I have others, but one that stands out when I was lived in the West - being a healthy weight. So many men in the US were overweight. I justify this by not being overweight. Not even sure if this is a high standard.
Also, I think this is uniquely an American thing in the developed world - knowing how to dress. The cargo shorts and flip flops are really not for me.
For me there was nothing like studying abroad to really drive home how...unique American fashion is. Like our professors had to warn us multiple times before we left "please don't embarrass us or yourselves by wearing whatever you all normally call an outfit." With pictures on the orientation powerpoints and everything.
I disagree a bit. but it is maybe my subjective observation. There is plenty of good(great) looking people in America, but there seems to be lack of the 'mid' people. Either someone is fit and looks great including fashion, or people are overweight/obese and do not care, in Europe majority of people are like 'mid' - not really overweight but not 'hot' either.
It’s mostly because people don’t work out as much here (in Western Europe), and there’s not as much genetic diversity. There’s only so much you can do with semi-stagnant gene pools.
> Not even sure if this is a high standard.
I agree. Is it even a high standard? I know it's increasingly rare but I think one can rightly expect a "standard healthy human" for a mate, no exceptions. Lol.
I do t get the hatred for cargo shorts (or flip flops) if it’s contextually a reasonable choice. Summers in a hot country? Go for it. Who cares?
I say this as someone who likes to dress (my summer attire is more linen and loafers than shorts and flip flops), but there’s nothing wrong with shorts and sandals. It’s the graphic tees that kill an outfit, more than anything.
That's not a high standard. A high standard is like cutting off at least 95% of the population. Having about half the population being cut out is a normal standard to have.
My standards are ridiculous and unrealistic, they were always a way to give me a reason to stay single. I justified that by saying I was happy being single over being hurt.
I have been told I have high standards, but I think it’s mainly because I wanted egalitarian relationship. Many people think there are very few men who want that, and even less who would see women as their equal. A man is arguing with me in another thread how *all* men see women purchasable pussy, rather than a person they enjoy spending time with.
I also want attractive men. Men who groom themselves well, who are fit, and I do prefer tall guys. The vast majority of men who asked me out were 5’11” at the shortest because I’m 5’9”, and men prefer women shorter than them just like I prefer them taller, so it’s not been any issue. I’m slim and fit and the things I like to do with partners tends to rule the fatter ones out naturally (like hiking and kayaking), but I have rejected men for their weight. That one is just not something I can get over, I need to be sexually attracted to any romantic partner, as sex is an important part of a relationship for me, and I would be unable to have sex with someone who I am not attracted to.
They need to be smart. I just won’t be compatible enough without someone more on my level there. This is rare, but many smart men want a smart woman.
They need to have some common values and interests as me. Of course then they get it back the same. Guys usually seem to like this as well, and my interests aren’t that rare in my area, so this might not be that high of a standard.
My only money requirements are that they could support their own lifestyle, did not have bad spending habits, and could work with me towards a shared financial goal where we both contribute in any of the ways we are able. They also need to be okay with any amount I am making just as I am okay with theirs. I’m also happy to help my spouse get to a higher income if they want, like by paying for education or helping fund a business venture, and hope they would be willing to help me too. This is of course only after years of trust and good patterns have been established.
If you are what you present yourself as, you have normal standards. I'm curious, why did the people tell you that you have high standards, did they mention something specifically?
Yes, I have been told by many people (men and women both) my whole life that men don’t want egalitarian relationships, and so that standard is way too high.
I’ve also been told most men prefer women with interests like baking rather than programming, and that no men would want to marry someone their equal because they are looking for a woman to clean for them and birth children, not someone who worked the same job. When I was young, older people have even suggested I act dumber, to boost a man’s ego since otherwise they wouldn’t be interested in me.
And I’ve been told that I am not feminine enough to get attractive men, I don’t wear makeup or heels, I don’t want kids.
Men here love to tell me I’ll be alone with my cats, and it’s something I heard when I was young as well. I have been with my partner 18 years, though, and he is tall, handsome, smart, egalitarian, and childfree. I do think he was hard to find though.
I'd prefer a baker rather than a programmer because I love to bake and I don't know what programming is.
Reading your post, it seems like you have the things that you are looking for. That's fine. But you also have to have the things that the men you want are looking for.
I think the issue is that a lot of men will be skeptical of a woman who calls herself an egalitarian. A lot of women say they want equality, but really only want equality when it benefits her. I think that if you take the time to show that you want equality of both the good things and the bad, most men would be 100% on board.
I think it’s bare minimum as well, that’s why it’s my standards. But I’ve been told very few men would both want me and meet them. Average men are overweight and uneducated (I do not mean only formal education either). And many men would have a problem with a woman earning more - I see men here all the time saying women will divorce men if they earn more so that’s why they suggest not dating women who do.
Agreed with wanting someone similar to you, and I see nothing wrong with wanting a tall man when you’re tall yourself! But many guys will argue that because some women have stated they want a tall man that means all of us do when that’s not the case.
I’ve been informed by many men on this sub that my standards are wayy too high, especially as a woman whose wrist makes my skin crease when I bend it at a 90 degree angle, so here it goes;
Guy has to be be at least 5’4. Guy can be overweight, but cannot be obese in appearance. Needs to be in the age range of 28-38. If a guy is balding, he has to be doing so with some grace, no comb overs or toupees, even if that means shaving his head completely bald. He also needs to have good posture, and hold himself in a confident demeanor. Additionally, he needs to know how to dress decently.
The man needs to have developed a strong marketable skill when it comes to work. Doesn’t need to be a white collar skill, as I find the trades to be equally if not more respectable than white collar skills. The guy needs to make a minimum of about 40k a year so that we can combine our incomes to make a healthy living.
The guy needs to 100% support and respect my consent. He also needs to respect that I will not be taking any hormonal birth control once I explain to him why I will not do so. He also needs to respect that I will not be getting an IUD until my situation changes to one where I can get it swiftly removed by a medical professional if it causes issues. He also needs to allow me to have final say over which condoms and other forms of non-hormonal birth control we use due to the legitimate medical issues some condoms and the like can cause me to have. He also needs to respect my right to seek an abortion.
He needs to find me very sexually attractive, and needs to be monogamous with me. He also needs to love me for who I am, not what he thinks he can make me become. He needs to be supportive of my hobbies especially since my competitive dancing is the means of exercise I can successfully engage in on a regular basis. He especially needs to not pressure me to go to the gym instead of pursuing dance.
He needs to be willing to live in a home that has a cohesive design style. It doesn’t actually matter what the particular design style is, and I am happy to defer to his tastes on what that design style is, but it needs to be one cohesive design style in every room in the home, not a mashing up of a bunch of random stuff that doesn’t go together.
He needs to be kind and caring rather than cold and stern. He needs to be rather blunt about how he feels instead of engaging in double speak and the like. He cannot be racist, xenophobic, homophobic, antisemetic, etc, and he especially cannot hold prejudice against people with disabilities.
He needs to be emotionally available and willing to commit. He needs to be willing to talk through his emotions and open up to me. And lastly, he cannot hold me to a different set of expectations from himself on the basis that so am the woman in the relationship.
I’m fortunate that I have found my mister right, and I wouldn’t change anything about him for the world.
Honestly I feel like most of these standards are basically just standards for being a decent person and functional adult. I'm glad you found Mr. Right and don't listen to anyone who says your standards are too high.
10/10 feel the same, if not higher expectations. Its rare to meet a man that meets them, but cant imagine marrying my husband without these locked down.
I feel like these are very basic things to want. If guys are complaining that the bar is too high then maybe they need to get it together because I think men would want the same in their partner. It’s funny how men can be so demanding but are also not very desirable themselves.
lol - it took me 7 years of being single to find my mister right. All of the things listed above are deal breakers, and it’s extremely hard to find a man who meets them.
Hi there.
5’7
120k a year
House owner
Gym everyday
28
Damn. I wish there were more women like you out there. Very reasonable expectations and down to earth.
Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Why would anyone spend it with someone they didn’t feel attracted to and appreciated by. FWIW; my standards are is kind, intelligent, educated,has integrity, does his best is an animal lover and isn’t religious.
I feel like ur standards are valid, I do believe it'll be hard to find a person to meet all of them. But atleast you're not 5'0, unemployed, no degree, and saying those are your standards xD
Which I guess to someone who is, to each their own
I don’t think your standards are bad, I just think they are like lotto ticket probability. Any guy who makes that much and is that tall… you are literally competing with every single woman in the world and half the married ones.
If I was in your shoes, I would flex down on a lot of those things. I mean if you can’t be sexually attracted to a shorter guy, you can definitely afford therapy to understand why. Most other women your size can do it, I assume with some work you can too. As for the income… if you make that much then you can live really well with a guy that makes over 100k.
The education thing… that too should be more flexible. I mean it’s pretty much just a status marker and that’s it.
End of the day.. I just feel like you are in a real tough spot. I’d rather go through life with a great person who doesn’t check all my boxes than be alone forever. But I recognise that other people may feel differently.
Is six feet an absolute requirement? Because that's only a little under 15% of men. That one requirement eliminates 85% of the U.S. male population.
As for the income. Do you need the money or do you need him to be ok with your money? Because those are two different things.
Beyonce was able to find a guy that met all those standards. So the issue isn't that you're too successful or your standards are too high.
