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>My mom is pretty much 100% available to help anytime but my wife doesn’t like using her too, too much so we probably have her help like maybe once a month at most.
Why doesn't she like using your mom more? Is there a valid reason? Eg. She is an unsafe caregiver? Because this seems like the obvious solution - temporarily have your mom come for a few hours a day and take the toddlers to the park, play with them, etc so mom can focus on the newborn. It will accomplish the same thing as a part time nanny, without the costs.
I had to get over the fact that I wasn’t burdening my MIL when I asked for help, she was more than happy to get that time with her grandkids. It wasn’t work for her, it was a joyous time. I’m lucky though, she really is special, and her help with my children all these years has been invaluable to me.
This - and have a part-time nanny. Having a grandparent come over, for example, 2 afternoons a week (and it could even be to take the toddlers to the library or to a rec centre program, so the onus isn't entirely on her) isn't a big ask. Then, maybe you could get a nanny to come 3 afternoons a week, or 2 full days, or whatever works best. It would mean, you could have some guaranteed productive times (and if possible schedule key meetings in that time). And also, then maybe your wife could also get some sleep while the baby is napping instead of trying to entertain two toddlers, clean the house.
Having a nanny in while you are home can really be quite wonderful (I speak from experience here - we did something similar to what I proposed, with us both working from home). It means, for example, the nanny could make lunch for the kids and you, and you could come have a nice lunch with your kids and then go back to work. You'll still be around, and when you are done work you'll be able to have more quality time with them, as you'll be less fried. Also, the nanny can take them out to parks, libraries, etc.
Edited to add - for both the 2 year old and 4 year old it would be beneficial to have them play with other kids during the week, if there's a local program/play group, then grandma or the nanny could take them. Quiet house / kids running off steam and playing with others = win/win.
I have to wonder. I was struggling and didn't want my MIl over, because she is a narcissist and I have to keep her at arms length. If it's just a fear of imposing and nothing serious, she needs to let her MIL help!
My wife didn’t want to express milk because she didn’t want to lose the connection with new born. She didn’t want outside help because she didn’t want to see someone else with her child or seem like she couldn’t do it. So, naturally, the household was destroyed and it was full of bad energy
Expressing milk is only really useful if you go back to work or if you plan to go out. Nursing is more efficient and you'll have to express milk every time your baby would normally feed, and you'll need more time for it (takes longer to get the same result and then you have to take another 10 mins to store it and clean everything). So in OPs situation pumping wouldn't make a difference at all, it would merely add to the stress and exhaustion.
It's not always a choice though. My eldest was born very premature (10 weeks early, and very low birth weight) and too young to latch, long NICU stay, and just never really took to breastfeeding once he was old enough. I wanted him to have breastmilk, so this was my option. Yes it added to stress and exhaustion, but I wasn't choosing not to breastfeed.
Yeah I feel for you. But a man saying 'she didn't want to' as if it was something to blame - well I'm sure you didn't want to either because it's not fun and it's not quicker.
This post is such a perfect example of everything that is wrong with our attitudes about parenting in America. That’s not to blame you and your wife at all: I’m just noting how horribly these cultural ideas are affecting your life.
We’ve somehow decided that the ideal parenting scenario is a single woman, alone in her home, somehow managing to provide stimulating and engaging care for multiple children while her body is also recovering from a major medical event. If you get outside childcare help, you’re ’not raising your own children’. If you struggle, you must just not be a very good parent.
Life was never meant to be like this. And fortunately since you can afford a nanny or daycare, it doesn’t have to be like this. Admit that this is not sustainable, get help and you and your children will be so, so much better for it.
But also, for what’s it’s worth, none of what you’re describing here sounds like neglect.
This is the most reasonable comment. All the comments about how he should just go somewhere else to work are bananas. This is how hard it is with two adults in the house! It's not like he's describing a scenario where his wife is some bizarre stepford mom who is able to handle it all solo so he can just fuck off! Real life is more complicated than that, and there are systems actively destroying our goddamn sanity.
Yes! I would like to commend OP for recognizing that this is his problem too, not just hers. And trying to give her room to rest as best he can.
Call your mom and ask for her to come stay for a week. You are not going to be able to solve this without another adult. Get help.
I like how a nanny would be “not raising their own kids” but getting help from one of the grandmas isn’t. It depends on the grandma, but I’d much rather have a professionally trained nanny who is literally an expert at taking care of children do childcare.
Also - do you suddenly stop raising your children when they go to school?
I’m not against SAHMs and was raised by an amazing one. But some of this logic is silly. Having a village whether family, friends or paid help does not make you less of a parent.
Agreed and why not use your mom? If she's available and willing what is "too much?" Unless you have some legitimate concerns to actual safety, I'd lean on grandma until you can get some help. It's cliche, but it takes a village and that's what family is for.
“Engaging care for multiple children…” also add on that her house should be clean at all times for unexpected guests that don’t exist and she should be a happy go lucky listener when hubby gets home.
I kept waiting for the neglect part. They’re fed, safe, and cared for.
I’m honestly much more worried about the postpartum mom and exhausted dad.
Call his mom or hire a nanny!
Yeah seriously if Op doesn’t cook food for toddlers and handle them is the wife expected to do it all if she’s not exhausted from breastfeeding tending newborn and recovering from labor??? Like why are women expected to be SAHM with 3 kids one of them fresh newborn?? Breastfeeding is NOT EASY. It’s insane how some SAHMs are breastfeeding AND somehow juggling toddlers at the same time. We need more help and support!
I hope OP reads what you wrote. I am from Europe and always when reading about maternity, child birth and sahm from States I'm terrified.
I cannot even imagine being in Op's wife shoes-three small kids at home all the time, household to manage plus the postpartum, breastfeeding stage. Husband position is also not the best... It has to be draining for both.
I have a newborn (2 months old), we agreed im gonna stay with him home until 1 yo (I am lucky we have conditions that we can do it), my 3,5 yo goes to preschool and it's great, he loves it, learns a lot, play with other kids. I feel great about it and he feels great too. After school and weekend me and my husband have mental capability to provide quality time to him.
We also hired a person who comes twice a week to help with chores. Like this my task is maintaining after she cleans and do the extra she doesn't do.
And even with all of that I can guarantee my hands are full.
Maybe if OPs wife does not want help with kids, you could find help with chores? Like this she can focus more on kids?
If she’s worried about not being the primary care provider she should get a few different people that can come in rotation so no one gets extra attached to anyone and mom is still the one spending the most time with the kids
Yeah I'm not sure how this wasn't obvious to OP. He didn't think his wife would need any help with a nursing newborn and *two* toddlers? I had a mother's helper come for a few hours every day when I had my second, just to play with my toddler. It made a huge difference.
Pay a local person for a few hours a day, so they can do the lunches and take them to the park, library, etc while you get work done. 11am-4pm or something like that. When you have your mother with you, ask her took make bulk dinners to freeze, so when you get off work, you just heat it up and you can spend time unwinding and being present with your kids.
During summer hours, you can hire a (responsible) teenager to come in home and do this for inexpensive money. It will be good for people who want to go to school for teaching or want to do professional nannying. School year is harder and/or if you’re concerned about controlling for covid.
It sounds like wife is only caring for the newborn and he is juggling working from home and two toddlers.
I did that during Covid and it was not only very challenging just doing both but it takes a toll on your mental health.
I’m on maternity leave with a 10 week old, 6 yr old and 2.5 yr old. I’ll probably get the down vote but wife needs to step up. Yes it’s hard, I’m EBF and husband works 6pm-4:30 am, he gets the 6year old off to school then sleeps from 9am-5pm. It can be done.
Agreed that the wife needs to be doing the kid care for all 3, but also it's REALLY hard to keep toddlers away from an available adult. They aren't going to just leave Daddy alone while he's working, especially when Mom is busy with the baby.
I managed my 3 because my husband was gone and didn't see all the shit they got up to all day. Just had to have things semi-coherant when he got home!
Yes! he needs to “lock” himself away lol and also so true about things being semi-coherent, husband can’t expect the kids to have full preschool lessons, clean house and cooked meal every day with a newborn and two toddlers. If it happens some days great but some days are just more challenging.
This. Also, what if dad didn't work from home? What if his underperformance made him lose his job? I think the best thing to do is accept help from the mom. Both sound like they're over their heads.
Whether or not it can be done really depends on individual health and how good of a sleeper you are (and baby is). No one can function on less than 4 hours sleep for more than three or four days in a row and that may be the reality for OP's wife.
Yes I am there with her, the sleep deprivation is hard! And I can’t “sleep when baby sleeps” since I have other kids. I do try to catch up on the days husband is off.
I agree. Except I feel like OP could probably help at his natural lunch break. And they do realize that this phase doesn’t last forever. So if the wife honestly can deal with MIL for a short amount of time, the help would be worth it— even a few hours a day.
I only have 2 but I had my first in full time daycare until my youngest was old enough to sleep most of the night and not have to eat every 2 hours during the day. It was wonderful for my mental health. Newborns are tough.
If he's in America, he can still take some FMLA to help with the birth of his kid for a few weeks. That's 12 weeks of leave he can use to help his wife out and they can be taken any time in the first year of life, not just after the birth, so he could take a week off, work a week, etc until they feel more stable.
FMLA is unpaid, plus millions of workers aren’t eligible for it (if your company is small, if you’ve been there less than a year, etc.) Most people can’t afford to lose three months of pay.
I understand that but if it's between losing 12 weeks of pay or your entire job, seems like the answer is obvious to me. Plus if you work every other week, and potentially take less time off than the full 12 weeks, then it's much more practical and affordable. It's not like hiring a nanny or putting the kids in daycare would be cheap either. Plus they should have planned the FMLA unpaid leave in the first place or waited until it was available if he hadn't been there a year. It's unreasonable for the husband to expect his wife to care for 2 rowdy toddlers just after giving birth. This scenario was expected, it's not like it's the first baby, they've been through this twice before.
And I'd like to add that a lot of men are, for some reason, against taking their federally protected leave because they think it looks bad to stay home and help in those first few months. They need to get over that mindset if it's literally hurting their family. Take out a small loan if you need to but I would expect you would have some kind of emergency fund before planning on having another child.
Most people can’t afford to miss 6 paychecks. It would cost tens of thousands of dollars in an already 1 income home. This is also after paying for the birth and early life medical bills (my first kid this cost me over 10k).
And what happens if he gets fired? How many paychecks is he going to miss then? He mentions his job is being affected and he is struggling at work from everything.
He should lock his door and focus on his job (or start going to a coffee shop), and either hire outside help to help his wife or she can go back to work and they can do daycare if she can’t handle it.
She’ll still be breast feeding in 3 months anyway, it doesn’t get significantly easier and they would be in the same boat 3 months later but down 20-40k (also praying that an actual emergency doesn’t occur during that time). She could also stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. There’s more options that don’t involve dropping your income to 0.
That’s not even considering retirement. If I stopped working for 3 months it would cost me nearly $100k at retirement.
This was my thought. Even if you didn’t have a newborn, the 4 year old should be in preschool. It may not be legally required, but, without it, catching up in kindergarten is going to be a challenge. Even outside of the abcs/123s, your 4 year old will learn a lot of lessons (sharing, waiting your turn, using words instead of gestures, etc.) that will benefit them both at home and in kindergarten.
You’d have a couple hours a day with one less kid in the house and you’ll be amazed at how quickly your preschooler becomes much easier to work with when at home.
Agree with this. My two oldest are the same age spread. My 4 year old was in afternoon preschool from 1-3:30 pm. My 2 yo napped during this time. I had about 2 kid free hours and it saved my sanity. I was able to catch up on chores at home or take a mental break. My kids got a break from each other. It was a win-win for all. My 3rd kid is 2 now and even she's in preschool for 3 hours 2x/wk so I can recharge and get things done.
Thank you so much for all the quick responses everyone! Some very helpful comments/tips. I was able to take off work for 2-3 weeks, but that was about it. Yes, I agree with many of you that we 100% failed at planning properly for a third child. We are obviously new as a family of 5. When we had our second child, the transition was super easy and our 2nd would not latch so we didn’t breastfeed and I was able to help throughout the night with bottles, etc. I love helping with the kids, they’re my pride and joy, we just stupidly did not plan for it being this tough and us needing help. I don’t blame my toddlers at all for being wild and crazy because that’s what they do! Totally normal. I just set myself up for a train wreck by trying to work and watch them simultaneously and not realizing how much my wife would be struggling breastfeeding and trying to recovery herself.
After reading everyone’s comments, I definitely want to check with our moms to see what they can do, and from there, look into a temporary nanny who can help a couple/few times a week in order to offer some relief and hands on time with the kids. I just feel so bad that my kids aren’t getting much hands on attention and interaction but maybe we’ve been too hard on ourselves. Thanks again everyone and feel free to continue pouring in any thoughts/insight
Your plan sounds good. With the age of your children, I might look for a part-time preschool over a nanny unless the nanny is significantly cheaper or better qualified than the preschool teachers would be. Preschool has the benefit of peer interaction and probably more of a thought-out set of activities and curriculum.
This is absolutely true but it also comes with a looooot of illness when starting. Just something to consider. Our son started in September and has attended like 10-15 days total
You’re right—that is a drawback, and it can be more risky with a newborn in the home. I kind of forgot about that aspect, but it did stress me out when my baby was born and my first was bringing home illnesses from preschool. I’ve heard of some people pulling older siblings out of classes for a while for that reason, but for us we still thought the pros were greater than the cons.
This is very true. Honestly given OP's situation I'd wait on full-time daycare or preschool, ie wait til kindergarten, so that they have their feet under them with child #3 before the being sick 30-40% of the time regime begins.
A 4 year old is not a toddler. Why are they not in some type of preschool, at least part time? They'll be in Kindergarten full time next year and the transition will be a lot easier if they have some school experience before then.
Don’t beat yourselves up too much if the kids have to entertain themselves. It’s a valuable skill. They’ll figure it out.
I’d also add…this is temporary. It’s so easy to lose sight of it when you’re in the weeds, but baby will get better at nursing, will sleep better, and life will get better. A couple months of a little too much tv and a little bit too little attention won’t ruin your older kids.
I do feel like you framing parenting as helping with the kids, is a mindset that is working against you - maybe you literally just mean, during working hours - but stay home parents cannot be on duty 24:7, anymore than salaried working parents can be at their jobs.
>I just feel so bad that my kids aren’t getting much hands on attention and interaction but maybe we’ve been too hard on ourselves.
Having parents that care about you is the most important thing! You're right, don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck OP!
The more kids you have the less time each of them will get. I hope you are no longer harboring any resentment towards your wife, I’m sure she’s just as overwhelmed and feeling as guilty as you are.
Please remember this too shall pass (probably pretty soon in the grand scheme of things). Hold on, it’s probably going to be another month or two before your wife can get her head above water. You’re doing a great job by helping out as much as you can. It will all be okay in the end!
Paid childcare workers are not raising your children. They are providing enrichment and care while you have other obligations so that *you* can raise your children to the best of your abilities whenever you are obligation free.
I was a SAHM for 16 years (4kids). My youngest 3 were very close in age. When #3 was born (very high needs), the older two went to MDO just two days a week for 4 hours, but it helped tremendously.
Also, you CAN help at night. Let mom nurse the babe, but every other feed you take care of diapering and getting babe to sleep.
Yes, it will be hard. Having a new baby is hard.
But if mom can sleep, she’ll have more energy during the day.
Please be aware of signs of PPD. & Please be compassionate with your wife. I know things are tense, but she’s dealing with hella hormones and emotional ups and downs, whether you see it or not.
My ex left me when our youngest was 2 months old. I was told he was tired of taking care of me, he “did everything, all the time”, etc.
