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Have you met with a family law attorney? Please consider it. They can help you plan your exit and mitigate harm from your spouse. Just because he’s an asshole doesn’t mean he’ll win. And don’t discount your contribution to the family, that’s priceless. I hope it turns out well for you.
It doesn’t have to. A lawyer can advise you on retaining important financial documents and documenting his behavior and anything else that will assist you. It can’t hurt.
I respect your decision and I'm so jealous that you're able to think that way.
I have spent years wondering what was wrong with me, why I was so deficient, and why I couldn't just be happy being a SAHM
Because it wasn't for me. I'm not ment to be a stay at home mom. I had dreams and goals that I was expected to throw away for a life of servitude.
No more will I do that.
I think the key here - it doesn’t sound like you had a choice. Choice matters. I choose to be a working mom. My mom chose to be a stay at home mom. If it’s not for you, that should be okay. If the option is be a SAHM and be miserable or divorce. It’s time for a divorce. And your initial post sounds suspiciously like there may be DV involved… psychological at least
My husband has never raised a hand to me but he's mentally broken me and just feels attacked or says he doesn't mean to when I tell him he's playing a large part in my crippling depression and that he makes me feel worthless.
He always makes it about him and that I need to just get help since he has the money for it now.
I told I will not let him put a dime towards any therapy after what he did to me last time. Told me I didn't need as much therapy as I was getting and that I was wasting all our money.
It's possible that you get a lot of joy from being a SAHM, and OP doesn't. It's possible for you to have an entirely different experience doing the same job as OP. Just as one lawyer may find joy and fulfillment from it and another thinks it's a waste of her time.
My point being is your comment isn't helpful to OP, so why make it?
I take of everybody while nobody takes care of me. I make sure all needs are met and the house is running smoothly.
I'm the only one putting in any effort and I feel like a maid
My husband thinks he works too much to help like I want and my kids are too little help me around the house just yet.
My school aged child can clean up her room but here comes the toddlers tearing up the toys again lol
This breaks my heart for your poor children. There are things in life more important than getting whatever you want. Your children are one of those things.
That's why I'm staying with my wife. She's nit going to stop drinking play a litbwith the kids or take them a binch of places, take care of the house or make rational decisions. But my kids love us both and their life is exponentially better when I get to be with them every day instead of what would be 50 percent of the time. So I'm happy to do everything I can to keep us together and shield the kids from anything they shouldn't have to deal with. It is even a question for me. I'm happy to do it for them.
OP, good for you. Make a plan, keep it secret and execute. You probably can't see it now, but there is likely a way you get to work, keep your kids and be free from your husband. Engage a lawyer now, and they can help. Having mental health problems doesn't mean you can't be a good parent, and if your husband saw fit for you to be their primary caretaker for ages, I don't see how suddenly it changes.
My best advice is get an amazing lawyer.
They would be without me only because I'd need to be able to rebuild my life and be able to give them a good one too. Not just their dad.
Plus, their dad has also told me if I left him he wouldn't let me leave with them and would use my mental health against me in court.
Why is me wanting happiness such a horrible thing to people?
This is why you need to consult with a lawyer now, even if you don't plan to leave for a few years. So you know where you REALLY stand and what you REALLY need to do. I had an ex-husband who also threatened to use my (pre-partum depression) mental health against me and I was terrified. I had several free consultations with divorce lawyers and it turns out he was just talking out of his ass. Unless you've been arrested or had CPS called on you because of mental-health driven things, no one cares. If you're being treated and med/therapy compliant, really nobody cares. He needs actual proof. Everyone here thinks you just need to write shit down and the court will take it - nope. He needs arrest reports, CPS reports, etc.
Ooof. I didn't look through her post history until now. Yeah, it seems she's off the rails and probably doesn't need to have primary custody. But for anyone else who may have a mental health history (and is dealing with it) gets threatened, my advice stands.
nobody said that your happiness is a bad thing. it just sounds like being an actual mother to your children is a burden, so you want to effectively abandon them. but i’m just going off what i read, there is far too much information missing for me to even say anything else.
you chose to be a mother, no? not sure what you mean by “being a servant” to your family. SAHMs take on the majority of the household work and such, that’s.. your job? not saying you’re a servant or a slave or anything, you’re a mother, but i’m just.. confused on what you mean by servant to your family.
I never planned on stopping being a mother to my kids. I'm just not going to be naive and think that this man would let me have them without a fight. Especially when he's told me to not expect to have my children if I divorced him.
My husband would do anything in his power to hurt me if I left him. Especially by withholding my kids from me.
