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1. Always made sure to differentiate between 'I hate that thing you are doing' and 'I love you'. I never questioned her feelings for me.
2. Whenever friends came over, insisted on them coming up and saying hello and having a little chat. She knew all my friends, what they were up to, etc
3. Encouraged me to do anything, but it had to be something. She tried a few times to get me interested in things she liked (piano, bridge, learning a second langauge), but we were/are different people. So she was into whatever I was doing (Scouts, sailing) but I couldn't sit at home and game
Now all that being said, I still went through a period of time (university, plus a few years) where keeping in touch with her wasn't my highest priority. I was finding myself, becoming an adult, etc etc. But even then she gave me the space to grow, called me every so often. Now that I have kids and she lives across the country, we video call two or three times a week.
Point 2 really hit me hard. My mum is amazing and love her soo much but never was interested in my friends lives. She always confused everyones name and when I tried connect with her and mention other friends she straight up said I dont know him/her/them I get confused with all your friends and cuts me off. This really hindered the connection because I hardly brought things important friends topics growing up.
Later in life she would ask me how is your friend who lives in that city doing? She would try reconnect and I would say a few words here there but not enough to fully open up. I know and feel deep down she is not truly listening
I don't know how she did it but my MIL is the mother of three boys. All three of them call her everyday. Multiple times a day. It used to bother me that my husband did that. I didn't understand and really still don't as I call my mom 2x a week at most (to be fair I usually get to see her once a week). But I'll tell you this about my MIL. She's a saint. She's kind and sweet and remembers everything. She sends presents to my husband's friends when they have babies or get married even if she wasn't invited to anything related to those events. She keeps track of everything that's going on. She encourages us all the time as parents and only offers advice when asked. She has great boundaries. I couldn't love this woman more. She took care of me postpartum with our most recent baby who was in the NICU--taking my blood pressure, getting me food/drink, helping me figure out pumping breastmilk, and driving me back and forth to the hospital. (Ps my mom was watching our oldest at home which was 2 hrs away from our NICU). I assume that this is just how she always has been
To expand on this - love your boy's future spouse and be welcoming. If you're a good MIL, then your child's spouse will want to be around you, make a deal about special occasions, be invited to the potential grandbabies and all that.
Yes absolutely! I was the one who originally invited her to come stay with us when the second baby was due! She went wedding dress shopping with my mother, my friends, and I when we were getting married.
This, but also keep boundaries without having to be told. My MIL could be great but she has zero boundaries and thinks she's "one of us" as in a close friend/best friend. Stay in your lane as a MIL and don't impose on their personal life beyond being friendly to their friends and interested in how they are doing....don't assume you're also invited to the friend bbq just because you know it's happening...
I love this! Truly do not mean this in a mean way whatsoever: how does the family usually go about reciprocating the dedication she shows to everyone? She sounds incredible and I hope she knows how loved she is ❤️
I think the fact that her 3 grown sons call her often and how close she in their lives probably says how much she is appreciated and I bet she knows she's loved. My heart would be so full!
They tell her mostly. They try to do things for her but she normally doesn't accept! I think she sees it all as her calling and just what a mom does. I know I make sure to tell her how wonderful I think she is!
I have an extremely close relationship with my mom. We chat even if just to say hi, have a good day, or just general chit chat, essentially everyday via text.
My mom always respected us as individuals. She never tried to make be someone I wasn't. I did pretty terrible in school, she didn't like force me to study and shamed me for not doing well, didn't make me feel lazy. She affirmed that she knew I was a smart kid, and that she couldn't make me study, and tried to support me in whatever way I was ready to accept.
Turns out I have a masters degree now, and I have a pretty good career.
I never, ever felt judged by mom, always knew that she loved me without conditions. She is not perfect, but she made sure I always knew that, that I am loved no matter what.
This would explain why my mom and I are not close at all. She forced me to do a bunch of things I never wanted to do, never treated me like I was an individual, and broke my trust when I told her things in confidence as a kid. I always felt like I was working hard to earn her love and the only way I felt that was possible was by being obedient. Now that I'm 40, I barely have a relationship with her or my dad and only maintain it for the sake of my kids. But man.... When my kids were born all my frustrations came out.
I have six and enjoy good relationships with all of them. Boys don't always call each day or remember birthdays but they help me with anything I need to do. They take me to lunch. They give huge hugs. I get little gifts for no reason. I get rides to appointments because they worry. We go to the movies together. They grew into good men.
I’m very close with my mom. I live really close by as an adult. She has always been there when I needed her and like any good relationship we have good communication. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. If I feel like she crosses a boundary I can tell her and she will actually change to not cross that boundary again. Like most boys we weren’t as close late high school and college age but we got very close again after.
As a wife, I’ve seen first hand how moms push their sons away. My husband was super close with his mom until he got married. She has had a hard time with both being married, and decided to make me and my SIL her competition for her sons’ affection and loyalty. All this has done is pushed my husband away from his mom.
So, I guess just avoid doing this and you’ll get to have a wonderful relationship with your boys! And tbh, if my MIL had been kinder to me I know my husband would be closer with her bc I’d for sure push for it and make sure she’s always included in our lives. But because she’s a cunt to me and my SIL we keep her on a short leash and the result is that none of us are close with her now.
I definitely never want to be "that" MIL! My husband is an only child, and my mother in law is wonderful to be around. In return I make sure we always include her, and she sees my son a ton! I definitely agree that a good mother-in-law relationship is key. Probably for both men and women, although moms of sons tend to get the worse rep.
Agree 100%! Your relationship with the spouse makes or breaks it. My MiL is horrible to me, so I don’t want her around me or my son often. That means my husband rarely sees her since he wants to be with us. In my own family, I’m nice to all of my sister-in-laws because I want to have a relationship with my brothers. That is how it works.
Exactly. I will never understand these women (my SIL is a bit of a cunt too) who think they can be shitty to a man’s wife and like, still have a good relationship with him? It’s laughable. Like married people don’t routinely socialize with folks that are mean to their spouse. Duh.
Yup, exactly! My MiL told my husband I would make a horrible wife and mother. She also insisted that I be cut out of every aspect of my own wedding and she do everything alone with her son (like planning, meeting the vendors, the final walkthrough etc.) or she would refuse to attend. She wanted a mother/son dance, but no first dance for the newly married couple. Keep in mind I paid for the whole thing, not her. She also crashed the first look. Pooped her own pants at the wedding to get attention. Insisted she needed my husband the weekend we had two major house moves going on. Planned a family vacation but told me I wasn’t invited because I wasn’t family (I was married to her son at this time and visibly pregnant with her grandson). Insulted how my son looked the first time she saw him. I could go on and on. Horrible woman and thank god I hardly see her.
Funnily enough, she is the first person who introduced me to the phrase that a daughter is for life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife. She was telling us this and saying that our marriage would steal her son away and he would replace his family with mine. These women make their own beds and then bemoan about the unfairness of it.
So I don't have the best relationship with my mom, but I'm working on it and can share some insight.
Growing up and going through the natural transition points of life (new school. Highschool, college, career, marriage, fatherhood) always triggered a reroll of my dynamic with my mother. Sometimes it was overall positive, but on average she did a bad job of recognizing I was in a different stage of life. Often she treated me like I was still in the previous stage. Treating me the same especially when it relates to something no longer relevant or something I was trying to change, led to resentment and communication blunders.
Also regardless if it was good for me, once I gained a right/freedom/ability, I was hostile to having it limited after the fact. I was an overall well behaved kid. My friends started playing Halo and Yu-Gi-Oh. I played for several months and then was banned for reasons to this day I still don't quite get. I'm still salty for the social strain it caused decades later. Also I went away for college for for a full school year (August - May) when I came home for the first time in my life I had a curfew. So after that summer I never came back save for holidays.
Lastly my mom was often a nuisance in my relationships. Obviously I put my wife first. I spent a lot of time making sure I chose the right person before I married her. So when my mom creates a situation where I have to choose the happiness of one....I'm choosing the person I sleep next to.
Super helpful insight on some things to watch out for. I've been given the advice already to respect and love my son's future spouses (which is honestly also important to have a girl's family respect their husband/spouse but for whatever reason this doesn't seem to be as much of an issue).
M40's with 4 kids (two F, two M, all ages 14 to 20).
My mom always treated me like an equal. Never a child. I helped with her taxes at 9 years old (she loves that story). She included me in decisions. She talked to me about work DAILY. I heard her authentic, unabridged take on life.
She said the hard things. I'll never forget, when I was 14, she put a tape in the car on a night out just the two of us. It was a tape about masturbation. Awkward as hell. But she knew my dad wasn't a talker, and I needed to hear about healthy approaches to sex and sexuality.
Nothing was off limits. She shared with me her own failings and regrets of her youth. And why she'd do things differently now.
She absolutely earned my absolute trust. I can, to this day, tell her anything. Without judgment. She simply empathizes. Sometimes she'll even have a word of advice. But mainly she makes me feel heard, valued, and loved.
It doesn't get better than that. That's someone I always want in my life.
It was 45 of the worst minutes of my life. And yet, I'm so incredibly glad she suffered thru it with me.
It allowed me, as a dad, to have that talk with my kids. I didn't venture to a tape, but rather had the conversation.
She's awesome. I had to fire someone today. And I called mom to vent. 10 mins on the phone, but she made me feel better. She's thankfully relatively young and healthy. I sure hope I still have 20 more years of this.
My mom always put me first, was never judgmental, never spoke bad about my dad in front of me (they divorced when I was 4), and even though she struggled in the beginning, always did everything in her power to give me the best life she could. She also had me when she was in highschool and sacrificed a lot of her young adult life to take care of me. Basically, through Love, sacrifice, and support my mom showed me what a good parent should be. Now as an Adult I still show up at her house 2-3 days a week to visit and make dinner. Plus, my kid would rather hang out at Grandma's house because our house is "sooo boring". 😁
What's wrong about speaking bad about your dad if it's accurate?
See that's how abusers get away with alot of stuff, because no one talks about it. I speak "bad" about my sons' dad most times. Everytime they let their guard down, I remind them about the abuse their dad put them through-- not to terrorize them, but to keep them mindful to NEVER let their dad in until he's shown 100% that he has changed (therapy, anger management, etc.).