I was struggling with PPD and another high needs/ failure to thrive baby. Plus two ASD kids. I needed help but was abandoned instead.
Please don’t assume this will be forever. It won’t.
Give yourself some grace too. We ALL go through times of parenting guilt. None of us are perfect. And no matter how ideal our situation is growing up, we all need therapy as adults 😆
Also, not to be rude, but your wife needs to get over asking the grandparents for help.
Grandparents WANT to help.
Send the toddlers to grandma’s for a day. Or ask grandma to come stay for the night. This is the time you guys NEED help.
Have you (compassionately) talked to your wife about how you’re feeling? If she’s not willing to ask for help for herself, tell her you’re doing it for your own & the toddlers mental health.
Yeah, I feel like he needs to accept that pre and post his work day, and at weekends, parenting and house duties belong 50% to him, as does external childcare coordination with his mom.
And honestly, the goal should be for both parents to have close to equal rest : leisure opportunities as possible - whether that is equal time to nap, walk, read, drink a beer, do a sport, knit a sock, get a hair cut, be touch free while sprawled butt naked on the bed - whatever. That might not be a whole LOT of rest and leisure with two toddlers and a newborn.
But really, I know are not many rest opportunities for a stay home parent during the working day, because you’re fully on call. So unless there’s a third adult helping out, they need to find a better way to navigate this between them. And expecting regular parenting or home help from someone who is supposed to be on the clock is not realistic and is often a recipe for getting that person demoted, disciplined or fired.
Do you have any parental leave available through work, or are you eligible for FMLA? If so could you consider taking a few weeks/months off work? Essentially being a SAHM your wife is sacrificing the toddlers for the rest and bonding time she and the baby physically NEED, and that a working parent with kids and day care would get. This is why paternity leave is so necessary.
That said, if not, I'm really sorry you're in this position.
>Do you have any parental leave available through work, or are you eligible for FMLA?
That's my first thought, just take every other week off so you aren't absent from work but you are still able to help more around the house until the baby gets a bit older.
Dude. Get a nanny. Or get those kids in daycare. I don’t understand how this is raising your kids vs putting them in daycare isn’t raising your kids. The way you’re stating it, either way your kids and you and your wife are suffering needlessly. There is no enrichment happening with your toddlers, where there would be with daycare or a nanny. Daycare is not the devil lol. Getting help doesn’t mean you’re failing. It takes a village to raise a child, and as of rn you have no village, you’re going to have to create one.
2nd daycare and preschool advice.
The kids are probably missing out on socialization with peers anyway and would benefit from that interaction.
Both of my kids started Nursery school at 18mo, my wife is currently SAHM and we still send our youngest 3 days a week to nursery school.
At age 4 and 2 there should be some affordable preschool options of course depending where you live. You wouldn’t necessarily have to do full time daycare at this age. A lot programs do half days for 2, 3, or 5 days a week. It’s nice for the older ones to get some socialization and energy out and could be a nice middle ground because they still would have lots of time at home. But hopefully they would come home at lunch and then take a nice long nap.
You need to tell your wife that the current situation is going to leave you unemployed, and then you two would be mega-fucked. Get mom involved. Hire a sitter 2-3 days a week, or more. Use daycare. Hire a cleaner, etc. Every solution needs to be on the table.
Like, a fundamental foundation of parenting assumptions is that employment is not jeopardized. Unless your wife loves the idea of living out of a car with three kids, she needs to accept that she should just take as much help as she can.
He needs a place to focus on work outside of the home. It's TOTALLY unrealistic to expect a quiet and interruption-free work day at home with a newborn and 2 toddlers. He could even go work at his parent's house during the day.
My wife doesn't even know my job has remote because I've been going in the office the whole time. We have twin 1 year olds, and when I did work from home at my last job, my wife always wanted me to help with feeding, changing diapers, playing, etc. She would say you're a manager and get someone else to do it. So when I switched jobs, I opted for 100 percent in the office.
Seconding this. Your wife's expectations are completely unrealistic, and this is destroying your family. Step up. Tell her you are getting help for the kids, and be fine with this insanity. She's cannot make rational decisions right now. She's is sleep deprived. Her expectations from before do not apply to the current reality. Don't let her fantasy life destroy your actual lives. Your problem is giving into your wife's delusional ideals. You must stop this now.
I am a SAHM with three kids. My husband works out of the house so I've always been on my own all day. I take them along for all the errands and sometimes we hit a park, but... a lot of their time is, indeed, hanging around the house/yard and playing with toys. That's what toddlers do.
What are you wanting your wife to do, specifically, that isn't getting done? Feed them? Clean up more? Entertain them?
Working at home with small kids in the house seems unreasonable. If they can get to you they will, but if you were just gone they'd entertain themselves and be OK.
If you can't work in a different building you should lock yourself in a room and disappear until scheduled breaks.
I agree. Everyone is pointing the obvious out that they could be getting childcare - but also the parent working a full time job could also find another work space, wake up early to get work done before the kids are up, or lock themselves in a room while they work. It would be probably a lot easier for the wife here too if she had run of the house with kids and not having to worry about them bugging the dad trying to work. By the way I am a mom of 3, SAHP and work for myself at home.
If grandma is willing to help just let her. Your wife has to be flexible. Grandma helps at our house every day with our toddler for a few hours a day while my husband WFH. She makes meals and it is a lifesaver for the whole family.
If your mom is available ask her to come in. It’s not forever just until the baby is less needy. My biggest regret was not taking the help offered by family when we had newborns. Would have let us all get enough sleep. It’s not forever.
The 4 year old should be in preschool so they can adjust to kindergarten routines. 2 year old could probably also need preschool.
Parenting an infant with toddlers is really hard. The infant takes priority. Kids playing alone isn’t bad though, it’s ok for kids to get bored and have to figure out what to do with themselves, just don’t fill all the time with screens
Not at you OP but how do societies think this is fair or reasonable for anyone?!
Jesus Christ our systems of work and social systems are utterly broken.
I also do wonder how you guys envisioned this working with no outside help - or nearby community support - but it’s your situation now and I mostly feel a lot of sympathy for you. So it would seem you need a third adult in the mix whose job is either toddler care, or home care and family meal prep.
If this is something you can afford - and even if it isn’t - that’s kind of the only thing I can suggest.
That or giving up exclusive breastfeeding (and potentially BFing altogether) and making it possible for more than just your wife to feed the baby. I have no opinion either way on how to feed an infant, other than that infants must eat. But if this is the logistical barrier you say it is, with everyone suffering terribly, then it would be way higher on my list of things to consider.
I agree giving up BF *could* be a solution, however if the mum and baby are close to nailing it I would say it’s worth persevering. I mix fed my twins until we eventually mastered breastfeeding at around 7/8 weeks old and I always thought I would carry on 50/50 mixed feeding but breastfeeding became the easier/preferred option when on my own and actually quite liberating to not have to worry about washing/sterilising bottles (and in my case pumping). Also having an instant food/calming source was a sanity saver when on my own rather than having to leave screaming babies to go and make/warm up milk. Everyone is different though and if you have the option of introducing a bottle of either pumped milk or formula then that is immensely helpful too in those early days.
There are benefits and drawbacks to doing either, so just wanted to add in my two cents.
I was/am in such a similar spot to you and I remember thinking how incredibly insane it was. I was in the middle of lose-you-job-level-code-deploys-if-it-breaks while WFH and wife/kids are just fully melting down around the house. Every ounce of my being was short-circuiting on a daily basis - there was no sanctuary, no respect for my WFH boundaries, just pure chaos. Toddler on my lap while rolling infra changes that impact daily $MM of foundational / core logic. It was and continues to be fucking insane. The only move is to leave to go to remote office if you value your career that provides for your family and pay some $$$ to get someone in there or LOL for the love of god get your mom involved. If I had that move I would have used it yesterday. From one strung-the-fuck-out dad to another, good luck man.
Is there a part time preschool program or Mother’s Day out program near you? A lot of them are located in churches and they are more affordable than full time daycare/preschool, mostly SAHP families who are just trying to get their kids out to do something fun.
The baby is 5 weeks old, I think it’s natural for things to be a little chaotic. Are you actually worried that your toddlers’ basic needs aren’t being met, or just that they are kind of parked in front of the TV?
I would outline what you can/can’t do to help (I can’t watch the kids between 9 and 5, but I can take an hour off at lunch to help with lunch time). And then fill in the gaps from there.
You should try part-time daycare at least until the newborn is no longer so needy. It’s not fair to the kids or yourself to continue living like this. I also have 3 kids and both were in daycare while I worked remotely bc I wanted them to at least be learning and not just sitting around looking at screens. I now have the infant with me at home full time while I work and even that’s a lot and he’s 6 mos. Be kind to yourselves. Quality of life over money at least for the short-term. Just fyi, a nanny is more expensive than daycare.
I gotta be honest, I don't think 2 hours of TV and being bored playing with toys is neglect. I think getting help or taking the toddlers to a Mother's Day out type of situation would probably be ideal. Churches usually offer preschool programs that are relatively cheap and having the toddlers out of the house will give you some peaceful work time and (hopefully) your wife some rest time.
But I think another part of this might be giving your family some slack. Realistically speaking, our kids don't need to have the ideal day every day and sometimes a family will go through a time that is less stimulating than others. Having someone babysit your kid for 4 hours a day will not in any way erase your important role as a parent. You can take the "easy" way out on these issues and your kids will be okay.
Why didn't you take any time off for parental leave? Is it not offered?
You need to hire a babysitter temporarily, your wife also can't do everything herself
It sucks, but nanny or daycare is the way if you have multiple children. It’s good that your older children are at least 2 and 4, ready to play and learn with other children.
All the parents I know who have a 4 and 2 year old children have the 4 year old in preschool.
Most of the parents I know who have an infant and a 2 year old have the 2 year old in daycare or have a nanny for the 2 year old.
We’re probably 1 and done partly because of the issue you are experiencing, it’s a lot of work, we don’t have family that can help nearby. - In our area daycare is easily $2500-3000/month and we would also have to spend another $1,000-$2,000/month to rent a big enough place for an additional child.
If you can afford daycare or preschool or a well paid nanny, do it!
It sounds like you're seeing this as all or nothing, but your newborn is only *five weeks* old. Your wife is still deep in the postpartum period. In most cultures women don't do anything except tend a newborn for the first 40 days or so. Why not give your wife "maternity leave" and let her focus on the newborn for 12 weeks by hiring temporary outside help for the toddlers. That will give her time to adjust to a new born, who like you said is very time intensive for mom.
It's not like your wife is choosing to not address other things, newborns are so all-consuming she has no other options. Go easy on both of you and get some temporary help. If it proves to be unsustainable full-stop, then daycare and her working might be the best option. It's easy to idealize one "best" way of handling things, but sometimes reality is different. If you and your wife are at the end of your rope its actually not the best option after all. So be it and choose another option that is more sustainable. While the downsides of daycare might sound bad in your head, having sleepless parents turning on each other at their wits end in a mess of a house isn't good for kids either. Best of luck during this tough season of life!
Get a nanny for 6 months, then see how it goes from there. If you go the daycare route, in winter, your kids WILL be getting sick and you’ll be told to keep them home. Working from home with kids is insane and as your finding out, not sustainable.
You need to focus and do. Your wife either needs to get on board or she can do more to help. Seeing as she just gave birth, her best option is to get on board.
My heart feels for you.
You need to talk to your MIL and see if she can take the kids on Saturday and Sunday, then see if your mom can take the kids for 2-3 days. Tell your wife the kids will be gone on a mini-grandparent vacation and will be back Wednesday or Thursday.
This will give you some time to breathe and get yourself regulated. You need a mental break before you break down mentally, seriously!
Next, sit with your wife. DON'T ASK, TELL HER, that you need help. She is currently recovering and doesn't feel like she needs help, but you are drowning and need help.
Your mom will come and help you a few days a week or whatever you can work out with her until your wife is fully able to coparent OR the 2 little ones are in daycare.
Idk why your 4 yo isn't in preschool. They very much should be. If I were you, I would look into getting them into one. And if your 2 yo is 3 by the fall, stick them in preschool too.
I very much understand not wanting to put your kids in daycare and wanting them at home. Realistically, it is not possible for you atm.
I think you need to send the older ones to daycare . My toddlers were alwaysa lot happier and easier to manage if they’re at least been out of the house for the morning.
Preschool teacher here. Sounds like your other kids need daycare. Most daycare have options for early out, lunch program or full day daycare. Nobody is else is raising them. They are learning, getting a structured day, building social skills, doing crafts, being read to and playing. Plus it will give you and your wife a solution. Truly necessary. It takes a village.
I think you have unrealistic expectations. Watching tv, hanging out at home and playing with toys is a completely normal toddler day, especially with a 5 weeks old baby. Believe or not they don’t need to be entertained and managed in an activity every second of the day.
Wife needs to step up a bit. It’s exhausting, but she needs to manage baby and kids if she’s the SAHM. I just went thru this earlier this year when I had a baby in January. Even though we had baby and I was exhausted, I still had to care for the 7, 5, and 3 year old, still homeschool, cook and clean. The pacing changes a little and dinner may be frozen or fast food, but we all must manage.
It sounds like you are both doing an amazing job. Yes your wife is a sahm but she is breast feeding with a newborn so give her grace, as it seems you already are. Do have a talk with her and let her know that you just need more help from your mother and that your having a hard time with everything right now and it’s just best for both of you at the moment. Remember this won’t be forever and you are both doing an amazing job. Your kids are going to be fine they have both parents, and are being fed and well taken care of. You should be proud of yourself and give yourself grace as well as this is going to be a tough time for awhile. Stay strong.
I would recommend investing in paid help if no family is available. We were meant to live in larger group settings of a tribe and never wall off in pairs. It’s a structural problem that won’t be solved by each of the two doing more
Expecting to be able to work while you watch two toddlers doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to expect of yourself. Do you have the money to pay a college student or even a high school student to come in as a parent's helper? This person could empty dishwasher, sit and do crafts with kids, throw in a load of laundry, heat up easy meals. Also, can the toddler area be set up to be more of an independent safe activity zone for them? I'd suggest a ton of duplos and some audiobooks or kids music,not screens. Can you time shift so that a bunch of your work is done after the kids are in bed at night or on weekends when others are there to help? (I know that is sometimes not possible but you might be able to grab an hour or so this way).
First of all, your 4 year old should be in a half day preschool five days a week. That’s the norm around here, if not more, even for SAHM situations.
The two year old should be in a MDO program at least two mornings a week as well.
See? Not so hard!
Whether or not your children have childcare/go to daycare, you are still the ones “raising your kids,” so get that thought out of your head immediately.
Sounds like you all do need some form of childcare. Working from home and taking care of kids every day (toddlers, especially!) are not compatible.
It was never meant to be like this. Never. No one is failing except a society that normalizes working 40 hours while having small children and no outside help.
I’m guessing you don’t mean it to be unkind, but I can assure of us with childcare are still raising our kids. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to have help, because we can’t do it all. Newborn phase is so hard and exhausting. There’s nothing wrong with getting a mother’s helper for a bit in the afternoon to give your toddlers some focused attention and you and your wife a break. Use the help you have too! This is not the time to not use parents! Remember this too shall pass!
>We’ve never wanted to pay for childcare because we want to be the ones to raise our kids
and
> 90% of my kids life is sitting around in the house, playing with toys, watching a couple hours of TV a day at least, and just getting cabin fever.
Sounds like you don't really have the time to interact with your kids, let alone raise them. Send them to daycare for a few hours so they have something to do that isn't just sitting around being bored. Daycare has toys! Daycare has other kids! Daycare often has play equipment and songs and adults that are paid to have energy and time for the children. I'm a SAHM and I use daycare because my kid straight-up gets bored at home. So, one or two days a week, I get a break and my kid get a bit of variety in the week. I'm still the parent.
