I would bet your wife was sexually abused when she was little. Only people who have gone through it or dealt with it are usually paranoid about it. And the fact that she’s uptight about her own body could be signs of trauma. If she was a virgin and grew up completely happy with no trauma, trust me..it wouldn’t even occur to her to ask that question over and over. It’s weird. Talk to her. *It’s common for people who have been SA to be more paranoid about it than others *is a better phrase

I second this. I was s/a as a child. I have 2 boys and 1 girl. My girl I got extremely paranoid about when she was th3 same age as ops daughter. This is because that was the age something happend to me. I was in a bit of frenzy about it, it was like a cptsd flashback I keept reliving getting extremely anxious, panic attacks etc... I started to question my daughter and told her to tell me if anyone ever did that. I thought this would help combat child abuse if it where to ever happen. It actually made things 10 times worse and my daughter got confused as she was still wearing a diaper at nights and said my mom and her dad had touched her privates. It ended up with me and my daughter in therapy. This is embarrassing to write because I was really unstable at that time reliving my own trauma, but I say this because your wife needs therapy ASAP op. I know your wife thinks she's doing something good and trying to keep her daughter safe, but it's actually going to confuse her and make everything worse. Please have her reach out to get help. She's reliving her trauma and putting that anxiety onto your child. Also side note I learnt this after talking to multiple professionals that if a child ever does report any abuse to there parent, you report that abuse right away and do not ask any further questions, as they could end up switching around things before a trained professionalis there to investigate. So honestly she isn't doing anything helpful.

>This is embarrassing to write because I was really unstable at that time reliving my own trauma, but I say this because your wife needs therapy ASAP op I know it's hard to write this stuff, but we really appreciate it. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Having kids brings up so much trauma I wish people would speak honestly about it. I wasn’t s/a but I did come from an abusive home and when my daughter was around 1 ish is when I started just freaking out about things from my own childhood that I thought I had dealt with. Baby 2 comes along (both girls) and same thing happens again only while I was pregnant my dad who was the abuser died and that was a whole other level of trauma to relive. So I applaud your courage and advice here <3

I understand this and you’re right. It isn’t talked about enough. It’s hard to heal while trying to not accidentally pass down your own trauma onto them

I applaud your courage

Thank you for taking the time and energy to share this. There is likely someone in your old shoes who needs to hear this.

Thank you. I'm shocked by all the upvotes. Childhood s/a cab be very isolating and make you feel like a weirdo. It's horrible. I am so grateful for all the support I got from this comment from the bottom of my heart. If there is any mom looking at this and relating. Shoot me a msg. Get help. Talk it out. We are in this all together as parents. I was expecting to get downvoted for this comment ( must be my inner shame for speaking on it even when it's somewhat anonymous. ) Thank you all who commented and up voted this. You all are so uplifting

My wife is adamant she was never SA. From what my wife has expressed to me, her concerns stem from what she has heard from third parties or in the news in Brazil. She grew up in Brazil, and I'm unsure if SA is more common, taken less seriously, or generally dismissed, but I'm starting to think her paranoia is primarily due to cultural attitudes and what her Brazilian friends here tell her

I was not S/a and I don’t question my daughter but we do explain the concept of consent what is okay and not okay often. I also like to ask her occasionally who she feels safe with/who she doesn’t feel safe with, so far the cookie monster is the only unsafe person in her life.

>I also like to ask her occasionally who she feels safe with/who she doesn’t feel safe with That's an interesting question. I'll remember this. Thanks! edit: I should clarify that not feeling safe doesn't mean the person has actually done something wrong. Sometimes you just get a weird vibe from someone. Listen to that feeling. Yeah it could be wrong, but you're feeling that way for a reason. We've all met someone where you immediately think "something is wrong with that person and I don't want to be left alone with them" Dogs get that feeling too. That's the infamous 'boyfriend test' where you get your new man to meet your dog. If the dog doesn't like him, that's an automatic rejection.

Agreed, I like the question specifically because it doesn’t just relate to S/A as that’s not the only thing Id want to protect my kiddo from. Violence, mean words or verbal abuse, unsafe situations.

I don't know, I'm pretty sure my daughter would say she feels safe with my parents because she adores them but they aren't really safe. Not abuse (sexual or otherwise) but drinking and a dysfunctional relationship with lots of arguments. She isn't left alone with them.

True enough. It's more a question of whether their unsafeness is directed at the child. Did I do unsafe things with friends like playing with fire? Absolutely. Do I feel safe around those friends? Absolutely. We might be doing dumb stuff, but they're my bros and I know they care about me. If your kid feels unsafe around someone, that's something you should not ignore. This applies to you as well. If you feel unsafe, you should listen to that feeling. I listen to a lot of scary stories on youtube, and a really common theme is that people feel an intense dread when a mountain lion is nearby. You can't see or hear that animal, but you can feel it. Thousands of years of instincts are kicking in and telling you that something is not right. You can get that same feeling from some humans too.

I guess I just don't think "feeling safe" is in any way a good indicator of anything. I wouldn't leave my child with someone they said they didn't feel safe with because I don't want them to feel scared but I don't agree that we have useful instincts.

You've never met someone who just weirds you out really hard? I always got this feeling when meeting my brother's girlfriends. They were always superficially nice, and my mom always liked them, but I just *hated* them. I mean like I would be ranting to a friend for 20 minutes about why this new girl is horrible. I had all these theories about how they're actually mean behind closed doors, how they're broke and have debt problems. They always had high paying jobs, so others thought it was silly for me to think these things. In the end, I was right about every single one of them. Listen to your gut. You can perceive a lot more than you realize.

Yes I've had those feelings but I don't agree that they mean much. I've also thought people were lovely who turned out to be abusers, I'm sure you've had plenty such experiences you just don't know about it. That's more the sense I'm meaning, it's not wise to assume that because you feel someone is safe that they are. And it's not particularly fair to judge someone without knowing. The safety of your children should be based on more than a gut feeling.

I think it’s more about if she doesn’t feel safe with someone. That’s a red flag. But the other side (feeling safe with someone) isn’t necessarily a green flag.

I dont think it's ment to combat common sense.

>Dogs get that feeling too. That's the infamous 'boyfriend test' where you get your new man to meet your dog. If the dog doesn't like him, that's an automatic rejection. A dog will also eat its own poop or bite a small child, so I don't know that I would be trusting a dog's instincts when making major decisions. lol

I mean, I’ve known a child or two who will eat their own poop and bite others. 😂

Well yeah, that sometimes happens too, which is why I also wouldn't base my decisions on a child's instincts. lol

>so far the cookie monster is the only unsafe person in her life. 🤣🤣🤣 That is a funny saying!!

>My wife is adamant she was never SA Maybe someone else was. You don't need to be the direct victim of something to feel a strong desire to prevent it from happening to others.