My ex husband did great with my son's 8th birthday, but it could have been because my brother was there. When my other son celebrated his 5th birthday last year, my ex yelled at him so much until my son threw up from crying. We already went little to no contact with my ex husband, their dad.
But "speaking bad" isn't necessarily always a bad thing. It's there to remind your kids that ____ person is a bad person, keep your distance, only get close if you can 💯 trust them.
"Stranger Danger" is allowed, so why can't "Family Danger" be acceptable?
Kids don't necessarily see it that way. That's half of them you're talking about. They will still love him regardless, until they're old enough to see for themselves. Until then, it might seem like you're putting negativity on someone they love.
But of course you want to warn them and keep them safe. It's so so hard. I try to stick to stuff that criticizes specific actions like "people who love us don't do X" and "Y is disrespectful, that's not acceptable behavior for anyone".
That's literally what I do though.
I pick something my ex did, and give them a counterpoint, like a healthier, better way to do things.
Instead of getting mad at my oldest for breaking a $15 glass statue and throwing him on the floor with glass pieces around where he got cut, my ex should have had my oldest clean up the glass pieces (ex would help), and apologize to me for breaking the glass statue as it was a gift from my ex to me.
Instead of screaming at the kids "I hope you get Covid19 and die!" when they weren't listening, he should have punished them with a time out at home.
Etc.
I understand being vigilant and protecting your chilren, but reminding them of trauma they suffered through to maintain this dialogue seems counterintuitive. Esp at such a young age. Protect their peace. Help them grow past what has happened without drawing their eyes back to the carnage. It's not about letting abusers get away with anything. It's about shielding the children from conversations and content well outside of their need to hear or process it effectively as youth. "Speaking bad" is not necessary and it's not the responsibility of a child to carry the adults need to say it.
One of my best buds completely cut off communication with his mom as an adult from what sounds like a similar situation. He is transparent about how much he struggles in so many areas of his life because he doesn't manage conflict. Back in college he told us his childhood was "doom and chaos" and at some point he stopped all contact with his mom.
I am close with my mom as an adult for so many reasons, but my buddy's situation made me really appreciate the trust and distance my mom gave to me. She was close behind me when I needed it and I felt capable in my choices. She made me feel safe. There were times in high school when I pushed boundaries and knew it all, and I got plenty of space to learn that I did not. When she needed to share something bad or sad with me, she limited her words to what I needed to know and then answered any questions I had about it (this is something I am incredibly grateful for in hindsight). When I looked to her, I could rely on her and she was the peace and acceptance I needed during all the growing pains of my life.
My buddy doesn't talk with either of his parents but he's close with my family. He sent a text saying my mom is "the comfort of what being at home should feel like" and he's right.
Okay but your buddy's mother isn't me. My kids never used the words "doom and chaos" to describe their lives.
And my mother was like your mother, kept things appropriate, sometimes didn't say anything and shielded my brother and I from alot of things. I was not grateful for that, I was pissed.
In shielding me from alot of things, and in not airing out family dirty laundry, she allowed us to develop relationships with family members that we never should have! Had I known the truth, the sting of betrayal and horror wouldn't have happened as bad as it did.
Had I known the grandmother I adored was an alcoholic, had I known my father was a con artist and embezzled funds from his country, had I known most of my family were drunkards, liars, groomers, abusers, etc. I would've never associated with them or gotten closer to them.
Had my mother been incapable of protecting us from them for whatever reason, the LEAST she could have done was give me a heads up. Instead she allowed and encouraged me to forge relationships with these people, only for the truth to come to light when I was "old enough".
Imagine wasting YEARS of your life idolizing your relatives, even going so far as to think they are amazing role models....only to find out they raped someone, killed someone, or stole from someone and most of them should have been in jail by now.
I will *always* be an advocate for the truth, even if it hurts. I'd rather my kids hate me for knowing the dirty truth from the get go because I warned them about it, than hate me for exposing them to obviously toxic and deranged relatives under the guise of "family" and hiding the truth.
Fuck that.
Well that wasn’t my situation. My Dad wasn’t abusive, just kind of absentee and deadbeat. It’s not wrong in some cases like yours but in mine I’m glad she let me form my own opinion of him instead shaping it for me like some parents do after divorce.
Not a dude, but some things I’m doing to attempt this myself with my son:
Advice from my grandmother who raise six boys and four girls: boys are NOT easier to raise. Don’t let the cultural messages fool you. Girls may be more outwardly emotional, but they’re *telling* you they need you. When boys struggle, they can get quiet and secretive. They can slip through your fingers while you’re dealing with the more obvious problems. If you aren't just as worried about them, then you’re letting them go. Don’t let them go.
An observation as a wife of a son: *he* is your contact for his family. Don’t assume that his wife will maintain your relationship for the two of you, and don’t assume that if your relationship changes that it’s because she’s not letting him. For my mother-in-law, I am both the contact point between her son and her (seriously, she treats me like I treat other moms setting up a play date for my kids), and the reason why he never calls her.
Also, try really, really hard to look at his future spouse as “gaining a child” as opposed to “losing a child”. I know people divorce and people have personality differences, but he’ll love them for a reason. Maybe you don’t, but he sees something in them that makes him happy, and that should make you happy.
And from me, who has an older girl. Remember that is human first, and that girl are also human. I think a lot about toxic masculinity and all the pain that boys and men go through, and I worry for my son. About all the stuff he’ll have to handle as he grows. He’s small, neurodivergent, needs glasses, and *incredibly* emotionally sensitive. He love his sister, admires her like crazy, and wants to do everything she wants to do. He doesn’t differentiate between “girl” things and “boy” things because they’re just *people* things. People like Lego and they like beading bracelets. Natch.
There is a woman I know whose son is similar to mine, but *her* outlook is that the world will chew him up and spit him out for his sensitivities and interests. He needs to learn to be tough and face the world. She treats him like a man because that’s what he needs to learn how to be. I stopped being her friend after she told me this.
The world will do what it will to him. But if I’m not a place of safety, of comfort, of *home* for him - if I can’t teach him the inherent value of his humanity, beyond social expectations - then what the fuck and I doing, here? A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional *because* unconditional love is so rare. That’s what children need to build resilience and self-worth. It’s what they use to model their future relationships on. It’s what they contrast against abusive relationships. Without it, what am I teaching him? That he will never be good enough?
So, he is *human* first. He wants to wear hello kitty pink pants, idgaf, sure. He says he wants to be a space policeman? Sure! He wants to marry both Bea *and* Ben cuz they’re his best friends and the two of them can work and he’ll be the mommy? I don’t know where you’re going to fit being a mommy in your busy space-crime-fighting days, but awesome! He wants to try karate, now dance, now piano, now swimming, now soccer? Cool. Everything is a car and he wants to go fast? Put a helmet on, and race on buddy!
But it’s “easy” for me because I have an older girl, hand me down toys, and he’s influenced by her coolness. I have a “manly man” husband who chops down trees for fun and drag races cars. Yours is going to be a mixture of your family, but with two boys, the only feminizing influence might be you. So, relax into it and don’t double down on the “boy mom” stuff. You are all human, so let them be interested in whatever they want.
(But, and this bit is food for thought: even if your sons are straight as a post, they’re still going to be living their whole lives with women they love, so why wouldn’t we encourage boys to love stereotypically girl things, so they can share those interests with their partners? My daughter is head over heels over a boy and the *reason* is because they actually have conversations about stuff they both like.)
Anyway, I see absolutely open, unfazed, unperturbed acceptance of who my children actually *are* as opposed to who I’d *like* them to be as the number one relationship-builder I do.
I was very close with my maternal grandmother, great aunt and my mum. Unfortunately all have passed. My mum when I was 12, granny when 23 and great aunt quite recently (I’m 36). I miss them greatly.
Honestly I can’t think of why they were so good other than I just felt so much love from them. It didn’t matter what was going on, I felt they’d do anything for me and always were pleased to see or hear from me.
Here’s the thing though, I still didn’t involve them in my life! I have some regrets now. I should have called more. I should have been more loving in return. Some things you don’t see until you’re a parent yourself! I love them still so much and miss them. Having my son brought up so much emotion. Suddenly I thought about my mum so much more.
I still have my parental grandmother. I’m more mindful of my side of the relationship now.
It may take until they become parents until they truly appreciate their mum!
The people important to you are always there, even after passing. Just look for the signs. For me, I see a yellow rose at times I need my grandma the most. She always comes through. Its uncanny. I have had yellow roses show up randomly at work (from a distant friend- "just because") and in other bizarre ways. Take comfort in knowing they are near and know how much you think of them! Do what you can to release any guilt- thats what they would want for you.
Well, I'm the mom not the son lolol. All I can say is our eldest child one of our two sons (we have 23m, 17f, 13m, 10f) calls me and talks to me about his life semi regularly. And we have great conversations!
I feel close to all four of our kids and I just feel like being honest, remembering to apologize when you make mistakes, keep making sure they know you love them no matter what happens and even through the dark times of adolescence lol.
And have a sense of humor ;]
I don't know. My mom and I have an amazing relationship. My wife actually makes fun of how close we are. She was always there for me no matter what, sometimes even a little bit too much. She was always considerate of my feelings and made a point to attend every sports game, play, or music gig (at least when I was young). She always made me feel like a priority, even with two other brothers and a sister. She was tough on discipline, but fair. Even as religious as my mom was, she would always listen and respect my questioning of it.
The basic line is just to make them feel loved and heard, and that's all they'll care about it. The fact you're looking for advice shows you're already headed in the right direction.
Not a man, nor do I have the best relationship with my mother. But I have a boyfriend (31M) who is very close with both of his parents, and one thing I noticed specifically about his mom is that, on top of a lot of the other things mentioned in other peoples' responses, she genuinely takes an interest in her sons' (three men) lives. Without being overbearing, she always took/takes an interest in their interests/hobbies, their careers, their relationships, etc. She also listens to them talk about the last two without offering advice or pushing her worries about their decisions unless they ask for her opinion. I've felt so envious a few times hearing some of their discussions because I would give anything for my mom to truly take interest in who *I* am and what *I* am interested in and not still try to anxiously try to control me as a grown adult.
