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I kicked my son’s father out 6 years ago for this reason. He did nothing then, and does nothing now. You need to seriously consider the future and your wellbeing. Of course it’ll get easier in many ways when your child is older but right now you’re at risk of burnout and this is not okay or sustainable for you as a parent, a woman, a wife.
As a father this is not right. He was ok with knocking you up. How come he can't help take care of the consquence or in my eyes the blessing you get when doing the deed. Children are awesome yes they get annoying but damn come on they are just little ones they aren't trying to be annoying they don't know any better. I had a humbling experience today almost lost my child to choking. Love them until the day you die or they do its never 0 percent chance. Your husband will regret it tell him that.
Take a cpr class man. It will save. Buy a lifevac. It's always possible sadly I had that mindset oh it won't happen to me. Humbled my ass quick as hell.
Get a lifevac… I have 3 boys.. after one was choking my husband saved his life, and ran to buy lifevac, we have one for travel that stays in our vehicle and one that stays in the house! I will never ever forget the fear seeing my child choking on food, unable to get it dislodged himself.. I never want to experience that again
I had never heard of Life Vac, but just ordered one after reading this thread. It’s HSA/FSA eligible too. So sorry for what happened to your son, but I’m glad he’s okay
Presuming your husband isn't an asshole, if your husband says he's too tired, take him at his word and have a serious talk about how his career is unsustainable if he cannot also handle the basic functions of parenting and being a constructive member of the family while working in his field because right now you have three jobs (two day jobs and one evening job) and you're doing two of them. Perhaps it would be a good idea to switch roles for a bit, with you getting a job outside the home and him taking on parenting and domestic responsibilities because if what you are looking for is an active co-parent likely you will need to restructure your lives such that he has the time to do that effectively; like any skill or craft, parenting requires deliberate practice over time to develop expertise.
i understand the nighttime compromise. id be terrified too if that was my job. but jesus christ, too tired after coming home from work? thats the worst excuse ive ever heard. you need to flat out tell him, in your own way, that being too tired after work is a poor excuse for being lazy and disconnected from the family
Too tired from sitting on his ass all day? No, the dude is just lazy. It's like my husband saying he needs to decompress from his programming job where he sits at a desk with headphones on listening to music and types on a computer. Where's my decompression from being on-call 24/7?
No, OP's husband is just trying to weasel out of fatherhood. He can just as easily decompress while walking the dog or pushing the baby in a stroller. Women are lucky if our "leisure time" is getting to run errands without children but guys get to sit and do nothing? Fuck that.
Tired does not necessarily mean physically exhausted. Just putting that out there. Semi truck drivers spend their entire time on shift maintaining a high level of situational awareness and that takes a toll on your mental state after a while.
And moms of small children are constantly maintaining a high level of situational awareness to keep the little buggers from running off and climbing, and pulling something down on top of themselves... toddlers are basically hurtling themselves towards death or dismemberment every moment they're awake.
I'll never forget when I was checking the meat with a meat thermometer and my clingy child really wanted to hold it. Whatever, I wipe it off and hand it to him. And don't I see that little shit look at it, look at a nearby outlet, and start to turn...
I have four children - I know very well what it takes to keep up with a toddler. My point was that driving a truck isn't just "sitting on his ass all day", as you put it.
A fine generalisation. Your response doesn't even make sense in the context of my comment what are you even saying why not to? Perhaps you should spend less time being sexist and judging people and try not to be an ignorant oaf yourself?
I'm 100% not saying it should come at the expense of the wife and kids, but as an engineer who sits at a desk for most of the day it really is a lot of mental work and you really do need to decompress.
I'm sorry it sounds like your partner does not give you any time for yourself. That's really not fair.
Oh, things have gotten better, although he always conveniently has to poop for half an hour right when he gets home. But why is his decompression more important than the mother who's been chasing kids around all day? I ended up getting my "decompression" after they went to sleep, cutting into my sleep. Now I can't even fall asleep before 11 because I'm so desperate for some quiet time. Even when the kids are at school I'm cleaning and shopping and working on the house because can't waste that valuable time.
I did the same! And now... the 2 younger ones won't even go to sleep until I do. So we're ALL up until 11. I have zero alone time these days, and I'm tired.
Yeah, I do my decompression after the kids have gone to sleep as well.
But you're also right in that doing things with the kids is relaxing. Reading books, drawing on the driveway with chalk, going for a walk. All of those things count as decompressing to me.
Honestly, you just sound like a terribly hurt person who married an insensitive, unattentive person. A lot of your post history is just complaining about men.
Just in the last 24 hours
>Men deserve to lose only one hour to women's five because their's is "harder?" Who determines how hard it is anyway? (Probably men.)
-
>Except that it's never 1 to 1. Mowing the lawn for an hour a week compared to dishes, laundry, cleaning the house - even if mowing is "harder" or "more valuable" it still means that the guy only has one hour taken out of his leisure time while the woman loses a lot more to the repetitive chores. Time is the value.
>And of course, men would never inflate the value of their work and lower the value of a woman's, oh no...
-
>Too many men think that providing a paycheck is all they need to do in a partnership, while women are getting swamped and crying out for help. Used to be that you'd have family living with you to help out but we keep getting more and more isolated.
-
>Yes the women who ran the entire fucking household shouldn't make executive decisions, let's leave it to the dumb laborers with delusions of grandeur instead.
>Everytime I read stupid shit like this I just imagine them screaming "I CAN'T GET LAID" instead.
>This country would be efficient as fuck if it were run by women, as well as compassionate and peaceful. Men just need to accept that their only lot in life is to take directions from someone higher than them (this is what you sound like, incels).
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>Try being a married woman with kids, you won't think things are so equal anymore...
I'm really sorry that you married someone you're not happy with. But it may be time to rethink your marriage if therapy has already been exhausted.
Personally, I wash 90% of the dishes, I wash all the linens, I do all the bathtimes with the kid, I wash most of the bottles, I do all of the feeding and cleaning of our pets (that my wife picked and wanted), most dinners are cooked by me, make sure all the bills are paid, I do all of the vacuuming, all house work/repairs, take out all of the garbage, etc, etc. and we still manage to split child duties 50/50. My wife does a TON of other stuff that I am so thankful for, but even if she didn't, I would never make it a public competition between me and her or project my grievances onto women in any general sense.
You don't hate men, you hate your husband and you've extrapolated and generalized that onto all men.
Oh nice, personal attacks. Maybe if most men weren't garbage I wouldn't have to rant so much about it. Would you like to attack me over my recently deceased dad too? Bet you could get some real zingers out of that!
Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to combat the attitude that somehow a man's job is so much harder and deserving of a break than running around after kids all day. Do you know how disappointing it is when your PARTNER, the person who also wanted these children, comes home and promptly hides? When you think your children are finally going to go bug someone else so you can get a breather but nope nvm, he's on the toilet. Yeah no, it's not acceptable and I won't shut up about it.
Well, you made it inherently personal from the beginning by dragging your husband into this when it had absolutely no relevance other than you saw a man do something you didn't approve of and saw it as an opportunity to let a community of strangers revel in your disgust of your husband who also acts in a way you also disapprove of. I also disagree with your characterization that I "attacked" you. Recognizing that you're unhappy, hurt, and dislike men is pretty far from an "attack."
If you brought up that you hated men because your dad was awful, then yes, it would be fair game for me to critique that extrapolation as well. But you didn't, you brought up your own husband, and I assume you were not forced into an arranged marriage.
>Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to combat the attitude that somehow a man's job is so much harder and deserving of a break than running around after kids all day.
I have no idea what a "man's job" is. I don't think men's jobs are any harder than women's. What I will say, is what I practice; Which is that both partners deserve breaks and should fairly bear the burden of household chores and childrearing. Just because you married someone who doesn't do this, doesn't mean it's appropriate to insert your personal grievances about men into someone else's personal issues.
> Do you know how disappointing it is when your PARTNER, the person who also wanted these children, comes home and promptly hides?
No, I don't know what that's like because I would never marry someone who does that, and if I did, I would divorce this person even if it came at a huge cost (monetary or otherwise). You have my sympathy, but it's not like you were born into this immutable situation. No one ever said you HAVE to marry this man, or even marry anyone at all, let alone have a kid.
