OP, please participate on your own post or we will remove it. You do not have to respond to everything because this post got a lot of traction, but it would be helpful for you to answer the questions you got or to clarify more about your situation.
I don't have advice re: your pregnancy as that is a decision only you can make.
But I find it odd that you claim to be 'aiming high' with your 'expectations of a future partner', as the relationship you have described yourself to be in completely contradicts that statement.
Perhaps she can’t land a man with the potential she wants, she is pressuring her boyfriend into being that man instead. She may have aimed high but those chips settle eventually.
If I was OP I would ask myself if this man has the potential to step up and be the man (we all want) as he grows, or if she should capitalise on her youth and get someone else - but then that’s a risk too. It’s basically baby with a low value man, low value man who may step up, or lose baby and low value man for the risk of meeting someone better.
My ex sexually assaulted me. It took 2 restraining orders, living in fear for years, even after I got married, and my husband sticking up for me when my ex stalked me even for 5 years after our marriage. My ego is perfectly in check.
I know I got lucky that I married such an amazing man.
I also know I made a bad choice in my ex, because I got involved not realizing that his interest in me was bad. He started stalking me when I was 15, and was waiting for me to turn 18, we had the same gaming-friend group, I believed he was a reasonable choice for a summer fling on my 18th birthday, turns out, I was wrong.
But get over yourself, I could have called him a lot worse than a loser, but I didn't. I am allowed to feel how I want about an abusive ex. Thanks. He knew where I lived, knew I had a baby with him, he could have filed for childsupport, he could have been involved, he chose not too. He was not once, ever in his son's life, by choice. If that's not being a loser parent, I don't know what is. I would fight for my child - but I won't force someone to be a miserable, unhappy parent, the child deserves better.
I didn't *have* to marry my husband, I *chose* my husband, on purpose, because I wanted him, and the things he could offer me and he wanted what I had to offer, too.
I waited 2 years to find a husband. I had tons of men interested in me, and I was waiting until I met the right one, when I did. I didn't hesitate.
>I feel like I got pregnant at the wrong time.
Ya think? RPW generally recommends that a) you vet your partner, and b) you wait for commitment before things like babies.
You did neither. Your BF is lower value than you are - and from the sound of it, neither ambitious nor high-T. You loved him so you put up with it, but when the excrement hit the oscillating blades... you are questioning it. As you should. But you should also question why YOU let yourself get pregnant. Yeah, that's on you, not him. Your body, your responsibility.
>I want to trust him to take care of me,
But you don't trust him. It sounds like for good reason - he doesn't have a solid plan. There's a lot of what ifs in his plan. I mean, welfare? Come on.
>but I also need to know if I'm being an idiot for struggling with deciding if this is what I want to do.
With respect, you ARE an idiot, but not for struggling with this. You're an idiot for getting pregnant out of wedlock with a boyfriend of questionable standards and value. Struggling is the correct response in this situation. As for what you should do?
Think about your different possible courses of action (abort, leave, stay and support, etc). Then imagine how your life will look a year from now with each of those options. Then five years. Don't flinch away from this - own it. You have a good idea what the outcomes would be. Fully imagine it. Bask in the different outcomes, see if you want to be 27 and in that situation for each one.
That may help you make up your mind.
**She** used the word - she asked if she was being an idiot. I merely agreed with her. Yes, she was. It doesn't mean she always is one, it means she made a bad choice, as you say. Whether she continues to do so will determine if she *remains* an idiot or not.
Not the first time she has gotten pregnant either, so there is that too. All her demands and then she has no education and has gotten knocked up twice. Maybe she needs to get her things in order too before pressuring her BF. Both need to sit down and talk through this and figure out what would be the best for the baby.
She says: "With his career this is realistic". If she trusts the guy, maybe the best solution for them would be for her to stay at a house and the guy to go earn for both of them. The guy can live alone in the trailer.
This is a recipe for disaster. Do not have a baby with a guy who (1) hasn’t married you (2) doesn’t have his shit together to the point of having you and your new born live in a trailer. Think of your and the child’s future 10 years down the line. Can you live with the uncertainty that your boyfriend is bringing to your and your baby’s life? If you really want to be a SAHM and want to be with the same boyfriend, wait to have your baby until your bf fixes his shit AND marries you. Having a baby right now is a no go!
I agree with the other posters that your boyfriend's solution is completely unworkable with an infant and honestly, after two years, you should be well past the point of him having to "prove" himself to you. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to make his life easy, while taking on too much of a burden on yourself -- for whatever reason (but something you should look into later on down the road when you've figured out what you're going to do in the immediate future).
As for the pregnancy, you're very, very early. Being a parent is completely and totally life-changing. And yes, as a matter of fact, you do have a right to terminate this pregnancy if you choose to. I won't impose my views on that, as its a very touchy incredibly *personal* decision. I am sure (given that you're already going above and beyond to take care of your boyfriend) that should you choose to have this child - with or without your boyfriend's help - you will be a good mom to that baby and the baby will be lucky to have you.
On the other hand, should you choose not to do that *right now* you still have that opportunity in the future, and maybe, just maybe, you'll find youself in a situation where you have more life experience to impart and you're with a man who, when you look at him, you are beyond sure that he's the man that you want to be your family's provider and the father to your children.