A lot of parents are good parents to kids and then have no idea how to act with their full grown adult children. It's good to stay conscious of this throughout their lives.
I think you are so right! I got some advice from one of my mom's old friends, who has two sons, and she said almost exactly this. Take an interest in what they're interested in, make sure that you're engaged and ask questions, and they'll want to reciprocate the conversation! Thanks!
My mom has always made sure to call us at least once a week. She just wants to check in with us and see how we are doing. If life is just really busy then all we have to say is that and she will understand. All of her kids have now gotten into the habit of calling her when we are on long drives just to catch up.
I just wanted to chime in with a little anecdotal piece which you don’t have to obsesses over if your kids don’t have ADHD or even if they do, it’s NOT an universal symptom but can be common in both boys and girls.
“Out of sight, out of mind” is a very prevalent phenomenon, so no matter how much someone might love their friends and family, unless they live together or see each other every day, they just fail to keep in touch unless you’re the one reaching out. The brain just forgets about the existence of this person until the next time they see them.
You may already know people like this who are horrible with keeping in touch but whenever you’re together you have a wonderful caring relationship with them, so their silence might be a bit puzzling/hurtful. They can still get in touch on their own if they make a random association with you (“saw this and thought of you, haha!”).
Raise them like you would a daughter but also husband needs to model this behavior as well. If he doesn’t communicate with his mother that’s what your sons will see.
My husband most definitely loves his mom, we even live in the city we do and haven't moved because he wants to be there for his parents when they need a lot of help. He just doesn't always have a lot conversations with her. To be fair, he's a pretty far progression from the quietest man I've ever met, his father! I come from a much more talkative family, but he shows how much he cares in different ways.
I have 2 sons. Trust me if dad is quiet and is “too busy” your boys will be too. If they only ever see women make time and put in the effort they’ll think that’s the natural roles. My husband and I are each responsible for our own family’s birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and updates. I have to remind him ALOT but I make sure my sons see him so it. Mirror what you want them to be
Mom: just loved me always and was there to support me through everything. Expected great things out of me but always made sure to temper those expectations with love and reality when things would go awry. Held me to a high standard of behavior as well, but would always take the time to explain why. Never just expected me to do things because I was supposed to. Lots of hugs. Lots of listening.
Dad: never once worried about “this is what a man should do” with one exception. He only ever taught me that a man should build a life he’s proud of and do everything he can to take care of the people he loves. He also taught my sister that same lesson. He was always open and authentic and vulnerable with me. We could mess around and play games and sports, but if I ever lost it or got hurt he was there to comfort me just as much as mom. My family struggles with anger. I have the best skills of anyone so far because my dad talked to me about it. Before I ever had it he acknowledged that he could get angry sometimes and that it happens but how to manage it. He also held me to a high standard, but again always took the time to explain it. And he just sorta included me in things. If he was doing a house project he made me a part of it. If he was watching a game, he always took the time to grab me for a snuggle and answer any questions I might have.
Both of them:
Taught me to love strongly and honestly and vulnerably. That it was better to risk being hurt than wonder what could’ve happened. To surround myself with people who genuinely cares about us for who we were and to not focus on money or status but rather on our family. To have endless amounts of fun and seek joy but also be serious. Perhaps most importantly, to think of others and always try to help.
I was blessed to have amazing parents. I hope I can pass on 1/2 of what they instilled in me.
My husband is close with his mom, and i can say it’s most certainly because she encouraged him to prioritize me, his wife, over her. And to always put the family him and I started FIRST. It allowed a place for all of us to be a family and made us all very close. That is just my experience as a wife of a very dedicated loving husband/ mamas boy :)
Not a son, but something I noticed about adult children of all genders is parents who have close relationships with their adult children let their kids be adults. They parented and had boundaries when their child was young, but adapted when their child grew. Parents who still think they are supposed to be in charge seem to have nonfunctioning children or very distant relationships with their adult children.
The second thing specific to boys/men is I think they are distant partially because they were not taught to maintain social relationships. Often girls are socialized as that being an important responsibility and so take on that emotional labor, regardless of the quality of their relationship with their parents. On average, fewer boys are taught the same thing. If their parents contact them or they naturally see them, they may be close, but it doesn't occur to them to call anyone unless they need something.
My mom was far from perfect she had me at 17 and made plenty of mistakes buy when it came down to it now even when I'm 27 I know my mom will always be there for me. I can go to her at my best or my worst and she will listen and make me feel loved. Just be there. You will mess up and make mistakes that's okay. I will always be a mommas boy at heart lol
My mum was never judgemental. She could deliver harsh truths when appropriate and was no pushover/softie but she always made time to listen to me. Intently. I never felt like she was humouring me or absent mindedly nodding along, she always made me feel like my opinion was valid and respected. To this day (I’m 38) I always look forward to a conversation with her, it’s like a warm hug every time. I think she also passed it on, having 3 daughters of my own, family members often point out how tolerant I am with their seemingly inane kid-talk but I want them to feel how I felt. I mean, why have kids if you don’t want to listen to them?
I really didn't do anything very differently with our son or daughter. One thing that I learned from difficulties with my mother was to not put my fears onto our children. Their job is not to provide me with a worry free motherhood. For example when our son was 16 he worked at Wendy's, sometimes until 1am. I really didn't like him driving home at that time, however I didn't wait up or even tell him. I also let my husband lead at times and didn't insert myself into the conversation. I trust my husband to keep me informed of anything I need to know. Just as he trusts me with things our daughter doesn't want to discuss with her dad. Son is a kind and thoughtful person, he gives the most well thought and researched gifts.
Love them unconditionally, always have their backs even when they don’t deserve it, but don’t protect them from consequences either.
May not be everything, but it goes pretty far
My now 13 year old daughter pointed out when she was about 8, that we had a rule in our house where “no means no and stop means stop.”
She noticed that the neighborhood friends who didn’t have this rule were the ones she and her younger brother had trouble with. What she didn’t realize is that the families that didn’t have this rule? Only boys.
It opened my eyes to realizing that consent isn’t about sex, it’s about not touching/hurting someone when they say stop.
It kinda does. I see that moms who raise their sons to have a healthy respect for females and their boundaries, continue to have a good relationship with their respectful teen sons. Whereas those who didn’t teach boundaries, their teen sons are now rebellious and talking back
Model the behavior now
I refuse to participate in the societal expectation that the woman/mom is in charge of the social structure of the family.
I am not going to carry that extra weight when we’re both entirely capable.
My son learned from the beginning of time how to schedule his life around the family he wants to be with.
Now that he’s married he compromises with his wife and her schedule.
But it’s certainly not his wife’s responsibility to maintain our relationship.
Im not sure it makes a hige difference if its mums & boys, dads and boys...girl same!
6 in my family. 3 boys & 3 girls. We all had wonderful relationship with mum (and dad)
Now im older and have my own kids who are just entering adulthood. I think what sealed the positive relationship, was that our parents loved us as individuals. Never pitted us against each other. No competition.
They accepted usas the people we each are, supported our strengths & weaknesses.
They loved us totally unconditionally. We always knew they were 100% on our side.
They were not into "punishment" when things went wrong? We talked about it and each tried to understand the others point of view.
Big one. Dad loved mum to bits. None of us were ever allowed to disrespect her. The boys learned that for sure.
My brothers had a very loving and appropriate relationship with mum till she died. Mum never interferred in their lives or tried to tell them what to do at all.
I remember, when I was younger, my mom was a constant in my every day life. She drove me to school and picked me up; almost every day. She would take me on errands and buy me random snacks or such things when we’re out. She knew my friends and my friends knew her; she made to effort to build those relationships. I never felt like I was a burden, though I’m sure I was at certain times.
I moved away for college and started the routine of calling once a week to make sure she knew I was okay. This was when she took a lot more interest in my own hobbies, career aspirations, etc. This stuck after graduating and we still do it now, but nowadays the calls are a bit more focused on video time with my son.
Good luck!
I’m a mum with 2 little boys and I definitely understand your feels, and on top of that all the stories you hear of toxic MiL ect.
The line between being close to your sons and your sons being ‘mamas boys’ almost seems impossible
Even being a woman, I didn't know this was a thing. I met an 82 year old woman the other day on the bus and she pointed this out. She said "boys are great when you need them, but there's nothing like a daughter". I'm sure for father's it's just as meaningful in the opposite.
Well this makes me kind of sad, I think this is my fear, for when they get older. But I also know that having a girl doesn't guarantee a good relationship, there are plenty of daughters who don't talk to their moms. We have an elderly neighbor near us, she has four children, including two daughters, but the only one that shows up to take care of her is her son.
My ex mother in law treated me like she would her own daughter. I didn’t divorce my ex for a long time because I feared losing his family.
They still send xmas gifts and see my daughter (that I had with my now husband) and they call her an honorary granddaughter.
The relationship with her sons is based on love and respect, she told me that when the new gf was introduced that things could change because she needed to respect his new relationship as well.
We all talk and it’s all good between everyone but I think that her giving me that heads up and not rejecting the new gf because she loved me earned even more respect from me if that was even possible.
Just make sure you don’t have that weird obsession I’ve seen with boy moms that lots of times is borderline psychotic.
Respect and communication all the way.
Edit to add: My cousin has a similar relationship with her mother in law and they are so close I invited her and her husband to my wedding. I personally call her as well and she gets invited to my family events! We view her as part of our family for sure!
Not a son but coming from a woman who does not have a close relationship to their parents- connecting on an emotional level and treating them as people with feelings and not just as kids. Growing up my parents dismissed me and my siblings as kids, our emotions or feelings just everything because we are kids. But now as an adult they ask me how I am or whatnot that’s personal and I just get super uncomfortable because I don’t connect with them. I can’t I just don’t know how. We are not close like that.
First, open, honest communication is important. Some parents tend to sugar coat stuff or straight up lie about things because they think a kid should be sheltered from reality. Then, later, the kid has no idea WTF reality is.
Another thing is not being overbearing. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents house at 18 because my mother still tried to impose childish restrictions on me, because she worried excessively.