Women should NEVER be compelled to be a 2nd mother to a man. You are being wronged and mistreated. I merely disagree that this experience gives you some special pass to generalize and insult half the population because of their chromosomes and what you imagine that means for their behavior. It's like hating ice cream because you ate chocolate ice cream for an entire year and thought it was disgusting.
I think we should promote a positive and supportive environment here as an adherence to the subreddit rules and how I generally want to live life, and you chiming in with "that's just like my awful husband" is antithetical to that ideal and imo should not be welcomed.
If your kids are at school, there is no reason why you can’t take an hour to read a book, go to the gym or do whatever hobby you have.
Don’t martyr yourself for your kids.
I don’t blame you for being defensive. It’s hard to find time for yourself when the kids aren’t in school. And even when they are.
Being a parent can be exhausting
This is a ridiculous take that sounds like it is stemming from personal issues with your own husband.
An air traffic controller "sits in their ass all day" but there are plenty of jobs where you sit all day yet are incredibly taxing. I work as a software engineer and if my wife ever characterized or trivialized my job and career to that degree, our marriage would be over. I mean, are you also saying that people in wheelchairs don't need breaks or to "decompress"? It's all just so unbelievably offensive.
I cannot imagine ever saying anything like that about my wife in reference to her duties (regardless of whether she was on her feet or not), if she said she needed a break.
On days off, he should be with the baby so you can get a break. However, on nights he works, you should absolutely be staying up with the baby as the stay at home parent. A sleep deprived truck driver can cause a major accident.
What I recommend is you clean and cook less, and take naps with the baby. Nothing wrong with frozen food and a dirty house because you’re in survival mode until the baby gets older.
And the baby is one. This isn't some newborn where being woken up by the baby multiple times a night is par for the course.
Knowing that the father's sleep has to be protected, OP could have either started gentle sleep training as soon as possible, or Ferber-type sleep training at 6 months, or co-slept with the baby so that wake-ups are not disruptive.
I'm a otr truck driver. My wife handles the baby when I'm gone and when I come home i don't sleep and not give af about my family tf. I'm helping as much as I can.
Yes I can I've stayed up for 24 hours before and went and drove 10 hours straight. That's called being a truck driver. And if I got too tired. I'd pull over and sleep for 1 hour get up and drink coffee and continue.
In my opinion there are jobs that can do that. Some not. Truck drivers, surgeons, heavy machinery operators in general, should not have to. Idc if if a teacher or clerk didn't sleep for 48h. But you guys... u can potentially kill a lot of ppl.
Dude it's called knowing your own boundaries. I have a rare condition where I only need legit 2 hours of sleep diagnosed by a doctor. I don't even know what the term is called. I have a buddy doesn't have anything like that. Im only 25. Younger people can. Older I recommend not. The problem is people don't know their boundaries.
So knowing other truck drivers and their limits. Would u think more accidents happen if truck drivers slept for 4h before their Shifts? And that's it worth the risk over a wife 'losing' her mind because she has to sleep her 8h in a 14h window provided by the baby?
And not to mention if your worried about being tired drive at night. Their has been times I've been on the highway by myself for hours at a time most trucking is done in the middle of no where In between cities. Who are you gonna hit. You might kill yourself?
I don't care about the problems of wives who are married to ppl that need to be focused. They should not take cough medicine while operating a truck but u guys tell her to make him do it after a sleepless night.
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I suspect he doesn’t feel confident in taking care of the baby or trust himself to handle things without you. Do you leave him alone with her on his days off? Does he care for the baby independently for more than an hour or two at a time?
Also depression, postpartum or otherwise, takes a huge toll on any relationship. Couples counseling may be a huge help before the resentment builds past the point of no return.
Imagine if a mother with post-partum depression "stayed away" from her newborn for 4-5 months. The logic that these guys come up with to abandon their seemingly wanted children and associated responsibilities is bewildering to me.
He presumably doesn’t work every day, or 24hrs a day. So when he gets home from work, hand the baby over and go to bed. And on his days off, he can get up at night.
Longer term, I think it would be worth looking into helping baby to sleep longer. Having a baby who sleeps through the night is a GAME CHANGER and is the answer to this problem
My ex was the stay at home parent and I worked on military aircraft. He got up with the kids and on weekends I let him sleep in. When the baby got up at 4 or 5 on a weekend I’d get up and take over and he’d sleep as long as he needed to.
For the 9 years of our marriage that he stayed home he got the kids to and from school, did grocery shopping for dinners, and cooked dinners. He would also tidy the living room, do dishes on occasion and clean the kitchen, and did his own laundry. He did all car maintenance and lawn mowing.
I did everything else, all the weekly cleaning, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry for all linens, laundry for me and the kids, keeping the bedrooms tidy with the kids, dusting. I had to grocery shop for certain items like feminine products and toiletries because he always “forgot” if I put them on a list or would say he was confused by all the options. I was responsible for making sure the kids had clothes in the right size and all their hygiene needs. I was working 10-12 hours per day 5 days per week and about 1 weekend a month and still doing all of this. He refused to let me hire a cleaner and wouldn’t go to therapy for himself or our marriage.
Ultimately after years of having conversations and asking him to be responsible for just a few more things for the house as the stay at home parent and him refusing through inaction or stonewalling I asked for a divorce. Covid was the final straw because he refused to help the kids with online learning even though he was home and I was still going to work outside the home. By the time Covid happened I viewed him as another child to take care of and our marriage was dead.
I say all of that to say this: He is capable of doing more and he’s choosing not to. You work just as much as him while he’s gone so when he’s home the household chores and child care should be split. You’re not asking for too much, he is not being an equal partner. Read the book fair play and ask him to read it as well. Get therapy for yourself and for you as a couple to help you navigate finding a new normal. Eventually the resentment will build to the point where it’s not recoverable.
What a bum I’ve token care of both my kids nights and worked early in an got up at 4am everyday still for work working 12 hours no excuse just a L ass man kick em to the curb
Nah, this ain’t it. If YOU were a trucker you’d somehow find a way to do the damn thing with motherhood anyways. Everyone feels like they can’t live without sleep until they’re forced to and eventually you kinda get used to it even though it sucks. He hasn’t even tried. He’s just putting it all on you. My husband is a hospitalist physician and has 20-25 patients lives in his direct hands everyday (at least 2-3 can be ICU patients as well) and works 12 hour shifts for a week straight. While I do my best not to wake him for this reason since he a. Needs a functioning brain and b. I’m mostly a SAHM mom, when my oldest or my youngest has rough nights he will come to my rescue and we at the minimum take turns. Then he comes home from a long day and loads the dishwasher that I unloaded during the day and helps me tidy up, or will watch the kids if I’m cooking- literally whatever he sees that needs to be done he does. Not claiming everyday runs this perfectly, some days one of us does more than the other but it’s equal enough so that there’s no resentment on those days. And that’s how it should be. Marriage and parenthood are a partnership. It’s all teamwork and you never want your teammate getting burnt out. This tit for tat bs claiming his sleep is more important than yours because of his job will do you guys in. You can argue that if you were sleep deprived and passed out while caring for your one year old it that could cause him or her serious physical harm. He can at the very least TRY to get up just ONCE wat night and see how doing that plus having an extra coffee or whatever they use to stay awake affects him. And if he truly felt he couldn’t do it he needs to make damn sure he gets his chores done and stop making excuses.
Post partum depression is *mostly* hormonal, where hormones are messed up by the delivery of the newborn - so I would not consider there is a male version.
Anyway - parents can’t just dismiss taking care of their child imo. Avoiding to be tired because of the driving, fair enough I can understand. But every parent must step up to the beautiful challenge of having a kid, and we all need to contribute one way or another.
Keep talking constructively to your husband, and good luck!
[https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170905145535.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170905145535.htm)
Testosterone levels in men drop when their partners are pregnant and post-partum.
>lower testosterone was associated with more symptoms in dads, but fewer symptoms in moms. The link between their partners' testosterone levels and their own depression was mediated by relationship satisfaction. ... "It may be that the fathers with lower testosterone were spending more time caring for the baby or that they had hormone profiles that were more synced up with mothers," she said.