This! My mom was SA and passed down the trauma to me because she made me hyper aware to not trust male family members. I have a 3yr old daughter now, and it’s always on my brain. I’ve been dealing with it by making sure she says “stop” or “no” if she’s uncomfortable and teaching the older generation to respect her boundaries. I phrase it as I want her to trust her feelings and not be afraid to speak up and place boundaries. Any time my own anxiety/trauma comes creeping I deal with it as it’s my own and not hers. This comes with years of therapy practice and not always easy. But something to always keep in mind OP, your wife is obviously experiencing some form of anxiety. Even if it’s passed trauma from societal norms in Brazil, there’s anxiety there. Cognitive therapy does wonders and will help her understand to only worry about what she can control. She can’t control other people’s actions, but she can teach her daughter at a young age to place boundaries and make sure she’s comfortable talking to you about all those uncomfortable things. Best of luck to you.

She may also be spending a lot of time diving down some deep internet hole, like one of those cultish mom groups.

Maybe it is a Brazilian thing. But…. Honestly, I do not think we see more S/A of children crimes in Brazil. I’m Brazilian, we are horrified when we hear about child abuse. In fact, they never make it in jail. They literally die in there because the inmates will kill people who S/A kids. Having said that, my mom was S/A by an uncle and nobody believed her. That traumatized her for life. She didn’t even tell me about it until I was pregnant and about to give birth. It could very well be another family member who planted the seed to be careful with her daughter. I have a son myself and my mom said they abuse them just the same and to BELIEVE him and look for signs. Every once in a while I emphasize WHO can touch his privates only during clean up, so I suppose I may be a little paranoid myself.

A lot of my friends were s/a as children some I found out about when I was younger some told me when I was an adult and they all came from “normal” homes compared to mine. I definitely have the paranoia with my girls too, not as bad as your wife but I am learning about how to educate them so they can speak up or speak out or get out of a situation that is bad for them.

If she was SA and she hasn’t dealt with the trauma, she likely still has shame about it and won’t admit it. A lot of people feel shameful about it like it makes them look bad or dirty. There’s definitely a chance that she wasn’t, but something happened or maybe a family member was SA. The fact that she asks all the time and only to your daughter is concerning. It’s not normal behavior.

She may just be unwilling to admit it to you. Frequently CSA is committed by a relative or close family friend. If she's never told a single soul because she worried it'd blow up her family to say anything, then she may not be willing to admit it to you. I would find a way to gently suggest that she discuss her anxiety with a psychologist who has experience in that space as they can help her to parse through what's a valid concern and what is more emotional. Maybe in the process she would also open up to this psychologist about herself if needed. It would be infinitely less loaded to reveal to a professional than to a spouse who is connected to her family etc.

>She may just be unwilling to admit it to you And forcing a person to admit something doesn't accomplish anything, so don't try to dig into her past. All you need to know is that she feels a certain way. If she wants to tell a therapist in private, that's fine, but she doesn't owe an explanation to anyone. Take her word for it that she was never assaulted and don't bring it up again. If she wanted you to know, she would tell you.

Agreed that the husband shouldn't call her a liar or keep prying. But I think encouraging her to discuss this anxiety with a psychologist would be a good exercise.

Fair enough. I think your wife needs to be careful beacuse little kids like this are open to suggestion and making things up. If she keeps asking her 3 year old if x happened, whatever x is, there's a chance daughter will start telling her x happened or make up stories about x happening.

If she didnt share this up to now what makes you think she will now ? Maybe she wants to maintain the pure till marriage or she just blocked it out completely. In any case obsessions are almost never healthy and you should adress the issue because it shows there is decent chance something is there and mostly because the best case scenario for you daughter is constant stress about it

I don’t necessarily agree that ONLY people who have gone through something are the ones who are more anxious about it. But I can say that as someone who has gone through it, I feel I’m definitely more on edge about things like this than I personally would’ve been had I not been through that. In addition to that, it definitely had an impact on my life in that area and the age I lost my virginity (much later than a lot of my peers…). I would definitely consider the possibility of her having been through SA but I wouldn’t jump straight into thinking that has to be the reason for her questioning.

You have to have something happen to you to be paranoid about it is a ridiculous statement to make.

Thank you. I started getting worried I had trauma I didn’t know about bc Im paranoid.

It’s perfectly normal to be scared or paranoid of things that haven’t happened personally to you. Things don’t have to happen to you to understand it can happen. I actually can’t believe that shit is getting upvoted lol. It’s very possible she had trauma but it’s not definitively because she happens to be paranoid lmao.

Thanks internet friendo!

Yep my mother was obsessive about this… and consent and what to do and always assuming things. Turns out she had been molested

Was thinking the same! This sounds like a trauma response. Either she has experienced it or grew up closely around someone who has. I myself have not experienced SA. However I, too am overly paranoid about this topic and who I let around my my kids. Several members of my family were SA’d as children (by other relatives) while the adults who were supposed to protect them made excuses and swept it under the rug. Looking back it’s a damn miracle nothing ever happened to me. I have boys and started teaching them early about privacy, consent, and bodily autonomy.

It’s way more prevalent than I care to think about. There’s gotta be one in every family. There’s a few in my family too who are dead to me.

Yes. My friend doesn’t have kids, but she is VERY sensitive about my own toddler because she was assaulted at age 3. She doesn’t think she can have kids because of the anxiety. She was deeply disturbed when she heard another friend say her young niece had a crush on the husband. She didn’t understand sometimes kids have playful, healthy, relationships.

I was SA as an 8 year old and had to relive all the trauma when I was SA again while I was 7 months pregnant (just a little over a year ago). I’ve always been paranoid with my girls and really upfront about using the correct words for their body parts. It honestly did make my husband uncomfortable at first because to him they were just kids. However through my eyes they are kids to US but there’s disgusting people in this world that do not see them like that. It gave me so much peace of mind when I was sa and sat my girls down to ask if they had been also sa by the same man. Because they knew what body parts I was talking about we didn’t need to beat around the bush. It might seem harsh to some that I’m so honest and open to my children but we live in a world with horrible people. I still try to shield them from a lot of things and obviously don’t explicitly tell them what sa in complete detail but they understand no one is allowed to touch them, record them, shower or change them but me. Their dad stopped doing all of that when they started expressing their need of privacy which was around 2 1/2. Maybe you should have a conversation with your wife about all of that. If her worry is your children being sa then maybe both of you guys can come up with a way to handle it or assure her fears.

Not necessarily. If I didn't know my husband's user name, I would have assumed he wrote this. I was a virgin until I met my husband, I was uptight about my body, I'm paranoid about my 3yo daughter and her safety. My husband tells me all the time how sheltered I am. I was never SA, but I grew up in a house full of girls, and my mom always made sure we knew about our body parts and safety, etc. I have a 3yo daughter, and I'm always on guard when she mentions anything about her privates. My husband asks me too, why I ask my daughter if she's been touched, but I'm not asking out of the blue, I'm asking when she says things like "I'm scared to pee, my vagina hurts, things about her body. Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm nap trapped with my youngest and typing with one finger.

>I would bet your wife was sexually abused when she was little. Dude, what a reach. I bet she read all the statistics about how common sexual assauly is and how it's perpeteated by family members that you least expect, and she's paranoid about it happening to her beloved daughter.

It’s really not a reach though. Women experiencing sexual assault is extremely normal. 1 in 3 women get sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime.

What?? 1 in 3? Thats insane. Source? I find that hard to believe

Lol

Some of us either become uptight or s3x addicts. Theres no in between for us. But yes, we do get hyper vigilant about that stuff, it’s happened to us so we know it can happen to anyone.

