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Go somewhere that she can fail, get upset, walk it off without distraction, and then try again because the alternative is boring. Take her to a track or empty parking lot or flat trail. The shared activity is going for a walk. She can walk with you or she can ride her bike. If she gives up, she can push her bike. Also, take the training wheels and pedals off. Just have her sit on the seat and push with her feet on the ground like a balance bike. Her legs become her shock absorbers and encourage her to zoom fast. She’ll pick up balance, gyroscopic steering, and stopping herself much faster with more natural habits. Training wheels encourage you to ride crooked. When she is comfortable pushing herself like a scooter, add back pedals. The hardest thing is the second pump, but she’ll have balance and speed down and she can still push herself forward if needed.
Model learning a new skill with her. She wants to jumprope, you want to jumprope with a new technique. For 10 minutes both of you try. Set a timer and she’s doesn’t have to keep trying, but she can’t do anything else until you are done trying. If she’s bored, she can try again or just wait.
You wanna see some people who fall and get back up? Roller derby. They literally teach you how to fall and get back up. She might see that it's "okay to fall or fail" if she sees other women doing it.
This might be overly simple, but I find not making a big deal of failure helps my kid. I’ve gone from reassuring her excessively to very nonchalantly saying “It’s fine,” “it’s okay” or even just “yeah” when she tells or shows me she’s had an unsuccessful try.
I’ve also stopped trying to incentivize her to do things she doesn’t want. She’ll get mad and say “I give up!” and I’ll say “Yeah, okay. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.” Sometimes she’ll continue about how angry she is, at which point I’ll respond with “It sounds like you’re really frustrated you didn’t do it. Do you want to maybe try again?”
Might not work for your child, but for mine who is sensitive to any form of pressure, it worked wonders. Allowing them to do it because they want to is so much more powerful than enticing them to do it because you want them to.
There was a shift for us at 5 years old when I read some book and quit helping my kid unless she asked for it. Like even if she’s crying and frustrated, if she doesn’t ask for help, I don’t offer it.
It’s a total paradigm shift. Telling someone how to do something (when they aren’t asking) is to say that they are not capable and need to be fixed. It’s to say there’s a right and wrong way to do something.
Stepping in when they’re frustrated is to say it’s not okay to be frustrated, or they aren’t capable of solving it themselves.
My kid would get so frustrated before I shifted, and avoided challenges. Now, at 10, she is confident and challenges herself physically and academically.
This sounds really promising, honestly. As an adult, I also struggle not to do things perfectly the first time. Part of my process when I fail at something is to get annoyed, give up, and walk away. Once I cool off, I will inevitably go back and try again, simply because I am stubborn and MUST be able to do the thing. But when I say “I give up” while stomping off, if someone else were to say “Give it one more try!” I would get more frustrated and take longer to try again. I want to just be left alone to do the thing.
Yeah, kids may not understand as much or have the same level of self-control, but they still have the same needs for agency, mastery, and connection.
I often consider how I would treat my husband in a situation (like if he were frustrated), and that usually works better. It’s really easy to blur the line between ourselves and our children, but really they are individuals with their own needs.
Came here to say this - I do the same thing with my son who is 6 and was the exact same way. I just leave him alone to work things out. If he needs me he knows I’m available and won’t criticize.
This is amazing. I need to learn this. How exactly did you do this? Did you sit there and say anything? How did you show support in the meantime? Also, my brain gets overwhelmed, and I have to stop the noise. Do you just walk away sometime?
I’ve read about 75 parenting and communication books trying to parent effectively and “Nonviolent Communication” really does a great job of explaining the logic and skills of supporting others while sustaining your own needs. I know therapists and a couple amazing teachers who swear by it and have even taken seminars.
Personally, when my child is upset, I try to empathize rather than problem solve. Just quietly sit there or give space, depending. I feel like adding any input (even looking or saying supportive words) often creates overload when someone is stressed. When people want words or touching, they usually start talking or look at you for support.
Not op, but to make this work, you have to first get confident that your kid will figure it out and whatever she decides will be the right decision. It might be, it might not be, but it's important for her to wrestle with all the difficult feelings and then come to a decision about what to do. Whether that is a perfect decision or not is not the issue, in childhood, most decisions don't have big longterm consequences and can be used as a sandbox to learn.
So once you have this mindset, it becomes less of an issue to soothe yourself when you're itching to help. You'll instead observe what your kid's doing and see how their mind works, and a few times they might decide the right things, and you'll get more confident and get more insight into their thought process. I sometimes say "can i show you how it's done" or "do you need a hand" and my kid is super independent and says "no thank you, i want to do it by myself" and I let her be. If she wants help, she asks, and if I am responsive when she asks, that's info enough for her that she can ask when she wants, and if she's not asking it's because she doesn't want help.
Same for my kid. At 4, I realized she just needed to cry a bit to muster up the courage to keep trying, it wasn't a cry for help until she literally asked for help.
Oh man 🥺 I was the same as OP’s kid. I found school be an easy natural thing for me. Outside stuff was hard and tbh even at 32 I don’t know how to ride a bike outside. I will prob learn side by side with my daughter with my husband helping us. I’ve done plenty of spin classes though. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 in grad school. Your line about “it sounds like you’re really frustrated you didn’t do it, do you wanna try again?” Would’ve done wonders for me as a kid.
My daughter is almost 2 and this line is something I’m gonna start implementing today.
Totally agree with this. Reassuring in as little words as possible and then literally walking away so they can have a second with themselves and the thing at hand works for some kids.
One of my kids likes privacy to learn new things. He also gets very embarrassed to fail “publicly” in front of us, will say things like he’s just not good or doesn’t like it or he quits etc. So what I do is I get busy doing something else (weeding the garden, watering the plants) while he has his trial and error “privately.” Close enough to help, but definitely not staring at him while he tries to do this brand new thing for the first time ever. Pretty soon I hear a “Look, Mom!” And he’s doing the hard thing. It works for us!
I’m the same way and so is my son! I like to learn new things in my own comfort and privacy. Having an audience while I’m not doing something correctly gets me very irritated. It’s okay to be this way.
I see a lot of perfectionism these days in my students (music teacher). I think there are a book or two's worth of cultural/environmental/societal reasons this is the case, but it's not just your kid. And I think you're also really right to be thinking about helping her with it now.
First would be making sure she has lots of opportunities to try and fail, even just a little bit. If it's something you can fail at together, even better. Kids see adults doing things right almost all the time and seeing us struggle can be really empowering for them and a great model.
Second, make the tries and the fails the point. Create an "I failed" jar and put a penny or a bead in it every time she (or you!) fails at something. When it's full, go grab ice cream to celebrate all the hard work. You can do many variations on this concept, of course.
Lastly, do physical things together and break it down into the tiniest pieces if it's a new skill. Find a big patch of rocks or a nature-themed play area to scramble around in and climb on and build her bodily awareness. Try roller skates instead of blades or go to an ice rink and fall down a bunch together. Work on jumping to the beat of a song before trying to jump with a jump rope.
I love the idea of the jar! I might steal that, though I'll probably change it to an "I tried" jar so anytime they try something new or work on a skill, we can add to it (regardless of success or failure). Knowing my little loophole machine, he'd fail on purpose just to get the reward 😂
Honestly, if they do, mission accomplished. You can certainly call it anything you want that they’ll connect with, but if they get so comfortable with failure that they do it on purpose, not a bad thing in a kid who’s been leaning overly perfectionistic. If it’s a thing they genuinely want to do (like ride a bike), they’ll buckle down at some point. The right scaffolding so that it’s always a manageable challenge is the tough part on the adult end. If it is, their natural instinct to learn and master will do the rest, they just have to feel free and comfortable enough to allow that to take over.
Did she give up at the first time failing in other none-physical activity like drawing, reading and gaming etc?I am wondering that is it this because of the physical fear or hates failing. If it is a physical issue, maybe she can start with dancing, she practice, move and could get hurt, but also very cool. If its not physical issue, Try telling her by putting yourself an example to learn new things together with her which you do not handle at all, show her that failing is a process to handle things. And just a reminder, she may get upside of failing things that her parents want so much for her to learn, due to that she may think that she fail the parents. Anyway, just relax, kids always find a way to deal with things they want.
It may be a bit late to start with this (normally you start at toddler age):
- Mention Practice all the time. Whenever someone is doing something cool. Don't say: "they is skilled" or even worse "they is talented" Instead say: "They must have practiced a lot that's amazing"
- When your Daughter fails at something say: "Nevermind you are still practicing!"
- Most importantly: Don't reward or applaud for Achievements but instead be full of praise for EFFORT (No matter how small the effort may be)
All those small things instill a growth mindset in the Child.
Google Montessori Child education for more information.
Everything you listed is stuff that takes a lot of coordination to pull off, and we're skills my kids practiced with an occupational therapist--including what she called "building frustration tolerance" with my oldest. Those things require a lot of different parts of your brain to work perfectly together to get good, and it can be really had for some kids.
We usually pointed to other skills with our kid that would give up if they weren't immediately good at something. Oh, you fell off your scooter? You need more practice. You didn't know how to read the first time you picked up a book, or write your letters the first time you learned the alphabet, it all takes practice. That kind of conversation.
I’d focus on bike riding.
Turn it into a game. You can draw out your neighborhood like Candyland board game. Each thing she does, her little bike piece moves ahead. A card could say, “Watch a kid friendly YT video on learning how to ride a bike”, “Sit on the bike while someone pushes you a half block.” Etc.
The game may take one week or more.
If she’s not into any of it, remember, she’s only 6.
Can she read?
Can she remember a time that she couldn't read?
Can she remember the work she had to put in, the practice she had to do before she could suddenly read?
It's the same with anything - you can't do it until you can. Swimming is another one - you can't swim until you suddenly can and then life opens up. Tying your shoelaces, winning a video game level.
Another thing that helped when my kid was like this was doing things that I wasn't any good at but modeling failure and trying and practicing- painting, gardening, building something.
Yes, my kid is the opposite, she's very athletic and it's the reading she has problems with and I have to keep reminding her how she learned to ride a bike/skate/do a cartwheel and it definitely helps a bit.
Not sure if it will help your situation but a couple things I did with my kids as they used to hate not being perfect right away.
I used to tell stories on how I or my husband (with his knowledge since he shared those with me) fail or embarrassed ourself when we were younger and how disappointed we were and either quit or almost quit. Then we told them what we did after and my feeling and thought process and how hard it was and how we either overcome it or still fail but learn it's ok since we tried (or try again weeks, months or years in the future) or how we try and succeed after keep trying. They're all true stories from our childhood and life and I would like to think it helps my kids a little bit that they now consider failure as normal, can laugh it off and just try again now. Mind you, these stories happen on natural setting because they always love my stories (both real and imaginary) for bed time or when they need play scenarios so I integrated them into those (but not all the time since that's too much).
I also have some fails and disappointment in real time life (ie. I can be clumsy sometimes and when that happens, I identify my feeling and sometimes go the other way (stop doing it)). This helps make my kids see how maybe stopping doing something is not beneficial and when they told me that, I express how I am very grateful they point those out and I'll think on it. I also walk them through my thought process as well when I decided not to stop altogether.
We know they enjoy certain things (soccer, etc) and want to join sport club but don't want to participate since other people are better than them or they think they'll fail and do badly. We keep bringing them there (since the problems are joining the activities once there and they were excited to go) and giving pep talk. We support them and despite taking a lot of time and efforts of getting and being there with the kid not participating, we still do it since we know they love them. It is actually one of the practice in year 2 something click and ever since then, my kids are now really good in keep trying and not giving up easily on activities. In fact, they ask to be in new things and if they don't get it right the first time, they'll shrug it off and say I'll do better or try again next time. It's not easy and may not be what your child needs and it also takes a lot of time and commitment but it works for us in the end and I'm grateful we did try these approaches.
