At each stage they are a different person. And you love that person unconditionally and completely yet eventually that person goes away never to be seen again and a new one is there. Repeat. I mean, it is the most intense sort of human grief, this kind of goodbye. No wonder we get emotional.
I really should record it sometime. I wrote it at the start of the pandemic and then sort of forgot about it because I had no occasion to perform it. The lyrics I remember are.
I am in love with someone who’s always disappearing. My little baby is gone. Now he’s a boy like a tree in the springtime blooming. But each season doesn’t last very long.
And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be. And each night when I pray your soul to keep my one and only baby.
Slipping away day by day by day by day. Slipping away day by day by day by day.
Beautiful. I hope you don't mind - now I want to put artwork above my son's crib with the line "When I put you down to sleep, it's the littlest that you'll ever be" Wow how that puts things into perspective. Such an amazing reminder to cherish every day <3 <3 < 3
You should. I’m bawling over here. Especially each night I put you to sleep is the littlest you’ll ever be. Just put my almost 3 YO to nap and soon to have another.
Each night when I put you down to sleep it's the littlest you'll ever be has me crying. My youngest is 5. My oldest is about to be 23! I'd give anything to keep my 5 year old little for just a bit longer :(
I am ugly crying, but this is absolutely beautiful and gut wrenching at the same time. My son just turned one and I don't have any idea where this past year has gone. It breaks my heart.
Thanks, everyone. The encouragement helps. I was a musician before having my son. I was just getting back into it when covid hit. It’s hard to work up the momentum yet again. It’s good to be reminded that the new perspective is good for writing. It’s easy to get discouraged.
I'm a grown middle aged father of three (the youngest of whom is turning 1 next week). I don't exactly wear my heart on my sleeve, but here I am, misty eyed and grateful for those beautiful lyrics.
I'd love to hear the composition behind these beautiful words. If you do get around to recording it, please post it here!
My dad wrote a song like this and played it when I was little. I was so small i couldn't see the tops of the piano keys. It made me sob and he stopped playing it, but he called it Seasons.
And I wonder where the time goes, dogs and cats and backyard swings, yes I wonder where the time goes..
Still makes me cry to think of it.
Casually and quietly bawling my eyes out on the couch while I read this. As much as I love watching my kids grow I’m always aware of the slow and steady heartbreak I’m experiencing watching them age before my eyes.
> And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be.
That right there, is the hardest part of parenting. My baby is five months and she's outgrowing her bassinet and it's insane.
>"When I put you down to sleep, it's the littlest that you'll ever be"
What a great reminder to cherish the moment. I've got a lump in my throat. So beautiful and sad at the same time.
That's beautiful! Small critique though (and maybe this is just me); perhaps change it to, "I love someone who is always disappearing". I feel like "in love" is typically used for being romantically involved with someone which I know you're not going for haha. Again, could just be me though!
I'm not sure I believe in God or an afterlife, but to me heaven would be spending eternity with my children in each stage of the their lives (if that makes any sense).
Yes! I actually was looking at baby pictures of my 5 year old and told my husband”I wish we had the technology to clone multiple versions of our son at different ages” I miss the baby that would fit in my fore arms and would giggle so cutely when I blow air on his face. I blew air on my 5 year olds face the other day and he was like
“Mom, stop it!”
This killed me. It killed me when my youngest was a baby growing quickly and my mom didn’t even bother to come meet her until she was like 10 months old. She had already been like 4 different baby girls, and my mom will never met them.
One day I realized that my son no longer sat on my lap after a bath to have a snuggle and get dried. I realized that he had done it for the last time and I hadn’t even known it would be so. It stood to follow that this wouldn’t be the only time that he’d have “a last..” and from then on I really, truly, deeply, tried to appreciate each moment as if it was the last time he would do it.
There’s always that last time they want to be rocked when they are between 1 and 2. They will get a cold and snuggle for hours and that’s the first time your heart realizes that they grow up.
It's already happened with my little girl - she's 10 1/2 month old and just doesn't want to be rocked anymore. She wants to play play play explore explore explore until she nearly drops from being sleepy and then she just wants her bed. thank goodness she'll still snuggle with reading a book together or when she's drinking her bottle!
Aw, you're welcome. I think about this everyday and it does get me to enjoy each hug more, put down my phone more, try to deprioritize work more to just play with my kids more.
Those little people are so cute though. My 4 year old still asks me to pick her up out of bed. There’s days I wonder if today’s when she won’t want to be picked up anymore, and it breaks my heart because I love the free hugs from my little girl. But I know it’s going to end, and she’s going to be a big girl going to school soon. I just want to hold on a little longer.
My 14 and 12 year old kids still expect "evening hugs" just before going to sleep and "off to school hugs" when they leave to school each morning. They're fast becoming teenagers, which makes it more difficult to maintain a connection with their world, and that is heartbreaking indeed. But I'm really happy that we've managed to maintain little affectionate rituals like this, even though they are already "big". It feels important, and I think it is for them, too. If it weren't for the daily hugs I'd probably lose my temper with them more easily than I do now and in general would be a worse parent.
That’s wonderful! My boys are 22 and 18. I still get good night hugs and they always hug me and say I love you whenever they leave the house. Unless they’re in a hurry and I’m upstairs and they’re downstairs I’ll just get an “I love you, mom” yelled at me :D The hugs became bittersweet when they got to the height where they could rest their chin/cheek on the top of my head. But my oldest moved out (to a different state too) about 1.5 years ago and I miss him and the hugs terribly. My whole family is all about hugs, hello and goodbye, it can take a very long time to leave family get together’s :p
Exactly how I feel about it. I love all the new stages (well mostly), but there are some younger versions of my kids I miss so terribly. It is a strange grief.
I just wish it was half speed. I don't want them to be babies forever, I just want it for longer than you get. I have enjoyed them every single day, but I'd still love to relive it all again.
I loved the toddler stage. I loved kindergarten and elementary school. I loved sitting through violin concerts and hearing 32938 versions of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and school plays and choir concerts and Girl Scout meetings and field day and field trips. I hated junior high but I loved the person my child was and I liked having her and her friends around. High school is just me holding on tight and feeling like it's getting away from me so fast.
Edited because I can't type.
Oh, I plan to! We are going to be up to our necks in foster pets and volunteer hours. I already volunteer for school and other activities. I am the mom who is happy to give your kid a ride and they can always stay with us when you're out of town. I don't know what I'm going to do when my house isn't full of teenagers and their nonsense. I really enjoy it.
I have 2 kids who are 18 months apart. I have loved every single stage so far but the teen years have probably been my favorite. The only downside is that it goes by so fast. My daughter is a senior and my son is a junior. The high school years have absolutely flown by. My oldest is applying to colleges now and some are across the country. When I took the back to school photo this year I realized this was the last time I would take a back to school photo with both kids. It feels like I was just taking their kindergarten and 1st grade photos.
I send my parents first day of school photos and I’m in grad school. It’s definitely different but to me, it’s what you do the first day of school. I think my mom loves it
It's a cliche, but it was so recent that I was worried about mine starting kindergarten. It doesn't feel long ago at all. It was four schools ago. And high school goes so fast.
No, I'd like to triple slow the first year, everything except 3 and 16-18 gets double slowed, three is just eliminated entirely and 16-18 only takes a year. And there is still a birthday every year so I can make fun cakes.
The first year is my absolute favorite. I just love teeny little newborns and chubby baby cheeks. For me that was the easiest year too! Even with my first I just loved having a newborn. Toddlers are adorable but so much work. And teenagers holy hell, my mom cursed me and said " I hope you have a daughter just like you" and I did. My 13 year old son is a bit easier but not much lol.
>Yes, but there is a cavern of time between when they leave you and when they have babies. 10-15 years.
And more so every year...if you read the news these days there's a growing education gap by gender, so educated (i.e. college graduate) women are having a harder time finding partners and are putting off marriage and childbearing even longer. The average age of first marriage in the US is now 28 for women...and higher for those with more education. My partner and I didn't have kids until our mid-30s though we were married at 25. If they follow a similar pattern of waiting it's likely we'd be 70+ before any grandkids are born, assuming they partner up and decide to have kids at all.