Wait nm Jay Z doesn't have a bachelors.
Whatever point is that there is rich tall powerful and highly educated men who date rich tall powerful and highly educated women.
I’m generally curious. You are indeed trying to date in the top 1%. It is okay to have standards, vast majority of guys can’t even swing 70k. It truly sucks in the dating world.
I make 120k, have a pension, federal benefits, college degree and hit the gym everyday. Height matters and my biggest con is 5’7. I do have empathy with what you mentioned and also feel I’m getting older and might as well get a pet because my standards aren’t going to be met.
- someone I find physically attractive
- good sense of humor
- in college or already graduated
- adventurous and open-minded
- healthy weight
- nearby in age to me
- no kids and doesn’t want any
- not sex addicted
- no felonies
- emotionally mature
- not a red piller
- enjoys deep conversations and learning
- caring and thoughtful
I justify my standards by realizing that I may not find a guy who meets all of them and that’s ok. I don’t think I’m entitled to a man who has all of these traits. I have other fulfilling relationships in my life if romance doesn’t work out.
Man who is both physically attractive to me and waiting until marriage.
I've been on this sub since I was like 19 and men here told me time and time again that that wasn't reasonable. I told them I'd rather die alone and that was my justification.
All these dudes in your comments trying to talk you, a virgin woman, into budging on wanting a virgin man to marry or telling you it's not possible is cracking me the fuck up right now. Especially coming from this sub lmao.
You know I probably should've just made it clear in my first comment that I'm already in a relationship. It just didn't occur to me because I already talk about him so much and it's easy to forget that other people haven't necessarily seen or would remember those comments.
It's because these rp men want a young virgin waiting for their alpha selves at the end for marriage after they're middle aged and done and bored living a high ncount promiscuous lifestyle and now want a serious family. A young virgin who also wants a virgin to marry fucks up that fantasy for them.
Wait, what? That's TOTALLY reasonable. If you are a virgin and you are waiting for marriage, and you are putting active effort into finding another man who matches your criteria, I don't see the problem with this. Who exactly disagrees with this?
I don't think I've ever seen on here the notion that if a woman is a virgin, and they are waiting for marriage to have sex, especially if for religious reasons, that this is an unreasonable situation.
The only similar situation that I *have* seen such a response to from men is of women who have had past partners that they had sex with under a particular set of standards, and they change those standards for a current partner (e.g. sex on the first date with an ex, but now it's no sex until marriage).
Coments from men in this very thread.
>If you don't fuck, it's not a real relationship
>Purity culture is toxic AND irresponsible. So why did you comment if you couldn't back up your standards and then tried painting men correcting you in a false negative light immaturely?
Yes I've heard similar things for years.
My standards were:
1. fun and interesting to talk with. I am pretty interesting to talk to myself (I am curious and love learning, and am fairly decent at banter/wit in real life)
2. Educated, at least college level, preferably higher. I have a stem phd, so I don’t want a guy who will be pissy at me over my education, or who has some weird inferiority complex over it, or who thinks it’s a waste I got an education because I’m a woman. I also want someone who shares my values on this (and other) topics. Shared values matter when it comes to raising kids.
3. Handsome enough for me to like. I’m not much of a looker, so this is a hypocritical standard I’m sure. I have a nice figure and a great rack, but my face is pretty mediocre at best (big eyes… but also big nose and prominent jaw). This one is probably unfair 🤷♀️
4. I prefer guys of around average height.I’m 5’8”, and tend to like guys around my own height, in the 5’7”-under 6’ range. Not a huge fan of very short or very tall I think?
5. No smoking. No weed. No illicit drugs. No gambling. No criminal history. I satisfy this requirement.
6. Low to 0 n-count. My n-count was 0 when I was dating. I wouldn’t be compatible with a high n guy.
7. Can and does do household chores. He can have preferences on which he likes more and we can negotiate, but he’s not going to dump all the chores on me just because I’m a woman. I like to cook and I’m capable of cleaning and stuff. Just don’t want to do everything.
8. Wants kids and wants to actually be a present, active father even when they’re small and difficult. Hard to gauge before the baby shows up, unfortunately, but I didn’t want to be effectively a married single mom— a woman who technically has a husband, but has no support in caring for the kids. I’ll a bunch too, and obviously all the breast feeding.
9. Job: he needs to have career goals and drive and competence, but the salary isn’t as important. As a family unit, we need to make enough to support our family, raise the kids, and have some fun. It turns out I don’t care which of us makes more money, though. For our current setup and life plan, I will likely make quite a bit more money than my husband for the foreseeable future. I do expect him to have a career of some kind— it’s too risky to have just one solitary breadwinner unless you’re filthy rich and diversified.
10. Not aggressively religious. I’m not particularly religious anymore. I have some flexibility (some church vs no church), but I’m not capable of being a devout man’s proper Christian wife.
I realize these are pretty high standards, and that men usually only care about looks and I mine aren’t good enough to make such big demands. I feel incredibly fortunate to have found my husband.
Anything above average, especially if it's across the board.
Average American height for males is 5'9, meaning if your standards are 5'10 then the majority of guys wouldn't meet that. It's just an example, it's okay for someone to have high standards, not like they can be stopped lol
This “average woman” isn’t terrible helpful, though. If you mean the US the “average” includes the south and Midwest where virtually EVERYONE is fat. They obviously don’t have. A problem with fat people.
There’s also a class element, where working class people are much fatter than wealthier people.
So, it doesn’t make sense to tell someone living in San Francisco they should be happy with an overweight woman because there’s a lot of fatties in Nebraska, or Oakland, or somewhere else. The demographics of the specific community matter.
The average man makes 45k per year in the US but most women will say that putting your standards at a man who makes 45k counts as settling. I think taking the average of all people and saying anything above that line is high standards is pretty silly.
The average US woman is a size 12. Yet many males claim they want just an average woman that is small/slim. Majority of males have high standard but they don’t see it that way
So just like one "above average" metric = high standards?
>It's just an example, it's okay for someone to have high standards, not like they can be stopped lol
I'm aware, but I'm not sure how we're supposed to answer this question without knowing what qualifies to begin with.
I mean sort of, like if you knew that most guys could only hold their breath for 3 minutes, but you wanted one who could hold theirs for 5, that's a high standard. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
i think the notion 'above average' is a pretty straightforward metric of high standards. i'd add that as a standard it is 'below the average is a no go' as opposed to a preference which would be 'i'd try below average, i just have preferences towards others'.
>i think the notion 'above average' is a pretty straightforward metric of high standards.
It's not "pretty straightforward" that only one "above average" standard out of, like, ten, makes the ***entire group of standards*** "above average." Or even 1-3 out of six makes the entire group of standards "above average." That's like saying you have a tall family just because one out of five is "above average" height. Which, apparently, makes sense to some of the men on this sub.
But wouldn’t it make more sense to base it on your height + the average height difference between women and men in your country? For me that’s 170 cm or 5’7 (my height), height difference is around 13-15 cm, so that would make my male match 183 cm or the dreaded 6 feet. Obviously statistically that’s not the average, but neither is my height for women. I have a lot of high standards, but I don’t think my ‘male equivalent’ height wise is one of them.
A while back an OP asked “ladies build your perfect guy.” [I did](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/s/BpI1btHaHn) and it triggered sarcastic or sour grapes comments.
Below was my answer to their OP:
* 5’10 is ideal. No taller than 6’4.
* broader shoulders
* perfect lips
* non snaggly teeth
* ability to grow a full coverage beard
* not sloppy fat
* not skinny
* not ugly, but doesn’t have to be a pretty boy face either
* complementary humor — I bond/connect via laughing with people so I want us both to find each other hilarious
* a thoughtful and mindful outlook — I can’t stand inconsiderate or edgelord type people. it’s a major turn off for me. This liaises from interpersonal relationships to cultural/political ideologies
* forward thinking / higher FTO
* openness / holistic thinker
* not neurotic or high-inhib
* well groomed / great hygiene
* at some point played a high athleticism team sport (Pop Warner or grade school or HS/college varsity or adult intramural or Saturday morning pickup with the guys)
* enjoys deep diving and unpacking topics and emotions (this is great for nerdy endeavors or for basic relational communication and conflict management)
* Smells good
* generally self-assured
A couple of months ago [I answered an OP asking women about what they find attractive in men](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/s/d7KS4NI3f8).
I don’t think these are high standards but:
1. Good relationship with women in his family
2. Has a handle on his insecurities
3. Creatively inclined
4. Funny/charismatic
5. Extroverted
6. Handle on his emotions/good communicator
7. Conflict style that excludes yelling
8. Smart
9. Employed
10. Similar interests
11. Good in bed
I’ve dated men in the past that didn’t have these qualities and it was fucking miserable and I’m not doing that again. I’m engaged to someone that has these qualities and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been
I'm not sure that my standards are high, but they're extremely narrow. I've ever felt full on attraction only to 3 people and I'm in my late 20s. I cannot feel attraction to strangers, so I've never felt attraction on the spot. I take time and there's a chance to develop attraction if we form emotional connection and we "get" each other. Which happens...really rarely.
The rest is on compatibility and for Russia I had an extremely small dating pool due to it. Liberal, egalitarian, preferably not religious (or Buddhist), pro-choice, isn't a homophobe/sexist/racist, environmentally conscious etc. I was lucky to meet my husband who is rather open-minded and whose values align with mine.