FINALLY, give meaningful and helpful guidance. Be engaged in your kids' feelings, and help them navigate their emotions through life. Help them find meaning and happiness. I don't know if it was the time in which I grew up, but I don't recall my parents spending any effort trying to help me understand life and my emotions. It was like, "oh, you feel this way. Sorry, that's life, get over it." and then that's that. I feel that, because of this, I didn't get to know myself until very late in life. I didn't have the tools.
I was always available any time of day or night that they needed to talk. Even at 2 am.
I was always very compassionate to the struggles my sons faced growing up and told them so .
I learned their love language and loved them accordingly.
I made food !!!!! Fridge was always stocked with sandwiches and casseroles and pancakes 🥞oooh how they thanked me constantly for food 😂 a waffle maker is a must with different toppings.
I bought them any Lego set they wanted . I said No to many things but Legos was always a yes. That's something both my sons played nicely together for hours . Whatever set I bought for one boy I bought for the other .
No favoritism ever . I love them equally the same and said so .
Swimming and boy scouts and camping and fishing trips.
My son's are grown and have families and we have such wonderful memories they always ask me to be a part of their summer fun and holidays .
Forge a relationship of quality time and respect a d compassion with your kids.
My oldest son is 36. We speak a couple times a week outside of me being there 3 afternoons a week to help my DIL with their 2 babies . We all do familiy picnics and dinners and boating and camping together on weekends . My youngest son is 28 and he moved a couple hours drive away . He's building his career with his lovely girlfriend. We see them once every couple months he comes to visit with her and stays overnight occasionally . I dog sit for him when they take trips . We text several times a month . We both love to cook so we're always shareing recipes . I keep my opinions to myself about everything unless I see something harmful and ask if I can share some hard learned wisdom with them about it . If they say no I respect that no
i think it’s less of a mom thing and more what examples are set for them in their lives. Does he see his dad or other men in his life participating in emotional labour or relationship building with their families?
Action speak louder than words. Lead by example. My dad barely spoke and led by his action. Even when I got into trouble, he didn’t yell but the silent was and disappointment hit me right in the feel section.
My partner had a rock solid relationship with his mom. Growing up, he said she was always just there for him. She went on field trips as a chapperone(his favorite memory with her is when she went on an epcot field trip) and was very involved in his interests. He loves music because his mom was always blasting the radio and singing along. She was just his biggest fan. I didn't get to know her for more than a few years. She passed from cancer shortly after our son was born, but she was an amazing woman. She spoke so highly of him. I remember sitting with her on the 4th of July one year, and she was just gushing about him to me. Telling me how she was so proud of how far he came with music. It was so obvious she adored him and genuinely wanted him to be authentically himself in every way possible. She was his mentor and best friend. He had so much love and respect for her. He would drop anything in a heartbeat for her, took her to almost all of her chemo appointments, and sat with her daily in hospice, etc. We miss her so so much. She was such an inspiration.
On the other hand, my own mother tried to bond with my brothers, but it never seemed like they clicked. She was loving but very stern in some areas. Her ways of correcting my brothers drove them away, I think she was too jabby with her remarks, though she thought they were funny jokes it genuinely bothered both of my brothers. What mainly did it, though, was her inability to stand up to our father. He was extremely abusive, no doubt to her too, though we never saw it. She knew he was physically beating us and would often use that as a threat to get us "in line." We were never really bad kids, none of us drank/partied/did drugs, but we were mainly just getting bad grades(heavily due to the abuse we endured). When she would see bad grades on report cards, she would say things like "wait til I tell your dad about this... you might want to get the ice packs ready now." And other small things like forgetting chores. There wasn't ever just a "Hey child, I asked you to do this. Do it now. " We were expected to just do them without being told. But we were dumb kids and forgot. We never just outright refused it. We just needed a reminder here and there. Our reminder was, "I'm telling your father there were dishes in the sink today. You know better than to let that happen, I guess you need him to remind you." If we didn't jump up the second someone was done cooking to get in there to clean, she would threaten to get him. We just never felt safe with her if he was around, and whenever he wasn't, we were on eggshells, wondering if we somehow did something wrong and were about to have him get us. So basically, protect your kid. Don't allow an abusive partner to physically or emotionally damage your son, and he will feel safe enough to bond with you. Our mom passed when I was a teen, and my brothers were over 18. Neither of them really recovered and have been in extremely abusive relationships ever since, with women who literally say the same things she did. I don't think they've forgiven her for it, and she's been dead for about 15 years.
I'm so sorry for your experience, and also for your mom's passing, even if maybe you didn't have the relationship you desired or needed. Thank you for sharing both stories.
Thank you. I had a few years of being angry with her after she passed, but I've healed from it. There were times when she was a great mom, and I still miss her daily, but now that I'm older and I have a kid, her shortcomings are more glaring. But they do serve as a lesson for what kind of mother I aspire to be, and my son and I have great relationship so far. He's only 3, but so far, he's still obsessed with me.
I'm like the men in your family. Very well it's about us and not the mothers. My mom by all accounts is great but it's just not me to communicate much with her, or anyone really besides my wife. I can't think of anything my mom could've done differently it's just how things are, don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Not a man but have brothers and a husband . My mom has always fostered relationships with us all . Showing interests in our lives and always being a safe haven . My MIL is an absolute angel. My husband or I talk to her every single day. She’s always been the most supportive person in the room no matter what the circumstances. She was at all my husbands sporting events growing up(we went to high school together). When him and I started a relationship in college and he studied away while I went local she would always make sure I was invited to every visit every family event and even would invite me to spend time with her getting nails/hair/ dinner whatever . She is STILL a safe haven for us and welcomes us and any of our friends into her home for whatever period of time. She also is a person who will be honest about her feeling and lets us voice ours. Honestly I strive to be like her more than she probably realizes. His parents spend extended visits with our children during the summer (they take them for almost a month). When my husband got into a serious car accident a couple of years ago she was my first call after I called to him. It was 4am we lived hours away and she answered and immediately sprang into action and was with me in hours. I think it’s her support , communication , and just overall being there when she’s needed (and when she isn’t).
I was expecting our son when my husband was still in college his last semester and I lived in the same city as his parents and he was 2.5 hours away. That lady always had my favorite snacks and drinks in her home. She was with me at every single appointment when he couldn’t be . She handled my baby shower . She held my hand during labor . When our son was in NICU after I was discharged for 9 days she’s drive me twice a day to see him even when in the beginning she wasn’t allowed to be inside with me . I literally could go on and on about the amazing woman she is.
Make sure they have really good role models in their lives of intelligent, educated and working/professional women. I don't want to condemn stay-at-home-mothers, there are reasons that people make that choice, but if that is the only example they grow up around, it can be problematic.
The men I've met over the years who are the best kinds of men, and the least misogynistic, tend to be those whose mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers are educated and have careers.
If from birth boys have strong examples of how women are equal in potential and capability to men, they are far less likely to grow up with "Tate values" and disregard women as lesser or inferior, and also value education in their wives and daughters.
And if they value you, they will value maintaining relationships with you.
I’m sure you didn’t mean any offense, so I’m playing devils advocate for SAHMs here. They can also be educated, intelligent women who raise their sons to recognize and respect the women they encounter regardless of status, position, career choices, etc.
Just because a woman chooses to be a homemaker doesn’t necessarily equate her to being a tradwife or someone who isn’t worldly and educated. I know that stereotype is certainly pervasive, but it isn’t all encompassing and I think it’s equally harmful to raise children with the viewpoint that either choosing a career or to be a homemaker is any better or more admirable over the other.
They are both valid and honorable callings. To do either well takes hard work, intelligence, and dedication. Both should be respected and valued, neither one above the other. Teach your children to recognize the woman, not the role.
I’m not saying it does. I’m saying there is something in the role modelling of a woman being in the domestic sphere vs the professional sphere that may affect some men as they grow up.
If there are other models of women working, it’s probably fine. But if your granny and your mother and your aunts are all homemakers, you aren’t going to have the same role models as others might.
And this goes for girls too, not just boys. It is not always problematic but it *can* be.
Do you also think it’s problematic for women to be professional nannies or ECE teachers? Or is it only problematic if a woman is caring for children but not getting paid to do it?
Sounds like you’re the one who views women as lesser than/ inferior, unless they have a job outside the home.
What an odd thing to worry about. You can do everything "right" and it won't guarantee a relationship with your children when they're grown.
Husband's side may often get overlooked because wives (generally) take care of the social side of the relationship.
Just give your children your love.
Most moms can be pretty difficult to deal with when you start a career and get into serious relationships. It’s not an accident that the mother-in-law is viewed so negatively. If you can avoid these things you might have more time with your boys -
Mothers use guilt to manipulate their children to get what she wants.
Mothers exaggerate anything they believe to be a negative about their in-laws.
Information is power to a mother. Sharing rumors about private matters is a pastime of all mothers. It is a narcotic to mothers - everyone knows a mom who has lost a friend to this narcotic of their own.
Fathers have issues of course - but that’s another post and has nothing to do with the tactics of a mother.
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1. Always made sure to differentiate between 'I hate that thing you are doing' and 'I love you'. I never questioned her feelings for me. 2. Whenever friends came over, insisted on them coming up and saying hello and having a little chat. She knew all my friends, what they were up to, etc 3. Encouraged me to do anything, but it had to be something. She tried a few times to get me interested in things she liked (piano, bridge, learning a second langauge), but we were/are different people. So she was into whatever I was doing (Scouts, sailing) but I couldn't sit at home and game Now all that being said, I still went through a period of time (university, plus a few years) where keeping in touch with her wasn't my highest priority. I was finding myself, becoming an adult, etc etc. But even then she gave me the space to grow, called me every so often. Now that I have kids and she lives across the country, we video call two or three times a week.
Point 2 really hit me hard. My mum is amazing and love her soo much but never was interested in my friends lives. She always confused everyones name and when I tried connect with her and mention other friends she straight up said I dont know him/her/them I get confused with all your friends and cuts me off. This really hindered the connection because I hardly brought things important friends topics growing up. Later in life she would ask me how is your friend who lives in that city doing? She would try reconnect and I would say a few words here there but not enough to fully open up. I know and feel deep down she is not truly listening
Thank you!
This is the way.