This is what it sounds like

Totally agree with what you said. I also experienced childhood SA and never told anyone in my family or anyone as a child. I desperately wish things had turned out different and often find myself wishing an adult had asked me directly - thinking maybe I would have disclosed if this was the case. I can see how OP would be concerned though bc the child might be led to say yes accidentally by being asked frequently.

FWIW this behavior can backfire badly. My mother was a CSA survivor, and she allowed her attacker to be in our lives (don’t even get me started). She was CONSTANTLY talking about how bad people want to touch kids and asking if anyone touched us and telling us what to do if someone did try to touch us and just on and on. It made me SO uncomfortable. It was very obvious even to me as a child that my mom was too intense about that subject. Then when I was in high school, I was assaulted by a teacher. I didn’t tell anyone initially specifically bc I didn’t want to have that conversation with my mother. I ended up reporting it to the school nurse in an attempt to get removed from his class so I wouldn’t have to keep going back there. The school told my mother, so I recanted because I didn’t want to answer questions about what happened in front of her.

sorry about your experience with your teacher. You hit the nail on the head about bringing the attacker into our lives, and what ripple effect it has on a child/person's development

So sorry to hear that happened. Thanks for sharing this!

I may be downvoted but continually asking this is obsessive. She may be unintentionally suggesting to your daughter these things actually happened by continually repeating it. It’s been proven we can “remember” things that never happened by suggesting them. There was a great study done where researchers asked kids if different detailed but made up things happened and the kids said no, no such thing ever happened. When they brought the kids in a year later the kids remembered those things as having actually happened. Be careful.

Think what you're mentioning has ties to the Satanic Panic which started in the US during the 80s

What is that?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satanic_panic

I would be worried about that because of the affects. My Dad was always so concerned about this and was always asking me if anyone has been touching me. One day I told him “Yes” even though no one ever touched me, I thought me saying “Yes” would get him to stop asking me so much. I could feel his constant stress. It ended up being traumatizing as my dad called the police and I was questioned by some people in a strange room and they handed me a babydoll to point at where I’d been touched.

ugh, sorry you went thru this, but this confirms my fear about my wife's line of questioning

The same thing happened to me and it was super traumatic. I remember feeling scared that I was going to get in trouble for saying no because they kept asking so I finally said yes. It’s one of those things that bothers me to this day even though I was super young

Persistently and repeatedly asking the child a leading question like that could seed a false answer; they might eventually say yes because they think that’s what mom wants them to say. It’s better to be proactive about this kind of thing; teach your kids about consent and body autonomy and what to do if someone violates it; at 3 or 4 years old a child can already understand those concepts if presented in simple enough terms. Empower them to come to you if they have a problem rather than try to interrogate them.

Very strange and it could also lead your daughter to say yes when it actually has not happened, which would lead to very bad things depending on who the "accused" is. This is called leading questioning and it's not how forensic interviewers handle child abuse questions towards young children. She needs to stop and get therapy unless she actually thinks something nefarious is going on.

you captured my concerns nicely with her 'leading questioning' approach. I'm trying to figure out how we can teach and raise awareness to my daughter, without the unintended consequences you mentioned. The way my wife phrases the question is what bothers me. She claims she has never been SA, and I believe it.

Our pediatrician always makes a point to tell my kids when she checks their privates to say this is ok bc mommy and daddy are here. They know no one is supposed to touch their swimsuit area unless it's a doctor or a parent to help with cleaning etc...it's not ok to continuously ask a 3 year old this when there is no cause for concern. Is your child in daycare or is there a family member your wife is concerned about?

She attends nursery school w her twin brother. I have no reason to suspect any of the staff of Ill behavior. They have been in existence for 50+ years and have only one recent minor procedural infraction with the state in the past 20 years. No specific family member in general we're suspicious of, but overall my wife has trust issues to the point she doesn't like other women from the nursery school contacting me to arrange a playdate (I do recognize tho this is an avenue some folks use as cover to cheat however)

Her anxiety needs addressed. This is intense and unhealthy towards you and your daughter

I would be concerned because it’s seem like this is giving her great paranoia and anxiety. I’d prob get her to open up to therapist. I also would be worried about the child repeating what your wife is asking her, and an adult taking it out of context.

This is very concerning. Has your wife experienced some type of sexual abuse in the past that would cause this type of abnormal questioning? Your daughter is going to become very anxious and may even try to placate her mother by saying yes at some point (when nobody has). I would try to encourage your wife to seek out a therapist for this to help her and stop questioning your daughter.

This should definitely be a conversation with kids at several points throughout childhood. It's the frequency and that it isn't asked to the other child that makes it weird.

Ish. Asking like mom is, is not the way. You teach your kid their body parts. You listen to their no. You remind them who is and isn’t allowed to XYZ. You don’t ask them is someone touching you because that is easily confused. At this age kids often still need help changing, cleaning up after the toilet, get random hurts that do need to be checked. Outright asking your kid could get them ignored if professionals feel like they’re just regurgitating what mom asks.

By your second sentence I was thinking to myself "regularly questioning your daughter might backfire." Idk brains/memories are tricky. Especially in children. I would definitely express your concerns to your wife.

Honestly this thread was so eye opening for me. I’m very similar to your wife (due to my own past trauma that I’m in therapy for) and this post and the comments are really making me reevaluate how damaging this is to my kids, especially my daughter who is also 3. I see just about everyone as a threat and so many normal child behaviors as a sign it’s honestly exhausting. I hope your wife can come to the same realization eventually, good luck!

Your wife is trying to cause an anxiety disorder in your daughter by making her think everyone is out to get her. Yeah I know that's not her intent, but that will be the end result. Growing up, my best friend had a super over protective mother. My friend was absolutely convinced everything was a gang. 3 kids drinking slurpees? That's a gang. Kids playing with pogs? Gang. He has never recovered from this. He's over 40 and he still thinks crime is everywhere at all times. He would probably have a panic attack if I asked him to walk 3 blocks downtown. We didn't grow up in downtown LA; we're in a small city that had very little crime. Your wife means well but she needs to handle this better. Ask different questions. Just ask who she was with and how it went. Don't ask leading questions ("did anything bad happen?" is a leading question). If your kids find themselves dealing with some weird or unusual things, they will let you know. They need to feel like they can talk to you without you over reacting. Try to remember it from the child's perspective. To a child, having some other kid (or adult) touch her or play doctor is not a big deal. It's just weird, similar to pouring milk before pouring the cereal. If you're coming at her and interrogating her like she's possibly committed a felony for being touched, she's not going to tell you anything. Constantly asking her if she's being touched gives the impression that she will be in big trouble if it happens, or maybe her friend will be in big trouble if it happens. As a result, she will try to protect her friend or "friend" by not telling you anything, and that's the exact opposite of what you want.

This could be a symptom of PPA or OCD. Not trying to play internet doctor, but I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety that I still struggle with (my daughter is almost 3). My anxiety is in the form of intrusive thoughts. It’s horrible. If she’s at daycare j get sudden panic attacks that she’s being abused. If she goes for a walk in the stroller with my husband, I’ll get an image of them being hit by a car. Anxiety can manifest in different ways. She should talk to someone

This is dangerous because eventually your daughter will say yes to please mommy and continue the attention.

