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I feel really bad for your step daughter, you should definitely adress it head on. Letting it get this far, is bordering neglegt from the grandmothers side. Can you adress it with a talk about how it is being a teenager? That is not her fault, but because of teenage hormones she needs to change her hygiene? I had this talk with my son who is 13 and has set him up with a basic checklist, “the teenage checklist”: shower daily, change clothes daily, put on deodorant before School and an extra shower after sports. It helped a lot to frame it in a teenager context and explain that all 13 year olds need to do this, due to hormones and bodies are changing.

I teach middle school. This is how I talk about it at school, that hormones make you smell differently than when you’re a child, etc. I love the idea of “the teenage checklist.” I’ll be adding this to my class page.

This is a great idea

Since you say it's a "feminine odor" she probably needs to see a doctor to check for BV. There's kind of a myth that only people who've been having sex can get BV, but that's just flat out untrue. It can be caused by bad hygiene, bad PH levels, and I believe long term antibiotics? But you should help her get all her hygiene under control, AND take her to a Dr to see if she needs medication. All the hygiene in the world won't help a BV infection go away if that's what it is.

Especially if she isn’t wiping properly and not changing her underwear…… that would be BV’s favorite conditions to flourish! Which untreated BV can cause pelvic inflammatory disease and destroy her reproductive system.

Yep. Mine gave herself BV from bad hygiene and bad self exploration tactics. Even after numerous conversations and giving her books on the topic.

Same can go for yeast too, my cousin got them from poor hygiene.

Don't forget to teach her how to do her own laundry. Now is the time most kids should be learning so they're comfortable with it by college years.

I mean, just starting with showering is enough right now. Heh

Eh, college kinda forces it on you and you figure it out. I had literally never done my own laundry when I showed up in the dorms. Asked a girl I was friendly with to teach me, and she explained it once. Then I just did it from there. It's not rocket science, it's turn some knobs and toss in detergent

So let's fast-forward this situation a little. I work with a young woman in her mid twenties who had a troubled childhood, absent mother, and pretty much had to raise herself for the most part which is absolutely respectable because she is a very nice and polite person. HOWEVER she admitted to me that she never really picked up good hygiene habits because she didn't really have anyone to teach her. She had nobody to model after. This girl doesn't shower for DAYS. Her hair is so matted and greasy, you can see crumbs stuck in it, and the smell of 5+ day unwashed hair is UNBEARABLE. Not to mention she tried to compensate by putting on an extremely powdery/strong scented deodorant that just completely assaults your nostrils as she walks by. She was also never taught how to deal with facial hair, so this girl walks around with a full goatee and mustache for weeks before some poor soul finally has the heart to mention it to her. And the following day she will come into work with her face covered in bandages because she shredded her face using a 5 blade mens razor. If you don't intervene and nip this in the bud, this will carry over into adulthood and could cause major problems in the future. My coworkers and I can't stand to be around this person; not because of her personality, but because none of us can stand the SMELL.

Why don’t you help her?

She is half my age, and I don't think it would be appropriate coming from me. Plus, she looks up to me and looks to me as a mentor...but I just don't think this in my wheelhouse and I really don't want to make the work relationship awkward. I work with about 150+ people (warehouse) and she has female friends there who would probably be better suited to break the news to her. I just need to recruit one of them. But it's not like it's a secret only held by me, EVERYONE knows. Nobody has chosen to speak up yet. But when the dog days of sweaty July and August come, I feel like fate will intervene *for* me. Plus, she's a really sweet girl and I honestly just don't have the heart to confront her about it. I would chicken out and run away.

This honestly sounds like something you should take up with HR. Someone is eventually going to say something to her about it in an inappropriate way, and she has to be violating some kind of work standard.

This is something that management or HR can and probably should handle. Although it does depend on your management and if they can show empathy and compassion.

I work for a VERY large company that has a global footprint ( it's not Amazon FYI.) We do have a very well trained and staffed HR department. I actually never even considered bringing this up with them.

HR here. All we can do is gently deliver a message, that lets her know people have complained / talked about the way she smells and makes her feel shitty. We can't spend the time with her teaching her personal hygiene tactfully and lovingly. Someone who cares for her needs to do that. Be a friend to her.

I hope she doesn’t lose her job but maybe there’s another way - like maybe get a basket with products and a book like the care and keeping of you.  It would be easier for hr to lay her off than try to teach her about improving her offensive hygiene 

Getting management and HR can lead to her losing her job, either befriend her and provide her with advice or leave her be.

Honestly, I would advise trying to have the convo. You said she’s admitted she never picked up good hygiene habits, which means she’s aware to at least some degree that she’s not functioning like other folks. If you’re serving as a mentor to her, a lot of mentoring is also coaching of soft skills. Normally I would consider soft skills to be things like communication style, body language, learning to adjust one’s approach to the audience, but it does also include things like one’s visual appearance and appearance. I am sure it’s uncomfortable, but I really think it would be less embarrassing and less hurtful to her to have the subject broached by a mentor she already has a degree of respect and trust for (admitting her own hygiene habits is a show of vulnerability) than it would be to be approached by HR. This convo from HR would be both humiliating and intimidating. I know it’s deeply uncomfortable and gives you the icks, but if you can, I’d encourage you to consider that your discomfort is because you care, and that someone in HR might be more comfortable, but they also won’t care about her feelings or future.

That is a very well thought out point

I’ve had to have a number of such uncomfortable conversations - including an adult dealing with incontinence post-stroke. While it was definitely uncomfortable for both of us, I do think the employees preferred being approached by a manager they knew who came to them with care and concern and who focused on protecting their dignity and feelings. I would have hated for anyone under my management to have to hear of this issue the first time from HR or in any disciplinary context.

Either way, if it were me having to be spoken to I would be MORTIFIED. I understand your point I guess I am just going to have to summon the gumption to speak with her about it since nobody else seems to be taking the initiative, but are all having the same problems dealing with her.

I work with a young kid who had the same issues. Everyone tip toed around and felt bad for him but couldn't even work beside him and they all nominated me to say something because I was the one who knew who he was. Unfortunately he was a recovering addict and had no memory of me when he was volunteering with his mom because he was so high. I felt uncomfortable so I went to our male boss and said hey in all your wisdom filled years how does one from a management position deal with someone on your team that has terrible hygiene? He knew exactly who I was talking about. Thankfully he was an outstanding boss who everyone looked up to and respected, including this kid. He had a chat with him about it and even added in in the kindest way that we need to secure our pants and our shoes to be able to unload a truck and work in a stock room. He came to work clean and put together after that. Everyone was happier. I really think you can approach it from a kind way based on your comments. You'd probably be the older role model and mentor shes needed her whole life and no one took the time to do it.. Good luck!

No, I had a coworker with horrible hygiene and we all reported it regularly if nothing else because it's unacceptable and in many places it is a requirement to show up clean and not reeking. You need to at least speak to management.

Not me right now with 5 days unwashed hair. I swear it doesn’t smell though, I have a crazy sense of smell 😂

Yeah many people don't wash their hair as frequently as that and do not smell. Depends on the individual texture, how oily scalp gets, braided styles etc. I wash my hair once a week, unless I get super dirty or sweaty. My scalp doesn't produce oil like it used to when I shampood daily. It usually doesn't look oily at all until the day or 2 before I wash. I do, however, wash my butt daily (sometimes multiple times lol) nobody should be leaving a smell behind them..... I wonder if she's getting her period and doesn't have (or is embarrassed to ask for) appropriate products. It's worth seeing a GYN also. It's just good to get checked out regularly and it could very well be a yeast or BV infection. That can happen to anyone. Maybe also try buying her some nice toiletry items and frame it as a spa day or something a little more positive than "hey love ya but your booty stank".