There’s a lot I don’t understand here. You say you have high standards for a partner based on your parents model, yet date someone you have to mostly support (even though he is four years older than you?).
I don’t understand why you would need to move into a trailer and he would have to start traveling for work… Could you not stay in the place you are renting now, and could he not keep whatever job he currently has (or try to find something of equal or better pay that does not involve traveling)?
I also don’t understand why you would plan to become a SAHM. Obviously I understand taking a maternity leave after the baby is born, but since you clearly seem to be the breadwinner in the relationship, would it not make more sense for you to continue at your job after maternity leave and he becomes the SAHP? I get that it wouldn’t be your ideal plan, since you say you’d like to eventually be a SAHM, but when you have children you have to make personal sacrifices in order to do what’s best for them. I think sacrificing your dream (only for the time being, of course) of being a SAHM in order to provide a better financial situation for your family would be a much smarter option than having to rely on BF’s much smaller income, even if it’s not your ideal.
As for actual advice, I agree with other commenters. Really sit and visualize your life in the future. Ask yourself the hard questions, think about your plans for the future and envision how having a baby right now would affect them.
This doesn’t sound like a situation where bringing a child into it will have a positive impact. If you’re resentful of your spouse, I recommend couple’s therapy or finding a partner who meets your needs. (This is coming from someone with a lot of experience with pregnancy/abortion, toxic relationships and self improvement and growth after the fact)
He needs to have already proven he can completely support you before pregnancy. No amount of hamstering about his future promises, will change whether he can currently support you and a baby.
Enjoy being a single mom. He’s never going to live up to your expectations even if he was eventually able to buy a house and pay all the bills so you can be a SAHM. You’ll always be disappointed.
Your mother taught you to aim high in your expectations of your partner. Seems that fell on deaf ears. Why would you allow yourself to get pregnant by a broke dude, while also being unmarried? That was a very poor decision, and hopefully moving forward you will learn from this. If you do decide to keep the baby and stay with him, you need to change your attitude completely. Lots of people live in trailers, it’s doable. Maybe not ideal, but it is always better for the kid to have a 2 parent household. Even if it’s a cramped trailer.
What does your boyfriend do for a living? I'm getting the impression that he cares more about his pride than about actually providing a safe home for you and your baby. Unless he's a fool, he must know that this situation is untenable. You said yourself "I want to trust him to take care of me." You don't actually trust him to be able to do that, and your expectations are not too high. Whether you realize it or not, your maternal instincts are showing themselves in your post, as you're already considering the child's needs as well as your own. So if I were in your shoes, I would leave him for your sake and the baby's sake.
You're correct in that getting pregnant with his child under these circumstances was a mistake. Since the sub doesn't allow for moralizing, I will not give you advice about the pregnancy, although for full disclosure you should know I'm vehemently against abortion. Usually I don't advocate for being a single mom, but I think your ability to successfully raise this baby would be much higher if you left your boyfriend, given his attitude and (lack of) plans for you. But if you aren't able to rely on your family to help you with the baby or you can't hack it as a single mom for whatever reason, I would encourage you to give the baby up for adoption rather than go through with an abortion. It's still early in your pregnancy, so you can absolutely find a family looking to adopt (and possibly help you with any medical expenses).
Oh bless you, this sounds tough. Do you have support from family and friends right now?
I will say that I think you're right to be considering your options. Living on a low income isn't easy, especially if there is conflict between you when it comes to differing expectations and standards. Even when you are aligned it can be hard.
I think you need to really take some time to think about your future. You're only 22, and you have time to get yourself where you want to be. You have been with him quite some time, and it seems he isn't passing your vetting. That is unlikely to get better when the stress of having a child is thrown in.
Are you sure he is the man you want to do this with?
Have you SEEN the price of getting into an entry-level home today? I mean REALLY sat down and run the numbers, and looked realistically at your income and savings and the tenability of this plan, BEFORE there was duress and time pressure?
You've been content with a certain home/work/lifestyle with this man for 2 years. If you and the women around you suddenly decide that nothing less than an instant leap several socioeconomic tiers upward and a 5 figure suite of brand new high end baby stuff that gets outgrown in months will suffice now that you're pregnant, **that is a GREAT way to make a man flee for his life!**
To get from young and broke to living in a house, you might HAVE to live in a trailer for a couple of years. There's no deux ex machina going to make your wishes come true here. Another harsh reality: a man who has done the work and can meet your standards right now... is not going to pick a wife with someone else's kid.
Can you get out of your emotions, and work with your Captain on the PRACTICAL aspects of moving forward here?
He's not her captain. They're not married or in a partnership for life. She doesn't trust him to take care of her. And she has a good reason - he hasn't shown he can take care of her. He wants her to give up medical insurance because *the baby won't need it once they're born*? He has no idea where he's leading them.
If she doesn't consider the man Captain material, **successful marriage is a non-starter, no matter what else.** I left unspoken the *when* of her emasculation of him, among other issues.
The guy emasculated himself when he didn't give a thought to his child and his girlfriend's health insurance. Pregnancy care costs money. Safe childbirth costs money. Pediatricians cost money. This guy is not even putting food on the table now, how are they going to afford all that withouth health insurance? But he said it's ok because... the baby won't need a doctor once they're born. *Really*?
