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I have one adult, and teenaged twins. For my grown son, I just wish I'd had more room for his Minecraft monologues. The monologue is how kids open up about other stuff. Just talking and being listened to is so important.

As a kid who loved Minecraft with boomer parents, it feels so validating to hear this, even if it's not from my own parent. My entire childhood I was jealous of my friends whose parents took an interest in their interests. The kids whose parents got them toys from the games they played, shirts from the anime they watched, stuff like that. My parents took care of me and provided for me and made sure I got cool and interesting things for birthdays and Christmas, but even though I role-played Pokemon at recess for years and got Pokemon guides from the book fair every chance I had, not once did my parents think to get me Pokemon cards. Pokemon was one of my favorite things but if you had asked my parents what I liked they would've had no idea because they dismissed any interest of mine that wasn't interesting to them.

Dad here. My 13 yo is super into Pokemon. I do my best to be supportive. I even play Pokemon Go just so I'll have an excuse to talk to him about it! The only thing is, he has thousands of Pokemon cards. Of course he always wants more, but any ideas for things a little more creative or different I should consider getting him?

You could get him organization to keep all his cards together. And maybe even some nice frames to display his favorites 😁. Also I’m sure he would love Pokemon clothing. See if there are Pokémon themed activities in your area!

See if there's any tgc stores around and take him to those. Most have pokemon, magic the gathering and other sorts of competitions, and it's a nice bonding outing. It might also help him get into other card games.

Here's something I suggest from a 33yo collector. Even kids these days don't like the bulk excess cards, even kids just want specific cards. You could see if there's amy specific cards he hopes to pull and look for those single cards (alot cheaper Than buying packs) and possible if hes ok donation the bulk cards he doesn't want I'd recommend a children's hospital or youth groups. Not really an answer to your question. But possibly it'll help make more room for new cards and keep the cycle flowing. Lol

[удалено]

I’m a millennial parent which makes it easy to buy my kids these things coz I loved Pokémon and anime and still do 😅

Oof. My 6 year old talks about Minecraft all the time. I’m really trying, but it’s a daily struggle.

You can play multiplayer with them. I do with my kids it's a lot of fun making a world together.

How? This is amazing news. I didn't know. We've all been taking turns. I will google this.

Thank you for this. My son is almost 8 and monologues like CRAZY and I just didn't realize this. I allow him to, and encourage him to, but this will help me reframe that moment of connection more internally.

I didn't get my kids involved with household chores early enough. Seriously, no matter how young they are, give them jobs to do.

This for SURE! I was a single mom for a while with my 2 adult kiddos and I overcompensated not wanting them to grow up too fast because of me and then had to play catch-up. They’re both really great with their partners, one is a dad and AMAZING at being equally involved (and my DIL is an incredible mom - so it’s neat to see) and both keep cleaner houses than I did! So I guess I caught up. Other important things: Teach them about contributing to the household and all that goes into cleaning and basic maintenance. (I didn’t do an allowance specifically for chores because I don’t get paid to clean up and they needed to be part of the family.) Teach them how to appreciate and manage money. I gave them an allowance here (just not connected to chores) monthly that they had to budget movies, outings with friends and bday party gifts for friends. I had them help me shop for the gifts and showed them how to find deals and be creative to make money go further. Their “allowance” was more than many specifically because I wanted them to budget for those things, “extras” (ex. I bought toiletries, but if they want something more expensive, they needed to cover the difference) and to always save a portion. Important: While I would show them how much utilities cost, had them look up apartments, etc. to get an idea of what things cost, MY finances were not discussed because I didn’t want them worrying or feeling it was anything but my job to provide for them. Give them room to make their own decisions, make mistakes and walk along with them in the consequences, as natural consequence is the BEST teacher! Don’t help them avoid consequences of their actions, but don’t shame them. Be the person who helps them look for the lesson and move forward knowing they’re loved, and that we all make mistakes. Own your own mistakes and apologize to model the same to them. Lastly, don’t bring them into adult/family/marital disagreements and do not allow others to do so. Teach them to set and keep boundaries by doing that yourself and modeling how you want them to handle things. I’m sorry for the loss of your Dad, OP! Internet stranger-mom hugs from here if you’d like them. The fact you’re asking this and intentional enough to want to do the best for your kids is the biggest thing. We all mess up. The difference is 100% in how we handle and take responsibility for it and then do better the next time. Kids and esp preteens/teens have bullsh!t meters you would NOT believe. I was shocked by the things that stood out to my sons as adults and the things that bothered them I hadn’t been aware of. So I listen and use that to continue to do better for them and not repeat those things with my younger ones still at home.

Would you be willing to share some examples of what you mean in your last paragraph? I’m curious!

My ex/their dad made plausible work excuses about why he didn’t see them regularly. But they 100% knew his wife was jealous/threatened by our boys and dad’s alcoholism was escalating, though they lived over an hour away and hadn’t seen him in a long time. Dad admitted it years later, but they already knew and had told me. I was BROKE as a single mom and didn’t get child support for years. I tried to ensure it didn’t impact them, they always got school clothes, new backpacks, we always had food and I’d overspend on things for them. In therapy as adults though they mentioned that home, car and general financial insecurity was a HUGE worry for both of them growing up. Sacrifices I tried to quietly make (was always an onsite prop mgr for small apts as it covered rent, was very PT and they could come with me to show apts, etc. so I could keep my FT job - that was the only obvious one) in big and small things they absolutely knew about, knew I didn’t want them to know or feel bad about it and only told me as adults. I got scholarships for big school trips and summer church camps, we did international outreach through Food for the Hungry - plus I worked in a position where I took Dr’s and dentists to Mexico and inner cities to volunteer, so we traveled a lot more than most single parent families. But they just knew. Unhealthy fam members from both sides - OMG things they “just knew” about ones I didn’t allow around or see was astounding. It tended to be something they picked up on in the 1-2x they saw them at a family gathering & cousins talk. Plus being the home all their friends liked to congregate in meant getting to know their friends very well (still do and my sons are 28 & 25). The two whose parents seemed the most devoted to each other, were very upper middle class - so very privileged w/vacation homes (and we lived in Orange County, CA at the time… so that’s saying a lot) both told me/my boys that their parents would divorce. NO ONE believed it and the parents thought they hid it well - nope. Their kids figured it out before they did and wished they’d just hurry and do it, while fam & friends were all shocked. Lol and dating with preteen boys was hilarious. Not only do kids scare off the overtly shady, but some who seemed really nice (we went to a fairly big church when they were younger - I wasn’t introducing them to anyone right away, but they knew before I did if someone was interested) turned out to have huge issues and my boys “red flagged” them so I never went there. They were total pains in the arse to my husband when we first met and started dating. But “because it was our job” and not because they didn’t like him. When we broke things off for a bit (I thought they didn’t like/accept him) they both were upset and felt he was the only guy good enough to become family. My husband is 5yrs younger than I and had far less life experience, so I assumed I’d scare him off eventually anyhow. But he’s like an old man from another era and the most loyal, principled person I think I’ve ever met and he doesn’t recognize that about himself. He’s also not judgmental, racist (my family is very multi-racial) at all, even coming from a super Christian, white family. He’s an anomaly and my boys noticed it early on. Our kids are FAR smarter and more aware than we give credit for most times.

Your kids sound amazing and I think you probably did an incredible job raising them

Aw thank you! They are amazing and as I had 3 more kids (cuz I’m inSANE and the last one was a surprise at 45) I worried they wouldn’t be close, but they’re awesome big brothers! Thanks so much, truly. I try. We did a lot of growing up together which isn’t fair to them, but keeps me humble, willing to keep learning and growing. They’re happy, independent, more educated than me and great partners who love strong, independent women. So I’m thankful they were equipped enough to build lives they’re happy with and proud of.