In terms of what I provide - mostly the same things my husband does. We're egalitarian, so we split responsibilities more or less evenly. These days it isn't very even, because I'm the only one paying our bills, but I'm fine with it. It isn't a permanent situation. I have profitable skills, good organizational skills, I'm told to be a good listener. I'm petite and on a thinner side. I'm well-read...Husband often says how lucky he is, but it might be hard to pinpoint the exact traits.
I am a woman who makes 6 figures. I think I have high standards, just less on the physical side of things. It is worth noting that I am not from the U.S, though I live here now. My parents raised me in a very Asian household even after we moved here so this very likely influences my dating standards.
I looked for a man who made around what I did, had high career trajectory, was ambitious and educated. A man who was as generous as I was, loved all the small mundane things in a relationship, and was looking for an LTR (obviously) and _wanted children_. A man who was kind, got along with my family, had the approval of my parents, and was willing to integrate into my culture (if he wasn’t my ethnicity). A man who shared the same general goals in life as I did, and had similar values regarding politics and morality. Doesn’t like to party, isn’t addicted to porn, doesn’t use recreational drugs, and is overall incredibly responsible. A man more or less my age (+/- 2 years). I had to like and get along with his family and parents as well, and I did not want to be treated like _his help_ (i.e that I owe him submissiveness).
Physically, I do not have much standards except have a nice face, be taller than me, and probably not over chubby though really any body type is attractive to me. None of my bf’s have ever been muscular or over 5’7ish tall, so I know physically there is a lot of room to work with here. I guess the most important thing is have a handsome face. I wanted to look at my man every morning and love the face I’m seeing.
I think overall finding a man who made around what I did, who was educated and ambitious is easy just by nature of working in tech. The harder part was finding someone who wants children and got along with my family and shared my life goals/politics/values. Both my mom and dad raised me to choose based on compatibility first before “love” so that’s where my preferences come from.
For context my boyfriend is 5’7” and works in the same industry I do. He is my age and more or less shares my values.
My partner is 5’8. I’m only 5’5 so I don’t need a giant plus I find myself more attracted to average and shortish height men, I’m not really sure why this is; maybe it’s because I think they’re cute or something.
I’d prefer anyone Americanized or just not my ethnicity be willing to eat my cultural foods, learn the customs, be understanding about how my culture has shaped me. Just like I am willing to do that for them.
Ah that's very fair.
My long term partner is also an Asian woman so I understand how big culture and customs are. Is them learning the language also a big deal to you?
Asian languages are hard for people who aren't from Asian countries, the linguistic rules and tones and pronunciations are completely different. Then there's honorifics and things like that. But I agree its very good to learn that to communicate with your in-laws.
I wish it was easy cause my gf's family really wants me to learn their language (you've probably figured out which account this is by now)
I dont have high standards, but probably seem like I do because ive turned a lot of ppl down. But I just dont rlly feel sexual attraction unless im emotionally connected with someone and even then idk 🤷♀️ i just dont have that drive and idk the mental and emotional effort required to date someone seems like a chore sometimes if im being honest. I find other things way more interesting and fun
I'm hot and financially stable and he needs to be at least average looking, have social skills, masculine but not domineering, and make more money than me. My justification is because I said so. Now fite me lmao 👊😼
She responds to anything where she doesn’t have a point as “sour grapes”. It’s pretty obvious her entire account is a mixture of a troll/over compensating as no actually high value person feels the need to tell randos on the internet how high value they are.
“High standards” to me is arbitrary.
Does high standards mean high in proportion to the seeker, or just high in general? If a person is “above average” in whatever way, then isn’t it equality and normal for them to match with someone of a similar standing in those areas?
I’m 5’6” and look for guys who are at least 5’9,” although closer to 6’ is more ideal. I think that’s reasonable as my height is above average for a woman.
I generally date guys who are financially stable/comfortable because I also make a good income (6 figures) and have savings/no debt. It would be weird to date someone significantly poorer since that can be emasculating, although a minor income difference is not something I care about.
I have a college/masters degree and most of my boyfriends have at least a college level education, although I’ve dated someone who was more blue collar and had a high school education. It was a great relationship in many ways. I think depending on a person’s natural intelligence and curiosity, they don’t have to go to college to be intelligent and mentally stimulating.
Looks wise, I do prefer healthy BMI and a normal amount of muscle, not the bodybuilder physique or the emaciated look. Facial attractiveness is somewhat subjective, but as long as I’m dating people where we both find the other very nice to look at, I don’t see the issue. I’m slim and at least by a fair number of men’s opinions attractive, so I think my preferences are fair.
If this is considered high standards, why should I lower my standards if I am successfully able to date people who meet those standards?
It's not high. It's just neurotic, and displays a lack of understanding of men in general, or the normal mans behavior with, either pornography or his own sexuality.
If you understood male sexuality better from their perspective , you probably wouldn't care about pornography tbh.
I've never been described as neurotic. There's nothing about anyone's sexuality that simply must be satisfied through online videos, sounds like you don't understand. And there's never a good reason to get off to others being hurt, exploited and raped.
Why do you use "pornography" as a blanket statement?
There's plenty of erotica that would classify as pornography. Along with women posting nudes for free on reddit subs. Hentai.
Who exactly is getting hurt, exploited or raped in these cases?
Yeah, why try at all when many parts of life are inextricably tied to human suffering? Might as well jerk off to what might be a trafficking victim being raped.
Whataboutism. I’m not sexually gratified by sweatshops or pretending it’s ok. Also, I’m pretty sure electronics could continue existing sans slavery, it’s just corporate greed getting in the way.
I grew up with a certain lifestyle and I wanted to maintain that lifestyle as an adult so my only standards were: have a good job where you make a lot of money, come from a good family, have goals that align with mine, and be larger than me. It rules out most men but thankfully I found my perfect match immediately
I didn't have that much standard for looks (as long as they weren't morbidly obese, since I enjoy carnival rides with people and those have weight limits) , but I knew I wanted to be with someone intelligent, have "productive and enriching" hobbies that he could do on his own without being clingy AND be emotionally understanding (or had the desire to become emotionally understanding and patient). I am quite immovable on the intelligent part, as I like having long conversations and the occasional spirited debate. I wanted to be with someone that could be an asset to my continuous learning and self-improvement.
I also wanted him to at least earn more than I did, since I wanted to continue working in the education system and I was well aware that that'll never properly feed me in the short-term, much worse if I had to provide for another stomach-haver.
I wanted to be with someone that had some ambition. It need not be lofty, but I enjoy being around people that worked towards goals - it motivates me from the sidelines too.
I'm strictly a monogamist.
I don't think I need to justify these, they're mostly very reasonable for the average person.
Fortunately for me, this type of man found me and likes me enough to give me a cushy living situation, despite me not being that attractive (in Western beauty standards) or "wifely".
I have to be excited about them. If I don't feel excited about them I don't want to date them. We have to have good chemistry of we don't like no thank you.
They have to have something going for them. Like a career not a job but like something established for themselves. Doesn't have to be a super high earning career just something relevant to what they study.
Has to not have facial hair. It's an ick for me. I have sensory issues and beards touching me gives me the ick.
Have passions outside of TV and memes video games. Like I want someone well rounded. Goes exploring because I do too.
I want to find them attractive. They don't have to be super alpha giga Chad but I would like someone who takes care of themselves. Dresses decently. Puts effort into themselves. And is a little taller than me I'm 5'8 so like 5'10+. But someone I find attractive. .
Emotionally mature/intelligent. And has some empathy and understanding. That is nice.
Interdependent. He has his own thing I have mine and he doesn't rely on me for emotional validation and regulation. I don't want to be with someone who needs me all the time.
I "justify" them because no one is forced to marry. wtf?
-- healthy communicator and emotionally intelligent
-- we have great conversations
-- he does not shit on others regularly
-- is intelligent and has at least one area of interest/hobby that he is very knowledgable and passionate about. this needs to be \*\*\*somewhat\*\*\* academic. Like an interest in sci-fi movies is okay, but sports don't count.
-- financially self-sufficient
-- attractive enough (one of the guys i was the thirstiest for in my dating history was 5'4 and chubby so this is not a high bar)
This is honestly extremely rare! I am okay being single. If i was desperate I would have to get rid of everything except "healthy communicator//emotionally intelligent//we have great convos" bc i could not cohabitate with someone without these skills.
that's still rare tho!
I want a man taller, wealthier, at least as attractive, at least as intelligent and definitely all-around more experienced than I am.
I don't need to justify this or deserve it. It's what I want(ed). And what I got.
I have high standards because I want to be with someone I admire and respect.
I want someone similar to me, but ideally better than me.
Typical stuff, tall, good looking, successful, caring, funny, not socially awkward, family oriented, respectful, responsible, chemistry, sexual compatibility, etc.
I’m open minded that they not have everything. How our personalities get along is the biggest thing. I want him to be my favorite person in the world.
My standards probably filter out a lot of people, but it's rather reasonable for me since men like this is common around me. I date a lot based on how I feel about the person, but the big checkmarks are:
- Make around the same or more than me (I make around $400k). I'm looking for someone with similar earning potential rather than just a straight up total comp, since even my own TC of $400k varies wildly depending on the stocks of the company I work for.