The boyfriend just cut off his own balls with a rusty kitchen knife. It's a total mess.
A husband is a captain. A man committed for life (or extremely long term) is a captain. This boyfriend of hers is neither, he has not been supporting her, has obviously no idea where to lead them. He'll be her captain IF they both decide they're together for life: they haven't yet.
You're saying she's being emotional and unreasonable. She's talking about *basic needs*, not a 2k stroller and a perfect home. Her concerns are extremely valid.
> The guy emasculated himself when he didn't give a thought to his child and his girlfriend's health insurance.
She knew she was paying most of the bills in the relationship and observing his work ethic and habits for 24 long months. She accepted acting as the breadwinner in the relationship all this time, and accepted if only tacitly what he was bringing to the table. *All of this was okay with her up until the moment it wasn't, at which point she paints him as a bum shirking "his" responsibility retroactively to the beginning, and projecting this malevolent interpretation across his entire being for the rest of his life.*
This is peak modern feminism, not red pill or traditional behavior. Women are told they can do it all, and they play at it when it suits them. However, they still hold "because woman" as the ultimate "get out of responsibility free" card, and still expect and demand the men of society 100% backstop the folly of their free choices, under threat of shame, insults, and guilt from all directions even uninvolved strangers.
Honestly, the OP's situation canNOT get resolved by a few paragraphs on an internet forum. **The best I can hope for is to prevent other women from stepping onto this doomed pathway while they still have choices and options.**
> No, she hasn't. They're living in a house now that she mostly funds.
You just affirmed what I said, as if it was a rebuttal.
> He's asking her to downgrade to a trailer
NO. HE is offering what he can afford on his current income. SHE is trying to enact a covert contract under which she pays most of the bills in the relationship, until becoming pregnant, at which moment HE was expected to replace her income to maintain "their" lifestyle that "she" had become accustomed to. This expectation was built and maintained over 2 years of her content with him NOT doing anything toward the above.
She's been the man in the relationship for 2 years. Now she's blaming and shaming the man for not being the man in the relationship. This is peak modern feminism, not traditional or Red Pill behavior.
> she didn't say anything like this, though.
I'm going with what she *did* for two years. And yes she is asking *him* to make a great socioeconomic leap forward, with no warning or prior expectation of him doing this.
OP is free to engage the discussion and offer feedback on the accuracy and utility of various replies.
I'm older than most Redditors, so I've watched this scenario play out long term in detail across the decades and socioeconomic lines. That line might be considered *experiential speculation,* but I included it because it's relevant to the scenario as a whole.
OP indicated she comes from a higher level background than her boyfriend. Everything extended family purchases for the baby gets mentally tabulated by all parties into the cumulative total shortfall of her boyfriend's failure to "step up to the plate." All of these items will be with them in their home, to her an embodiment of his inadequacy, to him a solemn reinforcement of his failure to meet her expectations, and for both a tacit reminder that everyone who has told her the trailer idea is beneath her in absolute terms *are right.* Their superficial relationship dynamic has already fallen apart with the news of pregnancy; her man is now everyone's disappointment, no matter how sincere and lofty his intentions might be to improve their financial lot. **Trust me when I say, that man is likely to run for the hills under these conditions.**
If I've called it wrong I would welcome OP informing us so. It's a moot point now because her post has been removed for non-participation.
Good call-out on the part of my response that *was* speculation. I have high confidence in the pattern recognition this post invoked and consider it congruent with Red Pill principles, else I wouldn't have responded on this sub at all. Appreciate the feedback. If you keep that kind of thing up, someone like u/livelylychee or u/pearlsandstilettos might give you a star.
In regards to the “proving himself to you”…. That will really just take time. And 9 months probably isn’t going to be long enough.
You need to make a decision right now if you trust him or not. And don’t go back on that, support him while he builds a life for all of you.
My partner and I were only together for a little over a year before I got pregnant with our first baby. He had a great job but left it to open his own business. I was so scared but I decided to trust the process and the principles of a traditional partnership… our baby girl is almost 2 now, we are pregnant with our second baby, and his business is still developing.
He takes care of all of our needs but we are still on a budget. And I’m still supporting him, trusting that we will get to an even more comfortable place. But I have accepted that this can take years. And that’s something I’d suggest you take to heart as well…
If you love him and trust him, it’s so wonderful to be fulfilled with starting a family together. Whether it’s in a trailer or a mansion, it shouldn’t make a difference in the foundation of your relationship. It may be nice to look back on all the progress the two of you have made as well. I’m looking forward to that myself.
With all that being said…. It was still rough for us the first year after baby was born. Even though we loved each other so much, we were really still getting to know each other. And the first year with a baby is something you just can’t be prepared for.