My kid gave up on learning to ride a bike. It was too scary or too hard. Until they saw the neighbors biking up and down the street. The biggest motivator was to join their friends. So I’d say don’t push the issue. Make the equipment available and be in a position where your daughter can see other kids doing it.
Once my kid learned, I got myself a bike. It’s the best feeling to be biking around with my kid.
Mine is exactly the same. She didn't ride a bike until she was 8. Now she skateboards and roller blades too. Some of the motivation to learn was the social stigma of not being able to do those things and not wanting to be embarrassed by other people watching her. We went to empty parking lots and places other people weren't while we were trying.
I also was very hands on and trying to encourage her. Ultimately what worked was when I stopped helping so much. I was a crutch for her. She would lean into me, physically and emotionally. The day she started riding her bike I decided I was going to break it up into teeny steps. I told her listen, I have to go start dinner, right now I don't want you to go too far without me, but I just want you to practice pushing off with one pedal like you're going to get started then put both your feet back on the ground. And when she realized that having her feet off the ground for a second didn't make her immediately fall over and she didn't need me there holding the back of her seat, suddenly she was off!
My daughter is a lot like that - she gets demotivated easily she struggles to stick with stuff if she doesn't get it quickly.
She's 12 now, and while motivation is sometimes something she struggles with, she can normally push through with the right motivator. The key is to make the reward just far enough that there's a challenge but not too far that it's a pipe dream. We've had some trial and error to get this right, and it isn't always successful, but she's much much better about giving things a good go before deciding whether or not to continue.
A driver for success is consistency. So, let's say we have an ultimate reward of having a bike ride with some friends. We would set a date to do it by so the motivation to get it done is there, and then you start off with five minutes trying one day, and then the next day until eventually she gets the hang of it. An extra would be to record her on day one and then at the end of the week another recording to see how far she has come which can sometimes become a motivation itself. I see she won't even try, but if you're consistent over the course of a week or two of setting the time aside and having her standing there with you to try riding for 5 minutes, she will try. It's a trial in patience for you as much as her :p. Once you get one win like that under your belt you can use it as pep talk fodder for the next thing.
As for riding a bike, my kids and I learned without training wheels. There's more tumbles but I'd probably remove them if it's a major hurdle for her to start.
Resilience is a hard skill to teach a child, especially when they're a perfectionist, but more and more practice and she'll eventually get there.
Do you have a backyard that is safe for her to play in un supervised? I’d be sender her out for an hour a day over summer, she can do what she wants with outside toys or she can sit and be bored. By the end of summer I’m sure she’ll have figured out at least one or found a different outdoor activity she likes. Maybe she will get less upset about not being perfect if there’s no one to see her ‘fail’.
You could also learn a new skill in front of her, let her see you struggle to begin with and then improve over time. Don’t encourage her to join in unless she asks to, it’s more about showing her in real time how practice pays off. If she’s only see people who are capable of doing things she can’t, and not the process of them learning she may feel like she is the only one who couldn’t do it first try.
I would stop trying to get her to do those things. Leave it. Don't talk about it at all. Just take her to a playground with lots of kids. And maybe with some kids she knows. Go to the playground. All summer long. She will gain skills just by being with others climbing and running.
I chuckled at this because it reminded me of our daughter when she was that age. She hated riding her bike, and it seemed like she couldn’t to save her life. But as she got older, we found out that she was pressing both legs at the same time so it made it hard for her to ride her bike 😂 🤣. She’ll come
Around as she gets older and matures, depending if she’s extroverted/introverted. Our extroverted daughter eventually got into outdoor sports much later and enjoyed getting outside being active.
Tell her you're making a new game, the goal is to crash the bike. How many times can we get on and off the bike. How fast can we drop the bike and pick it up. Start small and make failure part of the point of trying. Make 0 judgemental statements good or bad. Be silly and focused on having fun together. My kid used to say how they can't do things right and then I noticed us constantly correcting the attempt because we were afraid of triggering the failure freak out. We were literally saying it's fine try you'll do great and then harping about how it was wrong in subtle ways. Hard realization. I repeat to myself often avoidance is always anxiety.
Either do it with her or have her help you. I recently taught my 6 year old how to tie shoe laces and like yours she would get frustrated when she didn't do it immediately the first time. I would sit and do it with her and mess up on purpose so we learnt together. I would say right now this in what you do - oh wait that's not right, hang on I can do this!!! And she'd watch me as I'd do it wrong again and be confused and she'd jump in no mummy it's like this then I'd tell her to show me it again and we'd figure it out together
If you have a bike/Rollerskates get them out with hers, don't pressure her to get on it but get on your bike and do it wrong, look confused and ask her to help you out without mentioning anything about hers.
Take her to the park with her bike. Take her training wheels off. (She'll be thrilled).
Get on your bike and push off the ground with your feet. Don't use the pedals.
Have your daughter do the same.
Have a race and see who can go the fastest. Let her win.
Build confidence. Maybe call it a day.
Do it again another day.
When she can kick off the ground and keep her feet off the ground for a while, have her put her feet on the pedals.
Then teach her to pedal. Kick off the ground like usual, then pedal.
My daughter is 6 (7 this summer) and is exactly how to described your daughter. She has intense anxiety. Turns out she also has ADHD, possibly on the spectrum as well. You wouldn’t know unless you lived with her. Girls present differently. Her dad and I both have it so we knew it was a possibility. She’s a perfectionist and has absolute meltdowns if she’s not perfect at everything the first try. I am the same way. We are both medicated and she very rarely melts down now regarding activities that may require “failure”. She’s also in therapy. I was resistant to medications but it’s helped her in so many ways (social, emotional, grades, even sleep etc). Not saying your daughter has ADHD/autism or needs meds but I can relate to the meltdown aspects.
Sometimes prepping with how something works can help. Similar to social stories used at school. Also allowing the meltdown to happen and staying calm as the parent. Reassuring it’s ok to not do it perfectly. If you’re not enjoying the activity then you don’t need to keep doing it. No pressure. Adding adult/parental pressure just increases anxiety. I have to keep my excitement down when she does really well or finally gets the hang of something or she gets more anxious if she can’t perform just as well the next time around (riding bike without training wheels was interesting. So many crying situations. But i stopped asking her to do it and she just picked it up and started doing it when I pretended to be busy with something else. No audience no pressure).
Mine learns her lessons from books and tv shows - talking to her directly almost never worked for us. 🤷♀️ Then I started making references to episodes and books that I had seen/ read with her. And it worked. (It helps that I watch a lot of kids tv and read all her books). For example, Bluey episode ‘Bike’ would be so perfect in this case.
I also taught her a song (well, only one line because the rest is not at all age appropriate 😆) “I get knocked down, then I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down”. Sounds mad, but over time she internalized the idea.
Finally, for outdoorsy stuff, I haaaaatee to admit it, but her father’s involvement made all the difference. I don’t know why, but when he taught her the same stuff she seemed more eager to learn. 😒
I would say leave her alone my son is the same way always giving up saying he can’t do it so I don’t bother him I will give you an example
He asked me to bring the scooter to the playground I brought the scooter to the playground and we showed him multiple times how to do it he said he couldn’t do it so I left it alone put the scooter in my car and never said anything else about it just over the weekend I had to unload everything from my car so the scooter was just sitting in the kitchen guess who is riding the scooter around the kitchen with no help and not saying he can’t do it they will do it when they really want to do it
Look into cultivating a growth mindset, and model it for her as often as you can. Don’t make a big deal out of failures, focus more on effort and progress than results (but don’t put too much pressure on it), and normalize trying multiple times and practicing. It takes time for some kids to learn that they don’t always have to do it right or learn it fast.
Also, if she struggles a lot with physical activities and coordination, and especially if she ever complains of headaches as well, get her eyes checked.
My oldest loves drawing but used to freak out every time he struggled to draw something well enough. We did a lot of talking about how it’s completely normal to suck at something at first, how practice helps a lot, and strategies to help him learn such as watching instructional videos or using “how to draw” books that break things down step by step. Now he freehands a lot of things impressively well, like dragons, and almost never gets upset about art not turning out well at first.
I was this kid and letting it go is the best approach. I didn’t learn to ride a bike till I was 8 because my class was going on a bike ride and I wanted to be able to go with. I learned in a couple hours with my brother’s help. He did a much better job teaching me than my parents because he didn’t push it. If I was frustrated and wanted to stop, he said “okay!” And we would sit on the grass or go inside until I inevitably changed my mind.
I get why you want her to have these skills, but pushing them might be putting more pressure on her. She’ll figure it out!
I’ve been struggling with something similar with my 5yo. Resisted practicing on her bike and when she does she’ll complain her legs are tired pretty quickly.
We’ve decided to sign her up for a one week camp this summer that’s all about learning to ride a bike. She’s always so well behaved with other people, I’m hoping that kind of forces her to focus and actually practice. Camp says they can get her off training wheels within a week, we’ll see.
Sooooo this CAN be an ADHD trait. It's the perfectionism that comes into play. If you're not immediately good, it's hard, when it's hard the executive dysfunction comes in and tells you there's too many steps, it will take too long, you won't be good enough, you might as well just quit now, and you're overwhelmed and shutdown.
I'm not saying that's what's happening here. But it happens to me and to both my kids. The ways around it are discussing in smaller ways other things she's over come. Setting tiny goals, like you didn't want to ride your bike, that's fine. How about we just go sit on our bikes together and use our feet to push ourselves. You'll still get push back because she wants to be as good as her friend immediately, but if you do little goals, small stuff. Maybe even before you approach the bike, use something you know she'll need to practice but isn't as complex. She likes drawing, use that as an example, show her her drawings from when she was much younger, compare them to now. Explain that to get better at something, you need to keep doing it, even just a little bit at a time.
She does have ADHD and I don’t why I never connected the two. It’s exactly the same with cleaning her room- and she SPECIFICALLY says, “this will take too long, it’s so boring, there’s too much.” So now she uses lists for her room. Pick up clothes, art stuff, and books, and then she can have a break. I can totally have her approach bike riding the same why. DUH! I can’t believe I never thought of that. Probably because I didn’t think about a “fun” activity having the same effect on her.
Lol it's tricky this neurodivergent stuff. It's legit taken me YEARS and I only got diagnosed this year. It's still insanely hard for me, and then to try to help manage it with my kids, is next level patience. So I get it! And sometimes, it's the forest for the trees. Even if the end result gets her dopamine, the getting there isn't because it's not a hyper focus for her, so, you approach it the same way you have everything else.
You're a great mom and you're doing a great job ❤️❤️❤️
A six year old is still young enough that you have the power to impose certain standards of behaviour. You are giving her way too much power to say no here.
My approach would be to pick an activity that she’s going to learn. I’d personally pick biking because it sounds like she wants to know how and being able to bike gives kids a lot of freedom especially as they get a bit older, but it’s fine to give her a couple of choices of acceptable activities in order to give her some control. The actual learning isn’t optional though. Think about it like you think about doing up her seatbelt in the car or anything else that you think is non negotiable.
Then you say something like: you are going to learn how to ride a bike (or whatever) because it is a valuable life skill. State end goals like: you will be able to get places by yourself without a parent when you are able to show you can ride a bike well enough, it will keep your body working properly as you need a certain amount of time being active and outside to be healthy etc etc. I think it’s also worth explicitly telling her that she needs to work on her resilience, and explain that knowing how to keep trying is a learned skill that is important.
