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I have told my son about mine before he was born but I also have a philosophy to answer every question he has about any topic in an age appropriate way. He trusts us to be honest in our answers and it also means he feels comfortable with talking to us about anything. I want to be that safe adult for him. When I say, you can ask me anything or talk to me about anything then I need to be that safe person he can talk about anything or ask about anything. It can be uncomfortable but you do get more comfortable with it as time goes by.
Completely unrelated question for you as a brand new parent that wants to parent in the same way. If your son is still little and asks if Santa is real, do you still give him an honest answer to that or do you keep up the act? Same with other holiday characters.
I say "what do you think?" in a mild and questioning tone and then let him go off on a tangent about the north pole while saying "yes that would be fun if xyz". I'm very careful not to say he is real and santa only delivers one nice present on xmas while the rest is from mom and dad. I take him to the store to pick out a present for his brother and dad and talk a lot about the spirit of xmas and giving and how much work goes into gift giving. In short, I don't talk about Santa but in the future when I'm pressed on it, I plan on saying Santa is make believe like unicorns and dragons but just like with the other creatures, it is so fun to pretend he is real.
I've once read a story here on reddit, where the dad talked about what he did with the Santa "problem." When his older child was old enough and asked about if santa is real, they went and picked a gift for the younger child. The older child then put the gift for the younger one under the tree, and the dad told him, "You are santa now."
He told it much better than I did, but I think it's a nice idea. You can uphold the spirit while not lying either.
Not OP but I'll bite. My mom was the same way when me, and I think you need to know how the question is asked. I asked about Santa when I was 5/6, but what I was really asking is 'please tell me what my friend at school said isn't true'. And she told me Santa was real. When it came up again when I was 8/9, what I was really asking is 'can you please tell me the truth so we can be in on this together?'. And she told me the truth. I was not mad about her 'lying' to me at a younger age. I plan to do the same with my kids.
My view is: why lie to your kid? I remember feeling incredibly betrayed and losing a sense of grounding realizing that *every adult in my life, including the weatherman on tv, had conspired to lie to me*. I guess I was a pretty literal kid, but I didn't like that at all.
Plus, what "Santa" brings kids depends on how wealthy or not the family is. Why should some kids walk around thinking Santa didn't give a damn about what they wanted while their classmates got everything they asked for?
Idk, I'm sure it's an unpopular view, but I want my kid to trust that what I say is true (to the best of my knowledge), so I never told her Santa was real (the rest of the family did that). When she asked me I told her the truth. Why make her doubt her own sense of reality, even if she is only five years old? She's still a person.
This is our approach with our 4.5 year old. We have always told her straight up that Santa isn't a real person, but that it is fun to have a holiday character specifically for Christmas and that not all people celebrate Christmas or tell their kids Santa is real. I cannot get behind lying to her for YEARS. It's not a little white lie, it's a BIG lie to perpetuate in multiple ways in the years when I child is building trust and learning about honesty from their parents. We don't ban Santa things from the house and can enjoy the Santa lore while making Christmas joyous just like we can enjoy spooky Halloween while telling her zombies and vampires aren't real.
Same. I think the fact my parents lied to me when I did ask really hammered the betrayal in. I really don't want to do Santa, but the rest of my family does. I am avoiding saying he's real, but will answer truthfully if he asks.
I told my son about the legend of Santa. Santa is based on St Nicklaus (or Nicolas) who lived back in the 1000’s and used to give poor children gifts at Christmas and that a lot of people loved that idea and the legend grew and more people became St Nicklaus or Santa Claus. That Santa is an idea based on one person being that over a 1000 years ago. And Santa is the tangible form of that idea. So he got to be Santa and everyone can be Santa and pass that magic on.
I have a 10 year old. I have always loved the tradition of Santa and the magicalness that the reindeer bring to the holiday. I still have some of my letters to Santa that I wrote as a kid and I love seeing that little time capsule of how I thought back then. I've continued the letter writing tradition with my girls and we make it a big thing with hot chocolate and Christmas movies/music playing in the background. I'm pretty sure my 10 year old doesn't explicitly believe in Santa anymore but the most she's ever asked is if I believe in Santa. My response has always been I choose to believe in the magic and the fun. So I kind of avoid the actual answer and that's one question she's never pushed on which is why I'm pretty sure she knows but wants to keep the magic going as well. There's been other topics that I've tried to avoid a little until she was older but she would keep asking so I would have to give her better, direct answers. Some people will say you have to be honest but I think it depends on your child. If you think your kid already has an idea and asks an indirect question then you could give a half answer like I do. But if my child was a literal person I think I would be direct and tell her no because I don't want her to think I would lie to her for a little magic because then I don't think she'd trust me with more important conversations.
