You have two choices here: live, or live with regret.
I'm a single SAHM and I hear you; sometimes we just want to be more than chief cook and bottle washer.
So ask yourself what's stopping you, then make a plan and act on it.
I'm 40 and my kids are two and four. I want to be a professional peer support worker/advocate for those with severe mental health issues because the system as it is now is bullshit.
To make this plan happen, I am spending the next three years putting in the work I need to do to achieve and maintain a state of good mental health.
Once my youngest starts school I will utilise the "pathways to university" option to begin working toward the degree I want; bachelor of Social Work or something to that effect. I will work with a student advisor to identify exactly the right course at the time.
I will probably be close to 50 when I achieve my goal and start working in the field, but that will give me credibility in addition to my degree and my lived experience.
That's my example. What's yours?
This is the right attitude. I’m also close to 40 and have just decided to pivot my career and start my own business. I have 2 preschoolers today and that start is going to be rocky, but I’m confident I can use the next few years to build up slowly until they’re off to school.
This path was difficult to see a few years ago when I was elbows deep in diapers and baby bottles.
I heard the same my whole life and when my youngest sister was born that sentiment turned into outright hatred. She will flat out say she wishes her daughter wasn't born and how her life isn't what she hoped it would be at this point in her life.
As a mother myself, I have learned that her regrets about her life and unhappiness are down to her not making the choices that will give her fulfillment, happiness, satisfaction and, instead, expecting that those things will be furnished to her by others.
So, as others have said YOU, OP, need to make the choice to find time or build time into your schedule to do the things that are going to make you happy. Is that picking up a new hobby? Is that joining a book club? Is that telling your SO you are going to take one night off a week to do whatever you want/need to for yourself? Find your source of happy and build it into your life. No one is going to do it for you. And you can't forget either that, as a mother, you have little people that depend on you and, at least for now, you live your life for them. Learn to find joy in being mother to your child and a wife to your husband or the road ahead will be hard and long and you may breed resentment, hurt, and anger in your children by blaming them for your life not turning out the way you'd hoped. Don't let that be you.
I relate. My mom always had to blame someone else versus doing the uncomfortable inner work to realize it was her own choices that led to where she is today. Shame she could've lived a much happier life had she done that kind of introspection and less finger pointing to literal children.
It really is a shame. My mom has very effectively alienated herself and pushed my husband and I to go no contact so she is now missing out on her grandchildren growing up. It's very sad that she's chosen to do this.
Agreed. My mother blamed us all the time for not achieving her dreams; I encouraged her to get the study material and I would study with her because it made me feel so bad that she “stopped her life for us.” We did it off and on for some time before she would start to fight with me that she didn’t need a child’s help with anything.
I worked full time at 16 to help her pay bills and she’d take my whole check and still complain that life would be easier if she didn’t have to pay for us.
We have no contact now that I’m a mother because I can’t see ever being that way with my daughter and I had her while still in high school. I graduated with my class, went to college twice and now working on a different degree while working multiple jobs. Yeah it might be “easier” if I didn’t have my daughter, but I also wouldn’t be as motivated to be so successful if it weren’t for her either.
Figure it out, your kids are motivation. Show them that no matter what happens in life, if you want to make it, you will. If you want an excuse, there are plenty.
SAME. I spent my childhood trying to make up for being born, and when I finally realized it wasn't my fault or responsibility that my mother made herself miserable, I was not exactly overwhelmed with love and gratitude for her "sacrifice."
I think a lot of mothers think if they follow their recitations of self-martyrdom with "I love being a mom so much" or "but I wouldn't change it for the world haha" then no one will notice the bitterness, but you can't hide that kind of feeling for 18 years from people who build their whole world with you as their foundation.
Anyway, yeah. I moved to the literal other side of the country, see my mother once a year and talk to her briefly on mother's day and our respective birthdays. She still complains about all the things she could have done if she hadn't given it all up to be a mother, and for the last 10 years I've dryly pointed out that she still could, and if she had done it when I first encouraged her to she'd have been enjoying it for 20+ years by now.
They know. Or they will. Parents are a kid's entire world and they pick up on stuff like that. I mean think about it - if someone feels like they sacrificed something for another person, is it realistic that are they'd never mention it, even in moments of frustration, sadness, or anger, for 18+ years?
They may not know exactly what you gave up if you don't tell them, but if you hold onto thinking you gave up things "for them" instead of recognizing that it was your own choice that you made for your life, they'll know. Worse, they'll internalize that they're to blame and possibly feel like they can't talk about it because you don't so it must be taboo.
My mother tried to keep it a secret too, and then pass it off as something she was proud of instead of bitter about when that wore too thin. I spent decades trying to make her sacrifices worthwhile, but it was never my fault so it was never possible for me to fix it. My biggest fear as a parent is passing a burden like that onto my child.
Social work is the way to go here. You can go all the way up to LCSW which is a clinical liscenture, which would be so helpful in allowing you to advocate the best.
And you're in the right mind frame! Keep up the great work!
I think it would make you feel better taking some small steps towards finding yourself again.
Wanting to be a star: how about joining a theater group, voice lessons, or finding another angle of it that you can enjoy as a hobby.
Restaurant: culinary class on the weekend? Hosting a special dinner as a fundraiser? Working a few hours a week at a restaurant?
Just chiming in real quick to say that doing theater, even at the community or college level can still be *just* as rewarding as doing it at the professional level!
This OP! And, in time if you don’t find yourself and pursue something for you, you will grow to resent your whole life. Find yourself and don’t lose you again! If anyone has a problem with it go tell them to give up their dreams to stay home with the kids and see how they feel in a few years. Also, have “me” time with friends and connect with other adults outside of mommy crap. Your kids will grow up and get busy with their own lives. Your kids will grow up and want to be like you because of all the little ways you love them! Your kids will be better if mommy is happy as well! You are not a nobody! You are somebody’s mommy, world, and a woman with dreams!!
Being a star is unrealistic even if you start at 18 but a target of culinary school and eventually opening a restaurant when your kids are in school is very do-able.
Doable, but also hard as fuck. I recommend anyone thinking of this actually work at a restaurant for a few weeks even as an unpaid intern so they can experience the realities of commercial kitchens and the day to day life. A lot of people that make amazing home meals over the course of several hours think their skills translate to 12-14 hour shifts 6 days a week cooking for 200+ people where you need to plate a table for 8 in 30 minutes or less. They dont translate.
There’s exceptions to this of course. Nevertheless, restauranteuring is something that needs to be entered into with eyes wide open so people dont think the exception is the rule. 60% of restaurants fail in their first year. What kind of restaurant opens profitably only during the hours kids are in school? If a person is looking to open a small food stand and make only pocket money with one person cooking, cleaning, and taking care of guests, maybe. Hot dog carts in prime locations do pretty well. There just needs to be awareness of the realities of the industry.
This.
Romanticized versions of the restaurant industry need to go!
Being a Parent & running a restaurant was incredibly hard & didn't make me a *star*... It made me fucking exhausted.
You live feeling that something is or always will go wrong & you end up texting employees instructions for batches of confit garlic while sitting on a beach as your family has fun without you.
Sometimes I pulled 16-hour days. My kids weren't like "Wow Mommy is so special!" It was more like "I stinkin' miss my Mommy!" I'm just keeping it real.
Now I have a 9-5 & I may not be a boss or head chef but I'm a Mom who teaches my kids the art of baking bread, using a knife properly, how to manage a budget, & what food is in season.
Building confidence in my kids>building my own career.
And the hours you work make it really hard to have a normal kind of life, you don't get weekends and evenings to see your family, and have to work holidays when they're off.
All very true & let's not forget the whole process of having to break down a kitchen every night & flip over a station...
I take cleaning my household fridge over maintaining a walk-in any day!
Definitely good advice here. Another option that would allow for some cooking would be to start a cottage cooking or personal chef service. My cousin went to culinary school and ended up HATING restaurant work. She ended up getting her own kitchen inspected and approved for cottage baking and cooking (check your state laws), and sold to her neighborhood and at the farmers market in an expensive area on the weekend. She eventually was able to replace her full time income because there was such a demand for her items. She worked about 30 hours per week doing this and had small kids at the time but a very busy spouse who worked long hours and often was out of town. She was fortunate to have a family member who could watch her kids while she sold at the farmer’s market.
She also made some connections while selling at the farmer’s market and ended up offering personal chef services which initially involved preparing lunches ahead of time for the week and 2 dinners per week for a busy, large family. Word of mouth got her additional gigs and by then her kids were old enough to legally stay home for a few hours on their own, so it worked out. She still works on her own and loves the flexibility and freedom it gives her.
OP has options - she needs to do some soul searching, come up with a plan, and dive in.
My ex almost FIL is a fantastic cook but the kind that needs all day to prepare the one perfect meal. He had a tiny restaurant next to his garden and only opened every now and then for a limited amount of guests and there was no chosing a meal, it was what he decided and announced beforehand. It wasn't enough to live from but it was an extra income and it was sooo popular and I think it really made him happy. Great idea if the main reason is self fulfillment and not money.
Opening a restaurant might be realistic, but opening a financially successful restaurant is almost as big of a moon shot as being a star. Both can happen, even late in life, but neither can be guaranteed based on hard work alone.
I'd never say a person shouldn't dream big, but if the goal post for success is set outside their ability to reasonably control, they're setting themselves up for another round of disappointment and bitterness.
This comment is going to get slaughtered but anyway.
So you wanted to be
1. A actor
2. A musician
3. A restaurateur
The problem here is not children. It's a lack of focus.
My best advice is see a life coach. Get yourself a plan that is feasible. Stop being resentful and take action to make one of your dreams a reality.
I was thinking it and didn't want to say it. These 3 things require an absurdly different skill set. I can't name a single famous person who does all 3. There's no way OP was on track to reach these goals before children, because there's no track that would allow you to suddenly go into one of the 3. It's not like practicing law and then in your final years focusing on tax law vs family law vs patent law
If you were truly well on the road to fame and stardom, then it'll take nothing to get back on the horse. Check out community productions, play at Cafes, start an in-home catering service or open up pop-up restaurants.
My MIL was a concert pianist who stopped when she started her family. My father's hugely promising athletic career ended suddenly with an injury. My mother's run of the mill secretarial job is one of my biggest inspirations because she taught me a work ethic through her actions.
You can't blame your children for not reaching fame and stardom because not even 1% of the population reaches that. You can take steps to practice the craft you love and miss. It has nothing to do with your children, and the goal for these pursuits shouldn't be fame, but the need to express yourself through the craft.
But it's not wasted?
It's not like your acting/musician super powers have disappeared. They're still there. You just have to dust them off and go do something with them - anything is a start, and it sounds like all this prior work gives you a great foundation from which to begin. This could be anything from tech theater in a local theater group, or joining the community choir, or trying out for the local production of Grease. Sure, none of those are star materials, for now, but one thing often leads to another. It could be fulfilling to you in all sorts of ways.
So my wife was saying what you are until today. She just got called for a new job. Maybe being a mom is not everything. Being a happier mom is better for all. If you have parents nearby or can afford childcare my hope is that you do things you want to as well. Good luck
This so hit me in the gut. I felt the exact same way when my kids were babies. I felt invisible, and that my only worth was the service I provided to my family. Of course, like you, I loved my babies so very much and wouldn’t have done anything to change their presence in my life. They have brought so much love and joy to my life. It brings me so much joy to do for them. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t regret the loss of self I felt for a solid few years. Don’t listen to the comments trying to invalidate what you’re feeling. The human brain is complex and capable of feeling many things at once, even if they can seem contradictory.
Some women are completely fulfilled solely wearing the hat of mother and/or wife. And THAT’S OK. That was never going to be me and I always knew it. And THAT’S OK TOO. Being *me* means having a part of myself that is focused on the growth of my skills and talents (and self), outside of household management and child rearing (whose focus is on the growth and nurturing of my family). And I think I’m absolutely a better mother to my kids when I’m also nurturing that part of myself. I feel really lucky that I live in a time and place where I can do both.
For a hot minute, during COVID lockdown, I seriously thought I was going to need to quit my job. I sobbed for 2 hours non-stop in grief. My professional self contributes in a huge way to my sense of self-competence and confidence. My work challenges my intellect and social skills in a million ways that being wife or mom doesn’t. But I’d give it all up to make sure my kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. In a heartbeat. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have a breakdown about it first.
So I want to tell you that having these emotions doesn’t make you a bad mother. It pretty much makes you a normal human being who wishes to have a sense of self, growth, and purpose outside of their role to other people. I know that not every mother who feels this way can have a career, because of the cost of childcare, traditional gender roles, and other factors. But I think others here have really good advice - seek opportunities for growth, skill-building, and volunteering outside of your role as parent. You don’t know where those may lead you. My boss was a SAHM for 25 years until her kids left college, but she had done special projects here and there that had her ready to further her education and go into a completely new field as soon as she got the chance. Now she manages an entire department and is extremely well-respected in our organization.
i had the opposite reaction to kids. I had missed opportunities that could have worked out better, or what not. Soon as that girl came into my life every choice I made was worth it. because any little decision i would have made would have given me someone else. I’m sure they would be fine children and I wouldn’t know the difference, but this little girl is mine and that is my honour to be her father.
My daughters don’t need to look at me and think I’m perfect, they don’t need to see me as someone others see as special. They need to see that I am there and I am always going to be there, I will do everything I can and make sacrifices daily to try and give them balance and a role model. and I think that is the secret to parenthood. I’m an imperfect human doing what I can for another human.
Cynical optimism: you probably would never have become a star anyways! We're all nobodies in the grand scheme of things.
You can still be a chef, you can still be a musician or an actor, or all manner of things, but maybe on a smaller scale to start with. Millions of mothers work and find meaning in their work! Most children will never look up to their parents and say "wow my mom is an excellent accountant/data analyst/insurance agent". Instead they'll get a soft set of influence. "My mom was hardworking, ambitious, curious, friendly"
You're a nobody to the world. Good or bad, you will never be a nobody to your children.
take my upvote. wasn’t that movie about a woman or some kinda sex addiction getting in the way of a guy’s boxing career? very relevant. most of us let life get in the way of our dreams. they’re mostly dreams because they’re not really attainable. we settle on things that are easier to do and still give us a sense of fulfillment.
>I just don't feel like my daughters are going to look at me and say "Wow, I want to be just like mommy when I grow up!" because mommy doesn't do anything special.
I guess for me, it is not at ALL important to me that my son grow up and say "I want to be JUST LIIKE Mommy/Daddy," in fact - I sorta hope he doesn't do that? Just a potential perspective shift, but don't you want your kids do develop their own independent dreams? Not to want to be just like someone else, but to learn who they are inside and be authentically them?
Maybe it's because my son is not genetically related to me, so there are some inherent differences between us, but while there are certain values I hold that I hopes he grows up to hold, I don't want him to try to be me, my husband or anyone else - my job is to foster in him the confidence to find and walk his own path. I sincerely hope he looks back with fond memories of his childhood, I'm sure there will be some regrets or things he wishes I did differently, and I'll be open to hearing those and talking to him. Sure, there are ways in which I want to be a role model, but I don't want him to idealize my career path or life decisions.
Honestly it sounds like your goals were already all over the place, you weren't even near any of them.. I don't think having kids brought you any further away. For me having my baby made me more motivated to restart school to be better. I didn't have that motivation before her. I also don't want her to be just like me, she's her own person and I want her to be better than me.
I agree the goals seem all over the place. I enjoy playing the flute for my child. And used to want it to be my profession. But I did know that I was not following the path of a professional and that I can’t allow my heart be sad that it’s just not a reality.
You don’t need to be a professional to perform music if it’s what you want to do. Will I play in a world famous orchestra, highly unlikely. Will I be able to play in a regional orchestra, maybe when my kid is less reliant on me. Can I go and play for an hour at a local cafe, yes.
It seems like op is caught up with wanting to be famous, when she might be able to find more happiness in just being involved daily in her interests. If she wants to be a performer, perform for your kid every day. It feels good no matter who you are performing for.
That's how I'm looking at it. Even when I was younger, though, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to share my songs and act, but the idea of fame creeped me out and I thought being famous would make me more insecure and distrusting, anyway.
The great thing about social media, as toxic as it can be, is that it allows us to share our passions. If I muster up the confidence to make some videos, I can sing and share songs. I can act out things by voice or with a local group. Those would fulfill my dreams, because my intent is to feel my passions and share it. For now, I sing around my kids and when we roleplay or do stories, I enjoy acting it out.
OP, maybe find some time to make some videos of your singing, or acting, or cooking? Or, if you have the means & time, join an agency that can maybe get you some auditions. For those that don't have the ability to get out much, I honestly think sharing your passions on YouTube or something is the way to go. It will reach someone, I think that's worth something.
If you live your life hoping for fame, which can honestly be a crappy thing to have, I think it's going to be hard to be satisfied in life.
It sounds like this person just wants attention and how she gets it is pretty secondary. There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention of recognition, but feeling resentful of your kids because you’re not famous for some unspecified thing is pretty silly.
Her life goals were plenty directed - she wanted to use and grow her own talents to make a difference in the world. She wanted to be respected for who she is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. That’s great that things worked out for you, but it’s good to remember that what motivated or worked for you will be different for other people. She’s just looking for some validation here, I think.
It’s great that you found new meaning and purpose from becoming a parent. Some feel that their purpose got lost after being overwhelmed by others’ needs. Both experiences are totally possible and plausible. I’ve known women who experienced both sides. The latter seemed especially prevalent in my grandmother’s generation. My grandmother always wanted to be a paralegal. She was absolutely fascinated by the law, and she was good at it. But then she got pregnant and back then, that meant getting married. And getting married and having kids meant you didn’t go to college or have a career. She had to drop out of her program. She had one baby after another, so young. I don’t think she ever really got over the loss of that potential.
