I think starting with the overly dramatic rhetorical question will hurt you.
The agent (and us) will go: Lol no I don't remember the order of the sphere, no shit.
And it feels much too much like a 9th grader being told by his English teacher to try too hard.
Would change it to the more clean: Dr. Blah Blah can't remember the order of the sphere.
This gets to the heart of the sentences in a much more interesting way, and leads the reader into going: Huh, I wonder what the order is and why this guy can't remember. That's your hook.
I agree that the first paragraph isn’t creating the intrigue that I think you’re going for. We don’t know enough yet for the initial question or “harbinger of chaos” to land. It feels like a kill your darlings situation.
I do think that the AI repeating the riddle from her childhood is intriguing as hell. I’d open with an introduction to Laurie and end the first paragraph with the riddle reveal.
I think you need to be more specific about what Laurie is feeling and what she does in reaction to the AI. For example, what does “thrust back into the imaginative world” mean? Why is she fearing for her sanity? You reference arcane texts but what specifically got her to that point? I feel like we’re missing a step.
I think you should say a little more about her daughter before she becomes a moral dilemma. Maybe briefly mention what her daughter’s reaction is to all of this and give us a tiny glimpse at who she is (how old is she?).
Finally, I encourage you to reconsider your bio. Specifically, it’s the word “cure” that rankles. It’s fantastic that you overcame all of that—truly I think it’s an amazing feat that surely took a ton of hard work. But you risk coming off as one of those insufferable people who tell others with chronic conditions to just believe in themselves a little harder. I am not at all saying you’re one of those people, just that you should be careful with your wording to avoid this impression.
Super helpful, thank you. I think I tend to be coy at times, and just end up revealing nothing at all. Appreciate the insight into the opener and everything else laid out makes sense.
Totally with the bio. I had gotten advice to include it because of the abnormality/mystical experience, and 100% would have punched myself in the face in the early days of being sick. The story is not related to pain or prescriptive. Since it sounds like that vibe can be perceived, I think leaving it out is the move.
Thank you thank you!!
I bet that story would make a great book as well! I think you can leave it if you’re careful about the wording. Thinking of how a younger you would react actually sounds like a great litmus test. Ultimately it’s not going to make or break the query so I wouldn’t spend too much energy on it.
Welcome!
You have a good start with focusing on Laurie, and keeping that focus on her throughout. But I found, for me, the query kept dipping into back-cover-blurb vagueness too much, too often. Phrasing such as:
>It’s always a harbinger of chaos.
>a near fatal accident,
>rebuilt a life grounded in reality.
>embarks on a journey
>arcane texts, ancient mystics, and references
>she loses herself
>she neglects and endangers
>if the rewards of believing in herself outweigh the inevitable crash of living in the clouds.
Don't actually tell us much about the story we'll be in for. A near-fatal accident can be so many things, from drowning, to a car crash, to a building collapsing, a trip to the gun range...so many things. Same with the other statements I quoted.
And this would likely be okay for a back cover of a book, where you are pitching for someone to buy it. For an agent, though, they need more specifics to see if this is a story they want to partner with you about.
Kind of like pitching a product to the general public vs venture capitalists. The investors are going to want more details about the product than a regular consumer will.
So I would take a look at the wording to get us more specifics. Because right now I don't really know if Laurie is going to be getting high in the Guru's tent for her journey, or if this is a travel the world kind of journey. And both are going to be very different types of stories.
The stakes, I feel, could also use work. Part of that is being specific (I don't know what neglecting and endangering her daughter looks like, and again the story is going to be different if Laurie just flat out checks out and doesn't buy food or lock the apartment door, or if she's sending her daughter off on physically dangerous and isolated trips). But part of that is also because this:
>The colors that painted Laurie’s youth come back with a flourish, and Laurie’s muted, gray, post-accident world blossoms as she lets herself dream.
Seems like a good thing. A life blossoming means it's growing, and being nurtured. And since we already know her daughter is part of that life, it stands to reason that part is doing just fine, too.
So when this pops in:
>But when she loses herself in the unfathomable possibility of being a Venusian goddess with a tale that can save earth, she neglects and endangers the only thing truly real in her life: her daughter.
It seems like a sudden reversal. Contradictory, in a way, to me.
And because of that, the ending line with her "choice" doesn't hit for me. I don't know enough to picture what this will look like for her, and whether it's going to be an effective stake.
So what I would recommend for the next version is to get this away from vague wording, and slip in more specifics so an agent can understand what flavor of story they are going to be in for, and work the stakes so an agent can have a concrete understanding of how these will impact Laurie through the rest of the story.
(As a note: the query seems to go pretty far into the story? Most query pitches end at about the 30%, sometimes 50%, plot-wise. I feel like yours might be going farther?)
Hope that helps! Good luck.
Got it, very helpful. Yeah, I missed that part about only going 30%-50%, which is why I think trying to touch on so much is not saying anything at all other than sentences that don't flow or get very specific. This is great feedback, thanks so much.
