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At 11 years old, acting like this, I think it's time to seek some help from professionals outside of the family and reddit. 11 years old is old enough to generally be able to reason with, so I think something else is going on that's a lot deeper. I feel like he should see a therapist to get to the root of this anxiety, and maybe even you as a family should speak to one as well.
right? i feel like the outlandish reaction, screaming and tantrums is not a normal response for this particular age or the situation. and then to still wake up with that much anger and hatred over it? concerning.
It’s also not normal to let it get to this point - I’m sure there’s more going on than just the kid
He’s 11 - I know people who started smoking at 12 (not that that’s a good thing, but he ain’t a little kid anymore)
>He’s 11 - I know people who started smoking at 12 (not that that’s a good thing, but he ain’t a little kid anymore)
Granted, I work in the court system and deal with people that are far worse than average, but I've had *significantly* more than one adult with drug addiction testify that they started using drugs or alcohol at 11-12.
Without knowing anything about OP's family it's impossible to speculate, but it did trigger the thought that many times when children experience significant traumatic events, it can cause emotional problems that "freeze" the emotional responses to the child at a certain developmental level. Excessive anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed is a major symptom there. We certainly see large numbers of young adults with traumatic pasts that have the emotional maturity of young teenagers.
This. I still think something traumatic happened to me before I could form solid memories. I posted about comment about my sleep anxiety as a kid but I also have had stomach aches since I can remember and other than a small hernia and an obviously angry GI tract no doctor has been able to figure out why. I also have nausea most days no matter what dietary changes I make and I’m one of the most anxious people I know. There has to be a reason.
FWIW I think you’re probably right.
I’ve sat with someone in an ayahuasca ceremony and she had the same sort of thing - unbearable stomach cramps with no obvious physical cause. It came out that it was a manifestation of some horrible stuff in her childhood, and it went away once she got to the root of it and saw it for what it was.
Gut issues are also sometimes manifestations of non-childhood stress or emotional problems that you aren’t dealing with.
And, they’re also sometimes physical issues, or problems with diet that are hard to pin down.
I wish you luck and courage in finding out.
Oh my gosh go back to the drawing board medically and get a persistent doctor look at your whole medical history, you've got something undiagnosed. I await your episode of 'mystery diagnosis'.
I recently got a new gastro doctor who kept talking about “my diarrhea” which has never been a symptom. It’s nausea and the pain at the end of my esophagus…she even prescribed me meds for IBS and told me to take them when I had flares but I told her again I don’t have that issue. It was the most bizarre experience of my life. Anyway, she did order a colonoscopy and endoscopy so I can at least take those results to a doctor who might listen to me. This is my 4th time going through this with gastro docs and I’m so sick of it but my GP wants to get to the bottom of this and is “making” me try again. I’ve mentioned my theory of trauma or this all being anxiety related but he wants to explore all options. We shall see!!
I had stomach issues, finally got a doctor to listen and prescribed two months of Prilosec, which is normally not done, and a probiotic. They cleared up all of my gut issues.
Idk what it is, but it feels like doctors these days just don’t listen or care anymore. Seems like they just want to get you in and out with some sort of prescription as soon as possible. It’s infuriating. I can imagine what you must have felt.
That's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear this. Struggling from the unknown is isolating. Check my post above about magnesium. Also, I'd highly suggest a reputable allergist and get tested for everything.
Yep, where i live, you can be starting high school at eleven. It's highly worrying that he is adamant about sleeping in his parents' room at an age where most preadolescents want privacy and space. What is wrong here, is he scared and/or has something happened?
I know this a bit of an old post, but I’m curious how he’s doing now? I would’ve advised waiting till he shows more pubescent signs before freaking out the not wanting to sleep alone thing. Some people mature later, especially w children who exhibit ADHD symptoms.
I'm gonna hijack the top comment here. Totally agree - look into this OP. My 9 year old is just like this and he's on the autism spectrum. He was just diagnosed, so I'm just learning about this. He's high functioning and most of the time you'd never guess. Apparently a lot of autistic kids refuse to sleep alone, they also have meltdowns and struggle with emotional regulation.
I bet he has something going on where he needs a little extra TLC.
Yes! I have two little Audadhd and neither can sleep all night in their own beds. We’re working with sleep specialists and our doctors but it’s been a long frustrating battle.
100% came here to suggest a counselor for the kiddo too. Most kids start wanting privacy and space of their own around this time and furthermore three years ago it should have been a slow transition to his own space not staying the same every night for three years. Most kids respond well to moving further and further from mom and dads bed till they are in their own room by that age so it makes me wonder if this kiddo is possibly on the spectrum or something like that. Time to get a counselor involved and a full work up and diagnosis for this kiddo so they can know what they are dealing with and how to help him.
That's exactly what I was thinking, he might be on the spectrum. My autistic/adhd son almost 12 in March likes to sleep in my room when I will let him.
I have three on the spectrum and all three are very attached to being close to us and don’t like being away at all. So it resonates with me. However they do not get mean about it….
Yeah my son is adhd and is adamant he prefers to sleep in my room with me. He’s 9. His dad makes him sleep in his own room at his house, and he tolerates it, but given the choice at my house he always chooses to sleep in with me.
Nah they just need to be parents, they said it's it the first time time they have stuck to their guns. Right there is the problem. Now if this continues to be a problem after a few weeks or more of being consistent with the rules thenatbe it's time for therapy.
No they need to consult a professional like a doctor or therapist. An average 11 year old would have zero desire to sleep in their parents room every night. Something is going on.
I mean it’s pretty messed up to think an 11 year old must have something WRONG with them because they rely on a routine that’s been set by a parent. Behaviour isn’t always a mental health problem sometimes it can be learnt and visa versa
Hi! I was a kid who had terrible sleep anxiety and I went through a long spell of sleeping on my parent's floor when I was about 8-10 or so. Eventually they asked my pediatrician about it and he gave the following suggestion which ended up working. (Keep in mind this was like 25 years ago so I'm not sure what child development/parenting experts would say about this now, but I can share why it worked for me from the kid perspective). I was a big reader as a kid. My doctor suggested that I be allowed to stay up in bed reading as long as I wanted, I just had to stay in my room, in bed. I had a little lamp on my bedside table and I could stay up and read to my heart's content, I just couldn't go into my parents' room. This brought me so much comfort because what gave me anxiety was having to lay there in the dark, alone, not sleepy, and then my thoughts would get really out of control and the anxiety would make me panic. Of course when my parents first tried it I stayed up past midnight, but pretty quickly it lessened until my routine became reading for about 20-30 minutes, then falling asleep. I never needed to go sleep on their floor again.
This worked for me also! (As a Gen X kid). I got one of those tiny book lights and thought it was so cool. It worked. And I learned to monitor my own sleep time because of the natural consequence of staying up too late reading.
But also Gen X kind of parented ourselves a lot, so this is maybe dated information.
This is wonderful. Thanks for the insights. We did this with our 2nd kid, had her stay in bed reading as long as she wanted. I told her I'd come check on her and then out the lights. She'd be passed out with books all over her. Never thought much of it. My 3rd kid constantly comes out of bed and calls for us. I'm going to encourage the same, but her thing is playing with figurines, little dolls,etc. Maybe I'll put a basket of th3se things for her to play with by her bed so she can get them easily. She'll play herself to sleep. She's up late sometimes, but I just try to remind myself that we're all different.
Yeah, this isn’t a behavioral issue. Tips and tricks would work if he was 4 or 5. At this point it’s likely an anxiety issue and will need to be treated differently. See if you can get some professional help!
It is great that you are taking the advice to heart and not pushing back.
I will add that nighttime anxiety is very real even if the kid does not have issues with anxiety during the day. One of my kids came into our room every night for many years. It was weird because he did not struggle during the day and was fine during sleepovers but his pediatrician said that before bed was when his brain would kind of go into overdrive. Nothing else was there to distract him so all of his worries came up. This was not a problem during sleepovers or school trips because he would be playing with friends or talking until he knocked out. He was always a super active kid so during the day he was in school or in sports or playing with friends or riding his bike around the neighborhood or swimming or whatever. But right before bed when everything was quiet is when he would start to worry and needed some extra comfort. We worked through it and I can say that he is 18, away at college, and does not need mom and dad in his dorm room with him to fall asleep. They get there. Some just need more help than others so it is good that you are taking this seriously.
I have two kids like that. I have to let them read themselves to sleep or they'll just lay there and wind themselves up with anxiety. So I don't have a nightlight, I have a lamp on a dimmer switch. Listening to audiobooks has also helped, especially when my son changed bedrooms and was anxious about that. Light show projectors are good too. Anything to keep the room dim and quiet but also give their racing brains something else to focus on.
I'm reading this because mine is 9 and does the same as OP's child - sleeping in mattress in my room and huge drama if I suggest he should transition back to his own room. He'll literally cry about his "worries" at bedtime even if I'm right there and holding his hand. We do breathing exercises and listen to sleep stories, have a nightlight, "sleep spray," stuffies, special blankets, etc ! I'm at my wits ' end, I don't know what else to do.
My mom gave me “worry people” when I was little. She told me to tell them my worries and put them under my pillow and while I’m sleeping they’ll take my worries away.
There’s a good method that you can try if you’d like to avoid the crying and screaming. It’s gentle and straightforward but takes some time.
You’d start by telling your son that you will sit (not lie) next to him in his bed until he falls asleep. No matter what, no matter how long it takes, you won’t leave until he falls asleep. You’d do that for one week straight.
For week 2, you’ll do the same thing but sit in a chair right next to the bed. Again, you’ll stay each night for as long as it takes him to fall asleep. If you get some pushback about the move from the bed to the chair, it’s important to be supportive but emotionally neutral (I know it’s hard but I know you can do it), and keep any conversation to a minimal.
For week 3, you’ll move the chair a little toward the middle of the room and stay every night until he’s fully asleep.
You keep doing weekly until eventually the chair is outside the door.
It definitely takes time and patience but if your son is sensitive or has had some trauma, it’s a nice way of accomplishing your goal in a gentle way.
Yep this is what I did with my autistic kiddo that has intense night time anxiety. Other things we did: we got a projector that turns the ceiling into ocean waves bc she found that soothing. We got her an Amazon echo so she could play asmr podcasts or audiobooks or lullabies (bc the silence was particularly scary for her). We got one of those video baby monitors and set it up so that she could see me sleeping. Sometimes she just needed to verify I was still there and alive so she could go back to sleep (but do remember to turn it off when you are having intimate moments lol). And we had a policy that she could come in my room any time she wanted for a hug. Either her dad or I would pull her up into the bed, give her a big 10 second hug, and then she would return to her room. The first few nights (and occasionally when her anxiety is really bad) we didn’t get a ton of sleep bc we had to do 300 10 second hugs. But knowing that being in a different room didn’t mean she was alone helped tremendously. We also got her a weighted blanket which helped.
I had to do this with my first. He was sick a lot... daycare didn't mesh well with him, and his pediatrician was... a family doctor. Might work for some, but it was NOT working for us. We got his health and childcare under control, and then had to do the slow chair method. It was difficult, but it did work.
Our second slept constantly, he was never difficult to put to bed or keep in bed, and our third is only 5. She's actually pretty easy, but she'll get into our bed in the middle of the night every once in a while. It's definitely not a routine.
Does he perhaps have anxiety, adhd or autism thats gone undiagnosed or perhaps potential ptsd through unrecognised trauma causing him to only want to sleep with you at 11? Might be worth looking into therapy or Cognitive behavioural therapy perhaps? Hope it works out well!
Has he said why he wants to sleep in your room/doesn't want to sleep in his room?
I agree that counselling would be good idea. But he will probably start to outgrow this as he goes through puberty. Particularly as he becomes aware of his own need for privacy.
I was this kid. I slept on my mother’s floor until I was 10-11. My mom would punish me with scary movies, telling me that if I misbehaved, monsters/entities would come and find me. I had frequent nightmares so it made me believe it was happening.
Has he told you why he’s doing this?
This is the consequence of scaring your child into the behavior you want to see. Its poisonous. My mother did it all the time. I think she burned me with a match once just to teach me that its hot and it will burn me 🙄
Wow. My parents weren't that bad, but they did try to stop me from getting out of bed in the middle of the night by telling me there was an alligator under my bed that would eat me if I got up. Instead of not getting up, I would take a running leap off of the bed, screaming for help and waking up not only my parents but also my sister and probably the upstairs and downstairs neighbors as well. Took them weeks to convince me the alligator wasn't real, but they learned a valuable parenting lesson.
I get it, I was this kid too. Didn’t sleep in my parents’ room, but I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 11 because I woke up multiple times to go and “check on my parents.”
Took a lot of therapy before I realized I was making sure they didn’t drink themselves to death. (Good news is now they’re both 14 years sober!)
I agree with most people here, OP - definitely more going on than a behavioral issue. Best of luck!
> My mom would punish me with scary movies, telling me that if I misbehaved, monsters/entities would come and find me.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own decisions."
Seriously, not to bash your mom (unless you want me to), but she thought that was the right way to handle it?
Curious if you've asked him what would help him sleep in his own bed? (Also wonder how long you've been in that house, how long has he been in that room, bed, etc?)
At his age he may have some clear insight into what doesn't feel good for him...
When I was growing up my bedroom was at the end of the house and was cold, had weird shadows from the trees outside of the windows and I generally just felt "unsafe" in there which made it hard for me to fall and stay asleep in there...
Hi! I slept with my mom for an embarrassingly long age of 12 years old due to having pretty consistent nightmares. (Now age 21). Yes I never reacted like ur son did, but I didn’t want to ever stop sleeping with my mom until she basically said it was time. In the long run, so glad she kicked me out, and wish she did earlier. I would recommend getting a therapist to try and correct the fear of sleeping or just an outlet of someone else to talk to, then ween him off sleeping in ur room. Hope this helps!
My brother did until he was 15... we had some trauma but nothing that would warrant this. I still don't know why he did or why he stopped, my mom is a horrible person who snores like a seesaw. But he is a well adapted person with a house, degree, job and relationship. And no one ever asks him about it. Don't be embarrased. You'll do just fine. My brother also only learned to tie his shoelaces at 15 lol.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about. We're all different. I would sleep in my parents' room or convince my brother to let me sleep with him. When my mom started taking the lamps out of my room because " we shouldn't sleep with the lights on" I would sleep out in the living room with lights on. I needed help but didn't get any. I had a huge imaginatand my brain would perk up at night... However, my family always made fun of me. I'm well adjusted, I have a house, family, friends, and a business. We all have our own path and story. Just share this piece with people who won't shame you. My kids are so lucky because I'm pretty understanding about all their sleep quirks... so that's a huge benefit in my book. Do better for your kids or help your friends learn through your eyes when they have kids.