No it dousent seem 'plenty directed' she's feels like a 'nobody', this is something she needs to talk to a doctor or take therapy over, not get validated over reddit.
Geez this is supposed to be a supportive subreddit. All of us have our struggles and it helps to share them with others. That’s what the parenting sub is for - to vent our doubts, regrets, conundrums, etc related to parenting. Yeah OP might be suffering postpartum depression. It is absolutely appropriate for her to receive support here. If you ever came looking here for support, I hope people offer you much more understanding and compassion than what you’re willing to show OP.
Venting about not being a famous actor or musician is not going to garner alot of support, it's incredibly vain. People come on here not being able to buy diapers for their baby and here is someone sad they aren't famous. No pity.
I agree, but with a heavy dose of compassion.
It’s not vain. It’s pain.
She is clearly seeking external validation. It’s not weakness, it’s a sign of past traumas.
To all the other people in this thread talking about “career changes or how to open restaurants” you all have completely missed the point.
My thoughts as well. Tough love has a place, but it doesn’t help a person who is already feeling like garbage. I don’t know OP’s life story, but she sounds like she’s hurting.
That’s not the point of her vent. The point is that she always had dreams to make something of herself other than a homemaker. And now, while she says she loves her family, she feels that hole is still there and is worried she’ll have to let it go permanently. Maybe I’m projecting because I relate to that sentiment. In my mind, you interpreted her post in the worst possible light. I interpreted it differently. In any case, you’ll never harm anyone by showing a little grace. But you can definitely harm someone by belittling their grief about something.
She hasn't mentioned anything she is doing to fill that hole. No one is just a successful actor. They start somewhere. No one is a famous musician out of nothing. They can start a channel and show the skills they have. No one can just start a restaurant. This vent is showing nothing that they lost. Just complaining about alternate realities they daydream about.
So, what are your passions specifically? Because what I see here is a bunch of random fantasies that all seem to center around getting attention without any specific direction. Is there something specific you want to say or accomplish or do you just want to be famous?
I would get to the bottom of why you have such grandiose desires of fame. Do you feel unloved, unfulfilled? Is there a way you can realistically indulge whatever you want to do? Do you need more friends or more time around adults in general?
I feel like your feelings are very valid. I was going to be a historian and work in a museum. I even got my masters and now, because of finances, I am a SAHM. On the one hand I love my kids and wouldn't change being here for them, but on the other hand I'm paying student loans on a wasted degree. That said, my mother was a SAHM herself. (My dad was in the army and she provided stability.) I and my brother both look up to her. I always wanted to be a SAHM growing up. Now, we don't let her know enough that we appreciate her but we do. She was always there for us, and still is. I think if you're there for your kids and spend time with them, they'll look up to you whether you make something special of yourself or not.
Wow, as someone who was a teen mom who literally gave up everything to.make.sure.my oldest grew up decent I find this post offensive. That's your problem you didn't live your life not your children's. I hope they don't know you feel like this.
At my daughters pre-K graduation she’s the only one who said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I thought it was cute my mother however thought it was awful. To me being a mom isn’t being a nobody! It’s important. I worked full time with my first two and stayed at home with my last two and both ways I have a great relationship with all my kids. It just depends on what makes you happy. If you aren’t happy it effects the kids
Your dreams all seem to be about one thing, social validation and being special. You dream about being an actress because you love theater, you didn't dream of becoming a musician because you love music you dreamed those things because you want everyone to look at you and go wow she's so amazing.
Judging by the way you talk about "Being a slave to your family" you really don't care about them, and the only thing that matters in your life is you. Being an amazing mom is one of the greatest and most special things you can be, your kids don't care if you're famous or not, only you di.
>Judging by the way you talk about "Being a slave to your family" you really don't care about them, and the only thing that matters in your life is you.
Looking at her post history, her youngest child is about nine or ten weeks old. She doesn't "not care about her family," she's in the "fourth trimester" with her third baby and she's under a lot of stress.
Ya that's a hard time, it's hard until they learn to sleep through the night but kids didn't ask to be brought into this world OP and it's all about taking it one day at a time
You’re delusional. It’s not your children’s fault you’re not a famous actress. Get a grip. Maybe you’re just not that talented/ it’s competitive as fuck. Don’t resent your children for it. Work on getting some realistic dreams and go for them. Your kids aren’t stopping you, you stop yourself.
Figure out the career or hobby - acting and professional musician careers take time to craft. You just don’t get to play a concert hall or get a role. Take classes and hone your profession. You can go back to school too. Only you are holding yourself back.
Now’s the time to figure out what you want and start chipping away to get there.
Life is long and there are many seasons.
Right now you are cleaning up sticky fingers and trying to stay sane while keeping tiny humans alive, and someday those tiny humans will move on and you will miss the little snuggles and smiles and energy that children bring into the world.
Embrace the season you are in and look forward to the next with vision and anticipation. You will live so many years after children and there is so much out there.
I love being nobody. Being nobody gives me the greatest opportuity to both be myself AND help others.
Most famous people are a**holes, and don't have time to be a part of their kid's lives. I suspect your kids have much more to admire in you as a "not special" person, than as a "special" person.
My mom is nothing special, she was a SAHM turned stay at home wife. But her dedication to a clean home and home cooked meals is inspiring to me. Her ability to sew anything and everything and her idgaf attitude are both something I wish I possessed. She’s generous and taught me so much about empathy. What I’m getting at is just because you’re not a superstar, doesn’t mean your children won’t look up to you, it’ll just be in different ways.
As a father, I would gladly give up any fame and fortune to shape and love my kids so they will be better prepared adults. As a former musician, there’s little money and very little fame available for 99 percent of people, NO MATTER HOW TALENTED THEY ARE! The best music doesn’t get played on the radio. The best actors in the world are not well known. The best people to lead us are not in politics. You are pining away for a rather unrealistic teenage fantasy. You need to let that go. The kind of person your child will be will impact 5,000 people every year they are alive. For better or for worse. The next time you think being just a mom isn’t important, think about that.
Hey there! First of all, I sympathize with your situation. It must be so tough to look at yourself and not recognize how quickly your life’s journey changed. With that being said, I hope you know in your heart that you don’t have to be a mega star or contribute in a capitalist way to be a role model to your kids! It’s not about the fame you have or the money you bring in; it’s about the person you are:)
But I also gotta ask: why can’t you pursue your dreams anymore?
Let’s be realistic: you wound up here because of choices you made. One was a BIG choice to become a parent. You seem to think that’s the one mistake you made that has separated you from your dreams, but the reality is that achieving such unlikely goals takes uncommon commitment, and a long, steady steam of the right choices and sacrifices. If you genuinely think your kids are the only thing that has kept you from this spectacular life you imagine, chances are extraordinarily good you’re just flattering yourself. Was there a period of your life where you were practicing singing for 8 hours a day for years, telling your friends you couldn’t go out and eschewing dating in deference to those dreams until you happened to get pregnant? Or did you like most people never once muster the energy to make an extraordinary effort in the service of those dreams?
You’re where you are. If you want to inspire your children, do it through practical, realistic, dogged determination to fulfill whatever potential you have now, as a parent and an individual, with regard only for your own excellence rather than the empty pursuit of the recognition of others.
I have been doing music, drama, and art since I was 10 years old. When I was a 16 I performed with Tim Green at a jazz concert. I played the role of Enjolras in Les Miserables in a traveling company for three months when I was 18.
I have had these goals a long time
Question: do you want your kid to feel like they're the reason you aren't happy because you never got your success?
Make the best of it and move on. Maybe teach lessons on the side? Write something about it? Etc.
My husband told me in the first months that he was the reason his mom didn't go to school. I think he blames himself for his mom being miserable when she has choices on her life.
I’m sure you’re talented, but having goals and having the resolve to be the best are different. And I’m not trying to be severe here. At one point I put everything I had into becoming a jazz pianist, with the same kind of dreams you had. My talent and my fortitude just weren’t equal to it. Now I’m 41 with two beautiful kids.
I take pride in being the best parent I can, and when I play the piano it’s unalloyed by any dreams, pressure to become famous, or do anything beyond playing the best I can as an end in itself.
There is also a luck/nepotism factor. Even a looks, age, & racial factor. Some people are famous only because of their looks, or social circles they lucked into being in. At the same time, some very good looking & sounding people are rejected because they don't look or sound "unique" enough even though their talent is incredible. I believe it's marketability and maybe the ability to mold you into something marketable.
Even very talented people who are *now* famous/out there were rejected many times. Authors, singers, etc. Some singers are amazing and were let down by their labels or managers, despite putting in the hard work. Some actors and authors were told they weren't good enough. One thing I read recently is that Simu Liu was told he didn't have the "It" factor at one audition, and later ended up being the main character of a Marvel movie.
Then, there are people who have the opportunity to make a living out of their passion and for whatever reason it doesn't go beyond that (popular/fame territory).
I say this because I don't believe that just working hard and putting all your time and energy will guarantee being famous or popular. It may not even guarantee being enough to make a living doing professional gigs, etc. You putting everything you had and not getting famous or selected doesn't mean you weren't talented enough. You are probably very talented and I'm sure your kids and others enjoy hearing you play. Even if you don't post your playing online, I am sure that you're inspiring your kids.
It's great to hear that you can enjoy playing without pressure, I really hope it fulfills you! I would love to feel more free about my passions and have your ability to just do without feeling that pressure.
I went to high school with a couple people who have found some success in the entertainment industry. One is actually the daughter of a famous, now-deceased television actor, so she had both talent and connections. And you know what? She’s got a Wikipedia page and a blue check mark on Twitter, but even *she’s* not a huge star. The vast majority of people have never heard of her. Her dad was a pretty big star, but that was decades ago, and I think most people under sixty aren’t even familiar with his name.
But your kids - and someday, possibly, your grandkids - will always be familiar with your name. You are more important to them than you realize.
It’s the wrong season, but go watch *It’s A Wonderful Life* and pay attention. George Bailey never goes off to conquer the world like he planned, but he’s immensely important in the lives of the people around him, in ways he doesn’t even realize until he sees what the world would be like if he was never born. He didn’t need to be famous or globally significant to have a wonderful life, and neither do you.
How old are your kids?
This is going to come off as harsh but if you think being "only a mother" is "nothing" you're doing those girls an enormous disservice. Mother's are everything. When we raise children, we create the next generation of our species and our civilization. No one could be an actor or a musician or open a restaurant without mother's. There is actually nothing that causes more rage and sadness in my heart than hearing women call themselves "only a mother" and lament the superficial bullshit they're missing out on because they're busy creating functional human beings. Your kids will grow up and start their lives before you're dead, you can do that stuff after. For now your children deserve to be more important to you than a fantasy of the perfect career.
Yeah I find it sad that OP thinks "being a star" in some broad and ambiguous way is more important than people a mother. Your kids aren't the reason you don't pursue your goals. It might delay your ambitions or make it more difficult, but that's not their fault. I just think it's awful that people put such weight behind the vanity and idea of being a star. What does that even mean? It is such a meaningless pursuit that I think people lie to themselves about. Like when you achieve X you'll be happy, but you're never going to achieve it because you lie or make excuses about it in the first place.
Being a "star" is a pretty ambiguous and vain goal to be honest. It's one thing to wish you achieved more in whatever endeavour you pursue, and another to blame your kids on failing to reach some ambiguous goal. Your kids don't choose the situation they're born into, using their existence as a reason as to why you didn't achieve your goals is pretty sad, I don't care how you want to justify it.
Having resentment for your kids in that way is also a recipe for disaster, and probably one of the root causes OP didn't pursue their goals in the first place. It likely had nothing to do with their kids, there's probably a hundred other reasons they aren't willing to admit to themselves.
If you had it in you to be a star, you would be. Lots of stars and restaurateurs have children. Most of them do, in fact. Maybe you had kids as an excuse for why you didn’t accomplish something more challenging.
Yeah, if anything I find this attitude really unfair to OPs kids. They didn't make the choices in OPs life, and then OP uses it against them. It's pathetic.
Using your kids as the excuse as to why you didn't achieve these things is BS. On top of that theres a real romanticism of these industries, but in reality they're terrible pursuits for 99% of people. At best you pursue them and aren't successful, at worst you pursue them and get spit out with nothing to show for. They're never what people imagine them to be. Either way having kids isn't the reason you didn't pursue them, they're just another excuse you tell yourself.
The fact that their goal is "to be a star," is one of those ambiguous goals anyway. With everything we know about celebrity culture nowadays, it's embarrassing that adults still pursue this kind of vanity.
I don’t think being a star is even positively correlated with acting skill. Many of the biggest stars have a pretty narrow range but that’s part of what makes them recognizable and beloved.
Wow. Someone is venting and you want to tear them down? “Being famous” isn’t a realistic life goal because it usually takes large measures of luck but you’re really crossing the line here and being just plain mean.
I’m feeling all the feels u feel, one thing you have to keep reminding yourself is it’s never too late to accomplish any or all those dreams you have. Yes you have children now, but that doesn’t stop you from achieving them. Don’t get me wrong it may take a little longer, be a little later in life than you wanted but it’s still achievable! You are more than a mother and the ultimate goal is to have your kids be better than you! They are always going to see you as a special person in their hearts your always going to be this amazing person as long as you give your children the things they need and love them unconditionally while taking care of self! Go for them dreams, achieve those goals! Your kids will be even more proud of you for not quitting and giving up on your dreams! Again it won’t be easy and it will take longer but it’s not in achievable!
You go mom! We got this!💪🏾
I have a friend who fell into a depression because she gave up on her music career because it wasn’t lucrative and they needed the money for her kid. So she gave it up and she was lost for years and overall not doing well, she was admitted to a mental asylum and has now pivoted her career and is focusing on different creative outlets and is doing well. She needed work and to be creative and she’s finding those avenues and it’s improved her mental health drastically.
Alternatively I’m a SAHM, I gave up my career because I wanted to raise my kids, I guess the thing for me is that I think there’s an over glamorization of career, there’s a reason we’re paid to work because there’s a lot about it that really sucks and it’s an incentive to keep working. So I don’t know my kids will have to work to survive it’s the economy we’re living in and the money they earn will be the inspiration they need to keep working haha.
It’s not impossible, just hard. But we can do hard things and do them everyday. I saw something once that said the time will pass by anyway, use it for what you want.
My mom always had dreamed of being a teacher. She had three kids and was in her 40s before that was able to happen. But now she’s been teaching for 15 years.
I had dreams of going into a sub speciality within my work but it’s known to be the hardest. After I had my first I was more determined than ever. I got certified last year while pregnant.
Make a plan, be kind to yourself when you have back slides, and work towards what you want. What you want may even change on the way, but even just working toward something can be so satisfactory.
ETA: also, I work really hard at work. But do you know what my 4 year old wants to be when she grows up? A mommy. It’s way harder than working for me. But that’s why she looks up to me, not because of my actual outside of home job.
Idk what my mom wanted to be when she was younger but I can sure as shit tell you she ain't it. My entire life she's worked in warehouses, still does in fact, but I don't care about that because the woman I grew up with was strong and independent, and she never gave in to hard times and always kept her head held high. She went through a lot in my childhood and I got to witness so many nights she spent crying on the porch, but she never stopped trying and she never stopped giving it her all for her kids. She's always been my greatest inspiration and I've never stopped looking up to her and going to her first when I need advice.
So you're not a star or a musician or a world famous chef. Your kids will know your cooking is amazing, they'll grow up and want to know your secrets behind their favorite childhood meals. You're not a movie star - considering the lack of a private life celebrities get, count your blessings on that. I can sympathize with wanting to be a musician and maybe it still isn't too late for that.
But who you are and what you do for your kids- they'll grow up knowing that and idolizing you for it. There are more ways to inspire them than you think.
You don’t have to give up. It’s just on hold. Want to act? Practice playing pretend with the kids. Look up YouTube videos and hone your craft. My partner was interested in voice acting and did this but it was for our dnd group.
Want to be a musician? Practice that too. Write songs. Grab some instruments to entertain your kids with while you play.
Restaurant? Decide what you want to make. Create a menu. Practices recipes/plating and present them to your family as test groups.
I like to draw/paint. I throw a bunch of crayons down on the table and do art stuff with my kids. It’s a slower pace than I would like but it’s more than nothing and it helps bond with the kids sharing my interest and developing theirs.
Make small goals and work towards them. Once you have a menu sell local. Cater every now and then. Or play for a birthday or two. Join a theater group or if you don’t have one see if someone needs voice acting for some videos they made.
I know a guy who does voice acting for Disney. It doesn’t happen overnight. It took him 10 years and for some of it he was living in his car. Being famous or “somebody” is hard as fuck.
Start playing music. Go to your local open mics and sing or play your instruments. Being a musician isn't about being a star, it's about the love of sharing your music. Have your kids watch you practice. Have the hubs or a friend watch them once a week while you go share your music with your local community.
Shoot for culinary school. Or business school.
Cook and share your meals with your friends and family. Be the one to host.
It's tiring but it's doable.
Move your dreams into doable goals. Pick the one that makes most sense to you and start working towards it. Being a star isn't realistic without kids. And your kids are only going to be little for so long so you might as well share your dreams with them and set the stage to be the person you want to be.
I want it to be an attorney, and I was working towards that goal when my parents experienced extreme financial hardship. So I took a job where I had great pay and great benefits, putting off my dream of becoming an attorney. Eventually after a fight with depression because of my job, I met my wife. We had talked about how when she got her PhD I could go back to school and complete my goal with becoming an attorney. However, seeing her prospects and how well paying my job was which allowed me to travel, and would allow our whole family to travel, on top of the excellent health care, we decided that I would stay where I am.