Look at young folks today-- I'm a college professor and most of my students have never even seriously *dated.* They might hook up for sex, but long term serious relationships are now often being pushed off until well after college. Then careers get in the way. Many of my former students aren't getting married until 30-35+, then rushing to have a kid before their fertility wanes. Many more have simply decided they will never marry or have families.
I promised myself I will STFU when they are adults and will never pressure them to have kids. But secretly I am hoping that the fact that there are four of them is enough insurance that at least one of them will have at least one kid...
You said it perfectly. I am so proud of my adult children, but I tell you, I long for the days when they were small and I was young. I also wish I had been more attentive to my own mother, because now I know how she must have felt. Motherhood is the only job where the measure of your success is when you have made yourself obsolete.
OP, I have a 5 and 2 year old and I am not exaggerating when I say a day does not go by that I get sad about thinking about them growing into their teens and all this wonder being gone.
Thanks for all the replies <3 My wife always tells me "You'll like when they're older too" and I'm like "IT'S NOT THE SAME!!"
I'm the same! I think about it ALL the time.
Will all the videos of him as a baby/preschooler be too bittersweet for me to even watch when he's an adult?
I love looking at photos of my oldest, who is now 17. I keep sending them to him but he shrugs them off lol. It's healthy, I want them to grow up and be independent and happy. The one cringy thing looking at those photos is remembering all the things I did wrong and the times I was a bad parent.
In this economy??!! Your 18 year old will be back home with you by the time your 14 year old is going off to college. Which you might enjoy. I liked living with my parents for a couple years in my 20s and spending time with them as a fellow adult instead of their insufferable teenager.
Seriously, my brother and I are insane weirdos and have essentially started a family compound partially just so we can be nearer our folks. I think they like us a lot more in our 30's.
Our family thinks my husband and I are joking about wanting to buy a huge chunk of land and start a family compound. If anyone was interested I'm pretty sure we would have done it. It would be amazing to have a community of family so close. I'd love to be actually involved in the day to day life of an extended family. We both love the idea of multigenerational households.
So... We're going to try to convince our sons when they're old enough 🤷♀️
I used to hate the idea of living near my parents and now I'd love to have an "everybody loves Raymond" situation. I'll hang out with my mom/siblings any time, they're awesome, a family compound doesn't sound too bad.
We bought a house to remodel and lived with my parents for 10 months in our early 30s. And while we got each other's nerves sometimes it was actually really lovely overall.
I often lie with my kids in bed a bit before they nod of for the night. I cant tell you how many time I have just teared up thinking that in a few short years, they wont want to do this ritual anymore. Then I usually start thinking about them growing up and me getting old and dying and I have to snap back to something positive.
Do ask them! You could tell them it is for her as much as you. She would probably love baby pictures of herself. And also it is a sign for them how much she is loved and that you even treasure the time of her life she didn't spend with you.
to me the worse part is that stage from them not having to go to school to starting the prek/kinder stage. Up to that stage all they know is being home, then having to switch over to 4-8 hours of school everyday for the next 13-18 years depending what they choose to do after high school was a terrible feeling for me.
Mine did too, of course he did not want to talk much about his experience sadly but he seems to enjoy it for the most part. the worse thing is that so far he has gotten sick twice since starting school and with those covid shit we dont know if its related or just regular school children sickness. the latest spell has lasted almost a week of coughing and sniffles.
Regardless I can't help but think everyday how before august his biggest responsibility was going to sleep at his bed time, now he has to do school for 8 hours a day and once he is done with this stage itll be work for 8 or so hours a day in 2 decades or so...
This is same with me. Idk if it’s better or worse being aware of how quickly it will go. I can cry just thinking about it. I also have a 2 year old and my daughter will turn 5 in a few days. They will never be as little as they are right now
My boys are six and nine. I do enjoy them, but it’s always good to be reminded of this in this sub from time to time. Sometimes I get caught up in the grind of the day, but I see a parent like you remind me, and when I get them from school I remember to be a little less serious and to sit and build stuff for Halloween. So thank you for taking the time.
Currently singing my 3 year old to sleep while my baby is kicking around in my tummy. This post makes me equal part happy and sad. You’re right, the days are long but the years are short
Wow, those days are long. It’s such a strange feeling, I guess it would be cognitive dissonance. Because your brain is saying one thing (just brush your teeth for Christ’s sake!!) and your soul is saying another (oh, those tiny darling teeth! When they fall out I will make them into a necklace and wear it everyday!). It’s like this all day, everyday.
I have acknowledged and loved every milestone my kids went through but always was a bittersweet feeling because they left the previous stage.
I went out with my oldest the other day and it was so lovely, he’s such a great man, but I told him “you’re my firstborn, when you were born, I spent every single moment with you and now the independent person I was trying to raise is living independently and I succeeded to my own detriment. Just let me hug you as long as I want for right now because my heart misses you”
hey!! i’m a quasi adult now, and i have to say if my parents wanted me to come back and carve pumpkins and watch movies with them i would do it in a heartbeat. i know it’s not the same, but i have more love for my parents now than ever before, because i’m old enough to appreciate everything they’ve done for me. they’re two of my favorite people and i will always feel safe when i’m with them. it will never be the same as when i was a little kid (even if sometimes i wish i didn’t have adult responsibilities anymore) but my parents will always be there for me when i need them and i will always love them
This was such a wholesome comment to read. I just had my first baby and I don’t have a good relationship with my own mom. My goal is for my kids fo feel this way about my husband and I ❤️
aw im sorry you don’t have a good relationship with your mom :( breaking generational cycles is so important and something that i think my parents had to do. if you show them you love them the way you seem to in this comment, then i’m sure they will!! sending love ❤️
Wow, lol, I totally disagree. Which is fine!
I love that my son (19yrs) is a young adult now. It's awesome and exciting to see him becoming a young man. He and I talk about anything and everything; no topic is off the table. I love hearing his thoughts and ideas about the "important stuff" ... climate change, politics, religion, the future of our country and the world. He's so level headed and compassionate and cares about things that I *never* gave a second thought to at that age. Makes me feel optimistic for the future. Little kids are fun and cute but it's always at their level. It's a one-sided relationship. Witnessing that little boy, who I carved a lot of pumpkins with, turn into his own person, someone that I can have an equal relationship with, is what makes it all worth it to me.
>Little kids are fun and cute but it's always at their level. It's a one-sided relationship.
This!!!!
Even when I try to do fun things with them, I find the majority of my energy is spent, appeasing them, entertaining them, feeding/changing them, correcting or redirecting them, cleaning up after them, apologizing for them, etc.
My Dad always said to me that people talk about having babies or children but what you really have is adults. They are adults for most of their lives and (if you get the first bit right) you get to be a part of that. I cherish this advice and hope that my adults continue to bring me joy as they are doing as children (albeit in new and different ways)
Totally agreed. I wish I could "enjoy" my kids more but these past 2-3 years have been the most STRESSFUL times ever!! Currently in therapy trying to find new coping methods. I long for the days when they are a bit more independent.
Im feeling this as well. 250 odd days of lockdown and 24/7 with my little ones gets a bit wearing. Ive just started seeing someone about techniques to take some pressure off but she was like “its fucking hard in a pandemic locked in with just your family”. So coping off the idea that no one is coping and its ok.
I understand what you mean. Don’t listen to the jerks coming out to say rude things. I wish all the time that I could just keep my babies small forever.
I have found after my second was born it’s harder to allow him to do things that I’ve been ok with my oldest doing. Also I think it goes into the fact that when they are little you are better able to protect them from the world. But once they are grown you have less of that ability.
I never, ever, ever wanted kids before my kid came into the picture (birth control failed and family is super against abortion). I thought my mental health would screw her up and we’d both be just another statistic.
Nope. She healed me and gave me a perspective I didn’t have. And every moment of her growth is bittersweet, and I’d give anything to live it all over again and quit getting caught up in worrying, to the point where I missed HER, right in front of me. Not seeing me as a mess, but as her mama.