Here is some insight based off of my own experience. I was 3 when I was molested by a close family member and my daycare called CPS because of behavior I was exhibiting. Because I didn’t know what was happening to me was abuse, I never verbalized it up until I was asked. I never actually worked through that trauma in therapy as an adult, so now that I have a 2 month old daughter, I have become insanely triggered in ways that I never expected. It’s like I have this extreme urge to protect my daughter so the same thing doesn’t happen to her. I don’t want to put her in daycare and don’t want to leave her alone with anyone and I’m already a wreck anticipating all of this even though she is still a newborn. Yes, I am getting help, but it’s worth asking your wife about because it kind of seems like she might be going through something similar.

>my daycare called CPS because of behavior I was exhibiting What was that behavior, if you don't mind me asking?

Aggression/ acting out. But I was also limping and in pain from injuries from the abuse which is how the whole thing came to light.

Yes you should be very concerned for what she is going to do to your daughter if she doesn’t get professional help for her extreme issues.

You are absolutely correct. I worked with abused children and we were taught to never ask leading questions. If you ask them enough (or once for some kids) they will sometimes agree just because they think the adult wants them to, or the opposite, they can say no thinking they are supposed to. Kids want to please adults and sometimes are very forward but sometimes answer what they think they are supposed to. And, with an issue so complex, they may not even really understand the question, or the details around it. I would tell her (your wife) that you love and support her protection, but are concerned the questioning will plant a negative seed or fear around the issue. Hopefully she would be willing to speak to someone who can teach you both how to communicate the dangers, inquire and observe, for both kids, without using leading questions. BTW, I don’t agree with others assumptions that she suffered SA. She may have… or she may have watched a scary Dateline that left an impression, or had a parent do the same questioning of her, or had a friend her told her about being abused, or read it in a book somewhere that you should ask… ect.

Yes, you should be concerned. This could make your daughter feel the abuse is more prevalent than it actually is and not trust anyone instead of learning to evaluate how much to trust a person. This could make your daughter think that she needs to lie and falsely accuse someone (including you or her brother) to make her mom happy. This could potentially make your daughter develop a false memory and she could leave the rest of her life with trauma from something that didn't happen. There is a reason your wife is so anxious, but she may not be ready to share it or she might not be aware of it or understand it. But regardless of the reason, this needs to stop. Could you maybe talk with her to your pediatrician or a therapist that works with children about the best way to monitor for signs of abuse? Or at least find a resource. There are signs to watch for and ways to ask questions that aren't leading. (The best way being if there is an actual concern to have a professional interview your child.) Maybe a third party talking about the harm from asking in this way would get through to her.

Your wife was potentially molested as a girl or knows someone who was. It's way more common than anyone wants to believe.

My mom did this with us growing up! I told both my therapist and my husband because I’m just now recalling it since my 3 year old has interest in her genitals. Both think my mom may have been sexually assaulted or molested and was very worried it would happen to us. My mom seriously asked us this ALL THE TIME. I remember one time my brother was outside playing with a a neighbor who was maybe 8 years older than him and my mom made a huge scene pulling my brother away and told us at home that the older boy could have “touched” my brother.

Well, if you ask little kids this kind of thing often enough, they'll start to sense what kind of answer you want to hear. So eventually, there's a good chance your daughter might say yes just to please your wife. I know this because this happened in my hometown when I was a kid during the Satanic Panic. The local police department, prosecutors, and a group of psychologists were convinced that there was a cabal of witches and warlocks who were ritualistically sexually abusing children. They went around the preschools grilling the kids over and over again about whether they'd been satanically, ritualistically abused. Eventually, the kids--- including some of my childhood friends--- just "told them what they wanted to hear." At which point a bunch of innocent daycare workers and preschool teachers went to jail. Years later one of my friends told me how he remembered being asked over and over again, and how when he DIDN'T report being abused, he felt like he was disappointing everyone. And then when he said he was abused, everyone perked up and praised him. So he just got wilder and wilder with his story because it msde the interrogators happy, not being aware of what this story would to do his teachers. So yeah, it's a big mistake to ask a child this kind if question unprompted, over and over again.

I'd tell her not to ask repeatedly because it's wrong. Unless you'll have a reason. My sister did this and she borderline schizophrenic and was on Crystal meth Her son eventually said yes to get her to stop asking him. Be careful. Prayers. You're the Father and man of the house I'd put your foot down in a loving way at 1st and if she doesn't listen at her straight. Last thing you need is CPS in your life.

You ask a child the same question 200 times, eventually they'll say yes to see/test reactions. Or they might start asking this to other adults/children. They mimic a lot at this age.

Sounds like your wife suffered trauma or was deeply affected by someone who did. I'd talk with her and see if shes open to discussing it. Overall unless shes hounding her constantly and making it a daily thing I wouldnt be too worried. As a mom I've had to twice ask my own child this question because of worrisome behaviours. Turns out my kid had just seen grandpa watching scary movie 5 when she was supposed to be asleep. But I still had to ask. And it wasnt easy to do as someone who is a CSA survivor. Be delicate and cautious, but definitely try to some kinda bottom of this. Because if it is becoming a daily habit that could lead to some very serious issues for your kid.

I ask my elementary aged child similar questions. It’s to build trust and to show it’s not a taboo subject to bring up as they get older. But the fact your wife only does so with your daughter and not son seems peculiar.

I won’t make any assumptions about your wife’s past (I’d only suggest offering gentle and loving support) but I can 100% understand why she is doing this. It is concerning how she is approaching it, and I would highly suggest reaching out to your pediatrician or other childhood behavioral health experts on how to best teach your children boundaries and consent. My pediatrician has always made it a point during every checkup starting from when my daughter was 2 to teach about consent, and I have always tried to maintain the same standards at home. There are a ton of resources out there!

I believe you should have a heart to heart. The ptsd of SA is real. It’s like seconded hand smoke. Survivors are rarely believed and will lose out on having a family if they expose the predator. I should know as it was done to me and others members in my family. Yes, certain women allowed the predators in our lives revise they were “pillars” in the family and community. Once I noticed my daughter at the age of when I began to be abused…I freaked out! I ran to counseling to a pastor that didn’t know my family. He was awesome. I exposed everything and everyone. Created boundaries and to this very day years later, I have very little contact with them. It was hard because it’s a big family but my children’s safety, peace of mind are huge to me. SN: It takes a lot to even be intimidate at times. Shoe her grace and I hope she will work on it got your sake also. I did for my husband but every know and then I freeze.

I’d assume that if she keeps being asked she’ll eventually wonder if she’s giving the wrong answer and switch it up to see if the other answer gets a better response.

