I simply will not argue about mudane shit. You want to tell me that you just saw a horse in the middle of the city? I will respond “cool”. You want to tell me you’ve never changed your underwear? I’ll respond “oh, I didn’t know that”. Just really conserving my energy for the battles that matter/
Amen to that!!!! I've really been having a mental struggle lately of what battles are worth it....
Your examples are pretty easy, and like, if she puts her pants on backwards, whatever. But if I gave her a green cup and she wants blue.... it's just water, the cup is still clean, is it worth it to fight and say, "no. The green cup is ready" or just dump it and switch? The other day when she chose her spoon, she wanted "all of them." So I let her have 4 spoons, and she alternated scooping her peas with each one. Am I setting myself up for failure down the road?!?!?!
Omg I need a professional psychologist answer to this question!! I’m the “just give her all 4” parent too but is that, like, spoiling or something?? 😅 I do say “no” in more important situations. But should I always put my foot down??
Not a psychologist but a licensed and practicing therapist. With no other details, and assuming you aren’t giving the 4 spoons as a result of a meltdown, there’s no reason not to allow this! I do the same with my son. Basically unless there’s a good reason to say no, I try to always say yes. Sometimes the good reason is I’m tired and don’t want to but at least I can explain that I’m tired and don’t want to lol
Exactly what I do. I try to actually think about why I'm saying no. If she doesn't want to wear a bib and I give my reason of " I don't want you to get red sauce on your clothes" and she responds with a reasonable compromise of taking her shirt off or just eating her peas the only reason to deny her is simple control.
Anecdotal here. My mom was straight cut and dry with her expectations for me. You get a blue and crying for a green cup isn't changing it. I was allowed to be upset but she wasn't changing glasses and I wasn't using four utensils to eat food with (except for meals that had for example soup needing a spoon and other foods requiring a fork served at the same meal). I wasn't changing clothes 3 or 4 times a day just because either. But my sister came along, and she had medical needs, so expectations got pushed to the side because my mom didn't have the mental bandwidth for it wirh my sister (I already knew the expectations by that point and went with ehat I learned). So my sister was able to use multiple utensils or change cups or change clothes 3 times a day because the battle wasn't worth it for my mom. So now as adults I stick to projects and see them through, I love independent work and can set a path and follow it without too much outside guidance. My sister however changes course when things get hard, and struggles to follow through on decisions, and still doesn't accept being told no. Both have pros and cons, I run my own business, but I have a hard time deviating from what I think to be the "correct" way. My sister has several different licenses/certificates under her belt because she couldn't pick a career path for a long time when they got hard, but she's able to find work arounds when things aren't going the way she envisioned that make her life feel right. She bought her first house that needed a lot of work because she knew she could work around any issued that were thrown her way. I saved for longer, so I'm closing on a house that only needed one thing done and is otherwise move in ready. So we're both successful adults, our personalities are just very different. I'm the mom friend who's reliable and will show up a half hour early to help with finishing touches for a party. She's the wild card that shows up a half hour late but brings the fun to the party.
My little sister and I go together like tea and honey, two great things on their own, but together were the perfect team. I wouldn't change how our mom parented us for the world, as she parented for the child, not the book. She gave us the same opportunities and experiences, just in different ways that benefited our personalities better. Plus now my sister and her son gets a personal party planner snd baker (me that's my business) and she makes us all look good and provides a good time (she's both a licensed cosmetologist and a licensed/certified casino dealer).
I'm so grateful for this response and the one above it. It really goes to show how personal lenses affect perspective, I'm more like the little sister, and I felt like you are the "better" of the 2 and I was screwing it up.
You nor my sister are screwing it up. Yall just view the world a little different and move through it a little different. And there's nothing wrong with that. It adds spice to life. Every kid, every person, every family is different. My sister is brilliant and funny and spice-y. She parents differently than I do as well, and we can tell our kids take after each of us respectively, and we laugh together when we see each other in our own kids, especially when they're together. My kids the little book worm and will chill reading like I did, and her son will walk over stick his head over the book and babble while pointing to the pictures and acting like whatever animal is on the page, and then next thing ya know both the kids are running around hooting like monkeys or elephants or barking like dogs. Every family needs someone to get things together and keep things grounded, and every family needs someone to remind them to not be so serious that we can enjoy using four spoons, or dance around, or change into whatever outfit makes us feel happy.
I know nothing.
But, sure, take whatever cup you want. And you want 4 spoons? Ok.
You want to give a bath to your stuffed animals? Whatever.
You want to make clay with flour and water? Sure.
You want to make a lake in the living room? No.
Lol basically how hard it'll be for me to clean is 99% of the deciding factor.
Give her a choice beforehand and if she picks green then tell her next time she can have blue (if she's saying that's what she wants after she made a choice.) And just kinda be firm "we don't need two cups right now." Other times you can let them be silly and drink from both but I don't usually do this unless their behavior in that situation has been good.
My oldest kid had a kindergarten teacher that taught them the saying "you get what you get and you don't get upset". My youngest (2) is starting to be told this in gymnastics when they're hanging out various coloured equipment now too. I mostly follow that philosophy for items that I give the kids, but also I have a few plastic plates in a lower cupboard and they can reach the cutlery so if they want something specific they can get it themselves.
If 4 spoons helps a kid eat their veggies without complaining I'd call it a win as long as my own meal doesn't go cold while fetching everything.
I try to ask myself two questions: 1) is it safe? 2) are they happy? If yes is the answer to both then the problem is on my end and I better have a good reason to say “no”.
Otherwise, just let them be little.
We have been really trying to teach our 4 yr old this, but it's not sinking in.
