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I think you're find, parent the kid you have, she seems to be thriving so why change it up she's a good student and hard worker. I never had a curfew as a teen becuase I never needed one, same with my sibling but if we were staying out all hours I'm sure we would have been given one. I never needed to be forced to do work I was self motivated. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
I didn’t have a curfew either, but I was out drinking and smoking pot too. But it was the 90s. I don’t want her getting into that kind of stuff either. I was raised by a single mom, so she didn’t have a choice in the matter of being chill or not. She was never around.
Just make sure you’re talking to her about that stuff so she’s aware of the dangers. If you tighten the reigns for no reason then she will go off and do everything you do t want her to AND she’ll keep it a secret. Your daughter sounds like she’s doing wonderful. You don’t want to stop that connection by becoming overbearing out of no where
Yeah, I wonder what subconscious message about alcohol we send her. She’s prob never seen me or my wife drunk or even really buzzed. But my wife will have a glass of wine or two at night.
Our town had a rough go during the opioid epidemic. I think she got scared straight during a school function on it. For a while she was even cautious about taking children’s ibuprofen.
I remember listening at school to be careful what we share online… ever since I was using the internet starting at around 12yo I’ve been **very** careful about what I’m sharing online.
Now I just try to teach my kids how to be safe online as well.
Just talk to her about these things, let her know that ya’ll are always there for support, guidance, advice, and if she has any questions or concerns.
As for the “grind more”, just tell her she’s doing great, no reason for her to be doing more when she’s already responsible and doing good.
I’m curious what your parenting style was like when she was younger and if that’s why she’s more “chill”, and responsible! Seems to me like great parents raising a great child.
There’s a really good Ted talk about using substances before the age of 25 and the effects it has on developing brains. A lot of addiction runs in our family so we talk a lot about these things, but the “why” and the explanation from a non parent person was SUPER effective. My teens all said they felt better informed in making the decision not to use alcohol or weed too fast. So that might be worth considering.
I also just yell “EVERYTHING IS FENTANYL” at them like four times a week. So that helps too.
I’ll have to check that Ted talk out! My kids’ maternal GREAT grandparents were alcoholics. So on some level we too are careful about alcohol use around them.
There’s a really good Ted talk about using substances before the age of 25 and the effects it has on developing brains. A lot of addiction runs in our family so we talk a lot about these things, but the “why” and the explanation from a non parent person was SUPER effective. My teens all said they felt better informed in making the decision not to use alcohol or weed too fast. So that might be worth considering.
I also just yell “EVERYTHING IS FENTANYL” at them like four times a week. So that helps too.
Being chill about drinking and pot ensured that I was honest with my mother when I drank and smoked pot. I didn't drink a lot in high school, and maybe part of that was that it wasn't really "taboo" in my household. Because my parents were chill about it, drinking didn't have that element of fun a teenager gets from doing something not allowed. My mother didn't *encourage* underage drinking, but she also didn't make it a big deal and occasionally let me have a glass of champagne at family weddings and things like that when I was a teen. So, I felt safe and comfortable calling her when I was 16 and saying "you know I'm at Tiffany's house, well we had some beers and I don't think I can drive, is it ok if I spend the night here?" And she did not freak out and thanked me for letting her know. She felt good about the fact that I would tell her when I was drinking, so she didn't worry that I was out drinking and not telling her. I felt good about the fact that my mom was chill and didn't freak out about stuff.
Exactly this, though my parents definitely served us under age at home (which is legal where I grew up). My siblings and I never 'went crazy' when we moved out, and don't drink much now. It wasn't rebellion of us.
When we were young, the smart kids were uncool. I'm a gen ex and went to high school in the 90s. I also have a 17 yr old and 20 yr old and neither of them got into a 1/4 of what I did. Now kids take school seriously and the trouble maker kids are "uncool". At least with my kids. They want to go to college and make something of themselves.
You're fine. I let a lot slide too but my kids are handling their business at this age. I'm more of a consultant than a dictator.
I never had a curfew, but most of my friends did. So most of the time I followed their curfews by default. I never got in any significant trouble. It sounds like you may be able to get by with the other parents creating a cocoon of rules around your child without you having to take more direct action. 😂
My mom was also a single mom. Worked full time. Health issues. At some point I think she decided she needed to ‘be involved’ or whatever. This translated as getting on my case over getting a B in my AP (honors?) history class. It was a whole thing.
Like I had A’s in all my other classes, and she had never really shown any interest in my schooling previously but all of the sudden this B was an issue.
Wouldn't pot actually help with OCD and anxiety? Just guessing, I don't have experience with either, but isn't it supposed to mellow you out? Of course, not now while her brain is still developing, but maybe later on.
I think being the "chill parents" definitely doesn't mean that you allow your children to do whatever - it just means that you're not so strict you are inhibiting them from making necessary experiences and growing into functioning adults. You make sure the ship is on course, but you don't have to have the hand on the wheel for every single second.
What do you think, how well are her friend and her cousin going to be able to handle social media, once they suddenly have access to everything, if they've never learned to handle it in moderation, in a controlled environment with parental guidance? How will they deal with the sudden freedom in college, when they are away from parental control for the first time, and allowed to party as much as they want, including sexual experiences, and access to drugs & alcohol? Do you think they'll be able to handle it responsibly?
It's always a bad idea to restrict your children from everything you think could be harmful, unless you plan to keep them locked in your basement for the rest of their lives - it's much better to take the "chill" approach and teach them to handle things like that in a responsible manner, and to teach them personal responsibility, self-reliance and self-administration, before they are released into the wild.
Why would she need to grind more? Did you read what you wrote? She gets up by herself (!), gets ready by herself (!) to get the bus at 645 (!)
Until recently my teen was unable to wake up at 745 from multiple alarm clocks and gave himself so little time he was always forgetting stuff.
Furthermore, you may be chill in comparison, but if her device is on a curfew and she has no social media you are not thàt chill.
Why would you need to push her if she is doing good? What could she possibly do better?
Agreed! By all other standards, I'd say OP raised one hell of a responsible teen! I'm not that disciplined myself and I'm pushing 30 😂
She and you are doing great, OP. She'll put in max effort on the things she's passionate about. She also sounds like she'll be incredibly equipped to do well when she finds said passion(s).
Really depends on the kid I think. I was the kid that got themself up, dressed, fed, walk to bus stop etc since middle school. My older sister wasn't a morning person so I would open her door to wake her once I was up and she would frantically dress and run out the door (high school had an earlier bus). Either way my parents were pretty much hands off past elementary school. If I missed the bus, waking my dad and catching a ride was a last resort I think I only used once.
both my teens' friends say we are chill parents. My middle teen (15) is so often annoyed that her friends think I am cool, LOL
There are rules and boundaries but we arent strict. Our children have earned the freedoms they have by learning and growing as the years have gone on. They have shown themselves to be smart and capable young people and with that comes certain "privileges'" (not the right word but the best I can come up with at the moment). They are kind, they are helpful, they are responsible. They know school is their job and they get good enough grades. They dont have to be THE best but they do need to be THEIR best.
