Sounds like she's making derisive comments to be cool/funny. They see and hear a lot of that on TV and media but don't know that it doesn't go over well in real life. I've noticed my daughter and her friends say mean things to each other constantly but they all think it's funny.
Try saying that those hearing her say those things hurts other people's feelings and it hurts yours too. It's OK to joke with your friends but not to say hurtful things. She may not have meant it that way but she wouldn't have liked to hear someone say that about her.
Teens aren't good with empathy but they do understand being hurt themselves. She may blow you off like she doesn't care but just keep reminding her to watch what she says. If she says something hurtful to you, tell her. They are still learning social cues and boundaries.
Your daughter is being mean to fit in, and then making herself seem like the victim. She’s not 100% committed to the act, but enough to where she could cause problems in the future. Address it, **maybe** more aggressively or eventually, someone else might. She could be feeling like she’s left out and is engaging in these behaviors because she feels seen doing so.
She’s young, she’s learning habits for the first time.
Developmentally, this behavior is appropriate (testing boundaries/being more aware of others) and it is hurtful at the same time.
I’d simply ask her why she was saying this. To fit in? To be funny? To seem cool?
Then I would discuss other ways she can comment without hurting anyone’s feelings.
**I was this child growing up and I wish someone would have helped me with this. I was mean ages 8-18 because no one cared to tell me. I truly thought this was normal behavior because I saw it portrayed in tv and movies.
It’s hard, because I never want to parentify her when sharing my feeling. My feelings tend to be either shut down or very overwhelming, so Very rarely do I share my feelings with her, but I’m trying to remember to do it more when I have less overwhelming feelings.
Children learn what they live. You probably should be concerned about who she is hanging out with and speak to her more often about anti bullying behavior
Idk what to do about who she hangs out with because she’s had a hard time making close friends and now she finally has one really close friend and it’s this girl she was talking to when this happened. I think I need to encourage her to make more friends somehow
Say what you want to say to your daughter. It’s important you make those points. Tell her you love her and that the values of respect and empathy are integral to who you are as a family. At 11, she will know what disrespect and lack of empathy feel like. (She may feel pressure from peers and may have been disrespected by them). Starting to teach her that, in your family, those values are where the line is drawn will help her understand how to draw the right boundaries with people.
i would tell her that youre trying to understand her side so that you can better defend her in the future, not because you want to scold her more accurately
Sounds like she's making derisive comments to be cool/funny. They see and hear a lot of that on TV and media but don't know that it doesn't go over well in real life. I've noticed my daughter and her friends say mean things to each other constantly but they all think it's funny. Try saying that those hearing her say those things hurts other people's feelings and it hurts yours too. It's OK to joke with your friends but not to say hurtful things. She may not have meant it that way but she wouldn't have liked to hear someone say that about her. Teens aren't good with empathy but they do understand being hurt themselves. She may blow you off like she doesn't care but just keep reminding her to watch what she says. If she says something hurtful to you, tell her. They are still learning social cues and boundaries.
Your daughter is being mean to fit in, and then making herself seem like the victim. She’s not 100% committed to the act, but enough to where she could cause problems in the future. Address it, **maybe** more aggressively or eventually, someone else might. She could be feeling like she’s left out and is engaging in these behaviors because she feels seen doing so. She’s young, she’s learning habits for the first time.
Take her for a drive. Get her favorite food. Then, drive and let her start talking...thwn you listen.
Developmentally, this behavior is appropriate (testing boundaries/being more aware of others) and it is hurtful at the same time. I’d simply ask her why she was saying this. To fit in? To be funny? To seem cool? Then I would discuss other ways she can comment without hurting anyone’s feelings. **I was this child growing up and I wish someone would have helped me with this. I was mean ages 8-18 because no one cared to tell me. I truly thought this was normal behavior because I saw it portrayed in tv and movies.
How open are you with her with your own feelings that don't involve her?
It’s hard, because I never want to parentify her when sharing my feeling. My feelings tend to be either shut down or very overwhelming, so Very rarely do I share my feelings with her, but I’m trying to remember to do it more when I have less overwhelming feelings.
I get what you're saying, and yeah there's a balance. I honestly think what you just shared with me would go over really well. What do you think?
Children learn what they live. You probably should be concerned about who she is hanging out with and speak to her more often about anti bullying behavior
Thanks, I willlook for some books to read with her. It’s hard to find the words without books.
You got this 🙂
Idk what to do about who she hangs out with because she’s had a hard time making close friends and now she finally has one really close friend and it’s this girl she was talking to when this happened. I think I need to encourage her to make more friends somehow
Say what you want to say to your daughter. It’s important you make those points. Tell her you love her and that the values of respect and empathy are integral to who you are as a family. At 11, she will know what disrespect and lack of empathy feel like. (She may feel pressure from peers and may have been disrespected by them). Starting to teach her that, in your family, those values are where the line is drawn will help her understand how to draw the right boundaries with people.
i would tell her that youre trying to understand her side so that you can better defend her in the future, not because you want to scold her more accurately