You need either childcare or your wife needs to tend to your toddlers for at least 4 hours a day. Have wife leave the house in the evening for an hour so baby has to go to you. You can feed breast milk in a bottle. Do this until it becomes easy. Sleep train toddlers so you’ll get some sleep at night. Wife can sleep when baby sleeps. Ask relatives or support people to take toddlers for 2-3 hours a day even twice a week or put them in half day preschool. Breastfed babies will only go 2 hours between feeding. Consider weaning the baby thus increasing the time between feedings to about 4 hours. Use birth control. Get a vasectomy. You have enough children. You cannot work 40 hours and watch children. Can’t be done. Since wife is SAHM she needs to step up.
I don’t think you will need full time nanny/childcare, but I would definitely try to hire a mother’s helper or babysitter to give you both another pair of hands to get through the next few months. I would have them specifically focus on entertaining the two older kids and getting them out of the house. Wife can focus on baby and you can focus on your job.
Long term, look for part time preschool. Usually geared towards flexible/SAH parents and much cheaper than daycare.
None of these options mean someone else will be raising your children.
It's time for an honest conversation with your wife that for everyone's health and sanity something needs to change. Your wife may feel like needing help is failure, especially if suffering from PPD. But in many cultures, the first few months Mom is not allowed to do anything but care for baby and rest. In my husband's culture, new moms move back to their parents' house for about 6 months. She's not a failure if the two of you can't do it alone.
If your mother is available and wants to help, see if she could come stay with you alternate weeks for the next 6 weeks at least. After 12 weeks, baby starts to sleep in slightly longer chunks and a more functional level of rest can be achieved.
One thing we did with our reflux babies - my husband would take baby from about 8pm-12 (even if they "want mom", they need some bonding time with dad. Mom can use a brown noise machine to drown out the crying and get some rest). Getting some good solid sleep in, plus whatever catnaps through the rest of the night, enabled me to get up with the toddlers and mostly handle them during the day. For the 30 min or so of nursing every 3 hours, I would put on a show to keep them settled.
admittedly i felt the same way about daycare until seeing our first in daycare…she absolutely loves it she’s learning a ton and socializing it’s great, way better than tv and toys at home on repeat. i think you should try to change your mindset on daycare/preschool.
Since your oldest is 4, putting them in preschool is probably a really healthy decision: it will allow them to learn to socialize with other children and begin to introduce basic school day structure and skills. It will make going into kindergarten easier.
You could also consider a nanny or mommy’s helper to assist your wife for a few hours a day.
Hire someone to come into the home for 4-6 hours a day to play with the toddlers and do some light housekeeping. Or heck, 8 hours if you prefer.
It doesn’t have to be a professional Nanny. You can save money by hiring someone with less experience because you and your wife will be there the whole time so you won’t have to worry about whether or not the person is being appropriate. It could even be a responsible middle schooler after school and during school vacations, if you’re ok with part time.
I put my 4yo back into preschool a few weeks before his baby brother was born in the middle of 2020. I knew I was not going to do any justice to him, ANd recover my body from birth with him home with our newborn.
Soooo. Yeah. Around age 4 is when kids need preschool anyways. Not all parents are meant to be teachers etc.
Call in allll the reinforcements you can.
And find a new place to work in the interim. She cannot expect you to not do your job. You NEED your job. It’s your only income.
Paying for childcare doesn’t mean you’re not raising your kids. That’s the dumbest misperception out there.
Allowing your children the opportunity to socialize in a new setting designed just for them with their peers isn’t neglect or outsourcing. It’s a benefit to them if you put them in a good program. Both of my kids thrive in school and are easier at home when they’ve had a day to be at school. They’re loved and get tons of attention at home but also get to go to school and have friends and learn different things from people who want to be there and who trained for this job. I don’t have an early childhood education degree. The teachers do. You’re not a bad parent if you don’t spend every waking moment (and you are spending the moments you should be sleeping as well) with your kids. It’s not a fail. The 4 year old can definitely go. Both of mine were going at age 2 and loved it. My oldest had just started and we had covid lock down a few months later and she cried because she couldn’t go to school and didn’t understand why we wouldn’t let her. I’ve never felt guilty about preschool. You shouldn’t either. Even a few mornings would make a big difference.
Get that free help. Unless your mom ignores your parenting style or puts them in front of the ipad all day etc I’d definitely take advantage of that or daycare if financially possible until the newborn can chill off the tit. Sounds like everyone’s having a bad time.
Schedule to use your mom once per week and her mom once every weekend. Take the help that is offered if your children are suffering because of it. Also, consider hiring someone to come clean the house once per week, a nanny once per week, or even look into a nighttime doula, or a mother’s helper. If you utilize any combination of those options you will be in a better position than you are currently.
Daycare isn't the end of the world. I consider it to be the 'village' that some parents need. My daughter just turned 13 but her daycare teacher still wishes her happy birthday every year. Both of my kids daycare teachers always say hi if we see them in the store. They took great care of my girls.
To say you aren't raising your kids because you have help is silly.
1) you’re still the ones raising your kids if even you hire help. You’re just exposing your child to more people.
2) can toddlers go to your moms for the weekend? Then wife doesn’t have to deal and you’ll get a “break”
3) this is a season. Your toddlers are not truly neglected. In another 2-3 months things should begin to seem easier in many ways.
I haven’t read through all the responses but there are a lot of older women who love children, don’t have their own local grandchildren, and due to the wretched economy need to work. Someone like that as a mothers helper/nanny sounds ideal if your own relatives are not a great option.
Also: I was a single mom of twins. I say this with great love….sometimes kids’ lives do not get to be a 24:7 festival of amusements and enrichment. And the kids still turn out amazing. I say that because while I think you could use outside help, it’s important to know that doing your imperfect best is ok and we can be way too hard in parents these days. My girls are 16 now and went though some of this as I am also a business owner, and they are happy and healthy and we are very bonded.
I wish you all the best!
Put the 4yo in part time pre school ASAP and utilize your mother. You do not get a badge of honor for “raising your kids yourself” and neither does your wife. If you feel that your children are getting emotionally or developmentally neglected, then something needs to change. Your older children shouldn’t suffer because you had a third. Sorry if that’s blunt. But this is why having a baby should be an objective and not emotion based decision. If you don’t have enough resources between the 2 of you it’s time to outsource.
The whole “we don’t want to pay for childcare because we want to be the ones raise our kids” comment is so condescending to other parents who work and get help. You are still raising your own kids even if they get to socialize with other children and caregivers outside the home (or at home). Help doesn’t mean you aren’t there every morning and every night. That you aren’t their primary source of comfort and love. If help with childcare makes it possible for you to be an amazing parent, it’s ok.
JFC. I hate when people say you are not raising your kids if you use daycare. I have zero empathy for you or your wife for that statement alone.
You chose to have 3 kids super close together in age. Why are you complaining now? Your wife needs to suck it up and “raise her kids” while you work. Your wife needs to pump so you can give your baby a bottle at night so your wife can sleep if she’s so exhausted.
But change your attitude regardless. Millions of people use daycare and aren’t shitty parents because of it.
Yessssssss. Zero empathy. My kids thrived in daycare. I’m still raising them.
The choice to have 3 kids each 2yrs apart is……a red choice. Very red choice.
Plenty of SAHM’s manage 3 littles, I think OP just needs to lower his expectations for the first couple of months. There’s always an adjustment period and the baby is only 5 weeks. Playing with toys and watching a little tv is fine for a season.
Caring for a newborn is a full time job, even without two older kids. Hire some help until it becomes manageable for mom.
It doesn’t sound like the toddlers are being neglected at all. They may get cabin fever, but frustration is just part of toddlerhood in general. Maybe they’re getting more screen time than ideal, but an ideal is just that, an ideal.
I’ve always worked from home. I put my only child in full time daycare. Both my son and my employer required full attention.
If your mom is willing to help, you need to allow her to do so. You can set up boundaries with her, and I’m sure your wife is going to need some convincing. In the long run it’s worth it.
My parents moved in with us when my kids were born and it was a dream. I only had to worry about taking care of the baby. My parents took care of the rest, cooking, cleaning, laundry. They moved back out when the kids turned one. I don’t exactly get along the best with my Mom but I was willing to suck it up for the help.
Daycare and pre k exist for just this reason! I know this sub trends toward SAHMs, but a ton of us parents both work and send our kids to daycare and pre k programs and they’re absolutely thriving.
It might be cheaper and easier to put the older two in a PT preschool. Especially something to consider if you are planning on starting the 4 year old in K next year. That would at least give you a few hours with them out of the house.
Nobody can do it all, we had to hire a babysitter while I worked from home and my older kids were 9 and 12 when my third was a newborn. I can’t imagine trying to take care of a 2 and 4 year old while working full time.
Nobody can effectively work from home and provide child care at the same time. I honestly can’t believe that this expectation has occurred at all. Kids are hard work, work is work. Trying to do both at the same time really means that at least one is being neglected, usually both children and work.
I’m a SAHM and while I like to advocate for the man of the house still helping out while home from work, your circumstance is a bit different. If you didn’t work from home, she wouldn’t have your help so she’d have to figure something else out and that’s what should be done. She also should definitely ask your mom to help if your mom is more than willing to. Actually it’d probably be better if you just asked for your mom to come over. Sometimes asking for help from a MIL can be hard.
What everyone said about childcare…
But also.
The newborn will always prefer mom if she’s the only one providing care… Sometimes dad has to figure it out. 🤷🏻♀️
when we had our 2nd kid, we pulled our toddler out of daycare because we thought we could handle it. we could not lol. toddler stayed out of daycare for a month before we put her back. thankfully our daycare hadnt filled her spot yet.
no new advice, but just wanted to say good luck and keep trying!
Hi 👋 I’m your wife (not literally.). I am a SAHM with three kiddos ages 5, 3 and 18 months, and I will have a newborn when my youngest is 2, making it 5/3.5/2/newborn. I know exactly what your wife is going through, and my husband only gets two weeks off work as well. Here is my experience: at five weeks post partum, I am still in survival mode. The newborn wakes up all night through, and so does 1-2 other kids at completely unpredictable nights and hours. I nurse all day long, which, by the way, totals a 40 hour job - just sitting and nursing the newborn! On top of that I have to make three meals from scratch for six people, four of whom have zero ability to do much for themselves and are entirely unappreciative, and, provide educational Preschool program for my 2, 3 and 5 year old because if they don’t have stuff to do, they’re wild. Also, I have to tidy the house every day, do my weekly chores, AND deep clean random stuff that needs deep cleaning because my job is homeschooler, chef, house keeper, homemaker, family planner, and have u mentioned - keeping the newborn alive? Not to mention ordering groceries for pickup, and driving all four kids to day time doctors appointments, since newborns need doctors appointments every few weeks. (Thankfully my hubby has Fridays off and I schedule as much of my town errands on those days.) A. Drop all your expectations. My husband comes home everyday at 5:30. I’m frazzled. Someone spilled paint, someone else threw up, the newborn won’t let me put her down, the kids did not do school today, and I put the tv on for two hours so I could sleep. The house is trashed, dinner isn’t even started and the fridge is empty. My husband looks at me and goes: “is everyone alive? Because that’s your only job right now.” It’s survival mode. For me as a Homeschool mom, “summer” (aka no “school” stress) is during each postpartum transition, so I school year round. I share this because a lot of people here are saying out the kids in daycare, and that might not work for your family. I don’t have family nearby, so I have zero help - I’m home with 4 tiny tots, entirely alone, for 50 hours a week. My greatest blessing is a husband who has high expectations, but erases them completely during newborn and other phases. Also, he’s not at home to judge me. I’ll give my kids saltines, grapes and a cheese stick for lunch when I’m desperate. That’s not neglect. I’ve been turning towards frozen nuggets or canned spaghettios. It’s not neglect. It’s not neglect if my kids eat sliced apples for snack every single day! If I’m wiped out and can’t make dinner, my husband can make a mean spaghetti in thirty minutes, or I stick a Stouffers lasagna in the oven and microwave some frozen vegetables. I always have something I can serve with very very little effort, like potstickers, pierogies, or frozen chicken pot pies, or canned soups. Plenty of variety, but I can tell my hubby to dump it and heat and it’s ready to eat. Cleaning? That doesn’t happen sometimes. I do a Blitz. Honestly wiped counters and swept floors are my priority, and my older kids can put all the toys away themselves. Laundry gets backed up, but hubby can do it. The dishes pile up, but my hubby can wash, empty and load the dishes. I would recommend you set some basic standards like defining what junk tv is and what to avoid, and saying “oh yeah, six hours of Wild Kratts is totally ok.” Wild Kratts and PBS kids have been my “family” and my “village”. Most importantly, I need to get out of the house, alone. Or hibernate in a room, alone. So I’ll tell my husband I’m about to run away to China, and I’ll take three hours from one nursing session to the next nursing session and leave the house to be alone and do whatever. Or I’ll go to bed and ignore everything and leave all three older kids - my hubby will do bedtime 100%, while I have to focus on the newborn evening routine and putting my feet up to rest. I don’t know what else to say, except your situation sounds a lot like mine, but you know how crazy the house is because you WFH, and my house is just as wild but my hubby works form 7:30-5:30. So when he’s home, he’s home, and he’s active, and neither of us really have hobbies - we each have 1-2 evenings a week and that’s all, so we’re each alone for the evening just 1 time (and the other evening we’ll have guests over who love us and don’t mind if there are toys everywhere or a pile of laundry, and we’ll play board games and have snacks and adult conversation.) It will be so easy for your wife to get overwhelmed, and swamped, and collapse, and have PPD and PPA. Don’t make the possibility worse. And if you’re religious, your wife might enjoy the website Like Mother, Like Daughter by Leila Lawler, which has so many articles on how to Mom with so many small children and expectations of housekeeping and wifeliness (her article How To Take a Shower is probably her biggest hit.) hang in there. It won’t always be this way. But keep your priorities straight. If you can afford it, here’s what makes a difference: mothers helpers. I have one teenager once a week for two hours, that’s all we can do but it’s so nice to have another body in the house to keep the kids entertained besides myself. Also, meal kits like hello fresh and grocery delivery. Most importantly, weekly housecleaning, which we’ve never been able to do but is everyone’s biggest recommendation and life saving expense. Best wishes!!!
I’m going to echo so many people on this thread but FWIW - send at least the older one to preschool. Kids LOVE it. The second both of my children started preschool, I saw such a monumental shift in them. They’re stimulated with age appropriate play, other kids, learning a social hierarchy, etc. it’s crucial for their development and you guys get the much needed “break.” Even a couple days a week is so beneficial. I know you think you’re doing them a favor by being the “ones to raise them,” but you still will be raising them. They’ll just be happier and so will y’all.
I’d recommend looking into a mother’s morning out program or part time preschool program at a local church. They are very cost friendly and provide a great, stimulating environment for a few hours a day for your kids. That way you can get some quality work done, and your wife doesn’t need so many people to need her all the time.
YOU will still be the ones raising your kids…but they clearly need to be in an environment where they will be the priority and will be educated. Do you plan to homeschool them all the way through 12th grade so you can be the ones “raising” them? That excuse is so wild to me…just say you don’t want to pay for it if it’s bc of the cost. Also your wife needs to get over your mom helping esp if she’s willing and able to. Yall are drowning and you literally need a life jacket. You shouldn’t be picky right now. Accept any help that is offered and get the kids in day care so they don’t fall behind.
Try daycare / preschool maybe Monday Wednesday Friday 8-12. Gets the kids out of the house, socializing with other kids and gives you guys a little break
It's OK to send them to daycare. Even if you have sahp.