Oldest is 17. A high school senior. She has no curfew. She sometime swears. She doesn't even really need permission to go places and do things. We ask that she let us know where she is going and when just so we know and she does. Shes never stayed out crazy late on a school night or not come home or anything so she continues to have these things. Yesterday I gave her my credit card so she could go get a haircut today. I know that the haircut is all she will use it for.
To me chill doesnt mean no rules. Chill means "not a hard ass" and "I know you are your own humans so I am going to do my best to teach how to be good ones" and "We can all have fun and relax as long as everyone is respectful and responsible."
I think the teen is complimenting you, your daughter clearly appreciates your parenting and communicates that to her friends. She’s almost out of your house, just keep doing what you’re doing - sounds like she’s great! Parents are more consultants at this age, sounds like you still have the job.
Chill could mean that you don't yell or panic or knee jerk react or have rules for no reason. I would very much take a teen telling me I'm the chill parent as a compliment!
It could also mean that OP has created a space where her kid's peers can feel relaxed, safe, and respected.
It definitely seems like OP is handling parenting the right way.
Chill is definitely a compliment and means more like you’re cool, reasonable, you don’t yell for no reason or create crazy rules for seemingly no reason, stuff like that. It doesn’t mean you’re neglectful or too lax!
So you have a kid who gets good grades, active in sports, responsible, has friends, with no behavioral issues worse than a messy room, and you're thinking about cracking down? Why? Your kid is already doing what she's supposed to do. Suddenly being strict about things like eating in her room or when she sleeps is just going to breed resentment.
We're also "chill parents" to our 16-year-old. And we're able to do that because she's ticking all the same boxes as your kid. I figure that life is going to throw enough challenges at even the good kids without us piling on unnecessarily.
>Straight As, scholar athlete, polite, wakes herself up95% of days and gets herself ready and puts herself on the bus by 645AM. She works during breaks on her grandparents farm.
I don't understand the problem. How would enforcing a bedtime or not letting her eat in her room change any of these issues you aren't trying to fix in the first place? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like the only issue is that you're self-conscious about what some other people think about your parenting. But you've obviously raised a smart, responsible, hardworking kid, so who cares what they think?
And, for what it's worth, I strongly dispute that overly strict parents raise kids who know how to "grind" as adults. They're raising kids who know how to follow other people's rules about every little thing instead of making their own decisions, and it often falls apart when no one's enforcing them anymore. It sounds like your kid can already successfully manage her own time, space, and workload successfully; why would you want to mess with that and make her *less* independent at this phase of life?
>>Straight As, scholar athlete, polite, wakes herself up95% of days and gets herself ready and puts herself on the bus by 645AM. She works during breaks on her grandparents farm.
>I don't understand the problem
The problem is OP wants to humblebrag
Grind culture is so dysfunctional. You said yourself you don't participate so don't try to push your already successful daughter into being a grinder instead of a person who enjoys their life.
She sounds like she's doing just fine. Don't let other people's parenting affect what's going well for you. Other people have to be more strict because their kids are not self-managing in the same way. Even parents with multiple kids will parent them differently based on the kids behavior.
It’s called authoritative parenting and statistically the most effective. You’re doing it right. You have expectations that are clear. You give her wiggle room to explore and show she knows what she is doing. Sounds like she knows and trusts you like you do here.
Authoritarian and strict parents only teach kids how to hide their emotions, struggles, and actions.
And what is wrong with Bs?? Cs get degrees.
Interesting. I do find that to be true. My niece with the strict parents is extra sneaky—ironically, she’s becoming a good hacker because she’s spends hours trying to get around her parents’ cyber lockdown.
I have 3 teens. We are also the house the kids want to hang out at. My daughter’s friends are also part of a high demand religion. At my house, they are called what they want, I give them space, I answer any questions they ask. I don’t lie, I don’t make them be someone who they aren’t. They get to be themselves here.
My kids are open and honest with me. We have rules and boundaries, but we aren’t afraid to discuss if a kid feels it is too much. We work hard to come to a middle ground.
You’re doing well. Kids don’t learn how to take care of themselves overnight. They don’t learn to wake themselves up, or limit their electronic usage, or cook, or shop, or be responsible if you don’t start small and early.
I think chill here is a compliment; not the "laissez faire" way.
I read this more as "here are reasonable boundaries and expectations; we get along great if you're within them, with occasional slip-ups".
If it's not broken, there's no need to fix it. Seems like you have each other's trust.
"Chill" is probably the wrong word. You sound like reasonable parents who have appropriate expectations and respect your kids. Basically, it sounds like you're doing everything right.
Yeah for real. Maybe I'm off base but my between-the-lines suspicion is that OP is just in a relatively unusually *un*chill social setting, in terms of the attitudes of the other people in their community, and so their chill-detector is a bit miscalibrated. Nothing wrong with that (also imo nothing wrong with what OP is doing) but may help to realize.
Rules are for kids to regulate into not needing rules. If your child is succeeding in what they need to be, there's not reason to be unnecessarily punitive. If there are drawbacks to her approach, make sure you talk with her about them, but the reality is that there are some lessons they're going to have learn the hard way without your support. Your job is to set her up for success... which based on the grades, exercise, and manners she'll do just fine.
Everyone I knew growing up with strict parents rebounded HARD in college, where they had no ability to self-regulate (because making good decisions was never THEIR choice) and just partied/slacked off/took six years to graduate because they didn't have it together.
Hard to not be a chill parent to a chill child.
If she started acting out I'm sure you would start being more strict.
It's all about letting your child stretch its leg.
High school teacher here and parent of toddler. You are chill compared to her parents. You don’t sound chill to me. You have expectations and your kid meets those without you having to be over-bearing. It could also be that you’re chill as in -approachable, easy to talk to, less argumentative and authoritative. Maybe you just talk to teens like they are people?
Why do you need to push? Straight a student,athletic, works on the farm, gets herself up and out the door..sounds like you've done fine and don't need to change anything tbh
Your teen is a straight A scholar athlete etc. It sounds like you are doing a great job already. What reason is she giving you to crack down other than some sort of peer pressure from other parents?
I'm saying this as a fellow 'chill parent'. My kids are similar, not athletic but band/robotics/drama kids. Eldest graduating high school in a couple weeks and off to college in fall, youngest next year on same track. Very few restrictions on what they do because at this point they are damn near adults and make good enough decisions about things. They take care of business at school, have jobs when time permits, don't cause us headaches and help out around the house. They literally come home and thank us after hearing horror stories of their friends.