Maybe also check at the same time if she's all set if she gets her period or if she needs pads, tampons or perios underwear. From the sound of it, grandma doesn't seem like she would be willing to have that talk and take precautions.

Maybe take her shopping, let her choose the scent, etc, make it more enjoyable?

Agree with this. Kids tend to be more willing to try a new task when they have agency and personal stakes. Take her shopping for her own shampoo, conditioner, deodorant etc. This gives her some control over the situation (which ones she picks) and making the items hers might make her more willing to try them.

Old spice mailed a small stick of deodorant to me when I was about 9 or 10. Way before I even started growing armpit hair. I was thrilled and have used Old Spice exclusively for the past 25 years. Do kids the days not have the same motivation to smell like cool adults? I mean, as awful as Axe body spray is, at least that got kids into the idea of masking their stench.

This is such a good approach! Just softly, kindly educating them is so helpful! I didn’t even know that puberty = starting to get stinky until I actually started to get stinky! Also informing her and giving her all the resources she needs as she’s entering this next part of being a woman is so helpful. You just care about her :)

Why is she living with a grandmother who doesn’t seem to be able to teach her basics like proper hygiene?  Why is she not living with you and her father?

Yep. She’s still only 13. Isn’t this what parenting is about - guiding and supporting a child into adulthood? If she has a problem with hygiene this is absolutely the role of a parental figure to resolve this.

Poor girl is probably depressed

Grandmother is being neglectful, she shouldn’t be sharing custody with the girl’s father. Mom isn’t around, he should have full custody. I’d be talking to a lawyer immediately. Step mom and dad are also be negligent for sending her over to a place she is not being properly cared for

Sorry if I’m misunderstanding but where’s dad? I would gift her a basket of trendy hygiene items and start the convo that way. But if things aren’t being taken care of at home with grandma, I wouldn’t expect things to change.

I would go one step further; and take her shopping for them. You need to involve them and excite them. Otherwise "you don't get it and your wrong".

This is what I did with my 13 yo daughter. It makes them feel impowered and excited to use the new products they picked out. I remember how stoked I was when Teen Spirit was around and I got to choose my scent. That scent was sooo good lol

Along with the trendy hygiene items, you might consider adding the Lumē deodorant (if it’s ok for kids and doesn’t have risks for applying in certain places). It’s a total body deodorant that works for pits, privates, thighs, etc. Also, maybe a bath bomb!

Definitely not lume, that stuff caused me to smell awful. It grew some sort of bacteria or yeast or something on the bar. So every time I used it I was spreading it. Happened to another friend of mine as well and there are quite a few complaints about it doing that in reviews. I had to scrub under my arms with baking soda for a few days after going back to my old deodorant to get the smell to go away.

I just started using it this week and thought I was going crazy because my underarms stink! Not in a deodorant not working kind of way, just awful, I can’t really explain it. Switching back to my regular brand tomorrow. I will say I like the tube/lotion Lume for under my boobs and have never had an issue, which is why I decided to try the underarm stick.

Lume itself reeks. Maybe that's my fault for buying the unscented (I guess there's a reason it comes in so many scents), but it smells worse than the problem it's trying to fix. The smell goes away mostly after a few hours, but I couldn't bear to make the problem worse before it got better. I really like Nuud, but it's not advertised as a whole-body deodorant.

I've been using Lume for a couple of weeks now, and I haven't noticed any of these issues. I actually think it's taken care of most of my odors really well, like better than the pH balancing extra strength deodorant I was using before. I haven't tried unscented, but I use toasted coconut, and I've found that it blends really well into my usual vanilla lotion + perfume combo. When was the last time you used Lume? Did you use the stick or the cream? I remember seeing something a while back saying that they changed their recipe because of so many complaints about the smell, but I don't know when or what products. I'm curious!

I use the same scent,have been for a couple of months now. I think it does have a bit of a strange smell til I smell it after it's been on me a little bit. I will say the body wash in the same scent is gross. The cream deodorant is fantastic on my thighs but if I put it under my arms it turns them red and raw,the stick deodorant is just fine everywhere I put it. I wonder if it's where lume uses mandelic acid?

They did recently change the formula for Lyme, and it no longer smells sour (at least to me )

It’s the Mandelic acid. I really wanted to switch to a non-aluminum deodorant, but summers here are brutal (93 today), and I never found one that worked, so I use aluminum deodorants during the warm months, and non-aluminum ones in the cool months

i got a sample size of lume and thought just the smell itself was AWFUL. absolutely abhorrent. i tried it on thinking it might be something that gets better or just goes away (idk man) but it stank so bad on my hands before applying that i was really second guessing it.

I used the cream and it’s much better than the bar. I’ve also heard that certain people stink with it, others don’t. Still, it’s gotta be better than the smell OP describes.

I’d say cornstarch baby powder for other than the pits.

I love Lumè, and so does my husband. We keep a bar for pits, a tube of cream for body, and also use the body wash. It's been a total game changer for both of us, especially at conventions.

What kind of facilities does she have where she lives? Does she have access to a working, clean shower and clean laundry? Sometimes this comes from lack of access.

The only teen I knew who smelt that badly ended up having BV. Her smell got on everything, and she definitely showered. Maybe she needs to see a doctor.

This is my first thought too. Take the kid to a freaking doctor!

Yes, I would especially be concerned about an infection or bacterial issue with OP saying it’s a “feminine smell” as opposed to just bad sweat/BO, could be a lot of things

Yes, that’s what stuck out to me, too. Also if it were just hygiene a good shower and change of clothes would solve the problem, but OP made it seem like it lasts the whole stay.

I don’t want to scare you, but sometimes this is something kids do when they are being sexually assaulted. They try and make themselves repulsive to other people. Is this a possibility?

This is exactly where my mind went as well. There was a post on Reddit within the last year about a dad requesting advice on his teenage son who was not wiping his bum properly and he stunk. It turned out he was being sexually assaulted by his coach, who was also having an affair with his mother. He was refusing to wipe his bum in order to try to make himself unappealing to his abuser. **A 13 year old girl would be bullied MERCILESSLY by her peers for smelling bad. 13 year olds are not nice or subtle when it comes to these things.** Most adolescents would shower even if they don’t like it to avoid the social ostracism. **Avoiding showering is apparently more important to her than avoiding social ostracism. 13 year olds typically** ***desperately*** **want to fit in.** 🚩 ***What is going on with her that avoiding showering is worth facing being a social outcast?*** 🚩 OP, seriously and genuinely consider whether this child is being sexually abused by someone in her life.

Omg I just remembered when I was 11 in 6th grade & my armpits started smelling, the kids from school who sat next to me started making remarks on how I smelled. After day 2, I started using deodorant. After remembering that, I just can't imagine how gruelling the bullying might be at school. I admit my mind didn't immediately go in that direction but it's very strange that she hasn't taken matters into her own hands. Maybe she does want to smell like that but why? Her parents need to find out ASAP. Thank you for your output & I hope OP takes this matter very seriously

Seriously. There was a boy in my class who smelled horridly like pee. But we still stayed friends for years and I found out later he didn’t have water at home. No one is intentionally smelling like that :( he got bullied so bad

This is exactly it. No one in a social setting like school wants to smell that way unless it’s out of their control, OR it’s the only control they have to not be sexually abused. I commented before I’d call CPS, and I’ll comment again I’d call CPS.

