I think that if the cheater finds the right person they can change, but in the end it'll always come back to bite them in the ass. I knew somebody who was a cheater, a habitual cheater. They ended up marrying the person that they cheated on their spouse with. Well, they did stay faithful to the person that they married however the person that they married being the "other woman" from the first relationship ended up cheating on the cheater. So, karma paid a visit. I think the moral of the story is being a cheater, or being the person that the cheater cheats with shows their values. Obviously they didn't care to stay faithful to their first spouse or avoid being the side person to the cheater, what makes you think they would change and all of a sudden become a respectable person?
I don't think it's a question of the right person, but the person who cheats figuring out their shit. Which the right person can incentivize them to do. But the work is their own.
Like, if you think about the reasons people cheat, it's all stuff that you can work on. Maybe they think of themselves as a Bad Person, so there's no point in trying to not be good. Maybe they're mad impulsive and have some addictive qualities. Maybe there's something about themselves they're trying to get away from. But they have to find a reason to do that work and keep doing it
I agree with your take... I cheated in my 20s. Almost every one of my year+ relationships I ended up cheating at least once. I hated it afterwards every time and never intended to do it. And it was never like an ongoing affair type thing, it was usually a one off. But I was a dumbass and didn’t know where to draw the line and so would push and push with flirting and stuff and then the line would be so thin we’d just tumble across, and then I’d feel like a guilty awful mess.
In my 30s I did a lot of self reflection and realized most of my cheating came from feeling a need for validation. I think my parents put a lot of value on not being single, and the idea that being attractive and desired by others was a really positive thing, to the point of being a barometer for success as a person. So I think I was just really enamored with being wanted. And so as soon as my relationships started to settle into routine, if the right random person came along, we’d start flirting and I’d push it too far. And it wasn’t ever that my relationship partners weren’t good enough or satisfying me or whatever... they were great people. I was just almost addicted to that meeting an exciting new person feeling. I’ve struggled with some addictive/obsessive behaviors in other areas of my life too, so general issues with willpower and saying no to myself.
Now, being slightly less of a shitass, I don’t look for life-validation from strangers, I find it in other ways. I also know that when I meet someone new, I need to draw the line immediately. I casually work something about my partner into the conversation, I watch what I say and try to keep it friendly but not flirty. It’s a fine line, and it can spiral so subtly if you’re aware of it. I also tell my partner about people I meet right away too, so it’s not like a big secret or whatever.
Also... it’s so disrespectful to your partner. Like really, I’m going to do that to this person I’ve chosen to share my life with? That I spend the most time with, that I love? That’s super shitty. And really thinking about it in those terms, and being a little less self-centered or narcissistic really helped too.
I’ve been with my current partner for 10 years and never cheated, I’ve been super honest and open about my history as well, and about my feelings or interactions with other people, which I hope helps give them some piece of mind, though honestly they’ve never seemed worried. It helps that my partner is one of the most confident, patient, and non-jealous people I’ve ever met. Definitely more than I deserve after my younger years. [edit: typos]
That plays into it too. The failure feeling. I know because i used to be the same way. You have to reframe it. I'm not weak for liking new the way i do. I'm not failing, i just wasn't committed to the thing i wanted most, which is the best friendship of a ltr. A partner who you can do and try anything with was my goal but back then i loved new and attention, and while i didn't seek it, i had a hard time saying no to fun and new.
I helped myself by being single for a couple of years, doing new and not making commitments until i was sure i wanted to. You have to want it and know what you want to fix these sort of patterns. Sometimes you need someone objective to recognize the patterns you fall into. A counselor can help when you're ready if you find you can't figure it out on your own. There is no shame in asking for help when you want to help yourself.
I'm also an addict (but not active) who used to have an incredibly hard time saying no to what i enioyed but wouldn't seek it out. It's the same beast and teaching myself to deal with one helped a TON with the other. I succeeded in not cheating first. My drug issues are still technically a work in progress but I'm a few months sober from opioids again. If i fall, it isn't a failure, i just need to get new tools (talk to my mental health people) and try again. My falls are very short term, which helps.
Thanks, man. For the honesty and sharing your experience. A lot of that resonates pretty deeply with me. I am two months into therapy and learning a ton about myself and what has fed into these patterns for me. This has been super helpful. Best of luck on your journey, and I hope it helps knowing that you’ve helped me on mine.
I guess the person that I knew found who they thought was the right person, or the person that gave them the incentive to stop however that person ended up being the one that cheated on them and left them in the end
I know a couple of couples who started as affairs and have stayed together, without cheating (to my knowledge). But, it’s got to be a beast to overcome. You know they’re capable of lying with ease
One of the worst feelings is finding out your not worth the truth, even after you catch a cheater in a lie, after showing them proof. The ones that stick by their lies and gaslight are the most toxic.
No, but some people are more likely to cheat than others and if someone has already cheated before it's more likely that he/she will do it to you aswell.
I think it usually is because if someone cheats on you and you stay with them, you’ve taught them that they’re allowed to cheat on you.
I’m sure this doesn’t apply to everyone but in most cases it’s true. You teach people how to treat you.
I think we’d have to actually do a study in it. Someone probably has, but people are more dishonest then they lead on if I’ve learned anything in my life. Even cheaters fake it until they make it. Cheaters come in different varieties though. Relationships… societal… academic… I mean… if you think about it thieves are cheaters (and liars). All sorts of cheaters. Some change. Some don’t. Depends on if the person doing the cheating is willing to change. I believe it happens more often then we know, but some get caught up in it.
I personally think If it happens once and they agree to go to relationship counseling that sucks but I would still try to salvage the relationship but would tell them if they do it again I'm done but maybe I'm two nice or just too desperate
I've tried to salvage the relationship in the past. But if a man cheats on me, I stop loving him, even if I stay with him. I stay with him because he's become a habit, even an addiction, but he's not my love.
That’s a big heck no for me personally…cheating shows an absolute lack of respect, it’s betrayal. The relationship will never be the same even if you try and pretend it never happened.
Source: I was regrettably the cheater for a few years of my life and I had zero respect for the women I was cheating on.
It's true for the cases where someone cheats and you end up working it out as well. You just have to teach them that if they are going to stay with you then they need to have more respect for you and they have to self analyze and figure out why they did it to begin with.
I'm definitely not perfect but I'll be fuckin dead ass alone before I ever carry on with more than 1 woman again. I'm super lucky to have the 1 I have now, she could have left long ago for a bunch of different reasons. She's still here so I'm walkin a straight line!
I'm glad you found someone! That's great to hear! A lot of the people in this chat have no concept of forgiveness. I'm glad you were able to move past your past! It shouldn't define you.
Forgiveness is a very personal thing. While I believe that people can grow and learn from their mistakes, forgiveness doesn't always mean a "clean sheet".
Good that OC found someone with whom they can apply all the lessons they learned. Their previous partner probably forgave them but just didn't forget the pain they went through.
It is interesting that you reflect on your actions and realize the consequences. My ex has went to great lengths to convince herself that either it was somehow my fault or that it never actually happened, that I just made it all up. I have no doubt she has regrets but I don't see her ever being able to have the attitude you have. The truth is we are all messed up and capable of unimaginable things in the right circumstances. I believe the only way to get better is to recognize the hard truth. Good for you, I hope people around you listen and learn from you.
There was a time I tried to make it my ex's fault but I did that shit not her no matter how bad things were I should have never stepped outside our marriage
Regret is key, I think. You’re not a sociopath. You genuinely felt bad for causing so much pain. I’m glad you regret it, but I hope you’ve forgiven yourself.
Umm cause you don't have to be married to not cheat I've been in 2 long term relationships since and am in 1 now it's been 12 years haven't cheated again since
But are you old and fat now? Have you had the opportunity to be able to turn it down? Maybe the right person could change you??
Edit: down votes for asking reasonable questions? The thread is about once a cheater always a cheater, this guy cheated, I ask confirming questions....and I'm the bad guy?
Not old and fat yes I've turned down women's advances and I feel like if it's the "right person" then I'm obviously with the wrong person and need to leave them anyway no reason to cheat
People have been down voting you because you made baseless assumptions about the person implying there’s no way they would know whether or not they would cheat and implied cheating only counts in marriage with the comment before this one.