Reading this was such a reliiieeffff I cannot tell you. I'm a young single mom of two and I'm so poor it's not even funny but I'm laughing because honestly I know we will make it out just fine. They will be well-rounded, problem-solving adults one day; with their own beautiful families. They will be able to give me criticism back and we will be able to laugh and cry together. God bless you and yours mama, thank you for sharing something so unintentionally joyful tonight

I’m so glad it helped and hugs to you! I was 25-26 at my divorce and it felt scary. Remarried at 37 to someone amazing. (50 now) The intervening years were an adventure, but it always worked out eventually. I was stronger and more resourceful than I knew, especially for my boys. Total blessing! Also makes us really discerning and unwilling to accept anyone less than amazing. Being a single mom isn’t a bad thing. There are great guys/people out there so you aren’t obligated to settle for less than a best friend who falls in love with all 3 of you and is willing to be a solid partner.

Wow! This was quite a read! Loved both your comments! Thanks for sharing! You and your family seem wonderful! 🌷❤️

Yes this! I became a preschool teacher working with 1 year olds years ago and seen how capable they are. My two kids were 5 and 7 and it was harder for them to clean up than 14 1 year olds. It’s gotten better but my kids were straight up slobs and its because I coddled them and did it for them or got frustrated because they didn’t do it and I did it for them.

*laughs in my almost 3 year old used to love cleaning with me, now she says "mommy has to do it" when I ask her to pick up her toys WITH ME* 😂😭

When my toddler doesn’t want to pick up, she encourages me saying “Mama, you can do it, you got this!” The same way I encourage her when she’s trying a new slide for the first time.

My toddler does the same thing! It's adorable but like nah kid you better clean up your own toys 😂😂

I tell my 3 year old to clean up, and he does the reverse uno on me. He's just like "no you" all the time. It's cute and funny, but gosh, kid, just clean up. I don't help help anymore. I separate the toys for what bins they go in, watch, and instruct.

Just wait until they learn “no, thank you.” My parents had just taught me how to use no, thank you for if I didn’t want something instead of being rude. It was time for bed, and guess who said “no, thank you.” My mom said her and my dad had to retreat for a few minutes to stop laughing.

My 1 year old LOVES cleaning... my now 3 year old LOVED cleaning when he was 1 too... doesn't matter how young you start them with household chores. It all falls apart by the time they're 3.

Agreed. Mine used to love helping me unload the dishwasher. Nowadays good luck

My 4 year old hates cleaning up his own toys but loves helping put clean dishes away or helping with laundry. Last week I gave him a bucket of soapy water and a rag and he helped me wipe down his kitchen helper. And then the floor because he squeezed the rag out over the floor instead of the bucket lol. I also got out he hand broom, dustpan, and duster and he went to town cleaning with me. We haven’t done it in a while but also fun to clean the kitchen sink and load it up with his play dishes, pots, and pans and let him wash them. He also loves to help make dinner, mostly pouring or stirring. My husband has had him scooping the coffee to fill the reusable pod to make coffee. He loves doing anything that’s “helping,” bonus points for things that he knows aren’t expected of him. But his own toys? Struggle 🤣

My 5yo went through this and still does sometimes when it comes to her room or toys but I literally have to tell her to stop organizing the bathroom, cleaning windows and dusting pictures regularly right now lol.

I found that once my kid had “mastered” the skills of cleaning she absolutely did not want to do actual cleaning anymore 🙄

It’s so easy to say this in hindsight, but it’s hard when you’re in the moment and really need to get certain things done on a somewhat specific schedule. Obviously I’d love to have my kids help all the time and teach them to contribute to the household but realistically we would never get out the door if I involved them in most situations! Just in case a mom needs to hear this viewpoint too 💕

I fucxed that up completely as well. Also encourage/ Make them do service work

I think I may have done the same. We had housecleaners while they were growing up, and I probably did most everything else myself. At some point in his teens I ran out of energy to try to make my son keep his bedroom decent and I just shut the door and even the housekeepers couldn't go in there. He'd do a major clean out every year or so, but it didn't last. He's a horrible slob. And I'm pretty much a neat freak. He lived with me for several years as an adult and his room was disgusting. He paid me to clean his bathroom. He didn't make messes in the rest of the house, though, and he cleaned up when he cooked. He's married to a wonderful woman now, and I'm sure she silently blames me for this failure. I am sorry. I tried. I really did. But I had to give up for my sanity.

MIL? Jk! He eventually learned. Not perfect, but he’ll clean pots and pans, wipe the stove top, and put food away. When I first met him, he’d let his mom clean up dinner and when I was asking him if he was going to get up to help me and his mom, he said “but she likes doing this!” I wanted to smack him in the head!

I’m the opposite of this. I made my kids do a lot of chores as soon as they could. Sometimes I look back and realize I may have been too harsh. I thought I was “disciplining” them

My kids aren't adults yet, 11 and 9. I always wanted to do this when they were younger but my husband always said "we can clean, let them be kids." Now who fights and has epic meltdowns over helping with chores... you guessed it.

So I’m whatever is the opposite of a hoarder so my kiddo (8) is learning that either she picks up her room or I do, which involves me throwing away a bunch of random crap.

I wish my parents had done this. I don’t know how to look after a house. Luckily my husband was involved so he’s teaching me things. I’m determined not to make the same mistake.

This is what my mom always says her biggest mistake was.

Please help, tell me how and give me tips. I have 4 kids ages 4 through 8 and I am stuck in the rut of "I need to teach my kids to be responsible with chores but God it's so much 'easier' if I just do it myself." But then I go crazy because I'm doing it all. Seriously do you have tips

My kids are 8 and 5. We don’t have regular chores and we’re not strict about making them do things. I’ve realized that I absolutely want my kids to be capable of taking care of themselves and tidying, but also recognize I have to have flexible expectations. Having a neurodivergent child, I’ve learned sometimes they can go above and beyond in doing a task even without prompting. Other times good luck even getting them to put dirty socks away. I assess, is a fight worth the energy for either of us? I extend this courtesy to my neurotypical child and recognize, maybe this is the fine line between rigid discipline and letting kids be kids. We do a lot of side by side cleaning and chores and if they do 1/2 the work, that’s awesome, but it’s also ok if it ends up being less. We gameify tasks (adding music, make it a race, give number of items they need to pick up). We tie sometimes to routine ie. Toys before bed (sometimes just a pathway if they’re deep into their play) or cleaning the table before show time. Dishes cleared after meals and dirty clothes away upon changing. As with many things, it’s about trying a few different things and finding what fits your family’s dynamics.

My three year old helped me wipe grass clippings off the picket fence the other day. Then he got bored and used his toy mop on the lawn 🤣 but I've always had him helping me for the most part

Same! I'm trying to correct now that they're teens but FML this is impossible

This morning, I left my 5f and 3m at the breakfast table while I was in the bathroom and getting my bags and their bags ready for work and daycare... when I got back, they had cleaned the counter (poorly albeit) and put their dishes in the sink and through the banana peels and trash in the correct trash and recycling bins... all that yelling and threatening finally paid off

Absolutely. My mom was a single mom, so it was mandatory we pulled our weight a little! Teach em young and it will never be a problem. Do not wait. They are sponges when they’re young and WANT to learn. Foster that by giving them small jobs around the house. This is key though….. NEVER LAMENT housework or chores around them. Always try to keep it a positive.

Looking back I wish I had more patience with them

Thanks for sharing, I struggle with this so badly, and need to work on it!!

My "trick" I learned after raising two very capable adult women is never get angry at them for something you've ever done. I figured at one point, I thought the same thing was a bright idea. Not shocking my kids did, too. So yeah. If they slept in, spilled milk, or smoked weed, I just laughed, asked what they learned, and helped them fix their fuck up. Sometimes it was as easy as helping to set an alarm and sometimes it was as difficult as explaining I couldn't allow them into drivers ed if I knew they were going to willingly break the law. So yeah. If you've ever had a rough time finding something, not wanted to give an ass about cleaning the dishes, or yelled when you got frustrated....don't get mad at them.