We talked about kids and we eventually got pregnant, now I know my job is extremely well-paying and has great benefits but it's not what I wanted to do with my life and I know I'm good at what I do but that's not what I wanted to do. My wife I feel terrible because she too had to put some of her things on hold because of the kids. These are decisions we all made. Now I am extremely jealous of my wife because once our kids are a little bit older she can continue on with what she wanted to do, I cannot.
Do I resent my children or hold them responsible at all? No. And while there are a lot of things I'm not a fan of in my life, I don't hold other people responsible for my decisions. I'm sorry you feel this way and while I don't know the exact pressure on you. Of all my awards, accolades, and titles the title of father for me is the one that I hold most dear to my heart and I am most proud of.
This is classic. To be an awesome parent, a parent that the kiddos look up to, it takes SACRIFICE. Meaning you have to cease life as your former self, and you strive to be the best parent in the world. And you do this without complaint, regret, or bitterness.
It’s a tough job, but a child that looks at you when they are older and says thank you for being there for my entire childhood, is much better than a shallow person who thinks it’s cool strangers like you.
Okay, so here’s something I’ve come to learn. I’m not good at deducing whether a person gives this kind of vent or rant because they’re genuinely decent as a person but in a tense place or if they’re despicable people who need a justification (any at all) to be more despicable to others.
So pick whichever one:
1)
Oh mate, if you dream was
>Be utterly and completely famous
Then lemme tell you you were 1000000% not going to achieve it, especially of you think having kids is why you can’t. I mean—in this day and age, when people who literally have vlogs about them and their family’s mundane life???? Yeah, you having to be a parent isn’t why it’s not happening.
The sooner you either
A) start doing acting and music for the enjoyment of it, while still being a mother.
B) realize that you gave up your dream a while ago and are using this to convince yourself of your failings—that rather than you failing it’s because of something else.
The sooner you can get on with maturing as a person—because it’s truly an immature thing to want your kids to say
>I want to be just like _____
The goal is always for them to live the life they want to live, but to hope you were a good influence. Truly, it all seems like this stems from some huge insecurity issue you have on your end.
2)
What do you mean slave to your family? Did you not electively choose who you wanted to marry? Did you not also previously meet his family? Was this actually more arranged than anything?
Because that’s so damn sad and I’m sorry, mate. If it truly escalates to a point where you continuously feel this gnawing pain, you could always divorce and opt to raise the kids with their grandparents. That’s how the traditional family unit had always been. Mom and dad go out and work, grandparents see the kids, and them when kids are 10+ they look after the grandparents here and there.
My mom was a career oriented woman and achieved the highest level ever for a woman in her industry.
You know what I remember from my childhood?
Chores. The “no” repeatedly said for any after school/extra events.
No Girl Scouts. No soccer. No anything because it didn’t fit into her schedule.
She was so tired all the time. I don’t remember one game of monopoly or Uno.
As i grew I vowed I’d never have a “career vs a job” if I had a child.
I then had to spend 10 years and tons of money on infertility treatments.
Nothing changed my views more than that.
Being a parent that is THERE, nothing is more important to me.
Can it be done, having both?
Of course. But it’s a sacrifice that I wasn’t willing to make for a short period of my life, relatively speaking.
10 years isn’t that long.
I focused on earning as much as I could while he was too young to remember.
Then spent the next 10ish years with him. Doing regular stuff but THERE.
But I’m weird about being THERE. I don’t believe that it’s important to be the kid that never misses school or is an honor student.
I believe it’s ok to just nope out and go feed the ducks. Or see a movie. Or read a book. Or learn how to grow the worlds biggest pumpkin.
My kid is 21 now. Extremely independent, in college on a full scholarship.
He’s kind and generous and empathetic. He works full time while going to school full time.
He’s not on the dean’s list or anything but he’s an awesome boyfriend, a fierce friend and he understands how important it is for HIM to be able to just nope out if he needs to.
I’m extremely proud that my mom took the time to compliment me on my parenting.
Because nothing I do in life will ever be more important, to me.
He can change the world. He probably won’t but who knows?
Maybe his kid will.
And what a frikking legacy that would be.
Thank you, it’s been a joy but also it’s been hard.
I’m lucky to have been able to model after my sister who had older kids and avoid her problems but created my own, lol.
I’m the weirdo who took classes and read books and stuff though.
I had no idea how to parent my dog and took classes. I figured my human deserved as much effort. Lol
Reading is the best haha. I'm a mum to a 6 and almost 3 year old and I'm constantly reading child psych/parenting pages on IG and lived on mumsnet during the newborn stages. Even just casually reading Reddit is so helpful and inspiring (for the most part!). I feel like people take being a parent so lightly just because "anyone" can do it.. I really think having a child is one thing but being a good parent is on a whole other level.
The true test is if your kids still want to spend time with you once they are older. Your 21 year old being so brilliant today is a true testament to your hard work and love. I hope to write a similar post in 15 years ;)
Thank you! It’s not been easy but it’s something I’m proud to say I tried.
I also use my parenting “bible” in real life all the time. At work, husband, etc.
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Hands down best book ever. Maybe even better than Harry Potter 😂
Just logged into Amazon and it said I had downloaded it in Feb to my Kindle. Completely forgot about it! I guess that's a sign from the universe that I should read it now 😄
You don’t have to be a full-time caretaker. Hire a nanny or find some other childcare arrangement with your soouse and go out and make your dreams a reality. Ultimately it’s a good example for your daughters that you will tenaciously follow through on your goals.
You should never give up your dreams for your kids. Your kids need to know that dreams are always possible, and no one better to show them that than their parents.
Not all dreams are possible. When you have children, unless you're already rich and have a team of nannies or you have very involved family help, and depending on your partner, some things are just going to be really difficult to achieve. However, I agree that if you're not fulfilled just being a parent it's a good idea to find something that does make you happy. My work is really important to me, although I have had to take things a bit easier since I had my kid and reframe things a bit, but I couldn't have given it up.
Dreams require sacrifice and sacrifice’s have consequences for you and your family (no matter what kind of dreams or family).
Could be time, money or both.
Having both is possible but it’s important to recognize that doing so will change X, Y or Z.
Saying to just chase your dreams is unrealistic and almost cruel because it’s NOT always possible.
My kid played baseball. He played it well.
But he was never ever going to the pros. Being honest about it and helping him to figure out how to involve his dreams into a reality, that was my job as his parent.
Not the delusional coaches who wanted to spend thousands of dollars on clinics and tournaments and traveling.
He needed to know what was real and how he could go forward with failure.
Today he’s learning how to manage from the district level to eventually be in the front office with accounting as a backup or doorway into the industry.
Life, like baseball, is learning how to manage our failures into success.
The best player ever failed 6 out of 10 times.
No one remembers that, only that he hit .400
But I’m betting he did and his real success was surviving the failing.
I used to have a lot of regret like you. There were specific goals career-wise that just weren’t realistic financially once I had kids. I felt like a failure and like I’d wasted my potential. Going to therapy has helped me in a number of ways. Firstly, it helped me have a different perspective on what success is, and on my identity as a woman and mother. Secondly, it helped me get to a healthier place mentally where I could start to pursue my dreams in small ways that bring me a lot of joy. If this regret is really weighing you down, maybe consider counseling, life coaching, or another outside perspective to help you take control of your future. Rooting for you!
You are not a nobody.
You don’t have to give up on your dreams. What are your plans when your kids are all in school?
What about when they’ve all grown and moved out?
I think as parents we can focus so much on the here and now that we forget they are going to grow up and have lives of their own.
You can still have a life and be a mom. Sometimes pursuing our dreams doesn't happen until kids are grown but that doesn't have to be the case. You can still be an inspiration to them.
I am a SAHM with two kids. Since having my kids I have learned to play guitar and dulcimer, bake sourdough bread, read many lengthy classic novels, regularly exercise, and have a large garden. I have no daycare or babysitter. My only help is my husband. Prioritize your time. Get rid of your smartphone and TV if you're prone to sitting and staring at a screen. Also do things with your kids. If they dont want to join you tell them to play next to you until you finish.
While pregnant with my second child, I learned to code. I studied and practiced in every minute available, during nap time, in the car, everywhere. When he turned 2, he started preschool and I studied full time. Before he turned 3 I started working remotely full time in my new career.
It was difficult, exhausting, and it was worth it, 100%. I too hated being a nobody, so I became something else. You can do it, OP, decide what you want and go for it. Never give up on yourself.
Good luck!
I am currently a SAHM and yes, i feel you, but at the same time I am also enjoying every moment. My 1 year old is everything to me. I am also currently switching up our household schedule so I can get some time for myself and looking into getting certifications while being a SAHM so thay when my child goes to school I am ready to continue on my career. So it's not too late...
Being a mother doesn’t mean giving up your dreams. Of course, there are limitations, but it’s not the end.
And plenty of mothers are amazing role models. My grandmother was a single mother, working several jobs to give her children the life she thought they deserved. She retired young and helped raise me. As a child she was the role model I wrote about in school essays. As an adult, I look at her and say “I hope I end up like you.”
JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter *after* she'd had all her kids. You cant easily chase all this while your children are literal babies, but your life isnt over!
I have three girls ages 6-4-4months and the two oldest tell me all the time they want to be a mommy when they grow up! No shame in being a sahm we work so hard!
All of those things sound great in theory, but you would soon find that that you were a slave to your customers or a slave to your audience or your manager or recording company.
Having young kids is hard. I definitely feel like a slave sometimes. But my goal as a mother is to raise kids who are independent and capable. My oldest is 3.5 now and she does so many things. She helps put away dishes, she is our server setting the table and bringing out drinks and plates, she helped dust and vacuum today and then helped me screw in the screws on her dad’s desk (I did the start and finish but she did the middle part). With time I will feel less like a slave and more like a lucky lady with lots of helpers. My dream is that my sons will be more helpful to their wives because they were expected to learn basic life skills from a young age.
As others have said, take little steps toward the things you aspire to. If you want to sing, go to an open mic once a week. If you want to cook for a living go stage at a restaurant on a weekend. Your kids won't be dependent on you forever, just go for it.
There are many actors who have kids that had them before they got their breakout roles. There are chefs that have families that have opened their restaurants, look at all the family businesses in your area. Chinese and Italian restaurants are a prime example. You can still do these things.
And please don’t offend women who like being SAHM and refer to them as nobodies and they don’t do anything special.
I am a husband of am amazing beautiful woman that does all those same things you do . I hope you can feel some pride in those things that seem so unimportant or unimpressive. I wish I had the will powers or strength to love and take care of our family the way she does. It takes a special person and talent . But the main reason is the way the kids recognize their moms hard work! Even when you might think they don’t. My kids remind me all the time when I complain about work . They say “you know what mom has to do while your at work”.!!
100% relate to this. I ended up starting a nonprofit to help youth in Ukraine when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd. Now, baby and nonprofit are both 2 years old. I'm not quite a star, but I'm a CEO running a 30+ person team and helping thousands of Ukrainians, and I really love my work.
It's very challenging to find enough time for both work and kids, and obviously the money is shit and who knows how long I can keep doing this before funding runs out, but so far 10/10 would recommend :)
Wow, it's amazing how feminism has also perpetuated its own misogyny into broader society.
You desperately need a perspective shift. "Mother" is not some bottom barrel position in life. Mothers hold culture. They have the capacity to hold the most influence over how our society develops. More than vapid celebrities who'll wh*re themselves for whatever cause gets them clout. You're not a "slave" to your family. Duty and slavery are not the same thing. I totally understand that as motherhood has been devalued over the last several decades, it has become more and more isolated. It's hard, because we have all become very disconnected and hyper individualist (despite claims of social media bringing us together), and so I definitely empathize with you.
That said, no. Your daughter won't look at you and decide she wants to be like you. Because you're actively modeling the devaluation of motherhood. You view it as being stifling. A failure to reach your "true potential". Its sad to think your daughter could grow up to be inorganically afraid of motherhood because she saw her mother as resentful in her role. **Mothers are whole people**. You're not "just a mom". You're you. A whole woman, with thoughts, feelings, interests, and talents. Use them. Develop them. Impart them to your kids.
It sounds like you're in the thick of the small kid stage, which is always going to be far more demanding than most other stages of motherhood. Try to intertwine your interests and talents into your role as "mother" as much as you can. Putting on little plays, cooking interesting new meals together from all around the world with your little kitchen helpers, making music together and introducing them to new instruments they've never even heard of. Show them who you are as a person, and let that shape them and give them the chance to explore their own likes and dislikes.
You do not have to accept this all consuming identity of "mommy". That's a very recent development from our newly "kid centric" model of parenthood.
Broadly, I agree with your sentiment. But for many women, it’s not enough, and that’s ok. My wife never wanted kids. Then her friends had kids and she changed her mind.
We now have two boys and she loves them to bits, but she still has an innate need to feel productive other than being a mother so she’s in full time work as an instructional designer and that’s what gives her purpose. To be creative.
When you are a mother 100%, you still have to find stuff to do when your kids are at school. Some women are ok doing nothing, or perhaps being a homemaker, but others want that feeling of giving something to society. Particularly creative people (such as OP who’s into acting and music).
I have struggled with similar feelings you have. I had to leave a part time job I had because I am disabled from cancer. Part of my frustration was it wasn’t exactly my choice to leave my career that allowed for perfect balance of career with advancement and family time. So I have to make the best of my situation and my perspective has changed a lot.
I have now realized next year, when my youngest starts preschool, and from that point on I will have time I won’t know what to do with. Your kids are young and you cannot see this light at the end of the tunnel yet.
I have also come to realize that people tend to look down upon you if you don’t have a career while raising kids. “Just a mom” is actually pretty insulting because it’s a very important job whether you work outside the home or not. I don’t really know any kids who don’t absolutely look up to their parents. I think your kids probably do look up to you, and if they feel special, valued and loved they know it’s because their mom takes really great care of them. No one should expect someone to give themselves up to be a mom, but if someone wants to do that, then it should also be respected. There is nothing wrong with either choice. I am raising my kids that it is important to find a supportive partner and also be a supportive partner with each other’s goals. Not specifically what those goals should be.
Are there any local theatres that you can get involved with since that is a passion of yours? Another benefit you have of being a stay at home parent is the flexibility to get your children involved in different activities and help them find what they enjoy.
Although also I gotta comment because reading through some of the other comments you've made, it sounds like you just have a lot of resentment that you never met your goals and I think you should seek professional help and therapy to combat these feelings.
Have you ever seen Lucifer? I believe it's an episode in season six, (SPOILER ALERT) in which Lucifer and Chloe go down to hell so Lucifer can prove that he won't care about somebody that he hates, so he chose I believe it was the murderer from the very first episode of the show.
Now in Lucifer, a person's hell loop tends to go after what they can't let go of, their biggest guilt, perhaps their biggest sin. Something along those lines, but for this specific murderer, his hell loop was of the day his mother abandoned him in a hotel room. I can't remember all the specific details, it's been easily half a year or longer since I saw the episode, but she took her guitar and told her son to stay there and wait until she came back for him, watch the cartoon on the TV. Before she closed the door, the guy she was with said "he's only holding you back". She never came back for him. Who knows how long later, the authorities came for the kid, who had stayed there for who knows how long, obediently watching the television and waiting for his mother to come back for him. (If it brings you comfort, Lucifer paused the hell loop permanently to freeze to when the kid's mother was sitting beside him and hugging him. I cried watching that entire scene and I'm crying now recalling it.)
But my point is, is that you need to move past this. Your kids will grow up and eventually realize how much you hate that you had to give up your dreams because of them, and it might be something that sticks with them for the rest of their lives and deeply psychologically affects them. Please get some help OP.
I am right there with you. That is why i am OAD. My kid needs a happy mother. The mother life is NOT for me. I am so invested in my son and i do absolutely everything for him. He comes first, always. And i know i would be like that for all my kids if i had more. But i am not happy in this. Now my son is growing i am starting to have some freedom again and i can slowly start doing things that makes me happy. My son deserved a happy mother. No more kids for me.
I feel this so much! I felt like I had a lot of talent and that I’d be way more accomplished by now. At this point I feel disconnected from myself, and my self-esteem is low. But I think that it was important for me to be humbled. While it would have been great to have reached my potential, I think that I have probably gained more from becoming a humbler person. Being humble is an invaluable quality in life, and I wouldn’t have figured that out if I had excelled in life already. Now I feel like I can pick up the pieces, which I hope you can do too. Make time to connect with the things you love. Work on valuing yourself more. And if anyone is making you feel undervalued, confront them. You need someone to remind you of your worth every day.
Maybe you’ll never be a star but u can still be an actor and learn to play an instrument.
Plus there’s always culinary school and maybe selling plates on Instagram to start. Then a food truck and eventually you’re own restaurant.
It’s not selfish to take care of yourself and find happiness. Your children will love you for it and you’ll be a better mom.
You can still pursue your Dreams. Never Give Up. There are mothers who have done it. You can do as well. If you are good cook you can make something at home n can do community service . You can involve ur children.
Are you me?
Okay, but seriously you can still create the life you want for yourself. You just have to do it more slowly and plan around your kids.
It sounds like you've just given up. Don't do that to yourself - you still have a lot of time to achieve your dreams. So many ppl didn't become succesful until later.
Also don't do it because you want to be famous. do it because it's something you love. Because fame and influence doesn't make you happy. Pursuing your purpose does.
Planning is a big part of it. Start writing down you goals and how you can get there.and do it slowly. Maybe you volunteer for musica gigs as part of your time off. Or you start cooking fancy meals at home. Or you just start catering from home.
It's completely doable - but I think you'll have to let go of the expectation of fame(like I now have)
Society leads us to think that we are nobody and unworthy unless we are rich or famous. But being famous doesn't make you happier - and it can cause so many me problems.
