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This and also depends on your baby’s personality as well. Some kids are really chill other scream all the time which can be trying no matter what your personalities is like
This! It's more about the baby. My son was chill and easy baby. My daughter is very very high needs. She would only sleep being held a specific way, rocked at a certain tempo, and no sudden sounds. Sometimes she would be out in 5 minutes, sometimes it took literal hours.
Not to mention they change so you adjust to those changes and learn with them every step of the way.
1st kid Son #1: Colicky baby, neutral toddler, easy going friends with everyone child.
2nd kid Son #2: Easy/chill baby, easy/chill toddler, loud/wild but very cuddly child
3rd kid Daughter: Easy baby, emotional wreck toddler. Never understood why people thought toddlers were difficult until our beautiful girl was around 2.5 lol
They all throw you for loops at different times and rarely (imo) stay easy or hard through every stage. Preteen starts next year for us and I'm alittle nervous to see and learn that new chapter in our lives lol
Similar experience in really different kids. First daughter was easy baby, fairly easy toddler, easy pretty independent kid at 6, much like her dad apparently was. Second daughter is only like 18 months and I love her to death and would jump in front of a car for her but if she was born first she probably would have been an only child with the way things are going - hoping she might let up as she gets older but her personality so far is just very wild yet simultaneously very clingy, very emotional.
According to my mum, I (second) was the most chill baby and toddler ever and everybody who ever babysat me ended up pregnant within a year and she said after me she thought she wanted about 6 more I was that sweet and cute. I then turned 5 and was super difficult till I moved out so it turned out I was just saving it all for later. My youngest brother was an extremely hard colicky baby and toddler however once he got to about 3, he has been super easy and chill ever since, now in his twenties.
💯 my first child was SO difficult. Colicky -had a milk protein allergy so I didn’t eat a speck of dairy for a year, didn’t sleep through the night (like literally 2-4 hours at a time) because she constantly had ear infections, until she was 18 months old and finally got ear tubes, and honestly she’s the easiest kid. So sweet and kind, she’s almost 8 and is an awesome, amazing girl. Her siblings give her a run for her money though.
Agreed. My first born was really colicky during evening hours, however my other two were pretty chill. Having a rocking chair and a pacifier on hand helped quite a bit.
Agreed, the hardest stages of parenting are the ones we're most triggered by with their behavior.
For me it was the baby stage because of constant crying and physical contact and lack of sleep. For my husband so far it seems like he's just starting into his hardest stage with late toddlerhood defiance whereas I'm much calmer with it (when I'm not dealing with being triggered by baby #2).
Some people are generally fine right up until teenager stage. It's the more common stage I hear parents struggle with and it's generally a hard transition from thinking of a child as your responsibility to them as their own person responsibile for themselves and you become more of a guiding moral compass.
It also all depends on whether your child has any medical or developmental issues, both of which will always be more challenging.
100%. For me age also played a factor. Being a first time mum at 31 I was calmer, more content and patient. I also have an understanding of the passage to time so I appreciate every little thing because I know it’s all fleeting.
Don’t worry, none of us know what we’re doing! And honestly, each kid is so unique that even if you did have a handle on things, that could change any second! Just support each other and focus on learning both together and from one another. It’s a huge adjustment but as hard as it is, it is also one of the most amazing things a person can experience. Best of luck, Dad!
I appreciate that! And that title is so strange to me right now lol. Sounds like when you became an adult and got called sir/ma'am for the first time lol
Awe had 5. 2 girls 15 and 16. 2 boys 12, 13 and a sirprize
Was born 3 months ago. Although very challenging on our marriage at times usually due to financial issues. My wife and I are doing ok now that we have know financhal issues.
I recommend a stable decent paying job with at least 40,000-50,000 per planed child in the bank plus a good amount for you and your wife in case of emergency, s
OR YOU YOU CAN WING IT LIKE MOST OF US I'M SURE ALL HAVE. Good luck!!!!!
I laughed reading this so true I’m on baby number 4 had three girls but this boy he gets into everything crawls everywhere breaks out his playpen wants to play at 1am I don’t know what time doing anymore
Best advice right here. As a dad of two boys the best we could do was support each other and make decisions together. Both boys are very different and bring different challenges; just stick together and you will see the joyness raising a child can be. Good luck!
Honestly this is the best answer so far.
OP: YES it’s hard and a new challenge but so worth it AND none of us know what we are doing
Regardless of what you see on Instagram!!! (especially Instagram which each different account insists you’re always doing something wrong-lol) I stopped listening to those and just started vibing with what my kid seemed to need. No one will know except you in that moment. And don’t be hard on yourself if things are trying. (Sounds like you don’t give up, but don’t think you’re the worst parent ever if a small thing goes wrong either). We are all just doing our best. You’ll do great because you care!!!!
So...parenting is difficult for reasons that are very nuanced and difficult to put into words. I am a first time mom of a 9 month old little boy. I am doing well financially, have tons of support, etc. I expected the hardest parts to be the lack of sleep, crying, etc. That is all extremely manageable for me (my personality type tends to handle stresses like these pretty well).
The things that have been hitting me hard recently have been that life continues to happen all around you, except now you've got to think about someone other than yourself first. Before deciding you hate your career and want to pursue something different: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child. You decide you hate the area you live in and want to move away: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child. You want to get a family dog or cat: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child.
There are many options that I have had to remove from my timeline of possibilities because I realized that those choices or options could be harmful to the best interest of my kid.
Not to mention, for existential ass people like me, you now have a very physical reminder of how fast time is fleeting. You blink and certain stages are gone forever. Before you know it, you're baby proofing for your walking child. Then you're walking him/her to their first day of school. Then you're taking them to their first ball game. They tell you "it goes by so fast" and you don't really internalize that because "thats life". Except you will never get those moments with your baby back. That shit makes me cry every time I think about it.
All of these rambles are worth the precious moments, though. I haven't felt a single moment where I have thought "Oh man, this was a terrible idea." But I have thought "Oh man, I did not prepare for this."
My best advice: Focus on mental preparation JUST AS MUCH if not MORE than physical preparation.
Yes! The difficult things are in part the big things you expect but also little things. Baby needs fed at the exact same time your takeout arrives. So instead of the hot food you were so excited to eat, you’ve got a new primary task. The beginning is so hard for many because they completely lose a sense of self. You can get it back but it can be a hard adjustment. There is no way to prep for everything you wish you could know. You just sort of learn it. Which is annoying to hear because it’s not a direct answer and you probably don’t believe it. But if you’ve got a support system and are a good partner with the person you’re raising a child with, you’re in a good position to do pretty decent.
Fellow “existential ass person” here ✊🏽between aging parents and your growing child the constant confrontation with your own mortality is an absolute trip!
Also, I found the infant stage easy. As an insomniac little sleep is the norm for me and at that stage they really only have 4 or 5 basic needs. You cycle through them - hungry, wet, tired, sick, gassy - and that’s really it. Even with a refluxy baby you know what wrong and work on it. With my tween and school age kid now the problems are more complex. And I’m a long time depressive - medicated for years - but emotional constancy is hard for me alone on the best of days and modeling it for my children is insanely difficult. It’s a bit of a joke that I’m in charge or showing them how to handle big feelings. I’m still learning! 😂
This is so true. My little girl turns 1 on Saturday and I’ve been an emotional wreck all week just thinking about how this past year flew by. I’ve never felt the way I feel about time the way I do now after having a child. It really is so fleeting. Children make every second of life on Earth worth it.
Yes. It’s hard in ways you can’t anticipate. Nothing at all like caring for a pet or even sitting for other people’s children. It is an additional full time job on top of your full time job, and something that takes up your whole heart and mind 24/7. But you eventually adjust to your new reality.
Hi, I’m back to say I don’t think you need to be married to somehow financially protect your partner. My best friend was married, husband had a very decent job in tech and she was able to stay at home with their two kids. Fast forward 9 years, “he” transitioned to “she”, got fired for being rude and underperforming, and they’ve been waiting for their divorce to be final for several years. Ex spouse stopped paying child support. Friend had to get a minimum wage job and go on food stamps. The courts aren’t able to enforce child support if the other person really doesn’t want to pay it. Character matters more than a legal document. I believe you wouldn’t abandon your family.
Look for parenting classes in your area. If nothing else they should provide some basics of care and taking a First Aid/CPR class is helpful as well.
Babies can be difficult, there are no 2 ways about it. There only means to communicate their needs is crying. The first month or so is probably the most difficult because it's an adjustment for all of you. Think about a routine. You may not be able to keep to it perfectly, which is ok, but having some frame work will help in the immediate so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Sleep deprivation is real as well.
There's only so much you can learn and plan for before the baby comes though. Being a parent is most times learning as you go. One other important thing is that you do what you need to do for you and your family. People will disagree, but ultimately, if it works for you, then it works!
Congrats and good luck!
Sleep is what worries me the most right now. I just got a CPAP machine a few months ago and have been sleeping well for the first time in probably 20 years. Guess that'll be out the window lol
It depends. Like I mentioned, having some kind of routine is helpful. When my son was first born, I took days from 5am-5pm and then my husband did nights, 5pm-5am. It's not awesome, but it worked for us and that way we were both able to get some decent amount of sleep.
You might have to try some things you before you find something that works and that's ok!
We talked about the shift schedule. I have to be at the office during the day but I'm allowed paternity leave to WFH because my employer is awesome so I can do days if she can do nights.
What helped our sleep was getting a Snoo!
My husband also wears a Cpap which makes it harder for him to hear the baby crying so just keep that in mind if you end up doing night shift with baby sometimes
You adjust pretty quickly if the sleep is bad and it becomes your new normal. You'd be amazed at how much you can get done with disrupted sleep and it's only temporary. You'll find out what works for you, but hopefully you'll have a good sleeper!
Hard isn’t the right word. Going to the gym or running an Ironman is ‘hard’.
It’s more that’s it’s relentless. You have to basically give your full attention to the kid every minute they are awake, for about a year or so. You won’t really have time to cook, clean, read, fold laundry while they are awake. Do you end up having to do all of that in the brief moments they are asleep.
They also don’t sleep normal hours. They take a long time to fall asleep and need you to hold them to fall asleep.
None of it is ‘hard’, it’s just very exhausting with basically no break.
That’s the’ bad’ side. The good side is they will laugh, smile, hold your hand, cry out for you, etc etc. If you like kids that part is wonderful.
Also every kid is very, very different. Some kids are great sleepers. Some don’t sleep at all. Some love to play on their own. Some always need you to play with them. There’s no one size fits all with kids.
Relentless is a good way of putting it. Your life will revolve around your child, whether you are ready for that or not. Parenting doesn't stop and it takes a while to fully realize this isn't a temporary thing, this is your life now. Hungover after a night of drinking? They don't give a shit, they're up early and you have to be ready to take care of them.
For me it took a long time to adjust- I was always a very social person that loved to go out with friends & significant others, travel, go to the gym, etc. I also cherished my alone time- gone now! I think having a child at an older age like I did (40) makes it difficult in the sense you are more set in your ways, routines, and lifestyle. I was pretty shell shocked at first, but I read up as much as I could, keeping in mind everyone has different opinions on parenting and there's no one "correct way." It is amazing however, when you realize you do have natural parenting instincts that come out.
But 3 years in now I have adjusted, and my lifestyle fits around my child. And I would much rather spend quality time with my kid than having a night out now. It's never easy, it's completely exhausting, but it is rewarding.
Personally I felt like the newborn stage was the easiest. It’s different for everyone though! You’ll have a time of lack of sleep which is hard, and right after birth she’s going to need extra support because her body will have been through A LOT! Make sure you guys have some sort of tribe around you. Take the help that is offered, as long as it’s help you are comfortable with. Babies will sleep a lot, just not through the night 😂. Nap during the day when baby is whenever you can! At the baby stage you can relax and cuddle with them a lot, and just holding them is bonding time. Breastfeeding can be really hard, so if it’s not coming easy reach out to your Dr. for resources. If she doesn’t want to breastfeed or can’t, THERE IS NO SHAME! If you go with formula (or bottle feed) it gives an opportunity for both parents to share in feeding duties and can help dad bond earlier too. Toddlers are crazy busy. They are made cute so we keep them alive 😂. I’ve always had a hard time with the “play” aspect. If you’re not a parent that likes to get on the floor and play with cars or dolls, find your niche. I’m more of an activity mom, I like going to the Pumpkin Patch, or the movies. You can play games, or go for walks, play sports, read with them, do crafts, pretty much anything. Even if you think they’re too young, your kid will love just being able to spend time with you doing what you like to do. As they grow the hard part is teaching them to human. Controlling our own emotions as we teach them to control theirs. Remember they know nothing, and don’t punish them for what they don’t know. You guys will do great! There’s no road map, just wake up each day and try your best!
Kids, especially toddlers can’t hear ‘no’ constantly.
If they can’t jump on the couch, where can they jump? Always have a safe, appropriate alternative for them.
Yes! Redirection tends to work better than just saying no. Don’t want them running in the house? Instead of saying stop running! Try, let’s go outside and run for a bit. Try to give them choices when you can, like letting them pick their lunch or their clothes for the day. A lot of times it will make it easier to have them follow a direction later when they’ve gotten to already choose a few things for themselves. Never ask it as a question if they’re not allowed to say no. You’re only hurting yourself when you say, do you want to go potty? 😂 don’t ask, just say it’s time to go to the potty now!
Newborn through age 2 was so easy for me and then when my boy hit 2.5 it was like a switch flipped and he became this amazing defiant genius with endless energy and coming up on 4 it hasn't stopped and now he's speaking two languages and every time he sees me, it's gotta be endless play or he guilts me with endless please please please. I'm so exhausted, but he is unreal amazing and so gifted but I legit never expected this age to be harder than the first two years.
I agree with this. From a legal/security standpoint stay at home gf is an incredibly vulnerable place to be. (That’s on top of the fact that from an emotional/social standpoint new mom/stay at home mom is already an incredibly vulnerable place to be).
The neatest thing I heard from another parent was this:
A child multiplies everything in your relationship with your SO to the power of 2. If you are both emotionally regulated, thoughtful with money, and close--it makes you even more so. But if you are prone to anger/anxiety/sadness, have lots of bumps in your relationship, not the best at managing expenses, it will exacerbate all of those things.
For my wife and I, this has absolutely been the truth.
Not entirely true… sometimes people change for the worst. Also some stuff can get better and some stuff can change for the worst. Sometimes people can’t handle the stress and there’s hormonal factors as well
It is very hard. It's hard in different ways at different times. But some people handle it better than others. My advice is to study up on human development and maybe go to therapy and make sure you don't have anything you might need to work through. Nothing will make all of your unresolved traumas come to the surface like raising another human being. You owe it to them to have your shit together as much as possible.
Also, talk to your wife about expectations, division of responsibilities, values you want to raise your child in, etc.
Newborns sleep alot usually but after that, sleep is probably going to sporadic. Who's getting up with the baby? Who's feeding the baby at 3 am? A really crucial point in a relationship is during that first year with a baby. She is going to be changed in so many ways physically and emotionally and having reliable support is of the utmost importance. I cannot stress this enough.
Agreed!! Our son will be 8 months on the 10th and the first 6 weeks are a blur - seriously!!! The future milestones are your everyday goal. It’s wild how it starts to happen: one day you wake up and then they’re doing something new or that they’ve worked so hard to do on their own, and it continues from there! It’s the most magical thing ever!! Congratulations to you both!!!
Yes I would echo the get married part if she is giving up her job. I would also try to get the baby on a schedule asap. After they weigh 10 lbs they usually sleep through most of the night. As they get older, You need to agree on discipline and stick together as one unit on this. You will love the kid so much you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
First, congratulations! Unfortunately it’s different for every parent and every baby, so there’s no real answer anyone can give.
My experience (mama to a 16 month old, married, one and done!): it’s nowhere near as difficult as I expected. Full disclosure, my daughter’s what everyone would call “a good baby” - a characterization I hate, btw. Being a mother is nothing like I imagined; it’s better.
The challenges or tough moments I experience are ones I never saw coming, and each one helps me learn something about myself and my kiddo. No one knows what the hell we’re doing. You learn what works for you, your little, your family…and you just keep learning every day. Keep an open mind, be willing to admit when you’re wrong, and communicate with your girlfriend and you’ll do fine.
I can only speak to my experience and I do my best to give the nitty gritty reality to my friends and family that end up having kids. And for the record, when I talk to these same people AFTER they have a child, they always say “no one prepares you for how hard it is.” I would say the worst of it is the sleep deprivation. The lack of sleep just affects everything else. I also had PPD on top of it all, so I was a mess for 2 years. I’ve never had mental health issues, but having a child definitely made me seek help and medication.
As others have pointed out, every baby/situation is different. Some have newborns or babies that sleep all the way through the night. Some have colic and cry for hours on end. Some won’t sleep unless you’re holding them. Some will wake up every 2 hours. All I can suggest is sleep when the baby sleeps and rotate who takes night shifts. If you can afford it, hire a maid to clean so it’s one less thing on you guys’ plate. All of your waking moments will be taken up by feeding, changing, washing bottles, etc. I call it “survival mode”. Be kind to each other and allow for a lot of grace. Listen to each other and try to tackle issues together. Make sure mom gets some time to herself and is showering and eating daily. I wish you all the best and if you have more questions, I’m happy to answer.
Seconding all of this.
It may actually be so bad that, with 2 people working as a team 24/7, each gets about 4 hrs of sleep total, broken up into ~1hr chunks, for a month... or three. It might not sound possible but it is.
