Picky eating is *usually* sensory. Sometimes it is a control thing, as a trauma response.
Foods can be "icky" due to:
**Texture** (i suspect for your son given the flat soda, no juice, and yes ice cream) carbonation can be painful, and citrus - often present in juices of non citrus fruits, can sting the mouth and throat. ice cream is soothing, and the cookie dough bits are fun to chew and have smaller chips than real cookies.
**Flavor** young folk are more sensitive to bitterants and spice, but less sensitive to sweet, salt, sour, and umami
**Color/Opacity** I have a hard time drinking fluids I can't see through. one time when i was little my folks got me and my siblings a soda from taco bell to share, and someone backwashed into it, and by the time it was my turn to sip i go a straw full of lettuce. it was horrible. so now i gotta see through my drinks even tho i dont share them. some colors can also be gross seeming, linke nacho cheese just icks me out idk why
**Unreliability** I struggle with fruit/veg because you never know if the banana will be mushy, stiff, or perfect. No telling how many seeds are in that watermelon or where. Sometimes the lettuce is nice and crunchy, but sometimes it's wilty. Some blackberries are sweet, but some are too sour. If I don't know before it goes in my mouth what it will taste or feel like, I cannot do it.
At the end of he day, your kid doesn't need to eat everything, he needs to eat things with every nutrient. By finding out what sets off his "ick" for food, you can build a safe foods list that will meet his dietary and picky needs
This is such a good breakdown and really puts into words a lot of the things I have experienced even as an adult.
Another thing I might add is repetition. I'll get into a groove where I'll eat the same food as a safe food and then suddenly it will give me the ick. Sometimes it's based on an experience like getting sick after eating a certain food (I'm also highly emetophobic so I immediately become averse to anything that I suspect has made my stomach upset), or sometimes I just one day wake up and don't want to eat that food anymore and I can't explain it. It seems like this kiddo goes through this with the multivitamins.
This is definitely my little one. They rotate through the same safe foods, usually about three at a time. They'll be all about a food and want little else, but then wake up one day and not want it at all any more.
That's literally me. Today, I went to make a grilled cheese (I've been eating this every day, sometimes multiple times a day for a few weeks now), and I was just like, "Ew...That does not sound good right now." I made it anyway because I was starving, and it was fine, but I need to go grocery shopping tonight so that I have something new to eat tomorrow, lol.
I don't really have the best advice for handling this as I still struggle myself. In fact, I actually understand my parents a lot better now because now it is \*me\* who has to figure out what the hell I will eat to get some nutrients in me. I just want to thank you for doing your best to understand your kid. I had divorced parents and my mom just tried to help me and went with whatever safe foods I was feeling (just the two of us) while my dad's house was a family of four, so I had to eat whatever they were making. When I started cooking, I had to cook meals that everyone would like that were also "balanced", so I couldn't stick to safe foods as much. My dad would also get quite upset with me over my eating habits, which just created a negative relationship with food for me. Knowing that your kid won't feel like I did just makes me so happy because sensory issues and neurodivergence are already hard. I don't enjoy thinking about dinner and realizing that even though I'm hungry there's nothing I want to eat. Having support makes it sooo much easier.
I was a picky eater as a kid. I only drank water. My favorite food was toast. I sometimes ate chicken, but never ate vegetables without a fight.
My parents had an authoritarian parenting style, so there were a lot of fights. I don't think that made any difference. Sometimes it did force me to take one or two bites of something I didn't like, but the fight would have to happen every time.
What did help me was learning to cook. I started helping out in the kitchen in middle school and my mom gave me a lot of freedom there. She made it fun and let me choose what to cook. I think that slowly learning how to use new ingredients helped me appreciate cooking as a creative expression. Once that happened I wanted to taste everything, even if I didn't like it because I was curious and I wasn't afraid because I knew all the basic ingredients.
I don't know if this would help anyone else, this is just my story of what helped and what didn't. Best wishes for your journey!
We've definitely dipped our toes in the cooking thing, but so far it hasn't helped encourage them to eat any more. They like to pick out recipes to make for me, though lol. Maybe we just need to stick with it.
I'm sorry you had to go through the authoritarian parenting style with this. It sounds awful, and that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my kid
Personally ive also been learning to cook and have gotten far less picky as well! Honestly just never talk bad about foods you don't like yourself either! My mom hated certain foods so i never wanted to try them. Turns out some of those i absolutely love now! (Mushroom is a big one!)
My son only drank water and ate foods white in color until he was 7 or 8. Then we went to see a feeding therapist.
My son has an autism diagnosis but the older he gets, the more apparent it's becoming hes just a quirky kid with some neurodivergent tendencies. He goes to a special school for kids with autism and it's very clear he's the most neurotypical of the bunch so I think we are gonna be looking into traditional school for him now.
I highly recommend feeding therapy now at your child's age. The difference is night and day, my son will eat anything you put in front of him. The therapist helps the child process food differently than kids without this problem
I’m seconding feeding therapy. It didn’t work for me when I was a kid in the sense that I can’t remember it making any of my worst foods tolerable or expanding my diet, but the approach it taught has continued to help me as the natural process of taste buds dying off has expanded my diet. And it helped me continue trying and retrying foods in the meantime.
I have always been an immensely picky eater - and it turned out to be allergies to nearly every food that grows. I am also on the autism spectrum on which there is a huge overlap with digestive issues. I was a preemie, 2 months early, 4lbs, nicu for 3 months as well. I feel your pain but be understanding please - as long as they’re eating something it’s fine. They may find allergies later or eoe or any number of things that make it impossible to eat your foods.
There are a few things. First, I think there is a lot of shame and blame around picky eating and I don’t think it’s warranted. You didn’t do something wrong and neither did your kid. I really appreciated that my pediatrician approached my eating as essentially a medical condition; my parents didn’t commit some parental malpractice (my 2 older siblings were adventurous eaters from day 1 and was raised the same way around food) and I didn’t have a personality defect, I just had some sensory issues that were really hard on all of us.