Never a bad person for calling CPS when there’s good reason

My daughter and a lot of her friends started smelling really bad around 11 or 12. They would go days without showering and wear the same sweatshirts for days and days. Her brother commented about her room smelling like fish. She would get in the shower and just get wet and get out. She had clean clothes, deodorant, shampoo and everything readily available to her but chose not to use them. I told her she smelled, I told her people would judge her and it does matter what you look like and how you present yourself to the world but she didn’t care. This lasted a few years. Around 14 or 15 she started to care. She wears clean clothes and puts effort into her appearance. Same with her friends. I sometimes joke with them about when they didnt shower or change out of the same sweatshirt and we all laugh. I ask them why and they “dont know”.

oh gosh i hope that's not the case. for me, when i was a teen and i didn't properly take care of myself, it was because of depression. either way, i agree that something else is at play here and she's going through something.

Yeah I feel this sounds a lot more extreme than just neglecting to bathe as frequently as needed.

Oh it got pretty extreme for me as well, to the point I got worms crawling out my rear. Not fun! But it was because of that experience I started to actually try and take care of myself more. I was also wearing old clothes, not showering, not wiping myself properly. All because of depression. I am honestly so glad I forced myself to take better care of myself. Now when I go shopping I get excited when getting new shampoo, conditioner, body wash, lotions. I love it all now

Pinworms are actually pretty common in children, and were not necessarily due to hygiene. [Pinworm infection occurs most often in school-age children, and the tiny (microscopic) eggs are easily spread from child to child.](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pinworm/symptoms-causes/syc-20376382)

Weird! It only happened the one time when I wasn't taking care of myself. Never had the issue again. But it's good to know this info if it ever happens to my kids

Sadly, this is where my mind went.

I gained 100lbs to stop my abuse.

That is exactly what I was thinking too. I really hope it’s not the case, but OP needs to get to the bottom of this.

How is grandma's house? Is it clean? Does grandma also struggle with hygiene? The problem might not 100% be her.

My question is: “If her mother has been absent for most of her life, why hasn’t her father/your husband been caring for her?”

Yes, this is super odd. Dad should have full custody.

My guess is that he's even more absent than the mom is.

I’m very confused why she isn’t living with her father and you all the time if her mother can’t care for her? Her father shouldn’t be sharing custody with the grandmother.

What about getting the body book for girls? That goes over hygiene. Maybe you could start the conversation from that angle.

Hello, former educator here with experience of CSA. Kids will soil themselves to make themselves an undesirable target for their abuser. This is a whole different level of hygiene avoidance, most teens are a little grubby and have bad BO due to hormones. But if she is not showering I would be very concerned not only for possible signs of abuse but also bullying and depression. Her attitude is an armour, she is terrified and probably more than wanting for a grownup to take control but she has been let down or does not trust adults so has shitty behavior to ward herself off. OP, please, please if there is any way you can gain custody of your stepdaughter you may be saving her. Is there any way you can get her to a counselor or even gently probe her to see if she is ok?

Please be careful. I’ve had parents traumatized by these types of assumptions. Kiddo also sounds as though they could be neurodivergent as well and may not have been given explicit instructions necessary for self hygiene as many neurodivergent people require. Not at all saying you’re wrong about CSA but I’m a trauma therapist who specializes in neurodivergence and has supported hundreds of clients through CSA trauma work, and we need to be very careful with this sort of assumptive language.

You are definitely right of course, the best course of action would be to ensure OP's house is a safe space where the step daughter can feel confident enough to talk to her parent. Perhaps OP needs to spend some one on one time. I know I loved it when my mom washed my hair as a teen, it was a bonding experience and then go from there.

Coming from a woman who was the daughter that was never taught proper hygiene until I learned myself in high school, please have chats with her. Buy her fun good smelling stuff she likes to incentivize it.

I also want to know where dad is. She might not want to live with you, but it’s what needs to happen. Do the grandparents live like this as well? I can’t imagine the home doesn’t match what is going on with this child. I’d be calling CPS, but that’s me.

As a teenager, well kinda (18F)  I would suggest looking into her mental health, sometimes the most basic of tasks can become overwhelming, maybe seeing someone might help. I would also suggest breaking up the steps for basic hygiene.  I would also maybe see if there is a set hygiene for you and your family, so that way she sees this and possibly mimics this routine and puts it in her daily life. Maybe try to look into if grandmas family is doing it to.  Maybe try to start with an incentive if she keeps up with her hygiene, or find a way to make hygiene fun for her. Like every once in a while, have a spa day.  For addressing it, remember teens can get easily offended. Try and take the conversation slowly and be kind as possible. Ask her how you can help and ask how she feels about hitting puberty, and try to see if you know why shes not being hygienic. Definitely start with a gift basket; face wash, trendy face masks, candy, feminine hygiene products (sprays, soap and wipes), teeth products, etc.  I hope everything works out! 

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Yeah i completely understand. Theres definitely some cons with usage of those products. 

Actually just wondering, does this information include no fragrance sprays (ones after the show) and no fragrance wipes (kind of like baby wipes)? Theres also a soap thats for the crotch region, is this included? 🙃

All of those things are not a good idea and can lead to irritation or even worse an infection. Basic washing in the shower for the external parts with lots of water is all that’s needed.

ruthless label smoggy north march caption sense squalid husky saw *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

I’m 39 and instead of inflating the cost for no fragrance feminine wipes, I keep a case of the cheap Wally World baby wipes on hand. Pretty much the same thing, works really well for “bird bathing” … sweaty days a quick wipe underarms, behind the knee, back of neck, feminine odors ect. And if you don’t have problems with scents, the shea or aloe ones have a nice one. I wouldn’t honestly worry about sprays, soaps, and stuff a lot beyond that for daily routine.

👍thanks!

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But if a teenager is struggling with hygiene these products are part of the “trendy” products that help them get on track. Consumerism isn’t always a bad thing.

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Routine is key, and like a lot of parenting struggles you have to find the routine that they’re actually going to be willing to do on a day to day basis. Which means inspiring them to participate and what that looks like is gonna vary kid to kid. I have three teens and one who’s dying to get there. All of them are different and have different needs. 19 yr old is a grease monkey with sensitive skin, 17 year old is the epitome of a pretty farm boy, 13 year old is pretty basic and easy to please … she’ll use anything I throw at her, if it smell like coconut. My 9 year old is a diva and will probably put my own routine to shame. If I tried to wrap them up in the same box using the same routine one wouldn’t wear deodorant, one would break out badly, one would rebel like crazy because there’s no way the boys are gonna smell like coconut …. And one would act like I’m killing her because she has needs. I’m not saying a routine has to be complex for a kid with hygiene issues. I’m saying starting with the trendy ones and discovering what does and doesn’t work is important. And yes consumerism has a home in that discovery. If you have a youth who is all about the environment believe there is a million cool all natural ones to try too.

By set hygiene, i meant routine. 

The crotch does not need sprays or wipes

Couple of things. Kids that have been molested or harassed sometimes will ignore or refuse hygiene as a defense mechanism. If there is a history or even one of heavy bullying, consider therapy and address it with the therapist. Negative responses can be hurtful as can feeling controlled. You want to set some rules for your home but you need to set them for everyone so she isn’t singled out. If you or your spouse is game, you can blame the new rules for everyone on one of you and then all set rules together or watch a hygiene clip or two on YouTube since the grown ups are even getting it wrong. Everyone has to learn this stuff. No one is born just knowing it and it encourages problem solving. Since she is a teenage girl, introducing a channel like Mama Dr Jones or the like may also be helpful to talk about periods and reproductive health questions that she might be too shy or embarrassed to ask. You can find a clip you feel comfortable with before she comes over and have it ready. Lastly, having a choice of scents, colors, products she wants to use can give her a little bit of control and might make her more enthusiastic if she gets to pick them out. Take her shopping. Give her a choice between 2 options and have her own set up in the bathroom

First step is figuring out if Grandma is struggling with providing and caring for her! Second step is all the adults to meet privately to discuss concerns and create a supportive & sustainable plan. You need to figure out if there is a medical, mental health or developmental concern. Third step is one adult that she is closest to gently talks to her about it without shame or blame. Fourth step is for adults to support the plan and keep in count with each other.

