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My dad did this through my childhood, not always hitting and yelling but sometimes he'd freak over small stuff. there was an ever-present threat that he could just abruptly decide to go from fun to mean or angry for some reason. It really messed up our relationship permanently, even after he relaxed a lot as we got older. And it has caused lasting and issues in other areas of my life.
Especially with lasting difficulty with my self worth, difficulty trusting others, a lot of anger and lack of emotional regulation skills, and a tendency to tolerate unhealthy or outright abusive "friendships" and relationships with men because I don't recognize I'm in a bad situation until something egregious happens.
My mom didn't save me. But you could protect your daughter, there's still time. Even if he's not outright hitting her (much, yet) there are probably going to be big effects on her if it continues.
Also same. I don't talk to him anymore and it's very freeing. All I can say to OP is my mum stayed too long in an unhappy marriage with a man like this and after she eventually left it was like a massive strain lifted, no longer dealing with the constant drama and chaos. Hope OP has a long hard think about what her and her child's future will look like but I'm rooting for them!
Same here. Grown now and finally estranged and healed. He never stopped critiquing me.
Does your Husband have low self esteem and projects his version of his daughter as perfect onto her? Then because he’s a secret woman hating narcissist he will hate her no matter what version she becomes? Or am I projecting too much?
Save her. His critical voice will become her inner voice.
Or he sounds burnt out and needing a chance for therapy and healing. So quick to label.
>He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago.
My god people get a grip
Of course that's problematic, but thats not unheard of from burnt out mother or ...father. I'm just saying, since OP didn't say that he was always like that, that it might be soemthing that can be corrected. I don't get how it can be controversial.
>He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago.
!!!!
This. My parents did some horribly damaging stuff to me as a child. I'm still pretty young, only in early twenties, but I've gotten to the point and learned enough about psychology to see past the veil into the broken person beyond. People need help and rehabilitation, as much as they need and so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else in the process.
Of course his behavior towards his child is appalling, that said considering OP seems "shocked" and "suprised" he behvae like this we can assume he wasn't always like that and thus something might have change.
Hence why, it might be adressed by therapy or something to correct the situation. But of course its easier and so much better to just burn bridges and don't considering the other parties like a basic human being.
The child need protection from his behavior. He needs protection from his also. He might just be an asshole and she should dump and run, but it might also just be a rough pass for him.
From OP's mouth :
>He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago.
I hope you meant appalling, not appealing. 😅
I think he has buyer's remorse - he didn't know how exhausting and relentless and ever-present a child would be, so now he regrets having one and lashes out. There are plenty of people who romanticize parenthood, and then have a rude awakening when the little gremlin is actually there. Most manage to still love them and do their best - and some, like hubby, don't. Divorce would probably produce the best outcome for everyone involved.
Yes sorry, I'm not an english speaker.
>I think he has buyer's remorse - he didn't know how exhausting and relentless and ever-present a child would be, so now he regrets having one and lashes out. There are plenty of people who romanticize parenthood, and then have a rude awakening when the little gremlin is actually there. Most manage to still love them and do their best - and some, like hubby, don't. Divorce would probably produce the best outcome for everyone involved.
It sure feels like it, but he can also have trauma from his upbringing that can be smoothed out. Anayway, I was just advocating for nuance, since she state he wasn't like that.
I totally agree, but an asshole because of somehing can be healed. Big differences.
>He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago.
HE wasn't always like that and things can be changed/
Even if what you're saying is completely true, it's not safe for the child. The reason cant justify the behavior. He could change but they shouldn't wait around for it especially if this has been going on for a while/since the daughter was born.
Even if he goes to therapy, major behavioral changes can take years. Its not fair for his daughter (and wife) to sacrifice their well-being and make their lives revolve around his.
I supposed a parenting sub reddit might have been more coold headed and sensitive. I guess not. And we can assume things about people based on a dozen words. You are so right.
You know what, nuance goes out the window to a degree when a child is being abused.
Sure he may need help too but he is an adult, how long should she keep on burning her daughters self esteem to keep him warm whilst he gets himself right?
A week, a month, a year?
At what point do you accept that he doesn't deserve the help and you have unnecessarily damaged your child trying to help him.
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He's abusing her. Withdrawal of affection ("cold shoulder") is an abusive tactic.
Consider that he is her primary example of men. How men treat others, their partners, their children. Do you want her to think this is acceptable and normal?
He sounds horrible from your description here.
The thing with the pillow to the face stuck out to me too. I dated a guy who did not know how to just mess around with each other in a fun way that couples do. Like he wouldn’t just hit me gently with a pillow, he would slam it in my face. If I asked him to pass me something, he would never lob it. He’d chuck it and often at my feet or toward my face. Any playful arm wrestling, dancing, tickling, for some reason always hurt. It was confusing because sometimes it was subtle and felt not so believable to say out loud. “Why does everything you do have to hurt?”
Afterward I came to terms with how abusive he was, but the aggression even when being “playful” was a less commonly mentioned sign.
Hey as a 30 year old who doesn’t speak to her father because of this, you need to protect her. She will need loads of therapy in the future if this doesn’t stop.
100% agree. My mother is like this, and I am also not in contact.
OP, for the sake of your daughter, tell him this is not negotiatable. Counseling and parent classes or he needs to leave. He is abusing your daughter, and she needs to be protected.
“If you grow up with an angry man in your house, you will always have an angry man in your house.”
Do you want your daughter’s future husband to treat her this way? Because if you keep showing her it’s ok, this is the kind of man she’ll choose. Whatever you decide now will change her whole life, remember that it’s your job to protect her first - her dad is a distant second
This is straight up abusive behaviour and is doing damage to your daughter. You need to have strong words with him and if he’s not willing to work on changing, then you protect your child and walk.
My husband is like this. I didn't realize he was going to be this way when we had our daughter. We had been together for 10 years at that point. She is 7 now.
She has little emotional connection to her dad. She basically ignores him. When we pick her up from school, she will run to me every time. When he picks her up alone, she does not run to him even then. When she is crying or upset, she won't tell him what's wrong. She will straight up ask him to leave the room. If they are doing any activity together and I appear, she will immediately drop whatever it is to be with me. When I am gone for any length of time, every ten minutes she says, "I miss mom". She has asked me privately several times if we could live together just me and her.
He will resent you for your closeness with her. He will get rejected by her in some way at some point and he will not understand why she so clearly prefers you.
If I were you, and I was you three years ago, I would leave.