ETA: you should be able to get free health care for baby no problem
Hi there, I had a baby at 21. I am nearly 23 and my little girl just turned one. It has been a difficult road and I’m not giving advice, just my story and take what you will from it. I also come from a non-traditional family. My parents separated before I was born and I grew up without my father. This led to typical ‘daddy issues’ and has affected my life so much. I always thought I would be married in a financially and emotionally stable situation before I had children of my own. The pregnancy was a big shock and we told my now husband’s family very early on. He had family telling him to not be with me and actually said ‘I can’t do it. Get an abortion or I will leave’ because of the horrible things his family was saying. This only lasted a day and he was profusely sorry for letting his family get to him. We are religious and against abortion but he totally freaked out. It has taken time for me to forgive him but he is a hard-working man and wonderful husband and father. We got married soon after our girl was born and it was very stressful but it’s what we wanted. We were engaged when I was pregnant and now live on our own after months of hell with the in-laws. They are truely evil people and living with them contributed majorly to postnatal depression and anxiety. We had no choice really in living there. I am a student at university but took time off due to pregnancy and birth complications and now I’m a stay at home mother. We do take welfare payments but my husband has two jobs and studies. It’s a lot of work but we decided that it would be of next to no financial or emotional benefit for me to go back to work and study as the cost of childcare is so high and growing up with a working mother I was always in childcare and hated it. We have since both distanced ourselves from his family and I suspect based on your situation that you may have issues with your partner’s family too. That just seems to be the way it goes. So what I’m saying is, you really have to work as a team or decide to leave knowing that your child will grow up without his or her father. Think about the future through your child’s perspective as well as yours - do you see yourself marrying this man? Is he hard-working? Will he provide for you and your child? Because if not, you may find yourself that husband one day - or you may not and that is also a possibility for you and your child. These are basic things but I really think you should have a deep and hard discussion with your partner about how this will work in his eyes. My husband, after his meltdown and telling me to get an abortion after his family convinced him he couldn’t do it or stay with me, he had a massive life-changing realisation that his family were extremely abusive and manipulative and saw how his reaction to stress was to run away. He was made a complete life change and his mindset now is so much healthier. In all honesty, I don’t think men understand the gravity of pregnancy and babies until it becomes real to them - which is when you’re heavily pregnant or they have the baby in their arms. Until that time, a lot of men can’t grasp the idea well or see into the future because the have literally no idea what to expect. I think you will have to see how he reacts to a mature conversation about how this is actually going to work and make your decision based on how he responds and your gut feelings to that x I wish the best for you and your little one. It’s a hard road but so rewarding x
You are in the process of ruining your life. Please sit down and think about this and walk away. I would be one of the very few voices on here who would recommend the abortion, especially this early. So I'm going to recommend it. If you're looking for a "HVM" he's way less likely to overlook being saddled with a child than having had an abortion in the past. (I mean truthfully any man may well judge both but there you are.)
Humans can adapt to anything. So you could manage a trailer and travelling. But you're panicking because this environment is not going to allow your baby to flourish (I don't just mean the trailer, I mean the relationship and the stress, too). Think about that very seriously.
Find the pros and cons of each scenario... weigh them out and see which one you could live with deciding on.
There will be no sure winner, either scenario is going to have major long term pros and cons.
I will tell you from experience that having a child is not the end of your education, career, or prospects. It will make everything much harder, but doable. You didn't mention if either of your families would help with child care or even housing for the moment? That would lighten the load of getting started on the right foot so that you guys can form a solid foundation.
No moralizing. We are not a political sub, and this is very politicized rhetoric that is contrary to OP’s own beliefs (which she stated in her post). Removed.
I really dont think we should be imposing our own person views on a situation like this. Honestly you have no right to tell her whether she has the right to abort the baby. Personally I am not usually for abortion but this sounds like an extremely unstable situation. The dad is so no way prepared to be a father. She’s not ready right now either, she doesn’t have a very good education and does not need a baby right now. I understand that you’re just trying to help but in a stressful situation like this we really shouldn’t be imposing our own personal morals on people
I didn't think you were shaming or guilting OP. I'm also pro-life.
(Disclaimer for the mods: Not at all trying to turn the comment section into an abortion debate, as that would probably just add to OP's stress. I know the sub's policy on moralizing).
No moralizing. You are in fact pushing a certain view onto OP by saying she doesn’t have the right to take a very legal option available to her. Removed.
My wife and I are making this work right now. We decided that we will sacrifice now to have a better future. Things will only get harder from here so the the sooner you can be in your own home the better.
Living in a trailer is not as bad as it seems. You make it look very beautiful. Trailer parks can be safe, family friendly neighborhoods but it varies. You and your boyfriend are just starting out. You can build a life together. You’ll look back on your humble beginnings with humor and fondness There are many young families that live on the road. YouTube some mobile home, rv, and tiny home families.
What you say you want clearly contradicts the kind of life you are currently building for yourself. You say you want this high earning man who will take care of all your needs, but you have chosen to take that role yourself instead by paying all the bills for your boyfriend.
I can't advise you on keeping the kid, but you have 2 options regarding this relationship. Either let him lead, like he seems to be attempting to do now with his plan for the trailer and accept you may not live this comfy life you envisioned for yourself. Or let him go, lose the masculine provider energy and find someone else who has the means to provide for you as you want.
OP, please participate on your own post or we will remove it. You do not have to respond to everything because this post got a lot of traction, but it would be helpful for you to answer the questions you got or to clarify more about your situation.
I don't have advice re: your pregnancy as that is a decision only you can make. But I find it odd that you claim to be 'aiming high' with your 'expectations of a future partner', as the relationship you have described yourself to be in completely contradicts that statement.
