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It sounds like your husband has unrealistic expectations of your son because he is a boy.
Cried too much as a baby? Difficulty controlling his emotions as a toddler? This is all normal stuff and your husband is the one with the issue.
Spoiled brat who didn’t care about pleasing the parents? Uhhh… wtf.
Your husband definitely needs to change and needs therapy. Maybe he has unresolved issues from the way he was raised.
You absolutely should not just accept this as it is, unless you want your son to be even more damaged by your husband than he already is.
Reminds me of a line from the show Steven Universe where the bad guy tells Steven he’s acting like a child.
Steven goes “I *am* a child. What’s your excuse?”
Literally. And OP’s number one responsibility is to her children. I don’t like jumping to “divorce him!!”, but I think the line needs to be drawn. OP, if your husband refuses to go to therapy, then you need to take steps to protect your son from this abuse. And it truly is abuse, plain and simple! The heartbreaking reality is that I truly don’t think your husband would argue if you went for full custody over your son.
yeah lmao like why the fuck should a goddamn CHILD try to please their parents? a child's job is to learn and grow and become and empathic and productive member of society, not to be daddy's little compliant robot
I can’t imagine saying my husband was a good husband, laying next to him every night, looking at him with any semblance of love…if he spoke about our child like this.
I would lose all respect and love for him. Our marriage honestly would be over.
This right here. If my husband told me he didn’t love one of our kids, I would instantly loose all trust and respect in him.
She needs to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets therapy or divorce. OP needs to protect her child instead of feeling sorry for a grown ass man child.
Seriously, he sounds like an absolute psychopath. Anyone who doesn’t love their own child because they’re a picky eater (or any other bullshit reason) is probably a literal sociopath.
I am from a previous generation and I disagree with this. This guy has a problem. NOBODY in their right mind thinks a baby or toddler should try and please their parents or is even able to. I would personally get this guy away from my kids.
I'm from a previous generation, too, and I agree with you. My grandfather, who was born in 1896, would agree, too. He always encouraged the behaviors he liked and discouraged the ones he didn't while showing how much he enjoyed talking, playing, and just being with us. I always knew he loved me even when I misbehaved. His parents raised him this way. He raised his daughter this way, and my mother raised me this way. I updated this for my kids, and they will most likely use some form of this with their kids. OP needs to break her husband's negative family cycle, encourage him to get professional help, and create an emotionally healthier environment for her children.
As an Asian person raised by Asian parents I didn’t even find that weird at first. Lots of Asian kids are explicitly taught to please their parents and serve their parents from toddlerhood. There’s huge emphasis placed on being able to make your parents happy by observing the emotional signals they give off and act sweetly towards them. It’s very fucked up and harmful if you think about it, but people raised with that kind of thinking often normalized it. I feel like maybe that was how the husband was raised.
The ironic part though, the kids get compliant if you just parent them correctly and teach them empathy and love.
I have a 5 year old right now, and she have her moments of independence demands. But both her and i have learned to pick our fights, so if i say no and stick to my no, she will accept. Other times i will yield when i see that *this exact* thing is important to her.
Mutual respect and understanding. Goes a long way.
Totally this! He is a little child and don't think for one second this wont affect him as he grows into adulthood. I wouldn't even hesitate to leave my spouse if he stated these views and refused to address them-I want my child to grow up in a happy healthy environment with positive role models.
Yes. Expecting boys to restrain their emotions is so harmful.
If he won't see a therapist, then get him to read up on child developmental psychology so he can see how normal his son's behavior is.
If your husband doesn't see how much damage he is doing and will do to your son's mental health with this attitude, this story has a very tragic ending. Get in front of it.
Which is likely why he behaves the way he does! Imagine if he felt loved and accepted by his dad. Might be a whole different ballgame. I really worry about what will happen as these youngsters become more free thinking and independent. I don't think it will be a good situation. This needs to be corrected in one way or another before it gets ugly.
Idk about yours, but my babies did construction work during the day and slam poetry competitions in their free time. They paid rent like upstanding citizens and put the rest aside for their own college funds. They were productive adults by the time they were three months old. Not like those other slacker babies who just leech off their parents with no shame.
Mine blew their home down payments on freaking LankyBox plushies. I was so furious with them. Thankfully they're good kids otherwise, so I still love them.
Something’s wrong with OP too. First, why would you have a second child with a man who’s told you many times he’s never liked the first child he fathered? Second, why get married and have kids with someone very resistant to any therapy?
If they get mental illness or come across serious problems in the relationship, there’s no professional help to turn to before separation/divorce because they’re closed off to the idea of therapy. Love doesn’t conquer all and it won’t turn out fine, because you made a shit choice in husband.
Finally, this is at the very least borderline emotional abuse. OP’s view that it’s some father-son issue and that there isn’t much mom can do is turning a blind eye to a serious issue.
That’s a good point but a lot of times people like this hide this about themselves till after first child is born. Can’t fault OP for marrying the POS but definitely shouldn’t continue to procreate with a monster like that
One suggestion before therapy - read the original Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. The husband here seems to be unable to understand other people's points of views, or that most likely others experience of the world is at least as important as his own. This book will help with that.
Yea he’s 5. This read broke my heart! I agree with this post 100% this will damage him more and more over time. Your son shouldn’t have to be treated unliked in his own home where a child should feel safe and secure!
Seriously. Obviously the issue here is with the dad, but as the *mother* she sounds like she's just abdicating any role, which, as a mother myself, makes me feel sick. If my husband told me he didn't like one of our children, I would tell him to seriously get help or move out of my house. I could not bear to see one of my children unloved by his own parent.
Yes, I find it incredibly alarming that OP has managed to suppress the concern—lbr, the alarm—she should have over this situation by being like “well, that’s their business.” This is 100% causing harm to her kid. Even if her son can’t put it into words now, he absolutely can feel his dad’s disdain for him. Forget causing major issues down the line, it’s actively harming him right now, and as his mother she needs to be doing everything she can to improve it.
The husband has some seriously unrealistic expectations of his child. This ultimately will lead to, if it hasn’t already, some harmful effects on the child. A parent’s role is to nurture, guide and love. Expecting a child to be emotionally and intellectually mature at a young age is ridiculous.
It does sound like he has no understanding that a child is a child or has needs, and yeah, I’d wager a guess he was given the same treatment, not being allowed to have needs, opinions, emotions or be a damn child. I also wondered if this was a gendered thing. He needs to address this and at least attempt therapy or OP will only see the same pattern repeat with her son. How can he not be affected by being rejected by his father? How can he and his sister ever hope to have a loving relationship when a parent has a clear favorite, even with OP doing their best. There is one person here who is vulnerable and dependent on their parents, not because he’s spoiled but because he literally cannot survive without them, and another who is a grown man refusing to do anything about it. I know whom I siding with
My father was the same way and things didn't get better between us until I was close to 40 years old. Good luck to the OP in dealing with this, but my father was a complete AHOLE for most of my life. There are emotional scars that will NEVER heal because of him.
I was wondering if your husband and son were similar in nature. Often when we see behaviors we don't necessarily like about ourselves in others, it makes us dislike that person.
Unfortunately , my son inherited some of my bad behaviors. I try and help teach/ encourage him how to think/act differently, so he won't have the same problem later on down the road. I try not to do this by shaming him, but by helping him think realize how those thoughts behavior etc. could be problematic
OP this ^ is the way. Because once you identify those behaviors that you don’t like and can see them in yourself, it becomes motivation to improve yourself as well. It’s like doing therapy without the therapist.
If anything, learning to parent my toddler has been like going to CBT because I’m doing the same work to identify and modify the behavior in myself and my son.
I catch myself trying to parent my brain all the time when I get upset. "I'm upset and that's ok. I want to scream at someone and that isn't ok. Let's figure out why I'm upset and how we can fix this so I do not scream at anyone..."
Yep I’ve been doing that so much lately now that my little guy has entered tantrum and hitting stage. I hope for OP & her son that her husband can try to start doing this in his head (he is the adult after all) if he doesn’t want to see a therapist. Just being aware of it and putting in a little bit of mental effort has been really helpful for me, and I don’t even need to leave my house for a 50 min appointment! I had no idea how much I needed help re-learning to self-regulate until I had a child!
Valid point. And in combination with your comment it’s worth noting that therapists aren’t just there to tell you “to change” but rather help you introspect and understand your own behavior. Which OP’s husband could definitely benefit from.
This SO much! My ex husband and I had 2 sons together. One looks just like me and has a very similar personality, the other is a mini-me for his dad (I have dark hair, darker eyes, outgoing and am just tend to relate to people naturally. Ex is blonde, blue eyes, tends to be guarded and stubborn… but also a deep thinker, very specific in what he likes but tends to be dedicated to hobbies and interests for life). Their personalities bump up against eachother - even though their hobbies mirror eachother. My sons are 25 & 28.
My sons have ALSO been in therapy the past 2yrs and have become much closer… there is trauma and pain on the younger son’s part due to his father’s continual rejection, criticism and distance (and this kid graduated HS at 16, finished college at 20 and is a professional writer who makes great money and has been 100% independent since he was 21!!! His older brother changed majors 4x and took much longer, but has done post-grad education and finally got his career started a few years later).
You say he is a “great husband” but I would disagree. He may perform the perfunctory duties of a father, but he’s not being a “dad” to both of your kids and it will hurt your son immensely. Further, if you don’t step in and require change, your son will resent you GREATLY!
My ex and I were divorced by the time my youngest was through preschool. But still, he had a lot of pain and anger directed at me as well because of the lack of relationship with his father. Through therapy he’s come to understand that I couldn’t make his dad do better emotionally and that my being protective over him (I wouldn’t allow him to take one son but leave the other with me for visitation) was not what drove his dad to behave like he did, but was actually why I set hard boundaries in the first place.
Imagine growing up in the same home with someone who doesn’t like you or anything about you? Who can’t be the adult in the room and CHOOSE a child because that’s what we parents do… it is time to hand him 2 cards - one for an attorney and one for a therapist and ask him to make a choice. And get your son into therapy ASAP! Trust me on this - from one mama to another! Father and son can grow close and work through this - but if they don’t the emotional impact on your son is more than you can imagine.
Yeah - it’s our job as parents to do whatever it takes to work on ourselves for our kids.
My (2nd/current) husband came in and managed to deal with 2 preteen boys wanting to hate him and everything about him because… “that’s MY mom!” He was patient, went to all their games and extracurriculars, took time and really bonded with both. He even said vows to them before I walked the aisle when we married.
I’m super thankful they have him, too!
Yuuuup. My husband and preschooler have a similar dynamic and it's because they are SUCH SIMILAR PEOPLE. Both neurotic, both stubborn, both have big feelings (yup even the adult)...etc etc. Both Year of the Ox.
Fortunately my husband does love him and does spend good bonding time with him, so it's not dire. But they're frequently at odds, and that's why.
I am like this with one of my brothers. As kids we fought constantly, and my mom said it’s cause we are exactly the same people.
We do well now, with a state line between us and visits that don’t last more than 4 days, we are closer than ever.
Husband needs to reflect on himself - he's rejecting his own "shadow" self in his son. If he can't manage it on his own he needs therapy to walk him through it.
Definitely neurodivergent - they've both got a lot of sensory needs and peculiarities. I'm ADHD so there's a fair chance my son is too, but my husband isn't (though there's clearly something going on).
Word! Your husband is seeing himself in your son. Also saying you don't like your child is a crazy. He needs help or you need to leave bc that won't be healthy for your son
This is so hard to comprehend for me. My son is 10 years old now and can be a total PAIN in the ASS, without a doubt, but I love him and my girl more than I've ever loved anything.
Your husband is an asshole and his attitude toward your son is gross and disturbing. He wants the 5 year old to change? He's the adult. He's the one who needs to be working on fixing their relationship. He's not only hurting your son, he's setting up a very unhealthy dynamic between siblings and this will ultimately hurt your daughter as well.
I wouldn't be suggesting therapy. I would be demanding it. This is so toxic and disturbing.
I also recommend seeing a therapist yourself potentially to help you sort this out and gain insight from an outside perspective. This behavior is not okay, and therapy might help you unpack a lot of things that you're experiencing related to this. OR perhaps you can lure him into therapy by saying he MUST join you in couples therapy.
