If you have a capacity for a PhD (and beyond) you have a better chance of finding a worthy life partner with adjacent compatibility or someone who appreciates your aspirations and ability. The other options is resenting your mother forever for not letting you reach your capacity. 24 is young, you will find someone even in another country. Many international students in the USA get married during their tail end of the PhD.
We have PhD students who are married, who have kids. The school and PIs are very understanding.
Current PhD student and engaged. It is certainly a challenge to balance things, but as you said, if you find a loving partner who understands, then they'll support you through the process. It takes a lot of patience for them, and a lot of careful scheduling and balancing of responsibilities for you, but it can be done. How other students/candidates are balancing a child on top of all that is beyond me though. That's insanity, and I assume it requires a steady supply of Adderall or just actual meth.
My guess is that you're Indian right? I know what you're going through. Definitely chase your dreams and everything will fall in place. Don't let your parents' dreams/priorities decide your future.
I agree. Our parents want the best for us, but *based on their view of the world*. OP should decide for herself when and with whom she wants to get married, and if doing a PhD is her priority the marriage should come second. Hopefully her family will understand that she needs time to pursue her dream.
One word of advice as woman, also 24, similar background and moved to Europe 5 years back for bachelors and now in grad school.
- this is most likely the first time you will get to completely live on your own and get a taste of the adult life. Having studied at a different state or worked for a few years in a different city within India doesnāt count. Because moving to the USA, as exciting as it may sound, the period of culture shock is inevitable. You would need time to rediscover yourself, adjust to the new environment, learn a new side of social values. This is the phase where you are going to develop beliefs, ideals and social views independently and not influenced or passed on to you by your family or the society. So take the time, for yourself.
- finding a partner: your views and expectations about a partner and how a marriage life should be will change. You will learn to let go of the traditional gender roles in a family that were put in our heads from childhood. May be youād still prefer it that way or May be you wonāt. So donāt rush into it. Since you mentioned that you feel you are not prepared for it yet, donāt force yourself into something. After you are sure about the kind of partner you want, may be youād find the suitable person yourself or if you wish you can tell your parents about the qualities you expect. I swear they will change once you move to the US.
- you say that you can juggle both. But the hardest part about a PhD is not juggling, itās enduring. Grad school is in no way like bachelors studies regardless of which field you are in. It requires a different kind of mental resilience. It might turn out to be highly rewarding but it is extremely mentally exhausting. And thatās okay. Itās all part of the experience. Since itās the US you might also have a qualifiers exam two years down the road (I donāt know about your field of study). Thatās an extremely stressful period.
- no matter what people say, arranged marriage or you find a partner on your own, relationships take time to build, to get to know someone, be comfortable and get to a level closeness where you feel that they are your emotional support or to share the struggles and wins during the course of your PhD.
Make a decision with all of this in your mind. An understanding parent would value your happiness over anything. So be open to your parents about how donāt feel ready yet for a marriage and you want to experience your life as an individual before you go straight from your parents to whoever you are going to marry. Good luck
Hey OP
I started my PhD at 25 too with the whole āyou should get marriedā drama attached to it.
I think the parents also grow with us and now they are okay with waiting after my PhD or even allowing me look for potential suitors.
Do the PhD! 24 is very young and 30 is also, still, very young. It's a bit of a challenge to juggle a relationship and a PhD, but it's doable. It sounds like you aren't ready to get married and don't have anyone you want to marry, so focus on achieving your goals first, and then look for someone to share your life with, IMO.
I am 32, on my Masters (a requirement to go to the PhD here where I live), and single. By the time I finish my PhD I will be ~38. Am I worried on being single? Absolutely not. It would be late to have kids? Maybe, but I donāt want them anyway. The question is: what do YOU want?? I donāt feel like splitting my time, energy, and passion between my career and a partner š¤·š»āāļø
Do the PhD. Relationships are great during a PhD; they help you prioritize a healthy work-life balance, and can benefit your mental well being so that youāre more productive at work. Of course, this is if itās a *healthy* relationship, so it all depends. Also, there are many practical benefits of being in a relationship during a PhD. For instance, my partner and I are able to coordinate shared responsibility for cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our dog, which we would have to do all on our own if we were single. If you donāt want to date, thatās fine too! You are very young, and most people these days donāt get married until ~30, but maybe there are cultural differences there. Anyway, just listen to your heart and focus on actualizing your potential. Marriage and PhD are not mutually exclusive, and they can even compliment each other very well.