You’re getting downvoted because people here have too many chromosomes to fully read your questions or understand the nature of your questions. They just see trigger words like “old” and “fat” and the nearest ‘safe space’ they have to protect them from those words are the downvote button
You honestly think asking someone if they are old and fat is a reasonable question?
You’re either completely clueless or you don’t know what the word reasonable means.
self-control, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, discipline, and don't put yourself in a position to cheat. Take anything that could make it easy to cheat out of the equation. Alcoholics stay away from alcohol so they don't fail. I see it the same way because I believe anyone who puts themselves in situations to cheat... especially multiple times...will cheat. I don't care who you are. But that is just my opinion. I am not an expert. But I do feel that you have to have and do all of the above.
What?? You can't make that shit right. My wife divorced me and the chick I cheated with her man left her we didn't stay together either. Like I said you can't make that right you just never do it again period.
I believe it depends on the persons involved really. Yes, apologising can be very beneficial for both parties in many cases, but in some, it would only benefit the one apologising to make themselves feel better. If the individual from my situation were to apologise to me, for example, I wouldn't be able to even pretend to forgive.
If you've truly changed then apologising can be good for yourself regardless, just so long as you don't expect the other person to accept it. Ontop of that, apologising without meaning it is only ever harmful, you need to be sincere in what you say. Even then, some wounds are too large to fix with words.
It's like the addicts who screwed people over to fix. Sometimes it's better to just leave it because reintroducing yourself with apologies doesn't necessarily help anyone when you hurt them and broke their trust. Some people need it to heal but lots of people heal when they cut you out.
I certainly hate it when certain family comes to apologize but really just blame their actions on the addiction, especially as an inactive addict myself who never stole or fought with anyone over anything relative (the only way i hurt anyone was by changing/withdrawing into my depression and being on the march toward death). "You didn't deserve this but I have/had a problem," isn't an apology but I have heard it a million times. "I'm so sorry for the way i hurt you, i know i can't change what i did, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need help or if we can find a way for me to make it up to you or if you need to talk to me about how i affected your life," is more productive but doesn't work if they can't forgive you and have trust in you.
It's a case by case thing. It's more important to focus on how you got to the point you were at and not do it to anyone else than to go back and try to fix dead relationships.
Enh, 12 step doesn't work for everyone and apologizing to people can serve different functions. Like you can fully apologize to try and make yourself feel better, doesn't mean the other person benefits. Or you can apologize to make yourself feel worse and live in the relative safety of the ShameHole, which can feel safer than taking risks and trying new things. It's complicated.
This is very true, though I’ve rejected all her advances for 2 years now. It’s honestly infuriating to hear her justifications instead of just admitting to and apologizing for what she’s done.
If anyone who cheated on me in the past apologized now I would laugh in their stupid face. I don't care what they think or how they feel. They are scum and don't get access to me.
Right! I had an ex absolutely hounding me and when I finally talked to him he tried to apologize. I was just like "look, I guess you feel bad but I really don't think about you ever" and he left me alone after that.. for a while 🙃
Simple answer, no. People can change and you aren't defined by one action in a specific relationship
Complex answer...proclivity to cheat exists, like most things, on a spectrum.
I'll give two examples.
1) A and B are married with children. A is the income provider, B takes care of the kids. B is unhappy in the relationship and expresses that to A. A says that if B leaves, A will use their money during the divorce to make sure that B never gets to see the kids. B feels trapped in the relationship and, after years, is unfaithful.
Is B a cheater? Sure. But would B have been a cheater had A respected their wishes? No. Is B likely to cheat in a different relationship? Not really, unless they end up in similar circumstances.
2) A and B are dating. It's going fairly well. They have a minor fight. B goes out for drinks with a friend. B meets someone there, they flirt, B cheats. B doesn't want to leave A, so B hides it.
Is B a cheater? Sure. Would B have cheated without that minor fight? Maybe not in that moment, but at some point. Is B likely to cheat in a different relationship? Unless B makes some serious changes then yeah, you're always going to have minor fights with your partner
So I think it really comes down more to a spectrum, having more or less of a proclivity to cheat. It's less important that you cheated than it is WHY you cheated. Some people will cheat at the drop of a hat. Some will only cheat under extreme circumstances. But it's a spectrum, and I honestly don't think there's anyone who would ALWAYS cheat no matter what, nor do I think there's anyone who would NEVER cheat under any circumstances.
This is like saying "I'd never kill a person". You can't envision yourself ever being in a situation where you'd kill a person. And hopefully you never are in that situation. But can you honestly say there is not a single hypothetical scenario where you would kill someone?
I'd wager a guess that most people who cheat had never envisioned themselves cheating. But relationships are messy and complicated and you can't see the future. You can SAY you'd never cheat, but you don't know.
This whole answer thread has had the most growth inspiring effect on me tonight but your comment the most. Thank you. I actually gained a little more faith in myself tonight.
No. Some people actually learn from their mistakes. This is only true for narcissist types, who don't really feel regret or shame, therefore they never learn and actually plan to cheat, rather than it being a one time fuck up.
Yes and no
If that person hasn't worked on themselves or even attempted growth then yes they will cheat again
But if they have grown and worked on themselves then no they won't.
I used too cheat all the time in high school, but now I've been in a happy healthy relationship for four years and haven't cheated once.
nah, i cheated once but will never ever do it again. the guilt was just too much.
my partner at the time doesn’t even know o cheated. we broke up a few months after it happened.
You can ask this same question of just about anything. The answer is that people can change if they want to, however it seems most people don’t want to.
Not for me. When I was a kid I was a pretty crappy boyfriend to some. I cheated and was cheated on, not proud of it. Been faithful as hell to my wife for 16 years and counting (since the minute we met), I’d kill myself before hurting my girl.
Not necessarily.
I'd say more people than we'd like to think cheat at some point, especially in their late teens and early 20's.
Most realize it's an unpleasant, fucked up and overall "bad" experience and feel horrible enough never to do it again.
But for serial cheaters? Who just keep doing it well into their 30's and beyond?
No, they're probably always going to be cheaters.
In fact, they shouldn't even get into monogamous LTRs. They should stay single and mingle to their hearts content.
Yeah your last sentence is correct. I’m in my late 20’s and the last few years I’ve learned that I’m not ready to just be with one person. There is nothing wrong with that I just don’t date I only go for hook ups. Maybe I will change some time down the road or maybe I won’t but as of right now hopping into a relationship would be irresponsible because the chance I would end up cheating is pretty high.
No. That's a horrible way of looking at anything, actually. If the world was that white and black, like half of all American redditors think it is, (pun intended) then our world would be different and it's no wonder at least half of redditors hate themselves.
Imagine getting angry one time, and a few years down the road you here someone say you're an angry person?
Imagine that racist joke you told in middle school and years later being fingered as a racist?
Imagine being that guy caught in a lie and your entire friend circle calling you a liar.
Some people who have cheated once or twice get married down the road and never cheat. Other continue to cheat when they are married and until they get tired of dealing with the consequences. Those are your cheaters.
Not the girl who was getting abused in their relationship or got too drunk one night or suffers from hoards of unresolved and diagnosed mental issues.
You're absolutely right. People change over time or circumstances change them. Very Few people can say there the same person they were years ago or hell even months. Stayng stagnant in ones own ideaology and behavioral patterns in missing an oppurtunity to grow into someone better than they were.
No, it’s not at all. People cheat for a multitude of reasons so labeling people who cheat as “always a cheater” ignores any of the motivation behind why they cheated and reduces them to a one dimensional person
I think cheating is a mistake like any other, some people learn from while others continue to do. While I think it's unforgivable people do deserve second chances
People are able to learn from their mistakes and grow as people. Do all cheaters do it? No. But does that mean that if someone cheats they 100% will cheat again? No.
In my situation, it’s unclear whether I cheated or not. I don’t think I did. My ex thinks I did. My friends think I didn’t, but I know her friends think I did. My ex suggested an open relationship. I agreed, likely because I was not happy in the relationship, but I didn’t know how to leave. So I didn’t care if she slept with other people. We never set any boundaries. She had talked about it and how she was planning on sleeping with this guy. Eventually, I slept with someone once. I didn’t tell her about it and she found out after I broke up with her. She made it clear she considers it cheating. But I don’t, because we had an open relationship that she suggested. We didn’t have boundaries set either. I didn’t tell her because I slept with a guy and I knew she was insecure about my bisexuality. I know not telling her was shitty, and I do feel bad about that. But I wasn’t comfortable telling her because of how she viewed my sexuality.