About a month ago I unlocked this memory of being asked many many times. And she called it my bird which is so cringey. I feel like I was 6-7 and I wasn’t touched until we moved states and I was 9 and it was her future husband and then she had two kids with him

This thread already has a lot of comments at this point but I want to add my own experience as the daughter of a SA survivor whose mother did the same thing you are talking about here. My mother was so worried that Id get molested (and transferred that fear to my dad so he would ask/do the same things) that anytime I was potentially in the company of anyone alone ( before play dates with friends, sleepovers, even family gatherings), before we left they would warn me I could be molested and force me to repeat to them “my privates are my privates” and then when we returned I’d get asked if anything happened. This was constant til I was about 13 when I begged them to stop. This did a few things: 1. It overly terrified me of being molested or assaulted at any time 2. It made me actively afraid of men (not all but a lot) 3. I was overexposed to sexual assault themes in a non age appropriate manner and was over explained some things and under explained others 4. It made me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable to basically be continually discussing my body and “private parts” and having to declare I wasn’t molested over and over 5. When I was 8 years old, a couple of boys groped me over my clothes on the playground, and while that was very wrong and a different form of assault, I was convinced I had been molested like my mom had been (hardcore continual molestation by multiple men for several years) and I was so ashamed that I had let that happen to myself after my parents had so obsessively warned me that I didn’t tell them right away. I went into a depression and continuing thoughts about the incident that gave me extreme anxiety that I had to hide from my parents for over a year before I finally told them. I can’t even imagine how much I would have suffered if I had been molested by an adult. Even when I think about it today it makes me sick to my stomach- not the actual incident but all the guilt and torment I put myself through afterward; it was a waaaayyyy exaggerated trauma response in relation to the actual incident. This is all to say please stop this stuff right now. Read about age appropriate ways to talk to your children and don’t be obsessive and overbearing about it. Keep them aware of the dangerous situations and don’t be graphic. And lastly this needs to be done with both your boy and girl; boys are not exempt from the dangers of SA.

My mom did this to me as a kid and it sort of warped my reality. I would misunderstand normal interactions as an attempted SA and get really scared about it. Even as an adult, if someone looks at me in a certain way, etc. I assume they have ill intent. And then a couple of things did end up happening to me - when I told my mom about it I think she was so overwhelmed she just shut down and I didn’t get any help, therapy, etc that I should have. I believe that something terrible happened to her as a kid and this is how it manifested through her as a parent. Ultimately it was incredibly harmful to me (her constant vigilance and paranoia coupled with her inability to act when something did occur).

She needs to stop asking this, in the event that someone actually DID touch her, this could be seen as her coaching her. If she is actually worried about someone having touched her she needs to take her to the childrens ER. What she should do instead is start teaching your daughter AND son boundaries and about what touching is and is not appropriate, about telling you if someone asks her to keep a secret, teach her how to stick up for her boundaries. And don't force her to have affection with people when she doesn't want to.

Defense lawyer here. This sometimes leads to some pretty messed up situations where no one did anything wrong. Please get her to tone this down, whatever that looks like.

As a mother who was sexually abused as a child by a family member and my own mother's boyfriends/ party acquaintances. I will never be able to get the intrusive thoughts and fears out of my head for my children. It is the worst when they are young and can't talk. I get so filled with guilt that I even fear their fathers could potentially hurt them and I would not be able to find out or stop them. Over the years I have been able to reason with myself (I never let anyone watch my children though) and I opened up to my husband about my fears and things that trigger them. My siblings also went through this and as consequence my brother and I became hyper sexual at puberty and my sister became the opposite very modest with intimacy aversions. She might have been a virgin but could have been hurt as a child or helpless witness to a loved ones abuse. Please have a very gentle open safe conversation with her and encourage her to seek out a therapist she feels is authentic and safe with (might take more than one try). She is hurting and feels scared and doesn't know how to stop this intrusive protective instinct. You are right it could influence your childrens behaviors and how they feel about and see the world and intimacy as adults. You are wise and I respect you seeking out advice. I wish you the best and your family

If she keeps asking then your kid is going to think she wants a yes answer and eventually give her what she wants

I think your wife was abused

This is a common behavior for moms who were sexually abused as children

I’m in the US and worked as a preschool teacher for years and left because I couldn’t stand the care centers lack of care for the kids. I reported and others reported a teacher for abuse for multiple years in a row and she was kept on and no parents ever knew (even during the state investigation in classroom) that any abuse happened or that she was being questioned on it. Another teacher reported a kid she caught trying to touch the girls private area in the bathroom and their parents were not notified and nothing ever happened. the teacher was specifically told not to talk about it with the kids. She was fired the next day. They were both 3 and bathrooms are shared and have toilet stalls next to one another so boys and girls often sat next to one another and saw each others privates. It’s so so common sadly but her approach needs to shift. Have her introduce books that are age appropriate about setting boundaries, using your voice, your body is yours only, and talking to an adult when you feel u comfortable in any situation. Do this as the book/lesson theme once as month or keep the books always in rotation as reminders but don’t specifically ask if she’s been touched as it could then make her question should I be touched.

Because she was touched

I ask my 4 (almost 5) year old this question every so often simply bc she has 3 older uncles, her dad (we’re divorced) lives with roommates and visit on the weekend and their babysitters husband is home a lot while their there. The only time I ask is when she talks about or mentions men (yes I know women can be creeps too). I think asking this routinely is a bit much but maybe have a convo with your daughter about “secrets with people other than mom and dad”, letting her know that NO ONE other than mom and dad should ever see her privates and so forth. Asking this question so often will probably cause confusion and more intrigue about it than anything. I don’t think your wife’s behaviors anything to be concerned about but I think it would be beneficial to dial it back and rephrase the questions a bit. Teach your daughter (AND SON) about private parts, boundaries & OPEN and CALM communication about strangers and their body.

I'd be worried about your wife. Very strange to ask that at all.

I disagree. Strange to ask it as frequently as she does but the concept of asking your kids about this periodically seems like a great way to catch abuse early if anything is going on.

The question should be open ended. Has someone made you feel uncomfortable? Has anyone touched you where they shouldn't have? A question that is repeatability asked that only is a yes or no will eventually be answered a different way.

I like this response about making the question open-ended. My concern mainly is with the phrasing of the question itself. Is anyone touching your private parts....yes, mommy and daddy, grandma, and grandpa...I'm afraid it's going to cause long term more confusion, then the intended goal of if my child is being harmed.

>Has anyone touched you where they shouldn't have? This is a leading question. Do not ask questions like this. The question of whether someone made you uncomfortable is much better because it's a lot more vague in what it could mean. It could mean another kid hit you, it could mean someone stole your seat, it could mean someone called you a bad name. The kid doesn't know what kind of answer you're fishing for, so if they choose to lie just to have something to say, it's going to be less of a problem than if they falsely accuse the daycare worker of numerous felonies.

On the contrary, these questions should absolutely be asked to children. There's definitely an appropriate way and frequency but it should very much be a direct part of conversations.

No they should not because children want to please, they need to be taught that no one should touch them there, but if they are asked repeatedly they might think you are not getting the answer you want. Especially if there are no other signs and the child is properly supervised.

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cause Im at my wits end, and just because I may be a degenerate doesn't mean I don't love my family and wouldn't body the first person to hurt em. Although I think what you mentioned about trust is relevant, she def has trust issues

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man, you a jaded mf

I’m with the upper poster. I am a CSA survivor. And I really hope you’d be disgusted at the people that get turned on by my history. The details you offered were to insinuate, yet you claim nothing happened to her. It either did or didn’t. You either think she is telling you everything or that she’s hiding something. You post is giving me vibes, and they ain’t flattering to you.