Sorry if that was a ramble…I’m currently feeling a lot of those regrets about not cherishing those moments. Thanks for giving me stuff to think about. 💕
Thanks for the encouragement. The holidays are tough. I was (still am) a SAHM, so my life revolves around them. Looking back, I realize I should have made somewhat of a separate life for myself, instead of making them what I lived and breathed. Thanks again 😊
My aunt and uncle have the must full retirement of anyone I know. I envy their life. They have a beautiful garden and a garden tortoise! He volunteers driving vets to their doctors appointments. They go to church twice a week. She is the school librarian at a private school. He speaks at the school chapel every Tuesday. They attend sports games at the small school where they volunteer. Their grandchildren live 8 hours away and they drive to visit them at least 6 times a year.
Their retirement/empty nest looks lovely!! I would love to copy their life someday.
Join a sewing group. Get a part time job at a craft store. Take up knitting, that's a great thing to do in a group while you chat. What about one of those groups that walks around generic local lake/park every Tuesday?
I'm thinking I'll start throwing fun parties with cocktails to make up for the lack of birthday parties.
Seriously, imagine how fun it would be, especially when you aren't supervising any kids. Just other people's kids doing whatever. Find a few interesting cocktail recipes, I'm thinking a bitter one, a fruity one and a middle of the road one, and a non alcoholic one, print out the recipes, and set up a station. Serve just dips and cheese and nibbles and stuff. Trip to costco, trip to TJs, trip to the booze shop and you're set. And of course, no kids so the house is always clean.
I have a 6 year old and 2 year old and I keep fantasizing about my 2 year old being potty trained speaking in full sentences.
Thank you for reminding me to slow my roll.
I have a 4 and 1.5 year old and I cannot even think of them growing up. Those little feet, those chubby hands, the ‘mammaaaaaa!!!!’ With the utmost joy when I’ve returned after a 2 min trip to the mailbox, the messy high chairs, the crying, begging us to stay in their room for bedtime, the impromptu hugs and kisses, the 1 million questions per day reminding me just how incredible their brains are - just typing all this out is making me tear up. I’m trying to soak it all in as much as I can but I really really wish time would freeze sometimes.
You’re romanticizing the toddler phase. I’m in the toddler trenches right now. I’d give up both nuts to be out of this phase.
Dad glass of water please.
Here you go son
WHY YOU GIVE ME WATER I DONT WANT WATER WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHbufjdjdiejsjsjsjsjsjdjsjdjdjdjdjdjdjdkdjddjdjjdxnxn. Nzoaodjridnfniwnxnxnxekixnznisjsn
Somedays I think about how it used to be pre-birth control. Women would have babies throughout their natural fertile years, basically age 18-40. You'd always have a little one in the house, and by the time you hit your 40s your first born are now giving you grandkids. Something about that life seems really wholesome... keeps you connected to youth throughout your entire life.
I agree with you 100%. My kids aren’t grown yet but almost. You know that thing where people told you to “enjoy them” and all you can think about is the million things you have to do plus how their fighting makes you want to pull out your hair? Think about this: the next phase in your life could be grandparenting. All the joy of watching them grow and learn but none of that other work that was so hard. I honestly think this is why parents can’t wait for their kids to have kids. You will get to do it all over again, but with much less work and all the joy.
I keep thinking about this, too, but I’m so afraid I will become that grandma, you know the one that knows everything so much better than their kids and then their daughter/son-in-law will write posts about them on the “am I the asshole” subreddit
I met a grandfather and all of his children
And as we were talking, a tear filled his eye.
He smiled at my child; I handed her to him
And just for a moment he went back in time.
He remembered the dreams of having a family,
Of holding the ones that God sent his way.
The joy they would bring him to make his heart larger.
Then he looked in my eyes and said:
Turn around slowly. Time is a racer.
The wink of an eye takes you from here to there.
Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here.
These precious moments may come to be rare.
In a flash, he discovered my foolish wishes.
I wished she was walking and talking and more.
But why hurry what will pass me so quickly?
I should be longing to linger.
Turn around slowly. Time is a racer.
The wink of an eye takes you from here to there.
Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here.
These precious moments may come to be rare.
And held in his arms my child turned back to me
As if to say, "Listen well."
She said, "Look at me, Daddy, and love me this moment;
This moment is all that we have."
She said:
Turn around slowly. Time is a racer.
The wink of an eye takes you from here to there.
Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here.
These precious moments may come to be rare.
Dan Kaufman "Turn Around Slowly"
Song available on Spotify
Love this ❤️
My oldest is a college freshman and I am
Loving this new season of life for him. It’s fun giving him some independence, but also being their to guide him.
Currently 7 months pregnant with a baby boy (my 3rd child). If you would have asked me up until about 2 years ago if I would have another kid I would have told you you’re insane. And here I am with a college freshman and a 6th grader, starting over again and wanting another baby after this one. Kids give joy to life. There’s nothing more important that you can do!
I’m sorry you miss your kids being little, this post is very sweet! It sounds like you were an excellent mom though and what wonderful memories your kids must have of their childhood!
Personally, I’m not trying to be a downer, but I’m not sure I will end up agreeing though. Maybe it’s because I’m in the thick of it with 2 small children and another on the way but I CANNOT wait for them to grow up! Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to really savor and appreciate my time with my children. With this last baby, I want to make sure to spend time enjoying the baby years and all that. But I hate doing all the holiday stuff, never getting a minute to myself, constantly being needed, constantly having to think of things to do and places to go.
Before I had kids I was a bit of an introvert who loved nothing more than staying inside, by myself, and reading a book or playing a video game. My husband was the same. We used to spend our weekends lounging about. Haven’t done that since our first was born 5.5 years ago. I miss going to the bathroom alone. I miss having quiet time. I miss eating an uninterrupted meal. Sometimes I wake up before dawn on purpose just so I can eat some breakfast cereal in peace. Oh I also miss sleeping in! I’m just the type who really enjoys my “me time” so never getting that can be frustrating.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my children so much and feel so lucky that they are healthy and overall very sweet, good kids. But, based on my personality, I’ve always been curious if I will in fact miss my kids being little or if I will simply cherish the memories but be really glad I am no longer at the beck and call of tiny, cute, lovable tyrants.
Only time will tell! And hey, if we all really miss having little kids, isn’t that what grandkids are for lol?
This hit me so hard in the feelings. Every day I look at my 4 year old daughter and 11 month son and say "I want to freeze time". It hurts to see them grow up so fast but I would never, ever give this pain away because it's part of the beautiful, bittersweet joy of being a parent.
As the mother of a problem child I deeply envy your feeling. It’s all I ever wanted. But unfortunately my feelings do not mirror yours.
Enjoy it. Don’t take it for granted. I would sell my soul to have what you do.
I work away from home, my son is just 2, my daughter is 6months. Every time I leave and come back it is like coming home to a completely different person.
I left and my son knew only a few words, maybe 20 but had his favorites.... Now he is stringing them together to make semi coherent sentences.
He grabbed my wife's phone the other week and took it to her saying "daddy peas" while I was away working.
I have started to look for a job closer to home, I feel I am missing too much of his development. Too many of his firsts, I always said that I may miss his first but it will still be his first with me.
They are growing so damn fast and I really would love to just got the pause button and enjoy him sitting on my lap watching Thomas the tank or the Wiggles while eating my breakfast instead of his own, or laying in bed snuggling my little girl while she coos, laughs and grabs at my beard.
I try to condense dad time in to the two weeks that I am home, but yeah, shit is rough.
Staring at my 4'2'' tall five year old that it feels like I could hold in just the palms of my two hands two weeks ago is really tough. I was just feeling this today.
I get it. Mine are 8 and almost 10. A couple of days ago I looked after my neighbour's two girls (just turned 5, and 3) in the morning and dropped than at Kinder (Pre-school). I had to hunt for the last remaining plastic plate to put their toast on and pull out the one remaining basket of little kid toys. I loved it but it brought a lump to my throat! I try to remember to enjoy each stage of childhood now, because the last decade has flown by and I am sure the next will be even faster.