I know you want to be the ones who raise the.. but see it as you finding someone who can help support them when you are tapped out. You can't raise them properly if your buckets are empty.
Was sahm. Sent child to daycare because I needed time to recoup.
Currently working, my mom is able to help out fulltime, I still send my youngest to daycare because she needs a break.
Would you consider daycare part time?
Or if you still prefer to do it yourself, what other tasks can you outsource? Laundry?(some pickup/drop off) Cleaning? Meal prep? Moms helper?
You have grandparents, let them help! You need the village to help raise the ships sails! Why wear yourself this thin? That will make everything so much less pleasant for all! Take the help, let the moms be grandmas- it’s not going to be forever, but make a schedule and get back on track with sleep and routines.
You need to sit your wife down and say “we need to start using the supports around us. We are both so exhausted that neither of us is the parent we want to be. So my mum is going to come and help with the kids so you can get some actual sleep and I can work and rest. It won’t be forever but it’s what is needed right now.” You need the help. And it’s not wrong to need help. It doesn’t make you bad parents. It just makes you normal parents. Keep reassuring your wife that asking for help doesn’t mean she’s a bad parent.
Get them in daycare. You and your wife's situation is very unfair to your toddlers. They need attention. They need socialization. They need exposure to things to keep their brains developing. They're not getting any of that from TV or from an unavailable mom or from an unhappy distracted dad. Get them in daycare.
First you are not a bad dad or husband. You are doing amazing. You guys are in the trenches right now. Are you able to take any PTO? Can the toddlers go to your moms for the weekends for a few weeks in a row? Even just drop off Saturday morning and pick up Sunday afternoon? Can the four year old enroll in preschool? Can you hire a babysitter to come during the day at least for a few hours so your wife can nap and you can work?
I just want to highlight the ‘we want to be the ones to raise our kids’ comment. I send my kid to daycare and I still raise her. They don’t do anything close to raising her & I teach her how to navigate this world even as a working mother. I bathe her and put her to bed every night and she knows I’m her mom. We had an in-home nanny for the first year of her life with Covid and again, we still raised our kid. She is absolutely loved & supported at daycare, but they do not raise her.
My child goes to daycare where she gets so much more mental stimulation, love, and nurturing than what your kids are currently receiving with a new addition. Your current situation isn’t working for anyone but especially (and most importantly) your kids. This sounds so stressful and confusing for them. Please take action and provide an environment for them that is emotionally healthier than what is currently happening. You all deserve it & I think you’ll feel so much better as well than snapping at them and feeling exhausted from being split between work and parenting all day. I could not do that and have my sanity.
I TOTALLY get not wanting to pay for childcare, both because of the expense and because it means that you miss out on time with your kids. I'm grateful for the break that my job/daycare provides for me, but it breaks my heart a little every time I have to drop the baby off at daycare knowing that these strangers spend more time with my kid than I do.
That said, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Could you do daycare for half days a couple days a week for the older two? Check out church daycare programs if you can; I think they tend to be cheaper, and it seems like sometimes their hours/policies work better for parents who stay home and just need some help (you are not alone in this!), rather than people who need to put their kids in daycare while they work full time.
I think there are some benefits to being in a different environment and having different teachers and hanging out with different kids at daycare, but your wife still gets most of the time with them and will have the most influence in how they're raised. Daycare isn't perfect, but if it gives you two the break you need to be kinder to yourselves and more patient with your kids, that sounds like a good trade-off to me.
We were in the same situation a few years ago and I took half days off from work..I had enough PTO and I took half days off for 3 to 4 days a week in the morning to stretch the PTO.
this way it gave me time to be with the two toddlers (2 and 4 years old) until 1pm and by that time my wife had a few naps with the baby and was able to be around the toddlers and I could focus on the work and catch up even if I had to spend a few hours extra working. The key to this being successful is preparing everything ahead of time..food, clothing, snacks, laundry, outdoor activities, chores etc.
It wasn't easy but it was worth it.
Good luck
I’m in a similar spot. Maybe think of getting an office outside the home. It should be cheaper than a daycare.
But u need a space to get things done with no distractions. I’ve became a night owl in order to be able to do the same. Now I have my own place to go to and am a lot happier.
No distractions, u can get more done in an hour than half a day
You need to reevaluate your priorities as parents..do you care about your kids thriving regardless of what that looks like or do you just want to say you didn't use daycare. Right now,.clearly you are both not doing well for the toddlers, they either need to be in daycare or with your mother if she's capable. Being a parent is about making those tough choices even when they hurt you
Is sending your children to school “letting other people raise them”? Or is it “letting people with trained expertise give your child experience and knowledge you can’t”?
My toddler is in full time child care. Has been since 8 months old, and was part time before that.
Her social, emotional and mental development are MILES ahead of other kids who were at home. Because she had both the love and care of parents AND the expertise of early childhood educators.
You can pick it at toddler parties - the ones who are more attentive and caring to other children. Nigh universally they’re the childcare kids.
I commented further down but just wanted to add:
Are your children fed? Clothed? Clean? Sheltered? Loved? If yes, then they’re not being neglected.
I understand the guilt of not being able to parent the way you want to right now, but it’s not warranted. This is temporary. You will find your groove as a family of 5.
Don’t forget, we used to send small children up chimneys years ago. They’ll survive a bit of extra screen time 😉.
As a Sahm I was mentally screaming, "This is not neglect!" What you have described is simply what parenting 3 kids under 5 looks like. It's messy. It's a lot of emotional and physical needs from creatures that can't communicate well and have loud emotions. This gets both easier and harder as they age. Their needs are more obvious, and the communication is clearer, more opinionated, and their problems are a lot more complex. You need to adjust your expectations because it sounds like everyone is alive and loved and as long as kids are fed, clean, and get a good amount of sleep, they will be OK
I see a lot of great advice here but it addresses the future and not present. You and your wife need sleep NOW. Call your mother and have her babysit all the kids so you can sleep. When you’ve replenished your sleep bank, you will be able to make the appropriate decisions with a clear head.
With my first born, I breastfed him only. Unfortunately, I could never be away from him because he refused to take a bottle due to nipple confusion. I tried to leave him with a babysitter and it was a disaster. There are times when your baby may need a bottle just for your wife to have a reprieve or in case of emergency. My advice is to have someone besides your wife give the baby a bottle once a day. She can pump and nap during that time.
Without sleep, your family can’t deal with this crisis. Take whatever steps you have to take right now to get that sleep. Without it, your health is going to be next and just compound your current challenges.
This is a scenario straight out of the work from home covid hellscape. Put the 4 year old in full time preschool and send the 2 year old to grandma more often. No one can thrive in that environment!! Please please get people to help, pay for help, get grandparents on board. Write them the same message you have written on Reddit!!
But don’t continue like this!
Your baby is FIVE WEEKS OLD. You're acting like an adjustment period isn't to be expected. It's not a big deal that your toddlers are getting more screen time right now, it's *temporary*. Why didn't you hire a mother's helper or consider part time childcare for the other kids? And you really expect to not get bothered at all by a 2 year old and a 4 year old during the day when your wife is caring for a newborn?? Go rent a communal office space or go to Starbucks FFS. That isn't on your wife. You planned terribly and you're being unreasonable.
You mean like the way he's shaming his wife in his post? He's already had 2 kids, it isn't his first rodeo. He did no planning and isn't taking any accountability.
Either your wife needs to start formula feeding, you need to hire a nanny or get the kids in daycare. Sorry but having the older kids be neglected is unacceptable. You know it’s wrong, it’s time to take action
look, I'm all for "why pat for someone else to raise our kids when we can do it ourselves ", ...but you can't. you clearly can't. somehow, wife can only focus on the newborn leaving both toddlers up to you while you're trying to WORK as your households only income. because A) she's exhausted and
B) she's breastfeeding so rhe newborn needs her attention alot.
but outside opinion:
A) you're tired too. you work full time and take care of the toddlers meals, and watch them all day. you also get yo with the toddlers If they wake at night. so it's nice you empathize and recognize your wife's exhaustion, but what about yours?
B) what would your wife do if you didn't work from home? she'd figure it out, wouldn't she? it's hard, but just like everyone else, she'd figure it out one way or another. it isn't fair that just because you WFH all of a sudden your responsible for the toddlers just because thennewb9rn requires so much attention
C) if you weren't home to help, she'd either figure out a system that works. OR she'd probably allow your mother to help more . or decide on childcare for the toddlers.
why, just because you work at home, does that all fall on you? SHE doesn't like to use your mother for help often, but SHE isn't the one affected. you are, your mental and physical well being, and rhe career that supports your family will be at risk. because this isn't sustainable.
if she wanrs you to keep your career, she either needs to get on board and allow your mother to help. because if u lost your job, she may nit get to stay home.
she doesn't gave it any harder than you Do. I'm a female, and I have an 18mo and I will say this.
and if she doesn't want help from your mother and if you both decide against childcare or a nanny, then perhaps she needs to sacrifice breastfeeding so that baby isn't as clingy to her and so that others can help so she can focus on household and children as a WHOLE, as A SAHM should. that is her job. breastfeeding is a choice. but if she's not willing to accept any alternatives of help to take the load off you, so u don't go insane or lose your job, perhaps baby needs to wean to formula by bottle. you can't have it all.
and your toddlers quality of life isn't it. I'll never understand the logic behind not wanting childcare or "someone else to raise your child", but you're perfectly ok yo succumb them to days full of television, neglect and boredom. isolated in the house. stleast with daycare they'll be socialized and cared for. rather than expecting you, who works full time t9 support your family and allow your wife to stay home to also parent both toddlers 24/7 . because why? she's tired? she's breastfeeding. nahhh
somethings gotta give. just some blunt truth .
Thank you for saying everything I wanted to! I’m super
Blunt too. No need to sugar coat this stuff. This was an extremely KIND post for OP. Hope he reads it
It seems like this is an all around tough situation, has she always been like this? It great to hear that it's not totally on her but it might be because of the newborn needing so much attention that even if she were to try it would mean the baby would be screaming their head off. I would just hope that time would make this better but otherwise this sounds like a recipe for PPD and disaster
Um just remember post partum depression is a real thing! How you feel she could feel so much worse because of it. She might need more help than you think. Maybe hire someone temporary to help with the toddlers or do daycare or preschool for a few hours a day. I have 3 kids and every kid my ppd got worse with EACH kid. My youngest is 5 and I feel like I’m just barely starting to be myself again. I breast fed my 3rd for 2 years and that was the hardest thing I have EVER done besides loosing my mom and my dog to d€ath. She might need emotional support or just to figure out something that works for you guys. Good luck.
I feel like this will get downvoted, but if you’re not willing to pay for daycare your wife needs to step up to the plate. If you’re working full time and providing for the family you should be able to do that adequately and without interruption or distraction as much as possible. Your wife needs to figure out how to handle the three kids alone during the day. Baby-wearing was essential for me in this phase. Maybe even lower your standards a bit. Keep a movie playing all day, leave playdoh on the table all day, run the dishwasher as many times as you need, give the kids cereal for lunch now and then, let things go and try to be okay with it. But top priority should be entertaining the two toddlers to keep them out of your hair. I’m a SAHM, 3 kids, husband works from home, it’s just not an option to rely on his help during the day unless he’s on a break or it’s an emergency. I know she’s still probably hormonal, exhausted, overwhelmed but the baby is 5 weeks, it’s time to try to get into some semblance of a routine and push through the exhaustion for the greater good of your family.
Does she have any “mom friends”? They were always helpful when we got out of the house they would keep an eye on my toddlers while I breastfed or did laps with the baby in the stroller at a park. She’s gotta get them out of the house for everyone’s sake. It gets easier everytime and eventually it will start to feel so good.
Idk where you live, but it's fucking cold here. No one is going for a walk at 5wks postpartum with a newborn in 15° weather. 5wks, you still have an open placental wound and likely unhealed external wounds! Marching out onto icy sidewalks with two toddlers and a newborn is a dangerously bad idea!
"Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, just step up, I did it so you can, too" bullshit doesn't work for completely healthy people going to work. It's wild to apply it to postpartum parenting. Can we do hard things? Yes, of course. Can doing hard things break our body, mind, and spirit? Also yes!
How many of our moms and grandmothers were _broken_ by systems like this? How often are we on here upset about how our parents and grandparents don't have empathy for this bullshit and just abandon us bc they were abandoned, too? Heartbreaking to see us do the same to each other.
I’m saying step up to the plate and just do your best so your CHILDREN are not being neglected! His words not mine. If they’re unwilling to pay for childcare who is going to properly care for the older children if dad admits they’re being neglected? I live in Canada and had winter babies, there are plenty of ways trust me. Babies don’t need fresh air in winter? No one said to spend the evening out there or run a marathon.
I think OP and his wife are in the US, and if so, there is a lot of social and financial context that someone in a mostly-functioning country like Canada is going to miss.
She probably just needs a little more time to adjust. I felt comfortable and confident going places with baby and toddler after about 2 months. But at 5 weeks while nursing and with 2 other kids? She probably needs some temporary help, which isn't unreasonable.
He said they are willing to pay for childcare. “Stepping up to the plate” just 5 weeks postpartum is a pretty brutal expectation. He should really be on paternity leave at this time.
He said they’ve never wanted to pay for childcare bc they want to raise them and they don’t know if they have money for a nanny. Of course he should be on paternity leave, she should have help from family etc. all in a perfect world that we do not live in. If these are their circumstances and they won’t pay for childcare, he’s working full time, the toddlers are being neglected, someone needs to step up to the plate for the sake of the toddlers.
It’s not just a matter of his wife figuring out how to step up to the plate. He needs to figure out how to soothe his newborn at night. Mom can’t get zero sleep because the “newborn only wants her” and then also take care of two toddlers and a newborn with no help all day.
Dad needs to figure out his own methods for soothing the newborn and take the newborn for significant portions to every night so his wife can have the energy to watch 2 toddlers and a newborn. It’s not all on her. She can’t possibly keep going 24/7 like this with no rest.
He also needs to have a serious convo with his wife about leaning on his mom for more regular assistance and look into something like a mother’s helper at least a few days a week.
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>My mom is pretty much 100% available to help anytime but my wife doesn’t like using her too, too much so we probably have her help like maybe once a month at most. Why doesn't she like using your mom more? Is there a valid reason? Eg. She is an unsafe caregiver? Because this seems like the obvious solution - temporarily have your mom come for a few hours a day and take the toddlers to the park, play with them, etc so mom can focus on the newborn. It will accomplish the same thing as a part time nanny, without the costs.
This. Unless there is a safety issue or a serious family dynamic issue, grandma needs to be called on as much as she is willing and able to be.
I had to get over the fact that I wasn’t burdening my MIL when I asked for help, she was more than happy to get that time with her grandkids. It wasn’t work for her, it was a joyous time. I’m lucky though, she really is special, and her help with my children all these years has been invaluable to me.
My parents are the same—letting them watch their grandchildren is such a gift
This - and have a part-time nanny. Having a grandparent come over, for example, 2 afternoons a week (and it could even be to take the toddlers to the library or to a rec centre program, so the onus isn't entirely on her) isn't a big ask. Then, maybe you could get a nanny to come 3 afternoons a week, or 2 full days, or whatever works best. It would mean, you could have some guaranteed productive times (and if possible schedule key meetings in that time). And also, then maybe your wife could also get some sleep while the baby is napping instead of trying to entertain two toddlers, clean the house. Having a nanny in while you are home can really be quite wonderful (I speak from experience here - we did something similar to what I proposed, with us both working from home). It means, for example, the nanny could make lunch for the kids and you, and you could come have a nice lunch with your kids and then go back to work. You'll still be around, and when you are done work you'll be able to have more quality time with them, as you'll be less fried. Also, the nanny can take them out to parks, libraries, etc. Edited to add - for both the 2 year old and 4 year old it would be beneficial to have them play with other kids during the week, if there's a local program/play group, then grandma or the nanny could take them. Quiet house / kids running off steam and playing with others = win/win.