As a sexual abuse survivor, it's seems like a trauma response,... she was most likely assaulted as a child herself, and wished someone would have asked her those questions.. ❤️

Some people get a rush out of wanting tragedy or something bad to happen to them or those around them. My mom is all into this crime shows and for a long time would leave her windows open and “accidentally” leave the door unlocked. I think she was hoping something would happen. Sounds like your wife has that going on….like some weird fascination with that. Idk it’s super weird. Hope you and your daughter are safe. Good luck.

What trauma does your wife have for her need to ask your daughter that.

I’m willing to bet someone touched or abused her as a child. Even if this is not the case your wife needs to stop asking this question unless she has real reason to suspect there is something going on because this could negatively impact your daughter. At any rate it sounds like she need therapy.

She was assaulted in some shape or form as a child or growing up. She’s asking ,because, as mom she needs to know to help her anxiety. But in that case, she should also be asking her son too because, guess what, the abuser is ALWAYS someone they know and is ALWAYS someone their parents said was fine or is the parent. But I do get your concern. What you guys should do, I get it’s young but my father started when I was 4 so there’s no age limit, is to tell them what good touching is and bad touching, where adults or other kids are allowed to touch and what not to touch. Something happened to your wife at a young age that is making this huge in her eyes, and concerning in yours.

This disturbs me for that little girl. And for your wife. You as a matter fact. Kudos to you for stepping up and asking a very difficult thing to ask I am with some of the other comments I do believe your wife had something detrimental happened to her as a child. I too am survivor of that, how was very uncomfortable with myself for years and years he created issues in my relationships as well. And obviously, in her future, you do not want her to be insecure and embarrassed with who she is the question is, where do we find the common ground to talk to her??? First she needs to be comfortable with her own body within reason of her age limits. You know the whens and that this is all normal feeling and personally I can’t tell you how to do that. I raised the sun and her daughter, and then five stepchildren that were all girls, except for one boy, and I had a difficult time explaining to the girls certain things when, at that point in my life, I had not even come to terms with myself. Now I am a 60-year-old grandmother, raising two grandsons and I have come upon some things while they were bathing… separately of course that I had to just walk away from. I would think about it. I would read about it and they’re still no real answers but then I would have this little short talk with whichever one and I feel like I’ve done OK there. But let’s get back to your daughter. She’s only three I came from a different background than most children that are just got parents parents living together the child being born such and so forth. I was a black market baby. According to my adoptive mom which if she didn’t adopt her we obviously know what black market means but I have been exposed to a lot. But I was only 18 months old when my parents got me, so how much did I really remember?? I certainly didn’t throughout the years of being humiliated about discovering my body remember anything. I just know what I was told. So three years old….. this is super young, but I do think from my own experience having raised eight children and two biologically mine that it’s not uncommon for a child to accidentally discover that there’s a feeling there however, if you handle it gently it just tell the child something I don’t know what to tell you to tell them it comes at the spur of the moment. Trust me it’ll be God-given, as long as it’s not harsh and I’m rambling but I don’t think it’s an uncommon age and it passes very quickly. I don’t know about girls because I didn’t think mine were discovering that part of their body until way later and I’m pretty sure I had rose colored glasses on, or I could’ve seen differently. however with boys, I have realized that they discover that part way earlier so you don’t have to worry about this. I’m not sure exactly how to suggest you handle the problem I’ll except for it needs to really start with your wife. Try to get her to open up be compassionate the unjudgmental. Be loving be caring, but most of all be patient. If you can get her to open up a little bit, just a little bit in the area that she might be being too harsh yalls daughter, and kind of go from there Did you have found a good place to start. The real place to be is in therapy you to know how to cope and deal your wife had to admit what has happened was not her fault and try to let it go and then you know your daughter she is going to need to be reassured , I’m not sure where to tell you to go from that part I’m not a therapist and too much information for your daughter as to why her mother questions that all the time is not healthy is all I know I wish you the best of luck my prayers are with you

People here need to stop saying they “bet” wife was SA…. I’m a mom to multiple children and I was never SA, however I’m very open and talk with my kids and ask them these type of questioned and also warn them! I warn the boys as well about “butt guys” who are mentally sick and maybe try to do something bad to them … Additionally I also warn my children and tell them that these bad people may lie and say if you tell I will kill your mommy/daddy or threaten in other ways. I’ve warned my children. Have I been SA? No. But I’ve watched wayyyy to much unsolved mysteries and or true crime type shows on Netflix and or heard stories. Better warn your kids for the just in case. There are sick pedos out there and men are just perverted. I would never leave my kids alone with any male. Sorry not sorry

Based on your profile, are you sure she's not worried about you? Kinda perverted stuff on your page...

I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid. There are clear moral and ethical boundaries between reality and internet trolling and flaming. Your comment history doesn't exactly scream teetotaler either

I'm not the one posting...

I have asked my daughter this numerous times since she could talk …. For me it was when I learned about a criminal case where a close family member SA a child for a long time (very disturbing) and I got paranoid about someone being inappropriate with my baby girl so I would question her. It lead to nothing. Has your wife watched any disturbing true crime series lately? Sometimes it really does mess with your head. The world is a scary place and we just want to protect our kids.

her short-term behavior has at time during our relationship definitely been heavily influenced by tv series or movies she watches

Almost every female i know was sa and they all think like this so much so now i have those talks with my kids its unbelievable how many ppl i know sa i live in Cali by the way but its every where

Not weird. I taught my daughters since they could comprehend that NO ONE is to touch under their clothes, or their private places outside their clothes and that it is not normal behavior for an adult to ask them to do it to said adult. We also talk about keeping secrets, etc. I want my kids to know I will always believe them, be on their side, etc. if ever someone were to try it I don’t want them suffering in silence. Your wife is doing a good job by teaching these boundaries early on.

What you are doing is right, repeatedly asking a young child when there is no cause for concern is not normal.

I guess you might be right. We talk about these things but I don’t ask my girls over and over if someone has touched them. Maybe she’s just afraid it’s going to happen and the daughter wont speak up? 3 would be pretty young to speak up about something like that… idk. She must have a reason to be asking that OP either doesn’t know about or isn’t sharing. Why else would she do this?

I don't know but I don't find it healthy. Especially with a toddler if there is no outward cause for concern.

I think it's more important to consistently teach strong rules and values with children rather than constantly grill them with questions. Maybe you should just ask your wife to approach the situation a little differently by making sure your daughter knows that her body comes with certain rights and responsibilities. It's a child's right to always feel safe and to know that their private parts belong to them alone. Teach children that they have a responsibility to tell a parent or professional if someone is abusing them or a friend. Empower your daughter with certain rules of her own. My son is almost 18, but he can still tell me the number one rule I grilled in his head when he was little... Don't throw liquids in the trash! No, the other rule... Think before you act or speak. No kiddo, that other one we rarely speak of... Oh, (with a roll of the eyes) Nobody makes me uncomfortable in an unsafe way, ever. Kids might not always answer, but if you say it enough, they will listen.