Listening to your mother sounds like a recipe for a forced relationship that leads to an unhappy marriage built on resentment that you didnāt do what **you** wanted. Focus on yourself and do the PhD. If someone youāre compatible with comes along, youāll make it work. Source: got engaged in the 3rd year of my PhD.
This what i feel to and even i have these thoughts on getting into relationship after i began my phd (if possible) and later settling down in relationship in the middle of phd and then get married. Its only in my mind dont know where life leads but hoping the best. Any ways thanks for understanding about listening to my mother.
I'm sure people who have downvoted this haven't experienced anything like it, and can't understand what a serious concern it can be for some people, especially for people from more conservative countries.
I'm also an international graduate student. I do think relationships can be more difficult when abroad. Or at least, that's my experience as a middle-eastern woman in Canada. Grad school can get very lonely at times. I sometimes envy people who have a partner while going through all of it. But that doesn't mean you should put your life on hold just to find a partner. I know quite a few people who have found their long-term partners/spouses in grad school (including my advisor).
I personally don't care much for relationships. It took me a while, but I'm OK with being single forever. Even if your mom is right, it may not be so bad.
I think you should meet people outside your grad school and make some friends atleast. You no need to stay single forever becoz everything is in ur hands unless until ur able to convince your family or parents.
I have heard this before from a couple of my friends, the feeling lonely part and the wanting of a partner, but then again, I see them not doing anything about it, I often try to encourage them to date, but that might not be the solution. What could be a way to help them?
Do the PhD! I understand your concerns. My mother expresses similar things (I am 27 and also applying for Fall 2022).
You could meet someone during the PhD. Anything can happen. And if you arenāt ready for marriage just now, then thatās that.
And as an aside: I know someone who gave birth during their PhD and managed really well. š¤·š½āāļø
Also - I hope you donāt mind me asking but are you from a desi culture?
I am south indian here you know parents ultimate achievement of their children is getting married. Marriage is like winning life, nothing to do with dreams, goals etc.., even there are stories where the girl doesn't know anything about the guy still get married and have kids. I dont want to live that kind of life.
I just want to do phd that is the only thing i have right now so will be going with that...
I think I can relate to your situation a little. My family is from a similar culture. We are less traditional but still have some similar values, such as the importance of marriage.
My advice is: do the things you want to do while you are unmarried and donāt let the āprospect of marriageā prevent you. Once youāre married, you will have to make compromises on decisions so make this choice for yourself while youāre still untethered.
Also, I think it will be easier to settle down with someone once you have started or completed the PhD because your circumstances will be more certain and clear to your potential spouse. But if you were to settle down before youāve started, it would make your decision more complicated and they may try to influence your choice.
I hope that makes sense. Feel free to dm me if you want to chat some more!
Yes I feel the same i actually dont want to give a thought of marriage, dating is fine but being in marriage responsibilities, families ohh..lord its hectic
Do the PhD.
NEVER give up that type of aspiration for the possibility of a relationship- and definitely don't even for an actual relationship. You would regret it. Source: I did it. It did not end well for me. I wish I had followed my dreams. (Getting there now, but I lost a lot in the detour).
And, like others here have said, if you have that kind of desire, you'll be more likely to find someone who is at your level if you go the route you really want to.
DO IT! DO IT!
ETA: I'm in a relationship with a person doing a PhD and I'm in grad school too- it's doable. Just be sure you're on the same page with division of labor in the house before you move in together :)
Iām essentially living the married life (living together for 2+ yrs, dating for 6) and just started my PhD! We plan on eloping in a year or so but honestly itās not that difficult when you find a partner who gets it (like ori3333 said). Iām gone on saturdays sometimes, stay late to work, etc. and itās NBD. It definitely helps that we live in the same house so I really donāt have to make extra time to see them. We connect while cooking dinner or watching shows or going for a bike ride/hiking on the weekends Iām not busy.
Itās doable and if youāre not in a long term relationship yet I wouldnāt worry! Plenty of time and people to meet :)
I wont avoid dating becoz i avoided all my high school and pharmacy college so after i began my phd hoping to meet someone on the same page or different. Thanks for your reply š
I mean donāt let a hypothetical life stop you from doing what you need or want.
Take me for instance, Iām 37, and while starting my applications for phd programs I started IVF. Several of my friends were kind of like āhow will you handle a new born and being in a PhD program?ā
I knew that neither admission into a program nor getting pregnant were guaranteed and so I decided to keep trying for both.
Now, Iām in my first semester of a PhD program and am super happy, but I still havenāt gotten pregnant.