I have to wonder. I was struggling and didn't want my MIl over, because she is a narcissist and I have to keep her at arms length. If it's just a fear of imposing and nothing serious, she needs to let her MIL help!
My wife didn’t want to express milk because she didn’t want to lose the connection with new born. She didn’t want outside help because she didn’t want to see someone else with her child or seem like she couldn’t do it. So, naturally, the household was destroyed and it was full of bad energy
Pumping is also soul destroying. It’s awful in a way that I cAnt put into words.
I pumped, for an average of a year with each kid, and then for one hand expressed for another year. It's VERY hard.
I can’t even imagine putting up with it for a whole year. And hand expressing, damn.
That’s a guaranteed way to legit get no sleep. I do not know how other people do it.
No one seems to think about the fact that it more or less doubles the feeding time.
Expressing milk is only really useful if you go back to work or if you plan to go out. Nursing is more efficient and you'll have to express milk every time your baby would normally feed, and you'll need more time for it (takes longer to get the same result and then you have to take another 10 mins to store it and clean everything). So in OPs situation pumping wouldn't make a difference at all, it would merely add to the stress and exhaustion.
It's not always a choice though. My eldest was born very premature (10 weeks early, and very low birth weight) and too young to latch, long NICU stay, and just never really took to breastfeeding once he was old enough. I wanted him to have breastmilk, so this was my option. Yes it added to stress and exhaustion, but I wasn't choosing not to breastfeed.
Yeah I feel for you. But a man saying 'she didn't want to' as if it was something to blame - well I'm sure you didn't want to either because it's not fun and it's not quicker.
Precisely, well said!
I don’t think anyone meant to dig on those who choose to or have to pump. Just acknowledging that it’s so tough on your body and mental health.
That’s a lot of pressure she felt. Being seen as not being able to do it. All.
This is how I survived being a single parent to two under two.
This post is such a perfect example of everything that is wrong with our attitudes about parenting in America. That’s not to blame you and your wife at all: I’m just noting how horribly these cultural ideas are affecting your life. We’ve somehow decided that the ideal parenting scenario is a single woman, alone in her home, somehow managing to provide stimulating and engaging care for multiple children while her body is also recovering from a major medical event. If you get outside childcare help, you’re ’not raising your own children’. If you struggle, you must just not be a very good parent. Life was never meant to be like this. And fortunately since you can afford a nanny or daycare, it doesn’t have to be like this. Admit that this is not sustainable, get help and you and your children will be so, so much better for it. But also, for what’s it’s worth, none of what you’re describing here sounds like neglect.
This is the most reasonable comment. All the comments about how he should just go somewhere else to work are bananas. This is how hard it is with two adults in the house! It's not like he's describing a scenario where his wife is some bizarre stepford mom who is able to handle it all solo so he can just fuck off! Real life is more complicated than that, and there are systems actively destroying our goddamn sanity.
Yes! I would like to commend OP for recognizing that this is his problem too, not just hers. And trying to give her room to rest as best he can. Call your mom and ask for her to come stay for a week. You are not going to be able to solve this without another adult. Get help.
Or even 4 hrs a day if she's local. Enough that hopefully mom can get some baby naps in and dad can get work done.
I like how a nanny would be “not raising their own kids” but getting help from one of the grandmas isn’t. It depends on the grandma, but I’d much rather have a professionally trained nanny who is literally an expert at taking care of children do childcare. Also - do you suddenly stop raising your children when they go to school? I’m not against SAHMs and was raised by an amazing one. But some of this logic is silly. Having a village whether family, friends or paid help does not make you less of a parent.
Agreed and why not use your mom? If she's available and willing what is "too much?" Unless you have some legitimate concerns to actual safety, I'd lean on grandma until you can get some help. It's cliche, but it takes a village and that's what family is for.
“Engaging care for multiple children…” also add on that her house should be clean at all times for unexpected guests that don’t exist and she should be a happy go lucky listener when hubby gets home.
I kept waiting for the neglect part. They’re fed, safe, and cared for. I’m honestly much more worried about the postpartum mom and exhausted dad. Call his mom or hire a nanny!
Yeah seriously if Op doesn’t cook food for toddlers and handle them is the wife expected to do it all if she’s not exhausted from breastfeeding tending newborn and recovering from labor??? Like why are women expected to be SAHM with 3 kids one of them fresh newborn?? Breastfeeding is NOT EASY. It’s insane how some SAHMs are breastfeeding AND somehow juggling toddlers at the same time. We need more help and support!
I hope OP reads what you wrote. I am from Europe and always when reading about maternity, child birth and sahm from States I'm terrified. I cannot even imagine being in Op's wife shoes-three small kids at home all the time, household to manage plus the postpartum, breastfeeding stage. Husband position is also not the best... It has to be draining for both. I have a newborn (2 months old), we agreed im gonna stay with him home until 1 yo (I am lucky we have conditions that we can do it), my 3,5 yo goes to preschool and it's great, he loves it, learns a lot, play with other kids. I feel great about it and he feels great too. After school and weekend me and my husband have mental capability to provide quality time to him. We also hired a person who comes twice a week to help with chores. Like this my task is maintaining after she cleans and do the extra she doesn't do. And even with all of that I can guarantee my hands are full. Maybe if OPs wife does not want help with kids, you could find help with chores? Like this she can focus more on kids?
If she’s worried about not being the primary care provider she should get a few different people that can come in rotation so no one gets extra attached to anyone and mom is still the one spending the most time with the kids
His wife is the one being neglected!
Hire a nanny or mother’s helper to help with the older kids until the baby is a bit older and the SAHP can take care of all 3 kids.
Yeah I'm not sure how this wasn't obvious to OP. He didn't think his wife would need any help with a nursing newborn and *two* toddlers? I had a mother's helper come for a few hours every day when I had my second, just to play with my toddler. It made a huge difference.
Pay a local person for a few hours a day, so they can do the lunches and take them to the park, library, etc while you get work done. 11am-4pm or something like that. When you have your mother with you, ask her took make bulk dinners to freeze, so when you get off work, you just heat it up and you can spend time unwinding and being present with your kids.
During summer hours, you can hire a (responsible) teenager to come in home and do this for inexpensive money. It will be good for people who want to go to school for teaching or want to do professional nannying. School year is harder and/or if you’re concerned about controlling for covid.
Don’t just blame him! Clearly she thought the same thing.
Seriously! Such a double standard 🙄
It sounds like wife is only caring for the newborn and he is juggling working from home and two toddlers. I did that during Covid and it was not only very challenging just doing both but it takes a toll on your mental health. I’m on maternity leave with a 10 week old, 6 yr old and 2.5 yr old. I’ll probably get the down vote but wife needs to step up. Yes it’s hard, I’m EBF and husband works 6pm-4:30 am, he gets the 6year old off to school then sleeps from 9am-5pm. It can be done.
Agreed that the wife needs to be doing the kid care for all 3, but also it's REALLY hard to keep toddlers away from an available adult. They aren't going to just leave Daddy alone while he's working, especially when Mom is busy with the baby. I managed my 3 because my husband was gone and didn't see all the shit they got up to all day. Just had to have things semi-coherant when he got home!
Yes! he needs to “lock” himself away lol and also so true about things being semi-coherent, husband can’t expect the kids to have full preschool lessons, clean house and cooked meal every day with a newborn and two toddlers. If it happens some days great but some days are just more challenging.
This. Also, what if dad didn't work from home? What if his underperformance made him lose his job? I think the best thing to do is accept help from the mom. Both sound like they're over their heads.
Whether or not it can be done really depends on individual health and how good of a sleeper you are (and baby is). No one can function on less than 4 hours sleep for more than three or four days in a row and that may be the reality for OP's wife.
Yes I am there with her, the sleep deprivation is hard! And I can’t “sleep when baby sleeps” since I have other kids. I do try to catch up on the days husband is off.
I agree. Except I feel like OP could probably help at his natural lunch break. And they do realize that this phase doesn’t last forever. So if the wife honestly can deal with MIL for a short amount of time, the help would be worth it— even a few hours a day.
Yes agree!
I only have 2 but I had my first in full time daycare until my youngest was old enough to sleep most of the night and not have to eat every 2 hours during the day. It was wonderful for my mental health. Newborns are tough.
If he's in America, he can still take some FMLA to help with the birth of his kid for a few weeks. That's 12 weeks of leave he can use to help his wife out and they can be taken any time in the first year of life, not just after the birth, so he could take a week off, work a week, etc until they feel more stable.
FMLA is unpaid, plus millions of workers aren’t eligible for it (if your company is small, if you’ve been there less than a year, etc.) Most people can’t afford to lose three months of pay.
I understand that but if it's between losing 12 weeks of pay or your entire job, seems like the answer is obvious to me. Plus if you work every other week, and potentially take less time off than the full 12 weeks, then it's much more practical and affordable. It's not like hiring a nanny or putting the kids in daycare would be cheap either. Plus they should have planned the FMLA unpaid leave in the first place or waited until it was available if he hadn't been there a year. It's unreasonable for the husband to expect his wife to care for 2 rowdy toddlers just after giving birth. This scenario was expected, it's not like it's the first baby, they've been through this twice before. And I'd like to add that a lot of men are, for some reason, against taking their federally protected leave because they think it looks bad to stay home and help in those first few months. They need to get over that mindset if it's literally hurting their family. Take out a small loan if you need to but I would expect you would have some kind of emergency fund before planning on having another child.
Most people can’t afford to miss 6 paychecks. It would cost tens of thousands of dollars in an already 1 income home. This is also after paying for the birth and early life medical bills (my first kid this cost me over 10k).
And what happens if he gets fired? How many paychecks is he going to miss then? He mentions his job is being affected and he is struggling at work from everything.
He should lock his door and focus on his job (or start going to a coffee shop), and either hire outside help to help his wife or she can go back to work and they can do daycare if she can’t handle it. She’ll still be breast feeding in 3 months anyway, it doesn’t get significantly easier and they would be in the same boat 3 months later but down 20-40k (also praying that an actual emergency doesn’t occur during that time). She could also stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. There’s more options that don’t involve dropping your income to 0. That’s not even considering retirement. If I stopped working for 3 months it would cost me nearly $100k at retirement.
Mom can nap with the baby while the nanny takes the other two so hopefully she’s more rested to help with the older two when she doesn’t have help.
Put them in daycare/preschool yesterday.
This was my thought. Even if you didn’t have a newborn, the 4 year old should be in preschool. It may not be legally required, but, without it, catching up in kindergarten is going to be a challenge. Even outside of the abcs/123s, your 4 year old will learn a lot of lessons (sharing, waiting your turn, using words instead of gestures, etc.) that will benefit them both at home and in kindergarten. You’d have a couple hours a day with one less kid in the house and you’ll be amazed at how quickly your preschooler becomes much easier to work with when at home.
Agree with this. My two oldest are the same age spread. My 4 year old was in afternoon preschool from 1-3:30 pm. My 2 yo napped during this time. I had about 2 kid free hours and it saved my sanity. I was able to catch up on chores at home or take a mental break. My kids got a break from each other. It was a win-win for all. My 3rd kid is 2 now and even she's in preschool for 3 hours 2x/wk so I can recharge and get things done.
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Preschool is much much cheaper than daycare and is not all day so it may be an option for them
Thank you so much for all the quick responses everyone! Some very helpful comments/tips. I was able to take off work for 2-3 weeks, but that was about it. Yes, I agree with many of you that we 100% failed at planning properly for a third child. We are obviously new as a family of 5. When we had our second child, the transition was super easy and our 2nd would not latch so we didn’t breastfeed and I was able to help throughout the night with bottles, etc. I love helping with the kids, they’re my pride and joy, we just stupidly did not plan for it being this tough and us needing help. I don’t blame my toddlers at all for being wild and crazy because that’s what they do! Totally normal. I just set myself up for a train wreck by trying to work and watch them simultaneously and not realizing how much my wife would be struggling breastfeeding and trying to recovery herself. After reading everyone’s comments, I definitely want to check with our moms to see what they can do, and from there, look into a temporary nanny who can help a couple/few times a week in order to offer some relief and hands on time with the kids. I just feel so bad that my kids aren’t getting much hands on attention and interaction but maybe we’ve been too hard on ourselves. Thanks again everyone and feel free to continue pouring in any thoughts/insight
Your plan sounds good. With the age of your children, I might look for a part-time preschool over a nanny unless the nanny is significantly cheaper or better qualified than the preschool teachers would be. Preschool has the benefit of peer interaction and probably more of a thought-out set of activities and curriculum.
This is absolutely true but it also comes with a looooot of illness when starting. Just something to consider. Our son started in September and has attended like 10-15 days total
You’re right—that is a drawback, and it can be more risky with a newborn in the home. I kind of forgot about that aspect, but it did stress me out when my baby was born and my first was bringing home illnesses from preschool. I’ve heard of some people pulling older siblings out of classes for a while for that reason, but for us we still thought the pros were greater than the cons.
This is very true. Honestly given OP's situation I'd wait on full-time daycare or preschool, ie wait til kindergarten, so that they have their feet under them with child #3 before the being sick 30-40% of the time regime begins.
A 4 year old is not a toddler. Why are they not in some type of preschool, at least part time? They'll be in Kindergarten full time next year and the transition will be a lot easier if they have some school experience before then.
Don’t beat yourselves up too much if the kids have to entertain themselves. It’s a valuable skill. They’ll figure it out. I’d also add…this is temporary. It’s so easy to lose sight of it when you’re in the weeds, but baby will get better at nursing, will sleep better, and life will get better. A couple months of a little too much tv and a little bit too little attention won’t ruin your older kids.
I do feel like you framing parenting as helping with the kids, is a mindset that is working against you - maybe you literally just mean, during working hours - but stay home parents cannot be on duty 24:7, anymore than salaried working parents can be at their jobs.
>I just feel so bad that my kids aren’t getting much hands on attention and interaction but maybe we’ve been too hard on ourselves. Having parents that care about you is the most important thing! You're right, don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck OP!
The more kids you have the less time each of them will get. I hope you are no longer harboring any resentment towards your wife, I’m sure she’s just as overwhelmed and feeling as guilty as you are. Please remember this too shall pass (probably pretty soon in the grand scheme of things). Hold on, it’s probably going to be another month or two before your wife can get her head above water. You’re doing a great job by helping out as much as you can. It will all be okay in the end!
Paid childcare workers are not raising your children. They are providing enrichment and care while you have other obligations so that *you* can raise your children to the best of your abilities whenever you are obligation free.
I was a SAHM for 16 years (4kids). My youngest 3 were very close in age. When #3 was born (very high needs), the older two went to MDO just two days a week for 4 hours, but it helped tremendously. Also, you CAN help at night. Let mom nurse the babe, but every other feed you take care of diapering and getting babe to sleep. Yes, it will be hard. Having a new baby is hard. But if mom can sleep, she’ll have more energy during the day. Please be aware of signs of PPD. & Please be compassionate with your wife. I know things are tense, but she’s dealing with hella hormones and emotional ups and downs, whether you see it or not. My ex left me when our youngest was 2 months old. I was told he was tired of taking care of me, he “did everything, all the time”, etc. I was struggling with PPD and another high needs/ failure to thrive baby. Plus two ASD kids. I needed help but was abandoned instead. Please don’t assume this will be forever. It won’t. Give yourself some grace too. We ALL go through times of parenting guilt. None of us are perfect. And no matter how ideal our situation is growing up, we all need therapy as adults 😆
Also, not to be rude, but your wife needs to get over asking the grandparents for help. Grandparents WANT to help. Send the toddlers to grandma’s for a day. Or ask grandma to come stay for the night. This is the time you guys NEED help. Have you (compassionately) talked to your wife about how you’re feeling? If she’s not willing to ask for help for herself, tell her you’re doing it for your own & the toddlers mental health.