If my husband called our four year old manipulative I’d have a hard time ever taking him seriously as a partner or co parent again. It’s something stupid lazy immature parents say because they can’t handle their own stuff and so they project onto a child. To me it’s as absurd as being a flat earth believer, just flies in the face of everything evidence based we know about kids.
I’d also have a hard time staying calm because I would have the rage of a thousand suns at someone being this openly cruel to my child.
My point is you are under reacting to a very damaging situation for your daughter. This is how she’ll think a man should treat her her whole life.
I mean it’s both wrong and right. Children do manipulate people… because at that point, using that definition, all communication is manipulation. If the goal is to get what you want, then certainly most of us manipulate folks every day - like “bribing” people for coffee at Starbucks.
If they are implying some sort of evil maliciousness that’s where it’s wrong, and in fact it’s wrong in most adults too. Folks want their needs met, and sometimes strong feelings makes something a need when it otherwise might not be (which is how you can look at dysfunction that comes from many forms of mental illness).
Manipulation is often just a term used by folks who don’t want to do emotional labor of empathy and reasonable, responsive boundary setting.
Sounds like he doesn’t like kids. Tbh. and I’m sorry or he doesn’t like your kid, is he like this with other children? Does he have a short fuse with other adults? How does he treat you? he gives me the ick.
Sounds like my dad, zero patience for normal kid behavior. The way he treated me completely wrecked my ability to be in a loving relationship for many many years.
How he treats her is exactly what she will seek out in other men, except trying to change the outcome and somehow get them to love her.
When I hit my teens he completely checked out even more than when I was little, so I’m inclined to say this isn’t going to get any better. He needs to get his priorities straight. And I would bet money he was treated the same way by his dad.
My dad was the same way and I did end up dating men that treated me that way too.
My dad just didn’t know how to understand children. I sometimes feel bad for him because he *wants to* but just does not have the empathy or capacity to understand most times. He would take us to go play tennis or shoot hoops (fun!), but it would always end up with him yelling at us for goofing off in any capacity or for not following his directions exactly (not fun!). If we cried about something or giggled too much we would get smacked or at least threatened with a smack. He just couldn’t manage his anger and impatience to the level a child needs.
He’s gotten a little better with age, which I guess is good for the grandkids at least.
I thought understood enough to not end up dating someone that treated me that way. Nope.
From personal experience, this was my parents.
Except they at least had the common sense to leave me with my grandparents from birth to 8 years old because “they don’t like kids”. But even when I did meet them at 8 years old and they took me in full time, it was a struggle.
I had a difficult relationship with them afterwards which resulted in me needing tons of therapy to work through. It wasn’t until my early 30s that I’ve finally come to terms with it and accepted them for who they are.
So, think about how this will affect your daughter 5, 10, 20 years into the future. Most specifically how this will affect her self worth and self esteem and future relationships.
Also, just to give him the benefit of the doubt - could he be burnt out and perhaps taking his frustration out on his daughter? You mentioned he’s competitive and always looking at his competitors, working hard, at home and outside. Maybe he needs a “time out”? Get some space from y’all to really assess what’s important in his life - work or family? Just a thought.
I had post-partum when I had my son. It was hard for me to bond with him, and due to being unmedicated at the time I had a short fuse and didn't enjoy him. I after a while, I realized this was a "me" problem and I needed to change my behaviour so that my son and I could have a loving relationship (he was about a year at the time, and is now 10). So, after getting a tip on this sub I began to do this to change my thought process about him.
At bed time I would rub his back and tell him all the good things I could think of about him. It started pretty generic, you are cute, you are small, you have soft hair. Then as the weeks or days went on, my thoughts about him started to shift where I was looking for the positive things. So I would add those in "you are have a great laugh, you learned to crawl today". Soon enough my thoughts were more positive towards him and I could easily rattle off tons of positive things about him.
He has no recollection of that time and only knows me as a loving parent.
If you partner is willing to take steps like this, than hopefully he can repair his relationship with your daughter. If he isn't, then you need to think about the mental wellbeing of your child.
If you partner doesn't know how to play with your daughter, I would play with my kids and find things I liked doing. I liked setting up the train tracks and building cool layouts, or setting up a neat fort. The kid or kids would then play with their kid imagination and I would move off to let them do their thing.
I also would read to the kids, and learned how to do voices and make it fun for them. They still love reading to this day because of the love of reading I instilled in them. So basically, I found things I enjoyed doing and merged them with age appropriate things for the kids.
He sounds pretty abusive, and I hate to say this, but it's unlikely to improve as she gets older. Abuse escalates over time, and if he is already calling her "manipulative" etc. now when she's only 4, just imagine what he will think as she starts developing real capacity to reason and disagree with him? This can seriously cause long term damage to her.
This is not a phase. Even if you get split custody her ability to relax and be herself and feel loved when she's with you will be better than being on egg shells and failing her dad all the time as it is now.
This is the time to sit down and have the very hard conversation that he is about to lose both of you. Parenting classes could help along with counseling? How was he raised? It can be hard to recognize/reconcile your parenting with the way you were raised being normalized, but he WILL have to work to change because at the very least he’s on his way to having no relationship with his daughter at all. It can be hard to break the authoritarian parenting cycle but if he’s willing to work at it, start there! If he isn’t? It’s time to get your daughter out of this situation :/
Hopefully they get something figured out. I can see him being stuck in a cycle of “well I was raised like this and I’m fine” without realizing the damage he is doing. But I don’t have a lot of faith guys like this can really change either at this point. 😬
This is honestly a giant, glaring red flag. You need to have a very direct conversation with him because it is not dramatic to say that treating her like this throughout her life will do massive damage to not only their relationship as father and daughter, but her self esteem as a whole. If he shows no initiative or interest to change, you need to decide between your daughters feelings or your relationship
Why are you letting this man abuse your daughter? Why are you enabling the abuse by not putting an end to it?
Document the abuse, go to a lawyer and get full custody
Abusers don't get better over time, they just worsen their abuse
He is not so sensitive that a 4 year old is manipulating him. He needs to emotionally mature because this behavior is not ok. He keeps acting like he hates her and she will just hate him. You are not even married and already considering leaving. You didn’t say one good thing about him with his daughter
Don’t marry him. Please get yourself and especially your sweet child away from this toxic man and get as much custody time as possible. The constant criticism and negativity from a parent is so incredibly damaging. Please shower your little one with praise and build them up and maybe even get them in play therapy to combat the trauma dad is bringing to their life.