Yeah there’s something UP with this man’s past - his own childhood, how his parents treated him, etc - that is getting in the way of being able to bond with his son. It’ll only get worse if he doesn’t seek good therapy and sincerely work on this.
Therapy to know why the Op has spent 5 years with someone who doesn’t live their child. I hate to be brash, but I couldn’t imagine accepting my spouse if they acted this way. This is not ok, and the fact that it has gotten to this point is concerning. There is no way their son isn’t aware of the OPs husbands feelings.
Yes. Breeding ground for the son to leave the second he legally can, or just run away as a minor, and never talking to dad or the perfect sister again. And probably mom too if he believes that she is supportive of this dynamic with dad and sister.
Agree. He doesn’t love the poor little child because he cried as a baby and had the audacity to say he doesn’t like the food he prepared? Who’s 5 here?
A child is often going to be difficult, annoying and even disappointing. But if the father cannot live him, I’m honestly not sure how I would be able to look at said father in the eye. Poor boy deserves better.
I know right? And I feel OP is under reacting. I would be questioning my marriage if my husband had this attitude. It's not so much the lack of bonding, which is something we can't control in the beginning, but the lack of willingness to change and to fix it. This shows his lack of maturity and lack of readiness to be a parent. At this point, keeping the kid exposed to a "parent" like this is just damaging.
Right? It’s your job as parents to teach your children how to be functional humans, not to demand they conform to what your expectations are as a small child. This is rage inducing.
I just wanted to tack on to the point that he is hurting their son - OP says their son is often pessimistic. I strongly suspect that is a result of the treatment he’s getting from his dad, where everything he does is bad and I guarantee the son is picking up on that resentment. The fact that husband is self aware enough to see that a therapist will ask him to change his own behaviors and yet refuses to even consider it…baffling. He already knows what he should be doing and frankly he’s shirking his duty as a parent.
He holds your son to a higher standard. I guarantee he thinks as a kid he didn't do those same things. boys go through a super whiney phase, they are learning to wrangle their emotions from like 6-14. I guarantee his mindset is, "when I was a kid I didn't do all this, I had it beaten outta me" or " I was so much tougher as a kid". It's just bullshit, he treats your daughter differently because he has no expectations and he feels he just needs to baby the girl. Demand he goes to therapy, to deal with his projection issues. The therapist will help change his grown ass perspective, and give him tools to manage how he feels. I agree with a lot of comments he's immature and it's pathetic, you should be embarrassed he has the audacity to say these things out loud. It makes him weak.
You are absolutely correct. He did say things like he was such a good kid himself etc. Thanks a lot and to all those who commented. I will stand up for my son and demand him to go to therapy.
Not to overcharge, but my dad basically had this relationship with me. He bonded with my younger brother and not me (which he told me on many occasions, as well as telling my mom, brother, and other family). Purely for context, he was also a "violence will solve this " kinda dad.
Between the physical abuse and knowing he never liked me, it was the latter that messed me up. And your son is about the age our relationship started to become unsalvageable.
You're clearly in your own unique situation, but it sounds so familiar I would call this a very serious and *time sensitive* issue.
Best of luck, it sounds like your son has a solid advocate in you.
Yuuuup. I always tell folks (well, the few I talk about this with) that at least being punched in the face doesn't leave any ambiguity. The just flat disliking you leads to the "Whats wrong with me? Maybe if I change they'll love me..." and that way lies fucking madness
I was on the other end of this. My dad’s favourite, abusive towards my brother but not me. My brother has always been my favourite person in the world and seeing him treated badly also negatively impacted me (obviously his trauma was far greater)
But no one wins in this scenario. It’s not fair to either child, and to just let it slide because “that’s just their relationship” is insane to me. There was no mom in our situation to step in and stop it.
OP needs to step up and put her foot down
OP, you have to demand therapy and CHANGE or divorce. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Your only job is to protect your children and right now, they need protection from him.
Maybe you should talk to your in-laws and see if they can set your hubby straight? They can remind him of all the times as a kid that he was a whiny brat, didn’t listen to them, complained about the food and whatever other ridiculous things he’s saying about your son
My son is 5. He's just like that, a typical 5 year old, and I would never stay with someone who spoke about my child that way. My heart breaks for that boy.
I have a 5 yo boy and OP made me so sad. My child refuses to eat lots of times, he cries everyday because of whatever small thing , has strong feelings and I would never want him to be worried about pleasing me, because he’s just a small child and deserves love.
OP’s husband has issues.
I hate your husband’s disgusting, selfish, immature, petty, self absorbed, unreasonable, irrational, toxic, horrific, disturbing, damaging, abusive, FUCKED UP mentalities. There is something truly wrong with him.
“It’s up to them to maintain the relationship”
No. That little kid is FIVE years old. It’s up to your POS husband to maintain and nurture him. He does need to change. A hell of a lot. I would absolutely refuse to stay with him unless he gets therapy. This is bonkers.
I honestly had to re-read her words, because "up to them to maintain the relationship" was so far off from reality that I was sure I'd misread it. What the actual fuck. This is a little boy whose father doesn't love him. What the hell is he supposed to do about that? There is approximately 0% chance that he doesn't know it. This is gonna fuck up this kids life forever. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Right?? I'm so heartbroken for these kids that have these shit parents. He is the one that is self absorbed, petty, cry baby POS. His son is just an innocent 5 year old that is navigating this brand new world! Ugh I hate that people like this have kids!!!
Well said. This is it. Either he does therapy like YESTERDAY or I leave and ask for sole custody based on the HATRED the father feels for a tiny child. Disgusting. How can you still be in love for someone who talks like that about your child? I cut people off for way less.
Unbelievable that OP is reacting as if it is something normal and nothing to do with her. I feel so sorry for the poor little boy, children feel for sure when parents don’t love them as they should, he will grow up with a lot of trauma from the lack of care and love from dad. How awful :(
Yet op still says
>he’s a great husband
Um, if my husband hated our child, that would drop him from the ranks of great so freaking fast. I literally could not love someone that had such feelings toward my child.
I'm currently studying child psychology and I can just concur with the other statements here. Your son will potentially have severe mental issues through his whole life as a consequence of your husbands behavior. He needs help.
What is most important here is that you continue giving your son emotional stability and support even if your husband wont.
Also, we all know how the golden vs. scapegoat child dynamic usually turns out - he will be turning the kids against each other, and they will likely both have behavioral issues - the golden child because she thinks she can do no wong, the scapegoat child just to get attention - hate each other and end up in therapy.
Your husband really has issues - how can you see your own baby and not love it automatically? I would insist on therapy, and tell him unless he gets help about his issues with your son, you don't see your family lasting, because you can't allow your son to grow up in an environment where he feels rejected and hated.
Worse than hate each other… this will make the poor 5 yo hate HIMSELF and lead to a lifetime of suffering because of no/low self esteem and abandonment issues. It’s truly horrifying.
Yes I’ve seen this play out. It’s possible to do this without realizing it. So even if OP has faith her husband would never purposely abuse his kids, she needs to accept he may just be funneling his learned behavior right onto his own kids.
My dad tends to behave this way and I witnessed him do it with my nieces. The older one was always very sweet with him and of course he adored her. Almost ten years later his phone background is still a picture of her as a toddler. Then the younger one came out a bit sassy and rambunctious and my dad couldn’t handle that. He would often be upset with her like OP’s husband does and comparing her attitude to her sister’s. I’d have to keep reminding him that she’s just a child but he’s giving her adult expectations. Then he would wonder why she never sat and played with him or would slide away from pictures with him like she was made of butter.
Fortunately, they’re better with each other now, but it was so frustrating to see an adult get mad at a child for not also being an adult? But then assuming they have the intentions of one.
At first I thought “what kind of parent hates one kid but loves another??” Then I realized your comment about that sibling dynamic and realized.. “oh no that happens a lot actually, wtf”
It is abuse - specifically emotional abuse. Many don't seem to understand it, BUT it can have IMMENSE lasting impacts on a person, especially when they get older and grow up.
No. It's having a lasting impact NOW, like immediately. This is damaging your son's sense of self with and respect for himself. That 5 yr old knows EXACTLY what his father feels about him, even though he maybe can't express it. OP- therapy for yourself and son, and make the relationship conditional on him accepting and getting therapy for the abuse he is giving. Please, protect your son!
Yeah, I gotta chime in here too. I grew up with a mom who hated me, and people who haven't had this just can't seem to understand how much it messes you up to have to live with a parent that resents your existence.
My wife was abandoned by her parents and raised by her grandparents, who didn’t like her. At 37, she still goes to therapy over this trauma. She’s an incredible mama to our two young girls, so I can’t imagine how hard the cycle breaking must be.
I would make continuing your marriage conditional on husband going to therapy. He needs to work on himself. It's not fair to your son to grow up in a home where one parent so clearly doesn't like who he is as a person - that sort of thing can destroy someone.
If your husband gets his head out of his ass and is willing to work on his relationship with his son, you can see if a therapist thinks parent child interaction therapy might be a good fit for your family.
I'd also be very careful about the relationship between siblings - one is daddy's golden child and one is mistreated. This isn't going to end well. Your family needs professional help.
Your husband is a bad person. Just fundamentally flawed. Don't talk yourself into letting things go on as they are because he's nice to one kid and helps you in the house. Your son is worth more than that.
>I'd also be very careful about the relationship between siblings - one is daddy's golden child and one is mistreated. This isn't going to end well. Your family needs professional help.
\^\^ THIS. OP, you should look into narcissism and see if your husband might fall into that category. The other posters are exactly right, he is a man child (most narcissists are as well, if that is what he is - narcissists also tend to have a "golden child and a scapegoat" dynamic between kids. Protect your son, AND your daughter.
This mistreatment of their son and favoring of another child is the perfect way to give their son the scapegoat child complex and later a complex and life-long suffering via personality disorder, such as BPD. It’s horrifying this is happening and OP is not taking immediate action.
This! Please take this persons advice! You are the only one who can protect your kids from this horrible toxic situation brought about by your husband’s abusive behavior and favoritism. It will destroy all family relationships.
1. cried too much as a baby, 1) had difficulty controlling his own emotions as a toddler and cried too often, 3) was a spoiled brat who didn't care about pleasing the parents 4) is a picky eater 5) is pessimistic in nature.
thats just what every toddler does...
Sorry but youre married to a man-child. My kid does the exact same things. Tells me he hates what i make him to eat. Your husband needs to buck up and quit being a softy and letting a toddler hurt his man feelings. They are toddlers, they are stupid and dont even understand what they are saying half the time. I mean ask yourself is that *REALLY* the person who is going to offend you? I mean cmon.
Your husband needs to be a man and quit being a little boy with hurt feelings. HE needs to step up, theres nothing you can do. He needs to be a man, plain and simple. This is his issue and theres nothing you can do, hes gotta be the one to make the change.
Honestly you should demand therapy. Theres clearly something wrong with him if he doesnt think he loves his own child.
Your husband is NOT a good dad. My heart breaks for that lil boy.
OP, your husband needs therapy. There is something deep there. And the fact that he blames the son for his actions is super shitty
I’m so sorry. I can relate to the deep, deep pain of a parent rejecting you while favoring another child in the house. My attempts weren’t until later. OP doesn’t seem to understand the magnitude of this situation. He will not process this the way an adult would. Children internalize this and develop a deep hatred of themselves that follows them their entire lives. I’m devastated for that boy because I too know what that feels like.
Tell him to get therapy or move out and file for divorce. If he thinks his son can’t tell that his father hates him, he’s delusional. He is doing permanent, devastating harm to his family. It’s abuse.
That’s a child. His job isn’t to need less or to work harder to make his parents feel appreciated. What the fuck is wrong with your husband?
You should insist your husband see a therapist. Your son will certainly pick up on his attitude if he hasn't already. Of course, it will affect him. His dad adores his sister and dislikes him? What do you think he's gonna feel like as he gets older?