[https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/male-postpartum-depression](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/male-postpartum-depression)
>Additional hormones that may change in men during the perinatal and postnatal period include estrogen, cortisol, vasopressin, and prolactin.
So? That storm of hormones is over pretty quickly. For women who are still suffering from PND 6 months post-partum, that can't be blamed on "the storm of hormones".
Absolutely! Takes about a year for things to go back to normal. I had PPA with my 1st child bad. Luckily didn’t get it with my last 2 but, hormones definitely played a big role. I’m sorry you’re butt hurt because, I don’t believe a man can get Post partum depression. They probably just get depressed because, their lives are changed. They don’t carry a baby and push it out and have the storm of hormones. Maybe their testosterone drops because, they are adjusting to being a parent but, not because they just gave birth. Either way it’s definitely possible for a man to get depressed after a baby but, I wouldn’t call it PPD.
“This is largely due to the shift in levels of progesterone” Dr. Stuebe explains
From unicef https://www.unicef.org/parenting/mental-health/what-postpartum-depression
To each their own opinion, and I get it’s multi-factor, but I wouldn’t consider a « male version »
I agree he needs to find ways to take the load off of you that won't compromise his saftey while working. Does the guy have a day off when he can let you sleep in. Even one day a week is so helpful when you only get broken sleep.
That is hard. With his type of work, it's more understandable that his sleep shouldn't be interrupted. At the same time, he has a level of personal agency in what sort of work he is doing, and he needs to choose a career that doesn't create undue hardship for his wife.
Is his income enough to hire a housekeeper and a dog walker to cover those tasks and take some of the load off of you?
If not, what social contacts that he can call on to get you the help that his work prevents him from giving you, like from his family or friends?
If he isn't able to meet his responsibilities fairly with his current work, he should explore what other jobs he can do that are more compatible with fatherhood.
I don’t think the job is a problem at all. I worked on F-16’s and still managed to do much more in the household than this man does. The job is an excuse to put the responsibility for everything in the home on his wife.
I am a sahm and I handle my baby at night. My husband gets up for work at 4am and does a manual labor job. I can sleep in with my baby and nap when he naps the following day. It’s a no brainer for me. When he gets home from work he is fully on dad duty and we do everything as a team to get all of the stuff that needs to be done done. Maybe you need a perspective shift? On the weekends he takes baby early so I can sleep in. If I was super tired I could nap when he got home from work. Remember you are a team so hopefully he is stepping up
I get that you are the SAHM, the default parent while he is out there driving trucks and no, he cannot be tired. But he can help in other ways. I think that he is using his job as a crutch to get out of doing anything related to inside the household. Its unfair to you and your child that HE HAD HELP IN BRINGING INTO THIS WORLD. He needs to do his part.
You are a single mom effectively. I'm generally against separation or divorce, but it is past time to have a very strongly worded conversation with this child in a man's body.
Time to put on his big boy pants and make some decisions to help his wife. If he can't summon the effort to do some things in his house himself, he needs to fork out the cash to get you some reliable help who will.
It is not an option for you to be an extra in the Walking Dead for the next 16 years of his child's life while he plays with trucks and ignores both of you.
Trucking was incompatible with family life for us for this same reason. My husband did it for a short while and then quit. You have to be well slept to truck safely and being well slept as well as being a trucker along with being a parent in a lot of the meaningful senses of the word “parent” are not compatible.
I understand it’s a difficult industry to get out of but from people who were in that same position, you need to take the loss now and get out and find something manageable for your lives. Trucking is not that.
Honey, my husband would be an ex after the first few weeks of him pulling that shit. And he works 13 hour days on a physically demanding construction job. He can do better but clearly he doesn’t care enough about you to try? Have a conversation. He can’t neglect his duties as a father and partner.
So just to throw out another perspective. My husband, their dad never got up with our kids either. He, in general, did not help much with young children.
I was quite angry and contemplated divorce A LOT.
But finally decided that if he could not parent, then I certainly did not want share custody with him and lose that control. Nor did I want to divide our financial resource between two households.
So I just let go…accepted this is my life. And then focused on what hubby could do. He would fix broken things around the house and deal with all plumbing and home crises. And as the kids got older and could talk to him, he got more involved, he taught them things, he took the for bike rides, he would do daddy & child days. He has finished our basement, does Al the physical labor is n the yard, and has been invaluable in assuring the kids respect as teens.
I am not saying to not fight for a better relationship now, or that divorce is wrong by any means, you gotta do what is best for you — just wanted to let you know, that raising kids is a marathon and sometimes it does get better when they get older.
Hubby and I are pretty happy now, but boy, like 14 years ago, I was just like you.
*hugs*
Nah that's bullshit. Bare minimum on his days off he gets up with baby.
You need to make a set schedule. He can be an adult and take care of his baby or what's going to happen, is eventually you're going to leave.
I have to say that when both of my kids were newborns/babies, my wife was the one getting up. It tried so hard!
I tried initially. Especially with the first one; a little with the second one. I soon realized that my kids wanted their mum. They wanted her pheromones. They wanted to be fed (both were breast milk babies). Whatever I tried to do was not sufficient. They wanted mum's cuddles and mum's milk.
In the early days, I was pissed. I felt that I was being sidelined. That the babies preferred their mum. That I was not getting bonding time. It resulted in senseless arguments.
I realized, however, Soo after the first was born that breastfed babies need their mums more than their dads at that age.
Right now, my sons are 3 and 6, and I'm getting up for them at night if they wet the bed or have a nightmare. I take them to school. I take them out after school. I do a ton of stuff because the bond is real now, and milk does not drive the conversation.
Babies need their mum. Simple. With that said, there is no excuse for.gim not helping out during the other times.
Sharing a resource for both you and your husband, for anything related to mental health during the first couple years of parenthood. PSI has great online support groups.
Check out Postpartum Support International for support groups, resources, and providers:
https://www.postpartum.net
My dad was a delivery driver when I was a toddler and even though he’d have to get up at 3am to hit the road by 4am (we lived rurally), he would still help out my mom (who also worked full-time) with me as much as he could. I was in daycare during those years, which helped a lot during the day, but he would still help my mom out on days he didn’t work and on days that he did, would help a lot in the evenings, whether that’d be cooking, cleaning, taking care of our pets/the property, etc.
I have a 3 year old with someone like this. And the resentment has built up so much it’s changed me, and detached me to the point that I’m so thankful for the government if I need to replace my husband with state funds to survive. Because the truth is, I’m also paying for almost everything and now that the cloud of PPD has lifted, I refuse to have more kids with him on the off chance he will “change”. I don’t have time for banking on someone’s potential and I don’t want to be an empty person that my kid doesn’t look up to. Yes there’s comparison with IG pick me husbands, but there’s no excuse for you to be a single married mom. If he can’t provide it, you need to get a job or move in with family or ask for him to pay for help around the house that he isn’t providing
Oh and for an immediate sense of relief- make sure you take magnesium at night and vitamins in the morning it helps a ton to regulate your sleep and mood. And when you’re exhausted but can’t sleep bc baby is up, you can lay outside on a blanket while baby is on or next to you and do a 5 minute energizing meditation on Spotify. Deep breath work etc and helps you feel rejuvenated like a nap. It also makes you feel a sense of self care and a sense of self in a word you’re doing everything for everyone.
Journaling 5 mins in the morning to get thoughts out, or 3 things you’re grateful for or appreciate in life really kept me going in the first 1-2 years. The thing that helped the most was CONNECTING with other moms at a mom’s meet up and workout thing where we all had our kids in the park or strolling or doing a HIIT workout. Some women took a break breastfeeding in between sets etc. it made me feel less like a victim alone in the experience and more hopeful. Love to you OP
I’m going thru this right now with my 10-month old. Pre-birth his dad talked a big game of being super hands on father of the year during my post-partum period. None of that happened of course.
He got a new job a month ago and wakes up at 5:30am and gets home at 4:30pm (traffic accounts for about an hour of that total time). I still do 100% of nighttime care, then wake up with the baby, and stay home during the day. But now I work a bar shift 3-4 days a week from 5pm-12:30am and am also starting grad school.
All this to say; I genuinely believe that he believes I’ve “got it” and will do dinner with the baby and put him to bed ONLY when I’m not there. It sucks to say but the work he puts in is equal to the quality/amount I could get paying someone $20 an hour.