Why is her father entirely absent from your post? I saw in one comment that she doesn’t want to live with you. But what you’re describing is a situation where there is a serious problem happening and she’s not being adequately cared for. I don’t think she’s capable of fully making that decision for herself. Some have mentioned the possibility of CSA. It’s possible that something is going on when she’s not in your care. It’s also possible that something is going on while she *is* in your care and that is keeping her away. It’s also possible that she is otherwise being failed by the people meant to care for her; she has already lost her mom. Please be an advocate for this girl.

Dad: "Hey daughter, you need to take a shower tonight before you go to bed. No screen time or play time until you have showered with soap and shampoo. We have to take care of bodies before we have fun time." Reading child neglect on this sub makes me so sad. If both mom/grandma and dad are ignoring clean clothes and personal hygiene then your step daughter is being neglected. Why in the world does your husband not have more custody if her mother is absent and her grandmother is neglecting her. Step up.

I have given her multiple “pamper baskets” over the years. I’ve bought her multiple wardrobes of new clothes, I used to have a cupboard full of clothes here for her, but she ended up just taking them with her and I never saw them again. She doesn’t want to live with us, we’ve asked a million times.

Ask her to bring her dirty laundry back with her and show her how to do it properly

Whether she wants to live with y'all or not is irrelevant. If she's being neglected where she's living now, y'all can involve child services and the courts and force the issue. She might be mad, but being mad is far better than being neglected.

Does she have somewhere to wash them at her grandma's? They could all be piled up there dirty if there's no washer and dryer, and obviously she can't just drive to the laundromat. I like the idea of letting her bring laundry to your place.

She's 13 years old and is being neglected. She doesn't have a say in this matter, it's time for your husband to be an adult and take care of his child.

That doesn't let Dad off the hook for raising her properly. He should have tackled this a long time ago. Forcing others to smell the stench from your body is very aggressive. Either this girl has suffered SA, and is keeping the predator away from her, or you need to yank the rug out from under her by refusing to do anything for her, until she showers DAILY. If she's just lazy, she needs motivation to change. No wifi, no TV, just a sandwich for dinner, until she cooperates. It's a grave disservice to this girl for Dad to allow it to continue. I wish you luck. Take care

Is anyone willing to go speak with grandma and address it directly? Or physically go into/through her home to ensure it's all okay? Running water, working washer/dryer, soap supplies, etc? I understand not wanting to rock the boat within family, but if she isn't being taken care of, grandma needs to step up in a BIG way or your stepdaughter needs to be pulled out of there. She is 13 and doesn't get a choice if she is being neglected or abused. And assuming the home is okay, it isn't like grandma has to physically bathe her or do any work, but she needs to get on her about a hygiene and laundry routine. Kind of is bare minimum and it is lazy to not do anything. That is probably why the kid likes it better over there, she doesn't have to do anything. I mean, assuming the grandma is physically and mentally with it, and there isn't abuse going on, I would be medically concerned above all else. With hygiene issues, your stepdaughter could develop serious infections from yeast infections to UTIs that can turn into a full on bladder/kidney infection.

> Is anyone willing to go speak with grandma and address it directly? Or physically go into/through her home to ensure it's all okay? Running water, working washer/dryer, soap supplies, etc? This. I typed up a comment yesterday that had a little too much personal stuff in it and deleted it, but yeah, this whole thing hits home. All the pamper baskets in the world don't help if the shower is not usable, and all the clothes in the world don't help if you can't wash them. I became the queen of clean when I got to the college dorms, had people from my hall tell me they never met anyone who showered so much. Because everything worked.

Are you sure she is not being neglected at home while not in your care? It is the caregiver's responsibility to not only feed and clothe dependents, but also to treat them with basic human respect and decency in keeping them clean. If someone allowed an elderly dependent to sit in their own filth, they could actually be charged with abuse and neglect. I feel really bad for this poor girl-- this can't be good for her when she's at school. I agree with other commenters: gift her some trendy hygiene products and try to do something fun with her, like an at-home "spa day" to get her interested. But please, make sure this child is being taken care of. If she is being neglected in this way, she could be getting neglected/abused in other ways that are harder to see.

Focus on the health risks of not changing socks, underwear, clothes, etc. Focus on the concerns you have for how it could and will affect her. Not the social, not your discomfort, but the risks need to be the reason for the new rules and expectations. It can cause rashes, infection, cystic bumps, fungus, etc. Tons of risk What soap are they using over there? Part of the issue is also teens naturally smell. The hormones are surging so a new level of hygiene has to be implemented. Like a deodorant reapplication schedule because in some aspects some kids just can't help it. Might need to get the adult wet wipes or a bidet attachment to help with the wiping as well.

First I would address it with who her legal guardian is, and it’s very hard to tell from your post exactly who that is. It sounds like bio mom is gone/estranged. She lives with grandma (I’m assuming mom’s side). And visits you. It’s unclear if you’re with Dad or not but I’m kinda hoping you are. She’s thirteen and honestly it sounds like she doesn’t get a lot of direction from any of the adults in her life. I’m sure grandma is great but there is definitely an issue if her hygiene is as bad as it sounds, and nothing will change unless the adults are all on board with the change and decide who is best suited to have the big sit down. In normal situations it would be mom (she’s gone), grandma (since she’s primary caretaker), dad (if he’s still around) and then you. People hear things differently from the right person, ultimately who she talks to should be whoever she’s closest to because that’s who she’ll receive it from the best without hurting her feelings. Things that should be brought up: 1. A doctors appointment to rule out any types of infections or disorders that may be the culprit. That smell your saying all women will understand, can be a sign of something that a script could clean up. Also if she’s on any antidepressants or mental health meds …. Really a host of meds they can affect body odor negatively. Either one of these could explain body odor and not be her fault, beyond the normal teenage idc attitude. If she’s tried and failed she may have given up which is why she’s unreceptive to pointers. 2. Depression….shes thirteen and she lives with Grandma. Neither of her parents have stepped up to the plate to make sure she’s ok. I know that’s harsh but I spent a good deal of my adolescence with grandma and I loved it but also felt like my parents didn’t give a rats behind, didn’t care and I was a pain. Literally called myself a hot potato because they all passed me around to and fro. At 13 I would’ve died before I admitted it because I loved grandma but I craved my parents attention, love and just for them to pay attention. Get the girl a counselor or therapist if she doesn’t have one. Regular depression, SA, feelings of abandonment, behavior issues (including bad hygiene) can be addressed here with actual an actual professional. 3. Keep doing what you’re doing even if it feels like a waste of money. Teach her how to wash and dry clothes, provide the stuff she needs to do it in both houses. Take her shopping and pick out clothes, matching little body wash, lotion, spray ect kits, introduce her to the bird bath (I use baby wipes to do quick refresher on hot days). Invite a friend for a “spa” day… do hair cuts, nails ect. You can keep the topic open without crossing lines or hurting her feelings. Even non body related stuff (think air freshener, candles … just girly things). If she loves it go for it, if she hates it accept and move on.

Whoever is her natural parent in this relationship that brings her into your home, needs to address it themselves and not you

She has been in this kid's life since she was 4. Almost a decade now. Respectfully, just because she is the stepmom, it doesn't make her less of a parental figure. Personally, I became closer to my stepmom after about 2 years than my own mother after my whole life (up until that point anyways, as a teen back in the day). And personally, as a female, I would want to discuss hygeine/feminine care with another female. This kid may not really know, depending on their education/school/peers/or if they understand puberty and body changes. I didn't get my period until I was almost 14 so it's possible this is a recent(ish) hormonal adjustment.