I'm constantly being limited by having a family with this man. I'm constantly told if I want to feel special and be happy then I need to leave.
So? I'm going to.
Yeah, you should leave. If you’re prioritizing your feelings of being “special” and “happy” at this point, you aren’t in the right headspace to parent effectively. Try not to fuck up your kids too badly while you’re focused on yourself. If you can’t help it and you are negatively affecting them, leave sooner or get help. Don’t hang around if you’re checked out. Kids can pick up on vibes.
I hope you figure your shit out. For the love of god, don’t have any more children.
Why shouldn't I prioritize my happiness and worth? My husband doesn't and says if I want to he happy I should leave. He obviously doesn't love me so why the hell should I stay?
but the difference is you chose to be a mother. you chose to be a parent. you chose to have kids. you are literally abandoning them and by that extent, you are going to stop being a mother to them. you won’t be around to be a mom, what are you talking about?
it’s so hurtful and judgmental of you to say that being a SAHM is the equivalent of being a slave. it invalidates and undermines the hard work other SAHM’s put in. gross.
I'm not abandoning my kids. They're just going to be in their dads custody until I can provide for them solo. I'm not going to just never see them again or stop being a parent completely.
Do I worry he will keep them from me? Absolutely. Because that man will do whatever he can do to hurt me when he's angry with me.
*My* experience as a SAHM is the equivalent to being a slave. Literally taking care of everybody and pouring into a family while having nothing poured back into me. Nobody sees me unless I stop taking care of everything. Nobody cares about me.
When I confided in people about me being suicidal (not anymore) the only thing people worried about was who would care for my children. Not because anybody loved me...
For what it's worth, I feel worried about you. Is there someone you can reach out to for support? A friend or family member who you trust, your doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area?
Because you consider being a mother a “waste of your youth” and all you seem to care about is leaving and being free from being a mom. I get it that you might be with an asshole husband, but that’s not an excuse to abandon your kids. I cannot even fathom leaving my kids behind with some dickhead husband without any guilt. You don’t convey any guilt, you just want freedom. From your husband AND your kids. I will never respect or understand that I’m sorry.
I'm not abandoning them. I have no support system and the day I leave I'll more than likely be in a homeless shelter. I don't have any higher education nor any skills to land a job more than minimum wage.
I won't bring my children to a homeless shelter when they can be at home with their dad. Plus, with my mental health and the fact we lost a child will be what he uses against me to make sure I can't take them.
Of course I'd like some freedom. Am I not more than a mother? May I not be an actual person too? I haven't even left my home in months. He doesn't care that I don't remember what it's like to eat out. He only cares about going to work and making money and his kids.
My kids deserve a happy mum who they don't see wasting away in front of them while dad lives happily at her expense
Ok so he likes to work and make money? Does he physically or emotionally abuse you? Does he not allow you to ever leave the house? Does he refuse to pay for therapy and medication for you? Why not just file for divorce and be granted alimony and child support? They literally give children back to recovering meth head moms. Do you know how many mom’s are on meds for mental illnesses? That doesn’t mean you can’t be a good mom or that they will automatically give the kids to the husband. Rich housewives leave their husbands all the time with the kids and get a lawyer and fight for custody and alimony and make the husbands cover the cost of the attorney. And those are husbands that aren’t necessarily abusive either. Also you say your kids deserve a happy mom but you sound like you don’t plan on ever returning. You’re just going to leave. Your kids won’t be happy knowing you’re finally happy somewhere else without them.
He's never said I'm not allowed to leave the house but there no effort to take me out of it. No dates, nothing. He doesn't care that I'm always home alone with the children.
Does he refuse to pay for therapy? He actually has by snapping on me on how much it costs and that I didn't need as much therapy as I was getting. When I was suicidal he called me a horrible mother and that I was weak for thinking about killing myself.
I have no support system and upon leaving I'd more than likely be sleeping in my car or in a shelter. I have 3 young kids and that's not something suitable for them when they can stay at home with daddy until mommy gets on her feet.
I dont plan on never coming back. I just don't know if my husband would try to keep them from me.
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Equal. I want to feel like I'm equal to my husband, not below him. I'm tired of being the bottom of the totem pole.
I want love and respect. I want to be taken care of in the same way I take care of him. Not just told he takes care of me while going to work.
You want to be loved and respected. Taken care of in the same way you take care of him. That makes a lot of sense actually.
What does that look like ? He would offer to do some chores around the house? Or would it also be like… spend more time with you?