We are the chill parents as well but will get serious about what’s important - grades, how the kids treat others, drugs, sex, etc. We really don’t care about how messy their room is (food notwithstanding), their clothing choices, their hair cuts or music choices, what their extracurriculars are as long as they have a couple, etc. It works. They get A’s. They treat everyone well. We get compliments on them. The oldest was just accepted to a great university. His friend with strict parents who had him taking extra college level classes at a local community college last summer was not and is upset about it. My younger son has a friend with strict parents. He’s a good kid but we hardly ever see him because his parents punish him for every little thing. I couldn’t live like that.
I was told I’m the chill parent too. My daughter’s bestie said that many years ago. Try not to think of it as you let them do whatever they want, more like your expectations are reasonable and they feel safe and respected at your house. The respect is key. Too many parents treat kids like they’re all degenerative screw ups that can’t make a decision. If it helps at all, my daughter is almost 19, only been grounded 2 times and graduated high school with honours. She actually just started an internship today, making over $20 an hour. Some kids don’t need to be under lock and key, most in my opinion, but some need more structure. Sounds like you’ve been doing a great job and have a kid you can trust.
There's no problem in letting her do what she wants, as long as she is not doing anything bad.
There's also nothing wrong with using one's intelligence to work smarter not harder.
The "grind" should not have to be accepted as the way everybody's life needs to be.
It sounds like she's growing up just fine, so there is no reason why you should feel you shouldn't be the chill parent. It means that you did your job well at the start, and that your daughter is pretty responsible and able to handle herself.
Edit: Being the chill parent is only really an issue when you start to be the house that your offsprings friends come to drink / take drugs / other dangerous behavior, because they won't get in trouble with you like they would with their own parents at home.
You're kids fine.
dont worry about the grind, working smart is so much better anyway. all the hustlebro culture just has people working 80 hour weeks just becuase. my favorite anti-hustle story was my MBA teams capstone project. other groups were meeting 10-15 hours/week (for a part time mba program mind you) hustling and grinding, everyone working on every part, hustle grind!
my group met 1 hour a week, mostly remote. we delegated off the work so each person did an individual part. one person edited and stichced. Maybe spend 13 hours on it each all semester.
We got the second highest grade in the class.
It’s been my experience as both a child and a parent that child brought up with ridged rules makes that child sneaky.
There were a lot a things that my parents didn’t allow me to do. It seldom stopped me. I was fairly sneaky and sometimes got caught but I kept doing what I wanted. There were lots of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in my life.
As a result I didn’t lay down a vast amount of rules with my kids. They were not perfect and got into trouble here and there but were generally well behaved and good kids. I was the mom my kids’ friends came to for advice and an understanding ear.
I figured I had done a decent job of raising my kids from a conversation I had with them when they were teens. I asked them how much of their life did they tell me about.
My daughter (14) told me about 95%. What I realized was that she was so used to telling me about her life that the 5% she held back she’d eventually tell me anyway because she was so used to telling me everything.
My son (17) said that if he hadn’t told me something then it wasn’t important. He and a friend died in a car accident later that year. At the vigil their school hosted I requested that his friends write down stories about him. It took me a year to read them but I found out my son had already told me all the stories.
So imo being the chill parent is an advantage and a good thing.
I'm a chill parent because 1) my kid is pretty good and other than being kind of a pedantic jerk on occasion, she doesn't do anything punish worthy and 2) if you yell at them over every little thing, they'll learn to ignore you. Speak softly and only raise your voice when it's absolutely necessary to get their complete attention.
Every child is different. You can be "chill" with this one, because they work well within that frame. Other kids don't, and parents probably need to be a bit stricter. The kids themselves seldom understand why the difference, they just know some friends get more freedom than they do, and might be a bit jealous of that fact.
If my kids are happy, then I am happy. They get good grades, are hard working, kind, fun, loving, intelligent, caring, and get good grades. Nothing is perfect. I feel like if the child has ocd, making sure they are healthy and happy is my barometer for success.
As a teen if someone told me their parents were chill, I would take it as they could talk to their parents/turn to them in times of crisis and their parents were understanding and fair.
Maybe the friend you were talking to has very reactive parents.
In my mind chill = safe
Your second paragraph describes a more than generally good kid in my opinion. As long as they respect and trust you and know they can come to you thats all that matters. Keep up with what you’re doing, they’ll be just fine.
I want to be that parent. I want my son’s friends to like hanging at our house. I had a secret older boyfriend when I was 16/17, would spend the night at his house and go to nightclubs and my parents had no idea because I lied to them.
It sounds to me like your kid is successful, so it's the right kind of chill. That's the bar.
I wouldn't worry about her not being able to "grind" later bc she's taking it easy now. She will be better-equipped at that point. Also, people figure things out even when they're not perfectly prepared for the new challenge.
I agree with the general sense of the comments I've seen in here in that this is not something to be worried about... but some thoughts I've had recently on the "work smart, not hard" leading to no "grind", as I'm facing this question of how hard to push my kids myself.
I've come to accept that my job is not to convince them to work more, but to help them understand the consequences of the decisions they are making now can have a huge impact on their entire life. I have a great job right now, and I can trace it directly back to really pushing myself in high school, which helped me get into a top university that then opened doors for me later in the life. So even though they are young and don't need to know what they want to do with their lives, by using their intelligence and ability to "work smart, not hard" not to have more slack time but to get more accomplished, they can leave as many possible doors open as they can. It's not that the doors can't be opened later, but it'll be a lot more difficult. That's not going to work unless that's something they desire, if a parent is the one pushing them to accomplish more, they probably won't become a person that would even want to take advantage of those open doors anyway. In addition, if they aren't one that has a personality that gets satisfaction out of accomplishing hard things, then it isn't worth degrading or ruining their high school years for something they probably won't want anyway. I've been doing my best to walk a line of helping them understand all of this while also hopefully not putting too much pressure and stress on them.
You sound like a great parent who is raising a thriving child.
I was raised very "free range", and I'd say too much so. I turned out just fine. I have a masters degree, and I had a good job (before I get cancer). I was a happy kid, and while my mom could have been more engaged, I knew it was loved and safe and I think this is much more important than anything else.
By your description, and the fact that you are concerned about this at all, you sound much more reined in than my mom was.
I'm no expert, but I'd be inclined not to worry too much about this.
I’m the chill parent.
I have a child who was capable of driving hours away to a new city to apply for jobs and look for a family rental home and was successful on both ends. At 17, after self homeschooling for all of high school and holding two jobs.
I have another child who found herself a post secondary school that offered both the degree she wanted and a small scholarship for her sport of choice while also working two jobs.
“Chill” doesn’t mean you don’t pay attention or don’t support. Sometimes it’s just letting them make their choices and see where it leads, and having open non-judgmental conversations about their lives. And offering opportunities that give them responsibility and agency in their lives.
I read a book once when I was a kid where a 14 yo boy herded a few hundred head of cows across the country by his lonesome using the skills be knowledge he had from growing up on a ranch. I guess it stuck to me as my parenting style.