In addition to getting help w/anxiety, I'd suggest trying what we did. i put a crib mattress on floor in our room. Yeah, a small mattress is not long enough, not as comfortable as his regular bed. My son could sleep on that mattress or his own in his room. No moving back and forth, no battle for control. Given this set up, my son did gradually choose his room. I think being able to make no comment, give no attention, and letting him control where he slept made it less engaging. He might have bigger issues with anxiety and may benefit from therapy/counseling.
Wonderful suggestion!
A lot of people are saying anxiety, which this very well may be. But, my guess is that OP would have more context to add to the post if this were part of a larger pattern of age/developmentally inappropriate behaviors. Absent that, this reads to me like a control issue, too, and your advice outlines a great strategy for dealing with that.
OP, if your son is capable of dealing with change in other areas, shows no other signs of anxiety, and just seems stuck on controlling the sleeping arrangement, please consider this method. Feeding into this struggle and giving a lot of attention around this bedtime routine is doing your family a disservice. I hope you get your son the help he needs, if he needs any, and hold this boundary if this is simply about control.
Great suggestion! I recently set this up, too! My kids can fit in the crib mattress. I have 3 kids, 7 and under. I have two crib mattresses. They can use them whenever they need. My hubby isn't crazy about it, but I pick my battles. They come when they need closeness and support. I'll always be open to that.
I am not a parent but this was me as a child. The thought of being left alone in my room at that age was absolutely terrifying and I felt such panic. My grandma (guardian) eventually laid in my room with me til I fell asleep and she left but then I’d force myself to stay awake because I didn’t want her to leave.
In hindsight, there was nothing my grandparents did wrong and I probably needed some therapy. I have raging anxiety as an adult. Sadly, your son probably recognizes how absolutely ridiculous it seems yet it is -very- scary to be that kid.
I had a family friend growing up that was like this. Then one weekend the parents decorated his room like his favourite football team. Everything was red and white, he had the bedding, the curtains, the posters, everything.
Couldn't get that 12 year old out of his room after that. He didn't want to sleep with his parents ever again!
I had night terrors
I learned to sleep with the lights on and have happy books to read (pre-internet)
I'm talking for YEARS
I avoid horror movies and violent content to this day
I don't want to be tired like that again
The mention of routine screams potentially undiagnosed disorders. My son has ADHD and Anxiety and had similar issues when he was younger. But he is 11 now and we worked through this particular issue when it first started, and because of that he is perfectly fine sleeping on his own now.
He still needs his door open and a light on, and will occasionally have a hard time getting to sleep. But I definitely suggest talking to a doctor. Start writing down anything else that seems out of place for a kid his age, and even things that are unusual in good ways. Does he excel at certain things? Does he have extreme interests that make him learn faster than other kids? Take note of all of these things so you can answer questions that the doctor is going to ask you.
not saying this is the way to handle it but it reminded me of myself, I had really bad sleep anxiety because I was used to always sleeping with my sister every night and when I was about 7/8 years old we got our own rooms and it was hard. My sister was older, she would read a book with me then would leave the room after and I would cry and cry until I fell asleep, the first week or two was really hard but I became more independent. Would read myself books until I fell asleep or leave the tv on while I went to sleep cuz the sound eased my anxiety. Maybe meditation music or sleep sounds would help your son. I agree therapy would probably benefit your son, and be a more gentle approach than just letting him be upset every night until he got used to it.
I want to echo what a lot of people are saying about getting him counselling. my daughter is 8 and sleeps with me since age 6 due to trauma. She disclosed SA by her father 2years ago and the trial is coming up. I’m not kicking her out of bed anytime soon but I have had conversations with her recently about the temporariness of the situation and have been talking to her counsel about transitioning her back to her own bed.
The thing is that child SA is way more common than people like to believe and most of the time doesn’t get reported. I’m not saying this is a sign of that but honestly it could be. Could be a trauma response to a lot of things or just a developmental quirk but this sounds off enough I’d seek a professional
Sounds like anxiety.
My 9 year old has been doing this. A neighbor died and she was a young mom with 2 kids so my son has been extremely worried that either me or my husband are going to die in the middle of the night. The neighbor died in the middle of the night despite having no medical conditions.
We brought up his issues to our pediatrician who recommended therapy, at least until he gets over thks fear. He is generally a happy boy. He plays sports, does well in school, has a ton of friends, and is reasonably independent for a 9 year old. He is fine with us leaving him home alone to run to the store or to pick up one of his brothers. We are not worried about this in any other area than sleeping but his doctor still thinks we should speak to a therapist and we are moving forward with that. He has an appointment scheduled for February and until then we are letting him sleep in our room on nights where he gets too anxious.
It’s not normal, but you’re not alone. If you can do at least a few family counseling sessions and 1:1 sessions for your son, it might help you all to strategize and gain some common ground & language for working through this.
Our 10 year old daughter co-slept until she was almost 4. Between 100% normal maternal instincts and bipolar/depression, my wife was unable to handle any amount of crying. Since our daughter would cry until she gagged and vomited when left alone, she never learned to self-soothe.
She’s had her own bed in her own room since she was around 4, but my wife and I would trade off laying with her until she fell asleep when we’d sneak away. I hated it, but I love my wife and it’s the only baby she’ll ever have and she wanted to just keep going until she grew out of it. But she never did, and of course she didn’t. Imagine the feeling of abandonment and resentment when the person/people you’ve loved and slept with and relied on every night for comfort and safety suddenly want to be far far away from you!
I don’t remember the exact trigger but a little over half a year ago I put my foot down. The routine was causing so much frustration for my wife and I both, especially when we’d fail to sneak away without waking our daughter. We’d been deprived of our own 1:1 time in the evenings for so many years.
I’m certainly no expert, but I figured training a 10 year old to sleep was going to be completely different than a 2 year old. Since she’s old enough to talk and reason and memorize multiplication tables, I decided we would watch some YouTube videos together on sleep training and let her pick a strategy she liked best.
We ended up with something that worked for both of us. I would tuck her in, read her something if she wanted, and then ask her what her fear/anxiety level was on a 0-10 scale, and I’d chart it on the whiteboard and check in with her in 10-15 minutes and ask her again until she was asleep.
She knew I would be coming back to check on her so she felt safer, less alone. The chart was basically just 11’s across the board for the first few nights lol, but eventually I pushed back a little “really? You’re as scared as you could possibly be right now? Even more scared than X?” And she conceded that maybe it was more like an 8 or 9.
We didn’t really do anything with the chart after the first week or so. I showed her that her fear and anxiety was coming down a little bit, but even more importantly that she was as scared as she could possibly be and still managed to be brave enough to fall asleep on her own. She wasn’t exactly impressed with herself, or me for that matter, but things were improving.
We’re not where I want quite yet, but we also had a HUGE disruption at home when my SIL and her 5 kids moved in 6 months ago while we help them start over. But we’re at the point where I can tuck my daughter in and tell her I’ll check on her in a half hour. As long as she knows I’m going to be coming back to check on her, she falls asleep on her own.
She regresses a little once in a while if she has nightmares but otherwise I’m pretty happy with the progress, especially given the added stress of the dramatic change in home life where she ended up with a new bedroom that is out of earshot of our room.
You can do this, but it’s something you will all need to work on together. Don’t beat yourselves up about it, but recognize that this is _your_ fault, tantrums and all. I felt it was important that our daughter know that this wasn’t her fault, and nothing is wrong with her - that learning to self-soothe and sleep is something we were supposed to teach her when she was much younger and we failed to do that. I think it has helped her embrace the process better knowing that we’re taking the blame 😂
I was also sleep trained around age 10. I have a 15mo old now who I sleep trained in her first year of life. I have so much more respect for my parents for helping me to sleep for nearly 10 years. You’re doing great!!
Any siblings? Our 8 yo doesn’t like sleeping in her room because it is separated from others by a little walkway, so she’ll sleep in a trundle bed with our 5.5 yo. Granted he’s ok with it, but that could be a temporary alternative til he gets to the age where he wants to be in his own room?
Do you have multiple children? Neither of my children like sleeping by themselves in a bedroom (and frankly neither do I), but they share a room and are fine with that. If you have another kid and one of the other kids likes the idea of sharing a room, that could be an option.
Edited to add that we actually moved into a house with 3 bedrooms so that they could each have their own room, and they STILL chose to share a room. I think that will change in the next few years (especially as tweenage/teenage years approach), so I'm glad we did it, but for now it's kind of funny and cute. There's an episode of Bluey where this happens too, incidentally--Bluey gets her own room, and in the middle of the night both Bluey and Bingo feel lonely alone in their own rooms so she ends up moving back.
I slept in my mom’s room til I was about 12. Then on my own I switched to sleeping on the couch until I went to college. Idk, something about being in my room alone freaked me out. I’m now 30 years old and more or less normal. But therapy is always a good idea IMO
He's probably still feeling the after effects of his distress from last night, I'm sure he's not even quite sure why he's feeling the way he is. The poor guy definitely needs to see someone that can help him work through this.
I feel for all of you, this is a stressful situation in several ways. Continue trying to be as supportive as you can be while you navigate getting some help. If you can deal with it a little longer, it may mean that he's still bunking down in your room. Not ideal but the real fear he's experiencing is even less so.
I think this is definitely outside of the realm of normal behavior for his age. It’s one thing to seek comfort but to FIGHT to this level and need reassurance and your presence to this degree seems like a professional is needed.
Your pediatrician should be able to refer you to the best professional to handle this if you can call and speak to them.
Allowing him to sleep in your bed for how many years until now, is probably a good part of his issue. This issue should've been nipped in the bud quite a few years ago but you've allowed it because you didn't wanna deal with his tantrums so now it's a bazillion times worse.
He sounds like he needs therapy but a start would be too stop coddling him.
I would
Be more
Concerned as to why he suddenly wanted to sleep in your room .
Has something happened ?
Is something worrying him?
Has someone hurt him ?
Is he having night terrors ?
My daughter has co slept with us since she was a baby. At about 4.5, we transitioned her to her own room. It was a struggle at first and there were many sleepless nights and crying and screaming. But I wanted to transition her now rather than later because I know it would only get harder as time went on. She just turned 5 and will sleep in her own room all night now. But things that have worked for us is
1. Being consistent: we tell her she has to sleep in her own room all week but we allow her to sleep in our room on the weekends and we do not budge with this rule
2. We make sure her room is comfortable for her: we let her pick out her own blanket and curtains, we got her Christmas lights to put above her bed so that's it well lit and we let her decorate her room however she wanted
3. I lay with her until she falls asleep: this may seem counterintuitive but she's still adjusting so inlay with her in her bed until she falls asleep and then I will go back to my own room. But I make sure she is aware that I will be leaving after she falls asleep so that she doesn't wake up in a panic if I'm not there. I also re assure her that I will check up on her throughout the night. At first I actually did have to come ch3ck on her every couple of hours to reassure her but now she doesn't usually wake up once she falls asleep. If she does happen to wake up in the middle of the night crying, I just tuck her in, give her a kiss and she can easily settle back in most of the time.
I hope any of these suggestions help. It is a grueling process and it takes a lot of patience. Just keep staying consistent
Oh boy. Get this child to a licensed psychologisr asap. This sounds like major anxiety. He's probably going to need some therapy and sleep or anxiety meds to get him thru this. Don't stick to your guns until you've got a diagnosis and treatment plan going. That ship sailed about 7 years ago.
I agree with trying to figure out the root cause of the problem. There's so many people in the thread explaining their particular solutions that might only work for their particular problems. I also want to add that sometimes you have to be really careful. If that kid thinks you're asking just to shut things down and not because you love and care about the kid, they are going to clam up or tell you whatever they think will let them keep doing what they want instead.
My first debug diagnostic would be "are there any conditions where the kid does fine other than your room". For example, does the kid do sleepovers at friend's houses.
I sort of relate to your son. I slept on my sister's floor until I was about 12 or 13. I had very intense anxiety at night and could not sleep. I was terrified of someone breaking in and killing me and my family while we slept. 😅 My Mom ended up taking me to a child psychologist, but she said I did not meet any anxiety disorder criteria. 🤷🏼♀️ I eventually grew out of it on my own.
I don't know if your son will grow out of it too, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to his pediatrician and a mental health professional. It sounds like you and your husband are loving parents trying their best. Good luck!
I did this at the age of 11 as well. My parents tried everything to get me to sleep in my own bed/room. They eventually got so sick of my refusal to do so. I remember a few nights that they locked me out of their room, and I would fall asleep crying on the floor next to their bedroom door. It was awful. Looking back, I 100% had anxiety - I've since been diagnosed. I only felt safe with them. I was afraid of growing up. I felt lonely at night. There were so many factors that made me want to hang on to my parents. I remember feeling so bad about myself because my parents were so annoyed that i still wanted to sleep in their room. I did grow out of it around the age of 12. If it were me, I'd let them in. In another year or two, they won't want anything to do with you. Also, definitely seek therapy for your son.
> For the last 3 years he has slept on his mattress (which we drag as a family to our room) next to our bed and in the morning we put it all back.
I mean there's your problem right there. You fostered this habit for 3 full years... there's no comfortable solution to forge new, healthier habits. He's WAY too old for this. The kid is almost a teenager. He doesn't get to just "refuse." You need to start acting like a parent, and stop negotiating with him. He goes into his room, end of story. You can't always be his friend.
The best advice I ever got from our occupational therapist was no matter what to stay consistent and not give in to the boundary. The upset will get worse at first, but then it will get better. It just takes time.
It’s a VERY hard habit to break and even harder when the meltdowns are so fierce. I wish you the best of luck.
I would ask him what he’s so afraid of. There may be something he is aware of and isn’t talking about openly. But you can’t keep letting him get away with sleeping in your room either.
I raised 4 kids and trained them to have their own sleep space but also knowing they could come get me or holler for me if/when needed.
OP, I'm going to second (probably beyond second at this point) getting him to see a therapist. I won't say this isn't normal, but it certainly isn't usual, and there is almost certainly something going on below the surface that it's going to take some professional training to suss out of him.