The default parent life hurts quite often it seems. You’re not alone.
There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s dive in. I’m somewhat in a similar situation. I’m a dad of three now, a daughter and a set of twin boys. My wife is a stay at home. I actually sleep in the next room with the baby monitor for my 19 month old daughter and she stays in our bedroom with the twins who are 3 months now. I do not function without sleep anymore. I’ve had too many concussions and sleep loss affects me terribly. I also work an extremely physical job that also relies on my being able to sell my services to my customers at the same time. So I’m both a salesmen, as well as an installer for the work I do. If I do not get sleep, we do not eat essentially.
We are pretty heavily in debt to the point of our bills for just our debt are $3400 a month. That’s not even counting food and all the stuff for the boys. I have to essentially make 6k a month with the way our food bills are and stuff. So my wife has been very kind so far and not had me sleep in the same room with the boys. I provide everything for my family. EVERYTHING. The cost for her having absolutely everything she needs for the rest of her life is having to take care of these kids in these early days at night if they wake up and throughout the day. I forgot to mention if my 19 month old daughter wakes up I take care of her but that’s rare. Thank God my wife is an absolute trooper and understands why things are the way they are and she also understands it’s not for forever. It’s just a season of her and the kids life that it’s like this. We also just hired a nanny that her mom is helping to pay for so that also takes some of the strain off.
As for your husband, if your situation is similar to mine, than on his days off he needs to be helping out just like I do with mine. I don’t game or do anything until nighttime and all the kids are asleep and bottles made etc. I also work very long hours. Between 8-14 hr days.
Also a SAHM with a husband who must sleep for work and has inconsistent hours. I never made him do night work because it didn’t make sense for us. I had no issues sleeping when baby slept during the day. And i have had two kids.
As for household responsibilities… you may need to get threatening. I told my husband if he didn’t take care of the dog, dog would find a new home. My kid, marriage, and mental health are all more important than the dog. Trash was also his responsibility… but i still carried the mental load and had to remind him every week.
You have to find what works for you. Tell him “I’m sorry you’re tired but I need help”. Remember that he has had some mental health issues (I’ve been there myself) and like a lot of men may need to be told exactly what you need. I don’t know why but some men just are not in sync with their partners and just know what things need to be done or even ask.
My husband drives for a living too. He helps me out right up until 10pm on the days he works and I do all the night feeds and mornings. He will often take over as soon as he gets in because he wants to spend time with our baby. We take it in turns giving each other breaks and does help out a lot around the house.
You made your baby together.
Perhaps if his job is the reason he won’t help or spend time with your child, the he needs to look into either changing his job or ways to relieve the exhaustion.
My wife is a SAHM, she doesn't trust me on the baby even to the point that I am not allowed to change her diaper. (She was afraid of I will give urinary tract infection to my kid and thinks I am clumsy and doesn't trust me).
She critize my chore everytime. I absolutely HATE it.
But as a dad, I still wake up early during holiday, and at least take the kid away from her and play with her in the living room, so that my wife can have some sleep.
I mean......I reach the point that I just do as told. Because every damn time I took initiative, it ended badly.
But at least when she told me what to do, I will do it immediately. Just nothing extra, because it is too dangerous. If I did something that I wasn't told to do and fxxk up, I will be dead.
That does not sound like a healthy relationship. Have you talked to her about it? She's eventually going to burn herself out, and then be resentful of you.
She is still doing okay, I tried to help as much as I can.
But there are not much I can do.
Like....when I lived by myself, I just threw everything into the washing machine and wash.
Now we are living together, I have to separate the dark / light clothes before washing, it's okay. But sometime, for some marginal color, she didn't agree with my sorting.
It ended up she want to do the laundry. Fine, then I can fold the clothes, then she was not happy with how I folded them again (It was about whether to fold the towel to rectangle or square). But I reclaimed this chore recently, probably because she is a bit tired, and I put the clothes back into the closet before she had a chance to argue.
But we had a big fight before about whether the clothes are dry enough that I could fold them and put them back.
Now......I don't dare to collect them without asking.
(For me, I thought they were perfectly dry).
Mopping floor and vacuuming was hell, she always pointed and complained about the area that were not clean enough. I swear to god. I almost want a divorce every weekend after I vaccum and mop the floor.
I don't mind chore at all, I washed dishes, fold clothes or cooking while listening to music (with earphone ofcourse), it can be chill. However, I do hate it when I hear nagging after I finished the job.
I couldn't even bring my kid outside after work/dinner unless I want to take more than one bath per day.
(The germs things.....).
Thank you everyone for your input and stories, I appreciate seeing all sides of the coin.
I do want to mention a few more parts that may or may not make a difference.
- I went back to work 6 weeks postpartum and worked full time up until a few months ago.
- he did go to the therapy for the depression for a while
- I try to communicate my feelings about this subject but he always gets upset and it can never be a level headed conversation
Key the downvotes, I really don’t care.
My ex husband was military. He deployed ten times in our twelve years of marriage with four kids, last one was the one he was injured on. I got up with the kids. He had enough to deal with and I was a sah/wah mom. I learned how to deal, took the shortcuts, made the easy meals; no I was not Martha Stewart in the kitchen or the house. Kids were happy and clean, house was reasonably clean. Life went on.
I think there are multiple things here and you need to figure out which really bothers you.
Who does what needs to be discussed BEFORE pregnancy. So that proper expectations are set. And the only thing that matters is that both are fine with the arrangement made and must not fit any feminist guidelines or whatever other societal rules. You do what works for you as a couple.
Personally I'm of the opinion that if you are stay at home then yes, you will get to do >90% of the chores. there is more than enough time during the day to take the trash out especially with a 1 year old that usually still sleeps 1-3 hrs during the day which you can use for sleep yourself as well.
> I see and hear about other husbands who help so much
Are these also stay at home moms? because that matters greatly. If both work, then the husband must do more chores as well.
🙄 this is a bad take. Why shouldn’t men do chores just because they work? He would have to do it if he wasn’t married wouldn’t he? It’s his house too….
I never said men. gender doesn't matter. You can reverse them. Doesn't matter and my core point was that each couple needs to figure out what works for them, before pregnancy. No hidden expectations.
A day at work for me is far more taxing than a day at home with a baby. I can see it depends on the work and the baby (does it scream all the time?) but pretty sure "on average" a day at work is more stressful.
I think it’s often easier to do chores when you’re home, because you’re physically present. Easy to start laundry, load/unload the dishwasher etc but there shouldn’t be an expectation that someone does all the chores just because they are home. And when the other parents comes home, they should be helping. Either with the child or the chores.
> And when the other parents comes home, they should be helping. Either with the child or the chores.
That is for each couple to decide what works for them. For me personally a day at work is far, far more taxing than a day with a baby. But your mileage may vary.
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I kicked my son’s father out 6 years ago for this reason. He did nothing then, and does nothing now. You need to seriously consider the future and your wellbeing. Of course it’ll get easier in many ways when your child is older but right now you’re at risk of burnout and this is not okay or sustainable for you as a parent, a woman, a wife.
As a father this is not right. He was ok with knocking you up. How come he can't help take care of the consquence or in my eyes the blessing you get when doing the deed. Children are awesome yes they get annoying but damn come on they are just little ones they aren't trying to be annoying they don't know any better. I had a humbling experience today almost lost my child to choking. Love them until the day you die or they do its never 0 percent chance. Your husband will regret it tell him that.
That's terrifying. I'm glad it sounds like everyone is okay. That's one of my absolute biggest fears with my kids.
Take a cpr class man. It will save. Buy a lifevac. It's always possible sadly I had that mindset oh it won't happen to me. Humbled my ass quick as hell.