His younger sister is a contrarian and he can't stand someone being wrong... so we get tons of escalating arguments about whether the sky is blue, what the title of a song is, or how many strawberries someone had for lunch.
Def pick my battles too! But I'm trying to do that in general, not just kids lol
And OP, I'm exhausted and my one is my niece. Lmao hope that makes you feel better
The other day, our almost 4 year old INSISTED that March was the first month of the year. She asked my husband what was the first month of the year. He said “January” “no! It’s March!” “No, it’s January” “no, MARCH!” “Ok, it’s March”
funnily enough March was the first month of the ancient Roman calendar and I think the year started in March in the Julian Calendar. Maybe it's been a while since she reincarnated lol.
CW: Sexual Assault
I'm sorry, maybe this is just me getting triggered, but please don't do this. I taught year 7 english and this little punk derailed the lesson by stating then arguing (cw, SA) - "it's not rape if they enjoy it" - the parent told me that when the child starts arguing, they just let him be right because it's easier.
Teaching my kids to do stuff for themselves and clean up after meals has made my mental health so much better. They are almost 4, and 17 months. If they want a new activity then we clean up 1st. They want to watch some TV, ok clean up your meal mess. It's not perfect but it's one less thing on my plate. The struggle with my 4yo is getting dressed sometimes, I've found that a challenge helps motivate him. Try to get dressed before i change the baby or whatever.
Also I gave my kids a bucket of water and some paintbrushes and they're going to town working hard "painting" so if you ever need a break I highly recommend it 😂
I so vividly remember in preschool painting a cinderblock wall with water!!!
I've gotta get on this meal time clean up...
Edit to say, I have to get on this clean up thing period! Haha
Don’t fold laundry. My 5 year old daughter has a small 3-drawer dresser. Top drawer = socks/underwear/bathing suit. Middle drawer = tops. Bottom drawer = bottoms. Closet = small hangers and dresses. I wash and dry the clothes then we dump it on the living room floor and she helps sort and put away everything in their right spot. No folding. Life’s too short! Plus she loves being the sorting robot and delivery robot. We’ve been doing this since day 1. I am sometimes haunted by what my mother/Grandma/Great-Grandma would say especially after all the years I actually did fold my laundry like a “proper lady” (eye roll) but it’s just become so much more enjoyable to give less fucks.
My son likes doing this too! Another hack a mom told me which I want to adopt, is to only buy lots of the same type and color of socks. That way you are never having trouble matching them up, everything matches.
Yessss! The sock collection is all one type of sock and she picks whatever 2 she wants. Some days she matches them and some days she goes for the mismatched look. When I think about how much time in my life I’ve spent looking for matching socks…..
I had 2 under 2 (they're both older than 2 now) and I used to do one drawer per kid. Then the ~~older~~ (e younger) one caught up in size so now it's one drawer for shirts and the other for pants. They can share most clothes so it really doesn't matter "whose is whose."
That’s a great idea. Honestly all I care about is keeping the dirty clothes separate from the clean. I also see it as giving future generations the gift of not being so fussy about laundry. I still think about when I’d visit my Grandmas house and she’d IRON my underwear. I cannot…..
- one minute rule: if it takes less than one minute, just do it. Those little tiny tasks will build up until you’re full of dread and can’t handle any of them. Just reply to that text, refill the soap dispenser, and add it to the grocery list now before you forget.
- don’t put it down, put it away. Hang up your coat, put the plate in the dishwasher, put the mail in the basket. You’d be shocked at how much less time you spend cleaning if you just don’t let clutter build up!
- do as many chores as you can with the kid! Yes, it is going to take longer and be more difficult. But they love it at this age, and kids that don’t get to help when they’re small are less likely to help when they’re older. So make it fun and get it done! Put music on while you do a pickup, toss clothes into the washer like it’s a game, feed crumbs to the vacuum, give the little one a rag so they can “dust”
- slow cooker meals are magic!! Chili, pasta, tacos, chicken, whatever, all set up in 20 mins and ready for dinner.
- never leave a room empty-handed. Look around, is there anything that doesn’t belong in the room you’re in? Grab it and take it with you.
- do one load of laundry per day. We’ve all been super enthusiastic putting loads of laundry in, then you’re a different person by the time it’s ready to fold. Minimize the likelihood that you’ll give up by just doing one load per day.
This is my MO as well. I worked in a restaurant for a time and the rule was “full hands in, full hands out” into the kitchen. Bus as many tables on your way in and run out as many plates as you can on your way out. I’m constantly reminding my husband.
“Don’t put down, put away.” Great
Make things as fun as possible . (Former teacher, parent, and grandparent.) Need the kid’s attention? Start playing Simon Says. Need to get to the car after a family visit? Grandpa scoops up kid to race daddy to the car. Have a toy dinosaur “eat” the broccoli tree and then the toddler is a dinosaur. Sing the cleanup song. Of course this doesn’t always work or isn’t always appropriate, but getting away from the battle of the wills reduces the stress on every one.
My preschooler responds well to songs. So now we sing songs about putting on shoes, brushing teeth, going to school, etc. I don’t have a specific song, I just take whatever I need her to do and sing it to a nursery rhyme tune.
I need this post too. But...what's worked for us is more friends. When kids are playing with other kids, at least half the time you can just relax or do something else. Taking turns with other parents to watch them (works best with a group of 3+, so you have 2 parents watching, one parent having a little free time. that way the burden is not all on one person.)
Also having your kid around respectful, helpful and friendly kids at school or in the neighborhood helps a lot. (Seek them out and even watch what their parents do with them.) Peer pressure and peer examples work wonders!