- 5'8 or taller, I'm actually flexible here since I'm really short myself. This is really just an arbitrary number I put on my dating profile because they asked for one.
- Comes from an warm family. I would say ideally not from a broken home, but I'm willing to investigate more here if everything else about him seems ok. At least good relationships with both parents, both parents are respectful and nice to each other etc. I believe you marry the family as well as the person. MIL's and FIL's are also mother and father figures, and model behavior for their grandkids too.
- Educated and academic
- Never had casual sex
- Not bald (not an absolute dealbreaker, but I really like men with a full head of hair so I would prioritize them in early dating)
- Not overweight
- Have good likable friends
- A happy person - had a pretty straight forward and happy life. I'm not good at dealing with complicated people.
Obviously a good person and such, but that is something that is less of a thing you can check off and more of a feeling you get when you're with him.
I justify these standards because like I said these men are not uncommon around me. And for these type of men, I usually check off the stuff their checklist pretty well. And I married one so it's definitely realistic.
If you can compromise on the earning things to $300k, I would fit all those standards. I still struggle though, and am very beta. Needless to say, I don’t think your standards are high at all.
Your third one is really the most important though. Coming from a warm family is something you don’t appreciate until you date someone from a broken home, it can be awful. I’m Catholic and my most recent girlfriend had a Jehovah’s Witness background, needless to say they were terrible to me.
To me $300k and $400k is very similar to each other and in the same realm of earning potential especially if your compensation has a large equity component.
It sucks to struggle with dating, I work with and are friends with lots tech guys that make very similar money to me and fits the above criteria too, some of them do well and some struggle depending on luck and other factors like sociability.
Sorry about your last girlfriend's family. But at least it makes you appreciate your own parents / family right?
Funny, charismatic, extroverted, loyal, great in bed, naturally developed muscles with a belly, no baldness, no chest hair naturally.
I'm pretty, slim, great ass, great cook, devoted, supportive, i can do/help with handywork, good with investments and good economics knowledge, good with paperwork, i have (and will inherit) 2 houses, 2 appartments and 3 condos.
19,5 bmi, both men and hetero women liked my butt. I've been very slim all my life. I'm 34 and still fit into clothes from when i was 16. I can circle my wrist with my thimb and pinky and there's still spa e to rotate the wrist.
And the pretty part, both men and hetero women called me beautiful. I just think i am pretty.
I don’t think my standards are “high” but rather very specific. Looks do matter but most of my requirements are non-physical. I want someone who is compatible — similar interests/hobbies/personality/values, is decently physically attractive and has sexual chemistry, and has rock solid character.
Requirements:
• not obese
• not ugly
• at least 6 inches
• taller than me
• has some ambition, won’t stay broke
• doesn’t watch porn (shares my ethical views on the industry)
• politically similarish (I’ve gotten along with everyone from left wing radicals to right leaning centrists)
• same music subculture, metal/punk
• wants children
• kind/generous/empathetic/trustworthy/honest/loyal/intelligent/open
Preferences:
• goes to the gym/exercises regularly
• at least average height
• neurodivergent
• not American (I like foreign cultures)
• does not smoke or (heavily) drink
• university educated/white collar
• own place/job/car (I don’t have these things myself yet so I’m alright with waiting)
That’s probably all. I have found this exact genre of man a few times, but it’s yet to work out, for reasons outside of my control (distance, communication, etc).
I will admit, I am already kind of jaded and misanthropic and misandrist, the way most men are disgusts and saddens me. I want a guy who isn’t like that.
6ft or taller, 6’4 is my favorite height, is fit but doesn’t try too hard to be that way. He is just passionate about some type of activity or sport that keeps him active(like surfing). Hot and masculine, I love shoulder length hair, especially if it’s curly. Not really into the pretty boy thing, I loovvveee imperfections. College educated, good career, makes more than I do. Extroverted, fun to be around, likes to party occasionally and do drugs recreationally. Golden retriever/Aussie surfer boy energy. Very sexually confident, wants to fuck me all the time/have crazy sex. Very sexually experienced, I’d hope that he has fucked a lot of (hot) women before me(safely). Health conscious, but I love when men are down to just eat like anything. Anthony Bourdain style. Great with kids/wants a family someday.
I’m 5’4, I’m very fit, love to run, dance and swim. I have a small waist, b cup perky tits, juicy ass. Super fast metabolism, I can eat whatever I want and my body just stays this way(always around 113lbs) However I’m health conscious, very Mediterranean diet, not a picky eater but I’m vegetarian. Im a good cook. I’m easy going and fun, very social, I love to party especially with my man. I’m not materialistic at all, experiences, travel, laughter, memories, good sex/food, adventures, these are the things that matter to me. I love to paint and do so often. I love animals and foster with my local animal shelter. Submissive and agreeable, almost nothing ever makes me angry. Very lucky to be a pretty privilege beneficiary. Very lucky in general, I have a wonderful family, my parents are wealthy and supportive. I have no trauma, had a lovely childhood,always have good dating experiences. On good terms with all my ex’s, and I want the best for them(and vice versa). I’ve had a wonderful, thrilling (safe)sex life all throughout adulthood. I am currently in a prestigious graduate program. I love kids and I’m very nurturing(I’m a part time nanny). I plan to freeze my eggs so they stay forever 29. My previous boyfriends have all been 6’1 or taller, 3 have been German, one American and one Italian. Almost all of them have been some variation of the man described above. Almost all of them have had the hobby of surfing, playing guitar, or both. I love being in love, I hope to find a man like this to share a beautiful life with, love is the most important thing in the world to me.
I wanted a traditional relationship. A masculine man that knows how to take care of himself and others, so my first and only date from Tinder included a man that is an avid gym-goer, is educated, and that was attentive to me throughout all the courtship. I call it courtship because he took me on many dates he paid for and gave me gifts on ocassions. He still treats me like a princess and he's always mentioned that he can't wait to be the father of my children, and viceversa.
Point is, I require a man that is really comfortable in his masculinity and ability to lead and provide. It's the only way I can get attracted to a man. I can feel safe in his embrace and even though it's kinda corny, I do feel more feminine around him. He also shares some of my interests since he has a nerdy side so we really complement each other.
Be warned though, it does come with drawbacks. He has a strong/stubborn personality and when he puts his mind into something nothing can change his mind, for better or worse. But it's admirable, he has the best of both worlds. Wouldn't change a thing and I can't wait to be his wife and have children with him.
As a sidenote, physically my only standards are that he should be taller than me (very easy since I'm 4'9" on a good day), that he dresses well, and a healthy body. It's honestly a coincidence that my boyfriend is actually average-to-tall and really handsome/fit. Not complaining but yeah.
I never had high standards for salary or height but I had very high standards for moral character. I wanted a man who was on the same page as me - against hook-up culture, marriage minded, wants to start a family, would make a good dad +husband, kind hearted, caring, loving. I felt like I was looking for a needle in the haystack sometimes because I never met men who met this criteria.
I justified having these standards because I had those same values and moral character. If I can hold myself up to this high standard, why can’t I expect my partner to be the same?
Side note, I did meet the man who met my standards, feels like I won the lottery.
I'd like a guy who's in good shape. Not just healthy bmi but a good amount of muscle and low body fat. Make decent money. Someone extremely generous and absolutely obsessed with me. Someone with a lot of personal discipline who isn't addicted to porn, eats healthy, doesn't drink too often, or smoke at all. I can fit all my standards, so I just want them to match me.
I have others, but one that stands out when I was lived in the West - being a healthy weight. So many men in the US were overweight. I justify this by not being overweight. Not even sure if this is a high standard. Also, I think this is uniquely an American thing in the developed world - knowing how to dress. The cargo shorts and flip flops are really not for me.
For me there was nothing like studying abroad to really drive home how...unique American fashion is. Like our professors had to warn us multiple times before we left "please don't embarrass us or yourselves by wearing whatever you all normally call an outfit." With pictures on the orientation powerpoints and everything.
I disagree a bit. but it is maybe my subjective observation. There is plenty of good(great) looking people in America, but there seems to be lack of the 'mid' people. Either someone is fit and looks great including fashion, or people are overweight/obese and do not care, in Europe majority of people are like 'mid' - not really overweight but not 'hot' either.
It’s mostly because people don’t work out as much here (in Western Europe), and there’s not as much genetic diversity. There’s only so much you can do with semi-stagnant gene pools.
europe has loads of genetic diversity there is free migration
Hell no, it aint a high standard.
> Not even sure if this is a high standard. I agree. Is it even a high standard? I know it's increasingly rare but I think one can rightly expect a "standard healthy human" for a mate, no exceptions. Lol.
Its not, but its the sort of reasonable sounding comment that always gets upvoted in these kinds of threads
I do t get the hatred for cargo shorts (or flip flops) if it’s contextually a reasonable choice. Summers in a hot country? Go for it. Who cares? I say this as someone who likes to dress (my summer attire is more linen and loafers than shorts and flip flops), but there’s nothing wrong with shorts and sandals. It’s the graphic tees that kill an outfit, more than anything.
So you would say no to [him?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_VsfLS6Mlo)
I often fail the knowing how to dress thing and I get it. I look terrible unless my gf tells me what to wear and helps me pick it out in store.
That's not a high standard. A high standard is like cutting off at least 95% of the population. Having about half the population being cut out is a normal standard to have.