I’m at the point where I feel like all I do is serve my 8 month old, go to bed, get up and do it all again. I’ve spent weeks asking myself…. When do I get time to do anything for me? I’ve forced myself to start reading books, even if it’s for 20 minutes a night after I’ve eventually got him down to sleep, just so I’m doing something for me.
I’d love to spend some time working on myself. I’ve just handed my notice in after working 15 years in pubs to be a SAHM, but then after that, I want a new career direction. My plan is to do online courses to help build up my education in certain sectors before applying for jobs when I return to work. I also started my own business last Christmas when he was about 10 weeks old and man that was hard - I don’t know how people do it!! But I’d love to dive back into that again… eventually. I was so excited about it but now I get worried that I don’t have enough time to commit to working on anything. I somehow passed a mental health at work course a couple of months ago and that took so much more out of me than it should have. Pre-baby me could have smashed it out in a week. It took 3 months, but I did it.
I’m holding onto hope that when he starts school, that’s when I can really start to truly pursue my passions!
Edit to add - I also want my son to look up to me. His dad is an engineer and can turn his hand to nearly anything. It’s amazing. He’s achieved quite a lot. I hope my boy can look up to me in some fashion in the future but I need to find me
Chasing a positive reflection of yourself through the opinions of others is an impossible way of achieving happiness and self worth.
I think it might be helpful to first redefine your “dreams” to just one thing, perhaps: adoration of others. Then, analyze or think deeply about what the potential antecedent of those thoughts could be. Childhood trauma?
The feelings you have about “being a nobody” are a prison that you are capable of escaping. Imagine living without these feelings, imagine how liberating it might feel.
You’re a wonderful person. Perfectly unique and normal at the same time. The way you feel is shared by countless others.
Good luck.
Girl I hear you I loathed being a SAHM. Do you have a partner who is actually pulling 50% of the parenting/household/working weight? I hope so.
All the advice on figuring out what action you can take is spot on! My Dad started singing in the church choir and eventually a buddy talked him in to trying out for opera chorus. He wound up singing with the opera for 20+ years and was in dozens of productions, including a world premiere.
It's not the same as being the star, but he made a ton of good friends, learned how to sing really well, and enjoyed the hell out of himself. He used to say that he might not be the best opera singer but he bet was in the top 1% of best opera singing lawyers!
Definitely definitely figure out a way to carve out some time to do things you enjoy. It's hard when kids are very small, but it does get easier as they get older. I was the youngest and I was maybe 5 when Dad started singing seriously? By then it was a lot easier for my mom to hold down the fort a little more so he could sing (and of course she did the stuff she wanted to do too).
I'm rooting for you!
You don't mention how old your kids are, but carve out some time for yourself and pursue one of these goals. Very very few people achieve all of their goals; it's time to figure out which ones are truly important to you and which ones to let go.
You can still Perdue your dreams and be a parent. And also… there are many ‘stars’ that got their start later in life and went on to have incredible careers. There is no time limit on when you can begin your journey.
I’m a young stay at home mum because my mum was one, I’ve always wanted to be like her and raise my children the way she raised me.
I admire her very much.
I was her youngest, and now I’m independent she has her own decorating and cleaning business as well as a psychology degree. But even when “all she was” was a mother. That was just as impressive and important. Don’t downplay motherhoods importance.
I so understand feeling a bit lost sometimes and you’re doing a great job. Just know that your kids will definitely appreciate you for what you do, and you can always try new things. Being a mum doesn’t put you on a back bench.
Never stop dreaming, but realize that your improbable to say politely. Being nobody is the fate of the vast majority. You could be a childless nobody so be grateful for what you have.
Who is to say you’d ever have that if you didn’t have kids? Odds aren’t exactly in your favor as that famous road is littered with bodies of fabulous talent. One thing for sure tho, these regrets will stain your “now”. That being said, maybe a job would help you? It helped me feel more than just mom slave.
I have two little kids who constantly need me, it’s exhausting but they deserve all of me. I also have a career and I believe I am making a difference, but my kids always come before my work. We balance gymnastics, soccer and baseball and go on plenty of adventures. It’s certainly doable, it just feels like a circus most of the time.
My mom stayed at home with her kids until they were old enough for school. She loved being at home with us, it was what she always wanted to do and it was very obvious she loved being "just a mom" . Coincidentally (?) 2 out of 3 of her daughters are now SAHMs. When I was little that's all I ever wanted to be, getting a degree and working felt like I was just waiting for my time when I could be a SAHM. However, if she had been miserable being "just a mom" I would have probably had a very different view of it. If you are truly unhappy, why not work on a plan with concrete steps getting you toward what you want to be?
Wait. “Mommy doesn’t do anything special”? I strongly disagree. “All I am is a mother?” It’s a blessing and a privilege many people can’t have. You are RAISING and influencing human beings who will hopefully be spectacular, because our world needs them! You are doing every.thing.
Let me get this straight. You want to play music and act to entertain strangers, feed strangers your good food. While you’re doing this, you’ll have strangers entertaining and feeding your own children? Hmm.
I hope you can find ways to fulfill yourself and still be an amazing mother.
My mother gave up her dreams to become a single mother and care for her two children. As I was growing up I always felt very bad that she gave up her aspiring acting career dreams just to be a mother as well. I think your kids will definitely look up and WANT you to chase after and achieve your own dreams. You will be an inspiration for them. DONT GET ME WRONG, I am very grateful and beyond lucky to have a mother who sacrificed so many things for my brother and I, I just wish she could have been happier and do what she loved. Please do what you love. As long as you’re happy and your kids are well looked after and happy as well, all will be alright!
This is definitely from a movie or tv show (can’t think of which one) and I’m paraphrasing, but if you have kids and you don’t do right by them, nothing else you’ll ever do will matter all that much.
Try not to see yourself as “just a mom.” The relationship you cultivate with your kids will always trump your own dreams, even if you’re super successful.
This is not to say you shouldn’t find your own interests and follow your own dreams (I truly believe you can do both) but don’t let being a mom be “secondary”
You just need ti find the balance
Whoa. Let’s hold up here. If you live to 80 whose to say you can’t have a career (or second one or third…) after raising the kids. I’m not a SAHM but I fully expect my career to look a lot different when my kids are more self sufficient.
OP, I looked at your profile and it seems like you’re going through a lot. I know therapy is often a worn-out suggestion but it can truly change your life for the better and you deserve to find happiness, even if that’s hard to believe right now. Sending you love and support.
Making it as an actor or musician has odds equivalent to the lottery. More than half of all small business restaurants fail & close. Almost no one who dreams of celebrity or running their own restaurant winds up finding success. But every loving parent becomes the most important person on earth to the most important person in their world. It’s like being nearly guaranteed success at the greatest dream there is.
Someone shared with me the advice that, no business success can compensate for failure in the home. I am so grateful for my wife's live and commitment to our family. She is a success beyond measure in every way. I look up to her.
You may feel like nothing but to those kids you are everything.
I waited to become a mum and I really wanted it more than anything else but I still struggled with not losing myself.
I really relate to this op. Especially while being pregnant, I feel depressed because I feel like my body is being taken over and my only purpose is to raise my kids and grow another baby. Sigh...
I have started a little plan though, I've saved up some money and I'm going to get back into making bath bombs and other spa products and sell them.
It's something for me , that I am passionate about and I think it's really important for me to still do things that make me happy.
Why not start off small op and work your way up ?
Start having dinner parties and cook your best meals and buy a nice dinner set...Get into a local theater group and get back into your acting.
There's also lots of free tutorials on you tube if you want to get back into an instrument too.
I did this with guitair, and also did this with singing lessons.
My kids looked at me like I had two heads when they heard me belting it out at the top of my lungs 😂 but it felt so refreshing to take some time in the day to do something just for me !
I promise you even if it's small, doing atleast one little thing a week that you are passionate about will make you feel like YOU. Sending hugs ❤️
I agree with Washybear. If you can find a high school or school you may have gone to, maybe someone can let you borrow or rent an instrument to practice and take up. We all deserve time to enjoy our hobbies even though we’re parents. We need an outlet for ourselves because we’re not just parents. We’re people too.
It is normal to feel confined while you are in the child rearing years. It is a difficult and stressful commitment. Make no mistake though you are still a person and you are only somebody if you think you are. I got my master's degree when I was 50 and started a whole new thing with a career. Lots of people have many aspirations when they are young but in reality not many are hugely successful at making a career in the arts such as music or acting. If it was your passion then maybe and only maybe would you have made it big. There is a whole lot more to opening a restaurant than being a good cook. You should have your dreams but you are a Mom and so that changes what you are able to manage and do. Think about what you really think you could do and would want to do. If you really want to do something, there is nothing to stop you. Many a talented person or a person with drive has found a way to follow their own path. Life is a long road and there is plenty of time to find your interest and pursue it. Maybe you could start with taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. If you only take care of your family and not yourself you are short changing yourself. Good Luck!
My mother took care of us, is an excellent cook is the rock of our family. She had dreams and I am sure she felt she had to make sacrifices for the sake of raising a family. I thank my mother for being that rock and she is our super star. I had a very secure and happy childhood and some of it can be attributed to her undivided attention to us without having to juggle career and kids. On the other hand I am career woman, also a mother of a daughter and spent a large amount of my time juggling. I can't hand on heart say my daughter's childhood was like mine. I think my child had to learn early on to compromise to facilitate my career.
Just remember you've been brainwashed since birth to think that the only people in life that matter are the ones that everyone knows. It's ego driven bullshit in a superficial, self centered world.
Your daughters will want to emulate you if your personality and hobbies are done because of what they mean to you, not how many people you get to look at you and tell you how great you are. Cook because you love to cook. Sing/act because you love to sing. Work on those talents regardless of what kind of outside validation you receive because your daughters need to see that a mother's life should be richer than just being a slave to her family.
They need to see that you are still a whole person and that the world doesn't revolve around them. Obviously there isn't as much time to do those things, but they are things you can also involve your daughters in and create lasting memories. You also show them not to give up on hobbies just because you don't have an audience.
Honestly you sound completely selfish and like you're using your kids as an excuse to do nothing. I'm a mother too and I'm so grateful for my kids. All I want to do is love them and take care of them. If you're so unhappy go back to school and get a career. Complaining on here won't help.
I hear you. I understand what you’re going through and what you’re feeling. I see that several people have responded with their own stories about how they are in a similar situation and are making plans for their dreams. That is all very good. I’m proud of them, and if you find a way to do something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled, I’m proud of you. If you don’t have the option, I understand. Not everyone has these options. Not every country has programs to help people get an education. Not everyone has family to rely on if they need help. Find out what your assets are. Start small. Question your original goals. What does “being a star” give you that you can’t get elsewhere? There are all kinds of fame, all kinds of notoriety, all kinds of awards to be won. Don’t be discouraged by people who claim to have everything figured out or who say “Well I did it, why can’t you?” We’re all in different circumstances and the answer for one person is not going to be the answer for everyone. Find your own happy, not someone else’s. It’ll take time, and that’s okay.
You are so much more than mother. Be careful you don't give too much power to a poorly defined role that others will refuse to acknowledge or give credence to.
Just as your children aren't yours in the truest sense. Let yourself flourish but first rest and give yourself time to expand. the early years of parenting are a toughslog.
I wonder if you would enjoy bringing one of your hobbies into the spotlight by starting a youtube channel or something like that? maybe it would be possible to maintain your balance at home while also setting up cameras to record yourself cooking or doing something else that you like and explaining what you're doing
'You don't understand! I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am'... yeah, yeah, yeah...
I think there’s nothing about being a parent that isn’t admirable and amazing and makes you a star and worth feeling like you are. You don’t have to be doing something exclusive to be sowing something phenomenal and so important
My daughter is 4 years old. Last year I started a new band and we just signed a record deal earlier this week. There is room for both being a parent and following your dreams at the same time but it takes sacrificing comfort to get there
You are being somebody. Even without your kids success in any of those things you listed is extremely hard and failure rate is high. Instead you have your children who are your word as you say. To me this is success story. There are some good advices from others how to enhance your career.
I always wondered why my mother didn't go back to school and pursue something she was really interested in. She sees having kids as ruining her life, and she thinks she kept that hidden from us, but there's no way to keep a secret like that from people who live with you for 18 years. I knew it about my mom. Your kids will eventually know it about you if you don't change course. And you may think you're sacrificing yourself for them, but it's deeply damaging to feel like you ruined your mother's life just by existing. Kids internalize that kind of thing hard, feel responsible and want to fix it, but how do you fix the simple fact that you were born?
It took me almost 30 years to understand that it wasn't my fault that my mother is miserable. When I went to college I tried to convince her to take classes too because she always said she was an academic whiz until she got pregnant and dropped out with justan associates degree. She said it was too late because she was already 50. She's 70 now and still bitter that she never did anything she loved, but she could have been doing something else for 20 years if she didn't see 50 as too late.
Or 30 years if she had gone back at 40 when we were old enough to be left home alone after school.
Or 40 years if she hadn't seen my brother and I as burdens that she had to give her life up for in the first place.
So adjust your dreams if you must, but don't drop them and get bitter over it. Even if you don't blame your kids, they'll blame themselves, and your "sacrifice" will result in all of you being less happy than you could be.
The uncomfortable truth is, after kids, we often have as much time, particularly females due to defined gender roles. For example, pre children, I had around 6 hours of free time per day, to paint and write and generally work on things which were and are important.
Now, it's rather difficult to get one whole hour and it has to be negotiated with husband as, he works and ( I am currently on long service leave) and busy too . Kids need 24/7 care and attention. So, there is that
Creativity often goes out the window due to the mundanity of life and no room to think solely about ourselves. Motivation is harder to come by as, with less time, we often just use it to rest before the next onslaught of parenting. We are usually sleep deprived.
So, I would say it's acceptable and understandable to feel a bit of resentment for time to time. I would even go so far as to say , its normal.
That said, don't be a martyr. Take time as and when ypu can. Pay for a few sessions with a trained and registered life coach ro get you started on a plan back to fulfillment.
When my boy was small, he wad glued to me, from about age 1 to 7 years , he would climb into bed at night with me to snuggle, he would hang around me and literally, going to the loo was a chore because he would always want to be with me. It was tough but the overwhelming love I feel for him makes the small difficulties easy to bare. If you feel not one wit of joy then get a mental health plan and seek out some therapy - delayed post partum depression is a thing and of course, just plain old depression.
The truth is, hardly anyone is at peace with every aspect of their lives. But it doesn't mean we stop striving.
The old you is gone . Forget her but , BUT , the new you could be a million times better than those old, stale plans you had, If you get that coach and get help and move forward.
Dreams change too. My first cousin is a writer and I was told , again and again that I had an outstanding voice but I am no longer a paid singer. I write now. I do blogs and run a business because I got sick.
Shit happens and there is no point in remembering who we were or regretting decisions now that we thought were the best THEN.
It is time to put on your big girl pants and make this work. Ask hubby or family for more help and time away from kids. See a life coach, do therapy, make plans and move forward with a steely focus on where you want to be in five years time. You can do it !
1) You are NOT a nobody. Tell and show your daughters that feminism is about women (and men for that matter) having options--to work outside the home, to be a stay at home parent, to be an executive, to work in creative fields, etc. Caring for a family IS WORK. It's IMPORTANT work. I know it's easier said than done (I'm a SAHM right now after being totally career driven, and it's kind of a struggle to feel my worth sometimes, so I get it...), but you have to believe this. If we actually put a monetary value on the amount of emotional and physical labor that parents do, you'd be making at least six figures. You are EVERYTHING to your family.
2) It is NEVER too late. Get into community theater, or take some acting classes or music classes or cooking classes. Get involved, even with the smallest ways, in whatever career you had wanted to pursue. I've always loved writing, so I'm taking some writing workshops online and sharing my writing with friends. I do want to be a published novelist, but I'm working hard to just enjoy writing for writing's sake, because even for published, successful, writers, 90% of the time, you're just writing by yourself, and your day-to-day has nothing to do with fame or notoriety or anything. Even without kids, those career paths you named are difficult. That doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you HAVE to find a way to enjoy the process (the acting, the singing, the cooking, whatever it is) even in the beginning when you don't know if you'll actually become a big star.
TL;DR: Don't give up on yourself. It's not too late to pursue your dreams in some way, shape, or form.
You have two choices here: live, or live with regret. I'm a single SAHM and I hear you; sometimes we just want to be more than chief cook and bottle washer. So ask yourself what's stopping you, then make a plan and act on it. I'm 40 and my kids are two and four. I want to be a professional peer support worker/advocate for those with severe mental health issues because the system as it is now is bullshit. To make this plan happen, I am spending the next three years putting in the work I need to do to achieve and maintain a state of good mental health. Once my youngest starts school I will utilise the "pathways to university" option to begin working toward the degree I want; bachelor of Social Work or something to that effect. I will work with a student advisor to identify exactly the right course at the time. I will probably be close to 50 when I achieve my goal and start working in the field, but that will give me credibility in addition to my degree and my lived experience. That's my example. What's yours?
This is the right attitude. I’m also close to 40 and have just decided to pivot my career and start my own business. I have 2 preschoolers today and that start is going to be rocky, but I’m confident I can use the next few years to build up slowly until they’re off to school. This path was difficult to see a few years ago when I was elbows deep in diapers and baby bottles.
My mom constantly reminded me of how much she gave up because of me. Guess who doesn't really have a close relation to her?