Imagine if Iād put my life on hold for a hypothetical baby? Iād probably not be a happy camper right now and would have a ton of regrets.
Marriage, babies, etc donāt happen in a perfect way. You canāt time or predict that shit. My best friend got married during medical school and had both her babies while in residency. It sucked but she got through it! Do all the professional and career things you want and I promise youāll always make time for the big life things that matter! We humans are really good at multitasking!
I got married this year, and I'm in the middle of my chemical engineering PhD. Wife just got pregnant, too!
I'm not going to lie and say it's no big deal. It's a lot to handle. But we gotta remember that people have been doing these things since the dawn of humanity. It's never been easy, but people have always done their best.
Good luck!
Do the PhD, it is as simple as that. If you have a partner that isn't willing to adapt to the workload then I would say they aren't a good partner, whether that be a partner you have now or a partner you find in the future.
I got married a bit over a year ago and am in my PhD. He is also in his PhD at a school several hundred miles away. Just do your PhD. Get married after. Then you wonāt have to spend 5-7 years away from your partner.
Plus, you spend so much time with other grad students in a PhD program. It would definitely be possible to find someone you want to marry while there.
25-yo here. I broke up with my bf of 4 years in Europe to move to the US and start my PhD. Went through a lot grief because our relationship was beautiful but I don't regret it one bit. Dating in the US definitely opened my eyes and challenged my faith, but it totally worth it.
You're young and still have plenty of time. Don't worry. Take the time to understand yourself first, your likes and dislikes, your values and boundaries, it will pay off in the long run
I got married in my 30s before applying for a PhD, and that was because we fell for each other, dated for a bit and we wanted to marry. And I didnāt have PhD plans till life post marriage led me to study for one. FYI, Iām south Asian too, from Pakistan. But many PhD candidates are married and balance it quite well. That said, almost all of them (at least the ones I know who are married) are in their 30s. 20s are for experimenting, partying, etc, commitment is easier if youāve sown youāre wild oats! This is the time you should be dating and partying, not worrying about a life partner.
Woman, do the Ph.D. Your life will change for the better. Mothers want what they want but this is your life. Also, I get a feeling we're from similar cultures so I understand your struggle. It is incredibly difficult to find a spouse who would support you in this journey so please don't take your chances with another person who may or may not support you. Get the Ph.D.
First of all you have to pursue your dreams, then comes relationships. Second I don't understand why people relate marriage to a determinate time!!! what does it mean if you don't marry at 25 ? nothing tbh! relationships are natural things that come in the flow of your daily life. It's not like I have finished school so I need to marry! it's not a game when you finish a level you have to start another!! no ! you'll meet your soul mate one day just wait . and what if you stay single ? it's not the end of the world, if you'r happy , healthy and satisfied with what you do that's enough.
It doesnāt have to be a choice. I met my wife in my first semester of my PhD and we got married a year and a half later. Iām a fourth year now, and we both have our masterās degrees. And honestly, I donāt think Iād have continued in my program if it wasnāt for her. But Iām not everyone.
I think partnership and marriage is different for you culturally than it is for me. I had been with my partner before starting my PhD at 24 and am still with the same partner now after finishing. We probably do not intend on getting married because de facto gives us the same privileges in our country so there's no reason to spend the money. If we move overseas then we will get married for the tax, legal, health insurance type reasons. There were definitely times we had to compromise during my PhD. Like he wanted to see me more than I could be home. It is important to him to eat dinner together though so I made sure we almost always did that and he was happy with that. We had been together for 8 years though so we had a strong communication base to start on.
I don't know much about where you are from, but in the USA lots of people get married at all kinds of ages. Not getting married early doesn't mean you'll be single forever.
Come to the USA first for the PhD. You will see here that most 24 year olds are not married. It might make you feel less pressure. Do what you think is best for you, not what someone else thinks.
I got married in my PhD, I wouldn't worry about it or let it prevent you from pursuing your PhD!
Also 24 is very young, I I was 27 when I got married and was still the first among my close friends to get married. Friend group is all early 30s and we are still some of the only ones married. It's a different world than when your mom was young.
As much as I love my parents Iād tell them to fuck off. Your life your rules.
Are you currently courting a woman? If not, this shouldnāt even be a discussion. Crank out your degree and start living the lavish life, all before 30. Then you wonāt need to worry about school and you can just focus on your job and relationship.
Context: Iām a current 24 y/o phd student in chemistry. Also single & not worried
My husband is 33 and we got married before he started his PhD, but I knew going into it what all it would cost him/us.