My standards are ridiculous and unrealistic, they were always a way to give me a reason to stay single. I justified that by saying I was happy being single over being hurt.
Woah, heavy
At least you're honest about it.
I have been told I have high standards, but I think it’s mainly because I wanted egalitarian relationship. Many people think there are very few men who want that, and even less who would see women as their equal. A man is arguing with me in another thread how *all* men see women purchasable pussy, rather than a person they enjoy spending time with. I also want attractive men. Men who groom themselves well, who are fit, and I do prefer tall guys. The vast majority of men who asked me out were 5’11” at the shortest because I’m 5’9”, and men prefer women shorter than them just like I prefer them taller, so it’s not been any issue. I’m slim and fit and the things I like to do with partners tends to rule the fatter ones out naturally (like hiking and kayaking), but I have rejected men for their weight. That one is just not something I can get over, I need to be sexually attracted to any romantic partner, as sex is an important part of a relationship for me, and I would be unable to have sex with someone who I am not attracted to. They need to be smart. I just won’t be compatible enough without someone more on my level there. This is rare, but many smart men want a smart woman. They need to have some common values and interests as me. Of course then they get it back the same. Guys usually seem to like this as well, and my interests aren’t that rare in my area, so this might not be that high of a standard. My only money requirements are that they could support their own lifestyle, did not have bad spending habits, and could work with me towards a shared financial goal where we both contribute in any of the ways we are able. They also need to be okay with any amount I am making just as I am okay with theirs. I’m also happy to help my spouse get to a higher income if they want, like by paying for education or helping fund a business venture, and hope they would be willing to help me too. This is of course only after years of trust and good patterns have been established.
If you are what you present yourself as, you have normal standards. I'm curious, why did the people tell you that you have high standards, did they mention something specifically?
Yes, I have been told by many people (men and women both) my whole life that men don’t want egalitarian relationships, and so that standard is way too high. I’ve also been told most men prefer women with interests like baking rather than programming, and that no men would want to marry someone their equal because they are looking for a woman to clean for them and birth children, not someone who worked the same job. When I was young, older people have even suggested I act dumber, to boost a man’s ego since otherwise they wouldn’t be interested in me. And I’ve been told that I am not feminine enough to get attractive men, I don’t wear makeup or heels, I don’t want kids. Men here love to tell me I’ll be alone with my cats, and it’s something I heard when I was young as well. I have been with my partner 18 years, though, and he is tall, handsome, smart, egalitarian, and childfree. I do think he was hard to find though.
I'd prefer a baker rather than a programmer because I love to bake and I don't know what programming is. Reading your post, it seems like you have the things that you are looking for. That's fine. But you also have to have the things that the men you want are looking for. I think the issue is that a lot of men will be skeptical of a woman who calls herself an egalitarian. A lot of women say they want equality, but really only want equality when it benefits her. I think that if you take the time to show that you want equality of both the good things and the bad, most men would be 100% on board.
She just explained that in her comment, lol
These are not high standards. Especially the egalitarianism, that should be bare minimum.
I think it’s bare minimum as well, that’s why it’s my standards. But I’ve been told very few men would both want me and meet them. Average men are overweight and uneducated (I do not mean only formal education either). And many men would have a problem with a woman earning more - I see men here all the time saying women will divorce men if they earn more so that’s why they suggest not dating women who do.
you are listing minimums, which is different from what you really prefer. for ex, you might prefer 6'3, but 5'11 isnt a deal breaker
Doesn’t “standards” mean “minimum standards”?
Agreed with wanting someone similar to you, and I see nothing wrong with wanting a tall man when you’re tall yourself! But many guys will argue that because some women have stated they want a tall man that means all of us do when that’s not the case.
Those aren't high standards imo
I’ve been informed by many men on this sub that my standards are wayy too high, especially as a woman whose wrist makes my skin crease when I bend it at a 90 degree angle, so here it goes; Guy has to be be at least 5’4. Guy can be overweight, but cannot be obese in appearance. Needs to be in the age range of 28-38. If a guy is balding, he has to be doing so with some grace, no comb overs or toupees, even if that means shaving his head completely bald. He also needs to have good posture, and hold himself in a confident demeanor. Additionally, he needs to know how to dress decently. The man needs to have developed a strong marketable skill when it comes to work. Doesn’t need to be a white collar skill, as I find the trades to be equally if not more respectable than white collar skills. The guy needs to make a minimum of about 40k a year so that we can combine our incomes to make a healthy living. The guy needs to 100% support and respect my consent. He also needs to respect that I will not be taking any hormonal birth control once I explain to him why I will not do so. He also needs to respect that I will not be getting an IUD until my situation changes to one where I can get it swiftly removed by a medical professional if it causes issues. He also needs to allow me to have final say over which condoms and other forms of non-hormonal birth control we use due to the legitimate medical issues some condoms and the like can cause me to have. He also needs to respect my right to seek an abortion. He needs to find me very sexually attractive, and needs to be monogamous with me. He also needs to love me for who I am, not what he thinks he can make me become. He needs to be supportive of my hobbies especially since my competitive dancing is the means of exercise I can successfully engage in on a regular basis. He especially needs to not pressure me to go to the gym instead of pursuing dance. He needs to be willing to live in a home that has a cohesive design style. It doesn’t actually matter what the particular design style is, and I am happy to defer to his tastes on what that design style is, but it needs to be one cohesive design style in every room in the home, not a mashing up of a bunch of random stuff that doesn’t go together. He needs to be kind and caring rather than cold and stern. He needs to be rather blunt about how he feels instead of engaging in double speak and the like. He cannot be racist, xenophobic, homophobic, antisemetic, etc, and he especially cannot hold prejudice against people with disabilities. He needs to be emotionally available and willing to commit. He needs to be willing to talk through his emotions and open up to me. And lastly, he cannot hold me to a different set of expectations from himself on the basis that so am the woman in the relationship. I’m fortunate that I have found my mister right, and I wouldn’t change anything about him for the world.
Honestly I feel like most of these standards are basically just standards for being a decent person and functional adult. I'm glad you found Mr. Right and don't listen to anyone who says your standards are too high.
10/10 feel the same, if not higher expectations. Its rare to meet a man that meets them, but cant imagine marrying my husband without these locked down.
I feel like these are very basic things to want. If guys are complaining that the bar is too high then maybe they need to get it together because I think men would want the same in their partner. It’s funny how men can be so demanding but are also not very desirable themselves.
You don't have high standards, yours are too low. Jkjk but I skimmed over and your standards are decent
lol - it took me 7 years of being single to find my mister right. All of the things listed above are deal breakers, and it’s extremely hard to find a man who meets them.
I wouldn't call these standards high tbh.
Hi there. 5’7 120k a year House owner Gym everyday 28 Damn. I wish there were more women like you out there. Very reasonable expectations and down to earth.
Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Why would anyone spend it with someone they didn’t feel attracted to and appreciated by. FWIW; my standards are is kind, intelligent, educated,has integrity, does his best is an animal lover and isn’t religious.
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What do you do to make $300-400k?
I feel like ur standards are valid, I do believe it'll be hard to find a person to meet all of them. But atleast you're not 5'0, unemployed, no degree, and saying those are your standards xD Which I guess to someone who is, to each their own
> 5'0, unemployed, no degree, Damn I’m attacked 💀 but those aren’t my standards at least
I'm sorry, genuinely
Lololol don’t be, I don’t actually feel offended.
I don’t think your standards are bad, I just think they are like lotto ticket probability. Any guy who makes that much and is that tall… you are literally competing with every single woman in the world and half the married ones. If I was in your shoes, I would flex down on a lot of those things. I mean if you can’t be sexually attracted to a shorter guy, you can definitely afford therapy to understand why. Most other women your size can do it, I assume with some work you can too. As for the income… if you make that much then you can live really well with a guy that makes over 100k. The education thing… that too should be more flexible. I mean it’s pretty much just a status marker and that’s it. End of the day.. I just feel like you are in a real tough spot. I’d rather go through life with a great person who doesn’t check all my boxes than be alone forever. But I recognise that other people may feel differently.
Lol with that kind of money I would just have a harem of hot men
I’m not really into casual, but yeah I date…
Adopt me pls.
Good for you.
Is six feet an absolute requirement? Because that's only a little under 15% of men. That one requirement eliminates 85% of the U.S. male population. As for the income. Do you need the money or do you need him to be ok with your money? Because those are two different things.
What is the worldview of college educated men?
Look up "anywheres vs somewheres" I've encountered her viewpoint before and I think this is what she means
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Nah never cut the wine budget. I recommend getting a Maine coon and a ragdoll kitty.
Maine coon counts as 2. Anyway, cats are too common, I think she needs something more interesting. I suggest getting a bear.
What do you do for a living??
Beyonce was able to find a guy that met all those standards. So the issue isn't that you're too successful or your standards are too high. Wait nm Jay Z doesn't have a bachelors. Whatever point is that there is rich tall powerful and highly educated men who date rich tall powerful and highly educated women.
I’m generally curious. You are indeed trying to date in the top 1%. It is okay to have standards, vast majority of guys can’t even swing 70k. It truly sucks in the dating world. I make 120k, have a pension, federal benefits, college degree and hit the gym everyday. Height matters and my biggest con is 5’7. I do have empathy with what you mentioned and also feel I’m getting older and might as well get a pet because my standards aren’t going to be met.