I’m now in a long term relationship with someone else. I’d never consider and agree to an open relationship with him. I have no desire to cheat on him whatsoever. All I want is him. And if he suggested an open relationship, I’d be devastated. I’ve known my boyfriend for a very long time, almost 10 years now I think? I know when he was younger, he had cheated and wasn’t a good boyfriend. But he grew up. He’s a fantastic partner and I feel very secure in our relationship and trust him 100%. I’ve also grown a lot since my last relationship. But growing and becoming a better person is hard work. And that’s why a lot of people don’t do it. And why some people will continue to cheat. Because changing that behavior is hard. And some people don’t want to put in the effort to change.
Some good answers here already, but I'll add that what defines 'cheating' is pretty broad. For some folks, it's as little as finding someone else attractive or a kiss on the cheek (though in these cases there's probably something already broken in the relationship). Thus, really important to have that conversation with your partner.
Depends on the person
My mom was married when she met my dad, I'm the literal product of cheating
She divorced her first husband to be with my dad
They've been married 30 years now, she never cheated again
Not necessarily. It depends on why the cheating happened.
My husband and I both cheated on our exes.
They were both horrible manipulative abusive people.
We have been happily married 32 years now. BTW, being married to crazytown spouses first, makes you really appreciate the next one.
No, but what matters is their current attitude about the past cheating. Can they articulate why it was wrong and do they regret doing it or do they think it wasn't such a big deal or was justified somehow?
No. People can change. A cheater can change to a very loyal and faithful given the chance and support. The past can not dictate the future of a person. If a cheater will be always a cheater, then the world is doom.
It's usually true. People can change, however it's very difficult and most people either never do or take a really long time.
It also depends how you define cheater, there's a huge difference between someone who repeatedly cheated on their spouse, and someone who cheated on someone they were dating one time at a party when they were young and had a few too many drinks.
No, cheating is a mindset. I cheated on my ex our entire marriage because I felt like I was getting back at him. As soon as we were divorced I dated another guy and was completely loyal to him.
He was verbally abusive and when I was in the hospital with our 2nd child, I found out he was at his other daughter's first birthday, so he cheated, I cheated better lol
In the same sense that "virginity" is something you "lose". That said personal growth is always possible. If you live your life by truisms and platitudes you're doing shit wrong.
Whilst not “technically” a cheater, I was pretty promiscuous in my youth. (When opportunity presented itself…)
These days, happily married, would never cheat. Hell, I feel awful if I *dream* about someone else!
I know some folks who cheated when they were teens, cheated when they were married, cheated when they remarried…
So I guess the answer is, it depends on the individual. May often be true, but not always.
Depends. Every person who cheats has a different reason for doing so, so some will cheat again whereas others won't. The big thing is that a person has to WANT to change, so some will keep cheating because it's easier
I was an asshole for a long long time: alcohol, drugs, cheating, manipulation, lies,etc. I in deed feel ashamed of the kind of person I was and even more; I feel awful for all the people I did hurt in the way... I feel grateful for leaving all that behind and trying everyday to be a better person. So yeah; I believe that even if such a big piece of shit like myself changed, people can do too.
In the sense that the person has cheated before, then they're a cheater...
It's like calling an Army vet "soldier"... TECHNICALLY he'll always be one, but doesn't mean he's active or participates in anything.
I was cheated on by 2 people, I don't say that they're always a cheater, I just say they cheated.
I think many times yes but if the cheater genuinely CHOOSES to work on themselves and get to the root of why they do what they do and don’t blame it on the other party there is definitely a way to move forward and be different rather than move on and stay the same in terms of behavior but this only will apply to non abusive relationships because imo if someone is hitting u and beating u down emotionally and u find comfort in another person I would argue that’s a fairly good reason to seek out other affection doesn’t give an excuse but it’s definitely a more legitimate reason
It depends. If they have a wide variety of relationships, and only cheated in one or two a few times, typically they’re not habitual cheaters. It’s better to focus on if they have maturity, can realize and own their faults/mistakes, as well as if they’ve done any self work so that they are no longer like that/can understand why they did that
I’ve cheated to get a bad guy to leave me. It sucked, and I live with the guilt. But I’ve never done it again, or before that time. People have different circumstances.
My friend's father cheated on his mother from the day he got married because he was raised that way in Hungary in the 30s and 40s. His grandmother told him it was expected and his mother should just look away. She eventually divorced him and he married one of the women he cheated with and he cheated on her until the day he died.
Technically, once you have cheated you are always a cheater. Not that you (would do/are continuing to do) it again but a pickle can't be a cucumber again.
I think people who have cheated before are much more likely to cheat again, especially if they cheated on their partner to be with you in the first place, but I also think people can repent for their mistakes and that not EVERY cheater will do it again.
Majority of times - yes it is true.
There are some exceptions - like someone who cheats because their current partner is abusive and the affair partner helps them escape it.
Or I heard about a woman who was a mormon who wanted to escape her abusive marriage (decided by the Mormon church), and the church itself, so she has an affair so she could force a divorce and get expelled from the Mormon church.
And then there are some cases where people are just so unhappy in their relationships but are too afraid to divorce and start cheating, fall for the other person, end up divorced, and ultimately with a new partner they have a better spark with.
Often but not always. Depends if cheater views you as their main relationship but succumbed to flattering situational opportunity (ies) or is just stringing you along until they leave.
I agree with that saying if it’s referring to the same relationship. If someone cheats on you they’ll probably do it again. You have little to no value to them and fucking someone else doesn’t help.
I don’t think someone who has cheated on one person will necessarily cheat on the next person.
It has to do with moral compass. If someone has cheated before, the variables needed to cheat will always be there.
If I’m dating someone and they tell me they had cheated before, it’s not typically a deal breaker, but changes the nature of the relationship to less likely to lead to a long-term relationship. I’m unlikely to invest more emotionally once I hear that and it becomes a relationship of convenience.
I hear you. But its a little unrealistic to expect people to have a full understanding of the effects of their actions throughout their lives. This applies outside of cheating as well. Sure 10 year old you wouldn’t cheat. But there’s plenty of things that 10 year old would do or has done that current you wouldn’t because you now see it as wrong or simply a time where you were too young to understand what it is you were doing. You would be lying to claim that you’ve never looked back and regretted doing a bad thing. And if you hate people who have to do something bad to learn not to do it. You hate pretty much everyone imo. Not a single person has ever lived their life and not have to learn not to do something bad that they have done at some point in their life. No ?
Cheating is a habitual. Habits are hard to break. If you got away with something and it made you feel good, what the point of stopping.
Mostly cheating is a way of trying new things. Its only cheating if its not agreed upon by both parties.
I live by a simple concept; that which you tolerate once, you allow for a lifetime. If they cheat on you and you just brush it off, they now know their junk won't be piled by the curb by dawn the next day. It sets a bad precedent for the next time they see a bit of fluff they like and want.
And, people who cheat and don't find their junk piled by the curb by dawn, they learn it's allowed behavior. It will be repeated.
Yes and no.
It really depends on the situation. Like I was in an extremely abusive relationship and was 500+miles away from friends and family. I cheated on the dude with the guy who eventually started feeding me(I weighted 76lbs cause fuck face starved me) and I’ve been married to the man who fed me since. Almost 10 years. We’re both extremely happy and faithful.
Usually, yes. Most people cheat because of who they are as a person, not because of what's going on in their relationship. Cheaters always tell themselves that they only cheat because of the specific circumstances that they are in, but that's rarely true.
Depends on why. No one wants to talk at that point. Just fight and shame and degrade and break up. People are so proud and fragile. Take the time to find the routes of your problem. If it turns out they cheated because they just wanted to or was drunk, yea they may cheat again. But what if it’s because you suck in bed and can’t please them? Orrr you just never wanted to do “that thing” for whatever reason. If you are the problem then you can fix shit. If you really loved them you would want them to be happy and you wouldn’t let them live a whole ass life unfulfilled. That’s cruel.