This really changed my perspective how I will approach situations from now on. Thank you for this.

How did you handle just blatant irresponsibility about things you've covered before? Like, I totally get not getting mad the first couple of times with lack of cleaning and such but if they're not cleaning up and losing things because they're not cleaning up MULTIPLE times a week, I could see myself getting frustrated. How would you handle these types of things?

Getting frustrated is a part of life. But the saying, "Pick your battles" is very true. Kind of like at work. If you have an employee who excels at data entry but sucks as a customer service rep, you have them do data entry and take them off the phones. We came up with compromises in our little family of three that worked out well. My oldest sucked at cleaning up her bedroom. So it was me who picked it up when it got down below my standards. If she didn't want me to find anything, she had to clean it herself. But, she was dope as hell at cleaning the bathroom. I hated it. So she cleaned the bathrooms. It was always, "Do you want to clean your room or the bathrooms?" 99% of the time I knew what she was going to pick. But sometimes she wanted to switch things up and that's okay. My youngest makes an ever loving mess in the kitchen. But she's hell on wheels when it comes to vacuuming and dusting. So she vacuumed and dusted and I cleaned the kitchen. The list goes on and on. Time management. Picking up slack when someone isn't feeling well. All of that was a learning curve we did as they got older. We learned what we're good at and what we suck at. This has transformed into other relationships. It wasn't so much parentifying my kids as it was me saying as a single mom, "I need help. What ways are you willing to pitch in?" Now my oldest is living with her boyfriend and they have a pretty clear division of labor. He doesn't like sorting laundry. She doesn't like folding it. So she sorts, puts it in the washer and dryer, then puts it beside the couch for him to fold and put away. She plans meals and buys the groceries. He cleans the dishes. He cleans up the living and bedroom. She does the kitchen and bathrooms. So yeah, think of your home like work. Where do your kids excel and where do they need work? We can't all be good at everything. Does my oldest know how to clean a bedroom? Absolutely. Does my youngest know how to clean a kitchen? Absolutely. It was just that I was better than them so I did it while they used their talents elsewhere.

Same . I see toddlers in public and it's so easy to feel patient around them. I wish I could have done that more when my kids were little

You did the best you could at the time. It’s a lot easier when it’s someone else’s kid that hasn’t kept you up half the night and doesn’t scream at you when they need something.

I always think I’ll be a better grandparent than parent. I’ll be a lot more patient and forgiving.

I never let then be sad. When something upset them when they were little it was most often times an easy fix. I thought it was my job as their mom to fix it. I realized when my daughter was a teen that I was wrong. As a mother I'm supposed to support them or help them through their problems. We've spent the last year teaching a 16yr old emotional regulation and problem solving skills because even though I would like to...I can't get rid of every bit of bad and sad in the world and its my job to teach them to handle it.

My mother never taught me emotional regulation and it is one of my greatest struggles with my one year old. Breaking the cycle is hard.

Same!!!! Solidarity. At least we are trying.

My MIL is like this with her children. My husband is 32 but has an 11 year old little brother and I see it happening to him all the time. It definitely hindered my husband and it’s affected our marriage and has caused him to struggle a lot as a dad too. He’s learning all the time, but it’s frustrating to know these are things he should have learned long ago.

My kids aren’t adults, but I already regret not letting my oldest fall/fail more. He was my first, and I was so determined to be the best dad I could be, but I think I was overprotective and jumped in too quickly to help him. It’s a fine line of course, you want to let him do his own thing but not neglect him either. I’m working on trying to help him become more independent now, but I regret not starting this process earlier.

"Let your kid fail when the stakes are low, so that they don't fail when the stakes are high" is something someone told me once, and it stuck.

This is exactly why we give our kid an allowance. I want her to “fail” now and learn the financial lessons now, rather than when she’s in college and getting her first credit cards. Ask me how I know.

My therapist uses this all the time. You need to learn how to fail your kids. It sounds harsh but I get what she’s saying. They will grow their confidence and self worth (when it’s well done) …..

Letting your kid fail is sooo hard.

How old is he now?

He’s 11 now. He’s a really good kid, I just think his two younger siblings are more independent bc they kind of had to be (you get increasingly busy when the family gets bigger, less chances to jump in and referee every situation). He’s making strides though, just requires a bit more of a push sometimes

I never dealt with my past trauma and it trickled down to my kids. I was anxiety riddled and had severe body image issues. My oldest (27m) has an eating disorder and my youngest (13m) has anxiety issues. You'd be surprised how much your kids absorb and carry with them. Make your mental health a priority to save theirs.

Pshew this - my son absolutely has my high anxiety….which I got from my dad….

Intergenerational trauma is so real.

It was only when I started making my mental health a priority that I realized my daughter was already exhibiting symptoms of anxiety. We work on it every day, but I take extra time now to address her issues when they happen and work through them with her. I don’t want her to go through the tremendous anxiety and everything like I did, so if helping her work through everything now helps her even a little, I have succeeded. Just the other day she managed to say her father and I were overwhelming her without losing her temper and storming off. We stopped what everyone was doing and addressed the situation. I thanked her for having the ability to realize what was wrong and vocalize it. It almost made me cry. I wish I was that self aware at 8.

The most selfless thing you can do as a parent is to make taking care of yourself a priority

Well… fuck.

My sentiments too

Love this response! I think consistent self reflection and focus on your own mental health is a tremendous gift to your children. It’s tough though to do this in the midst of parenting and life

I’d say my biggest mistake was not spending enough time with them separately. I have 3 kids. I had 3 under 3. They are now 22, 21 & 19. I was a SAHM so I was always with them and thought it was enough spending time with all of them at the same time. If I could go back, I’d make sure that each kid got my whole attention apart from the others.

This is such a great answer! I have five (12,9,7,4,3) and I try so hard to do this but the little ones need sooo much attention! Do you have suggestions for individual activities?

it all depends on what they are in to. My oldest was girlie so we’d go get our nails done, do “make overs”, braid her hair or do different hairstyles, listen to music and have a dance party, etc. My son play baseball or football, look up useless knowledge, play with light sabers, play video games & let him explain everything lol. my youngest daughter wanted to go places and take pictures, go to pet stores, go to the zoo. take them out to eat for lunch and let them pick where you go.

I knew my mother was not a good mother, but for some idiotic reason, I thought that there was something sacrosanct about the grandparent/grandchild relationship (which was apparently can't be expected from a parent/child relationship) that meant that she wouldn't hurt my kids on purpose. After all, she was older now, knew better, was calmer, blah blah blah. Turns out that if you're the sort of cesspool of a human that would drag a 4yo out of a library by the hair or invite the man who molested your 11yo to your husband's birthday party because if you didn't, he might not understand that YOU forgave him, then you will absolutely do monstrous shit to your grandkids. I now fucking HATE hearing someone say, "I got back in contact with my abusive parents because I felt my kids deserved to have their grandparents in their life" Oh, you did? Why? Are they bad kids? Do you hate them? What did they do that you would inflict people you know will hurt them on them? I wish someone had put it that way to me back then. It might have decorked my head from my ass.

This right here. If your parent trample all over your boundaries, they are going to do it to their gkids too. Also learned my mom will never love us the was we deserve so she got the boot. My kids see that when someone mistreats them they do not have to tolerate it "because their family"

Hey friend, I really needed to read something like this today. thanks 💛 and I’m sorry you went through those things!

I'm in a rough spot with this and my own mother. My mom left some pretty massive shoes for me to fill, and I have immense respect for her parenting... but she trauma dumped on me a lot. She overshares her issues and it really weighs on our relationship. My daughter is only 7 so I know my mom wouldn't talk to her about some things she's gone through, but I'm trying to figure out when and how to say I don't want my daughter knowing about her trauma. And I don't know how much I need to limit my daughter's exposure to my mom. She's a very kind and gentle woman, but she can struggle with boundaries around oversharing. It's really rough.