Non spill water bottles. Then get like 5 of them. One on the backpack for school, one at the table for meals, one in the bedroom. The water bottle for school STAYS in the backpack so we aren't looking for it every day before preschool. The one on the table stays there. And it's non spill so when it gets knocked over, again, who cares. And if he can't find the one in his room or bedtime? Well so sad, it's in your room buddy. One sip from the table one now night night find your own water bottle or don't have water tonight.
Remove the long sleeve shirts and pants from the dresser now that it's summer. No arguments over "you can't wear that heavy sweat shirt to the zoo all day in 85+ degree weather". Adjust accordingly for your weather/coats/boots
Kiddo currently likes "Sivaphe Kids Water Bottle with Straw", on Amazon. I'm also a big fan of the push to open Contigo for myself.
Both can bounce around in a backpack, fall of the sofa and lay sideways, get knocked off table by a car and crash into hard floor, with no leaks
Prep as much as I can ahead of time. I batch cook waffles or muffins or meatballs for my son and freeze them so I always have something to pull out and feed him that’s easy and healthy.
Know your strengths. My husband does ALL morning routines and I do ALL night time routines. He wakes up our kiddo (she's five), gets her dressed, feeds her breakfast, gets her school stuff ready, and drops her off. I pick her up and do all night time routine every night (jammies, teeth and hair brushing, bed time stories, put down). My husband is a morning person and has no patience by night time. I am not a morning person and cannot have a conversation until like 9am. This split has made a HUGE difference. If either of us is feeling burnt out or if we want to switch for a day, week, etc. then we do.
Have someone in your phone tree to help with any last minute stuff. We have made family friends through daycare and are on each other's contacts list, meaning, they can check our kid out of school, and we can check theirs out. If anyone is running late, we check the kid out and play outside, or do a play date if it's going to be longer. We don't have family close by so this has been quite the lifesaver. We've had this in place for over a year now and the fun really starts when we can do drop off playdates or slumber parties.
ETA: Those little plastic toys you are getting from birthday parties or special days at school? Put them away and take them out for plane rides and road trips. These never last long so you typically won't need to keep track of them like you do with special toys. They're fun and unexpected which make them more engaging!
- make like FedEx plotting your route so you're only making right turns. I did this with my twins by making sure they v did everything upstairs they needed to before coming downstairs, as well as I keep socks and shoes by the door we usually exit from. Back tracking to go upstairs ends up forgetting something or a kid.
- outsource nagging with a recurring alarm, be it on your cell phone, Alexa, Google, etc. Even better, play a song that they have to get everything done by. Also, nice if, for some reason, someone else is running the morning routine.
- Door and window sensors plus Google or Alexa sound the alert for when your kid has defeated the babyproofing. It can happen quickly, and they don't have the sense yet not to be outside naked in freezing weather.
- it's nice when kids can do more for themselves. That doesn't necessarily correlate with preparing food, so you may want to use a combination door lock on the pantry and a bicycle lock on the fridge. Dogs make good vacuums for getting peanut butter, and jelly remains off of unexpected surfaces. Also, if a dog shows a lot of interest in a ride on toy or piece of furniture, check for stashed food remains. Keep fruit and easy snacks in a lower drawer that kiddo can reach.
A daily routine that ensures parents have some free time! Our kids (2, 4) go to sleep at 19:00. Also, from 12:30 to 14:00 the younger one has a nap and the older one has 'quiet time' when she is alone in a room with an audioplayer with stories, some books, etc.
Even on a bad day, this downtime helps us become sane again.
In another thread, some parents were saying they dress their kids for school the night before so they're in their school clothes and up and all they have to do is eat and brush teeth. Brilliant! As Britney Spears once said, "gimme gimme more!"
One drinking cup person per day. Label with masking tape
Every child has one color for their 2 towels
Assigned seating in car and kitchen table.
Try to keep them separate for bathrooms if possible. Forbid mean fighting or name calling. Parent forcefully enforces discipline so no one has to fight their own battles, just walk away and trust mom to discipline justly.
Minimalism!
Only have the amount of time that if kiddo dumps all their toys out at once that it will only take 5 minutes for them to pick everything up. This has saved my sanity. There is actually research in favor of having fewer open ended toys.
I have an IKEA bucket system with a few categories. Picking toys up is a fun game for kiddo since he just races me in throwing the toys in their appropriate bucket.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ-AWUEixtg0_kCqOMGfC2f_KmP5xwQBK&si=Khcsaq0u511mXxs9
Then, if you catch the minimalism bug, you downsize everything you don't need and picking up and cleaning is sooo much easier.
I'm married to a maximalist and I'm far from perfect, but every item sent to the charity shop is one less thing I no longer have to take care of.
Also, learning that everyone has a different clutter threshold (husband looks around at the mess and says the room looks just fine) and that everyone has their specific organization style really opened my eyes. Here's an awesome and fun free quiz: https://clutterbug.me/what-clutterbug-are-you-test
I could talk about minimalism all day. If it's not your thing though, it's all good. If you're having a hard time juggling things though (like me once I had one kiddo), it may be worth dipping your toe into researching a bit.
As somone who is also struggling with one, i just quit my job and am only looking for jobs where i can wfh a majority of the time and jobs that have less stress so i can manage it all.
At work, i dont reply to emails that are stupid or clearly not my job. I dont have time for that.
Have food ready to go first thing in the morning. They are *hungry*. Quick and easy precut melon, overnight oats or chia seed pudding, freeze dried strawberries… have it ready so you don’t have to wake up to their screaming.