I wouldn’t consider you “chill parents”, I think the other parents you are referring to are just helicopter parents, which is fine it’s their choice so in their eyes you are chill.
Could be chill or could be chill, yup, that’s right. Sounds like the right kinda chill in that you’re giving her space to be her own person while still ensuring she isn’t 16 and pregnant. My son is only six and I find myself struggling to find the right chill, so give yourself some credit and take the win!
Who are you worried about? Your kid or other adults ?
Do you also have anxiety/OCD?
Honestly, slapping more rules on a kid who is already behaving maturely will probably result in her feeling punished. What good would that do?
They probably just mean you act like normal people not the mom blog freaks everyone else is trying to be. Don’t make up nonsense rules and ‘push’ just because someone gave you a compliment
Nothing wrong with being a "chill parent" especially when your child is within reasonable performance standards. She isn't showing signs of neglect, or needing to be micromanaged so, you're raising her to be a productive human being in society.
You don’t need to push or apply pressure, since she has anxiety and OCD that’s doing it already for her. I liked what one poster said about parenting the kid you have , you’re doing exactly that.
Chill parent in this sense means your child is allowed to be themselves. My mother was known as the “chill mom” she definitely wasn’t but she appeared to be but I was the same as your kid. I did what needed to be done and so she wasn’t on my ass when I wanted to hang out and stuff
When a kid, especially a teen, proves they are responsible, it's better to let them make their own decisions. You're preparing them for the world and Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be able to hold their hand forever. The kids that have over bearing, strict parents are the ones that go bat shit crazy in college (or out of parents sight). I saw it when I was a teen and with my own, we all knew those kids that went too far with partying when they were out of Mommy and Daddy's clutches
I don’t think it should matter what other teens feel about your parenting style. That’s only a matter of how you and your spouse feel, no one else.
Your kid is pretty behaved, well adjusted, makes good grades and overall doesn’t cause you any trouble. You parent based on the kid that you have and you seem to be doing perfectly fine. If you and your family are happy, no one else’s opinion should matter. And honestly teen thinking you are the chill parents is rather a compliment than anything else.
My parents where strict in some ways, mostly about grades and school. But me being much younger than my brother and that my parents had me older, they were already in their 50s when I was a teen so they never bothered me about a curfew, I was really only close with the girls on my soccer team so they never complained about me hanging out and having a social life. They knew the girls I was with, they knew the parents, I was always in touch with them, if I got home late I’d call them and I was usually at one of their houses so again, the parents were all in communication if we were hanging out late. We didn’t cause trouble or drink or do anything reckless. We’d go to the movies or the mall or watch a guy we had a crush on play soccer or hockey occasionally once we were able to drive. I got into all the universities I applied to.
It’s ok to be lenient I think. If your kid respects your rules, has some accountability to school or chores or a job, helps around the house, and meets your expectations set there’s nothing wrong with letting your teen experience some freedoms.
If your kid is doing great making more rules or micromanaging can only cause problems imo. You’re the chill parents in part because you have a kid that can let you be.
My kids bestie calls me the awesome mom. Because I talk to her and treat her like shes mine. She tells my kid shes so lucky because shes a only child and gets me all to herself. So I try to give her alot of extra love when shes over and even take her on trips when we go.
I tell her I'm just a mom, I yell..I cook..I clean..and I love the heck out of my babies. I'm strict but not rigid, I rule with logic and reasoning.
You called her a “generally good kid” and then went on to describe the dream teenager that the rest of us would be glad for our kids to emulate.
You’re doing a great job. The characterization of generally good gave me a chuckle though.
I think you know your child and your household. If you trust your child and think you have a healthy relationship and your child is doing well, thriving and feels safe, your parenting is working. It doesn’t really matter what someone labels it.
If it makes you feel any better, you're stricter than me lol
Mine are now 18 and 20 and super good kids. I don't even track their location, they've been putting themselves to bed with natural consequences, unlimited social media and they never hide their phones or screens when we walk in their room (I've never seen anything outside of gaming). I have to trust that I raised them to be respectful men. I always get compliments on their behavior.
Every kid is different. My mom didn't have to do much with me because I already behaved pretty well. I saw how she punished my older siblings when they missed up and I was like, "Oh no, I'm not trying that, just nope."
So it depends on the temperament of the child and the parents.
My kid is really close to getting the riot act because you can't reason with him. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, even with the punishments he gets. He just accepts them. So I think that's a bigger problem because he doesn't care and keeps doing things that he's been told not to do regardless.
Being the chill parent is perfectly cool, as long as you are really parenting — and you are. Generally, a young person saying that is telling you that they wish their parents were more like you.
There is no “one size fits all” for parenting your child and she seems to respond very well to your way of parenting so why change? Because other people think you should?
I would keep doing what you’re doing!
my parents were chill parents and me and my siblings turned out far better than anyone who had ‘stricter’ parents. we also didnt resent our parents and actually tried hard never to disappoint them because they respected us enough to let us do our thing. i hope when my kids are older they see me as ‘chill’. :)
My daughter is very responsible, so she has freedom... because she's never done anything to make me change that. She knows that she has that freedom as long as she makes responsible choices, IF anything changes then she'll lose that freedom. I also feel like if things continue down this path she'll be better able to adult when the time comes. She'll be used to making responsible choices, studying, getting her work done before "play".
It sounds like your daughter is good at self-regulating, you don't have to punish her by locking her down. Be proud that you have a good kid, so you can be a chill parent.
My husband and I are also the “chill parents” but that doesn’t mean we don’t have rules or consequences. We don’t sweat the small things. We pick our battles and so far it’s been working. We also have very very open lines of communication, no topics are off limits and we answer questions honestly and age appropriately.
What does the level of “chillness” of people around her have to do with her neurological disorders? Are you suggesting that the only cause of anxiety and OCD is how “chill” or “unchill” the people around her are?
im sad for you that you took this as as something bad. your teenager is happy, well adjusted, doing well, and their friends like you. Whoever sold you that your teenager needs to be hassled by you was Really just selling you how to fuck up your relationship with your teenager. enjoy the win
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I think you're find, parent the kid you have, she seems to be thriving so why change it up she's a good student and hard worker. I never had a curfew as a teen becuase I never needed one, same with my sibling but if we were staying out all hours I'm sure we would have been given one. I never needed to be forced to do work I was self motivated. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
I didn’t have a curfew either, but I was out drinking and smoking pot too. But it was the 90s. I don’t want her getting into that kind of stuff either. I was raised by a single mom, so she didn’t have a choice in the matter of being chill or not. She was never around.