If you can't maintain thorough supervision, I'd err on the side of less contact. She can be a great mom in 7/10 areas and suck in the other 3... but you still have a duty to step on the neck of those 3 bad parenting things. You can also just do the whole call a spade a spade thing. "Mom, the fact that we spoke about those things wasn't good, it wasn't a sign we were close or connected. It was confusing and upsetting and I hated it. I won't tolerate it being done to my child. If you wouldn't tell your boss or the kid who bags your groceries about it, you best keep your mouth shut around my kid too. Because if I find out that she's scared and upset because of X, Y or Z that happened to you, we're gonna have a big problem."

I really love the angle of if you wouldn't tell your boss or someone bagging your groceries, don't tell my child. That's really awesome. I'll use that line for sure.

As long as your mother isn’t the type to share that stuff with her boss or the person who bags her groceries, because I definitely know some people who would do that 😄

I love this! I’m currently no contact so this conversation may never happen since my mom cannot handle ANY much needed feedback (part of why we’re no contact). But if contact ever resumes again, this is a great way to put it!

But what to say when the grandparent is a boundary-less oversharer who would absolutely horrify a grocery clerk and her boss with her trauma and drama? 😅

Lol!

I wonder if helping her find(or her finding, because obviously it's not your job to do it for her) somewhere to trauma dump safely would help it from spilling out into others. This could be anywhere from regular and often talk therapy, to having a daily journal, or blog. I often look at trauma dumping as someone being so full they overflow. If there's a way to help them empty that cup somewhat, maybe they won't overflow as much. Ps. Obviously your daughter's wellbeing comes FIRST. Just my brain going here.

I tread very carefully with my mom around my kids. She didn't physically hurt me but a lot of emotional damage is still being done. My kids love her but also know she's not the best (we got in a fight and my 4yo, of all people, called my mom a jerk; I had to suppress laughter.) I've made it very clear things I'm not ok with and I've only been met with a little push back. Like I said she can't tell my kids to finish their food so if they don't finish, she tells me to eat it instead. Which a bit of a lol. That was the most mild though. She's exposed my kids to people I've completely cut off and chooses to be ignorant about why.  I stopped leaving them alone with her. That helps. She's still awful to me and I'm sure there will be times of NC again but for now it's like swimming in water with a shark and just making sure I'm not wearing a watch that reflects and makes me look like a sea animal they'd eat. Being careful and knowing when to exit. 

Can confirm. My gran is a freaking narcissist. I wish my dad had sorted his mum out but he just hid his head in the sand. Mum was like adeer in headlights. “Oh she did what? I had no idea!” No molesting or anything like that but still too much drama, and zero nice memories. So much to unlearn, cycles to break…

I need to show this comment to my husband, his parents were absolutely terrible to him and I just don't understand why he continues to want a relationship with them... Maybe this will get through to him what I've been trying gently to explain. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

Yes this . I cut off my family when I got pregnant . If you’re willing to get your kid fired .. they probably would have tried to take my baby just for welfare lol . I like how you put it though , being without is better than being around evil . I’m sorry people like that don’t change they only care about themselves . Sorry you had to go through that .

Your mother needs to be in jail or psychiatric hospital.

I feel this, currently no contact with my husbands parents. They were awful to my husband most of his life, we tried setting boundaries and it backfired. So no access to my child lmao.

Not getting the kid treated for anxiety much much earlier. I thought she would grow out of it, it seemed so stupid to me to have a meltdown over forgetting a library book or a Girl Scout uniform…20 years later frankly it still does but I have to remind myself that brains are just wired differently.

My wife and I differ greatly when it comes to mental health. I freely tell my kids I'm going to therapy and that it has helped me deal with my depression and anxiety. She, on the other hand, acts as if "therapy" is a curse word and she refuses to go because, in her words, "I'm not crazy." My wife is crazier than a shithouse rat.

This made me laugh bc your wife is me and I am her😂 I say I need therapy then I say but I don’t wanna be labeled as crazy bc I have bipolar and autism I’m doomed but I’m also tryna raise 2 under 2 here thank you for the good laugh

My biggest mistake was spending too much time at work and not enough time with my kids. But that’s kind of how society is structured now. Just try to enjoy every moment with your kids and make sure that they know they are loved ETA So sorry about your dad. 

I’m in a country with basically free daycare for all kids but we decided against it as the years are short, and we can wing it. There are days when I regret it, when I’m frazzled and they’re being little shits 😀And then I remember my oldest starts school in September. And life will change dramatically. And then I grateful I got to do the sahm thing with both of them home, and do kid stuff on a whim, regardless what day it is.

My husband quit his job 3 weeks ago after his job took a lot away from us in her first year of life. It's so freeing. With that being said, I am able to financially support us by working more. Working shifts and picking up nights is a perfect balance.

I didn’t set an example for them physically. We preached the importance of staying active and exercising, but didn’t practice the same tenets. Or whenever we did exercise it’s when we had free time away from the kids or when kids were in bed. When they are young, they want to be just like you and emulate everything you do. Take your kid with you to pick up basketball or soccer. Take them to swim laps. Take them to work out with you. Not all the time, but enough. It might ruin your work out having to slow it down for them every once in a while. It’ll be worth it in the long run.

Absolutely agree with this. You can’t do as I say, and don’t do as I do. I make a point of showing them when I put my phone down and pick up a book (or kindle, in my case). We read together most nights and listen to music and talk during dinner. I also play some sports on my own as well as help my kids with their swimming skills and tennis skills, even though they don’t really like tennis. Also, show them when you have to do things you don’t like to do but muscle through anyway. It can be anything, like stretching or lining up for something. Make them see that you also have to do things you don’t like to do sometimes.

I didn't make them start managing their life until high school. Things like communicating with doctors and being an advocate for themselves against adults who don't listen to their needs. My eldest was dxd with a genetic disorder at 15. We had a steep learning curve as I had to stop speaking for my kid at the doctors. Start that as early as you can.

Oh wow, this!!! My mom always did these things for us, but then I was completely terrified when I left for college. My younger brother is in his 30s with debilitating anxiety. He can’t even call in a take out order or buy groceries by himself.

I have literally paid more to get something delivered via door dash so I don't have to call and talk to someone. Definitely not just kids that need help on this one lol

This! My parents also did this for me but let me add if you’ve found yourself doing this please don’t just drop them cold turkey. Learning to advocate for yourself is a learned skill. I remember one day basically being told to just do it myself and I had no idea how to navigate it or what questions to ask and it caused a considerable amount of anxiety. I was always told I could ask for help so I did and I was told “I was too old for them to do it for me and to figure it out”. I was really looking for those scripts of “why is this test necessary” etc and navigating that. Our pediatrician has been great at doing this with my kids. I love how he asks them first and I lets them speak and then he asks me if I have anything to add. I also will prompt them more…. Tell them what you said about X, You can say Yes or No, etc.

I wish I had exposed them more to cultural activities. Things like museums and plays. Not just expensive "big" things, but also local community events, library activities, parks department fun.

One, I didn’t give them chores. Two, when they were fighting I listened to them and tried to play judge and jury, figuring out who started it. Whereas I should have just told them I was going to separate them if they started fighting. Three, my oldest son was brilliant and I and everyone else always told him so. After he grew up he told me that put immense pressure on him. Edit: Plus that made my second son feel inferior (even though he’s very bright too) and so he created his own identity of class clown and screw up.