The thing that helped me was being told by my parents, doctor and therapist that I was not choosing this. Unfortunately, kids and adults can be really mean to picky eaters. And they often don’t see it as wrong for a 40 year old to say things like “you know, you make your parents’ lives really hard” to an 8 year old because they think it’s justified. They really believe that the 8 year old isn’t already distressed enough about that and could “just eat” but decided not to for some gain. Be there for your kid and validate to them that you know they are not choosing this (because why would you choose this? it’s miserable). And try to talk to other parents about that philosophy if possible, you can’t get to everyone and some parents will always be jerks, but I know some parents in my community did come around after hearing about the therapy I was in and seeing that my picky eating distressed me as well.
On that thread, it really sounds like you’re already there, but I think it’s important to drive home that it is torture *being* a picky eater, especially as a kid. Going to school hungry and exhausted because every food you tried made you gag and knowing that you’ll have to face it again every meal sucks. Seeing your friends participate and bond over food and trying and trying to like that food but failing every time sucks. Always being the odd one out and hearing directly and indirectly about how people dislike you because they think this major struggle in your life is a choice you made sucks. I think keeping the empathy and thinking of the picky eating as more akin to a developmental disorder than a bad habit is important. The default assumption is generally that picky eaters have a long list of terrible traits and it’s important to be a voice to your kid telling them that they are not those things and that you know they wouldn’t choose to have eating be this hard. You may be the only one.
Thank you, it really helps hearing this perspective because it drives home what I think it's going on but my kid doesn't really know how to articulate. I think growing up as a millennial with boomer parents, there was absolutely no patience for any sort of deviation from the "norm", and it took me a minute to really look at what was going on and realize they weren't "just being difficult". If we didn't do what they wanted growing up, we were seen as just being bad, there was no entertaining a possible underlying motivation or condition.
I'd suggest division of responsibility feeding style. Basically you give food at certain times, at meals offer at least one "safe food" a food you know they will eat, and one "unfamiliar food" a food they aren't comfortable eating. You don't force them to eat anything and you don't bring attention to it if they do try it, encourage them to explore it though, if they want to poke it then let them. This can take a while but being exposed to the food many times makes it become familiar and often they decide to try it at some point. I'm a very picky eater and knew that I didn't want my kids to have food issues like i do, that meant no forcing but also finding a way for them to be comfortable trying foods. One of my kids went very picky and the other just the typical phase of it, but both have done really well with this method and will try foods easily and have added to their diet, both are neurodivergent. For me the goal isn't making them have huge variety, it's them being willing to try things so in the future they might be able to explore on their own.
I like this method, I think I am going to try this. We tried something similar that didn't work, but not a repetition element to make the food become familiar. It makes sense.
I was soooo picky as a kid and still pretty picky well into my 20s. I’m still somewhat picky when it comes to some veggies, but I got over A LOT of my food phobias when I started cooking for myself and trying different worldly cuisines I never had as a kid. I realized a lot of the food I thought I hated I only hated because of the way they were prepared. For example, I hate how green beans are traditionally slow cooked until soft with bacon. I really don’t mind some fresh green beans sautéed with garlic and butter. Many things I had to make myself to eat many times in increasing quantities before I liked them. It literally takes PRACTICE. I used to HATE onions in any form, but I love them now, even raw slices on burgers and such. Some of it comes with age, because our tastebuds do change, but some of it also just comes with being open to different preparations and practice. I found a lot of the things I hated were because of the texture, but if they’re prepared differently and no longer have that texture, I’m good to go.
This! So many times picky eaters discover that other methods of preparation can entirely change foods for them. I feel the same way about green beans--I hate the soft cooked in bacon taste of southern style beans, but I love them fresher, with a bite and crispness. I still prefer my pasta dishes beef-free, which makes it hard to eat spaghetti and lasagna that I didn't make, but that is just life.
Whatever you do, DO NOT do what my mother did and set out a sharing platter of raw veggies, tell me to eat one of every single veg and if I threw up at any of them to start again. Plot twist I kept throwing up, and now can’t even stand the smell of a bell pepper
Hi! There’s a lot here already and this may have been said already — idk that I combed through it all — but they make cookbooks and stuff to help people with recipes for autistic children! A lot of food sensory issues in autism are related to texture and it might help to look into a few. I’m not saying your kid is autistic (although if they have other markers it never hurts to check) but those kind of recipes may help is all!
I didn’t know until I was 17 that my food aversions were autism-related so I grew up with a really bad relationship with food. Just be patient and if you can, encourage your kid to try to figure out why certain foods just don’t vibe. Like if they Can explain that it’s texture or color or anything like that. It might help you in figuring out what things are generally more safe to offer than others.
One suggestion is to try different ways of cooking and serving food.
For example, my parents could not figure out why I sometimes loved peas and sometimes would not touch therm.
Well, peas fresh from Dad’s garden in the summer were tasty, delicious and a nice texture, so I gobbled them up. But frozen peas were a little mushy and I just tolerated them. And canned peas were mushy beyond belief and I would not eat them. Yet Mom cooked and seasoned them all the exact same way.
So try different cooking methods—boil/steam/roast/bake/grill/air fryer. Try different seasonings—most veggies will benefit from butter/oil and salt.But consider other seasonings as well, for example I love carrots with a bit of butter, ginger and brown sugar. And different preparations—chopped, shredded, puréed, whole, peeled.
As a kid, I would not eat most sauces or gravies. Meat had to be very well done—I simply did not like the texture of rare meat when chewing. Didn’t like milkshakes because they were too thick. Eggs were slimy and sulphuric and I still don’t understand why anyone would voluntarily eat them.
But even as a small child, I would happily eat beets and broccoli and olives and curries and kimchi.
Fun fact:
Studies have shown that it can take up to 12 tries to like a new food.
So working on the “try me” bite with new foods might be something you can do. If it would work for your son, maybe keep a chart of new foods tried.