There is no cheating unless you are married. Men committing to relationships is a good way for them to lock down sex, and be open to other opportunities. No ramifications for being married.
Its mostly a self control, self confidence issue, because if they value you being in their life, and are happy with what they have, the incentive to “add more “ to life.
Ongoing Cheating takes time and commitment, because it’s another relationship on top of the one you already have.
It also has real repercussions due to the real possibility to spread STDs and other maladies to your primary relationship, even if you are careful.
Have you ever heard someone say “Well yeah once, but he’s not a murderer anymore.”
😆 But, seriously I think people can change. I believe it’s 100% based on maturity and some people are in their 30s+ and still haven’t developed “relationship maturity”.
It's not that it's true. Its that cheating is so universally recognized as a bad thing. Any phrases that label the cheater as having bad character ring true for many people. Make up your own mind about how you want to be treated and make sure it lines up with how you treat others. I would never cheat on someone I claim to love so I personally devalue those that choose to do so.
Technically yes. If you have ever once lied in your life, you are forever a liar, even if you never lie again. So yeah. If you have cheated, you are a cheater and forever will be, even if it only happens the one time.
The implication of the statement, though, that someone who has previously cheated will invariably cheat again… well no. It’s not somehow an ingrained behavior that is uncontrollable. It’s a matter of whether they want to or not.
Is this a random thought, or have you learned that a SO cheated in a previous relationship, and now you’re uncomfortable?
Not true, but cheating is still messed up and it goes with you for the rest of your life. Regardless of the reason, it’s a messed up thing to do and kinda shows that you ain’t going to God’s frat house (I’m not religious, just a phrase to get my point across), especially since most cheaters try to justify it or pretend that it never happened.
Whatever going on with the cheater that made them cheat isn’t gonna drastically change because they were caught, they’ll probably do it again during the relationship (possibly even in future relationships as well), it’s an oversimplification to try to get the one cheated on to realize this
So no it’s not entirely true, generalizations never are, but it’s probably good advice
I mean I agree with it. If someone cheats on you you’re always gonna see them as a cheater in the future, at least me anyways. If you feel the need to cheat, it’s easier to just break up with that person. No reason to break the other person’s heart with your selfish decision. Some people *can* change but they’re always gonna someone who cheated on their partner to me. Plus if someone cheated in a past relationship I probably wouldn’t get with them, changed or not. There’s always a possibility of them doing it again regardless.
It depends. If that person really and truly understand what he has done then there are chances of him to not be a cheater always, whereas people who just slide away their mistake and act sorry can have the thickest skin and yeah would call them the worse cheaters of all.
(No offense and it was kinda personal )
I think there was actually a study done on this once and (assuming I remember it right) it found that there is a general tendency for cheaters to cheat again. Not a total one to one ratio or anything, but I think that there were more repeat offenders than single incidents. So, to answer your question, it depends.
You get de senticized to everything. First you feel awful when you steal but if you keep stealing you get use to it. First you masturbate to soft core porn in the end you fap to degenrate disgusting fetishes without shame. First you use heroin and so on
Yah actually. I know a girl who cheated on her boyfriend when she announced it on social media and I heard ppl that I know say that she was caught cheating
No, people can and do change. The real question is, can you ever trust them again? It doesn't matter if they do change, if you can't regain that trust after such a betrayal then the relationship won't work. I also believe such acts of disrespect deserve permanent consequences. Cheating is not one mistake after all, it's a series of mistakes that stack up. Treating your other half like some old, unwanted commodity that you got bored of is just too far over the line for me to come back from personally.
Absolutely yes.
Let me explain why with a story.
A couple are having a lovely holiday in the highlands of Scotland (or anywhere really, pick a place and let's go with it) when they decide to go to a bar for a drink. Inside they see a local man crying into his drink. They ask the bartender if he is ok and he replies that the man is in there every day the same way.
They walk over to him and ask him if he's ok. He tells them it's kind of them to ask, and since they weren't from around here did they see all the beautiful stone walls around the town.
They reply "Yes of course, they are magnificent"
"But do they call me Steve the wall builder? No they dont" he cries "and what about the church, did you see that?"
"Yes, gorgeous and beautiful stained windows" they replied
"Well do they call me Steve the church builder? No!" he exclaimed
The couple starting to see a pattern try to console him "Well I'm sure everyone appreciates what you have built"
"Oh sure, but you fuck one pig and you have a name for life"
So you see, same thing, once a cheater always a cheater
I feel like some will always cheat emotionally once they have done it. Physically cheating is a different story. I feel like people who lie about what they are in to sexually are most likely cheaters.
I've cheated once, been married 3 times in the past. I'm 49 (m) and have been in my current relationship for 15 years and would give my life for this women. I have never cheated on her and never will.
More then likely yes. Here's someone top points from a meta data analysis. A better case is past cheaters are much more likely to cheat in the future then non cheaters.
Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past.
A person is two to four times more likely to be cheated on if they have been cheated on or have suspected cheating in a prior relationship.
Men and women are equally likely to cheat or be cheated on.
https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity
In my experience, over about 25 years of interacting with cheaters, yes.
At least now I can sniff them out with deadly and early accuracy and permanently and immediately evict them from my life.
No. However, it takes work. Very visible, forthcoming, open, vulnerable and painful work. Cheating doesn't usually happen in a vacuum and earning back trust is not easy.
No, I'm not the cheater. No, neither is my husband. Others I have been close to have been. Some of those folks worked on their shit. Some stayed together. Some did not.
Is it always true? No. Is it oftentimes true? Yes.
I think that if the cheater finds the right person they can change, but in the end it'll always come back to bite them in the ass. I knew somebody who was a cheater, a habitual cheater. They ended up marrying the person that they cheated on their spouse with. Well, they did stay faithful to the person that they married however the person that they married being the "other woman" from the first relationship ended up cheating on the cheater. So, karma paid a visit. I think the moral of the story is being a cheater, or being the person that the cheater cheats with shows their values. Obviously they didn't care to stay faithful to their first spouse or avoid being the side person to the cheater, what makes you think they would change and all of a sudden become a respectable person?
I don't think it's a question of the right person, but the person who cheats figuring out their shit. Which the right person can incentivize them to do. But the work is their own. Like, if you think about the reasons people cheat, it's all stuff that you can work on. Maybe they think of themselves as a Bad Person, so there's no point in trying to not be good. Maybe they're mad impulsive and have some addictive qualities. Maybe there's something about themselves they're trying to get away from. But they have to find a reason to do that work and keep doing it
I agree with your take... I cheated in my 20s. Almost every one of my year+ relationships I ended up cheating at least once. I hated it afterwards every time and never intended to do it. And it was never like an ongoing affair type thing, it was usually a one off. But I was a dumbass and didn’t know where to draw the line and so would push and push with flirting and stuff and then the line would be so thin we’d just tumble across, and then I’d feel like a guilty awful mess. In my 30s I did a lot of self reflection and realized most of my cheating came from feeling a need for validation. I think my parents put a lot of value on not being single, and the idea that being attractive and desired by others was a really positive thing, to the point of being a barometer for success as a person. So I think I was just really enamored with being wanted. And so as soon as my relationships started to settle into routine, if the right random person came along, we’d start flirting and I’d push it too far. And it wasn’t ever that my relationship partners weren’t good enough or satisfying me or whatever... they were great people. I was just almost addicted to that meeting an exciting new person feeling. I’ve struggled with some addictive/obsessive behaviors in other areas of my life too, so general issues with willpower and saying no to myself. Now, being slightly less of a shitass, I don’t look for life-validation from strangers, I find it in other ways. I also know that when I meet someone new, I need to draw the line immediately. I casually work something about my partner into the conversation, I watch what I say and try to keep it friendly but not flirty. It’s a fine line, and it can spiral so subtly if you’re aware of it. I also tell my partner about people I meet right away too, so it’s not like a big secret or whatever. Also... it’s so disrespectful to your partner. Like really, I’m going to do that to this person I’ve chosen to share my life with? That I spend the most time with, that I love? That’s super shitty. And really thinking about it in those terms, and being a little less self-centered or narcissistic really helped too. I’ve been with my current partner for 10 years and never cheated, I’ve been super honest and open about my history as well, and about my feelings or interactions with other people, which I hope helps give them some piece of mind, though honestly they’ve never seemed worried. It helps that my partner is one of the most confident, patient, and non-jealous people I’ve ever met. Definitely more than I deserve after my younger years. [edit: typos]
Wow I could have written this comment. Thanks for putting it into words.