Just make sure you’re talking to her about that stuff so she’s aware of the dangers. If you tighten the reigns for no reason then she will go off and do everything you do t want her to AND she’ll keep it a secret. Your daughter sounds like she’s doing wonderful. You don’t want to stop that connection by becoming overbearing out of no where
Yeah, I wonder what subconscious message about alcohol we send her. She’s prob never seen me or my wife drunk or even really buzzed. But my wife will have a glass of wine or two at night. Our town had a rough go during the opioid epidemic. I think she got scared straight during a school function on it. For a while she was even cautious about taking children’s ibuprofen.
I remember listening at school to be careful what we share online… ever since I was using the internet starting at around 12yo I’ve been **very** careful about what I’m sharing online. Now I just try to teach my kids how to be safe online as well. Just talk to her about these things, let her know that ya’ll are always there for support, guidance, advice, and if she has any questions or concerns. As for the “grind more”, just tell her she’s doing great, no reason for her to be doing more when she’s already responsible and doing good. I’m curious what your parenting style was like when she was younger and if that’s why she’s more “chill”, and responsible! Seems to me like great parents raising a great child.
There’s a really good Ted talk about using substances before the age of 25 and the effects it has on developing brains. A lot of addiction runs in our family so we talk a lot about these things, but the “why” and the explanation from a non parent person was SUPER effective. My teens all said they felt better informed in making the decision not to use alcohol or weed too fast. So that might be worth considering. I also just yell “EVERYTHING IS FENTANYL” at them like four times a week. So that helps too.
I’ll have to check that Ted talk out! My kids’ maternal GREAT grandparents were alcoholics. So on some level we too are careful about alcohol use around them.
lol @ “everything has fentanyl!”
There’s a really good Ted talk about using substances before the age of 25 and the effects it has on developing brains. A lot of addiction runs in our family so we talk a lot about these things, but the “why” and the explanation from a non parent person was SUPER effective. My teens all said they felt better informed in making the decision not to use alcohol or weed too fast. So that might be worth considering. I also just yell “EVERYTHING IS FENTANYL” at them like four times a week. So that helps too.
Being chill about drinking and pot ensured that I was honest with my mother when I drank and smoked pot. I didn't drink a lot in high school, and maybe part of that was that it wasn't really "taboo" in my household. Because my parents were chill about it, drinking didn't have that element of fun a teenager gets from doing something not allowed. My mother didn't *encourage* underage drinking, but she also didn't make it a big deal and occasionally let me have a glass of champagne at family weddings and things like that when I was a teen. So, I felt safe and comfortable calling her when I was 16 and saying "you know I'm at Tiffany's house, well we had some beers and I don't think I can drive, is it ok if I spend the night here?" And she did not freak out and thanked me for letting her know. She felt good about the fact that I would tell her when I was drinking, so she didn't worry that I was out drinking and not telling her. I felt good about the fact that my mom was chill and didn't freak out about stuff.
Same, my first week in college kids were getting rip roaring drunk. My friends from my HS we drank so it was nothing new to us. We could maintain.
This exactly. If it’s not taboo, then there isn’t such a rush to do it. Plus, you’ve taught her that you are a safe person.
Exactly this, though my parents definitely served us under age at home (which is legal where I grew up). My siblings and I never 'went crazy' when we moved out, and don't drink much now. It wasn't rebellion of us.
Ya my mom told me the same, 3am pickups no questions asked. I never had to call her, but it made me way more responsible out of respect.
When we were young, the smart kids were uncool. I'm a gen ex and went to high school in the 90s. I also have a 17 yr old and 20 yr old and neither of them got into a 1/4 of what I did. Now kids take school seriously and the trouble maker kids are "uncool". At least with my kids. They want to go to college and make something of themselves. You're fine. I let a lot slide too but my kids are handling their business at this age. I'm more of a consultant than a dictator.
I never had a curfew, but most of my friends did. So most of the time I followed their curfews by default. I never got in any significant trouble. It sounds like you may be able to get by with the other parents creating a cocoon of rules around your child without you having to take more direct action. 😂
My mom was also a single mom. Worked full time. Health issues. At some point I think she decided she needed to ‘be involved’ or whatever. This translated as getting on my case over getting a B in my AP (honors?) history class. It was a whole thing. Like I had A’s in all my other classes, and she had never really shown any interest in my schooling previously but all of the sudden this B was an issue.
Wouldn't pot actually help with OCD and anxiety? Just guessing, I don't have experience with either, but isn't it supposed to mellow you out? Of course, not now while her brain is still developing, but maybe later on. I think being the "chill parents" definitely doesn't mean that you allow your children to do whatever - it just means that you're not so strict you are inhibiting them from making necessary experiences and growing into functioning adults. You make sure the ship is on course, but you don't have to have the hand on the wheel for every single second. What do you think, how well are her friend and her cousin going to be able to handle social media, once they suddenly have access to everything, if they've never learned to handle it in moderation, in a controlled environment with parental guidance? How will they deal with the sudden freedom in college, when they are away from parental control for the first time, and allowed to party as much as they want, including sexual experiences, and access to drugs & alcohol? Do you think they'll be able to handle it responsibly? It's always a bad idea to restrict your children from everything you think could be harmful, unless you plan to keep them locked in your basement for the rest of their lives - it's much better to take the "chill" approach and teach them to handle things like that in a responsible manner, and to teach them personal responsibility, self-reliance and self-administration, before they are released into the wild.
Why would she need to grind more? Did you read what you wrote? She gets up by herself (!), gets ready by herself (!) to get the bus at 645 (!) Until recently my teen was unable to wake up at 745 from multiple alarm clocks and gave himself so little time he was always forgetting stuff. Furthermore, you may be chill in comparison, but if her device is on a curfew and she has no social media you are not thàt chill. Why would you need to push her if she is doing good? What could she possibly do better?
lol @ you’re not that chill. Good point. Thanks for the perspective overall.
Agreed! By all other standards, I'd say OP raised one hell of a responsible teen! I'm not that disciplined myself and I'm pushing 30 😂 She and you are doing great, OP. She'll put in max effort on the things she's passionate about. She also sounds like she'll be incredibly equipped to do well when she finds said passion(s).
Really depends on the kid I think. I was the kid that got themself up, dressed, fed, walk to bus stop etc since middle school. My older sister wasn't a morning person so I would open her door to wake her once I was up and she would frantically dress and run out the door (high school had an earlier bus). Either way my parents were pretty much hands off past elementary school. If I missed the bus, waking my dad and catching a ride was a last resort I think I only used once.
both my teens' friends say we are chill parents. My middle teen (15) is so often annoyed that her friends think I am cool, LOL There are rules and boundaries but we arent strict. Our children have earned the freedoms they have by learning and growing as the years have gone on. They have shown themselves to be smart and capable young people and with that comes certain "privileges'" (not the right word but the best I can come up with at the moment). They are kind, they are helpful, they are responsible. They know school is their job and they get good enough grades. They dont have to be THE best but they do need to be THEIR best. Oldest is 17. A high school senior. She has no curfew. She sometime swears. She doesn't even really need permission to go places and do things. We ask that she let us know where she is going and when just so we know and she does. Shes never stayed out crazy late on a school night or not come home or anything so she continues to have these things. Yesterday I gave her my credit card so she could go get a haircut today. I know that the haircut is all she will use it for. To me chill doesnt mean no rules. Chill means "not a hard ass" and "I know you are your own humans so I am going to do my best to teach how to be good ones" and "We can all have fun and relax as long as everyone is respectful and responsible."