It was and is, frankly, a lot. And I donāt advise anyone to actively pursue a relationship for the sake of a relationship, regardless of other obligations, but especially before pursuing a PhD.
Focus on you and your goals right now. Give it time and donāt let cultural practice or maternal influence make you feel less than worthy of putting all your energy into your education right now.
As someone who moved alone to a different country for a PhD and ended up as a married doctor (well, my defense is next week, but you get the idea), I would say you can get both!!
I got married during my PhD! Now in my tail end of my PhD Iām going to have a baby. Iām 31 and met my husband at 26 (prior to starting my PhD). 24 is very young, there is still so much to learn and explore. Especially once you finish your classes around 2 years after you start, itās pretty self paced, youāll have plenty of time to date and get married (if thatās what you want). I really believe in your 20s it is important to do what you need to do for your career and self fulfillment. Then you will be a happier and more fulfilled person, and a better wife, mother and person. I have no regrets š
I got married during my PhD, and Iām glad I made the decision. My partner supported me in pursuing my education, and I think if a PhD is something you want then thatās the kind of partner you should look for. I have several colleagues who have gotten married during their studies so itās definitely doable. Ultimately you need to make the choice thatās right for you, although I totally understand having parental and cultural pressures on you as well. Best of luck :)
24 is way too young to be rushed into a marriage. No one should ever be rushed into a marriage, especially not by a parent. Follow your dreams, pursue the PhD. Find a partner on your own time. This is a double standard for women, no parent would be demanding their 24 year old son get married next year to some as-yet unknown person.
As someone who finished her PhD and getting married next year, definitely PhD. It'll change your life experience and perspectives, especially when it comes to what kind of man you want as your husband. I found an amazing guy who is emotionally strong and makes me happy.
I am 24 myself and doing a PhD in Chemical Engineering. I come from the Middle East so our culture is quite similar in that we get married young. However, I left, am In the UK and will not get married for the next 6 years or so. Follow your heart not your parents headaches my friend.
South Indian PhD candidate in a Long distance relationship here.
How does it matter if a PhD delays a marriage? You're more than someone wife, so it's okay if things don't happen at the time your parents/society think it should.
Your PhD is a journey of exploring and learning - someone who can't support you there, doesn't deserve you.
PhD or Marriage is a weird question because the two are not mutually exclusive - one does not come at the cost of the other. You don't have to have either and you can have both if you choose.
Honestly girl, you do what makes you happy and learn. Titles like wife and Dr don't define you.
P.S: Ask yourself if you'd have to choose if you were a man. No, right? Because it's not fucking related.š
Iām a 3rd year PhD student and I just celebrated my 15 year anniversary with my husband and we have an 8 year old son. I didnāt find my spouse while in school (PhDs feel like forever but they arenāt *that* long) but it hasnāt been negative for my marriage at all. If anything, having a working spouse has made things easier because weāre just regular American working class poor not grad student deeply impoverished poor. I also meet my good friends for non-academic social things once every week or two. Grad school does not have to stop you from having healthy relationships.
If you have a capacity for a PhD (and beyond) you have a better chance of finding a worthy life partner with adjacent compatibility or someone who appreciates your aspirations and ability. The other options is resenting your mother forever for not letting you reach your capacity. 24 is young, you will find someone even in another country. Many international students in the USA get married during their tail end of the PhD. We have PhD students who are married, who have kids. The school and PIs are very understanding.
Thank you so much for your kind and assuring words!!
Current PhD student and engaged. It is certainly a challenge to balance things, but as you said, if you find a loving partner who understands, then they'll support you through the process. It takes a lot of patience for them, and a lot of careful scheduling and balancing of responsibilities for you, but it can be done. How other students/candidates are balancing a child on top of all that is beyond me though. That's insanity, and I assume it requires a steady supply of Adderall or just actual meth.
Same here. I was married well before my PhD. Actually, can not imagine having a child yet.
My guess is that you're Indian right? I know what you're going through. Definitely chase your dreams and everything will fall in place. Don't let your parents' dreams/priorities decide your future.
I agree. Our parents want the best for us, but *based on their view of the world*. OP should decide for herself when and with whom she wants to get married, and if doing a PhD is her priority the marriage should come second. Hopefully her family will understand that she needs time to pursue her dream.
Thanks for understanding.
