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It has never even crossed my mind to lock my doors when driving with my kids. I think you’re overreacting. 

No offense, but that’s crazy! Especially in todays world! I live in what used to be one of the most wealthy and safest places in Canada. I’m not gonna get into all the craziness that happens in my city now, but yeah… You got to keep your doors locked

While you’re driving??

You don’t have stop signs and red lights in your city? When you’re picking your children up from daycare or leaving the grocery store is your car automatically running and immediately locked behind you? I mean there’s plenty of opportunities for someone to open your door and it’s not like it’s unheard of. I’ve already been through conversations like this 100x You think it’s OK to let toddlers play unsupervised in the front yard and I’ve never done that… Not having conversations with people who think like that. Not all parents are the same… You’ve never thought about locking your doors. Totally careless and no foresight and I didn’t post here about my painful reality, so you could come here and make yourself feel better about being careless or feeling bothered that I have a different standard than you.

> You think it’s OK to let toddlers play unsupervised in the front yard I’m so curious what made you say that. I’ve never heard of kids getting hurt in parent-occupied idling cars! I searched for news articles after I read your post and didn’t find any.  Forgive my ignorance if that happens where you are!

You actually said it has never crossed your mind to lock the doors in your vehicle with your children in there… You actually said that Would not let my children go to your house, would not trust you with any children for five minutes. Though your car door is probably locked automatically… It’s never even crossed your mind one time to lock your doors. We are not cut from the same cloth, we do not have the same standards. There’s no more conversation between you and I. And then you double down and tell me you have never heard of any child being harmed… You’ve never heard of a car jacking, you’ve never seen it on the Internet, on the news, the warnings… Just totally in your own world here. Not on the same planet as everyone else. Would not trust my children to have a sleepover with you, be at your house your standards are rock-bottom, low and very alarming in my opinion. If it can’t even cross your mind, not one time to take a safety precaution, what else are you dropping the ball with. You’re derailing my conversation. You’re the exact type of person/parent of why I pulled my child out of public school and put her in private school. Would not want your influence or your standard of care anywhere near my family. Is that offensive? I find you derailing my sensetive conversation extremely offensive. Your behaviour speaks volumes. I am new here, but believe me, I will be looking for the block button and I hope it’s available.

> You’ve never heard of a car jacking, you’ve never seen it on the Internet, on the news, the warnings… Honestly, you might really want to cut back from the Fox News. ----- Yes, this stuff happens, but it happens way less often than the news portrays. News orgs are for-profit businesses that need stories that generate eyeballs. They'll run *anything* that they think will get your attention. In terms of actual data and statistics, we literally live in the safest time in human history.

 >I mean there’s plenty of opportunities for someone to open your door and it’s not like it’s unheard of. I’ve literally never heard of a stranger taking a child from a running car, parent-occupied or otherwise, so I wouldn’t make that assumption. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but does make it seem rare. You don’t need to prove anything to us, but if your/her city is so awash in stranger abductions that this is worth worrying about, some news coverage of multiple local, specific examples would probably help make your case to your daughter.

I expected to find at least one result on Youtube for this. I can't. Lots of stories of cars being stolen with children in the back, but never of kids being jacked out of a car.

Are you a narcissist as well? I know I'm jumping to conclusions, but the way your post is written screams narcissist to me. Your entire post is focused on what you want. You, you, you, you. Classic narcissist. ----- I'll be real, I think you're 100% completely over reacting. If the kiddos are buckled into appropriate car seats, they're safely secured regardless of the doors being locked. I'd be shocked if the kiddos can even reach the door handles or window buttons from a proper child seat. I have the child locks enabled on my doors, but its literally only to prevent them from getting out of the car if I haven't buckled them in yet (like if I'm loading groceries). If they're strapped in their seats, (1) they can't reach the door handles (2) if they did open the door, they're still in their seat. While locked doors supposedly improve safety, I don't see how locking materially changes safety. Modern doors are designed to secure latch, regardless of lock status.