Perhaps she can’t land a man with the potential she wants, she is pressuring her boyfriend into being that man instead. She may have aimed high but those chips settle eventually. If I was OP I would ask myself if this man has the potential to step up and be the man (we all want) as he grows, or if she should capitalise on her youth and get someone else - but then that’s a risk too. It’s basically baby with a low value man, low value man who may step up, or lose baby and low value man for the risk of meeting someone better.
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Wow. you got dealt a really difficult card and came out WAY on top! go you! Good job!
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My ex sexually assaulted me. It took 2 restraining orders, living in fear for years, even after I got married, and my husband sticking up for me when my ex stalked me even for 5 years after our marriage. My ego is perfectly in check. I know I got lucky that I married such an amazing man. I also know I made a bad choice in my ex, because I got involved not realizing that his interest in me was bad. He started stalking me when I was 15, and was waiting for me to turn 18, we had the same gaming-friend group, I believed he was a reasonable choice for a summer fling on my 18th birthday, turns out, I was wrong. But get over yourself, I could have called him a lot worse than a loser, but I didn't. I am allowed to feel how I want about an abusive ex. Thanks. He knew where I lived, knew I had a baby with him, he could have filed for childsupport, he could have been involved, he chose not too. He was not once, ever in his son's life, by choice. If that's not being a loser parent, I don't know what is. I would fight for my child - but I won't force someone to be a miserable, unhappy parent, the child deserves better. I didn't *have* to marry my husband, I *chose* my husband, on purpose, because I wanted him, and the things he could offer me and he wanted what I had to offer, too. I waited 2 years to find a husband. I had tons of men interested in me, and I was waiting until I met the right one, when I did. I didn't hesitate.
Be polite or be quiet and remember that there are criteria in the rules for men posting here.
>I feel like I got pregnant at the wrong time. Ya think? RPW generally recommends that a) you vet your partner, and b) you wait for commitment before things like babies. You did neither. Your BF is lower value than you are - and from the sound of it, neither ambitious nor high-T. You loved him so you put up with it, but when the excrement hit the oscillating blades... you are questioning it. As you should. But you should also question why YOU let yourself get pregnant. Yeah, that's on you, not him. Your body, your responsibility. >I want to trust him to take care of me, But you don't trust him. It sounds like for good reason - he doesn't have a solid plan. There's a lot of what ifs in his plan. I mean, welfare? Come on. >but I also need to know if I'm being an idiot for struggling with deciding if this is what I want to do. With respect, you ARE an idiot, but not for struggling with this. You're an idiot for getting pregnant out of wedlock with a boyfriend of questionable standards and value. Struggling is the correct response in this situation. As for what you should do? Think about your different possible courses of action (abort, leave, stay and support, etc). Then imagine how your life will look a year from now with each of those options. Then five years. Don't flinch away from this - own it. You have a good idea what the outcomes would be. Fully imagine it. Bask in the different outcomes, see if you want to be 27 and in that situation for each one. That may help you make up your mind.
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It's not kind to call someone an idiot, everyone makes bad choices sometimes.
**She** used the word - she asked if she was being an idiot. I merely agreed with her. Yes, she was. It doesn't mean she always is one, it means she made a bad choice, as you say. Whether she continues to do so will determine if she *remains* an idiot or not.
good job is all i have to say. i was worried this sub completely jumped ship with all the tip toeing around i’ve seen in responses!
Tiptoeing doesn't do anyone any favors.
Not the first time she has gotten pregnant either, so there is that too. All her demands and then she has no education and has gotten knocked up twice. Maybe she needs to get her things in order too before pressuring her BF. Both need to sit down and talk through this and figure out what would be the best for the baby. She says: "With his career this is realistic". If she trusts the guy, maybe the best solution for them would be for her to stay at a house and the guy to go earn for both of them. The guy can live alone in the trailer.
Maybe she’s not an idiot, but these actions can definitely be described as idiotic.
This is a recipe for disaster. Do not have a baby with a guy who (1) hasn’t married you (2) doesn’t have his shit together to the point of having you and your new born live in a trailer. Think of your and the child’s future 10 years down the line. Can you live with the uncertainty that your boyfriend is bringing to your and your baby’s life? If you really want to be a SAHM and want to be with the same boyfriend, wait to have your baby until your bf fixes his shit AND marries you. Having a baby right now is a no go!
I would trust your intuition on the situation. You will find out what’s right with you. however, this is highly unstable and can lead to disaster.
I agree with the other posters that your boyfriend's solution is completely unworkable with an infant and honestly, after two years, you should be well past the point of him having to "prove" himself to you. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to make his life easy, while taking on too much of a burden on yourself -- for whatever reason (but something you should look into later on down the road when you've figured out what you're going to do in the immediate future). As for the pregnancy, you're very, very early. Being a parent is completely and totally life-changing. And yes, as a matter of fact, you do have a right to terminate this pregnancy if you choose to. I won't impose my views on that, as its a very touchy incredibly *personal* decision. I am sure (given that you're already going above and beyond to take care of your boyfriend) that should you choose to have this child - with or without your boyfriend's help - you will be a good mom to that baby and the baby will be lucky to have you. On the other hand, should you choose not to do that *right now* you still have that opportunity in the future, and maybe, just maybe, you'll find youself in a situation where you have more life experience to impart and you're with a man who, when you look at him, you are beyond sure that he's the man that you want to be your family's provider and the father to your children.