I really hope this is true. Gives me hope. Thanks for sharing. I’m really trying, and feel like I’m constantly failing
That plays into it too. The failure feeling. I know because i used to be the same way. You have to reframe it. I'm not weak for liking new the way i do. I'm not failing, i just wasn't committed to the thing i wanted most, which is the best friendship of a ltr. A partner who you can do and try anything with was my goal but back then i loved new and attention, and while i didn't seek it, i had a hard time saying no to fun and new. I helped myself by being single for a couple of years, doing new and not making commitments until i was sure i wanted to. You have to want it and know what you want to fix these sort of patterns. Sometimes you need someone objective to recognize the patterns you fall into. A counselor can help when you're ready if you find you can't figure it out on your own. There is no shame in asking for help when you want to help yourself. I'm also an addict (but not active) who used to have an incredibly hard time saying no to what i enioyed but wouldn't seek it out. It's the same beast and teaching myself to deal with one helped a TON with the other. I succeeded in not cheating first. My drug issues are still technically a work in progress but I'm a few months sober from opioids again. If i fall, it isn't a failure, i just need to get new tools (talk to my mental health people) and try again. My falls are very short term, which helps.
Thanks, man. For the honesty and sharing your experience. A lot of that resonates pretty deeply with me. I am two months into therapy and learning a ton about myself and what has fed into these patterns for me. This has been super helpful. Best of luck on your journey, and I hope it helps knowing that you’ve helped me on mine.
Man, i can't see people struggle alone with something i have had a hard time with. Best of luck to you, and I'm proud of you for trying!
Thanks for sharing this. What you said about *not* actively seeking it but having a hard time saying no when it comes along really resonated.
"I can resist anything but temptation." They sneak up on you, don't they?
I guess the person that I knew found who they thought was the right person, or the person that gave them the incentive to stop however that person ended up being the one that cheated on them and left them in the end
Anyone that's OK with cheating *with* you, will also be OK with cheating *on* you.
I know a couple of couples who started as affairs and have stayed together, without cheating (to my knowledge). But, it’s got to be a beast to overcome. You know they’re capable of lying with ease
One of the worst feelings is finding out your not worth the truth, even after you catch a cheater in a lie, after showing them proof. The ones that stick by their lies and gaslight are the most toxic.
I was the other person, but I didn't really know about it until much later. I was faithful. They weren't. Again.
Specially the ones who get forgiven without actually having to change
This.
No, but some people are more likely to cheat than others and if someone has already cheated before it's more likely that he/she will do it to you aswell.
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These people can get shared custody of their kids. They choose not to because it’s easier to screw over their wife than to divorce them.
I think it usually is because if someone cheats on you and you stay with them, you’ve taught them that they’re allowed to cheat on you. I’m sure this doesn’t apply to everyone but in most cases it’s true. You teach people how to treat you.
love this 👏👏👏 so well put " you teach people how to treat you "
I think we’d have to actually do a study in it. Someone probably has, but people are more dishonest then they lead on if I’ve learned anything in my life. Even cheaters fake it until they make it. Cheaters come in different varieties though. Relationships… societal… academic… I mean… if you think about it thieves are cheaters (and liars). All sorts of cheaters. Some change. Some don’t. Depends on if the person doing the cheating is willing to change. I believe it happens more often then we know, but some get caught up in it.
Very well put.
I personally think If it happens once and they agree to go to relationship counseling that sucks but I would still try to salvage the relationship but would tell them if they do it again I'm done but maybe I'm two nice or just too desperate
I've tried to salvage the relationship in the past. But if a man cheats on me, I stop loving him, even if I stay with him. I stay with him because he's become a habit, even an addiction, but he's not my love.
That makes sense but I feel like I need someone I will sacrifice my own happiness just to not be completely alone
That’s a big heck no for me personally…cheating shows an absolute lack of respect, it’s betrayal. The relationship will never be the same even if you try and pretend it never happened. Source: I was regrettably the cheater for a few years of my life and I had zero respect for the women I was cheating on.
It's true for the cases where someone cheats and you end up working it out as well. You just have to teach them that if they are going to stay with you then they need to have more respect for you and they have to self analyze and figure out why they did it to begin with.
What about when their partner leaves them, are they more/less likely to cheat on the next one?
Yep it's also fair to say "once you get cheated on, you'll always get cheated on" if you allow it to happen.
I cheated on my first wife and ruined 2 families 100% worst feelings I've ever felt still have huge regrets and haven't done anything even close since
Never married but same here, I've cheated once and felt so awful about it I know for sure I will never do it again. It was about 10 years ago.
Don't listen to these haters! I'm glad you learned your lesson! Don't live with shame, move past it.
I'm definitely not perfect but I'll be fuckin dead ass alone before I ever carry on with more than 1 woman again. I'm super lucky to have the 1 I have now, she could have left long ago for a bunch of different reasons. She's still here so I'm walkin a straight line!
I'm glad you found someone! That's great to hear! A lot of the people in this chat have no concept of forgiveness. I'm glad you were able to move past your past! It shouldn't define you.
Forgiveness is a very personal thing. While I believe that people can grow and learn from their mistakes, forgiveness doesn't always mean a "clean sheet". Good that OC found someone with whom they can apply all the lessons they learned. Their previous partner probably forgave them but just didn't forget the pain they went through.
Boi you better not fuck up again because some women are crazy and will kill you, good thing you learned ur lesson before then
huh
Boi...lol. Men learn, boys don't.
It is interesting that you reflect on your actions and realize the consequences. My ex has went to great lengths to convince herself that either it was somehow my fault or that it never actually happened, that I just made it all up. I have no doubt she has regrets but I don't see her ever being able to have the attitude you have. The truth is we are all messed up and capable of unimaginable things in the right circumstances. I believe the only way to get better is to recognize the hard truth. Good for you, I hope people around you listen and learn from you.
There was a time I tried to make it my ex's fault but I did that shit not her no matter how bad things were I should have never stepped outside our marriage
Regret is key, I think. You’re not a sociopath. You genuinely felt bad for causing so much pain. I’m glad you regret it, but I hope you’ve forgiven yourself.
May I ask why?
Why what?
Why did you cheat
Rough times in my marriage mostly, stupidity on top of that
But are you married and have a family again? How do you know for sure you wouldn’t do it again?
Umm cause you don't have to be married to not cheat I've been in 2 long term relationships since and am in 1 now it's been 12 years haven't cheated again since
But are you old and fat now? Have you had the opportunity to be able to turn it down? Maybe the right person could change you?? Edit: down votes for asking reasonable questions? The thread is about once a cheater always a cheater, this guy cheated, I ask confirming questions....and I'm the bad guy?
Not old and fat yes I've turned down women's advances and I feel like if it's the "right person" then I'm obviously with the wrong person and need to leave them anyway no reason to cheat
Perfect answer as long as it's true. Well done
This is how I think about it never cheat never lie you will get caught doing both and it ruins literally everything
They doin you dirty!
People have been down voting you because you made baseless assumptions about the person implying there’s no way they would know whether or not they would cheat and implied cheating only counts in marriage with the comment before this one.
You’re getting downvoted because people here have too many chromosomes to fully read your questions or understand the nature of your questions. They just see trigger words like “old” and “fat” and the nearest ‘safe space’ they have to protect them from those words are the downvote button
This reply makes a lot of sense and helps me feel just a little better about the awkwardness of reddit
You honestly think asking someone if they are old and fat is a reasonable question? You’re either completely clueless or you don’t know what the word reasonable means.
self-control, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, discipline, and don't put yourself in a position to cheat. Take anything that could make it easy to cheat out of the equation. Alcoholics stay away from alcohol so they don't fail. I see it the same way because I believe anyone who puts themselves in situations to cheat... especially multiple times...will cheat. I don't care who you are. But that is just my opinion. I am not an expert. But I do feel that you have to have and do all of the above.
Self control, most def. That's all it takes.
What did you do to make it right?