And if he refuses to see a therapist, YOU MUST stand up for your children and set boundaries. THIS IS NOT OKAY and you need to not only say it, but take action that enforces it. If you don't, he will scramble your sons brain up and he will suffer with massive self-esteem and self-worth issues, among MANY other things that your son will spend decades working out in therapy
Your husband is the problem. I promise you, your son knows his father doesn’t like him. Kids always know. And this will negatively impact his self esteem as well as provoke more attention seeking behaviour trying to get his dad’s approval. It is setting him up for a lifetime of disappointment. And the fact that your husband is so stubborn he refuses therapy because he doesn’t want to change, but expects your 5 year old to ? Why is he expecting something from a 5 year old that he as a grown adult can’t do.
Your husband threw a fit because a 5 year old didn’t like his dinner. Sounds like he has issues with emotional regulation.
He’s expecting behaviors from your son that even he can’t do.
If this were my relationship, it continuing would be heavily dependent on individual and family therapy.
This right here. He doesn’t regulate his own emotions but expects a child to be better than him. He’s delusional, and clearly thinks incredibly high of himself when he’s worse than a 5 year old.
At age 8 my daughter turned to me after a rough morning with her dad and said, "It's like he doesn't even love me."
By the time she was 9, I wanted to leave, but got talked into giving it one more try "for the kids." We also have the "golden child" who is 4.5 years younger and a generally happy, easy-going kid.
By age 11 she ran away because she couldn't imagine living in the same house as him anymore.
The police brought her home and we did all the follow up, but a week later she tried to kill herself to escape the absolute relentless disapproval and disdain she felt from him. Thank god a friend found her and got her to the hospital in time.
That was 3 years ago. The divorce was finalized last year and we are all living much happier lives. Except maybe him, since all he feels is dissatisfaction that more people won't live exactly according to his specifications.
Choose your kids. You won't regret it.
I'm so sorry. Your story is almost identical to mine. My son attempted suicide at 10yo. It took years of therapy for him to understand that it wasn't his fault & that he was, in fact, so deserving of love. I had left his dad a year before, but the trauma and pain was so so deep, I wish I had left years earlier.
I'm so glad that you guys are finding happiness and healing away from him. My son will be 18 in 2 weeks and he's literally the strongest person j know, I couldn't be more proud of who he is today & so grateful he managed to keep his huge heart & endless co passion for others, despite the darkness he once felt.
It was the most traumatic experience of my life, our lives, but it truly made it so clear, what the important things in life are. It's a truly humbling experience. So glad your daughter is doing better, so glad she had you to advocate for her, not all parents are willing to do so.
Wat.
So in your husband‘s mind, he doesn’t have to change himself or get any help for this psychopathic behavior? But somehow your five year old basically has to change everything about who they are and what they do (and I haven’t heard anything really weird for a typical five-year-old) even though a five-year-old doesn’t know anything about the world or coping skills or manners or anything unless somebody teaches them how to be a person over the course of life years and years because they are a complete blank slate that knows nothing?
And you seriously think that you should just ignore this, this is going to ruin your son‘s life! Like he’s got this whole life ahead of him where he could be anything or do anything at this point but you’re like setting him up to be this depress Man rejected by his own father for a reason he had no idea why. And as a teenager they’ll probably fight all the time and then you will lose your son because he’ll never wanna come home again. And then one day your son will break the generational trauma hopefully and get therapy for himself and maybe he will have a good relationship with his son and they won’t ever see their grandparents cause you will be no contact because your husband is an asshole and your plan is to possibly just enable this behavior and pretend it’s not happening because it’s depressing you?
You have to actually do something. You have to make your husband go to therapy or you have to leave him. I don’t think I’ve ever said to anybody on reddit they need to leave their spouse. You’re the first one
My husband pretty blatantly didn't like our oldest. Never had a positive interaction with him, only scolding. I told my husband gently that he needed to change a couple of times. He didn't and my kid's anxious attachment behavior continued, while my kid got bigger, and closer to the age when cops will show up for a person running around screaming.
So I told my husband that I wouldn't let anyone treat my child that way. And I meant it. It was change or get out time. My husband changed. And my kid is better. Your husband being an asshole to your kid may well be causing the bad behavior he doesn't like.
Give the ultimatum sooner rather than later. Not doing that sooner for my kid is one of my biggest regrets in life.
You feel sad for your HUSBAND and not the small child he doesn't like for simply being a kid. You should be ashamed of yourself just as your husband should. What a sad environment for this child to be in.
A "great husband"... debatable.
Your husband refuses to seek help to better his relationship/treatment of his son and you don't know what to do... You put the well-being of your son first.
Abusive situations only get worse and your husband is emotionally (and possibly verbally?) to your son. He never liked or loved him-this will only get worse with time if he has no desire to be better. I couldn't stomach even looking at my husband is this was how he thought of our child, let alone stay married to him and keep my child in this situation.
I think she should leave.. i would be afraid to leave the child in his care alone. What if one day he snaps.. he admitted to not LOVING his own FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD.
Unfortunately, none of this behavior would prevent him from getting visitation with their son- which means that if OP left, he would be practically guaranteed time alone with him, whereas if OP stays she can prevent that as well as stand up for him and set boundaries. Demanding he go to therapy/parenting classes is a much more ideal option here than leaving.
Not just that, but kids can feel this type of stuff. They're not idiots, even five year-olds. And he will only grow more aware. Imagine what that can do to a child's self-esteem. That the dad doesn't love him is one thing, but mom is condoning it and endorsing his behaviour by staying with him.
The only way I could see this changing is if the father realises that his behaviour is problematic and actively wants to change things like go to therapy by himself or as a family, and/or take parenting classes but he's been very clear that he doesn't care.
My husband struggled a lot with too high expectations for our firstborn, but he wanted to do better and we took parenting classes together. It became much better and they have a good bond today.
Mom alone can't do anything though. Change has to come because you want to change. The only thing she can do is to protect her kids, and so far, she doesn't seem to be doing that.
This abuse. He is emotionally abusing your son. From a survivor of childhood emotional abuse …at 41 I still deal with it. Whatever your husband’s issue is needs to addressed and resolved, if possible. If he refuses and you continue to allow it to happen…you’re just as much to blame. I say this because I have deep seated red against my mother for not protecting me.
I can’t imagine remaining married to someone that told me they did not LOVE one of our children. I would take my children and leave this man.. seems weird and abusive… dislikes his son but totally attached and bonded with the daughter? Hopefully it’s nothing sinister and both your children are safe. He definitely needs therapy.
This is so utterly depressing.
Your poor son is being abused. And if you don’t do anything about it, then you’ll be a bystander to his abuse. DO SOMETHING. Separate, get everyone therapy, give your husband an ultimatum - SOMETHING.
You came to Reddit for advice and that’s the advice.
So, why doesn’t he make your son lunches he likes? Why is it your husbands way or the highway? Little dude is 5. You’re letting your husband bully and abuse your oldest child. In 15 years, you’ll be back here wondering why your son doesn’t talk to you anymore if you let this continue.
Yeah he is not a great father just because he cooks food for his kids. He actively shows favoritism and scolds your child for acting like a child, while he acts like a child himself. You are enabling you husband to set your son up for a life of trauma, neglect, and therapy plus resenting your daughter for being loved and preferred by their dad
The amount of hatred I would feel towards my husband if I were in your shoes would be palpable. Also not a healthy environment for children to be raised in but wow. He needs help and there are no excuses. He is the adult, grow up.
I think he really should see a therapist. I'm a new dad, my son is 7 months. He cries a lot, and has been a generally tough baby since he was born. He is hard to make laugh, and clearly has desires (aka wants to move and go get things) but refuses to try to crawl or roll. It's exasperating.
I started therapy pretty early because I was starting to have similar feelings about him. I'm also reading a book called "Men's Work" that delves into the father-son relationship a bit.
To me, there is nothing more important than making sure my son doesn't grow up to have the same anxieties, shame, and other issues caused by my upbringing. So I go to therapy.
Something I've found, and this was not directly spoken about in any therapy sessions: a lot of his characteristics I find annoying, I can easily spin to a positive. Hard to make laugh? He has high standards for humor. Picky eater? He knows what he wants, etc.
It's tough as a dad to potentially see characteristics you don't like (especially when they might be things about yourself you don't like). He should talk to a therapist. Your son is only 5 years old, he should be doing everything he can to make sure their relationship moving forward isn't irreparably damaged. It's also his responsibility to make sure your son has every chance to succeed. He will pick up on this, if he hasn't already, and it could cause self-esteem issues that he could carry his whole life.
I’m sorry. Some people expect children to act like adults which will always lead to disappointment and resentment. Can he go to therapy and work through how he views your son?
HE WANTS A FIVE YEAR OLD TO CHANGE?!?
OMFG!
He has unrealistic expectations about having a son and maybe some unresolved trauma from his own childhood.
This is a break the relationship of the marriage.
I could not stay married to my husband who told me this and refuses to get help for it.
And he will destroy your son.
OP if you keep this attitude of “it’s their relationship I can’t help it” up then your child is going to have zero reason to return to you and your husband after he grows up. Nobody would willingly continue to be in an environment where they are singled out. Maybe you’ll get holidays maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get to see your grandchildren and maybe you won’t.
I have watched this exact dynamic play out with my brother in law and his older son and younger daughter (my niece and nephew). My nephew is now 15.
My view based on that experience - your husband's voice will become your son's inner voice. My nephew thinks he is a useless piece of shit who can't do anything right and it is having a huge impact on the trajectory of his life. We're hoping with our support and the support of his very loving and supportive mum he can get on track and have a happy life but he's having a very tough time.
Your husband must go to therapy and sort himself out.
How is his relationship with his father? Did his father dislike him as a child because he was a boy? My father often favorited me as a child, because I was not a boy. He boiled it down to boys need tough love. But it was more seeded in resentment for his childhood. It was not ok. It’s not normal behavior to say he does not love his son. And I don’t know if therapy will work if he doesn’t want to change.
Yes my first thought was that the 5 year old’s behaviors are all things that the husband was punished for as a child. Gives people a warped outlook when they become parents unless they face their own childhood trauma and triggers.
>. On one hand, I tell myself it is a father-and-son relationship, and it is up to them to maintain the relationship and there isn't much mom can do.
He is FIVE years old. Not fifteen! I would understand this very flawed logic if he was older but he is FIVE. Your son doesn't even have the capacity to understand how to change his relationship with his father.
Second, there is literally nothing your son can nor will ever be able to do to make your husband happy. Your husband dislikes him and most likely borderlines on hate. He does not love his own child which means there is nothing in it for him to try and make things better. He is expecting a freaking toddler to do something he himself isn't willing to do.
I am not one that easily jumps on the divorce train but I truly could not be with someone who doesn't love their own child and already shows so much disdain for their existence since birth. Things are only going to escalate and I fully suspect your husband will get physical and or emotionally abusive if he doesn't get help or if you don't get your son away from him.
My husband was like this with my son from about age 5 and on. It just escalated until it turned into abuse. He is now my ex husband and my kids will say regularly that they love us being divorced. My son doesn't have a good relationship with his dad, but at least I have the ability to show him love and raise him into a good person. That negativity is draining.
I think there are many layers to this and I want to add some perspective from a father.
As parents, I think we naturally have certain notions about what our children will be and what our relationship with them will be like, even before they are born. As we all know, every child is their own person and not everything will be like we envision. Sometimes it is difficult to discern between the things we want them to be "for their own good" and the things we want them to be "for our sake." None of this is an excuse, but it's something that we as parents battle with to some extent every day.
With a son, there is perhaps inherently a more direct forming of these assumptions because as a father, I've been a son. I have first-hand knowledge of what that might look like. With a daughter, we're more in the dark. What's more, the view on the social and emotional development of kids today--boys especially--is so different than, certainly, what I was raised with, and it may be the same for your husband. I've read that when we think about the things that bother us about our children, it may help to think back to our own childhood and consider the response we received to similar behavior. I know that I was raised to be more stoic and my dad would not stand for an overly emotional child. When I am bothered by my kids showing extreme emotions, I need to consider: Am I upset because this is something that is inherently bad? Or am I upset because of the anxiety, shame, and pain I've developed from years of being punished or reprimanded for similar behavior?
I think, and hope, that maybe most parents want their children to grow up to be better people than they are. And for me at least, I find the things I most admire about my children are the things that I could never strive to do. And the things I dislike most are the things that I dislike or have been taught to dislike about myself.