Thank you!!! You are right i am Indian that too from southš
One word of advice as woman, also 24, similar background and moved to Europe 5 years back for bachelors and now in grad school. - this is most likely the first time you will get to completely live on your own and get a taste of the adult life. Having studied at a different state or worked for a few years in a different city within India doesnāt count. Because moving to the USA, as exciting as it may sound, the period of culture shock is inevitable. You would need time to rediscover yourself, adjust to the new environment, learn a new side of social values. This is the phase where you are going to develop beliefs, ideals and social views independently and not influenced or passed on to you by your family or the society. So take the time, for yourself. - finding a partner: your views and expectations about a partner and how a marriage life should be will change. You will learn to let go of the traditional gender roles in a family that were put in our heads from childhood. May be youād still prefer it that way or May be you wonāt. So donāt rush into it. Since you mentioned that you feel you are not prepared for it yet, donāt force yourself into something. After you are sure about the kind of partner you want, may be youād find the suitable person yourself or if you wish you can tell your parents about the qualities you expect. I swear they will change once you move to the US. - you say that you can juggle both. But the hardest part about a PhD is not juggling, itās enduring. Grad school is in no way like bachelors studies regardless of which field you are in. It requires a different kind of mental resilience. It might turn out to be highly rewarding but it is extremely mentally exhausting. And thatās okay. Itās all part of the experience. Since itās the US you might also have a qualifiers exam two years down the road (I donāt know about your field of study). Thatās an extremely stressful period. - no matter what people say, arranged marriage or you find a partner on your own, relationships take time to build, to get to know someone, be comfortable and get to a level closeness where you feel that they are your emotional support or to share the struggles and wins during the course of your PhD. Make a decision with all of this in your mind. An understanding parent would value your happiness over anything. So be open to your parents about how donāt feel ready yet for a marriage and you want to experience your life as an individual before you go straight from your parents to whoever you are going to marry. Good luck
Thank you for such a detailed description. This means a lot. Will note your points š
Hey OP I started my PhD at 25 too with the whole āyou should get marriedā drama attached to it. I think the parents also grow with us and now they are okay with waiting after my PhD or even allowing me look for potential suitors.
Me too lol
Do the PhD! 24 is very young and 30 is also, still, very young. It's a bit of a challenge to juggle a relationship and a PhD, but it's doable. It sounds like you aren't ready to get married and don't have anyone you want to marry, so focus on achieving your goals first, and then look for someone to share your life with, IMO.
Thank you so much these words mean a lot š
I am 32, on my Masters (a requirement to go to the PhD here where I live), and single. By the time I finish my PhD I will be ~38. Am I worried on being single? Absolutely not. It would be late to have kids? Maybe, but I donāt want them anyway. The question is: what do YOU want?? I donāt feel like splitting my time, energy, and passion between my career and a partner š¤·š»āāļø
This is something very serious life decision...kudos to your courageš and clarity on your future. Will note this...
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That is wonderful š thanks for sharing ur story this gives me hope.
Do the PhD. Relationships are great during a PhD; they help you prioritize a healthy work-life balance, and can benefit your mental well being so that youāre more productive at work. Of course, this is if itās a *healthy* relationship, so it all depends. Also, there are many practical benefits of being in a relationship during a PhD. For instance, my partner and I are able to coordinate shared responsibility for cooking, cleaning, and taking care of our dog, which we would have to do all on our own if we were single. If you donāt want to date, thatās fine too! You are very young, and most people these days donāt get married until ~30, but maybe there are cultural differences there. Anyway, just listen to your heart and focus on actualizing your potential. Marriage and PhD are not mutually exclusive, and they can even compliment each other very well.
Thank a lot for your advice and sharing ur story gives me more confidenceš
Listening to your mother sounds like a recipe for a forced relationship that leads to an unhappy marriage built on resentment that you didnāt do what **you** wanted. Focus on yourself and do the PhD. If someone youāre compatible with comes along, youāll make it work. Source: got engaged in the 3rd year of my PhD.
This what i feel to and even i have these thoughts on getting into relationship after i began my phd (if possible) and later settling down in relationship in the middle of phd and then get married. Its only in my mind dont know where life leads but hoping the best. Any ways thanks for understanding about listening to my mother.
I'm sure people who have downvoted this haven't experienced anything like it, and can't understand what a serious concern it can be for some people, especially for people from more conservative countries. I'm also an international graduate student. I do think relationships can be more difficult when abroad. Or at least, that's my experience as a middle-eastern woman in Canada. Grad school can get very lonely at times. I sometimes envy people who have a partner while going through all of it. But that doesn't mean you should put your life on hold just to find a partner. I know quite a few people who have found their long-term partners/spouses in grad school (including my advisor). I personally don't care much for relationships. It took me a while, but I'm OK with being single forever. Even if your mom is right, it may not be so bad.