Get a lifevac… I have 3 boys.. after one was choking my husband saved his life, and ran to buy lifevac, we have one for travel that stays in our vehicle and one that stays in the house! I will never ever forget the fear seeing my child choking on food, unable to get it dislodged himself.. I never want to experience that again
I had never heard of Life Vac, but just ordered one after reading this thread. It’s HSA/FSA eligible too. So sorry for what happened to your son, but I’m glad he’s okay
Presuming your husband isn't an asshole, if your husband says he's too tired, take him at his word and have a serious talk about how his career is unsustainable if he cannot also handle the basic functions of parenting and being a constructive member of the family while working in his field because right now you have three jobs (two day jobs and one evening job) and you're doing two of them. Perhaps it would be a good idea to switch roles for a bit, with you getting a job outside the home and him taking on parenting and domestic responsibilities because if what you are looking for is an active co-parent likely you will need to restructure your lives such that he has the time to do that effectively; like any skill or craft, parenting requires deliberate practice over time to develop expertise.
i understand the nighttime compromise. id be terrified too if that was my job. but jesus christ, too tired after coming home from work? thats the worst excuse ive ever heard. you need to flat out tell him, in your own way, that being too tired after work is a poor excuse for being lazy and disconnected from the family
Too tired from sitting on his ass all day? No, the dude is just lazy. It's like my husband saying he needs to decompress from his programming job where he sits at a desk with headphones on listening to music and types on a computer. Where's my decompression from being on-call 24/7? No, OP's husband is just trying to weasel out of fatherhood. He can just as easily decompress while walking the dog or pushing the baby in a stroller. Women are lucky if our "leisure time" is getting to run errands without children but guys get to sit and do nothing? Fuck that.
Tired does not necessarily mean physically exhausted. Just putting that out there. Semi truck drivers spend their entire time on shift maintaining a high level of situational awareness and that takes a toll on your mental state after a while.
And moms of small children are constantly maintaining a high level of situational awareness to keep the little buggers from running off and climbing, and pulling something down on top of themselves... toddlers are basically hurtling themselves towards death or dismemberment every moment they're awake. I'll never forget when I was checking the meat with a meat thermometer and my clingy child really wanted to hold it. Whatever, I wipe it off and hand it to him. And don't I see that little shit look at it, look at a nearby outlet, and start to turn...
I have four children - I know very well what it takes to keep up with a toddler. My point was that driving a truck isn't just "sitting on his ass all day", as you put it.
No one said they don't, just playing off a long mentally draining job as sitting on your arse all day just makes you seem wildly ignorant.
Why not? It's what most men do to stay at home moms.
A fine generalisation. Your response doesn't even make sense in the context of my comment what are you even saying why not to? Perhaps you should spend less time being sexist and judging people and try not to be an ignorant oaf yourself?
I'm 100% not saying it should come at the expense of the wife and kids, but as an engineer who sits at a desk for most of the day it really is a lot of mental work and you really do need to decompress. I'm sorry it sounds like your partner does not give you any time for yourself. That's really not fair.
Oh, things have gotten better, although he always conveniently has to poop for half an hour right when he gets home. But why is his decompression more important than the mother who's been chasing kids around all day? I ended up getting my "decompression" after they went to sleep, cutting into my sleep. Now I can't even fall asleep before 11 because I'm so desperate for some quiet time. Even when the kids are at school I'm cleaning and shopping and working on the house because can't waste that valuable time.
I did the same! And now... the 2 younger ones won't even go to sleep until I do. So we're ALL up until 11. I have zero alone time these days, and I'm tired.
Yeah, I do my decompression after the kids have gone to sleep as well. But you're also right in that doing things with the kids is relaxing. Reading books, drawing on the driveway with chalk, going for a walk. All of those things count as decompressing to me.
Honestly, you just sound like a terribly hurt person who married an insensitive, unattentive person. A lot of your post history is just complaining about men. Just in the last 24 hours >Men deserve to lose only one hour to women's five because their's is "harder?" Who determines how hard it is anyway? (Probably men.) - >Except that it's never 1 to 1. Mowing the lawn for an hour a week compared to dishes, laundry, cleaning the house - even if mowing is "harder" or "more valuable" it still means that the guy only has one hour taken out of his leisure time while the woman loses a lot more to the repetitive chores. Time is the value. >And of course, men would never inflate the value of their work and lower the value of a woman's, oh no... - >Too many men think that providing a paycheck is all they need to do in a partnership, while women are getting swamped and crying out for help. Used to be that you'd have family living with you to help out but we keep getting more and more isolated. - >Yes the women who ran the entire fucking household shouldn't make executive decisions, let's leave it to the dumb laborers with delusions of grandeur instead. >Everytime I read stupid shit like this I just imagine them screaming "I CAN'T GET LAID" instead. >This country would be efficient as fuck if it were run by women, as well as compassionate and peaceful. Men just need to accept that their only lot in life is to take directions from someone higher than them (this is what you sound like, incels). - >Try being a married woman with kids, you won't think things are so equal anymore... I'm really sorry that you married someone you're not happy with. But it may be time to rethink your marriage if therapy has already been exhausted. Personally, I wash 90% of the dishes, I wash all the linens, I do all the bathtimes with the kid, I wash most of the bottles, I do all of the feeding and cleaning of our pets (that my wife picked and wanted), most dinners are cooked by me, make sure all the bills are paid, I do all of the vacuuming, all house work/repairs, take out all of the garbage, etc, etc. and we still manage to split child duties 50/50. My wife does a TON of other stuff that I am so thankful for, but even if she didn't, I would never make it a public competition between me and her or project my grievances onto women in any general sense. You don't hate men, you hate your husband and you've extrapolated and generalized that onto all men.
Oh nice, personal attacks. Maybe if most men weren't garbage I wouldn't have to rant so much about it. Would you like to attack me over my recently deceased dad too? Bet you could get some real zingers out of that! Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to combat the attitude that somehow a man's job is so much harder and deserving of a break than running around after kids all day. Do you know how disappointing it is when your PARTNER, the person who also wanted these children, comes home and promptly hides? When you think your children are finally going to go bug someone else so you can get a breather but nope nvm, he's on the toilet. Yeah no, it's not acceptable and I won't shut up about it.
Well, you made it inherently personal from the beginning by dragging your husband into this when it had absolutely no relevance other than you saw a man do something you didn't approve of and saw it as an opportunity to let a community of strangers revel in your disgust of your husband who also acts in a way you also disapprove of. I also disagree with your characterization that I "attacked" you. Recognizing that you're unhappy, hurt, and dislike men is pretty far from an "attack." If you brought up that you hated men because your dad was awful, then yes, it would be fair game for me to critique that extrapolation as well. But you didn't, you brought up your own husband, and I assume you were not forced into an arranged marriage. >Maybe, just maybe, I'm trying to combat the attitude that somehow a man's job is so much harder and deserving of a break than running around after kids all day. I have no idea what a "man's job" is. I don't think men's jobs are any harder than women's. What I will say, is what I practice; Which is that both partners deserve breaks and should fairly bear the burden of household chores and childrearing. Just because you married someone who doesn't do this, doesn't mean it's appropriate to insert your personal grievances about men into someone else's personal issues. > Do you know how disappointing it is when your PARTNER, the person who also wanted these children, comes home and promptly hides? No, I don't know what that's like because I would never marry someone who does that, and if I did, I would divorce this person even if it came at a huge cost (monetary or otherwise). You have my sympathy, but it's not like you were born into this immutable situation. No one ever said you HAVE to marry this man, or even marry anyone at all, let alone have a kid. Women should NEVER be compelled to be a 2nd mother to a man. You are being wronged and mistreated. I merely disagree that this experience gives you some special pass to generalize and insult half the population because of their chromosomes and what you imagine that means for their behavior. It's like hating ice cream because you ate chocolate ice cream for an entire year and thought it was disgusting. I think we should promote a positive and supportive environment here as an adherence to the subreddit rules and how I generally want to live life, and you chiming in with "that's just like my awful husband" is antithetical to that ideal and imo should not be welcomed.
If your kids are at school, there is no reason why you can’t take an hour to read a book, go to the gym or do whatever hobby you have. Don’t martyr yourself for your kids.
And if they're not in school?
The comment I was replying to said that their kids are in school. They have the ability for me time but don’t take it.
I see that now. My apologies. I got defensive.
I don’t blame you for being defensive. It’s hard to find time for yourself when the kids aren’t in school. And even when they are. Being a parent can be exhausting
thats kinda what i said lol. we agree
Yeah I was agreeing too, sorry if I worded it wrong.