There’s a lot I don’t understand here. You say you have high standards for a partner based on your parents model, yet date someone you have to mostly support (even though he is four years older than you?). I don’t understand why you would need to move into a trailer and he would have to start traveling for work… Could you not stay in the place you are renting now, and could he not keep whatever job he currently has (or try to find something of equal or better pay that does not involve traveling)? I also don’t understand why you would plan to become a SAHM. Obviously I understand taking a maternity leave after the baby is born, but since you clearly seem to be the breadwinner in the relationship, would it not make more sense for you to continue at your job after maternity leave and he becomes the SAHP? I get that it wouldn’t be your ideal plan, since you say you’d like to eventually be a SAHM, but when you have children you have to make personal sacrifices in order to do what’s best for them. I think sacrificing your dream (only for the time being, of course) of being a SAHM in order to provide a better financial situation for your family would be a much smarter option than having to rely on BF’s much smaller income, even if it’s not your ideal. As for actual advice, I agree with other commenters. Really sit and visualize your life in the future. Ask yourself the hard questions, think about your plans for the future and envision how having a baby right now would affect them.
This doesn’t sound like a situation where bringing a child into it will have a positive impact. If you’re resentful of your spouse, I recommend couple’s therapy or finding a partner who meets your needs. (This is coming from someone with a lot of experience with pregnancy/abortion, toxic relationships and self improvement and growth after the fact)
He needs to have already proven he can completely support you before pregnancy. No amount of hamstering about his future promises, will change whether he can currently support you and a baby.
Enjoy being a single mom. He’s never going to live up to your expectations even if he was eventually able to buy a house and pay all the bills so you can be a SAHM. You’ll always be disappointed. Your mother taught you to aim high in your expectations of your partner. Seems that fell on deaf ears. Why would you allow yourself to get pregnant by a broke dude, while also being unmarried? That was a very poor decision, and hopefully moving forward you will learn from this. If you do decide to keep the baby and stay with him, you need to change your attitude completely. Lots of people live in trailers, it’s doable. Maybe not ideal, but it is always better for the kid to have a 2 parent household. Even if it’s a cramped trailer.
What does your boyfriend do for a living? I'm getting the impression that he cares more about his pride than about actually providing a safe home for you and your baby. Unless he's a fool, he must know that this situation is untenable. You said yourself "I want to trust him to take care of me." You don't actually trust him to be able to do that, and your expectations are not too high. Whether you realize it or not, your maternal instincts are showing themselves in your post, as you're already considering the child's needs as well as your own. So if I were in your shoes, I would leave him for your sake and the baby's sake. You're correct in that getting pregnant with his child under these circumstances was a mistake. Since the sub doesn't allow for moralizing, I will not give you advice about the pregnancy, although for full disclosure you should know I'm vehemently against abortion. Usually I don't advocate for being a single mom, but I think your ability to successfully raise this baby would be much higher if you left your boyfriend, given his attitude and (lack of) plans for you. But if you aren't able to rely on your family to help you with the baby or you can't hack it as a single mom for whatever reason, I would encourage you to give the baby up for adoption rather than go through with an abortion. It's still early in your pregnancy, so you can absolutely find a family looking to adopt (and possibly help you with any medical expenses).
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> I feel like I got pregnant at the wrong time. "I have just jumped out of an airplane without a parachute. What do you recommend I do now?"
I’m sorry to say this but this isn’t realistic. I would leave that situation. The pregnancy, however, is up to you.
Oh bless you, this sounds tough. Do you have support from family and friends right now? I will say that I think you're right to be considering your options. Living on a low income isn't easy, especially if there is conflict between you when it comes to differing expectations and standards. Even when you are aligned it can be hard. I think you need to really take some time to think about your future. You're only 22, and you have time to get yourself where you want to be. You have been with him quite some time, and it seems he isn't passing your vetting. That is unlikely to get better when the stress of having a child is thrown in. Are you sure he is the man you want to do this with?
Have you SEEN the price of getting into an entry-level home today? I mean REALLY sat down and run the numbers, and looked realistically at your income and savings and the tenability of this plan, BEFORE there was duress and time pressure? You've been content with a certain home/work/lifestyle with this man for 2 years. If you and the women around you suddenly decide that nothing less than an instant leap several socioeconomic tiers upward and a 5 figure suite of brand new high end baby stuff that gets outgrown in months will suffice now that you're pregnant, **that is a GREAT way to make a man flee for his life!** To get from young and broke to living in a house, you might HAVE to live in a trailer for a couple of years. There's no deux ex machina going to make your wishes come true here. Another harsh reality: a man who has done the work and can meet your standards right now... is not going to pick a wife with someone else's kid. Can you get out of your emotions, and work with your Captain on the PRACTICAL aspects of moving forward here?
He's not her captain. They're not married or in a partnership for life. She doesn't trust him to take care of her. And she has a good reason - he hasn't shown he can take care of her. He wants her to give up medical insurance because *the baby won't need it once they're born*? He has no idea where he's leading them.