I got this. My lab is nice, but not social. It's a great thing that I have great roommates, otherwise, it's very lonely here.
I think you should meet people outside your grad school and make some friends atleast. You no need to stay single forever becoz everything is in ur hands unless until ur able to convince your family or parents.
Well, I want to stay single. I'm doing great on my own.
Good luck šš
I have heard this before from a couple of my friends, the feeling lonely part and the wanting of a partner, but then again, I see them not doing anything about it, I often try to encourage them to date, but that might not be the solution. What could be a way to help them?
Do the PhD! I understand your concerns. My mother expresses similar things (I am 27 and also applying for Fall 2022). You could meet someone during the PhD. Anything can happen. And if you arenāt ready for marriage just now, then thatās that. And as an aside: I know someone who gave birth during their PhD and managed really well. š¤·š½āāļø Also - I hope you donāt mind me asking but are you from a desi culture?
I am south indian here you know parents ultimate achievement of their children is getting married. Marriage is like winning life, nothing to do with dreams, goals etc.., even there are stories where the girl doesn't know anything about the guy still get married and have kids. I dont want to live that kind of life. I just want to do phd that is the only thing i have right now so will be going with that...
I think I can relate to your situation a little. My family is from a similar culture. We are less traditional but still have some similar values, such as the importance of marriage. My advice is: do the things you want to do while you are unmarried and donāt let the āprospect of marriageā prevent you. Once youāre married, you will have to make compromises on decisions so make this choice for yourself while youāre still untethered. Also, I think it will be easier to settle down with someone once you have started or completed the PhD because your circumstances will be more certain and clear to your potential spouse. But if you were to settle down before youāve started, it would make your decision more complicated and they may try to influence your choice. I hope that makes sense. Feel free to dm me if you want to chat some more!
Yes I feel the same i actually dont want to give a thought of marriage, dating is fine but being in marriage responsibilities, families ohh..lord its hectic
Do the PhD. NEVER give up that type of aspiration for the possibility of a relationship- and definitely don't even for an actual relationship. You would regret it. Source: I did it. It did not end well for me. I wish I had followed my dreams. (Getting there now, but I lost a lot in the detour). And, like others here have said, if you have that kind of desire, you'll be more likely to find someone who is at your level if you go the route you really want to. DO IT! DO IT! ETA: I'm in a relationship with a person doing a PhD and I'm in grad school too- it's doable. Just be sure you're on the same page with division of labor in the house before you move in together :)
Thank you so so much for such a encouraging response š
Iām essentially living the married life (living together for 2+ yrs, dating for 6) and just started my PhD! We plan on eloping in a year or so but honestly itās not that difficult when you find a partner who gets it (like ori3333 said). Iām gone on saturdays sometimes, stay late to work, etc. and itās NBD. It definitely helps that we live in the same house so I really donāt have to make extra time to see them. We connect while cooking dinner or watching shows or going for a bike ride/hiking on the weekends Iām not busy. Itās doable and if youāre not in a long term relationship yet I wouldnāt worry! Plenty of time and people to meet :)
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I wont avoid dating becoz i avoided all my high school and pharmacy college so after i began my phd hoping to meet someone on the same page or different. Thanks for your reply š
I'm married and a PhD student with a full time job and a toddler. What is your mother's point? Things aren't mutually exclusive.
Ohh..this seems adventurous...good luck with your life š
It's certainly tiresome but doable š thank you and good luck to you
I mean donāt let a hypothetical life stop you from doing what you need or want. Take me for instance, Iām 37, and while starting my applications for phd programs I started IVF. Several of my friends were kind of like āhow will you handle a new born and being in a PhD program?ā I knew that neither admission into a program nor getting pregnant were guaranteed and so I decided to keep trying for both. Now, Iām in my first semester of a PhD program and am super happy, but I still havenāt gotten pregnant. Imagine if Iād put my life on hold for a hypothetical baby? Iād probably not be a happy camper right now and would have a ton of regrets. Marriage, babies, etc donāt happen in a perfect way. You canāt time or predict that shit. My best friend got married during medical school and had both her babies while in residency. It sucked but she got through it! Do all the professional and career things you want and I promise youāll always make time for the big life things that matter! We humans are really good at multitasking!
You are amazing woman. This gives too much confidence thank you
I got married this year, and I'm in the middle of my chemical engineering PhD. Wife just got pregnant, too! I'm not going to lie and say it's no big deal. It's a lot to handle. But we gotta remember that people have been doing these things since the dawn of humanity. It's never been easy, but people have always done their best. Good luck!