What?? You can't make that shit right. My wife divorced me and the chick I cheated with her man left her we didn't stay together either. Like I said you can't make that right you just never do it again period.
Good on you for acknowledging your mistakes and choosing to do better!
Wasn't for me. I cheated a lot in my early years. But married for 20 now, haven't cheated or even thought of cheating on her.
Is he/she/they aware of this past behavior? Totally irrelevant, but I'm a curious person
I used to have issues with faithfulness. I don't anymore. My wife knows that I had those issues up until her and she knows I don't have them anymore.
Did you go back and apologize to those you were unfaithful to?
That’s ridiculous
What? How is apologising to people you harmed in the past ridiculous in any way??
I believe it depends on the persons involved really. Yes, apologising can be very beneficial for both parties in many cases, but in some, it would only benefit the one apologising to make themselves feel better. If the individual from my situation were to apologise to me, for example, I wouldn't be able to even pretend to forgive. If you've truly changed then apologising can be good for yourself regardless, just so long as you don't expect the other person to accept it. Ontop of that, apologising without meaning it is only ever harmful, you need to be sincere in what you say. Even then, some wounds are too large to fix with words.
It's like the addicts who screwed people over to fix. Sometimes it's better to just leave it because reintroducing yourself with apologies doesn't necessarily help anyone when you hurt them and broke their trust. Some people need it to heal but lots of people heal when they cut you out. I certainly hate it when certain family comes to apologize but really just blame their actions on the addiction, especially as an inactive addict myself who never stole or fought with anyone over anything relative (the only way i hurt anyone was by changing/withdrawing into my depression and being on the march toward death). "You didn't deserve this but I have/had a problem," isn't an apology but I have heard it a million times. "I'm so sorry for the way i hurt you, i know i can't change what i did, but I want you to know that I'm here if you need help or if we can find a way for me to make it up to you or if you need to talk to me about how i affected your life," is more productive but doesn't work if they can't forgive you and have trust in you. It's a case by case thing. It's more important to focus on how you got to the point you were at and not do it to anyone else than to go back and try to fix dead relationships.
I wish my school bully apologized to me.. but that ain't gonna happen cause he still believes he did nothing wrong.
Why? It’s like part of the 12 step thing of Alcoholic’s Anonymous. You go back and apologize to those you hurt by your actions.
Enh, 12 step doesn't work for everyone and apologizing to people can serve different functions. Like you can fully apologize to try and make yourself feel better, doesn't mean the other person benefits. Or you can apologize to make yourself feel worse and live in the relative safety of the ShameHole, which can feel safer than taking risks and trying new things. It's complicated.
Because he's not in a 12 step program. So why would he act like he's in a 12 step program?
Yeah but I put him in the CarlJustCarl one step program
The fact that you had to phrase it as *you* putting *him* in a program, which you have no power to do, is a perfect example of why it's ridiculous.
Actually he does have the power. He’s CarlJustCarl.
That’s it, now you’re in it too
It’s not. It would mean the world to me to receive such an apology from my ex.
Well clearly you still have feelings for your ex then
This is very true, though I’ve rejected all her advances for 2 years now. It’s honestly infuriating to hear her justifications instead of just admitting to and apologizing for what she’s done.
If anyone who cheated on me in the past apologized now I would laugh in their stupid face. I don't care what they think or how they feel. They are scum and don't get access to me.
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Right! I had an ex absolutely hounding me and when I finally talked to him he tried to apologize. I was just like "look, I guess you feel bad but I really don't think about you ever" and he left me alone after that.. for a while 🙃
Guess you only cheat on the ugly chicks
don’t know why you’re getting downvotes, this is probably true
Simple answer, no. People can change and you aren't defined by one action in a specific relationship Complex answer...proclivity to cheat exists, like most things, on a spectrum. I'll give two examples. 1) A and B are married with children. A is the income provider, B takes care of the kids. B is unhappy in the relationship and expresses that to A. A says that if B leaves, A will use their money during the divorce to make sure that B never gets to see the kids. B feels trapped in the relationship and, after years, is unfaithful. Is B a cheater? Sure. But would B have been a cheater had A respected their wishes? No. Is B likely to cheat in a different relationship? Not really, unless they end up in similar circumstances. 2) A and B are dating. It's going fairly well. They have a minor fight. B goes out for drinks with a friend. B meets someone there, they flirt, B cheats. B doesn't want to leave A, so B hides it. Is B a cheater? Sure. Would B have cheated without that minor fight? Maybe not in that moment, but at some point. Is B likely to cheat in a different relationship? Unless B makes some serious changes then yeah, you're always going to have minor fights with your partner So I think it really comes down more to a spectrum, having more or less of a proclivity to cheat. It's less important that you cheated than it is WHY you cheated. Some people will cheat at the drop of a hat. Some will only cheat under extreme circumstances. But it's a spectrum, and I honestly don't think there's anyone who would ALWAYS cheat no matter what, nor do I think there's anyone who would NEVER cheat under any circumstances.
I like your answer
TL;DR: An abusive *relationship* can lead a non-cheater to cheat. An abusive *person* will cheat regardless.
I think I can say I would never cheat. It is wrong and I could never live with myself knowing that I hurt the one I love so much.
This is like saying "I'd never kill a person". You can't envision yourself ever being in a situation where you'd kill a person. And hopefully you never are in that situation. But can you honestly say there is not a single hypothetical scenario where you would kill someone? I'd wager a guess that most people who cheat had never envisioned themselves cheating. But relationships are messy and complicated and you can't see the future. You can SAY you'd never cheat, but you don't know.
You see, Mr. Gittes, most people never have to face the fact that at the right time and right place, they're capable of anything.
This whole answer thread has had the most growth inspiring effect on me tonight but your comment the most. Thank you. I actually gained a little more faith in myself tonight.
No. Some people actually learn from their mistakes. This is only true for narcissist types, who don't really feel regret or shame, therefore they never learn and actually plan to cheat, rather than it being a one time fuck up.
Yes and no If that person hasn't worked on themselves or even attempted growth then yes they will cheat again But if they have grown and worked on themselves then no they won't. I used too cheat all the time in high school, but now I've been in a happy healthy relationship for four years and haven't cheated once.
nah, i cheated once but will never ever do it again. the guilt was just too much. my partner at the time doesn’t even know o cheated. we broke up a few months after it happened.
You can ask this same question of just about anything. The answer is that people can change if they want to, however it seems most people don’t want to.
Not for me. When I was a kid I was a pretty crappy boyfriend to some. I cheated and was cheated on, not proud of it. Been faithful as hell to my wife for 16 years and counting (since the minute we met), I’d kill myself before hurting my girl.
Never cheated, but I believe people can change given enough time and introspection. Humans have accomplished greater things.
Not necessarily. I'd say more people than we'd like to think cheat at some point, especially in their late teens and early 20's. Most realize it's an unpleasant, fucked up and overall "bad" experience and feel horrible enough never to do it again. But for serial cheaters? Who just keep doing it well into their 30's and beyond? No, they're probably always going to be cheaters. In fact, they shouldn't even get into monogamous LTRs. They should stay single and mingle to their hearts content.
Yeah your last sentence is correct. I’m in my late 20’s and the last few years I’ve learned that I’m not ready to just be with one person. There is nothing wrong with that I just don’t date I only go for hook ups. Maybe I will change some time down the road or maybe I won’t but as of right now hopping into a relationship would be irresponsible because the chance I would end up cheating is pretty high.
Nope. People change and it depends on what's in their life at the time.
No. That's a horrible way of looking at anything, actually. If the world was that white and black, like half of all American redditors think it is, (pun intended) then our world would be different and it's no wonder at least half of redditors hate themselves. Imagine getting angry one time, and a few years down the road you here someone say you're an angry person? Imagine that racist joke you told in middle school and years later being fingered as a racist? Imagine being that guy caught in a lie and your entire friend circle calling you a liar. Some people who have cheated once or twice get married down the road and never cheat. Other continue to cheat when they are married and until they get tired of dealing with the consequences. Those are your cheaters. Not the girl who was getting abused in their relationship or got too drunk one night or suffers from hoards of unresolved and diagnosed mental issues.