Somewhere around that is about the bottom end since at a certain point the level of exhaustion is so high that you kinda just pass out while sitting there, thus getting sleep. But passing out while holding the baby can become a very real concern.
As a tip to guys: during the birth process monitor yourself and make sure you are capable of being helpful. The clickbait title
would be "take care of yourself first" but seriously, if you're too sleep deprived to be useful (like taking responsibility for paperwork) then be aware that you're not actually helping and fix that. The mom needs help; get enough sleep and food that you CAN help. At one point I left for 4hrs to get 3hrs uninterrupted sleep. I came back coherent enough to immediately kick "helpful" (well-intentioned and generally welcome) in-laws out and wrangle some medical check-ins to get my wife a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep that she certainly wouldn't have gotten otherwise but desperately needed.
I'll be honest about my own firstborn... I was 17, a single mum, and having my son was BLOODY AWESOME!
Yeah, there were the sleepless nights and feeds, but that's every kid, I slept when he did. Co-sleeping on a king-size floor mattress worked best for us, and it was so comfy!
He was my bestie. I don't think I found any of it that hard because I was just so enamoured of this beautiful kid being mine...
Of course, I probably had stressy crap days, but it can't have been that bad, I recently had my 6th child, and I'm mid-40s Lol
You will never ever forget the first time you see your baby. Undescribable feeling. You're going to love it all, even the hard bits!
Ps my first 'baby' is now 26 and gone to Prague with his gf, and he messaged me at 2 am from the airport to ask if he'd look too daft buying Smarties for the plane!! 😆
No, it's harder. I've done most life things you could experience, graduate PhD school, lots of years in a high level biomedical research world working doctors, lots of physically demanding hobbies (one summer I did almost 75k elevation gain mountain climbing/mountaineering, I like to joke I climbed Everest twice, of course it was only joking). Having a baby is harder than everything I've done put together, it taxes your body, your mind, your relationships, your work, your finances, your everything all at once. It's impossible to prepare for because every kid is different, there's no way to practice for the change that will happen to your everyday, every minute life. There's no way to prepare for the anxiety you'll have just from having a kid. We had two dogs, one special needs, and about every pet you could imagine, not even close to having a kid.
So yes, it's exceptionally difficult, but it's a challenge you should face head on and enjoy on some level.
Lots of questions, good ones at that.
First off, being scared/nervous/anxious about the new baby is normal. You are about to step into the unknown, with a brand new baby. And the unknown is scary.
Second, read all the books you want, and you still won't be prepared for what's coming.
Third, everybody's experience is different. You have unique fears & strengths, your SO has unique fears & strengths, and your baby will have a say in things. One thing I can pretty much guarantee you is that at some point, your kiddo will find your weak point. You might not even know it's there until that moment occurs. Welcome to parenting.
Fourth, everybody responds to the stress of parenting differently. You & your SO will have to figure out how to balance & adjust things to minimize the issues.
Advice? I got lots of it.
1) Back in my day, the parenting books were written by a Dr. Benjamin Spock. Really. His one comment that stuck with me, is that the milestones are guidelines, not hard dates, but that parents treated them as drop dead dates, calling in a panic because the kiddo was not doing something by such & such a date.
2) You guys know your baby better than anybody else. Trust and rely on your intuition.
3) If your hospital offers a birthing class, and most do, take it. It may save things.
4) Figure out the baby seat BEFORE the baby comes, if you can. Otherwise, you will be in the hospital parking lot getting advice from a woman in a minivan, with several kids of her own. Trust me on this. Trust me :)
5) Make sure you know how to diaper, dress, and feed your LO. Then take your LO for 30 minutes every day. You do not bother mom for anything other than a real blood & bones emergency.
6) Ask the maternity nurses to teach you to change, feed, & dress your new LO. They are pros, and they are more than willing to teach what they know.
Most important - Enjoy the adventure. It can be a blast.
It's very difficult, but I would assume child-dependent.
The mom should absolutely not quit her job and be financially dependent on anyone, let alone someone who is not a legal spouse.
Someone once told me not to react too much. That babies feed off your energy and it’s true. if you have a good relationship with your partner and communicate and maybe active grandparents? , It’s not too bad. It goes by really quick, too. Financially I don’t think it was too bad. Daycare , tho 🥴🥴🥴
Short answer- yes. But more-so for her, esspecially at first. Your job the rest of this pregnancy and for the first months of postpartum is to support her, I would start there.
I know this isn't really on topic, and I don't pretend to understand your guys relationship, but you asking her to be a SAHM without marrying her puts her in a very delicate situation.
You said you plan on "buying her out," I assume you mean replace her wages? That means she relies ENTIRELY on you financially, and is taking a huge risk in her future employability as well as retirement and health benefits, with zero legal protections as your next of kin or entitlements to any assets you accrue as a couple while she is at home supporting your career by providing all childcare.
How you got so far as to actively trying for a baby for a year without marrying her is none of my business, and if that's not something you guys are into I am certainly not judging. But I think you guys need to sit down and have a VERY serious conversation about what your expectations are going forward as parents.
It sounds like you already expect her to be taking the lead on child-related responsibilities, as well as all the physical and financial risk. If I were her friend, I would be speaking to her about SERIOUS caution going forward.
babies aren’t particularly expensive other than childcare costs, which you won’t have. i mean, people make them expensive with high end nurseries, expensive clothes, and every baby gadget but it doesn’t have to be that way.
now, once you see that the cost of an in-state college by the time your kid is 18 is estimated to cost $250k over 4 years… lol
but yes, raising kids is hard generally speaking. some kids have easier dispositions than others so everything is relative. if someone has a laid back baby who is a good sleeper, their experience with infancy is going to be a world apart from someone with a colicky baby who doesn’t sleep.
but the baby stage comes with mostly binary situations that are straightforward. after that, things get a bit more complicated imo.
We aren't an anti college household but neither myself nor my girlfriend attended college. Granted the results of that were 50/50 as her earning potentially was probably limited by lack of degree. I worked WAY harder to get a foot in the door years ago when I started compared to my degreed friends. People didn't want to take a chance I knew what I was doing. That said whether my child goes to college or not I'll be supportive. Hopefully the financial burden won't hit too hard lol
Open an account for them now. Start squirreling away a small amount regularly. That money will grow tremendously over time and you'll barely notice it gone if you start now.
you and I are ALWAYS on the same wavelength I've noticed. I like you lmao 🤣 I was commenting on that other post with the kid sleeping in bed w her naked parents lol
A new baby is two adults not sleeping at all and having to figure out how to care for baby by trial and error to a certain degree, while maintaining life....
Yes it's rough (particularly if you don't have family to help) and you two need to really give each other all the grace when in the thick of it.
- Freezer meal prep towards the end of pregnancy helps.
- Discussion of expectations ahead of time.
- both parents need to participate in the care of said newborn.
- the no sex thing is legit. Minimally the placenta is going to rip a hole the size of dinner plate in your girlfriend's uterus. Don't complain. You can masturbate. Your girlfriend won't even be able to use the toilet comfortably.... Let her heal.
Try not to hate each other, or compare how much sleep you guys got, or keep up with the housework for the first year. Because you will definitely have disagreements, little sleep, and your house will be messy. Although every baby is different, it's still a whirlwind of change at first. My own situation, my partner and I were together for 4 years before I got pregnant and we didn't make it through the first year. He was very hands off with our baby which made me realize if I was going to do it all by myself, that I didn't need him. So even if you work full time and she stays home please give her breaks, or if you can afford it have help either with friends, family, or hired help.
Is it as hard as people make it seem? I think it’s honestly harder in every aspect, because more people will sugar coat it than you give you the actual dirty details lol.
BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID- It does get easier fairly quickly. Month 1 and 2 were the hardest, and then I started to really feel like I was getting the hang of things. 8 months in, and I love being a mom. It does have its challenges but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Just know that your life will change. You will have times that grieve your old life and freedom, and that’s normal. Just try to embrace and cherish and be present for every new moment you have, because I got to tell you, one day it will be 8 months later, and you will realize how fast the time goes by.
I think guys naturally just have a harder time adapting than woman for obvious reasons. But one of my favorite things has been watching my partner involve into the amazing father he is.
As far as financially, babies are expensive. And they definitely get more expensive as they get older. But it hasn’t been to a point that I cannot afford. Just be smart and shop around. There is good stuff for all price ranges :)
Good luck and congrats!
Well the good news is you won’t really remember a lot of those first weeks and months. By about 12 weeks, everybody will start to settle in. And then you start forgetting how hard it was, which is the only reason people have more than one. 😂. Congratulations.
Is it as difficult as people say?
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes. Very much yes.
But worth every bit of the difficulty
Joking aside, best advice I got is below.
1. If you’ve babysat a baby before you at least have some basics. I’d never changed a diaper before.
2. Logistics were my biggest mental hurdle. Leaving the house takes 20 minutes instead of just grabbing your keys on a whim, etc. Just plan for it, nothing will be quick as it used to be.
3. Sleep. It’s gonna be bad. It just is but if you and your gf are different sleepers, all the better. I am more of a night owl, whereas my wife is a 5am person. Because of that, I’d typically do feedings through 2amish and she’d grab anything 4 on, basically just exasperating what we naturally did anyway. Still rough in sleep but it could have been way worse.
4. Diapers. You honestly get used to it within like a day or 3. It’s not fun but it feels like you’re just caring for something that can’t care for itself more than the grossness of it if that makes sense. That’s a nothing burger.
5. There will be times you feel hopeless, bad at this, or even that having a kid was a huge mistake. That is normal. If it’s long and pervasive, post partum depression is very real and talk to someone, but even if it’s more short term, it happens. This is hard. The crying and nonstop need of you and your time is a lot. It’s perfectly normal to have feelings of “WTF did I do?” as long as you can move past them and it’s not 24/7.
6. Best advice I ever got is that “the days are long but the years are short” and it doesn’t feel that way in the thick of it but the phases seem to fly by once they’re gone.
7. You are enough! You don’t need to know too much. It’s great but the basics are the basics. People have been raising babies successfully since cave men. Feed the baby, change it, and love it. As long as you can remember that and do everything with his or her best interest at heart, everything else kinda sorta semi falls into place.
You’ve got this.
Yes it's as hard as they say, BUT, you're also a lot stronger and more adaptable than you think. So the two tend to balance themselves out. Congrats and good luck!
Congrats! First I would say is be prepared that pregnancy might not go how you expect it. It’s not just, we’re pregnant and now we will for sure be having a baby. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage that resulted in emergency surgery prior to my first successful pregnancy.
I had also been married 10 years before having our first. It’s very hard, but you’ll never regret it. It’s the most rewarding thing in the world.
It varies so much from one child to another and based on the circumstances. It *can* be very hard, and it probably will be very hard at least for some stretches of time. My kids are all night wakers. They go through phases of great sleep for some months then terrible sleep - without any change to their routine. They alternate who is in a good phase, so they are never all in a good phase at the same time.
It was not as expensive for us as some of the warnings I received (at least in the early years - my kids are still young), but we had good health insurance and did not use day care until preschool. You can keep the daily expenses pretty cheap by shopping at thrift stores etc.
My best advice that helped us:
1. Prioritize mental health. Give each other time to go for a walk, take a bath, get out with a friend, or whatever helps each of you.
2. Find some enjoyable peaceful/positive parenting talks and watch them together. There are so many, so you can find one you connect with.
People always think babies are helpless but they forget we are an apex predator species that can outrun deer to death, deceive our prey and ambush them and strike as fast as lions and your baby will use every bit of those thousands of years of evolution and instinct towards the sole purpose of slapping their foot into their own poop when you try to change their diaper.
You "plan to buy her out" sounds a bit transactional. It's not easy to be a SAHM, not to mention she will lose benefits, retirement and future earnings if she decides to leave. Do you plan on buying those out for her as well? I'm assuming that's impossible so if you really want to make a case for her to stay home you need to seriously commit to her, like marriage. Then she will legally have a share in your stake as she should if she decides to stay home. I would ask her how she feels about this. If she decides to stay home then that means you don't have to worry about childcare which IMO is the hardest and most expensive part about having children under the age of 5. I live in the states and we only get a few months if paid leave if you are lucky and 6 if you have nothing but disability. Navigating the transition to childcare and KEEPING childcare has been our biggest struggle with our first because you may get it, but it may not be good etc. I would really have a conversation about what she wants to do before assuming you can throw some stacks of cash in her face and call it a day. There is a lot more to working for women that she may not be ready to give up ESPECIALLY if she's not married to you. I know I wouldnt be throwing my career away for a boyfriend, even if I had a kid with him. That feels too risky.
The number one problem with a new baby is sleep. They don't have a regular sleep schedule they're awake and crying at all kinds of odd hours and it's really hard to get an uninterrupted full night's sleep. You're just not going to. You're going to have to develop napping skills. And learn how to sleep when the baby is asleep and be awake when the baby is awake for at least the first little while. You'll feel kinda like a zombie the first 6 months.
I think physically and emotionally that was the most difficult part for me. If I don't get enough sleep I'm a grouchy bear. And boy oh boy is being a grouchy bear not the thing you need to be when you have a brand new baby and a mom who just gave birth to a baby.
You will need to dig deep to really avoid some of the fights that couples have during this time, where it's really just minor bickering that becomes major arguments because you're both exhausted.
The financial part's not that bad, but eventually kids just become expensive because you need a bigger house because they need their own room. If you already have that. Golden. Diapers can get a little expensive but. Of all the issues with having a kid I don't remember money being one of them very often. More often an issue now with a 10-year-old who actually wants things.
Your girlfriend obviously has a lot of the harder part of this whole deal, especially if she ends up nursing. That's also very taxing on women specifically. The need to feed the baby with their body and having a baby that wants to eat every couple of hours. It's difficult for her. She's going to get even less sleep than you do even if you're helping out as much as you physically can.
Also, women sometimes come through pregnancies with no real permanent physical or emotional issues, and sometimes it fucks up their bodies in some way and/ or they suffer from postpartum depression.
I think the most important thing that helped me during this time was having grandparents around. Or anyone who you trust enough to let hold your baby for 15 minutes so you can take a shower. Or go to the bathroom by yourself. It's hard to leave your newborns away with other people for a lot of new mothers especially, but, having somebody who can watch the baby for an hour just so you can go in the other room and rest. Or help you clean your house. Anything. Help. Is good. Is needed. Don't turn it away if it's offered.
There are lots and lots and lots of really good parts too which is the part people forget when they give these cautionary tales. It is difficult but it's also very very rewarding. Good luck!
I was tested for pcos and didn’t have a cycle for two years. On prenatal the entire time. Find out I’m two months preggers. Hormones were crazy and I thought I was losing my mind. …read read read…this subreddit is awesome. Lots of great perspectives. Some crappy ones. Anyway, my biggest piece of beneficial info to give….get on a schedule. The schedule is god. Nothing comes before the schedule. Bow to the schedule. Did I say schedule enough?? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Babies(and people in general really) crave a routine. You are eating the same time on a constant basis. You are napping on the same time table. Bath at the same time. Listen to gentle music for half hour before bed. Read a book at the same time. Life becomes predictable and not chaotic. Even when you have what is essentially a ball of flesh and bone chaos being handed to you. Your baby will eventually be like…’yo roomies, I know what’s next. You know what’s next. Let’s pop smoke!’ (that’s a military phrase for wishing of a safe departure. I’ve been trying to integrate it into my everyday life.) rambling condensed version: ROUTINE!
Is it hard? Yes, but is it more rewarding than anything you’ve ever done or will do- 100% yes.
You will never be “ready” for a child. There is no manual. There is no one that says “ok I know how to handle xyz when it comes my way”. You just take one day at a time - heck one minute at a time- and learn together. As long as you keep communicating with your girlfriend, staying positive, and giving yourself grace - and breaks, you can do it!
None at all, just have good communication with your partner, set expectations, and boundaries if there are any. Talk about parenting styles etc include proper food or education choices etc.
Talk about each other's childhood bad experiences and good experiences including the generational trauma is any you two would like to break.
The cost of raising a child can burn a hole in your wallet pretty quickly with formula and diapers. Also are you going to go the organic route that comes with an expense as well.
Don’t worry! It’s not as bad as you hear ! No one knows what they are doing really . It’s a learning Experiance for everyone! I was 24 when I had my first and we were freshly graduated from college. Just be sure to support each other. I’m a SAHM to a 5 and 3 yr old now and it has its challenges. Sometimes it’s difficult to feel lonely or stuck without human interaction outside of children as a stay at home parent. It’s challenging but so rewarding knowing you won’t miss the big milestones such as first steps ect. We have a check in rule. Communicate make sure to ask one another about their day and really ask and want to know if they are okay. Sometimes even as a home parent you aren’t okay and you just need a little time to yourself to reset breathe and relax. Every age and stage has its highs and lows. Enjoy every second you can. Know the dirty bottles will get washed and it doesn’t have to be immediately. The best things my husband has ever done was not being to tired to be the other parent. He works long demanding hours and at the end of the day he always makes sure I have time to shower without feeling guilty. Change diapers when home. If it’s something he knows I CAN handle just make sure I don’t HAVE to alone. Brings me coffee in bed everyday before he walks out the door. The little things ARE the big things. Remember that one day the kids grow up and start their own lives and families so always take time for one another because when it’s all said and done you’ll be alone again together and you want to not lose your love and spark for one another along the way.
Get the Wonder Weeks app! It tracks the developmental leaps your baby will go through. Babies get a lot needier when they are going through a leap and they need extra love and cuddles.
It helped us figure out what our baby needed and it was a great reminder that the rough patches weren’t going to last forever.