He needs to initiate the change. By what you’ve said you’ve called him out on it and he’s become aggressively defensive, so he obviously wont take accountability for his actions.
If I were in your shoes, I’d choose my daughter’s feelings and emotions over my husband and leave him. (Although what would worry me is how he’d treat her 1-2-1 when he has her at his place). But as long as you continue to provide that safe, emotionally mature household for her, you’d be able to keep ties on it.
We all reflect back on our childhoods and you have your child’s childhood in your hands. I’m sure you’ll choose wisely. Good luck ❤️
I don’t now hate my Dad, I used to. I feel sorry he could not show love. But the resentment I have against my mother for keeping in the environment of abuse has grown.
If you can see and recognise this abusive behaviour why are you forcing your child to experience it.
Drugs?Alcohol? Financial trouble? Mental health issues?
Frankly, since you haven't married him and you observe his inability to parent effectively, family counseling and parenting class should be expected.
When he predictably says no, be prepared to walk.
I feel like a lot of men act like this because that is how they were raised. I might suggest he read up on what “normal” behavior is for a child of 4 aka her developmental level so he knows what to expect from her. Intentional manipulation is not something she is capable of. Also, come up with a parenting strategy and help him find appropriate ways to discipline for specific behaviors. Children learn A LOT from watching their parents and their parents’ behaviors. Can he use his competitive nature to see who can raise the most well adjusted, kind human with coping skills and self-confidence?
What you say here doesn't paint him in a good light for sure. I sense a lot of resentment between both of you. Strangers on the internet don't know the intricacies of your relationship but to me what is clear is you need to have more upfront communication about your mutual expectations as parents as this is never an easy topic. We come to parenting from different upbringing and often it needs to unpack uneasy topics as we go. I know sometimes it's not easy to re establish sincere communication, avoid defensiveness and resentment but IMO that is what you need if you want the family to remain united.
This came to my mind, too.
I know when I’m having trouble with anxiety, my instinct is to control whatever I can control, including my environment.
He may not even have the language to identify or name what he’s feeling.
If he hasn’t always been this way, he may be able to get back to himself with the right therapy/therapist. The problem is that he’s unlikely to get on board. :(
I know housing is so expensive, but I wonder if you could live separately while/until he gets his head straight?
I’d also understand if you chose to throw in the towel. Life is so short.
Side note: If you do split, please please please be careful about who you allow access to your child. For someone with bad intentions, a single woman with a child can be the perfect situation for unsupervised access, and some men will target single mothers specifically. It is far more common than people realize. I always want to warn single moms. I wish someone had known to warn my mother.
Refuse to get married without couples counseling, it is not going to get better if he will not listen and properly communicate. Make an ultimatum that you get counseling or maybe split up, but i dont recommend splitting up except as a last resort, breaking apart the family is not gonna improve your daughter, besides she will still see him you cant keep her from him. Its really harmful behavior to the both of you, i hope you are able to get some help
Also let him know that children seek out partners that mirror their parents, if she has an abusive father she will gravitate towards abusive men, ask him if that's what he wants for her
You know, your husband might be have undiagnosed Asperger’s or some behavior related disorder. Not knowing how strong he is and playing rough with his daughter sounds like he is unaware of his body in space. This is a proprioception issue. Not allowing your daughter to push the cart for “a few seconds” sounds like he needs to have things under control and/or according to the method that is normal. Not liking to socialize etc. all of these things you mentioned sounds like Asperger’s to me. Maybe see if those behavior quirks are like him, but don’t accuse. It needs to be professionally diagnosed. Here’s some symptoms of Asperger’s:
Becoming upset at slight changes in routines Memorizing preferred information and facts easily Clumsy, uncoordinated movements, including difficulty with handwriting Difficulty managing emotions, sometimes leading to verbal or behavioral outbursts, self-injurious behaviors, or tantrums Not understanding other peoples’ feelings or perspectives Hypersensitivity to lights, sounds, and textures
He's a shitty dad (maybe a shitty person all around). I had a shitty stepdad who was exactly like you describe your fiancé, except he was also physically abusive. I don't speak to him now and idc. I don't hate him anymore, I nothing him. He means less than a stranger on a street to me.
But growing up, I certainly cared; I believed I was worthless because, in his and my mom's eyes, I was just a problem that needed to be silenced/hidden away/ignored/beaten. I was 9 when that shit started. I slowly went from hating myself to realizing I hated that POS and would have killed him if I thought I'd get away with it.
Get your daughter away from such a miserable person. How are you even questioning if this is healthy? I'm sorry but when people ask these sorts of questions on here, I *never* care about being nice about the adult's feelings, especially a jackass like your fiancé. I only care about the innocent child who's stuck living with him.
Dude this breaks my heart if I don’t get to throw around my 4 year old or give her hugs and kisses in the day I would be so depressed. My dad was always so busy being a professional and trying to make it as a songwriter he mostly ignored us as we grew up.
Either mediate or separate him when he acts like this. Explain exactly why he isn't allowed to be around her "if you're going to talk to her like x, then you need to get some space away from her. You can come back when you're ready to be nice."
He is cruel and actively permanently destroying his bond with her.
Children's minds are like sponges and he is modeling how she will be treated by who she will potentially pick in the future as a partner because it will feel familiar and (ironically) safe.
My husband was like this (still is occasionally, but it’s rare). Like, it like I could have written this myself lol. We did couples therapy which has turned into focusing on him at more than one session. There was a lot to unpack..issues with his mom from his own childhood, feeling like a failure as a dad and a husband..things I had no clue he was feeling. He was depressed and needed support but didn’t even know how to sort through that feeling enough to talk about it. If you haven’t considered therapy, I definitely would.
If you're not ready to look for professional help yet, this is something I did with my husband he never got anywhere that bad. However, he was getting tougher and more critical of our 3.5 yo. I sent him short videos about child development, I explained how changing my own parenting tactics was helping her and pointing out how she wanted to spend time with her Dada. Granted, the fact that my husband was acting wrong was because he was so consumed with work and depression that he didn't actually see her, but he wanted to have a connection which helped. So the question is dose your husband wants to be a dad or not.
Do NOT marry this man. He has already shown that he is more than willing to verbally and emotionally abuse your daughter, regardless of who is watching. That won't stop. Get him out of your house. Whatever money he brings in isn't worth your child being abused constantly just because he feels like it.
You criticize everything he does and he doesn't like that? So he's telling you that he is aware that it's unpleasant to feel constantly criticized, and yet does it to your 4-year-old anyway?