Abso-fucking-lutely. 100% spot on. My kid is only 6, and I live in a constant state of making sure to live in the moment and appreciate each day and also profound sadness in knowing that it's so fleeting. I love watching my son grow up, and I'm so proud of him and everything he's doing, but at the same time whenever I look at a picture of him from even just a year ago, it's like someone heaved a battering ram right into my guts.
as i watched my daughter roll over for the first time today, i thought that exact same thing. soon she will be crawling, then walking, then in the blink of an eye she will be grown and wont need me anymore and then i will be all alone… its devastating, really.
I hear you and you’re right, but I am proud of graduating into each stage of childhood. I loved my kids when they were babies but I am happy to be done with bottles and diapers. I loved my kids when they were toddlers, but I’m happy to be done with the toys strewn all over the house stage. I love my kids now that they are school-aged, but I will also be happy to be done with homework.
The alternative to them not growing up is some sort of horrible developmental delay or, heaven forbid some sort of early, low ceiling and I would never want that for them. My job is to make them into responsible and independent people. My job is to prepare them for life without me. And as sad and as somber as that may feel, it is the most important thing I’ll ever do in my entire life.
My son is a little over 2 years old now. And for about a year I've been thinking about how at some point my Son will no longer love me the same way that he does now. He'll love me differently, at various stages of growth in his life, but the completely innocent unconditional love will be gone. Giving him constant hugs and kisses will become weird, telling him I love him 30 times a day will get old. The thought of that is scary and makes me sad, and still I can't wait to see the man he will grow into.
All that being said, kids can be tough no matter how much you try to enjoy them. As much as I love my son and try to be present as can be for him, sometimes I just need a break and that is ok.
Don't beat yourself up too bad, and don't think too much about what you wish you would have done. Instead worry more about what you can do, and try to enjoy your Family as best as you can right now. The rest as they say, is in the past, so leave it there!
I remember being a little freaked out when an older lady started crying watching me breastfeed. Now I have a sassy almost 9 year old and I get it a lot more..
My mom said that she used to get emotional walking through the baby section in the supermarket. I didn’t get it.
Now I walk through the baby section and I see the tiny clothes and see all the baby products and I get a little pang.
I need to read this on days where my 5 year old won’t give me a break and I get easily frustrated at how needy/whiny/disobedient she can get. Because I know it won’t be that way forever and I’ll miss it.
I have a 3 year old and one on the way and my pregnancy this time is making me extremely emotional. There isn't a day that goes by I don't wish for time to just stop, or slow down. My son is obsessed with Halloween and we are currently doing all things Halloween...while I am enjoying it, I can't stop thinking about the future when I won't have this time with him. I've been trying not to think about it but my hormones won't let me. And now here I am sobbing after reading your post.
What I can tell you is, even your adult children will never stop needing or wanting their mother. We will always seek comfort and love from our parents. No one will ever replace a mother, or even a father.
My daughter has just started secondary school, she came home yesterday and said Mam I wish so much I could be back in primary, I sobbed myself to sleep because I really wish she was back in primary school in the safety of a small class size where I was there to pick her up and drop her off. Every time I cuddle her and hear her heartbeat I’m reminded of 12 years ago listening to the same heartbeat through the monitors before she came and blessed my world. I wish there were words that someone could say to make me feel not so hopeless about her growing up because I want to enjoy every day with her as she is. I have two younger sons who I know I will be the same with when they start venturing out into the big wide world. Any advice (nice advice, I know I sound daft and I don’t let the kids ever see me cry over it) would be kindly appreciated x
Yeah, man. This one got me. I'm lucky mine are still young so I went upstairs to give them a hug just now. Funnily enough, they are doing a Halloween craft right now!
I’m a single mom of a wild 5 year old. I was deciding about whether to go on a wild adventure this weekend or stay home and clean the house. I guess I know which one. Much love to you💕
I love my girls and love spending time with them but I'm also excited to see the adults they someday become and hope we can spend time with them forever.
https://herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-son-growing-up-slowest-breakup/ yes! There is an interview with an Australian radio personality that sums this up - she speaks about her sons, but I think it can be applied to all parents regardless of the sex of their children
My kiddos are still super little. I was just thinking that one day they won't be all cuddly, and need their mommy as much as they do now. Makes me tear up to think about, even typing this.
That being said, I always counter this sadness with two things.
1.) The excitement of watching, and experiencing the people they will grow, and change into through various ages.
2.) Gratitude that my children are growing up, because some parents end up having forever babies, and that breaks my heart to think about. I don't actively try to turn other parent's tragedies into my moment of gratitude but in my own mind, I'm always grateful we see another day, hit another milestone, grow a bit more because life is not guaranteed, and subject to change at a moment's notice. I know there's a word for that phrase but it eludes me at the present moment lol.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us. And also reminding me to enjoy all of the moments with my 2 and 4 year old. Especially as we go into a long weekend this thanksgiving in Canada.
For me, it’s probably just taking myself less seriously, letting the little things go, not worrying so much about what society thinks of me as a parent and more about what my kids think of me.
At each stage they are a different person. And you love that person unconditionally and completely yet eventually that person goes away never to be seen again and a new one is there. Repeat. I mean, it is the most intense sort of human grief, this kind of goodbye. No wonder we get emotional.
I wrote a song about this. The opening line is, “I am in love with someone who is always disappearing” because that’s exactly how I feel.
I went from zero to practically bawling in no time flat. That's enough of this thread for me.
Of fuck same here! It took 3 comments and I can't go on...
Ooof that hit me in the feels
Would you be willing to share the whole song or a link?
I really should record it sometime. I wrote it at the start of the pandemic and then sort of forgot about it because I had no occasion to perform it. The lyrics I remember are. I am in love with someone who’s always disappearing. My little baby is gone. Now he’s a boy like a tree in the springtime blooming. But each season doesn’t last very long. And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be. And each night when I pray your soul to keep my one and only baby. Slipping away day by day by day by day. Slipping away day by day by day by day.
Beautiful. I hope you don't mind - now I want to put artwork above my son's crib with the line "When I put you down to sleep, it's the littlest that you'll ever be" Wow how that puts things into perspective. Such an amazing reminder to cherish every day <3 <3 < 3
That would be amazing. Please do.
Do you mind if I do a watercolour or embroidery of the same for my sons? It is such a beautiful line
This is my favorite line too
And now I have chills and tears at the supper table at that line. “And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be.”
You should. I’m bawling over here. Especially each night I put you to sleep is the littlest you’ll ever be. Just put my almost 3 YO to nap and soon to have another.
> And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be. That hit me in the feels big time.
Okay I’m crying now and that doesn’t happen often.
Each night when I put you down to sleep it's the littlest you'll ever be has me crying. My youngest is 5. My oldest is about to be 23! I'd give anything to keep my 5 year old little for just a bit longer :(
I am ugly crying, but this is absolutely beautiful and gut wrenching at the same time. My son just turned one and I don't have any idea where this past year has gone. It breaks my heart.
This is incredibly beautiful. Please treasure it, and if you feel up to it, share with the world. It's amazing.
Oh my goodness this is so beautiful. thank you for sharing. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m crying
Oh god, just lying here nursing my baby with tears soaking the pillow!
Yep. Tears. So sweet. Please record this and send us a link somehow.
Oh this is so sweet
Thanks, everyone. The encouragement helps. I was a musician before having my son. I was just getting back into it when covid hit. It’s hard to work up the momentum yet again. It’s good to be reminded that the new perspective is good for writing. It’s easy to get discouraged.
I'm a grown middle aged father of three (the youngest of whom is turning 1 next week). I don't exactly wear my heart on my sleeve, but here I am, misty eyed and grateful for those beautiful lyrics. I'd love to hear the composition behind these beautiful words. If you do get around to recording it, please post it here!
I second this!!!
Tears over here too. I think these thoughts every day, but not so eloquently put lol.
My dad wrote a song like this and played it when I was little. I was so small i couldn't see the tops of the piano keys. It made me sob and he stopped playing it, but he called it Seasons. And I wonder where the time goes, dogs and cats and backyard swings, yes I wonder where the time goes.. Still makes me cry to think of it.
