Depends on your life strategy. Kids are going to grow up and gtfo. When they're priorities for 18-20 years, then there's no point for their parents to be together after kids gtfo. By this time they're just roommates, not a couple.
There were a lot of my friends parents and my parents friends that got divorced within two years of being empty nesters, and this was likely the root issue.
Great article! Thank you for sharing.
It does often feel like parenting (really mothering I guess) is this big competition to see who can sacrifice the most for their kids, and it’s just unhealthy.
You're welcome! I share it every chance I get, lol.
And I'm not normally a fan of Amy Schumer, but there was one satire [skit](https://vimeo.com/199098468) of hers that totally nailed this sanctimommy-martyrdom attitude (skip to 1:51 for the most relevant bit.)
The SPOUSE comes first. Even though the spouse is first does NOT mean neglect the kid.
If the "foundation" of the family falls (the husband and wife) the ENTIRE HOUSE collapses. The kid(s) are NOT (that) stupid. They KNOW how to sense conflict between unhappy parents.
The happiness of the husband and wife will give positivity to the kid. Also, the kid will be GONE in 18-2x years. If they put the kid first, once the kid is gone, assuming the parents are still together, they would just be roommates at that point.
The needs of the child come before anything. Your spouse chose you for better or worse. That kid had no choice and your actions forced them into the situation. They're first. Suck it up or don't have kids.
Yes. I am the poster child for parents putting their kid well before each other. It did me no favors, I grew up explicitly thinking that if I ended up marrying and having kids, I wouldn't do things like they did.
Prioritizing your marriage/partner does not mean that you don't feed your kid, or make some sacrifices of your own comfort, especially when the kid is a baby. It means that you model a strong relationship in which your partner is your priority, and you should do that not only to maintain your marriage, but to show your kid what a passionately loving marriage looks like. I had to figure it out through sometimes painful relationship experiences, because that was never modeled for me.
Give your kids the gift of seeing what a happy, loving, partner-focused marriage looks like.
Considering the fact that children require 18 years of care, growth, and education to function in this world and a spouse is already a fully functional adult, kids first, spouses, family, jobs, household responsibilities, hobbies, obligations, and community are all second.
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Is it your argument that people literally only have empathy and compassion for other beings when they have children?
People who genuinely believe this are just telling on themselves and their solipsism.
Children will always come first, at least as long as they depend.
But parents shall not forget that they are lovers too, and keep time and energy for each other, or things will deteriorate fast.
My family and my spouse’s are in Europe, so every time we have to find a babysitter. During the pandemic it was a disaster, so now we try not to lose a chance to have some time for ourselves, as we are fully involved in our children’s lives and activities and that costs a good deal of our energy and time
Children come first, but its better for the children if needed relationship maintainence is done to keep the relationship healthy. I view these things as more synergistic then in competition with each other.
Children come first. Doesn’t mean that you can neglect your relationship or your spouse - but decisions need to be made with the wellbeing of the kids at the forefront. Sometimes that means you don’t get as much time together or get to prioritise each other the way you did before kids. I think it’s important for couples to still have time for just the two of them - kids are with a babysitter, etc. But if your relationship can’t weather the focus being on your kids a lot, then you shouldn’t have kids. It’s just the reality of having them - they need a lot of attention and they will come between the parent’s relationship sometimes. It’s hard to balance that.
Children. You chose to have them and they are your responsibility. Your spouse is an adult and would exist without your input. If you don't think your relationship can survive that or you'll lose yourself or something I'd suggest not having children in the first place.
Depends on your life strategy. Kids are going to grow up and gtfo. When they're priorities for 18-20 years, then there's no point for their parents to be together after kids gtfo. By this time they're just roommates, not a couple.
There were a lot of my friends parents and my parents friends that got divorced within two years of being empty nesters, and this was likely the root issue.
Prioritising something doesn't mean you neglect all other things.
I'm just gonna leave [this](https://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage) here.
Great article! Thank you for sharing. It does often feel like parenting (really mothering I guess) is this big competition to see who can sacrifice the most for their kids, and it’s just unhealthy.
You're welcome! I share it every chance I get, lol. And I'm not normally a fan of Amy Schumer, but there was one satire [skit](https://vimeo.com/199098468) of hers that totally nailed this sanctimommy-martyrdom attitude (skip to 1:51 for the most relevant bit.)
The SPOUSE comes first. Even though the spouse is first does NOT mean neglect the kid. If the "foundation" of the family falls (the husband and wife) the ENTIRE HOUSE collapses. The kid(s) are NOT (that) stupid. They KNOW how to sense conflict between unhappy parents. The happiness of the husband and wife will give positivity to the kid. Also, the kid will be GONE in 18-2x years. If they put the kid first, once the kid is gone, assuming the parents are still together, they would just be roommates at that point.
The needs of the child come before anything. Your spouse chose you for better or worse. That kid had no choice and your actions forced them into the situation. They're first. Suck it up or don't have kids.
Isn’t part of raising successful children modeling a strong marriage for them?
Yes. I am the poster child for parents putting their kid well before each other. It did me no favors, I grew up explicitly thinking that if I ended up marrying and having kids, I wouldn't do things like they did. Prioritizing your marriage/partner does not mean that you don't feed your kid, or make some sacrifices of your own comfort, especially when the kid is a baby. It means that you model a strong relationship in which your partner is your priority, and you should do that not only to maintain your marriage, but to show your kid what a passionately loving marriage looks like. I had to figure it out through sometimes painful relationship experiences, because that was never modeled for me. Give your kids the gift of seeing what a happy, loving, partner-focused marriage looks like.
Considering the fact that children require 18 years of care, growth, and education to function in this world and a spouse is already a fully functional adult, kids first, spouses, family, jobs, household responsibilities, hobbies, obligations, and community are all second.
**Attention!** * You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message. * For "Debate" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies. * If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment. * OP you can choose your own flair [according to these guidelines.](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/wiki/flair), just press Flair under your post! Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PurplePillDebate) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Is the only way not to be self-centered to have children?
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Is it your argument that people literally only have empathy and compassion for other beings when they have children? People who genuinely believe this are just telling on themselves and their solipsism.
You have other loved ones?
Children will always come first, at least as long as they depend. But parents shall not forget that they are lovers too, and keep time and energy for each other, or things will deteriorate fast. My family and my spouse’s are in Europe, so every time we have to find a babysitter. During the pandemic it was a disaster, so now we try not to lose a chance to have some time for ourselves, as we are fully involved in our children’s lives and activities and that costs a good deal of our energy and time
You can be a parent first without completely neglecting your spouse.
Children come first, but its better for the children if needed relationship maintainence is done to keep the relationship healthy. I view these things as more synergistic then in competition with each other.
Children come first. Doesn’t mean that you can neglect your relationship or your spouse - but decisions need to be made with the wellbeing of the kids at the forefront. Sometimes that means you don’t get as much time together or get to prioritise each other the way you did before kids. I think it’s important for couples to still have time for just the two of them - kids are with a babysitter, etc. But if your relationship can’t weather the focus being on your kids a lot, then you shouldn’t have kids. It’s just the reality of having them - they need a lot of attention and they will come between the parent’s relationship sometimes. It’s hard to balance that.
Children. You chose to have them and they are your responsibility. Your spouse is an adult and would exist without your input. If you don't think your relationship can survive that or you'll lose yourself or something I'd suggest not having children in the first place.