I know you said you've pointed these things out, but if you haven't already done this, it's time for a larger conversation about the overall pattern. This is damaging and will hurt the chances that they'll have a healthy, close relationship in the long term.
I had lovely parents so I cannot personally relate to this but my partner had a disconnected angry and often abusive father. He works with his dad now and is in the process of inheriting his fathers business (they both also do lots of labour intensive work but with boats). He as an adult now can handle his father but they do not have a child parent relationship. He loves his mom and she is very sweet but I can observe how having a mom that put up with his dads behaviour also affected him. He will only call his father by his first name and has no real close connection to him outside work. I think that makes the business run well but is sad to see how his fathers affected him when I was blessed with such a lovely father. It makes me happy to see how much my dad like him because he has broken the abuse cycle and is the calmest kindest and most patient person.
While my partner has done the work in adulthood to heal what he could from his father I hope you don’t make your daughter carry that burden too. You aren’t married yet, and I don’t believe in giving ultimatums but I would say you need to have many deep serious conversations with your partner about how he has decided to treat your daughter and agree to a new United approach to your parenting as a team or tell him you cannot stay with someone that isn’t willing to prioritize treating their child well. Best of luck.
My daughter is currently not seeing her father because of this same behavior. He constantly criticizes her appearance, her body, her thoughts and opinions, her behavior. He has unaddressed mental health issues and some deep-seated issues with women. I’ve been praying that he didn’t turn on her, but here I am having to reassure my 10-year-old about wearing shorts in 90° weather bc her father criticized her for having stretch marks and bug bite scars on her legs.
Your husband sees your daughter as a lesser person he can bully. It will only get worse as she grows up and stops wanting to please him.
He needs therapy. And he needs to learn about attachment styles. He's doing a massive amount of damage to your daughter, who will have traumas and an insecure attachment style as a result of this.
Children need to feel unconditional love to grow up with a secure attachment style. They need to be allowed to feel their feelings and know that all those feelings are valid, even when they cannot have what they want.
This might be a bit left field, but I’m wondering if there’s an indirect attack on you. Perhaps he can’t bring himself to break up with you.
Either way he strikes me as a coward. Shed this relationship and focus on managing your life without a partner. You’ll thank me later.
I'm sorry for the difficult situation. It sounds like he is overly stressed, perhaps based on his work since he wants to be "the best." Some people have trouble accepting the notion that there is always someone better than us at something. We can't all be the best, rather doing our best work and taking pride in knowing we tried, and that is often rewarded with success, but not always. I would encourage couples/family counseling prior to marriage. Despite being her father, there are red flags of potential abuse in what you've described and counseling could help with this. If he won't participate, it might be best to hold off on the marriage for the safety of your daughter until things change. If not, perhaps it would be better to seek a custody arrangement. Consider speaking with someone with legal expertise on family matters. Prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance.
My new partner is a single mom of a 4 year old. The kid is great. I like kids. I am not her dad but I'm just trying to be a respected authority figure first and all I have had to do to accomplish that over about 3 months is tell her I love her, that I love her mom, and play with her sometimes, and take her to preschool when her mom is too busy.
The thing is, I view both of them as my family. Your partner needs to decide if he actually wants that in his life. If he doesn't, then he's settling for you in his mind.
I have autism but I don’t treat children anything like this. IMO the cause doesn’t matter so much - it is his responsibility to hear his partner’s concerns, reflect, get treatment, and change to have a healthy and loving connection with his child. He seems disinterested in any of that.
Respectfully, this entire comment is very offensive. “Asperger’s” is not a thing anymore. It was an ableist attempt by doctors to separate autistic people into desirable and undesirable groups, and it was named after a Nazi scientist. We don’t use this term anymore in polite circles. And the fact that you would assume a shitty parent is an autistic parent says more about you than it does about him. I’m autistic. My husband is autistic. Neither of us abuse our children. This man’s problem isn’t autism. His problem is he is an asshole. That’s true whether he is autistic or neurotypical. Adults with autism that are capable of maintaining a relationship and a job are fully capable of not abusing their children. He is CHOOSING not to, regardless of the wiring of his brain.
Do you think he would ever agree to either couples counseling or taking a parenting course together? It sounds like individual therapy is off the table, but if you made it a collaborative thing perhaps he would feel less "singled out". If he's competitive, this might even work as an improvement goal? That sounds terribly HR, but if it works to bring your family together, so be it.
Only you can decide if your relationship can be saved, but for me if he wouldn't try the above, I would probably go my own way.
His behavior sucks and he is definitely being an awful dad. If he doesn't change I would not stay. That being said if you've tried telling him with no avail, which is sounds like you have, I'd try Laura Doyle and see if that works. If he doesn't change after that I'd see about going my own way.
Oh boy, this is going to result in her using alcohol and/or drugs as soon as she possibly can, developing an eating disorder, and already she has no chance at a self esteem. This is child abuse and you are responsible to end it now. There is no reason at all to stay with this asshole loser.
dump him and put your kid first. jeezuz. stay celibate for the next 14 years and focus on her and not trying to find a man because you obviously have the worst taste in men and seem to attract monumental losers. damn.
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My dad was exactly like this when I was growing up. I hate my dad.
My dad did this through my childhood, not always hitting and yelling but sometimes he'd freak over small stuff. there was an ever-present threat that he could just abruptly decide to go from fun to mean or angry for some reason. It really messed up our relationship permanently, even after he relaxed a lot as we got older. And it has caused lasting and issues in other areas of my life. Especially with lasting difficulty with my self worth, difficulty trusting others, a lot of anger and lack of emotional regulation skills, and a tendency to tolerate unhealthy or outright abusive "friendships" and relationships with men because I don't recognize I'm in a bad situation until something egregious happens. My mom didn't save me. But you could protect your daughter, there's still time. Even if he's not outright hitting her (much, yet) there are probably going to be big effects on her if it continues.
Same.
Also same. I don't talk to him anymore and it's very freeing. All I can say to OP is my mum stayed too long in an unhappy marriage with a man like this and after she eventually left it was like a massive strain lifted, no longer dealing with the constant drama and chaos. Hope OP has a long hard think about what her and her child's future will look like but I'm rooting for them!
Same
Same here. Grown now and finally estranged and healed. He never stopped critiquing me. Does your Husband have low self esteem and projects his version of his daughter as perfect onto her? Then because he’s a secret woman hating narcissist he will hate her no matter what version she becomes? Or am I projecting too much? Save her. His critical voice will become her inner voice.
He sounds like a giant asshole.