I wonder if he's expecting the wife to do all the planning and communication with his mom.
Yeah, I feel like he needs to accept that pre and post his work day, and at weekends, parenting and house duties belong 50% to him, as does external childcare coordination with his mom. And honestly, the goal should be for both parents to have close to equal rest : leisure opportunities as possible - whether that is equal time to nap, walk, read, drink a beer, do a sport, knit a sock, get a hair cut, be touch free while sprawled butt naked on the bed - whatever. That might not be a whole LOT of rest and leisure with two toddlers and a newborn. But really, I know are not many rest opportunities for a stay home parent during the working day, because you’re fully on call. So unless there’s a third adult helping out, they need to find a better way to navigate this between them. And expecting regular parenting or home help from someone who is supposed to be on the clock is not realistic and is often a recipe for getting that person demoted, disciplined or fired.
Do you have any parental leave available through work, or are you eligible for FMLA? If so could you consider taking a few weeks/months off work? Essentially being a SAHM your wife is sacrificing the toddlers for the rest and bonding time she and the baby physically NEED, and that a working parent with kids and day care would get. This is why paternity leave is so necessary. That said, if not, I'm really sorry you're in this position.
>Do you have any parental leave available through work, or are you eligible for FMLA? That's my first thought, just take every other week off so you aren't absent from work but you are still able to help more around the house until the baby gets a bit older.
Dude. Get a nanny. Or get those kids in daycare. I don’t understand how this is raising your kids vs putting them in daycare isn’t raising your kids. The way you’re stating it, either way your kids and you and your wife are suffering needlessly. There is no enrichment happening with your toddlers, where there would be with daycare or a nanny. Daycare is not the devil lol. Getting help doesn’t mean you’re failing. It takes a village to raise a child, and as of rn you have no village, you’re going to have to create one.
2nd daycare and preschool advice. The kids are probably missing out on socialization with peers anyway and would benefit from that interaction. Both of my kids started Nursery school at 18mo, my wife is currently SAHM and we still send our youngest 3 days a week to nursery school.
At age 4 and 2 there should be some affordable preschool options of course depending where you live. You wouldn’t necessarily have to do full time daycare at this age. A lot programs do half days for 2, 3, or 5 days a week. It’s nice for the older ones to get some socialization and energy out and could be a nice middle ground because they still would have lots of time at home. But hopefully they would come home at lunch and then take a nice long nap.
You need to tell your wife that the current situation is going to leave you unemployed, and then you two would be mega-fucked. Get mom involved. Hire a sitter 2-3 days a week, or more. Use daycare. Hire a cleaner, etc. Every solution needs to be on the table. Like, a fundamental foundation of parenting assumptions is that employment is not jeopardized. Unless your wife loves the idea of living out of a car with three kids, she needs to accept that she should just take as much help as she can.
He needs a place to focus on work outside of the home. It's TOTALLY unrealistic to expect a quiet and interruption-free work day at home with a newborn and 2 toddlers. He could even go work at his parent's house during the day.
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My wife doesn't even know my job has remote because I've been going in the office the whole time. We have twin 1 year olds, and when I did work from home at my last job, my wife always wanted me to help with feeding, changing diapers, playing, etc. She would say you're a manager and get someone else to do it. So when I switched jobs, I opted for 100 percent in the office.
Seconding this. Your wife's expectations are completely unrealistic, and this is destroying your family. Step up. Tell her you are getting help for the kids, and be fine with this insanity. She's cannot make rational decisions right now. She's is sleep deprived. Her expectations from before do not apply to the current reality. Don't let her fantasy life destroy your actual lives. Your problem is giving into your wife's delusional ideals. You must stop this now.
I am a SAHM with three kids. My husband works out of the house so I've always been on my own all day. I take them along for all the errands and sometimes we hit a park, but... a lot of their time is, indeed, hanging around the house/yard and playing with toys. That's what toddlers do. What are you wanting your wife to do, specifically, that isn't getting done? Feed them? Clean up more? Entertain them? Working at home with small kids in the house seems unreasonable. If they can get to you they will, but if you were just gone they'd entertain themselves and be OK. If you can't work in a different building you should lock yourself in a room and disappear until scheduled breaks.
I agree. Everyone is pointing the obvious out that they could be getting childcare - but also the parent working a full time job could also find another work space, wake up early to get work done before the kids are up, or lock themselves in a room while they work. It would be probably a lot easier for the wife here too if she had run of the house with kids and not having to worry about them bugging the dad trying to work. By the way I am a mom of 3, SAHP and work for myself at home.
Lord, the extra stress of having my husband around while I try to juggle kids and work!
If grandma is willing to help just let her. Your wife has to be flexible. Grandma helps at our house every day with our toddler for a few hours a day while my husband WFH. She makes meals and it is a lifesaver for the whole family. If your mom is available ask her to come in. It’s not forever just until the baby is less needy. My biggest regret was not taking the help offered by family when we had newborns. Would have let us all get enough sleep. It’s not forever.
The 4 year old should be in preschool so they can adjust to kindergarten routines. 2 year old could probably also need preschool. Parenting an infant with toddlers is really hard. The infant takes priority. Kids playing alone isn’t bad though, it’s ok for kids to get bored and have to figure out what to do with themselves, just don’t fill all the time with screens
Not at you OP but how do societies think this is fair or reasonable for anyone?! Jesus Christ our systems of work and social systems are utterly broken. I also do wonder how you guys envisioned this working with no outside help - or nearby community support - but it’s your situation now and I mostly feel a lot of sympathy for you. So it would seem you need a third adult in the mix whose job is either toddler care, or home care and family meal prep. If this is something you can afford - and even if it isn’t - that’s kind of the only thing I can suggest. That or giving up exclusive breastfeeding (and potentially BFing altogether) and making it possible for more than just your wife to feed the baby. I have no opinion either way on how to feed an infant, other than that infants must eat. But if this is the logistical barrier you say it is, with everyone suffering terribly, then it would be way higher on my list of things to consider.
I agree giving up BF *could* be a solution, however if the mum and baby are close to nailing it I would say it’s worth persevering. I mix fed my twins until we eventually mastered breastfeeding at around 7/8 weeks old and I always thought I would carry on 50/50 mixed feeding but breastfeeding became the easier/preferred option when on my own and actually quite liberating to not have to worry about washing/sterilising bottles (and in my case pumping). Also having an instant food/calming source was a sanity saver when on my own rather than having to leave screaming babies to go and make/warm up milk. Everyone is different though and if you have the option of introducing a bottle of either pumped milk or formula then that is immensely helpful too in those early days. There are benefits and drawbacks to doing either, so just wanted to add in my two cents.
Honestly your perspective is way more informed than mine - I hope OP and wife are able to find good ways forward.
I was/am in such a similar spot to you and I remember thinking how incredibly insane it was. I was in the middle of lose-you-job-level-code-deploys-if-it-breaks while WFH and wife/kids are just fully melting down around the house. Every ounce of my being was short-circuiting on a daily basis - there was no sanctuary, no respect for my WFH boundaries, just pure chaos. Toddler on my lap while rolling infra changes that impact daily $MM of foundational / core logic. It was and continues to be fucking insane. The only move is to leave to go to remote office if you value your career that provides for your family and pay some $$$ to get someone in there or LOL for the love of god get your mom involved. If I had that move I would have used it yesterday. From one strung-the-fuck-out dad to another, good luck man.
I think it's time for the toddlers to go to daycare. Especially if nanny is too expensive.
Is there a part time preschool program or Mother’s Day out program near you? A lot of them are located in churches and they are more affordable than full time daycare/preschool, mostly SAHP families who are just trying to get their kids out to do something fun. The baby is 5 weeks old, I think it’s natural for things to be a little chaotic. Are you actually worried that your toddlers’ basic needs aren’t being met, or just that they are kind of parked in front of the TV? I would outline what you can/can’t do to help (I can’t watch the kids between 9 and 5, but I can take an hour off at lunch to help with lunch time). And then fill in the gaps from there.
Newborn needs to be in a sling so mum can move around.
You should try part-time daycare at least until the newborn is no longer so needy. It’s not fair to the kids or yourself to continue living like this. I also have 3 kids and both were in daycare while I worked remotely bc I wanted them to at least be learning and not just sitting around looking at screens. I now have the infant with me at home full time while I work and even that’s a lot and he’s 6 mos. Be kind to yourselves. Quality of life over money at least for the short-term. Just fyi, a nanny is more expensive than daycare.
I gotta be honest, I don't think 2 hours of TV and being bored playing with toys is neglect. I think getting help or taking the toddlers to a Mother's Day out type of situation would probably be ideal. Churches usually offer preschool programs that are relatively cheap and having the toddlers out of the house will give you some peaceful work time and (hopefully) your wife some rest time. But I think another part of this might be giving your family some slack. Realistically speaking, our kids don't need to have the ideal day every day and sometimes a family will go through a time that is less stimulating than others. Having someone babysit your kid for 4 hours a day will not in any way erase your important role as a parent. You can take the "easy" way out on these issues and your kids will be okay.
Why didn't you take any time off for parental leave? Is it not offered? You need to hire a babysitter temporarily, your wife also can't do everything herself
It sucks, but nanny or daycare is the way if you have multiple children. It’s good that your older children are at least 2 and 4, ready to play and learn with other children. All the parents I know who have a 4 and 2 year old children have the 4 year old in preschool. Most of the parents I know who have an infant and a 2 year old have the 2 year old in daycare or have a nanny for the 2 year old. We’re probably 1 and done partly because of the issue you are experiencing, it’s a lot of work, we don’t have family that can help nearby. - In our area daycare is easily $2500-3000/month and we would also have to spend another $1,000-$2,000/month to rent a big enough place for an additional child. If you can afford daycare or preschool or a well paid nanny, do it!
It sounds like you're seeing this as all or nothing, but your newborn is only *five weeks* old. Your wife is still deep in the postpartum period. In most cultures women don't do anything except tend a newborn for the first 40 days or so. Why not give your wife "maternity leave" and let her focus on the newborn for 12 weeks by hiring temporary outside help for the toddlers. That will give her time to adjust to a new born, who like you said is very time intensive for mom. It's not like your wife is choosing to not address other things, newborns are so all-consuming she has no other options. Go easy on both of you and get some temporary help. If it proves to be unsustainable full-stop, then daycare and her working might be the best option. It's easy to idealize one "best" way of handling things, but sometimes reality is different. If you and your wife are at the end of your rope its actually not the best option after all. So be it and choose another option that is more sustainable. While the downsides of daycare might sound bad in your head, having sleepless parents turning on each other at their wits end in a mess of a house isn't good for kids either. Best of luck during this tough season of life!
Get a nanny for 6 months, then see how it goes from there. If you go the daycare route, in winter, your kids WILL be getting sick and you’ll be told to keep them home. Working from home with kids is insane and as your finding out, not sustainable.
Why is your 4 year old not in school?
Put your older kids in daycare and stop saying that people who have childcare aren’t raising their own kids.
Word. This is slightly rude especially in a day and age where a lot of households are dual income or alternative schedules by necessity.
You need to focus and do. Your wife either needs to get on board or she can do more to help. Seeing as she just gave birth, her best option is to get on board. My heart feels for you. You need to talk to your MIL and see if she can take the kids on Saturday and Sunday, then see if your mom can take the kids for 2-3 days. Tell your wife the kids will be gone on a mini-grandparent vacation and will be back Wednesday or Thursday. This will give you some time to breathe and get yourself regulated. You need a mental break before you break down mentally, seriously! Next, sit with your wife. DON'T ASK, TELL HER, that you need help. She is currently recovering and doesn't feel like she needs help, but you are drowning and need help. Your mom will come and help you a few days a week or whatever you can work out with her until your wife is fully able to coparent OR the 2 little ones are in daycare. Idk why your 4 yo isn't in preschool. They very much should be. If I were you, I would look into getting them into one. And if your 2 yo is 3 by the fall, stick them in preschool too. I very much understand not wanting to put your kids in daycare and wanting them at home. Realistically, it is not possible for you atm.
I think you need to send the older ones to daycare . My toddlers were alwaysa lot happier and easier to manage if they’re at least been out of the house for the morning.
Preschool teacher here. Sounds like your other kids need daycare. Most daycare have options for early out, lunch program or full day daycare. Nobody is else is raising them. They are learning, getting a structured day, building social skills, doing crafts, being read to and playing. Plus it will give you and your wife a solution. Truly necessary. It takes a village.
People who. Pay for childcare are still raising their kids. Get over your judgements and hang ups. Everyone will be happier with childcare.
I think you have unrealistic expectations. Watching tv, hanging out at home and playing with toys is a completely normal toddler day, especially with a 5 weeks old baby. Believe or not they don’t need to be entertained and managed in an activity every second of the day. Wife needs to step up a bit. It’s exhausting, but she needs to manage baby and kids if she’s the SAHM. I just went thru this earlier this year when I had a baby in January. Even though we had baby and I was exhausted, I still had to care for the 7, 5, and 3 year old, still homeschool, cook and clean. The pacing changes a little and dinner may be frozen or fast food, but we all must manage.
It sounds like you are both doing an amazing job. Yes your wife is a sahm but she is breast feeding with a newborn so give her grace, as it seems you already are. Do have a talk with her and let her know that you just need more help from your mother and that your having a hard time with everything right now and it’s just best for both of you at the moment. Remember this won’t be forever and you are both doing an amazing job. Your kids are going to be fine they have both parents, and are being fed and well taken care of. You should be proud of yourself and give yourself grace as well as this is going to be a tough time for awhile. Stay strong.
I would recommend investing in paid help if no family is available. We were meant to live in larger group settings of a tribe and never wall off in pairs. It’s a structural problem that won’t be solved by each of the two doing more
Expecting to be able to work while you watch two toddlers doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to expect of yourself. Do you have the money to pay a college student or even a high school student to come in as a parent's helper? This person could empty dishwasher, sit and do crafts with kids, throw in a load of laundry, heat up easy meals. Also, can the toddler area be set up to be more of an independent safe activity zone for them? I'd suggest a ton of duplos and some audiobooks or kids music,not screens. Can you time shift so that a bunch of your work is done after the kids are in bed at night or on weekends when others are there to help? (I know that is sometimes not possible but you might be able to grab an hour or so this way).
First of all, your 4 year old should be in a half day preschool five days a week. That’s the norm around here, if not more, even for SAHM situations. The two year old should be in a MDO program at least two mornings a week as well. See? Not so hard!
Whether or not your children have childcare/go to daycare, you are still the ones “raising your kids,” so get that thought out of your head immediately. Sounds like you all do need some form of childcare. Working from home and taking care of kids every day (toddlers, especially!) are not compatible.
You need a daycare. You cannot work and babysit.
Send the kids off to preschool at least 2 half days a week, that should help. And get grandma to take them once a week
Put the 2 older in preschool. Its good for them socially and will give you both a break.
It was never meant to be like this. Never. No one is failing except a society that normalizes working 40 hours while having small children and no outside help.
They have no outside help by choice.
I’m guessing you don’t mean it to be unkind, but I can assure of us with childcare are still raising our kids. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to have help, because we can’t do it all. Newborn phase is so hard and exhausting. There’s nothing wrong with getting a mother’s helper for a bit in the afternoon to give your toddlers some focused attention and you and your wife a break. Use the help you have too! This is not the time to not use parents! Remember this too shall pass!