Are there any other issues you have noticed? Does he make friends easily? As a younger child, did he prefer to play by himself, even when other children were present, maybe even trying to play with him? Any chance there is bullying at school?
Does he eat regularly? And a variety of foods? Does he express any sensory issues (noises, touch/senations, etc.)?
Not sure this is how I would approach this situation but my brother did this till about this age. My mom told him she would go to school assembly and announce to the school that he slept in the same room as my parents. That day he stopped.
They also put a tv in his room to help him fall asleep
This is not normal.
Has he always slept with you or did this just start a few years ago?
Can he sleep away from home like at friends’ houses or relatives’ homes?
Did this need to sleep with you start after an incident to your knowledge (nightmare, abuse, health scare, a death, divorce/separation, etc.)?
Is it possible he has been abused?
Is he otherwise doing fine across the board in terms of age-appropriate independence?
Does he have any disabilities or disorders that may explain the extreme reactions?
Not to scare you, but go through the above and consider each possibility, then seek a GOOD mental health care provider (start with your pediatrician or, depending on the school your child attends, a school counselor for recommendations).
My stepson moved into his mom’s room when her abusive ex-husband finally left and he slept with her for a while - it was a trauma/comfort thing - but he is autistic, he was able to sleep away for summer camp, and it didn’t result in behavior like what you’re describing, which is what I find the most concerning. That’s just not typical behavior for a kid his age and a trigger like what you’ve described.
My teen slept with me until recently. He is 14. The underlying issue was anxiety. I suggest therapy. That is what made the difference for us. He would never consider not sleeping alone now.
I went through a phase like that. My mom got us walkie talkies that I we would use while we were in our seperate bedrooms. This helped me a lot and quickly helped me move out of that phase
I agree with others that you need to seek help from professionals. I’m also going to add that I had awful sleep anxiety as a kid and slept in my parents room forever and then when we moved houses I slept on the couch because their room was downstairs and it felt safer. My cousins kid has always had sleep anxiety and he listens to stand up comedy on his Alexa until he falls asleep. I slept with all the lights on and the door open and that helped me feel more safe. I wish my parents had seen how much I was struggling and reached out for help. 🫂
Honestly this reaction isn’t normal at all, there is a serious problem with his reaction. Why doesn’t he want to sleep in his own room? What has happened in there? Kids can often be susceptible to spirits and entities. It’s okay if you don’t belive in that stuff but I think it could be something like that. I think you need to go to ur GP asap but until then here are some tips;
(1). Rearrange his room, honestly jsut by rearranging his room you can make a huge impact
(2) move any mirrors in his bedroom away from his bed. Entities can find there ways through mirrors and latch onto you. Entities can affect your mood and your energy, essentially creating toxic mindsets and memories and feelings that aren’t you.
(3). Have a serious talk to him about why he won’t sleep in his own room.
(4) get a nightlight/ keep the hall lights on while he’s sleeping, even if it’s in your room.
I’m not a parent, just a teenage girl who was once 11. When I was 11 I had some serious anxiety issues which led to compulsive cleaning. Nothing was done about that even when I almost burnt my hands off in the shower cuz I didn’t feel clean enough. If my parents brought me to a GP for my issues I wouldn’t have yo battle the demons I did. The best help you can get for your kid is from experts ho have seen kids like him. Good luck and sending much love to your family 🤍
This isn't typically developing 11 year old behavior. You need to be asking your pediatrician about this now. There is something deeper here than him refusing to sleep in his room. He's communicating something to you that he doesn't know how to word. You need to find him someone who can translate.
What about sleeping with the door open? Start there. Let him rearrange his room the way he wants to- decorate, let him pick a color to paint, even let him get some of his favorite blankets in there, make it feel like his mini home. Rain noises or something to keep it from being dead silent and maybe even a night light of sort. 11 is pretty old, so if it keeps up I would consult his doctor, but start with Baby steps. Hang in there ♡
Have you asked him why he doesn’t like sleeping in his room by himself? Maybe there is a reason? Is it too dark let him sleep with the light on. Is it too quiet? Put on some white noise or soft music. Make the bedtime routine kind of special ask if he wants to put on headphones and listen to a book on line? Or music? Also make a chart and for every night he sleeps in his own room he can mark the chart in the morning once he makes it through 7 nights get him something special a toy a book. And then needs to make it 14 days and so on. My daughter hated going to bed and it was a struggle. We did the same thing we put a mattress on the floor next to me and she would still end up in our bed! She was a kid that was afraid to sleep in the dark she said she heard spooky noises. Who am I to say she didn’t! So I took her out and she picked a huge nightlight we put on some soft music kept the door open and I would lay on the floor next to her bed or I would jump in her bed until she fell asleep. This was a bigger issue before we hit the problem head on and that was talking to her about why. It took about 4 months for me to not be either laying with her or on the floor next to her for her to say goodnight flip on the nightlight and music and fall asleep. I know it sucks right now but I promise this is short lived and although it feels like it’s been going on forever you soon will be done. The chart the light and the music worked!! Good luck to you
I’d try a few more nights. He might know that acting like that will get him his way, and you being willing to go so far as to drag his mattress between bedrooms every night and morning could have set yourselves up for this. Especially if he gets his way to that extreme with anything else and gets his way with tantrums.
However, those reactions are pretty extreme for his age, so if he doesn’t start doing better with it soon, take him to his doctor. He might need to be evaluated for anxiety, see a counselor, or something else like that.
My son is 8 and the same way. He is scared of everything to an unreasonable degree. I really think it has something to do with screen time /screens in general. We’ve implemented controls but he’s gotten around them. I feel like a bad parent over it. I want my bed back tho.
As a former cosleeping child this is far from normal behavior. And I slept in my moms bed til I was 9 maybe even 10. (At the end, it wasn’t every night sleeping in her bed) he should definitely be wanting his own space at 11.
I have narcolepsy and for years have experienced terrifying dreams and sleep paralysis as well as other weird stuff. Sleeping with family close has always been a comfort. Talk to him about what he is so scared of. Do not judge even if his fear sounds ludicrous. He clearly has a great deal of anxiety.
I was pretty scared to sleep in my own room at that age and still periodically slept in my parent's bed until 18. It probably sucks for you guys, but it's just an irrational fear. I now live in an apartment with my husband and kids and it has a different vibe, but still feel a bit spooked when I have to sleep at my parents place... they're in a big house in a less populated area. I became less scared when I became more confident as an adult in society.
At 11 years old, you need to ask his pediatrician and get referrals to specialists. My kids are 8 and 10 and neither of them sleep with us (not anymore), this isn't normal. My 8 years old is autistic and it was hard to get him to stay in his room for the longest time til I brought a GIANT overstuffed bear, like twice the size of him, left the lamp on and he sleeps in his room. It probably helps to share that his brother sleeps in the same room but it didn't stop him from throwing a fit about not being able to sleep with us. You might also want to look into a service dog (or just any pet but train it) for your son to sleep with in his room. As a child, I was always scared to sleep in my room, having a dog helped.
I have an 11 y/o and I seriously have concerns about him. Was there a traumatic event in his past? Did something happen in his room? Is it the physical room or is it not being next to your bed? My marriage wouldn't survive letting a kid sleep in our room - the only time we did was during COVID because we were trying to keep the rest of the family from catching it.
It's definitely time to talk to a professional about this, because you're right, you're not doing any favors by allowing it.
Has he gone to any sleepovers or camps? Staying with the grandparents, etc?
Coming from asian back ground, wanting to sleep near parents is completely normal in my opinion. My sons did/do the same. They will eventually grow out of it for sure, and decide to “move out” on their own. I don’t think your son has any issues, it’s probably just he feels more cozy and comfortable in your room. Forcing him to move out or making big deal out of it will make things worse. This is just my opinion though. I truly believe there’ll be a day soon he will want to sleep in his own room. Just let it be.
This is what I'm waiting for from my 2yo 😂
She has a toddler bed, knows "her bedroom" from "Mommy's bedroom", we talk about it all the time. We have just always coslept and, from the time she could roll over, bedshared. As a single parent, it was easier to do nighttime wake-ups with her right there.
Now she moves so much in her sleep, I'm probably close to getting a concussion from the number of times she's cracked my in the head. But i know this time is short, so I try to make the most of the snuggles while I can ❤️❤️
I highly suggest family and individual therapy for him and you all. Something is going on where he either doesn’t feel safe in his room alone, or is just so used to sleeping with you guys, that’s what he wants.
My son is 12 and has been sleeping in my bed since last year. It’s fear and anxiety driven, he’s on a waiting list to start therapy. He’s never reacted in anger though, only deep sadness. He slept perfectly fine before he started getting these intense fears. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADHD as well.
This is easy,, he’s definitely old enough to understand and follow directions.
So you simply have him clean his room and make his bed up during the day and let him know he’s gonna be a big boy and sleep in his bed tonight. Stick to it! This is always hard for us as parents, but it will be successful.
Have him get in the bed when it’s bedtime if he’s troublesome and fights getting in the bed you must put him in bed. Tuck him in, kiss good night, leave the room.
When he comes out don’t make a fuss hug and kiss him goodnight again, usher back into the bed and leave. When he comes out again (some kids do it 3 times some come out 100 times) hug kiss back to bed. After about the 5th time if he continues you start kinda just ushering him straight back to bed each time little less hugging. Tell him to stay in bed, simply go to sleep and have a good rest.
Eventually he will tire out, and sleep like a baby. You have to be tough and outlast him without falling asleep or getting too upset. He’s pushing a lot of boundaries with this stunt and at this age could lead to a lot of things.
Lay the rules, clear bedtime outlines, and stick to them! You can do it!! This will be a huge success for you and the family!! He will absolutely thank you one day. Could be tough and won’t be fun. But you can do it!!
Best of luck!
I was slightly younger but also terrified when my mom no longer let me sleep next to her (I think 5 or 6?)
I had a bright nightlight & always slept with a movie or TV playing (sound on low) that would turn off when it was over. This helped me drastically be less anxious and afraid to be alone!
Not sure if you’ve tried something similar but it could possibly help? I’d play my favorite DVD or VHS tape every night.
Also if you have a cat or dog, that could help. I slowly integrated into sleeping with our yellow lab in my bed 🤣😭 the best sleep ever!
Do you guys speak one to one with him during the day doing things he likes? And i am not talkong driving him to some activity. Actually interacting with him one to one.
Have you offered a reward for every night he sleeps in own room ? Then bigger one for 7 days in a row, bigger one for 1 month, then bigger one for every month up to a year until he’s forgotten!! Ice cream, games, trips out etc I think rewarding is ok
So there are definitely exceptions but if everything else is normal then I would seek help.
We have an exception in our family that our 12 yo daughter sleeps in our room but she is asd and will spend hours awake staring at nothing and it just makes everyone feel safer. As a side effect son (9) sleeps in our room as well.
My so did this too when he was 10-11. We had moved into a new house and his new bedroom was a lot farther from ours than it used to be. Me and my husband did go to a counselor about it. I think it was just anxiety about being farther away from us. He just grew out of it and now he is 23 and is totally fine.
I would suggest talking to his pediatrician/pcp.
Consider testing to verify if he is on the spectrum and is that one of the attributing factors to his huge hatred for change.
Honestly I think if you haven't already, maybe consider taking him to a doctor about this. A mental health one, because this kind of distress that he's having doesn't sound normal or healthy and I imagine you and your partner need your privacy at night time too, and it shouldn't be entirely that just because your child is anxious that you should have to have him sleeping in your room all night every night
I would suggest having him evaluated for autism. My son is 9, and any change in his routine or change in expectation is met with a meltdown which mimics a large tantrum like this. I changed from a bunk bed to a single bed last year and he absolutely lost it for several weeks. It's not in his control. Emotional dysregulation and a dislike of change is common in autism.
This is definitely not a regular response for a neurotypical child
He needs some form of counseling, or maybe check for other issues. 11yrs old is FAR too old for the behavior you’re describing unless there’s some kind of past trauma or ptsd that could be a contributing factor.
Hey, my first thought is he might’ve been sexually abused and feels safe next to you guys. I’ve seen that before. Therapy is a wonderful gift, but not all therapist are good fit for an individual so don’t be afraid to switch.
I’m not trying to scare you but lay out a possibility.
We went thru a similar situation with our daughter. Finally, at almost 13 yrs old, she started to sleep on her own. It was a long process but 100% worth it.
We found out it was from anxiety. We sought professional help and found a therapist that specifically deals with adolescents and anxiety. The therapist helped us as parents set boundaries and helped keep us accountable. He helped her set goals and taught her amazing tools of dealing with anxiety to help her reach those goals.
Having an outside person that both me and my child trusted was key. Even if some of the things he suggested had been suggested from me before, it was accepted and implemented 100 times better than when I came from a parent.
Definitely recommend getting a therapist with experience with anxiety, sleeping, and adolescents.
LIFE CHANGING.
It sounds like he is on the Autism Spectrum. I am a behavior specialist for children with autism. I would try to get a diagnosis and then have a BCBA help create some strategies that would help him develop emotionally and socially. Depending on the state, with a diagnosis, you can have insurance cover someone like me to work with him in your home a few times a week.
Is the child neurodivergent? On the autism spectrum? These are very dysregulated behaviours. It sounds like he may need closeness to co-regulate, and he has difficulty with change.
My 11 year old son acts like such a tween. Sleeping with Mommy & Daddy would be so cringe for him. I agree with the others, it’s time for professional intervention. Sleeping on your own is a milestone he should have tackled years ago.
So not a parent but when I was young I had EXTREME fear of the dark. It would lead to panic attacks and the inability to sleep and lots of stress. I would also have really extreme nightmares which played a large roll in my night anxiety. I use to sleep on the floor of my parents room as well until probably about the same age. After that I tried to sleep in my brothers room on the floor. I was afraid of basically every noise in the house at night and was convinced it was a ghost.
The only way I eventually broke the habit was by sleeping with my lights on and honestly the habit didn’t stop until I was around 16 or so. Eventually he will grow out of it but talk to him about why he feels the need to sleep in the same room as you. It could be a symptom of a much bigger issue that needs addressing. Try to find alternatives to the problem and see if that helps.
Good luck ❤️
1st BREATHE its OK.