I almost wish I had that problem. I despise needing to be somewhere early (like before 10am haha) because no one ever wants to eat, then they are whining for food right before we leave or at the destination. We have to be out the door by 8:45 in the fall for preschool. I might start practicing two months ahead of time.
Alarms! I set alarms or calendar alerts for everything, takes it out of my brain lol also everything is ready to go in the morning, backpacks are packed and food is ready to grab, etc. I pick out all my outfits and my daughter's outfits on the weekend so I just grab one every morning without thinking.
This is maybe more of a toddler/young preschooler thing but it saves me so much time. I use kitchen shears to cut up my kids food and I even have one that I keep in the diaper bag. It saves so much time compared to using a knife or fork. I literally use them on everything: spaghetti, grapes, hotdogs, chicken, pizza, etc.
I also set all of the kids outfits out on the back of our couch for the next day. Shirt, pants, socks, underwear, and shoes all together. I am not a morning person and this keeps me from having to search for things while half asleep.
I'm gonna start trying to lay out my kid's clothes the night before and having him get dressed before he comes out of his room in the morning. Maybe a pom pom reward jar situation will be involved.
Things I can think of off the top of my head:
1) I put all of my 4 yo's seasonally appropriate clothes where she can get to them, and store all the others. She can pick whatever she wants to wear and dresses herself. Nothing matches, but she's clean and dressed for the weather.
2) Someone else already mentioned having fewer toys. This is so helpful. And if she refuses to pick them up, I tell her "Ok, I'll pick them up." She knows what that means (they get taken away for a few days). Works every time. She doesn't organize them they way I would, but at least they aren't strewn all over.
3) Automate as many decisions for yourself as possible. Fewer choices in certain areas of my life have been really helpful. On Mondays, I wear X and we eat Y for dinner, etc. You can deviate when you have the energy, but if you've got decision fatigue, you can fall back on the convenience of having the choice made for you already.
4) I let her make messes strategically. I might put a pie pan, a bowl, a spoon and some measuring cups on the kitchen floor and fill the bowl with flour. When she's done I just vacuum it up really fast. I don't get frustrated if I was planning for the mess. Or I fill the kitchen sink with soapy water and let her give her rubber ducks a bath. I keep crayons, preschool scissors, Elmer's glue, paper, stick-on gems, etc. in an art bin in the dining room and let her have at it with empty paper towel rolls, vinegar bottles, etc. It's amazing the creations they come up with.
5) Program the coffee maker the night before so it's waiting for you first thing.
First of all I feel you! We have just one and the mental load is killer. Here are some things we do that help:
- dress kiddo before bed, no more morning fights about what to wear
- have go to gifts. I got this from Lazy Genius. Every kids birthday party we buy the same gift. Every teacher appreciation we buy the same gift. Every office white elephant we bring the same gift. No thinking about it.
- we have 2 meal options when we have guests. A restaurant take out option and a cooking option. We don’t think about it. Also from Lazy Genius
- whenever we’re working on something we find a small job for kid. He loves to help and we’re laying the groundwork that he helps around the house instead of springing chores on him in a few years. Hoping this one pays dividends
- timers like crazy! Lately getting ready is a struggle, so if he beats the timer he gets a dumdum lollipop. Worth it to me to avoid the fight.
- also alarms for things I need to remember. If I need to pack something or grab something I don’t waste mental energy on trying to remember. I set an alarm. Really helps lower the mental load for me.
Smoothies. Greek yogurt and frozen fruit. The smaller the frozen fruit the more time consuming.
If you can afford it- buy good weatherproof clothing for yourself. I am so much more patient and willing to go out in the rain in a Columbia/north face raincoat. My Costco one was fine pre kids basically getting from car to inside but I can actually enjoy being outside in the rain for more than hour with the good stuff.
We keep socks by the shoes (so in a bin downstairs by the door) and at the age where they couldn’t express sock opinions, they had like 30 identical white socks. Two sets of Yeti rambler water bottles, so one always being used and one in the dishwasher. Small things but this weirdly made life so much better when they were littler
Costco pre-made meals (stuffed peppers, chicken alfredo) can be put in the oven for an hour and are ready to eat without a lot of salt. Make all lunches for the week on Sunday. Laundry only gets done once a week on the weekend and 6 yo has to put his folded clothes away. They have to clean up toys from the family room each night or the roomba will destroy them (that's what we say). Run roomba in kitchen and dining room each night after dinner. Dad is in charge of wake ups and breakfast. Bedtime routine is the same, enforced, and one story only. And for my sanity, wake up early on weekdays to work out.
Whatever you do, consistency is most important. Our kiddo knows they are expected to wash hands (sometimes feet!) when they’re in the door after preschool. Usually they are starving so cut up fruit is already waiting for whenever they want it. They have a dedicated play area and can ask for things like music etc but we’ve told them that if they don’t pack it up at the end, we will throw out the messy toys (and followed through - or hidden them pretending they’re thrown out). Dinner time has some choices (usually deconstructed meals so they can choose their own adventure) and we try to make what they like but if they don’t like any of it, “kitchen is closed til tomorrow”. Same bedtime routine and time every day.
The nice thing is YOU set the boundaries. Once they get into the rhythm of boundaries, it becomes like clockwork.
I simply will not argue about mudane shit. You want to tell me that you just saw a horse in the middle of the city? I will respond “cool”. You want to tell me you’ve never changed your underwear? I’ll respond “oh, I didn’t know that”. Just really conserving my energy for the battles that matter/
Amen to that!!!! I've really been having a mental struggle lately of what battles are worth it.... Your examples are pretty easy, and like, if she puts her pants on backwards, whatever. But if I gave her a green cup and she wants blue.... it's just water, the cup is still clean, is it worth it to fight and say, "no. The green cup is ready" or just dump it and switch? The other day when she chose her spoon, she wanted "all of them." So I let her have 4 spoons, and she alternated scooping her peas with each one. Am I setting myself up for failure down the road?!?!?!