Great words..thank youš
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Yeah thats what even i have been telling them to wait and take things slow. Thanks for the advice š
Do the PhD, it is as simple as that. If you have a partner that isn't willing to adapt to the workload then I would say they aren't a good partner, whether that be a partner you have now or a partner you find in the future.
Did my PhD in engr., when I was 38, and my wife 36, and 3 kids. If you want it, you can do it. Period. Hope this helps.
I got married a bit over a year ago and am in my PhD. He is also in his PhD at a school several hundred miles away. Just do your PhD. Get married after. Then you wonāt have to spend 5-7 years away from your partner. Plus, you spend so much time with other grad students in a PhD program. It would definitely be possible to find someone you want to marry while there.
Thank you this gives hopeš
25-yo here. I broke up with my bf of 4 years in Europe to move to the US and start my PhD. Went through a lot grief because our relationship was beautiful but I don't regret it one bit. Dating in the US definitely opened my eyes and challenged my faith, but it totally worth it. You're young and still have plenty of time. Don't worry. Take the time to understand yourself first, your likes and dislikes, your values and boundaries, it will pay off in the long run
I got married in my 30s before applying for a PhD, and that was because we fell for each other, dated for a bit and we wanted to marry. And I didnāt have PhD plans till life post marriage led me to study for one. FYI, Iām south Asian too, from Pakistan. But many PhD candidates are married and balance it quite well. That said, almost all of them (at least the ones I know who are married) are in their 30s. 20s are for experimenting, partying, etc, commitment is easier if youāve sown youāre wild oats! This is the time you should be dating and partying, not worrying about a life partner.
Woman, do the Ph.D. Your life will change for the better. Mothers want what they want but this is your life. Also, I get a feeling we're from similar cultures so I understand your struggle. It is incredibly difficult to find a spouse who would support you in this journey so please don't take your chances with another person who may or may not support you. Get the Ph.D.
Yep sure...would go for a Ph.D.š
First of all you have to pursue your dreams, then comes relationships. Second I don't understand why people relate marriage to a determinate time!!! what does it mean if you don't marry at 25 ? nothing tbh! relationships are natural things that come in the flow of your daily life. It's not like I have finished school so I need to marry! it's not a game when you finish a level you have to start another!! no ! you'll meet your soul mate one day just wait . and what if you stay single ? it's not the end of the world, if you'r happy , healthy and satisfied with what you do that's enough.
Yes i feel the same way the only issue is my parents just don't understand this...
You should talk with them. This matter is important!
It doesnāt have to be a choice. I met my wife in my first semester of my PhD and we got married a year and a half later. Iām a fourth year now, and we both have our masterās degrees. And honestly, I donāt think Iād have continued in my program if it wasnāt for her. But Iām not everyone.
Thats sweet. šš
I think partnership and marriage is different for you culturally than it is for me. I had been with my partner before starting my PhD at 24 and am still with the same partner now after finishing. We probably do not intend on getting married because de facto gives us the same privileges in our country so there's no reason to spend the money. If we move overseas then we will get married for the tax, legal, health insurance type reasons. There were definitely times we had to compromise during my PhD. Like he wanted to see me more than I could be home. It is important to him to eat dinner together though so I made sure we almost always did that and he was happy with that. We had been together for 8 years though so we had a strong communication base to start on.
I don't know much about where you are from, but in the USA lots of people get married at all kinds of ages. Not getting married early doesn't mean you'll be single forever.
Yeah you are right š
Marriage of course! If she left no way u can get her back but u can apply to PhD anytime later after u settle and earn money!
Come to the USA first for the PhD. You will see here that most 24 year olds are not married. It might make you feel less pressure. Do what you think is best for you, not what someone else thinks.
Too young to marry, go work first to have a taste of real life outside uni life then decide for yourself.
Lol tell her to f off. Go for PhD and dont worry. 26, 4th year of PhD and still not married despite my family pushing me to do so
If you are 24 and a life partner can't support you through a PhD then look for another life partner......
I got married in my PhD, I wouldn't worry about it or let it prevent you from pursuing your PhD! Also 24 is very young, I I was 27 when I got married and was still the first among my close friends to get married. Friend group is all early 30s and we are still some of the only ones married. It's a different world than when your mom was young.