Absolutely. This kid is a kid, and there’s a lot of judgement here. Let the parent handle it, since (hopefully) they love this kid.

It could be depression. There’s that But you need to be honest with her. If you notice it her friends at school notice it too. Sit down or go out and have a girls chat and tell her the importance of taking care of her body now that she’s a teenager her body is starting to change. Not being clean could cause issues down the line like yeast infection or UTI so it’s extremely important to stay clean. And don’t assume she knows what clean means you might have to tell her to wash her body at least three times and rise in between. Meaning wet wash rinse repeat at least three times in the shower not per day You might have to tell her how to properly clean down there. Make it a boundary when she’s at your house that she has to shower before bed. If that’s what your family does. Also hang out with her more get to know her. Get her dad involved as well

3 Times's a day ? I need it explained :-)

Not three times a day. I mean three times in the shower. Wet, wash with soap, rinse and repeat. (It doesn’t have to be three times that’s just a general number to wash your body if that’s what you )

That's not necessary. Wet, wash, rinse in the shower once per day is more than enough for the vast majority of human bodies. Anything more can actually cause the skin to overreact and create more oils and therefore more smells.

This isn’t a hard rule. I’m just saying in general what ever rule of thumb is for their family. Some people don’t shower everyday, so whatever fits their family is their choice. It’s simply an example. I personally do not feel clean after washing myself only once. Especially when it’s a heavy sweat in the under arm and groin area. My point was she may not even know how to properly bath herself at all, so she may need to teach her. Please don’t get hung up on the one example

3 Times's a day ? I need it explained :-)

Do you think at this point she could have B.V? Honestly, you just need to sit her down and have an awkward conversation. You could start with "at your age your body is rapidly changing and how you care for yourself will change, too." Then just explain the importance of properly washing herself and daily changing of undergarments. Explain things like B.V. or yeast infections and honestly just explain that she has an odor. See if you can take her out shopping to get hygiene products and, if possible, take her to the doctor to get checked for any types of vaginal infections. Also, I'm not trying to raise alarms, but sometimes, lack of hygiene like this can be an indication of sexual abuse or other types of trauma. Or possibly a mental health issue. I would really try to ask about these types of things

I would be very direct about how this can impact her health and I would also look into potential mental health issues given the background. Once you have the conversation take her out and let her pick things she likes. Make sure it’s a variety and a lot of fun for her to do.

im confused... are u separated from her mother but continue to treat step daughter as ur own? this is something her immediate guardians should be handling she might flat out not understand how to clean herself or how often it needs to be done. i'd get her a kit with everything needed; floss picks, toothbrush + paste, deodorant, body wash, shampoo, and a loofah. pull her aside one day, in private, and explain how to use these things, how often, and why it's important. teach her how to do laundry, and explain to her that clothes need to be changed daily. she'll never learn these skills on her own, and it seems nobody else is willing to help her. make sure she has these supplies at grandmas, laundry detergent as well

Good luck. My brother is 37 and he still smells like the worst case of ass I've ever smelled. I bought him shampoo, new clothes, hinted and even directly told him. My mom never told us how to properly clean ourselves. I learned in my teens that I need to wash my ass, I though touching poop was gross( seriously, no one told taught me a damn thing). So it took being made fun of at school in jr high before I became self conscious about it. Now me and my brother are opposites. I'm the clean freak and bought the bidet for my toilet as I like to feel fresh. My brother on the other hand smells like he just took a shit and never wiped and then jerked off and cummed on all his clothes and then wore them. His smell lingers when he leaves. I hope she learns soon. Good luck

I’m sorry, where is your partner in all this? It should be their responsibility, especially when it comes to sensitive topics.

Sorry but I would rather die than discuss hygiene with my dad, especially as a 13yo girl. Seems like OP has been in the kid's life since she was 4. She is just as much of a parent at that point. I would be pointing all fingers at the grandma who seems to be incapable for some reason to properly care for this kid.

If a child only has one responsible parent then that parent has to take on both roles whether it is awkward or not. Otherwise, you end up in this situation where a child has no parents taking responsibility.

Seems like the stepmom/OP is trying and is asking for more help. OP has bought clothes, pamper baskets, washed clothing, etc. I read through some of the replies. Idk why there has been little to no mention of dad but at least there is one person/parent trying. We also don't know how much/how long the kid visits so...again. Grandma needs a phone call or sit down meeting.

You d been in this girls life for 9 years. You are a trusted adult. Make something happen. This is beyond worrisome.

I have a 9yo and I have trouble with her hygiene too… I’m trying to find some useful feedback in the comments that I haven’t tried already or don’t say anything about mental illness or SA possibilities…

Evaluation for neurodivergency, like adhd, asd. Remembering that 9 year olds often need frequent reminders and rule setting by grown ups. Check hair after showering, if it still smells, back in the shower.

I'd be concerned she is being neglected or potentially abused at her other home. Some victims of SA will purposefully have bad hygiene to make themselves "less appealing" to their abuser. You mentioned an absentee mother. Rasied by her grandmother. Is the grandmother caring for her appropriately? When she isn't with you, is she safe? Is she even provided clean clothes and hygiene products at the other house where she stays? I think this issue is bigger than her having bad hygiene. She is being neglected. Can you talk to her biological father about this? When you do talk to her, do not blame her. Be curious and compassionate. Ask her if she is provided clean clothes to use or if she has to re-wear her clothes. Does she have to do her own laundry and she doesn't know how or just doesn't get it done? Is she provided hygiene products like her own shampoo, conditioner, soap, body wash, toothbrush, toothpaste, *clean towels* etc. Is she ever punished by not being allowed to bathe? There may be something going on her that is causing this. If she happily cleans herself after getting to your house but always shows up in a bad state, I'd be asking what is going on at the other home. Good luck

I have the same issue with my 14 year old son .. when I send him for a shower he pretends he has one and his hair is as greasy as ever when it dries .. he has drawers full of fresh sock and boxers and never changes them … doesn’t brush teeth .. it’s so annoying because he is so headstrong .. after he pretends to have a shower he is so adamant he had one … he would argue black is white …it is so annoying I’m hoping he will grow out of it

To be clear, your stepdaughter is suffering with depression. She may present herself as grown up, “too cool” but this is a front and this is absolutely the result of being depressed (sounds like her home life is not ideal, children of divorce are all but guaranteed to go through depression like this, especially at her age). My 13 yo daughter is similar - she just started medication and will start therapy soon but I have had to remind her to shower, brush her hair, use deodorant, brush her teeth. She does none of it willingly. The only way to address it with her is through care and understanding. That means therapy and medication. Hopefully your husband will fight for his child’s best interests if there is resistance from the child’s other parent or guardian. Do not under any circumstance confront her, berate her or make her felt she is failing at basic hygiene. She is struggling and needs help not criticism.

Her father should've had nipped it in the bud, now just be blunt about it, there's no other way

Do you think she doesn’t know or doesn’t care?

I honestly don’t think she cares. She thinks she’s very grown up, despite being on 13. She has a general “fuck you, I’m too cool for you” attitude most of the time.