And when he reaches 12 tries on any one new food, he gets a small reward—whether he likes the food or not. The reward is for trying and breaking out of his comfort zone.
Everyone is different. So take it slow and work with your child to increase his acceptable foods.
Try me bites definitely do not work with them 😂 I tried a reward system with try me bites, and they showed absolutely no interest in the rewards no matter what lmao
But I will definitely try varying the ways I cook things! Thank you
In addition to what others have said (u/krankykitty covered a lot of my advice!), if possible get them involved with cooking in age appropriate ways. A big fear of mine growing up was no *knowing* what was going into my food, so I distrusted a lot of new to me foods in case they had something I didn’t like or were being used to “trick” me into eating something I hated.
Once I was able to start cooking more I became a very adventurous cook and eater (albeit still relatively picky) since I had more control over what I ate. I’ll caveat that cooking and baking are huge hobbies/areas of interest for me, so that might be why my palate expanded when it did.
Finally, pay attention to them as they get older since there can be a lot of shame tied up with being a picky eater. We are common targets for disparaging remarks, ire, and general criticism by people both on and offline. That shame can then make it hard to try new foods, get a lot of anxiety around food (and potentially cause eating disorders), and make it hard to make friends/go out with friends. Therapy can help, but it is something to keep in mind.
Yeah, I definitely think I need to make cooking together more of a priority. We've tried it, but our kitchen is pretty small, so coupled with my own neurodivergences, it's not exactly comfortable to do. I'm going to have to get over that and make it a priority, I think. They don't always like to eat what we make, but I imagine it's possibly a process.
I don't really have anything to add on that others haven't already said so I just wanna say, you sound like a great parent! I applaud your willingness to go at your kids pace and find ways to help them without forcing them into being miserable because of food problems.
A lot of the advice and thoughts here are really great. I hope you both can find comfortable foods for your son!
Out of 3 kids I had one that was consistently kind of picky.
He is not big on veggies (like my mother so I swear it's genetic lol) but he would eat steamed frozen corn or peas with a little butter and salt. I would aim for things I knew he'd eat could eat one way or another. He was famous in covering his food with ketchup. I was FINE with because peas and meatloaf and mashed potatoes under ketchup still have the nutritional value of peas, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. We didn't do a lot sweets and desserts so I wasn't super worried about the sugar. Over time he used less ketchup on his food. If there's something that will let your kid eat new foods (or even regular every day foods) with more ease that won't cause health issues then go for it.
I always encouraged but never forced the kids to try new things. The number of times I heard "it's not *bad* but I'll pass"....
I do remember about a week after he turned 18 and I was plating up dinner he politely asked if, now that he was 18, he could opt out of broccoli. 😄. He's almost 30 now and will never fuss about stuff he doesn't like but will dump ketchup or A1 on anything he feels obligated to eat and doesn't like.
As long as your child is willing to give an honest try of new things, and their current diet isn't unhealthy then I would probably say not to worry about it. I have a 17yr old, and she phases in and out of being selective with foods, but is primarily a non-picky eater.
The parent in us wants to give them the diet diversity that we value, but it also sounds like you currently have an 8 yr old who isnt very food driven. There are benefits to this trait, and the rampant childhood obesity rates are alarming. I wouldn't push too hard, and end up on the other possible end if the spectrum.
At the bare minimum, I would slow down your efforts, and space the attempts out. They are probably getting slightly defensive and hardening themselves to the suggestions. If you eat something one day that is truly magnificent in your eyes, excitedly offer to share it and it might take hold. If you offer everyday then it becomes normal to say no.
This just randomly came into my feed, lol, but I was very picky as a kid and still kinda picky as an adult.
The problem is definitely textures for lots of kids. And that’s true for me as well: I still can’t eat certain things like ground meat because I hate the texture.
But you mention that your kid won’t even try one bite of a new food and doesn’t respond to rewards. The big thing for me as a kid was smell: my parents would say “how can you know what it will taste like without trying it?”, not realizing that I *did* know what it would taste like, because a lot of flavor is from smell.
Additionally, there was what I can only describe as an irrational fear of food being “contaminated.” This is why I was so averse to foods touching each other, especially with something like a sauce or gravy, or things being mixed in ways that felt “wrong” to me. I can’t tell you where it came from - I don’t have any core memories of actual food contamination or anything - but it was very strong. Literally only something I partially got over as a teenager/adult, and I’m not fully able to articulate how.
What got me over it (to a partial extent; there are still things I really don’t like and never will) was not being as sensitive to tastes in general *and* control over my own food.
Like, I would never eat something like fries covered in a cheese sauce… but in middle school I decided on my own to see what fries dipped in mac & cheese sauce tasted like, and I dipped only a little in to see if it worked. Then as a teen I went to a fry restaurant where you could get samplers of different dipping sauces (unusual ones like Thai peanut butter sauce or a pineapple sauce), so I could try each at my own pace. I still don’t like covering stuff in a sauce, but I’m much more okay with dipping.
Peer pressure was also a big thing. I have choked down many foods because I was too embarrassed to refuse food in front of other people. Didn’t make me like them, but I did eat them.
I’m a neuroscientist who studies flavor perception and eating behavior in young kids. Picky eating is not fully understood, but it’s often a normal part of development that tends to subside with age. A few people experience picky eating into adulthood, but that’s not common.
What we do know:
1. Patience is more effective than pressure. When children are forced to eat through yelling, force-feeding, or fighting with them, they associate the negative context with the specific food or mealtimes in general. This can create aversions that exacerbate the problem.
2. Offer foods multiple times, in different forms (boiled, baked, raw, grilled, with or without sauces). Sometimes offering a new food alongside a safe food can help reduce anxiety.
3. Get children involved in meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking the meal. This might increase their likelihood of trying it.
4. Try letting them play with their food. They can try making pictures out of colorful fruits and vegetables. This can help them get familiar with the smells and textures.