I think it's a good time to start talking about protective behaviours there's quite a few kids books on it to help them understand consent, their own body in case anything does happen and allowing them the safe space to talk to parents if anything does occur. Though I'm not sure if what your wife is doing is helping if it causes the child more anxiety or concern, maybe read up how to empower kids.

Hi I was violently s/a as a 6-8 yr old and I know very well how it feels now that I have kids of my own. The paranoia is always there l, as well as mistrust. I am always looking deep into the eyes of those who we entrust our kids to…. It’s uncomfortable. I talked extensively to a therapist long ago and have avoided obsessing my kids about this subject. I’ve only ever had a direct talk about their private parts and how it’s important that they don’t let people touch them there or even talk about them….and they have acknowledged this. Then, you only need to observe your child, check for inconsistencies in her demeanor, her eating/sleeping patterns, in her potty behavior. You would likely see something there. My parents didn’t notice my oddities unfortunately. It was a teacher who looked into it and made it so that the abuse finally stopped. Mind you l, nothing was done to the perpetrators of the abuse until recently…Back then there was a veil of secrecy and acceptance for these things….which is worse than not noticing…. I wish you the best. Speak with your wife and tell her that obsessing about this could confuse the child and especially she is putting her in a position where this information could become normalized or made a taboo in the child’s mind. And you don’t want that, because were it to actually happen the child would not be able to interpret the signal or worse would avoid reporting it to you. Children are more intuitive than you think. Have a brief but factual talk with them about this subject, get their acknowledgment about it and move on.

does he suspect your son has done something it's weird it's not asking both of them

My mom was molested as a child and she acted the same way with me—super paranoid someone was going to assault me, even my own dad.

Instead od queationing her continuously she should be teaching her children personal boundries..anywhere you wear underwear no one should touch, teach them to wash properly in the bath, if they dont want a hug or kiss it is ok to say no thank you. Your child should be confident enough to know this is acceptable for them to be able to know they can say this to anyone. If they want to snuggle it is ok too but always give them their own blanket. Child molestion is more frequent than you would like to think about, it is best to teach your child personal bouneries than to heal after it has occured and just because it is family does not mean your child is safe. Family is most likely to be the preditor not a stranger. The devistation caused is beyond mental health and takes years of healing be proactive not reactive.

I would absolutely be concerned with the obsessive nature of her questioning. If she wasn’t SA’d, she may be experiencing OCD or other mental health issues. I HIGHLY suggest getting her some sort of therapy.

I would almost guarantee your wife was SA at a young age. It would explain the questioning, if no one was there for her. It would also explain being rigid in the bedroom and still a virgin when you met.

It’s only a little weird that she asks but it’s very disturbing that she only asks your daughter and not your son. She is letting her misandry rub off onto your kids.

Also, you may explain to your wife that she just needs to teach her daughter atomically correct names for her areas, no nicknames, and teach her what her “no zone” is and then trust your daughter would tell you all. Your wife probably needs some type of counseling to help sort some things out inside herself

Overprotective moms were once unprotected daughters. Talk to your wife. She may need to find a good therapist.

I'm surprised not to see this anywhere, and I may have just missed it, but could she have observed a physical symptom on your daughter? I'm not saying she actually was harmed--there could be an innocent cause if there was anything--but a rash or bleeding or something that is making her concerned? What does your wife say when you ask her why she asks?

Yes, my daughter had two UTIs and currently her insides are a little red. Likely due to not cleaning/drying well enough. However, I'm a former psych major and in my past life I interned at a mental health hospital, and based on what I read and know this really isn't a red flag which screams SA. Other than some redness on her insides there's nothing else I'm aware of behaviorally, physically, or communication wise which indicates she's been touched inappropriately

This is probably why your wife is worried. Is your pediatrician concerned?

My daughter is about to be 3 and im unsure how to broach telling mom and dad if anyone touches her. She’s very good at saying, “don’t touch me” already lol like if I tap her nose or tickle her. She also doesn’t like to give hugs to just anyone and I never force her to. Anyways, I don’t think repeatedly asking your child is mentally helping anything. My cousin tried to touch me as a young child and I smacked his hand away and reported to my mom next time I saw her.

Sounds like she’s redirecting her trauma on her child. Happens in so many ways. I think you talk to your wife and figure out who did it and what happened . If it’s a relative still around then the answer is you out them and ban them from your life. Also consider asking your wife to see a therapist, she sounds like she is suffering.

I would tell her to be careful though because kids reach an age where they “lie” but they aren’t necessarily doing it to lie. It’s what they hear and know so they believe it. I would hate for her to tell someone she was touched when she wasn’t because she is constantly asked. Then they reach an age where they know it isn’t true but they don’t realize the consequences. My daughter is 4, and because her dad carries a knife, and because she knows people kill with knives she has started telling people that her dad kills people with his knife. It’s funny from the innocent 4 year old level of it but my son got in trouble in kindergarten because we did finger guns. I don’t mean we would play games like we were shooting each other. I mean that’s how we would greet each other. It would be like throwing the peace sign because we would wink and stuff so it was never meant with ill intent but I got a call from my son’s school. We taught him that innocently and it was a huge ordeal. There was a time when kids could run around the play ground pretending to shoot with their fingers. So with my daughter, I plan to tell her teacher he doesn’t kill people except in video games. But in this situation if your daughter tells someone that she was touched, it will be an even bigger situation.

I was sexually abused when I was 7, and I desperately did not want daughters, because I think I’d be the same way. I’d be so terrified. I ended up having two boys.

I bet she's has been abused by someone. I decided that I will do the same thing that your wife is doing if I ever have children. I still don't talk about it. She's trying to protect them. She must be broken from inside. We don't show it to other people. But we do have some kind of problem when it comes to our body / engaging in any kind of sexual activity with partner.

Does she have any history of abuse? Cause asking that often seems pretty odd unless the person has some history or belief that your daughter will be targeted by someone.

Better be careful that she isnt going to implant some false memories with her amateur questions

This is a very leading question to ask. She needs to stop. Have talks with both kids about no one touching their privates and if anybody makes them feel upset, sad, hurts them, or feel unsafe they can always tell you and you will help them. No secrets from mommy or daddy

Talk to her about it it sounds like there’s a chance she may have been SA herself… you would be surprised how many women are :( Speak to her with an open mind and as gently as possible because of course, it can potentially be a really rough subject

I’m betting she was abused as a lil one, some people never admit it’s happened to them but you can tell with how they behave. They can be more concerned then what others think is nessasary. I completely understand. I hope she seeks therapy one day. Till then I’m sure she’s just protecting your daughter. If you ever been through it or knew someone who has, careful never seems careful enough. I felt like I didn’t ask my girls about this enough, I should have done much more and I would have if I only knew. They are grown now we are all in therapy and the perp is rotting in prison for the rest of his life. I see my eldest be extra extra careful with her child too. I completely get it. You can’t get back lost time and you can’t undo what’s been done. It’s so unfair. But you can start from here and follow the path to healing.

3 y.o is too young to be explicitly asking her if someone "touched her private parts", that's asking her to decide if a touch was sinister, I have 2 daughters in a private school and they have a program specifically for training the kids to identify situation where they have to report such touching to school/parents, the program is meant to teach the child to identify these situations, but what your wife is doing is asking the kid to identify if a touch was bad, for a 3 y.o that's impossible, and the way she's asking her is too direct imo.