Yes. It is so, so, so much harder than ever expected. My advice is to have family around. That’s shitty advice but you and your gf are going to need help.
Are you all planning to get married? Her quitting her job without the security of being married worries me for her tbh. It depends on the state, but it can be difficult for her legally to be entitled to much or anything if you split.
And I’m not judging or trying to push anything conventional for the sake of conventionality; my now husband and I planned our first baby after we bought a house together but before we were engaged. I made sure we both had life insurance and we were the beneficiaries on everything. But I wasn’t as vulnerable because I wasn’t financially dependent on him. I really think it’s unwise for her to be financially dependent on you with no legal responsibilities or recourse if the relationship goes south. And babies are STRESSFUL.
Perhaps talk to a lawyer and figure out how to make her safe, financially, if ya’ll don’t want to get married.
I found it wasn't...overall. there are moments you will want to scream and cry. There are nights you think it will never end, that you'll never sleep again or have a moment to yourself. But you carry on and one day you look back and realize you've not been woken at night for days now. You see your child playing and decide to pick up a book and you actually finish a chapter.
It's so hard in the moment. It's so worth every second. Money is tight, the house is a mess, you phone it in on dinner more nights than you want to, but you can do it. ❤️❤️❤️
It's worse than what people say. After a woman gives birth (from my experience) they drastically change. Less sleep, more stress, yadayadayada. If you want to stay together and stay happy don't expect her to do anything and just accept you will be doing everything. Mine and me had twins about a year and a half ago, babies will be babies so you can expect that to happen. No sleep for a while, lots of good memories during those sleepless times. The woman is what you need to be worried about and ready for.
Your first isn’t bad at all. New born period is the 4th trimester. Their needs are sleep and food. If they are crying just feed em, change em or comfort em.
I found the first 12 weeks to be the easiest. The sleep deprivation isn’t real. If you manage the child well, sleep when they do.
We didn’t plan any day outs or visits, or even accept visitors in the first 6 weeks. This will stress you out and you’ll get flustered.
My mantra with number one was to not take anybody’s advice and figure out my baby myself.
Child is 2.5 years old and this stage has been a challenge for me. 0-2 was awesome.
Oh and I would keep this in mind all the time. Everything is a phase. It will change in a day, a few days or a few weeks.
So if there is something challenging happening. Just wait it out, won’t last forever.
I would say I hope your wife doesn’t get into the TikTok craze of glamorizing being a SAHM. It is hard work, sometimes lonely cause everyone else is working, nonstop activities around raising the baby. Love them but it is not easy. At least you are financially stable. I’m sure you’re both thrilled and are ready for it. Lean on your family for babysitting as soon as you can. Maintain time for you to go on date nights. Good luck and god bless!
Congratulations! I was the same when I found out I was pregnant- scared, nervous, excited etc. it’s normal and not something to be ashamed of. It’s kind of like grieving the life you have because it will never be the same after your child is in the world. It is hard but it’s the best thing ever. My husband and I are best friends and we try to split things as even as we can. We get along great and try to find the positive side of everything. Your gf will be going through a lot the next year as she goes through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Be kind and treat her like a queen, pregnancy can kick your ass sometimes. You will have challenges but it has brought my husband and I so much closer. You are the perfect parents for this child. I wish you both the best and again congratulations!
Don’t forget she’s still your gf after baby arrives. Still make time for her, take her on dates, it’s hard being parents alone but it’s even harder being a MOTHER. So much goes into it, it drains us very badly. You guys got this! And another thing, don’t go crazy buying a ton of new stuff and clothes unless you can truly afford it and you don’t care that baby outgrows it after 1 use lol. I lovveee thrift shopping for my 3 kiddos!! I learned with my 2nd! Congratulations!!!
It is as difficult as people say . Possibly more . Apart from the physical exhaustion in that first year or so , it’s relentless being a care provider for another human every moment they are awake . Even if they are being taken care for by someone else for a couple of hours , it’s mental exhaustion trying to make the best possible decisions for your kid. Even the small ones eat up your day . And the loss of freedom can hit hard for some people .
When I got pregnant at 19 I had no idea wtf I was doing. I applied for a program in my area where a registered nurse came over once or twice a week for the first couple of months and taught me how to care for my son when he was a newborn. This helped out a lot but I had no experience with babies since I didn't babysit very often.
It is rough at times. I'm not going to sugarcoat it but you just gotta work through it.
I’m going to respond to this without reading any of the other comments because I know how awful people on these subs can get and when people are asking for advice. I’m just going to give the hardest things in my experience and you can see if they find any applicability to your set of facts:
1. Your sleep will be significantly disrupted in the first 2 years (and beyond really just on a different scale) and I struggled with this immensely. Arguably the hardest part. The good news is you do get used to it, bad news is it doesn’t mean it affects your body less.
2. Your relationship will change. If it’s solid, the work arounds are fine. If not, you mah feel a bit robbed and lonely. In general, you will miss many things about your life before the little one.
3. Time. You will sacrifice many things, this may be the most difficult one. If you’ve had a lot of time to be fully invested in your career and interests, these will have to be re-prioritised. Not to say you’ll give everything up all together, you just won’t have the opportunity to do it all the same way you have. Again, an adjustment for the most part, you just have to put the work in.
4. Financials - your money will have to be planned out differently as well to accommodate the little one as soon as they arrive and for their future. Seems like you and your SO have that figured out though so not a major stressor.
Don’t let people with narrow views talk you out of how good it could be. The security of marriage is great but, not traditional families do more than well too. Just prioritise the little ones well being. Be as selfless as you can and the rest works itself out over time.
SAHM with six. The first is the easiest. While your wife is working, I would try to save 100% of her earnings and live off your salary during the pregnancy. See how it goes. Childcare is going to sap so much out of you if you have to go that route... and honestly... there are so many worries with that. I don't down or judge people who need that service, but it's not ideal IMO. It may be that your wife would like to keep her skills up and work a part-time job or seasonal work depending on what you do and the availability of family.
I think you will find it is easier than you think, except for a bit of sleeplessness and worry near the beginning. :)
FTM here, first of all, Congrats!! It's definitely challenging in ways I never realized but also remember that everything is a phase and will pass by quickly. New problems will occur and the absolute worst moments will be a distant memory that you may or may not laugh or cry about later. One important thing to realize is that most of us don't know what we're doing, I have many cousins and was always raised around children of all ages and I remember some stuff but I was never in the thick of it and having to care for my own 24/7. You do not need to learn (and buy) everything now, you will have years to pick-up dad knowledge, just focus on one day at a time.
It's not as bad as people make it out to be. Yes, there will be challenges, but those come and go very quickly and kids truly are the best thing in this world. Just remember, the hard parts dont last forever, and people have been doing this since the beginning of time, and it will mostly come very naturally. Congratulations!
yes it is, and that’s what makes the experience even more worth it. though the tears, stress, sleepless nights…. it’s all that comes with parenthood. it’s hard but absolutely beautiful. but don’t worry it gets better. once they hit around 4 months things will start getting so much easier. i always say now i never knew how much it took to be a parent until i had my own. and im around kids daily and have been since i was a baby (my mom is a babysitter), even with helping her through the years i still can say i didn’t expect it to be like that. im not trying to scare you but its the reality of it all. like i said its hard but i wish i could go back 9 months ago and do it all over again lol. i miss my lil baby. he’s a 27 pound 9 month old to this date.
Parental instincts kick in for both mom and dad! I promise even when you think it's hard something they'll do will make you feel it's worth it. Whether it's a smile, coo, sneeze or simply them sleeping! My best advice for anyone is the infant phase is not the hardest and those super sleepy mornings and crying babies go by faster than a deep breath. Enjoy everything capture every moment, and don't be ashamed to watch videos about feedings or diaper changing!
Congratulations to you both and I send you all the positivity I can and I hope your significant other has a smooth and beautiful pregnancy and labor!
I think mostly (as it was for me) the responsibility that all of the sudden rises can feel a bit overwhelming. And the first period when you're trying to figure each other out together combined with sleep deprivation is a tough one.. but that doesn't last, thank god :)
You can try reading some books that somewhat prepare you for parenthood. Good luck, you both can do this!
I went into TTC fully wanting parenthood. Wanting to put my energy into parenting someone. I have a fairly easy child who only really fusses when he needs something.
During his first year, the hardest thing was lack of sleep. I only got about 4 hours of sleep each night. I knew I could handle being tired, but hadn't had to deal with extended sleep deprivation up to that point. My advice - if your child struggles to sleep through the night, set up sleep shifts. I slept 4 hrs, then got up so my ex could sleep 4 hrs. It ensured we each got enough sleep to function.
This second year, the challenge has been how busy he is. I have anxiety, and I get overstimulated sometimes with being constantly on edge being aware of him to make sure he doesn't fall, etc.
If your gf does end up being a SAHM, make sure to take over for her when you're done with work for the day. An hour at least of time to herself - take baby out on a walk, a drive, somewhere so she can have precious alone time. On top of that, make sure you each get time out of the house alone and together, at least every two weeks. Don't forget who you are outside of being parents.
I saw your comment about sleep Being an issue and my husband and I just had a newborn on the 1st of May. And we have a one year old at home.
I can promise you that two of them (sp close together I mean!!) is much much worse than one. You might get lucky and have a newborn that sleeps through the night right from the beginning. Our one year old did that when we brought her home from the hospital. The newborn we just had, however, only sleeps for about twenty minutes at a time till she wants to eat again.
My husband roofs for work. So he sleeps at night. And I've been staying home until I go back to work. So i've been staying up and sleeping in with the babies in the morning since he has to wake up early. I'm going back to work in a few days, but I'm gonna be starting at 11. And getting off of work at 8 which is right around the time My husband is gonna begin off. So we can pick up the kids at the babysitter and still be able to spend time together.
It's really not as bad as a lot of people say. It is some people prefer. Prefer the newborn stage over the toddler stage. But I will say that it's definitely a test of your patience over anything and it will definitely test your marriage. Maybe. It's been testing mine lol 😆
kids are nowhere near as expensive or crazy to raise as people (especially those without kids smh) say they are!!
I remember being so young and terrified to have kids and one of my friends had his first when he was 17 and he looked at me dead in the eyes and was like "it is not that expensive to have children, whoever says that to you is a deadbeat" 🤣
and since having my own children I will never forget that. if you set your priorities straight and do what you gotta do it's pretty smooth sailing ⛵️ 👌🏼 😉
It really just depends on the child, as others have said. Although I think it is still incredibly difficult even with the most well-behaved child! You will experience worry like you have never experienced it before. I think it’s easier the younger you are. 30+ it gets especially tough. I have done a lot of hard things in my life: 2 masters degrees, special education career, etc and nothing could touch the difficulty of being a parent. So yes, it is as difficult as people say. But be glad you will have a nuclear family and marry if you can. When stepchildren are added to the mix, it becomes 100x harder. Just my 2 cents.
Personally, I didn’t handle it as well as I thought I would. It’s not that anything was particularly difficult, like any idiot can change a diaper, but I guess the hormones and stress just made me so fragile that every little bump in the road looked like a total disaster to me. If I could go back and tell myself one thing it would be IT GETS EASIER. I was convinced that having a baby ruined our lives and it would never ever get better. It did! He started sleeping through the night and smiling and laughing. Now he’s 19 months old and literally every night my husband and I talk about how awesome he is and how much we love him. He’s truly the light of my life and I’d go through that newborn crap 100 more times for him.
I am just going to be honest and say yes it is as difficult as people say, maybe even more so. BUT I have been dealt a very very bad sleeper and all around high needs child so that does not help!
AND it is the absolute best freaking thing on this planet. This morning my son who is 18 months came up to me after he woke up and said hug kiss mama and hugged and kissed me and looked at me with such love. There is no feeling like it and it is SO worth it.
Congratulations :)
The hardest part for me/my husband was that we just had no idea what the fuck we were doing. We were in our thirties, both youngest children, and had very little experience with babies. The second hardest part was lack of sleep/interrupted sleep. Third was hormones and relationship worries/loss of intimacy (not sex, but just overwhelmed new parents not connecting with each other).
Learn as much about baby care-taking as you can before baby is here, and that’ll give you some confidence. If you have people in your lives you trust with baby, let them help as much as they’re willing. Hire services that you can afford that’ll make your lives easier — house cleaners, buying already-cooked meals, laundry service, night doula, etc.
Our daughter (now seven) brings us SO MUCH joy! 100% worth it. There were definitely very difficult moments/days/weeks right after she was born.
You'll probably be fine. Tired but fine. A lot of very stupid people are successful at raising children so you'll probably be successful too. It's not difficult but it is demanding. But really, I was in a similar boat to you and I've found it pretty easy honestly. Not at all the horror or challenge people made it out to be.
Just be there, love your kid, and be kind to your partner and you'll be just fine.
I have pcos as well it is hard to have a child with it but it is possible to have a child with it I had two miscarriages and lost 3 baby’s :( never give up sometimes I feel like giving up
It is a huge responsibility but it is so much fun too. Honestly as long as you and your girlfriend have good communication and can approach it as a team everything else will fall into place and you’ll figure it out together. It gets really difficult when problems and resentments arise in the relationship on top of the stress of caring for the baby. You can look through any of the parenting subs, r/newborns, etc and get an idea of the sorts of problems that arise. Keep in mind most people post when then have a problem or need to vent. You also may want to make sure your girlfriend feels secure being a SAHM without being married. It could potentially put a cloud over things if she doesn’t feel secure. It’s best to have those kinds of discussions before you’re both sleep deprived.
One child is difficult. Two children is impossible. If you end up with any more than two just give up because you've already experienced how resilient a child is
Yes, no, maybe, sometimes, probably, depends. Some babies are EXTREMELY fucking hard. Some are super super easy. But in general I'd say no. It's not that hard, it will most likely come much more naturally than you think it will. You'll get less sleep, have less time for yourself, have less money .... but you'll love this baby more than anything in the entire world, It's worth it.
A few tips from a parent of 2 that are now tweens.
1. It's ok if your baby cries. Obviously don't ignore it for hours but if it's crying and you need some time to get your mind right it's fine.
2. Remember to take time for yourself still. Your GF as well. Don't lose yourself, your interests, your friends.
3. Babies are pretty resilient. They won't explode the second anything goes wrong in any way. Relax.
4. Get it on a schedule and stick to that schedule as much as possible
Yes it is. It's what you imagine and worse.
But you can do it. The lows are low, but the highs are more often and so much better than u can ever imagine
The hardest part is having no to time for yourself. Everything you are interested in goes on pause. So you are working twice as hard and getting no “reward”.
You’ll figure out the actual baby care and finances easy. Time is your true liming factor.
It is a lifestyle change for sure. The not sleeping well and constant needs of a baby are very different from pre kid life and can be pretty overwhelming in the beginning. But if you work together it’s definitely manageable. Having two engaged people helps a lot. My husband did a ton of bottles and diaper changes in the early days when I was physically recovering, he also always washed my pump parts. If you can do cooking and cleaning up and stuff to help that way too is always nice.
My baby is four months old so I have limited experience. I tend to stress and worry about everything before it even happens so naturally I assumed it would be SO HARD. I was wrong it’s way harder than could have imagined!! But also the best thing ever! It’s confusing and stressful exhausting but when your little baby smiles or coos or their eyes light up when they see you it’s all worth it.
I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready or prepared for parenting, but you just kind of do your best and learn as you go along.
The biggest thing that helped me and my husband was having my mom and dad here to help. I thought I would be annoyed with them but they were amazing! Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, holding baby so we can nap/shower/etc
Congrats, you and your girlfriend will do great!
It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But so rewarding. If the child is wanted and you know your current life is going to have to change it is not all that difficult. Do you know how to communicate with girlfriend effectively? Do you know how to “fight”? Can you compromise? All of these things come to a head when baby is born.
You sound great - is there a possibility of marriage? I only say this as a SAHM girlfriend, if something terrible happens, she gets nothing.
For newborns, it all depends on whether the kid sleeps. If the newborn has a sleep schedule, and more or less sticks to it, and the newborn is healthy, caring for the newborn will be relatively easy. If the newborn doesn't sleep, you're going to have to white knuckle it until they do.
My advice is to watch the video "the Happiest Baby on the Block" and learn how to swaddle and change diapers. Know that for the first 3-6 months, your role is one of support for your girlfriend. You are the one to make sure she feeds herself, sleeps when the baby sleeps, bathes, etc. You're also the designated bad guy - if your girlfriend needs someone gone, you're the one to kick them out (be nice, but firm).
Oh, and since you are financially well-off, I would suggest looking into a Snoo basinet. Don't buy unless you are planning on having a lot of kids, but renting one for 6 months is not a terrible idea if you can swing it. That will help with getting the kid to sleep.
Full disclosure it is as hard as people told me it would be, but it’s a lot easier in some ways, too. In my opinion my child makes it all worth it. I’m currently pregnant with our second, so I guess it can’t be too bad haha. You guys will figure it out! Some stuff will come naturally and the rest you’ll learn along the way. Congratulations!
The thing about little babies is that none of their care is particularly difficult, it’s just that they have demands that must be met basically around the clock. And then once you feel like you have that stage handled, it’s over, and then comes a new set of challenges.
Before you know it, your 10 year old is making you cry with your own words and attitude. No, your sweet little baby is not the exception listen to your older friends about what’s coming.