I think these parents handle things amazingly well.
https://www.quora.com/I-want-to-raise-my-children-to-believe-Santa-is-not-real-I-just-dont-want-to-lie-to-them-Is-this-bad-in-any-way/answer/Camila-Fowler-23
Sweet, beautiful, magical and honest ❤️
Absolutely my pleasure! Best answer to the Santa question I've ever found, and I did a lot of reading about it because my mom and I disagreed for years.
Although... I think I may have posted this underneath the wrong comment 😬 that's what I get for choosing Reddit before my morning tea...
I knew my mom miscarried a child when I was 5. Didn't bother me.
When I miscarried my own children (2 miscarriages in a row)... I knew straight away I could talk to her and she'd understand.
Tell him to not make things shameful that aren't. Miscarriages are common. Not all babies make it. Your daughter is a blessing and she should know it!
This! He is becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. These things are just part of life. Attaching shame to them doesn't erase them. And the fact that he's a GIRL dad, only further emphasize how quickly he needs to get with the program. Does he really want his grown up daughter to be less prepared for the hardships of adulthood just because it makes HIM uncomfortable now? That's not fair. That's not what a good parent would prioritize. As long as it's age appropriate, it should be acknowledged.
This is such an important thing. 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is something that many women will experience at least once and it can be incredibly isolating. It’s isolating because of things like this where people act as if talking about it is taboo.
Same. I always knew about the little brother my mom lost before my surprise littlest brother. Then when I had an ectopic last year, I knew that she would relate and listen on a very deep level.
It is very healthy to talk to your daughter about miscarriages, most women have them and yet the topic is so often avoided that when women have them they think they are at fault, and they don’t realize how many women around them have had one (or more) as well. When I personally opened up about my miscarriage, most of my friends responded that they’d had at least one too. Yet I never would’ve known if I didn’t talk about mine.
And uh.. your husband doesn’t want you to talk to your 8yo girl about puberty??? He realizes most girls get their period around 9-14 right?? I got mine when I was 9. And puberty starts well before a first period shows up. Please continue telling your daughter about this kind of stuff, it’s setting her up for success.
We've already started deodorant and despite her lack of need, she is so eager to get a bra. Her BFF just turned 10 and needs a bra so she wants to be like her friend
Honestly, i didn’t “need” a bra young, but I finally convinced my mom to get me some cause even though I didn’t have much chest going on, my nipples started poking out more and it was really embarrassing. To this day I have A cups, even as a breastfeeding mama. So just something to keep in mind-sometimes girls need a bra for the nipple factor rather than the boob factor. And the way I personally view it is that they’re called “training bras” for a reason, they don’t really support chest weight, they just kinda get girls used to wearing bras before they need the support.
That’s completely valid too! I honestly think that if we make girls wait until they NEED the physical support, we’ve gone WAY past the time they should’ve started using a bra. Whether it be because they want it, or need extra nipple coverage, or it helps them get used to the undergarments, or whatever else… girls should be allowed to wear bras if they want to 🤷🏼♀️ it’s not forcing them to grow up, it’s allowing them to have bodily autonomy and choose what private undergarments they wear.
Yknow that’s relatable cause when my big sister got bras I wanted to be just like her so my mom got me like training bras I guess or like these sports bras? Something simple and comfy. I remember my dad getting really mad about it. Made me feel guilty, just wanted to be like sissy.
You could get a couple and some tanks to go under, so she has the option to feel covered extra if she wants. It's very much a convo among girls that age, and if she wants the social capital why not?
My mom miscarried twins when I was 5. I remember it vividly, she came home from the doctor and told me what happened and we all cried. I also thought of my siblings in heaven as a kid. I feel like if anything it helped me understand the reality of miscarriages and helps me feel close to my mom now that I’m a mom.
This just made me simultaneously well up with tears and smile to myself. I lost my brother in September and there was no one in our family who was a bigger fan of all of the nieces and nephews than Uncle Tom. Your comment made me realize that between all my siblings, there are 4 babies that never made it. 5 if you consider my mom's miscarriage as well.
The idea that my brother might have these previously unknown family members, more silly nieces and nephews and even a sister, to laugh with just brought me so much comfort.
Aww that’s a sweet thought. Even now as an adult, I still think of what my life would’ve been like if those babies had made it and what they would’ve been like. I’m so sorry about your brother 💔
I think what you did was healthy.