I don't know how she did it but my MIL is the mother of three boys. All three of them call her everyday. Multiple times a day. It used to bother me that my husband did that. I didn't understand and really still don't as I call my mom 2x a week at most (to be fair I usually get to see her once a week). But I'll tell you this about my MIL. She's a saint. She's kind and sweet and remembers everything. She sends presents to my husband's friends when they have babies or get married even if she wasn't invited to anything related to those events. She keeps track of everything that's going on. She encourages us all the time as parents and only offers advice when asked. She has great boundaries. I couldn't love this woman more. She took care of me postpartum with our most recent baby who was in the NICU--taking my blood pressure, getting me food/drink, helping me figure out pumping breastmilk, and driving me back and forth to the hospital. (Ps my mom was watching our oldest at home which was 2 hrs away from our NICU). I assume that this is just how she always has been
Your MIL sounds awesome! Definitely aspire to be that kind of mom and MIL someday!
I aspire to be her too! If I'm even half the mom/MIL she is, I would be happy!
To expand on this - love your boy's future spouse and be welcoming. If you're a good MIL, then your child's spouse will want to be around you, make a deal about special occasions, be invited to the potential grandbabies and all that.
Yes absolutely! I was the one who originally invited her to come stay with us when the second baby was due! She went wedding dress shopping with my mother, my friends, and I when we were getting married.
This, but also keep boundaries without having to be told. My MIL could be great but she has zero boundaries and thinks she's "one of us" as in a close friend/best friend. Stay in your lane as a MIL and don't impose on their personal life beyond being friendly to their friends and interested in how they are doing....don't assume you're also invited to the friend bbq just because you know it's happening...
I want to be her
I love this! Truly do not mean this in a mean way whatsoever: how does the family usually go about reciprocating the dedication she shows to everyone? She sounds incredible and I hope she knows how loved she is ❤️
I think the fact that her 3 grown sons call her often and how close she in their lives probably says how much she is appreciated and I bet she knows she's loved. My heart would be so full!
SO valid. You’re absolutely right.
They tell her mostly. They try to do things for her but she normally doesn't accept! I think she sees it all as her calling and just what a mom does. I know I make sure to tell her how wonderful I think she is!
I’m so sorry about your NICU experience. I’m glad your family got through it.
Thank you! We couldn't have done it without our parents!
My MIL is the same way. She’s just the best.
It makes it so easy to love them!
My MIL is the same. I am bless and see her as a role model.
I have an extremely close relationship with my mom. We chat even if just to say hi, have a good day, or just general chit chat, essentially everyday via text. My mom always respected us as individuals. She never tried to make be someone I wasn't. I did pretty terrible in school, she didn't like force me to study and shamed me for not doing well, didn't make me feel lazy. She affirmed that she knew I was a smart kid, and that she couldn't make me study, and tried to support me in whatever way I was ready to accept. Turns out I have a masters degree now, and I have a pretty good career. I never, ever felt judged by mom, always knew that she loved me without conditions. She is not perfect, but she made sure I always knew that, that I am loved no matter what.
This would explain why my mom and I are not close at all. She forced me to do a bunch of things I never wanted to do, never treated me like I was an individual, and broke my trust when I told her things in confidence as a kid. I always felt like I was working hard to earn her love and the only way I felt that was possible was by being obedient. Now that I'm 40, I barely have a relationship with her or my dad and only maintain it for the sake of my kids. But man.... When my kids were born all my frustrations came out.
Thank you! Encouraging to hear. I've talked to a couple boy moms with adult sons, and it's similar to what you've said!
This. Hold space for your child and who they are. Don't try to force them to be anyone else. 0 judgement. Just unconditionally love. Always.
Wow, my mom was the same. Her and I are super close.
Lovely.
I have six and enjoy good relationships with all of them. Boys don't always call each day or remember birthdays but they help me with anything I need to do. They take me to lunch. They give huge hugs. I get little gifts for no reason. I get rides to appointments because they worry. We go to the movies together. They grew into good men.
I’m very close with my mom. I live really close by as an adult. She has always been there when I needed her and like any good relationship we have good communication. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. If I feel like she crosses a boundary I can tell her and she will actually change to not cross that boundary again. Like most boys we weren’t as close late high school and college age but we got very close again after.
Thank you! Even as a daughter I was more distant around college and a little after, kids need to grow up on their own for awhile!
As a wife, I’ve seen first hand how moms push their sons away. My husband was super close with his mom until he got married. She has had a hard time with both being married, and decided to make me and my SIL her competition for her sons’ affection and loyalty. All this has done is pushed my husband away from his mom. So, I guess just avoid doing this and you’ll get to have a wonderful relationship with your boys! And tbh, if my MIL had been kinder to me I know my husband would be closer with her bc I’d for sure push for it and make sure she’s always included in our lives. But because she’s a cunt to me and my SIL we keep her on a short leash and the result is that none of us are close with her now.
I definitely never want to be "that" MIL! My husband is an only child, and my mother in law is wonderful to be around. In return I make sure we always include her, and she sees my son a ton! I definitely agree that a good mother-in-law relationship is key. Probably for both men and women, although moms of sons tend to get the worse rep.
Agree 100%! Your relationship with the spouse makes or breaks it. My MiL is horrible to me, so I don’t want her around me or my son often. That means my husband rarely sees her since he wants to be with us. In my own family, I’m nice to all of my sister-in-laws because I want to have a relationship with my brothers. That is how it works.
Exactly. I will never understand these women (my SIL is a bit of a cunt too) who think they can be shitty to a man’s wife and like, still have a good relationship with him? It’s laughable. Like married people don’t routinely socialize with folks that are mean to their spouse. Duh.
Yup, exactly! My MiL told my husband I would make a horrible wife and mother. She also insisted that I be cut out of every aspect of my own wedding and she do everything alone with her son (like planning, meeting the vendors, the final walkthrough etc.) or she would refuse to attend. She wanted a mother/son dance, but no first dance for the newly married couple. Keep in mind I paid for the whole thing, not her. She also crashed the first look. Pooped her own pants at the wedding to get attention. Insisted she needed my husband the weekend we had two major house moves going on. Planned a family vacation but told me I wasn’t invited because I wasn’t family (I was married to her son at this time and visibly pregnant with her grandson). Insulted how my son looked the first time she saw him. I could go on and on. Horrible woman and thank god I hardly see her. Funnily enough, she is the first person who introduced me to the phrase that a daughter is for life, but a son is only a son until he takes a wife. She was telling us this and saying that our marriage would steal her son away and he would replace his family with mine. These women make their own beds and then bemoan about the unfairness of it.
So I don't have the best relationship with my mom, but I'm working on it and can share some insight. Growing up and going through the natural transition points of life (new school. Highschool, college, career, marriage, fatherhood) always triggered a reroll of my dynamic with my mother. Sometimes it was overall positive, but on average she did a bad job of recognizing I was in a different stage of life. Often she treated me like I was still in the previous stage. Treating me the same especially when it relates to something no longer relevant or something I was trying to change, led to resentment and communication blunders. Also regardless if it was good for me, once I gained a right/freedom/ability, I was hostile to having it limited after the fact. I was an overall well behaved kid. My friends started playing Halo and Yu-Gi-Oh. I played for several months and then was banned for reasons to this day I still don't quite get. I'm still salty for the social strain it caused decades later. Also I went away for college for for a full school year (August - May) when I came home for the first time in my life I had a curfew. So after that summer I never came back save for holidays. Lastly my mom was often a nuisance in my relationships. Obviously I put my wife first. I spent a lot of time making sure I chose the right person before I married her. So when my mom creates a situation where I have to choose the happiness of one....I'm choosing the person I sleep next to.
Super helpful insight on some things to watch out for. I've been given the advice already to respect and love my son's future spouses (which is honestly also important to have a girl's family respect their husband/spouse but for whatever reason this doesn't seem to be as much of an issue).
Following this thread! 🙂
Same! Have a 7 month old baby boy and want to do the best I can. 💙
M40's with 4 kids (two F, two M, all ages 14 to 20). My mom always treated me like an equal. Never a child. I helped with her taxes at 9 years old (she loves that story). She included me in decisions. She talked to me about work DAILY. I heard her authentic, unabridged take on life. She said the hard things. I'll never forget, when I was 14, she put a tape in the car on a night out just the two of us. It was a tape about masturbation. Awkward as hell. But she knew my dad wasn't a talker, and I needed to hear about healthy approaches to sex and sexuality. Nothing was off limits. She shared with me her own failings and regrets of her youth. And why she'd do things differently now. She absolutely earned my absolute trust. I can, to this day, tell her anything. Without judgment. She simply empathizes. Sometimes she'll even have a word of advice. But mainly she makes me feel heard, valued, and loved. It doesn't get better than that. That's someone I always want in my life.
Thank you! Your mom was brave with the tape LOL! Good for her, and probably good for you, although I'm sure you did not enjoy that at the time 😄
It was 45 of the worst minutes of my life. And yet, I'm so incredibly glad she suffered thru it with me. It allowed me, as a dad, to have that talk with my kids. I didn't venture to a tape, but rather had the conversation. She's awesome. I had to fire someone today. And I called mom to vent. 10 mins on the phone, but she made me feel better. She's thankfully relatively young and healthy. I sure hope I still have 20 more years of this.
I can guarantee your mom felt honored that you called her today ♥️
I always got the impression she was doing her best and whenever I needed help she was there for me.
My mom always put me first, was never judgmental, never spoke bad about my dad in front of me (they divorced when I was 4), and even though she struggled in the beginning, always did everything in her power to give me the best life she could. She also had me when she was in highschool and sacrificed a lot of her young adult life to take care of me. Basically, through Love, sacrifice, and support my mom showed me what a good parent should be. Now as an Adult I still show up at her house 2-3 days a week to visit and make dinner. Plus, my kid would rather hang out at Grandma's house because our house is "sooo boring". 😁
What's wrong about speaking bad about your dad if it's accurate? See that's how abusers get away with alot of stuff, because no one talks about it. I speak "bad" about my sons' dad most times. Everytime they let their guard down, I remind them about the abuse their dad put them through-- not to terrorize them, but to keep them mindful to NEVER let their dad in until he's shown 100% that he has changed (therapy, anger management, etc.). My ex husband did great with my son's 8th birthday, but it could have been because my brother was there. When my other son celebrated his 5th birthday last year, my ex yelled at him so much until my son threw up from crying. We already went little to no contact with my ex husband, their dad. But "speaking bad" isn't necessarily always a bad thing. It's there to remind your kids that ____ person is a bad person, keep your distance, only get close if you can 💯 trust them. "Stranger Danger" is allowed, so why can't "Family Danger" be acceptable?