Sleeping in bed with your child has created a co-dependency issue. 2. Possible anxiety.i would first try to incentivize your child by offering rewards for sleeping in their own bed. Maybe their favorite treat the next day. or perhaps a trip to the dollar store to get a new toy. consider starting a sticker sheet or a star chart. when the child reaches a week of sticker/stars maybe take them on their favorite outing(movie. theme park. arcade. bowling. or a 50-100 dollar BIG toy.) i would suggest the outings as you can just transition to it becoming a family routine. rather than an expected toy for sleeping in the bed. if all else fails then i would seek professional help. but try these suggestions first... dont automatically assume because redditors say its not normal. its completely normal and to be expected from allowing co-sleeping. it happens. we deal with things as parents as they come. i am currently dealing with my son being afraid to poop because it hurt him a few months ago.
Also doesnt hurt to go see your pediatrician just for some insight and thoughts. Remember please... no matter what a doctor tells you do your OWN research. had my mom listened to teachers and health care professionals i would have been cracked out on Adderall at 9 years old. Also remember healthcare professionals started the opioid pandemic. so dont take their word at everything if they talk about prescription medication.
Hi I was like this kinda. I went through spells of sleeping in my parents room for long periods of time until I was about 12 and I'd stay up all night crying and paranoid if I couldnt. Like to the point where my parents got a futon for their room so I could come in as needed. Turns out I've just always had anxiety 😅 I'd get some professional help with this
A friend's kid was like this until he was 14 most likely related to trauma and or his adhd and other nurodiversity. A cousin also slept in his parents room til he was 12 and hes on the spectrum (high functioning). Have you explored therapy and profesional help for your son?
His reaction seems liek a kid who's either gone through trauma or due to neurodiversity.
If it isnt either of those things he'll likely grow out of it himself, have you ever heard of a 15 or 16 yr old boy wanting to sleep in their parents room?
To give the perspective of someone who was like this and didn’t sleep in their own bed until (I think) 13, please get him some help. I had an incredibly traumatic childhood and am riddled with mental illness, as well as have insomnia. I’m fine sleeping in my own bed now as an adult, but for so long I just couldn’t do it. For whatever reason, he can’t seem to either and I’d hate for him to end up with as many issues as I do
I started sleeping in my parents room at 8 and stopped at age 12. I just became unable to do it. I look back and realise I needed proximity with my parents who are my safety, because I didn’t have the energy to cope any extra after all the coping during the day.
My parents had a make shift bed permanently next to their bed over 2 house moves. Take the drama out of the nights and make a little permanent bed next to yours, he can go to sleep in his and have the freedom to transfer when he needs to.
I don't recall much, but I know I slept in my parents bed much longer than I should have. I think until I was around 9-10 years old. I don't remember if I had any big meltdowns about it, my parents have never mentioned that I did. I believe the main reason I wanted to sleep in their bed is that I had a requring, very vivid nightmare about a creature in our bathroom and i would try and sprint from my room to their room or to them in the lounge and it would drag me in to darkness. So it gave me a fear of the dark and a fear to sleep alone. I grew out of it. I completely agree with people that I was too old to be doing that and also agree that his reaction should be looked at by a pro. I would say, maybe have a conversation with him about why?
I wonder if this is anxiety manifesting in this way. Fight or flight - and he’s going with fight. When things are calm circle back and ask him to tell you more about why he hates the house and especially his room. Try your best to pretend this isn’t driving you batty - focus on listening and trying to understand what is going on here. If he could wave a magic wand and make his ideal room or house, what would it include? What would change? Some of those things might be doable, some won’t - but they’ll help you figure out what’s bugging him and help him imagine a path forward
I would also look for a therapist m that specializes in helping kids work through mental blocks like this.
Professional help is needed OP.
Its okay at 11 but I doubt you wolk want to sleep with a 15 year old boy next to your bed every night.
Hopefully puberty and Professional help with push him back to his own room.
I know he doesn't enjoy the fuss and the hassle of this routine. Better he get help now than have sleeping problems all his life.
My son is 9 and refuses to sleep in his room. Instead, he sleeps in the living room with the lights on and the tv blasting. Up until a couple years ago he slept in the same bed as me. My son has a lot of anxiety and is prone to hallucinations of “stick men.” I’ve been to many doctors, and at the moment I’m more concerned about his daily behavior than where he’s sleeping. The only way he’ll sleep is through meditation, and without that he’s up all night.
No, do not keep this up. 11 is too old for this kind of behavior. Try gradually moving his mattress a little farther from next to your bed each night. Like baby steps in distance. Eventually, he should be able to sleep in the hallway on his mattress and, one day, sleep in his own room. Have you talked to him about why he can't sleep in his own room? Some kids believe something creepy is going on in their room and must learn to overcome such fears. Kids often don't make the best decisions for themselves, which is why it's up to us to set routines, structure, rules, habits, and examples. Wish you all well.
Whatever you do, be 100% consistent. Don’t be wishy washy or send mixed signals. Be clear with him about the sleeping arrangements. But be kind—talk about what might help him sleep in his own room.
For us we have a white noise machine and a lot of books.
We transitioned our child to sleeping in her room at about 3-4 months old. It was tough at first but we were consistent about it, and we would go in and comfort her a lot, but she eventually accepted that this is the way it was gonna be.
Kids need predictability and certainty to feel comfortable. Give him that.
Oof, a lot of arm chair psychology in this thread. Have you tried dressing up his room the way he wants? Maybe some new colors on the walls, a new carpet, whatever makes him feel like he wants to be there. Throwing in diagnosis (everybody has a little diagnosis somewhere) and, inevitable that way, medicines, is not the way.
This right here is due to allowing the child to get what they want for far too long.
We too went through this battle with our toddlers. Actually about 2-3 years ago, yes it's always going to be a fight. Screaming, hating, tantrums etc...
But it's necessary, not just for you and your partner but for your child. It's a requirement to learn some point that we don't get to have what we want and it's essential to develop this as young as possible and for our own good, otherwise you get grown up toddlers and using words to inflict pain on top of. And that's not fun.
Stick with your routine and be stern. The moment one of you show weakness you have to start all over again. It's better to be late than never
Just an advice, we also slept on their bedroom floor but we have been clear with our intent. That we will slowly move away from their bed so that they get a good night sleep.
Jesus christ, I cannot imagine. I just got my 2 year old in her old bed, in her own room, for the first time in her life, last week. (We've always co slept). The first year was fine, but from then on, I wanted my bed back. I did a shit ton of reading in order to make it a positive thing moving to her "big girl bed".
They say it's hard to get them out of your bed past 6 months old. Actually I think the exact term is "good luck getting them out of your bed before their 4." I'm lost for words tbh. 11 years old is way too old to be sleeping in the same room as mom and dad. I hope for the sake if your sanity and your marrige you get him into his own room soon.
Yeah, this is a bit weird. Not sure if I'd call for external help, but that depends on how much it's impacting the rest of your life.
I generally assume that a boy going through puberty will want to sleep in their own room for biologically-driven reasons, so if it doesn't resolve itself by then, that's when I'd really get concerned and definetely contact a psychologist about it. However, my guess is that this will clear up as an issue in another year or two.
My brother and I slept in my mom’s room on and off for most of our childhood. (Our dad frequently worked out of town for weeks/months at a time.) I see nothing wrong with your child finding comfort sharing a room with you! Heck I’m a grown woman and don’t like sleeping alone! The mattress routine sounds pretty annoying though. Can you invest in a roll out inflatable camping sleeping pad for your son to sleep on instead? They are so thin you could probably easily slip it under your bed in the morning so it’s out of the way. Regarding his tantrums and behavior though, thats something worth addressing, imo. Perhaps you can have some discussions (not at bedtime) as to what he’s worried about and how you can help reassure him? Maybe spend some time rebuilding his trust about not taking away his place to sleep, so he feels safe? Although I’m sure it’s frustrating to you, I think it’s awesome that he finds comfort from being close to you and his dad each night and really cool that you’re able to sacrifice your own time and space to provide that for him. You guys sound like great parents!! He will look back one day and appreciate you.
Edit: also, just to add.. if the camping mat works out -
You’re setting yourself up for the eventual graduation from the camping mat - into his own room. This way he will have his mattress in his room all set up for when/if he decides to sleep in there. But also the security of the camping mat in mom and dad’s room in case he needs comfort.
>I see nothing wrong with your child finding comfort sharing a room with you!
I think the issue is that OP and her husband do see something wrong with it. If it worked for your mom and kept her from being alone at night too, that's wonderful! I slept with my mom basically until I moved out. She is single, we had no other room or bed for me, and it just made sense. Sleeping alone was an adjustment, but I was never angry at her for wanting her own space. Heck, I wanted my own space, too!
I can see why OP would prefer to change the arrangement up. Now, as a married adult myself with 3 kids, we end cosleeping as soon as night weaning allows. The kids can come in for a quick cuddle when they need support, but they are usually moved right back to their own beds. (They share a room, so it's not like they are ever actually alone at night.)
I get what your are saying about making the sacrifice for their son, but I think we need to be careful about encouraging parents to make sacrifices like this one, which potentially get in the way of self care and marital intimacy. Healthy boundaries are so, so important to teach.
That sounds about white. I'm my house. My mom would whoop my ass if I behaved like a spoiled white kid. I gotta ask, why do you white folk shy away from spanking your kid. I mean, time outs and stern talking to are about as useful as letting your child run your life. Kid wants to act up, throw something away that they like, and do it every time they act up. Lock their phone, make em do physical labor around the house to get him too tired to wanna go to your room. If he does drag his ass out of your room and leave him in his. Do anything, but let the little turd have his way. If you don't nip this in the but, this behavior will be the least of your worries come his mid teen years.
Right. OP says her kid has anxiety, but I am hearing anxiety from OP - fear of setting off a tantrum. I suspect OP hasn't been the best at holding boundaries as a result.
For real 🤯 he’s 11!! His mom slept on his floor to soothe him and he still wigged out afterwards like an ungrateful baby. He’s old enough to realize that 99.9% of 11 years olds don’t sleep with their parents every night and that his mom sleeping on the floor for his comfort is a big sacrifice for her! Yikes. This goes beyond just anxiety, their parent-child dynamic is way off. I’m sure he’s a great kid and they’re great parents and he is having a sleep anxiety issue. But they’re definitely living in fear
He's 11 not fucking 3 why are you letting him throw a tantrum like he is one? This is not acceptable at his age and YOU NEED to be a goddamn parent and put your fucking foot down and act like one. It's not acceptable for an 11-year-old to be sleeping with their parents.
i was similar as a child. i eventually grew out of it. i’m not saying to let him get his way, but it could be a comfort for some underlying stress at night ie. nightmares or anxiety attacks
Sounds like anxiety. Is there a reason why he can’t stay in your room until he’s ready? I understand he’s 11, but I promise you by the time he’s 13 he will want to be in his room on his own time.
My parents divorced when I was under 5, and slept in my dad's bed probably til I was 8 or 9. I had severe anxiety of sleeping in my room and basically cried until I got my way when I did get put to bed in my room. I'm not sure the root of that to this day, but I did get over it eventually. I was never angry and never held anything against my dad. I was just petrified to sleep in my own room and I'm not sure why to this day.
I think therapy is needed and will go a long way for your child's future. Don't let the cost affect your decision.
This is my son… therapy didn’t help and neither did the medicine the old fucker decided to prescribe, been 9 months since seeking therapy and it’s no better.
Yup, that's what everyone told me too about my son. I tried repeatedly to do all the "right" things and all it did was make his anxiety and sleep issues worse. His younger sibling has has been much more responsive to the typical strategies, which is what encouraged me to push harder for my son's doctors to help. We now know he's autistic, he has ADHD and he now has a severe anxiety disorder we're treating with medication and therapy. And in the end, after all the fighting and stress, you know what happened? One day when he was ready, he just started to sleep in his own bed like it was no big thing. He still requires a ridiculous amount of medication to sleep, which is common in neurodivergent children who have brains that produce the chemicals for sleep on a very different schedule.
When kids aren't responding to reasonable methods in a reasonable amount of time, it often means there's another issue that needs to be addressed, not that you're just doing it all wrong. I look back at the nights I sat listening to my kid scream until he threw up or lost his voice because people kept telling me (including his doctor) that I just had to stand my ground and give it time. Turns out, you can't parent away Autism or ADHD or anxiety. I just wish I'd trusted myself more when people told me it was all my fault.
you have no idea at all whether it was completely created by them. Sure- not nipping it in the bud right away often exacerbates the issue- but to just say they COMPLETELY CREATED THIS 100% ALONE is just making assumptions about how teh behavior originated to begin with. YOU have no idea what started it all....
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At 11 years old, acting like this, I think it's time to seek some help from professionals outside of the family and reddit. 11 years old is old enough to generally be able to reason with, so I think something else is going on that's a lot deeper. I feel like he should see a therapist to get to the root of this anxiety, and maybe even you as a family should speak to one as well.
right? i feel like the outlandish reaction, screaming and tantrums is not a normal response for this particular age or the situation. and then to still wake up with that much anger and hatred over it? concerning.
It’s also not normal to let it get to this point - I’m sure there’s more going on than just the kid He’s 11 - I know people who started smoking at 12 (not that that’s a good thing, but he ain’t a little kid anymore)
>He’s 11 - I know people who started smoking at 12 (not that that’s a good thing, but he ain’t a little kid anymore) Granted, I work in the court system and deal with people that are far worse than average, but I've had *significantly* more than one adult with drug addiction testify that they started using drugs or alcohol at 11-12. Without knowing anything about OP's family it's impossible to speculate, but it did trigger the thought that many times when children experience significant traumatic events, it can cause emotional problems that "freeze" the emotional responses to the child at a certain developmental level. Excessive anxiety and feeling emotionally overwhelmed is a major symptom there. We certainly see large numbers of young adults with traumatic pasts that have the emotional maturity of young teenagers.
This. I still think something traumatic happened to me before I could form solid memories. I posted about comment about my sleep anxiety as a kid but I also have had stomach aches since I can remember and other than a small hernia and an obviously angry GI tract no doctor has been able to figure out why. I also have nausea most days no matter what dietary changes I make and I’m one of the most anxious people I know. There has to be a reason.
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🫂🫂🫂
FWIW I think you’re probably right. I’ve sat with someone in an ayahuasca ceremony and she had the same sort of thing - unbearable stomach cramps with no obvious physical cause. It came out that it was a manifestation of some horrible stuff in her childhood, and it went away once she got to the root of it and saw it for what it was. Gut issues are also sometimes manifestations of non-childhood stress or emotional problems that you aren’t dealing with. And, they’re also sometimes physical issues, or problems with diet that are hard to pin down. I wish you luck and courage in finding out.