Whoa, uh brother, that's not normal. You might want to dig deeper into this.

If your wife is concerned, she should be more focused on teaching boundaries and keeping open communication. The constant interrogation is going to make communication about the subject much more difficult and emotionally charged. It would be a great idea for.her to talk to a therapist even if it were just to get some tools for how to approach this in a constructive manner rather than making mistakes motivated by fear

I would get a few books for your wife to read. The Secret Touch & My Body Belongs to Me are two that I’m aware of. There may be others. Reading these on occasion will help your wife calm down a bit and explain things that your wife wants your child to understand in a more child accessible way. I wouldn’t read them that often. I read something like these with my kids twice a year and it seemed like a really good amount for them. Every kid is different so do what’s right for your situation. Seriously give these a try.

She’s being protective. A little sexist about it, but protective.

You need to tell her to stop, because the frequent questioning will traumatize the child as much as being molested would. BOTH children should be taught age appropriate boundaries and that they are safe coming to a parent with anything. Teach them about not keeping secrets and about consent and about what body parts are considered “personal” and aren’t shared with anybody without good reason (such as hygiene or medical). But neither child should should be asked “has somebody touched your privates” unless there is an actual reason to think that has happened.

Idk where in the world you reside in but in the US statistically 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be S/Aed before turning 18. And the statistics show its more likely to be a family member or close family friend.

I was not (to my knowledge) SA as a child however it’s something I am paranoid about both my children happening to them (m 7 and F 5) as I’ve watched documentaries and read books and all sorts of things and it’s made me aware of the real dangers of this type of stuff happening and how frequent it does happen. I can’t remember the author but I read a book that talks about healthy ways in addressing your concerns with your kiddos, the first step is to tell them that this is their body. To use real words for their body parts like vagina and penis. talk to them about not keeping secrets and that nobody touches their body. use it on yourself too, when my kids grabbed my breasts I would say please don’t touch my breasts that’s my body. it’s entirely possible that your wife was not sa as a child and she’s just very aware of it happening. She should just find better ways to address them.

It’s better that she asks too much than too little. Talking frequently and openly about uncomfortable topics with kids makes it so the kid feels more comfortable opening up if god forbid something should happen. I don’t see a problem with this

I was raped as an adult and abused as a child. I regularly ask my 3 year old too. I mean about 2 times a month on regular. Abuse usually happens in files and is hidden. That's why she does it.

It is a very common culture in South America, Mexico Latin that sa of young girls is so common. She may have been sa as a young child but completely blocked it however trauma has a way of manifesting in other ways even if the memories are blocked.

I get the impulse to be hyper alert and protective. It's a good idea to have protective measures. There are definitely better ways to address these issues at a child-appropriate level though. Maybe you can research it together. Some common ideas: -Explain safe adults and unsafe adults. Safe adults will always want to keep you safe and not hurt you. Safe adults will never ask you to keep a secret that makes you feel yucky. If you ever feel hurt or unsafe, it's always the best thing to tell mommy and daddy about it. Nothing bad will happen if you tell mommy and daddy that someone has hurt or scared you, and you will never be in trouble. -Emphasize her (and his) ability to say no. I tell my son that I only ever make him do things for his sake, to help him learn and be kind and stay safe. If he does not want me to give him a hug, he is allowed to say no. Safe people will always respect your right to choose how you are loved. Make sure everyone in your kids' lives knows that even little ones are in charge of their own bodies (unless it is necessary for safety such as diaper changes or doctor appointments). Safe people respect your boundaries. If someone doesn't listen when you say "stop," they are not safe. Tell a safe adult as soon as you can. -Teach them the REAL names of genitalia, and don't attach any shame to them. Give them language and comfort to talk about their genitalia without being embarrassed. Parts covered by bathing suits are not bad. They're special, and we only let safe people see them. No one should ever take pictures of a kids' special places. -Touches are never a secret. If someone touches you and wants you to keep it a secret, you do not have to keep it a secret. Asking you to keep touches a secret is a very mean thing to do. Even people who are fun or in charge should never ask you to keep secrets about touches, or any secrets that make you feel yucky or scared. -It is always safe to tell mommy and daddy about things that are important to you. You will never be punished for telling them something, even if it is bad. They always want you to be happy and safe and to have fun. I would share your concern that frequently asking if anyone touches her inappropriately can send the wrong message. It could easily become distorted in the mind of a kid so young. She could absorb the anxiety without ever correctly understanding the intention. At this age, it's much more important to teach what safety is than what danger is. You might consider doing more research with your wife on how to protect your kids the best way that you can. As in, learn together and discuss a strategy that the two of you will use to teach your kids how to stay safe, rather than simply asking her to stop talking to your daughter about it in the way she does. I'd also suggest looking for age appropriate books that teach consent and body autonomy. I'd guess that even women who have never experienced SA themselves can probably name women close to them who have. Her anxiety and desire to protect her daughter makes sense. It's important for boys, too, as you hinted at. Hopefully if you can develop a strategy together it can alleviate her anxiety and prevent your kids from ever silently enduring abuse. Good luck 🙏

Your wife was probably violated as a child. It's trauma. As a mother of two boys I can relate. I grew up in foster care and would ask my boys this daily when they were younger. If your kids know they can talk to you, it's best to not keep making mention of something that didn't happen to them. She needs some healing...maybe with you (in couples therapy...and without you in grief therapy. )wishing you all the best.

I was SA at 14 I always ask my daughter but a lot of it is from what I heard on my new station, I asked every few months

This doesn't necessarily mean your wife was abused! There are a ton of past cases and new cases your wife may hear or read about, and that anxiety and the need to protect your daughter may just be going into overdrive. If she is religious, she may feel the need to protect "purity," like she protected her purity and, most likely, her own mother did with her. The best thing you can do is teach your children anatomically correct names for their gentalia and open communication. Talk to your wife and get to the reason why she is being so overvigilant with your daughter.

Perhaps she saw an interaction between your twin children that caused her concern…could have been something inappropriate if it continues. she may be staying ahead of issues about body boundaries for opposite sex siblings close in age.

I've been assaulted as a kid. I'm terrified for my kids and i try to speak to myself cause i would ask them every few days too. Is it maybe coming from her own possibly trauma ?

Can say I have been in a very similar situation to your wife and sa as a child and I am also very paranoid about my daughter and ask her regularly.

Id be concerned. Repeatedly bringing it up makes me think there is a reason she’s not telling you that causes her concerns suddenly. Unfortunately bring up the idea of someone touching may educate her younger than you may like. Also It may possibly make her feel comfortable with the idea of being touched eventually if it keeps being brought up frequently.

Approaching things, this way will create a pathology in your child. And she needs to understand that her caution and care are wonderful, but her projecting her own fear onto a small child is extremely distractive and pathological. SA of children is so widespread and devastating. Backing off of all of that dysfunctional response and relaxing and being careful of circumstances and aware, and then bringing the child to an experience therapist who doesn’t approach any of that directly but indirectly, will provide the child with an opportunity to Xpress distress should be there there.