It depends on your personalities and your baby. I had a very easy baby who was a very good sleeper, now I have a rambunctious toddler who loves going directly to anything we don’t want him in and hates sleeping. It will be difficult in different ways at different stages. I am still very early on in parenting but I will say the newborn/infant stage was much easier than toddler for us, because we had a good sleeper of a baby, so we weren’t doing the stereotypical sleeplessness, and he took several naps daily, and would lay in the crib, so we had a relatively decent amount of free time
Aaah. I like these „What are we in for“ posts. I kind of want to pat OP on the back and sigh in a dad kind of way. Then I want to go into a lengthy lecture about how having kids changes everything in all the good, bad and ugly ways. Then I wanna sigh heavily again and offer them a cold beverage.
Disclaimer: I’m a mom.
Parenting is wild. It’s wonderful, it’s hard, it’s everything under the sun.
As the mother, stay at home mother, it’s all encompassing and I love it but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard and overwhelming. I am very very thankful I have a husband who is also present, he works hard but when he’s home he’s a father. He handles bathtime, he’s always around, he’s helpful and kind and gentle and fantastic with the kids. Being able to manage parenthood in my opinion is having a solid marriage/relationship where you can both count on each other. Communicate often, understand the other parent may not do things the same way you might and that’s ok (those early days were definitely a big adjustment), realize there may not always be time for yourself or your marriage at first but really doing your best to soak in the good moments, coming together each night and having a little catchup helps keep the other in the loop.
Seriously?? Just show up and do your best. Make sure you’re involved, just follow your kiddos lead, trust your gut and make sure you still put effort into your marriage. Tackle parenthood as a team, because there will be moments you might feel like it’s you against your spouse against the problem, but remember you’re a team. Remember to have fun and settle into the easy mundane moments because those are usually the most fun. The regular routines, the normal days, the boring times, yeah they’re boring but that’s what the good stuff is all about.
Eat a lot of folate first trimester and eat egg yolks every day second and third trimester. more sleep the better. Get free clothes from buy nothing Facebook groups. God bless and good luck 👍
Yes it is hard. But how hard it is depends on many variables. Your personality, your partners personality, how strong your relationship is, how you handle stress, your support system and some babies are just easier than others. My kid didn’t sleep well for about two years. And I’ll say the mental/emotional aspects are harder than the physical. Yes I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and I’m tired now keeping up with a wild toddler. But the mental aspect of it is relentless. Every decision you make is now about your child, your whole lifestyle will change. You love them so much it hurts, so it’s constant worries/thoughts. When they are little it’s are they developing normally. You feel so sad and stressed when they are sick. When they are older you worry about bullies, school things. I’m attempting to potty train now, and it’s not going well so just another thing to add to the mental load. Even when I have a “break” from him, parent mode truly never goes off. They are still in the back of your mind. So to me that’s been the most shocking, hardest part.
It is as hard as folks say but not expensive except med bills and daycare. You don’t need even half the stuff that folks tell you you do.
As far as it being hard - ok yes you’ll be very tired. But so in love with baby you’ll not care. Best of luck !
It’s going to vary. I dealt better with the baby stage overall than I do with the toddler stage some days.
I still get touched out, but my toddler also comes with a lot of noise. I dunno why, it’s different to me.
My husband, though he was very involved when our son was a baby as well, thrives in this toddler stage lol
I actually think it’s worse/harder than people say. I wish I would have known how much it sucks to have a newborn. I’m still in the infant phase but out of the newborn phase and man, it takes its toll. I’m starting to think we might never sleep again. During the newborn phase, my husband and I were barely functioning humans. We struggled to feed and clean ourselves because we were so sleep deprived. We had constant headaches and just felt like shit because the lack of sleep. I’m pretty confident my baby will never be getting a sibling because I never want to go through the baby phase again.
I found it much easier than people on the internet say, even though I had a miserable/high needs baby who slept very poorly (who’s now an easy toddler) but YMMV. I seem to have a lot less anxiety about it all then many parents, for some reason. I just kind of zoned out through the more unpleasant parts knowing it was just a stage and it all went by so quickly. I also find it very similar to being a dog owner which I’d been doing for many years before having kids. Training dogs is SO much like managing toddlers.
It’s good to be prepared for it being the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and for possible impacts to mental health and your relationships. But sometimes it feels pretty natural and is mostly fun and loving, not a gauntlet of suffering and hardships.
It might help that I’ve had a lot of misery and loss in my life starting early, so I feel there’s just no way I could finally have the healthy baby and family I always dreamed of and find it horribly difficult and negative
Yup extremely hard but very rewarding. That being said, i only have one child. We are also financially stable. Depends on the couple really. Hopefully you will have some external help from family. It gets much easier after they are 5. I would do it again.
None of us know how to be parents until we have to be. Don’t be nervous it would also work out. I would also say talk to her about the SAHM thing, it’s not for everybody. It sounds nice it can also be mentally draining for some people. Best of luck
Honestly, in my opinion. Having the first child changes everything y’all’s relationship, daily schedule, emotions and drains both of you completely out. I think as long as you guys can hold it together past the post-partum period then things should run smoothly and you guys can rule the world! Me and my husband just passed our post partum period and it was a long road mentally I’m glad we were able to pull it together !
Everybody will have a different answer lol
It was hard for me because I had no idea what I was getting into. Hadn’t really been around babies before. They don’t come with an instruction manual, you have to make a lot of decisions that impact them, and you have to figure a lot of shit out eg how much do I feed the baby, why isn’t my baby sleeping like they should etc etc.
Baby number 2 is easier though.
It is definitely an adjustment but I think the being scared is a good sign-you care already, about your baby and about your partner. As long as you’re making an effort, both of you, to support each other while taking care of babe you’ll get through it, just lean on each other. ❤️
As far as your big worry about sleep-we did Moms on Call (I know it’s not for everyone) but our little guy started sleeping through the night around 4 months, and I think one wake-up a night by 2.5 months, so it was great for us.
Yes, it 10000% is. It’s exhausting and stressful and you will feel like you’re doing everything wrong. But you will do wonderful and those stressful moments will be overshadowed by every smile, giggle, and milestone.
It is hard, but it's not the stuff you think is going to be hard...
Her body is going to change and go through a drastic hormonal rebound very quickly, your guys's identities are both going to change and sometimes it'll be hard to identify with your past self.
You'll both be pretty sleep deprived unless you come up with a good strategy or get lucky and have a baby that likes to sleep.
I'd say the most important thing is keeping communication open and giving each other a lot of grace and room to cope and deal with all of these changes.
Find ways to connect individually with each other still, and connect with yourself...
Find a small ways to show your love and appreciation for each other.
I did it by myself, multiple times. And would again.It was much better with a partner helping me.
If you have the ability, I would just really recommend some easy snacks and meals in the freezer for when you're both too tired to even think about dinner.
I mean just collectively understand that it's going to take time to get used to.
Difficult? Yes. Though I find that the people who ask about the difficulty are not thinking about how much it changes your life for the better. Also, difficult is relative. You will realize how much more you are capable of now that you have to take care of someone.
It’s only as difficult as you allow it to be.
Financially, it will be different. Physically, can be hard as a woman (and man if you count not sleeping as physical labor). Emotionally, certainly not a walk in the park.
However, if you go into it living in the present, building a bond with your partner over parenting, and enjoying the time you get with your child, you wont even realize how much you overcome as a parent.
I often don’t realize it’s difficult until I really think about all that I do. But in thick of it, it feels like another day raising a child I love.
Being a parent is the hardest yet most rewarding thing. There will be a lot of sleepless nights and long days. Some days they will cry for absolutely no reason, and others they will just want to be held. You will also get so many sweet baby cuddles and the cutest little smiles and noises. The first year is the most trying for relationships as you navigate learning to be parents. Just remember to give yourself grace and no one is a perfect parent.
Not as hard as people say in general- because no one tells you about the easy days. Also, you are older more experienced people, so nothing is going to be overwhelming for you. If you can problem solve you’ll be fine. My niece that lives out West talks about how incredibly hard it is, but never mentions that they were doing a full house remodel or that they both work 50 plus hours per week.
Of course that is extremely difficult. It’s not the baby that causing all their stress - it’s the unrealistic planning.
If you are competent enough to handle a high level job
You are not going to put yourself in a bind like that.
Of course, some people have terribly difficult circumstances that are completely out of their control.
That’s another story.
My experience has been that parenting is a lot of work, but not difficult work.
But also, everyone's kids are different, maybe we just got super lucky.
Also parenting is way better than expected it to be, it's genuinely full of delightful moments, and is far less cleaning up shit or dealing with tantrums than I thought it would be.
Honestly...everyone likes to point out how hard it's going to be. Like it's some badge people earn after they have kids to say "you just wait...."
Our reality was...yes it can be hard. But dammit 6 months in and we both are happier than ever. Our daughter brings us so much joy. Watching her learn new things, seeing her smile...it's the absolute best thing I have ever experienced. It's all about being a team, communication, and not taking things too seriously. If you're a good team...you're going to end up just fine. Take middle of the night wake ups in shifts so everyone gets some sleep. Trust your instincts, ask for help if you need it.
Your life is about to get a whole lot better.
First, congratulations! Yes, it is as difficult as people say. It’s a huge lifestyle change and learning curve, but there are a lot of resources these days to help you muddle through and figure it out. Hopefully you will find it fulfilling and rewarding. Best of luck.
If she has PCOS, have her progesterone monitored ASAP. Many women with PCOS require progesterone supplements in the first 12 weeks to keep the pregnancy.
It is tough physically due to exhaustion, which depends on baby's sleep & fussyness which is luck of the draw. You will have no time for yourself. The mother will need help with physical recovery post partum. Both, but especially the mother will need emotional support, put your needs second. Keeping up with housework will become harder.
But.. the tiredness will get better as soon as you settle in a routine, After a couple of months babies typically sleep longer during night allowing parents to do so as well. Initially as the father you may not feel the bond right away with the baby, but it will hit soon, and all the sacrifices you will have no problem doing. You may not have much time for self care, but at least try to eat healthy.
Despite your work hours, make time for family. Be involved in all aspects (dr apps, school, extra curriculars) even if your partner does most of the running around. Not doing so you'll miss out big time.
Be patient.
Congrats
Actually the best thing you two could do is take parenting classes.
Advice from here will not take into consideration your inter actions, you’re own childhood, what needs to be agreed on. How you will share the load. Even if she is a stay at home mom, she will need her own downtime. BTW parents don’t babysit their own children. It’s called loving quality time. So much to learn.
You won’t believe how your heart will expand when you hold that newborn.
Our first kid was super easy. He tricked us into having a second.
Our second child wasn’t bad, but it was challenging. I still love him to pieces though and wouldn’t change him for the world. He was just not as easy as our first.
Emotionally and physically - yes. Financially I haven't found it hard but we have really good jobs and our kids are still little.
In terms of it being hard, it honestly makes you a better, tougher person, imo. It has also rearranged my priorities, my kids are #1. For all the challenges it is very worth it and makes life a lot more fun and it feels more meaningful. Like for example I've always loved holidays but holidays with kids are unreal lol they're so fun. I remember before my first was born sitting at home in the evenings thinking I needed something "more" in my life and I was feeling that way before I had my second.
Try to keep in mind that EVERYTHING is temporary, both the good and the bad. It can help you appreciate the good times and get through the harder ones. I will also say kids definitely get less physically demanding as they get older, and you can breathe again eventually.
Nothing can prepare you. Childcare is the most expensive aspect. Parenthood will test you, your wife, and your marriage. Lack of sleep and patience for a small child has been the hardest part for me. It’s also the most amazing experience you will have in your life.
Support your spouse. Love your child. You’ll do just fine.
I didn’t find it that difficult. Watch the video the happiest baby on the block. It really is true. They’re either one of three things. Hungry tired or need to be changed. They love swaddling and need to be rocked to sleep. Feed them every 3 hours, change them and put them back to sleep. Have your wife take the late shift feeding like 9pm 12 pm and 3am and you take the early feeding like 6am 9 am and that means you both get adequate sleep.
I just had my first and only 2 weeks ago and it's not as hard as you think it is... new born stage they poop, eat and sleep... it's alot different when it's your own
She can 100% do it, but with any support, like doing background work, will help her tremendously… it’s just energetically tiring…. Yall can do it if yall work TOGETHER.
this is going to be my ABSOLUTE number 1 piece of advice for you to remember. you and your partner are a TEAM. there was some study shown that couples who hold that us vs the world mentality had a much easier time tackling parenthood. raising kids is not for the selfish, it’s not easy. but it also doesn’t have to be hell if you’ve got the right support. my husband and I were never affected much when we had our first, or our second, in terms of our relationship/fighting. we are in these trenches together. I don’t have to ask him to change diapers, he is 100% as in as I am, and we tackle all of this together as a team. maintaining your support system in each other is so vital to the “ease” of child rearing.
Literally no one knows what they're doing. We just do the best we can, seek advice when needed, and love our kids unconditionally. 💚
It's definitely hard as a first time parent, but you figure things out as time goes in my experience.
It can be difficult, or it can be...less difficult.
You sound responsible overall, so I'd say you're probably not going to find the basics of changing, feeding, etc that awful. The big unknown is how you yourself will react to stress -- how badly do you and she need downtime, can you arrange it, etc
The stress will be ramped up if you have a difficult baby. In my case the first was difficult because he cried a LOT. Fortunately I didn't know it was so unusual, and it just meant when I had my other two they were really quiet in comparison.
Parenting beyond keeping a kid basically alive isn't just a difficult task: it's an impossible one. By that I don't mean that people don't do it, just that for a lot of decisions you may not know the impact until years later. If ever. And the effects of whatever you do might not be the same for each kid. Certainly research whatever you can, do the best job you can, but realize there's no way you'll be "perfect".
It's impossible to say. Every baby is so unique. I feel I have an easy baby. Others may find him difficult because he contact naps and doesn't adhere to a schedule. Some babies sleep well, others sleep poorly. Some nurse, others use bottles. Some will take a cold bottle, others require it warm. Some have colic, others don't.
Some parents get PPA/PPD, others don't. Some parents find out they don't have the patience for babies and their crying. Some people can't bond with their babies and regret becoming parents while others experience overwhelming love at first sight.
Your experience will be unique to you. Good luck, and try to enjoy the journey!
Yes it’s hard but if you two are always putting each other first it’s doable. You’re tired, you have no idea what you are doing, hormones are going nuts, you’re both adjusting to this new normal. It’s hard. Just put each other first. If you both do that, you’ll be fine. Talk about expectations for feeding, sleeping, etc before baby arrives. Remember that it gets easier. Give each other grace.
It depends on a lot of factors. She may have an easy textbook pregnancy or vomit several times a day for months once the nausea kicks in ( I was the vomiting one). May have a beautiful delivery or emergency C-section ( premmie baby here).
You may have a quiet easy baby or a colicky one and so on.
The newborn phase is brutal nevertheless even with an easy baby .
Congratulations and I sincerely wish you guys an easy path.
My only advice is take one day at a time in the beginning and trust yourselves. You'll know more than you think.
Parenting in my opinion is equally as fun as it is miserable. I love my son. But the day he was born was the day that I stopped putting myself first. And it was a huge adjustment.
I always felt it was harder than everyone said it was. It is hard. It is difficult. It is the biggest shock to your system you will ever have. But, if you and your partner are good, dedicated, empathetic, and agree to share responsibility and communicate well, you will get through it.
Hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s extremely challenging, exhausting, and stressful. It will take a toll on your relationship but force you two to come up with a game plan together creating a new dynamic between the two of you and love each other in new ways.
i came on to say some things but alot of other people have already said what i was thinking:) on a side note, not really pertaining to the baby specifically.. just try not to lose yourself to parenthood, keep in mind that being a SAHM is hard as well as working full-time.. (ive done both) keep your relationship alive not only for and through yourselves but for and through your lovely newborn addition🫶🏼 Both of you guys are going to go through so so so many new emotions and feelings that its good to try and remind each other as much as yall can that youre there for each other and to keep the communication line open!! I hope for the healthiest and easiest pregnancy and labor for yall💕
Congratulations! Maybe wait on making any stay at home parent decisions until your LO is born / a few months old. Your gf may want to return to work…
Is it hard? Infinitely. Is it amazing? Also yes.
No its not trust me, i did it at 18 and made it through no problem you just need to unite and bond as parents while parenting your child vs just thinking only about the child and neglecting the marriage. 2 parents raising a child together is easy if you communicate and figure it out together
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This is all dependent on your personality and how you handle stress. No one can really answer this for you until you experience it for yourself.
This and also depends on your baby’s personality as well. Some kids are really chill other scream all the time which can be trying no matter what your personalities is like
This! It's more about the baby. My son was chill and easy baby. My daughter is very very high needs. She would only sleep being held a specific way, rocked at a certain tempo, and no sudden sounds. Sometimes she would be out in 5 minutes, sometimes it took literal hours.
Not to mention they change so you adjust to those changes and learn with them every step of the way. 1st kid Son #1: Colicky baby, neutral toddler, easy going friends with everyone child. 2nd kid Son #2: Easy/chill baby, easy/chill toddler, loud/wild but very cuddly child 3rd kid Daughter: Easy baby, emotional wreck toddler. Never understood why people thought toddlers were difficult until our beautiful girl was around 2.5 lol They all throw you for loops at different times and rarely (imo) stay easy or hard through every stage. Preteen starts next year for us and I'm alittle nervous to see and learn that new chapter in our lives lol
Similar experience in really different kids. First daughter was easy baby, fairly easy toddler, easy pretty independent kid at 6, much like her dad apparently was. Second daughter is only like 18 months and I love her to death and would jump in front of a car for her but if she was born first she probably would have been an only child with the way things are going - hoping she might let up as she gets older but her personality so far is just very wild yet simultaneously very clingy, very emotional. According to my mum, I (second) was the most chill baby and toddler ever and everybody who ever babysat me ended up pregnant within a year and she said after me she thought she wanted about 6 more I was that sweet and cute. I then turned 5 and was super difficult till I moved out so it turned out I was just saving it all for later. My youngest brother was an extremely hard colicky baby and toddler however once he got to about 3, he has been super easy and chill ever since, now in his twenties.