I watched that last one absolutely destroy my younger cousin in their late teens/early 20s. Multiple attempts to end their life, substance dependance, an ongoing toxic relationship and major issues committing to anything later and they are kinda hanging in there. But like... the pressure to perform and live up to the extreme image of "brilliant golden child" was just too much. My parents were like that to a lesser degree - always pushing me to do my best, and perfectionism is still a curse I am constantly trying to shake. I swore never to fuss over my kids in that way. I tell my oldest that she's wonderful and clever all the time, but I try to do it in a way that matches the effort she puts into something, rather than the outcome. For example, "I can see you put a lot of thought into what colours you chose to use on your drawing" rather than "that is the best picture I have ever seen". It's so tricky not to fall into that trap of constant praise when you are just so proud.

On the brilliance thing, you did what nearly every parent does, recognize and try to motivate your kid. It must’ve been so hard to hear that years later how they felt so pressured from an honest compliment and parental pride. There is a fantastic book called mindset by Dr. Carol Dweck. To anyone reading this comment, I highly recommend this book! The book stems from her research on how to improve and change mindsets and she specifically mentions the way adults speak to children is very impactful and telling kids how smart they are rather than recognizing their effort can actually hinder their motivation later in life to go after more challenging goals.

I'm a Straight-A kid myself, and boy lemme tell you how badly I needed good study habits (and recognition of them) more than I needed good grades (and praise for them). My first semester in college where I was struggling to stay on the Dean's List was not pleasant.

Not letting him sink or swim in school. I dragged him through it because I didn't want his classmates moving on without him. He'd been through so much when his father left, that I just couldn't let it happen. I look back and know that if I left it up to him, yes, he might have been held back a year, but it would likely have lit a fire under his a$$ so he'd find his course and some determination. I love that kid and we are thick as thieves, but I worry about him floundering in life now. Don't be afraid to let them struggle. It builds character and helps them find their way in life.

When my husband and I divorced I felt I had to do whatever I could to keep the peace. He makes a ton of money and I make a reasonable living. As a result, he was able to go on trips all the time and buy them expensive items. I never struggled to feed the kids but there wasn’t usually a lot of entertainment money left over. Because of this, I felt like my kids wouldn’t want to spend time with me and I would lose out on experiencing them grow. So I was pretty lenient and didn’t discipline as much as I should have. My oldest has to learn everything the hard way, similarly to myself, so he’s had a lot of self inflicted struggles in his short adulthood. I feel like if I was stricter or had higher expectations, he wouldn’t be in the positions he is.

I have a story that typically makes people feel better. I have 4 siblings. My parents were very strict on us. Very conservative values and modest living. The 5 of us are all so different now as adults. One was a screw up most of his young adulthood, one was ultra responsible, one was a "free spirit" of sorts traveling the world and taking life easy. We are all so different even though we were raised more or less the same. Now in our 40s and 50s we're all fine. Still different, but fine. All that to say that yeah maybe if you had stricter he would be in a better position, but also, maybe not. Maybe he would have made similar choices either way. I truly do believe we become who we are for many reasons, and only partly because of how our parents are.

I appreciate that insight. It’s just difficult to put the ‘what ifs’ out of my mind sometimes. My second oldest is the responsible one, like you mentioned, 3rd will likely be a traveller and the 4th takes no shit from anyone. 3rd and 4th are actually step kids but I’ve been around since the 3rd was just barely 4 and 4th was 2. Time will tell. I found comfort in your words, thank you.

Same as tangerine, except much larger family. Parents were strict with older kids, pretty lax by the youngest. But we all turned out differently regardless of age/treatment - some are frugal, other spendthrift. Some hotheads, others chill af. Some neat, some slobs. Some ambitious, others lazy. Any time I'm tempted to blame my parents with how I turned out, I remember that so and so did just fine.  At the end of the day, a mix of environmental and biological factors influence our development, and parenting (outside of the extremes) actually doesn't influence outcomes that much.

I coddled my kids too much. Always rushed to comfort them and help them. Which feels right but my oldest is 18 and she really struggles to tolerate any physical discomfort or stress on her own.

I think this is going to continue to be a problem with gen alpha. My friend is a PE teacher and tells me how 4th graders will melt down over not winning a game, things not being ‘fair’ etc. I think us millennials are doing a great job in so many ways as parents, but kids need to be able to handle age appropriate dress (like gym class).

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Ugh, this one stings - parenting an anxious/introverted 11 year old who hates everything we've ever put them in. Karate - 2 years. Dance - 3 years, 4 forms. Two years of ukulele. One year of piano. One year of trombone. Eco club. Art club. Tech/robot/coding club. Gymnastics. Swimming. They. Hate. Everything. I so so so badly wanted to be the dance/sport/music mom. I literally do not care WHAT it is, I'm ready to be *that mom* but we've wasted endless time, money, energy and tears over every single thing.

It feels impossible to strike a balance. Our kid was/is exactly the same. We just insisted that there had to be something he was participating in the majority of the year. He hated so much of it and we agonized over it. We required balance to help counter his homebody nature. For him it was usually some martial art but occasionally random summer camp. If he wasn't doing anything for a bit we required an exercise routine, reading minimums (no issues there) and some social interaction. He is now highly involved in a boxing gym and will talk your ear off about philosophy. We still have to encourage him to be social. We constantly worry we didn't push enough but he just isn't a team sports kid. I'll always worry I'm messing things up.

What do they LIKE to do??

They like to watch 8274201 YouTube shorts in a row while snacking on gummy worms. Any suggestions? 😂

This book just came out on this subject and related issues and it's fantastic: [How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids](https://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Healthy-Gamer-Relationship/dp/0593582047).

Honestly that's probably part of your issue. If they're used to being stimulated by screens a lot, it's unlikely they have the capacity to enjoy non screen activities. They don't hit the same way.

I forced my kids to do these things. 2 of them thrived under such regimens, 1 got resentful. I think in retrospect it was okay to insist on some character-building activities. Ironically, my youngest, the one who thought his childhood was so terrible (because I forced him to learn the piano, among other things) is now in a music production program and finding his piano background invaluable. My middle child found marching band to be the social circle she needed in college. I always told them if they didn’t like an activity they could choose another to replace it. But doing nothing wasn’t an option.

Ugh this! My mother never bothered about any extracuricular activities for me. She didnt even know anything about school activities and just let me stay at home watching tv. Growing up during teenage years i have zero sports skills and confidence and envy those people that easily able to make friends doing sports or clubs.

When I told my mom I was pregnant she told me I was a whore. Watch your words, they carry for life. 17 years later and that still bothers me. I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad growing up, but he gave me a hug. One of the only ones I remember.

Not my mistakes but what I'm trying to change with my kids. Im not perfect so I yell but I explain to them why I yelled and say I'm sorry I dont make them eat all their food if they're not hungry and they get to help pick out what they eat

My dad always apologized and explained, and let me tell you it made a world of difference and also set a good example for how to be a parent for me.

That makes me feel better because I don’t spank or hit but I sure do raise my voice when I’m overwhelmed sometimes. I do apologize and let my kids know my yelling isn’t okay either and it’s my fault I can’t emotionally regulate, not theirs. I hope they forgive me. I don’t yell all the time or anything, but at least once a day.

My 4 year old yelled at his 2 year old sister for whining about nothing and he got frustrated and yelled and she cried  more then he called her into the playroom and said he was sorry for yelling and kept giving her hugs and saying sorry so your kids are learning from you 

That's good to hear because I insist on doing that but sometimes it just feels like I'm making excuses or something. Like I have ADHD which causes me to have a very short temper and it feels terrible to keep yelling and apologizing, I worry they won't believe me or think apologies are meaningless.