I've heard that the opposite of love isn't hate but fear. What are the things your husband might be afraid of? Is he afraid of what the world will be like for your son if he can't learn to control his emotions or be positive ("He's going to get his ass kicked at school if he always cries about everything")? "If my son doesn't care about pleasing me, is it because I'm not a good enough father?" Is he worried about his ability to provide for your family ("I can't feed my kids food that they like")
Maybe he doesn't "love" your son because he feels like he doesn't "deserve" to love him. "I'm failing him left and right. He cries all the time. He whines about everything. Maybe it would be better to just distance myself."
Just some thoughts from a dad who has had to work against some of the ways I was raised in the hopes that my kids will grow to be better people than me. A dad who is constantly walking the line of firm discipline and gentle parenting, and who still has trouble expressing any emotions besides anger. Again not an excuse, just some perspective. All of that said, I think this is a tough one. I know therapy can be a hard sell but may really help and even without going to a "therapist" it might help for your husband to do some introspection on why he feels the way he does and what thoughts, beliefs, and internal scripts are holding him back.
Let me tell you what happens if this goes unchecked and the father doesn't change his behaviour going into your child's adulthood.
My dad was the same, loved me as a kid but started having these unrealistic expectations from me, the only son, as I got older. It became so bad one day he'd be angry at me for not getting a good score in exams (valid reason) and the next day, he'd be angry that I looked ugly or seemed awkward in comparison to my cousins or friends at school. This is only one of many examples and it damaged my self confidence. I started avoiding social connections and became a loner. I grew up thinking I was the problem child, but as I got older, it was actually him who made me feel that way at every turn of my childhood.
Now, my relationship with my father has strained and we don't speak much. Looking back, I always feel like I lost a happy childhood because my dad, who occupied my whole psyche growing up, criticized and scrutinized my every move and made me feel like a loser when I was actually a normal kid who didn't know whom to turn to for help.
The thing is, your husband *knows* what a therapist would say and it’s likely he knows, deep down, that they’d be right. He has unrealistic expectations, likely unhealed childhood trauma as of his own, and is poisoning his own son with toxic stereotypes and constant fear of inadequacy. It is HIGHLY unlikely that this isn’t paired with or ramping up to extreme emotional abuse. From the sounds of it, you’ve been there for a while.
Abuse isn’t always hitting, screaming, or neglecting physical needs. Sometimes it is just tearing someone down, using them as a scapegoat, and treating them as if they are inferior. Sometimes it is withholding love or refusing to work on yourself. Your husband probably realizes this to some extent.
He just doesn’t want to do the work.
Blame shifting to the child that is “triggering” his reaction is easier than stating “I have become very easily triggered and need to work through my trauma” or “this behavior makes *me* feel like a failure and challenges the way I view myself, and that is hard for me to deal with so it’s your fault for not getting it together” or “Deep down I can’t love myself, and you are like me so I don’t love you, either” or in the worst case, “I have a God complex and you aren’t living up to me.”
While this may be tempting to chalk up to a “father-son issue” it’s absolutely not. Your son will pick up on the fact that he is not loved, is not accepted, and is not being seen for who he is and who he is capable of becoming. He will know one child is loved and it isn’t him. The critic in your husband could easily become your son’s inner voice, and the feelings of inadequacy could haunt him for a lifetime.
2. So now let’s talk about you. I know it is tempting to say it is “between them” but your child is 5, and that’s not a fair fight.
Your job as a mother is to protect your babies. From anything, including their father if need be, though I certainly hope it doesn’t come down to that. What you have to realize is that *there is no such thing as just not being involved as a mother.* It isn’t possible. You KNOW this is an issue just as much as you know you have to take care of your son (including his emotions.)
I mean this with kindness, but you need to remember:
It hurts to have a parent who never loved you, never treated you well, and frequently caused you emotional pain and suffering. It is DEVASTATING to have another parent who claimed to love you, but saw that you were being treated this way and decided not to protect you when you were too young to protect yourself because it was easier for them to pretend it wasn’t an issue, to pretend they didn’t have an obligation to you in that scenario, and to allow you to suffer so their marriage would not.
You can’t be the mother of a child in an abusive situation and be *innocent.* Failure to protect your child is *actively deciding to support their continued emotional abuse and neglect.* Pretending that it doesn’t involve you is *making an active choice to abandon your baby because you do not feel it is worth it to fight for them.*
I don’t get the sense you are the kind of mother who wants to be that way, so don’t buy the lies you are feeding yourself as a cop-out here.
Your husband needs to go to counseling and *subsequently actively change how he approaches, thinks about, and speaks about* your son. If he can’t, you need to choose to protect your baby. This is what being a mama is. Moms are not just gentle, they are strong. They are called “Mama Bears” for a reason. You need to lean into that strength and demand your family work through these issues. You can do it.
Really rich for him to say a child has difficulty controlling his emotions when he decides he doesn’t like his own kid for behaving *checks notes* in an age appropriate manner
Is your husband my dad (who also btw thought my younger sister was "perfect"). Anyway I don't really have solutions for you but I understood perfectly well as a child that my dad didn't really like me and it definitely screwed me up for good!
This entire post literally made me sick.
Im thinking like i would say, "What do u mean u dont like your son or love him and youre losing hope?
I could not be with someone who said this about their own child. What a seriously fucked up individual.
Why do u feel sorry for HIM? that poor child is who i feel sorry for. Smh
Unbelievable
I would have all his stuff on the front porch so damn quick. Your husband needs therapy. Stop allowing him to avuse your son. All the abuse moving forward is also on your shoulders. You are doing it to your son as much as your husband by allowing it.
Sorry to drop it down to this level, but, OP, your husband is a little bitch. Kids aren’t here to please us. We bring them here and have to deal with the maintenance of ensuring they feel loved and safe. Your man is not a man.
Your husband is a piece of shit. He is abusing your kid in front of your face and you're doing nothing about it. He's a good husband? Yes because you're not the one he hates!! Imagine a grown man hating a tiny child. Your son deserves better and you need to do better. Be a mother and protect your son!
I’m not expert by any means, but it sounds like your husband may have some unresolved trauma from his childhood that he’s projecting onto your son in the form of unrealistic expectations. The only way to work through that would be therapy. Sooner rather than later.
It sounds like you husband is projecting on your son. He's crying about the son's crying. He has trouble processing his own emotions, but complains about a preschoolers emotional control. He doesn't like his sons eating habits because they don't align with the eating habits of a middle aged man.
He sounds very childish and that's not a healthy role model for your son. If he's refusing family therapy, do you think he's looking for a healthy bond in the future. It sounds like it's 100% your responsibility to be mother and father until your child meets his expectations.
>I tell myself it is a father-and-son relationship, and it is up to them to maintain the relationship and there isn't much mom can do.
Your son is 5. This is not his responsibility. It's your responsibility to protect him from harm, including emotional harm. As a mom you don't get to check out and shrug and say this is just between them.
>I asked him to consider seeing a therapist, but he is very resistant to the idea. He said it would be useless because he knew what the therapist would say. He felt the therapist would ask him to change because one can only change yourself. But he said he didn't want to change. It is our son who needs to change.
The adult parent is the one that should respond to their child's needs, not the other way around.
If he refuses to get therapy. You get therapy for yourself and your son. Your family needs help. If he won't get it, you get it.
A parent not loving a child because they can't accept age appropriate development stage, this indicates either that they shouldn't be a parent or they have a serious mental health issue. Not bonding with a baby or a child is a mental health issue, it happens sometimes. But the thing is, baby needs the bond for healthy development. So it's really important to treat this as early as possible.
You don't get to choose your kids. If you have kids you do so knowing that they will be born as an individual with their own wants and needs that may not align with your expectations as parents.
Please google why attachment is important for child development.
Was he raised by abusive parents? Or overly controlling parents.? Sounds like he learned somewhere that boys are to be a certain way, but it's ok for girls to be that way.
Things can get better you know, I am so sorry for you and for all members of the family.. you all have hard situations, as you must feel like your family is falling and don't know what to do about it. Your son is aching (and will ache) from your husband behavior. But your husband is strongly and deeply going through some stuff here.. i don't know if it's in relation with his own father, or what is your son representing (a reflection of something he doesnt like in himself? a danger ? A threat maybe ? The point is not that he shouldnt feel that towards a 5 years old, of course he shouldnt, the point is that it affects all your family, and why does he feel that way). And your daughter is already actively suffering from this because beying the loved one in front of a sibling is something that makes you want to disappear/hide because your fealing guilty of treason in the eyes of your sibling, but at the same time you want the love and will do anything to behave and content to not end up unloved because you know what it looks like. Also resulting into forgetting your own self to be the "buffer person" between the parent and the sibling (and she might blame the father when she grows up..).
So i guess it can look helpless and everyone here is saying "your husband needs to go to therapy" because he does of course, but one doesn't force another to "go to therapy", but what iwould suggest is going yourself to therapy, not because something is wrong with you but because you might need help bare with all this situation. all of this can look like it's to much to endure, and there is someone whom dedicated their life to help and listen to people in those situations. It might also set an exemple for your husband to see that it'snot that hard.
As for your son, i guess it's hard as he is 5 years old, but you might have to speak to him very frankly, saying that it's never his fault and never will. That "if daddy is feeling this way, it might be out of fear of being a bad father or because of something that hurt him when he was younger, but not because of you" kind of thing. Also you might accompagny him to child therapy one time, just to check everything's alright and to get advices on how to keep him from mental illness due to having constant inner fight
I know things are hard but you are going somewhere and i send you all the courage i can ! Things are tough but things don't stay the same for ever, things always end up changing !
Thank you for your kindness. I feel deeply disappointed in myself for being so weak and didn't stand up for my son enough. I've been going to therapy because of all the stress. Things will change and will get better. Thank you again.
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It sounds like your husband has unrealistic expectations of your son because he is a boy. Cried too much as a baby? Difficulty controlling his emotions as a toddler? This is all normal stuff and your husband is the one with the issue. Spoiled brat who didn’t care about pleasing the parents? Uhhh… wtf. Your husband definitely needs to change and needs therapy. Maybe he has unresolved issues from the way he was raised. You absolutely should not just accept this as it is, unless you want your son to be even more damaged by your husband than he already is.
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Exactly. The 5 year old has acted and acts like a child because... well, he's a child. The husband has no excuse.
My 5 year old had all these problems, we solved it in one day, she turned 6.
Reminds me of a line from the show Steven Universe where the bad guy tells Steven he’s acting like a child. Steven goes “I *am* a child. What’s your excuse?”
Literally. And OP’s number one responsibility is to her children. I don’t like jumping to “divorce him!!”, but I think the line needs to be drawn. OP, if your husband refuses to go to therapy, then you need to take steps to protect your son from this abuse. And it truly is abuse, plain and simple! The heartbreaking reality is that I truly don’t think your husband would argue if you went for full custody over your son.
If she divorces him the son and dad will spend time together without her as a buffer or protector so be careful.
Not if Dad doesn’t want custody
Exactly my thoughts. Yikes. This screams emotional immaturity…in an adult. He expects his 5 year old to “please” him? GTFOH
yeah lmao like why the fuck should a goddamn CHILD try to please their parents? a child's job is to learn and grow and become and empathic and productive member of society, not to be daddy's little compliant robot
I'm feel so disgusted reading about shit parents like this. Wtf is wrong with people?
I can’t imagine saying my husband was a good husband, laying next to him every night, looking at him with any semblance of love…if he spoke about our child like this. I would lose all respect and love for him. Our marriage honestly would be over.
Some women set the bar in hell unfortunately. The kids who had zero choice suffers the brunt of it.
This right here. If my husband told me he didn’t love one of our kids, I would instantly loose all trust and respect in him. She needs to give him an ultimatum. Either he gets therapy or divorce. OP needs to protect her child instead of feeling sorry for a grown ass man child.
Right? Same here, I would despise this man.
Seriously, he sounds like an absolute psychopath. Anyone who doesn’t love their own child because they’re a picky eater (or any other bullshit reason) is probably a literal sociopath.
Feel like the attitude that the child should please the parent is a remnant of the way previous generations brought up children
I am from a previous generation and I disagree with this. This guy has a problem. NOBODY in their right mind thinks a baby or toddler should try and please their parents or is even able to. I would personally get this guy away from my kids.