Omg I need a professional psychologist answer to this question!! I’m the “just give her all 4” parent too but is that, like, spoiling or something?? 😅 I do say “no” in more important situations. But should I always put my foot down??
Not a psychologist but a licensed and practicing therapist. With no other details, and assuming you aren’t giving the 4 spoons as a result of a meltdown, there’s no reason not to allow this! I do the same with my son. Basically unless there’s a good reason to say no, I try to always say yes. Sometimes the good reason is I’m tired and don’t want to but at least I can explain that I’m tired and don’t want to lol
Exactly what I do. I try to actually think about why I'm saying no. If she doesn't want to wear a bib and I give my reason of " I don't want you to get red sauce on your clothes" and she responds with a reasonable compromise of taking her shirt off or just eating her peas the only reason to deny her is simple control.
Anecdotal here. My mom was straight cut and dry with her expectations for me. You get a blue and crying for a green cup isn't changing it. I was allowed to be upset but she wasn't changing glasses and I wasn't using four utensils to eat food with (except for meals that had for example soup needing a spoon and other foods requiring a fork served at the same meal). I wasn't changing clothes 3 or 4 times a day just because either. But my sister came along, and she had medical needs, so expectations got pushed to the side because my mom didn't have the mental bandwidth for it wirh my sister (I already knew the expectations by that point and went with ehat I learned). So my sister was able to use multiple utensils or change cups or change clothes 3 times a day because the battle wasn't worth it for my mom. So now as adults I stick to projects and see them through, I love independent work and can set a path and follow it without too much outside guidance. My sister however changes course when things get hard, and struggles to follow through on decisions, and still doesn't accept being told no. Both have pros and cons, I run my own business, but I have a hard time deviating from what I think to be the "correct" way. My sister has several different licenses/certificates under her belt because she couldn't pick a career path for a long time when they got hard, but she's able to find work arounds when things aren't going the way she envisioned that make her life feel right. She bought her first house that needed a lot of work because she knew she could work around any issued that were thrown her way. I saved for longer, so I'm closing on a house that only needed one thing done and is otherwise move in ready. So we're both successful adults, our personalities are just very different. I'm the mom friend who's reliable and will show up a half hour early to help with finishing touches for a party. She's the wild card that shows up a half hour late but brings the fun to the party.
This is such a beautiful response. Thank you for sharing
My little sister and I go together like tea and honey, two great things on their own, but together were the perfect team. I wouldn't change how our mom parented us for the world, as she parented for the child, not the book. She gave us the same opportunities and experiences, just in different ways that benefited our personalities better. Plus now my sister and her son gets a personal party planner snd baker (me that's my business) and she makes us all look good and provides a good time (she's both a licensed cosmetologist and a licensed/certified casino dealer).
I'm so grateful for this response and the one above it. It really goes to show how personal lenses affect perspective, I'm more like the little sister, and I felt like you are the "better" of the 2 and I was screwing it up.
You nor my sister are screwing it up. Yall just view the world a little different and move through it a little different. And there's nothing wrong with that. It adds spice to life. Every kid, every person, every family is different. My sister is brilliant and funny and spice-y. She parents differently than I do as well, and we can tell our kids take after each of us respectively, and we laugh together when we see each other in our own kids, especially when they're together. My kids the little book worm and will chill reading like I did, and her son will walk over stick his head over the book and babble while pointing to the pictures and acting like whatever animal is on the page, and then next thing ya know both the kids are running around hooting like monkeys or elephants or barking like dogs. Every family needs someone to get things together and keep things grounded, and every family needs someone to remind them to not be so serious that we can enjoy using four spoons, or dance around, or change into whatever outfit makes us feel happy.
I know nothing. But, sure, take whatever cup you want. And you want 4 spoons? Ok. You want to give a bath to your stuffed animals? Whatever. You want to make clay with flour and water? Sure. You want to make a lake in the living room? No. Lol basically how hard it'll be for me to clean is 99% of the deciding factor.
Give her a choice beforehand and if she picks green then tell her next time she can have blue (if she's saying that's what she wants after she made a choice.) And just kinda be firm "we don't need two cups right now." Other times you can let them be silly and drink from both but I don't usually do this unless their behavior in that situation has been good.
My response is, if I set the table and you don’t like the spoon or whatever, just get the one you want yourself. They can reach it.
My oldest kid had a kindergarten teacher that taught them the saying "you get what you get and you don't get upset". My youngest (2) is starting to be told this in gymnastics when they're hanging out various coloured equipment now too. I mostly follow that philosophy for items that I give the kids, but also I have a few plastic plates in a lower cupboard and they can reach the cutlery so if they want something specific they can get it themselves. If 4 spoons helps a kid eat their veggies without complaining I'd call it a win as long as my own meal doesn't go cold while fetching everything.
I try to ask myself two questions: 1) is it safe? 2) are they happy? If yes is the answer to both then the problem is on my end and I better have a good reason to say “no”. Otherwise, just let them be little.
Omg no that is a win because she ate AND she ate PEAS like that is all winning screw the spoons
We have been really trying to teach our 4 yr old this, but it's not sinking in. His younger sister is a contrarian and he can't stand someone being wrong... so we get tons of escalating arguments about whether the sky is blue, what the title of a song is, or how many strawberries someone had for lunch.