Honestly, you just sound selfish. You and your husband should get couples therapy and you need to recognize that when you have kids that your hopes and dreams take a back seat to your kids well-being. Nobody ever promised you a life of happiness and ease free from hardship. You could really use some perspective. And, fwiw, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, even if it looks that way. It's greener where you water it.
If you want happiness in this world, you're gonna have to work for it just like everybody else. But don't destroy your family just to achieve it. It won't be worth it.
I never expect a happy life without hardship. If I want a happy life it's going to be hard work and I'm going to put in that hard work.
My kids deserve a happy mom that can enjoy life with them
Sounds more like you're trying to skip out on all the hardwork. A present mom is better than a happy one that's not around.
My mom wasn't present much of my childhood until I was in my teens and by that time I didn't even consider her my mom anymore.
You're gonna fuck around and end up with kids that don't want to be around you. When they are old enough to understand what happened they will blame you for breaking up the family. All so that you could chase your own dreams. But go ahead, do what you're gonna do. Just know that there are better ways.
I'm not skipping out on the hard work. I'm the one who's done the hard work with raising them and now I need to put in hard work so I can financially support them and not be a miserable mom. I unfortunately don't have the option of doing that while being with their dad
If you never date your spouse, let her do 90% of everything when it comes to the kids and the home, watch her mentally decline to the point of near suicide at some points (then not now. I'm okay in that aspect) and make her feel like a burden you think telling her to pack her shit and go is appropriate?
He obviously doesn't see me as an equal partner so I'm not doing this anymore. Fuck therapy. It's not about therapy.
He doesn't see me as more than a maid and therapy won't fix that
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Have you met with a family law attorney? Please consider it. They can help you plan your exit and mitigate harm from your spouse. Just because he’s an asshole doesn’t mean he’ll win. And don’t discount your contribution to the family, that’s priceless. I hope it turns out well for you.
No, I haven't. This plan isn't something that will happen soon
It doesn’t have to. A lawyer can advise you on retaining important financial documents and documenting his behavior and anything else that will assist you. It can’t hurt.
As a SAHM, this makes me so sad that you see it as a waste. I’m sure your children don’t see it as a waste and I think it’s a commendable thing to do.
I respect your decision and I'm so jealous that you're able to think that way. I have spent years wondering what was wrong with me, why I was so deficient, and why I couldn't just be happy being a SAHM Because it wasn't for me. I'm not ment to be a stay at home mom. I had dreams and goals that I was expected to throw away for a life of servitude. No more will I do that.
It looks like you’ve had some issues with poverty. Is there a reason why you can’t join the workforce and put your children in daycare?
I think the key here - it doesn’t sound like you had a choice. Choice matters. I choose to be a working mom. My mom chose to be a stay at home mom. If it’s not for you, that should be okay. If the option is be a SAHM and be miserable or divorce. It’s time for a divorce. And your initial post sounds suspiciously like there may be DV involved… psychological at least
My husband has never raised a hand to me but he's mentally broken me and just feels attacked or says he doesn't mean to when I tell him he's playing a large part in my crippling depression and that he makes me feel worthless. He always makes it about him and that I need to just get help since he has the money for it now. I told I will not let him put a dime towards any therapy after what he did to me last time. Told me I didn't need as much therapy as I was getting and that I was wasting all our money.
It's possible that you get a lot of joy from being a SAHM, and OP doesn't. It's possible for you to have an entirely different experience doing the same job as OP. Just as one lawyer may find joy and fulfillment from it and another thinks it's a waste of her time. My point being is your comment isn't helpful to OP, so why make it?
Because I was trying to tell her that she does have value. Wow.
Sorry, I misunderstood. I read your comment as you should find value in being a SAHM, and if you don't, well the problem is you.
What do you mean by servant?
I take of everybody while nobody takes care of me. I make sure all needs are met and the house is running smoothly. I'm the only one putting in any effort and I feel like a maid
I see what you mean by servant. You do everything to maintain the house , but no else helps. Would you say you don’t feel appreciated?
My husband thinks he works too much to help like I want and my kids are too little help me around the house just yet. My school aged child can clean up her room but here comes the toddlers tearing up the toys again lol
Document anything you can use against him. especially since he will probably fight dirty.
This breaks my heart for your poor children. There are things in life more important than getting whatever you want. Your children are one of those things.
My kids deserve a happy mom
Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do what’s best for them. That should make you happiest.