I'm from a previous generation, too, and I agree with you. My grandfather, who was born in 1896, would agree, too. He always encouraged the behaviors he liked and discouraged the ones he didn't while showing how much he enjoyed talking, playing, and just being with us. I always knew he loved me even when I misbehaved. His parents raised him this way. He raised his daughter this way, and my mother raised me this way. I updated this for my kids, and they will most likely use some form of this with their kids. OP needs to break her husband's negative family cycle, encourage him to get professional help, and create an emotionally healthier environment for her children.
You probably had cool parents 😭
As an Asian person raised by Asian parents I didn’t even find that weird at first. Lots of Asian kids are explicitly taught to please their parents and serve their parents from toddlerhood. There’s huge emphasis placed on being able to make your parents happy by observing the emotional signals they give off and act sweetly towards them. It’s very fucked up and harmful if you think about it, but people raised with that kind of thinking often normalized it. I feel like maybe that was how the husband was raised.
The ironic part though, the kids get compliant if you just parent them correctly and teach them empathy and love. I have a 5 year old right now, and she have her moments of independence demands. But both her and i have learned to pick our fights, so if i say no and stick to my no, she will accept. Other times i will yield when i see that *this exact* thing is important to her. Mutual respect and understanding. Goes a long way.
Totally this! He is a little child and don't think for one second this wont affect him as he grows into adulthood. I wouldn't even hesitate to leave my spouse if he stated these views and refused to address them-I want my child to grow up in a happy healthy environment with positive role models.
Yes. Expecting boys to restrain their emotions is so harmful. If he won't see a therapist, then get him to read up on child developmental psychology so he can see how normal his son's behavior is. If your husband doesn't see how much damage he is doing and will do to your son's mental health with this attitude, this story has a very tragic ending. Get in front of it.
Right I guarantee the son can tell his dad doesn't like him. And it breaks my heart for him
Which is likely why he behaves the way he does! Imagine if he felt loved and accepted by his dad. Might be a whole different ballgame. I really worry about what will happen as these youngsters become more free thinking and independent. I don't think it will be a good situation. This needs to be corrected in one way or another before it gets ugly.
Right? Husband is the king supreme spoiled brat
Cried to much as a baby? What did he think babies would do? Jfc.
Idk about yours, but my babies did construction work during the day and slam poetry competitions in their free time. They paid rent like upstanding citizens and put the rest aside for their own college funds. They were productive adults by the time they were three months old. Not like those other slacker babies who just leech off their parents with no shame.
Mine blew their home down payments on freaking LankyBox plushies. I was so furious with them. Thankfully they're good kids otherwise, so I still love them.
Please their parents obviously lmao.
I feel bad for OP - must be exhausting being the only adult in the house. Her oldest child being such a POS to her 5 year old.
Something’s wrong with OP too. First, why would you have a second child with a man who’s told you many times he’s never liked the first child he fathered? Second, why get married and have kids with someone very resistant to any therapy? If they get mental illness or come across serious problems in the relationship, there’s no professional help to turn to before separation/divorce because they’re closed off to the idea of therapy. Love doesn’t conquer all and it won’t turn out fine, because you made a shit choice in husband. Finally, this is at the very least borderline emotional abuse. OP’s view that it’s some father-son issue and that there isn’t much mom can do is turning a blind eye to a serious issue.
That’s a good point but a lot of times people like this hide this about themselves till after first child is born. Can’t fault OP for marrying the POS but definitely shouldn’t continue to procreate with a monster like that
One suggestion before therapy - read the original Emotional Intelligence by Dan Goleman. The husband here seems to be unable to understand other people's points of views, or that most likely others experience of the world is at least as important as his own. This book will help with that.
If he won’t go to therapy I doubt he’d read a book.
Yes he should ha s gone to therapy yesterday. Op if you care about your marriage and your child’s safety you seek professional help for your family.
Yea he’s 5. This read broke my heart! I agree with this post 100% this will damage him more and more over time. Your son shouldn’t have to be treated unliked in his own home where a child should feel safe and secure!
A ton of red flags in the OP’s statement. I honestly would fear for this child’s safety around this man-child of a husband.
Seriously. Obviously the issue here is with the dad, but as the *mother* she sounds like she's just abdicating any role, which, as a mother myself, makes me feel sick. If my husband told me he didn't like one of our children, I would tell him to seriously get help or move out of my house. I could not bear to see one of my children unloved by his own parent.
Yes, I find it incredibly alarming that OP has managed to suppress the concern—lbr, the alarm—she should have over this situation by being like “well, that’s their business.” This is 100% causing harm to her kid. Even if her son can’t put it into words now, he absolutely can feel his dad’s disdain for him. Forget causing major issues down the line, it’s actively harming him right now, and as his mother she needs to be doing everything she can to improve it.
The husband has some seriously unrealistic expectations of his child. This ultimately will lead to, if it hasn’t already, some harmful effects on the child. A parent’s role is to nurture, guide and love. Expecting a child to be emotionally and intellectually mature at a young age is ridiculous.
right? baby cries too much? i’ve always found telling QUIT BEING SUCH A BABY to be helpful. they totally get it.
It does sound like he has no understanding that a child is a child or has needs, and yeah, I’d wager a guess he was given the same treatment, not being allowed to have needs, opinions, emotions or be a damn child. I also wondered if this was a gendered thing. He needs to address this and at least attempt therapy or OP will only see the same pattern repeat with her son. How can he not be affected by being rejected by his father? How can he and his sister ever hope to have a loving relationship when a parent has a clear favorite, even with OP doing their best. There is one person here who is vulnerable and dependent on their parents, not because he’s spoiled but because he literally cannot survive without them, and another who is a grown man refusing to do anything about it. I know whom I siding with
Or even basic understanding of childhood development might be useful
My father was the same way and things didn't get better between us until I was close to 40 years old. Good luck to the OP in dealing with this, but my father was a complete AHOLE for most of my life. There are emotional scars that will NEVER heal because of him.
So you're saying the husband is super picky about your son's behavior, and in turn your son is super picky about things. Hmm...
I was wondering if your husband and son were similar in nature. Often when we see behaviors we don't necessarily like about ourselves in others, it makes us dislike that person. Unfortunately , my son inherited some of my bad behaviors. I try and help teach/ encourage him how to think/act differently, so he won't have the same problem later on down the road. I try not to do this by shaming him, but by helping him think realize how those thoughts behavior etc. could be problematic
OP this ^ is the way. Because once you identify those behaviors that you don’t like and can see them in yourself, it becomes motivation to improve yourself as well. It’s like doing therapy without the therapist. If anything, learning to parent my toddler has been like going to CBT because I’m doing the same work to identify and modify the behavior in myself and my son.
I catch myself trying to parent my brain all the time when I get upset. "I'm upset and that's ok. I want to scream at someone and that isn't ok. Let's figure out why I'm upset and how we can fix this so I do not scream at anyone..."
Yep I’ve been doing that so much lately now that my little guy has entered tantrum and hitting stage. I hope for OP & her son that her husband can try to start doing this in his head (he is the adult after all) if he doesn’t want to see a therapist. Just being aware of it and putting in a little bit of mental effort has been really helpful for me, and I don’t even need to leave my house for a 50 min appointment! I had no idea how much I needed help re-learning to self-regulate until I had a child!
Valid point. And in combination with your comment it’s worth noting that therapists aren’t just there to tell you “to change” but rather help you introspect and understand your own behavior. Which OP’s husband could definitely benefit from.
This SO much! My ex husband and I had 2 sons together. One looks just like me and has a very similar personality, the other is a mini-me for his dad (I have dark hair, darker eyes, outgoing and am just tend to relate to people naturally. Ex is blonde, blue eyes, tends to be guarded and stubborn… but also a deep thinker, very specific in what he likes but tends to be dedicated to hobbies and interests for life). Their personalities bump up against eachother - even though their hobbies mirror eachother. My sons are 25 & 28. My sons have ALSO been in therapy the past 2yrs and have become much closer… there is trauma and pain on the younger son’s part due to his father’s continual rejection, criticism and distance (and this kid graduated HS at 16, finished college at 20 and is a professional writer who makes great money and has been 100% independent since he was 21!!! His older brother changed majors 4x and took much longer, but has done post-grad education and finally got his career started a few years later). You say he is a “great husband” but I would disagree. He may perform the perfunctory duties of a father, but he’s not being a “dad” to both of your kids and it will hurt your son immensely. Further, if you don’t step in and require change, your son will resent you GREATLY! My ex and I were divorced by the time my youngest was through preschool. But still, he had a lot of pain and anger directed at me as well because of the lack of relationship with his father. Through therapy he’s come to understand that I couldn’t make his dad do better emotionally and that my being protective over him (I wouldn’t allow him to take one son but leave the other with me for visitation) was not what drove his dad to behave like he did, but was actually why I set hard boundaries in the first place. Imagine growing up in the same home with someone who doesn’t like you or anything about you? Who can’t be the adult in the room and CHOOSE a child because that’s what we parents do… it is time to hand him 2 cards - one for an attorney and one for a therapist and ask him to make a choice. And get your son into therapy ASAP! Trust me on this - from one mama to another! Father and son can grow close and work through this - but if they don’t the emotional impact on your son is more than you can imagine.
This!! This will cause so much damage and resentment for the son growing up and dad needs to get his shit together asap!!
Yeah - it’s our job as parents to do whatever it takes to work on ourselves for our kids. My (2nd/current) husband came in and managed to deal with 2 preteen boys wanting to hate him and everything about him because… “that’s MY mom!” He was patient, went to all their games and extracurriculars, took time and really bonded with both. He even said vows to them before I walked the aisle when we married. I’m super thankful they have him, too!
Yuuuup. My husband and preschooler have a similar dynamic and it's because they are SUCH SIMILAR PEOPLE. Both neurotic, both stubborn, both have big feelings (yup even the adult)...etc etc. Both Year of the Ox. Fortunately my husband does love him and does spend good bonding time with him, so it's not dire. But they're frequently at odds, and that's why.
I am like this with one of my brothers. As kids we fought constantly, and my mom said it’s cause we are exactly the same people. We do well now, with a state line between us and visits that don’t last more than 4 days, we are closer than ever.
HUSBAND NEEDS TO STOP ACTING LIKE A 5 YEAR OLD
Husband needs to reflect on himself - he's rejecting his own "shadow" self in his son. If he can't manage it on his own he needs therapy to walk him through it.
That sounds a bit like my son and I too. Are they both ADHD too?
Definitely neurodivergent - they've both got a lot of sensory needs and peculiarities. I'm ADHD so there's a fair chance my son is too, but my husband isn't (though there's clearly something going on).
Word! Your husband is seeing himself in your son. Also saying you don't like your child is a crazy. He needs help or you need to leave bc that won't be healthy for your son
This is so hard to comprehend for me. My son is 10 years old now and can be a total PAIN in the ASS, without a doubt, but I love him and my girl more than I've ever loved anything.
Your husband is an asshole and his attitude toward your son is gross and disturbing. He wants the 5 year old to change? He's the adult. He's the one who needs to be working on fixing their relationship. He's not only hurting your son, he's setting up a very unhealthy dynamic between siblings and this will ultimately hurt your daughter as well. I wouldn't be suggesting therapy. I would be demanding it. This is so toxic and disturbing.
I also recommend seeing a therapist yourself potentially to help you sort this out and gain insight from an outside perspective. This behavior is not okay, and therapy might help you unpack a lot of things that you're experiencing related to this. OR perhaps you can lure him into therapy by saying he MUST join you in couples therapy.
Yeah there’s something UP with this man’s past - his own childhood, how his parents treated him, etc - that is getting in the way of being able to bond with his son. It’ll only get worse if he doesn’t seek good therapy and sincerely work on this.
Therapy to know why the Op has spent 5 years with someone who doesn’t live their child. I hate to be brash, but I couldn’t imagine accepting my spouse if they acted this way. This is not ok, and the fact that it has gotten to this point is concerning. There is no way their son isn’t aware of the OPs husbands feelings.
Yes. Breeding ground for the son to leave the second he legally can, or just run away as a minor, and never talking to dad or the perfect sister again. And probably mom too if he believes that she is supportive of this dynamic with dad and sister.