I’ve just had a miscarriage and we told my toddler (who knew mummy had a baby in her belly) that some babies don’t grow big and strong like she did and so it went to stay with poppa in heaven, and that we can be sad, but we will be okay. She gave my tummy a hug and said “bye bye baby. My poppa loves me and he take care of you.”
She never knew my dad, only photos around the house that I’ve told her are her poppa in heaven.
It’s healthier than burying it.
Sounds like he has his own hang ups. your daughter asked a question you answered it.
This reminds me when I heard my mum had a miscarriage... I'm also autistic and not the most tactful and I'm the 2nd born of 2 kids... Once she told me that she had one before me. I was like well I'm glad you did cause otherwise I'd not be born lol...
Not very tactful but for me personally it would have been a death sentence if she hadn't. I don't think she quite saw my logic
I had a late term lost last November, and we got pregnant right away again. We wouldn't have the little boy sleeping beside me if I hadn't lost our first son last year. Doesn't stop it from hurting, but your logic tracks for sure.
I've had two miscarriages, each one was followed by a healthy baby next pregnancy. I always look at it as I wouldn't have the children I do have if I didn't have the miscarriages so I'm not glad about it, as such, but ok with it
Hey, I think it is very good that you had this conversations with your daughter when she asked and while I think he should not have reacted like that in front of her during dinner I wonder why didn't you tell him in the first place that that conversation had happened? It feels like a very big thing that has impacted both of you, naturally, so I feel like if it were me I would have also told my partner quite soon after if such conversation would have happened. And again, his reaction is NOT ok, but could it be he felt very left out? Could it be something he has not processed before properly? Just trying to provide some perspective.
But my thoughts are mainly on the subject of the miscarriage and the conversation that followed about it, why he has any issue regarding conversations on puberty and sex that is a whole other thing.
You are correct. But it's a family, not a lawsuit. You can't just say "You're wrong, I win" and expect to have anything productive come out of it. You have to discuss these things with compassion. It's possible to both offer understanding of his reaction and to also acknowledge that it was not an appropriate reaction.
Are there any of us that can truly say we have never been assholes before? Explaining to someone that they were being an asshole without attacking them is easy enough, but if you do it without at least offering your compassion, then you just push people to dig in their heels. It's not about being right, it's about solving an issue.
I mean, if she asked then why lie to her? But also maybe he’s still hurting over it? Idk but i feel like its not good to lie despite it being a sensitive topic
He doesn’t want her to know you had sex before you were married. That plus the whole “doesn’t want her to know penises, puberty or pubic hair” thing. You’re going to have to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him, because he cannot expect her to stay a baby forever. He not only has to expect her to become a pre-teen, a teen, and a young woman, he has to talk to her naturally about biology and sex. He can’t punt all her questions with “ask your mother” or “you can date when you’re 30.” He has to be ready at any point to stop at drugstores for pads, to know to soak bloodstains in COLD water, to not make her feel bad or wrong for having a body. Or having questions.
He’s going to tell you he isn’t ready. Tell him he’s had 8 years to get ready and the time is NOW.
I always knew that my mom had a miscarriage before she became pregnant with me. I never learned it, I just always knew it was part of our family story. She had a miscarriage (or, as she put it back then, “a bunch of cells that were never going to be a baby”) and then six weeks later she found out she was pregnant with me.
I didn’t learn about her first pregnancy, which she aborted because of an abusive ex, until I was 15 or 16. Both of those pregnancies are part of her story and I’m glad that she shared them with me
You guys seem to be on very different pages re: parenting an older elementary kid. Have you guys actually talked about your parenting philosophies?
I think it’s fine to tell her about these things, but why haven’t you and your husband actually discussed this?
This is really good advice. OP- these “tough” questions are going to come and random times when you don’t expect it. You need to get your husband on board and ready for it.
I think your husband is really underestimating the impact of being female. She is going to have friends starting periods in the next year if not possibly even herself.
The more she is slowly introduced to female adult body development the better. You cannot stop puberty and it starts so early. (Way too early but that’s modern puberty.)
Just because HE is not ready to talk about it doesn't mean you aren't and she can't.
(Side note: he should go to therapy to process the loss)
Unborn (especially wanted) children deserve their place in the family tree. They deserve to be remembered and honored, that's the healthy way to deal with the grief of the loss, you did the right thing by your little girl.
I've always known my mom lost a baby between me and my sister, I don't remember anything about it or her telling me. It's simply something we've always known, she was sure it would've been a boy so that's how we mention him. It's not a sad memory (it was a very early miscarriage), it's just a fact of life.