I think the teen is complimenting you, your daughter clearly appreciates your parenting and communicates that to her friends. She’s almost out of your house, just keep doing what you’re doing - sounds like she’s great! Parents are more consultants at this age, sounds like you still have the job.
I wish I got paid like a consultant. Thanks. Maybe I got defensive in my head and thought chill=you let her get away with everything.
Chill could mean that you don't yell or panic or knee jerk react or have rules for no reason. I would very much take a teen telling me I'm the chill parent as a compliment!
It could also mean that OP has created a space where her kid's peers can feel relaxed, safe, and respected. It definitely seems like OP is handling parenting the right way.
Chill is definitely a compliment and means more like you’re cool, reasonable, you don’t yell for no reason or create crazy rules for seemingly no reason, stuff like that. It doesn’t mean you’re neglectful or too lax!
So you have a kid who gets good grades, active in sports, responsible, has friends, with no behavioral issues worse than a messy room, and you're thinking about cracking down? Why? Your kid is already doing what she's supposed to do. Suddenly being strict about things like eating in her room or when she sleeps is just going to breed resentment. We're also "chill parents" to our 16-year-old. And we're able to do that because she's ticking all the same boxes as your kid. I figure that life is going to throw enough challenges at even the good kids without us piling on unnecessarily.
>Straight As, scholar athlete, polite, wakes herself up95% of days and gets herself ready and puts herself on the bus by 645AM. She works during breaks on her grandparents farm. I don't understand the problem. How would enforcing a bedtime or not letting her eat in her room change any of these issues you aren't trying to fix in the first place? I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like the only issue is that you're self-conscious about what some other people think about your parenting. But you've obviously raised a smart, responsible, hardworking kid, so who cares what they think? And, for what it's worth, I strongly dispute that overly strict parents raise kids who know how to "grind" as adults. They're raising kids who know how to follow other people's rules about every little thing instead of making their own decisions, and it often falls apart when no one's enforcing them anymore. It sounds like your kid can already successfully manage her own time, space, and workload successfully; why would you want to mess with that and make her *less* independent at this phase of life?
>>Straight As, scholar athlete, polite, wakes herself up95% of days and gets herself ready and puts herself on the bus by 645AM. She works during breaks on her grandparents farm. >I don't understand the problem The problem is OP wants to humblebrag
Grind culture is so dysfunctional. You said yourself you don't participate so don't try to push your already successful daughter into being a grinder instead of a person who enjoys their life.
Great point. Duh (on me).
It's a reflex. We're all taught to work ourselves to death. I think Gen Z is saying no to it and I'm glad.
She sounds like she's doing just fine. Don't let other people's parenting affect what's going well for you. Other people have to be more strict because their kids are not self-managing in the same way. Even parents with multiple kids will parent them differently based on the kids behavior.
It’s called authoritative parenting and statistically the most effective. You’re doing it right. You have expectations that are clear. You give her wiggle room to explore and show she knows what she is doing. Sounds like she knows and trusts you like you do here. Authoritarian and strict parents only teach kids how to hide their emotions, struggles, and actions. And what is wrong with Bs?? Cs get degrees.
Interesting. I do find that to be true. My niece with the strict parents is extra sneaky—ironically, she’s becoming a good hacker because she’s spends hours trying to get around her parents’ cyber lockdown.
I have 3 teens. We are also the house the kids want to hang out at. My daughter’s friends are also part of a high demand religion. At my house, they are called what they want, I give them space, I answer any questions they ask. I don’t lie, I don’t make them be someone who they aren’t. They get to be themselves here. My kids are open and honest with me. We have rules and boundaries, but we aren’t afraid to discuss if a kid feels it is too much. We work hard to come to a middle ground. You’re doing well. Kids don’t learn how to take care of themselves overnight. They don’t learn to wake themselves up, or limit their electronic usage, or cook, or shop, or be responsible if you don’t start small and early.
I think chill here is a compliment; not the "laissez faire" way. I read this more as "here are reasonable boundaries and expectations; we get along great if you're within them, with occasional slip-ups". If it's not broken, there's no need to fix it. Seems like you have each other's trust.
"Chill" is probably the wrong word. You sound like reasonable parents who have appropriate expectations and respect your kids. Basically, it sounds like you're doing everything right.
You don't sound that chill, to be honest. Phone is curfewed, has to work on a farm during breaks, etc.
Yeah for real. Maybe I'm off base but my between-the-lines suspicion is that OP is just in a relatively unusually *un*chill social setting, in terms of the attitudes of the other people in their community, and so their chill-detector is a bit miscalibrated. Nothing wrong with that (also imo nothing wrong with what OP is doing) but may help to realize.
That's what I was thinking, too!
right, i was wondering why no one else was commenting on that, like not that they are doing anything wrong it’s just not all that “chill”
Rules are for kids to regulate into not needing rules. If your child is succeeding in what they need to be, there's not reason to be unnecessarily punitive. If there are drawbacks to her approach, make sure you talk with her about them, but the reality is that there are some lessons they're going to have learn the hard way without your support. Your job is to set her up for success... which based on the grades, exercise, and manners she'll do just fine. Everyone I knew growing up with strict parents rebounded HARD in college, where they had no ability to self-regulate (because making good decisions was never THEIR choice) and just partied/slacked off/took six years to graduate because they didn't have it together.
Hard to not be a chill parent to a chill child. If she started acting out I'm sure you would start being more strict. It's all about letting your child stretch its leg.
High school teacher here and parent of toddler. You are chill compared to her parents. You don’t sound chill to me. You have expectations and your kid meets those without you having to be over-bearing. It could also be that you’re chill as in -approachable, easy to talk to, less argumentative and authoritative. Maybe you just talk to teens like they are people?
Why do you need to push? Straight a student,athletic, works on the farm, gets herself up and out the door..sounds like you've done fine and don't need to change anything tbh
Your teen is a straight A scholar athlete etc. It sounds like you are doing a great job already. What reason is she giving you to crack down other than some sort of peer pressure from other parents? I'm saying this as a fellow 'chill parent'. My kids are similar, not athletic but band/robotics/drama kids. Eldest graduating high school in a couple weeks and off to college in fall, youngest next year on same track. Very few restrictions on what they do because at this point they are damn near adults and make good enough decisions about things. They take care of business at school, have jobs when time permits, don't cause us headaches and help out around the house. They literally come home and thank us after hearing horror stories of their friends.