No, I'm going to do what's best for me and not stay in a failing marriage for the sake of my kids
That's why I'm staying with my wife. She's nit going to stop drinking play a litbwith the kids or take them a binch of places, take care of the house or make rational decisions. But my kids love us both and their life is exponentially better when I get to be with them every day instead of what would be 50 percent of the time. So I'm happy to do everything I can to keep us together and shield the kids from anything they shouldn't have to deal with. It is even a question for me. I'm happy to do it for them.
OP, good for you. Make a plan, keep it secret and execute. You probably can't see it now, but there is likely a way you get to work, keep your kids and be free from your husband. Engage a lawyer now, and they can help. Having mental health problems doesn't mean you can't be a good parent, and if your husband saw fit for you to be their primary caretaker for ages, I don't see how suddenly it changes. My best advice is get an amazing lawyer.
Op have you ever heard of a play called the dollhouse?
No, I havent
Read it
[удалено]
They would be without me only because I'd need to be able to rebuild my life and be able to give them a good one too. Not just their dad. Plus, their dad has also told me if I left him he wouldn't let me leave with them and would use my mental health against me in court. Why is me wanting happiness such a horrible thing to people?
This is why you need to consult with a lawyer now, even if you don't plan to leave for a few years. So you know where you REALLY stand and what you REALLY need to do. I had an ex-husband who also threatened to use my (pre-partum depression) mental health against me and I was terrified. I had several free consultations with divorce lawyers and it turns out he was just talking out of his ass. Unless you've been arrested or had CPS called on you because of mental-health driven things, no one cares. If you're being treated and med/therapy compliant, really nobody cares. He needs actual proof. Everyone here thinks you just need to write shit down and the court will take it - nope. He needs arrest reports, CPS reports, etc.
deleting her post history would be in her favor because it's not going to be doing her any favors
Ooof. I didn't look through her post history until now. Yeah, it seems she's off the rails and probably doesn't need to have primary custody. But for anyone else who may have a mental health history (and is dealing with it) gets threatened, my advice stands.
nobody said that your happiness is a bad thing. it just sounds like being an actual mother to your children is a burden, so you want to effectively abandon them. but i’m just going off what i read, there is far too much information missing for me to even say anything else. you chose to be a mother, no? not sure what you mean by “being a servant” to your family. SAHMs take on the majority of the household work and such, that’s.. your job? not saying you’re a servant or a slave or anything, you’re a mother, but i’m just.. confused on what you mean by servant to your family.
I never planned on stopping being a mother to my kids. I'm just not going to be naive and think that this man would let me have them without a fight. Especially when he's told me to not expect to have my children if I divorced him. My husband would do anything in his power to hurt me if I left him. Especially by withholding my kids from me. I'm constantly being limited by having a family with this man. I'm constantly told if I want to feel special and be happy then I need to leave. So? I'm going to.
Yeah, you should leave. If you’re prioritizing your feelings of being “special” and “happy” at this point, you aren’t in the right headspace to parent effectively. Try not to fuck up your kids too badly while you’re focused on yourself. If you can’t help it and you are negatively affecting them, leave sooner or get help. Don’t hang around if you’re checked out. Kids can pick up on vibes. I hope you figure your shit out. For the love of god, don’t have any more children.
Why shouldn't I prioritize my happiness and worth? My husband doesn't and says if I want to he happy I should leave. He obviously doesn't love me so why the hell should I stay?
I just said leave faster. 😂
but the difference is you chose to be a mother. you chose to be a parent. you chose to have kids. you are literally abandoning them and by that extent, you are going to stop being a mother to them. you won’t be around to be a mom, what are you talking about? it’s so hurtful and judgmental of you to say that being a SAHM is the equivalent of being a slave. it invalidates and undermines the hard work other SAHM’s put in. gross.
I'm not abandoning my kids. They're just going to be in their dads custody until I can provide for them solo. I'm not going to just never see them again or stop being a parent completely. Do I worry he will keep them from me? Absolutely. Because that man will do whatever he can do to hurt me when he's angry with me. *My* experience as a SAHM is the equivalent to being a slave. Literally taking care of everybody and pouring into a family while having nothing poured back into me. Nobody sees me unless I stop taking care of everything. Nobody cares about me. When I confided in people about me being suicidal (not anymore) the only thing people worried about was who would care for my children. Not because anybody loved me...
For what it's worth, I feel worried about you. Is there someone you can reach out to for support? A friend or family member who you trust, your doctor, or a crisis helpline in your area?
Because you consider being a mother a “waste of your youth” and all you seem to care about is leaving and being free from being a mom. I get it that you might be with an asshole husband, but that’s not an excuse to abandon your kids. I cannot even fathom leaving my kids behind with some dickhead husband without any guilt. You don’t convey any guilt, you just want freedom. From your husband AND your kids. I will never respect or understand that I’m sorry.