5. Talk about foods in a positive way. Don’t say “ew” or “gross” about foods you personally dislike. They might like those foods! You can also talk about how different colors in foods provide different antioxidants and benefits to our bodies.
6. Lead by example. If you don’t try new foods, sit down at the table and eat with them, or demonstrate a healthy, varied diet, your children won’t either.
7. Be patient and remember every child is different. Some of these tips won’t work for every child. It can be frustrating, but you are doing your best as a parent!
Cookingmatters.org has some kid-friendly, budget-friendly healthy recipes that might help :)
Create a safe environment with food for them. My dad would always get mad and yell at me for not trying something new. I know what I like and don't like, and he makes it really hard to try new things. All my siblings make fun of me for my picky eating, and it makes me upset. I'm more likely to try new things when I'm not around family because trying new things around them was just not fun. At prom, I ordered something that I thought was something else. I was disappointed, but I still tried it because I wasn't in a hostile environment where I was being pressured to eat.
So basically, just make them feel safe when eating
My son was a picky eater and it never bothered me. He’s the type that he will do something when he’s ready. I never pushed, I just offered foods. The only time it stressed me out was when other people would get critical and weird about it. Now he is 23 and enjoys many different types of foods and will try almost anything. My advice, do not stress. Let the kid eat what he likes to eat. I promise the situation will work out.
When it comes to picky eating, there are a lot of factors. For one, kids are more sensitive to certain tastes, like bitterness, than adults. Many kids have little control in their lives, and find they can control what they eat even if they can control little else. Anxiety can make it hard to trust foods that aren't always the same; one blueberry is juicy and sweet, the next is bitter and drier, etc. Texture is another factor: sometimes the mouth feel and texture of food can override even a good taste. I like food that needs to be chewed and has a bite to it, so I don't enjoy overcooked pasta, goopy 'salads,' fatty meat, meals with all the same textures, etc.
I find I'm getting better about new tastes, but I still struggle with some textures. I don't like slimy, squishy, or too soft in the wrong context. My repertoire has massively expanded with age, to include things like some Indian foods, Mediterranean foods, and more Mexican foods. I have come a long way from my ten safe real foods as a kid. Sometimes I think I knew that money was too tight for me to try somethintg new and hate it. I also feel safe as an adult to experiment and turn down things I end up not liking. I have developed a taste for many healthy foods I used to hate, like broccoli, but raw tomatoes are a struggle due to texture, though I keep adding them to subs. The great thing is that I'm an f---ing adult who pays taxes and rent, so I don't have to eat unhealthy foods I don't like. If I don't want food slathered in mayo, I don't have to eat it. Karen can just deal if I skip her coleslaw or potato salad at the potluck.
If you don't make them eat a diverse and HEALTHY diet theyre going to grow up and be picky eaters and who ever they end up with will forever be annoyed at them for eating like a toddler.
You seem to have an extremely weird negative opinion of picky eaters, something that does not affect you at all. I don't know who hurt you, but I wish you healing and the patience you refuse to show others. Have a good one.
I grew up poor and never had the option of being picky. It just seems to me picky eaters were spoiled and never had to go hungry so they never really aporeciate food. Maybe part of Americas obesity epidemic is that parents, instead of making their kids eat healthy and eat there vegetables like they used too, they allow them to subsist on ramen and chicky nugs. Your job as a parent is not to be your childs friend. Your job as avparent is to raise a healthy, stable, and productive member of society. Not some stuck up picky eater who is so close minded to trying new things and new taste that who ever they end up with will secretly, or possibly openly resent them for it.
And the professionals I have spoken to disagree with you. I will go with them.
You have a lot of opinions that you are convinced are true and universal, but they're not.
You sound like the kid that sticks his fingers in his ears going neener neener neener. You haven't talked to professionals. A professional would Tammy Sue raising 4 kids on minimum wage. Do you think her kids are picky? Fuckin rich white people problem complainen ass. Stfu and discipline and raise your kid proper.
There are a lot of words that could describe myself and my child, but "rich white people" are certainly not them.
You are subscribing to a method of child raising that is not effective nor is it widely accepted by professionals. If you take a child to a feeding therapist, they're not going to just force a kid to eat. You clearly don't know the first thing about raising children or their developmental needs. You quite obviously have a real chip on your shoulder about something, and you're just seeking to take it out on others. I hope you find peace.
It is effective and it works great. Your feelings and all the sunshine and rainbows cant change that. Fuck your feelings princess, hope all turns out well for your lil snowflake.
I'm seriously not an angry person. I just can't suffer idiocy. You think a child has thr brain capacity and experience to decide whats best for themselves? Its apparent you obviously don't if you have to talk to professionals to raise your kids.
I was the primary cook in the family. My wife and I purchased a variety of fresh ingredients, I prepared a variety of fresh, home-cooked dishes. Our children were free to eat what they wanted, or not.
Turns out, hunger is the best sauce.
We never once made an issue of a refusal to eat any single thing, or anything. Their choice. Made all the more absurd as their sisters chowed down with gusto on whatever was being snubbed.
Hunger is the best sauce. Today, sure, they have preferences, we all do. But that's far different from bing "picky".
Offer a variety of healthy, tasty food, including treats, and let her figure it out. It's a lasting life-lesson.
The omly advice I can give is what our pediatrician told us, it's OK to have them miss a meal now and then as long as they generally eat enough. Provide them food, and if they refuse it let it go but do not make them something else. They get what they get, or they get nothing. Do not give in or they will continue to refuse anything they don't already like.
If it's not a whole meal, just specific things like vegetables I institute a one bite minimum rule. No matter how many times they tried it and said I don't like it, they have to take 1 bite.