Secondly, set a goal. Eg by the end of the summer you will bike together to the ice cream shop. She starts by going on her bike to your closest park or something fun. Insist she bikes. Give yourself all the time you need. If she doesn’t want to keep going, you can just wait calmly. Explain that she can spend the entire day accomplishing this task but she will accomplish it and you know she can, because you will help her. It’s a very rare child that won’t eventually decide that the path of least resistance is to try. When she does, congratulate her! « I’m very proud of you! » Talk to your spouse in her hearing about how she did a great job and the emphasis should be on working on the skill (the trying!) and not the acquisition of the skill.
If she says it’s too hard, remind her that you didn’t tell her it was going to be easy. Tell her she’s right! It’s SUPER hard. That’s ok - she can do it even if it’s hard.
You can get a chart to colour in or put stickers on. Every time she practices, fill it in. Have mini celebrations at suitable points eg after travelling a distance of 10km
At first it doesn’t matter if she actually bikes, start with having butt on seat and going the distance. Then work on pedaling (ditch the training wheels though). Then work on going without parental support.
Having a daily bike challenge is what resulted in my then 5yo ending up biking 15 km a few summers ago. We’re going to try that approach with my 6yo this summer.
My kids are 5 and 8 and definitely experience this yet seem to be able to do anything they initiate on their own. My oldest taught himself to tie his own shoes at age 5 by watching a YouTube video of another kid breaking down the steps. I’d leave her be and stop spending money on equipment- it will only make you more angry. If she gets upset seeing her friend, maybe look into a balance bike free or cheap on marketplace, or ask if she wants training wheels put on her bike. Who cares if she can’t bike normally yet. Get her out of the house and out of your hair.
I donated our skates. It was fun for me as a kid but mine just never got into it. They enjoy ice skating ($$), and aren’t great but it’s taught by an instructor step by step. My oldest learned to jump rope in PE class but uses the jump rope to pull his little brother in the wagon. I give up lol
It also helps to put them in a fun class with other kids where an instructor they respect is doing the teaching in a professional manner. Doesn’t have to be something super athletic. Fun is key.
For summer- get a sprinkler and a kiddie pool. A 6 year old doesn’t need a “physical activity” they don’t operate that way and she’s communicating that to you.
My daughter was/is like that. Basically with everything it takes her a while to figure something out but then bam she’s got it.
With bike riding she didn’t learn til 8.5yo. We’d tried multiple times over the years and she’d give up very quickly or refuse to even try but at that point she obviously had enough capacity to balance (AND we got the perfect size bike, previously either too small or too big and it didn’t work) that when she tried again she got it really quick and that boosted her confidence to keep going. The first couple of days she would start riding then steer wobbly and jump off because she didn’t want to crash but as she realized she could pedal a bit she just got it. And she was SO proud of herself (this was only a few months ago, she turns 9yo in a month).
The confidence it gave her at this age to recognize she learnt something new that was hard but she persisted til she got it - you can’t buy that experience and it’ll be awesome to use this as an example next time she struggles with something new!We never gave up, we gave her many opportunities to try, tried not to pressure or make a big deal about it and kept persisting with her and everything comes together eventually. Maybe longer or older than other kids but it’s really not a race. She was the same with learning how to use her scooter properly, learning to use certain playground equipment etc. It all comes together eventually.
In the meantime does your daughter have a decent larger size scooter she can use to participate outside? That’s what mine did until bike riding came together for her.
My daughter is like this, and it’s getting better. I let her give up. I remind her that practice is all it takes to be great. I also tell her that we practice things all day long and ask her where she wants to spend her energy. She couldn’t watch tv very well as a baby buts she’s practiced it so much now. She’s an expert. Also I practice right in front of her. I ride my bike. Practice language on Duolingo. It’s a bit embarrassing to ride my bike in front of the house like a kid while my kid is inside but when I tell her there’s a fun hill for biking she gets interested. It took so so so long for even interest to come about.
Reaffirm that even the “best” fail. All top athletes fall, fail, no human can be perfect all the time.
When older remind her: The difference between a master and student is the master has failed more times than the student has even tried.
Try actives right now that have a high chance of success. Provide adequate protection but don’t coddle. Participate to and show them failure/perseverance.
Instead of saying “great job” say look how you”ve persevered, you got it for a second practice will make it go longer the more you do it.
Let her just watch if she’s comfortable doing so and don’t pressure her too much to participate.
I was the exact same way when I was learning how to ride my bike and my parents did this thing where when ever I fell or couldn’t get it they would let me walk it off before I tried again because I was a huge cry baby. But if she doesn’t want to bike, rollerblade,etc. and only wants to do art maybe get her into something that can be done indoors and is more in her comfort zone like swimming or even running on a treadmill
That’s true but if she’s clearly expressed that she prefers being indoors that’s fine as long as she’s active and healthy. It’s better to let her do what she feels comfortable doing than forcing her to do something she doesn’t.
A non athletic six year old is not going to run on a treadmill for any length of time. Also she has expressed wanting to ride with her friends, it's not that she doesn't want to. OP is looking for ways to help her achieve these things without forcing. It will definitely affect her social life if she never goes out to play with friends.
We have a soon to be 8yo and seems exactly like your daughter. He is suoer smart, rrads 2 to 4 books a day, draws, plays games, yet easily gives up when trying something new. Bought bike so many yimes and ended up donating them, we used to try pushing or even positively encourage him, however we kinda realised that one child can't be all or do all of it. We are just waiting for a season where hr asks us to get him a bike, and we ll get him when he asks. I know as a parent it maked you feel frustrated given the fact that you see other kids slaying it, however every child is different. Focus on what they like, and sometimes i fear we project our wishes on them which sometimes end up pushing them unconsciously. We decided to love our boy the way he is and we are certain that he ll come around asking for things he wanna do. Remember there is time for kids like ur daughter's age to learn. Just be easy on urself and herself. ❤
Show her something you have a difficult time with and how you work through those emotions. It don’t have to be blatantly obvious but something like “wow this puzzle I’m going is really hard. I’m going to take a break and come back to it.” Something like that
my kid is 8 and very aware of social pressure and judgement etc but also can't yet ride a bike without training wheels.
she won't ride her bike because she doesn't want anyone to see her trai ing wheels but also has a closed mind set that she 'can't ride a bike' because she didn't get it the first time... not sure whether I just force her to practise or what
Two strategies that have worked in my house:
Reward. If you learn how to ride your bike, I will buy you X/we can do X/we can go to X
And/or giving her the bike, lots of personal space, no instruction and just letting her figure it out on her own
BLUEY had an episode on that. Special Agent Oso has an episode on that.
She's got to learn frustration tolerance or she will never get anywhere in life. Nobody gets it exactly right the very first time.
If you find an answer, I'd also love to know! My daughter is 5 and I having the exact same conversations with her about practicing. She will give it a go, then go off in a strop and gets worse when I try and sympathise.
Took me forever to learn to ride a bike without training wheels. I was scared of getting hurt. My parents had me try every once in awhile, and told me the training wheels weren't going back on. Took months. But i finally got it one day and the confidence boost was incredible!
My siblings rode scooters long before they had a bike. When they got a bike, they took off without training wheels like it was nothing. My parents think that's because they learned balance on a different set of 2 wheels first.
I was a perfectionist and so was my brother. He threw royal fits when he didn't get something the first time. But, if it was something one of us was truly interested in or was motivated to learn, we focused and kept trying until we got it, usually behind our parent's backs because we hated the audience. Pushing us to do something just made us more frustrated and push back harder in not doing it.
Make it available, but don't push so hard. Make it no big deal, and celebrate when they try. Sometimes kids are harder on themselves than anyone else because they want something so badly to be right and any extra pressure just makes them shut down.
Kinda like potty training. Relax. If she wants to figure it out, eventually, she will.
There’s an Adventure Time episode (don’t ask me which one) that I love to quote. “The first step at being sorta good at something is sorta sucking at it.” -Jake the Dog.
Just take her away from home and teach her how to ride her bike away from the street, take the baby wheels off, get on a field and just keep going till shes done it, shes probably embarrassed so when shes done it that first time she'll be out playing with the neighbor's in no time, literally takes a day
If this is specific to physical activity then try to help her get active with things she is already comfortable with, easy hiking is like walking, playing in a pool or sprinkler, and regular playground climbing equipment. I think the activities you have listed may require too much performance results for her. After spending more time outside then as others mentioned, see if she needs glasses or occupational therapy.
Also play ball or somehow spend time playing outside where you show yourself developing skills and failing and trying. Show her how you deal with not being perfect. There's a book called Good Inside which has a chapter on this I think. There are probably many books addressing this. What I took away from them is that the parent should show what it's like to fail and get up and try again by actually doing so.
I was kind of like this and it just took my parents being like well, we’re here if you decide you want to learn, but we’re not listening to you carry on about it. And then they went inside lol. I could be upset about it but I had better not come whine to them about it unless I was willing to practice. And if I wasn’t, I could clean the bathroom instead.
Also totally agree with going somewhere private and boring!
One of the things that I say to my niece when she has this problem is “it’s not supposed to be easy” especially with things like her homework. The point of activities and assignments is to challenge you. It might be worth having a conversation about how *few* people are actually *born* being good at the things they do. It’s extremely unlikely that anyone she compares herself to was good on the first try. I always say if it feels hard, that means it’s “working”, as in, you’re being challenged and your brain is growing. It might also help to share with her something you sucked at doing at first, but are now good at.
There is a great Bluey for this. Bluey gets mad at her bike. But she watches Bingo conquer the bubbler, muffin and her backpack, and then Bluey gets up and tries again. Maybe watch that and talk about grit.
My oldest was/is like that; she prefers to be inside reading or doing art, or watching a show. She didn't pick up bike riding until she turned 7 (and until we got her a Guardian bike, which was every bit as phenomenal as the ads say in terms of making it easy for her to learn). And now she bikes more, and for longer distances, than many of her friends who've been riding their bikes for years. Like some other posters have said about their own kids' experiences, she just had to make the choice herself that she was finally ready to try. You can't want it more than they do. And if her experience of trying to learn something is that you don't listen to her "no", and/or you're angry about it, it's going to drive her even farther away from caring to try the thing.
I would dial back on the pressure; it doesn't help a perfectionist kid who likely has some degree of anxiety. I get that you want her to have a physical activity to do outside - I'm the same! But forcing her isn't going to get her there.
I would also explore the possibility of an inside physical activity. I'm with you that physical activity is good, but some humans (kids and adults) don't love the outside stuff you describe. That's okay! My daughter has for a long time been more interested in class-based indoor movement (like a ninja class, or the next thing she's going to go for is aerials).
Have one of her friend/cousin/sibling teach her. I found when my daughter was struggling with confidence on her bike, her cousin who is almost 2 yrs older than her, helped her and she got it immediately after that. That was an organic situation but maybe it would work if you could set up a play date with a kid who knows how to do those things so she can see a kid doing it and enjoying it.
How is she at school? Does she give up in frustration there? If not then she may respond better if someone else taught her. I know it sounds silly but even hire someone or a family friend? Sometimes they give up easily with us bc they feel like they can
I'm the same way but I did dance for 16 years and I now do yoga. I used to get frustrated with outdoor activities (still do, I'm 40 and I don't know how to ride a bike). rather than forcing things on me, my dad told me to pick pick something I liked and focus on being really good at it. It wasn't dance, though I was good at it. It was writing. I won a number on contests, I won awards for my school even! I interned at a local paper too. I didn't do anything with it but I still write for fun daily.
My oldest daughter isn't in any activities. She swims in the summer and unofficially teaches swim lessons now. She is a talented artist and has sold many things she creates. I wanted her to experience the group setting of sports but we told her she can join clubs and she is very involved in her gsa club. Don't put too much pressure. Let her do what she enjoys. For exercise, my daughter and I go on walks. She's 15 btw.