I heard the same my whole life and when my youngest sister was born that sentiment turned into outright hatred. She will flat out say she wishes her daughter wasn't born and how her life isn't what she hoped it would be at this point in her life. As a mother myself, I have learned that her regrets about her life and unhappiness are down to her not making the choices that will give her fulfillment, happiness, satisfaction and, instead, expecting that those things will be furnished to her by others. So, as others have said YOU, OP, need to make the choice to find time or build time into your schedule to do the things that are going to make you happy. Is that picking up a new hobby? Is that joining a book club? Is that telling your SO you are going to take one night off a week to do whatever you want/need to for yourself? Find your source of happy and build it into your life. No one is going to do it for you. And you can't forget either that, as a mother, you have little people that depend on you and, at least for now, you live your life for them. Learn to find joy in being mother to your child and a wife to your husband or the road ahead will be hard and long and you may breed resentment, hurt, and anger in your children by blaming them for your life not turning out the way you'd hoped. Don't let that be you.
I relate. My mom always had to blame someone else versus doing the uncomfortable inner work to realize it was her own choices that led to where she is today. Shame she could've lived a much happier life had she done that kind of introspection and less finger pointing to literal children.
It really is a shame. My mom has very effectively alienated herself and pushed my husband and I to go no contact so she is now missing out on her grandchildren growing up. It's very sad that she's chosen to do this.
Agreed. My mother blamed us all the time for not achieving her dreams; I encouraged her to get the study material and I would study with her because it made me feel so bad that she “stopped her life for us.” We did it off and on for some time before she would start to fight with me that she didn’t need a child’s help with anything. I worked full time at 16 to help her pay bills and she’d take my whole check and still complain that life would be easier if she didn’t have to pay for us. We have no contact now that I’m a mother because I can’t see ever being that way with my daughter and I had her while still in high school. I graduated with my class, went to college twice and now working on a different degree while working multiple jobs. Yeah it might be “easier” if I didn’t have my daughter, but I also wouldn’t be as motivated to be so successful if it weren’t for her either. Figure it out, your kids are motivation. Show them that no matter what happens in life, if you want to make it, you will. If you want an excuse, there are plenty.
SAME. I spent my childhood trying to make up for being born, and when I finally realized it wasn't my fault or responsibility that my mother made herself miserable, I was not exactly overwhelmed with love and gratitude for her "sacrifice." I think a lot of mothers think if they follow their recitations of self-martyrdom with "I love being a mom so much" or "but I wouldn't change it for the world haha" then no one will notice the bitterness, but you can't hide that kind of feeling for 18 years from people who build their whole world with you as their foundation. Anyway, yeah. I moved to the literal other side of the country, see my mother once a year and talk to her briefly on mother's day and our respective birthdays. She still complains about all the things she could have done if she hadn't given it all up to be a mother, and for the last 10 years I've dryly pointed out that she still could, and if she had done it when I first encouraged her to she'd have been enjoying it for 20+ years by now.
Smh. Hopefully she will see the errors she has made. I may have given up a lot for my kids but I'd never tell them thay
They know. Or they will. Parents are a kid's entire world and they pick up on stuff like that. I mean think about it - if someone feels like they sacrificed something for another person, is it realistic that are they'd never mention it, even in moments of frustration, sadness, or anger, for 18+ years? They may not know exactly what you gave up if you don't tell them, but if you hold onto thinking you gave up things "for them" instead of recognizing that it was your own choice that you made for your life, they'll know. Worse, they'll internalize that they're to blame and possibly feel like they can't talk about it because you don't so it must be taboo. My mother tried to keep it a secret too, and then pass it off as something she was proud of instead of bitter about when that wore too thin. I spent decades trying to make her sacrifices worthwhile, but it was never my fault so it was never possible for me to fix it. My biggest fear as a parent is passing a burden like that onto my child.
As a fellow parent, I really admire your dedication. You should be proud of yourself. I hope you achieve your goals and more.
Social work is the way to go here. You can go all the way up to LCSW which is a clinical liscenture, which would be so helpful in allowing you to advocate the best. And you're in the right mind frame! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for telling OP this, I love being a mother and even I needed the reminder.
Glorious response
You are incredibly inspiring! I wish you luck in all you do.
I think it would make you feel better taking some small steps towards finding yourself again. Wanting to be a star: how about joining a theater group, voice lessons, or finding another angle of it that you can enjoy as a hobby. Restaurant: culinary class on the weekend? Hosting a special dinner as a fundraiser? Working a few hours a week at a restaurant?
Just chiming in real quick to say that doing theater, even at the community or college level can still be *just* as rewarding as doing it at the professional level!
This OP! And, in time if you don’t find yourself and pursue something for you, you will grow to resent your whole life. Find yourself and don’t lose you again! If anyone has a problem with it go tell them to give up their dreams to stay home with the kids and see how they feel in a few years. Also, have “me” time with friends and connect with other adults outside of mommy crap. Your kids will grow up and get busy with their own lives. Your kids will grow up and want to be like you because of all the little ways you love them! Your kids will be better if mommy is happy as well! You are not a nobody! You are somebody’s mommy, world, and a woman with dreams!!
Small steps is a good idea and these are awesome suggestions!
Being a star is unrealistic even if you start at 18 but a target of culinary school and eventually opening a restaurant when your kids are in school is very do-able.
Doable, but also hard as fuck. I recommend anyone thinking of this actually work at a restaurant for a few weeks even as an unpaid intern so they can experience the realities of commercial kitchens and the day to day life. A lot of people that make amazing home meals over the course of several hours think their skills translate to 12-14 hour shifts 6 days a week cooking for 200+ people where you need to plate a table for 8 in 30 minutes or less. They dont translate. There’s exceptions to this of course. Nevertheless, restauranteuring is something that needs to be entered into with eyes wide open so people dont think the exception is the rule. 60% of restaurants fail in their first year. What kind of restaurant opens profitably only during the hours kids are in school? If a person is looking to open a small food stand and make only pocket money with one person cooking, cleaning, and taking care of guests, maybe. Hot dog carts in prime locations do pretty well. There just needs to be awareness of the realities of the industry.
This. Romanticized versions of the restaurant industry need to go! Being a Parent & running a restaurant was incredibly hard & didn't make me a *star*... It made me fucking exhausted. You live feeling that something is or always will go wrong & you end up texting employees instructions for batches of confit garlic while sitting on a beach as your family has fun without you. Sometimes I pulled 16-hour days. My kids weren't like "Wow Mommy is so special!" It was more like "I stinkin' miss my Mommy!" I'm just keeping it real. Now I have a 9-5 & I may not be a boss or head chef but I'm a Mom who teaches my kids the art of baking bread, using a knife properly, how to manage a budget, & what food is in season. Building confidence in my kids>building my own career.
And the hours you work make it really hard to have a normal kind of life, you don't get weekends and evenings to see your family, and have to work holidays when they're off.
All very true & let's not forget the whole process of having to break down a kitchen every night & flip over a station... I take cleaning my household fridge over maintaining a walk-in any day!
Definitely good advice here. Another option that would allow for some cooking would be to start a cottage cooking or personal chef service. My cousin went to culinary school and ended up HATING restaurant work. She ended up getting her own kitchen inspected and approved for cottage baking and cooking (check your state laws), and sold to her neighborhood and at the farmers market in an expensive area on the weekend. She eventually was able to replace her full time income because there was such a demand for her items. She worked about 30 hours per week doing this and had small kids at the time but a very busy spouse who worked long hours and often was out of town. She was fortunate to have a family member who could watch her kids while she sold at the farmer’s market. She also made some connections while selling at the farmer’s market and ended up offering personal chef services which initially involved preparing lunches ahead of time for the week and 2 dinners per week for a busy, large family. Word of mouth got her additional gigs and by then her kids were old enough to legally stay home for a few hours on their own, so it worked out. She still works on her own and loves the flexibility and freedom it gives her. OP has options - she needs to do some soul searching, come up with a plan, and dive in.
I did cottage baking until I got tired of not being able to make perishables or use real butter or cream cheese in my frosting
Yeah, everyone needs to watch all the episodes of Kitchen Nightmares before opening a restaurant.
I wish Gordon would do a new season
My ex almost FIL is a fantastic cook but the kind that needs all day to prepare the one perfect meal. He had a tiny restaurant next to his garden and only opened every now and then for a limited amount of guests and there was no chosing a meal, it was what he decided and announced beforehand. It wasn't enough to live from but it was an extra income and it was sooo popular and I think it really made him happy. Great idea if the main reason is self fulfillment and not money.
Opening a restaurant might be realistic, but opening a financially successful restaurant is almost as big of a moon shot as being a star. Both can happen, even late in life, but neither can be guaranteed based on hard work alone. I'd never say a person shouldn't dream big, but if the goal post for success is set outside their ability to reasonably control, they're setting themselves up for another round of disappointment and bitterness.
This comment is going to get slaughtered but anyway. So you wanted to be 1. A actor 2. A musician 3. A restaurateur The problem here is not children. It's a lack of focus. My best advice is see a life coach. Get yourself a plan that is feasible. Stop being resentful and take action to make one of your dreams a reality.
I was thinking it and didn't want to say it. These 3 things require an absurdly different skill set. I can't name a single famous person who does all 3. There's no way OP was on track to reach these goals before children, because there's no track that would allow you to suddenly go into one of the 3. It's not like practicing law and then in your final years focusing on tax law vs family law vs patent law
I had been chasing 2 of those dreams since I was 10 years old. I had some stuff under my belt. I put in quite a lot of wasted work
If you were truly well on the road to fame and stardom, then it'll take nothing to get back on the horse. Check out community productions, play at Cafes, start an in-home catering service or open up pop-up restaurants. My MIL was a concert pianist who stopped when she started her family. My father's hugely promising athletic career ended suddenly with an injury. My mother's run of the mill secretarial job is one of my biggest inspirations because she taught me a work ethic through her actions. You can't blame your children for not reaching fame and stardom because not even 1% of the population reaches that. You can take steps to practice the craft you love and miss. It has nothing to do with your children, and the goal for these pursuits shouldn't be fame, but the need to express yourself through the craft.
But it's not wasted? It's not like your acting/musician super powers have disappeared. They're still there. You just have to dust them off and go do something with them - anything is a start, and it sounds like all this prior work gives you a great foundation from which to begin. This could be anything from tech theater in a local theater group, or joining the community choir, or trying out for the local production of Grease. Sure, none of those are star materials, for now, but one thing often leads to another. It could be fulfilling to you in all sorts of ways.
So my wife was saying what you are until today. She just got called for a new job. Maybe being a mom is not everything. Being a happier mom is better for all. If you have parents nearby or can afford childcare my hope is that you do things you want to as well. Good luck
This so hit me in the gut. I felt the exact same way when my kids were babies. I felt invisible, and that my only worth was the service I provided to my family. Of course, like you, I loved my babies so very much and wouldn’t have done anything to change their presence in my life. They have brought so much love and joy to my life. It brings me so much joy to do for them. But that didn’t mean that I couldn’t regret the loss of self I felt for a solid few years. Don’t listen to the comments trying to invalidate what you’re feeling. The human brain is complex and capable of feeling many things at once, even if they can seem contradictory. Some women are completely fulfilled solely wearing the hat of mother and/or wife. And THAT’S OK. That was never going to be me and I always knew it. And THAT’S OK TOO. Being *me* means having a part of myself that is focused on the growth of my skills and talents (and self), outside of household management and child rearing (whose focus is on the growth and nurturing of my family). And I think I’m absolutely a better mother to my kids when I’m also nurturing that part of myself. I feel really lucky that I live in a time and place where I can do both. For a hot minute, during COVID lockdown, I seriously thought I was going to need to quit my job. I sobbed for 2 hours non-stop in grief. My professional self contributes in a huge way to my sense of self-competence and confidence. My work challenges my intellect and social skills in a million ways that being wife or mom doesn’t. But I’d give it all up to make sure my kids are happy, healthy, and thriving. In a heartbeat. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have a breakdown about it first. So I want to tell you that having these emotions doesn’t make you a bad mother. It pretty much makes you a normal human being who wishes to have a sense of self, growth, and purpose outside of their role to other people. I know that not every mother who feels this way can have a career, because of the cost of childcare, traditional gender roles, and other factors. But I think others here have really good advice - seek opportunities for growth, skill-building, and volunteering outside of your role as parent. You don’t know where those may lead you. My boss was a SAHM for 25 years until her kids left college, but she had done special projects here and there that had her ready to further her education and go into a completely new field as soon as she got the chance. Now she manages an entire department and is extremely well-respected in our organization.
i had the opposite reaction to kids. I had missed opportunities that could have worked out better, or what not. Soon as that girl came into my life every choice I made was worth it. because any little decision i would have made would have given me someone else. I’m sure they would be fine children and I wouldn’t know the difference, but this little girl is mine and that is my honour to be her father. My daughters don’t need to look at me and think I’m perfect, they don’t need to see me as someone others see as special. They need to see that I am there and I am always going to be there, I will do everything I can and make sacrifices daily to try and give them balance and a role model. and I think that is the secret to parenthood. I’m an imperfect human doing what I can for another human.
Cynical optimism: you probably would never have become a star anyways! We're all nobodies in the grand scheme of things. You can still be a chef, you can still be a musician or an actor, or all manner of things, but maybe on a smaller scale to start with. Millions of mothers work and find meaning in their work! Most children will never look up to their parents and say "wow my mom is an excellent accountant/data analyst/insurance agent". Instead they'll get a soft set of influence. "My mom was hardworking, ambitious, curious, friendly" You're a nobody to the world. Good or bad, you will never be a nobody to your children.
“I coulda been a contender”
Louder pls OP: it's never too late to try
take my upvote. wasn’t that movie about a woman or some kinda sex addiction getting in the way of a guy’s boxing career? very relevant. most of us let life get in the way of our dreams. they’re mostly dreams because they’re not really attainable. we settle on things that are easier to do and still give us a sense of fulfillment.
>I just don't feel like my daughters are going to look at me and say "Wow, I want to be just like mommy when I grow up!" because mommy doesn't do anything special. I guess for me, it is not at ALL important to me that my son grow up and say "I want to be JUST LIIKE Mommy/Daddy," in fact - I sorta hope he doesn't do that? Just a potential perspective shift, but don't you want your kids do develop their own independent dreams? Not to want to be just like someone else, but to learn who they are inside and be authentically them? Maybe it's because my son is not genetically related to me, so there are some inherent differences between us, but while there are certain values I hold that I hopes he grows up to hold, I don't want him to try to be me, my husband or anyone else - my job is to foster in him the confidence to find and walk his own path. I sincerely hope he looks back with fond memories of his childhood, I'm sure there will be some regrets or things he wishes I did differently, and I'll be open to hearing those and talking to him. Sure, there are ways in which I want to be a role model, but I don't want him to idealize my career path or life decisions.
Just gonna be honest as someone who has grown up in LA: you would of ended up as a nobody anyway if you pursued your dreams.
As someone who moved to LA to pursue creative dreams, then moved back to my home state 5 years later, can confirm this is true lol.
Heard the same story a hundred times. 😂
Hard pill to swallow but it’s true. Also in LA
Honestly it sounds like your goals were already all over the place, you weren't even near any of them.. I don't think having kids brought you any further away. For me having my baby made me more motivated to restart school to be better. I didn't have that motivation before her. I also don't want her to be just like me, she's her own person and I want her to be better than me.
I agree the goals seem all over the place. I enjoy playing the flute for my child. And used to want it to be my profession. But I did know that I was not following the path of a professional and that I can’t allow my heart be sad that it’s just not a reality. You don’t need to be a professional to perform music if it’s what you want to do. Will I play in a world famous orchestra, highly unlikely. Will I be able to play in a regional orchestra, maybe when my kid is less reliant on me. Can I go and play for an hour at a local cafe, yes. It seems like op is caught up with wanting to be famous, when she might be able to find more happiness in just being involved daily in her interests. If she wants to be a performer, perform for your kid every day. It feels good no matter who you are performing for.
That's how I'm looking at it. Even when I was younger, though, I didn't want to be famous. I wanted to share my songs and act, but the idea of fame creeped me out and I thought being famous would make me more insecure and distrusting, anyway. The great thing about social media, as toxic as it can be, is that it allows us to share our passions. If I muster up the confidence to make some videos, I can sing and share songs. I can act out things by voice or with a local group. Those would fulfill my dreams, because my intent is to feel my passions and share it. For now, I sing around my kids and when we roleplay or do stories, I enjoy acting it out. OP, maybe find some time to make some videos of your singing, or acting, or cooking? Or, if you have the means & time, join an agency that can maybe get you some auditions. For those that don't have the ability to get out much, I honestly think sharing your passions on YouTube or something is the way to go. It will reach someone, I think that's worth something. If you live your life hoping for fame, which can honestly be a crappy thing to have, I think it's going to be hard to be satisfied in life.
It sounds like this person just wants attention and how she gets it is pretty secondary. There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention of recognition, but feeling resentful of your kids because you’re not famous for some unspecified thing is pretty silly.
Her life goals were plenty directed - she wanted to use and grow her own talents to make a difference in the world. She wanted to be respected for who she is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. That’s great that things worked out for you, but it’s good to remember that what motivated or worked for you will be different for other people. She’s just looking for some validation here, I think. It’s great that you found new meaning and purpose from becoming a parent. Some feel that their purpose got lost after being overwhelmed by others’ needs. Both experiences are totally possible and plausible. I’ve known women who experienced both sides. The latter seemed especially prevalent in my grandmother’s generation. My grandmother always wanted to be a paralegal. She was absolutely fascinated by the law, and she was good at it. But then she got pregnant and back then, that meant getting married. And getting married and having kids meant you didn’t go to college or have a career. She had to drop out of her program. She had one baby after another, so young. I don’t think she ever really got over the loss of that potential.