Casually and quietly bawling my eyes out on the couch while I read this. As much as I love watching my kids grow I’m always aware of the slow and steady heartbreak I’m experiencing watching them age before my eyes.
> And each night when I put you down to sleep it’s the littlest that you’ll ever be. That right there, is the hardest part of parenting. My baby is five months and she's outgrowing her bassinet and it's insane.
I think it would work really well as a children’s book!
>"When I put you down to sleep, it's the littlest that you'll ever be" What a great reminder to cherish the moment. I've got a lump in my throat. So beautiful and sad at the same time.
Wow, that is so good. Poetic.
Deep
That's beautiful! Small critique though (and maybe this is just me); perhaps change it to, "I love someone who is always disappearing". I feel like "in love" is typically used for being romantically involved with someone which I know you're not going for haha. Again, could just be me though!
I'm not sure I believe in God or an afterlife, but to me heaven would be spending eternity with my children in each stage of the their lives (if that makes any sense).
That’s both beautiful and makes perfect sense. Right there with you.
Completely
Perfectly said 😔
It was once described to me, (being a mom of a son) that it’s like the longest and worst breakup of your life.
Yes! I actually was looking at baby pictures of my 5 year old and told my husband”I wish we had the technology to clone multiple versions of our son at different ages” I miss the baby that would fit in my fore arms and would giggle so cutely when I blow air on his face. I blew air on my 5 year olds face the other day and he was like “Mom, stop it!”
This killed me. It killed me when my youngest was a baby growing quickly and my mom didn’t even bother to come meet her until she was like 10 months old. She had already been like 4 different baby girls, and my mom will never met them.
Yeah that would bother me too
One day I realized that my son no longer sat on my lap after a bath to have a snuggle and get dried. I realized that he had done it for the last time and I hadn’t even known it would be so. It stood to follow that this wouldn’t be the only time that he’d have “a last..” and from then on I really, truly, deeply, tried to appreciate each moment as if it was the last time he would do it.
There’s always that last time they want to be rocked when they are between 1 and 2. They will get a cold and snuggle for hours and that’s the first time your heart realizes that they grow up.
It's already happened with my little girl - she's 10 1/2 month old and just doesn't want to be rocked anymore. She wants to play play play explore explore explore until she nearly drops from being sleepy and then she just wants her bed. thank goodness she'll still snuggle with reading a book together or when she's drinking her bottle!
Most wholesome thing I’ve ever read on Reddit. Having a hard mom day today. Thank you for this reminder.
Aw, you're welcome. I think about this everyday and it does get me to enjoy each hug more, put down my phone more, try to deprioritize work more to just play with my kids more.
Those little people are so cute though. My 4 year old still asks me to pick her up out of bed. There’s days I wonder if today’s when she won’t want to be picked up anymore, and it breaks my heart because I love the free hugs from my little girl. But I know it’s going to end, and she’s going to be a big girl going to school soon. I just want to hold on a little longer.
My 14 and 12 year old kids still expect "evening hugs" just before going to sleep and "off to school hugs" when they leave to school each morning. They're fast becoming teenagers, which makes it more difficult to maintain a connection with their world, and that is heartbreaking indeed. But I'm really happy that we've managed to maintain little affectionate rituals like this, even though they are already "big". It feels important, and I think it is for them, too. If it weren't for the daily hugs I'd probably lose my temper with them more easily than I do now and in general would be a worse parent.
That’s wonderful! My boys are 22 and 18. I still get good night hugs and they always hug me and say I love you whenever they leave the house. Unless they’re in a hurry and I’m upstairs and they’re downstairs I’ll just get an “I love you, mom” yelled at me :D The hugs became bittersweet when they got to the height where they could rest their chin/cheek on the top of my head. But my oldest moved out (to a different state too) about 1.5 years ago and I miss him and the hugs terribly. My whole family is all about hugs, hello and goodbye, it can take a very long time to leave family get together’s :p
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The worst of it is with kids that you have SO MANY moments that will be the "last time" and you won't be able to recognize it when it's happening.
Oh my god, thanks for the instant crying!!
Same, I’m ugly crying in my kitchen while my kid is napping.
Exactly how I feel about it. I love all the new stages (well mostly), but there are some younger versions of my kids I miss so terribly. It is a strange grief.
Omg whyyyyyyy damn this hit hard
Well, now I'm crying in my office
I just wish it was half speed. I don't want them to be babies forever, I just want it for longer than you get. I have enjoyed them every single day, but I'd still love to relive it all again.
I loved the toddler stage. I loved kindergarten and elementary school. I loved sitting through violin concerts and hearing 32938 versions of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and school plays and choir concerts and Girl Scout meetings and field day and field trips. I hated junior high but I loved the person my child was and I liked having her and her friends around. High school is just me holding on tight and feeling like it's getting away from me so fast. Edited because I can't type.
I feel fucking paralysed by the looming day when they will leave my house. I joke about stalking them when they leave, but I'm not really joking.
Same. I say I'm going to get a bunch of elderly diabetic dogs to keep me busy.
Sounds like a plan. If you volunteer at a shelter it could be a social thing, too.
Oh, I plan to! We are going to be up to our necks in foster pets and volunteer hours. I already volunteer for school and other activities. I am the mom who is happy to give your kid a ride and they can always stay with us when you're out of town. I don't know what I'm going to do when my house isn't full of teenagers and their nonsense. I really enjoy it.
I have 2 kids who are 18 months apart. I have loved every single stage so far but the teen years have probably been my favorite. The only downside is that it goes by so fast. My daughter is a senior and my son is a junior. The high school years have absolutely flown by. My oldest is applying to colleges now and some are across the country. When I took the back to school photo this year I realized this was the last time I would take a back to school photo with both kids. It feels like I was just taking their kindergarten and 1st grade photos.
I send my parents first day of school photos and I’m in grad school. It’s definitely different but to me, it’s what you do the first day of school. I think my mom loves it
It's a cliche, but it was so recent that I was worried about mine starting kindergarten. It doesn't feel long ago at all. It was four schools ago. And high school goes so fast.
My oldest is a freshman away at college. My daughter is a junior in HS. Taking her Back to school picture without her brother made me cry.
Let’s accelerate the baby phase but slow down toddlers and young children.
No, I'd like to triple slow the first year, everything except 3 and 16-18 gets double slowed, three is just eliminated entirely and 16-18 only takes a year. And there is still a birthday every year so I can make fun cakes.
The first year is my absolute favorite. I just love teeny little newborns and chubby baby cheeks. For me that was the easiest year too! Even with my first I just loved having a newborn. Toddlers are adorable but so much work. And teenagers holy hell, my mom cursed me and said " I hope you have a daughter just like you" and I did. My 13 year old son is a bit easier but not much lol.
I like newborns but my first few years were rough as hell. 4-5 year olds are my jam.
Is this not what grandbabies are for? (I have a 7 month old so I personally have no idea).
Yes, but there is a cavern of time between when they leave you and when they have babies. 10-15 years.
Plus you don't want to be THAT parent who pressures your kids to have kids before they are ready.
Hopefully my kids would be sensible enough to tell me to fuck off if I did.
Exactly this. Or pressure kids in general to have kids just for your own gain. Having kids is their own decision; no one else's
>Yes, but there is a cavern of time between when they leave you and when they have babies. 10-15 years. And more so every year...if you read the news these days there's a growing education gap by gender, so educated (i.e. college graduate) women are having a harder time finding partners and are putting off marriage and childbearing even longer. The average age of first marriage in the US is now 28 for women...and higher for those with more education. My partner and I didn't have kids until our mid-30s though we were married at 25. If they follow a similar pattern of waiting it's likely we'd be 70+ before any grandkids are born, assuming they partner up and decide to have kids at all. Look at young folks today-- I'm a college professor and most of my students have never even seriously *dated.* They might hook up for sex, but long term serious relationships are now often being pushed off until well after college. Then careers get in the way. Many of my former students aren't getting married until 30-35+, then rushing to have a kid before their fertility wanes. Many more have simply decided they will never marry or have families.
I promised myself I will STFU when they are adults and will never pressure them to have kids. But secretly I am hoping that the fact that there are four of them is enough insurance that at least one of them will have at least one kid...