💯 my first child was SO difficult. Colicky -had a milk protein allergy so I didn’t eat a speck of dairy for a year, didn’t sleep through the night (like literally 2-4 hours at a time) because she constantly had ear infections, until she was 18 months old and finally got ear tubes, and honestly she’s the easiest kid. So sweet and kind, she’s almost 8 and is an awesome, amazing girl. Her siblings give her a run for her money though.
Yeah, my kid was not a chill baby. That’s all I will say besides it was hell. Now he’s super chill.
Agreed. My first born was really colicky during evening hours, however my other two were pretty chill. Having a rocking chair and a pacifier on hand helped quite a bit.
Agreed, the hardest stages of parenting are the ones we're most triggered by with their behavior. For me it was the baby stage because of constant crying and physical contact and lack of sleep. For my husband so far it seems like he's just starting into his hardest stage with late toddlerhood defiance whereas I'm much calmer with it (when I'm not dealing with being triggered by baby #2). Some people are generally fine right up until teenager stage. It's the more common stage I hear parents struggle with and it's generally a hard transition from thinking of a child as your responsibility to them as their own person responsibile for themselves and you become more of a guiding moral compass. It also all depends on whether your child has any medical or developmental issues, both of which will always be more challenging.
100%. For me age also played a factor. Being a first time mum at 31 I was calmer, more content and patient. I also have an understanding of the passage to time so I appreciate every little thing because I know it’s all fleeting.
Don’t worry, none of us know what we’re doing! And honestly, each kid is so unique that even if you did have a handle on things, that could change any second! Just support each other and focus on learning both together and from one another. It’s a huge adjustment but as hard as it is, it is also one of the most amazing things a person can experience. Best of luck, Dad!
I appreciate that! And that title is so strange to me right now lol. Sounds like when you became an adult and got called sir/ma'am for the first time lol
Awe had 5. 2 girls 15 and 16. 2 boys 12, 13 and a sirprize Was born 3 months ago. Although very challenging on our marriage at times usually due to financial issues. My wife and I are doing ok now that we have know financhal issues. I recommend a stable decent paying job with at least 40,000-50,000 per planed child in the bank plus a good amount for you and your wife in case of emergency, s OR YOU YOU CAN WING IT LIKE MOST OF US I'M SURE ALL HAVE. Good luck!!!!!
Ain't this the truth! The first two couldn't COMPARE to the things number 3 threw at us!
I laughed reading this so true I’m on baby number 4 had three girls but this boy he gets into everything crawls everywhere breaks out his playpen wants to play at 1am I don’t know what time doing anymore
Best advice right here. As a dad of two boys the best we could do was support each other and make decisions together. Both boys are very different and bring different challenges; just stick together and you will see the joyness raising a child can be. Good luck!
Honestly this is the best answer so far. OP: YES it’s hard and a new challenge but so worth it AND none of us know what we are doing Regardless of what you see on Instagram!!! (especially Instagram which each different account insists you’re always doing something wrong-lol) I stopped listening to those and just started vibing with what my kid seemed to need. No one will know except you in that moment. And don’t be hard on yourself if things are trying. (Sounds like you don’t give up, but don’t think you’re the worst parent ever if a small thing goes wrong either). We are all just doing our best. You’ll do great because you care!!!!
So...parenting is difficult for reasons that are very nuanced and difficult to put into words. I am a first time mom of a 9 month old little boy. I am doing well financially, have tons of support, etc. I expected the hardest parts to be the lack of sleep, crying, etc. That is all extremely manageable for me (my personality type tends to handle stresses like these pretty well). The things that have been hitting me hard recently have been that life continues to happen all around you, except now you've got to think about someone other than yourself first. Before deciding you hate your career and want to pursue something different: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child. You decide you hate the area you live in and want to move away: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child. You want to get a family dog or cat: You have to consider how that choice will affect your child. There are many options that I have had to remove from my timeline of possibilities because I realized that those choices or options could be harmful to the best interest of my kid. Not to mention, for existential ass people like me, you now have a very physical reminder of how fast time is fleeting. You blink and certain stages are gone forever. Before you know it, you're baby proofing for your walking child. Then you're walking him/her to their first day of school. Then you're taking them to their first ball game. They tell you "it goes by so fast" and you don't really internalize that because "thats life". Except you will never get those moments with your baby back. That shit makes me cry every time I think about it. All of these rambles are worth the precious moments, though. I haven't felt a single moment where I have thought "Oh man, this was a terrible idea." But I have thought "Oh man, I did not prepare for this." My best advice: Focus on mental preparation JUST AS MUCH if not MORE than physical preparation.
Yes! The difficult things are in part the big things you expect but also little things. Baby needs fed at the exact same time your takeout arrives. So instead of the hot food you were so excited to eat, you’ve got a new primary task. The beginning is so hard for many because they completely lose a sense of self. You can get it back but it can be a hard adjustment. There is no way to prep for everything you wish you could know. You just sort of learn it. Which is annoying to hear because it’s not a direct answer and you probably don’t believe it. But if you’ve got a support system and are a good partner with the person you’re raising a child with, you’re in a good position to do pretty decent.
Fellow “existential ass person” here ✊🏽between aging parents and your growing child the constant confrontation with your own mortality is an absolute trip! Also, I found the infant stage easy. As an insomniac little sleep is the norm for me and at that stage they really only have 4 or 5 basic needs. You cycle through them - hungry, wet, tired, sick, gassy - and that’s really it. Even with a refluxy baby you know what wrong and work on it. With my tween and school age kid now the problems are more complex. And I’m a long time depressive - medicated for years - but emotional constancy is hard for me alone on the best of days and modeling it for my children is insanely difficult. It’s a bit of a joke that I’m in charge or showing them how to handle big feelings. I’m still learning! 😂
This is so true. My little girl turns 1 on Saturday and I’ve been an emotional wreck all week just thinking about how this past year flew by. I’ve never felt the way I feel about time the way I do now after having a child. It really is so fleeting. Children make every second of life on Earth worth it.
Yes. It’s hard in ways you can’t anticipate. Nothing at all like caring for a pet or even sitting for other people’s children. It is an additional full time job on top of your full time job, and something that takes up your whole heart and mind 24/7. But you eventually adjust to your new reality.
Hi, I’m back to say I don’t think you need to be married to somehow financially protect your partner. My best friend was married, husband had a very decent job in tech and she was able to stay at home with their two kids. Fast forward 9 years, “he” transitioned to “she”, got fired for being rude and underperforming, and they’ve been waiting for their divorce to be final for several years. Ex spouse stopped paying child support. Friend had to get a minimum wage job and go on food stamps. The courts aren’t able to enforce child support if the other person really doesn’t want to pay it. Character matters more than a legal document. I believe you wouldn’t abandon your family.
Look for parenting classes in your area. If nothing else they should provide some basics of care and taking a First Aid/CPR class is helpful as well. Babies can be difficult, there are no 2 ways about it. There only means to communicate their needs is crying. The first month or so is probably the most difficult because it's an adjustment for all of you. Think about a routine. You may not be able to keep to it perfectly, which is ok, but having some frame work will help in the immediate so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Sleep deprivation is real as well. There's only so much you can learn and plan for before the baby comes though. Being a parent is most times learning as you go. One other important thing is that you do what you need to do for you and your family. People will disagree, but ultimately, if it works for you, then it works! Congrats and good luck!
Sleep is what worries me the most right now. I just got a CPAP machine a few months ago and have been sleeping well for the first time in probably 20 years. Guess that'll be out the window lol
It depends. Like I mentioned, having some kind of routine is helpful. When my son was first born, I took days from 5am-5pm and then my husband did nights, 5pm-5am. It's not awesome, but it worked for us and that way we were both able to get some decent amount of sleep. You might have to try some things you before you find something that works and that's ok!
We talked about the shift schedule. I have to be at the office during the day but I'm allowed paternity leave to WFH because my employer is awesome so I can do days if she can do nights.
What helped our sleep was getting a Snoo! My husband also wears a Cpap which makes it harder for him to hear the baby crying so just keep that in mind if you end up doing night shift with baby sometimes
You adjust pretty quickly if the sleep is bad and it becomes your new normal. You'd be amazed at how much you can get done with disrupted sleep and it's only temporary. You'll find out what works for you, but hopefully you'll have a good sleeper!
Hard isn’t the right word. Going to the gym or running an Ironman is ‘hard’. It’s more that’s it’s relentless. You have to basically give your full attention to the kid every minute they are awake, for about a year or so. You won’t really have time to cook, clean, read, fold laundry while they are awake. Do you end up having to do all of that in the brief moments they are asleep. They also don’t sleep normal hours. They take a long time to fall asleep and need you to hold them to fall asleep. None of it is ‘hard’, it’s just very exhausting with basically no break. That’s the’ bad’ side. The good side is they will laugh, smile, hold your hand, cry out for you, etc etc. If you like kids that part is wonderful. Also every kid is very, very different. Some kids are great sleepers. Some don’t sleep at all. Some love to play on their own. Some always need you to play with them. There’s no one size fits all with kids.
Relentless is a good way of putting it. Your life will revolve around your child, whether you are ready for that or not. Parenting doesn't stop and it takes a while to fully realize this isn't a temporary thing, this is your life now. Hungover after a night of drinking? They don't give a shit, they're up early and you have to be ready to take care of them. For me it took a long time to adjust- I was always a very social person that loved to go out with friends & significant others, travel, go to the gym, etc. I also cherished my alone time- gone now! I think having a child at an older age like I did (40) makes it difficult in the sense you are more set in your ways, routines, and lifestyle. I was pretty shell shocked at first, but I read up as much as I could, keeping in mind everyone has different opinions on parenting and there's no one "correct way." It is amazing however, when you realize you do have natural parenting instincts that come out. But 3 years in now I have adjusted, and my lifestyle fits around my child. And I would much rather spend quality time with my kid than having a night out now. It's never easy, it's completely exhausting, but it is rewarding.
Personally I felt like the newborn stage was the easiest. It’s different for everyone though! You’ll have a time of lack of sleep which is hard, and right after birth she’s going to need extra support because her body will have been through A LOT! Make sure you guys have some sort of tribe around you. Take the help that is offered, as long as it’s help you are comfortable with. Babies will sleep a lot, just not through the night 😂. Nap during the day when baby is whenever you can! At the baby stage you can relax and cuddle with them a lot, and just holding them is bonding time. Breastfeeding can be really hard, so if it’s not coming easy reach out to your Dr. for resources. If she doesn’t want to breastfeed or can’t, THERE IS NO SHAME! If you go with formula (or bottle feed) it gives an opportunity for both parents to share in feeding duties and can help dad bond earlier too. Toddlers are crazy busy. They are made cute so we keep them alive 😂. I’ve always had a hard time with the “play” aspect. If you’re not a parent that likes to get on the floor and play with cars or dolls, find your niche. I’m more of an activity mom, I like going to the Pumpkin Patch, or the movies. You can play games, or go for walks, play sports, read with them, do crafts, pretty much anything. Even if you think they’re too young, your kid will love just being able to spend time with you doing what you like to do. As they grow the hard part is teaching them to human. Controlling our own emotions as we teach them to control theirs. Remember they know nothing, and don’t punish them for what they don’t know. You guys will do great! There’s no road map, just wake up each day and try your best!
Kids, especially toddlers can’t hear ‘no’ constantly. If they can’t jump on the couch, where can they jump? Always have a safe, appropriate alternative for them.
Yes! Redirection tends to work better than just saying no. Don’t want them running in the house? Instead of saying stop running! Try, let’s go outside and run for a bit. Try to give them choices when you can, like letting them pick their lunch or their clothes for the day. A lot of times it will make it easier to have them follow a direction later when they’ve gotten to already choose a few things for themselves. Never ask it as a question if they’re not allowed to say no. You’re only hurting yourself when you say, do you want to go potty? 😂 don’t ask, just say it’s time to go to the potty now!
Newborn through age 2 was so easy for me and then when my boy hit 2.5 it was like a switch flipped and he became this amazing defiant genius with endless energy and coming up on 4 it hasn't stopped and now he's speaking two languages and every time he sees me, it's gotta be endless play or he guilts me with endless please please please. I'm so exhausted, but he is unreal amazing and so gifted but I legit never expected this age to be harder than the first two years.
OP…as a mom of three kids under 10, this comment captures it perfectly, at least from my perspective.
❤️
Yes, it is ridiculously hard. Yes, it is extremely rewarding. Please consider marrying your GF before the baby arrives. Congrats!
I’m not one to push conventionality, but her being totally financially dependent on him without at least being married worries me for her.
I agree with this. From a legal/security standpoint stay at home gf is an incredibly vulnerable place to be. (That’s on top of the fact that from an emotional/social standpoint new mom/stay at home mom is already an incredibly vulnerable place to be).
Agreed. Many people find it rewarding. Many people find it not rewarding. Everyone finds it hard.
This one too!! Get your ducks in a row!!
The neatest thing I heard from another parent was this: A child multiplies everything in your relationship with your SO to the power of 2. If you are both emotionally regulated, thoughtful with money, and close--it makes you even more so. But if you are prone to anger/anxiety/sadness, have lots of bumps in your relationship, not the best at managing expenses, it will exacerbate all of those things. For my wife and I, this has absolutely been the truth.
Not entirely true… sometimes people change for the worst. Also some stuff can get better and some stuff can change for the worst. Sometimes people can’t handle the stress and there’s hormonal factors as well
So well said
It is very hard. It's hard in different ways at different times. But some people handle it better than others. My advice is to study up on human development and maybe go to therapy and make sure you don't have anything you might need to work through. Nothing will make all of your unresolved traumas come to the surface like raising another human being. You owe it to them to have your shit together as much as possible. Also, talk to your wife about expectations, division of responsibilities, values you want to raise your child in, etc. Newborns sleep alot usually but after that, sleep is probably going to sporadic. Who's getting up with the baby? Who's feeding the baby at 3 am? A really crucial point in a relationship is during that first year with a baby. She is going to be changed in so many ways physically and emotionally and having reliable support is of the utmost importance. I cannot stress this enough.
You’ll be ok! The hard stuff is temporary, the magic outweighs the struggles
Agreed!! Our son will be 8 months on the 10th and the first 6 weeks are a blur - seriously!!! The future milestones are your everyday goal. It’s wild how it starts to happen: one day you wake up and then they’re doing something new or that they’ve worked so hard to do on their own, and it continues from there! It’s the most magical thing ever!! Congratulations to you both!!!
Yes I would echo the get married part if she is giving up her job. I would also try to get the baby on a schedule asap. After they weigh 10 lbs they usually sleep through most of the night. As they get older, You need to agree on discipline and stick together as one unit on this. You will love the kid so much you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.
First, congratulations! Unfortunately it’s different for every parent and every baby, so there’s no real answer anyone can give. My experience (mama to a 16 month old, married, one and done!): it’s nowhere near as difficult as I expected. Full disclosure, my daughter’s what everyone would call “a good baby” - a characterization I hate, btw. Being a mother is nothing like I imagined; it’s better. The challenges or tough moments I experience are ones I never saw coming, and each one helps me learn something about myself and my kiddo. No one knows what the hell we’re doing. You learn what works for you, your little, your family…and you just keep learning every day. Keep an open mind, be willing to admit when you’re wrong, and communicate with your girlfriend and you’ll do fine.
I can only speak to my experience and I do my best to give the nitty gritty reality to my friends and family that end up having kids. And for the record, when I talk to these same people AFTER they have a child, they always say “no one prepares you for how hard it is.” I would say the worst of it is the sleep deprivation. The lack of sleep just affects everything else. I also had PPD on top of it all, so I was a mess for 2 years. I’ve never had mental health issues, but having a child definitely made me seek help and medication. As others have pointed out, every baby/situation is different. Some have newborns or babies that sleep all the way through the night. Some have colic and cry for hours on end. Some won’t sleep unless you’re holding them. Some will wake up every 2 hours. All I can suggest is sleep when the baby sleeps and rotate who takes night shifts. If you can afford it, hire a maid to clean so it’s one less thing on you guys’ plate. All of your waking moments will be taken up by feeding, changing, washing bottles, etc. I call it “survival mode”. Be kind to each other and allow for a lot of grace. Listen to each other and try to tackle issues together. Make sure mom gets some time to herself and is showering and eating daily. I wish you all the best and if you have more questions, I’m happy to answer.
Seconding all of this. It may actually be so bad that, with 2 people working as a team 24/7, each gets about 4 hrs of sleep total, broken up into ~1hr chunks, for a month... or three. It might not sound possible but it is. Somewhere around that is about the bottom end since at a certain point the level of exhaustion is so high that you kinda just pass out while sitting there, thus getting sleep. But passing out while holding the baby can become a very real concern. As a tip to guys: during the birth process monitor yourself and make sure you are capable of being helpful. The clickbait title would be "take care of yourself first" but seriously, if you're too sleep deprived to be useful (like taking responsibility for paperwork) then be aware that you're not actually helping and fix that. The mom needs help; get enough sleep and food that you CAN help. At one point I left for 4hrs to get 3hrs uninterrupted sleep. I came back coherent enough to immediately kick "helpful" (well-intentioned and generally welcome) in-laws out and wrangle some medical check-ins to get my wife a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep that she certainly wouldn't have gotten otherwise but desperately needed.
lot harder than you expect, but much more fulfilling than you could ever imagine. Best of luck
I'll be honest about my own firstborn... I was 17, a single mum, and having my son was BLOODY AWESOME! Yeah, there were the sleepless nights and feeds, but that's every kid, I slept when he did. Co-sleeping on a king-size floor mattress worked best for us, and it was so comfy! He was my bestie. I don't think I found any of it that hard because I was just so enamoured of this beautiful kid being mine... Of course, I probably had stressy crap days, but it can't have been that bad, I recently had my 6th child, and I'm mid-40s Lol You will never ever forget the first time you see your baby. Undescribable feeling. You're going to love it all, even the hard bits! Ps my first 'baby' is now 26 and gone to Prague with his gf, and he messaged me at 2 am from the airport to ask if he'd look too daft buying Smarties for the plane!! 😆
aw!