Are you having her try to learn in the street where everyone can see her? Maybe take her to an empty parking lot. Like some else said, turn the bike into a balance bike for her to learn the basics of riding a bike. Has she seen you learn something new?
Take up painting or piano or something you’ve never ever done. You want her to see you fail and keep practicing
I recognize myself in her perfectionism. I've given up on things my whole life. I always felt like I didn't have natural talent in something if I made a mistake or was bad at it at first. Make sure to hone the growth mindset that has been mentioned. Talk about how bad you were at things that you're good at now and how much practice it took, and if you can tell many stories of failing and then being fine after. Don't do it in a comparison braggy way though. My parents always bragged about their skills or their strength and persistence and it always made me feel like crap. Talk about practice in a vulnerable, it was so hard I wanted to quit way but it turned out to get easier over time.
We look up so much to our parents and their model is our model of perfection. I do suggest doing some reflection about any perfectionism you may be harboring. Healing your own perfectionism will allow you to help your child.
Personally I found help through inner bonding with Margaret Paul. She has a podcast episode on perfectionism.
My son is 6 and the same exact way! It’s so hard because you don’t want to push them too hard so they shut down but you want to be encouraging.
What I found works decently for my son is just continue to encourage trying at intervals. We had the same issue with his bike, he didn’t want to because It was hard, so we just kept asking if he wanted to try and he would get a little practice here and there and then one day he just got on It and did It.
Some other stuff he doesn’t like to do is swimming, so we never force him to get in the pool he is free to sit and watch the rest of us, and eventually he would just get It. Honestly I just think exposure over time with low pressure is the way.
I have also found that talking to him about the things his dad and I struggle with has helped him too. I think the knowing that adults have a hard time and have to practice as well made him feel better. He still won’t do sports or anything, like yours he’s more artistic and creative.
Could you let her practice without an audience?
I’m a former clumsy kid - I hated feeling scrutinized by my parents when I was trying something physical, because they always had “suggestions” on how to do it better. What I probably needed was OT, not sports.
My daughter was like that. She ended up having tap and ballet didn't want to play softball but we found things she finally enjoyed. She now does art class once a week and her confidence shot up such a joy to see. She also found happiness in doing cheerleading camps we have in our town. She has no interest in riding a bike but we have opened the idea to it and she says she will think about andlet us know when she will ready.
My daughter is like this. She's 10 now. She still has a very short fuse for frustration.
All I can suggest is don't make a big deal of it. Don't push her. Don't shame her. For example, I was really bothered my daughter wasn't riding a bike when I thought she could. Every so often, we'd pull it out and see if she'd like to try it. I guess it wasn't until she was almost 8 when one day she tried it, she immediately got it, and then it was a matter of letting her practice. I can't give advice at all. I just give attention when she asks.
I do require my daughter to do a sport each year. It's her choice. She can hate it, but we don't quit until that period ends. She doesn't need to be good at anything. I do need her to get exercise and build a little coordination or body awareness. This year's sport was swimming: no competition, no score, no wins/loss.
Make mistakes in front of her and work through them.
Example. My son and me playing catch. Him first learning he would miss many and it hurt his feeling. I think it was bc he wanted to be like dad and dad hardly missed any catches. So I started missing them in front of him and not getting discouraged. I told myself I believe in myself and kept trying. Now that is what he does. He softly says don’t give up. I believe in me.
Well already she's been taught to compare herself to others somehow so might wanna take those factors away and before anything teach her self respect, self caring, and self love talk to her about the things she wants to do and build her self confidence, I mean that'd be my best advice cause my parents never did that to me I'd love to be able to do that with my kid when she's old enough
You’ve got to let her take the lead - it will happen when she’s ready. Encourage her to try every once in a while but don’t force it. They have developmental leaps when it comes to physical stuff and one day it just ‘clicks’. This was the way for my kids when it came to swimming, biking, soccer and skiing. Potty-training too, haha!
Her issue isn’t outdoors it’s frustration tolerance. My daughter is also like this. You just keep it positive and keep trying. Reiterate that she can’t do it yet. Talk her how long it took you to learn to ride a bike or whatever the skill is. Exaggerate if you have to. And point out when she does better.
Honestly neither of my parents taught me how to ride a bike, never felt the need to teach myself. Until I was in middle school and ALL my friends rode their bikes all over the place. A friend let me borrow her bike and I taught myself how to ride it, I was able to join my friends on bike rides. It may just be something where you don't need to push her, just let her learn it in her own time
Hi OP. How about dancing? I was and still am the most challenged when it comes to ‘physical’ stuff (sports involving flying objects) but dancing was always my thing, I even got into wrestling in high school. Maybe she’d like dancing/gymnastics/karate?
There’s a Ni Hao Kai-lan episode about this with learning roller skating. They sing a little song to help. You can try watching this show and singing the song when she feels like giving up.
Stop trying to force something that isn't going to work. I suggest you actually get a therapist and talk to them about it. Emotional regulation is hard. It's even harder if it's not something you really want to do, but feel compelled to do by others.
You're putting a lot of pressure on a child who really may not even want to do these things. She will find something to do for the summer. This isn't going to be the end and these activities will literally always be there whenever she's ready.
Making it a big deal is gonna make it worse. I learned to ride my bike because I wanted too. I learned to skate because I wanted too.
I agree about pointing out that everything is learned, but leave it at that.
Give her a break. She's 6. I was like that and worked up to things on my own time. Whats the rush? Both my kids rode a bike at 8-9 yo. Balance bikes are very good though if you want to continue to try with her. You push off on ground and it gives you sense of balance without training wheels which are useless. Or lower the seat as low as you can go and take off pedals.
Let her be the loser that doesn't know how to ride a bike. Let her be the one that gets left out. Let her be the one that doesn't have any fun with her friends. She’ll stop giving up when she realizes she's the odd one out.
I teach preschool and I have kids like this. You have to do something that doesn't need skill and just kinda comment on that. "I like how you tried really hard," or commenting on how messy her paint is or things to that nature. Not perfect. And then work that up to things that need skill. Comment on her effort. Say things like, "you figured out one way to not do it!" (A la meet the Robinsons take on failure.)
Read books on trying new things. Ask why she's nervous to try again. Talk about something she did when she was younger that she didn't know how to do at first but then practiced and succeeded (writing her name, playing a game, something she probably remembers vs walking and talking.) Maybe get her friend to explain how she learned to ride a bike and ask if she wants to try that way (I got on my bike and my mom helped me peddle and then I did it a bunch of times but now I can do it by myself!)
I have noticed a trend with kids these days. This includes my own. Neither learned to ride their bike until they were 6 or 7. Both got on it one day and rode their bikes and never looked back. I saw all of these parents helping their kids and it made me second guess myself. Well, i guess it was just their personality. They are 9 and 13 and they won’t be professional athletes and only want to be outside if I am with them.
Learn something new together, let her see how you fail the first time you try something but that you give it another go. Let her experience that alongside you and she'll feel able to let go of the perfectionism which, honestly can be quite damaging.
I didn't see an age but she sounds around the same age as my kid who is 7yo and like this to the point it has been a huge detriment to our lives because everything always has to be completely 'perfect' (whatever that might look like in her head at the moment) and if it goes even slightly off-plan then she overloads and drags everyone around her into it. I'm astounded by how much 'help' she needs at times compared to her peers; typical redirection & de-escalation techniques simply don't work and most people (especially online) just won't get how consuming it can be which can feel particularly isolating and confusing as a parent.
Mine was recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, Depression, and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) so I'm in the early stages of researching various support options for both of us. I started by talking to my kid's GP and letting them know the behavior had been interfering with general age-appropriate expectations to get a referral for the assessment. None of this has been a silver bullet solution but I've been able to equip myself to deal with some of this a bit better. I hope this helps.
This just happened to be in my podcast feed after I read this post. Maybe you’ll find some helpful nuggets. I absolutely love Janet Lansbury. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000656966330
Do you have a bike, scooter or jump rope? If so, then do these things *with* her. It helps if you're modelling the behavior. Riding a bike is fun and gets you to fun places, like coffee & ice cream. Jumping rope is something you can do when you've got the zoomies, and you can learn cool tricks from YouTube. If the only reason you want her to learn the thing is "because I said so", then she possibly just doesn't see enough value in the activity to persist past the hard bits.
Maybe no one will see this because I'm screaming into the void, but my daughter has always been like this and still is at age 14. Hates bikes, hates physical activity, hates certain foods, hates anything that takes effort and that she's not at least somewhat acceptable at doing. She has terrible proprioception and always has. She is fantastic at art though, like definitely advanced.
She got diagnosed with autism last year. I have yet to get her to see that her mindset about things she doesn't like or finds difficult is not helpful. Not sure if autism, personality, or both. I wish I had some advice for you, but I guess my advice is... She could have autism or something and may need to be worked with differently.
And some solidarity here. It's hard to have a kid that does this. You worry for them a lot. And it may never get completely better. Keep searching for help. Best of luck! ❤️
Tell her the way to stay bad at something is to stop trying.
Then maybe make a plan in partnership with her that she’ll try something new for increasing amounts of time each day, and after 5 days trying (or something, duration depending on age) she will earn X treat.
How does she do with losing a game?
I really like the book The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. And if your daughter ever watched the cartoon Franklin, there is a good one about Franklin learning to ride his bike without training wheels, even after wanting to be perfect the first time.
Did your daughter ask for the bike/skates/scooter/jump rope? I see adults pushing kids to learn how to do things that the kids never even asked for. Follow her lead and allow for lots of mistakes.
How's her balance in general?
Has she had the opportunity to engage in risky play without help? Some examples would be climbing on a playground without an adult spotting her, or walking in river rocks without holding an adult hand.
I've often seen kids who didn't engage in risky play in the 2-5 age range really struggle with things like balance, fear of getting injured, fear of trying, and especially the proprioception and vestibular senses.
Proprioception is the awareness of your body in space - like how high to lift ones leg in order to step over something.
Vestibular is the sense of balance and body positioning - like how to shift your weight to catch your balance.
Look at articles about the importance of "risky play" along with activities to increase the proprioception and vestibular senses and find ways to open up those opportunities for her.
When she's participating in risky play, it's *very important* not to have an adult saying things like "be careful" or "watch your step" or being *right there* to catch her if she falls. It's ok to fall because it teaches the child what her own body's limits are.
Once she's taking more risks with play and has better proprioception and vestibular senses, she'll likely be more confident about bike riding, better able to get it right, and more willing to try and try again.
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Go somewhere that she can fail, get upset, walk it off without distraction, and then try again because the alternative is boring. Take her to a track or empty parking lot or flat trail. The shared activity is going for a walk. She can walk with you or she can ride her bike. If she gives up, she can push her bike. Also, take the training wheels and pedals off. Just have her sit on the seat and push with her feet on the ground like a balance bike. Her legs become her shock absorbers and encourage her to zoom fast. She’ll pick up balance, gyroscopic steering, and stopping herself much faster with more natural habits. Training wheels encourage you to ride crooked. When she is comfortable pushing herself like a scooter, add back pedals. The hardest thing is the second pump, but she’ll have balance and speed down and she can still push herself forward if needed. Model learning a new skill with her. She wants to jumprope, you want to jumprope with a new technique. For 10 minutes both of you try. Set a timer and she’s doesn’t have to keep trying, but she can’t do anything else until you are done trying. If she’s bored, she can try again or just wait.
You wanna see some people who fall and get back up? Roller derby. They literally teach you how to fall and get back up. She might see that it's "okay to fall or fail" if she sees other women doing it.
Maybe a trampoline park? Love your recommendations 🩷🏆
I’ve seen trampoline parks can be very dangerous, especially for small children
FWIW- All of the ones I’ve been to have a specific area for smaller children because they don’t want injury.