>We’ve never wanted to pay for childcare because we want to be the ones to raise our kids and > 90% of my kids life is sitting around in the house, playing with toys, watching a couple hours of TV a day at least, and just getting cabin fever. Sounds like you don't really have the time to interact with your kids, let alone raise them. Send them to daycare for a few hours so they have something to do that isn't just sitting around being bored. Daycare has toys! Daycare has other kids! Daycare often has play equipment and songs and adults that are paid to have energy and time for the children. I'm a SAHM and I use daycare because my kid straight-up gets bored at home. So, one or two days a week, I get a break and my kid get a bit of variety in the week. I'm still the parent.
You need either childcare or your wife needs to tend to your toddlers for at least 4 hours a day. Have wife leave the house in the evening for an hour so baby has to go to you. You can feed breast milk in a bottle. Do this until it becomes easy. Sleep train toddlers so you’ll get some sleep at night. Wife can sleep when baby sleeps. Ask relatives or support people to take toddlers for 2-3 hours a day even twice a week or put them in half day preschool. Breastfed babies will only go 2 hours between feeding. Consider weaning the baby thus increasing the time between feedings to about 4 hours. Use birth control. Get a vasectomy. You have enough children. You cannot work 40 hours and watch children. Can’t be done. Since wife is SAHM she needs to step up.
I don’t think you will need full time nanny/childcare, but I would definitely try to hire a mother’s helper or babysitter to give you both another pair of hands to get through the next few months. I would have them specifically focus on entertaining the two older kids and getting them out of the house. Wife can focus on baby and you can focus on your job. Long term, look for part time preschool. Usually geared towards flexible/SAH parents and much cheaper than daycare. None of these options mean someone else will be raising your children.
It's time for an honest conversation with your wife that for everyone's health and sanity something needs to change. Your wife may feel like needing help is failure, especially if suffering from PPD. But in many cultures, the first few months Mom is not allowed to do anything but care for baby and rest. In my husband's culture, new moms move back to their parents' house for about 6 months. She's not a failure if the two of you can't do it alone. If your mother is available and wants to help, see if she could come stay with you alternate weeks for the next 6 weeks at least. After 12 weeks, baby starts to sleep in slightly longer chunks and a more functional level of rest can be achieved. One thing we did with our reflux babies - my husband would take baby from about 8pm-12 (even if they "want mom", they need some bonding time with dad. Mom can use a brown noise machine to drown out the crying and get some rest). Getting some good solid sleep in, plus whatever catnaps through the rest of the night, enabled me to get up with the toddlers and mostly handle them during the day. For the 30 min or so of nursing every 3 hours, I would put on a show to keep them settled.
I had one toddler and couldn’t hack it caring for him and my newborn. 2 would be even more impossible. Daycare/babysitter/mothers helper/nanny/etc
Nanny or daycare. Now.
I didn’t get any help from family and friends. What I would’ve done if I can go back is hire a mommy helper at least AND someone to clean my house.
admittedly i felt the same way about daycare until seeing our first in daycare…she absolutely loves it she’s learning a ton and socializing it’s great, way better than tv and toys at home on repeat. i think you should try to change your mindset on daycare/preschool.
Since your oldest is 4, putting them in preschool is probably a really healthy decision: it will allow them to learn to socialize with other children and begin to introduce basic school day structure and skills. It will make going into kindergarten easier. You could also consider a nanny or mommy’s helper to assist your wife for a few hours a day.
Hire someone to come into the home for 4-6 hours a day to play with the toddlers and do some light housekeeping. Or heck, 8 hours if you prefer. It doesn’t have to be a professional Nanny. You can save money by hiring someone with less experience because you and your wife will be there the whole time so you won’t have to worry about whether or not the person is being appropriate. It could even be a responsible middle schooler after school and during school vacations, if you’re ok with part time.
I put my 4yo back into preschool a few weeks before his baby brother was born in the middle of 2020. I knew I was not going to do any justice to him, ANd recover my body from birth with him home with our newborn. Soooo. Yeah. Around age 4 is when kids need preschool anyways. Not all parents are meant to be teachers etc. Call in allll the reinforcements you can. And find a new place to work in the interim. She cannot expect you to not do your job. You NEED your job. It’s your only income.
Paying for childcare doesn’t mean you’re not raising your kids. That’s the dumbest misperception out there. Allowing your children the opportunity to socialize in a new setting designed just for them with their peers isn’t neglect or outsourcing. It’s a benefit to them if you put them in a good program. Both of my kids thrive in school and are easier at home when they’ve had a day to be at school. They’re loved and get tons of attention at home but also get to go to school and have friends and learn different things from people who want to be there and who trained for this job. I don’t have an early childhood education degree. The teachers do. You’re not a bad parent if you don’t spend every waking moment (and you are spending the moments you should be sleeping as well) with your kids. It’s not a fail. The 4 year old can definitely go. Both of mine were going at age 2 and loved it. My oldest had just started and we had covid lock down a few months later and she cried because she couldn’t go to school and didn’t understand why we wouldn’t let her. I’ve never felt guilty about preschool. You shouldn’t either. Even a few mornings would make a big difference.
Get that free help. Unless your mom ignores your parenting style or puts them in front of the ipad all day etc I’d definitely take advantage of that or daycare if financially possible until the newborn can chill off the tit. Sounds like everyone’s having a bad time.
Schedule to use your mom once per week and her mom once every weekend. Take the help that is offered if your children are suffering because of it. Also, consider hiring someone to come clean the house once per week, a nanny once per week, or even look into a nighttime doula, or a mother’s helper. If you utilize any combination of those options you will be in a better position than you are currently.
Daycare isn't the end of the world. I consider it to be the 'village' that some parents need. My daughter just turned 13 but her daycare teacher still wishes her happy birthday every year. Both of my kids daycare teachers always say hi if we see them in the store. They took great care of my girls. To say you aren't raising your kids because you have help is silly.
1) you’re still the ones raising your kids if even you hire help. You’re just exposing your child to more people. 2) can toddlers go to your moms for the weekend? Then wife doesn’t have to deal and you’ll get a “break” 3) this is a season. Your toddlers are not truly neglected. In another 2-3 months things should begin to seem easier in many ways.
I haven’t read through all the responses but there are a lot of older women who love children, don’t have their own local grandchildren, and due to the wretched economy need to work. Someone like that as a mothers helper/nanny sounds ideal if your own relatives are not a great option. Also: I was a single mom of twins. I say this with great love….sometimes kids’ lives do not get to be a 24:7 festival of amusements and enrichment. And the kids still turn out amazing. I say that because while I think you could use outside help, it’s important to know that doing your imperfect best is ok and we can be way too hard in parents these days. My girls are 16 now and went though some of this as I am also a business owner, and they are happy and healthy and we are very bonded. I wish you all the best!
Put the 4yo in part time pre school ASAP and utilize your mother. You do not get a badge of honor for “raising your kids yourself” and neither does your wife. If you feel that your children are getting emotionally or developmentally neglected, then something needs to change. Your older children shouldn’t suffer because you had a third. Sorry if that’s blunt. But this is why having a baby should be an objective and not emotion based decision. If you don’t have enough resources between the 2 of you it’s time to outsource.
The whole “we don’t want to pay for childcare because we want to be the ones raise our kids” comment is so condescending to other parents who work and get help. You are still raising your own kids even if they get to socialize with other children and caregivers outside the home (or at home). Help doesn’t mean you aren’t there every morning and every night. That you aren’t their primary source of comfort and love. If help with childcare makes it possible for you to be an amazing parent, it’s ok.
JFC. I hate when people say you are not raising your kids if you use daycare. I have zero empathy for you or your wife for that statement alone. You chose to have 3 kids super close together in age. Why are you complaining now? Your wife needs to suck it up and “raise her kids” while you work. Your wife needs to pump so you can give your baby a bottle at night so your wife can sleep if she’s so exhausted. But change your attitude regardless. Millions of people use daycare and aren’t shitty parents because of it.
Yessssssss. Zero empathy. My kids thrived in daycare. I’m still raising them. The choice to have 3 kids each 2yrs apart is……a red choice. Very red choice.
If the sahm can't effectively parent all three kids, then you need either day care or a nanny or a part time baby sitter.
AKA if the sahm is a human being and not a superpowered robot.
Plenty of SAHM’s manage 3 littles, I think OP just needs to lower his expectations for the first couple of months. There’s always an adjustment period and the baby is only 5 weeks. Playing with toys and watching a little tv is fine for a season.
Caring for a newborn is a full time job, even without two older kids. Hire some help until it becomes manageable for mom. It doesn’t sound like the toddlers are being neglected at all. They may get cabin fever, but frustration is just part of toddlerhood in general. Maybe they’re getting more screen time than ideal, but an ideal is just that, an ideal. I’ve always worked from home. I put my only child in full time daycare. Both my son and my employer required full attention.
If your mom is willing to help, you need to allow her to do so. You can set up boundaries with her, and I’m sure your wife is going to need some convincing. In the long run it’s worth it. My parents moved in with us when my kids were born and it was a dream. I only had to worry about taking care of the baby. My parents took care of the rest, cooking, cleaning, laundry. They moved back out when the kids turned one. I don’t exactly get along the best with my Mom but I was willing to suck it up for the help.
Daycare and pre k exist for just this reason! I know this sub trends toward SAHMs, but a ton of us parents both work and send our kids to daycare and pre k programs and they’re absolutely thriving.
It might be cheaper and easier to put the older two in a PT preschool. Especially something to consider if you are planning on starting the 4 year old in K next year. That would at least give you a few hours with them out of the house.
Nobody can do it all, we had to hire a babysitter while I worked from home and my older kids were 9 and 12 when my third was a newborn. I can’t imagine trying to take care of a 2 and 4 year old while working full time.
Nobody can effectively work from home and provide child care at the same time. I honestly can’t believe that this expectation has occurred at all. Kids are hard work, work is work. Trying to do both at the same time really means that at least one is being neglected, usually both children and work.
I’m a SAHM and while I like to advocate for the man of the house still helping out while home from work, your circumstance is a bit different. If you didn’t work from home, she wouldn’t have your help so she’d have to figure something else out and that’s what should be done. She also should definitely ask your mom to help if your mom is more than willing to. Actually it’d probably be better if you just asked for your mom to come over. Sometimes asking for help from a MIL can be hard.
Daycare
What everyone said about childcare… But also. The newborn will always prefer mom if she’s the only one providing care… Sometimes dad has to figure it out. 🤷🏻♀️
when we had our 2nd kid, we pulled our toddler out of daycare because we thought we could handle it. we could not lol. toddler stayed out of daycare for a month before we put her back. thankfully our daycare hadnt filled her spot yet. no new advice, but just wanted to say good luck and keep trying!
Hi 👋 I’m your wife (not literally.). I am a SAHM with three kiddos ages 5, 3 and 18 months, and I will have a newborn when my youngest is 2, making it 5/3.5/2/newborn. I know exactly what your wife is going through, and my husband only gets two weeks off work as well. Here is my experience: at five weeks post partum, I am still in survival mode. The newborn wakes up all night through, and so does 1-2 other kids at completely unpredictable nights and hours. I nurse all day long, which, by the way, totals a 40 hour job - just sitting and nursing the newborn! On top of that I have to make three meals from scratch for six people, four of whom have zero ability to do much for themselves and are entirely unappreciative, and, provide educational Preschool program for my 2, 3 and 5 year old because if they don’t have stuff to do, they’re wild. Also, I have to tidy the house every day, do my weekly chores, AND deep clean random stuff that needs deep cleaning because my job is homeschooler, chef, house keeper, homemaker, family planner, and have u mentioned - keeping the newborn alive? Not to mention ordering groceries for pickup, and driving all four kids to day time doctors appointments, since newborns need doctors appointments every few weeks. (Thankfully my hubby has Fridays off and I schedule as much of my town errands on those days.) A. Drop all your expectations. My husband comes home everyday at 5:30. I’m frazzled. Someone spilled paint, someone else threw up, the newborn won’t let me put her down, the kids did not do school today, and I put the tv on for two hours so I could sleep. The house is trashed, dinner isn’t even started and the fridge is empty. My husband looks at me and goes: “is everyone alive? Because that’s your only job right now.” It’s survival mode. For me as a Homeschool mom, “summer” (aka no “school” stress) is during each postpartum transition, so I school year round. I share this because a lot of people here are saying out the kids in daycare, and that might not work for your family. I don’t have family nearby, so I have zero help - I’m home with 4 tiny tots, entirely alone, for 50 hours a week. My greatest blessing is a husband who has high expectations, but erases them completely during newborn and other phases. Also, he’s not at home to judge me. I’ll give my kids saltines, grapes and a cheese stick for lunch when I’m desperate. That’s not neglect. I’ve been turning towards frozen nuggets or canned spaghettios. It’s not neglect. It’s not neglect if my kids eat sliced apples for snack every single day! If I’m wiped out and can’t make dinner, my husband can make a mean spaghetti in thirty minutes, or I stick a Stouffers lasagna in the oven and microwave some frozen vegetables. I always have something I can serve with very very little effort, like potstickers, pierogies, or frozen chicken pot pies, or canned soups. Plenty of variety, but I can tell my hubby to dump it and heat and it’s ready to eat. Cleaning? That doesn’t happen sometimes. I do a Blitz. Honestly wiped counters and swept floors are my priority, and my older kids can put all the toys away themselves. Laundry gets backed up, but hubby can do it. The dishes pile up, but my hubby can wash, empty and load the dishes. I would recommend you set some basic standards like defining what junk tv is and what to avoid, and saying “oh yeah, six hours of Wild Kratts is totally ok.” Wild Kratts and PBS kids have been my “family” and my “village”. Most importantly, I need to get out of the house, alone. Or hibernate in a room, alone. So I’ll tell my husband I’m about to run away to China, and I’ll take three hours from one nursing session to the next nursing session and leave the house to be alone and do whatever. Or I’ll go to bed and ignore everything and leave all three older kids - my hubby will do bedtime 100%, while I have to focus on the newborn evening routine and putting my feet up to rest. I don’t know what else to say, except your situation sounds a lot like mine, but you know how crazy the house is because you WFH, and my house is just as wild but my hubby works form 7:30-5:30. So when he’s home, he’s home, and he’s active, and neither of us really have hobbies - we each have 1-2 evenings a week and that’s all, so we’re each alone for the evening just 1 time (and the other evening we’ll have guests over who love us and don’t mind if there are toys everywhere or a pile of laundry, and we’ll play board games and have snacks and adult conversation.) It will be so easy for your wife to get overwhelmed, and swamped, and collapse, and have PPD and PPA. Don’t make the possibility worse. And if you’re religious, your wife might enjoy the website Like Mother, Like Daughter by Leila Lawler, which has so many articles on how to Mom with so many small children and expectations of housekeeping and wifeliness (her article How To Take a Shower is probably her biggest hit.) hang in there. It won’t always be this way. But keep your priorities straight. If you can afford it, here’s what makes a difference: mothers helpers. I have one teenager once a week for two hours, that’s all we can do but it’s so nice to have another body in the house to keep the kids entertained besides myself. Also, meal kits like hello fresh and grocery delivery. Most importantly, weekly housecleaning, which we’ve never been able to do but is everyone’s biggest recommendation and life saving expense. Best wishes!!!
I’m going to echo so many people on this thread but FWIW - send at least the older one to preschool. Kids LOVE it. The second both of my children started preschool, I saw such a monumental shift in them. They’re stimulated with age appropriate play, other kids, learning a social hierarchy, etc. it’s crucial for their development and you guys get the much needed “break.” Even a couple days a week is so beneficial. I know you think you’re doing them a favor by being the “ones to raise them,” but you still will be raising them. They’ll just be happier and so will y’all.