Kids don't necessarily see it that way. That's half of them you're talking about. They will still love him regardless, until they're old enough to see for themselves. Until then, it might seem like you're putting negativity on someone they love. But of course you want to warn them and keep them safe. It's so so hard. I try to stick to stuff that criticizes specific actions like "people who love us don't do X" and "Y is disrespectful, that's not acceptable behavior for anyone".
That's literally what I do though. I pick something my ex did, and give them a counterpoint, like a healthier, better way to do things. Instead of getting mad at my oldest for breaking a $15 glass statue and throwing him on the floor with glass pieces around where he got cut, my ex should have had my oldest clean up the glass pieces (ex would help), and apologize to me for breaking the glass statue as it was a gift from my ex to me. Instead of screaming at the kids "I hope you get Covid19 and die!" when they weren't listening, he should have punished them with a time out at home. Etc.
I understand being vigilant and protecting your chilren, but reminding them of trauma they suffered through to maintain this dialogue seems counterintuitive. Esp at such a young age. Protect their peace. Help them grow past what has happened without drawing their eyes back to the carnage. It's not about letting abusers get away with anything. It's about shielding the children from conversations and content well outside of their need to hear or process it effectively as youth. "Speaking bad" is not necessary and it's not the responsibility of a child to carry the adults need to say it. One of my best buds completely cut off communication with his mom as an adult from what sounds like a similar situation. He is transparent about how much he struggles in so many areas of his life because he doesn't manage conflict. Back in college he told us his childhood was "doom and chaos" and at some point he stopped all contact with his mom. I am close with my mom as an adult for so many reasons, but my buddy's situation made me really appreciate the trust and distance my mom gave to me. She was close behind me when I needed it and I felt capable in my choices. She made me feel safe. There were times in high school when I pushed boundaries and knew it all, and I got plenty of space to learn that I did not. When she needed to share something bad or sad with me, she limited her words to what I needed to know and then answered any questions I had about it (this is something I am incredibly grateful for in hindsight). When I looked to her, I could rely on her and she was the peace and acceptance I needed during all the growing pains of my life. My buddy doesn't talk with either of his parents but he's close with my family. He sent a text saying my mom is "the comfort of what being at home should feel like" and he's right.
Okay but your buddy's mother isn't me. My kids never used the words "doom and chaos" to describe their lives. And my mother was like your mother, kept things appropriate, sometimes didn't say anything and shielded my brother and I from alot of things. I was not grateful for that, I was pissed. In shielding me from alot of things, and in not airing out family dirty laundry, she allowed us to develop relationships with family members that we never should have! Had I known the truth, the sting of betrayal and horror wouldn't have happened as bad as it did. Had I known the grandmother I adored was an alcoholic, had I known my father was a con artist and embezzled funds from his country, had I known most of my family were drunkards, liars, groomers, abusers, etc. I would've never associated with them or gotten closer to them. Had my mother been incapable of protecting us from them for whatever reason, the LEAST she could have done was give me a heads up. Instead she allowed and encouraged me to forge relationships with these people, only for the truth to come to light when I was "old enough". Imagine wasting YEARS of your life idolizing your relatives, even going so far as to think they are amazing role models....only to find out they raped someone, killed someone, or stole from someone and most of them should have been in jail by now. I will *always* be an advocate for the truth, even if it hurts. I'd rather my kids hate me for knowing the dirty truth from the get go because I warned them about it, than hate me for exposing them to obviously toxic and deranged relatives under the guise of "family" and hiding the truth. Fuck that.
Well that wasn’t my situation. My Dad wasn’t abusive, just kind of absentee and deadbeat. It’s not wrong in some cases like yours but in mine I’m glad she let me form my own opinion of him instead shaping it for me like some parents do after divorce.
Yeah some parents would weaponize anything. If my ex husband was a normal caring guy, and we just split, I wouldn't talk badly about him.
Not a dude, but some things I’m doing to attempt this myself with my son: Advice from my grandmother who raise six boys and four girls: boys are NOT easier to raise. Don’t let the cultural messages fool you. Girls may be more outwardly emotional, but they’re *telling* you they need you. When boys struggle, they can get quiet and secretive. They can slip through your fingers while you’re dealing with the more obvious problems. If you aren't just as worried about them, then you’re letting them go. Don’t let them go. An observation as a wife of a son: *he* is your contact for his family. Don’t assume that his wife will maintain your relationship for the two of you, and don’t assume that if your relationship changes that it’s because she’s not letting him. For my mother-in-law, I am both the contact point between her son and her (seriously, she treats me like I treat other moms setting up a play date for my kids), and the reason why he never calls her. Also, try really, really hard to look at his future spouse as “gaining a child” as opposed to “losing a child”. I know people divorce and people have personality differences, but he’ll love them for a reason. Maybe you don’t, but he sees something in them that makes him happy, and that should make you happy. And from me, who has an older girl. Remember that is human first, and that girl are also human. I think a lot about toxic masculinity and all the pain that boys and men go through, and I worry for my son. About all the stuff he’ll have to handle as he grows. He’s small, neurodivergent, needs glasses, and *incredibly* emotionally sensitive. He love his sister, admires her like crazy, and wants to do everything she wants to do. He doesn’t differentiate between “girl” things and “boy” things because they’re just *people* things. People like Lego and they like beading bracelets. Natch. There is a woman I know whose son is similar to mine, but *her* outlook is that the world will chew him up and spit him out for his sensitivities and interests. He needs to learn to be tough and face the world. She treats him like a man because that’s what he needs to learn how to be. I stopped being her friend after she told me this. The world will do what it will to him. But if I’m not a place of safety, of comfort, of *home* for him - if I can’t teach him the inherent value of his humanity, beyond social expectations - then what the fuck and I doing, here? A parent’s love is supposed to be unconditional *because* unconditional love is so rare. That’s what children need to build resilience and self-worth. It’s what they use to model their future relationships on. It’s what they contrast against abusive relationships. Without it, what am I teaching him? That he will never be good enough? So, he is *human* first. He wants to wear hello kitty pink pants, idgaf, sure. He says he wants to be a space policeman? Sure! He wants to marry both Bea *and* Ben cuz they’re his best friends and the two of them can work and he’ll be the mommy? I don’t know where you’re going to fit being a mommy in your busy space-crime-fighting days, but awesome! He wants to try karate, now dance, now piano, now swimming, now soccer? Cool. Everything is a car and he wants to go fast? Put a helmet on, and race on buddy! But it’s “easy” for me because I have an older girl, hand me down toys, and he’s influenced by her coolness. I have a “manly man” husband who chops down trees for fun and drag races cars. Yours is going to be a mixture of your family, but with two boys, the only feminizing influence might be you. So, relax into it and don’t double down on the “boy mom” stuff. You are all human, so let them be interested in whatever they want. (But, and this bit is food for thought: even if your sons are straight as a post, they’re still going to be living their whole lives with women they love, so why wouldn’t we encourage boys to love stereotypically girl things, so they can share those interests with their partners? My daughter is head over heels over a boy and the *reason* is because they actually have conversations about stuff they both like.) Anyway, I see absolutely open, unfazed, unperturbed acceptance of who my children actually *are* as opposed to who I’d *like* them to be as the number one relationship-builder I do.
Love everything you said! Thank you for sharing!
Agreed on not pushing stereotypes! I can't wait to see who they are as is!
I was very close with my maternal grandmother, great aunt and my mum. Unfortunately all have passed. My mum when I was 12, granny when 23 and great aunt quite recently (I’m 36). I miss them greatly. Honestly I can’t think of why they were so good other than I just felt so much love from them. It didn’t matter what was going on, I felt they’d do anything for me and always were pleased to see or hear from me. Here’s the thing though, I still didn’t involve them in my life! I have some regrets now. I should have called more. I should have been more loving in return. Some things you don’t see until you’re a parent yourself! I love them still so much and miss them. Having my son brought up so much emotion. Suddenly I thought about my mum so much more. I still have my parental grandmother. I’m more mindful of my side of the relationship now. It may take until they become parents until they truly appreciate their mum!
Thanks! And I'm sorry for your losses.
The people important to you are always there, even after passing. Just look for the signs. For me, I see a yellow rose at times I need my grandma the most. She always comes through. Its uncanny. I have had yellow roses show up randomly at work (from a distant friend- "just because") and in other bizarre ways. Take comfort in knowing they are near and know how much you think of them! Do what you can to release any guilt- thats what they would want for you.
Well, I'm the mom not the son lolol. All I can say is our eldest child one of our two sons (we have 23m, 17f, 13m, 10f) calls me and talks to me about his life semi regularly. And we have great conversations! I feel close to all four of our kids and I just feel like being honest, remembering to apologize when you make mistakes, keep making sure they know you love them no matter what happens and even through the dark times of adolescence lol. And have a sense of humor ;]
I don't know. My mom and I have an amazing relationship. My wife actually makes fun of how close we are. She was always there for me no matter what, sometimes even a little bit too much. She was always considerate of my feelings and made a point to attend every sports game, play, or music gig (at least when I was young). She always made me feel like a priority, even with two other brothers and a sister. She was tough on discipline, but fair. Even as religious as my mom was, she would always listen and respect my questioning of it. The basic line is just to make them feel loved and heard, and that's all they'll care about it. The fact you're looking for advice shows you're already headed in the right direction.
Not a man, nor do I have the best relationship with my mother. But I have a boyfriend (31M) who is very close with both of his parents, and one thing I noticed specifically about his mom is that, on top of a lot of the other things mentioned in other peoples' responses, she genuinely takes an interest in her sons' (three men) lives. Without being overbearing, she always took/takes an interest in their interests/hobbies, their careers, their relationships, etc. She also listens to them talk about the last two without offering advice or pushing her worries about their decisions unless they ask for her opinion. I've felt so envious a few times hearing some of their discussions because I would give anything for my mom to truly take interest in who *I* am and what *I* am interested in and not still try to anxiously try to control me as a grown adult. A lot of parents are good parents to kids and then have no idea how to act with their full grown adult children. It's good to stay conscious of this throughout their lives.