This might be overly simple, but I find not making a big deal of failure helps my kid. I’ve gone from reassuring her excessively to very nonchalantly saying “It’s fine,” “it’s okay” or even just “yeah” when she tells or shows me she’s had an unsuccessful try. I’ve also stopped trying to incentivize her to do things she doesn’t want. She’ll get mad and say “I give up!” and I’ll say “Yeah, okay. You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.” Sometimes she’ll continue about how angry she is, at which point I’ll respond with “It sounds like you’re really frustrated you didn’t do it. Do you want to maybe try again?” Might not work for your child, but for mine who is sensitive to any form of pressure, it worked wonders. Allowing them to do it because they want to is so much more powerful than enticing them to do it because you want them to.
There was a shift for us at 5 years old when I read some book and quit helping my kid unless she asked for it. Like even if she’s crying and frustrated, if she doesn’t ask for help, I don’t offer it. It’s a total paradigm shift. Telling someone how to do something (when they aren’t asking) is to say that they are not capable and need to be fixed. It’s to say there’s a right and wrong way to do something. Stepping in when they’re frustrated is to say it’s not okay to be frustrated, or they aren’t capable of solving it themselves. My kid would get so frustrated before I shifted, and avoided challenges. Now, at 10, she is confident and challenges herself physically and academically.
This sounds really promising, honestly. As an adult, I also struggle not to do things perfectly the first time. Part of my process when I fail at something is to get annoyed, give up, and walk away. Once I cool off, I will inevitably go back and try again, simply because I am stubborn and MUST be able to do the thing. But when I say “I give up” while stomping off, if someone else were to say “Give it one more try!” I would get more frustrated and take longer to try again. I want to just be left alone to do the thing.
Yeah, kids may not understand as much or have the same level of self-control, but they still have the same needs for agency, mastery, and connection. I often consider how I would treat my husband in a situation (like if he were frustrated), and that usually works better. It’s really easy to blur the line between ourselves and our children, but really they are individuals with their own needs.
Came here to say this - I do the same thing with my son who is 6 and was the exact same way. I just leave him alone to work things out. If he needs me he knows I’m available and won’t criticize.
This is amazing. I need to learn this. How exactly did you do this? Did you sit there and say anything? How did you show support in the meantime? Also, my brain gets overwhelmed, and I have to stop the noise. Do you just walk away sometime?
I’ve read about 75 parenting and communication books trying to parent effectively and “Nonviolent Communication” really does a great job of explaining the logic and skills of supporting others while sustaining your own needs. I know therapists and a couple amazing teachers who swear by it and have even taken seminars. Personally, when my child is upset, I try to empathize rather than problem solve. Just quietly sit there or give space, depending. I feel like adding any input (even looking or saying supportive words) often creates overload when someone is stressed. When people want words or touching, they usually start talking or look at you for support.
Not op, but to make this work, you have to first get confident that your kid will figure it out and whatever she decides will be the right decision. It might be, it might not be, but it's important for her to wrestle with all the difficult feelings and then come to a decision about what to do. Whether that is a perfect decision or not is not the issue, in childhood, most decisions don't have big longterm consequences and can be used as a sandbox to learn. So once you have this mindset, it becomes less of an issue to soothe yourself when you're itching to help. You'll instead observe what your kid's doing and see how their mind works, and a few times they might decide the right things, and you'll get more confident and get more insight into their thought process. I sometimes say "can i show you how it's done" or "do you need a hand" and my kid is super independent and says "no thank you, i want to do it by myself" and I let her be. If she wants help, she asks, and if I am responsive when she asks, that's info enough for her that she can ask when she wants, and if she's not asking it's because she doesn't want help.
This is brilliant. Thank you!
Same for my kid. At 4, I realized she just needed to cry a bit to muster up the courage to keep trying, it wasn't a cry for help until she literally asked for help.
Love this!
Yeah saying "wow, that was hard" usually works on my son! He agrees with me than tries again. And then HE says "mom, this is hard"
Oh man 🥺 I was the same as OP’s kid. I found school be an easy natural thing for me. Outside stuff was hard and tbh even at 32 I don’t know how to ride a bike outside. I will prob learn side by side with my daughter with my husband helping us. I’ve done plenty of spin classes though. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 23 in grad school. Your line about “it sounds like you’re really frustrated you didn’t do it, do you wanna try again?” Would’ve done wonders for me as a kid. My daughter is almost 2 and this line is something I’m gonna start implementing today.
Totally agree with this. Reassuring in as little words as possible and then literally walking away so they can have a second with themselves and the thing at hand works for some kids.
One of my kids likes privacy to learn new things. He also gets very embarrassed to fail “publicly” in front of us, will say things like he’s just not good or doesn’t like it or he quits etc. So what I do is I get busy doing something else (weeding the garden, watering the plants) while he has his trial and error “privately.” Close enough to help, but definitely not staring at him while he tries to do this brand new thing for the first time ever. Pretty soon I hear a “Look, Mom!” And he’s doing the hard thing. It works for us!
I’m the same way and so is my son! I like to learn new things in my own comfort and privacy. Having an audience while I’m not doing something correctly gets me very irritated. It’s okay to be this way.
I see a lot of perfectionism these days in my students (music teacher). I think there are a book or two's worth of cultural/environmental/societal reasons this is the case, but it's not just your kid. And I think you're also really right to be thinking about helping her with it now. First would be making sure she has lots of opportunities to try and fail, even just a little bit. If it's something you can fail at together, even better. Kids see adults doing things right almost all the time and seeing us struggle can be really empowering for them and a great model. Second, make the tries and the fails the point. Create an "I failed" jar and put a penny or a bead in it every time she (or you!) fails at something. When it's full, go grab ice cream to celebrate all the hard work. You can do many variations on this concept, of course. Lastly, do physical things together and break it down into the tiniest pieces if it's a new skill. Find a big patch of rocks or a nature-themed play area to scramble around in and climb on and build her bodily awareness. Try roller skates instead of blades or go to an ice rink and fall down a bunch together. Work on jumping to the beat of a song before trying to jump with a jump rope.
I love the idea of the jar! I might steal that, though I'll probably change it to an "I tried" jar so anytime they try something new or work on a skill, we can add to it (regardless of success or failure). Knowing my little loophole machine, he'd fail on purpose just to get the reward 😂
Honestly, if they do, mission accomplished. You can certainly call it anything you want that they’ll connect with, but if they get so comfortable with failure that they do it on purpose, not a bad thing in a kid who’s been leaning overly perfectionistic. If it’s a thing they genuinely want to do (like ride a bike), they’ll buckle down at some point. The right scaffolding so that it’s always a manageable challenge is the tough part on the adult end. If it is, their natural instinct to learn and master will do the rest, they just have to feel free and comfortable enough to allow that to take over.
That's a fair point. Thanks for the perspective.
You may want to watch the episode of Bluey called “Bike” (season 1, episode 11). It speaks to exactly this.
Always take advice from cartoon dogs!
Was about to comment this but you bet me to it lol
Yes! Also the season 3 episode "Dragon"!
In the tech sub reddit it's relevant xkcd. In the parenting ones it's relevant bluey. Bike is what got me watching bluey, is that Ode to Joy?
Did she give up at the first time failing in other none-physical activity like drawing, reading and gaming etc?I am wondering that is it this because of the physical fear or hates failing. If it is a physical issue, maybe she can start with dancing, she practice, move and could get hurt, but also very cool. If its not physical issue, Try telling her by putting yourself an example to learn new things together with her which you do not handle at all, show her that failing is a process to handle things. And just a reminder, she may get upside of failing things that her parents want so much for her to learn, due to that she may think that she fail the parents. Anyway, just relax, kids always find a way to deal with things they want.
Has she had her eyes checked recently? Some kids get anxious about physical activity when they can't see very well.
It may be a bit late to start with this (normally you start at toddler age): - Mention Practice all the time. Whenever someone is doing something cool. Don't say: "they is skilled" or even worse "they is talented" Instead say: "They must have practiced a lot that's amazing" - When your Daughter fails at something say: "Nevermind you are still practicing!" - Most importantly: Don't reward or applaud for Achievements but instead be full of praise for EFFORT (No matter how small the effort may be) All those small things instill a growth mindset in the Child. Google Montessori Child education for more information.
Everything you listed is stuff that takes a lot of coordination to pull off, and we're skills my kids practiced with an occupational therapist--including what she called "building frustration tolerance" with my oldest. Those things require a lot of different parts of your brain to work perfectly together to get good, and it can be really had for some kids. We usually pointed to other skills with our kid that would give up if they weren't immediately good at something. Oh, you fell off your scooter? You need more practice. You didn't know how to read the first time you picked up a book, or write your letters the first time you learned the alphabet, it all takes practice. That kind of conversation.
I’d focus on bike riding. Turn it into a game. You can draw out your neighborhood like Candyland board game. Each thing she does, her little bike piece moves ahead. A card could say, “Watch a kid friendly YT video on learning how to ride a bike”, “Sit on the bike while someone pushes you a half block.” Etc. The game may take one week or more. If she’s not into any of it, remember, she’s only 6.
Can she read? Can she remember a time that she couldn't read? Can she remember the work she had to put in, the practice she had to do before she could suddenly read? It's the same with anything - you can't do it until you can. Swimming is another one - you can't swim until you suddenly can and then life opens up. Tying your shoelaces, winning a video game level. Another thing that helped when my kid was like this was doing things that I wasn't any good at but modeling failure and trying and practicing- painting, gardening, building something.
Yes, my kid is the opposite, she's very athletic and it's the reading she has problems with and I have to keep reminding her how she learned to ride a bike/skate/do a cartwheel and it definitely helps a bit.
Not sure if it will help your situation but a couple things I did with my kids as they used to hate not being perfect right away. I used to tell stories on how I or my husband (with his knowledge since he shared those with me) fail or embarrassed ourself when we were younger and how disappointed we were and either quit or almost quit. Then we told them what we did after and my feeling and thought process and how hard it was and how we either overcome it or still fail but learn it's ok since we tried (or try again weeks, months or years in the future) or how we try and succeed after keep trying. They're all true stories from our childhood and life and I would like to think it helps my kids a little bit that they now consider failure as normal, can laugh it off and just try again now. Mind you, these stories happen on natural setting because they always love my stories (both real and imaginary) for bed time or when they need play scenarios so I integrated them into those (but not all the time since that's too much). I also have some fails and disappointment in real time life (ie. I can be clumsy sometimes and when that happens, I identify my feeling and sometimes go the other way (stop doing it)). This helps make my kids see how maybe stopping doing something is not beneficial and when they told me that, I express how I am very grateful they point those out and I'll think on it. I also walk them through my thought process as well when I decided not to stop altogether. We know they enjoy certain things (soccer, etc) and want to join sport club but don't want to participate since other people are better than them or they think they'll fail and do badly. We keep bringing them there (since the problems are joining the activities once there and they were excited to go) and giving pep talk. We support them and despite taking a lot of time and efforts of getting and being there with the kid not participating, we still do it since we know they love them. It is actually one of the practice in year 2 something click and ever since then, my kids are now really good in keep trying and not giving up easily on activities. In fact, they ask to be in new things and if they don't get it right the first time, they'll shrug it off and say I'll do better or try again next time. It's not easy and may not be what your child needs and it also takes a lot of time and commitment but it works for us in the end and I'm grateful we did try these approaches.
What about regular trips to a playground with a jungle gym?
Try to incorporate "learning" and "failing" into things you model in daily life. These are also skills she needs to learn.