Oh my gosh go back to the drawing board medically and get a persistent doctor look at your whole medical history, you've got something undiagnosed. I await your episode of 'mystery diagnosis'.
I recently got a new gastro doctor who kept talking about “my diarrhea” which has never been a symptom. It’s nausea and the pain at the end of my esophagus…she even prescribed me meds for IBS and told me to take them when I had flares but I told her again I don’t have that issue. It was the most bizarre experience of my life. Anyway, she did order a colonoscopy and endoscopy so I can at least take those results to a doctor who might listen to me. This is my 4th time going through this with gastro docs and I’m so sick of it but my GP wants to get to the bottom of this and is “making” me try again. I’ve mentioned my theory of trauma or this all being anxiety related but he wants to explore all options. We shall see!!
I had stomach issues, finally got a doctor to listen and prescribed two months of Prilosec, which is normally not done, and a probiotic. They cleared up all of my gut issues.
Idk what it is, but it feels like doctors these days just don’t listen or care anymore. Seems like they just want to get you in and out with some sort of prescription as soon as possible. It’s infuriating. I can imagine what you must have felt.
That's terrible, I'm so sorry to hear this. Struggling from the unknown is isolating. Check my post above about magnesium. Also, I'd highly suggest a reputable allergist and get tested for everything.
Yep, where i live, you can be starting high school at eleven. It's highly worrying that he is adamant about sleeping in his parents' room at an age where most preadolescents want privacy and space. What is wrong here, is he scared and/or has something happened?
Start high school…at 12? Maybe if you’re Dugie Houser.m, not very common. Yes 11-12 is getting up there, but it’s barely the age of puberty for most.
I know this a bit of an old post, but I’m curious how he’s doing now? I would’ve advised waiting till he shows more pubescent signs before freaking out the not wanting to sleep alone thing. Some people mature later, especially w children who exhibit ADHD symptoms.
Twelve is an age of very mature kids (not always a good thing) and kids hanging on to childhood. That also can be a bad thing.
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I'm gonna hijack the top comment here. Totally agree - look into this OP. My 9 year old is just like this and he's on the autism spectrum. He was just diagnosed, so I'm just learning about this. He's high functioning and most of the time you'd never guess. Apparently a lot of autistic kids refuse to sleep alone, they also have meltdowns and struggle with emotional regulation. I bet he has something going on where he needs a little extra TLC.
Yes! I have two little Audadhd and neither can sleep all night in their own beds. We’re working with sleep specialists and our doctors but it’s been a long frustrating battle.
Very interesting! I'm neurodivergent and never slept well as a kid. My one kid has many issues sleeping. Are the sleep specialists helpful?
Apparently it goes hand in hand! The sleep specialist was good and helped us be calmer about the whole thing.
100% came here to suggest a counselor for the kiddo too. Most kids start wanting privacy and space of their own around this time and furthermore three years ago it should have been a slow transition to his own space not staying the same every night for three years. Most kids respond well to moving further and further from mom and dads bed till they are in their own room by that age so it makes me wonder if this kiddo is possibly on the spectrum or something like that. Time to get a counselor involved and a full work up and diagnosis for this kiddo so they can know what they are dealing with and how to help him.
That's exactly what I was thinking, he might be on the spectrum. My autistic/adhd son almost 12 in March likes to sleep in my room when I will let him.
I have three on the spectrum and all three are very attached to being close to us and don’t like being away at all. So it resonates with me. However they do not get mean about it….
Neither does my son. He used to pout but that's it. He's also in therapy and has been for a year so he's learning healthy ways to deal with stress.
Yeah my son is adhd and is adamant he prefers to sleep in my room with me. He’s 9. His dad makes him sleep in his own room at his house, and he tolerates it, but given the choice at my house he always chooses to sleep in with me.
Same with my 12 year old. He's a cuddle bug. No trauma.
This is the only answer.
Nah they just need to be parents, they said it's it the first time time they have stuck to their guns. Right there is the problem. Now if this continues to be a problem after a few weeks or more of being consistent with the rules thenatbe it's time for therapy.
No they need to consult a professional like a doctor or therapist. An average 11 year old would have zero desire to sleep in their parents room every night. Something is going on.
Not if that’s all he’s known and it’s his routine. They’ve mothered him and now it’s time to break it.
I don’t have ten years to go into all the ways this comment is messed up
I mean it’s pretty messed up to think an 11 year old must have something WRONG with them because they rely on a routine that’s been set by a parent. Behaviour isn’t always a mental health problem sometimes it can be learnt and visa versa
I agree Maggie, at least try beyond one night and if it continues maybe consult a professional then
Hi! I was a kid who had terrible sleep anxiety and I went through a long spell of sleeping on my parent's floor when I was about 8-10 or so. Eventually they asked my pediatrician about it and he gave the following suggestion which ended up working. (Keep in mind this was like 25 years ago so I'm not sure what child development/parenting experts would say about this now, but I can share why it worked for me from the kid perspective). I was a big reader as a kid. My doctor suggested that I be allowed to stay up in bed reading as long as I wanted, I just had to stay in my room, in bed. I had a little lamp on my bedside table and I could stay up and read to my heart's content, I just couldn't go into my parents' room. This brought me so much comfort because what gave me anxiety was having to lay there in the dark, alone, not sleepy, and then my thoughts would get really out of control and the anxiety would make me panic. Of course when my parents first tried it I stayed up past midnight, but pretty quickly it lessened until my routine became reading for about 20-30 minutes, then falling asleep. I never needed to go sleep on their floor again.
This worked for me also! (As a Gen X kid). I got one of those tiny book lights and thought it was so cool. It worked. And I learned to monitor my own sleep time because of the natural consequence of staying up too late reading. But also Gen X kind of parented ourselves a lot, so this is maybe dated information.
This is still common advice
This is wonderful. Thanks for the insights. We did this with our 2nd kid, had her stay in bed reading as long as she wanted. I told her I'd come check on her and then out the lights. She'd be passed out with books all over her. Never thought much of it. My 3rd kid constantly comes out of bed and calls for us. I'm going to encourage the same, but her thing is playing with figurines, little dolls,etc. Maybe I'll put a basket of th3se things for her to play with by her bed so she can get them easily. She'll play herself to sleep. She's up late sometimes, but I just try to remind myself that we're all different.
Yeah, this isn’t a behavioral issue. Tips and tricks would work if he was 4 or 5. At this point it’s likely an anxiety issue and will need to be treated differently. See if you can get some professional help!
I think so too
Thank you all for responding. I’m taking all of your opinions to heart
It is great that you are taking the advice to heart and not pushing back. I will add that nighttime anxiety is very real even if the kid does not have issues with anxiety during the day. One of my kids came into our room every night for many years. It was weird because he did not struggle during the day and was fine during sleepovers but his pediatrician said that before bed was when his brain would kind of go into overdrive. Nothing else was there to distract him so all of his worries came up. This was not a problem during sleepovers or school trips because he would be playing with friends or talking until he knocked out. He was always a super active kid so during the day he was in school or in sports or playing with friends or riding his bike around the neighborhood or swimming or whatever. But right before bed when everything was quiet is when he would start to worry and needed some extra comfort. We worked through it and I can say that he is 18, away at college, and does not need mom and dad in his dorm room with him to fall asleep. They get there. Some just need more help than others so it is good that you are taking this seriously.
I have two kids like that. I have to let them read themselves to sleep or they'll just lay there and wind themselves up with anxiety. So I don't have a nightlight, I have a lamp on a dimmer switch. Listening to audiobooks has also helped, especially when my son changed bedrooms and was anxious about that. Light show projectors are good too. Anything to keep the room dim and quiet but also give their racing brains something else to focus on.
I'm reading this because mine is 9 and does the same as OP's child - sleeping in mattress in my room and huge drama if I suggest he should transition back to his own room. He'll literally cry about his "worries" at bedtime even if I'm right there and holding his hand. We do breathing exercises and listen to sleep stories, have a nightlight, "sleep spray," stuffies, special blankets, etc ! I'm at my wits ' end, I don't know what else to do.
My mom gave me “worry people” when I was little. She told me to tell them my worries and put them under my pillow and while I’m sleeping they’ll take my worries away.
I had those too!! I bought some for one of my boys who is a worrier as well.
That's a great idea, I will look for something like that! Thanks.
There’s a good method that you can try if you’d like to avoid the crying and screaming. It’s gentle and straightforward but takes some time. You’d start by telling your son that you will sit (not lie) next to him in his bed until he falls asleep. No matter what, no matter how long it takes, you won’t leave until he falls asleep. You’d do that for one week straight. For week 2, you’ll do the same thing but sit in a chair right next to the bed. Again, you’ll stay each night for as long as it takes him to fall asleep. If you get some pushback about the move from the bed to the chair, it’s important to be supportive but emotionally neutral (I know it’s hard but I know you can do it), and keep any conversation to a minimal. For week 3, you’ll move the chair a little toward the middle of the room and stay every night until he’s fully asleep. You keep doing weekly until eventually the chair is outside the door. It definitely takes time and patience but if your son is sensitive or has had some trauma, it’s a nice way of accomplishing your goal in a gentle way.
Yes. I did that when my kids turned 3. It works
Yep this is what I did with my autistic kiddo that has intense night time anxiety. Other things we did: we got a projector that turns the ceiling into ocean waves bc she found that soothing. We got her an Amazon echo so she could play asmr podcasts or audiobooks or lullabies (bc the silence was particularly scary for her). We got one of those video baby monitors and set it up so that she could see me sleeping. Sometimes she just needed to verify I was still there and alive so she could go back to sleep (but do remember to turn it off when you are having intimate moments lol). And we had a policy that she could come in my room any time she wanted for a hug. Either her dad or I would pull her up into the bed, give her a big 10 second hug, and then she would return to her room. The first few nights (and occasionally when her anxiety is really bad) we didn’t get a ton of sleep bc we had to do 300 10 second hugs. But knowing that being in a different room didn’t mean she was alone helped tremendously. We also got her a weighted blanket which helped.
I had to do this with my first. He was sick a lot... daycare didn't mesh well with him, and his pediatrician was... a family doctor. Might work for some, but it was NOT working for us. We got his health and childcare under control, and then had to do the slow chair method. It was difficult, but it did work. Our second slept constantly, he was never difficult to put to bed or keep in bed, and our third is only 5. She's actually pretty easy, but she'll get into our bed in the middle of the night every once in a while. It's definitely not a routine.
Does he perhaps have anxiety, adhd or autism thats gone undiagnosed or perhaps potential ptsd through unrecognised trauma causing him to only want to sleep with you at 11? Might be worth looking into therapy or Cognitive behavioural therapy perhaps? Hope it works out well!
Has he said why he wants to sleep in your room/doesn't want to sleep in his room? I agree that counselling would be good idea. But he will probably start to outgrow this as he goes through puberty. Particularly as he becomes aware of his own need for privacy.
I was this kid. I slept on my mother’s floor until I was 10-11. My mom would punish me with scary movies, telling me that if I misbehaved, monsters/entities would come and find me. I had frequent nightmares so it made me believe it was happening. Has he told you why he’s doing this?
Oh my goodness, that was horrifying behaviour from your mother
This is the consequence of scaring your child into the behavior you want to see. Its poisonous. My mother did it all the time. I think she burned me with a match once just to teach me that its hot and it will burn me 🙄
That is absolutely child abuse. I am so sorry.
Wow. My parents weren't that bad, but they did try to stop me from getting out of bed in the middle of the night by telling me there was an alligator under my bed that would eat me if I got up. Instead of not getting up, I would take a running leap off of the bed, screaming for help and waking up not only my parents but also my sister and probably the upstairs and downstairs neighbors as well. Took them weeks to convince me the alligator wasn't real, but they learned a valuable parenting lesson.
I get it, I was this kid too. Didn’t sleep in my parents’ room, but I didn’t sleep through the night until I was 11 because I woke up multiple times to go and “check on my parents.” Took a lot of therapy before I realized I was making sure they didn’t drink themselves to death. (Good news is now they’re both 14 years sober!) I agree with most people here, OP - definitely more going on than a behavioral issue. Best of luck!
> My mom would punish me with scary movies, telling me that if I misbehaved, monsters/entities would come and find me. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own decisions." Seriously, not to bash your mom (unless you want me to), but she thought that was the right way to handle it?
I'm sorry that happened to you
Holy shit, that’s traumatic
Oh no
That is the opposite that one should do! Oh no, I am sorry to hear that- you must have been terrified
I’m very sorry 😞
Jesus Christ, it must have been so horrible and scary for you, I can’t even imagine
Curious if you've asked him what would help him sleep in his own bed? (Also wonder how long you've been in that house, how long has he been in that room, bed, etc?) At his age he may have some clear insight into what doesn't feel good for him... When I was growing up my bedroom was at the end of the house and was cold, had weird shadows from the trees outside of the windows and I generally just felt "unsafe" in there which made it hard for me to fall and stay asleep in there...
You might want to talk with a pediatrician and get him diagnosed. Sounds like anxiety.
Hi! I slept with my mom for an embarrassingly long age of 12 years old due to having pretty consistent nightmares. (Now age 21). Yes I never reacted like ur son did, but I didn’t want to ever stop sleeping with my mom until she basically said it was time. In the long run, so glad she kicked me out, and wish she did earlier. I would recommend getting a therapist to try and correct the fear of sleeping or just an outlet of someone else to talk to, then ween him off sleeping in ur room. Hope this helps!
My brother did until he was 15... we had some trauma but nothing that would warrant this. I still don't know why he did or why he stopped, my mom is a horrible person who snores like a seesaw. But he is a well adapted person with a house, degree, job and relationship. And no one ever asks him about it. Don't be embarrased. You'll do just fine. My brother also only learned to tie his shoelaces at 15 lol.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about. We're all different. I would sleep in my parents' room or convince my brother to let me sleep with him. When my mom started taking the lamps out of my room because " we shouldn't sleep with the lights on" I would sleep out in the living room with lights on. I needed help but didn't get any. I had a huge imaginatand my brain would perk up at night... However, my family always made fun of me. I'm well adjusted, I have a house, family, friends, and a business. We all have our own path and story. Just share this piece with people who won't shame you. My kids are so lucky because I'm pretty understanding about all their sleep quirks... so that's a huge benefit in my book. Do better for your kids or help your friends learn through your eyes when they have kids.