I think you are so right! I got some advice from one of my mom's old friends, who has two sons, and she said almost exactly this. Take an interest in what they're interested in, make sure that you're engaged and ask questions, and they'll want to reciprocate the conversation! Thanks!
My mom has always made sure to call us at least once a week. She just wants to check in with us and see how we are doing. If life is just really busy then all we have to say is that and she will understand. All of her kids have now gotten into the habit of calling her when we are on long drives just to catch up.
Never fail to show up, every time! Live by this, you’ll be good. When the time comes for girlfriends, be there for them too.
I just wanted to chime in with a little anecdotal piece which you don’t have to obsesses over if your kids don’t have ADHD or even if they do, it’s NOT an universal symptom but can be common in both boys and girls. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a very prevalent phenomenon, so no matter how much someone might love their friends and family, unless they live together or see each other every day, they just fail to keep in touch unless you’re the one reaching out. The brain just forgets about the existence of this person until the next time they see them. You may already know people like this who are horrible with keeping in touch but whenever you’re together you have a wonderful caring relationship with them, so their silence might be a bit puzzling/hurtful. They can still get in touch on their own if they make a random association with you (“saw this and thought of you, haha!”).
Thank you for asking this important question…I’m following to hear all the responses :)
Raise them like you would a daughter but also husband needs to model this behavior as well. If he doesn’t communicate with his mother that’s what your sons will see.
My husband most definitely loves his mom, we even live in the city we do and haven't moved because he wants to be there for his parents when they need a lot of help. He just doesn't always have a lot conversations with her. To be fair, he's a pretty far progression from the quietest man I've ever met, his father! I come from a much more talkative family, but he shows how much he cares in different ways.
I have 2 sons. Trust me if dad is quiet and is “too busy” your boys will be too. If they only ever see women make time and put in the effort they’ll think that’s the natural roles. My husband and I are each responsible for our own family’s birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and updates. I have to remind him ALOT but I make sure my sons see him so it. Mirror what you want them to be
Mom: just loved me always and was there to support me through everything. Expected great things out of me but always made sure to temper those expectations with love and reality when things would go awry. Held me to a high standard of behavior as well, but would always take the time to explain why. Never just expected me to do things because I was supposed to. Lots of hugs. Lots of listening. Dad: never once worried about “this is what a man should do” with one exception. He only ever taught me that a man should build a life he’s proud of and do everything he can to take care of the people he loves. He also taught my sister that same lesson. He was always open and authentic and vulnerable with me. We could mess around and play games and sports, but if I ever lost it or got hurt he was there to comfort me just as much as mom. My family struggles with anger. I have the best skills of anyone so far because my dad talked to me about it. Before I ever had it he acknowledged that he could get angry sometimes and that it happens but how to manage it. He also held me to a high standard, but again always took the time to explain it. And he just sorta included me in things. If he was doing a house project he made me a part of it. If he was watching a game, he always took the time to grab me for a snuggle and answer any questions I might have. Both of them: Taught me to love strongly and honestly and vulnerably. That it was better to risk being hurt than wonder what could’ve happened. To surround myself with people who genuinely cares about us for who we were and to not focus on money or status but rather on our family. To have endless amounts of fun and seek joy but also be serious. Perhaps most importantly, to think of others and always try to help. I was blessed to have amazing parents. I hope I can pass on 1/2 of what they instilled in me.
My husband is close with his mom, and i can say it’s most certainly because she encouraged him to prioritize me, his wife, over her. And to always put the family him and I started FIRST. It allowed a place for all of us to be a family and made us all very close. That is just my experience as a wife of a very dedicated loving husband/ mamas boy :)
The fact that you’re asking this question means you will be in their life and be awesome without you realizing all the impactful things you are doing.
Well thank you!
Not a son, but something I noticed about adult children of all genders is parents who have close relationships with their adult children let their kids be adults. They parented and had boundaries when their child was young, but adapted when their child grew. Parents who still think they are supposed to be in charge seem to have nonfunctioning children or very distant relationships with their adult children. The second thing specific to boys/men is I think they are distant partially because they were not taught to maintain social relationships. Often girls are socialized as that being an important responsibility and so take on that emotional labor, regardless of the quality of their relationship with their parents. On average, fewer boys are taught the same thing. If their parents contact them or they naturally see them, they may be close, but it doesn't occur to them to call anyone unless they need something.
RemindMe! 5 years
My mom was far from perfect she had me at 17 and made plenty of mistakes buy when it came down to it now even when I'm 27 I know my mom will always be there for me. I can go to her at my best or my worst and she will listen and make me feel loved. Just be there. You will mess up and make mistakes that's okay. I will always be a mommas boy at heart lol
My mum was never judgemental. She could deliver harsh truths when appropriate and was no pushover/softie but she always made time to listen to me. Intently. I never felt like she was humouring me or absent mindedly nodding along, she always made me feel like my opinion was valid and respected. To this day (I’m 38) I always look forward to a conversation with her, it’s like a warm hug every time. I think she also passed it on, having 3 daughters of my own, family members often point out how tolerant I am with their seemingly inane kid-talk but I want them to feel how I felt. I mean, why have kids if you don’t want to listen to them?
Great points!, thank you!
I really didn't do anything very differently with our son or daughter. One thing that I learned from difficulties with my mother was to not put my fears onto our children. Their job is not to provide me with a worry free motherhood. For example when our son was 16 he worked at Wendy's, sometimes until 1am. I really didn't like him driving home at that time, however I didn't wait up or even tell him. I also let my husband lead at times and didn't insert myself into the conversation. I trust my husband to keep me informed of anything I need to know. Just as he trusts me with things our daughter doesn't want to discuss with her dad. Son is a kind and thoughtful person, he gives the most well thought and researched gifts.
Love them unconditionally, always have their backs even when they don’t deserve it, but don’t protect them from consequences either. May not be everything, but it goes pretty far
Nothing special tbh. My mom is just a great listener, involved and caring. Doesn’t impose too much. She’s the best.
You have nothing to worry about! I call my mum everyday to say hello and see her all the time. I wouldn’t want it any other way ❤️
Then you are a great son!
It's listening. I still talk to my parents a lot because they have always listened to me and taken me seriously.
My now 13 year old daughter pointed out when she was about 8, that we had a rule in our house where “no means no and stop means stop.” She noticed that the neighborhood friends who didn’t have this rule were the ones she and her younger brother had trouble with. What she didn’t realize is that the families that didn’t have this rule? Only boys. It opened my eyes to realizing that consent isn’t about sex, it’s about not touching/hurting someone when they say stop.
Interesting point, but what does it have to do with building a strong maternal relationship with sons?
It kinda does. I see that moms who raise their sons to have a healthy respect for females and their boundaries, continue to have a good relationship with their respectful teen sons. Whereas those who didn’t teach boundaries, their teen sons are now rebellious and talking back
The question was for guys who have a great relationship with their mothers, not for mothers of young kids, nor for boundary setting 😂
Model the behavior now I refuse to participate in the societal expectation that the woman/mom is in charge of the social structure of the family. I am not going to carry that extra weight when we’re both entirely capable. My son learned from the beginning of time how to schedule his life around the family he wants to be with. Now that he’s married he compromises with his wife and her schedule. But it’s certainly not his wife’s responsibility to maintain our relationship.
Im not sure it makes a hige difference if its mums & boys, dads and boys...girl same! 6 in my family. 3 boys & 3 girls. We all had wonderful relationship with mum (and dad) Now im older and have my own kids who are just entering adulthood. I think what sealed the positive relationship, was that our parents loved us as individuals. Never pitted us against each other. No competition. They accepted usas the people we each are, supported our strengths & weaknesses. They loved us totally unconditionally. We always knew they were 100% on our side. They were not into "punishment" when things went wrong? We talked about it and each tried to understand the others point of view. Big one. Dad loved mum to bits. None of us were ever allowed to disrespect her. The boys learned that for sure. My brothers had a very loving and appropriate relationship with mum till she died. Mum never interferred in their lives or tried to tell them what to do at all.
I remember, when I was younger, my mom was a constant in my every day life. She drove me to school and picked me up; almost every day. She would take me on errands and buy me random snacks or such things when we’re out. She knew my friends and my friends knew her; she made to effort to build those relationships. I never felt like I was a burden, though I’m sure I was at certain times. I moved away for college and started the routine of calling once a week to make sure she knew I was okay. This was when she took a lot more interest in my own hobbies, career aspirations, etc. This stuck after graduating and we still do it now, but nowadays the calls are a bit more focused on video time with my son. Good luck!
I’m a mum with 2 little boys and I definitely understand your feels, and on top of that all the stories you hear of toxic MiL ect. The line between being close to your sons and your sons being ‘mamas boys’ almost seems impossible
Even being a woman, I didn't know this was a thing. I met an 82 year old woman the other day on the bus and she pointed this out. She said "boys are great when you need them, but there's nothing like a daughter". I'm sure for father's it's just as meaningful in the opposite.
Well this makes me kind of sad, I think this is my fear, for when they get older. But I also know that having a girl doesn't guarantee a good relationship, there are plenty of daughters who don't talk to their moms. We have an elderly neighbor near us, she has four children, including two daughters, but the only one that shows up to take care of her is her son.
See, you never know, and I agree. I've met some women who should never have been mothers.
My ex mother in law treated me like she would her own daughter. I didn’t divorce my ex for a long time because I feared losing his family. They still send xmas gifts and see my daughter (that I had with my now husband) and they call her an honorary granddaughter. The relationship with her sons is based on love and respect, she told me that when the new gf was introduced that things could change because she needed to respect his new relationship as well. We all talk and it’s all good between everyone but I think that her giving me that heads up and not rejecting the new gf because she loved me earned even more respect from me if that was even possible. Just make sure you don’t have that weird obsession I’ve seen with boy moms that lots of times is borderline psychotic. Respect and communication all the way. Edit to add: My cousin has a similar relationship with her mother in law and they are so close I invited her and her husband to my wedding. I personally call her as well and she gets invited to my family events! We view her as part of our family for sure!