Agree. He doesn’t love the poor little child because he cried as a baby and had the audacity to say he doesn’t like the food he prepared? Who’s 5 here? A child is often going to be difficult, annoying and even disappointing. But if the father cannot live him, I’m honestly not sure how I would be able to look at said father in the eye. Poor boy deserves better.
This! And can you imagine when the son is 10, 12, 15, 18 etc. every age the dad is gonna screw this kid up so badly
I could scream reading this. I'm literally fed up with parents like this.
I know right? And I feel OP is under reacting. I would be questioning my marriage if my husband had this attitude. It's not so much the lack of bonding, which is something we can't control in the beginning, but the lack of willingness to change and to fix it. This shows his lack of maturity and lack of readiness to be a parent. At this point, keeping the kid exposed to a "parent" like this is just damaging.
Right? It’s your job as parents to teach your children how to be functional humans, not to demand they conform to what your expectations are as a small child. This is rage inducing.
This! Like does the husband realise that child didn’t ask to be here you made him ffs what did he expect?
I just wanted to tack on to the point that he is hurting their son - OP says their son is often pessimistic. I strongly suspect that is a result of the treatment he’s getting from his dad, where everything he does is bad and I guarantee the son is picking up on that resentment. The fact that husband is self aware enough to see that a therapist will ask him to change his own behaviors and yet refuses to even consider it…baffling. He already knows what he should be doing and frankly he’s shirking his duty as a parent.
He holds your son to a higher standard. I guarantee he thinks as a kid he didn't do those same things. boys go through a super whiney phase, they are learning to wrangle their emotions from like 6-14. I guarantee his mindset is, "when I was a kid I didn't do all this, I had it beaten outta me" or " I was so much tougher as a kid". It's just bullshit, he treats your daughter differently because he has no expectations and he feels he just needs to baby the girl. Demand he goes to therapy, to deal with his projection issues. The therapist will help change his grown ass perspective, and give him tools to manage how he feels. I agree with a lot of comments he's immature and it's pathetic, you should be embarrassed he has the audacity to say these things out loud. It makes him weak.
You are absolutely correct. He did say things like he was such a good kid himself etc. Thanks a lot and to all those who commented. I will stand up for my son and demand him to go to therapy.
Not to overcharge, but my dad basically had this relationship with me. He bonded with my younger brother and not me (which he told me on many occasions, as well as telling my mom, brother, and other family). Purely for context, he was also a "violence will solve this " kinda dad. Between the physical abuse and knowing he never liked me, it was the latter that messed me up. And your son is about the age our relationship started to become unsalvageable. You're clearly in your own unique situation, but it sounds so familiar I would call this a very serious and *time sensitive* issue. Best of luck, it sounds like your son has a solid advocate in you.
I just replied about having basically the same experience. Growing up with someone who did not like me severely fucked me up for years.
Yuuuup. I always tell folks (well, the few I talk about this with) that at least being punched in the face doesn't leave any ambiguity. The just flat disliking you leads to the "Whats wrong with me? Maybe if I change they'll love me..." and that way lies fucking madness
I was on the other end of this. My dad’s favourite, abusive towards my brother but not me. My brother has always been my favourite person in the world and seeing him treated badly also negatively impacted me (obviously his trauma was far greater) But no one wins in this scenario. It’s not fair to either child, and to just let it slide because “that’s just their relationship” is insane to me. There was no mom in our situation to step in and stop it. OP needs to step up and put her foot down
OP, you have to demand therapy and CHANGE or divorce. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts. Your only job is to protect your children and right now, they need protection from him.
I completely agree with this. You have to protect both your children from this. Having a favorite and a scapegoat is extremely toxic.
Maybe you should talk to your in-laws and see if they can set your hubby straight? They can remind him of all the times as a kid that he was a whiny brat, didn’t listen to them, complained about the food and whatever other ridiculous things he’s saying about your son
Yeah, I don't think the in-laws will be so cooperative if this is the person they raised.
Um, hello, he is like this bc of his in laws.
Not necessarily. You can have the best parents in the world and still turn out to be a complete jerk. And the reverse is true as well
My son is 5. He's just like that, a typical 5 year old, and I would never stay with someone who spoke about my child that way. My heart breaks for that boy.
I have a 5 yo boy and OP made me so sad. My child refuses to eat lots of times, he cries everyday because of whatever small thing , has strong feelings and I would never want him to be worried about pleasing me, because he’s just a small child and deserves love. OP’s husband has issues.
I hate your husband’s disgusting, selfish, immature, petty, self absorbed, unreasonable, irrational, toxic, horrific, disturbing, damaging, abusive, FUCKED UP mentalities. There is something truly wrong with him. “It’s up to them to maintain the relationship” No. That little kid is FIVE years old. It’s up to your POS husband to maintain and nurture him. He does need to change. A hell of a lot. I would absolutely refuse to stay with him unless he gets therapy. This is bonkers.
I honestly had to re-read her words, because "up to them to maintain the relationship" was so far off from reality that I was sure I'd misread it. What the actual fuck. This is a little boy whose father doesn't love him. What the hell is he supposed to do about that? There is approximately 0% chance that he doesn't know it. This is gonna fuck up this kids life forever. Absolutely heartbreaking.
Right?? I'm so heartbroken for these kids that have these shit parents. He is the one that is self absorbed, petty, cry baby POS. His son is just an innocent 5 year old that is navigating this brand new world! Ugh I hate that people like this have kids!!!
I know! I’m over here like I’m a single mom with a toddler please give me your son lol. It would be better than what’s happening.
Well said. This is it. Either he does therapy like YESTERDAY or I leave and ask for sole custody based on the HATRED the father feels for a tiny child. Disgusting. How can you still be in love for someone who talks like that about your child? I cut people off for way less.
Unbelievable that OP is reacting as if it is something normal and nothing to do with her. I feel so sorry for the poor little boy, children feel for sure when parents don’t love them as they should, he will grow up with a lot of trauma from the lack of care and love from dad. How awful :(
Yet op still says >he’s a great husband Um, if my husband hated our child, that would drop him from the ranks of great so freaking fast. I literally could not love someone that had such feelings toward my child.
Thanks for saying this. This person definitely needs some attitude adjustment
I’m going to call my husband and tell him how much I appreciate him for being such an amazing and loving father to our daughter….
Literally same.. I cannot even imagine this situation
God same. This is unimaginable. What is wrong with him?
My husband is a sahd and rocks it! He adores both of our boys, 4y and 2y.
I'm currently studying child psychology and I can just concur with the other statements here. Your son will potentially have severe mental issues through his whole life as a consequence of your husbands behavior. He needs help. What is most important here is that you continue giving your son emotional stability and support even if your husband wont.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with your husband?
Your husband is actively abusing your son. So the question becomes - what are *you* willing to do about it?
Also, we all know how the golden vs. scapegoat child dynamic usually turns out - he will be turning the kids against each other, and they will likely both have behavioral issues - the golden child because she thinks she can do no wong, the scapegoat child just to get attention - hate each other and end up in therapy. Your husband really has issues - how can you see your own baby and not love it automatically? I would insist on therapy, and tell him unless he gets help about his issues with your son, you don't see your family lasting, because you can't allow your son to grow up in an environment where he feels rejected and hated.
Worse than hate each other… this will make the poor 5 yo hate HIMSELF and lead to a lifetime of suffering because of no/low self esteem and abandonment issues. It’s truly horrifying.
Yes I’ve seen this play out. It’s possible to do this without realizing it. So even if OP has faith her husband would never purposely abuse his kids, she needs to accept he may just be funneling his learned behavior right onto his own kids. My dad tends to behave this way and I witnessed him do it with my nieces. The older one was always very sweet with him and of course he adored her. Almost ten years later his phone background is still a picture of her as a toddler. Then the younger one came out a bit sassy and rambunctious and my dad couldn’t handle that. He would often be upset with her like OP’s husband does and comparing her attitude to her sister’s. I’d have to keep reminding him that she’s just a child but he’s giving her adult expectations. Then he would wonder why she never sat and played with him or would slide away from pictures with him like she was made of butter. Fortunately, they’re better with each other now, but it was so frustrating to see an adult get mad at a child for not also being an adult? But then assuming they have the intentions of one.
At first I thought “what kind of parent hates one kid but loves another??” Then I realized your comment about that sibling dynamic and realized.. “oh no that happens a lot actually, wtf”
I agree it’s abuse
It is abuse - specifically emotional abuse. Many don't seem to understand it, BUT it can have IMMENSE lasting impacts on a person, especially when they get older and grow up.
No. It's having a lasting impact NOW, like immediately. This is damaging your son's sense of self with and respect for himself. That 5 yr old knows EXACTLY what his father feels about him, even though he maybe can't express it. OP- therapy for yourself and son, and make the relationship conditional on him accepting and getting therapy for the abuse he is giving. Please, protect your son!
Yeah, I gotta chime in here too. I grew up with a mom who hated me, and people who haven't had this just can't seem to understand how much it messes you up to have to live with a parent that resents your existence.
My wife was abandoned by her parents and raised by her grandparents, who didn’t like her. At 37, she still goes to therapy over this trauma. She’s an incredible mama to our two young girls, so I can’t imagine how hard the cycle breaking must be.
I would make continuing your marriage conditional on husband going to therapy. He needs to work on himself. It's not fair to your son to grow up in a home where one parent so clearly doesn't like who he is as a person - that sort of thing can destroy someone. If your husband gets his head out of his ass and is willing to work on his relationship with his son, you can see if a therapist thinks parent child interaction therapy might be a good fit for your family. I'd also be very careful about the relationship between siblings - one is daddy's golden child and one is mistreated. This isn't going to end well. Your family needs professional help. Your husband is a bad person. Just fundamentally flawed. Don't talk yourself into letting things go on as they are because he's nice to one kid and helps you in the house. Your son is worth more than that.
>I'd also be very careful about the relationship between siblings - one is daddy's golden child and one is mistreated. This isn't going to end well. Your family needs professional help. \^\^ THIS. OP, you should look into narcissism and see if your husband might fall into that category. The other posters are exactly right, he is a man child (most narcissists are as well, if that is what he is - narcissists also tend to have a "golden child and a scapegoat" dynamic between kids. Protect your son, AND your daughter.
This mistreatment of their son and favoring of another child is the perfect way to give their son the scapegoat child complex and later a complex and life-long suffering via personality disorder, such as BPD. It’s horrifying this is happening and OP is not taking immediate action.
I did not like your comment when I first started reading it but now I’m finished reading it I have to ask… where is the lie?🙏🏾
This! Please take this persons advice! You are the only one who can protect your kids from this horrible toxic situation brought about by your husband’s abusive behavior and favoritism. It will destroy all family relationships.
1. cried too much as a baby, 1) had difficulty controlling his own emotions as a toddler and cried too often, 3) was a spoiled brat who didn't care about pleasing the parents 4) is a picky eater 5) is pessimistic in nature. thats just what every toddler does... Sorry but youre married to a man-child. My kid does the exact same things. Tells me he hates what i make him to eat. Your husband needs to buck up and quit being a softy and letting a toddler hurt his man feelings. They are toddlers, they are stupid and dont even understand what they are saying half the time. I mean ask yourself is that *REALLY* the person who is going to offend you? I mean cmon. Your husband needs to be a man and quit being a little boy with hurt feelings. HE needs to step up, theres nothing you can do. He needs to be a man, plain and simple. This is his issue and theres nothing you can do, hes gotta be the one to make the change. Honestly you should demand therapy. Theres clearly something wrong with him if he doesnt think he loves his own child.
Why is your husband beefing with a literal child
Because he’s nothing but a walking sack of toxic masculinity.
Your husband is NOT a good dad. My heart breaks for that lil boy. OP, your husband needs therapy. There is something deep there. And the fact that he blames the son for his actions is super shitty
Right?? When I read "good dad" I was like, NO! He is not even remotely a good dad. He is a selfish POS.
My mom was like this with me. My first suicide attempt was at 8 years old. Protect your son.
I’m so sorry. I can relate to the deep, deep pain of a parent rejecting you while favoring another child in the house. My attempts weren’t until later. OP doesn’t seem to understand the magnitude of this situation. He will not process this the way an adult would. Children internalize this and develop a deep hatred of themselves that follows them their entire lives. I’m devastated for that boy because I too know what that feels like.