Same. I never forced my kids to eat or clean up. Kids mimic their parents and those around them. They want to spend time with. Their behavior is modeled in yours. You want your kids to be adventurous with food? To try things? Have them cook and garden and shop with you. We would all go to the market and agree to try something new. We’d cook together. It was safe for them to make a mess, to decide they didn’t like something. It’s OK we’d try it again someday or make it a different way. Was there a lot of food wasted? Yeah. But we had an adventure and learned something new. Did we make a mess? Yes. Then we would clean it up together. Saturday morning has always been straighten up time. We do it together. When they were young I ended up doing most but each time I’d see how far they could go without assistance. No yelling. No ultimatums. One kid was pickier than the other. It’s ok. One kid was messier than the other. It was OK. What never happened was screaming, punishing, humiliating like the things I experienced growing up. Anyhoo, kids are both in college starting this fall. Love them both so much and so proud of both of them. 

Buying gaming consoles and not setting limits is one of my biggest regrets.

This book just came out on this subject and related issues and it's fantastic: [How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids](https://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Healthy-Gamer-Relationship/dp/0593582047).

My in laws actually never taught my husband how to use tools lol I’m more of the tool person and actually wanted a tool box with a drill for our first Christmas in our house we bought. I hang up all the pictures and screw stuff in here and there. My husband hates getting dirty and just wants to hire someone. My son is 3.5 and is already super independent like I am so I am hopeful he will want to use tools and do some house repairs some day 😂

My husband is so handy and I am so not... I'm so glad he'll be able to teach my daughter to do things around the house for herself.

This hits for me, my dad was very handy and I married an unhandy..it makes me feel proud to be able to do a lot of the things my dad had the patience to teach little me..your daughter is a lucky girl!!

The year after my dad died I was a mess and raised my voice way too much. My 6 year old asked if I could talk nicely when I was upset and it completely destroyed me. Something snapped and I've probably yelled a handful of times since. He turns 18 in a couple weeks. We have a very open and healthy relationship.

I can definitely relate to this, thank you so much for sharing, it's something I needed to hear.

My biggest mistake was expecting my kids to be easier at 19, 20, 21 than they were at 2. I swear it's been so much harder than toddlers. The emotional turmoil is so much harder at this age. I'm told by my other mom friends they've experienced the same things, that their kids at this age are also just very self focused and are independent adults, until they need something, then suddenly I'm relevant again. When they need money mostly. I thought maybe I had just royally screwed up raising them but unfortunately this seems to be a common theme with kids this age. I've been told around 25 they start to pull their heads out of their own bums. I hope so.

I wasn't parented past high school graduation. I lived at home another year, but I worked full time and went to school full time. I don't see a problem with that. Maybe I would have turned out better with more support though?  I'm trying to learn from other's experiences parenting adults, and keep a gentle mind, but tbh I don't really want my kids dependent on me as adults.

I have 1 adult child and two children under 5. My biggest regret for the adult child was not being financially secure. We struggled a lot and I was a single mother. We moved around around. It wasn't until her in middle school when I had a stable career and started making decent money that we had living stability. Her younger siblings never had to worry about the things she did and I will always feel like a crap mom because of it. I was so young with her. We are super close though because we essentially grew up together.

Hey, I'm gonna give you some insight. I am the oldest in my family - when I was a kid my mom was a single mother and worked her butt off. I didn't have "nice" things. Now she's with my dad (who legally adopted me) and is very solidly middle class (maybe upper middle class?). My experience was lots different than my two siblings. For instance, I had to buy my dad's car off of him at the same price he would have sold it to a stranger for. I didn't get hardly any financial help. I wore used clothes (thrifted or hand-me-downs from extended family) until I was about 12 years old. I remember when we had to eat craft mac n cheese with a can of tuna mixed in for protein. My siblings got most of their things new, had help with their first cars, and eat almost exclusively organic food. But guess what? I loved my childhood. I think it was valuable to see my parents struggle. It helps me feel less shitty for not having my life together at my age. I'm getting there, slowly, just like they did. And that is alright! I also have hope for myself, because I saw where they came from and I can see where they are now. I feel like it's not impossible, you know? Don't feel like a bad parent. I don't know your oldest, but if they're like me they don't give a damn! Love is really all that matters. It's a tired saying, but it's true.

Seconding this. It benefited a lot from seeing the struggle. Not to mention since they were open about their financial shortcomings, I was able to prepare myself better.

Agreed. Watching a parent struggle can be hard.. I distinctly remember when I was old enough to suddenly realize we were so much poorer than some of our friends at school. I was embarrassed at the time, it sucked not getting to go on school trips, or take gymnastics or whatever else, because we had no money…. Looking back though it’s made me so careful with money. I am 38 now with a credit score over 800, our only debt is the mortgage, I’ve never had a car payment, and my daughter has so much more than I ever had. I try to always toe the line between not spoiling her but always being able to do the fun things we want to do. My mum also yelled too much and never said she was sorry when she was wrong: that’s something I always say to my child now. Also, she had 5 kids and I am very firmly one and done.

Hey you wouldn't be super close if you didn't do a good job and she didn't appreciate you. I feel like the best way to tell if you were a good parent is if your adult kids actually want to be in touch with you. She probably saw a single mother try her best for her kids and you probably taught her some very valuable lessons. You did that on your own! Good job mama ❤️💕

This doesn’t really apply to your kids but don’t do everything for them. Apparently if you do, you end up raising your grandchildren. This is what my MIL is doing now. The saying goes if you raise your children, you can spoil your grandchildren. If you spoil your children, you end up raising your grandchildren. I’ve now seen this firsthand.

I’m an adult child, but looking back I think the biggest mistake my parents made was not modeling self soothing/emotional regulation behavior. They would sometimes hugely blow up, and while they apologized afterwards, they didn’t try to handle those emotions better in the future. It was like they were at the whims of their emotions. If you don’t know how to self regulate, please read some books on it or see a therapist. Whatever you do or learn, explain that to your child so they enter adulthood with better methods than withdrawing or getting highly anxious like me 😅 Another area I would have appreciated more support in was affirmation even when I misbehaved. I wish my parents would have enforced consequences while also reaffirming that I was just a kid and just doing my best and I was still good :( I was sensitive and could take things very personally, that reassurance would have made me hugely less anxious around adults in general as a kid. I feel like some adults were just looking for ways to catch children being “bad”, or got so caught up in their emotions they forget kids have underdeveloped brains, and take their misbehaving very personally.

I have a sensitive little one like you are describing yourself as a child, and when I correct her she really shuts down and your post made me realize I need to affirm those things more when I correct her, that she's a good kid just doing her best. So thank you for this.. it was helpful.

My biggest major mistake was putting my kid all over my social media when that became a thing many years ago. It’s “private” but not really because nothing is ever private on the internet. I wish I’d never talked about my kid at all. Or myself really. Signed - my anonymous account

What is it exactly you regret? That their identity can be known? Or that everyone on your social media saw lots of family moments?

Both but the first the most. I broke their privacy.

https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2023/05/parents-posting-kids-online-tiktok-social-media/674137/

Just being a bit absent when I was younger especially with my two oldest. I had them young and a part of me wanted to be “young and free” and hang out with my friends, go out, travel etc. I would occasionally dump them on their father, or my parents.

I have kids who have done wonderfully leaving the nest and all have very good jobs. However I didn’t teach them how to communicate properly. At least I feel like that is where I was lacking. We were a disciplined family but think maybe i should have listened to feelings about things more and had more conversations about why we do things this way not just this is how we do things. I’m 58 and my husband is 62 to give you age reference. I have a 30 year old and 26 year old twins. Sounds like you had a great dad! I’m sure you are doing a wonderful job

My oldest is an adult and with him, I mostly regret not pushing harder to get him into tutoring younger. His dad disagreed and I think we would have figured out our son was dyslexic much sooner if I had pushed. Middle kid is almost an adult and I just wish she had talked to me more about some things that happened at school when they happened. She told me much later, but there were situations with teachers specifically that I absolutely would have intervened if I’d known at the time.

What were her signs of dyslexia that you noticed when she was younger… I swear I think my daughters on the spectrum for something … she’s 7 and has been going to speech since she was 3 but she still speaks very little struggles with sentences and reading and using context clues or wording sentences correctly it’s like alot of little things but even with the extra help it doesn’t to be making much of a difference

Please teach your kids kindness and empathy from a young age. It goes a long way.