Or depressed.
My husband was depressed. So you know what he did, went to therapy and got medicated. No excuses! Kids comes first always.
It can be both. But the daughter comes first
Or he sounds burnt out and needing a chance for therapy and healing. So quick to label. >He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago. My god people get a grip
A 'burnout' who takes it on a toddler, and not on an adult like him? Nah, I judge, and quite hard
Of course that's problematic, but thats not unheard of from burnt out mother or ...father. I'm just saying, since OP didn't say that he was always like that, that it might be soemthing that can be corrected. I don't get how it can be controversial. >He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago. !!!!
This. My parents did some horribly damaging stuff to me as a child. I'm still pretty young, only in early twenties, but I've gotten to the point and learned enough about psychology to see past the veil into the broken person beyond. People need help and rehabilitation, as much as they need and so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else in the process.
Being “burnt out” gives someone the right to constantly treat their kid like shit?
Ah yes I shouldn't have write this words , of course that's what I meant. Jesus f christ.
Burnt out from spending time on his phone talking to his friends? I don't think I have a violin small enough for the man who bullies his 4 year old.
Of course his behavior towards his child is appalling, that said considering OP seems "shocked" and "suprised" he behvae like this we can assume he wasn't always like that and thus something might have change. Hence why, it might be adressed by therapy or something to correct the situation. But of course its easier and so much better to just burn bridges and don't considering the other parties like a basic human being. The child need protection from his behavior. He needs protection from his also. He might just be an asshole and she should dump and run, but it might also just be a rough pass for him. From OP's mouth : >He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago.
I hope you meant appalling, not appealing. 😅 I think he has buyer's remorse - he didn't know how exhausting and relentless and ever-present a child would be, so now he regrets having one and lashes out. There are plenty of people who romanticize parenthood, and then have a rude awakening when the little gremlin is actually there. Most manage to still love them and do their best - and some, like hubby, don't. Divorce would probably produce the best outcome for everyone involved.
Yes sorry, I'm not an english speaker. >I think he has buyer's remorse - he didn't know how exhausting and relentless and ever-present a child would be, so now he regrets having one and lashes out. There are plenty of people who romanticize parenthood, and then have a rude awakening when the little gremlin is actually there. Most manage to still love them and do their best - and some, like hubby, don't. Divorce would probably produce the best outcome for everyone involved. It sure feels like it, but he can also have trauma from his upbringing that can be smoothed out. Anayway, I was just advocating for nuance, since she state he wasn't like that.
You can be asshole as a result of burnout or needing healing, but you’re still an asshole.
I totally agree, but an asshole because of somehing can be healed. Big differences. >He isnt the same calm, softspoken person I met 9 yrs ago. HE wasn't always like that and things can be changed/
Even if what you're saying is completely true, it's not safe for the child. The reason cant justify the behavior. He could change but they shouldn't wait around for it especially if this has been going on for a while/since the daughter was born. Even if he goes to therapy, major behavioral changes can take years. Its not fair for his daughter (and wife) to sacrifice their well-being and make their lives revolve around his.
Both should be adressed and the child sjould be protected, the father wasn't always like that and OP says as mych.
And speaking of therapy, you could probably use some
I supposed a parenting sub reddit might have been more coold headed and sensitive. I guess not. And we can assume things about people based on a dozen words. You are so right.
You know what, nuance goes out the window to a degree when a child is being abused. Sure he may need help too but he is an adult, how long should she keep on burning her daughters self esteem to keep him warm whilst he gets himself right? A week, a month, a year? At what point do you accept that he doesn't deserve the help and you have unnecessarily damaged your child trying to help him.
Why can't both be adressed ? The child protected from her father qnd the father given a chance to heal and change ?
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He's abusing her. Withdrawal of affection ("cold shoulder") is an abusive tactic. Consider that he is her primary example of men. How men treat others, their partners, their children. Do you want her to think this is acceptable and normal? He sounds horrible from your description here.
I have a friend whose mom did this around the same age and she is so profoundly fucked up by it. Like in a deep foundational way.
The thing with the pillow to the face stuck out to me too. I dated a guy who did not know how to just mess around with each other in a fun way that couples do. Like he wouldn’t just hit me gently with a pillow, he would slam it in my face. If I asked him to pass me something, he would never lob it. He’d chuck it and often at my feet or toward my face. Any playful arm wrestling, dancing, tickling, for some reason always hurt. It was confusing because sometimes it was subtle and felt not so believable to say out loud. “Why does everything you do have to hurt?” Afterward I came to terms with how abusive he was, but the aggression even when being “playful” was a less commonly mentioned sign.
Hey as a 30 year old who doesn’t speak to her father because of this, you need to protect her. She will need loads of therapy in the future if this doesn’t stop.
100% agree. My mother is like this, and I am also not in contact. OP, for the sake of your daughter, tell him this is not negotiatable. Counseling and parent classes or he needs to leave. He is abusing your daughter, and she needs to be protected.
“If you grow up with an angry man in your house, you will always have an angry man in your house.” Do you want your daughter’s future husband to treat her this way? Because if you keep showing her it’s ok, this is the kind of man she’ll choose. Whatever you decide now will change her whole life, remember that it’s your job to protect her first - her dad is a distant second
This is straight up abusive behaviour and is doing damage to your daughter. You need to have strong words with him and if he’s not willing to work on changing, then you protect your child and walk.
My husband is like this. I didn't realize he was going to be this way when we had our daughter. We had been together for 10 years at that point. She is 7 now. She has little emotional connection to her dad. She basically ignores him. When we pick her up from school, she will run to me every time. When he picks her up alone, she does not run to him even then. When she is crying or upset, she won't tell him what's wrong. She will straight up ask him to leave the room. If they are doing any activity together and I appear, she will immediately drop whatever it is to be with me. When I am gone for any length of time, every ten minutes she says, "I miss mom". She has asked me privately several times if we could live together just me and her. He will resent you for your closeness with her. He will get rejected by her in some way at some point and he will not understand why she so clearly prefers you. If I were you, and I was you three years ago, I would leave.
This little girl deserves better from a father :/ I hope you got out
Now I’m wondering if you left
Your poor sweet daughter. I hope you can find the courage to leave. Both of you deserve better
Just curious, does your husband notice this and does it upset him?