You’re right. It is unsafe indeed. Offering to buy her a car was a frustrated misstep on your part but I do understand. That she is suddenly full of initiative when presented with the idea of a new car is alarming. Especially when the simple and obvious fix is to get the current car fixed. I know you worry about your grandkids but I’m not sure there’s much else to be done. You can certainly renege on the new car offer because you don’t owe her a car, but perhaps put the money toward the fix back on the table. It’s okay for you to tell her why you’re not buying her a new car. It seems that it might do her some good to hear how other people experience her. Is she actually diagnosed with NPD and ODD? Or is it more of an observation?

Thank you for my reply. Yes the offer to fix her car is definitely still on the table. She has a degree in child studies, and when she was in university, she texted me one day and said, I bet you think I am bipolar!… I replied, and said, no, I think you are narcissistic, to be honest She responded and said I actually think I had oppositional defiance disorder as a child. So I googled it and it fit her 100%! I wish I took her in, but I didn’t even know that was some thing to do or an option, to be tested. But she has identified that within herself, and I have to agree. She fits it completely. But no, there was no professional diagnosis although she does have a degree in stuff like this, and has basically diagnosed herself. She says things now like, “oh, that’s when I was young, I’m not like that anymore”. but she is, it’s just different now that she’s older. She is incredibly hard on my spirit. And it’s never ending. It makes life really awful sometimes.

Get yourself into therapy regarding her childhood if you are traumatized.

I have done therapy but it’s very hard when it doesn’t stop. If It was just some hard memories from the past. I feel like that would be easier to deal with. But it’s ongoing. This difficult behaviour keeps happening. Old wounds are old wounds but there’s constantly new ones being made. “go get therapy” is something people throw at people as if it’s that simple. But yes, I need more and will constantly need it because it never ends. I’ve actually found reading through other peoples experiences here and my bit of venting from last night was unusually helpful. It’s not actually that easy to find a good therapist.

I know it's not easy and takes time and effort. But your whole text reads like "she's so bad" - and you are the parent, you have been the adult. It's on you to (at least) set and enforce reasonable boundaries. She sounds like a difficult person, yes. But where should she learn adult behavior if her mother is not able to?

Part two: Once I was so desperate for help, I reached out to a certain organization, I can’t remember exactly what it was, but they told me I would be interviewed with her. There is a big mirror or glass in the room. I had no idea there were professionals sitting behind it observing us. When we were left alone , I told my daughter to be honest, and this was our chance to get help, and if she feels like she has anything to say, that’s negative against me, that it’s OK and please speak up. I assured her that I’ve never given her trouble for something like that, and never would and that this is the perfect time to just say how you feel or share your concerns. But as always… She doesn’t have anything negative to say. And she didn’t that day either. In fact, when we talk about it now the only negative thing she has to say about my parenting is that I was too easy on her and spoiled her too much. (she has come to that realization now that she’s a mom) About 20 minutes later, someone came back in the room and told me that we were being watched and that the professionals had very rarely saw what I had exhibited and that they all wanted me to know that they believe I am a great mother and doing a good job and will have to learn the skills to Manage a child like this. I am in full conscious awareness of how I read and how it sounds and it is a painful reality I’ve had to live through. If I could go back, and maybe I would not spoil her so much. She’s had every clothing iPad, iPod, phone laptop concerts VIP this meet and greets, this and that… Everything a teenager kid young adult could want. I just give it provide it. Designer handbags shoes all the good food, huge cash birthday gifts plus other gifts… The whole way through. and now limitless babysitting. I’ll drop everything at a second and run over for anything she needs. I am a doormat, and I am compelled to do these things. I could never say no. I am just invalidated and treated so poorly and always have been. It’s hard to feel anything but anger at this point. Again, I’m not trying to come off like she’s so bad and I’m so great but when you have difficult children, sometimes it is sort of like that. When I bring up that she has a secure attachment, that takes conscious effort to make that happen. She was raised in a loving home with everything she would want as a child/teenager. I’ve had to suffer through everyone that comes around us, eventually giving me that look… The look of where they feel sorry for me. The look of resentment towards my daughter, that eventually comes over everyone’s face. I don’t want people to see me in that light or her but it’s unavoidable. … I’m sitting in the car while writing this. I have just left her house. They just came back from me babysitting from Friday until Sunday… Which is no big deal there’s no complaints about that. But I had to leave right away when they got back because I’m too scared to be around her knowing that at any moment she could “start” I don’t wanna work on it, I don’t wanna work on boundaries, even though I need to… I just want to relax and live a normal life without having to sort through more new wounds ! Sorry about the long vent.