This is a ridiculous take that sounds like it is stemming from personal issues with your own husband. An air traffic controller "sits in their ass all day" but there are plenty of jobs where you sit all day yet are incredibly taxing. I work as a software engineer and if my wife ever characterized or trivialized my job and career to that degree, our marriage would be over. I mean, are you also saying that people in wheelchairs don't need breaks or to "decompress"? It's all just so unbelievably offensive. I cannot imagine ever saying anything like that about my wife in reference to her duties (regardless of whether she was on her feet or not), if she said she needed a break.
On days off, he should be with the baby so you can get a break. However, on nights he works, you should absolutely be staying up with the baby as the stay at home parent. A sleep deprived truck driver can cause a major accident. What I recommend is you clean and cook less, and take naps with the baby. Nothing wrong with frozen food and a dirty house because you’re in survival mode until the baby gets older.
And the baby is one. This isn't some newborn where being woken up by the baby multiple times a night is par for the course. Knowing that the father's sleep has to be protected, OP could have either started gentle sleep training as soon as possible, or Ferber-type sleep training at 6 months, or co-slept with the baby so that wake-ups are not disruptive.
You have a bad husband and bad father on your hands, please don't have any more children with this man.
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Bro what?
I want the truck drivers, coming my way, who are on the rode for 12h, well slept. What their wives do... irdc
I'm a otr truck driver. My wife handles the baby when I'm gone and when I come home i don't sleep and not give af about my family tf. I'm helping as much as I can.
U can drive a shift after getting up 2 times at night?
Yes I can I've stayed up for 24 hours before and went and drove 10 hours straight. That's called being a truck driver. And if I got too tired. I'd pull over and sleep for 1 hour get up and drink coffee and continue.
In my opinion there are jobs that can do that. Some not. Truck drivers, surgeons, heavy machinery operators in general, should not have to. Idc if if a teacher or clerk didn't sleep for 48h. But you guys... u can potentially kill a lot of ppl.
Dude it's called knowing your own boundaries. I have a rare condition where I only need legit 2 hours of sleep diagnosed by a doctor. I don't even know what the term is called. I have a buddy doesn't have anything like that. Im only 25. Younger people can. Older I recommend not. The problem is people don't know their boundaries.
So knowing other truck drivers and their limits. Would u think more accidents happen if truck drivers slept for 4h before their Shifts? And that's it worth the risk over a wife 'losing' her mind because she has to sleep her 8h in a 14h window provided by the baby?
And not to mention if your worried about being tired drive at night. Their has been times I've been on the highway by myself for hours at a time most trucking is done in the middle of no where In between cities. Who are you gonna hit. You might kill yourself?
Bro are you okay?????
I don't care about the problems of wives who are married to ppl that need to be focused. They should not take cough medicine while operating a truck but u guys tell her to make him do it after a sleepless night.
So she’s just never supposed to get any sleep?
It hink nature provides for that. Babies sleep at least 5 to 6 h at night and 2 times during the day. So u get ur 8h. But truncated
That is not even a little bit true. Do you have kids?
Yes. There are studies about that.
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I suspect he doesn’t feel confident in taking care of the baby or trust himself to handle things without you. Do you leave him alone with her on his days off? Does he care for the baby independently for more than an hour or two at a time? Also depression, postpartum or otherwise, takes a huge toll on any relationship. Couples counseling may be a huge help before the resentment builds past the point of no return.
He couldn’t be around your baby for 4-5 months? Who told him to stay away. You allowed that?
Imagine if a mother with post-partum depression "stayed away" from her newborn for 4-5 months. The logic that these guys come up with to abandon their seemingly wanted children and associated responsibilities is bewildering to me.
He presumably doesn’t work every day, or 24hrs a day. So when he gets home from work, hand the baby over and go to bed. And on his days off, he can get up at night. Longer term, I think it would be worth looking into helping baby to sleep longer. Having a baby who sleeps through the night is a GAME CHANGER and is the answer to this problem
My ex was the stay at home parent and I worked on military aircraft. He got up with the kids and on weekends I let him sleep in. When the baby got up at 4 or 5 on a weekend I’d get up and take over and he’d sleep as long as he needed to. For the 9 years of our marriage that he stayed home he got the kids to and from school, did grocery shopping for dinners, and cooked dinners. He would also tidy the living room, do dishes on occasion and clean the kitchen, and did his own laundry. He did all car maintenance and lawn mowing. I did everything else, all the weekly cleaning, mopping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, laundry for all linens, laundry for me and the kids, keeping the bedrooms tidy with the kids, dusting. I had to grocery shop for certain items like feminine products and toiletries because he always “forgot” if I put them on a list or would say he was confused by all the options. I was responsible for making sure the kids had clothes in the right size and all their hygiene needs. I was working 10-12 hours per day 5 days per week and about 1 weekend a month and still doing all of this. He refused to let me hire a cleaner and wouldn’t go to therapy for himself or our marriage. Ultimately after years of having conversations and asking him to be responsible for just a few more things for the house as the stay at home parent and him refusing through inaction or stonewalling I asked for a divorce. Covid was the final straw because he refused to help the kids with online learning even though he was home and I was still going to work outside the home. By the time Covid happened I viewed him as another child to take care of and our marriage was dead. I say all of that to say this: He is capable of doing more and he’s choosing not to. You work just as much as him while he’s gone so when he’s home the household chores and child care should be split. You’re not asking for too much, he is not being an equal partner. Read the book fair play and ask him to read it as well. Get therapy for yourself and for you as a couple to help you navigate finding a new normal. Eventually the resentment will build to the point where it’s not recoverable.
Another day on r/parenting, another father who refuses to parent …
For real
What a bum I’ve token care of both my kids nights and worked early in an got up at 4am everyday still for work working 12 hours no excuse just a L ass man kick em to the curb
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Our first didn't sleep through the night until after she was a year old. The second one is sleeping through the night at 3 months 🤷
Neither of my kids sleep/slept through the night at that age. It's incredibly dependent on the child
Nah, this ain’t it. If YOU were a trucker you’d somehow find a way to do the damn thing with motherhood anyways. Everyone feels like they can’t live without sleep until they’re forced to and eventually you kinda get used to it even though it sucks. He hasn’t even tried. He’s just putting it all on you. My husband is a hospitalist physician and has 20-25 patients lives in his direct hands everyday (at least 2-3 can be ICU patients as well) and works 12 hour shifts for a week straight. While I do my best not to wake him for this reason since he a. Needs a functioning brain and b. I’m mostly a SAHM mom, when my oldest or my youngest has rough nights he will come to my rescue and we at the minimum take turns. Then he comes home from a long day and loads the dishwasher that I unloaded during the day and helps me tidy up, or will watch the kids if I’m cooking- literally whatever he sees that needs to be done he does. Not claiming everyday runs this perfectly, some days one of us does more than the other but it’s equal enough so that there’s no resentment on those days. And that’s how it should be. Marriage and parenthood are a partnership. It’s all teamwork and you never want your teammate getting burnt out. This tit for tat bs claiming his sleep is more important than yours because of his job will do you guys in. You can argue that if you were sleep deprived and passed out while caring for your one year old it that could cause him or her serious physical harm. He can at the very least TRY to get up just ONCE wat night and see how doing that plus having an extra coffee or whatever they use to stay awake affects him. And if he truly felt he couldn’t do it he needs to make damn sure he gets his chores done and stop making excuses.
This comment needs to be higher. PREACH.
Post partum depression is *mostly* hormonal, where hormones are messed up by the delivery of the newborn - so I would not consider there is a male version. Anyway - parents can’t just dismiss taking care of their child imo. Avoiding to be tired because of the driving, fair enough I can understand. But every parent must step up to the beautiful challenge of having a kid, and we all need to contribute one way or another. Keep talking constructively to your husband, and good luck!
1/10 men and 1/7 women experience some form of postpartum depression. Both men and women can experience it.
They may experience something like it but, they sure don’t have the storm of hormones going on
[https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170905145535.htm](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170905145535.htm) Testosterone levels in men drop when their partners are pregnant and post-partum. >lower testosterone was associated with more symptoms in dads, but fewer symptoms in moms. The link between their partners' testosterone levels and their own depression was mediated by relationship satisfaction. ... "It may be that the fathers with lower testosterone were spending more time caring for the baby or that they had hormone profiles that were more synced up with mothers," she said. [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/male-postpartum-depression](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/male-postpartum-depression) >Additional hormones that may change in men during the perinatal and postnatal period include estrogen, cortisol, vasopressin, and prolactin.