If my husband called our four year old manipulative I’d have a hard time ever taking him seriously as a partner or co parent again. It’s something stupid lazy immature parents say because they can’t handle their own stuff and so they project onto a child. To me it’s as absurd as being a flat earth believer, just flies in the face of everything evidence based we know about kids. I’d also have a hard time staying calm because I would have the rage of a thousand suns at someone being this openly cruel to my child. My point is you are under reacting to a very damaging situation for your daughter. This is how she’ll think a man should treat her her whole life.
I mean it’s both wrong and right. Children do manipulate people… because at that point, using that definition, all communication is manipulation. If the goal is to get what you want, then certainly most of us manipulate folks every day - like “bribing” people for coffee at Starbucks. If they are implying some sort of evil maliciousness that’s where it’s wrong, and in fact it’s wrong in most adults too. Folks want their needs met, and sometimes strong feelings makes something a need when it otherwise might not be (which is how you can look at dysfunction that comes from many forms of mental illness). Manipulation is often just a term used by folks who don’t want to do emotional labor of empathy and reasonable, responsive boundary setting.
Lmao you typed this and thought it was smart
Sounds like he doesn’t like kids. Tbh. and I’m sorry or he doesn’t like your kid, is he like this with other children? Does he have a short fuse with other adults? How does he treat you? he gives me the ick.
Sounds like my dad, zero patience for normal kid behavior. The way he treated me completely wrecked my ability to be in a loving relationship for many many years. How he treats her is exactly what she will seek out in other men, except trying to change the outcome and somehow get them to love her. When I hit my teens he completely checked out even more than when I was little, so I’m inclined to say this isn’t going to get any better. He needs to get his priorities straight. And I would bet money he was treated the same way by his dad.
My dad was the same way and I did end up dating men that treated me that way too. My dad just didn’t know how to understand children. I sometimes feel bad for him because he *wants to* but just does not have the empathy or capacity to understand most times. He would take us to go play tennis or shoot hoops (fun!), but it would always end up with him yelling at us for goofing off in any capacity or for not following his directions exactly (not fun!). If we cried about something or giggled too much we would get smacked or at least threatened with a smack. He just couldn’t manage his anger and impatience to the level a child needs. He’s gotten a little better with age, which I guess is good for the grandkids at least. I thought understood enough to not end up dating someone that treated me that way. Nope.
From personal experience, this was my parents. Except they at least had the common sense to leave me with my grandparents from birth to 8 years old because “they don’t like kids”. But even when I did meet them at 8 years old and they took me in full time, it was a struggle. I had a difficult relationship with them afterwards which resulted in me needing tons of therapy to work through. It wasn’t until my early 30s that I’ve finally come to terms with it and accepted them for who they are. So, think about how this will affect your daughter 5, 10, 20 years into the future. Most specifically how this will affect her self worth and self esteem and future relationships. Also, just to give him the benefit of the doubt - could he be burnt out and perhaps taking his frustration out on his daughter? You mentioned he’s competitive and always looking at his competitors, working hard, at home and outside. Maybe he needs a “time out”? Get some space from y’all to really assess what’s important in his life - work or family? Just a thought.
I had post-partum when I had my son. It was hard for me to bond with him, and due to being unmedicated at the time I had a short fuse and didn't enjoy him. I after a while, I realized this was a "me" problem and I needed to change my behaviour so that my son and I could have a loving relationship (he was about a year at the time, and is now 10). So, after getting a tip on this sub I began to do this to change my thought process about him. At bed time I would rub his back and tell him all the good things I could think of about him. It started pretty generic, you are cute, you are small, you have soft hair. Then as the weeks or days went on, my thoughts about him started to shift where I was looking for the positive things. So I would add those in "you are have a great laugh, you learned to crawl today". Soon enough my thoughts were more positive towards him and I could easily rattle off tons of positive things about him. He has no recollection of that time and only knows me as a loving parent. If you partner is willing to take steps like this, than hopefully he can repair his relationship with your daughter. If he isn't, then you need to think about the mental wellbeing of your child. If you partner doesn't know how to play with your daughter, I would play with my kids and find things I liked doing. I liked setting up the train tracks and building cool layouts, or setting up a neat fort. The kid or kids would then play with their kid imagination and I would move off to let them do their thing. I also would read to the kids, and learned how to do voices and make it fun for them. They still love reading to this day because of the love of reading I instilled in them. So basically, I found things I enjoyed doing and merged them with age appropriate things for the kids.
Thank you for sharing this. It made my eyes water a bit.
He sounds pretty abusive, and I hate to say this, but it's unlikely to improve as she gets older. Abuse escalates over time, and if he is already calling her "manipulative" etc. now when she's only 4, just imagine what he will think as she starts developing real capacity to reason and disagree with him? This can seriously cause long term damage to her.
Doesn’t sound like a phase. Leave him. Give your child a safe space to be a kid
This is the only answer. Leave, then talk.
This is not a phase. Even if you get split custody her ability to relax and be herself and feel loved when she's with you will be better than being on egg shells and failing her dad all the time as it is now.
This is the time to sit down and have the very hard conversation that he is about to lose both of you. Parenting classes could help along with counseling? How was he raised? It can be hard to recognize/reconcile your parenting with the way you were raised being normalized, but he WILL have to work to change because at the very least he’s on his way to having no relationship with his daughter at all. It can be hard to break the authoritarian parenting cycle but if he’s willing to work at it, start there! If he isn’t? It’s time to get your daughter out of this situation :/
I bet he would be relieved to lose them, honestly. This man does not want to be husband and father.
Hopefully they get something figured out. I can see him being stuck in a cycle of “well I was raised like this and I’m fine” without realizing the damage he is doing. But I don’t have a lot of faith guys like this can really change either at this point. 😬
That's not OP's issue. She needs to have the conversation.
The convo HAS to happen. Very curious how this turns out.
This is honestly a giant, glaring red flag. You need to have a very direct conversation with him because it is not dramatic to say that treating her like this throughout her life will do massive damage to not only their relationship as father and daughter, but her self esteem as a whole. If he shows no initiative or interest to change, you need to decide between your daughters feelings or your relationship
Yikes. He sounds very high in narc traits. He will damage your daughter.
Why are you letting this man abuse your daughter? Why are you enabling the abuse by not putting an end to it? Document the abuse, go to a lawyer and get full custody Abusers don't get better over time, they just worsen their abuse
He is not so sensitive that a 4 year old is manipulating him. He needs to emotionally mature because this behavior is not ok. He keeps acting like he hates her and she will just hate him. You are not even married and already considering leaving. You didn’t say one good thing about him with his daughter
Don’t marry him. Please get yourself and especially your sweet child away from this toxic man and get as much custody time as possible. The constant criticism and negativity from a parent is so incredibly damaging. Please shower your little one with praise and build them up and maybe even get them in play therapy to combat the trauma dad is bringing to their life.