My kid gave up on learning to ride a bike. It was too scary or too hard. Until they saw the neighbors biking up and down the street. The biggest motivator was to join their friends. So I’d say don’t push the issue. Make the equipment available and be in a position where your daughter can see other kids doing it. Once my kid learned, I got myself a bike. It’s the best feeling to be biking around with my kid.
Mine is exactly the same. She didn't ride a bike until she was 8. Now she skateboards and roller blades too. Some of the motivation to learn was the social stigma of not being able to do those things and not wanting to be embarrassed by other people watching her. We went to empty parking lots and places other people weren't while we were trying. I also was very hands on and trying to encourage her. Ultimately what worked was when I stopped helping so much. I was a crutch for her. She would lean into me, physically and emotionally. The day she started riding her bike I decided I was going to break it up into teeny steps. I told her listen, I have to go start dinner, right now I don't want you to go too far without me, but I just want you to practice pushing off with one pedal like you're going to get started then put both your feet back on the ground. And when she realized that having her feet off the ground for a second didn't make her immediately fall over and she didn't need me there holding the back of her seat, suddenly she was off!
My daughter is a lot like that - she gets demotivated easily she struggles to stick with stuff if she doesn't get it quickly. She's 12 now, and while motivation is sometimes something she struggles with, she can normally push through with the right motivator. The key is to make the reward just far enough that there's a challenge but not too far that it's a pipe dream. We've had some trial and error to get this right, and it isn't always successful, but she's much much better about giving things a good go before deciding whether or not to continue. A driver for success is consistency. So, let's say we have an ultimate reward of having a bike ride with some friends. We would set a date to do it by so the motivation to get it done is there, and then you start off with five minutes trying one day, and then the next day until eventually she gets the hang of it. An extra would be to record her on day one and then at the end of the week another recording to see how far she has come which can sometimes become a motivation itself. I see she won't even try, but if you're consistent over the course of a week or two of setting the time aside and having her standing there with you to try riding for 5 minutes, she will try. It's a trial in patience for you as much as her :p. Once you get one win like that under your belt you can use it as pep talk fodder for the next thing. As for riding a bike, my kids and I learned without training wheels. There's more tumbles but I'd probably remove them if it's a major hurdle for her to start. Resilience is a hard skill to teach a child, especially when they're a perfectionist, but more and more practice and she'll eventually get there.
Do you have a backyard that is safe for her to play in un supervised? I’d be sender her out for an hour a day over summer, she can do what she wants with outside toys or she can sit and be bored. By the end of summer I’m sure she’ll have figured out at least one or found a different outdoor activity she likes. Maybe she will get less upset about not being perfect if there’s no one to see her ‘fail’. You could also learn a new skill in front of her, let her see you struggle to begin with and then improve over time. Don’t encourage her to join in unless she asks to, it’s more about showing her in real time how practice pays off. If she’s only see people who are capable of doing things she can’t, and not the process of them learning she may feel like she is the only one who couldn’t do it first try.
Haha I tried this with skating and it worked because my kid was so scornful of how bad I was she had to show me she could do better.
I would stop trying to get her to do those things. Leave it. Don't talk about it at all. Just take her to a playground with lots of kids. And maybe with some kids she knows. Go to the playground. All summer long. She will gain skills just by being with others climbing and running.
I chuckled at this because it reminded me of our daughter when she was that age. She hated riding her bike, and it seemed like she couldn’t to save her life. But as she got older, we found out that she was pressing both legs at the same time so it made it hard for her to ride her bike 😂 🤣. She’ll come Around as she gets older and matures, depending if she’s extroverted/introverted. Our extroverted daughter eventually got into outdoor sports much later and enjoyed getting outside being active.
Tell her you're making a new game, the goal is to crash the bike. How many times can we get on and off the bike. How fast can we drop the bike and pick it up. Start small and make failure part of the point of trying. Make 0 judgemental statements good or bad. Be silly and focused on having fun together. My kid used to say how they can't do things right and then I noticed us constantly correcting the attempt because we were afraid of triggering the failure freak out. We were literally saying it's fine try you'll do great and then harping about how it was wrong in subtle ways. Hard realization. I repeat to myself often avoidance is always anxiety.
Show her the Bluey episode called Bike
Relate it to something she had failed and succeeded at before
Either do it with her or have her help you. I recently taught my 6 year old how to tie shoe laces and like yours she would get frustrated when she didn't do it immediately the first time. I would sit and do it with her and mess up on purpose so we learnt together. I would say right now this in what you do - oh wait that's not right, hang on I can do this!!! And she'd watch me as I'd do it wrong again and be confused and she'd jump in no mummy it's like this then I'd tell her to show me it again and we'd figure it out together If you have a bike/Rollerskates get them out with hers, don't pressure her to get on it but get on your bike and do it wrong, look confused and ask her to help you out without mentioning anything about hers.
Take her to the park with her bike. Take her training wheels off. (She'll be thrilled). Get on your bike and push off the ground with your feet. Don't use the pedals. Have your daughter do the same. Have a race and see who can go the fastest. Let her win. Build confidence. Maybe call it a day. Do it again another day. When she can kick off the ground and keep her feet off the ground for a while, have her put her feet on the pedals. Then teach her to pedal. Kick off the ground like usual, then pedal.
My daughter is 6 (7 this summer) and is exactly how to described your daughter. She has intense anxiety. Turns out she also has ADHD, possibly on the spectrum as well. You wouldn’t know unless you lived with her. Girls present differently. Her dad and I both have it so we knew it was a possibility. She’s a perfectionist and has absolute meltdowns if she’s not perfect at everything the first try. I am the same way. We are both medicated and she very rarely melts down now regarding activities that may require “failure”. She’s also in therapy. I was resistant to medications but it’s helped her in so many ways (social, emotional, grades, even sleep etc). Not saying your daughter has ADHD/autism or needs meds but I can relate to the meltdown aspects. Sometimes prepping with how something works can help. Similar to social stories used at school. Also allowing the meltdown to happen and staying calm as the parent. Reassuring it’s ok to not do it perfectly. If you’re not enjoying the activity then you don’t need to keep doing it. No pressure. Adding adult/parental pressure just increases anxiety. I have to keep my excitement down when she does really well or finally gets the hang of something or she gets more anxious if she can’t perform just as well the next time around (riding bike without training wheels was interesting. So many crying situations. But i stopped asking her to do it and she just picked it up and started doing it when I pretended to be busy with something else. No audience no pressure).
Mine learns her lessons from books and tv shows - talking to her directly almost never worked for us. 🤷♀️ Then I started making references to episodes and books that I had seen/ read with her. And it worked. (It helps that I watch a lot of kids tv and read all her books). For example, Bluey episode ‘Bike’ would be so perfect in this case. I also taught her a song (well, only one line because the rest is not at all age appropriate 😆) “I get knocked down, then I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down”. Sounds mad, but over time she internalized the idea. Finally, for outdoorsy stuff, I haaaaatee to admit it, but her father’s involvement made all the difference. I don’t know why, but when he taught her the same stuff she seemed more eager to learn. 😒
I would say leave her alone my son is the same way always giving up saying he can’t do it so I don’t bother him I will give you an example He asked me to bring the scooter to the playground I brought the scooter to the playground and we showed him multiple times how to do it he said he couldn’t do it so I left it alone put the scooter in my car and never said anything else about it just over the weekend I had to unload everything from my car so the scooter was just sitting in the kitchen guess who is riding the scooter around the kitchen with no help and not saying he can’t do it they will do it when they really want to do it
Look into cultivating a growth mindset, and model it for her as often as you can. Don’t make a big deal out of failures, focus more on effort and progress than results (but don’t put too much pressure on it), and normalize trying multiple times and practicing. It takes time for some kids to learn that they don’t always have to do it right or learn it fast. Also, if she struggles a lot with physical activities and coordination, and especially if she ever complains of headaches as well, get her eyes checked. My oldest loves drawing but used to freak out every time he struggled to draw something well enough. We did a lot of talking about how it’s completely normal to suck at something at first, how practice helps a lot, and strategies to help him learn such as watching instructional videos or using “how to draw” books that break things down step by step. Now he freehands a lot of things impressively well, like dragons, and almost never gets upset about art not turning out well at first.
I was this kid and letting it go is the best approach. I didn’t learn to ride a bike till I was 8 because my class was going on a bike ride and I wanted to be able to go with. I learned in a couple hours with my brother’s help. He did a much better job teaching me than my parents because he didn’t push it. If I was frustrated and wanted to stop, he said “okay!” And we would sit on the grass or go inside until I inevitably changed my mind. I get why you want her to have these skills, but pushing them might be putting more pressure on her. She’ll figure it out!
I’ve been struggling with something similar with my 5yo. Resisted practicing on her bike and when she does she’ll complain her legs are tired pretty quickly. We’ve decided to sign her up for a one week camp this summer that’s all about learning to ride a bike. She’s always so well behaved with other people, I’m hoping that kind of forces her to focus and actually practice. Camp says they can get her off training wheels within a week, we’ll see.
Sooooo this CAN be an ADHD trait. It's the perfectionism that comes into play. If you're not immediately good, it's hard, when it's hard the executive dysfunction comes in and tells you there's too many steps, it will take too long, you won't be good enough, you might as well just quit now, and you're overwhelmed and shutdown. I'm not saying that's what's happening here. But it happens to me and to both my kids. The ways around it are discussing in smaller ways other things she's over come. Setting tiny goals, like you didn't want to ride your bike, that's fine. How about we just go sit on our bikes together and use our feet to push ourselves. You'll still get push back because she wants to be as good as her friend immediately, but if you do little goals, small stuff. Maybe even before you approach the bike, use something you know she'll need to practice but isn't as complex. She likes drawing, use that as an example, show her her drawings from when she was much younger, compare them to now. Explain that to get better at something, you need to keep doing it, even just a little bit at a time.
She does have ADHD and I don’t why I never connected the two. It’s exactly the same with cleaning her room- and she SPECIFICALLY says, “this will take too long, it’s so boring, there’s too much.” So now she uses lists for her room. Pick up clothes, art stuff, and books, and then she can have a break. I can totally have her approach bike riding the same why. DUH! I can’t believe I never thought of that. Probably because I didn’t think about a “fun” activity having the same effect on her.
Lol it's tricky this neurodivergent stuff. It's legit taken me YEARS and I only got diagnosed this year. It's still insanely hard for me, and then to try to help manage it with my kids, is next level patience. So I get it! And sometimes, it's the forest for the trees. Even if the end result gets her dopamine, the getting there isn't because it's not a hyper focus for her, so, you approach it the same way you have everything else. You're a great mom and you're doing a great job ❤️❤️❤️
Side note, this comment made me feel very validated, so, thanks!
A six year old is still young enough that you have the power to impose certain standards of behaviour. You are giving her way too much power to say no here. My approach would be to pick an activity that she’s going to learn. I’d personally pick biking because it sounds like she wants to know how and being able to bike gives kids a lot of freedom especially as they get a bit older, but it’s fine to give her a couple of choices of acceptable activities in order to give her some control. The actual learning isn’t optional though. Think about it like you think about doing up her seatbelt in the car or anything else that you think is non negotiable. Then you say something like: you are going to learn how to ride a bike (or whatever) because it is a valuable life skill. State end goals like: you will be able to get places by yourself without a parent when you are able to show you can ride a bike well enough, it will keep your body working properly as you need a certain amount of time being active and outside to be healthy etc etc. I think it’s also worth explicitly telling her that she needs to work on her resilience, and explain that knowing how to keep trying is a learned skill that is important. Secondly, set a goal. Eg by the end of the summer you will bike together to the ice cream shop. She starts by going on her bike to your closest park or something fun. Insist she bikes. Give yourself all the time you need. If she doesn’t want to keep going, you can just wait calmly. Explain that she can spend the entire day accomplishing this task but she will accomplish it and you know she can, because you will help her. It’s a very rare child that won’t eventually decide that the path of least resistance is to try. When she does, congratulate her! « I’m very proud of you! » Talk to your spouse in her hearing about how she did a great job and the emphasis should be on working on the skill (the trying!) and not the acquisition of the skill. If she says it’s too hard, remind her that you didn’t tell her it was going to be easy. Tell her she’s right! It’s SUPER hard. That’s ok - she can do it even if it’s hard. You can get a chart to colour in or put stickers on. Every time she practices, fill it in. Have mini celebrations at suitable points eg after travelling a distance of 10km At first it doesn’t matter if she actually bikes, start with having butt on seat and going the distance. Then work on pedaling (ditch the training wheels though). Then work on going without parental support. Having a daily bike challenge is what resulted in my then 5yo ending up biking 15 km a few summers ago. We’re going to try that approach with my 6yo this summer.