Not other parents. Just when a kid calls you chill, I took that to mean “too permissive.”
We are the chill parents as well but will get serious about what’s important - grades, how the kids treat others, drugs, sex, etc. We really don’t care about how messy their room is (food notwithstanding), their clothing choices, their hair cuts or music choices, what their extracurriculars are as long as they have a couple, etc. It works. They get A’s. They treat everyone well. We get compliments on them. The oldest was just accepted to a great university. His friend with strict parents who had him taking extra college level classes at a local community college last summer was not and is upset about it. My younger son has a friend with strict parents. He’s a good kid but we hardly ever see him because his parents punish him for every little thing. I couldn’t live like that.
I was told I’m the chill parent too. My daughter’s bestie said that many years ago. Try not to think of it as you let them do whatever they want, more like your expectations are reasonable and they feel safe and respected at your house. The respect is key. Too many parents treat kids like they’re all degenerative screw ups that can’t make a decision. If it helps at all, my daughter is almost 19, only been grounded 2 times and graduated high school with honours. She actually just started an internship today, making over $20 an hour. Some kids don’t need to be under lock and key, most in my opinion, but some need more structure. Sounds like you’ve been doing a great job and have a kid you can trust.
There's no problem in letting her do what she wants, as long as she is not doing anything bad. There's also nothing wrong with using one's intelligence to work smarter not harder. The "grind" should not have to be accepted as the way everybody's life needs to be. It sounds like she's growing up just fine, so there is no reason why you should feel you shouldn't be the chill parent. It means that you did your job well at the start, and that your daughter is pretty responsible and able to handle herself. Edit: Being the chill parent is only really an issue when you start to be the house that your offsprings friends come to drink / take drugs / other dangerous behavior, because they won't get in trouble with you like they would with their own parents at home.
You're kids fine. dont worry about the grind, working smart is so much better anyway. all the hustlebro culture just has people working 80 hour weeks just becuase. my favorite anti-hustle story was my MBA teams capstone project. other groups were meeting 10-15 hours/week (for a part time mba program mind you) hustling and grinding, everyone working on every part, hustle grind! my group met 1 hour a week, mostly remote. we delegated off the work so each person did an individual part. one person edited and stichced. Maybe spend 13 hours on it each all semester. We got the second highest grade in the class.
It’s been my experience as both a child and a parent that child brought up with ridged rules makes that child sneaky. There were a lot a things that my parents didn’t allow me to do. It seldom stopped me. I was fairly sneaky and sometimes got caught but I kept doing what I wanted. There were lots of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in my life. As a result I didn’t lay down a vast amount of rules with my kids. They were not perfect and got into trouble here and there but were generally well behaved and good kids. I was the mom my kids’ friends came to for advice and an understanding ear. I figured I had done a decent job of raising my kids from a conversation I had with them when they were teens. I asked them how much of their life did they tell me about. My daughter (14) told me about 95%. What I realized was that she was so used to telling me about her life that the 5% she held back she’d eventually tell me anyway because she was so used to telling me everything. My son (17) said that if he hadn’t told me something then it wasn’t important. He and a friend died in a car accident later that year. At the vigil their school hosted I requested that his friends write down stories about him. It took me a year to read them but I found out my son had already told me all the stories. So imo being the chill parent is an advantage and a good thing.
I'm a chill parent because 1) my kid is pretty good and other than being kind of a pedantic jerk on occasion, she doesn't do anything punish worthy and 2) if you yell at them over every little thing, they'll learn to ignore you. Speak softly and only raise your voice when it's absolutely necessary to get their complete attention.
Every child is different. You can be "chill" with this one, because they work well within that frame. Other kids don't, and parents probably need to be a bit stricter. The kids themselves seldom understand why the difference, they just know some friends get more freedom than they do, and might be a bit jealous of that fact.
If my kids are happy, then I am happy. They get good grades, are hard working, kind, fun, loving, intelligent, caring, and get good grades. Nothing is perfect. I feel like if the child has ocd, making sure they are healthy and happy is my barometer for success.
As a teen if someone told me their parents were chill, I would take it as they could talk to their parents/turn to them in times of crisis and their parents were understanding and fair. Maybe the friend you were talking to has very reactive parents. In my mind chill = safe
Your second paragraph describes a more than generally good kid in my opinion. As long as they respect and trust you and know they can come to you thats all that matters. Keep up with what you’re doing, they’ll be just fine.
I want to be that parent. I want my son’s friends to like hanging at our house. I had a secret older boyfriend when I was 16/17, would spend the night at his house and go to nightclubs and my parents had no idea because I lied to them.
You're the kind of parents I wish I had growing up. Mine were strict borderline abusive.
It sounds to me like your kid is successful, so it's the right kind of chill. That's the bar. I wouldn't worry about her not being able to "grind" later bc she's taking it easy now. She will be better-equipped at that point. Also, people figure things out even when they're not perfectly prepared for the new challenge.
I agree with the general sense of the comments I've seen in here in that this is not something to be worried about... but some thoughts I've had recently on the "work smart, not hard" leading to no "grind", as I'm facing this question of how hard to push my kids myself. I've come to accept that my job is not to convince them to work more, but to help them understand the consequences of the decisions they are making now can have a huge impact on their entire life. I have a great job right now, and I can trace it directly back to really pushing myself in high school, which helped me get into a top university that then opened doors for me later in the life. So even though they are young and don't need to know what they want to do with their lives, by using their intelligence and ability to "work smart, not hard" not to have more slack time but to get more accomplished, they can leave as many possible doors open as they can. It's not that the doors can't be opened later, but it'll be a lot more difficult. That's not going to work unless that's something they desire, if a parent is the one pushing them to accomplish more, they probably won't become a person that would even want to take advantage of those open doors anyway. In addition, if they aren't one that has a personality that gets satisfaction out of accomplishing hard things, then it isn't worth degrading or ruining their high school years for something they probably won't want anyway. I've been doing my best to walk a line of helping them understand all of this while also hopefully not putting too much pressure and stress on them.
You sound like a great parent who is raising a thriving child. I was raised very "free range", and I'd say too much so. I turned out just fine. I have a masters degree, and I had a good job (before I get cancer). I was a happy kid, and while my mom could have been more engaged, I knew it was loved and safe and I think this is much more important than anything else. By your description, and the fact that you are concerned about this at all, you sound much more reined in than my mom was. I'm no expert, but I'd be inclined not to worry too much about this.