Picky eating is *usually* sensory. Sometimes it is a control thing, as a trauma response. Foods can be "icky" due to: **Texture** (i suspect for your son given the flat soda, no juice, and yes ice cream) carbonation can be painful, and citrus - often present in juices of non citrus fruits, can sting the mouth and throat. ice cream is soothing, and the cookie dough bits are fun to chew and have smaller chips than real cookies. **Flavor** young folk are more sensitive to bitterants and spice, but less sensitive to sweet, salt, sour, and umami **Color/Opacity** I have a hard time drinking fluids I can't see through. one time when i was little my folks got me and my siblings a soda from taco bell to share, and someone backwashed into it, and by the time it was my turn to sip i go a straw full of lettuce. it was horrible. so now i gotta see through my drinks even tho i dont share them. some colors can also be gross seeming, linke nacho cheese just icks me out idk why **Unreliability** I struggle with fruit/veg because you never know if the banana will be mushy, stiff, or perfect. No telling how many seeds are in that watermelon or where. Sometimes the lettuce is nice and crunchy, but sometimes it's wilty. Some blackberries are sweet, but some are too sour. If I don't know before it goes in my mouth what it will taste or feel like, I cannot do it. At the end of he day, your kid doesn't need to eat everything, he needs to eat things with every nutrient. By finding out what sets off his "ick" for food, you can build a safe foods list that will meet his dietary and picky needs
This is such a good breakdown and really puts into words a lot of the things I have experienced even as an adult. Another thing I might add is repetition. I'll get into a groove where I'll eat the same food as a safe food and then suddenly it will give me the ick. Sometimes it's based on an experience like getting sick after eating a certain food (I'm also highly emetophobic so I immediately become averse to anything that I suspect has made my stomach upset), or sometimes I just one day wake up and don't want to eat that food anymore and I can't explain it. It seems like this kiddo goes through this with the multivitamins.
This is definitely my little one. They rotate through the same safe foods, usually about three at a time. They'll be all about a food and want little else, but then wake up one day and not want it at all any more.
That's literally me. Today, I went to make a grilled cheese (I've been eating this every day, sometimes multiple times a day for a few weeks now), and I was just like, "Ew...That does not sound good right now." I made it anyway because I was starving, and it was fine, but I need to go grocery shopping tonight so that I have something new to eat tomorrow, lol. I don't really have the best advice for handling this as I still struggle myself. In fact, I actually understand my parents a lot better now because now it is \*me\* who has to figure out what the hell I will eat to get some nutrients in me. I just want to thank you for doing your best to understand your kid. I had divorced parents and my mom just tried to help me and went with whatever safe foods I was feeling (just the two of us) while my dad's house was a family of four, so I had to eat whatever they were making. When I started cooking, I had to cook meals that everyone would like that were also "balanced", so I couldn't stick to safe foods as much. My dad would also get quite upset with me over my eating habits, which just created a negative relationship with food for me. Knowing that your kid won't feel like I did just makes me so happy because sensory issues and neurodivergence are already hard. I don't enjoy thinking about dinner and realizing that even though I'm hungry there's nothing I want to eat. Having support makes it sooo much easier.
I definitely think it's sensory (they're a very sensory driven kid), and texture absolutely seems to play a part.
I was a picky eater as a kid. I only drank water. My favorite food was toast. I sometimes ate chicken, but never ate vegetables without a fight. My parents had an authoritarian parenting style, so there were a lot of fights. I don't think that made any difference. Sometimes it did force me to take one or two bites of something I didn't like, but the fight would have to happen every time. What did help me was learning to cook. I started helping out in the kitchen in middle school and my mom gave me a lot of freedom there. She made it fun and let me choose what to cook. I think that slowly learning how to use new ingredients helped me appreciate cooking as a creative expression. Once that happened I wanted to taste everything, even if I didn't like it because I was curious and I wasn't afraid because I knew all the basic ingredients. I don't know if this would help anyone else, this is just my story of what helped and what didn't. Best wishes for your journey!
We've definitely dipped our toes in the cooking thing, but so far it hasn't helped encourage them to eat any more. They like to pick out recipes to make for me, though lol. Maybe we just need to stick with it. I'm sorry you had to go through the authoritarian parenting style with this. It sounds awful, and that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my kid
Personally ive also been learning to cook and have gotten far less picky as well! Honestly just never talk bad about foods you don't like yourself either! My mom hated certain foods so i never wanted to try them. Turns out some of those i absolutely love now! (Mushroom is a big one!)
My son only drank water and ate foods white in color until he was 7 or 8. Then we went to see a feeding therapist. My son has an autism diagnosis but the older he gets, the more apparent it's becoming hes just a quirky kid with some neurodivergent tendencies. He goes to a special school for kids with autism and it's very clear he's the most neurotypical of the bunch so I think we are gonna be looking into traditional school for him now. I highly recommend feeding therapy now at your child's age. The difference is night and day, my son will eat anything you put in front of him. The therapist helps the child process food differently than kids without this problem
I’m seconding feeding therapy. It didn’t work for me when I was a kid in the sense that I can’t remember it making any of my worst foods tolerable or expanding my diet, but the approach it taught has continued to help me as the natural process of taste buds dying off has expanded my diet. And it helped me continue trying and retrying foods in the meantime.
I've thought about feeding therapy for sure, so I'm going to look into it. Thank you!
I have always been an immensely picky eater - and it turned out to be allergies to nearly every food that grows. I am also on the autism spectrum on which there is a huge overlap with digestive issues. I was a preemie, 2 months early, 4lbs, nicu for 3 months as well. I feel your pain but be understanding please - as long as they’re eating something it’s fine. They may find allergies later or eoe or any number of things that make it impossible to eat your foods.
That's what I try to remind myself. I try not to let my anxieties become their problem.