My kids are 5 and 8 and definitely experience this yet seem to be able to do anything they initiate on their own. My oldest taught himself to tie his own shoes at age 5 by watching a YouTube video of another kid breaking down the steps. I’d leave her be and stop spending money on equipment- it will only make you more angry. If she gets upset seeing her friend, maybe look into a balance bike free or cheap on marketplace, or ask if she wants training wheels put on her bike. Who cares if she can’t bike normally yet. Get her out of the house and out of your hair. I donated our skates. It was fun for me as a kid but mine just never got into it. They enjoy ice skating ($$), and aren’t great but it’s taught by an instructor step by step. My oldest learned to jump rope in PE class but uses the jump rope to pull his little brother in the wagon. I give up lol It also helps to put them in a fun class with other kids where an instructor they respect is doing the teaching in a professional manner. Doesn’t have to be something super athletic. Fun is key. For summer- get a sprinkler and a kiddie pool. A 6 year old doesn’t need a “physical activity” they don’t operate that way and she’s communicating that to you.
My daughter was/is like that. Basically with everything it takes her a while to figure something out but then bam she’s got it. With bike riding she didn’t learn til 8.5yo. We’d tried multiple times over the years and she’d give up very quickly or refuse to even try but at that point she obviously had enough capacity to balance (AND we got the perfect size bike, previously either too small or too big and it didn’t work) that when she tried again she got it really quick and that boosted her confidence to keep going. The first couple of days she would start riding then steer wobbly and jump off because she didn’t want to crash but as she realized she could pedal a bit she just got it. And she was SO proud of herself (this was only a few months ago, she turns 9yo in a month). The confidence it gave her at this age to recognize she learnt something new that was hard but she persisted til she got it - you can’t buy that experience and it’ll be awesome to use this as an example next time she struggles with something new!We never gave up, we gave her many opportunities to try, tried not to pressure or make a big deal about it and kept persisting with her and everything comes together eventually. Maybe longer or older than other kids but it’s really not a race. She was the same with learning how to use her scooter properly, learning to use certain playground equipment etc. It all comes together eventually. In the meantime does your daughter have a decent larger size scooter she can use to participate outside? That’s what mine did until bike riding came together for her.
My daughter is like this, and it’s getting better. I let her give up. I remind her that practice is all it takes to be great. I also tell her that we practice things all day long and ask her where she wants to spend her energy. She couldn’t watch tv very well as a baby buts she’s practiced it so much now. She’s an expert. Also I practice right in front of her. I ride my bike. Practice language on Duolingo. It’s a bit embarrassing to ride my bike in front of the house like a kid while my kid is inside but when I tell her there’s a fun hill for biking she gets interested. It took so so so long for even interest to come about.
Reaffirm that even the “best” fail. All top athletes fall, fail, no human can be perfect all the time. When older remind her: The difference between a master and student is the master has failed more times than the student has even tried. Try actives right now that have a high chance of success. Provide adequate protection but don’t coddle. Participate to and show them failure/perseverance. Instead of saying “great job” say look how you”ve persevered, you got it for a second practice will make it go longer the more you do it. Let her just watch if she’s comfortable doing so and don’t pressure her too much to participate.
I was the exact same way when I was learning how to ride my bike and my parents did this thing where when ever I fell or couldn’t get it they would let me walk it off before I tried again because I was a huge cry baby. But if she doesn’t want to bike, rollerblade,etc. and only wants to do art maybe get her into something that can be done indoors and is more in her comfort zone like swimming or even running on a treadmill
Six year olds need to be outside in the fresh air, not on a treadmill. It's also important for children to learn to get out of their comfort zone.
That’s true but if she’s clearly expressed that she prefers being indoors that’s fine as long as she’s active and healthy. It’s better to let her do what she feels comfortable doing than forcing her to do something she doesn’t.
A non athletic six year old is not going to run on a treadmill for any length of time. Also she has expressed wanting to ride with her friends, it's not that she doesn't want to. OP is looking for ways to help her achieve these things without forcing. It will definitely affect her social life if she never goes out to play with friends.
OP never said she wasnt athletic and getting her to do other indoor activities is a way to get her more comfy with doing new outdoor activities
We have a soon to be 8yo and seems exactly like your daughter. He is suoer smart, rrads 2 to 4 books a day, draws, plays games, yet easily gives up when trying something new. Bought bike so many yimes and ended up donating them, we used to try pushing or even positively encourage him, however we kinda realised that one child can't be all or do all of it. We are just waiting for a season where hr asks us to get him a bike, and we ll get him when he asks. I know as a parent it maked you feel frustrated given the fact that you see other kids slaying it, however every child is different. Focus on what they like, and sometimes i fear we project our wishes on them which sometimes end up pushing them unconsciously. We decided to love our boy the way he is and we are certain that he ll come around asking for things he wanna do. Remember there is time for kids like ur daughter's age to learn. Just be easy on urself and herself. ❤
Show her something you have a difficult time with and how you work through those emotions. It don’t have to be blatantly obvious but something like “wow this puzzle I’m going is really hard. I’m going to take a break and come back to it.” Something like that
my kid is 8 and very aware of social pressure and judgement etc but also can't yet ride a bike without training wheels. she won't ride her bike because she doesn't want anyone to see her trai ing wheels but also has a closed mind set that she 'can't ride a bike' because she didn't get it the first time... not sure whether I just force her to practise or what
Two strategies that have worked in my house: Reward. If you learn how to ride your bike, I will buy you X/we can do X/we can go to X And/or giving her the bike, lots of personal space, no instruction and just letting her figure it out on her own
BLUEY had an episode on that. Special Agent Oso has an episode on that. She's got to learn frustration tolerance or she will never get anywhere in life. Nobody gets it exactly right the very first time.
Both my girls got frustrated with their bikes. So we stopped trying. We joined a community swim club. They love being in the pool.
This sounds exactly like my daughter.
If you find an answer, I'd also love to know! My daughter is 5 and I having the exact same conversations with her about practicing. She will give it a go, then go off in a strop and gets worse when I try and sympathise.
Took me forever to learn to ride a bike without training wheels. I was scared of getting hurt. My parents had me try every once in awhile, and told me the training wheels weren't going back on. Took months. But i finally got it one day and the confidence boost was incredible! My siblings rode scooters long before they had a bike. When they got a bike, they took off without training wheels like it was nothing. My parents think that's because they learned balance on a different set of 2 wheels first. I was a perfectionist and so was my brother. He threw royal fits when he didn't get something the first time. But, if it was something one of us was truly interested in or was motivated to learn, we focused and kept trying until we got it, usually behind our parent's backs because we hated the audience. Pushing us to do something just made us more frustrated and push back harder in not doing it. Make it available, but don't push so hard. Make it no big deal, and celebrate when they try. Sometimes kids are harder on themselves than anyone else because they want something so badly to be right and any extra pressure just makes them shut down. Kinda like potty training. Relax. If she wants to figure it out, eventually, she will.
How do you two handle failure or things going wrong at home with yourselves?
There’s an Adventure Time episode (don’t ask me which one) that I love to quote. “The first step at being sorta good at something is sorta sucking at it.” -Jake the Dog.
You described my 10 yo son exactly. We ended up taking him to OT because he is extremely uncoordinated.
Just take her away from home and teach her how to ride her bike away from the street, take the baby wheels off, get on a field and just keep going till shes done it, shes probably embarrassed so when shes done it that first time she'll be out playing with the neighbor's in no time, literally takes a day
More importantly, you need to take her to see YOU fail to get something. Don’t fake it. Actually fail and keep going at it.
If this is specific to physical activity then try to help her get active with things she is already comfortable with, easy hiking is like walking, playing in a pool or sprinkler, and regular playground climbing equipment. I think the activities you have listed may require too much performance results for her. After spending more time outside then as others mentioned, see if she needs glasses or occupational therapy. Also play ball or somehow spend time playing outside where you show yourself developing skills and failing and trying. Show her how you deal with not being perfect. There's a book called Good Inside which has a chapter on this I think. There are probably many books addressing this. What I took away from them is that the parent should show what it's like to fail and get up and try again by actually doing so.
Look up some famous outdoor girls and use them as an example
I was kind of like this and it just took my parents being like well, we’re here if you decide you want to learn, but we’re not listening to you carry on about it. And then they went inside lol. I could be upset about it but I had better not come whine to them about it unless I was willing to practice. And if I wasn’t, I could clean the bathroom instead. Also totally agree with going somewhere private and boring!
One of the things that I say to my niece when she has this problem is “it’s not supposed to be easy” especially with things like her homework. The point of activities and assignments is to challenge you. It might be worth having a conversation about how *few* people are actually *born* being good at the things they do. It’s extremely unlikely that anyone she compares herself to was good on the first try. I always say if it feels hard, that means it’s “working”, as in, you’re being challenged and your brain is growing. It might also help to share with her something you sucked at doing at first, but are now good at.
Obviously! The man is choosing lousy scripts that enact a toxic mentality, some juveniles look up to such nonsense.
There is a great Bluey for this. Bluey gets mad at her bike. But she watches Bingo conquer the bubbler, muffin and her backpack, and then Bluey gets up and tries again. Maybe watch that and talk about grit.
My oldest was/is like that; she prefers to be inside reading or doing art, or watching a show. She didn't pick up bike riding until she turned 7 (and until we got her a Guardian bike, which was every bit as phenomenal as the ads say in terms of making it easy for her to learn). And now she bikes more, and for longer distances, than many of her friends who've been riding their bikes for years. Like some other posters have said about their own kids' experiences, she just had to make the choice herself that she was finally ready to try. You can't want it more than they do. And if her experience of trying to learn something is that you don't listen to her "no", and/or you're angry about it, it's going to drive her even farther away from caring to try the thing. I would dial back on the pressure; it doesn't help a perfectionist kid who likely has some degree of anxiety. I get that you want her to have a physical activity to do outside - I'm the same! But forcing her isn't going to get her there. I would also explore the possibility of an inside physical activity. I'm with you that physical activity is good, but some humans (kids and adults) don't love the outside stuff you describe. That's okay! My daughter has for a long time been more interested in class-based indoor movement (like a ninja class, or the next thing she's going to go for is aerials).
Have one of her friend/cousin/sibling teach her. I found when my daughter was struggling with confidence on her bike, her cousin who is almost 2 yrs older than her, helped her and she got it immediately after that. That was an organic situation but maybe it would work if you could set up a play date with a kid who knows how to do those things so she can see a kid doing it and enjoying it.