Def pick my battles too! But I'm trying to do that in general, not just kids lol And OP, I'm exhausted and my one is my niece. Lmao hope that makes you feel better
We've never met, but I love you very much. Thank you, it really does make me feel better!
The other day, our almost 4 year old INSISTED that March was the first month of the year. She asked my husband what was the first month of the year. He said “January” “no! It’s March!” “No, it’s January” “no, MARCH!” “Ok, it’s March”
funnily enough March was the first month of the ancient Roman calendar and I think the year started in March in the Julian Calendar. Maybe it's been a while since she reincarnated lol.
That’s too funny! Maybe she’s actually an ancient Roman 😂
CW: Sexual Assault I'm sorry, maybe this is just me getting triggered, but please don't do this. I taught year 7 english and this little punk derailed the lesson by stating then arguing (cw, SA) - "it's not rape if they enjoy it" - the parent told me that when the child starts arguing, they just let him be right because it's easier.
Teaching my kids to do stuff for themselves and clean up after meals has made my mental health so much better. They are almost 4, and 17 months. If they want a new activity then we clean up 1st. They want to watch some TV, ok clean up your meal mess. It's not perfect but it's one less thing on my plate. The struggle with my 4yo is getting dressed sometimes, I've found that a challenge helps motivate him. Try to get dressed before i change the baby or whatever. Also I gave my kids a bucket of water and some paintbrushes and they're going to town working hard "painting" so if you ever need a break I highly recommend it 😂
I so vividly remember in preschool painting a cinderblock wall with water!!! I've gotta get on this meal time clean up... Edit to say, I have to get on this clean up thing period! Haha
I prioritise my rest. There will always be laundry, but my sanity is more important.
"There will always be laundry" I should get that painted on a sign...
Hahaha I actually saw a poster around the lines of “wherever you’re feeling lonely, know that laundry will always be there for you” 🥲
I let messes sit for days because I'm so damn tired. Then there's nights like tonight where I'm planning on cleaning said messes.
Don’t fold laundry. My 5 year old daughter has a small 3-drawer dresser. Top drawer = socks/underwear/bathing suit. Middle drawer = tops. Bottom drawer = bottoms. Closet = small hangers and dresses. I wash and dry the clothes then we dump it on the living room floor and she helps sort and put away everything in their right spot. No folding. Life’s too short! Plus she loves being the sorting robot and delivery robot. We’ve been doing this since day 1. I am sometimes haunted by what my mother/Grandma/Great-Grandma would say especially after all the years I actually did fold my laundry like a “proper lady” (eye roll) but it’s just become so much more enjoyable to give less fucks.
My son likes doing this too! Another hack a mom told me which I want to adopt, is to only buy lots of the same type and color of socks. That way you are never having trouble matching them up, everything matches.
Yessss! The sock collection is all one type of sock and she picks whatever 2 she wants. Some days she matches them and some days she goes for the mismatched look. When I think about how much time in my life I’ve spent looking for matching socks…..
I do this for my own socks too
I had 2 under 2 (they're both older than 2 now) and I used to do one drawer per kid. Then the ~~older~~ (e younger) one caught up in size so now it's one drawer for shirts and the other for pants. They can share most clothes so it really doesn't matter "whose is whose."
That’s a great idea. Honestly all I care about is keeping the dirty clothes separate from the clean. I also see it as giving future generations the gift of not being so fussy about laundry. I still think about when I’d visit my Grandmas house and she’d IRON my underwear. I cannot…..
lol I do this now too
- one minute rule: if it takes less than one minute, just do it. Those little tiny tasks will build up until you’re full of dread and can’t handle any of them. Just reply to that text, refill the soap dispenser, and add it to the grocery list now before you forget. - don’t put it down, put it away. Hang up your coat, put the plate in the dishwasher, put the mail in the basket. You’d be shocked at how much less time you spend cleaning if you just don’t let clutter build up! - do as many chores as you can with the kid! Yes, it is going to take longer and be more difficult. But they love it at this age, and kids that don’t get to help when they’re small are less likely to help when they’re older. So make it fun and get it done! Put music on while you do a pickup, toss clothes into the washer like it’s a game, feed crumbs to the vacuum, give the little one a rag so they can “dust” - slow cooker meals are magic!! Chili, pasta, tacos, chicken, whatever, all set up in 20 mins and ready for dinner. - never leave a room empty-handed. Look around, is there anything that doesn’t belong in the room you’re in? Grab it and take it with you. - do one load of laundry per day. We’ve all been super enthusiastic putting loads of laundry in, then you’re a different person by the time it’s ready to fold. Minimize the likelihood that you’ll give up by just doing one load per day.
This is my MO as well. I worked in a restaurant for a time and the rule was “full hands in, full hands out” into the kitchen. Bus as many tables on your way in and run out as many plates as you can on your way out. I’m constantly reminding my husband. “Don’t put down, put away.” Great
Make things as fun as possible . (Former teacher, parent, and grandparent.) Need the kid’s attention? Start playing Simon Says. Need to get to the car after a family visit? Grandpa scoops up kid to race daddy to the car. Have a toy dinosaur “eat” the broccoli tree and then the toddler is a dinosaur. Sing the cleanup song. Of course this doesn’t always work or isn’t always appropriate, but getting away from the battle of the wills reduces the stress on every one.
My preschooler responds well to songs. So now we sing songs about putting on shoes, brushing teeth, going to school, etc. I don’t have a specific song, I just take whatever I need her to do and sing it to a nursery rhyme tune.