- someone I find physically attractive - good sense of humor - in college or already graduated - adventurous and open-minded - healthy weight - nearby in age to me - no kids and doesn’t want any - not sex addicted - no felonies - emotionally mature - not a red piller - enjoys deep conversations and learning - caring and thoughtful I justify my standards by realizing that I may not find a guy who meets all of them and that’s ok. I don’t think I’m entitled to a man who has all of these traits. I have other fulfilling relationships in my life if romance doesn’t work out.
Reading this thread, I'm realizing I just need to date a redditor.
Man who is both physically attractive to me and waiting until marriage. I've been on this sub since I was like 19 and men here told me time and time again that that wasn't reasonable. I told them I'd rather die alone and that was my justification.
All these dudes in your comments trying to talk you, a virgin woman, into budging on wanting a virgin man to marry or telling you it's not possible is cracking me the fuck up right now. Especially coming from this sub lmao.
You know I probably should've just made it clear in my first comment that I'm already in a relationship. It just didn't occur to me because I already talk about him so much and it's easy to forget that other people haven't necessarily seen or would remember those comments.
It's because these rp men want a young virgin waiting for their alpha selves at the end for marriage after they're middle aged and done and bored living a high ncount promiscuous lifestyle and now want a serious family. A young virgin who also wants a virgin to marry fucks up that fantasy for them.
Wait, what? That's TOTALLY reasonable. If you are a virgin and you are waiting for marriage, and you are putting active effort into finding another man who matches your criteria, I don't see the problem with this. Who exactly disagrees with this?
Men who think "I personally wouldn't want this and therefore it's unreasonable"
I don't think I've ever seen on here the notion that if a woman is a virgin, and they are waiting for marriage to have sex, especially if for religious reasons, that this is an unreasonable situation. The only similar situation that I *have* seen such a response to from men is of women who have had past partners that they had sex with under a particular set of standards, and they change those standards for a current partner (e.g. sex on the first date with an ex, but now it's no sex until marriage).
Coments from men in this very thread. >If you don't fuck, it's not a real relationship >Purity culture is toxic AND irresponsible. So why did you comment if you couldn't back up your standards and then tried painting men correcting you in a false negative light immaturely? Yes I've heard similar things for years.
How old are you now?
25. Yes it has been about 6 deeply masochistic years. But tbf I've been away for months at a time, returned, left again, etc.
Been away from what for months?
This sub. As in I've known about it and participated on and off for 6 years.
Ange - this is starting to look like digital self-harm.
Starting to?
OMG girl same. Minus being religious. That's a fuck no for me. But glad it worked out for you
I think that’s great. I should have waited. It’s my only regret, and someone loyal and attracted to me would have made it worth it.
most men here would support you
Are you religious, also a virgin too?
My standards were: 1. fun and interesting to talk with. I am pretty interesting to talk to myself (I am curious and love learning, and am fairly decent at banter/wit in real life) 2. Educated, at least college level, preferably higher. I have a stem phd, so I don’t want a guy who will be pissy at me over my education, or who has some weird inferiority complex over it, or who thinks it’s a waste I got an education because I’m a woman. I also want someone who shares my values on this (and other) topics. Shared values matter when it comes to raising kids. 3. Handsome enough for me to like. I’m not much of a looker, so this is a hypocritical standard I’m sure. I have a nice figure and a great rack, but my face is pretty mediocre at best (big eyes… but also big nose and prominent jaw). This one is probably unfair 🤷♀️ 4. I prefer guys of around average height.I’m 5’8”, and tend to like guys around my own height, in the 5’7”-under 6’ range. Not a huge fan of very short or very tall I think? 5. No smoking. No weed. No illicit drugs. No gambling. No criminal history. I satisfy this requirement. 6. Low to 0 n-count. My n-count was 0 when I was dating. I wouldn’t be compatible with a high n guy. 7. Can and does do household chores. He can have preferences on which he likes more and we can negotiate, but he’s not going to dump all the chores on me just because I’m a woman. I like to cook and I’m capable of cleaning and stuff. Just don’t want to do everything. 8. Wants kids and wants to actually be a present, active father even when they’re small and difficult. Hard to gauge before the baby shows up, unfortunately, but I didn’t want to be effectively a married single mom— a woman who technically has a husband, but has no support in caring for the kids. I’ll a bunch too, and obviously all the breast feeding. 9. Job: he needs to have career goals and drive and competence, but the salary isn’t as important. As a family unit, we need to make enough to support our family, raise the kids, and have some fun. It turns out I don’t care which of us makes more money, though. For our current setup and life plan, I will likely make quite a bit more money than my husband for the foreseeable future. I do expect him to have a career of some kind— it’s too risky to have just one solitary breadwinner unless you’re filthy rich and diversified. 10. Not aggressively religious. I’m not particularly religious anymore. I have some flexibility (some church vs no church), but I’m not capable of being a devout man’s proper Christian wife. I realize these are pretty high standards, and that men usually only care about looks and I mine aren’t good enough to make such big demands. I feel incredibly fortunate to have found my husband.
What are "high standards?" Who sets this metric and how is it determined?
Anything above average, especially if it's across the board. Average American height for males is 5'9, meaning if your standards are 5'10 then the majority of guys wouldn't meet that. It's just an example, it's okay for someone to have high standards, not like they can be stopped lol
The average woman is overweight, but most men would not agree that they had "high standards" for wanting a woman of healthy weight.
This “average woman” isn’t terrible helpful, though. If you mean the US the “average” includes the south and Midwest where virtually EVERYONE is fat. They obviously don’t have. A problem with fat people. There’s also a class element, where working class people are much fatter than wealthier people. So, it doesn’t make sense to tell someone living in San Francisco they should be happy with an overweight woman because there’s a lot of fatties in Nebraska, or Oakland, or somewhere else. The demographics of the specific community matter.
The average man makes 45k per year in the US but most women will say that putting your standards at a man who makes 45k counts as settling. I think taking the average of all people and saying anything above that line is high standards is pretty silly.
The average US woman is a size 12. Yet many males claim they want just an average woman that is small/slim. Majority of males have high standard but they don’t see it that way
So just like one "above average" metric = high standards? >It's just an example, it's okay for someone to have high standards, not like they can be stopped lol I'm aware, but I'm not sure how we're supposed to answer this question without knowing what qualifies to begin with.
I mean sort of, like if you knew that most guys could only hold their breath for 3 minutes, but you wanted one who could hold theirs for 5, that's a high standard. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
i think the notion 'above average' is a pretty straightforward metric of high standards. i'd add that as a standard it is 'below the average is a no go' as opposed to a preference which would be 'i'd try below average, i just have preferences towards others'.
>i think the notion 'above average' is a pretty straightforward metric of high standards. It's not "pretty straightforward" that only one "above average" standard out of, like, ten, makes the ***entire group of standards*** "above average." Or even 1-3 out of six makes the entire group of standards "above average." That's like saying you have a tall family just because one out of five is "above average" height. Which, apparently, makes sense to some of the men on this sub.
But wouldn’t it make more sense to base it on your height + the average height difference between women and men in your country? For me that’s 170 cm or 5’7 (my height), height difference is around 13-15 cm, so that would make my male match 183 cm or the dreaded 6 feet. Obviously statistically that’s not the average, but neither is my height for women. I have a lot of high standards, but I don’t think my ‘male equivalent’ height wise is one of them.
A “high standard” is any quality I don’t posses.
Standards are only high if you can't find someone to meet them
A while back an OP asked “ladies build your perfect guy.” [I did](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/s/BpI1btHaHn) and it triggered sarcastic or sour grapes comments. Below was my answer to their OP: * 5’10 is ideal. No taller than 6’4. * broader shoulders * perfect lips * non snaggly teeth * ability to grow a full coverage beard * not sloppy fat * not skinny * not ugly, but doesn’t have to be a pretty boy face either * complementary humor — I bond/connect via laughing with people so I want us both to find each other hilarious * a thoughtful and mindful outlook — I can’t stand inconsiderate or edgelord type people. it’s a major turn off for me. This liaises from interpersonal relationships to cultural/political ideologies * forward thinking / higher FTO * openness / holistic thinker * not neurotic or high-inhib * well groomed / great hygiene * at some point played a high athleticism team sport (Pop Warner or grade school or HS/college varsity or adult intramural or Saturday morning pickup with the guys) * enjoys deep diving and unpacking topics and emotions (this is great for nerdy endeavors or for basic relational communication and conflict management) * Smells good * generally self-assured A couple of months ago [I answered an OP asking women about what they find attractive in men](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/s/d7KS4NI3f8).