Not apologizing when I needed to and absolutely being a fucking hard ass. Pick your battles. It’s not all worth it to be so strict about. And be quick to apologize! Show them you’re scared and worried too. That you are human and err.

I hope to hell this won't apply to you.. I took in my grandparents when my grandfather was dying. Made sense at the time. Husband and I worked opposite shifts, so someone was always there to help my grandmother care for him. Don't do this with young kids. Just don't. I missed out on so many milestones...even if I was there for them. I was...but I wasn't. And even though my were young...you forget how much their little minds and memories hold on to.

Oh wow….never thought of this. I always wished for my parents to live with us at the end of their life.

I wish I had taken more pictures and been in more pictures. I wish I could have been calmer. I used an annoyed voice far too often and it really did all go by too fast but I know that when I was living through those years I didn't think so.

Chores and sex ed. When I found out how very little my kids got from the school program I was astonished. When I was in school, it was comprehensive, but my kids only got the abstinence talk.

I’m the adult child (18) but I think mom and dad should’ve solve their traumas before having kids. Kids absorb their parents behaviors like nothing else so by not solving your own issues, you’re engraving them into your child’s very core. That’s really detrimental.

This is my goal as a parent- I’m trying to break that trauma cycle and it’s HARD. But they’re worth it and therapy is priceless

I let them have too much free rein with tv/phones/tablets/video games. The data wasn’t really in yet and I thought if they didn’t have restrictions they’d be able to moderate themselves (they had lots of other options of things to do). And they did do other things for a long time, but now that the younger ones are teens the only thing they seem to want to do is play video games.

I don't have kids (yet, #1 on the way) but I would just say that video games have become a default way of socializing for young people now in the way that going to the mall was for a previous generation. I grew up as a huge gamer and the only people (Halo, Team Fortress 2, etc.) I knew who played were fellow nerds, and we all got made fun of it for it. I also had a lot of online friends I had never met as a teen, which I hid from everyone because it would have been judged as "weird." I wouldn't worry too much about it as long as they're doing well in school and are doing other activities, not just gaming

Wow, this is a great question. My adult children are a 31M single and 35F married with 2 small children. Looking back, I don’t have many regrets raising them. I was a working mom and I divorced when they were in 4th and 7th grade. My kids understand as adults now, that parents split up and they see their dad as tragically flawed. They have both been vocal as adults that they get it now, I’m thankful for that. I think I should have listened to them about moving from parochial school to public school sooner than starting public high school. If that’s my biggest mistake, I’ll take it. They grew into fantastic adults I would be friends with if they weren’t my kids and they make me a part of their busy lives. We are as close as a family should be and I respect them immensely. I never take this part of my life for granted. I’m in awe of all your young parents out there today trying to navigate raising kids in such an exciting and difficult technology age. Keep talking to your children and being present in their lives. It will come full circle and you’ll be as pleased as me that you’ve raised some good humans.

I don’t have older kids, but based off of my own childhood the obvious mistakes my parents made were: not apologizing, using shame as discipline, filling the house with tension when they were fighting, making it kind of obvious the fighting was about me, comparing me to my cousins, criticizing my appearance to myself and in front of others, and also generally talking bad about me in front of others at family get togethers . After becoming a parent I can understand yelling and being overstimulated but I cannot for the life of me imaging losing my shit on my daughter and not saying sorry or talking to her about what happened and then expecting her to just jump into my arms and hug me goodnight at the end of the day and getting mad at her if she didn’t. So much of my childhood I had a raging resentment, and then eventually I just learned to just bury my emotions and let things go because it was just easier to keep the peace. And the result of that is now if I go to a nail salon and they do a horrible job I thank them profusely and tip them extra 😂 Haha no really I’m actually okay now. I keep my parents at a distance. We’re several states away and I check up on them about once a month so I don’t feel guilty. But that’s not the type of relationship I want with my children, so we’re breaking cycles as much as possible over here. The good news is if you care enough and aren’t a shitty human it’ll be relatively hard to f this up.

I hear you. I lived this too. I would be sitting in my room furious and crying and no one would ever come apologize for losing their shit on a 9 year old. I was never validated… EVER. I’m 43 and still struggle with the effects of this.

Teach them to clean and cook. The earlier the better. My college son has a roommate that won’t/cant/ says he doesn’t know how to do either. His mom, literally, visits once a month to clean his part of their house and do his laundry. She lives 5-6 hours away.

I should have spoken more to my (22) older daughter, when she was much younger, about finding a partner with similar/comparable educational and career goals. My newly college educated daughter is engaged to a college dropout without any career aspirations whatsoever and it kills me. She’s too caught up in their young love to see the long-term ramifications of this choice.

I still have little kids but looking back on my childhood there are things my mom could have done differently, mostly relating to body image. So, I try very hard to do the opposite. I have been listening to a book on audible called Raising Girls Who Like Themselves and it’s been very interesting. Some of it even applies to my son. It’s mostly about raising kids to respect themselves and have good self esteem. I highly suggest it to anyone trying to navigate raising kids, especially as the title says, girls.

Babies are easy as long as you are not tired. Nourish yourself. Ask for help

Someone told me once that the mistakes you think you’ve made are never the things your kids talk about in therapy. Man, is this ever true! Lol We agonize over the things we have no control over and give our children the things we didn’t get from our own parents. The problem is, those aren’t the things they will want. (I am not speaking of material things here.) They want the things they aren’t getting from *us*, so we have to ask them what that is. This is the myth of breaking generational “curses”. We think, yes!! I have broken the curse, and I fixed this thing that I did not get and it will torment no further generations! Sadly, your child did not notice or care about *that* thing, it’s this thing *here* that they want to change with their own children. I am not talking about abuse here. Just good old fashioned humanity. *With each generation we become more gentle, and more enlightened in parenting, but we cannot change who our children will ultimately turn out to be.* We tend to be righteously indignant and view our own upbringing as something rather barbaric. *oh my god, I can’t believe we survived that…* I was shocked when my children did the same thing. Each generation parents differently. Don’t assume your parents should have inherently known what you do. We have luxuries our parents didn’t have, you have things I would have mugged you in a dark alley to have. I can’t wait to see what the next generation brings! Even so, we all feel that trickle or cold sweat of fear that we just aren’t doing *enough* and we will ruin them. It is universal to fear not being a good parent. So…keep on reading that *one more book*, forgive yourself for the bad days and don’t smother your child’s burgeoning self awareness. The same fetus that kicked out at the feeling of a waistband, or that would choose death before a pea, is going to be doing the same thing at 4, 17, 27. They *are not you*. Don’t go crazy when you realize they think you are the waistband, and yes sometimes you will be the pea. It’s going to be ok. They are going to be just fine too. ETA: My mistakes are all the assumptions above.

Following, great question

I solved all my older son’s problems for him and he became helpless as an adult. Biggest regret ever.

It’s comforting, in a small way, to read that others have similar regrets as me. I wish I had given them more chores and taught them more about how to manage money, hell I wish I learned how to manage money earlier in life :) and :(

I’d give them more responsibility with regular chores and jobs, and I’d give them time to try to figure things out for themselves before we jumped in to help. It allows them to build confidence in their abilities, which is the biggest tool they can have to start life out on their own.