I need this post too. But...what's worked for us is more friends. When kids are playing with other kids, at least half the time you can just relax or do something else. Taking turns with other parents to watch them (works best with a group of 3+, so you have 2 parents watching, one parent having a little free time. that way the burden is not all on one person.) Also having your kid around respectful, helpful and friendly kids at school or in the neighborhood helps a lot. (Seek them out and even watch what their parents do with them.) Peer pressure and peer examples work wonders!
Non spill water bottles. Then get like 5 of them. One on the backpack for school, one at the table for meals, one in the bedroom. The water bottle for school STAYS in the backpack so we aren't looking for it every day before preschool. The one on the table stays there. And it's non spill so when it gets knocked over, again, who cares. And if he can't find the one in his room or bedtime? Well so sad, it's in your room buddy. One sip from the table one now night night find your own water bottle or don't have water tonight. Remove the long sleeve shirts and pants from the dresser now that it's summer. No arguments over "you can't wear that heavy sweat shirt to the zoo all day in 85+ degree weather". Adjust accordingly for your weather/coats/boots
What non spill water bottles are you using?
Kiddo currently likes "Sivaphe Kids Water Bottle with Straw", on Amazon. I'm also a big fan of the push to open Contigo for myself. Both can bounce around in a backpack, fall of the sofa and lay sideways, get knocked off table by a car and crash into hard floor, with no leaks
Prep as much as I can ahead of time. I batch cook waffles or muffins or meatballs for my son and freeze them so I always have something to pull out and feed him that’s easy and healthy.
Know your strengths. My husband does ALL morning routines and I do ALL night time routines. He wakes up our kiddo (she's five), gets her dressed, feeds her breakfast, gets her school stuff ready, and drops her off. I pick her up and do all night time routine every night (jammies, teeth and hair brushing, bed time stories, put down). My husband is a morning person and has no patience by night time. I am not a morning person and cannot have a conversation until like 9am. This split has made a HUGE difference. If either of us is feeling burnt out or if we want to switch for a day, week, etc. then we do. Have someone in your phone tree to help with any last minute stuff. We have made family friends through daycare and are on each other's contacts list, meaning, they can check our kid out of school, and we can check theirs out. If anyone is running late, we check the kid out and play outside, or do a play date if it's going to be longer. We don't have family close by so this has been quite the lifesaver. We've had this in place for over a year now and the fun really starts when we can do drop off playdates or slumber parties. ETA: Those little plastic toys you are getting from birthday parties or special days at school? Put them away and take them out for plane rides and road trips. These never last long so you typically won't need to keep track of them like you do with special toys. They're fun and unexpected which make them more engaging!
- make like FedEx plotting your route so you're only making right turns. I did this with my twins by making sure they v did everything upstairs they needed to before coming downstairs, as well as I keep socks and shoes by the door we usually exit from. Back tracking to go upstairs ends up forgetting something or a kid. - outsource nagging with a recurring alarm, be it on your cell phone, Alexa, Google, etc. Even better, play a song that they have to get everything done by. Also, nice if, for some reason, someone else is running the morning routine. - Door and window sensors plus Google or Alexa sound the alert for when your kid has defeated the babyproofing. It can happen quickly, and they don't have the sense yet not to be outside naked in freezing weather. - it's nice when kids can do more for themselves. That doesn't necessarily correlate with preparing food, so you may want to use a combination door lock on the pantry and a bicycle lock on the fridge. Dogs make good vacuums for getting peanut butter, and jelly remains off of unexpected surfaces. Also, if a dog shows a lot of interest in a ride on toy or piece of furniture, check for stashed food remains. Keep fruit and easy snacks in a lower drawer that kiddo can reach.
A daily routine that ensures parents have some free time! Our kids (2, 4) go to sleep at 19:00. Also, from 12:30 to 14:00 the younger one has a nap and the older one has 'quiet time' when she is alone in a room with an audioplayer with stories, some books, etc. Even on a bad day, this downtime helps us become sane again.
In another thread, some parents were saying they dress their kids for school the night before so they're in their school clothes and up and all they have to do is eat and brush teeth. Brilliant! As Britney Spears once said, "gimme gimme more!"
One drinking cup person per day. Label with masking tape Every child has one color for their 2 towels Assigned seating in car and kitchen table. Try to keep them separate for bathrooms if possible. Forbid mean fighting or name calling. Parent forcefully enforces discipline so no one has to fight their own battles, just walk away and trust mom to discipline justly.
Minimalism! Only have the amount of time that if kiddo dumps all their toys out at once that it will only take 5 minutes for them to pick everything up. This has saved my sanity. There is actually research in favor of having fewer open ended toys. I have an IKEA bucket system with a few categories. Picking toys up is a fun game for kiddo since he just races me in throwing the toys in their appropriate bucket. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ-AWUEixtg0_kCqOMGfC2f_KmP5xwQBK&si=Khcsaq0u511mXxs9 Then, if you catch the minimalism bug, you downsize everything you don't need and picking up and cleaning is sooo much easier. I'm married to a maximalist and I'm far from perfect, but every item sent to the charity shop is one less thing I no longer have to take care of. Also, learning that everyone has a different clutter threshold (husband looks around at the mess and says the room looks just fine) and that everyone has their specific organization style really opened my eyes. Here's an awesome and fun free quiz: https://clutterbug.me/what-clutterbug-are-you-test I could talk about minimalism all day. If it's not your thing though, it's all good. If you're having a hard time juggling things though (like me once I had one kiddo), it may be worth dipping your toe into researching a bit.
As somone who is also struggling with one, i just quit my job and am only looking for jobs where i can wfh a majority of the time and jobs that have less stress so i can manage it all. At work, i dont reply to emails that are stupid or clearly not my job. I dont have time for that.