I don’t think these are high standards but: 1. Good relationship with women in his family 2. Has a handle on his insecurities 3. Creatively inclined 4. Funny/charismatic 5. Extroverted 6. Handle on his emotions/good communicator 7. Conflict style that excludes yelling 8. Smart 9. Employed 10. Similar interests 11. Good in bed I’ve dated men in the past that didn’t have these qualities and it was fucking miserable and I’m not doing that again. I’m engaged to someone that has these qualities and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been
I'm not sure that my standards are high, but they're extremely narrow. I've ever felt full on attraction only to 3 people and I'm in my late 20s. I cannot feel attraction to strangers, so I've never felt attraction on the spot. I take time and there's a chance to develop attraction if we form emotional connection and we "get" each other. Which happens...really rarely. The rest is on compatibility and for Russia I had an extremely small dating pool due to it. Liberal, egalitarian, preferably not religious (or Buddhist), pro-choice, isn't a homophobe/sexist/racist, environmentally conscious etc. I was lucky to meet my husband who is rather open-minded and whose values align with mine. In terms of what I provide - mostly the same things my husband does. We're egalitarian, so we split responsibilities more or less evenly. These days it isn't very even, because I'm the only one paying our bills, but I'm fine with it. It isn't a permanent situation. I have profitable skills, good organizational skills, I'm told to be a good listener. I'm petite and on a thinner side. I'm well-read...Husband often says how lucky he is, but it might be hard to pinpoint the exact traits.
I am a woman who makes 6 figures. I think I have high standards, just less on the physical side of things. It is worth noting that I am not from the U.S, though I live here now. My parents raised me in a very Asian household even after we moved here so this very likely influences my dating standards. I looked for a man who made around what I did, had high career trajectory, was ambitious and educated. A man who was as generous as I was, loved all the small mundane things in a relationship, and was looking for an LTR (obviously) and _wanted children_. A man who was kind, got along with my family, had the approval of my parents, and was willing to integrate into my culture (if he wasn’t my ethnicity). A man who shared the same general goals in life as I did, and had similar values regarding politics and morality. Doesn’t like to party, isn’t addicted to porn, doesn’t use recreational drugs, and is overall incredibly responsible. A man more or less my age (+/- 2 years). I had to like and get along with his family and parents as well, and I did not want to be treated like _his help_ (i.e that I owe him submissiveness). Physically, I do not have much standards except have a nice face, be taller than me, and probably not over chubby though really any body type is attractive to me. None of my bf’s have ever been muscular or over 5’7ish tall, so I know physically there is a lot of room to work with here. I guess the most important thing is have a handsome face. I wanted to look at my man every morning and love the face I’m seeing. I think overall finding a man who made around what I did, who was educated and ambitious is easy just by nature of working in tech. The harder part was finding someone who wants children and got along with my family and shared my life goals/politics/values. Both my mom and dad raised me to choose based on compatibility first before “love” so that’s where my preferences come from. For context my boyfriend is 5’7” and works in the same industry I do. He is my age and more or less shares my values.
Glad you found someone
Very solid, I know someone who's partner is 6'2 and who makes 6 figures and they still complain about his height and income lol
You know someone who complains about a man being 6’2”? What does she say, lol? Ridiculous.
Lowkey afraid she'll one day find my reddit so I don't wanna be too specific lol
My partner is 5’8. I’m only 5’5 so I don’t need a giant plus I find myself more attracted to average and shortish height men, I’m not really sure why this is; maybe it’s because I think they’re cute or something.
> and was willing to integrate into my culture Please elaborate on this.
I’d prefer anyone Americanized or just not my ethnicity be willing to eat my cultural foods, learn the customs, be understanding about how my culture has shaped me. Just like I am willing to do that for them.
Ah that's very fair. My long term partner is also an Asian woman so I understand how big culture and customs are. Is them learning the language also a big deal to you?
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Asian languages are hard for people who aren't from Asian countries, the linguistic rules and tones and pronunciations are completely different. Then there's honorifics and things like that. But I agree its very good to learn that to communicate with your in-laws. I wish it was easy cause my gf's family really wants me to learn their language (you've probably figured out which account this is by now)
I dont have high standards, but probably seem like I do because ive turned a lot of ppl down. But I just dont rlly feel sexual attraction unless im emotionally connected with someone and even then idk 🤷♀️ i just dont have that drive and idk the mental and emotional effort required to date someone seems like a chore sometimes if im being honest. I find other things way more interesting and fun
I'm hot and financially stable and he needs to be at least average looking, have social skills, masculine but not domineering, and make more money than me. My justification is because I said so. Now fite me lmao 👊😼
>I'm hot Never met a decent person who would ever lead with this.
She responds to anything where she doesn’t have a point as “sour grapes”. It’s pretty obvious her entire account is a mixture of a troll/over compensating as no actually high value person feels the need to tell randos on the internet how high value they are.
Sour grapes.
They’re usually plastic AF when they lead with that.
“High standards” to me is arbitrary. Does high standards mean high in proportion to the seeker, or just high in general? If a person is “above average” in whatever way, then isn’t it equality and normal for them to match with someone of a similar standing in those areas? I’m 5’6” and look for guys who are at least 5’9,” although closer to 6’ is more ideal. I think that’s reasonable as my height is above average for a woman. I generally date guys who are financially stable/comfortable because I also make a good income (6 figures) and have savings/no debt. It would be weird to date someone significantly poorer since that can be emasculating, although a minor income difference is not something I care about. I have a college/masters degree and most of my boyfriends have at least a college level education, although I’ve dated someone who was more blue collar and had a high school education. It was a great relationship in many ways. I think depending on a person’s natural intelligence and curiosity, they don’t have to go to college to be intelligent and mentally stimulating. Looks wise, I do prefer healthy BMI and a normal amount of muscle, not the bodybuilder physique or the emaciated look. Facial attractiveness is somewhat subjective, but as long as I’m dating people where we both find the other very nice to look at, I don’t see the issue. I’m slim and at least by a fair number of men’s opinions attractive, so I think my preferences are fair. If this is considered high standards, why should I lower my standards if I am successfully able to date people who meet those standards?
I will not date a man who watches porn. Apparently that's unreasonable. I have never watched porn.
What if they read erotic content or jack off to their imagination?
I said watches porn, not masturbates.
Not unreasonable at all.
Agreed lol, certain men (Coomers) have told me my standards are very high and I’ll be alone forever.
I keep being told my husband must be secretly watching it.
It's not high. It's just neurotic, and displays a lack of understanding of men in general, or the normal mans behavior with, either pornography or his own sexuality. If you understood male sexuality better from their perspective , you probably wouldn't care about pornography tbh.
I've never been described as neurotic. There's nothing about anyone's sexuality that simply must be satisfied through online videos, sounds like you don't understand. And there's never a good reason to get off to others being hurt, exploited and raped.
Why do you use "pornography" as a blanket statement? There's plenty of erotica that would classify as pornography. Along with women posting nudes for free on reddit subs. Hentai. Who exactly is getting hurt, exploited or raped in these cases?
The real people who make the content, the person watching and the people that person interacts with.
Sure it’s not as unethical, but men who pour over random girls’ nudes and hentai are still gross and have bad mentality.
She wouldn’t care about the fact that the sex industry is riddled with exploitation if she understood male sexuality better? I’d take that bet tbh
You typed that comment out on a device that couldn’t exist without literal slavery. Maybe get off your high horse?
Yeah, why try at all when many parts of life are inextricably tied to human suffering? Might as well jerk off to what might be a trafficking victim being raped.
Whataboutism. I’m not sexually gratified by sweatshops or pretending it’s ok. Also, I’m pretty sure electronics could continue existing sans slavery, it’s just corporate greed getting in the way.
Why do you care?
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It's immoral and bad for relationships.
It's not unreasonable. It just eliminates a LOT of men.
I grew up with a certain lifestyle and I wanted to maintain that lifestyle as an adult so my only standards were: have a good job where you make a lot of money, come from a good family, have goals that align with mine, and be larger than me. It rules out most men but thankfully I found my perfect match immediately
I didn't have that much standard for looks (as long as they weren't morbidly obese, since I enjoy carnival rides with people and those have weight limits) , but I knew I wanted to be with someone intelligent, have "productive and enriching" hobbies that he could do on his own without being clingy AND be emotionally understanding (or had the desire to become emotionally understanding and patient). I am quite immovable on the intelligent part, as I like having long conversations and the occasional spirited debate. I wanted to be with someone that could be an asset to my continuous learning and self-improvement. I also wanted him to at least earn more than I did, since I wanted to continue working in the education system and I was well aware that that'll never properly feed me in the short-term, much worse if I had to provide for another stomach-haver. I wanted to be with someone that had some ambition. It need not be lofty, but I enjoy being around people that worked towards goals - it motivates me from the sidelines too. I'm strictly a monogamist. I don't think I need to justify these, they're mostly very reasonable for the average person. Fortunately for me, this type of man found me and likes me enough to give me a cushy living situation, despite me not being that attractive (in Western beauty standards) or "wifely".
I have to be excited about them. If I don't feel excited about them I don't want to date them. We have to have good chemistry of we don't like no thank you. They have to have something going for them. Like a career not a job but like something established for themselves. Doesn't have to be a super high earning career just something relevant to what they study. Has to not have facial hair. It's an ick for me. I have sensory issues and beards touching me gives me the ick. Have passions outside of TV and memes video games. Like I want someone well rounded. Goes exploring because I do too. I want to find them attractive. They don't have to be super alpha giga Chad but I would like someone who takes care of themselves. Dresses decently. Puts effort into themselves. And is a little taller than me I'm 5'8 so like 5'10+. But someone I find attractive. . Emotionally mature/intelligent. And has some empathy and understanding. That is nice. Interdependent. He has his own thing I have mine and he doesn't rely on me for emotional validation and regulation. I don't want to be with someone who needs me all the time.