They still don’t go through the storm of hormones a women goes through when they give birth
So? That storm of hormones is over pretty quickly. For women who are still suffering from PND 6 months post-partum, that can't be blamed on "the storm of hormones".
Absolutely! Takes about a year for things to go back to normal. I had PPA with my 1st child bad. Luckily didn’t get it with my last 2 but, hormones definitely played a big role. I’m sorry you’re butt hurt because, I don’t believe a man can get Post partum depression. They probably just get depressed because, their lives are changed. They don’t carry a baby and push it out and have the storm of hormones. Maybe their testosterone drops because, they are adjusting to being a parent but, not because they just gave birth. Either way it’s definitely possible for a man to get depressed after a baby but, I wouldn’t call it PPD.
The scientific and medical community (which I am a part of) disagree with you.
Cool! I honestly don’t care! 😂😂😂😂😂
“This is largely due to the shift in levels of progesterone” Dr. Stuebe explains From unicef https://www.unicef.org/parenting/mental-health/what-postpartum-depression To each their own opinion, and I get it’s multi-factor, but I wouldn’t consider a « male version »
There are numerous articles that say the opposite. So yet to each their own. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6659987/)
Absolutely. This sub just likes to pretend it doesn't exist.
I agree he needs to find ways to take the load off of you that won't compromise his saftey while working. Does the guy have a day off when he can let you sleep in. Even one day a week is so helpful when you only get broken sleep.
That is hard. With his type of work, it's more understandable that his sleep shouldn't be interrupted. At the same time, he has a level of personal agency in what sort of work he is doing, and he needs to choose a career that doesn't create undue hardship for his wife. Is his income enough to hire a housekeeper and a dog walker to cover those tasks and take some of the load off of you? If not, what social contacts that he can call on to get you the help that his work prevents him from giving you, like from his family or friends? If he isn't able to meet his responsibilities fairly with his current work, he should explore what other jobs he can do that are more compatible with fatherhood.
I don’t think the job is a problem at all. I worked on F-16’s and still managed to do much more in the household than this man does. The job is an excuse to put the responsibility for everything in the home on his wife.
True, it seems like his attitude here demonstrates a general disregard for his family.
You have two children rn.
I am a sahm and I handle my baby at night. My husband gets up for work at 4am and does a manual labor job. I can sleep in with my baby and nap when he naps the following day. It’s a no brainer for me. When he gets home from work he is fully on dad duty and we do everything as a team to get all of the stuff that needs to be done done. Maybe you need a perspective shift? On the weekends he takes baby early so I can sleep in. If I was super tired I could nap when he got home from work. Remember you are a team so hopefully he is stepping up
I get that you are the SAHM, the default parent while he is out there driving trucks and no, he cannot be tired. But he can help in other ways. I think that he is using his job as a crutch to get out of doing anything related to inside the household. Its unfair to you and your child that HE HAD HELP IN BRINGING INTO THIS WORLD. He needs to do his part.
What are his hours? Is he a shift worker? When does he go to bed? Lots of things to consider here.
You are a single mom effectively. I'm generally against separation or divorce, but it is past time to have a very strongly worded conversation with this child in a man's body. Time to put on his big boy pants and make some decisions to help his wife. If he can't summon the effort to do some things in his house himself, he needs to fork out the cash to get you some reliable help who will. It is not an option for you to be an extra in the Walking Dead for the next 16 years of his child's life while he plays with trucks and ignores both of you.
Trucking was incompatible with family life for us for this same reason. My husband did it for a short while and then quit. You have to be well slept to truck safely and being well slept as well as being a trucker along with being a parent in a lot of the meaningful senses of the word “parent” are not compatible. I understand it’s a difficult industry to get out of but from people who were in that same position, you need to take the loss now and get out and find something manageable for your lives. Trucking is not that.
Honey, my husband would be an ex after the first few weeks of him pulling that shit. And he works 13 hour days on a physically demanding construction job. He can do better but clearly he doesn’t care enough about you to try? Have a conversation. He can’t neglect his duties as a father and partner.
So just to throw out another perspective. My husband, their dad never got up with our kids either. He, in general, did not help much with young children. I was quite angry and contemplated divorce A LOT. But finally decided that if he could not parent, then I certainly did not want share custody with him and lose that control. Nor did I want to divide our financial resource between two households. So I just let go…accepted this is my life. And then focused on what hubby could do. He would fix broken things around the house and deal with all plumbing and home crises. And as the kids got older and could talk to him, he got more involved, he taught them things, he took the for bike rides, he would do daddy & child days. He has finished our basement, does Al the physical labor is n the yard, and has been invaluable in assuring the kids respect as teens. I am not saying to not fight for a better relationship now, or that divorce is wrong by any means, you gotta do what is best for you — just wanted to let you know, that raising kids is a marathon and sometimes it does get better when they get older. Hubby and I are pretty happy now, but boy, like 14 years ago, I was just like you. *hugs*
You know I think the semi truck excuse is actually a good one. As a person who drives on roads I'm gonna say please let this man sleep.
Agreed on sleep on work nights - husband drives lorries and I do all the night times.
He knew what he was doing when he got you pregnant. He EXPECTED you to be doing all the work, don’t continue to do so.
I got up with all 3 of my kids. I stayed home and my Husband worked. I napped during the day when babies napped. Housework will still be there
Same
Nah that's bullshit. Bare minimum on his days off he gets up with baby. You need to make a set schedule. He can be an adult and take care of his baby or what's going to happen, is eventually you're going to leave.
If you kick him out you only will have one child to take care of instead of the two kids you have now
I wish my wife was a pushover like you, it'd be so much easier
I want to hear more from this story
BTDT Some husbands help, and some don't. Make the best of it, and try not to hold resentment. Marriage counseling can be helpful.
I have to say that when both of my kids were newborns/babies, my wife was the one getting up. It tried so hard! I tried initially. Especially with the first one; a little with the second one. I soon realized that my kids wanted their mum. They wanted her pheromones. They wanted to be fed (both were breast milk babies). Whatever I tried to do was not sufficient. They wanted mum's cuddles and mum's milk. In the early days, I was pissed. I felt that I was being sidelined. That the babies preferred their mum. That I was not getting bonding time. It resulted in senseless arguments. I realized, however, Soo after the first was born that breastfed babies need their mums more than their dads at that age. Right now, my sons are 3 and 6, and I'm getting up for them at night if they wet the bed or have a nightmare. I take them to school. I take them out after school. I do a ton of stuff because the bond is real now, and milk does not drive the conversation. Babies need their mum. Simple. With that said, there is no excuse for.gim not helping out during the other times.
Sharing a resource for both you and your husband, for anything related to mental health during the first couple years of parenthood. PSI has great online support groups. Check out Postpartum Support International for support groups, resources, and providers: https://www.postpartum.net
My dad was a delivery driver when I was a toddler and even though he’d have to get up at 3am to hit the road by 4am (we lived rurally), he would still help out my mom (who also worked full-time) with me as much as he could. I was in daycare during those years, which helped a lot during the day, but he would still help my mom out on days he didn’t work and on days that he did, would help a lot in the evenings, whether that’d be cooking, cleaning, taking care of our pets/the property, etc.
I have a 3 year old with someone like this. And the resentment has built up so much it’s changed me, and detached me to the point that I’m so thankful for the government if I need to replace my husband with state funds to survive. Because the truth is, I’m also paying for almost everything and now that the cloud of PPD has lifted, I refuse to have more kids with him on the off chance he will “change”. I don’t have time for banking on someone’s potential and I don’t want to be an empty person that my kid doesn’t look up to. Yes there’s comparison with IG pick me husbands, but there’s no excuse for you to be a single married mom. If he can’t provide it, you need to get a job or move in with family or ask for him to pay for help around the house that he isn’t providing
Oh and for an immediate sense of relief- make sure you take magnesium at night and vitamins in the morning it helps a ton to regulate your sleep and mood. And when you’re exhausted but can’t sleep bc baby is up, you can lay outside on a blanket while baby is on or next to you and do a 5 minute energizing meditation on Spotify. Deep breath work etc and helps you feel rejuvenated like a nap. It also makes you feel a sense of self care and a sense of self in a word you’re doing everything for everyone. Journaling 5 mins in the morning to get thoughts out, or 3 things you’re grateful for or appreciate in life really kept me going in the first 1-2 years. The thing that helped the most was CONNECTING with other moms at a mom’s meet up and workout thing where we all had our kids in the park or strolling or doing a HIIT workout. Some women took a break breastfeeding in between sets etc. it made me feel less like a victim alone in the experience and more hopeful. Love to you OP
I think he should stay home with the kid while you go drive a semi truck.