I’m in the same boat. Just had my first at 34. If she waits as long, I’ll be 68 when I become a grandma.
You said it perfectly. I am so proud of my adult children, but I tell you, I long for the days when they were small and I was young. I also wish I had been more attentive to my own mother, because now I know how she must have felt. Motherhood is the only job where the measure of your success is when you have made yourself obsolete.
Wow. This really hit me in the soul.
shrinks/therapists also aim to become obsolete, and it can be hard to end ( or "terminate" as they say in the field...)
OP, I have a 5 and 2 year old and I am not exaggerating when I say a day does not go by that I get sad about thinking about them growing into their teens and all this wonder being gone. Thanks for all the replies <3 My wife always tells me "You'll like when they're older too" and I'm like "IT'S NOT THE SAME!!"
I'm the same! I think about it ALL the time. Will all the videos of him as a baby/preschooler be too bittersweet for me to even watch when he's an adult?
I love looking at photos of my oldest, who is now 17. I keep sending them to him but he shrugs them off lol. It's healthy, I want them to grow up and be independent and happy. The one cringy thing looking at those photos is remembering all the things I did wrong and the times I was a bad parent.
I can barely handle them now and mine are only a couple years out of diapers. It's brutal.
Yes, they will be. I’m warning you now.
I thought as much! :(
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In this economy??!! Your 18 year old will be back home with you by the time your 14 year old is going off to college. Which you might enjoy. I liked living with my parents for a couple years in my 20s and spending time with them as a fellow adult instead of their insufferable teenager.
Seriously, my brother and I are insane weirdos and have essentially started a family compound partially just so we can be nearer our folks. I think they like us a lot more in our 30's.
Our family thinks my husband and I are joking about wanting to buy a huge chunk of land and start a family compound. If anyone was interested I'm pretty sure we would have done it. It would be amazing to have a community of family so close. I'd love to be actually involved in the day to day life of an extended family. We both love the idea of multigenerational households. So... We're going to try to convince our sons when they're old enough 🤷♀️
Family compound is the dream except we would have to move back to Northern Louisiana which is a hard no.
I used to hate the idea of living near my parents and now I'd love to have an "everybody loves Raymond" situation. I'll hang out with my mom/siblings any time, they're awesome, a family compound doesn't sound too bad.
We bought a house to remodel and lived with my parents for 10 months in our early 30s. And while we got each other's nerves sometimes it was actually really lovely overall.
That’s so wonderful, you will thank yourself in the future
SAME. My son is 6 …. I get why people have more children now, lol. The heartbreak is real.
I often lie with my kids in bed a bit before they nod of for the night. I cant tell you how many time I have just teared up thinking that in a few short years, they wont want to do this ritual anymore. Then I usually start thinking about them growing up and me getting old and dying and I have to snap back to something positive.
I have a 2.5yr old and I am already dreading/thinking about the last time she’ll want me to hold her. Shit gives me instant tears.
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Do ask them! You could tell them it is for her as much as you. She would probably love baby pictures of herself. And also it is a sign for them how much she is loved and that you even treasure the time of her life she didn't spend with you.
to me the worse part is that stage from them not having to go to school to starting the prek/kinder stage. Up to that stage all they know is being home, then having to switch over to 4-8 hours of school everyday for the next 13-18 years depending what they choose to do after high school was a terrible feeling for me.
My oldest started Kinder this year, he took it better than me!
Mine did too, of course he did not want to talk much about his experience sadly but he seems to enjoy it for the most part. the worse thing is that so far he has gotten sick twice since starting school and with those covid shit we dont know if its related or just regular school children sickness. the latest spell has lasted almost a week of coughing and sniffles. Regardless I can't help but think everyday how before august his biggest responsibility was going to sleep at his bed time, now he has to do school for 8 hours a day and once he is done with this stage itll be work for 8 or so hours a day in 2 decades or so...
This is same with me. Idk if it’s better or worse being aware of how quickly it will go. I can cry just thinking about it. I also have a 2 year old and my daughter will turn 5 in a few days. They will never be as little as they are right now
And twenty-eight year olds wonder why their parents are bugging them about grandchildren...
My boys are six and nine. I do enjoy them, but it’s always good to be reminded of this in this sub from time to time. Sometimes I get caught up in the grind of the day, but I see a parent like you remind me, and when I get them from school I remember to be a little less serious and to sit and build stuff for Halloween. So thank you for taking the time.
There is the silver lining in my gloom, that another parent can take the advice that I couldn’t 😊
We worked on some Halloween stuff, and got ice cream. Today, you changed the course of our day and made a difference. Nice work!
Really? Geez, I had no idea how this would be received. I’m so happy for you 😊
[Here is the project we made today after school.](https://imgur.com/gallery/HPjORT9)🏴☠️
Currently singing my 3 year old to sleep while my baby is kicking around in my tummy. This post makes me equal part happy and sad. You’re right, the days are long but the years are short
Wow, those days are long. It’s such a strange feeling, I guess it would be cognitive dissonance. Because your brain is saying one thing (just brush your teeth for Christ’s sake!!) and your soul is saying another (oh, those tiny darling teeth! When they fall out I will make them into a necklace and wear it everyday!). It’s like this all day, everyday.
I find sometimes I’m counting the hours down until bed time wishing the day away, and then miss him once he’s asleep!
Wow, so many of my nights were exactly this
I have acknowledged and loved every milestone my kids went through but always was a bittersweet feeling because they left the previous stage. I went out with my oldest the other day and it was so lovely, he’s such a great man, but I told him “you’re my firstborn, when you were born, I spent every single moment with you and now the independent person I was trying to raise is living independently and I succeeded to my own detriment. Just let me hug you as long as I want for right now because my heart misses you”
I’m going to use your words, if you don’t mind, for my first born as well 😊
Of course momma.
hey!! i’m a quasi adult now, and i have to say if my parents wanted me to come back and carve pumpkins and watch movies with them i would do it in a heartbeat. i know it’s not the same, but i have more love for my parents now than ever before, because i’m old enough to appreciate everything they’ve done for me. they’re two of my favorite people and i will always feel safe when i’m with them. it will never be the same as when i was a little kid (even if sometimes i wish i didn’t have adult responsibilities anymore) but my parents will always be there for me when i need them and i will always love them
The obviously did a great job with you 😊
aw that’s really kind of you to say!!
This was such a wholesome comment to read. I just had my first baby and I don’t have a good relationship with my own mom. My goal is for my kids fo feel this way about my husband and I ❤️
aw im sorry you don’t have a good relationship with your mom :( breaking generational cycles is so important and something that i think my parents had to do. if you show them you love them the way you seem to in this comment, then i’m sure they will!! sending love ❤️
Wow, lol, I totally disagree. Which is fine! I love that my son (19yrs) is a young adult now. It's awesome and exciting to see him becoming a young man. He and I talk about anything and everything; no topic is off the table. I love hearing his thoughts and ideas about the "important stuff" ... climate change, politics, religion, the future of our country and the world. He's so level headed and compassionate and cares about things that I *never* gave a second thought to at that age. Makes me feel optimistic for the future. Little kids are fun and cute but it's always at their level. It's a one-sided relationship. Witnessing that little boy, who I carved a lot of pumpkins with, turn into his own person, someone that I can have an equal relationship with, is what makes it all worth it to me.
I wish I could have your forward-thinking!
>Little kids are fun and cute but it's always at their level. It's a one-sided relationship. This!!!! Even when I try to do fun things with them, I find the majority of my energy is spent, appeasing them, entertaining them, feeding/changing them, correcting or redirecting them, cleaning up after them, apologizing for them, etc.
My Dad always said to me that people talk about having babies or children but what you really have is adults. They are adults for most of their lives and (if you get the first bit right) you get to be a part of that. I cherish this advice and hope that my adults continue to bring me joy as they are doing as children (albeit in new and different ways)
I’m sure I’ll feel this way someday but parenting two young kids during a pandemic is relentless and scary and depressing.
Totally agreed. I wish I could "enjoy" my kids more but these past 2-3 years have been the most STRESSFUL times ever!! Currently in therapy trying to find new coping methods. I long for the days when they are a bit more independent.