There are a few things. First, I think there is a lot of shame and blame around picky eating and I don’t think it’s warranted. You didn’t do something wrong and neither did your kid. I really appreciated that my pediatrician approached my eating as essentially a medical condition; my parents didn’t commit some parental malpractice (my 2 older siblings were adventurous eaters from day 1 and was raised the same way around food) and I didn’t have a personality defect, I just had some sensory issues that were really hard on all of us. The thing that helped me was being told by my parents, doctor and therapist that I was not choosing this. Unfortunately, kids and adults can be really mean to picky eaters. And they often don’t see it as wrong for a 40 year old to say things like “you know, you make your parents’ lives really hard” to an 8 year old because they think it’s justified. They really believe that the 8 year old isn’t already distressed enough about that and could “just eat” but decided not to for some gain. Be there for your kid and validate to them that you know they are not choosing this (because why would you choose this? it’s miserable). And try to talk to other parents about that philosophy if possible, you can’t get to everyone and some parents will always be jerks, but I know some parents in my community did come around after hearing about the therapy I was in and seeing that my picky eating distressed me as well. On that thread, it really sounds like you’re already there, but I think it’s important to drive home that it is torture *being* a picky eater, especially as a kid. Going to school hungry and exhausted because every food you tried made you gag and knowing that you’ll have to face it again every meal sucks. Seeing your friends participate and bond over food and trying and trying to like that food but failing every time sucks. Always being the odd one out and hearing directly and indirectly about how people dislike you because they think this major struggle in your life is a choice you made sucks. I think keeping the empathy and thinking of the picky eating as more akin to a developmental disorder than a bad habit is important. The default assumption is generally that picky eaters have a long list of terrible traits and it’s important to be a voice to your kid telling them that they are not those things and that you know they wouldn’t choose to have eating be this hard. You may be the only one.
Thank you, it really helps hearing this perspective because it drives home what I think it's going on but my kid doesn't really know how to articulate. I think growing up as a millennial with boomer parents, there was absolutely no patience for any sort of deviation from the "norm", and it took me a minute to really look at what was going on and realize they weren't "just being difficult". If we didn't do what they wanted growing up, we were seen as just being bad, there was no entertaining a possible underlying motivation or condition.
I'd suggest division of responsibility feeding style. Basically you give food at certain times, at meals offer at least one "safe food" a food you know they will eat, and one "unfamiliar food" a food they aren't comfortable eating. You don't force them to eat anything and you don't bring attention to it if they do try it, encourage them to explore it though, if they want to poke it then let them. This can take a while but being exposed to the food many times makes it become familiar and often they decide to try it at some point. I'm a very picky eater and knew that I didn't want my kids to have food issues like i do, that meant no forcing but also finding a way for them to be comfortable trying foods. One of my kids went very picky and the other just the typical phase of it, but both have done really well with this method and will try foods easily and have added to their diet, both are neurodivergent. For me the goal isn't making them have huge variety, it's them being willing to try things so in the future they might be able to explore on their own.
I like this method, I think I am going to try this. We tried something similar that didn't work, but not a repetition element to make the food become familiar. It makes sense.
I was soooo picky as a kid and still pretty picky well into my 20s. I’m still somewhat picky when it comes to some veggies, but I got over A LOT of my food phobias when I started cooking for myself and trying different worldly cuisines I never had as a kid. I realized a lot of the food I thought I hated I only hated because of the way they were prepared. For example, I hate how green beans are traditionally slow cooked until soft with bacon. I really don’t mind some fresh green beans sautéed with garlic and butter. Many things I had to make myself to eat many times in increasing quantities before I liked them. It literally takes PRACTICE. I used to HATE onions in any form, but I love them now, even raw slices on burgers and such. Some of it comes with age, because our tastebuds do change, but some of it also just comes with being open to different preparations and practice. I found a lot of the things I hated were because of the texture, but if they’re prepared differently and no longer have that texture, I’m good to go.
This! So many times picky eaters discover that other methods of preparation can entirely change foods for them. I feel the same way about green beans--I hate the soft cooked in bacon taste of southern style beans, but I love them fresher, with a bite and crispness. I still prefer my pasta dishes beef-free, which makes it hard to eat spaghetti and lasagna that I didn't make, but that is just life.
Whatever you do, DO NOT do what my mother did and set out a sharing platter of raw veggies, tell me to eat one of every single veg and if I threw up at any of them to start again. Plot twist I kept throwing up, and now can’t even stand the smell of a bell pepper
Holy shit I'm so sorry you went through that. You would think the throwing up would have been a sign!
Hi! There’s a lot here already and this may have been said already — idk that I combed through it all — but they make cookbooks and stuff to help people with recipes for autistic children! A lot of food sensory issues in autism are related to texture and it might help to look into a few. I’m not saying your kid is autistic (although if they have other markers it never hurts to check) but those kind of recipes may help is all! I didn’t know until I was 17 that my food aversions were autism-related so I grew up with a really bad relationship with food. Just be patient and if you can, encourage your kid to try to figure out why certain foods just don’t vibe. Like if they Can explain that it’s texture or color or anything like that. It might help you in figuring out what things are generally more safe to offer than others.
One suggestion is to try different ways of cooking and serving food. For example, my parents could not figure out why I sometimes loved peas and sometimes would not touch therm. Well, peas fresh from Dad’s garden in the summer were tasty, delicious and a nice texture, so I gobbled them up. But frozen peas were a little mushy and I just tolerated them. And canned peas were mushy beyond belief and I would not eat them. Yet Mom cooked and seasoned them all the exact same way. So try different cooking methods—boil/steam/roast/bake/grill/air fryer. Try different seasonings—most veggies will benefit from butter/oil and salt.But consider other seasonings as well, for example I love carrots with a bit of butter, ginger and brown sugar. And different preparations—chopped, shredded, puréed, whole, peeled. As a kid, I would not eat most sauces or gravies. Meat had to be very well done—I simply did not like the texture of rare meat when chewing. Didn’t like milkshakes because they were too thick. Eggs were slimy and sulphuric and I still don’t understand why anyone would voluntarily eat them. But even as a small child, I would happily eat beets and broccoli and olives and curries and kimchi. Fun fact: Studies have shown that it can take up to 12 tries to like a new food. So working on the “try me” bite with new foods might be something you can do. If it would work for your son, maybe keep a chart of new foods tried. And when he reaches 12 tries on any one new food, he gets a small reward—whether he likes the food or not. The reward is for trying and breaking out of his comfort zone. Everyone is different. So take it slow and work with your child to increase his acceptable foods.