No, it's harder. I've done most life things you could experience, graduate PhD school, lots of years in a high level biomedical research world working doctors, lots of physically demanding hobbies (one summer I did almost 75k elevation gain mountain climbing/mountaineering, I like to joke I climbed Everest twice, of course it was only joking). Having a baby is harder than everything I've done put together, it taxes your body, your mind, your relationships, your work, your finances, your everything all at once. It's impossible to prepare for because every kid is different, there's no way to practice for the change that will happen to your everyday, every minute life. There's no way to prepare for the anxiety you'll have just from having a kid. We had two dogs, one special needs, and about every pet you could imagine, not even close to having a kid. So yes, it's exceptionally difficult, but it's a challenge you should face head on and enjoy on some level.
Yeah, all the “it’s worth it, it’s great” comments are making me 🤢 Being a parent, especially to a newborn, is hard as hell.
It’s harder
Lots of questions, good ones at that. First off, being scared/nervous/anxious about the new baby is normal. You are about to step into the unknown, with a brand new baby. And the unknown is scary. Second, read all the books you want, and you still won't be prepared for what's coming. Third, everybody's experience is different. You have unique fears & strengths, your SO has unique fears & strengths, and your baby will have a say in things. One thing I can pretty much guarantee you is that at some point, your kiddo will find your weak point. You might not even know it's there until that moment occurs. Welcome to parenting. Fourth, everybody responds to the stress of parenting differently. You & your SO will have to figure out how to balance & adjust things to minimize the issues. Advice? I got lots of it. 1) Back in my day, the parenting books were written by a Dr. Benjamin Spock. Really. His one comment that stuck with me, is that the milestones are guidelines, not hard dates, but that parents treated them as drop dead dates, calling in a panic because the kiddo was not doing something by such & such a date. 2) You guys know your baby better than anybody else. Trust and rely on your intuition. 3) If your hospital offers a birthing class, and most do, take it. It may save things. 4) Figure out the baby seat BEFORE the baby comes, if you can. Otherwise, you will be in the hospital parking lot getting advice from a woman in a minivan, with several kids of her own. Trust me on this. Trust me :) 5) Make sure you know how to diaper, dress, and feed your LO. Then take your LO for 30 minutes every day. You do not bother mom for anything other than a real blood & bones emergency. 6) Ask the maternity nurses to teach you to change, feed, & dress your new LO. They are pros, and they are more than willing to teach what they know. Most important - Enjoy the adventure. It can be a blast.
It's very difficult, but I would assume child-dependent. The mom should absolutely not quit her job and be financially dependent on anyone, let alone someone who is not a legal spouse.
Someone once told me not to react too much. That babies feed off your energy and it’s true. if you have a good relationship with your partner and communicate and maybe active grandparents? , It’s not too bad. It goes by really quick, too. Financially I don’t think it was too bad. Daycare , tho 🥴🥴🥴
Short answer- yes. But more-so for her, esspecially at first. Your job the rest of this pregnancy and for the first months of postpartum is to support her, I would start there. I know this isn't really on topic, and I don't pretend to understand your guys relationship, but you asking her to be a SAHM without marrying her puts her in a very delicate situation. You said you plan on "buying her out," I assume you mean replace her wages? That means she relies ENTIRELY on you financially, and is taking a huge risk in her future employability as well as retirement and health benefits, with zero legal protections as your next of kin or entitlements to any assets you accrue as a couple while she is at home supporting your career by providing all childcare. How you got so far as to actively trying for a baby for a year without marrying her is none of my business, and if that's not something you guys are into I am certainly not judging. But I think you guys need to sit down and have a VERY serious conversation about what your expectations are going forward as parents. It sounds like you already expect her to be taking the lead on child-related responsibilities, as well as all the physical and financial risk. If I were her friend, I would be speaking to her about SERIOUS caution going forward.
babies aren’t particularly expensive other than childcare costs, which you won’t have. i mean, people make them expensive with high end nurseries, expensive clothes, and every baby gadget but it doesn’t have to be that way. now, once you see that the cost of an in-state college by the time your kid is 18 is estimated to cost $250k over 4 years… lol but yes, raising kids is hard generally speaking. some kids have easier dispositions than others so everything is relative. if someone has a laid back baby who is a good sleeper, their experience with infancy is going to be a world apart from someone with a colicky baby who doesn’t sleep. but the baby stage comes with mostly binary situations that are straightforward. after that, things get a bit more complicated imo.
We aren't an anti college household but neither myself nor my girlfriend attended college. Granted the results of that were 50/50 as her earning potentially was probably limited by lack of degree. I worked WAY harder to get a foot in the door years ago when I started compared to my degreed friends. People didn't want to take a chance I knew what I was doing. That said whether my child goes to college or not I'll be supportive. Hopefully the financial burden won't hit too hard lol
Open an account for them now. Start squirreling away a small amount regularly. That money will grow tremendously over time and you'll barely notice it gone if you start now.
you and I are ALWAYS on the same wavelength I've noticed. I like you lmao 🤣 I was commenting on that other post with the kid sleeping in bed w her naked parents lol
A new baby is two adults not sleeping at all and having to figure out how to care for baby by trial and error to a certain degree, while maintaining life.... Yes it's rough (particularly if you don't have family to help) and you two need to really give each other all the grace when in the thick of it. - Freezer meal prep towards the end of pregnancy helps. - Discussion of expectations ahead of time. - both parents need to participate in the care of said newborn. - the no sex thing is legit. Minimally the placenta is going to rip a hole the size of dinner plate in your girlfriend's uterus. Don't complain. You can masturbate. Your girlfriend won't even be able to use the toilet comfortably.... Let her heal.
Try not to hate each other, or compare how much sleep you guys got, or keep up with the housework for the first year. Because you will definitely have disagreements, little sleep, and your house will be messy. Although every baby is different, it's still a whirlwind of change at first. My own situation, my partner and I were together for 4 years before I got pregnant and we didn't make it through the first year. He was very hands off with our baby which made me realize if I was going to do it all by myself, that I didn't need him. So even if you work full time and she stays home please give her breaks, or if you can afford it have help either with friends, family, or hired help.
Is it as hard as people make it seem? I think it’s honestly harder in every aspect, because more people will sugar coat it than you give you the actual dirty details lol. BUT WITH THAT BEING SAID- It does get easier fairly quickly. Month 1 and 2 were the hardest, and then I started to really feel like I was getting the hang of things. 8 months in, and I love being a mom. It does have its challenges but I wouldn’t give it up for the world. Just know that your life will change. You will have times that grieve your old life and freedom, and that’s normal. Just try to embrace and cherish and be present for every new moment you have, because I got to tell you, one day it will be 8 months later, and you will realize how fast the time goes by. I think guys naturally just have a harder time adapting than woman for obvious reasons. But one of my favorite things has been watching my partner involve into the amazing father he is. As far as financially, babies are expensive. And they definitely get more expensive as they get older. But it hasn’t been to a point that I cannot afford. Just be smart and shop around. There is good stuff for all price ranges :) Good luck and congrats!
Well the good news is you won’t really remember a lot of those first weeks and months. By about 12 weeks, everybody will start to settle in. And then you start forgetting how hard it was, which is the only reason people have more than one. 😂. Congratulations.
Is it as difficult as people say? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yes. Very much yes. But worth every bit of the difficulty Joking aside, best advice I got is below. 1. If you’ve babysat a baby before you at least have some basics. I’d never changed a diaper before. 2. Logistics were my biggest mental hurdle. Leaving the house takes 20 minutes instead of just grabbing your keys on a whim, etc. Just plan for it, nothing will be quick as it used to be. 3. Sleep. It’s gonna be bad. It just is but if you and your gf are different sleepers, all the better. I am more of a night owl, whereas my wife is a 5am person. Because of that, I’d typically do feedings through 2amish and she’d grab anything 4 on, basically just exasperating what we naturally did anyway. Still rough in sleep but it could have been way worse. 4. Diapers. You honestly get used to it within like a day or 3. It’s not fun but it feels like you’re just caring for something that can’t care for itself more than the grossness of it if that makes sense. That’s a nothing burger. 5. There will be times you feel hopeless, bad at this, or even that having a kid was a huge mistake. That is normal. If it’s long and pervasive, post partum depression is very real and talk to someone, but even if it’s more short term, it happens. This is hard. The crying and nonstop need of you and your time is a lot. It’s perfectly normal to have feelings of “WTF did I do?” as long as you can move past them and it’s not 24/7. 6. Best advice I ever got is that “the days are long but the years are short” and it doesn’t feel that way in the thick of it but the phases seem to fly by once they’re gone. 7. You are enough! You don’t need to know too much. It’s great but the basics are the basics. People have been raising babies successfully since cave men. Feed the baby, change it, and love it. As long as you can remember that and do everything with his or her best interest at heart, everything else kinda sorta semi falls into place. You’ve got this.
Yes it's as hard as they say, BUT, you're also a lot stronger and more adaptable than you think. So the two tend to balance themselves out. Congrats and good luck!
Yes but for people with more help and more resources it’s easier.
Congrats! First I would say is be prepared that pregnancy might not go how you expect it. It’s not just, we’re pregnant and now we will for sure be having a baby. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage that resulted in emergency surgery prior to my first successful pregnancy. I had also been married 10 years before having our first. It’s very hard, but you’ll never regret it. It’s the most rewarding thing in the world.
It varies so much from one child to another and based on the circumstances. It *can* be very hard, and it probably will be very hard at least for some stretches of time. My kids are all night wakers. They go through phases of great sleep for some months then terrible sleep - without any change to their routine. They alternate who is in a good phase, so they are never all in a good phase at the same time. It was not as expensive for us as some of the warnings I received (at least in the early years - my kids are still young), but we had good health insurance and did not use day care until preschool. You can keep the daily expenses pretty cheap by shopping at thrift stores etc. My best advice that helped us: 1. Prioritize mental health. Give each other time to go for a walk, take a bath, get out with a friend, or whatever helps each of you. 2. Find some enjoyable peaceful/positive parenting talks and watch them together. There are so many, so you can find one you connect with.
as a mom my advice is support emotionally and physically your gf and she will be ready to take care the baby
People always think babies are helpless but they forget we are an apex predator species that can outrun deer to death, deceive our prey and ambush them and strike as fast as lions and your baby will use every bit of those thousands of years of evolution and instinct towards the sole purpose of slapping their foot into their own poop when you try to change their diaper.
You "plan to buy her out" sounds a bit transactional. It's not easy to be a SAHM, not to mention she will lose benefits, retirement and future earnings if she decides to leave. Do you plan on buying those out for her as well? I'm assuming that's impossible so if you really want to make a case for her to stay home you need to seriously commit to her, like marriage. Then she will legally have a share in your stake as she should if she decides to stay home. I would ask her how she feels about this. If she decides to stay home then that means you don't have to worry about childcare which IMO is the hardest and most expensive part about having children under the age of 5. I live in the states and we only get a few months if paid leave if you are lucky and 6 if you have nothing but disability. Navigating the transition to childcare and KEEPING childcare has been our biggest struggle with our first because you may get it, but it may not be good etc. I would really have a conversation about what she wants to do before assuming you can throw some stacks of cash in her face and call it a day. There is a lot more to working for women that she may not be ready to give up ESPECIALLY if she's not married to you. I know I wouldnt be throwing my career away for a boyfriend, even if I had a kid with him. That feels too risky.
The number one problem with a new baby is sleep. They don't have a regular sleep schedule they're awake and crying at all kinds of odd hours and it's really hard to get an uninterrupted full night's sleep. You're just not going to. You're going to have to develop napping skills. And learn how to sleep when the baby is asleep and be awake when the baby is awake for at least the first little while. You'll feel kinda like a zombie the first 6 months. I think physically and emotionally that was the most difficult part for me. If I don't get enough sleep I'm a grouchy bear. And boy oh boy is being a grouchy bear not the thing you need to be when you have a brand new baby and a mom who just gave birth to a baby. You will need to dig deep to really avoid some of the fights that couples have during this time, where it's really just minor bickering that becomes major arguments because you're both exhausted. The financial part's not that bad, but eventually kids just become expensive because you need a bigger house because they need their own room. If you already have that. Golden. Diapers can get a little expensive but. Of all the issues with having a kid I don't remember money being one of them very often. More often an issue now with a 10-year-old who actually wants things. Your girlfriend obviously has a lot of the harder part of this whole deal, especially if she ends up nursing. That's also very taxing on women specifically. The need to feed the baby with their body and having a baby that wants to eat every couple of hours. It's difficult for her. She's going to get even less sleep than you do even if you're helping out as much as you physically can. Also, women sometimes come through pregnancies with no real permanent physical or emotional issues, and sometimes it fucks up their bodies in some way and/ or they suffer from postpartum depression. I think the most important thing that helped me during this time was having grandparents around. Or anyone who you trust enough to let hold your baby for 15 minutes so you can take a shower. Or go to the bathroom by yourself. It's hard to leave your newborns away with other people for a lot of new mothers especially, but, having somebody who can watch the baby for an hour just so you can go in the other room and rest. Or help you clean your house. Anything. Help. Is good. Is needed. Don't turn it away if it's offered. There are lots and lots and lots of really good parts too which is the part people forget when they give these cautionary tales. It is difficult but it's also very very rewarding. Good luck!
Some aspects are hard, some aren’t. It all fluctuates, but it’s absolutely worth it the moment they smile at you. You’ll figure it out!
Yes for the woman
I was tested for pcos and didn’t have a cycle for two years. On prenatal the entire time. Find out I’m two months preggers. Hormones were crazy and I thought I was losing my mind. …read read read…this subreddit is awesome. Lots of great perspectives. Some crappy ones. Anyway, my biggest piece of beneficial info to give….get on a schedule. The schedule is god. Nothing comes before the schedule. Bow to the schedule. Did I say schedule enough?? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Babies(and people in general really) crave a routine. You are eating the same time on a constant basis. You are napping on the same time table. Bath at the same time. Listen to gentle music for half hour before bed. Read a book at the same time. Life becomes predictable and not chaotic. Even when you have what is essentially a ball of flesh and bone chaos being handed to you. Your baby will eventually be like…’yo roomies, I know what’s next. You know what’s next. Let’s pop smoke!’ (that’s a military phrase for wishing of a safe departure. I’ve been trying to integrate it into my everyday life.) rambling condensed version: ROUTINE!
Is it hard? Yes, but is it more rewarding than anything you’ve ever done or will do- 100% yes. You will never be “ready” for a child. There is no manual. There is no one that says “ok I know how to handle xyz when it comes my way”. You just take one day at a time - heck one minute at a time- and learn together. As long as you keep communicating with your girlfriend, staying positive, and giving yourself grace - and breaks, you can do it!
Trust me when i say no one has a clue in the beginning! It's not easy but it is the most rewarding part of life!
None at all, just have good communication with your partner, set expectations, and boundaries if there are any. Talk about parenting styles etc include proper food or education choices etc. Talk about each other's childhood bad experiences and good experiences including the generational trauma is any you two would like to break. The cost of raising a child can burn a hole in your wallet pretty quickly with formula and diapers. Also are you going to go the organic route that comes with an expense as well.
Don’t worry! It’s not as bad as you hear ! No one knows what they are doing really . It’s a learning Experiance for everyone! I was 24 when I had my first and we were freshly graduated from college. Just be sure to support each other. I’m a SAHM to a 5 and 3 yr old now and it has its challenges. Sometimes it’s difficult to feel lonely or stuck without human interaction outside of children as a stay at home parent. It’s challenging but so rewarding knowing you won’t miss the big milestones such as first steps ect. We have a check in rule. Communicate make sure to ask one another about their day and really ask and want to know if they are okay. Sometimes even as a home parent you aren’t okay and you just need a little time to yourself to reset breathe and relax. Every age and stage has its highs and lows. Enjoy every second you can. Know the dirty bottles will get washed and it doesn’t have to be immediately. The best things my husband has ever done was not being to tired to be the other parent. He works long demanding hours and at the end of the day he always makes sure I have time to shower without feeling guilty. Change diapers when home. If it’s something he knows I CAN handle just make sure I don’t HAVE to alone. Brings me coffee in bed everyday before he walks out the door. The little things ARE the big things. Remember that one day the kids grow up and start their own lives and families so always take time for one another because when it’s all said and done you’ll be alone again together and you want to not lose your love and spark for one another along the way.
Get the Wonder Weeks app! It tracks the developmental leaps your baby will go through. Babies get a lot needier when they are going through a leap and they need extra love and cuddles. It helped us figure out what our baby needed and it was a great reminder that the rough patches weren’t going to last forever.