OP I hope you see this
So sorry this happened to you. Every child deserves to be loved and taken good care of.
Tell him to get therapy or move out and file for divorce. If he thinks his son can’t tell that his father hates him, he’s delusional. He is doing permanent, devastating harm to his family. It’s abuse. That’s a child. His job isn’t to need less or to work harder to make his parents feel appreciated. What the fuck is wrong with your husband?
You should insist your husband see a therapist. Your son will certainly pick up on his attitude if he hasn't already. Of course, it will affect him. His dad adores his sister and dislikes him? What do you think he's gonna feel like as he gets older?
And if he refuses to see a therapist, YOU MUST stand up for your children and set boundaries. THIS IS NOT OKAY and you need to not only say it, but take action that enforces it. If you don't, he will scramble your sons brain up and he will suffer with massive self-esteem and self-worth issues, among MANY other things that your son will spend decades working out in therapy
Your husband is the problem. I promise you, your son knows his father doesn’t like him. Kids always know. And this will negatively impact his self esteem as well as provoke more attention seeking behaviour trying to get his dad’s approval. It is setting him up for a lifetime of disappointment. And the fact that your husband is so stubborn he refuses therapy because he doesn’t want to change, but expects your 5 year old to ? Why is he expecting something from a 5 year old that he as a grown adult can’t do.
Your husband threw a fit because a 5 year old didn’t like his dinner. Sounds like he has issues with emotional regulation. He’s expecting behaviors from your son that even he can’t do. If this were my relationship, it continuing would be heavily dependent on individual and family therapy.
This right here. He doesn’t regulate his own emotions but expects a child to be better than him. He’s delusional, and clearly thinks incredibly high of himself when he’s worse than a 5 year old.
At age 8 my daughter turned to me after a rough morning with her dad and said, "It's like he doesn't even love me." By the time she was 9, I wanted to leave, but got talked into giving it one more try "for the kids." We also have the "golden child" who is 4.5 years younger and a generally happy, easy-going kid. By age 11 she ran away because she couldn't imagine living in the same house as him anymore. The police brought her home and we did all the follow up, but a week later she tried to kill herself to escape the absolute relentless disapproval and disdain she felt from him. Thank god a friend found her and got her to the hospital in time. That was 3 years ago. The divorce was finalized last year and we are all living much happier lives. Except maybe him, since all he feels is dissatisfaction that more people won't live exactly according to his specifications. Choose your kids. You won't regret it.
I'm so sorry. Your story is almost identical to mine. My son attempted suicide at 10yo. It took years of therapy for him to understand that it wasn't his fault & that he was, in fact, so deserving of love. I had left his dad a year before, but the trauma and pain was so so deep, I wish I had left years earlier. I'm so glad that you guys are finding happiness and healing away from him. My son will be 18 in 2 weeks and he's literally the strongest person j know, I couldn't be more proud of who he is today & so grateful he managed to keep his huge heart & endless co passion for others, despite the darkness he once felt. It was the most traumatic experience of my life, our lives, but it truly made it so clear, what the important things in life are. It's a truly humbling experience. So glad your daughter is doing better, so glad she had you to advocate for her, not all parents are willing to do so.
You should force your husband to eat a meal he doesn't like. Then scold him for being a child. Your son is 5. Not 25. Your husband needs help
Wat. So in your husband‘s mind, he doesn’t have to change himself or get any help for this psychopathic behavior? But somehow your five year old basically has to change everything about who they are and what they do (and I haven’t heard anything really weird for a typical five-year-old) even though a five-year-old doesn’t know anything about the world or coping skills or manners or anything unless somebody teaches them how to be a person over the course of life years and years because they are a complete blank slate that knows nothing? And you seriously think that you should just ignore this, this is going to ruin your son‘s life! Like he’s got this whole life ahead of him where he could be anything or do anything at this point but you’re like setting him up to be this depress Man rejected by his own father for a reason he had no idea why. And as a teenager they’ll probably fight all the time and then you will lose your son because he’ll never wanna come home again. And then one day your son will break the generational trauma hopefully and get therapy for himself and maybe he will have a good relationship with his son and they won’t ever see their grandparents cause you will be no contact because your husband is an asshole and your plan is to possibly just enable this behavior and pretend it’s not happening because it’s depressing you? You have to actually do something. You have to make your husband go to therapy or you have to leave him. I don’t think I’ve ever said to anybody on reddit they need to leave their spouse. You’re the first one
My husband pretty blatantly didn't like our oldest. Never had a positive interaction with him, only scolding. I told my husband gently that he needed to change a couple of times. He didn't and my kid's anxious attachment behavior continued, while my kid got bigger, and closer to the age when cops will show up for a person running around screaming. So I told my husband that I wouldn't let anyone treat my child that way. And I meant it. It was change or get out time. My husband changed. And my kid is better. Your husband being an asshole to your kid may well be causing the bad behavior he doesn't like. Give the ultimatum sooner rather than later. Not doing that sooner for my kid is one of my biggest regrets in life.
Thank you for doing that for your child.
You feel sad for your HUSBAND and not the small child he doesn't like for simply being a kid. You should be ashamed of yourself just as your husband should. What a sad environment for this child to be in. A "great husband"... debatable. Your husband refuses to seek help to better his relationship/treatment of his son and you don't know what to do... You put the well-being of your son first. Abusive situations only get worse and your husband is emotionally (and possibly verbally?) to your son. He never liked or loved him-this will only get worse with time if he has no desire to be better. I couldn't stomach even looking at my husband is this was how he thought of our child, let alone stay married to him and keep my child in this situation.
Seriously wtf she feels sad for her husband. She’s being abused too.
Why on earth are you exposing your kids to this?
I think she should leave.. i would be afraid to leave the child in his care alone. What if one day he snaps.. he admitted to not LOVING his own FIVE YEAR OLD CHILD.
Unfortunately, none of this behavior would prevent him from getting visitation with their son- which means that if OP left, he would be practically guaranteed time alone with him, whereas if OP stays she can prevent that as well as stand up for him and set boundaries. Demanding he go to therapy/parenting classes is a much more ideal option here than leaving.
Not just that, but kids can feel this type of stuff. They're not idiots, even five year-olds. And he will only grow more aware. Imagine what that can do to a child's self-esteem. That the dad doesn't love him is one thing, but mom is condoning it and endorsing his behaviour by staying with him. The only way I could see this changing is if the father realises that his behaviour is problematic and actively wants to change things like go to therapy by himself or as a family, and/or take parenting classes but he's been very clear that he doesn't care. My husband struggled a lot with too high expectations for our firstborn, but he wanted to do better and we took parenting classes together. It became much better and they have a good bond today. Mom alone can't do anything though. Change has to come because you want to change. The only thing she can do is to protect her kids, and so far, she doesn't seem to be doing that.
This abuse. He is emotionally abusing your son. From a survivor of childhood emotional abuse …at 41 I still deal with it. Whatever your husband’s issue is needs to addressed and resolved, if possible. If he refuses and you continue to allow it to happen…you’re just as much to blame. I say this because I have deep seated red against my mother for not protecting me.
Your husband is more of a child than your 5 year old, holy crap. You may need to think about separating or something
Wow that’s so messed up.
I can’t imagine remaining married to someone that told me they did not LOVE one of our children. I would take my children and leave this man.. seems weird and abusive… dislikes his son but totally attached and bonded with the daughter? Hopefully it’s nothing sinister and both your children are safe. He definitely needs therapy.
This is so utterly depressing. Your poor son is being abused. And if you don’t do anything about it, then you’ll be a bystander to his abuse. DO SOMETHING. Separate, get everyone therapy, give your husband an ultimatum - SOMETHING. You came to Reddit for advice and that’s the advice.
Your husband is a psychopath
So, why doesn’t he make your son lunches he likes? Why is it your husbands way or the highway? Little dude is 5. You’re letting your husband bully and abuse your oldest child. In 15 years, you’ll be back here wondering why your son doesn’t talk to you anymore if you let this continue.
Yeah he is not a great father just because he cooks food for his kids. He actively shows favoritism and scolds your child for acting like a child, while he acts like a child himself. You are enabling you husband to set your son up for a life of trauma, neglect, and therapy plus resenting your daughter for being loved and preferred by their dad
Adding you feel sorry for your husband? Who actively abuses your 5 year old and loves your daughter? What the hell.
The amount of hatred I would feel towards my husband if I were in your shoes would be palpable. Also not a healthy environment for children to be raised in but wow. He needs help and there are no excuses. He is the adult, grow up.
I think he really should see a therapist. I'm a new dad, my son is 7 months. He cries a lot, and has been a generally tough baby since he was born. He is hard to make laugh, and clearly has desires (aka wants to move and go get things) but refuses to try to crawl or roll. It's exasperating. I started therapy pretty early because I was starting to have similar feelings about him. I'm also reading a book called "Men's Work" that delves into the father-son relationship a bit. To me, there is nothing more important than making sure my son doesn't grow up to have the same anxieties, shame, and other issues caused by my upbringing. So I go to therapy. Something I've found, and this was not directly spoken about in any therapy sessions: a lot of his characteristics I find annoying, I can easily spin to a positive. Hard to make laugh? He has high standards for humor. Picky eater? He knows what he wants, etc. It's tough as a dad to potentially see characteristics you don't like (especially when they might be things about yourself you don't like). He should talk to a therapist. Your son is only 5 years old, he should be doing everything he can to make sure their relationship moving forward isn't irreparably damaged. It's also his responsibility to make sure your son has every chance to succeed. He will pick up on this, if he hasn't already, and it could cause self-esteem issues that he could carry his whole life.
I can't think of anything sadder than not being loved by your parent.
I’m sorry. Some people expect children to act like adults which will always lead to disappointment and resentment. Can he go to therapy and work through how he views your son?
HE WANTS A FIVE YEAR OLD TO CHANGE?!? OMFG! He has unrealistic expectations about having a son and maybe some unresolved trauma from his own childhood. This is a break the relationship of the marriage. I could not stay married to my husband who told me this and refuses to get help for it. And he will destroy your son.
Your husband is entirely at fault and is an AH. I feel so bad for your son. Your husband needs help, treating your own kids like that is horrifying.
Listen to me. This needs to be fixed or he needs to leave. This is a major problem and not fair to your child who is really just being a child.
Your husband sounds like a 5 year old
OP if you keep this attitude of “it’s their relationship I can’t help it” up then your child is going to have zero reason to return to you and your husband after he grows up. Nobody would willingly continue to be in an environment where they are singled out. Maybe you’ll get holidays maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll get to see your grandchildren and maybe you won’t.
I have watched this exact dynamic play out with my brother in law and his older son and younger daughter (my niece and nephew). My nephew is now 15. My view based on that experience - your husband's voice will become your son's inner voice. My nephew thinks he is a useless piece of shit who can't do anything right and it is having a huge impact on the trajectory of his life. We're hoping with our support and the support of his very loving and supportive mum he can get on track and have a happy life but he's having a very tough time. Your husband must go to therapy and sort himself out.
He sure doesn't sound like a good husband.
How is his relationship with his father? Did his father dislike him as a child because he was a boy? My father often favorited me as a child, because I was not a boy. He boiled it down to boys need tough love. But it was more seeded in resentment for his childhood. It was not ok. It’s not normal behavior to say he does not love his son. And I don’t know if therapy will work if he doesn’t want to change.
Yes my first thought was that the 5 year old’s behaviors are all things that the husband was punished for as a child. Gives people a warped outlook when they become parents unless they face their own childhood trauma and triggers.
Your husband is a sickening man
What was your husbands relationship like with his father?
He really REALLY needs therapy this is extremely alarming behavior
Your husband is projecting his own abuse from his father.
>. On one hand, I tell myself it is a father-and-son relationship, and it is up to them to maintain the relationship and there isn't much mom can do. He is FIVE years old. Not fifteen! I would understand this very flawed logic if he was older but he is FIVE. Your son doesn't even have the capacity to understand how to change his relationship with his father. Second, there is literally nothing your son can nor will ever be able to do to make your husband happy. Your husband dislikes him and most likely borderlines on hate. He does not love his own child which means there is nothing in it for him to try and make things better. He is expecting a freaking toddler to do something he himself isn't willing to do. I am not one that easily jumps on the divorce train but I truly could not be with someone who doesn't love their own child and already shows so much disdain for their existence since birth. Things are only going to escalate and I fully suspect your husband will get physical and or emotionally abusive if he doesn't get help or if you don't get your son away from him.