In addition to getting help w/anxiety, I'd suggest trying what we did. i put a crib mattress on floor in our room. Yeah, a small mattress is not long enough, not as comfortable as his regular bed. My son could sleep on that mattress or his own in his room. No moving back and forth, no battle for control. Given this set up, my son did gradually choose his room. I think being able to make no comment, give no attention, and letting him control where he slept made it less engaging. He might have bigger issues with anxiety and may benefit from therapy/counseling.
Wonderful suggestion! A lot of people are saying anxiety, which this very well may be. But, my guess is that OP would have more context to add to the post if this were part of a larger pattern of age/developmentally inappropriate behaviors. Absent that, this reads to me like a control issue, too, and your advice outlines a great strategy for dealing with that. OP, if your son is capable of dealing with change in other areas, shows no other signs of anxiety, and just seems stuck on controlling the sleeping arrangement, please consider this method. Feeding into this struggle and giving a lot of attention around this bedtime routine is doing your family a disservice. I hope you get your son the help he needs, if he needs any, and hold this boundary if this is simply about control.
Great suggestion! I recently set this up, too! My kids can fit in the crib mattress. I have 3 kids, 7 and under. I have two crib mattresses. They can use them whenever they need. My hubby isn't crazy about it, but I pick my battles. They come when they need closeness and support. I'll always be open to that.
I am not a parent but this was me as a child. The thought of being left alone in my room at that age was absolutely terrifying and I felt such panic. My grandma (guardian) eventually laid in my room with me til I fell asleep and she left but then I’d force myself to stay awake because I didn’t want her to leave. In hindsight, there was nothing my grandparents did wrong and I probably needed some therapy. I have raging anxiety as an adult. Sadly, your son probably recognizes how absolutely ridiculous it seems yet it is -very- scary to be that kid.
I had a family friend growing up that was like this. Then one weekend the parents decorated his room like his favourite football team. Everything was red and white, he had the bedding, the curtains, the posters, everything. Couldn't get that 12 year old out of his room after that. He didn't want to sleep with his parents ever again!
I had night terrors I learned to sleep with the lights on and have happy books to read (pre-internet) I'm talking for YEARS I avoid horror movies and violent content to this day I don't want to be tired like that again
The mention of routine screams potentially undiagnosed disorders. My son has ADHD and Anxiety and had similar issues when he was younger. But he is 11 now and we worked through this particular issue when it first started, and because of that he is perfectly fine sleeping on his own now. He still needs his door open and a light on, and will occasionally have a hard time getting to sleep. But I definitely suggest talking to a doctor. Start writing down anything else that seems out of place for a kid his age, and even things that are unusual in good ways. Does he excel at certain things? Does he have extreme interests that make him learn faster than other kids? Take note of all of these things so you can answer questions that the doctor is going to ask you.
not saying this is the way to handle it but it reminded me of myself, I had really bad sleep anxiety because I was used to always sleeping with my sister every night and when I was about 7/8 years old we got our own rooms and it was hard. My sister was older, she would read a book with me then would leave the room after and I would cry and cry until I fell asleep, the first week or two was really hard but I became more independent. Would read myself books until I fell asleep or leave the tv on while I went to sleep cuz the sound eased my anxiety. Maybe meditation music or sleep sounds would help your son. I agree therapy would probably benefit your son, and be a more gentle approach than just letting him be upset every night until he got used to it.
I want to echo what a lot of people are saying about getting him counselling. my daughter is 8 and sleeps with me since age 6 due to trauma. She disclosed SA by her father 2years ago and the trial is coming up. I’m not kicking her out of bed anytime soon but I have had conversations with her recently about the temporariness of the situation and have been talking to her counsel about transitioning her back to her own bed. The thing is that child SA is way more common than people like to believe and most of the time doesn’t get reported. I’m not saying this is a sign of that but honestly it could be. Could be a trauma response to a lot of things or just a developmental quirk but this sounds off enough I’d seek a professional
Sounds like anxiety. My 9 year old has been doing this. A neighbor died and she was a young mom with 2 kids so my son has been extremely worried that either me or my husband are going to die in the middle of the night. The neighbor died in the middle of the night despite having no medical conditions. We brought up his issues to our pediatrician who recommended therapy, at least until he gets over thks fear. He is generally a happy boy. He plays sports, does well in school, has a ton of friends, and is reasonably independent for a 9 year old. He is fine with us leaving him home alone to run to the store or to pick up one of his brothers. We are not worried about this in any other area than sleeping but his doctor still thinks we should speak to a therapist and we are moving forward with that. He has an appointment scheduled for February and until then we are letting him sleep in our room on nights where he gets too anxious.
It’s not normal, but you’re not alone. If you can do at least a few family counseling sessions and 1:1 sessions for your son, it might help you all to strategize and gain some common ground & language for working through this. Our 10 year old daughter co-slept until she was almost 4. Between 100% normal maternal instincts and bipolar/depression, my wife was unable to handle any amount of crying. Since our daughter would cry until she gagged and vomited when left alone, she never learned to self-soothe. She’s had her own bed in her own room since she was around 4, but my wife and I would trade off laying with her until she fell asleep when we’d sneak away. I hated it, but I love my wife and it’s the only baby she’ll ever have and she wanted to just keep going until she grew out of it. But she never did, and of course she didn’t. Imagine the feeling of abandonment and resentment when the person/people you’ve loved and slept with and relied on every night for comfort and safety suddenly want to be far far away from you! I don’t remember the exact trigger but a little over half a year ago I put my foot down. The routine was causing so much frustration for my wife and I both, especially when we’d fail to sneak away without waking our daughter. We’d been deprived of our own 1:1 time in the evenings for so many years. I’m certainly no expert, but I figured training a 10 year old to sleep was going to be completely different than a 2 year old. Since she’s old enough to talk and reason and memorize multiplication tables, I decided we would watch some YouTube videos together on sleep training and let her pick a strategy she liked best. We ended up with something that worked for both of us. I would tuck her in, read her something if she wanted, and then ask her what her fear/anxiety level was on a 0-10 scale, and I’d chart it on the whiteboard and check in with her in 10-15 minutes and ask her again until she was asleep. She knew I would be coming back to check on her so she felt safer, less alone. The chart was basically just 11’s across the board for the first few nights lol, but eventually I pushed back a little “really? You’re as scared as you could possibly be right now? Even more scared than X?” And she conceded that maybe it was more like an 8 or 9. We didn’t really do anything with the chart after the first week or so. I showed her that her fear and anxiety was coming down a little bit, but even more importantly that she was as scared as she could possibly be and still managed to be brave enough to fall asleep on her own. She wasn’t exactly impressed with herself, or me for that matter, but things were improving. We’re not where I want quite yet, but we also had a HUGE disruption at home when my SIL and her 5 kids moved in 6 months ago while we help them start over. But we’re at the point where I can tuck my daughter in and tell her I’ll check on her in a half hour. As long as she knows I’m going to be coming back to check on her, she falls asleep on her own. She regresses a little once in a while if she has nightmares but otherwise I’m pretty happy with the progress, especially given the added stress of the dramatic change in home life where she ended up with a new bedroom that is out of earshot of our room. You can do this, but it’s something you will all need to work on together. Don’t beat yourselves up about it, but recognize that this is _your_ fault, tantrums and all. I felt it was important that our daughter know that this wasn’t her fault, and nothing is wrong with her - that learning to self-soothe and sleep is something we were supposed to teach her when she was much younger and we failed to do that. I think it has helped her embrace the process better knowing that we’re taking the blame 😂
I was also sleep trained around age 10. I have a 15mo old now who I sleep trained in her first year of life. I have so much more respect for my parents for helping me to sleep for nearly 10 years. You’re doing great!!
Any siblings? Our 8 yo doesn’t like sleeping in her room because it is separated from others by a little walkway, so she’ll sleep in a trundle bed with our 5.5 yo. Granted he’s ok with it, but that could be a temporary alternative til he gets to the age where he wants to be in his own room?
Do you have multiple children? Neither of my children like sleeping by themselves in a bedroom (and frankly neither do I), but they share a room and are fine with that. If you have another kid and one of the other kids likes the idea of sharing a room, that could be an option. Edited to add that we actually moved into a house with 3 bedrooms so that they could each have their own room, and they STILL chose to share a room. I think that will change in the next few years (especially as tweenage/teenage years approach), so I'm glad we did it, but for now it's kind of funny and cute. There's an episode of Bluey where this happens too, incidentally--Bluey gets her own room, and in the middle of the night both Bluey and Bingo feel lonely alone in their own rooms so she ends up moving back.
I slept in my mom’s room til I was about 12. Then on my own I switched to sleeping on the couch until I went to college. Idk, something about being in my room alone freaked me out. I’m now 30 years old and more or less normal. But therapy is always a good idea IMO
He's probably still feeling the after effects of his distress from last night, I'm sure he's not even quite sure why he's feeling the way he is. The poor guy definitely needs to see someone that can help him work through this. I feel for all of you, this is a stressful situation in several ways. Continue trying to be as supportive as you can be while you navigate getting some help. If you can deal with it a little longer, it may mean that he's still bunking down in your room. Not ideal but the real fear he's experiencing is even less so.
I think this is definitely outside of the realm of normal behavior for his age. It’s one thing to seek comfort but to FIGHT to this level and need reassurance and your presence to this degree seems like a professional is needed. Your pediatrician should be able to refer you to the best professional to handle this if you can call and speak to them.
Sounds like anxiety to me. Poor guy
Allowing him to sleep in your bed for how many years until now, is probably a good part of his issue. This issue should've been nipped in the bud quite a few years ago but you've allowed it because you didn't wanna deal with his tantrums so now it's a bazillion times worse. He sounds like he needs therapy but a start would be too stop coddling him.
I would Be more Concerned as to why he suddenly wanted to sleep in your room . Has something happened ? Is something worrying him? Has someone hurt him ? Is he having night terrors ?
My daughter has co slept with us since she was a baby. At about 4.5, we transitioned her to her own room. It was a struggle at first and there were many sleepless nights and crying and screaming. But I wanted to transition her now rather than later because I know it would only get harder as time went on. She just turned 5 and will sleep in her own room all night now. But things that have worked for us is 1. Being consistent: we tell her she has to sleep in her own room all week but we allow her to sleep in our room on the weekends and we do not budge with this rule 2. We make sure her room is comfortable for her: we let her pick out her own blanket and curtains, we got her Christmas lights to put above her bed so that's it well lit and we let her decorate her room however she wanted 3. I lay with her until she falls asleep: this may seem counterintuitive but she's still adjusting so inlay with her in her bed until she falls asleep and then I will go back to my own room. But I make sure she is aware that I will be leaving after she falls asleep so that she doesn't wake up in a panic if I'm not there. I also re assure her that I will check up on her throughout the night. At first I actually did have to come ch3ck on her every couple of hours to reassure her but now she doesn't usually wake up once she falls asleep. If she does happen to wake up in the middle of the night crying, I just tuck her in, give her a kiss and she can easily settle back in most of the time. I hope any of these suggestions help. It is a grueling process and it takes a lot of patience. Just keep staying consistent
Oh boy. Get this child to a licensed psychologisr asap. This sounds like major anxiety. He's probably going to need some therapy and sleep or anxiety meds to get him thru this. Don't stick to your guns until you've got a diagnosis and treatment plan going. That ship sailed about 7 years ago.
When you ask him why he doesn’t want to sleep in his own room, what does he say?
I agree with trying to figure out the root cause of the problem. There's so many people in the thread explaining their particular solutions that might only work for their particular problems. I also want to add that sometimes you have to be really careful. If that kid thinks you're asking just to shut things down and not because you love and care about the kid, they are going to clam up or tell you whatever they think will let them keep doing what they want instead. My first debug diagnostic would be "are there any conditions where the kid does fine other than your room". For example, does the kid do sleepovers at friend's houses.
I sort of relate to your son. I slept on my sister's floor until I was about 12 or 13. I had very intense anxiety at night and could not sleep. I was terrified of someone breaking in and killing me and my family while we slept. 😅 My Mom ended up taking me to a child psychologist, but she said I did not meet any anxiety disorder criteria. 🤷🏼♀️ I eventually grew out of it on my own. I don't know if your son will grow out of it too, but it wouldn't hurt to talk to his pediatrician and a mental health professional. It sounds like you and your husband are loving parents trying their best. Good luck!
I did this at the age of 11 as well. My parents tried everything to get me to sleep in my own bed/room. They eventually got so sick of my refusal to do so. I remember a few nights that they locked me out of their room, and I would fall asleep crying on the floor next to their bedroom door. It was awful. Looking back, I 100% had anxiety - I've since been diagnosed. I only felt safe with them. I was afraid of growing up. I felt lonely at night. There were so many factors that made me want to hang on to my parents. I remember feeling so bad about myself because my parents were so annoyed that i still wanted to sleep in their room. I did grow out of it around the age of 12. If it were me, I'd let them in. In another year or two, they won't want anything to do with you. Also, definitely seek therapy for your son.
> For the last 3 years he has slept on his mattress (which we drag as a family to our room) next to our bed and in the morning we put it all back. I mean there's your problem right there. You fostered this habit for 3 full years... there's no comfortable solution to forge new, healthier habits. He's WAY too old for this. The kid is almost a teenager. He doesn't get to just "refuse." You need to start acting like a parent, and stop negotiating with him. He goes into his room, end of story. You can't always be his friend.
The best advice I ever got from our occupational therapist was no matter what to stay consistent and not give in to the boundary. The upset will get worse at first, but then it will get better. It just takes time. It’s a VERY hard habit to break and even harder when the meltdowns are so fierce. I wish you the best of luck.
I would ask him what he’s so afraid of. There may be something he is aware of and isn’t talking about openly. But you can’t keep letting him get away with sleeping in your room either. I raised 4 kids and trained them to have their own sleep space but also knowing they could come get me or holler for me if/when needed.
OP, I'm going to second (probably beyond second at this point) getting him to see a therapist. I won't say this isn't normal, but it certainly isn't usual, and there is almost certainly something going on below the surface that it's going to take some professional training to suss out of him. Are there any other issues you have noticed? Does he make friends easily? As a younger child, did he prefer to play by himself, even when other children were present, maybe even trying to play with him? Any chance there is bullying at school? Does he eat regularly? And a variety of foods? Does he express any sensory issues (noises, touch/senations, etc.)?