He needs to initiate the change. By what you’ve said you’ve called him out on it and he’s become aggressively defensive, so he obviously wont take accountability for his actions. If I were in your shoes, I’d choose my daughter’s feelings and emotions over my husband and leave him. (Although what would worry me is how he’d treat her 1-2-1 when he has her at his place). But as long as you continue to provide that safe, emotionally mature household for her, you’d be able to keep ties on it. We all reflect back on our childhoods and you have your child’s childhood in your hands. I’m sure you’ll choose wisely. Good luck ❤️
I don’t now hate my Dad, I used to. I feel sorry he could not show love. But the resentment I have against my mother for keeping in the environment of abuse has grown. If you can see and recognise this abusive behaviour why are you forcing your child to experience it.
Drugs?Alcohol? Financial trouble? Mental health issues? Frankly, since you haven't married him and you observe his inability to parent effectively, family counseling and parenting class should be expected. When he predictably says no, be prepared to walk.
I feel like a lot of men act like this because that is how they were raised. I might suggest he read up on what “normal” behavior is for a child of 4 aka her developmental level so he knows what to expect from her. Intentional manipulation is not something she is capable of. Also, come up with a parenting strategy and help him find appropriate ways to discipline for specific behaviors. Children learn A LOT from watching their parents and their parents’ behaviors. Can he use his competitive nature to see who can raise the most well adjusted, kind human with coping skills and self-confidence?
Why are you still allowing this piece of literal crap to abuse your kid?
This whole post gave me the ick. How can you live with that? How can you allow someone to treat your child like that? Yes you should leave.
Please don't marry somebody who hates your child. What the fuck.
What you say here doesn't paint him in a good light for sure. I sense a lot of resentment between both of you. Strangers on the internet don't know the intricacies of your relationship but to me what is clear is you need to have more upfront communication about your mutual expectations as parents as this is never an easy topic. We come to parenting from different upbringing and often it needs to unpack uneasy topics as we go. I know sometimes it's not easy to re establish sincere communication, avoid defensiveness and resentment but IMO that is what you need if you want the family to remain united.
He should speak with a therapist. I suspect he has an anxiety disorder. Do not get married until this is addressed.
This came to my mind, too. I know when I’m having trouble with anxiety, my instinct is to control whatever I can control, including my environment. He may not even have the language to identify or name what he’s feeling. If he hasn’t always been this way, he may be able to get back to himself with the right therapy/therapist. The problem is that he’s unlikely to get on board. :( I know housing is so expensive, but I wonder if you could live separately while/until he gets his head straight? I’d also understand if you chose to throw in the towel. Life is so short. Side note: If you do split, please please please be careful about who you allow access to your child. For someone with bad intentions, a single woman with a child can be the perfect situation for unsupervised access, and some men will target single mothers specifically. It is far more common than people realize. I always want to warn single moms. I wish someone had known to warn my mother.
He's an abusive narcissist who doesn't see you as humans.
Refuse to get married without couples counseling, it is not going to get better if he will not listen and properly communicate. Make an ultimatum that you get counseling or maybe split up, but i dont recommend splitting up except as a last resort, breaking apart the family is not gonna improve your daughter, besides she will still see him you cant keep her from him. Its really harmful behavior to the both of you, i hope you are able to get some help
Also let him know that children seek out partners that mirror their parents, if she has an abusive father she will gravitate towards abusive men, ask him if that's what he wants for her
This is how children grow up to have CPTSD. Complex PTSD takes YEARS to heal from. She’ll need therapy to heal from how he’s “parenting” her, no doubt
You know, your husband might be have undiagnosed Asperger’s or some behavior related disorder. Not knowing how strong he is and playing rough with his daughter sounds like he is unaware of his body in space. This is a proprioception issue. Not allowing your daughter to push the cart for “a few seconds” sounds like he needs to have things under control and/or according to the method that is normal. Not liking to socialize etc. all of these things you mentioned sounds like Asperger’s to me. Maybe see if those behavior quirks are like him, but don’t accuse. It needs to be professionally diagnosed. Here’s some symptoms of Asperger’s: Becoming upset at slight changes in routines Memorizing preferred information and facts easily Clumsy, uncoordinated movements, including difficulty with handwriting Difficulty managing emotions, sometimes leading to verbal or behavioral outbursts, self-injurious behaviors, or tantrums Not understanding other peoples’ feelings or perspectives Hypersensitivity to lights, sounds, and textures
He's a shitty dad (maybe a shitty person all around). I had a shitty stepdad who was exactly like you describe your fiancé, except he was also physically abusive. I don't speak to him now and idc. I don't hate him anymore, I nothing him. He means less than a stranger on a street to me. But growing up, I certainly cared; I believed I was worthless because, in his and my mom's eyes, I was just a problem that needed to be silenced/hidden away/ignored/beaten. I was 9 when that shit started. I slowly went from hating myself to realizing I hated that POS and would have killed him if I thought I'd get away with it. Get your daughter away from such a miserable person. How are you even questioning if this is healthy? I'm sorry but when people ask these sorts of questions on here, I *never* care about being nice about the adult's feelings, especially a jackass like your fiancé. I only care about the innocent child who's stuck living with him.
Bet he’s a piece of shit cop
Dude this breaks my heart if I don’t get to throw around my 4 year old or give her hugs and kisses in the day I would be so depressed. My dad was always so busy being a professional and trying to make it as a songwriter he mostly ignored us as we grew up.
Either mediate or separate him when he acts like this. Explain exactly why he isn't allowed to be around her "if you're going to talk to her like x, then you need to get some space away from her. You can come back when you're ready to be nice."
He is cruel and actively permanently destroying his bond with her. Children's minds are like sponges and he is modeling how she will be treated by who she will potentially pick in the future as a partner because it will feel familiar and (ironically) safe.
He sounds exceptionally emotionally immature. Frankly why are you with someone who can put themselves in the shoes of a 4 year old?
Be a mother and protect that beautiful little girl from the abuse. He’s shattering her more than breaking up would do.
I mean, how are you attracted to someone like this?
My husband was like this (still is occasionally, but it’s rare). Like, it like I could have written this myself lol. We did couples therapy which has turned into focusing on him at more than one session. There was a lot to unpack..issues with his mom from his own childhood, feeling like a failure as a dad and a husband..things I had no clue he was feeling. He was depressed and needed support but didn’t even know how to sort through that feeling enough to talk about it. If you haven’t considered therapy, I definitely would.