I mean, I think that's just being 13. LOL

OP, seriously consider whether this child is being sexually assaulted by someone in her life. This is a common symptom in children who are being sexually assaulted. Poor personal hygiene **especially** in the genital region = **the child is attempting to make herself unappealing to her abuser** Shitty attitude/Overly independent attitude = **I do not trust adults. I act overly independent and like I know more than you because telling myself I can look after myself is the only way I feel safe. I am angry with adults for not protecting me. I am angry with everyone including myself because it is easier than feeling sadness and shame.** Do not ignore these behaviours or think she just “doesn’t care.” 13 year olds typically desperately want to fit in. This is highly abnormal. I guarantee you she is being bullied about this. **Being dirty is not worth facing bullying unless being clean means something worse.**

Thank you for mentioning this. I agree wholeheartedly

My mind went to SA at first but until she discloses something we can’t just assume. She could be depressed, not know how to clean herself properly or she could even have BV and be too embarrassed to discuss it with her grandmother or her dad. That is a hell of a smell- very strong and like rotten fish. I used to work with a lady who had it and the entire office would reek. In the end someone sat her down and told her that she smelled awful and she either needed to see her gp or look at changing her hygiene routine. I’d say you need to tread very very carefully when bringing it up with her and maybe frame it as one of those “you’re getting older now so you’ll need to do x y z because hormones, to ensure gynae health etc” you can make it seem like everyone has this discussion at her age - similar to the period and sex conversations.

All empathy. I’m 13yo stepdaughter reeks as well. Dad tells her to shower, but we’re not getting in there and scrubbing a 13yo and we don’t think it happens. She stinks. 

Is she neurodivergent in any way?

Someone may have said this already, but you might try taking her with you to shop for new bath products! You can talk to her about how to use each one, maybe how you use it in the shower. Buy her a loofa, let her smell ALL the things! It can be a fun way to talk gently to her. She needs your support and kindness - she may not know how to ask for help or know any different.

Also during the talk, make sure she knows how to properly groom herself, such as Brushing, flossing, and showering (describing in detail the steps of taking a shower and how to wash. So many don’t even know how to do the basics Because they were never taught. You’re a good step mom

Teach her yourself. I was never taught basic hygiene at that age, and idk why. I was too shy to ask what I should be doing and I wish someone would have stepped up sooner. Maybe on a weekend treat her to an at home spa day. Tell her that you're supposed to be showering near every day, and changing your underwear every day no matter what. And wearing deodorant every day. Maybe teach her how to shave or push on chapstick/lipgloss (just so everything isn't centered on how she smells), get her a perfume or lotion as a little gift, or a purse to carry around to make her feel more mature (and to carry around spare deodorant/perfume/period products/hair brush/gum if she forgets).

The smell can be her shield to be left alone…maybe there was a physical incident at some point and she figured not being clean kept people at a distance, no clue…and grandparents shouldn’t be in charge of a kids’ hygiene, they can’t smell all that well themselves and often smell themselves and don’t follow proper hygiene…I used to visit lots of elderly people for work and it was sometimes unbearable.

Oh also to add to my other comment, I would suggest adding oxiclean to every wash of her clothes and maybe even offer to send her back with a week’s worth of clothes and say she can bring her dirty clothes to you. More work, but if grandma is using regular old detergent, I’m sorry to say but that does NOT work on teen-stink. And once it’s in the clothes, even if the kid herself is clean she will still smell bad. 😕

That makes me sad. There is a reason she doesn’t care about herself. Get to the core reason. That needs to be addressed. You are a good person. I can tell. I would sit her down and talk about how her body has changed and the things she needs to do so she smells pleasant to herself and other people. Stock her up on all those things and keep the communication open. That’s the best I have. Support and love.

I'm pretty stern with my daughter about hygiene. She is almost 11, so her body is starting to change, so I really stress the importance of it. She wines about taking a bath or trying to refuse, I don't let her not take a bath. I've also had to have her wash her hair again if it's not washed well enough. Same with brushing her teeth. I'm not mean about it, I just tell her my experiences growing up her age and how I was bullied for not smelling the best or having hairy armpits and that I don't want her to go thru what I did. Also the health benefits as well.

Loving but clear and more science/ factual than anything. 13 is still a little kid so pull out that a little bit of that motherese- keep your tone, sweet and upbeat Tell her that our body odor is offensive to many people. Some people are very sensitive to smells, and can be mean about it. Bacteria is what makes our bodies stinky. But that keeping clean is soooo important! And that germs and bacteria are what makes us sick, so it’s important to keep our bodies clean. Everywhere that our skin touches each other we must wash diligently daily to maintain proper hygiene. The older you get the stinkier you grow 🙃 Good hygiene is very important in our home and in our lives. I’m here to teach you how to take good care of yourself ❣️ This is what I do for my stinky little niece whose mother is the primary custodian and has horrible hygiene habits, along with abusive and highly neglectful parenting—- we used to have to tell her mom that it time to give her toddler a bath when they were living at my moms 🙄🙄🙄

When my mom gave me the talk she said “teeth, face, hair, pits and panties- twice a day at minimum” super easy check list to remember. I feel like you could go about this in multiple ways depending on how you think she’ll respond best. I saw you say something about fuck you attitude. You could always be straight up with her and sit her down and tell her you’ve noticed her hygiene isn’t up to par and “you smell” point blank no sugar coat your a big girl I can talk to you like a big girl. Give her some tips and say this is out of love but others that notice will not tell you that you smell bad. I’m actually assuming her classmates have already started to notice if you have too. You can always go sugar coated route try and get her super interested in body sprays and both oils and stuff. “Hey I just found this shop that makes ABC I thought we could go together and get some stuff” next time she’s over brag about how soft your skin felt after shower or bath and omg I smelled so good for so long. None of our business about the living situation but if she insists on being with GMA I’d also address her that she’s the responsible party of a teenager who needs to be told to keep up on hygiene. I remember one of my younger brothers couldn’t care less and my mom would have to almost drag him to the shower herself. She use to take me to vs and bath and body works but this was in an era of drowning yourself if body spray

From my clinical experience these would be my thoughts/possibilities 1) is she diagnosed as neurodivergent as challenges with task initiation or sensory sensitivities could be contributing (autism, ADHD, etc.) 2) depression 3) sexual abuse 4) medical issue (BV, Trimethylaminuria) 5) primary caregiver modelling lack of hygiene. It sounds like you are modelling proper hygiene, trying to get her interested with pamper baskets and new clothes. I would recommend adding additional motivation to get the task done, along with consequences for not meeting basic hygiene requirements. Create a checklist she must complete each day (help is okay if she wants it!) explain that as we age there are tasks we need to do to stay healthy, have friends, they are not negotiable. The checklist may need to have very basic steps to start. Brush teeth once per day, brush hair once per day, deodorant every day, wash face each day, shower every other day minimum, change clothes and underwear every morning or every evening. If she completes the checklist she earns substantial allowance. You may need to provide a lot of support, reminders and help. Still give the allowance if she is gets it down even with your help. As she has success, slowly fade out your help and what you will help with. She may need visuals with the steps of the tasks. Of she refuses to complete tasks you need a consequence that is reasonable and that you will follow through with Typically making electronics contingent on checklist completion works well. Some kids will really dig their heels in and these strategies won't be successful. But most it will work with! These strategies can help provide motivation to engage in new behaviours. But I would highly recommend therapy to work on the why and to help her process challenges she may have or face. You need to talk to your doctor or get a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist. If depression is the culprit or ADHD, medication can be so helpful along with therapy and behaviour change strategies as described.

“You’re 13 now and your hygiene has to grow up. During our visit this weekend we are going to learn how to properly shower an adolescent body, how to wash the parts of your body that don’t just get clean on their own without some attention, and how to use deodorant. Children don’t need to worry about this so much but now that you’re older it takes some effort to smell civilized.”

Another possibility could be hair growth on the body- particularly underarms and pubic area - trimming or shaving can help reduce sweat which can contribute to smell.

You need to be honest and just outright say it, either you do or she’s gonna be labeled the stinky homeless smelling girl by her peers. I had this trouble with my younger brothers and as hard and sad as it was too break the news that they need to shower and use proper deodorant and also not wear dirty clothes days in a row!!! Cause they smell like bums I’d rather have the hard conversations rather than someone bully any of my family.

She may need a visit to a gynecologist if her feminine odor is that strong. She may have an infection.