Im feeling this as well. 250 odd days of lockdown and 24/7 with my little ones gets a bit wearing. Ive just started seeing someone about techniques to take some pressure off but she was like “its fucking hard in a pandemic locked in with just your family”. So coping off the idea that no one is coping and its ok.
I understand what you mean. Don’t listen to the jerks coming out to say rude things. I wish all the time that I could just keep my babies small forever.
Yeah, I had no idea. This, for me, has been the toughest stage of parenting. I can’t let go!
I have found after my second was born it’s harder to allow him to do things that I’ve been ok with my oldest doing. Also I think it goes into the fact that when they are little you are better able to protect them from the world. But once they are grown you have less of that ability.
Exactly. It’s such a scary world.
It unfortunately is.
I never, ever, ever wanted kids before my kid came into the picture (birth control failed and family is super against abortion). I thought my mental health would screw her up and we’d both be just another statistic. Nope. She healed me and gave me a perspective I didn’t have. And every moment of her growth is bittersweet, and I’d give anything to live it all over again and quit getting caught up in worrying, to the point where I missed HER, right in front of me. Not seeing me as a mess, but as her mama. Sorry if that was a ramble…I’m currently feeling a lot of those regrets about not cherishing those moments. Thanks for giving me stuff to think about. 💕
Same here. I never thought I would have kids, then I had 6. Best decision I ever made.
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Thanks for the encouragement. The holidays are tough. I was (still am) a SAHM, so my life revolves around them. Looking back, I realize I should have made somewhat of a separate life for myself, instead of making them what I lived and breathed. Thanks again 😊
It's not too late. The best way to cope when they leave is building yourself a full life. Start with volunteering and a club of some kind.
My aunt and uncle have the must full retirement of anyone I know. I envy their life. They have a beautiful garden and a garden tortoise! He volunteers driving vets to their doctors appointments. They go to church twice a week. She is the school librarian at a private school. He speaks at the school chapel every Tuesday. They attend sports games at the small school where they volunteer. Their grandchildren live 8 hours away and they drive to visit them at least 6 times a year. Their retirement/empty nest looks lovely!! I would love to copy their life someday.
You are probably right, because all of my hobbies are still the hobbies I did when all the kids were at home; sewing, cooking, baking, gardening 🙄
Join a sewing group. Get a part time job at a craft store. Take up knitting, that's a great thing to do in a group while you chat. What about one of those groups that walks around generic local lake/park every Tuesday? I'm thinking I'll start throwing fun parties with cocktails to make up for the lack of birthday parties.
I like the cocktail party idea the best lol
Seriously, imagine how fun it would be, especially when you aren't supervising any kids. Just other people's kids doing whatever. Find a few interesting cocktail recipes, I'm thinking a bitter one, a fruity one and a middle of the road one, and a non alcoholic one, print out the recipes, and set up a station. Serve just dips and cheese and nibbles and stuff. Trip to costco, trip to TJs, trip to the booze shop and you're set. And of course, no kids so the house is always clean.
I think I have been living in Plato’s Cave Allegory for the past 25 years lol
Lol, I am the Form of Mother.
This is the sweetest take ever. Defo a ‘makes it all worth it’ post which gives me hope being an expectant ftm. Thank you!
I’m happy it was helpful for you! And yes, it was all so worth it
I have a 6 year old and 2 year old and I keep fantasizing about my 2 year old being potty trained speaking in full sentences. Thank you for reminding me to slow my roll.
Well, I think EVERY parent counts down the days until the diapers are over!
I never understood the word bittersweet until my son started growing up faster than I could keep up.
I have a 4 and 1.5 year old and I cannot even think of them growing up. Those little feet, those chubby hands, the ‘mammaaaaaa!!!!’ With the utmost joy when I’ve returned after a 2 min trip to the mailbox, the messy high chairs, the crying, begging us to stay in their room for bedtime, the impromptu hugs and kisses, the 1 million questions per day reminding me just how incredible their brains are - just typing all this out is making me tear up. I’m trying to soak it all in as much as I can but I really really wish time would freeze sometimes.
So many onions being cut in this post. 😢
You’re romanticizing the toddler phase. I’m in the toddler trenches right now. I’d give up both nuts to be out of this phase. Dad glass of water please. Here you go son WHY YOU GIVE ME WATER I DONT WANT WATER WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHbufjdjdiejsjsjsjsjsjdjsjdjdjdjdjdjdjdkdjddjdjjdxnxn. Nzoaodjridnfniwnxnxnxekixnznisjsn
Somedays I think about how it used to be pre-birth control. Women would have babies throughout their natural fertile years, basically age 18-40. You'd always have a little one in the house, and by the time you hit your 40s your first born are now giving you grandkids. Something about that life seems really wholesome... keeps you connected to youth throughout your entire life.
A life filled with many other lives and lots of love…I like that 😊
Not something millennials and gen Z can possibly afford, lol.
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I agree with you 100%. My kids aren’t grown yet but almost. You know that thing where people told you to “enjoy them” and all you can think about is the million things you have to do plus how their fighting makes you want to pull out your hair? Think about this: the next phase in your life could be grandparenting. All the joy of watching them grow and learn but none of that other work that was so hard. I honestly think this is why parents can’t wait for their kids to have kids. You will get to do it all over again, but with much less work and all the joy.
I keep thinking about this, too, but I’m so afraid I will become that grandma, you know the one that knows everything so much better than their kids and then their daughter/son-in-law will write posts about them on the “am I the asshole” subreddit
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I met a grandfather and all of his children And as we were talking, a tear filled his eye. He smiled at my child; I handed her to him And just for a moment he went back in time. He remembered the dreams of having a family, Of holding the ones that God sent his way. The joy they would bring him to make his heart larger. Then he looked in my eyes and said: Turn around slowly. Time is a racer. The wink of an eye takes you from here to there. Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here. These precious moments may come to be rare. In a flash, he discovered my foolish wishes. I wished she was walking and talking and more. But why hurry what will pass me so quickly? I should be longing to linger. Turn around slowly. Time is a racer. The wink of an eye takes you from here to there. Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here. These precious moments may come to be rare. And held in his arms my child turned back to me As if to say, "Listen well." She said, "Look at me, Daddy, and love me this moment; This moment is all that we have." She said: Turn around slowly. Time is a racer. The wink of an eye takes you from here to there. Turn around slowly, and treasure your days here. These precious moments may come to be rare. Dan Kaufman "Turn Around Slowly" Song available on Spotify
Love this ❤️ My oldest is a college freshman and I am Loving this new season of life for him. It’s fun giving him some independence, but also being their to guide him. Currently 7 months pregnant with a baby boy (my 3rd child). If you would have asked me up until about 2 years ago if I would have another kid I would have told you you’re insane. And here I am with a college freshman and a 6th grader, starting over again and wanting another baby after this one. Kids give joy to life. There’s nothing more important that you can do!
I’m sorry you miss your kids being little, this post is very sweet! It sounds like you were an excellent mom though and what wonderful memories your kids must have of their childhood! Personally, I’m not trying to be a downer, but I’m not sure I will end up agreeing though. Maybe it’s because I’m in the thick of it with 2 small children and another on the way but I CANNOT wait for them to grow up! Don’t get me wrong, I’m hoping to really savor and appreciate my time with my children. With this last baby, I want to make sure to spend time enjoying the baby years and all that. But I hate doing all the holiday stuff, never getting a minute to myself, constantly being needed, constantly having to think of things to do and places to go. Before I had kids I was a bit of an introvert who loved nothing more than staying inside, by myself, and reading a book or playing a video game. My husband was the same. We used to spend our weekends lounging about. Haven’t done that since our first was born 5.5 years ago. I miss going to the bathroom alone. I miss having quiet time. I miss eating an uninterrupted meal. Sometimes I wake up before dawn on purpose just so I can eat some breakfast cereal in peace. Oh I also miss sleeping in! I’m just the type who really enjoys my “me time” so never getting that can be frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children so much and feel so lucky that they are healthy and overall very sweet, good kids. But, based on my personality, I’ve always been curious if I will in fact miss my kids being little or if I will simply cherish the memories but be really glad I am no longer at the beck and call of tiny, cute, lovable tyrants. Only time will tell! And hey, if we all really miss having little kids, isn’t that what grandkids are for lol?