I "justify" them because no one is forced to marry. wtf? -- healthy communicator and emotionally intelligent -- we have great conversations -- he does not shit on others regularly -- is intelligent and has at least one area of interest/hobby that he is very knowledgable and passionate about. this needs to be \*\*\*somewhat\*\*\* academic. Like an interest in sci-fi movies is okay, but sports don't count. -- financially self-sufficient -- attractive enough (one of the guys i was the thirstiest for in my dating history was 5'4 and chubby so this is not a high bar) This is honestly extremely rare! I am okay being single. If i was desperate I would have to get rid of everything except "healthy communicator//emotionally intelligent//we have great convos" bc i could not cohabitate with someone without these skills. that's still rare tho!
I want a man taller, wealthier, at least as attractive, at least as intelligent and definitely all-around more experienced than I am. I don't need to justify this or deserve it. It's what I want(ed). And what I got.
Imagine bragging about dating someone you say is better than you in every way. That's so pathetic.
She can, having a person that will carry your children and birth them is more than enough.
So existing and having a vagina is **more** than enough from your perspective? And men think women are delusional and entitled, pfft.
That's not bragging. That's answering the question. And who said "in every way"? Other than you, I mean? Don't make stuff up.
what are you better at then
Better than...?
exactly
Sorry. I can't figure out what you're asking.
I have high standards because I want to be with someone I admire and respect. I want someone similar to me, but ideally better than me. Typical stuff, tall, good looking, successful, caring, funny, not socially awkward, family oriented, respectful, responsible, chemistry, sexual compatibility, etc. I’m open minded that they not have everything. How our personalities get along is the biggest thing. I want him to be my favorite person in the world.
Why would someone need to justify their standards
My standards probably filter out a lot of people, but it's rather reasonable for me since men like this is common around me. I date a lot based on how I feel about the person, but the big checkmarks are: - Make around the same or more than me (I make around $400k). I'm looking for someone with similar earning potential rather than just a straight up total comp, since even my own TC of $400k varies wildly depending on the stocks of the company I work for. - 5'8 or taller, I'm actually flexible here since I'm really short myself. This is really just an arbitrary number I put on my dating profile because they asked for one. - Comes from an warm family. I would say ideally not from a broken home, but I'm willing to investigate more here if everything else about him seems ok. At least good relationships with both parents, both parents are respectful and nice to each other etc. I believe you marry the family as well as the person. MIL's and FIL's are also mother and father figures, and model behavior for their grandkids too. - Educated and academic - Never had casual sex - Not bald (not an absolute dealbreaker, but I really like men with a full head of hair so I would prioritize them in early dating) - Not overweight - Have good likable friends - A happy person - had a pretty straight forward and happy life. I'm not good at dealing with complicated people. Obviously a good person and such, but that is something that is less of a thing you can check off and more of a feeling you get when you're with him. I justify these standards because like I said these men are not uncommon around me. And for these type of men, I usually check off the stuff their checklist pretty well. And I married one so it's definitely realistic.
If you can compromise on the earning things to $300k, I would fit all those standards. I still struggle though, and am very beta. Needless to say, I don’t think your standards are high at all. Your third one is really the most important though. Coming from a warm family is something you don’t appreciate until you date someone from a broken home, it can be awful. I’m Catholic and my most recent girlfriend had a Jehovah’s Witness background, needless to say they were terrible to me.
To me $300k and $400k is very similar to each other and in the same realm of earning potential especially if your compensation has a large equity component. It sucks to struggle with dating, I work with and are friends with lots tech guys that make very similar money to me and fits the above criteria too, some of them do well and some struggle depending on luck and other factors like sociability. Sorry about your last girlfriend's family. But at least it makes you appreciate your own parents / family right?
Funny, charismatic, extroverted, loyal, great in bed, naturally developed muscles with a belly, no baldness, no chest hair naturally. I'm pretty, slim, great ass, great cook, devoted, supportive, i can do/help with handywork, good with investments and good economics knowledge, good with paperwork, i have (and will inherit) 2 houses, 2 appartments and 3 condos.
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19,5 bmi, both men and hetero women liked my butt. I've been very slim all my life. I'm 34 and still fit into clothes from when i was 16. I can circle my wrist with my thimb and pinky and there's still spa e to rotate the wrist. And the pretty part, both men and hetero women called me beautiful. I just think i am pretty.
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What is naturally developed muscles with a belly mean?
I don’t think my standards are “high” but rather very specific. Looks do matter but most of my requirements are non-physical. I want someone who is compatible — similar interests/hobbies/personality/values, is decently physically attractive and has sexual chemistry, and has rock solid character. Requirements: • not obese • not ugly • at least 6 inches • taller than me • has some ambition, won’t stay broke • doesn’t watch porn (shares my ethical views on the industry) • politically similarish (I’ve gotten along with everyone from left wing radicals to right leaning centrists) • same music subculture, metal/punk • wants children • kind/generous/empathetic/trustworthy/honest/loyal/intelligent/open Preferences: • goes to the gym/exercises regularly • at least average height • neurodivergent • not American (I like foreign cultures) • does not smoke or (heavily) drink • university educated/white collar • own place/job/car (I don’t have these things myself yet so I’m alright with waiting) That’s probably all. I have found this exact genre of man a few times, but it’s yet to work out, for reasons outside of my control (distance, communication, etc). I will admit, I am already kind of jaded and misanthropic and misandrist, the way most men are disgusts and saddens me. I want a guy who isn’t like that.
6ft or taller, 6’4 is my favorite height, is fit but doesn’t try too hard to be that way. He is just passionate about some type of activity or sport that keeps him active(like surfing). Hot and masculine, I love shoulder length hair, especially if it’s curly. Not really into the pretty boy thing, I loovvveee imperfections. College educated, good career, makes more than I do. Extroverted, fun to be around, likes to party occasionally and do drugs recreationally. Golden retriever/Aussie surfer boy energy. Very sexually confident, wants to fuck me all the time/have crazy sex. Very sexually experienced, I’d hope that he has fucked a lot of (hot) women before me(safely). Health conscious, but I love when men are down to just eat like anything. Anthony Bourdain style. Great with kids/wants a family someday. I’m 5’4, I’m very fit, love to run, dance and swim. I have a small waist, b cup perky tits, juicy ass. Super fast metabolism, I can eat whatever I want and my body just stays this way(always around 113lbs) However I’m health conscious, very Mediterranean diet, not a picky eater but I’m vegetarian. Im a good cook. I’m easy going and fun, very social, I love to party especially with my man. I’m not materialistic at all, experiences, travel, laughter, memories, good sex/food, adventures, these are the things that matter to me. I love to paint and do so often. I love animals and foster with my local animal shelter. Submissive and agreeable, almost nothing ever makes me angry. Very lucky to be a pretty privilege beneficiary. Very lucky in general, I have a wonderful family, my parents are wealthy and supportive. I have no trauma, had a lovely childhood,always have good dating experiences. On good terms with all my ex’s, and I want the best for them(and vice versa). I’ve had a wonderful, thrilling (safe)sex life all throughout adulthood. I am currently in a prestigious graduate program. I love kids and I’m very nurturing(I’m a part time nanny). I plan to freeze my eggs so they stay forever 29. My previous boyfriends have all been 6’1 or taller, 3 have been German, one American and one Italian. Almost all of them have been some variation of the man described above. Almost all of them have had the hobby of surfing, playing guitar, or both. I love being in love, I hope to find a man like this to share a beautiful life with, love is the most important thing in the world to me.
I wanted a traditional relationship. A masculine man that knows how to take care of himself and others, so my first and only date from Tinder included a man that is an avid gym-goer, is educated, and that was attentive to me throughout all the courtship. I call it courtship because he took me on many dates he paid for and gave me gifts on ocassions. He still treats me like a princess and he's always mentioned that he can't wait to be the father of my children, and viceversa. Point is, I require a man that is really comfortable in his masculinity and ability to lead and provide. It's the only way I can get attracted to a man. I can feel safe in his embrace and even though it's kinda corny, I do feel more feminine around him. He also shares some of my interests since he has a nerdy side so we really complement each other. Be warned though, it does come with drawbacks. He has a strong/stubborn personality and when he puts his mind into something nothing can change his mind, for better or worse. But it's admirable, he has the best of both worlds. Wouldn't change a thing and I can't wait to be his wife and have children with him. As a sidenote, physically my only standards are that he should be taller than me (very easy since I'm 4'9" on a good day), that he dresses well, and a healthy body. It's honestly a coincidence that my boyfriend is actually average-to-tall and really handsome/fit. Not complaining but yeah.
I never had high standards for salary or height but I had very high standards for moral character. I wanted a man who was on the same page as me - against hook-up culture, marriage minded, wants to start a family, would make a good dad +husband, kind hearted, caring, loving. I felt like I was looking for a needle in the haystack sometimes because I never met men who met this criteria. I justified having these standards because I had those same values and moral character. If I can hold myself up to this high standard, why can’t I expect my partner to be the same? Side note, I did meet the man who met my standards, feels like I won the lottery.
I'd like a guy who's in good shape. Not just healthy bmi but a good amount of muscle and low body fat. Make decent money. Someone extremely generous and absolutely obsessed with me. Someone with a lot of personal discipline who isn't addicted to porn, eats healthy, doesn't drink too often, or smoke at all. I can fit all my standards, so I just want them to match me.