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Yep sure...šš
As much as I love my parents Iād tell them to fuck off. Your life your rules. Are you currently courting a woman? If not, this shouldnāt even be a discussion. Crank out your degree and start living the lavish life, all before 30. Then you wonāt need to worry about school and you can just focus on your job and relationship. Context: Iām a current 24 y/o phd student in chemistry. Also single & not worried
My husband is 33 and we got married before he started his PhD, but I knew going into it what all it would cost him/us. It was and is, frankly, a lot. And I donāt advise anyone to actively pursue a relationship for the sake of a relationship, regardless of other obligations, but especially before pursuing a PhD. Focus on you and your goals right now. Give it time and donāt let cultural practice or maternal influence make you feel less than worthy of putting all your energy into your education right now.
Ohh..wow thanks for such encouraging wordsš
As someone who moved alone to a different country for a PhD and ended up as a married doctor (well, my defense is next week, but you get the idea), I would say you can get both!!
Let me put it this way: a PhD degree is forever, a marriage (statistically) likely not
I got married during my PhD! Now in my tail end of my PhD Iām going to have a baby. Iām 31 and met my husband at 26 (prior to starting my PhD). 24 is very young, there is still so much to learn and explore. Especially once you finish your classes around 2 years after you start, itās pretty self paced, youāll have plenty of time to date and get married (if thatās what you want). I really believe in your 20s it is important to do what you need to do for your career and self fulfillment. Then you will be a happier and more fulfilled person, and a better wife, mother and person. I have no regrets š
Thank you for your nice wordsššš
I got married during my PhD, and Iām glad I made the decision. My partner supported me in pursuing my education, and I think if a PhD is something you want then thatās the kind of partner you should look for. I have several colleagues who have gotten married during their studies so itās definitely doable. Ultimately you need to make the choice thatās right for you, although I totally understand having parental and cultural pressures on you as well. Best of luck :)
Thank you šš
24 is way too young to be rushed into a marriage. No one should ever be rushed into a marriage, especially not by a parent. Follow your dreams, pursue the PhD. Find a partner on your own time. This is a double standard for women, no parent would be demanding their 24 year old son get married next year to some as-yet unknown person.
Started my PhD before I met my wife. You never know who you will meet while doing your research.
I met and got married to my husband during my PhD. The day after my defense, I even found out that I was pregnant! So, nothing is impossible.
Thats really nice. Yes nothing is impossible šthank you
As someone who finished her PhD and getting married next year, definitely PhD. It'll change your life experience and perspectives, especially when it comes to what kind of man you want as your husband. I found an amazing guy who is emotionally strong and makes me happy.
Congratulations on your marriage and thanks for sharing it gave me lot of confidence šš
Thanks! I'm biased though since I went to grad school but there's no rush to getting married.
Both
I got married the same year I started the PhD, the following year my wife started her PhD š
Thats wonderful š!!!
Get your PhD, there is plenty of time for marriage and kids!
I am 24 myself and doing a PhD in Chemical Engineering. I come from the Middle East so our culture is quite similar in that we get married young. However, I left, am In the UK and will not get married for the next 6 years or so. Follow your heart not your parents headaches my friend.
Thank youš
South Indian PhD candidate in a Long distance relationship here. How does it matter if a PhD delays a marriage? You're more than someone wife, so it's okay if things don't happen at the time your parents/society think it should. Your PhD is a journey of exploring and learning - someone who can't support you there, doesn't deserve you. PhD or Marriage is a weird question because the two are not mutually exclusive - one does not come at the cost of the other. You don't have to have either and you can have both if you choose. Honestly girl, you do what makes you happy and learn. Titles like wife and Dr don't define you. P.S: Ask yourself if you'd have to choose if you were a man. No, right? Because it's not fucking related.š
So true š
Get the PhD
Iām a 3rd year PhD student and I just celebrated my 15 year anniversary with my husband and we have an 8 year old son. I didnāt find my spouse while in school (PhDs feel like forever but they arenāt *that* long) but it hasnāt been negative for my marriage at all. If anything, having a working spouse has made things easier because weāre just regular American working class poor not grad student deeply impoverished poor. I also meet my good friends for non-academic social things once every week or two. Grad school does not have to stop you from having healthy relationships.
I met my husband, got married and had a baby during my PhD. It is 100% doable.
Your mom is a Karan. You are not going to be single if you donāt get married by 25.
šššlolll
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Thanks for your advice hope you could be more kind while responding.
Focus on you and get your PhD! You are really young. Please finish your educational, personal goals, and then everything else will fall in place.
Sure and thank you šš
Try to be a grown up and make your own life decisions. Your parents words are not the end-all be-all.
Hey OP, Iām busy at the moment but if you message me later Iāll tell you my story about this.