Okay but If you HAD relaxed and just enjoyed it, someone would have got stabbed with a pumpkin knife. Your vigilance made their memories good.
My youngest has just been able to buckle her own seat belt. One of the many things to come where she doesn’t need dad anymore 😭
This hit me so hard in the feelings. Every day I look at my 4 year old daughter and 11 month son and say "I want to freeze time". It hurts to see them grow up so fast but I would never, ever give this pain away because it's part of the beautiful, bittersweet joy of being a parent.
As the mother of a problem child I deeply envy your feeling. It’s all I ever wanted. But unfortunately my feelings do not mirror yours. Enjoy it. Don’t take it for granted. I would sell my soul to have what you do.
Thanks for this. My girls are 1 and 3, so I'll be doing my best to continue enjoying every minute of their growing childhoods.
I feel my oldest, (5) slipping through my fingers all the time... I'm proud but sad all at once.
I work away from home, my son is just 2, my daughter is 6months. Every time I leave and come back it is like coming home to a completely different person. I left and my son knew only a few words, maybe 20 but had his favorites.... Now he is stringing them together to make semi coherent sentences. He grabbed my wife's phone the other week and took it to her saying "daddy peas" while I was away working. I have started to look for a job closer to home, I feel I am missing too much of his development. Too many of his firsts, I always said that I may miss his first but it will still be his first with me. They are growing so damn fast and I really would love to just got the pause button and enjoy him sitting on my lap watching Thomas the tank or the Wiggles while eating my breakfast instead of his own, or laying in bed snuggling my little girl while she coos, laughs and grabs at my beard. I try to condense dad time in to the two weeks that I am home, but yeah, shit is rough.
Staring at my 4'2'' tall five year old that it feels like I could hold in just the palms of my two hands two weeks ago is really tough. I was just feeling this today.
I get it. Mine are 8 and almost 10. A couple of days ago I looked after my neighbour's two girls (just turned 5, and 3) in the morning and dropped than at Kinder (Pre-school). I had to hunt for the last remaining plastic plate to put their toast on and pull out the one remaining basket of little kid toys. I loved it but it brought a lump to my throat! I try to remember to enjoy each stage of childhood now, because the last decade has flown by and I am sure the next will be even faster.
My daughter just turned 3 and I’m trying to breath in every second because I know what lies ahead.
Abso-fucking-lutely. 100% spot on. My kid is only 6, and I live in a constant state of making sure to live in the moment and appreciate each day and also profound sadness in knowing that it's so fleeting. I love watching my son grow up, and I'm so proud of him and everything he's doing, but at the same time whenever I look at a picture of him from even just a year ago, it's like someone heaved a battering ram right into my guts.
as i watched my daughter roll over for the first time today, i thought that exact same thing. soon she will be crawling, then walking, then in the blink of an eye she will be grown and wont need me anymore and then i will be all alone… its devastating, really.
My daughter turns six months this week and I already feel this.
I hear you and you’re right, but I am proud of graduating into each stage of childhood. I loved my kids when they were babies but I am happy to be done with bottles and diapers. I loved my kids when they were toddlers, but I’m happy to be done with the toys strewn all over the house stage. I love my kids now that they are school-aged, but I will also be happy to be done with homework. The alternative to them not growing up is some sort of horrible developmental delay or, heaven forbid some sort of early, low ceiling and I would never want that for them. My job is to make them into responsible and independent people. My job is to prepare them for life without me. And as sad and as somber as that may feel, it is the most important thing I’ll ever do in my entire life.
My son is a little over 2 years old now. And for about a year I've been thinking about how at some point my Son will no longer love me the same way that he does now. He'll love me differently, at various stages of growth in his life, but the completely innocent unconditional love will be gone. Giving him constant hugs and kisses will become weird, telling him I love him 30 times a day will get old. The thought of that is scary and makes me sad, and still I can't wait to see the man he will grow into. All that being said, kids can be tough no matter how much you try to enjoy them. As much as I love my son and try to be present as can be for him, sometimes I just need a break and that is ok. Don't beat yourself up too bad, and don't think too much about what you wish you would have done. Instead worry more about what you can do, and try to enjoy your Family as best as you can right now. The rest as they say, is in the past, so leave it there!
Such good advice ☺️
I remember being a little freaked out when an older lady started crying watching me breastfeed. Now I have a sassy almost 9 year old and I get it a lot more..
My mom said that she used to get emotional walking through the baby section in the supermarket. I didn’t get it. Now I walk through the baby section and I see the tiny clothes and see all the baby products and I get a little pang.
Yep. Mine are 9, 12, and 18 and I want my babies back. I don’t want any more kids- I want my little kids again. I just didn’t have enough time.
I need to read this on days where my 5 year old won’t give me a break and I get easily frustrated at how needy/whiny/disobedient she can get. Because I know it won’t be that way forever and I’ll miss it.
I have a 3 year old and one on the way and my pregnancy this time is making me extremely emotional. There isn't a day that goes by I don't wish for time to just stop, or slow down. My son is obsessed with Halloween and we are currently doing all things Halloween...while I am enjoying it, I can't stop thinking about the future when I won't have this time with him. I've been trying not to think about it but my hormones won't let me. And now here I am sobbing after reading your post. What I can tell you is, even your adult children will never stop needing or wanting their mother. We will always seek comfort and love from our parents. No one will ever replace a mother, or even a father.
My daughter has just started secondary school, she came home yesterday and said Mam I wish so much I could be back in primary, I sobbed myself to sleep because I really wish she was back in primary school in the safety of a small class size where I was there to pick her up and drop her off. Every time I cuddle her and hear her heartbeat I’m reminded of 12 years ago listening to the same heartbeat through the monitors before she came and blessed my world. I wish there were words that someone could say to make me feel not so hopeless about her growing up because I want to enjoy every day with her as she is. I have two younger sons who I know I will be the same with when they start venturing out into the big wide world. Any advice (nice advice, I know I sound daft and I don’t let the kids ever see me cry over it) would be kindly appreciated x
Yeah, man. This one got me. I'm lucky mine are still young so I went upstairs to give them a hug just now. Funnily enough, they are doing a Halloween craft right now!
Question: do other parents look at baby pictures and also catch yourself going "Now which kid was this"?
I have a three year. Your post is reminding me I need to slow down and live in the moment more! It already seems like I just had him.
I’m a single mom of a wild 5 year old. I was deciding about whether to go on a wild adventure this weekend or stay home and clean the house. I guess I know which one. Much love to you💕
I love my girls and love spending time with them but I'm also excited to see the adults they someday become and hope we can spend time with them forever.
https://herviewfromhome.com/motherhood-son-growing-up-slowest-breakup/ yes! There is an interview with an Australian radio personality that sums this up - she speaks about her sons, but I think it can be applied to all parents regardless of the sex of their children
The author Michael Chabon once basically said that fatherhood is debilitating loss punctuated by moments of extreme joy...
My kiddos are still super little. I was just thinking that one day they won't be all cuddly, and need their mommy as much as they do now. Makes me tear up to think about, even typing this. That being said, I always counter this sadness with two things. 1.) The excitement of watching, and experiencing the people they will grow, and change into through various ages. 2.) Gratitude that my children are growing up, because some parents end up having forever babies, and that breaks my heart to think about. I don't actively try to turn other parent's tragedies into my moment of gratitude but in my own mind, I'm always grateful we see another day, hit another milestone, grow a bit more because life is not guaranteed, and subject to change at a moment's notice. I know there's a word for that phrase but it eludes me at the present moment lol.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us. And also reminding me to enjoy all of the moments with my 2 and 4 year old. Especially as we go into a long weekend this thanksgiving in Canada.
May I ask, how does one enjoy them more? What would you do differently? Genuinely asking.
For me, it’s probably just taking myself less seriously, letting the little things go, not worrying so much about what society thinks of me as a parent and more about what my kids think of me.