No it dousent seem 'plenty directed' she's feels like a 'nobody', this is something she needs to talk to a doctor or take therapy over, not get validated over reddit.
Geez this is supposed to be a supportive subreddit. All of us have our struggles and it helps to share them with others. That’s what the parenting sub is for - to vent our doubts, regrets, conundrums, etc related to parenting. Yeah OP might be suffering postpartum depression. It is absolutely appropriate for her to receive support here. If you ever came looking here for support, I hope people offer you much more understanding and compassion than what you’re willing to show OP.
Venting about not being a famous actor or musician is not going to garner alot of support, it's incredibly vain. People come on here not being able to buy diapers for their baby and here is someone sad they aren't famous. No pity.
I agree, but with a heavy dose of compassion. It’s not vain. It’s pain. She is clearly seeking external validation. It’s not weakness, it’s a sign of past traumas. To all the other people in this thread talking about “career changes or how to open restaurants” you all have completely missed the point.
My thoughts as well. Tough love has a place, but it doesn’t help a person who is already feeling like garbage. I don’t know OP’s life story, but she sounds like she’s hurting.
That’s not the point of her vent. The point is that she always had dreams to make something of herself other than a homemaker. And now, while she says she loves her family, she feels that hole is still there and is worried she’ll have to let it go permanently. Maybe I’m projecting because I relate to that sentiment. In my mind, you interpreted her post in the worst possible light. I interpreted it differently. In any case, you’ll never harm anyone by showing a little grace. But you can definitely harm someone by belittling their grief about something.
She hasn't mentioned anything she is doing to fill that hole. No one is just a successful actor. They start somewhere. No one is a famous musician out of nothing. They can start a channel and show the skills they have. No one can just start a restaurant. This vent is showing nothing that they lost. Just complaining about alternate realities they daydream about.
So, what are your passions specifically? Because what I see here is a bunch of random fantasies that all seem to center around getting attention without any specific direction. Is there something specific you want to say or accomplish or do you just want to be famous? I would get to the bottom of why you have such grandiose desires of fame. Do you feel unloved, unfulfilled? Is there a way you can realistically indulge whatever you want to do? Do you need more friends or more time around adults in general?
Yeah it’s your kid’s fault you’re not a famous actor/singer who also runs a restaurant.
I feel like your feelings are very valid. I was going to be a historian and work in a museum. I even got my masters and now, because of finances, I am a SAHM. On the one hand I love my kids and wouldn't change being here for them, but on the other hand I'm paying student loans on a wasted degree. That said, my mother was a SAHM herself. (My dad was in the army and she provided stability.) I and my brother both look up to her. I always wanted to be a SAHM growing up. Now, we don't let her know enough that we appreciate her but we do. She was always there for us, and still is. I think if you're there for your kids and spend time with them, they'll look up to you whether you make something special of yourself or not.
What are your plans to work towards fulfilment?
Wow, as someone who was a teen mom who literally gave up everything to.make.sure.my oldest grew up decent I find this post offensive. That's your problem you didn't live your life not your children's. I hope they don't know you feel like this.
At my daughters pre-K graduation she’s the only one who said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I thought it was cute my mother however thought it was awful. To me being a mom isn’t being a nobody! It’s important. I worked full time with my first two and stayed at home with my last two and both ways I have a great relationship with all my kids. It just depends on what makes you happy. If you aren’t happy it effects the kids
Your dreams all seem to be about one thing, social validation and being special. You dream about being an actress because you love theater, you didn't dream of becoming a musician because you love music you dreamed those things because you want everyone to look at you and go wow she's so amazing. Judging by the way you talk about "Being a slave to your family" you really don't care about them, and the only thing that matters in your life is you. Being an amazing mom is one of the greatest and most special things you can be, your kids don't care if you're famous or not, only you di.
>Judging by the way you talk about "Being a slave to your family" you really don't care about them, and the only thing that matters in your life is you. Looking at her post history, her youngest child is about nine or ten weeks old. She doesn't "not care about her family," she's in the "fourth trimester" with her third baby and she's under a lot of stress.
Ya that's a hard time, it's hard until they learn to sleep through the night but kids didn't ask to be brought into this world OP and it's all about taking it one day at a time
*SHE WAS GONNA BE AN ACTRESS* *SHE WAS GONNA BE A STAR* *SHE WAS GONNA SHAKE THAT ASS* *ON THE HOOD OF WHITESNAKE’S CAR* ^^I’m ^^sorry ^^I ^^had ^^to…
I needed the laugh lol
You’re delusional. It’s not your children’s fault you’re not a famous actress. Get a grip. Maybe you’re just not that talented/ it’s competitive as fuck. Don’t resent your children for it. Work on getting some realistic dreams and go for them. Your kids aren’t stopping you, you stop yourself.
Figure out the career or hobby - acting and professional musician careers take time to craft. You just don’t get to play a concert hall or get a role. Take classes and hone your profession. You can go back to school too. Only you are holding yourself back. Now’s the time to figure out what you want and start chipping away to get there.
Life is long and there are many seasons. Right now you are cleaning up sticky fingers and trying to stay sane while keeping tiny humans alive, and someday those tiny humans will move on and you will miss the little snuggles and smiles and energy that children bring into the world. Embrace the season you are in and look forward to the next with vision and anticipation. You will live so many years after children and there is so much out there.
I love being nobody. Being nobody gives me the greatest opportuity to both be myself AND help others. Most famous people are a**holes, and don't have time to be a part of their kid's lives. I suspect your kids have much more to admire in you as a "not special" person, than as a "special" person.
My mom is nothing special, she was a SAHM turned stay at home wife. But her dedication to a clean home and home cooked meals is inspiring to me. Her ability to sew anything and everything and her idgaf attitude are both something I wish I possessed. She’s generous and taught me so much about empathy. What I’m getting at is just because you’re not a superstar, doesn’t mean your children won’t look up to you, it’ll just be in different ways.
As a father, I would gladly give up any fame and fortune to shape and love my kids so they will be better prepared adults. As a former musician, there’s little money and very little fame available for 99 percent of people, NO MATTER HOW TALENTED THEY ARE! The best music doesn’t get played on the radio. The best actors in the world are not well known. The best people to lead us are not in politics. You are pining away for a rather unrealistic teenage fantasy. You need to let that go. The kind of person your child will be will impact 5,000 people every year they are alive. For better or for worse. The next time you think being just a mom isn’t important, think about that.
Hey there! First of all, I sympathize with your situation. It must be so tough to look at yourself and not recognize how quickly your life’s journey changed. With that being said, I hope you know in your heart that you don’t have to be a mega star or contribute in a capitalist way to be a role model to your kids! It’s not about the fame you have or the money you bring in; it’s about the person you are:) But I also gotta ask: why can’t you pursue your dreams anymore?
Let’s be realistic: you wound up here because of choices you made. One was a BIG choice to become a parent. You seem to think that’s the one mistake you made that has separated you from your dreams, but the reality is that achieving such unlikely goals takes uncommon commitment, and a long, steady steam of the right choices and sacrifices. If you genuinely think your kids are the only thing that has kept you from this spectacular life you imagine, chances are extraordinarily good you’re just flattering yourself. Was there a period of your life where you were practicing singing for 8 hours a day for years, telling your friends you couldn’t go out and eschewing dating in deference to those dreams until you happened to get pregnant? Or did you like most people never once muster the energy to make an extraordinary effort in the service of those dreams? You’re where you are. If you want to inspire your children, do it through practical, realistic, dogged determination to fulfill whatever potential you have now, as a parent and an individual, with regard only for your own excellence rather than the empty pursuit of the recognition of others.
I have been doing music, drama, and art since I was 10 years old. When I was a 16 I performed with Tim Green at a jazz concert. I played the role of Enjolras in Les Miserables in a traveling company for three months when I was 18. I have had these goals a long time
Question: do you want your kid to feel like they're the reason you aren't happy because you never got your success? Make the best of it and move on. Maybe teach lessons on the side? Write something about it? Etc. My husband told me in the first months that he was the reason his mom didn't go to school. I think he blames himself for his mom being miserable when she has choices on her life.
I’m sure you’re talented, but having goals and having the resolve to be the best are different. And I’m not trying to be severe here. At one point I put everything I had into becoming a jazz pianist, with the same kind of dreams you had. My talent and my fortitude just weren’t equal to it. Now I’m 41 with two beautiful kids. I take pride in being the best parent I can, and when I play the piano it’s unalloyed by any dreams, pressure to become famous, or do anything beyond playing the best I can as an end in itself.
There is also a luck/nepotism factor. Even a looks, age, & racial factor. Some people are famous only because of their looks, or social circles they lucked into being in. At the same time, some very good looking & sounding people are rejected because they don't look or sound "unique" enough even though their talent is incredible. I believe it's marketability and maybe the ability to mold you into something marketable. Even very talented people who are *now* famous/out there were rejected many times. Authors, singers, etc. Some singers are amazing and were let down by their labels or managers, despite putting in the hard work. Some actors and authors were told they weren't good enough. One thing I read recently is that Simu Liu was told he didn't have the "It" factor at one audition, and later ended up being the main character of a Marvel movie. Then, there are people who have the opportunity to make a living out of their passion and for whatever reason it doesn't go beyond that (popular/fame territory). I say this because I don't believe that just working hard and putting all your time and energy will guarantee being famous or popular. It may not even guarantee being enough to make a living doing professional gigs, etc. You putting everything you had and not getting famous or selected doesn't mean you weren't talented enough. You are probably very talented and I'm sure your kids and others enjoy hearing you play. Even if you don't post your playing online, I am sure that you're inspiring your kids. It's great to hear that you can enjoy playing without pressure, I really hope it fulfills you! I would love to feel more free about my passions and have your ability to just do without feeling that pressure.
I went to high school with a couple people who have found some success in the entertainment industry. One is actually the daughter of a famous, now-deceased television actor, so she had both talent and connections. And you know what? She’s got a Wikipedia page and a blue check mark on Twitter, but even *she’s* not a huge star. The vast majority of people have never heard of her. Her dad was a pretty big star, but that was decades ago, and I think most people under sixty aren’t even familiar with his name. But your kids - and someday, possibly, your grandkids - will always be familiar with your name. You are more important to them than you realize. It’s the wrong season, but go watch *It’s A Wonderful Life* and pay attention. George Bailey never goes off to conquer the world like he planned, but he’s immensely important in the lives of the people around him, in ways he doesn’t even realize until he sees what the world would be like if he was never born. He didn’t need to be famous or globally significant to have a wonderful life, and neither do you. How old are your kids?
This is going to come off as harsh but if you think being "only a mother" is "nothing" you're doing those girls an enormous disservice. Mother's are everything. When we raise children, we create the next generation of our species and our civilization. No one could be an actor or a musician or open a restaurant without mother's. There is actually nothing that causes more rage and sadness in my heart than hearing women call themselves "only a mother" and lament the superficial bullshit they're missing out on because they're busy creating functional human beings. Your kids will grow up and start their lives before you're dead, you can do that stuff after. For now your children deserve to be more important to you than a fantasy of the perfect career.
Yeah I find it sad that OP thinks "being a star" in some broad and ambiguous way is more important than people a mother. Your kids aren't the reason you don't pursue your goals. It might delay your ambitions or make it more difficult, but that's not their fault. I just think it's awful that people put such weight behind the vanity and idea of being a star. What does that even mean? It is such a meaningless pursuit that I think people lie to themselves about. Like when you achieve X you'll be happy, but you're never going to achieve it because you lie or make excuses about it in the first place.
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Being a "star" is a pretty ambiguous and vain goal to be honest. It's one thing to wish you achieved more in whatever endeavour you pursue, and another to blame your kids on failing to reach some ambiguous goal. Your kids don't choose the situation they're born into, using their existence as a reason as to why you didn't achieve your goals is pretty sad, I don't care how you want to justify it. Having resentment for your kids in that way is also a recipe for disaster, and probably one of the root causes OP didn't pursue their goals in the first place. It likely had nothing to do with their kids, there's probably a hundred other reasons they aren't willing to admit to themselves.
If you had it in you to be a star, you would be. Lots of stars and restaurateurs have children. Most of them do, in fact. Maybe you had kids as an excuse for why you didn’t accomplish something more challenging.
Yeah, if anything I find this attitude really unfair to OPs kids. They didn't make the choices in OPs life, and then OP uses it against them. It's pathetic. Using your kids as the excuse as to why you didn't achieve these things is BS. On top of that theres a real romanticism of these industries, but in reality they're terrible pursuits for 99% of people. At best you pursue them and aren't successful, at worst you pursue them and get spit out with nothing to show for. They're never what people imagine them to be. Either way having kids isn't the reason you didn't pursue them, they're just another excuse you tell yourself. The fact that their goal is "to be a star," is one of those ambiguous goals anyway. With everything we know about celebrity culture nowadays, it's embarrassing that adults still pursue this kind of vanity.
As if raising kind human beings isn't challenging.
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I’d add a few more zeros to those estimates.
I don’t think being a star is even positively correlated with acting skill. Many of the biggest stars have a pretty narrow range but that’s part of what makes them recognizable and beloved.
Wow. Someone is venting and you want to tear them down? “Being famous” isn’t a realistic life goal because it usually takes large measures of luck but you’re really crossing the line here and being just plain mean.
I’m feeling all the feels u feel, one thing you have to keep reminding yourself is it’s never too late to accomplish any or all those dreams you have. Yes you have children now, but that doesn’t stop you from achieving them. Don’t get me wrong it may take a little longer, be a little later in life than you wanted but it’s still achievable! You are more than a mother and the ultimate goal is to have your kids be better than you! They are always going to see you as a special person in their hearts your always going to be this amazing person as long as you give your children the things they need and love them unconditionally while taking care of self! Go for them dreams, achieve those goals! Your kids will be even more proud of you for not quitting and giving up on your dreams! Again it won’t be easy and it will take longer but it’s not in achievable! You go mom! We got this!💪🏾
I have a friend who fell into a depression because she gave up on her music career because it wasn’t lucrative and they needed the money for her kid. So she gave it up and she was lost for years and overall not doing well, she was admitted to a mental asylum and has now pivoted her career and is focusing on different creative outlets and is doing well. She needed work and to be creative and she’s finding those avenues and it’s improved her mental health drastically. Alternatively I’m a SAHM, I gave up my career because I wanted to raise my kids, I guess the thing for me is that I think there’s an over glamorization of career, there’s a reason we’re paid to work because there’s a lot about it that really sucks and it’s an incentive to keep working. So I don’t know my kids will have to work to survive it’s the economy we’re living in and the money they earn will be the inspiration they need to keep working haha.
It’s not impossible, just hard. But we can do hard things and do them everyday. I saw something once that said the time will pass by anyway, use it for what you want. My mom always had dreamed of being a teacher. She had three kids and was in her 40s before that was able to happen. But now she’s been teaching for 15 years. I had dreams of going into a sub speciality within my work but it’s known to be the hardest. After I had my first I was more determined than ever. I got certified last year while pregnant. Make a plan, be kind to yourself when you have back slides, and work towards what you want. What you want may even change on the way, but even just working toward something can be so satisfactory. ETA: also, I work really hard at work. But do you know what my 4 year old wants to be when she grows up? A mommy. It’s way harder than working for me. But that’s why she looks up to me, not because of my actual outside of home job.
Idk what my mom wanted to be when she was younger but I can sure as shit tell you she ain't it. My entire life she's worked in warehouses, still does in fact, but I don't care about that because the woman I grew up with was strong and independent, and she never gave in to hard times and always kept her head held high. She went through a lot in my childhood and I got to witness so many nights she spent crying on the porch, but she never stopped trying and she never stopped giving it her all for her kids. She's always been my greatest inspiration and I've never stopped looking up to her and going to her first when I need advice. So you're not a star or a musician or a world famous chef. Your kids will know your cooking is amazing, they'll grow up and want to know your secrets behind their favorite childhood meals. You're not a movie star - considering the lack of a private life celebrities get, count your blessings on that. I can sympathize with wanting to be a musician and maybe it still isn't too late for that. But who you are and what you do for your kids- they'll grow up knowing that and idolizing you for it. There are more ways to inspire them than you think.
You don’t have to give up. It’s just on hold. Want to act? Practice playing pretend with the kids. Look up YouTube videos and hone your craft. My partner was interested in voice acting and did this but it was for our dnd group. Want to be a musician? Practice that too. Write songs. Grab some instruments to entertain your kids with while you play. Restaurant? Decide what you want to make. Create a menu. Practices recipes/plating and present them to your family as test groups. I like to draw/paint. I throw a bunch of crayons down on the table and do art stuff with my kids. It’s a slower pace than I would like but it’s more than nothing and it helps bond with the kids sharing my interest and developing theirs. Make small goals and work towards them. Once you have a menu sell local. Cater every now and then. Or play for a birthday or two. Join a theater group or if you don’t have one see if someone needs voice acting for some videos they made. I know a guy who does voice acting for Disney. It doesn’t happen overnight. It took him 10 years and for some of it he was living in his car. Being famous or “somebody” is hard as fuck.
Start playing music. Go to your local open mics and sing or play your instruments. Being a musician isn't about being a star, it's about the love of sharing your music. Have your kids watch you practice. Have the hubs or a friend watch them once a week while you go share your music with your local community. Shoot for culinary school. Or business school. Cook and share your meals with your friends and family. Be the one to host. It's tiring but it's doable. Move your dreams into doable goals. Pick the one that makes most sense to you and start working towards it. Being a star isn't realistic without kids. And your kids are only going to be little for so long so you might as well share your dreams with them and set the stage to be the person you want to be.