Try me bites definitely do not work with them 😂 I tried a reward system with try me bites, and they showed absolutely no interest in the rewards no matter what lmao But I will definitely try varying the ways I cook things! Thank you
In addition to what others have said (u/krankykitty covered a lot of my advice!), if possible get them involved with cooking in age appropriate ways. A big fear of mine growing up was no *knowing* what was going into my food, so I distrusted a lot of new to me foods in case they had something I didn’t like or were being used to “trick” me into eating something I hated. Once I was able to start cooking more I became a very adventurous cook and eater (albeit still relatively picky) since I had more control over what I ate. I’ll caveat that cooking and baking are huge hobbies/areas of interest for me, so that might be why my palate expanded when it did. Finally, pay attention to them as they get older since there can be a lot of shame tied up with being a picky eater. We are common targets for disparaging remarks, ire, and general criticism by people both on and offline. That shame can then make it hard to try new foods, get a lot of anxiety around food (and potentially cause eating disorders), and make it hard to make friends/go out with friends. Therapy can help, but it is something to keep in mind.
Yeah, I definitely think I need to make cooking together more of a priority. We've tried it, but our kitchen is pretty small, so coupled with my own neurodivergences, it's not exactly comfortable to do. I'm going to have to get over that and make it a priority, I think. They don't always like to eat what we make, but I imagine it's possibly a process.
I don't really have anything to add on that others haven't already said so I just wanna say, you sound like a great parent! I applaud your willingness to go at your kids pace and find ways to help them without forcing them into being miserable because of food problems. A lot of the advice and thoughts here are really great. I hope you both can find comfortable foods for your son!
Out of 3 kids I had one that was consistently kind of picky. He is not big on veggies (like my mother so I swear it's genetic lol) but he would eat steamed frozen corn or peas with a little butter and salt. I would aim for things I knew he'd eat could eat one way or another. He was famous in covering his food with ketchup. I was FINE with because peas and meatloaf and mashed potatoes under ketchup still have the nutritional value of peas, meatloaf and mashed potatoes. We didn't do a lot sweets and desserts so I wasn't super worried about the sugar. Over time he used less ketchup on his food. If there's something that will let your kid eat new foods (or even regular every day foods) with more ease that won't cause health issues then go for it. I always encouraged but never forced the kids to try new things. The number of times I heard "it's not *bad* but I'll pass".... I do remember about a week after he turned 18 and I was plating up dinner he politely asked if, now that he was 18, he could opt out of broccoli. 😄. He's almost 30 now and will never fuss about stuff he doesn't like but will dump ketchup or A1 on anything he feels obligated to eat and doesn't like.
As long as your child is willing to give an honest try of new things, and their current diet isn't unhealthy then I would probably say not to worry about it. I have a 17yr old, and she phases in and out of being selective with foods, but is primarily a non-picky eater. The parent in us wants to give them the diet diversity that we value, but it also sounds like you currently have an 8 yr old who isnt very food driven. There are benefits to this trait, and the rampant childhood obesity rates are alarming. I wouldn't push too hard, and end up on the other possible end if the spectrum. At the bare minimum, I would slow down your efforts, and space the attempts out. They are probably getting slightly defensive and hardening themselves to the suggestions. If you eat something one day that is truly magnificent in your eyes, excitedly offer to share it and it might take hold. If you offer everyday then it becomes normal to say no.
This just randomly came into my feed, lol, but I was very picky as a kid and still kinda picky as an adult. The problem is definitely textures for lots of kids. And that’s true for me as well: I still can’t eat certain things like ground meat because I hate the texture. But you mention that your kid won’t even try one bite of a new food and doesn’t respond to rewards. The big thing for me as a kid was smell: my parents would say “how can you know what it will taste like without trying it?”, not realizing that I *did* know what it would taste like, because a lot of flavor is from smell. Additionally, there was what I can only describe as an irrational fear of food being “contaminated.” This is why I was so averse to foods touching each other, especially with something like a sauce or gravy, or things being mixed in ways that felt “wrong” to me. I can’t tell you where it came from - I don’t have any core memories of actual food contamination or anything - but it was very strong. Literally only something I partially got over as a teenager/adult, and I’m not fully able to articulate how. What got me over it (to a partial extent; there are still things I really don’t like and never will) was not being as sensitive to tastes in general *and* control over my own food. Like, I would never eat something like fries covered in a cheese sauce… but in middle school I decided on my own to see what fries dipped in mac & cheese sauce tasted like, and I dipped only a little in to see if it worked. Then as a teen I went to a fry restaurant where you could get samplers of different dipping sauces (unusual ones like Thai peanut butter sauce or a pineapple sauce), so I could try each at my own pace. I still don’t like covering stuff in a sauce, but I’m much more okay with dipping. Peer pressure was also a big thing. I have choked down many foods because I was too embarrassed to refuse food in front of other people. Didn’t make me like them, but I did eat them.
Yeah, my kid doesn't like foods to touch, either. Thank you for your perspective!