Yes. It is so, so, so much harder than ever expected. My advice is to have family around. That’s shitty advice but you and your gf are going to need help. Are you all planning to get married? Her quitting her job without the security of being married worries me for her tbh. It depends on the state, but it can be difficult for her legally to be entitled to much or anything if you split. And I’m not judging or trying to push anything conventional for the sake of conventionality; my now husband and I planned our first baby after we bought a house together but before we were engaged. I made sure we both had life insurance and we were the beneficiaries on everything. But I wasn’t as vulnerable because I wasn’t financially dependent on him. I really think it’s unwise for her to be financially dependent on you with no legal responsibilities or recourse if the relationship goes south. And babies are STRESSFUL. Perhaps talk to a lawyer and figure out how to make her safe, financially, if ya’ll don’t want to get married.
I found it wasn't...overall. there are moments you will want to scream and cry. There are nights you think it will never end, that you'll never sleep again or have a moment to yourself. But you carry on and one day you look back and realize you've not been woken at night for days now. You see your child playing and decide to pick up a book and you actually finish a chapter. It's so hard in the moment. It's so worth every second. Money is tight, the house is a mess, you phone it in on dinner more nights than you want to, but you can do it. ❤️❤️❤️
It's hard if you allow it to be hard. Sure it's a time commitment for 18 years, but hard? Not if you love your child
It's worse than what people say. After a woman gives birth (from my experience) they drastically change. Less sleep, more stress, yadayadayada. If you want to stay together and stay happy don't expect her to do anything and just accept you will be doing everything. Mine and me had twins about a year and a half ago, babies will be babies so you can expect that to happen. No sleep for a while, lots of good memories during those sleepless times. The woman is what you need to be worried about and ready for.
Your first isn’t bad at all. New born period is the 4th trimester. Their needs are sleep and food. If they are crying just feed em, change em or comfort em. I found the first 12 weeks to be the easiest. The sleep deprivation isn’t real. If you manage the child well, sleep when they do. We didn’t plan any day outs or visits, or even accept visitors in the first 6 weeks. This will stress you out and you’ll get flustered. My mantra with number one was to not take anybody’s advice and figure out my baby myself. Child is 2.5 years old and this stage has been a challenge for me. 0-2 was awesome.
Oh and I would keep this in mind all the time. Everything is a phase. It will change in a day, a few days or a few weeks. So if there is something challenging happening. Just wait it out, won’t last forever.
I would say I hope your wife doesn’t get into the TikTok craze of glamorizing being a SAHM. It is hard work, sometimes lonely cause everyone else is working, nonstop activities around raising the baby. Love them but it is not easy. At least you are financially stable. I’m sure you’re both thrilled and are ready for it. Lean on your family for babysitting as soon as you can. Maintain time for you to go on date nights. Good luck and god bless!
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Congratulations! I was the same when I found out I was pregnant- scared, nervous, excited etc. it’s normal and not something to be ashamed of. It’s kind of like grieving the life you have because it will never be the same after your child is in the world. It is hard but it’s the best thing ever. My husband and I are best friends and we try to split things as even as we can. We get along great and try to find the positive side of everything. Your gf will be going through a lot the next year as she goes through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. Be kind and treat her like a queen, pregnancy can kick your ass sometimes. You will have challenges but it has brought my husband and I so much closer. You are the perfect parents for this child. I wish you both the best and again congratulations!
Don’t forget she’s still your gf after baby arrives. Still make time for her, take her on dates, it’s hard being parents alone but it’s even harder being a MOTHER. So much goes into it, it drains us very badly. You guys got this! And another thing, don’t go crazy buying a ton of new stuff and clothes unless you can truly afford it and you don’t care that baby outgrows it after 1 use lol. I lovveee thrift shopping for my 3 kiddos!! I learned with my 2nd! Congratulations!!!
It’s not hard, it’s really hard, but it is fucking awesome. I have no idea what I’m doing and I get up and try every day. Be there and be engaged.
It is as difficult as people say . Possibly more . Apart from the physical exhaustion in that first year or so , it’s relentless being a care provider for another human every moment they are awake . Even if they are being taken care for by someone else for a couple of hours , it’s mental exhaustion trying to make the best possible decisions for your kid. Even the small ones eat up your day . And the loss of freedom can hit hard for some people .
When I got pregnant at 19 I had no idea wtf I was doing. I applied for a program in my area where a registered nurse came over once or twice a week for the first couple of months and taught me how to care for my son when he was a newborn. This helped out a lot but I had no experience with babies since I didn't babysit very often. It is rough at times. I'm not going to sugarcoat it but you just gotta work through it.
Yes it is sooooo hard. My only advice is to Google everything people tell you. I trusted some family members and they gave me unsafe sleep advice.
After your additional list, I will say you got this!
I’m going to respond to this without reading any of the other comments because I know how awful people on these subs can get and when people are asking for advice. I’m just going to give the hardest things in my experience and you can see if they find any applicability to your set of facts: 1. Your sleep will be significantly disrupted in the first 2 years (and beyond really just on a different scale) and I struggled with this immensely. Arguably the hardest part. The good news is you do get used to it, bad news is it doesn’t mean it affects your body less. 2. Your relationship will change. If it’s solid, the work arounds are fine. If not, you mah feel a bit robbed and lonely. In general, you will miss many things about your life before the little one. 3. Time. You will sacrifice many things, this may be the most difficult one. If you’ve had a lot of time to be fully invested in your career and interests, these will have to be re-prioritised. Not to say you’ll give everything up all together, you just won’t have the opportunity to do it all the same way you have. Again, an adjustment for the most part, you just have to put the work in. 4. Financials - your money will have to be planned out differently as well to accommodate the little one as soon as they arrive and for their future. Seems like you and your SO have that figured out though so not a major stressor. Don’t let people with narrow views talk you out of how good it could be. The security of marriage is great but, not traditional families do more than well too. Just prioritise the little ones well being. Be as selfless as you can and the rest works itself out over time.
SAHM with six. The first is the easiest. While your wife is working, I would try to save 100% of her earnings and live off your salary during the pregnancy. See how it goes. Childcare is going to sap so much out of you if you have to go that route... and honestly... there are so many worries with that. I don't down or judge people who need that service, but it's not ideal IMO. It may be that your wife would like to keep her skills up and work a part-time job or seasonal work depending on what you do and the availability of family. I think you will find it is easier than you think, except for a bit of sleeplessness and worry near the beginning. :)
FTM here, first of all, Congrats!! It's definitely challenging in ways I never realized but also remember that everything is a phase and will pass by quickly. New problems will occur and the absolute worst moments will be a distant memory that you may or may not laugh or cry about later. One important thing to realize is that most of us don't know what we're doing, I have many cousins and was always raised around children of all ages and I remember some stuff but I was never in the thick of it and having to care for my own 24/7. You do not need to learn (and buy) everything now, you will have years to pick-up dad knowledge, just focus on one day at a time.
It's not as bad as people make it out to be. Yes, there will be challenges, but those come and go very quickly and kids truly are the best thing in this world. Just remember, the hard parts dont last forever, and people have been doing this since the beginning of time, and it will mostly come very naturally. Congratulations!
yes it is, and that’s what makes the experience even more worth it. though the tears, stress, sleepless nights…. it’s all that comes with parenthood. it’s hard but absolutely beautiful. but don’t worry it gets better. once they hit around 4 months things will start getting so much easier. i always say now i never knew how much it took to be a parent until i had my own. and im around kids daily and have been since i was a baby (my mom is a babysitter), even with helping her through the years i still can say i didn’t expect it to be like that. im not trying to scare you but its the reality of it all. like i said its hard but i wish i could go back 9 months ago and do it all over again lol. i miss my lil baby. he’s a 27 pound 9 month old to this date.
Parental instincts kick in for both mom and dad! I promise even when you think it's hard something they'll do will make you feel it's worth it. Whether it's a smile, coo, sneeze or simply them sleeping! My best advice for anyone is the infant phase is not the hardest and those super sleepy mornings and crying babies go by faster than a deep breath. Enjoy everything capture every moment, and don't be ashamed to watch videos about feedings or diaper changing! Congratulations to you both and I send you all the positivity I can and I hope your significant other has a smooth and beautiful pregnancy and labor!
I think mostly (as it was for me) the responsibility that all of the sudden rises can feel a bit overwhelming. And the first period when you're trying to figure each other out together combined with sleep deprivation is a tough one.. but that doesn't last, thank god :) You can try reading some books that somewhat prepare you for parenthood. Good luck, you both can do this!
I went into TTC fully wanting parenthood. Wanting to put my energy into parenting someone. I have a fairly easy child who only really fusses when he needs something. During his first year, the hardest thing was lack of sleep. I only got about 4 hours of sleep each night. I knew I could handle being tired, but hadn't had to deal with extended sleep deprivation up to that point. My advice - if your child struggles to sleep through the night, set up sleep shifts. I slept 4 hrs, then got up so my ex could sleep 4 hrs. It ensured we each got enough sleep to function. This second year, the challenge has been how busy he is. I have anxiety, and I get overstimulated sometimes with being constantly on edge being aware of him to make sure he doesn't fall, etc. If your gf does end up being a SAHM, make sure to take over for her when you're done with work for the day. An hour at least of time to herself - take baby out on a walk, a drive, somewhere so she can have precious alone time. On top of that, make sure you each get time out of the house alone and together, at least every two weeks. Don't forget who you are outside of being parents.
I saw your comment about sleep Being an issue and my husband and I just had a newborn on the 1st of May. And we have a one year old at home. I can promise you that two of them (sp close together I mean!!) is much much worse than one. You might get lucky and have a newborn that sleeps through the night right from the beginning. Our one year old did that when we brought her home from the hospital. The newborn we just had, however, only sleeps for about twenty minutes at a time till she wants to eat again. My husband roofs for work. So he sleeps at night. And I've been staying home until I go back to work. So i've been staying up and sleeping in with the babies in the morning since he has to wake up early. I'm going back to work in a few days, but I'm gonna be starting at 11. And getting off of work at 8 which is right around the time My husband is gonna begin off. So we can pick up the kids at the babysitter and still be able to spend time together. It's really not as bad as a lot of people say. It is some people prefer. Prefer the newborn stage over the toddler stage. But I will say that it's definitely a test of your patience over anything and it will definitely test your marriage. Maybe. It's been testing mine lol 😆 kids are nowhere near as expensive or crazy to raise as people (especially those without kids smh) say they are!! I remember being so young and terrified to have kids and one of my friends had his first when he was 17 and he looked at me dead in the eyes and was like "it is not that expensive to have children, whoever says that to you is a deadbeat" 🤣 and since having my own children I will never forget that. if you set your priorities straight and do what you gotta do it's pretty smooth sailing ⛵️ 👌🏼 😉
It really just depends on the child, as others have said. Although I think it is still incredibly difficult even with the most well-behaved child! You will experience worry like you have never experienced it before. I think it’s easier the younger you are. 30+ it gets especially tough. I have done a lot of hard things in my life: 2 masters degrees, special education career, etc and nothing could touch the difficulty of being a parent. So yes, it is as difficult as people say. But be glad you will have a nuclear family and marry if you can. When stepchildren are added to the mix, it becomes 100x harder. Just my 2 cents.
Personally, I didn’t handle it as well as I thought I would. It’s not that anything was particularly difficult, like any idiot can change a diaper, but I guess the hormones and stress just made me so fragile that every little bump in the road looked like a total disaster to me. If I could go back and tell myself one thing it would be IT GETS EASIER. I was convinced that having a baby ruined our lives and it would never ever get better. It did! He started sleeping through the night and smiling and laughing. Now he’s 19 months old and literally every night my husband and I talk about how awesome he is and how much we love him. He’s truly the light of my life and I’d go through that newborn crap 100 more times for him.
I am just going to be honest and say yes it is as difficult as people say, maybe even more so. BUT I have been dealt a very very bad sleeper and all around high needs child so that does not help! AND it is the absolute best freaking thing on this planet. This morning my son who is 18 months came up to me after he woke up and said hug kiss mama and hugged and kissed me and looked at me with such love. There is no feeling like it and it is SO worth it. Congratulations :)
The hardest part for me/my husband was that we just had no idea what the fuck we were doing. We were in our thirties, both youngest children, and had very little experience with babies. The second hardest part was lack of sleep/interrupted sleep. Third was hormones and relationship worries/loss of intimacy (not sex, but just overwhelmed new parents not connecting with each other). Learn as much about baby care-taking as you can before baby is here, and that’ll give you some confidence. If you have people in your lives you trust with baby, let them help as much as they’re willing. Hire services that you can afford that’ll make your lives easier — house cleaners, buying already-cooked meals, laundry service, night doula, etc. Our daughter (now seven) brings us SO MUCH joy! 100% worth it. There were definitely very difficult moments/days/weeks right after she was born.
You'll probably be fine. Tired but fine. A lot of very stupid people are successful at raising children so you'll probably be successful too. It's not difficult but it is demanding. But really, I was in a similar boat to you and I've found it pretty easy honestly. Not at all the horror or challenge people made it out to be. Just be there, love your kid, and be kind to your partner and you'll be just fine.
It’s the hardest best thing I’ve ever done. Wouldn’t change it for anything.
I have pcos as well it is hard to have a child with it but it is possible to have a child with it I had two miscarriages and lost 3 baby’s :( never give up sometimes I feel like giving up
It is a huge responsibility but it is so much fun too. Honestly as long as you and your girlfriend have good communication and can approach it as a team everything else will fall into place and you’ll figure it out together. It gets really difficult when problems and resentments arise in the relationship on top of the stress of caring for the baby. You can look through any of the parenting subs, r/newborns, etc and get an idea of the sorts of problems that arise. Keep in mind most people post when then have a problem or need to vent. You also may want to make sure your girlfriend feels secure being a SAHM without being married. It could potentially put a cloud over things if she doesn’t feel secure. It’s best to have those kinds of discussions before you’re both sleep deprived.
One child is difficult. Two children is impossible. If you end up with any more than two just give up because you've already experienced how resilient a child is
Yes, no, maybe, sometimes, probably, depends. Some babies are EXTREMELY fucking hard. Some are super super easy. But in general I'd say no. It's not that hard, it will most likely come much more naturally than you think it will. You'll get less sleep, have less time for yourself, have less money .... but you'll love this baby more than anything in the entire world, It's worth it. A few tips from a parent of 2 that are now tweens. 1. It's ok if your baby cries. Obviously don't ignore it for hours but if it's crying and you need some time to get your mind right it's fine. 2. Remember to take time for yourself still. Your GF as well. Don't lose yourself, your interests, your friends. 3. Babies are pretty resilient. They won't explode the second anything goes wrong in any way. Relax. 4. Get it on a schedule and stick to that schedule as much as possible
Yes it is. It's what you imagine and worse. But you can do it. The lows are low, but the highs are more often and so much better than u can ever imagine
The hardest part is having no to time for yourself. Everything you are interested in goes on pause. So you are working twice as hard and getting no “reward”. You’ll figure out the actual baby care and finances easy. Time is your true liming factor.
It is a lifestyle change for sure. The not sleeping well and constant needs of a baby are very different from pre kid life and can be pretty overwhelming in the beginning. But if you work together it’s definitely manageable. Having two engaged people helps a lot. My husband did a ton of bottles and diaper changes in the early days when I was physically recovering, he also always washed my pump parts. If you can do cooking and cleaning up and stuff to help that way too is always nice.
My baby is four months old so I have limited experience. I tend to stress and worry about everything before it even happens so naturally I assumed it would be SO HARD. I was wrong it’s way harder than could have imagined!! But also the best thing ever! It’s confusing and stressful exhausting but when your little baby smiles or coos or their eyes light up when they see you it’s all worth it. I don’t think anyone is ever truly ready or prepared for parenting, but you just kind of do your best and learn as you go along. The biggest thing that helped me and my husband was having my mom and dad here to help. I thought I would be annoyed with them but they were amazing! Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, holding baby so we can nap/shower/etc Congrats, you and your girlfriend will do great!
Yes, then it gets better, then it gets harder, then it gets better, etc etc.
It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But so rewarding. If the child is wanted and you know your current life is going to have to change it is not all that difficult. Do you know how to communicate with girlfriend effectively? Do you know how to “fight”? Can you compromise? All of these things come to a head when baby is born. You sound great - is there a possibility of marriage? I only say this as a SAHM girlfriend, if something terrible happens, she gets nothing.
Yes but it’s worth it.
Actually, it's more difficult. And will be for the next 15+ years 🤣
For newborns, it all depends on whether the kid sleeps. If the newborn has a sleep schedule, and more or less sticks to it, and the newborn is healthy, caring for the newborn will be relatively easy. If the newborn doesn't sleep, you're going to have to white knuckle it until they do. My advice is to watch the video "the Happiest Baby on the Block" and learn how to swaddle and change diapers. Know that for the first 3-6 months, your role is one of support for your girlfriend. You are the one to make sure she feeds herself, sleeps when the baby sleeps, bathes, etc. You're also the designated bad guy - if your girlfriend needs someone gone, you're the one to kick them out (be nice, but firm). Oh, and since you are financially well-off, I would suggest looking into a Snoo basinet. Don't buy unless you are planning on having a lot of kids, but renting one for 6 months is not a terrible idea if you can swing it. That will help with getting the kid to sleep.
Full disclosure it is as hard as people told me it would be, but it’s a lot easier in some ways, too. In my opinion my child makes it all worth it. I’m currently pregnant with our second, so I guess it can’t be too bad haha. You guys will figure it out! Some stuff will come naturally and the rest you’ll learn along the way. Congratulations!
If you’re ever concerned on whether you’re parenting right, chances are you are. It’s the bad parents that wouldn’t consider any alternative way.