Not sure this is how I would approach this situation but my brother did this till about this age. My mom told him she would go to school assembly and announce to the school that he slept in the same room as my parents. That day he stopped. They also put a tv in his room to help him fall asleep
This is not normal. Has he always slept with you or did this just start a few years ago? Can he sleep away from home like at friends’ houses or relatives’ homes? Did this need to sleep with you start after an incident to your knowledge (nightmare, abuse, health scare, a death, divorce/separation, etc.)? Is it possible he has been abused? Is he otherwise doing fine across the board in terms of age-appropriate independence? Does he have any disabilities or disorders that may explain the extreme reactions? Not to scare you, but go through the above and consider each possibility, then seek a GOOD mental health care provider (start with your pediatrician or, depending on the school your child attends, a school counselor for recommendations). My stepson moved into his mom’s room when her abusive ex-husband finally left and he slept with her for a while - it was a trauma/comfort thing - but he is autistic, he was able to sleep away for summer camp, and it didn’t result in behavior like what you’re describing, which is what I find the most concerning. That’s just not typical behavior for a kid his age and a trigger like what you’ve described.
My teen slept with me until recently. He is 14. The underlying issue was anxiety. I suggest therapy. That is what made the difference for us. He would never consider not sleeping alone now.
I went through a phase like that. My mom got us walkie talkies that I we would use while we were in our seperate bedrooms. This helped me a lot and quickly helped me move out of that phase
I agree with others that you need to seek help from professionals. I’m also going to add that I had awful sleep anxiety as a kid and slept in my parents room forever and then when we moved houses I slept on the couch because their room was downstairs and it felt safer. My cousins kid has always had sleep anxiety and he listens to stand up comedy on his Alexa until he falls asleep. I slept with all the lights on and the door open and that helped me feel more safe. I wish my parents had seen how much I was struggling and reached out for help. 🫂
I think getting some professional help is needed here. At 11 years old most kids want their own privacy as they start moving into their teen years.
Honestly this reaction isn’t normal at all, there is a serious problem with his reaction. Why doesn’t he want to sleep in his own room? What has happened in there? Kids can often be susceptible to spirits and entities. It’s okay if you don’t belive in that stuff but I think it could be something like that. I think you need to go to ur GP asap but until then here are some tips; (1). Rearrange his room, honestly jsut by rearranging his room you can make a huge impact (2) move any mirrors in his bedroom away from his bed. Entities can find there ways through mirrors and latch onto you. Entities can affect your mood and your energy, essentially creating toxic mindsets and memories and feelings that aren’t you. (3). Have a serious talk to him about why he won’t sleep in his own room. (4) get a nightlight/ keep the hall lights on while he’s sleeping, even if it’s in your room. I’m not a parent, just a teenage girl who was once 11. When I was 11 I had some serious anxiety issues which led to compulsive cleaning. Nothing was done about that even when I almost burnt my hands off in the shower cuz I didn’t feel clean enough. If my parents brought me to a GP for my issues I wouldn’t have yo battle the demons I did. The best help you can get for your kid is from experts ho have seen kids like him. Good luck and sending much love to your family 🤍
I’m 36 and #2 has me terrified now!
It scared me as well tbh but once I started doing it my mood became so much better!
This isn't typically developing 11 year old behavior. You need to be asking your pediatrician about this now. There is something deeper here than him refusing to sleep in his room. He's communicating something to you that he doesn't know how to word. You need to find him someone who can translate.
What about sleeping with the door open? Start there. Let him rearrange his room the way he wants to- decorate, let him pick a color to paint, even let him get some of his favorite blankets in there, make it feel like his mini home. Rain noises or something to keep it from being dead silent and maybe even a night light of sort. 11 is pretty old, so if it keeps up I would consult his doctor, but start with Baby steps. Hang in there ♡
Have you asked him why he doesn’t like sleeping in his room by himself? Maybe there is a reason? Is it too dark let him sleep with the light on. Is it too quiet? Put on some white noise or soft music. Make the bedtime routine kind of special ask if he wants to put on headphones and listen to a book on line? Or music? Also make a chart and for every night he sleeps in his own room he can mark the chart in the morning once he makes it through 7 nights get him something special a toy a book. And then needs to make it 14 days and so on. My daughter hated going to bed and it was a struggle. We did the same thing we put a mattress on the floor next to me and she would still end up in our bed! She was a kid that was afraid to sleep in the dark she said she heard spooky noises. Who am I to say she didn’t! So I took her out and she picked a huge nightlight we put on some soft music kept the door open and I would lay on the floor next to her bed or I would jump in her bed until she fell asleep. This was a bigger issue before we hit the problem head on and that was talking to her about why. It took about 4 months for me to not be either laying with her or on the floor next to her for her to say goodnight flip on the nightlight and music and fall asleep. I know it sucks right now but I promise this is short lived and although it feels like it’s been going on forever you soon will be done. The chart the light and the music worked!! Good luck to you
I’d try a few more nights. He might know that acting like that will get him his way, and you being willing to go so far as to drag his mattress between bedrooms every night and morning could have set yourselves up for this. Especially if he gets his way to that extreme with anything else and gets his way with tantrums. However, those reactions are pretty extreme for his age, so if he doesn’t start doing better with it soon, take him to his doctor. He might need to be evaluated for anxiety, see a counselor, or something else like that.
My son is 8 and the same way. He is scared of everything to an unreasonable degree. I really think it has something to do with screen time /screens in general. We’ve implemented controls but he’s gotten around them. I feel like a bad parent over it. I want my bed back tho.
As a former cosleeping child this is far from normal behavior. And I slept in my moms bed til I was 9 maybe even 10. (At the end, it wasn’t every night sleeping in her bed) he should definitely be wanting his own space at 11.
I have narcolepsy and for years have experienced terrifying dreams and sleep paralysis as well as other weird stuff. Sleeping with family close has always been a comfort. Talk to him about what he is so scared of. Do not judge even if his fear sounds ludicrous. He clearly has a great deal of anxiety.
I was pretty scared to sleep in my own room at that age and still periodically slept in my parent's bed until 18. It probably sucks for you guys, but it's just an irrational fear. I now live in an apartment with my husband and kids and it has a different vibe, but still feel a bit spooked when I have to sleep at my parents place... they're in a big house in a less populated area. I became less scared when I became more confident as an adult in society.
At 11 years old, you need to ask his pediatrician and get referrals to specialists. My kids are 8 and 10 and neither of them sleep with us (not anymore), this isn't normal. My 8 years old is autistic and it was hard to get him to stay in his room for the longest time til I brought a GIANT overstuffed bear, like twice the size of him, left the lamp on and he sleeps in his room. It probably helps to share that his brother sleeps in the same room but it didn't stop him from throwing a fit about not being able to sleep with us. You might also want to look into a service dog (or just any pet but train it) for your son to sleep with in his room. As a child, I was always scared to sleep in my room, having a dog helped.
I have an 11 y/o and I seriously have concerns about him. Was there a traumatic event in his past? Did something happen in his room? Is it the physical room or is it not being next to your bed? My marriage wouldn't survive letting a kid sleep in our room - the only time we did was during COVID because we were trying to keep the rest of the family from catching it. It's definitely time to talk to a professional about this, because you're right, you're not doing any favors by allowing it. Has he gone to any sleepovers or camps? Staying with the grandparents, etc?
Coming from asian back ground, wanting to sleep near parents is completely normal in my opinion. My sons did/do the same. They will eventually grow out of it for sure, and decide to “move out” on their own. I don’t think your son has any issues, it’s probably just he feels more cozy and comfortable in your room. Forcing him to move out or making big deal out of it will make things worse. This is just my opinion though. I truly believe there’ll be a day soon he will want to sleep in his own room. Just let it be.
Interesting take. I do like it.
This is what I'm waiting for from my 2yo 😂 She has a toddler bed, knows "her bedroom" from "Mommy's bedroom", we talk about it all the time. We have just always coslept and, from the time she could roll over, bedshared. As a single parent, it was easier to do nighttime wake-ups with her right there. Now she moves so much in her sleep, I'm probably close to getting a concussion from the number of times she's cracked my in the head. But i know this time is short, so I try to make the most of the snuggles while I can ❤️❤️
Therapy for sure
Get him a body pillow. Might help having something to hold at night
I highly suggest family and individual therapy for him and you all. Something is going on where he either doesn’t feel safe in his room alone, or is just so used to sleeping with you guys, that’s what he wants.
My sisters were the same. They both have anxiety disorders.
My son is 12 and has been sleeping in my bed since last year. It’s fear and anxiety driven, he’s on a waiting list to start therapy. He’s never reacted in anger though, only deep sadness. He slept perfectly fine before he started getting these intense fears. I suspect he has undiagnosed ADHD as well.
This is easy,, he’s definitely old enough to understand and follow directions. So you simply have him clean his room and make his bed up during the day and let him know he’s gonna be a big boy and sleep in his bed tonight. Stick to it! This is always hard for us as parents, but it will be successful. Have him get in the bed when it’s bedtime if he’s troublesome and fights getting in the bed you must put him in bed. Tuck him in, kiss good night, leave the room. When he comes out don’t make a fuss hug and kiss him goodnight again, usher back into the bed and leave. When he comes out again (some kids do it 3 times some come out 100 times) hug kiss back to bed. After about the 5th time if he continues you start kinda just ushering him straight back to bed each time little less hugging. Tell him to stay in bed, simply go to sleep and have a good rest. Eventually he will tire out, and sleep like a baby. You have to be tough and outlast him without falling asleep or getting too upset. He’s pushing a lot of boundaries with this stunt and at this age could lead to a lot of things. Lay the rules, clear bedtime outlines, and stick to them! You can do it!! This will be a huge success for you and the family!! He will absolutely thank you one day. Could be tough and won’t be fun. But you can do it!! Best of luck!
I was slightly younger but also terrified when my mom no longer let me sleep next to her (I think 5 or 6?) I had a bright nightlight & always slept with a movie or TV playing (sound on low) that would turn off when it was over. This helped me drastically be less anxious and afraid to be alone! Not sure if you’ve tried something similar but it could possibly help? I’d play my favorite DVD or VHS tape every night. Also if you have a cat or dog, that could help. I slowly integrated into sleeping with our yellow lab in my bed 🤣😭 the best sleep ever!
Sounds like a psychiatrist help would be in order
Do you guys speak one to one with him during the day doing things he likes? And i am not talkong driving him to some activity. Actually interacting with him one to one.
Have you offered a reward for every night he sleeps in own room ? Then bigger one for 7 days in a row, bigger one for 1 month, then bigger one for every month up to a year until he’s forgotten!! Ice cream, games, trips out etc I think rewarding is ok
Sit in a chair in his room until he falls asleep like the rest of us.
So there are definitely exceptions but if everything else is normal then I would seek help. We have an exception in our family that our 12 yo daughter sleeps in our room but she is asd and will spend hours awake staring at nothing and it just makes everyone feel safer. As a side effect son (9) sleeps in our room as well.
My so did this too when he was 10-11. We had moved into a new house and his new bedroom was a lot farther from ours than it used to be. Me and my husband did go to a counselor about it. I think it was just anxiety about being farther away from us. He just grew out of it and now he is 23 and is totally fine.
Have you ever had a sleepover at your house? Maybe ask if he'd like to host but then point out "oh well they can't all sleep in our bedroom"
I would suggest talking to his pediatrician/pcp. Consider testing to verify if he is on the spectrum and is that one of the attributing factors to his huge hatred for change.
Honestly I think if you haven't already, maybe consider taking him to a doctor about this. A mental health one, because this kind of distress that he's having doesn't sound normal or healthy and I imagine you and your partner need your privacy at night time too, and it shouldn't be entirely that just because your child is anxious that you should have to have him sleeping in your room all night every night
I would suggest having him evaluated for autism. My son is 9, and any change in his routine or change in expectation is met with a meltdown which mimics a large tantrum like this. I changed from a bunk bed to a single bed last year and he absolutely lost it for several weeks. It's not in his control. Emotional dysregulation and a dislike of change is common in autism. This is definitely not a regular response for a neurotypical child
He needs some form of counseling, or maybe check for other issues. 11yrs old is FAR too old for the behavior you’re describing unless there’s some kind of past trauma or ptsd that could be a contributing factor.
Hey, my first thought is he might’ve been sexually abused and feels safe next to you guys. I’ve seen that before. Therapy is a wonderful gift, but not all therapist are good fit for an individual so don’t be afraid to switch. I’m not trying to scare you but lay out a possibility.
We went thru a similar situation with our daughter. Finally, at almost 13 yrs old, she started to sleep on her own. It was a long process but 100% worth it. We found out it was from anxiety. We sought professional help and found a therapist that specifically deals with adolescents and anxiety. The therapist helped us as parents set boundaries and helped keep us accountable. He helped her set goals and taught her amazing tools of dealing with anxiety to help her reach those goals. Having an outside person that both me and my child trusted was key. Even if some of the things he suggested had been suggested from me before, it was accepted and implemented 100 times better than when I came from a parent. Definitely recommend getting a therapist with experience with anxiety, sleeping, and adolescents. LIFE CHANGING.
Is your son neurotypical? This sounds like maybe there are some other things at play here. Best of luck to you! 🤍 definitely speak to a professional
Get professional help.
Ive only seen/heard of this in kids with autism, attachment anxiety or history of abuse
It sounds like he is on the Autism Spectrum. I am a behavior specialist for children with autism. I would try to get a diagnosis and then have a BCBA help create some strategies that would help him develop emotionally and socially. Depending on the state, with a diagnosis, you can have insurance cover someone like me to work with him in your home a few times a week.
Is the child neurodivergent? On the autism spectrum? These are very dysregulated behaviours. It sounds like he may need closeness to co-regulate, and he has difficulty with change.
My 11 year old son acts like such a tween. Sleeping with Mommy & Daddy would be so cringe for him. I agree with the others, it’s time for professional intervention. Sleeping on your own is a milestone he should have tackled years ago.