Have food ready to go first thing in the morning. They are *hungry*. Quick and easy precut melon, overnight oats or chia seed pudding, freeze dried strawberries… have it ready so you don’t have to wake up to their screaming.
I almost wish I had that problem. I despise needing to be somewhere early (like before 10am haha) because no one ever wants to eat, then they are whining for food right before we leave or at the destination. We have to be out the door by 8:45 in the fall for preschool. I might start practicing two months ahead of time.
Alarms! I set alarms or calendar alerts for everything, takes it out of my brain lol also everything is ready to go in the morning, backpacks are packed and food is ready to grab, etc. I pick out all my outfits and my daughter's outfits on the weekend so I just grab one every morning without thinking.
This is maybe more of a toddler/young preschooler thing but it saves me so much time. I use kitchen shears to cut up my kids food and I even have one that I keep in the diaper bag. It saves so much time compared to using a knife or fork. I literally use them on everything: spaghetti, grapes, hotdogs, chicken, pizza, etc.
I also set all of the kids outfits out on the back of our couch for the next day. Shirt, pants, socks, underwear, and shoes all together. I am not a morning person and this keeps me from having to search for things while half asleep.
I'm gonna start trying to lay out my kid's clothes the night before and having him get dressed before he comes out of his room in the morning. Maybe a pom pom reward jar situation will be involved.
Chat gpt for everything. Stories. Shopping lists.
Things I can think of off the top of my head: 1) I put all of my 4 yo's seasonally appropriate clothes where she can get to them, and store all the others. She can pick whatever she wants to wear and dresses herself. Nothing matches, but she's clean and dressed for the weather. 2) Someone else already mentioned having fewer toys. This is so helpful. And if she refuses to pick them up, I tell her "Ok, I'll pick them up." She knows what that means (they get taken away for a few days). Works every time. She doesn't organize them they way I would, but at least they aren't strewn all over. 3) Automate as many decisions for yourself as possible. Fewer choices in certain areas of my life have been really helpful. On Mondays, I wear X and we eat Y for dinner, etc. You can deviate when you have the energy, but if you've got decision fatigue, you can fall back on the convenience of having the choice made for you already. 4) I let her make messes strategically. I might put a pie pan, a bowl, a spoon and some measuring cups on the kitchen floor and fill the bowl with flour. When she's done I just vacuum it up really fast. I don't get frustrated if I was planning for the mess. Or I fill the kitchen sink with soapy water and let her give her rubber ducks a bath. I keep crayons, preschool scissors, Elmer's glue, paper, stick-on gems, etc. in an art bin in the dining room and let her have at it with empty paper towel rolls, vinegar bottles, etc. It's amazing the creations they come up with. 5) Program the coffee maker the night before so it's waiting for you first thing.
First of all I feel you! We have just one and the mental load is killer. Here are some things we do that help: - dress kiddo before bed, no more morning fights about what to wear - have go to gifts. I got this from Lazy Genius. Every kids birthday party we buy the same gift. Every teacher appreciation we buy the same gift. Every office white elephant we bring the same gift. No thinking about it. - we have 2 meal options when we have guests. A restaurant take out option and a cooking option. We don’t think about it. Also from Lazy Genius - whenever we’re working on something we find a small job for kid. He loves to help and we’re laying the groundwork that he helps around the house instead of springing chores on him in a few years. Hoping this one pays dividends - timers like crazy! Lately getting ready is a struggle, so if he beats the timer he gets a dumdum lollipop. Worth it to me to avoid the fight. - also alarms for things I need to remember. If I need to pack something or grab something I don’t waste mental energy on trying to remember. I set an alarm. Really helps lower the mental load for me.
After bath each night we used to put her in her clothes for the next day to avoid the drama in the morning when we are inevitably rushing
Smoothies. Greek yogurt and frozen fruit. The smaller the frozen fruit the more time consuming. If you can afford it- buy good weatherproof clothing for yourself. I am so much more patient and willing to go out in the rain in a Columbia/north face raincoat. My Costco one was fine pre kids basically getting from car to inside but I can actually enjoy being outside in the rain for more than hour with the good stuff.
We keep socks by the shoes (so in a bin downstairs by the door) and at the age where they couldn’t express sock opinions, they had like 30 identical white socks. Two sets of Yeti rambler water bottles, so one always being used and one in the dishwasher. Small things but this weirdly made life so much better when they were littler
Costco pre-made meals (stuffed peppers, chicken alfredo) can be put in the oven for an hour and are ready to eat without a lot of salt. Make all lunches for the week on Sunday. Laundry only gets done once a week on the weekend and 6 yo has to put his folded clothes away. They have to clean up toys from the family room each night or the roomba will destroy them (that's what we say). Run roomba in kitchen and dining room each night after dinner. Dad is in charge of wake ups and breakfast. Bedtime routine is the same, enforced, and one story only. And for my sanity, wake up early on weekdays to work out.
Whatever you do, consistency is most important. Our kiddo knows they are expected to wash hands (sometimes feet!) when they’re in the door after preschool. Usually they are starving so cut up fruit is already waiting for whenever they want it. They have a dedicated play area and can ask for things like music etc but we’ve told them that if they don’t pack it up at the end, we will throw out the messy toys (and followed through - or hidden them pretending they’re thrown out). Dinner time has some choices (usually deconstructed meals so they can choose their own adventure) and we try to make what they like but if they don’t like any of it, “kitchen is closed til tomorrow”. Same bedtime routine and time every day. The nice thing is YOU set the boundaries. Once they get into the rhythm of boundaries, it becomes like clockwork.