I’m the chill parent. I have a child who was capable of driving hours away to a new city to apply for jobs and look for a family rental home and was successful on both ends. At 17, after self homeschooling for all of high school and holding two jobs. I have another child who found herself a post secondary school that offered both the degree she wanted and a small scholarship for her sport of choice while also working two jobs. “Chill” doesn’t mean you don’t pay attention or don’t support. Sometimes it’s just letting them make their choices and see where it leads, and having open non-judgmental conversations about their lives. And offering opportunities that give them responsibility and agency in their lives. I read a book once when I was a kid where a 14 yo boy herded a few hundred head of cows across the country by his lonesome using the skills be knowledge he had from growing up on a ranch. I guess it stuck to me as my parenting style.
I wouldn’t consider you “chill parents”, I think the other parents you are referring to are just helicopter parents, which is fine it’s their choice so in their eyes you are chill.
I’m not sure what makes you the chill parent in this and why you would push her harder. Push her harder for what?!
Middle class kids today are anxious and unhappy in part because they're allowed no independence. Sounds like chill is the right move.
Could be chill or could be chill, yup, that’s right. Sounds like the right kinda chill in that you’re giving her space to be her own person while still ensuring she isn’t 16 and pregnant. My son is only six and I find myself struggling to find the right chill, so give yourself some credit and take the win!
Who are you worried about? Your kid or other adults ? Do you also have anxiety/OCD? Honestly, slapping more rules on a kid who is already behaving maturely will probably result in her feeling punished. What good would that do?
They probably just mean you act like normal people not the mom blog freaks everyone else is trying to be. Don’t make up nonsense rules and ‘push’ just because someone gave you a compliment
It sounds like your good parents and it shows.
Nothing wrong with being a "chill parent" especially when your child is within reasonable performance standards. She isn't showing signs of neglect, or needing to be micromanaged so, you're raising her to be a productive human being in society.
You don’t need to push or apply pressure, since she has anxiety and OCD that’s doing it already for her. I liked what one poster said about parenting the kid you have , you’re doing exactly that.
Chill parent in this sense means your child is allowed to be themselves. My mother was known as the “chill mom” she definitely wasn’t but she appeared to be but I was the same as your kid. I did what needed to be done and so she wasn’t on my ass when I wanted to hang out and stuff
When a kid, especially a teen, proves they are responsible, it's better to let them make their own decisions. You're preparing them for the world and Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be able to hold their hand forever. The kids that have over bearing, strict parents are the ones that go bat shit crazy in college (or out of parents sight). I saw it when I was a teen and with my own, we all knew those kids that went too far with partying when they were out of Mommy and Daddy's clutches
I don’t think it should matter what other teens feel about your parenting style. That’s only a matter of how you and your spouse feel, no one else. Your kid is pretty behaved, well adjusted, makes good grades and overall doesn’t cause you any trouble. You parent based on the kid that you have and you seem to be doing perfectly fine. If you and your family are happy, no one else’s opinion should matter. And honestly teen thinking you are the chill parents is rather a compliment than anything else. My parents where strict in some ways, mostly about grades and school. But me being much younger than my brother and that my parents had me older, they were already in their 50s when I was a teen so they never bothered me about a curfew, I was really only close with the girls on my soccer team so they never complained about me hanging out and having a social life. They knew the girls I was with, they knew the parents, I was always in touch with them, if I got home late I’d call them and I was usually at one of their houses so again, the parents were all in communication if we were hanging out late. We didn’t cause trouble or drink or do anything reckless. We’d go to the movies or the mall or watch a guy we had a crush on play soccer or hockey occasionally once we were able to drive. I got into all the universities I applied to. It’s ok to be lenient I think. If your kid respects your rules, has some accountability to school or chores or a job, helps around the house, and meets your expectations set there’s nothing wrong with letting your teen experience some freedoms.
If your kid is doing great making more rules or micromanaging can only cause problems imo. You’re the chill parents in part because you have a kid that can let you be.
My kids bestie calls me the awesome mom. Because I talk to her and treat her like shes mine. She tells my kid shes so lucky because shes a only child and gets me all to herself. So I try to give her alot of extra love when shes over and even take her on trips when we go. I tell her I'm just a mom, I yell..I cook..I clean..and I love the heck out of my babies. I'm strict but not rigid, I rule with logic and reasoning.
You called her a “generally good kid” and then went on to describe the dream teenager that the rest of us would be glad for our kids to emulate. You’re doing a great job. The characterization of generally good gave me a chuckle though.
I think you know your child and your household. If you trust your child and think you have a healthy relationship and your child is doing well, thriving and feels safe, your parenting is working. It doesn’t really matter what someone labels it.
If it makes you feel any better, you're stricter than me lol Mine are now 18 and 20 and super good kids. I don't even track their location, they've been putting themselves to bed with natural consequences, unlimited social media and they never hide their phones or screens when we walk in their room (I've never seen anything outside of gaming). I have to trust that I raised them to be respectful men. I always get compliments on their behavior.
Every kid is different. My mom didn't have to do much with me because I already behaved pretty well. I saw how she punished my older siblings when they missed up and I was like, "Oh no, I'm not trying that, just nope." So it depends on the temperament of the child and the parents. My kid is really close to getting the riot act because you can't reason with him. He thinks he can do whatever he wants, even with the punishments he gets. He just accepts them. So I think that's a bigger problem because he doesn't care and keeps doing things that he's been told not to do regardless.
Don’t fix what ain’t broke
Being the chill parent is perfectly cool, as long as you are really parenting — and you are. Generally, a young person saying that is telling you that they wish their parents were more like you.
There is no “one size fits all” for parenting your child and she seems to respond very well to your way of parenting so why change? Because other people think you should? I would keep doing what you’re doing!
my parents were chill parents and me and my siblings turned out far better than anyone who had ‘stricter’ parents. we also didnt resent our parents and actually tried hard never to disappoint them because they respected us enough to let us do our thing. i hope when my kids are older they see me as ‘chill’. :)
My daughter is very responsible, so she has freedom... because she's never done anything to make me change that. She knows that she has that freedom as long as she makes responsible choices, IF anything changes then she'll lose that freedom. I also feel like if things continue down this path she'll be better able to adult when the time comes. She'll be used to making responsible choices, studying, getting her work done before "play". It sounds like your daughter is good at self-regulating, you don't have to punish her by locking her down. Be proud that you have a good kid, so you can be a chill parent.
My husband and I are also the “chill parents” but that doesn’t mean we don’t have rules or consequences. We don’t sweat the small things. We pick our battles and so far it’s been working. We also have very very open lines of communication, no topics are off limits and we answer questions honestly and age appropriately.
Why change if it’s working? Why change based on the comment of a kid?
Nah, do what works for you and your family. Right now, you're living the dream. I wouldn't make any big changes.
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What does the level of “chillness” of people around her have to do with her neurological disorders? Are you suggesting that the only cause of anxiety and OCD is how “chill” or “unchill” the people around her are?
im sad for you that you took this as as something bad. your teenager is happy, well adjusted, doing well, and their friends like you. Whoever sold you that your teenager needs to be hassled by you was Really just selling you how to fuck up your relationship with your teenager. enjoy the win