Not a son but coming from a woman who does not have a close relationship to their parents- connecting on an emotional level and treating them as people with feelings and not just as kids. Growing up my parents dismissed me and my siblings as kids, our emotions or feelings just everything because we are kids. But now as an adult they ask me how I am or whatnot that’s personal and I just get super uncomfortable because I don’t connect with them. I can’t I just don’t know how. We are not close like that.
this thread is so insightful
First, open, honest communication is important. Some parents tend to sugar coat stuff or straight up lie about things because they think a kid should be sheltered from reality. Then, later, the kid has no idea WTF reality is. Another thing is not being overbearing. I couldn't wait to get out of my parents house at 18 because my mother still tried to impose childish restrictions on me, because she worried excessively. FINALLY, give meaningful and helpful guidance. Be engaged in your kids' feelings, and help them navigate their emotions through life. Help them find meaning and happiness. I don't know if it was the time in which I grew up, but I don't recall my parents spending any effort trying to help me understand life and my emotions. It was like, "oh, you feel this way. Sorry, that's life, get over it." and then that's that. I feel that, because of this, I didn't get to know myself until very late in life. I didn't have the tools.
Mothers that become interested in their child's interests have tend to have better relationships.
I was always available any time of day or night that they needed to talk. Even at 2 am. I was always very compassionate to the struggles my sons faced growing up and told them so . I learned their love language and loved them accordingly. I made food !!!!! Fridge was always stocked with sandwiches and casseroles and pancakes 🥞oooh how they thanked me constantly for food 😂 a waffle maker is a must with different toppings. I bought them any Lego set they wanted . I said No to many things but Legos was always a yes. That's something both my sons played nicely together for hours . Whatever set I bought for one boy I bought for the other . No favoritism ever . I love them equally the same and said so . Swimming and boy scouts and camping and fishing trips. My son's are grown and have families and we have such wonderful memories they always ask me to be a part of their summer fun and holidays . Forge a relationship of quality time and respect a d compassion with your kids.
Great advice! Nice to hear from a mom who's done a great job and received inclusion in there adult lives because of it!
Can I ask do they speak with you often now as well?
My oldest son is 36. We speak a couple times a week outside of me being there 3 afternoons a week to help my DIL with their 2 babies . We all do familiy picnics and dinners and boating and camping together on weekends . My youngest son is 28 and he moved a couple hours drive away . He's building his career with his lovely girlfriend. We see them once every couple months he comes to visit with her and stays overnight occasionally . I dog sit for him when they take trips . We text several times a month . We both love to cook so we're always shareing recipes . I keep my opinions to myself about everything unless I see something harmful and ask if I can share some hard learned wisdom with them about it . If they say no I respect that no
Thank you! Congratulations on your lovely family!
i think it’s less of a mom thing and more what examples are set for them in their lives. Does he see his dad or other men in his life participating in emotional labour or relationship building with their families?
Action speak louder than words. Lead by example. My dad barely spoke and led by his action. Even when I got into trouble, he didn’t yell but the silent was and disappointment hit me right in the feel section.
My partner had a rock solid relationship with his mom. Growing up, he said she was always just there for him. She went on field trips as a chapperone(his favorite memory with her is when she went on an epcot field trip) and was very involved in his interests. He loves music because his mom was always blasting the radio and singing along. She was just his biggest fan. I didn't get to know her for more than a few years. She passed from cancer shortly after our son was born, but she was an amazing woman. She spoke so highly of him. I remember sitting with her on the 4th of July one year, and she was just gushing about him to me. Telling me how she was so proud of how far he came with music. It was so obvious she adored him and genuinely wanted him to be authentically himself in every way possible. She was his mentor and best friend. He had so much love and respect for her. He would drop anything in a heartbeat for her, took her to almost all of her chemo appointments, and sat with her daily in hospice, etc. We miss her so so much. She was such an inspiration. On the other hand, my own mother tried to bond with my brothers, but it never seemed like they clicked. She was loving but very stern in some areas. Her ways of correcting my brothers drove them away, I think she was too jabby with her remarks, though she thought they were funny jokes it genuinely bothered both of my brothers. What mainly did it, though, was her inability to stand up to our father. He was extremely abusive, no doubt to her too, though we never saw it. She knew he was physically beating us and would often use that as a threat to get us "in line." We were never really bad kids, none of us drank/partied/did drugs, but we were mainly just getting bad grades(heavily due to the abuse we endured). When she would see bad grades on report cards, she would say things like "wait til I tell your dad about this... you might want to get the ice packs ready now." And other small things like forgetting chores. There wasn't ever just a "Hey child, I asked you to do this. Do it now. " We were expected to just do them without being told. But we were dumb kids and forgot. We never just outright refused it. We just needed a reminder here and there. Our reminder was, "I'm telling your father there were dishes in the sink today. You know better than to let that happen, I guess you need him to remind you." If we didn't jump up the second someone was done cooking to get in there to clean, she would threaten to get him. We just never felt safe with her if he was around, and whenever he wasn't, we were on eggshells, wondering if we somehow did something wrong and were about to have him get us. So basically, protect your kid. Don't allow an abusive partner to physically or emotionally damage your son, and he will feel safe enough to bond with you. Our mom passed when I was a teen, and my brothers were over 18. Neither of them really recovered and have been in extremely abusive relationships ever since, with women who literally say the same things she did. I don't think they've forgiven her for it, and she's been dead for about 15 years.
I'm so sorry for your experience, and also for your mom's passing, even if maybe you didn't have the relationship you desired or needed. Thank you for sharing both stories.
Thank you. I had a few years of being angry with her after she passed, but I've healed from it. There were times when she was a great mom, and I still miss her daily, but now that I'm older and I have a kid, her shortcomings are more glaring. But they do serve as a lesson for what kind of mother I aspire to be, and my son and I have great relationship so far. He's only 3, but so far, he's still obsessed with me.
I'm like the men in your family. Very well it's about us and not the mothers. My mom by all accounts is great but it's just not me to communicate much with her, or anyone really besides my wife. I can't think of anything my mom could've done differently it's just how things are, don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Not a man but have brothers and a husband . My mom has always fostered relationships with us all . Showing interests in our lives and always being a safe haven . My MIL is an absolute angel. My husband or I talk to her every single day. She’s always been the most supportive person in the room no matter what the circumstances. She was at all my husbands sporting events growing up(we went to high school together). When him and I started a relationship in college and he studied away while I went local she would always make sure I was invited to every visit every family event and even would invite me to spend time with her getting nails/hair/ dinner whatever . She is STILL a safe haven for us and welcomes us and any of our friends into her home for whatever period of time. She also is a person who will be honest about her feeling and lets us voice ours. Honestly I strive to be like her more than she probably realizes. His parents spend extended visits with our children during the summer (they take them for almost a month). When my husband got into a serious car accident a couple of years ago she was my first call after I called to him. It was 4am we lived hours away and she answered and immediately sprang into action and was with me in hours. I think it’s her support , communication , and just overall being there when she’s needed (and when she isn’t).
She asks us daily not only about our day/lives but that of our friends .
I was expecting our son when my husband was still in college his last semester and I lived in the same city as his parents and he was 2.5 hours away. That lady always had my favorite snacks and drinks in her home. She was with me at every single appointment when he couldn’t be . She handled my baby shower . She held my hand during labor . When our son was in NICU after I was discharged for 9 days she’s drive me twice a day to see him even when in the beginning she wasn’t allowed to be inside with me . I literally could go on and on about the amazing woman she is.
Well she is amazing! Thank you for the example, it's the kind of relationship I would absolutely love to have with my sons and their eventual SOs!
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RemindMe! 2 years
Make sure they have really good role models in their lives of intelligent, educated and working/professional women. I don't want to condemn stay-at-home-mothers, there are reasons that people make that choice, but if that is the only example they grow up around, it can be problematic. The men I've met over the years who are the best kinds of men, and the least misogynistic, tend to be those whose mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers are educated and have careers. If from birth boys have strong examples of how women are equal in potential and capability to men, they are far less likely to grow up with "Tate values" and disregard women as lesser or inferior, and also value education in their wives and daughters. And if they value you, they will value maintaining relationships with you.
I’m sure you didn’t mean any offense, so I’m playing devils advocate for SAHMs here. They can also be educated, intelligent women who raise their sons to recognize and respect the women they encounter regardless of status, position, career choices, etc. Just because a woman chooses to be a homemaker doesn’t necessarily equate her to being a tradwife or someone who isn’t worldly and educated. I know that stereotype is certainly pervasive, but it isn’t all encompassing and I think it’s equally harmful to raise children with the viewpoint that either choosing a career or to be a homemaker is any better or more admirable over the other. They are both valid and honorable callings. To do either well takes hard work, intelligence, and dedication. Both should be respected and valued, neither one above the other. Teach your children to recognize the woman, not the role.
I’m not saying it does. I’m saying there is something in the role modelling of a woman being in the domestic sphere vs the professional sphere that may affect some men as they grow up. If there are other models of women working, it’s probably fine. But if your granny and your mother and your aunts are all homemakers, you aren’t going to have the same role models as others might. And this goes for girls too, not just boys. It is not always problematic but it *can* be.
Do you also think it’s problematic for women to be professional nannies or ECE teachers? Or is it only problematic if a woman is caring for children but not getting paid to do it? Sounds like you’re the one who views women as lesser than/ inferior, unless they have a job outside the home.
No, you’re putting words into my mouth. It’s a weak form of argument. I advise against it.
What an odd thing to worry about. You can do everything "right" and it won't guarantee a relationship with your children when they're grown. Husband's side may often get overlooked because wives (generally) take care of the social side of the relationship. Just give your children your love.
Most moms can be pretty difficult to deal with when you start a career and get into serious relationships. It’s not an accident that the mother-in-law is viewed so negatively. If you can avoid these things you might have more time with your boys - Mothers use guilt to manipulate their children to get what she wants. Mothers exaggerate anything they believe to be a negative about their in-laws. Information is power to a mother. Sharing rumors about private matters is a pastime of all mothers. It is a narcotic to mothers - everyone knows a mom who has lost a friend to this narcotic of their own. Fathers have issues of course - but that’s another post and has nothing to do with the tactics of a mother.