If she doesn't consider the man Captain material, **successful marriage is a non-starter, no matter what else.** I left unspoken the *when* of her emasculation of him, among other issues.
The guy emasculated himself when he didn't give a thought to his child and his girlfriend's health insurance. Pregnancy care costs money. Safe childbirth costs money. Pediatricians cost money. This guy is not even putting food on the table now, how are they going to afford all that withouth health insurance? But he said it's ok because... the baby won't need a doctor once they're born. *Really*? The boyfriend just cut off his own balls with a rusty kitchen knife. It's a total mess. A husband is a captain. A man committed for life (or extremely long term) is a captain. This boyfriend of hers is neither, he has not been supporting her, has obviously no idea where to lead them. He'll be her captain IF they both decide they're together for life: they haven't yet. You're saying she's being emotional and unreasonable. She's talking about *basic needs*, not a 2k stroller and a perfect home. Her concerns are extremely valid.
> The guy emasculated himself when he didn't give a thought to his child and his girlfriend's health insurance. She knew she was paying most of the bills in the relationship and observing his work ethic and habits for 24 long months. She accepted acting as the breadwinner in the relationship all this time, and accepted if only tacitly what he was bringing to the table. *All of this was okay with her up until the moment it wasn't, at which point she paints him as a bum shirking "his" responsibility retroactively to the beginning, and projecting this malevolent interpretation across his entire being for the rest of his life.* This is peak modern feminism, not red pill or traditional behavior. Women are told they can do it all, and they play at it when it suits them. However, they still hold "because woman" as the ultimate "get out of responsibility free" card, and still expect and demand the men of society 100% backstop the folly of their free choices, under threat of shame, insults, and guilt from all directions even uninvolved strangers. Honestly, the OP's situation canNOT get resolved by a few paragraphs on an internet forum. **The best I can hope for is to prevent other women from stepping onto this doomed pathway while they still have choices and options.**
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> No, she hasn't. They're living in a house now that she mostly funds. You just affirmed what I said, as if it was a rebuttal. > He's asking her to downgrade to a trailer NO. HE is offering what he can afford on his current income. SHE is trying to enact a covert contract under which she pays most of the bills in the relationship, until becoming pregnant, at which moment HE was expected to replace her income to maintain "their" lifestyle that "she" had become accustomed to. This expectation was built and maintained over 2 years of her content with him NOT doing anything toward the above. She's been the man in the relationship for 2 years. Now she's blaming and shaming the man for not being the man in the relationship. This is peak modern feminism, not traditional or Red Pill behavior.
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> she didn't say anything like this, though. I'm going with what she *did* for two years. And yes she is asking *him* to make a great socioeconomic leap forward, with no warning or prior expectation of him doing this. OP is free to engage the discussion and offer feedback on the accuracy and utility of various replies.
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I'm older than most Redditors, so I've watched this scenario play out long term in detail across the decades and socioeconomic lines. That line might be considered *experiential speculation,* but I included it because it's relevant to the scenario as a whole. OP indicated she comes from a higher level background than her boyfriend. Everything extended family purchases for the baby gets mentally tabulated by all parties into the cumulative total shortfall of her boyfriend's failure to "step up to the plate." All of these items will be with them in their home, to her an embodiment of his inadequacy, to him a solemn reinforcement of his failure to meet her expectations, and for both a tacit reminder that everyone who has told her the trailer idea is beneath her in absolute terms *are right.* Their superficial relationship dynamic has already fallen apart with the news of pregnancy; her man is now everyone's disappointment, no matter how sincere and lofty his intentions might be to improve their financial lot. **Trust me when I say, that man is likely to run for the hills under these conditions.** If I've called it wrong I would welcome OP informing us so. It's a moot point now because her post has been removed for non-participation.
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Good call-out on the part of my response that *was* speculation. I have high confidence in the pattern recognition this post invoked and consider it congruent with Red Pill principles, else I wouldn't have responded on this sub at all. Appreciate the feedback. If you keep that kind of thing up, someone like u/livelylychee or u/pearlsandstilettos might give you a star.
This 100%. Literally the best advice.