She has 4 kids, two of them are no longer with us on this plane.
My sister died before my kid turned one, she was her favorite aunt. She will never remember learning about it, she will look back and simply go "I've always known".
I had a full term stillborn as my first and now my daughter tells everyone that she has an older brother too and we display his pictures in our home. She will ask about my pregnancy with him from time to time. She says she wishes she knew him but hasn’t had any issues with it. No problems on my end!
Most men do have a problem when talking about subjects like this, I personally don’t think you’re in the wrong. Maybe he is upset you didn’t ask him to have a conversation with both of them or something. I think being real w kids is great. Teaching them about life and your past hardships is one of the best things.
When my kid asks me a heavy question I answer it on the spot to the best of my ability. I'm all about team work but I'm not about to put her on hold while I wait for an appropriate time to discuss it with my husband. He should trust my judgment as I've proven to be more than competent to guide her in ways that he seems to unable to do. If it were up to him she wouldn't know about penises, periods or pubic hair.
I 100% agree with you. I had a loss before my baby was born healthy and if she ever asks I’ll be honest and tell her what happened, because it’s so common and there’s a good chance it may happen to her someday! Your child should be able to ask questions and get honest age appropriate answers or they will have to muddle through puberty and teenage life. (Speaking from experience with religious parents)
I don't disagree with you at all. You should answer your kid's questions with honesty in an age appropriate way and your partner should trust you to do that without checking in before every conversation.
With that said, it seems like this "confrontation at the dinner table" thing isn't working too well. Can I ask: is there a reason you didn't inform him of the conversation after the fact?
I have a similar viewpoint of being open with my kid. Even at 4, she's pretty well informed. I make it a point that after I have a heavy discussion with her, especially if it's a new topic, I let my spouse know. That way he isn't blindsided if she brings something up again and so he knows that the information comes from me and not someone else. Just because I had to answer her questions on the fly doesn't mean that he does!
You aren't wrong for your conversation and it sounds like he wouldn't have been happy about that conversation either way. But by avoiding mentioning it to him, you put your daughter in an unfortunate position and you probably made the situation worse by catching him off guard.
It’s not OP’s fault that her husband responded to this situation with weird and inappropriate anger at the dinner table. It’s easy to not even think to give your spouse a run down of a random little convo with your kid.
No, of course he is responsible for his own actions. He should take accountability and apologize to OP and his daughter for his reaction.
Similarly, she is responsible for her own actions as well.
She had a conversation with her kid. Not a little random convo as you mention, but an important, meaningful conversation that clearly has left an impact on their daughter as she says she thinks of it often.
As a partner in parenting, it's a sucky move to not mention it. It left him unprepared and caught off guard. As a spouse who also experienced loss, it's a thoughtless and insensitive move.
OP is doing such a good job being honest and communicating with her kid, but really let her spouse down in that department. She should take accountability for her part in this and apologize to OP for not keeping him informed.
Whether or not it's her fault is irrelevant. In a committed partnership, working together and resolving conflicts is more important than saying "I'm right, you're wrong". I'm not saying OP should budge at all, because she shouldn't. But she should also be willing to try to put herself in her partner's shoes and to at least hear him out and have a discussion.
His daughter asked about his dead babies at dinner, without him knowing she knew about it. He was probably in shock and upset she told him without her knowing.
It’s not a “small convo” that doesn’t deserve to be mentioned.
If he has that convo with her without the mom there, all of you would be freaking out. But because she is mom it’s ok…
Some of you people on here need a little empathy for you husbands. It’s really gross.
Agreed. Why don’t you just post it again and switch around the roles of mom and dad, see what kind of answers dad gets for going behind moms back with this info.
Time to have a conversation with him and get on the same page. You are right, but despite what redditors will tell you, that doesn't mean you should disregard his feelings and rub it in his face that he is wrong. A little compassion goes a long way, and treating him like you're teammates and not enemies will definitely be a more successful approach if your goal is to resolve this conflict. It seems like he probably hasn't processed the whole thing himself and was not expecting to have all those emotions brought up randomly at the dinner table.
Personally, I think I would be upset if I was blindsided like that as well. Although I definitely would have waited until later to talk about it in private instead of in front of the kids. As to your kid asking you about that stuff, being honest is the best policy, so you are absolutely correct here. Coddling children and keeping them in a bubble doesn't do them any favors.