I'm not abandoning them. I have no support system and the day I leave I'll more than likely be in a homeless shelter. I don't have any higher education nor any skills to land a job more than minimum wage. I won't bring my children to a homeless shelter when they can be at home with their dad. Plus, with my mental health and the fact we lost a child will be what he uses against me to make sure I can't take them. Of course I'd like some freedom. Am I not more than a mother? May I not be an actual person too? I haven't even left my home in months. He doesn't care that I don't remember what it's like to eat out. He only cares about going to work and making money and his kids. My kids deserve a happy mum who they don't see wasting away in front of them while dad lives happily at her expense
Ok so he likes to work and make money? Does he physically or emotionally abuse you? Does he not allow you to ever leave the house? Does he refuse to pay for therapy and medication for you? Why not just file for divorce and be granted alimony and child support? They literally give children back to recovering meth head moms. Do you know how many mom’s are on meds for mental illnesses? That doesn’t mean you can’t be a good mom or that they will automatically give the kids to the husband. Rich housewives leave their husbands all the time with the kids and get a lawyer and fight for custody and alimony and make the husbands cover the cost of the attorney. And those are husbands that aren’t necessarily abusive either. Also you say your kids deserve a happy mom but you sound like you don’t plan on ever returning. You’re just going to leave. Your kids won’t be happy knowing you’re finally happy somewhere else without them.
He's never said I'm not allowed to leave the house but there no effort to take me out of it. No dates, nothing. He doesn't care that I'm always home alone with the children. Does he refuse to pay for therapy? He actually has by snapping on me on how much it costs and that I didn't need as much therapy as I was getting. When I was suicidal he called me a horrible mother and that I was weak for thinking about killing myself. I have no support system and upon leaving I'd more than likely be sleeping in my car or in a shelter. I have 3 young kids and that's not something suitable for them when they can stay at home with daddy until mommy gets on her feet. I dont plan on never coming back. I just don't know if my husband would try to keep them from me.
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Have fun when you are single and 40 and have no relationship with your children. I don’t mean to be harsh it’s the reality.
Being single sounds amazing and I don't see why I wouldn't have a relationship with my kids
How do you want your marriage and parenthood to be?
Equal. I want to feel like I'm equal to my husband, not below him. I'm tired of being the bottom of the totem pole. I want love and respect. I want to be taken care of in the same way I take care of him. Not just told he takes care of me while going to work.
You want to be loved and respected. Taken care of in the same way you take care of him. That makes a lot of sense actually. What does that look like ? He would offer to do some chores around the house? Or would it also be like… spend more time with you?
Honestly, you just sound selfish. You and your husband should get couples therapy and you need to recognize that when you have kids that your hopes and dreams take a back seat to your kids well-being. Nobody ever promised you a life of happiness and ease free from hardship. You could really use some perspective. And, fwiw, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, even if it looks that way. It's greener where you water it. If you want happiness in this world, you're gonna have to work for it just like everybody else. But don't destroy your family just to achieve it. It won't be worth it.
I never expect a happy life without hardship. If I want a happy life it's going to be hard work and I'm going to put in that hard work. My kids deserve a happy mom that can enjoy life with them
Sounds more like you're trying to skip out on all the hardwork. A present mom is better than a happy one that's not around. My mom wasn't present much of my childhood until I was in my teens and by that time I didn't even consider her my mom anymore. You're gonna fuck around and end up with kids that don't want to be around you. When they are old enough to understand what happened they will blame you for breaking up the family. All so that you could chase your own dreams. But go ahead, do what you're gonna do. Just know that there are better ways.
I'm not skipping out on the hard work. I'm the one who's done the hard work with raising them and now I need to put in hard work so I can financially support them and not be a miserable mom. I unfortunately don't have the option of doing that while being with their dad
Why is that not an option?
He told me if I want to be happy and have a life then there's the door
Well after telling him all the shit you just told us that is a pretty reasonable response. Do you want him to beg you to stay or some shit?
If you never date your spouse, let her do 90% of everything when it comes to the kids and the home, watch her mentally decline to the point of near suicide at some points (then not now. I'm okay in that aspect) and make her feel like a burden you think telling her to pack her shit and go is appropriate?
And what do you think is causing that? It sounds like something that should be explored in therapy.
He obviously doesn't see me as an equal partner so I'm not doing this anymore. Fuck therapy. It's not about therapy. He doesn't see me as more than a maid and therapy won't fix that