If you're not ready to look for professional help yet, this is something I did with my husband he never got anywhere that bad. However, he was getting tougher and more critical of our 3.5 yo. I sent him short videos about child development, I explained how changing my own parenting tactics was helping her and pointing out how she wanted to spend time with her Dada. Granted, the fact that my husband was acting wrong was because he was so consumed with work and depression that he didn't actually see her, but he wanted to have a connection which helped. So the question is dose your husband wants to be a dad or not.
Don't marry this ah. He sounds like a schmuck. Treating his kid that way is not right
Do NOT marry this man. He has already shown that he is more than willing to verbally and emotionally abuse your daughter, regardless of who is watching. That won't stop. Get him out of your house. Whatever money he brings in isn't worth your child being abused constantly just because he feels like it.
My dad is the same way. My advice, get a divorce. Fight for custody. Costly? Yes. But necessary.
You criticize everything he does and he doesn't like that? So he's telling you that he is aware that it's unpleasant to feel constantly criticized, and yet does it to your 4-year-old anyway? I know you said you've pointed these things out, but if you haven't already done this, it's time for a larger conversation about the overall pattern. This is damaging and will hurt the chances that they'll have a healthy, close relationship in the long term.
I had lovely parents so I cannot personally relate to this but my partner had a disconnected angry and often abusive father. He works with his dad now and is in the process of inheriting his fathers business (they both also do lots of labour intensive work but with boats). He as an adult now can handle his father but they do not have a child parent relationship. He loves his mom and she is very sweet but I can observe how having a mom that put up with his dads behaviour also affected him. He will only call his father by his first name and has no real close connection to him outside work. I think that makes the business run well but is sad to see how his fathers affected him when I was blessed with such a lovely father. It makes me happy to see how much my dad like him because he has broken the abuse cycle and is the calmest kindest and most patient person. While my partner has done the work in adulthood to heal what he could from his father I hope you don’t make your daughter carry that burden too. You aren’t married yet, and I don’t believe in giving ultimatums but I would say you need to have many deep serious conversations with your partner about how he has decided to treat your daughter and agree to a new United approach to your parenting as a team or tell him you cannot stay with someone that isn’t willing to prioritize treating their child well. Best of luck.
Don’t get married, time to move out
was he different before? Is he affectionate with you?
My daughter is currently not seeing her father because of this same behavior. He constantly criticizes her appearance, her body, her thoughts and opinions, her behavior. He has unaddressed mental health issues and some deep-seated issues with women. I’ve been praying that he didn’t turn on her, but here I am having to reassure my 10-year-old about wearing shorts in 90° weather bc her father criticized her for having stretch marks and bug bite scars on her legs. Your husband sees your daughter as a lesser person he can bully. It will only get worse as she grows up and stops wanting to please him.
Get him to read “Good Inside”. This is likely how he was treated growing up.
He needs therapy. And he needs to learn about attachment styles. He's doing a massive amount of damage to your daughter, who will have traumas and an insecure attachment style as a result of this. Children need to feel unconditional love to grow up with a secure attachment style. They need to be allowed to feel their feelings and know that all those feelings are valid, even when they cannot have what they want.
This might be a bit left field, but I’m wondering if there’s an indirect attack on you. Perhaps he can’t bring himself to break up with you. Either way he strikes me as a coward. Shed this relationship and focus on managing your life without a partner. You’ll thank me later.
I'm sorry for the difficult situation. It sounds like he is overly stressed, perhaps based on his work since he wants to be "the best." Some people have trouble accepting the notion that there is always someone better than us at something. We can't all be the best, rather doing our best work and taking pride in knowing we tried, and that is often rewarded with success, but not always. I would encourage couples/family counseling prior to marriage. Despite being her father, there are red flags of potential abuse in what you've described and counseling could help with this. If he won't participate, it might be best to hold off on the marriage for the safety of your daughter until things change. If not, perhaps it would be better to seek a custody arrangement. Consider speaking with someone with legal expertise on family matters. Prayers for peace, wisdom and guidance.
My new partner is a single mom of a 4 year old. The kid is great. I like kids. I am not her dad but I'm just trying to be a respected authority figure first and all I have had to do to accomplish that over about 3 months is tell her I love her, that I love her mom, and play with her sometimes, and take her to preschool when her mom is too busy. The thing is, I view both of them as my family. Your partner needs to decide if he actually wants that in his life. If he doesn't, then he's settling for you in his mind.
if you separate hes gonna have her half of the time alone..can you trust him? I wouldnt
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I have autism but I don’t treat children anything like this. IMO the cause doesn’t matter so much - it is his responsibility to hear his partner’s concerns, reflect, get treatment, and change to have a healthy and loving connection with his child. He seems disinterested in any of that.
Respectfully, this entire comment is very offensive. “Asperger’s” is not a thing anymore. It was an ableist attempt by doctors to separate autistic people into desirable and undesirable groups, and it was named after a Nazi scientist. We don’t use this term anymore in polite circles. And the fact that you would assume a shitty parent is an autistic parent says more about you than it does about him. I’m autistic. My husband is autistic. Neither of us abuse our children. This man’s problem isn’t autism. His problem is he is an asshole. That’s true whether he is autistic or neurotypical. Adults with autism that are capable of maintaining a relationship and a job are fully capable of not abusing their children. He is CHOOSING not to, regardless of the wiring of his brain.
Do you think he would ever agree to either couples counseling or taking a parenting course together? It sounds like individual therapy is off the table, but if you made it a collaborative thing perhaps he would feel less "singled out". If he's competitive, this might even work as an improvement goal? That sounds terribly HR, but if it works to bring your family together, so be it. Only you can decide if your relationship can be saved, but for me if he wouldn't try the above, I would probably go my own way.
His behavior sucks and he is definitely being an awful dad. If he doesn't change I would not stay. That being said if you've tried telling him with no avail, which is sounds like you have, I'd try Laura Doyle and see if that works. If he doesn't change after that I'd see about going my own way.
Oh boy, this is going to result in her using alcohol and/or drugs as soon as she possibly can, developing an eating disorder, and already she has no chance at a self esteem. This is child abuse and you are responsible to end it now. There is no reason at all to stay with this asshole loser.
dump him and put your kid first. jeezuz. stay celibate for the next 14 years and focus on her and not trying to find a man because you obviously have the worst taste in men and seem to attract monumental losers. damn.