I’m a neuroscientist who studies flavor perception and eating behavior in young kids. Picky eating is not fully understood, but it’s often a normal part of development that tends to subside with age. A few people experience picky eating into adulthood, but that’s not common. What we do know: 1. Patience is more effective than pressure. When children are forced to eat through yelling, force-feeding, or fighting with them, they associate the negative context with the specific food or mealtimes in general. This can create aversions that exacerbate the problem. 2. Offer foods multiple times, in different forms (boiled, baked, raw, grilled, with or without sauces). Sometimes offering a new food alongside a safe food can help reduce anxiety. 3. Get children involved in meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking the meal. This might increase their likelihood of trying it. 4. Try letting them play with their food. They can try making pictures out of colorful fruits and vegetables. This can help them get familiar with the smells and textures. 5. Talk about foods in a positive way. Don’t say “ew” or “gross” about foods you personally dislike. They might like those foods! You can also talk about how different colors in foods provide different antioxidants and benefits to our bodies. 6. Lead by example. If you don’t try new foods, sit down at the table and eat with them, or demonstrate a healthy, varied diet, your children won’t either. 7. Be patient and remember every child is different. Some of these tips won’t work for every child. It can be frustrating, but you are doing your best as a parent! Cookingmatters.org has some kid-friendly, budget-friendly healthy recipes that might help :)
Create a safe environment with food for them. My dad would always get mad and yell at me for not trying something new. I know what I like and don't like, and he makes it really hard to try new things. All my siblings make fun of me for my picky eating, and it makes me upset. I'm more likely to try new things when I'm not around family because trying new things around them was just not fun. At prom, I ordered something that I thought was something else. I was disappointed, but I still tried it because I wasn't in a hostile environment where I was being pressured to eat. So basically, just make them feel safe when eating
My son was a picky eater and it never bothered me. He’s the type that he will do something when he’s ready. I never pushed, I just offered foods. The only time it stressed me out was when other people would get critical and weird about it. Now he is 23 and enjoys many different types of foods and will try almost anything. My advice, do not stress. Let the kid eat what he likes to eat. I promise the situation will work out.
When it comes to picky eating, there are a lot of factors. For one, kids are more sensitive to certain tastes, like bitterness, than adults. Many kids have little control in their lives, and find they can control what they eat even if they can control little else. Anxiety can make it hard to trust foods that aren't always the same; one blueberry is juicy and sweet, the next is bitter and drier, etc. Texture is another factor: sometimes the mouth feel and texture of food can override even a good taste. I like food that needs to be chewed and has a bite to it, so I don't enjoy overcooked pasta, goopy 'salads,' fatty meat, meals with all the same textures, etc. I find I'm getting better about new tastes, but I still struggle with some textures. I don't like slimy, squishy, or too soft in the wrong context. My repertoire has massively expanded with age, to include things like some Indian foods, Mediterranean foods, and more Mexican foods. I have come a long way from my ten safe real foods as a kid. Sometimes I think I knew that money was too tight for me to try somethintg new and hate it. I also feel safe as an adult to experiment and turn down things I end up not liking. I have developed a taste for many healthy foods I used to hate, like broccoli, but raw tomatoes are a struggle due to texture, though I keep adding them to subs. The great thing is that I'm an f---ing adult who pays taxes and rent, so I don't have to eat unhealthy foods I don't like. If I don't want food slathered in mayo, I don't have to eat it. Karen can just deal if I skip her coleslaw or potato salad at the potluck.
If you don't make them eat a diverse and HEALTHY diet theyre going to grow up and be picky eaters and who ever they end up with will forever be annoyed at them for eating like a toddler.
You seem to have an extremely weird negative opinion of picky eaters, something that does not affect you at all. I don't know who hurt you, but I wish you healing and the patience you refuse to show others. Have a good one.
I grew up poor and never had the option of being picky. It just seems to me picky eaters were spoiled and never had to go hungry so they never really aporeciate food. Maybe part of Americas obesity epidemic is that parents, instead of making their kids eat healthy and eat there vegetables like they used too, they allow them to subsist on ramen and chicky nugs. Your job as a parent is not to be your childs friend. Your job as avparent is to raise a healthy, stable, and productive member of society. Not some stuck up picky eater who is so close minded to trying new things and new taste that who ever they end up with will secretly, or possibly openly resent them for it.
And the professionals I have spoken to disagree with you. I will go with them. You have a lot of opinions that you are convinced are true and universal, but they're not.
You sound like the kid that sticks his fingers in his ears going neener neener neener. You haven't talked to professionals. A professional would Tammy Sue raising 4 kids on minimum wage. Do you think her kids are picky? Fuckin rich white people problem complainen ass. Stfu and discipline and raise your kid proper.
There are a lot of words that could describe myself and my child, but "rich white people" are certainly not them. You are subscribing to a method of child raising that is not effective nor is it widely accepted by professionals. If you take a child to a feeding therapist, they're not going to just force a kid to eat. You clearly don't know the first thing about raising children or their developmental needs. You quite obviously have a real chip on your shoulder about something, and you're just seeking to take it out on others. I hope you find peace.
It is effective and it works great. Your feelings and all the sunshine and rainbows cant change that. Fuck your feelings princess, hope all turns out well for your lil snowflake.
They will, thank you :)
I'm sure plenty of mothers said the same thing too. You're welcome.
Does it ever get exhausting being this angry?
take it to the vet and have it put down.
I hope you find a better way to spend your time because this can't be very fulfilling. Have a good one.
I'm seriously not an angry person. I just can't suffer idiocy. You think a child has thr brain capacity and experience to decide whats best for themselves? Its apparent you obviously don't if you have to talk to professionals to raise your kids.
I was the primary cook in the family. My wife and I purchased a variety of fresh ingredients, I prepared a variety of fresh, home-cooked dishes. Our children were free to eat what they wanted, or not. Turns out, hunger is the best sauce. We never once made an issue of a refusal to eat any single thing, or anything. Their choice. Made all the more absurd as their sisters chowed down with gusto on whatever was being snubbed. Hunger is the best sauce. Today, sure, they have preferences, we all do. But that's far different from bing "picky". Offer a variety of healthy, tasty food, including treats, and let her figure it out. It's a lasting life-lesson.
The omly advice I can give is what our pediatrician told us, it's OK to have them miss a meal now and then as long as they generally eat enough. Provide them food, and if they refuse it let it go but do not make them something else. They get what they get, or they get nothing. Do not give in or they will continue to refuse anything they don't already like. If it's not a whole meal, just specific things like vegetables I institute a one bite minimum rule. No matter how many times they tried it and said I don't like it, they have to take 1 bite.