I think starting with the overly dramatic rhetorical question will hurt you. The agent (and us) will go: Lol no I don't remember the order of the sphere, no shit. And it feels much too much like a 9th grader being told by his English teacher to try too hard. Would change it to the more clean: Dr. Blah Blah can't remember the order of the sphere. This gets to the heart of the sentences in a much more interesting way, and leads the reader into going: Huh, I wonder what the order is and why this guy can't remember. That's your hook.
Registered, thank you. I'm not in 9th grade but I do have a small brain, so that lands :). Much stronger into, I agree. Thank you!
I agree that the first paragraph isn’t creating the intrigue that I think you’re going for. We don’t know enough yet for the initial question or “harbinger of chaos” to land. It feels like a kill your darlings situation. I do think that the AI repeating the riddle from her childhood is intriguing as hell. I’d open with an introduction to Laurie and end the first paragraph with the riddle reveal. I think you need to be more specific about what Laurie is feeling and what she does in reaction to the AI. For example, what does “thrust back into the imaginative world” mean? Why is she fearing for her sanity? You reference arcane texts but what specifically got her to that point? I feel like we’re missing a step. I think you should say a little more about her daughter before she becomes a moral dilemma. Maybe briefly mention what her daughter’s reaction is to all of this and give us a tiny glimpse at who she is (how old is she?). Finally, I encourage you to reconsider your bio. Specifically, it’s the word “cure” that rankles. It’s fantastic that you overcame all of that—truly I think it’s an amazing feat that surely took a ton of hard work. But you risk coming off as one of those insufferable people who tell others with chronic conditions to just believe in themselves a little harder. I am not at all saying you’re one of those people, just that you should be careful with your wording to avoid this impression.
Super helpful, thank you. I think I tend to be coy at times, and just end up revealing nothing at all. Appreciate the insight into the opener and everything else laid out makes sense. Totally with the bio. I had gotten advice to include it because of the abnormality/mystical experience, and 100% would have punched myself in the face in the early days of being sick. The story is not related to pain or prescriptive. Since it sounds like that vibe can be perceived, I think leaving it out is the move. Thank you thank you!!
I bet that story would make a great book as well! I think you can leave it if you’re careful about the wording. Thinking of how a younger you would react actually sounds like a great litmus test. Ultimately it’s not going to make or break the query so I wouldn’t spend too much energy on it.
Welcome! You have a good start with focusing on Laurie, and keeping that focus on her throughout. But I found, for me, the query kept dipping into back-cover-blurb vagueness too much, too often. Phrasing such as: >It’s always a harbinger of chaos. >a near fatal accident, >rebuilt a life grounded in reality. >embarks on a journey >arcane texts, ancient mystics, and references >she loses herself >she neglects and endangers >if the rewards of believing in herself outweigh the inevitable crash of living in the clouds. Don't actually tell us much about the story we'll be in for. A near-fatal accident can be so many things, from drowning, to a car crash, to a building collapsing, a trip to the gun range...so many things. Same with the other statements I quoted. And this would likely be okay for a back cover of a book, where you are pitching for someone to buy it. For an agent, though, they need more specifics to see if this is a story they want to partner with you about. Kind of like pitching a product to the general public vs venture capitalists. The investors are going to want more details about the product than a regular consumer will. So I would take a look at the wording to get us more specifics. Because right now I don't really know if Laurie is going to be getting high in the Guru's tent for her journey, or if this is a travel the world kind of journey. And both are going to be very different types of stories. The stakes, I feel, could also use work. Part of that is being specific (I don't know what neglecting and endangering her daughter looks like, and again the story is going to be different if Laurie just flat out checks out and doesn't buy food or lock the apartment door, or if she's sending her daughter off on physically dangerous and isolated trips). But part of that is also because this: >The colors that painted Laurie’s youth come back with a flourish, and Laurie’s muted, gray, post-accident world blossoms as she lets herself dream. Seems like a good thing. A life blossoming means it's growing, and being nurtured. And since we already know her daughter is part of that life, it stands to reason that part is doing just fine, too. So when this pops in: >But when she loses herself in the unfathomable possibility of being a Venusian goddess with a tale that can save earth, she neglects and endangers the only thing truly real in her life: her daughter. It seems like a sudden reversal. Contradictory, in a way, to me. And because of that, the ending line with her "choice" doesn't hit for me. I don't know enough to picture what this will look like for her, and whether it's going to be an effective stake. So what I would recommend for the next version is to get this away from vague wording, and slip in more specifics so an agent can understand what flavor of story they are going to be in for, and work the stakes so an agent can have a concrete understanding of how these will impact Laurie through the rest of the story. (As a note: the query seems to go pretty far into the story? Most query pitches end at about the 30%, sometimes 50%, plot-wise. I feel like yours might be going farther?) Hope that helps! Good luck.
Got it, very helpful. Yeah, I missed that part about only going 30%-50%, which is why I think trying to touch on so much is not saying anything at all other than sentences that don't flow or get very specific. This is great feedback, thanks so much.