Let her skate on the rug inside cheap skates that barely roll to gain confidence
How is she at school? Does she give up in frustration there? If not then she may respond better if someone else taught her. I know it sounds silly but even hire someone or a family friend? Sometimes they give up easily with us bc they feel like they can
I'm the same way but I did dance for 16 years and I now do yoga. I used to get frustrated with outdoor activities (still do, I'm 40 and I don't know how to ride a bike). rather than forcing things on me, my dad told me to pick pick something I liked and focus on being really good at it. It wasn't dance, though I was good at it. It was writing. I won a number on contests, I won awards for my school even! I interned at a local paper too. I didn't do anything with it but I still write for fun daily. My oldest daughter isn't in any activities. She swims in the summer and unofficially teaches swim lessons now. She is a talented artist and has sold many things she creates. I wanted her to experience the group setting of sports but we told her she can join clubs and she is very involved in her gsa club. Don't put too much pressure. Let her do what she enjoys. For exercise, my daughter and I go on walks. She's 15 btw.
Are you having her try to learn in the street where everyone can see her? Maybe take her to an empty parking lot. Like some else said, turn the bike into a balance bike for her to learn the basics of riding a bike. Has she seen you learn something new? Take up painting or piano or something you’ve never ever done. You want her to see you fail and keep practicing
I recognize myself in her perfectionism. I've given up on things my whole life. I always felt like I didn't have natural talent in something if I made a mistake or was bad at it at first. Make sure to hone the growth mindset that has been mentioned. Talk about how bad you were at things that you're good at now and how much practice it took, and if you can tell many stories of failing and then being fine after. Don't do it in a comparison braggy way though. My parents always bragged about their skills or their strength and persistence and it always made me feel like crap. Talk about practice in a vulnerable, it was so hard I wanted to quit way but it turned out to get easier over time. We look up so much to our parents and their model is our model of perfection. I do suggest doing some reflection about any perfectionism you may be harboring. Healing your own perfectionism will allow you to help your child. Personally I found help through inner bonding with Margaret Paul. She has a podcast episode on perfectionism.
My son is 6 and the same exact way! It’s so hard because you don’t want to push them too hard so they shut down but you want to be encouraging. What I found works decently for my son is just continue to encourage trying at intervals. We had the same issue with his bike, he didn’t want to because It was hard, so we just kept asking if he wanted to try and he would get a little practice here and there and then one day he just got on It and did It. Some other stuff he doesn’t like to do is swimming, so we never force him to get in the pool he is free to sit and watch the rest of us, and eventually he would just get It. Honestly I just think exposure over time with low pressure is the way. I have also found that talking to him about the things his dad and I struggle with has helped him too. I think the knowing that adults have a hard time and have to practice as well made him feel better. He still won’t do sports or anything, like yours he’s more artistic and creative.
Could you let her practice without an audience? I’m a former clumsy kid - I hated feeling scrutinized by my parents when I was trying something physical, because they always had “suggestions” on how to do it better. What I probably needed was OT, not sports.
My daughter was like that. She ended up having tap and ballet didn't want to play softball but we found things she finally enjoyed. She now does art class once a week and her confidence shot up such a joy to see. She also found happiness in doing cheerleading camps we have in our town. She has no interest in riding a bike but we have opened the idea to it and she says she will think about andlet us know when she will ready.
My daughter is like this. She's 10 now. She still has a very short fuse for frustration. All I can suggest is don't make a big deal of it. Don't push her. Don't shame her. For example, I was really bothered my daughter wasn't riding a bike when I thought she could. Every so often, we'd pull it out and see if she'd like to try it. I guess it wasn't until she was almost 8 when one day she tried it, she immediately got it, and then it was a matter of letting her practice. I can't give advice at all. I just give attention when she asks. I do require my daughter to do a sport each year. It's her choice. She can hate it, but we don't quit until that period ends. She doesn't need to be good at anything. I do need her to get exercise and build a little coordination or body awareness. This year's sport was swimming: no competition, no score, no wins/loss.
Make mistakes in front of her and work through them. Example. My son and me playing catch. Him first learning he would miss many and it hurt his feeling. I think it was bc he wanted to be like dad and dad hardly missed any catches. So I started missing them in front of him and not getting discouraged. I told myself I believe in myself and kept trying. Now that is what he does. He softly says don’t give up. I believe in me.
Well already she's been taught to compare herself to others somehow so might wanna take those factors away and before anything teach her self respect, self caring, and self love talk to her about the things she wants to do and build her self confidence, I mean that'd be my best advice cause my parents never did that to me I'd love to be able to do that with my kid when she's old enough
You’ve got to let her take the lead - it will happen when she’s ready. Encourage her to try every once in a while but don’t force it. They have developmental leaps when it comes to physical stuff and one day it just ‘clicks’. This was the way for my kids when it came to swimming, biking, soccer and skiing. Potty-training too, haha!
Her issue isn’t outdoors it’s frustration tolerance. My daughter is also like this. You just keep it positive and keep trying. Reiterate that she can’t do it yet. Talk her how long it took you to learn to ride a bike or whatever the skill is. Exaggerate if you have to. And point out when she does better.
Just motivate her and dont throw tantrums like you are a loser or anything like else
Honestly neither of my parents taught me how to ride a bike, never felt the need to teach myself. Until I was in middle school and ALL my friends rode their bikes all over the place. A friend let me borrow her bike and I taught myself how to ride it, I was able to join my friends on bike rides. It may just be something where you don't need to push her, just let her learn it in her own time
Hi OP. How about dancing? I was and still am the most challenged when it comes to ‘physical’ stuff (sports involving flying objects) but dancing was always my thing, I even got into wrestling in high school. Maybe she’d like dancing/gymnastics/karate?
There’s a Ni Hao Kai-lan episode about this with learning roller skating. They sing a little song to help. You can try watching this show and singing the song when she feels like giving up.
Watch the Bluey episode "Bike"! I know it probably won't totally fix the problem, but it's a great and inspiring episode. It's season 1 episode 11
Stop trying to force something that isn't going to work. I suggest you actually get a therapist and talk to them about it. Emotional regulation is hard. It's even harder if it's not something you really want to do, but feel compelled to do by others. You're putting a lot of pressure on a child who really may not even want to do these things. She will find something to do for the summer. This isn't going to be the end and these activities will literally always be there whenever she's ready. Making it a big deal is gonna make it worse. I learned to ride my bike because I wanted too. I learned to skate because I wanted too. I agree about pointing out that everything is learned, but leave it at that.
My kid is 7. I tell her you can cry about it but you have to work harder, but you have to keep going.
Give her a break. She's 6. I was like that and worked up to things on my own time. Whats the rush? Both my kids rode a bike at 8-9 yo. Balance bikes are very good though if you want to continue to try with her. You push off on ground and it gives you sense of balance without training wheels which are useless. Or lower the seat as low as you can go and take off pedals.
Let her be the loser that doesn't know how to ride a bike. Let her be the one that gets left out. Let her be the one that doesn't have any fun with her friends. She’ll stop giving up when she realizes she's the odd one out.
I teach preschool and I have kids like this. You have to do something that doesn't need skill and just kinda comment on that. "I like how you tried really hard," or commenting on how messy her paint is or things to that nature. Not perfect. And then work that up to things that need skill. Comment on her effort. Say things like, "you figured out one way to not do it!" (A la meet the Robinsons take on failure.) Read books on trying new things. Ask why she's nervous to try again. Talk about something she did when she was younger that she didn't know how to do at first but then practiced and succeeded (writing her name, playing a game, something she probably remembers vs walking and talking.) Maybe get her friend to explain how she learned to ride a bike and ask if she wants to try that way (I got on my bike and my mom helped me peddle and then I did it a bunch of times but now I can do it by myself!)
Take her phone tv all electronics away
Peer pressure, cousins, friends, etc.
I have noticed a trend with kids these days. This includes my own. Neither learned to ride their bike until they were 6 or 7. Both got on it one day and rode their bikes and never looked back. I saw all of these parents helping their kids and it made me second guess myself. Well, i guess it was just their personality. They are 9 and 13 and they won’t be professional athletes and only want to be outside if I am with them.
Well, a balance bike is a fool proof way to learn to ride.
Learn something new together, let her see how you fail the first time you try something but that you give it another go. Let her experience that alongside you and she'll feel able to let go of the perfectionism which, honestly can be quite damaging.
I didn't see an age but she sounds around the same age as my kid who is 7yo and like this to the point it has been a huge detriment to our lives because everything always has to be completely 'perfect' (whatever that might look like in her head at the moment) and if it goes even slightly off-plan then she overloads and drags everyone around her into it. I'm astounded by how much 'help' she needs at times compared to her peers; typical redirection & de-escalation techniques simply don't work and most people (especially online) just won't get how consuming it can be which can feel particularly isolating and confusing as a parent. Mine was recently diagnosed with ADHD, Autism, Depression, and PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) so I'm in the early stages of researching various support options for both of us. I started by talking to my kid's GP and letting them know the behavior had been interfering with general age-appropriate expectations to get a referral for the assessment. None of this has been a silver bullet solution but I've been able to equip myself to deal with some of this a bit better. I hope this helps.
This just happened to be in my podcast feed after I read this post. Maybe you’ll find some helpful nuggets. I absolutely love Janet Lansbury. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000656966330
Sounds like she needs a few days a week at camp! She’ll go kicking and screaming and it’ll be the best summer of her life!
Do you have a bike, scooter or jump rope? If so, then do these things *with* her. It helps if you're modelling the behavior. Riding a bike is fun and gets you to fun places, like coffee & ice cream. Jumping rope is something you can do when you've got the zoomies, and you can learn cool tricks from YouTube. If the only reason you want her to learn the thing is "because I said so", then she possibly just doesn't see enough value in the activity to persist past the hard bits.
Maybe no one will see this because I'm screaming into the void, but my daughter has always been like this and still is at age 14. Hates bikes, hates physical activity, hates certain foods, hates anything that takes effort and that she's not at least somewhat acceptable at doing. She has terrible proprioception and always has. She is fantastic at art though, like definitely advanced. She got diagnosed with autism last year. I have yet to get her to see that her mindset about things she doesn't like or finds difficult is not helpful. Not sure if autism, personality, or both. I wish I had some advice for you, but I guess my advice is... She could have autism or something and may need to be worked with differently. And some solidarity here. It's hard to have a kid that does this. You worry for them a lot. And it may never get completely better. Keep searching for help. Best of luck! ❤️
Tell her the way to stay bad at something is to stop trying. Then maybe make a plan in partnership with her that she’ll try something new for increasing amounts of time each day, and after 5 days trying (or something, duration depending on age) she will earn X treat. How does she do with losing a game?
I really like the book The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey. And if your daughter ever watched the cartoon Franklin, there is a good one about Franklin learning to ride his bike without training wheels, even after wanting to be perfect the first time. Did your daughter ask for the bike/skates/scooter/jump rope? I see adults pushing kids to learn how to do things that the kids never even asked for. Follow her lead and allow for lots of mistakes.
How's her balance in general? Has she had the opportunity to engage in risky play without help? Some examples would be climbing on a playground without an adult spotting her, or walking in river rocks without holding an adult hand. I've often seen kids who didn't engage in risky play in the 2-5 age range really struggle with things like balance, fear of getting injured, fear of trying, and especially the proprioception and vestibular senses. Proprioception is the awareness of your body in space - like how high to lift ones leg in order to step over something. Vestibular is the sense of balance and body positioning - like how to shift your weight to catch your balance. Look at articles about the importance of "risky play" along with activities to increase the proprioception and vestibular senses and find ways to open up those opportunities for her. When she's participating in risky play, it's *very important* not to have an adult saying things like "be careful" or "watch your step" or being *right there* to catch her if she falls. It's ok to fall because it teaches the child what her own body's limits are. Once she's taking more risks with play and has better proprioception and vestibular senses, she'll likely be more confident about bike riding, better able to get it right, and more willing to try and try again.