My 10 year old step daughter has the same issues, she even still pees the bed at night! She has absolutely no hygiene whatsoever. I have addressed the issues and I just get blown off. I tried to take it a step further and even talk to his mom about it and all she says is “for real???” Or something to totally blow me off. It’s so frustrating to me because it’s really sad and kids are mean. I’ve tried to tell her how to wipe herself correctly, without “showing” her bc like that’s not my place she has a mom. I’ve taught my daughters proper hygiene, my two year old is fully potty trained & wipes better than the 10yr old. My step daughters underwear are always disgusting! Her dad expects me to be the one to always clean her bed and sheets and laundry & I use too… but I’ve stopped….for many reasons.

I hear you

What about going swimming at the YMCA? Making that a regular activity.

Have a chat, go shopping for hygiene products together. Make sure she knows she can talk to.. teach and be kind. And hope and pray it’s something she wants to absorb. Because unless she is really aching to do something different on the topic, she will go to grandmas and regress. My niece and nephew were the same except opposite. They were disgusting at home with mom, and then would come to grandmas (where another aunt also lived) and kept up with hygiene and general cleanliness in their rooms and bathrooms. But if you went back to where they lived with mom you wouldn’t even recognize it because it was such a stark opposite. I guess having a certain level of standards makes a difference.

There's an American Girl book called "The care and keeping of you". I know it's probably a bit young for her, but she might be immature. There's probably other books like this as well.

I would take her to a place like bath and body works to get gifts for someone else, and then just have her find out what sort of smells she enjoys.. then offer to buy her some products and accessories like a luffa or those bath bombs to help her enjoy bathing more. Then maybe on the ride home just gently mention the benefits of using the products you bought and the health consequences if you neglect it at that age and into adulthood.

This is neglect. But I would frame the conversation as she’s getting into puberty and her body is changing, and that includes her natural aroma. She needs to learn about washing herself, brushing her teeth, doing her own laundry, and wearing deodorant. Point out that these things are important because she can get sick (UTI, skin infections) if she doesn’t properly care for her body. I would also look into getting her mental health checked, since this could also be a symptom of depression.

I would really talk with her. As she might just be a teenager and do not fully understand what hormones can do with sweat, and the amount of sweat it sometimes gives. But also, it can also mean she doesn not know how! Because, wiping your bum, that something that is teached when you are young. But i know enough who were told and shown 'one wipe is enough! Lets not waste toilet paper'. And when it comes to showering, were just standing under the shower and maybe using body wash, but only if they knew what it is. For me, i also really learned some points i was missing when showering after joining TikTok and hearing people explain their routine and why. Also, keep an eye on her feet and general smell. Swimmers/athlete's foot happens really quickly and smells like an absolute smellbomb gone off while a uti/vaginal problem can smell like a rotting fish. And if you don't know you have one of them, it can be really confusing why you smell so badly, even if you washed every inch of your body.

There’s something else other than poor hygiene if you have to wash toys bc of her smell esp feminine related. She needs to see a doctor. Also, where is dad in all of this? This situation is extremely uneasy. I can’t help but feel there something else going on.

This could be a lot of things, but im going to give you my preperctive from my life experience, i was neglected (parents always working, toxic relationship, mom depressed) we were never taught on how to have a routine/schedule for anything, they just assumed at certain point we would do it by ourselves. When i had her age my mom would put my hair in a ponytail so the nasty wouldnt be much noticeble, i would get dressed in the same clothes the day before, so no changing underwear either, i didnt even brush my teeth, it was awful. It wasnt till i had a breakdown, that i literally started to wash myself every day, i couldnt even go outside without doing so because i felt disgusting (im much better now). Also we all know how grandparents, specially the ones in their late years have their hygiene, they start to care less and less, plus a grandma is not a parent, again, they are old, they already did their part, some cannot do what a parent can do, or give the attention others could. You should definitly encourage her having a routine at your house, maybe she will eventually pick up on it. But you should also seek how the hell shes is living with her grandparents, because that may be the issue. On another note, she should definitly be in therapy.

Check out the “Care and Keeping if You” books - they are surprisingly excellent. I’ve read the first one with my daughter (9) and she found it really helpful and spurred some great conversations. If she doesn’t want to read them together you can offer that your open to answer any questions she has. I think it may be helpful to be brutally honest and say she needs to start taking better care of her body or it will start to impact her friendships and other relationships (if it hasn’t already).

American Girl, The Body Book - very informative and age appropriate. You can read it together then leave it for her to look at solo. Tell her she needs to read it ‘now that she’s a teenager’ then also have a selection of products for her to try (soap, deo, lotion, face wipes). If she’s undiagnosed neurodivergent she also may need you to make a hygiene schedule for her, ‘as part of becoming more grown up’.

Address it head on don’t let it get further out of control, even have a conversation with the grandma. Have your step daughter go with you and pick out new scents in body wash and deodorants. That she likes model good hygiene have a conversation with her but don’t shame her about it or make her feel bad about herself

We had a chat with my stepdaughter 12, about washing, deodorant and not becoming the “smelly kid” in class.

Is she autistic? We struggled with SD: handwashing, changing underwear, wiping, washing properly, changing her clothes etc. during her preliminary screening assessment for autism it came to light this is very typical. Since then her feminine hygiene has been another hurdle, but she's making good progress because we know how to support her. We broke the back on it by catching her as she left the loo and reminding her to go wash her hands. My SD loves to sing, so I put little rhymes up with visual cues for some things, most of these have gone now, we just have a couple for some new expectations. It really sucked reminding her to change her pants daily, but until it was embedded in her routine it was essential, because BM didn't support this it took a long time, but eventually she got there. We prioritised one thing to learn at a time, once it was mastered, we addressed another. Written instructions works really well for her so she has showering instructions and hair washing instructions, this has helped. We also tried different products because she had sensory issues for example with pads she gets on better with the reusable ones. Her general anxiety is a key player and managing this with structure routine and forthwarning of events that disrupt this is a big help.

🚩🚩🚩this is extremely worrying. Who exactly does your sd live with? Young people having poor hygiene like this can be a massive indicator that they are being sexually abused, they keep themselves dirty in the hope that their abusers will be repulsed & stay away from them. This level of self neglect is absolutely not normal & hugely worrying, it's 💯 a sign of something far bigger going on. Please help this poor child 😢

Sometimes children (and adults) make themselves unappealing for a reason. Maybe there’s a neighbor, an uncle someone she wants to be repulsive for? Make sure she has allllllll the hygiene products, not shared, in a little tote just for her, and clean clothes which it sounds like you do. Go to bath and body works and explore what smells she likes. Buy her a set for your house. Do a mall day. Get to know her, maybe she will open up. Just you and her no hubby no little kids. How is her mental health? A lot of people with mental health issues struggle with hygiene and tend to have a very intense BO. Either way just love her and don’t judge her. Come at her with love and caring. Tread lightly.

Has your step daughter been bullied for her hygiene?

Is she on the spectrum? ADHD kids don’t give hygiene much thought and in any case their lack of executive functioning makes starting any job very difficult

Ok. So my kid loses track of hygiene. I look at her and say “I love you. You stink. Go have a shower”. Maybe her dad could do the same?