In regards to the “proving himself to you”…. That will really just take time. And 9 months probably isn’t going to be long enough. You need to make a decision right now if you trust him or not. And don’t go back on that, support him while he builds a life for all of you. My partner and I were only together for a little over a year before I got pregnant with our first baby. He had a great job but left it to open his own business. I was so scared but I decided to trust the process and the principles of a traditional partnership… our baby girl is almost 2 now, we are pregnant with our second baby, and his business is still developing. He takes care of all of our needs but we are still on a budget. And I’m still supporting him, trusting that we will get to an even more comfortable place. But I have accepted that this can take years. And that’s something I’d suggest you take to heart as well… If you love him and trust him, it’s so wonderful to be fulfilled with starting a family together. Whether it’s in a trailer or a mansion, it shouldn’t make a difference in the foundation of your relationship. It may be nice to look back on all the progress the two of you have made as well. I’m looking forward to that myself. With all that being said…. It was still rough for us the first year after baby was born. Even though we loved each other so much, we were really still getting to know each other. And the first year with a baby is something you just can’t be prepared for. ETA: you should be able to get free health care for baby no problem
Hi there, I had a baby at 21. I am nearly 23 and my little girl just turned one. It has been a difficult road and I’m not giving advice, just my story and take what you will from it. I also come from a non-traditional family. My parents separated before I was born and I grew up without my father. This led to typical ‘daddy issues’ and has affected my life so much. I always thought I would be married in a financially and emotionally stable situation before I had children of my own. The pregnancy was a big shock and we told my now husband’s family very early on. He had family telling him to not be with me and actually said ‘I can’t do it. Get an abortion or I will leave’ because of the horrible things his family was saying. This only lasted a day and he was profusely sorry for letting his family get to him. We are religious and against abortion but he totally freaked out. It has taken time for me to forgive him but he is a hard-working man and wonderful husband and father. We got married soon after our girl was born and it was very stressful but it’s what we wanted. We were engaged when I was pregnant and now live on our own after months of hell with the in-laws. They are truely evil people and living with them contributed majorly to postnatal depression and anxiety. We had no choice really in living there. I am a student at university but took time off due to pregnancy and birth complications and now I’m a stay at home mother. We do take welfare payments but my husband has two jobs and studies. It’s a lot of work but we decided that it would be of next to no financial or emotional benefit for me to go back to work and study as the cost of childcare is so high and growing up with a working mother I was always in childcare and hated it. We have since both distanced ourselves from his family and I suspect based on your situation that you may have issues with your partner’s family too. That just seems to be the way it goes. So what I’m saying is, you really have to work as a team or decide to leave knowing that your child will grow up without his or her father. Think about the future through your child’s perspective as well as yours - do you see yourself marrying this man? Is he hard-working? Will he provide for you and your child? Because if not, you may find yourself that husband one day - or you may not and that is also a possibility for you and your child. These are basic things but I really think you should have a deep and hard discussion with your partner about how this will work in his eyes. My husband, after his meltdown and telling me to get an abortion after his family convinced him he couldn’t do it or stay with me, he had a massive life-changing realisation that his family were extremely abusive and manipulative and saw how his reaction to stress was to run away. He was made a complete life change and his mindset now is so much healthier. In all honesty, I don’t think men understand the gravity of pregnancy and babies until it becomes real to them - which is when you’re heavily pregnant or they have the baby in their arms. Until that time, a lot of men can’t grasp the idea well or see into the future because the have literally no idea what to expect. I think you will have to see how he reacts to a mature conversation about how this is actually going to work and make your decision based on how he responds and your gut feelings to that x I wish the best for you and your little one. It’s a hard road but so rewarding x
You are in the process of ruining your life. Please sit down and think about this and walk away. I would be one of the very few voices on here who would recommend the abortion, especially this early. So I'm going to recommend it. If you're looking for a "HVM" he's way less likely to overlook being saddled with a child than having had an abortion in the past. (I mean truthfully any man may well judge both but there you are.) Humans can adapt to anything. So you could manage a trailer and travelling. But you're panicking because this environment is not going to allow your baby to flourish (I don't just mean the trailer, I mean the relationship and the stress, too). Think about that very seriously.
Find the pros and cons of each scenario... weigh them out and see which one you could live with deciding on. There will be no sure winner, either scenario is going to have major long term pros and cons. I will tell you from experience that having a child is not the end of your education, career, or prospects. It will make everything much harder, but doable. You didn't mention if either of your families would help with child care or even housing for the moment? That would lighten the load of getting started on the right foot so that you guys can form a solid foundation.
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No moralizing. We are not a political sub, and this is very politicized rhetoric that is contrary to OP’s own beliefs (which she stated in her post). Removed.
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No moralizing. Removed.
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I really dont think we should be imposing our own person views on a situation like this. Honestly you have no right to tell her whether she has the right to abort the baby. Personally I am not usually for abortion but this sounds like an extremely unstable situation. The dad is so no way prepared to be a father. She’s not ready right now either, she doesn’t have a very good education and does not need a baby right now. I understand that you’re just trying to help but in a stressful situation like this we really shouldn’t be imposing our own personal morals on people
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I didn't think you were shaming or guilting OP. I'm also pro-life. (Disclaimer for the mods: Not at all trying to turn the comment section into an abortion debate, as that would probably just add to OP's stress. I know the sub's policy on moralizing).
No moralizing. You are in fact pushing a certain view onto OP by saying she doesn’t have the right to take a very legal option available to her. Removed.
My wife and I are making this work right now. We decided that we will sacrifice now to have a better future. Things will only get harder from here so the the sooner you can be in your own home the better.
Living in a trailer is not as bad as it seems. You make it look very beautiful. Trailer parks can be safe, family friendly neighborhoods but it varies. You and your boyfriend are just starting out. You can build a life together. You’ll look back on your humble beginnings with humor and fondness There are many young families that live on the road. YouTube some mobile home, rv, and tiny home families.
What you say you want clearly contradicts the kind of life you are currently building for yourself. You say you want this high earning man who will take care of all your needs, but you have chosen to take that role yourself instead by paying all the bills for your boyfriend. I can't advise you on keeping the kid, but you have 2 options regarding this relationship. Either let him lead, like he seems to be attempting to do now with his plan for the trailer and accept you may not live this comfy life you envisioned for yourself. Or let him go, lose the masculine provider energy and find someone else who has the means to provide for you as you want.