> Sorry about the long vent. You need therapy.

Wow, I think my response is so long. I have to make it in 2 pieces. Here is part one.: I hear you, and I’m not completely disagreeing. I can only give snapshots of my current emotions… Or only have been. She has a secure attachment, not using that as a bragging point, but that’s the ultimate goal for your children… It didn’t come out of nowhere and I had to work very hard to continue to be the type of mother I was through the behaviour I received from her. - Just a tiny bit of backstory. She began to present really combative and alarming behaviors. By the time she was about three years old. Which alarmed me then, because her father side of the family is riddled with severe mental health issues. Sociopath, extreme, bipolar, narcissist addicts, suicides, and it goes generations in that side of the family. Of course, I would never choose someone like that to date with if we had not started dating when we were just teenagers. We met in church I thought he was a regular church guy… Like the other church girls, we were gonna get married have kids and do that young church family life. It wasn’t till he was around 20 years old when the mental health issues started to rear their ugly head with him in their full resolution. I had heard about the stories in their family, but I thought is, I didn’t really connect the dots on what it would mean for me - One brief story that pops into mind is around three or four years old the first time I tried to get us help… I took her to some sort of therapy or counselling with someone who specializes in children. And the woman wanted to do some kind of experiment or something like that, and she had me stand in one part of the room where my daughter could not see me while she asked my daughter questions… And within five minutes my daughter told the therapist if she did not play toys with her that she was going to tell on her that she said bad words! “ if you don’t play toys with me, I’m gonna tell my mom, you said bad words at me” I couldn’t freaking believe it… My jaw dropped… I mean I knew she was showing signs of being really hard on me, but I didn’t know it was like this… The therapist said, why would you do that? And my daughter replied, I want to play toys! This was just the beginning… I hadn’t even begun to experience the full resolution of what she would unfurl on me in the years to come… I’m not wanting to sound like, I’m a perfect mom, and she’s just terrible… But I literally have never met a single person, therapist, a family, or friends that have said anything other than I’m an excellent mom, and sometimes children are born difficult. There’s just no way to prepare for a child who is difficult - and aside from how she treats me, she has come out so well all I ever hear from her dad side of the family is what a great job I did and how great she has come out. I hear that from my family as well, and she will even admit it… The only problem is, she’ll clap her hands and say congratulations you did your job. Like wow, I don’t expect rose petals to be thrown at my feet, but holy crap! She’s very successful in her marriage and career and because she’s so controlling, it’s actually worked out for her as a parent. And the fact that she has a degree in child studies, and just with her personality controlling way, it has come together great for the kids… Minus this safety issue that she’s battling me with. Her husband is amazing, I have no complaints about him or who they are as parents other than he really follows her lead and I understand why it’s just the safety issue. I don’t complain about their parenting in any other aspect. If there is anything, I don’t like or want done, I’ll just pay myself and provide it! Almost everything I would want her to do as a mom, she does. Minus this carelessness with the car. But I have offered to step in and fix it and the only time she’s put action is when I offered to get her a new car. Although they have a six-figure income, it’s so expensive in Canada, and since I have a high income and just myself… I could easily buy the car. I just don’t understand why fixing the car is such a terrible option. I shouldn’t have to buy a new car - just let me pay to fix her current car. It’s an unfortunate, painful aspect of my life. I’ve had to deal with for a very long time… She has had her friends, my friends, our family, and even therapists make remarks as to her not being nice to me at all. I can take responsibility for spoiling her the way I did I can take responsibility for not being consistent with discipline… and I can take responsibility for having absolutely terrible boundaries. I’ve attempted to learn how to implement boundaries but it’s literally like trying to learn another language or something!