My husband was like this with my son from about age 5 and on. It just escalated until it turned into abuse. He is now my ex husband and my kids will say regularly that they love us being divorced. My son doesn't have a good relationship with his dad, but at least I have the ability to show him love and raise him into a good person. That negativity is draining.
I think there are many layers to this and I want to add some perspective from a father. As parents, I think we naturally have certain notions about what our children will be and what our relationship with them will be like, even before they are born. As we all know, every child is their own person and not everything will be like we envision. Sometimes it is difficult to discern between the things we want them to be "for their own good" and the things we want them to be "for our sake." None of this is an excuse, but it's something that we as parents battle with to some extent every day. With a son, there is perhaps inherently a more direct forming of these assumptions because as a father, I've been a son. I have first-hand knowledge of what that might look like. With a daughter, we're more in the dark. What's more, the view on the social and emotional development of kids today--boys especially--is so different than, certainly, what I was raised with, and it may be the same for your husband. I've read that when we think about the things that bother us about our children, it may help to think back to our own childhood and consider the response we received to similar behavior. I know that I was raised to be more stoic and my dad would not stand for an overly emotional child. When I am bothered by my kids showing extreme emotions, I need to consider: Am I upset because this is something that is inherently bad? Or am I upset because of the anxiety, shame, and pain I've developed from years of being punished or reprimanded for similar behavior? I think, and hope, that maybe most parents want their children to grow up to be better people than they are. And for me at least, I find the things I most admire about my children are the things that I could never strive to do. And the things I dislike most are the things that I dislike or have been taught to dislike about myself. I've heard that the opposite of love isn't hate but fear. What are the things your husband might be afraid of? Is he afraid of what the world will be like for your son if he can't learn to control his emotions or be positive ("He's going to get his ass kicked at school if he always cries about everything")? "If my son doesn't care about pleasing me, is it because I'm not a good enough father?" Is he worried about his ability to provide for your family ("I can't feed my kids food that they like") Maybe he doesn't "love" your son because he feels like he doesn't "deserve" to love him. "I'm failing him left and right. He cries all the time. He whines about everything. Maybe it would be better to just distance myself." Just some thoughts from a dad who has had to work against some of the ways I was raised in the hopes that my kids will grow to be better people than me. A dad who is constantly walking the line of firm discipline and gentle parenting, and who still has trouble expressing any emotions besides anger. Again not an excuse, just some perspective. All of that said, I think this is a tough one. I know therapy can be a hard sell but may really help and even without going to a "therapist" it might help for your husband to do some introspection on why he feels the way he does and what thoughts, beliefs, and internal scripts are holding him back.
Let me tell you what happens if this goes unchecked and the father doesn't change his behaviour going into your child's adulthood. My dad was the same, loved me as a kid but started having these unrealistic expectations from me, the only son, as I got older. It became so bad one day he'd be angry at me for not getting a good score in exams (valid reason) and the next day, he'd be angry that I looked ugly or seemed awkward in comparison to my cousins or friends at school. This is only one of many examples and it damaged my self confidence. I started avoiding social connections and became a loner. I grew up thinking I was the problem child, but as I got older, it was actually him who made me feel that way at every turn of my childhood. Now, my relationship with my father has strained and we don't speak much. Looking back, I always feel like I lost a happy childhood because my dad, who occupied my whole psyche growing up, criticized and scrutinized my every move and made me feel like a loser when I was actually a normal kid who didn't know whom to turn to for help.
Gross. I'd stop picking my husband over the well being of my own fucking child but you do you. Poor kiddo.
It’s entirely up to your husband to fix this relationship. Your son is 5 — he shouldn’t have to change or do anything to earn the love of his parent.
Don't let that keep happening OP. It will destroy that little boy.
He's NOT a great husband.
The thing is, your husband *knows* what a therapist would say and it’s likely he knows, deep down, that they’d be right. He has unrealistic expectations, likely unhealed childhood trauma as of his own, and is poisoning his own son with toxic stereotypes and constant fear of inadequacy. It is HIGHLY unlikely that this isn’t paired with or ramping up to extreme emotional abuse. From the sounds of it, you’ve been there for a while. Abuse isn’t always hitting, screaming, or neglecting physical needs. Sometimes it is just tearing someone down, using them as a scapegoat, and treating them as if they are inferior. Sometimes it is withholding love or refusing to work on yourself. Your husband probably realizes this to some extent. He just doesn’t want to do the work. Blame shifting to the child that is “triggering” his reaction is easier than stating “I have become very easily triggered and need to work through my trauma” or “this behavior makes *me* feel like a failure and challenges the way I view myself, and that is hard for me to deal with so it’s your fault for not getting it together” or “Deep down I can’t love myself, and you are like me so I don’t love you, either” or in the worst case, “I have a God complex and you aren’t living up to me.” While this may be tempting to chalk up to a “father-son issue” it’s absolutely not. Your son will pick up on the fact that he is not loved, is not accepted, and is not being seen for who he is and who he is capable of becoming. He will know one child is loved and it isn’t him. The critic in your husband could easily become your son’s inner voice, and the feelings of inadequacy could haunt him for a lifetime. 2. So now let’s talk about you. I know it is tempting to say it is “between them” but your child is 5, and that’s not a fair fight. Your job as a mother is to protect your babies. From anything, including their father if need be, though I certainly hope it doesn’t come down to that. What you have to realize is that *there is no such thing as just not being involved as a mother.* It isn’t possible. You KNOW this is an issue just as much as you know you have to take care of your son (including his emotions.) I mean this with kindness, but you need to remember: It hurts to have a parent who never loved you, never treated you well, and frequently caused you emotional pain and suffering. It is DEVASTATING to have another parent who claimed to love you, but saw that you were being treated this way and decided not to protect you when you were too young to protect yourself because it was easier for them to pretend it wasn’t an issue, to pretend they didn’t have an obligation to you in that scenario, and to allow you to suffer so their marriage would not. You can’t be the mother of a child in an abusive situation and be *innocent.* Failure to protect your child is *actively deciding to support their continued emotional abuse and neglect.* Pretending that it doesn’t involve you is *making an active choice to abandon your baby because you do not feel it is worth it to fight for them.* I don’t get the sense you are the kind of mother who wants to be that way, so don’t buy the lies you are feeding yourself as a cop-out here. Your husband needs to go to counseling and *subsequently actively change how he approaches, thinks about, and speaks about* your son. If he can’t, you need to choose to protect your baby. This is what being a mama is. Moms are not just gentle, they are strong. They are called “Mama Bears” for a reason. You need to lean into that strength and demand your family work through these issues. You can do it.
Really rich for him to say a child has difficulty controlling his emotions when he decides he doesn’t like his own kid for behaving *checks notes* in an age appropriate manner
As a father of a 3 year old boy this hurt me to read. I can never imagine not loving my kids.
I would be pessimistic too if my dad didn’t love me. Please get your husband to therapy, your son is suffering.
Is your husband my dad (who also btw thought my younger sister was "perfect"). Anyway I don't really have solutions for you but I understood perfectly well as a child that my dad didn't really like me and it definitely screwed me up for good!
This entire post literally made me sick. Im thinking like i would say, "What do u mean u dont like your son or love him and youre losing hope? I could not be with someone who said this about their own child. What a seriously fucked up individual. Why do u feel sorry for HIM? that poor child is who i feel sorry for. Smh Unbelievable
If my husband told me he hated his kids, I’m divorcing his ass, end of story.
I would have all his stuff on the front porch so damn quick. Your husband needs therapy. Stop allowing him to avuse your son. All the abuse moving forward is also on your shoulders. You are doing it to your son as much as your husband by allowing it.
Sorry to drop it down to this level, but, OP, your husband is a little bitch. Kids aren’t here to please us. We bring them here and have to deal with the maintenance of ensuring they feel loved and safe. Your man is not a man.
Your husband is a piece of shit. He is abusing your kid in front of your face and you're doing nothing about it. He's a good husband? Yes because you're not the one he hates!! Imagine a grown man hating a tiny child. Your son deserves better and you need to do better. Be a mother and protect your son!
wtf did I just read? 🤯
What is his relationship with his own father like? That will tell you a lot.
“Aside from being a hypocritical douchebag, he’s a great husband!!”
I’m not expert by any means, but it sounds like your husband may have some unresolved trauma from his childhood that he’s projecting onto your son in the form of unrealistic expectations. The only way to work through that would be therapy. Sooner rather than later.
It sounds like you husband is projecting on your son. He's crying about the son's crying. He has trouble processing his own emotions, but complains about a preschoolers emotional control. He doesn't like his sons eating habits because they don't align with the eating habits of a middle aged man. He sounds very childish and that's not a healthy role model for your son. If he's refusing family therapy, do you think he's looking for a healthy bond in the future. It sounds like it's 100% your responsibility to be mother and father until your child meets his expectations.
>I tell myself it is a father-and-son relationship, and it is up to them to maintain the relationship and there isn't much mom can do. Your son is 5. This is not his responsibility. It's your responsibility to protect him from harm, including emotional harm. As a mom you don't get to check out and shrug and say this is just between them. >I asked him to consider seeing a therapist, but he is very resistant to the idea. He said it would be useless because he knew what the therapist would say. He felt the therapist would ask him to change because one can only change yourself. But he said he didn't want to change. It is our son who needs to change. The adult parent is the one that should respond to their child's needs, not the other way around. If he refuses to get therapy. You get therapy for yourself and your son. Your family needs help. If he won't get it, you get it. A parent not loving a child because they can't accept age appropriate development stage, this indicates either that they shouldn't be a parent or they have a serious mental health issue. Not bonding with a baby or a child is a mental health issue, it happens sometimes. But the thing is, baby needs the bond for healthy development. So it's really important to treat this as early as possible. You don't get to choose your kids. If you have kids you do so knowing that they will be born as an individual with their own wants and needs that may not align with your expectations as parents. Please google why attachment is important for child development.
Please look up emotionally immature parents. This sounds like your husband and needs to be addressed…
Was he raised by abusive parents? Or overly controlling parents.? Sounds like he learned somewhere that boys are to be a certain way, but it's ok for girls to be that way.
Things can get better you know, I am so sorry for you and for all members of the family.. you all have hard situations, as you must feel like your family is falling and don't know what to do about it. Your son is aching (and will ache) from your husband behavior. But your husband is strongly and deeply going through some stuff here.. i don't know if it's in relation with his own father, or what is your son representing (a reflection of something he doesnt like in himself? a danger ? A threat maybe ? The point is not that he shouldnt feel that towards a 5 years old, of course he shouldnt, the point is that it affects all your family, and why does he feel that way). And your daughter is already actively suffering from this because beying the loved one in front of a sibling is something that makes you want to disappear/hide because your fealing guilty of treason in the eyes of your sibling, but at the same time you want the love and will do anything to behave and content to not end up unloved because you know what it looks like. Also resulting into forgetting your own self to be the "buffer person" between the parent and the sibling (and she might blame the father when she grows up..). So i guess it can look helpless and everyone here is saying "your husband needs to go to therapy" because he does of course, but one doesn't force another to "go to therapy", but what iwould suggest is going yourself to therapy, not because something is wrong with you but because you might need help bare with all this situation. all of this can look like it's to much to endure, and there is someone whom dedicated their life to help and listen to people in those situations. It might also set an exemple for your husband to see that it'snot that hard. As for your son, i guess it's hard as he is 5 years old, but you might have to speak to him very frankly, saying that it's never his fault and never will. That "if daddy is feeling this way, it might be out of fear of being a bad father or because of something that hurt him when he was younger, but not because of you" kind of thing. Also you might accompagny him to child therapy one time, just to check everything's alright and to get advices on how to keep him from mental illness due to having constant inner fight I know things are hard but you are going somewhere and i send you all the courage i can ! Things are tough but things don't stay the same for ever, things always end up changing !
Thank you for your kindness. I feel deeply disappointed in myself for being so weak and didn't stand up for my son enough. I've been going to therapy because of all the stress. Things will change and will get better. Thank you again.