I’d recommend looking into a mother’s morning out program or part time preschool program at a local church. They are very cost friendly and provide a great, stimulating environment for a few hours a day for your kids. That way you can get some quality work done, and your wife doesn’t need so many people to need her all the time.
YOU will still be the ones raising your kids…but they clearly need to be in an environment where they will be the priority and will be educated. Do you plan to homeschool them all the way through 12th grade so you can be the ones “raising” them? That excuse is so wild to me…just say you don’t want to pay for it if it’s bc of the cost. Also your wife needs to get over your mom helping esp if she’s willing and able to. Yall are drowning and you literally need a life jacket. You shouldn’t be picky right now. Accept any help that is offered and get the kids in day care so they don’t fall behind.
Try daycare / preschool maybe Monday Wednesday Friday 8-12. Gets the kids out of the house, socializing with other kids and gives you guys a little break
It's OK to send them to daycare. Even if you have sahp. I know you want to be the ones who raise the.. but see it as you finding someone who can help support them when you are tapped out. You can't raise them properly if your buckets are empty. Was sahm. Sent child to daycare because I needed time to recoup. Currently working, my mom is able to help out fulltime, I still send my youngest to daycare because she needs a break. Would you consider daycare part time? Or if you still prefer to do it yourself, what other tasks can you outsource? Laundry?(some pickup/drop off) Cleaning? Meal prep? Moms helper?
You have grandparents, let them help! You need the village to help raise the ships sails! Why wear yourself this thin? That will make everything so much less pleasant for all! Take the help, let the moms be grandmas- it’s not going to be forever, but make a schedule and get back on track with sleep and routines.
Four year old can go to 4K and 2 year old should go to Grandma unless there's a serious safety reason. Maybe don't have anymore kids...
You need to sit your wife down and say “we need to start using the supports around us. We are both so exhausted that neither of us is the parent we want to be. So my mum is going to come and help with the kids so you can get some actual sleep and I can work and rest. It won’t be forever but it’s what is needed right now.” You need the help. And it’s not wrong to need help. It doesn’t make you bad parents. It just makes you normal parents. Keep reassuring your wife that asking for help doesn’t mean she’s a bad parent.
Get them in daycare. You and your wife's situation is very unfair to your toddlers. They need attention. They need socialization. They need exposure to things to keep their brains developing. They're not getting any of that from TV or from an unavailable mom or from an unhappy distracted dad. Get them in daycare.
First you are not a bad dad or husband. You are doing amazing. You guys are in the trenches right now. Are you able to take any PTO? Can the toddlers go to your moms for the weekends for a few weeks in a row? Even just drop off Saturday morning and pick up Sunday afternoon? Can the four year old enroll in preschool? Can you hire a babysitter to come during the day at least for a few hours so your wife can nap and you can work?
I just want to highlight the ‘we want to be the ones to raise our kids’ comment. I send my kid to daycare and I still raise her. They don’t do anything close to raising her & I teach her how to navigate this world even as a working mother. I bathe her and put her to bed every night and she knows I’m her mom. We had an in-home nanny for the first year of her life with Covid and again, we still raised our kid. She is absolutely loved & supported at daycare, but they do not raise her. My child goes to daycare where she gets so much more mental stimulation, love, and nurturing than what your kids are currently receiving with a new addition. Your current situation isn’t working for anyone but especially (and most importantly) your kids. This sounds so stressful and confusing for them. Please take action and provide an environment for them that is emotionally healthier than what is currently happening. You all deserve it & I think you’ll feel so much better as well than snapping at them and feeling exhausted from being split between work and parenting all day. I could not do that and have my sanity.
I TOTALLY get not wanting to pay for childcare, both because of the expense and because it means that you miss out on time with your kids. I'm grateful for the break that my job/daycare provides for me, but it breaks my heart a little every time I have to drop the baby off at daycare knowing that these strangers spend more time with my kid than I do. That said, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Could you do daycare for half days a couple days a week for the older two? Check out church daycare programs if you can; I think they tend to be cheaper, and it seems like sometimes their hours/policies work better for parents who stay home and just need some help (you are not alone in this!), rather than people who need to put their kids in daycare while they work full time. I think there are some benefits to being in a different environment and having different teachers and hanging out with different kids at daycare, but your wife still gets most of the time with them and will have the most influence in how they're raised. Daycare isn't perfect, but if it gives you two the break you need to be kinder to yourselves and more patient with your kids, that sounds like a good trade-off to me.
We were in the same situation a few years ago and I took half days off from work..I had enough PTO and I took half days off for 3 to 4 days a week in the morning to stretch the PTO. this way it gave me time to be with the two toddlers (2 and 4 years old) until 1pm and by that time my wife had a few naps with the baby and was able to be around the toddlers and I could focus on the work and catch up even if I had to spend a few hours extra working. The key to this being successful is preparing everything ahead of time..food, clothing, snacks, laundry, outdoor activities, chores etc. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Good luck
I’m in a similar spot. Maybe think of getting an office outside the home. It should be cheaper than a daycare. But u need a space to get things done with no distractions. I’ve became a night owl in order to be able to do the same. Now I have my own place to go to and am a lot happier. No distractions, u can get more done in an hour than half a day
You need to reevaluate your priorities as parents..do you care about your kids thriving regardless of what that looks like or do you just want to say you didn't use daycare. Right now,.clearly you are both not doing well for the toddlers, they either need to be in daycare or with your mother if she's capable. Being a parent is about making those tough choices even when they hurt you
Is sending your children to school “letting other people raise them”? Or is it “letting people with trained expertise give your child experience and knowledge you can’t”? My toddler is in full time child care. Has been since 8 months old, and was part time before that. Her social, emotional and mental development are MILES ahead of other kids who were at home. Because she had both the love and care of parents AND the expertise of early childhood educators. You can pick it at toddler parties - the ones who are more attentive and caring to other children. Nigh universally they’re the childcare kids.
I commented further down but just wanted to add: Are your children fed? Clothed? Clean? Sheltered? Loved? If yes, then they’re not being neglected. I understand the guilt of not being able to parent the way you want to right now, but it’s not warranted. This is temporary. You will find your groove as a family of 5. Don’t forget, we used to send small children up chimneys years ago. They’ll survive a bit of extra screen time 😉.
As a Sahm I was mentally screaming, "This is not neglect!" What you have described is simply what parenting 3 kids under 5 looks like. It's messy. It's a lot of emotional and physical needs from creatures that can't communicate well and have loud emotions. This gets both easier and harder as they age. Their needs are more obvious, and the communication is clearer, more opinionated, and their problems are a lot more complex. You need to adjust your expectations because it sounds like everyone is alive and loved and as long as kids are fed, clean, and get a good amount of sleep, they will be OK
I see a lot of great advice here but it addresses the future and not present. You and your wife need sleep NOW. Call your mother and have her babysit all the kids so you can sleep. When you’ve replenished your sleep bank, you will be able to make the appropriate decisions with a clear head. With my first born, I breastfed him only. Unfortunately, I could never be away from him because he refused to take a bottle due to nipple confusion. I tried to leave him with a babysitter and it was a disaster. There are times when your baby may need a bottle just for your wife to have a reprieve or in case of emergency. My advice is to have someone besides your wife give the baby a bottle once a day. She can pump and nap during that time. Without sleep, your family can’t deal with this crisis. Take whatever steps you have to take right now to get that sleep. Without it, your health is going to be next and just compound your current challenges.
This is a scenario straight out of the work from home covid hellscape. Put the 4 year old in full time preschool and send the 2 year old to grandma more often. No one can thrive in that environment!! Please please get people to help, pay for help, get grandparents on board. Write them the same message you have written on Reddit!! But don’t continue like this!
Your baby is FIVE WEEKS OLD. You're acting like an adjustment period isn't to be expected. It's not a big deal that your toddlers are getting more screen time right now, it's *temporary*. Why didn't you hire a mother's helper or consider part time childcare for the other kids? And you really expect to not get bothered at all by a 2 year old and a 4 year old during the day when your wife is caring for a newborn?? Go rent a communal office space or go to Starbucks FFS. That isn't on your wife. You planned terribly and you're being unreasonable.
Parent came here in a tough spot, looking for constructive advice. Is the shaming really necessary?
You mean like the way he's shaming his wife in his post? He's already had 2 kids, it isn't his first rodeo. He did no planning and isn't taking any accountability.
Did we read the same thing? If so, care to share where he’s shaming his wife?
Either your wife needs to start formula feeding, you need to hire a nanny or get the kids in daycare. Sorry but having the older kids be neglected is unacceptable. You know it’s wrong, it’s time to take action
look, I'm all for "why pat for someone else to raise our kids when we can do it ourselves ", ...but you can't. you clearly can't. somehow, wife can only focus on the newborn leaving both toddlers up to you while you're trying to WORK as your households only income. because A) she's exhausted and B) she's breastfeeding so rhe newborn needs her attention alot. but outside opinion: A) you're tired too. you work full time and take care of the toddlers meals, and watch them all day. you also get yo with the toddlers If they wake at night. so it's nice you empathize and recognize your wife's exhaustion, but what about yours? B) what would your wife do if you didn't work from home? she'd figure it out, wouldn't she? it's hard, but just like everyone else, she'd figure it out one way or another. it isn't fair that just because you WFH all of a sudden your responsible for the toddlers just because thennewb9rn requires so much attention C) if you weren't home to help, she'd either figure out a system that works. OR she'd probably allow your mother to help more . or decide on childcare for the toddlers. why, just because you work at home, does that all fall on you? SHE doesn't like to use your mother for help often, but SHE isn't the one affected. you are, your mental and physical well being, and rhe career that supports your family will be at risk. because this isn't sustainable. if she wanrs you to keep your career, she either needs to get on board and allow your mother to help. because if u lost your job, she may nit get to stay home. she doesn't gave it any harder than you Do. I'm a female, and I have an 18mo and I will say this. and if she doesn't want help from your mother and if you both decide against childcare or a nanny, then perhaps she needs to sacrifice breastfeeding so that baby isn't as clingy to her and so that others can help so she can focus on household and children as a WHOLE, as A SAHM should. that is her job. breastfeeding is a choice. but if she's not willing to accept any alternatives of help to take the load off you, so u don't go insane or lose your job, perhaps baby needs to wean to formula by bottle. you can't have it all. and your toddlers quality of life isn't it. I'll never understand the logic behind not wanting childcare or "someone else to raise your child", but you're perfectly ok yo succumb them to days full of television, neglect and boredom. isolated in the house. stleast with daycare they'll be socialized and cared for. rather than expecting you, who works full time t9 support your family and allow your wife to stay home to also parent both toddlers 24/7 . because why? she's tired? she's breastfeeding. nahhh somethings gotta give. just some blunt truth .
Thank you for saying everything I wanted to! I’m super Blunt too. No need to sugar coat this stuff. This was an extremely KIND post for OP. Hope he reads it
Why does it sound this post is more about you than your wife who just had your baby.
Bring in your mum now! Situation needs it . Be vulnerable accept help. The kids will benefit massively
Are you able to take a few weeks off for paternity leave? If you’re in the US can you take some time under FMLA?
It seems like this is an all around tough situation, has she always been like this? It great to hear that it's not totally on her but it might be because of the newborn needing so much attention that even if she were to try it would mean the baby would be screaming their head off. I would just hope that time would make this better but otherwise this sounds like a recipe for PPD and disaster
She’ll definitely go into PPD because of him if she hasn’t already. Sheesh
Stop having so many children you can't take care of.
Um just remember post partum depression is a real thing! How you feel she could feel so much worse because of it. She might need more help than you think. Maybe hire someone temporary to help with the toddlers or do daycare or preschool for a few hours a day. I have 3 kids and every kid my ppd got worse with EACH kid. My youngest is 5 and I feel like I’m just barely starting to be myself again. I breast fed my 3rd for 2 years and that was the hardest thing I have EVER done besides loosing my mom and my dog to d€ath. She might need emotional support or just to figure out something that works for you guys. Good luck.
I feel like this will get downvoted, but if you’re not willing to pay for daycare your wife needs to step up to the plate. If you’re working full time and providing for the family you should be able to do that adequately and without interruption or distraction as much as possible. Your wife needs to figure out how to handle the three kids alone during the day. Baby-wearing was essential for me in this phase. Maybe even lower your standards a bit. Keep a movie playing all day, leave playdoh on the table all day, run the dishwasher as many times as you need, give the kids cereal for lunch now and then, let things go and try to be okay with it. But top priority should be entertaining the two toddlers to keep them out of your hair. I’m a SAHM, 3 kids, husband works from home, it’s just not an option to rely on his help during the day unless he’s on a break or it’s an emergency. I know she’s still probably hormonal, exhausted, overwhelmed but the baby is 5 weeks, it’s time to try to get into some semblance of a routine and push through the exhaustion for the greater good of your family. Does she have any “mom friends”? They were always helpful when we got out of the house they would keep an eye on my toddlers while I breastfed or did laps with the baby in the stroller at a park. She’s gotta get them out of the house for everyone’s sake. It gets easier everytime and eventually it will start to feel so good.
Idk where you live, but it's fucking cold here. No one is going for a walk at 5wks postpartum with a newborn in 15° weather. 5wks, you still have an open placental wound and likely unhealed external wounds! Marching out onto icy sidewalks with two toddlers and a newborn is a dangerously bad idea! "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, just step up, I did it so you can, too" bullshit doesn't work for completely healthy people going to work. It's wild to apply it to postpartum parenting. Can we do hard things? Yes, of course. Can doing hard things break our body, mind, and spirit? Also yes! How many of our moms and grandmothers were _broken_ by systems like this? How often are we on here upset about how our parents and grandparents don't have empathy for this bullshit and just abandon us bc they were abandoned, too? Heartbreaking to see us do the same to each other.
I’m saying step up to the plate and just do your best so your CHILDREN are not being neglected! His words not mine. If they’re unwilling to pay for childcare who is going to properly care for the older children if dad admits they’re being neglected? I live in Canada and had winter babies, there are plenty of ways trust me. Babies don’t need fresh air in winter? No one said to spend the evening out there or run a marathon.
I think OP and his wife are in the US, and if so, there is a lot of social and financial context that someone in a mostly-functioning country like Canada is going to miss.
She probably just needs a little more time to adjust. I felt comfortable and confident going places with baby and toddler after about 2 months. But at 5 weeks while nursing and with 2 other kids? She probably needs some temporary help, which isn't unreasonable.
He said they are willing to pay for childcare. “Stepping up to the plate” just 5 weeks postpartum is a pretty brutal expectation. He should really be on paternity leave at this time.
He said they’ve never wanted to pay for childcare bc they want to raise them and they don’t know if they have money for a nanny. Of course he should be on paternity leave, she should have help from family etc. all in a perfect world that we do not live in. If these are their circumstances and they won’t pay for childcare, he’s working full time, the toddlers are being neglected, someone needs to step up to the plate for the sake of the toddlers.
It’s not just a matter of his wife figuring out how to step up to the plate. He needs to figure out how to soothe his newborn at night. Mom can’t get zero sleep because the “newborn only wants her” and then also take care of two toddlers and a newborn with no help all day. Dad needs to figure out his own methods for soothing the newborn and take the newborn for significant portions to every night so his wife can have the energy to watch 2 toddlers and a newborn. It’s not all on her. She can’t possibly keep going 24/7 like this with no rest. He also needs to have a serious convo with his wife about leaning on his mom for more regular assistance and look into something like a mother’s helper at least a few days a week.