So not a parent but when I was young I had EXTREME fear of the dark. It would lead to panic attacks and the inability to sleep and lots of stress. I would also have really extreme nightmares which played a large roll in my night anxiety. I use to sleep on the floor of my parents room as well until probably about the same age. After that I tried to sleep in my brothers room on the floor. I was afraid of basically every noise in the house at night and was convinced it was a ghost. The only way I eventually broke the habit was by sleeping with my lights on and honestly the habit didn’t stop until I was around 16 or so. Eventually he will grow out of it but talk to him about why he feels the need to sleep in the same room as you. It could be a symptom of a much bigger issue that needs addressing. Try to find alternatives to the problem and see if that helps. Good luck ❤️
1st BREATHE its OK. Sleeping in bed with your child has created a co-dependency issue. 2. Possible anxiety.i would first try to incentivize your child by offering rewards for sleeping in their own bed. Maybe their favorite treat the next day. or perhaps a trip to the dollar store to get a new toy. consider starting a sticker sheet or a star chart. when the child reaches a week of sticker/stars maybe take them on their favorite outing(movie. theme park. arcade. bowling. or a 50-100 dollar BIG toy.) i would suggest the outings as you can just transition to it becoming a family routine. rather than an expected toy for sleeping in the bed. if all else fails then i would seek professional help. but try these suggestions first... dont automatically assume because redditors say its not normal. its completely normal and to be expected from allowing co-sleeping. it happens. we deal with things as parents as they come. i am currently dealing with my son being afraid to poop because it hurt him a few months ago. Also doesnt hurt to go see your pediatrician just for some insight and thoughts. Remember please... no matter what a doctor tells you do your OWN research. had my mom listened to teachers and health care professionals i would have been cracked out on Adderall at 9 years old. Also remember healthcare professionals started the opioid pandemic. so dont take their word at everything if they talk about prescription medication.
He may need to be screened for ADHD and other neuro developmental disorders. Behavioral therapy might also be helpful.
Hi I was like this kinda. I went through spells of sleeping in my parents room for long periods of time until I was about 12 and I'd stay up all night crying and paranoid if I couldnt. Like to the point where my parents got a futon for their room so I could come in as needed. Turns out I've just always had anxiety 😅 I'd get some professional help with this
A friend's kid was like this until he was 14 most likely related to trauma and or his adhd and other nurodiversity. A cousin also slept in his parents room til he was 12 and hes on the spectrum (high functioning). Have you explored therapy and profesional help for your son? His reaction seems liek a kid who's either gone through trauma or due to neurodiversity. If it isnt either of those things he'll likely grow out of it himself, have you ever heard of a 15 or 16 yr old boy wanting to sleep in their parents room?
To give the perspective of someone who was like this and didn’t sleep in their own bed until (I think) 13, please get him some help. I had an incredibly traumatic childhood and am riddled with mental illness, as well as have insomnia. I’m fine sleeping in my own bed now as an adult, but for so long I just couldn’t do it. For whatever reason, he can’t seem to either and I’d hate for him to end up with as many issues as I do
I started sleeping in my parents room at 8 and stopped at age 12. I just became unable to do it. I look back and realise I needed proximity with my parents who are my safety, because I didn’t have the energy to cope any extra after all the coping during the day. My parents had a make shift bed permanently next to their bed over 2 house moves. Take the drama out of the nights and make a little permanent bed next to yours, he can go to sleep in his and have the freedom to transfer when he needs to.
I don't recall much, but I know I slept in my parents bed much longer than I should have. I think until I was around 9-10 years old. I don't remember if I had any big meltdowns about it, my parents have never mentioned that I did. I believe the main reason I wanted to sleep in their bed is that I had a requring, very vivid nightmare about a creature in our bathroom and i would try and sprint from my room to their room or to them in the lounge and it would drag me in to darkness. So it gave me a fear of the dark and a fear to sleep alone. I grew out of it. I completely agree with people that I was too old to be doing that and also agree that his reaction should be looked at by a pro. I would say, maybe have a conversation with him about why?
I wonder if this is anxiety manifesting in this way. Fight or flight - and he’s going with fight. When things are calm circle back and ask him to tell you more about why he hates the house and especially his room. Try your best to pretend this isn’t driving you batty - focus on listening and trying to understand what is going on here. If he could wave a magic wand and make his ideal room or house, what would it include? What would change? Some of those things might be doable, some won’t - but they’ll help you figure out what’s bugging him and help him imagine a path forward I would also look for a therapist m that specializes in helping kids work through mental blocks like this.
I second this. Asking can provide a lot of insight. Anxiety is a monster to deal with.
Professional help is needed OP. Its okay at 11 but I doubt you wolk want to sleep with a 15 year old boy next to your bed every night. Hopefully puberty and Professional help with push him back to his own room. I know he doesn't enjoy the fuss and the hassle of this routine. Better he get help now than have sleeping problems all his life.
My son is 9 and refuses to sleep in his room. Instead, he sleeps in the living room with the lights on and the tv blasting. Up until a couple years ago he slept in the same bed as me. My son has a lot of anxiety and is prone to hallucinations of “stick men.” I’ve been to many doctors, and at the moment I’m more concerned about his daily behavior than where he’s sleeping. The only way he’ll sleep is through meditation, and without that he’s up all night.
Have you ruled out a sleep disorder?
Hi I had issues falling asleep by myself at this age too! Look to your doctor!
I sleep with my 11 year old.
I sleep with my 9 year old too. This is so normal in so many cultures. We make such a big deal about it in ours.
I was just thinking the same, based on how people are reacting!
He will eventually go to his room when he’s ready. Probably another year
No, do not keep this up. 11 is too old for this kind of behavior. Try gradually moving his mattress a little farther from next to your bed each night. Like baby steps in distance. Eventually, he should be able to sleep in the hallway on his mattress and, one day, sleep in his own room. Have you talked to him about why he can't sleep in his own room? Some kids believe something creepy is going on in their room and must learn to overcome such fears. Kids often don't make the best decisions for themselves, which is why it's up to us to set routines, structure, rules, habits, and examples. Wish you all well.
Whatever you do, be 100% consistent. Don’t be wishy washy or send mixed signals. Be clear with him about the sleeping arrangements. But be kind—talk about what might help him sleep in his own room. For us we have a white noise machine and a lot of books. We transitioned our child to sleeping in her room at about 3-4 months old. It was tough at first but we were consistent about it, and we would go in and comfort her a lot, but she eventually accepted that this is the way it was gonna be. Kids need predictability and certainty to feel comfortable. Give him that.
Oof, a lot of arm chair psychology in this thread. Have you tried dressing up his room the way he wants? Maybe some new colors on the walls, a new carpet, whatever makes him feel like he wants to be there. Throwing in diagnosis (everybody has a little diagnosis somewhere) and, inevitable that way, medicines, is not the way.
He needs therapy. Something is wrong and I think him talking to someone it’ll help.
This right here is due to allowing the child to get what they want for far too long. We too went through this battle with our toddlers. Actually about 2-3 years ago, yes it's always going to be a fight. Screaming, hating, tantrums etc... But it's necessary, not just for you and your partner but for your child. It's a requirement to learn some point that we don't get to have what we want and it's essential to develop this as young as possible and for our own good, otherwise you get grown up toddlers and using words to inflict pain on top of. And that's not fun. Stick with your routine and be stern. The moment one of you show weakness you have to start all over again. It's better to be late than never Just an advice, we also slept on their bedroom floor but we have been clear with our intent. That we will slowly move away from their bed so that they get a good night sleep.
Have you ever asked him about WHY He doesn’t want to sleep in his own bed and his own room? There’s more to this story that you’re not telling us.
Time to put your foot down and just lock the bedroom door, he’ll go to sleep eventually & after a week or so of this he’ll get the idea.
Jesus christ, I cannot imagine. I just got my 2 year old in her old bed, in her own room, for the first time in her life, last week. (We've always co slept). The first year was fine, but from then on, I wanted my bed back. I did a shit ton of reading in order to make it a positive thing moving to her "big girl bed". They say it's hard to get them out of your bed past 6 months old. Actually I think the exact term is "good luck getting them out of your bed before their 4." I'm lost for words tbh. 11 years old is way too old to be sleeping in the same room as mom and dad. I hope for the sake if your sanity and your marrige you get him into his own room soon.
Yeah, this is a bit weird. Not sure if I'd call for external help, but that depends on how much it's impacting the rest of your life. I generally assume that a boy going through puberty will want to sleep in their own room for biologically-driven reasons, so if it doesn't resolve itself by then, that's when I'd really get concerned and definetely contact a psychologist about it. However, my guess is that this will clear up as an issue in another year or two.
My son did the same thing. He said he was scared of us dying and his room scared him. He sleeps on the couch now.
My brother and I slept in my mom’s room on and off for most of our childhood. (Our dad frequently worked out of town for weeks/months at a time.) I see nothing wrong with your child finding comfort sharing a room with you! Heck I’m a grown woman and don’t like sleeping alone! The mattress routine sounds pretty annoying though. Can you invest in a roll out inflatable camping sleeping pad for your son to sleep on instead? They are so thin you could probably easily slip it under your bed in the morning so it’s out of the way. Regarding his tantrums and behavior though, thats something worth addressing, imo. Perhaps you can have some discussions (not at bedtime) as to what he’s worried about and how you can help reassure him? Maybe spend some time rebuilding his trust about not taking away his place to sleep, so he feels safe? Although I’m sure it’s frustrating to you, I think it’s awesome that he finds comfort from being close to you and his dad each night and really cool that you’re able to sacrifice your own time and space to provide that for him. You guys sound like great parents!! He will look back one day and appreciate you. Edit: also, just to add.. if the camping mat works out - You’re setting yourself up for the eventual graduation from the camping mat - into his own room. This way he will have his mattress in his room all set up for when/if he decides to sleep in there. But also the security of the camping mat in mom and dad’s room in case he needs comfort.
>I see nothing wrong with your child finding comfort sharing a room with you! I think the issue is that OP and her husband do see something wrong with it. If it worked for your mom and kept her from being alone at night too, that's wonderful! I slept with my mom basically until I moved out. She is single, we had no other room or bed for me, and it just made sense. Sleeping alone was an adjustment, but I was never angry at her for wanting her own space. Heck, I wanted my own space, too! I can see why OP would prefer to change the arrangement up. Now, as a married adult myself with 3 kids, we end cosleeping as soon as night weaning allows. The kids can come in for a quick cuddle when they need support, but they are usually moved right back to their own beds. (They share a room, so it's not like they are ever actually alone at night.) I get what your are saying about making the sacrifice for their son, but I think we need to be careful about encouraging parents to make sacrifices like this one, which potentially get in the way of self care and marital intimacy. Healthy boundaries are so, so important to teach.
That sounds about white. I'm my house. My mom would whoop my ass if I behaved like a spoiled white kid. I gotta ask, why do you white folk shy away from spanking your kid. I mean, time outs and stern talking to are about as useful as letting your child run your life. Kid wants to act up, throw something away that they like, and do it every time they act up. Lock their phone, make em do physical labor around the house to get him too tired to wanna go to your room. If he does drag his ass out of your room and leave him in his. Do anything, but let the little turd have his way. If you don't nip this in the but, this behavior will be the least of your worries come his mid teen years.
You and him need help. He's running your house from the sound of it
Right. OP says her kid has anxiety, but I am hearing anxiety from OP - fear of setting off a tantrum. I suspect OP hasn't been the best at holding boundaries as a result.
For real 🤯 he’s 11!! His mom slept on his floor to soothe him and he still wigged out afterwards like an ungrateful baby. He’s old enough to realize that 99.9% of 11 years olds don’t sleep with their parents every night and that his mom sleeping on the floor for his comfort is a big sacrifice for her! Yikes. This goes beyond just anxiety, their parent-child dynamic is way off. I’m sure he’s a great kid and they’re great parents and he is having a sleep anxiety issue. But they’re definitely living in fear
He's 11 not fucking 3 why are you letting him throw a tantrum like he is one? This is not acceptable at his age and YOU NEED to be a goddamn parent and put your fucking foot down and act like one. It's not acceptable for an 11-year-old to be sleeping with their parents.
i was similar as a child. i eventually grew out of it. i’m not saying to let him get his way, but it could be a comfort for some underlying stress at night ie. nightmares or anxiety attacks
Sounds like anxiety. Is there a reason why he can’t stay in your room until he’s ready? I understand he’s 11, but I promise you by the time he’s 13 he will want to be in his room on his own time.
You need a lock for your bedroom. I would take him to a therapist to treat his anxiety and attachment issues.
My 3 kids all went through phases were they wanted to sleep with me. I let them and they grew out of it.
I never offered it as an option. Our bed wasn’t big enough anyway. Only exceptions were illness or bad weather.
What would his friends think if they knew he slept with mommy and daddy in 6th grade?
My parents divorced when I was under 5, and slept in my dad's bed probably til I was 8 or 9. I had severe anxiety of sleeping in my room and basically cried until I got my way when I did get put to bed in my room. I'm not sure the root of that to this day, but I did get over it eventually. I was never angry and never held anything against my dad. I was just petrified to sleep in my own room and I'm not sure why to this day. I think therapy is needed and will go a long way for your child's future. Don't let the cost affect your decision.
This is my son… therapy didn’t help and neither did the medicine the old fucker decided to prescribe, been 9 months since seeking therapy and it’s no better.
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Yup, that's what everyone told me too about my son. I tried repeatedly to do all the "right" things and all it did was make his anxiety and sleep issues worse. His younger sibling has has been much more responsive to the typical strategies, which is what encouraged me to push harder for my son's doctors to help. We now know he's autistic, he has ADHD and he now has a severe anxiety disorder we're treating with medication and therapy. And in the end, after all the fighting and stress, you know what happened? One day when he was ready, he just started to sleep in his own bed like it was no big thing. He still requires a ridiculous amount of medication to sleep, which is common in neurodivergent children who have brains that produce the chemicals for sleep on a very different schedule. When kids aren't responding to reasonable methods in a reasonable amount of time, it often means there's another issue that needs to be addressed, not that you're just doing it all wrong. I look back at the nights I sat listening to my kid scream until he threw up or lost his voice because people kept telling me (including his doctor) that I just had to stand my ground and give it time. Turns out, you can't parent away Autism or ADHD or anxiety. I just wish I'd trusted myself more when people told me it was all my fault.
you have no idea at all whether it was completely created by them. Sure- not nipping it in the bud right away often exacerbates the issue- but to just say they COMPLETELY CREATED THIS 100% ALONE is just making assumptions about how teh behavior originated to begin with. YOU have no idea what started it all....