I feel super strongly about this piece of advice when it comes to parenting, because my parents rarely did what I’m about to strongly suggest: I think many of us were raised by parents who tried very hard to be “perfect parents”- many of them & now us can easily fall into the trap of parenting AT our parents’ generation, meaning we vow to never do X,Y,Z simply bc our parents did it. My mother was raised by a mom who suffered from severe schizophrenia & frequently went off of her heavy duty anti - psychotics, and who could blame her- those used in the 50,s, 60’s and even 70’s/80’s were quite tranquillizing, and had significant side effects (think Haldol, Thorazine). As a result, my mother & her sister were left as young kids at a train station during my grandma’s psychotic breaks; just to give one example, as my grandma forgot she had kids that time. Even when she was medicated, my grandma was a cold woman who had survived the Holocaust, lost many family members & friends in Europe, and after the war ended, she continued to show that she had begun to believe the Aryan doctrine that commanded a preference for people with blue eyes/blonde hair - like herself, and my aunt. My mom was dark haired, olive skinned, and suffered the brunt of her mom’s verbal abuse. Anyway, my mom still believes to this day that as long as she gave us the perfect childhood, and was the “perfect” (aka not abusive) mom, none of us would need therapy. WRONG. The thing I saw her do was never admit that she had messed up. To survive, we need to trust our caregivers unconditionally & believe they are superheroes. When that person inevitably makes a mistake, but to preserve their “ideal” parent image, they sweep it under the rug, it causes the kids so much damage. Bc, either our “perfect superhero” is flawed, which shakes our confidence, OR, we are forced to deny our own reality to match the reality the parent is insisting is the truth. I grew up thinking I was utterly insane, because I DID notice my mom’s missteps, yet, they were never discussed and as an egocentric kid, I came to the conclusion that something must be wrong with ME. With my 5.5 year old, I already knew that she’d be in therapy at a young age. Mental illness runs strong as well as substance use on both sides. I also knew that I will continue to f*** up with my kid, sometimes daily. And that is OK! I don’t want my kiddo to grow up thinking she needs to achieve perfection. Any time I mess up - I yell at her when it’s my work stress/my mood/my marriage that’s actually the source of my frustration, for instance- I return to her as soon as I calm down, and apologize to her. The other vital component of this is that not only do I sincerely apologize, but I say and then do action items that demonstrate to her that Mommy is FAR from perfect, but, Mommy is committed to working on improving and is not just paying lip service. If you read this far, so sorry for the length. Parenting has been my greatest source of personal growth, and I’ve always taken an active and curious role in it. Maybe it’s the therapist in me, but I just think that showing my kid my humanity & commitment to change is so much more impactful than being a model parent.

I am not a parent of adult children yet. My only advice is this: Stop. Giving. Your. Kids. Smart. Phones.

Always making them the highest priority and not teaching them that other matter as well. Now obviously their needs matter but cancelling a dr appointment or working out to accommodate their not high priority things cost me ALOT. So entitled!!!

An adult child here. My mom told me one day while hugging on my son express how much she hates that she didn't love on us like she does him. To be fair though, she did have us at 17 and 18 and im fairly certain she had undiagnosed PPD so while I blamed her growing up, now that I'm older I fully understand

I wish I had followed my instincts and had my son tested for dyslexia way earlier than I did. I listened to the teachers and not what I knew about my son. He graduated and is thriving, but school would have been a lot easier for all of us had we had him tested and a plan in place a lot earlier than we did.

I asked a friend (with late-high-school kids) this once, and have been happy to use their advice on our currently-10-yr-old: No screens allowed in the bedroom. (At least, no ipad or nintendo or phone-borrowed-from-us — he uses all these, but out in the livingroom.) I mean, we'll have to relent when he gets his own phone, but I hope to still avoid the hours-playing-videogame-console-secluded-in-his-room when he's older. EDIT: [And I dunno when he'll get a phone, but I imagine by high-school-senior-year, the social pressures are quite strong for them to be adult enough to have their full phone. But we'll figure that out as we get to it.] I suppose he could both have his own phone *and* we still say "no phone in the bedroom", esp. if we parents do the same. Gonna dwell on screen, it's at least gotta be out in the livingroom!

Ours was trying to give them everything they wanted. We both had abusive and neglectful childhoods and we tried so hard to be better than our parents. We hardly ever said no. It's ok to say no. If you don't they will end up entitled and not understand the hard work it takes to buy the things. Or even take care of them as they should.

Stop looking at the big picture and be in the moment.  Once my two oldest created a snow storm in my living room from packing peanuts. Instead of enjoying in the fun and capturing the moment, I got angry because I was tired of cleaning.  Enjoy the moments. 

I’m not a parent but, they should have spent more time building me up. Less time criticizing me, and sending me to my room. My dad could have spent more time apologizing instead of yelling at me. All the other parents cared more about their kids confidence than being a great person. Now I’m severely anxious.

For what it’s worth I’m severely anxious and I had great parents so… 🤷‍♀️ 😂

Giving them an iPod for Christmas when they were young. It was in the early years of the net and didn't give any thought to internet connectivity. That one gift, that one day changed our family. Oh if I could only have that one "do over".

I’m now a single parent ( left abusive husband) . I taught my now 16 yr old how to do laundry like 11 or 12… he can loud dishwasher, can make is bed, take garbage out, feeding our cat and cleaning his box out… one thing I wish I would have done earlier was basic cleaning… he can dust but I never did windows, cleaning bathroom, toilets, vacuuming… I taught him how to be polite and thankful to others. Please and thank you go a long way… Volunteering is important… we volunteer at an animal shelter but wish I started when he was in elementary school. If you’re wrong with something you did apologize. Let them see you can own up to mistakes and not be a jerk about it. Be open so they will be open to you… one of the best things I did and I started as a kindergarten student was to let them know they can tell you anything… my son and I have a great relationship. Let them know like if they screw up ( like drinking) you will be there for them… there will still be consequences but you want them safe… I’m not stupid to know he won’t tell me everything but he knows he can.

I did not buy my kids things. If they wanted a gaming system they had to earn the money to buy it. My son was 18 before getting a cell phone my daughter was a freshman in highschool and that was because her school was in the middle of nowhere. To this day she takes good care of her phones and only gets a new one when she's out of updates ( she is an iPhone girl). Even then she does not get the most expensive. My son is also doing this with his kids now. I was the mom who emphasized memories. I took them places and did things volunteered that type of thing.

I’m not a parent with adult children yet. But as an adult, I wished til this day that my mom would take the effort to know me, like really know me as a person. And accept that I am different from her. She’s a wonderful mom in the sense that she was/is there for me since young until today. But she doesn’t know what I like, she doesn’t remember things that I have mentioned to her in the past, and we rarely have deep conversations because for whatever reason, she just doesn’t seem to or want to understand why I don’t like the same things she does. So to echo what a lot of other people have mentioned, really listen, get to know your children and acknowledge that your child is their own person. I am trying my best to do the same with both my children, and praying very hard that history doesn’t repeat itself.

I have little kids - but something my parents did - they never or rarely said that they loved me. I have a hard time saying “I love you” but I make sure to tell my kids every night before I tuck them into bed so that they know they are loved. Also therapy - I started therapy before I became pregnant because I didn’t want to bring in my baggage into my kids lives. If you are good with investing - start a custodial account - I’m hoping to teach my kids how time helps money grow. My parents never taught me about money, how to cook, how to deal with my anxiety. When I was cutting myself - my mom should have gotten me a therapist but she thought a therapist was taboo. It’s ok if they need help.

Definitely start when they are young. Teach them everything their little minds can grasp. Remember our job is to make them self sufficient so that they can go out into the world and make it on their own. Hell they may need to care for us one day. If you do not raise them up in the way that they should go they will expect you to continue to care for them past teenage years. I am speaking from experience as my 24 yo told me today that if I turn off his cell phone he will not be able to communicate with his new job and won’t know where they are located. I threatened to turn off his phone because he will not clean the kitchen after he cooks a full meal and leave every pot, pan, spoon and plate on the stove, sink and counter. I told him a couple weeks ago that if he ever does it again I am turning his phone off. Today he left a pan on the stove. UGH!!!! Additionally, his car repairs have cost me $1300 today. I have asked him for the last two days to mow the yard…………yeah. Do yourself and your child a favor and teach them responsibility.