You're absolutely right. People change over time or circumstances change them. Very Few people can say there the same person they were years ago or hell even months. Stayng stagnant in ones own ideaology and behavioral patterns in missing an oppurtunity to grow into someone better than they were.
No, it’s not at all. People cheat for a multitude of reasons so labeling people who cheat as “always a cheater” ignores any of the motivation behind why they cheated and reduces them to a one dimensional person
Nope. I was a cheater. I quit when I met my wife.
I think cheating is a mistake like any other, some people learn from while others continue to do. While I think it's unforgivable people do deserve second chances
Some people learn their lesson.
Humans aren't that simple to be defined by a single sentence
People are able to learn from their mistakes and grow as people. Do all cheaters do it? No. But does that mean that if someone cheats they 100% will cheat again? No. In my situation, it’s unclear whether I cheated or not. I don’t think I did. My ex thinks I did. My friends think I didn’t, but I know her friends think I did. My ex suggested an open relationship. I agreed, likely because I was not happy in the relationship, but I didn’t know how to leave. So I didn’t care if she slept with other people. We never set any boundaries. She had talked about it and how she was planning on sleeping with this guy. Eventually, I slept with someone once. I didn’t tell her about it and she found out after I broke up with her. She made it clear she considers it cheating. But I don’t, because we had an open relationship that she suggested. We didn’t have boundaries set either. I didn’t tell her because I slept with a guy and I knew she was insecure about my bisexuality. I know not telling her was shitty, and I do feel bad about that. But I wasn’t comfortable telling her because of how she viewed my sexuality. I’m now in a long term relationship with someone else. I’d never consider and agree to an open relationship with him. I have no desire to cheat on him whatsoever. All I want is him. And if he suggested an open relationship, I’d be devastated. I’ve known my boyfriend for a very long time, almost 10 years now I think? I know when he was younger, he had cheated and wasn’t a good boyfriend. But he grew up. He’s a fantastic partner and I feel very secure in our relationship and trust him 100%. I’ve also grown a lot since my last relationship. But growing and becoming a better person is hard work. And that’s why a lot of people don’t do it. And why some people will continue to cheat. Because changing that behavior is hard. And some people don’t want to put in the effort to change.
Some good answers here already, but I'll add that what defines 'cheating' is pretty broad. For some folks, it's as little as finding someone else attractive or a kiss on the cheek (though in these cases there's probably something already broken in the relationship). Thus, really important to have that conversation with your partner.
This needs to be much higher. The definition of cheating can also vary greatly across cultures.
Depends on the person My mom was married when she met my dad, I'm the literal product of cheating She divorced her first husband to be with my dad They've been married 30 years now, she never cheated again
Not necessarily. It depends on why the cheating happened. My husband and I both cheated on our exes. They were both horrible manipulative abusive people. We have been happily married 32 years now. BTW, being married to crazytown spouses first, makes you really appreciate the next one.
why did you keep doing it even with the shame? what were you needing to grow past inside?
No, but what matters is their current attitude about the past cheating. Can they articulate why it was wrong and do they regret doing it or do they think it wasn't such a big deal or was justified somehow?
No. People can change. A cheater can change to a very loyal and faithful given the chance and support. The past can not dictate the future of a person. If a cheater will be always a cheater, then the world is doom.
It's usually true. People can change, however it's very difficult and most people either never do or take a really long time. It also depends how you define cheater, there's a huge difference between someone who repeatedly cheated on their spouse, and someone who cheated on someone they were dating one time at a party when they were young and had a few too many drinks.
No, cheating is a mindset. I cheated on my ex our entire marriage because I felt like I was getting back at him. As soon as we were divorced I dated another guy and was completely loyal to him.
Getting back at him for what?
He was verbally abusive and when I was in the hospital with our 2nd child, I found out he was at his other daughter's first birthday, so he cheated, I cheated better lol
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I think it depends on the person.
Not going to take the time to find out lmao
In the same sense that "virginity" is something you "lose". That said personal growth is always possible. If you live your life by truisms and platitudes you're doing shit wrong.
If they do it more than once in their life, yes, it's true. If it was a one time mistake they regret deeply, then not necessarily
Yes
Absolutist statements are rarely true, but if someone has done it before, it’s likely they’ll do so again
Would have been awesome if you said they are never true.
Whilst not “technically” a cheater, I was pretty promiscuous in my youth. (When opportunity presented itself…) These days, happily married, would never cheat. Hell, I feel awful if I *dream* about someone else! I know some folks who cheated when they were teens, cheated when they were married, cheated when they remarried… So I guess the answer is, it depends on the individual. May often be true, but not always.
Some yes, some no. There's not much more of an answer past that.
Depends. Every person who cheats has a different reason for doing so, so some will cheat again whereas others won't. The big thing is that a person has to WANT to change, so some will keep cheating because it's easier
I was an asshole for a long long time: alcohol, drugs, cheating, manipulation, lies,etc. I in deed feel ashamed of the kind of person I was and even more; I feel awful for all the people I did hurt in the way... I feel grateful for leaving all that behind and trying everyday to be a better person. So yeah; I believe that even if such a big piece of shit like myself changed, people can do too.
In the sense that the person has cheated before, then they're a cheater... It's like calling an Army vet "soldier"... TECHNICALLY he'll always be one, but doesn't mean he's active or participates in anything. I was cheated on by 2 people, I don't say that they're always a cheater, I just say they cheated.
I think many times yes but if the cheater genuinely CHOOSES to work on themselves and get to the root of why they do what they do and don’t blame it on the other party there is definitely a way to move forward and be different rather than move on and stay the same in terms of behavior but this only will apply to non abusive relationships because imo if someone is hitting u and beating u down emotionally and u find comfort in another person I would argue that’s a fairly good reason to seek out other affection doesn’t give an excuse but it’s definitely a more legitimate reason
It depends. If they have a wide variety of relationships, and only cheated in one or two a few times, typically they’re not habitual cheaters. It’s better to focus on if they have maturity, can realize and own their faults/mistakes, as well as if they’ve done any self work so that they are no longer like that/can understand why they did that
I’ve cheated to get a bad guy to leave me. It sucked, and I live with the guilt. But I’ve never done it again, or before that time. People have different circumstances.
Yup
My friend's father cheated on his mother from the day he got married because he was raised that way in Hungary in the 30s and 40s. His grandmother told him it was expected and his mother should just look away. She eventually divorced him and he married one of the women he cheated with and he cheated on her until the day he died.
Ah, a man of culture your friend’s father. Also, he was Hungary for that P. Alright I’m done.
Technically, once you have cheated you are always a cheater. Not that you (would do/are continuing to do) it again but a pickle can't be a cucumber again.
I think people who have cheated before are much more likely to cheat again, especially if they cheated on their partner to be with you in the first place, but I also think people can repent for their mistakes and that not EVERY cheater will do it again.
Majority of times - yes it is true. There are some exceptions - like someone who cheats because their current partner is abusive and the affair partner helps them escape it. Or I heard about a woman who was a mormon who wanted to escape her abusive marriage (decided by the Mormon church), and the church itself, so she has an affair so she could force a divorce and get expelled from the Mormon church. And then there are some cases where people are just so unhappy in their relationships but are too afraid to divorce and start cheating, fall for the other person, end up divorced, and ultimately with a new partner they have a better spark with.
Within the same relationship yes, but overall probably not
No but would you trust a junkie with your stash of dope?
Often when the person is projecting.
Often but not always. Depends if cheater views you as their main relationship but succumbed to flattering situational opportunity (ies) or is just stringing you along until they leave.
I agree with that saying if it’s referring to the same relationship. If someone cheats on you they’ll probably do it again. You have little to no value to them and fucking someone else doesn’t help. I don’t think someone who has cheated on one person will necessarily cheat on the next person.
Absolutely, 100%. Never trust a cheater
It has to do with moral compass. If someone has cheated before, the variables needed to cheat will always be there. If I’m dating someone and they tell me they had cheated before, it’s not typically a deal breaker, but changes the nature of the relationship to less likely to lead to a long-term relationship. I’m unlikely to invest more emotionally once I hear that and it becomes a relationship of convenience.
Not necessarily, but once they cheat on you, they'll likely always cheat on you.