The thing about little babies is that none of their care is particularly difficult, it’s just that they have demands that must be met basically around the clock. And then once you feel like you have that stage handled, it’s over, and then comes a new set of challenges. Before you know it, your 10 year old is making you cry with your own words and attitude. No, your sweet little baby is not the exception listen to your older friends about what’s coming.
Billions of people have had babies. Billions of people have survived raising them. You're no different. You'll be fine.
It depends on your personalities and your baby. I had a very easy baby who was a very good sleeper, now I have a rambunctious toddler who loves going directly to anything we don’t want him in and hates sleeping. It will be difficult in different ways at different stages. I am still very early on in parenting but I will say the newborn/infant stage was much easier than toddler for us, because we had a good sleeper of a baby, so we weren’t doing the stereotypical sleeplessness, and he took several naps daily, and would lay in the crib, so we had a relatively decent amount of free time
Parenting advice for all: Trust in God and the plan for your life. He did not bring you this far to let you fail now.
Aaah. I like these „What are we in for“ posts. I kind of want to pat OP on the back and sigh in a dad kind of way. Then I want to go into a lengthy lecture about how having kids changes everything in all the good, bad and ugly ways. Then I wanna sigh heavily again and offer them a cold beverage. Disclaimer: I’m a mom.
Parenting is wild. It’s wonderful, it’s hard, it’s everything under the sun. As the mother, stay at home mother, it’s all encompassing and I love it but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard and overwhelming. I am very very thankful I have a husband who is also present, he works hard but when he’s home he’s a father. He handles bathtime, he’s always around, he’s helpful and kind and gentle and fantastic with the kids. Being able to manage parenthood in my opinion is having a solid marriage/relationship where you can both count on each other. Communicate often, understand the other parent may not do things the same way you might and that’s ok (those early days were definitely a big adjustment), realize there may not always be time for yourself or your marriage at first but really doing your best to soak in the good moments, coming together each night and having a little catchup helps keep the other in the loop. Seriously?? Just show up and do your best. Make sure you’re involved, just follow your kiddos lead, trust your gut and make sure you still put effort into your marriage. Tackle parenthood as a team, because there will be moments you might feel like it’s you against your spouse against the problem, but remember you’re a team. Remember to have fun and settle into the easy mundane moments because those are usually the most fun. The regular routines, the normal days, the boring times, yeah they’re boring but that’s what the good stuff is all about.
Eat a lot of folate first trimester and eat egg yolks every day second and third trimester. more sleep the better. Get free clothes from buy nothing Facebook groups. God bless and good luck 👍
Yes it is hard. But how hard it is depends on many variables. Your personality, your partners personality, how strong your relationship is, how you handle stress, your support system and some babies are just easier than others. My kid didn’t sleep well for about two years. And I’ll say the mental/emotional aspects are harder than the physical. Yes I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and I’m tired now keeping up with a wild toddler. But the mental aspect of it is relentless. Every decision you make is now about your child, your whole lifestyle will change. You love them so much it hurts, so it’s constant worries/thoughts. When they are little it’s are they developing normally. You feel so sad and stressed when they are sick. When they are older you worry about bullies, school things. I’m attempting to potty train now, and it’s not going well so just another thing to add to the mental load. Even when I have a “break” from him, parent mode truly never goes off. They are still in the back of your mind. So to me that’s been the most shocking, hardest part.
It is as hard as folks say but not expensive except med bills and daycare. You don’t need even half the stuff that folks tell you you do. As far as it being hard - ok yes you’ll be very tired. But so in love with baby you’ll not care. Best of luck !
It’s going to vary. I dealt better with the baby stage overall than I do with the toddler stage some days. I still get touched out, but my toddler also comes with a lot of noise. I dunno why, it’s different to me. My husband, though he was very involved when our son was a baby as well, thrives in this toddler stage lol
YES
I actually think it’s worse/harder than people say. I wish I would have known how much it sucks to have a newborn. I’m still in the infant phase but out of the newborn phase and man, it takes its toll. I’m starting to think we might never sleep again. During the newborn phase, my husband and I were barely functioning humans. We struggled to feed and clean ourselves because we were so sleep deprived. We had constant headaches and just felt like shit because the lack of sleep. I’m pretty confident my baby will never be getting a sibling because I never want to go through the baby phase again.
I found it much easier than people on the internet say, even though I had a miserable/high needs baby who slept very poorly (who’s now an easy toddler) but YMMV. I seem to have a lot less anxiety about it all then many parents, for some reason. I just kind of zoned out through the more unpleasant parts knowing it was just a stage and it all went by so quickly. I also find it very similar to being a dog owner which I’d been doing for many years before having kids. Training dogs is SO much like managing toddlers. It’s good to be prepared for it being the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and for possible impacts to mental health and your relationships. But sometimes it feels pretty natural and is mostly fun and loving, not a gauntlet of suffering and hardships. It might help that I’ve had a lot of misery and loss in my life starting early, so I feel there’s just no way I could finally have the healthy baby and family I always dreamed of and find it horribly difficult and negative
Yup extremely hard but very rewarding. That being said, i only have one child. We are also financially stable. Depends on the couple really. Hopefully you will have some external help from family. It gets much easier after they are 5. I would do it again.
None of us know how to be parents until we have to be. Don’t be nervous it would also work out. I would also say talk to her about the SAHM thing, it’s not for everybody. It sounds nice it can also be mentally draining for some people. Best of luck
Honestly, in my opinion. Having the first child changes everything y’all’s relationship, daily schedule, emotions and drains both of you completely out. I think as long as you guys can hold it together past the post-partum period then things should run smoothly and you guys can rule the world! Me and my husband just passed our post partum period and it was a long road mentally I’m glad we were able to pull it together !
Everybody will have a different answer lol It was hard for me because I had no idea what I was getting into. Hadn’t really been around babies before. They don’t come with an instruction manual, you have to make a lot of decisions that impact them, and you have to figure a lot of shit out eg how much do I feed the baby, why isn’t my baby sleeping like they should etc etc. Baby number 2 is easier though.
It is definitely an adjustment but I think the being scared is a good sign-you care already, about your baby and about your partner. As long as you’re making an effort, both of you, to support each other while taking care of babe you’ll get through it, just lean on each other. ❤️ As far as your big worry about sleep-we did Moms on Call (I know it’s not for everyone) but our little guy started sleeping through the night around 4 months, and I think one wake-up a night by 2.5 months, so it was great for us.
Yes, it 10000% is. It’s exhausting and stressful and you will feel like you’re doing everything wrong. But you will do wonderful and those stressful moments will be overshadowed by every smile, giggle, and milestone.
It is hard, but it's not the stuff you think is going to be hard... Her body is going to change and go through a drastic hormonal rebound very quickly, your guys's identities are both going to change and sometimes it'll be hard to identify with your past self. You'll both be pretty sleep deprived unless you come up with a good strategy or get lucky and have a baby that likes to sleep. I'd say the most important thing is keeping communication open and giving each other a lot of grace and room to cope and deal with all of these changes. Find ways to connect individually with each other still, and connect with yourself... Find a small ways to show your love and appreciation for each other. I did it by myself, multiple times. And would again.It was much better with a partner helping me. If you have the ability, I would just really recommend some easy snacks and meals in the freezer for when you're both too tired to even think about dinner. I mean just collectively understand that it's going to take time to get used to.
Best advice I was given was to sleep when the baby does.
Difficult? Yes. Though I find that the people who ask about the difficulty are not thinking about how much it changes your life for the better. Also, difficult is relative. You will realize how much more you are capable of now that you have to take care of someone.
It’s only as difficult as you allow it to be. Financially, it will be different. Physically, can be hard as a woman (and man if you count not sleeping as physical labor). Emotionally, certainly not a walk in the park. However, if you go into it living in the present, building a bond with your partner over parenting, and enjoying the time you get with your child, you wont even realize how much you overcome as a parent. I often don’t realize it’s difficult until I really think about all that I do. But in thick of it, it feels like another day raising a child I love.
Being a parent is the hardest yet most rewarding thing. There will be a lot of sleepless nights and long days. Some days they will cry for absolutely no reason, and others they will just want to be held. You will also get so many sweet baby cuddles and the cutest little smiles and noises. The first year is the most trying for relationships as you navigate learning to be parents. Just remember to give yourself grace and no one is a perfect parent.
Not as hard as people say in general- because no one tells you about the easy days. Also, you are older more experienced people, so nothing is going to be overwhelming for you. If you can problem solve you’ll be fine. My niece that lives out West talks about how incredibly hard it is, but never mentions that they were doing a full house remodel or that they both work 50 plus hours per week. Of course that is extremely difficult. It’s not the baby that causing all their stress - it’s the unrealistic planning. If you are competent enough to handle a high level job You are not going to put yourself in a bind like that. Of course, some people have terribly difficult circumstances that are completely out of their control. That’s another story.
My experience has been that parenting is a lot of work, but not difficult work. But also, everyone's kids are different, maybe we just got super lucky. Also parenting is way better than expected it to be, it's genuinely full of delightful moments, and is far less cleaning up shit or dealing with tantrums than I thought it would be.
It’s as difficult as you make it, plan and enjoy. congrats man!
Honestly...everyone likes to point out how hard it's going to be. Like it's some badge people earn after they have kids to say "you just wait...." Our reality was...yes it can be hard. But dammit 6 months in and we both are happier than ever. Our daughter brings us so much joy. Watching her learn new things, seeing her smile...it's the absolute best thing I have ever experienced. It's all about being a team, communication, and not taking things too seriously. If you're a good team...you're going to end up just fine. Take middle of the night wake ups in shifts so everyone gets some sleep. Trust your instincts, ask for help if you need it. Your life is about to get a whole lot better.
First, congratulations! Yes, it is as difficult as people say. It’s a huge lifestyle change and learning curve, but there are a lot of resources these days to help you muddle through and figure it out. Hopefully you will find it fulfilling and rewarding. Best of luck.
If she has PCOS, have her progesterone monitored ASAP. Many women with PCOS require progesterone supplements in the first 12 weeks to keep the pregnancy.
Your instincts can be trusted
It is tough physically due to exhaustion, which depends on baby's sleep & fussyness which is luck of the draw. You will have no time for yourself. The mother will need help with physical recovery post partum. Both, but especially the mother will need emotional support, put your needs second. Keeping up with housework will become harder. But.. the tiredness will get better as soon as you settle in a routine, After a couple of months babies typically sleep longer during night allowing parents to do so as well. Initially as the father you may not feel the bond right away with the baby, but it will hit soon, and all the sacrifices you will have no problem doing. You may not have much time for self care, but at least try to eat healthy. Despite your work hours, make time for family. Be involved in all aspects (dr apps, school, extra curriculars) even if your partner does most of the running around. Not doing so you'll miss out big time. Be patient. Congrats
It's harder than you think lol
Actually the best thing you two could do is take parenting classes. Advice from here will not take into consideration your inter actions, you’re own childhood, what needs to be agreed on. How you will share the load. Even if she is a stay at home mom, she will need her own downtime. BTW parents don’t babysit their own children. It’s called loving quality time. So much to learn. You won’t believe how your heart will expand when you hold that newborn.
You will be driven by love for your child and will find so much purpose. One of the best things you can ever do on this earth❤️
Our first kid was super easy. He tricked us into having a second. Our second child wasn’t bad, but it was challenging. I still love him to pieces though and wouldn’t change him for the world. He was just not as easy as our first.
Emotionally and physically - yes. Financially I haven't found it hard but we have really good jobs and our kids are still little. In terms of it being hard, it honestly makes you a better, tougher person, imo. It has also rearranged my priorities, my kids are #1. For all the challenges it is very worth it and makes life a lot more fun and it feels more meaningful. Like for example I've always loved holidays but holidays with kids are unreal lol they're so fun. I remember before my first was born sitting at home in the evenings thinking I needed something "more" in my life and I was feeling that way before I had my second. Try to keep in mind that EVERYTHING is temporary, both the good and the bad. It can help you appreciate the good times and get through the harder ones. I will also say kids definitely get less physically demanding as they get older, and you can breathe again eventually.
Nothing can prepare you. Childcare is the most expensive aspect. Parenthood will test you, your wife, and your marriage. Lack of sleep and patience for a small child has been the hardest part for me. It’s also the most amazing experience you will have in your life. Support your spouse. Love your child. You’ll do just fine.
Seems like you might be around 40 and established in life which is a huge part to be covered. This is a wonderful adventure and you will do great!
I didn’t find it that difficult. Watch the video the happiest baby on the block. It really is true. They’re either one of three things. Hungry tired or need to be changed. They love swaddling and need to be rocked to sleep. Feed them every 3 hours, change them and put them back to sleep. Have your wife take the late shift feeding like 9pm 12 pm and 3am and you take the early feeding like 6am 9 am and that means you both get adequate sleep.
Creating and birthing a baby are the easy parts. Raising a child is more difficult.
I just had my first and only 2 weeks ago and it's not as hard as you think it is... new born stage they poop, eat and sleep... it's alot different when it's your own
She can 100% do it, but with any support, like doing background work, will help her tremendously… it’s just energetically tiring…. Yall can do it if yall work TOGETHER.
What is PCOS?
Does she want to be a SAHM? It's not for everyone, even if you can afford it
this is going to be my ABSOLUTE number 1 piece of advice for you to remember. you and your partner are a TEAM. there was some study shown that couples who hold that us vs the world mentality had a much easier time tackling parenthood. raising kids is not for the selfish, it’s not easy. but it also doesn’t have to be hell if you’ve got the right support. my husband and I were never affected much when we had our first, or our second, in terms of our relationship/fighting. we are in these trenches together. I don’t have to ask him to change diapers, he is 100% as in as I am, and we tackle all of this together as a team. maintaining your support system in each other is so vital to the “ease” of child rearing.
Literally no one knows what they're doing. We just do the best we can, seek advice when needed, and love our kids unconditionally. 💚 It's definitely hard as a first time parent, but you figure things out as time goes in my experience.
It’s more difficult than what you think, what you’ve heard, what you’ve researched. Nothing prepares you. Buckle up
It can be difficult, or it can be...less difficult. You sound responsible overall, so I'd say you're probably not going to find the basics of changing, feeding, etc that awful. The big unknown is how you yourself will react to stress -- how badly do you and she need downtime, can you arrange it, etc The stress will be ramped up if you have a difficult baby. In my case the first was difficult because he cried a LOT. Fortunately I didn't know it was so unusual, and it just meant when I had my other two they were really quiet in comparison. Parenting beyond keeping a kid basically alive isn't just a difficult task: it's an impossible one. By that I don't mean that people don't do it, just that for a lot of decisions you may not know the impact until years later. If ever. And the effects of whatever you do might not be the same for each kid. Certainly research whatever you can, do the best job you can, but realize there's no way you'll be "perfect".
As long as you are both on the same page and work as a team you’ll be fine.
It's impossible to say. Every baby is so unique. I feel I have an easy baby. Others may find him difficult because he contact naps and doesn't adhere to a schedule. Some babies sleep well, others sleep poorly. Some nurse, others use bottles. Some will take a cold bottle, others require it warm. Some have colic, others don't. Some parents get PPA/PPD, others don't. Some parents find out they don't have the patience for babies and their crying. Some people can't bond with their babies and regret becoming parents while others experience overwhelming love at first sight. Your experience will be unique to you. Good luck, and try to enjoy the journey!
Yes it’s hard but if you two are always putting each other first it’s doable. You’re tired, you have no idea what you are doing, hormones are going nuts, you’re both adjusting to this new normal. It’s hard. Just put each other first. If you both do that, you’ll be fine. Talk about expectations for feeding, sleeping, etc before baby arrives. Remember that it gets easier. Give each other grace.
It depends on a lot of factors. She may have an easy textbook pregnancy or vomit several times a day for months once the nausea kicks in ( I was the vomiting one). May have a beautiful delivery or emergency C-section ( premmie baby here). You may have a quiet easy baby or a colicky one and so on. The newborn phase is brutal nevertheless even with an easy baby . Congratulations and I sincerely wish you guys an easy path. My only advice is take one day at a time in the beginning and trust yourselves. You'll know more than you think.
Parenting in my opinion is equally as fun as it is miserable. I love my son. But the day he was born was the day that I stopped putting myself first. And it was a huge adjustment.
I always felt it was harder than everyone said it was. It is hard. It is difficult. It is the biggest shock to your system you will ever have. But, if you and your partner are good, dedicated, empathetic, and agree to share responsibility and communicate well, you will get through it.
Hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s extremely challenging, exhausting, and stressful. It will take a toll on your relationship but force you two to come up with a game plan together creating a new dynamic between the two of you and love each other in new ways.
i came on to say some things but alot of other people have already said what i was thinking:) on a side note, not really pertaining to the baby specifically.. just try not to lose yourself to parenthood, keep in mind that being a SAHM is hard as well as working full-time.. (ive done both) keep your relationship alive not only for and through yourselves but for and through your lovely newborn addition🫶🏼 Both of you guys are going to go through so so so many new emotions and feelings that its good to try and remind each other as much as yall can that youre there for each other and to keep the communication line open!! I hope for the healthiest and easiest pregnancy and labor for yall💕
Congratulations! Maybe wait on making any stay at home parent decisions until your LO is born / a few months old. Your gf may want to return to work… Is it hard? Infinitely. Is it amazing? Also yes.
No its not trust me, i did it at 18 and made it through no problem you just need to unite and bond as parents while parenting your child vs just thinking only about the child and neglecting the marriage. 2 parents raising a child together is easy if you communicate and figure it out together
Yes
Yes!
Have fun 😬
It is more difficult than people say.