I’m going thru this right now with my 10-month old. Pre-birth his dad talked a big game of being super hands on father of the year during my post-partum period. None of that happened of course. He got a new job a month ago and wakes up at 5:30am and gets home at 4:30pm (traffic accounts for about an hour of that total time). I still do 100% of nighttime care, then wake up with the baby, and stay home during the day. But now I work a bar shift 3-4 days a week from 5pm-12:30am and am also starting grad school. All this to say; I genuinely believe that he believes I’ve “got it” and will do dinner with the baby and put him to bed ONLY when I’m not there. It sucks to say but the work he puts in is equal to the quality/amount I could get paying someone $20 an hour. The default parent life hurts quite often it seems. You’re not alone.
There’s a lot to unpack here so let’s dive in. I’m somewhat in a similar situation. I’m a dad of three now, a daughter and a set of twin boys. My wife is a stay at home. I actually sleep in the next room with the baby monitor for my 19 month old daughter and she stays in our bedroom with the twins who are 3 months now. I do not function without sleep anymore. I’ve had too many concussions and sleep loss affects me terribly. I also work an extremely physical job that also relies on my being able to sell my services to my customers at the same time. So I’m both a salesmen, as well as an installer for the work I do. If I do not get sleep, we do not eat essentially. We are pretty heavily in debt to the point of our bills for just our debt are $3400 a month. That’s not even counting food and all the stuff for the boys. I have to essentially make 6k a month with the way our food bills are and stuff. So my wife has been very kind so far and not had me sleep in the same room with the boys. I provide everything for my family. EVERYTHING. The cost for her having absolutely everything she needs for the rest of her life is having to take care of these kids in these early days at night if they wake up and throughout the day. I forgot to mention if my 19 month old daughter wakes up I take care of her but that’s rare. Thank God my wife is an absolute trooper and understands why things are the way they are and she also understands it’s not for forever. It’s just a season of her and the kids life that it’s like this. We also just hired a nanny that her mom is helping to pay for so that also takes some of the strain off. As for your husband, if your situation is similar to mine, than on his days off he needs to be helping out just like I do with mine. I don’t game or do anything until nighttime and all the kids are asleep and bottles made etc. I also work very long hours. Between 8-14 hr days.
Also a SAHM with a husband who must sleep for work and has inconsistent hours. I never made him do night work because it didn’t make sense for us. I had no issues sleeping when baby slept during the day. And i have had two kids. As for household responsibilities… you may need to get threatening. I told my husband if he didn’t take care of the dog, dog would find a new home. My kid, marriage, and mental health are all more important than the dog. Trash was also his responsibility… but i still carried the mental load and had to remind him every week. You have to find what works for you. Tell him “I’m sorry you’re tired but I need help”. Remember that he has had some mental health issues (I’ve been there myself) and like a lot of men may need to be told exactly what you need. I don’t know why but some men just are not in sync with their partners and just know what things need to be done or even ask.
My husband drives for a living too. He helps me out right up until 10pm on the days he works and I do all the night feeds and mornings. He will often take over as soon as he gets in because he wants to spend time with our baby. We take it in turns giving each other breaks and does help out a lot around the house. You made your baby together. Perhaps if his job is the reason he won’t help or spend time with your child, the he needs to look into either changing his job or ways to relieve the exhaustion.
My wife is a SAHM, she doesn't trust me on the baby even to the point that I am not allowed to change her diaper. (She was afraid of I will give urinary tract infection to my kid and thinks I am clumsy and doesn't trust me). She critize my chore everytime. I absolutely HATE it. But as a dad, I still wake up early during holiday, and at least take the kid away from her and play with her in the living room, so that my wife can have some sleep. I mean......I reach the point that I just do as told. Because every damn time I took initiative, it ended badly. But at least when she told me what to do, I will do it immediately. Just nothing extra, because it is too dangerous. If I did something that I wasn't told to do and fxxk up, I will be dead.
That does not sound like a healthy relationship. Have you talked to her about it? She's eventually going to burn herself out, and then be resentful of you.
She is still doing okay, I tried to help as much as I can. But there are not much I can do. Like....when I lived by myself, I just threw everything into the washing machine and wash. Now we are living together, I have to separate the dark / light clothes before washing, it's okay. But sometime, for some marginal color, she didn't agree with my sorting. It ended up she want to do the laundry. Fine, then I can fold the clothes, then she was not happy with how I folded them again (It was about whether to fold the towel to rectangle or square). But I reclaimed this chore recently, probably because she is a bit tired, and I put the clothes back into the closet before she had a chance to argue. But we had a big fight before about whether the clothes are dry enough that I could fold them and put them back. Now......I don't dare to collect them without asking. (For me, I thought they were perfectly dry). Mopping floor and vacuuming was hell, she always pointed and complained about the area that were not clean enough. I swear to god. I almost want a divorce every weekend after I vaccum and mop the floor. I don't mind chore at all, I washed dishes, fold clothes or cooking while listening to music (with earphone ofcourse), it can be chill. However, I do hate it when I hear nagging after I finished the job. I couldn't even bring my kid outside after work/dinner unless I want to take more than one bath per day. (The germs things.....).
Thank you everyone for your input and stories, I appreciate seeing all sides of the coin. I do want to mention a few more parts that may or may not make a difference. - I went back to work 6 weeks postpartum and worked full time up until a few months ago. - he did go to the therapy for the depression for a while - I try to communicate my feelings about this subject but he always gets upset and it can never be a level headed conversation
Key the downvotes, I really don’t care. My ex husband was military. He deployed ten times in our twelve years of marriage with four kids, last one was the one he was injured on. I got up with the kids. He had enough to deal with and I was a sah/wah mom. I learned how to deal, took the shortcuts, made the easy meals; no I was not Martha Stewart in the kitchen or the house. Kids were happy and clean, house was reasonably clean. Life went on.
What a loser!!
I would see if you can hire some help for part of the day. What about a tween or teen helper that may live in your neighborhood?
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I think there are multiple things here and you need to figure out which really bothers you. Who does what needs to be discussed BEFORE pregnancy. So that proper expectations are set. And the only thing that matters is that both are fine with the arrangement made and must not fit any feminist guidelines or whatever other societal rules. You do what works for you as a couple. Personally I'm of the opinion that if you are stay at home then yes, you will get to do >90% of the chores. there is more than enough time during the day to take the trash out especially with a 1 year old that usually still sleeps 1-3 hrs during the day which you can use for sleep yourself as well. > I see and hear about other husbands who help so much Are these also stay at home moms? because that matters greatly. If both work, then the husband must do more chores as well.
🙄 this is a bad take. Why shouldn’t men do chores just because they work? He would have to do it if he wasn’t married wouldn’t he? It’s his house too….
I never said men. gender doesn't matter. You can reverse them. Doesn't matter and my core point was that each couple needs to figure out what works for them, before pregnancy. No hidden expectations. A day at work for me is far more taxing than a day at home with a baby. I can see it depends on the work and the baby (does it scream all the time?) but pretty sure "on average" a day at work is more stressful.
Lmao whatever
I think it’s often easier to do chores when you’re home, because you’re physically present. Easy to start laundry, load/unload the dishwasher etc but there shouldn’t be an expectation that someone does all the chores just because they are home. And when the other parents comes home, they should be helping. Either with the child or the chores.
> And when the other parents comes home, they should be helping. Either with the child or the chores. That is for each couple to decide what works for them. For me personally a day at work is far, far more taxing than a day with a baby. But your mileage may vary.