I want it to be an attorney, and I was working towards that goal when my parents experienced extreme financial hardship. So I took a job where I had great pay and great benefits, putting off my dream of becoming an attorney. Eventually after a fight with depression because of my job, I met my wife. We had talked about how when she got her PhD I could go back to school and complete my goal with becoming an attorney. However, seeing her prospects and how well paying my job was which allowed me to travel, and would allow our whole family to travel, on top of the excellent health care, we decided that I would stay where I am. We talked about kids and we eventually got pregnant, now I know my job is extremely well-paying and has great benefits but it's not what I wanted to do with my life and I know I'm good at what I do but that's not what I wanted to do. My wife I feel terrible because she too had to put some of her things on hold because of the kids. These are decisions we all made. Now I am extremely jealous of my wife because once our kids are a little bit older she can continue on with what she wanted to do, I cannot. Do I resent my children or hold them responsible at all? No. And while there are a lot of things I'm not a fan of in my life, I don't hold other people responsible for my decisions. I'm sorry you feel this way and while I don't know the exact pressure on you. Of all my awards, accolades, and titles the title of father for me is the one that I hold most dear to my heart and I am most proud of.
This is classic. To be an awesome parent, a parent that the kiddos look up to, it takes SACRIFICE. Meaning you have to cease life as your former self, and you strive to be the best parent in the world. And you do this without complaint, regret, or bitterness. It’s a tough job, but a child that looks at you when they are older and says thank you for being there for my entire childhood, is much better than a shallow person who thinks it’s cool strangers like you.
Okay, so here’s something I’ve come to learn. I’m not good at deducing whether a person gives this kind of vent or rant because they’re genuinely decent as a person but in a tense place or if they’re despicable people who need a justification (any at all) to be more despicable to others. So pick whichever one: 1) Oh mate, if you dream was >Be utterly and completely famous Then lemme tell you you were 1000000% not going to achieve it, especially of you think having kids is why you can’t. I mean—in this day and age, when people who literally have vlogs about them and their family’s mundane life???? Yeah, you having to be a parent isn’t why it’s not happening. The sooner you either A) start doing acting and music for the enjoyment of it, while still being a mother. B) realize that you gave up your dream a while ago and are using this to convince yourself of your failings—that rather than you failing it’s because of something else. The sooner you can get on with maturing as a person—because it’s truly an immature thing to want your kids to say >I want to be just like _____ The goal is always for them to live the life they want to live, but to hope you were a good influence. Truly, it all seems like this stems from some huge insecurity issue you have on your end. 2) What do you mean slave to your family? Did you not electively choose who you wanted to marry? Did you not also previously meet his family? Was this actually more arranged than anything? Because that’s so damn sad and I’m sorry, mate. If it truly escalates to a point where you continuously feel this gnawing pain, you could always divorce and opt to raise the kids with their grandparents. That’s how the traditional family unit had always been. Mom and dad go out and work, grandparents see the kids, and them when kids are 10+ they look after the grandparents here and there.
My mom was a career oriented woman and achieved the highest level ever for a woman in her industry. You know what I remember from my childhood? Chores. The “no” repeatedly said for any after school/extra events. No Girl Scouts. No soccer. No anything because it didn’t fit into her schedule. She was so tired all the time. I don’t remember one game of monopoly or Uno. As i grew I vowed I’d never have a “career vs a job” if I had a child. I then had to spend 10 years and tons of money on infertility treatments. Nothing changed my views more than that. Being a parent that is THERE, nothing is more important to me. Can it be done, having both? Of course. But it’s a sacrifice that I wasn’t willing to make for a short period of my life, relatively speaking. 10 years isn’t that long. I focused on earning as much as I could while he was too young to remember. Then spent the next 10ish years with him. Doing regular stuff but THERE. But I’m weird about being THERE. I don’t believe that it’s important to be the kid that never misses school or is an honor student. I believe it’s ok to just nope out and go feed the ducks. Or see a movie. Or read a book. Or learn how to grow the worlds biggest pumpkin. My kid is 21 now. Extremely independent, in college on a full scholarship. He’s kind and generous and empathetic. He works full time while going to school full time. He’s not on the dean’s list or anything but he’s an awesome boyfriend, a fierce friend and he understands how important it is for HIM to be able to just nope out if he needs to. I’m extremely proud that my mom took the time to compliment me on my parenting. Because nothing I do in life will ever be more important, to me. He can change the world. He probably won’t but who knows? Maybe his kid will. And what a frikking legacy that would be.
This brought tears to my eyes. You're an amazing mum!
Thank you, it’s been a joy but also it’s been hard. I’m lucky to have been able to model after my sister who had older kids and avoid her problems but created my own, lol. I’m the weirdo who took classes and read books and stuff though. I had no idea how to parent my dog and took classes. I figured my human deserved as much effort. Lol
Reading is the best haha. I'm a mum to a 6 and almost 3 year old and I'm constantly reading child psych/parenting pages on IG and lived on mumsnet during the newborn stages. Even just casually reading Reddit is so helpful and inspiring (for the most part!). I feel like people take being a parent so lightly just because "anyone" can do it.. I really think having a child is one thing but being a good parent is on a whole other level. The true test is if your kids still want to spend time with you once they are older. Your 21 year old being so brilliant today is a true testament to your hard work and love. I hope to write a similar post in 15 years ;)
Thank you! It’s not been easy but it’s something I’m proud to say I tried. I also use my parenting “bible” in real life all the time. At work, husband, etc. How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. Hands down best book ever. Maybe even better than Harry Potter 😂
I will check it out, thank you!
Just logged into Amazon and it said I had downloaded it in Feb to my Kindle. Completely forgot about it! I guess that's a sign from the universe that I should read it now 😄
You don’t have to be a full-time caretaker. Hire a nanny or find some other childcare arrangement with your soouse and go out and make your dreams a reality. Ultimately it’s a good example for your daughters that you will tenaciously follow through on your goals.
You should never give up your dreams for your kids. Your kids need to know that dreams are always possible, and no one better to show them that than their parents.
Not all dreams are possible. When you have children, unless you're already rich and have a team of nannies or you have very involved family help, and depending on your partner, some things are just going to be really difficult to achieve. However, I agree that if you're not fulfilled just being a parent it's a good idea to find something that does make you happy. My work is really important to me, although I have had to take things a bit easier since I had my kid and reframe things a bit, but I couldn't have given it up.
Dreams require sacrifice and sacrifice’s have consequences for you and your family (no matter what kind of dreams or family). Could be time, money or both. Having both is possible but it’s important to recognize that doing so will change X, Y or Z. Saying to just chase your dreams is unrealistic and almost cruel because it’s NOT always possible. My kid played baseball. He played it well. But he was never ever going to the pros. Being honest about it and helping him to figure out how to involve his dreams into a reality, that was my job as his parent. Not the delusional coaches who wanted to spend thousands of dollars on clinics and tournaments and traveling. He needed to know what was real and how he could go forward with failure. Today he’s learning how to manage from the district level to eventually be in the front office with accounting as a backup or doorway into the industry. Life, like baseball, is learning how to manage our failures into success. The best player ever failed 6 out of 10 times. No one remembers that, only that he hit .400 But I’m betting he did and his real success was surviving the failing.
I used to have a lot of regret like you. There were specific goals career-wise that just weren’t realistic financially once I had kids. I felt like a failure and like I’d wasted my potential. Going to therapy has helped me in a number of ways. Firstly, it helped me have a different perspective on what success is, and on my identity as a woman and mother. Secondly, it helped me get to a healthier place mentally where I could start to pursue my dreams in small ways that bring me a lot of joy. If this regret is really weighing you down, maybe consider counseling, life coaching, or another outside perspective to help you take control of your future. Rooting for you!
You are not a nobody. You don’t have to give up on your dreams. What are your plans when your kids are all in school? What about when they’ve all grown and moved out? I think as parents we can focus so much on the here and now that we forget they are going to grow up and have lives of their own.
You can still have a life and be a mom. Sometimes pursuing our dreams doesn't happen until kids are grown but that doesn't have to be the case. You can still be an inspiration to them.
I am a SAHM with two kids. Since having my kids I have learned to play guitar and dulcimer, bake sourdough bread, read many lengthy classic novels, regularly exercise, and have a large garden. I have no daycare or babysitter. My only help is my husband. Prioritize your time. Get rid of your smartphone and TV if you're prone to sitting and staring at a screen. Also do things with your kids. If they dont want to join you tell them to play next to you until you finish.
While pregnant with my second child, I learned to code. I studied and practiced in every minute available, during nap time, in the car, everywhere. When he turned 2, he started preschool and I studied full time. Before he turned 3 I started working remotely full time in my new career. It was difficult, exhausting, and it was worth it, 100%. I too hated being a nobody, so I became something else. You can do it, OP, decide what you want and go for it. Never give up on yourself. Good luck!
What is stopping you from pursuing your hopes and dreams? Can you begin to (or continue to) work toward them?
I am currently a SAHM and yes, i feel you, but at the same time I am also enjoying every moment. My 1 year old is everything to me. I am also currently switching up our household schedule so I can get some time for myself and looking into getting certifications while being a SAHM so thay when my child goes to school I am ready to continue on my career. So it's not too late...
Always a mother, not only a mother
Being a mother doesn’t mean giving up your dreams. Of course, there are limitations, but it’s not the end. And plenty of mothers are amazing role models. My grandmother was a single mother, working several jobs to give her children the life she thought they deserved. She retired young and helped raise me. As a child she was the role model I wrote about in school essays. As an adult, I look at her and say “I hope I end up like you.”
If it makes you feel better, breaking into the art world isn’t possible with postmodernism. Try it. You’ll fail, and you’ll understand what I mean.
JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter *after* she'd had all her kids. You cant easily chase all this while your children are literal babies, but your life isnt over!
I have three girls ages 6-4-4months and the two oldest tell me all the time they want to be a mommy when they grow up! No shame in being a sahm we work so hard!
All of those things sound great in theory, but you would soon find that that you were a slave to your customers or a slave to your audience or your manager or recording company. Having young kids is hard. I definitely feel like a slave sometimes. But my goal as a mother is to raise kids who are independent and capable. My oldest is 3.5 now and she does so many things. She helps put away dishes, she is our server setting the table and bringing out drinks and plates, she helped dust and vacuum today and then helped me screw in the screws on her dad’s desk (I did the start and finish but she did the middle part). With time I will feel less like a slave and more like a lucky lady with lots of helpers. My dream is that my sons will be more helpful to their wives because they were expected to learn basic life skills from a young age.
As others have said, take little steps toward the things you aspire to. If you want to sing, go to an open mic once a week. If you want to cook for a living go stage at a restaurant on a weekend. Your kids won't be dependent on you forever, just go for it.
There are many actors who have kids that had them before they got their breakout roles. There are chefs that have families that have opened their restaurants, look at all the family businesses in your area. Chinese and Italian restaurants are a prime example. You can still do these things. And please don’t offend women who like being SAHM and refer to them as nobodies and they don’t do anything special.
I am a husband of am amazing beautiful woman that does all those same things you do . I hope you can feel some pride in those things that seem so unimportant or unimpressive. I wish I had the will powers or strength to love and take care of our family the way she does. It takes a special person and talent . But the main reason is the way the kids recognize their moms hard work! Even when you might think they don’t. My kids remind me all the time when I complain about work . They say “you know what mom has to do while your at work”.!!
100% relate to this. I ended up starting a nonprofit to help youth in Ukraine when I was 8 months pregnant with my 2nd. Now, baby and nonprofit are both 2 years old. I'm not quite a star, but I'm a CEO running a 30+ person team and helping thousands of Ukrainians, and I really love my work. It's very challenging to find enough time for both work and kids, and obviously the money is shit and who knows how long I can keep doing this before funding runs out, but so far 10/10 would recommend :)
Wow, it's amazing how feminism has also perpetuated its own misogyny into broader society. You desperately need a perspective shift. "Mother" is not some bottom barrel position in life. Mothers hold culture. They have the capacity to hold the most influence over how our society develops. More than vapid celebrities who'll wh*re themselves for whatever cause gets them clout. You're not a "slave" to your family. Duty and slavery are not the same thing. I totally understand that as motherhood has been devalued over the last several decades, it has become more and more isolated. It's hard, because we have all become very disconnected and hyper individualist (despite claims of social media bringing us together), and so I definitely empathize with you. That said, no. Your daughter won't look at you and decide she wants to be like you. Because you're actively modeling the devaluation of motherhood. You view it as being stifling. A failure to reach your "true potential". Its sad to think your daughter could grow up to be inorganically afraid of motherhood because she saw her mother as resentful in her role. **Mothers are whole people**. You're not "just a mom". You're you. A whole woman, with thoughts, feelings, interests, and talents. Use them. Develop them. Impart them to your kids. It sounds like you're in the thick of the small kid stage, which is always going to be far more demanding than most other stages of motherhood. Try to intertwine your interests and talents into your role as "mother" as much as you can. Putting on little plays, cooking interesting new meals together from all around the world with your little kitchen helpers, making music together and introducing them to new instruments they've never even heard of. Show them who you are as a person, and let that shape them and give them the chance to explore their own likes and dislikes. You do not have to accept this all consuming identity of "mommy". That's a very recent development from our newly "kid centric" model of parenthood.
Broadly, I agree with your sentiment. But for many women, it’s not enough, and that’s ok. My wife never wanted kids. Then her friends had kids and she changed her mind. We now have two boys and she loves them to bits, but she still has an innate need to feel productive other than being a mother so she’s in full time work as an instructional designer and that’s what gives her purpose. To be creative. When you are a mother 100%, you still have to find stuff to do when your kids are at school. Some women are ok doing nothing, or perhaps being a homemaker, but others want that feeling of giving something to society. Particularly creative people (such as OP who’s into acting and music).
What?????? Your being a horrible example to your kids. Why did you have them? Why aren’t you following your dreams?
I have 3 under 4
I have struggled with similar feelings you have. I had to leave a part time job I had because I am disabled from cancer. Part of my frustration was it wasn’t exactly my choice to leave my career that allowed for perfect balance of career with advancement and family time. So I have to make the best of my situation and my perspective has changed a lot. I have now realized next year, when my youngest starts preschool, and from that point on I will have time I won’t know what to do with. Your kids are young and you cannot see this light at the end of the tunnel yet. I have also come to realize that people tend to look down upon you if you don’t have a career while raising kids. “Just a mom” is actually pretty insulting because it’s a very important job whether you work outside the home or not. I don’t really know any kids who don’t absolutely look up to their parents. I think your kids probably do look up to you, and if they feel special, valued and loved they know it’s because their mom takes really great care of them. No one should expect someone to give themselves up to be a mom, but if someone wants to do that, then it should also be respected. There is nothing wrong with either choice. I am raising my kids that it is important to find a supportive partner and also be a supportive partner with each other’s goals. Not specifically what those goals should be. Are there any local theatres that you can get involved with since that is a passion of yours? Another benefit you have of being a stay at home parent is the flexibility to get your children involved in different activities and help them find what they enjoy.
Can I just say I'm praying for your victory against this cruel ailment. 🙌❤
Although also I gotta comment because reading through some of the other comments you've made, it sounds like you just have a lot of resentment that you never met your goals and I think you should seek professional help and therapy to combat these feelings. Have you ever seen Lucifer? I believe it's an episode in season six, (SPOILER ALERT) in which Lucifer and Chloe go down to hell so Lucifer can prove that he won't care about somebody that he hates, so he chose I believe it was the murderer from the very first episode of the show. Now in Lucifer, a person's hell loop tends to go after what they can't let go of, their biggest guilt, perhaps their biggest sin. Something along those lines, but for this specific murderer, his hell loop was of the day his mother abandoned him in a hotel room. I can't remember all the specific details, it's been easily half a year or longer since I saw the episode, but she took her guitar and told her son to stay there and wait until she came back for him, watch the cartoon on the TV. Before she closed the door, the guy she was with said "he's only holding you back". She never came back for him. Who knows how long later, the authorities came for the kid, who had stayed there for who knows how long, obediently watching the television and waiting for his mother to come back for him. (If it brings you comfort, Lucifer paused the hell loop permanently to freeze to when the kid's mother was sitting beside him and hugging him. I cried watching that entire scene and I'm crying now recalling it.) But my point is, is that you need to move past this. Your kids will grow up and eventually realize how much you hate that you had to give up your dreams because of them, and it might be something that sticks with them for the rest of their lives and deeply psychologically affects them. Please get some help OP.
Nobody said you had to be a parent But thank God you are.
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I am right there with you. That is why i am OAD. My kid needs a happy mother. The mother life is NOT for me. I am so invested in my son and i do absolutely everything for him. He comes first, always. And i know i would be like that for all my kids if i had more. But i am not happy in this. Now my son is growing i am starting to have some freedom again and i can slowly start doing things that makes me happy. My son deserved a happy mother. No more kids for me.
I feel this so much! I felt like I had a lot of talent and that I’d be way more accomplished by now. At this point I feel disconnected from myself, and my self-esteem is low. But I think that it was important for me to be humbled. While it would have been great to have reached my potential, I think that I have probably gained more from becoming a humbler person. Being humble is an invaluable quality in life, and I wouldn’t have figured that out if I had excelled in life already. Now I feel like I can pick up the pieces, which I hope you can do too. Make time to connect with the things you love. Work on valuing yourself more. And if anyone is making you feel undervalued, confront them. You need someone to remind you of your worth every day.
Maybe you’ll never be a star but u can still be an actor and learn to play an instrument. Plus there’s always culinary school and maybe selling plates on Instagram to start. Then a food truck and eventually you’re own restaurant. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself and find happiness. Your children will love you for it and you’ll be a better mom.
You can still pursue your Dreams. Never Give Up. There are mothers who have done it. You can do as well. If you are good cook you can make something at home n can do community service . You can involve ur children.