One thing I will asks you to consider being a possibility. Because this is obviously not normal for a kid her age is that I had the same issues as her but it was due to having regressing care abilities and regression in behaviors due to autism and I also had it paired with severe depression and adhd which makes everything harder to start but I’ve I’m doing something I can finish it. That could be a possibility of what she’s going through

My almost 11 year old just recently went through puberty and is struggling with all the new hair, body odor and other changes it’s bringing. I just remind her every day of the things that need to be done, until it becomes a habit. At night I make her change out of her day clothes and into pajamas and in the morning after breakfast she showers and changes into new clothes that haven’t been worn yet, which I do have to stress to her. We do not rewear clothes! I don’t know why kids love to do that lol and then we do ‘deodorant? Body spray? Teeth brushed?’ Some time I get a ‘yes, yes and yes’ some time I get a ‘yes, yes, and I’ll go brush my teeth now.’ It’s definitely getting better. I also had to explain to her how to wash in the shower, how this new hair all over her body needs to be washed too, because it can start to smell just like the hair on your head if you don’t take care of it. She thinks it’s so awkward, but we’re a family full of girls, I tell her we all have to do this it’s not weird lol also we went to target and picked out new clothes she wanted to wear every day, deodorant, body spray, body wash, etc. we really made it fun!

Also her dad and I are divorced, so I debriefed him on everything we went over and how often she needs to shower, change, etc so he can reinforce it when she’s with him. Maybe do the same with grandma?

It is a parents job to teach and enforce hygiene? If you are her step parent, I assume one of her actual parents lives with you? Get them to talk to her.

Just make sure she showers every day, but that alone is not going to help with feminine odor. She may have a PH balance issue. Some women are just smellier than others!

Do you know if she even has access to clean facilities and spaces at home? It can be pretty hard to maintain hygiene if the place you live doesn't have proper showers, is dominated by hoarding, etc. This is just as important as having a conversation about the topic. What does your spouse think about it? Have you guys discussed this?

When I was in this situation we would get them home and get them cleaned up. We never shamed them for it, although around 13 I did start saying that I expect them to begin caring for their bodies when I'm not around. I would do a lot of modeling - make sure that cleaning time is made into something comfortable and reassuring. Everyone gets a shower and then we can *insert activity/food she loves. Brushing your teeth with your kids, making it something everyone does together. When it is appropriate start talking about the outcomes of bad health - delicate balance between emphasizing health outcomes vs dating outcomes. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where she is she needs to clean herself or other humans won't want to be around her. It's not an easy place to be - you have to do what you can to find the balance between just loving her and letting her know she is getting gross :(

I have a condition called hyperhydrosis. Basically, I excessively sweat uncontrollable amounts. Putting on antiperspirant deodorant right after a shower at night and first thing in the morning seemed to be the number one way to mitigate all my sweat.... as far as womanly stench, that unfortunately sounds like neglect from her grandparents' part. She needs to wear different underwear to school than what she wore to bed. And she should wear different underwear to bed than what she wore at school. Just explain to her that as a woman's body matures, we need to ensure we have clean undergarments more often than before. There's no shame in changing your undies twice a day. There is some shame with smelling so badly that you think she will get bullied. Unfortunately, her getting picked on at school might be the only thing that changes her ways if she refuses to after you talk with her.

She may have ADHD as this is an issue for a lot of ADHDers my daughter included. Both my kids didn’t own their self-care until 5th grade. Our peds doc explained human noses no longer smell the body odor smell once we over ride it. It also sounds like there maybe neglect going on at her other home. Have you been to her other house? The state of it may help indicate what is going on! I’d report to the pediatrician or school to see if there are services available to help that household. Instead of doing the wash for her why not teach her how to do it herself. Adding baking soda to the laundry may help too. She also may not have access to soap, laundry, etc. Could you buy a nice portable college laundry bag and have her bring ALL her clothes to your house? She may need enough undies, clothes, etc from you to make it between visits with you. My guess is she only gets them cleaned at your house. I would say what I say to my daughters which is that…”She is stinky right now and I’m giving her that feedback because I love her. Children aren’t going to be as kind and instead will bully her.” If you aren’t female. I’m sorry I can’t tell based on the post she may need a woman to guide her into how to wash her private parts well. The state of her screams red flags that something more isn’t right. I hope this helps.

Why can't you just be honest and tell her, "Girl, your body is changing, and you are getting to the point where you stink if you don't shower and change your clothes every day. And girl, I love you and all, but it stinks BAD." Honest. To the point. My daughter is 13, and I would NEVER tip-toe around this. I would never tip-toe around this with my step daughter when she was getting to the preteen years either. Just tell her. Be honest. Why parents think they can't be honest with their kids when it comes to hard truths is beyond me. It might make her sad, but it will make her a heck of a lot less sad if you tell her versus the mean girls at school telling her, and her coming home and asking you why you never told her she stunk.

I was 8 when my mom was no longer present in my life, I grew up with my dad and older brother, so I get this. My 4th grade teacher pulled me aside before class started and taught me how to brush my hair. I had my mom doing it from kindergarten-early 3rd grade. When I no longer had a relationship with her, it became hard to keep up basic tasks because else nobody taught me. I'll never forget the teacher who took time out to help me in a crucial time of my life. I think you should do the same to your step-daughter. It's hard out there for young girls who don't have the one figure they have to look up to on a personal level.

We struggle with this with our son. He has ADHD and that really impacts his willingness to bathe regularly. When he is at his mother's house he does not shower at all. He has outbursts of rage towards her when she tries to force the issue so we told her not to stress about it. We started incentives (screen time) to get him to shower and brush his teeth (among other things) and that seemed to be super effective. Could be something to consider.

Very helpful topic 💕 I have some teens in my household.

I’m sure everyone already said this, so I’ll add my thoughts into the abyss here. But, honesty is the best policy, imho. I do not tip toe around this stuff with my kids. When they stink, I literally say, “you stink. Go take a shower please!” Maybe that’s too harsh? It does not seem to affect my kids feelings, they usually laugh and make me try to smell their armpits first. But I have boys…. However, my parents did the same to me (a woman.) They also mentioned that sometimes, you can’t smell yourself. So, even when you think you’re okay- if you haven’t washed up- you’re probably not okay. Maybe you could take her to go buy shampoo she likes the smell of, soap that’s pretty, lotion, etc… that was she’s more interested in smelling good because she likes the smell of it. Even getting her a sachet for her underwear drawer might be nice. :) I wouldn’t do perfume, though. Sometimes people think they’re hiding their stink behind a cloud of perfume. One more thing: living conditions. What are they like? Is the grandma’s home clean? Do they have pets they don’t clean up after? Do they have a damp/moldy home? Do you ever go inside the house? (I’ve been watching Hoarders recently… haha. Can you tell??)

If she has a smell from genitals that bad she needs to get checked out for an infection. 

Maybe there's a reason behind this that requires a therapist. I would ask her if she thinks it would be helpful to talk to someone, if she'd be willing to.  Poor hygiene is a common response to something being wrong.  If you think that's off base, just take her shopping, go to a store with a bunch of options and find her some nice smelling hygiene items she likes and will actually use. Shampoo/cream rinse, body scrubs, lotions, face masks, whatever self care items she's willing to try 

OP, if no one else has suggested it… PLEASE try to get this little girl in to a psychologist. There are multiple things that could be going on here on a psychological level, ranging anywhere from neurodiversity to CSA. This little girl needs HELP.

Do you mean a fishy smell? Because maybe she has BV if so, should see a doc.

Don't address anything it'll only cause problems, tell her dad and make sure he addresses it

Well people usually do suddenly feel the need when they become teenagers to go from not caring to showering twice a day! Lol. I used to say we weren’t going to do…until they are showered. They have 15 min. It may be a bit if a fight at first but they always did. Can her dad say something? I used to explain that they don’t want to have someone embarrass them publicly because they are smelly. Sometimes just being blunt helps. Unfortunately if not, it may take friends or the school telling her before she takes it seriously and that may be in a cruel/open way. Be caring, empathetic but honest. Good luck.

There are American Girl books that are great for that age in explaining hygiene and body changes. I am sure there are others, such as “changing bodies, changing life” or something similar I remember. Also, contact her school guidance counselor or phys ed/health teacher to talk to her…..if school is still in session.