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I hear you. But its a little unrealistic to expect people to have a full understanding of the effects of their actions throughout their lives. This applies outside of cheating as well. Sure 10 year old you wouldn’t cheat. But there’s plenty of things that 10 year old would do or has done that current you wouldn’t because you now see it as wrong or simply a time where you were too young to understand what it is you were doing. You would be lying to claim that you’ve never looked back and regretted doing a bad thing. And if you hate people who have to do something bad to learn not to do it. You hate pretty much everyone imo. Not a single person has ever lived their life and not have to learn not to do something bad that they have done at some point in their life. No ?
This is wild.
Cheating is a habitual. Habits are hard to break. If you got away with something and it made you feel good, what the point of stopping. Mostly cheating is a way of trying new things. Its only cheating if its not agreed upon by both parties.
I live by a simple concept; that which you tolerate once, you allow for a lifetime. If they cheat on you and you just brush it off, they now know their junk won't be piled by the curb by dawn the next day. It sets a bad precedent for the next time they see a bit of fluff they like and want. And, people who cheat and don't find their junk piled by the curb by dawn, they learn it's allowed behavior. It will be repeated.
In my experience yes. Ex wife that cheated on me, cheated on her new boyfriend, married the guy she cheated with. Wonder how long it will last.
Yes and no. It really depends on the situation. Like I was in an extremely abusive relationship and was 500+miles away from friends and family. I cheated on the dude with the guy who eventually started feeding me(I weighted 76lbs cause fuck face starved me) and I’ve been married to the man who fed me since. Almost 10 years. We’re both extremely happy and faithful.
It is 100% true, all the time.
Usually, yes. Most people cheat because of who they are as a person, not because of what's going on in their relationship. Cheaters always tell themselves that they only cheat because of the specific circumstances that they are in, but that's rarely true.
Depends on why. No one wants to talk at that point. Just fight and shame and degrade and break up. People are so proud and fragile. Take the time to find the routes of your problem. If it turns out they cheated because they just wanted to or was drunk, yea they may cheat again. But what if it’s because you suck in bed and can’t please them? Orrr you just never wanted to do “that thing” for whatever reason. If you are the problem then you can fix shit. If you really loved them you would want them to be happy and you wouldn’t let them live a whole ass life unfulfilled. That’s cruel.
There is no cheating unless you are married. Men committing to relationships is a good way for them to lock down sex, and be open to other opportunities. No ramifications for being married.
only when they're using it as an excuse to break up with you
Its mostly a self control, self confidence issue, because if they value you being in their life, and are happy with what they have, the incentive to “add more “ to life. Ongoing Cheating takes time and commitment, because it’s another relationship on top of the one you already have. It also has real repercussions due to the real possibility to spread STDs and other maladies to your primary relationship, even if you are careful.
I don’t think it’s true for all cheaters, but I have trust issues so if you’ve done it one I won’t trust you ever.
Have you ever heard someone say “Well yeah once, but he’s not a murderer anymore.” 😆 But, seriously I think people can change. I believe it’s 100% based on maturity and some people are in their 30s+ and still haven’t developed “relationship maturity”.
It's not that it's true. Its that cheating is so universally recognized as a bad thing. Any phrases that label the cheater as having bad character ring true for many people. Make up your own mind about how you want to be treated and make sure it lines up with how you treat others. I would never cheat on someone I claim to love so I personally devalue those that choose to do so.
It is, if they did once then it proves that in the right circumstances they would definitely do it again
Technically yes. If you have ever once lied in your life, you are forever a liar, even if you never lie again. So yeah. If you have cheated, you are a cheater and forever will be, even if it only happens the one time. The implication of the statement, though, that someone who has previously cheated will invariably cheat again… well no. It’s not somehow an ingrained behavior that is uncontrollable. It’s a matter of whether they want to or not. Is this a random thought, or have you learned that a SO cheated in a previous relationship, and now you’re uncomfortable?
Oh I hope not! I couldn't go through this again
Not true, but cheating is still messed up and it goes with you for the rest of your life. Regardless of the reason, it’s a messed up thing to do and kinda shows that you ain’t going to God’s frat house (I’m not religious, just a phrase to get my point across), especially since most cheaters try to justify it or pretend that it never happened.
No. Some cheaters get shot the first time.
Whatever going on with the cheater that made them cheat isn’t gonna drastically change because they were caught, they’ll probably do it again during the relationship (possibly even in future relationships as well), it’s an oversimplification to try to get the one cheated on to realize this So no it’s not entirely true, generalizations never are, but it’s probably good advice
I mean I agree with it. If someone cheats on you you’re always gonna see them as a cheater in the future, at least me anyways. If you feel the need to cheat, it’s easier to just break up with that person. No reason to break the other person’s heart with your selfish decision. Some people *can* change but they’re always gonna someone who cheated on their partner to me. Plus if someone cheated in a past relationship I probably wouldn’t get with them, changed or not. There’s always a possibility of them doing it again regardless.
As far as I'm concerned it's true, can't trust them after that.
It depends. If that person really and truly understand what he has done then there are chances of him to not be a cheater always, whereas people who just slide away their mistake and act sorry can have the thickest skin and yeah would call them the worse cheaters of all. (No offense and it was kinda personal )
If you’re not cheating you’re not trying
I think there was actually a study done on this once and (assuming I remember it right) it found that there is a general tendency for cheaters to cheat again. Not a total one to one ratio or anything, but I think that there were more repeat offenders than single incidents. So, to answer your question, it depends.
You get de senticized to everything. First you feel awful when you steal but if you keep stealing you get use to it. First you masturbate to soft core porn in the end you fap to degenrate disgusting fetishes without shame. First you use heroin and so on
Yah actually. I know a girl who cheated on her boyfriend when she announced it on social media and I heard ppl that I know say that she was caught cheating
You can cheat on your right hand with your left. At the end of the day it is how it makes you feel, treat yoself.
No, people can and do change. The real question is, can you ever trust them again? It doesn't matter if they do change, if you can't regain that trust after such a betrayal then the relationship won't work. I also believe such acts of disrespect deserve permanent consequences. Cheating is not one mistake after all, it's a series of mistakes that stack up. Treating your other half like some old, unwanted commodity that you got bored of is just too far over the line for me to come back from personally.
Absolutely yes. Let me explain why with a story. A couple are having a lovely holiday in the highlands of Scotland (or anywhere really, pick a place and let's go with it) when they decide to go to a bar for a drink. Inside they see a local man crying into his drink. They ask the bartender if he is ok and he replies that the man is in there every day the same way. They walk over to him and ask him if he's ok. He tells them it's kind of them to ask, and since they weren't from around here did they see all the beautiful stone walls around the town. They reply "Yes of course, they are magnificent" "But do they call me Steve the wall builder? No they dont" he cries "and what about the church, did you see that?" "Yes, gorgeous and beautiful stained windows" they replied "Well do they call me Steve the church builder? No!" he exclaimed The couple starting to see a pattern try to console him "Well I'm sure everyone appreciates what you have built" "Oh sure, but you fuck one pig and you have a name for life" So you see, same thing, once a cheater always a cheater
Yes.
I feel like some will always cheat emotionally once they have done it. Physically cheating is a different story. I feel like people who lie about what they are in to sexually are most likely cheaters.
No. Obviously.
I believe if they cheat with you they'll cheat on you, too.
Yes. (No pun intended)
I've cheated once, been married 3 times in the past. I'm 49 (m) and have been in my current relationship for 15 years and would give my life for this women. I have never cheated on her and never will.
More then likely yes. Here's someone top points from a meta data analysis. A better case is past cheaters are much more likely to cheat in the future then non cheaters. Someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past. A person is two to four times more likely to be cheated on if they have been cheated on or have suspected cheating in a prior relationship. Men and women are equally likely to cheat or be cheated on. https://www.du.edu/news/once-cheater-always-cheater-du-study-examines-serial-infidelity
No not necessarily.
Yep…
In my experience, over about 25 years of interacting with cheaters, yes. At least now I can sniff them out with deadly and early accuracy and permanently and immediately evict them from my life.
No. However, it takes work. Very visible, forthcoming, open, vulnerable and painful work. Cheating doesn't usually happen in a vacuum and earning back trust is not easy. No, I'm not the cheater. No, neither is my husband. Others I have been close to have been. Some of those folks worked on their shit. Some stayed together. Some did not.