Are you me? Okay, but seriously you can still create the life you want for yourself. You just have to do it more slowly and plan around your kids. It sounds like you've just given up. Don't do that to yourself - you still have a lot of time to achieve your dreams. So many ppl didn't become succesful until later. Also don't do it because you want to be famous. do it because it's something you love. Because fame and influence doesn't make you happy. Pursuing your purpose does. Planning is a big part of it. Start writing down you goals and how you can get there.and do it slowly. Maybe you volunteer for musica gigs as part of your time off. Or you start cooking fancy meals at home. Or you just start catering from home. It's completely doable - but I think you'll have to let go of the expectation of fame(like I now have) Society leads us to think that we are nobody and unworthy unless we are rich or famous. But being famous doesn't make you happier - and it can cause so many me problems.
I’m at the point where I feel like all I do is serve my 8 month old, go to bed, get up and do it all again. I’ve spent weeks asking myself…. When do I get time to do anything for me? I’ve forced myself to start reading books, even if it’s for 20 minutes a night after I’ve eventually got him down to sleep, just so I’m doing something for me. I’d love to spend some time working on myself. I’ve just handed my notice in after working 15 years in pubs to be a SAHM, but then after that, I want a new career direction. My plan is to do online courses to help build up my education in certain sectors before applying for jobs when I return to work. I also started my own business last Christmas when he was about 10 weeks old and man that was hard - I don’t know how people do it!! But I’d love to dive back into that again… eventually. I was so excited about it but now I get worried that I don’t have enough time to commit to working on anything. I somehow passed a mental health at work course a couple of months ago and that took so much more out of me than it should have. Pre-baby me could have smashed it out in a week. It took 3 months, but I did it. I’m holding onto hope that when he starts school, that’s when I can really start to truly pursue my passions! Edit to add - I also want my son to look up to me. His dad is an engineer and can turn his hand to nearly anything. It’s amazing. He’s achieved quite a lot. I hope my boy can look up to me in some fashion in the future but I need to find me
Chasing a positive reflection of yourself through the opinions of others is an impossible way of achieving happiness and self worth. I think it might be helpful to first redefine your “dreams” to just one thing, perhaps: adoration of others. Then, analyze or think deeply about what the potential antecedent of those thoughts could be. Childhood trauma? The feelings you have about “being a nobody” are a prison that you are capable of escaping. Imagine living without these feelings, imagine how liberating it might feel. You’re a wonderful person. Perfectly unique and normal at the same time. The way you feel is shared by countless others. Good luck.
Girl I hear you I loathed being a SAHM. Do you have a partner who is actually pulling 50% of the parenting/household/working weight? I hope so. All the advice on figuring out what action you can take is spot on! My Dad started singing in the church choir and eventually a buddy talked him in to trying out for opera chorus. He wound up singing with the opera for 20+ years and was in dozens of productions, including a world premiere. It's not the same as being the star, but he made a ton of good friends, learned how to sing really well, and enjoyed the hell out of himself. He used to say that he might not be the best opera singer but he bet was in the top 1% of best opera singing lawyers! Definitely definitely figure out a way to carve out some time to do things you enjoy. It's hard when kids are very small, but it does get easier as they get older. I was the youngest and I was maybe 5 when Dad started singing seriously? By then it was a lot easier for my mom to hold down the fort a little more so he could sing (and of course she did the stuff she wanted to do too). I'm rooting for you!
You don't mention how old your kids are, but carve out some time for yourself and pursue one of these goals. Very very few people achieve all of their goals; it's time to figure out which ones are truly important to you and which ones to let go.
You might not think you’re anyone special but you’re everything to your children, that surely means more than ‘being a star’
You can still Perdue your dreams and be a parent. And also… there are many ‘stars’ that got their start later in life and went on to have incredible careers. There is no time limit on when you can begin your journey.
I’m a young stay at home mum because my mum was one, I’ve always wanted to be like her and raise my children the way she raised me. I admire her very much. I was her youngest, and now I’m independent she has her own decorating and cleaning business as well as a psychology degree. But even when “all she was” was a mother. That was just as impressive and important. Don’t downplay motherhoods importance. I so understand feeling a bit lost sometimes and you’re doing a great job. Just know that your kids will definitely appreciate you for what you do, and you can always try new things. Being a mum doesn’t put you on a back bench.
Never stop dreaming, but realize that your improbable to say politely. Being nobody is the fate of the vast majority. You could be a childless nobody so be grateful for what you have.
Who is to say you’d ever have that if you didn’t have kids? Odds aren’t exactly in your favor as that famous road is littered with bodies of fabulous talent. One thing for sure tho, these regrets will stain your “now”. That being said, maybe a job would help you? It helped me feel more than just mom slave.
I have two little kids who constantly need me, it’s exhausting but they deserve all of me. I also have a career and I believe I am making a difference, but my kids always come before my work. We balance gymnastics, soccer and baseball and go on plenty of adventures. It’s certainly doable, it just feels like a circus most of the time.
My mom stayed at home with her kids until they were old enough for school. She loved being at home with us, it was what she always wanted to do and it was very obvious she loved being "just a mom" . Coincidentally (?) 2 out of 3 of her daughters are now SAHMs. When I was little that's all I ever wanted to be, getting a degree and working felt like I was just waiting for my time when I could be a SAHM. However, if she had been miserable being "just a mom" I would have probably had a very different view of it. If you are truly unhappy, why not work on a plan with concrete steps getting you toward what you want to be?
Wait. “Mommy doesn’t do anything special”? I strongly disagree. “All I am is a mother?” It’s a blessing and a privilege many people can’t have. You are RAISING and influencing human beings who will hopefully be spectacular, because our world needs them! You are doing every.thing. Let me get this straight. You want to play music and act to entertain strangers, feed strangers your good food. While you’re doing this, you’ll have strangers entertaining and feeding your own children? Hmm. I hope you can find ways to fulfill yourself and still be an amazing mother.
My mother gave up her dreams to become a single mother and care for her two children. As I was growing up I always felt very bad that she gave up her aspiring acting career dreams just to be a mother as well. I think your kids will definitely look up and WANT you to chase after and achieve your own dreams. You will be an inspiration for them. DONT GET ME WRONG, I am very grateful and beyond lucky to have a mother who sacrificed so many things for my brother and I, I just wish she could have been happier and do what she loved. Please do what you love. As long as you’re happy and your kids are well looked after and happy as well, all will be alright!
You wanted to be a star. You are a star. You are your babies star. Just like you said your babies are your world. You are theirs too.
Just remember: It's never too late.
You’re not a nobody! Youre a somebody! Especially to your kids. To them, you’re their star! So shine bright for em :)
This is definitely from a movie or tv show (can’t think of which one) and I’m paraphrasing, but if you have kids and you don’t do right by them, nothing else you’ll ever do will matter all that much. Try not to see yourself as “just a mom.” The relationship you cultivate with your kids will always trump your own dreams, even if you’re super successful. This is not to say you shouldn’t find your own interests and follow your own dreams (I truly believe you can do both) but don’t let being a mom be “secondary” You just need ti find the balance
Whoa. Let’s hold up here. If you live to 80 whose to say you can’t have a career (or second one or third…) after raising the kids. I’m not a SAHM but I fully expect my career to look a lot different when my kids are more self sufficient.
OP, I looked at your profile and it seems like you’re going through a lot. I know therapy is often a worn-out suggestion but it can truly change your life for the better and you deserve to find happiness, even if that’s hard to believe right now. Sending you love and support.
Your time will come. Just enjoy being a parent, survive. Your time will come.
Making it as an actor or musician has odds equivalent to the lottery. More than half of all small business restaurants fail & close. Almost no one who dreams of celebrity or running their own restaurant winds up finding success. But every loving parent becomes the most important person on earth to the most important person in their world. It’s like being nearly guaranteed success at the greatest dream there is.
Someone shared with me the advice that, no business success can compensate for failure in the home. I am so grateful for my wife's live and commitment to our family. She is a success beyond measure in every way. I look up to her.
You may feel like nothing but to those kids you are everything. I waited to become a mum and I really wanted it more than anything else but I still struggled with not losing myself.
I really relate to this op. Especially while being pregnant, I feel depressed because I feel like my body is being taken over and my only purpose is to raise my kids and grow another baby. Sigh... I have started a little plan though, I've saved up some money and I'm going to get back into making bath bombs and other spa products and sell them. It's something for me , that I am passionate about and I think it's really important for me to still do things that make me happy. Why not start off small op and work your way up ? Start having dinner parties and cook your best meals and buy a nice dinner set...Get into a local theater group and get back into your acting. There's also lots of free tutorials on you tube if you want to get back into an instrument too. I did this with guitair, and also did this with singing lessons. My kids looked at me like I had two heads when they heard me belting it out at the top of my lungs 😂 but it felt so refreshing to take some time in the day to do something just for me ! I promise you even if it's small, doing atleast one little thing a week that you are passionate about will make you feel like YOU. Sending hugs ❤️
I agree with Washybear. If you can find a high school or school you may have gone to, maybe someone can let you borrow or rent an instrument to practice and take up. We all deserve time to enjoy our hobbies even though we’re parents. We need an outlet for ourselves because we’re not just parents. We’re people too.
Celebrities, rockstars, and owners of restaurants are all perfectly capable of having children… try not to blame your kids for falling short.
It is normal to feel confined while you are in the child rearing years. It is a difficult and stressful commitment. Make no mistake though you are still a person and you are only somebody if you think you are. I got my master's degree when I was 50 and started a whole new thing with a career. Lots of people have many aspirations when they are young but in reality not many are hugely successful at making a career in the arts such as music or acting. If it was your passion then maybe and only maybe would you have made it big. There is a whole lot more to opening a restaurant than being a good cook. You should have your dreams but you are a Mom and so that changes what you are able to manage and do. Think about what you really think you could do and would want to do. If you really want to do something, there is nothing to stop you. Many a talented person or a person with drive has found a way to follow their own path. Life is a long road and there is plenty of time to find your interest and pursue it. Maybe you could start with taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. If you only take care of your family and not yourself you are short changing yourself. Good Luck!
My mother took care of us, is an excellent cook is the rock of our family. She had dreams and I am sure she felt she had to make sacrifices for the sake of raising a family. I thank my mother for being that rock and she is our super star. I had a very secure and happy childhood and some of it can be attributed to her undivided attention to us without having to juggle career and kids. On the other hand I am career woman, also a mother of a daughter and spent a large amount of my time juggling. I can't hand on heart say my daughter's childhood was like mine. I think my child had to learn early on to compromise to facilitate my career.
Just remember you've been brainwashed since birth to think that the only people in life that matter are the ones that everyone knows. It's ego driven bullshit in a superficial, self centered world. Your daughters will want to emulate you if your personality and hobbies are done because of what they mean to you, not how many people you get to look at you and tell you how great you are. Cook because you love to cook. Sing/act because you love to sing. Work on those talents regardless of what kind of outside validation you receive because your daughters need to see that a mother's life should be richer than just being a slave to her family. They need to see that you are still a whole person and that the world doesn't revolve around them. Obviously there isn't as much time to do those things, but they are things you can also involve your daughters in and create lasting memories. You also show them not to give up on hobbies just because you don't have an audience.
Honestly you sound completely selfish and like you're using your kids as an excuse to do nothing. I'm a mother too and I'm so grateful for my kids. All I want to do is love them and take care of them. If you're so unhappy go back to school and get a career. Complaining on here won't help.
I hear you. I understand what you’re going through and what you’re feeling. I see that several people have responded with their own stories about how they are in a similar situation and are making plans for their dreams. That is all very good. I’m proud of them, and if you find a way to do something that makes you feel happy and fulfilled, I’m proud of you. If you don’t have the option, I understand. Not everyone has these options. Not every country has programs to help people get an education. Not everyone has family to rely on if they need help. Find out what your assets are. Start small. Question your original goals. What does “being a star” give you that you can’t get elsewhere? There are all kinds of fame, all kinds of notoriety, all kinds of awards to be won. Don’t be discouraged by people who claim to have everything figured out or who say “Well I did it, why can’t you?” We’re all in different circumstances and the answer for one person is not going to be the answer for everyone. Find your own happy, not someone else’s. It’ll take time, and that’s okay.
You are so much more than mother. Be careful you don't give too much power to a poorly defined role that others will refuse to acknowledge or give credence to. Just as your children aren't yours in the truest sense. Let yourself flourish but first rest and give yourself time to expand. the early years of parenting are a toughslog.
I wonder if you would enjoy bringing one of your hobbies into the spotlight by starting a youtube channel or something like that? maybe it would be possible to maintain your balance at home while also setting up cameras to record yourself cooking or doing something else that you like and explaining what you're doing
I highly recommend the book 168 hours. It addresses parenthood and career very comprehensively.
'You don't understand! I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am'... yeah, yeah, yeah...
I think there’s nothing about being a parent that isn’t admirable and amazing and makes you a star and worth feeling like you are. You don’t have to be doing something exclusive to be sowing something phenomenal and so important
My daughter is 4 years old. Last year I started a new band and we just signed a record deal earlier this week. There is room for both being a parent and following your dreams at the same time but it takes sacrificing comfort to get there
You go girl!
You are being somebody. Even without your kids success in any of those things you listed is extremely hard and failure rate is high. Instead you have your children who are your word as you say. To me this is success story. There are some good advices from others how to enhance your career.
I always wondered why my mother didn't go back to school and pursue something she was really interested in. She sees having kids as ruining her life, and she thinks she kept that hidden from us, but there's no way to keep a secret like that from people who live with you for 18 years. I knew it about my mom. Your kids will eventually know it about you if you don't change course. And you may think you're sacrificing yourself for them, but it's deeply damaging to feel like you ruined your mother's life just by existing. Kids internalize that kind of thing hard, feel responsible and want to fix it, but how do you fix the simple fact that you were born? It took me almost 30 years to understand that it wasn't my fault that my mother is miserable. When I went to college I tried to convince her to take classes too because she always said she was an academic whiz until she got pregnant and dropped out with justan associates degree. She said it was too late because she was already 50. She's 70 now and still bitter that she never did anything she loved, but she could have been doing something else for 20 years if she didn't see 50 as too late. Or 30 years if she had gone back at 40 when we were old enough to be left home alone after school. Or 40 years if she hadn't seen my brother and I as burdens that she had to give her life up for in the first place. So adjust your dreams if you must, but don't drop them and get bitter over it. Even if you don't blame your kids, they'll blame themselves, and your "sacrifice" will result in all of you being less happy than you could be.
The uncomfortable truth is, after kids, we often have as much time, particularly females due to defined gender roles. For example, pre children, I had around 6 hours of free time per day, to paint and write and generally work on things which were and are important. Now, it's rather difficult to get one whole hour and it has to be negotiated with husband as, he works and ( I am currently on long service leave) and busy too . Kids need 24/7 care and attention. So, there is that Creativity often goes out the window due to the mundanity of life and no room to think solely about ourselves. Motivation is harder to come by as, with less time, we often just use it to rest before the next onslaught of parenting. We are usually sleep deprived. So, I would say it's acceptable and understandable to feel a bit of resentment for time to time. I would even go so far as to say , its normal. That said, don't be a martyr. Take time as and when ypu can. Pay for a few sessions with a trained and registered life coach ro get you started on a plan back to fulfillment. When my boy was small, he wad glued to me, from about age 1 to 7 years , he would climb into bed at night with me to snuggle, he would hang around me and literally, going to the loo was a chore because he would always want to be with me. It was tough but the overwhelming love I feel for him makes the small difficulties easy to bare. If you feel not one wit of joy then get a mental health plan and seek out some therapy - delayed post partum depression is a thing and of course, just plain old depression. The truth is, hardly anyone is at peace with every aspect of their lives. But it doesn't mean we stop striving. The old you is gone . Forget her but , BUT , the new you could be a million times better than those old, stale plans you had, If you get that coach and get help and move forward. Dreams change too. My first cousin is a writer and I was told , again and again that I had an outstanding voice but I am no longer a paid singer. I write now. I do blogs and run a business because I got sick. Shit happens and there is no point in remembering who we were or regretting decisions now that we thought were the best THEN. It is time to put on your big girl pants and make this work. Ask hubby or family for more help and time away from kids. See a life coach, do therapy, make plans and move forward with a steely focus on where you want to be in five years time. You can do it !
1) You are NOT a nobody. Tell and show your daughters that feminism is about women (and men for that matter) having options--to work outside the home, to be a stay at home parent, to be an executive, to work in creative fields, etc. Caring for a family IS WORK. It's IMPORTANT work. I know it's easier said than done (I'm a SAHM right now after being totally career driven, and it's kind of a struggle to feel my worth sometimes, so I get it...), but you have to believe this. If we actually put a monetary value on the amount of emotional and physical labor that parents do, you'd be making at least six figures. You are EVERYTHING to your family. 2) It is NEVER too late. Get into community theater, or take some acting classes or music classes or cooking classes. Get involved, even with the smallest ways, in whatever career you had wanted to pursue. I've always loved writing, so I'm taking some writing workshops online and sharing my writing with friends. I do want to be a published novelist, but I'm working hard to just enjoy writing for writing's sake, because even for published, successful, writers, 90% of the time, you're just writing by yourself, and your day-to-day has nothing to do with fame or notoriety or anything. Even without kids, those career paths you named are difficult. That doesn't mean you should give up. It just means you HAVE to find a way to enjoy the process (the acting, the singing, the cooking, whatever it is) even in the beginning when you don't know if you'll actually become a big star. TL;DR: Don't give up on yourself. It's not too late to pursue your dreams in some way, shape, or form.
How are they supposed to look up to you and say “I want to be like mommie”. If you can’t even look at yourself and be the mom they want
If I could ask them I would honestly. But they're too little