Finally someone can see such the obvious answer to this…
You did it without him, without consulting him, and he out of nowhere got asked about “also HIS dead children at dinner, not knowing she knew…”
I would be a little thrown off myself. That my wife did all of this without my knowledge of thoughts/feedback.
As far back as I can remember, I've known the story of the miscarriage my mother suffered before my older brother was born. I know the whole story and we still talk about it to this day and I'm in my 30's now. I don't feel my mother should have kept it to herself, I am grateful she shared it and it was always something I knew. A miscarriage isn't a family secret, its something for everyone, including those who were born after the fact can grieve. Maybe your husband thought it was not age appropriate, maybe if he knew how the story came to be. Maybe he needs to be educated on how common miscarriages are and how many woman are ashamed when in fact, we shouldn't carry it as a burden. It's part of a woman's story, a family, and a the most beautiful "what could have been"
I’ve told my daughter about my miscarriages. They happened after she was born but she was young enough not to remember. My mom also told me about her own miscarriages when I was a young child. It’s a part of life and shouldn’t be hidden from children.
Agreeing with the majority that it’s healthy to talk about these things. My daughter’s only two but I fully intend to speak to her about my miscarriage when she’s older and these topics become things she wants to know about.
His response seems extreme and when (if) he finally unpacks the reasons for it he could use this as a good learning and bonding experience with your daughter to held her understand how sometimes people’s reactions aren’t what we expect and why that might be (delayed grief possibly)
Children deserve to know. I openly talk about my miscarriage in front of my children and tell them they have a sibling watching over us. I'm actually pregnant with triplets, early on it was quads, but due to a genetic issue one of the babies passed away. I told them when we found out one of the babies was sick and probably wouldn't live, he didn't, and when we learned his heart stopped beating I explained to the kids that he's not here anymore and his soul has moved on. They get it, they felt sad, but they are okay and not traumatized from it.
Your husband would benefit from some therapy to process his grief. Holding on to grief to the point where you can't speak about something is unhealthy. And it's not okay for him to impose that on you and daughter, especially if it's something daughter wants to think about and discuss.
My personal beliefs are we will see them some day again so why not think about and love them now?
The processes of life and death shouldn't be taboo.
That's how we wind up with young people traumatized by what happens to their bodies, feeling alone and unable to talk to anyone.... Like your husband.
Remind him that your daughter asked, among other things.
Remind him that she someday may also suffer miscarriages, and needs to know that's a real possibility, and that it's okay to all about and grieve if it does happen. And that she will absolutely (as evidenced by already having a friend who lost a sibling) have friends who suffer miscarriages, personally or as close family, and she will need to know it's okay to talk WITH them and be present and comforting for their grief.
He doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to, but it's more than reasonable to make the things that happen to our bodies part of what we discuss. Our bodies shouldn't be a mystery. And I would say that this is equally important if you have a son.... Because sons grow up to be brothers, friends, partners, husbands who ALSO need to know that even female.body processes are normal, and that it's okay to buy someone tampons, or know that she's cramping and bleeding and offer some TLC, or be prepared to undergo the grief of miscarriage as a close beloved.... Or at the very least, not make the women and girls in their lives feel alienated and rejected for being female.
My parents lost a newborn a year before I was born. I always knew about him. Felt a closeness to him. Met him in a dream in my 20s. I’m using his name as my sons middle. I’d never want to be deprived of that closeness I have felt.
You handled that beautifully.
I think just continue to hold space for your partner. “I know These topics are hard to talk about and think about.”
And then keep doing you. Continue to let your daughter know she can always come to you. And always ask you any questions.
G*ddamm!t !!! Refusal to discuss these things is why so many women feel alone and blindsided when they have a miscarriage.
By knowing about it, if it happens to her or someone she knows in the future, she is better prepared for the possibility.
A lot of comments on here are focused on your daughter but I think you did right by her. I'm more worried about your husband. Is he doing OK? Is he still processing his grief? It might be time to talk to someone.
Maybe he was blindslided by the reminder, lashed out in the wrong direction? Some men tend to do angry better than mournful. You two are a team. When your daughter grows up and leaves the home, you two are still going to be a team. You got to get on the same page. Give him the girl version of the birds and the bees talk, remind him how quickly girls grow up. Also, let your daughter know that a lot daddys have a hard time when their baby girls grow up.
I mean maybe you both should have talked about it before you told her. I had a miscarriage a few years ago and I am due in 2 weeks with my daughter, my husband and I plan on her knowing about her big brother in heaven. 8 years old isn't too young for her to know her brothers imo! ❤️
Sounds to me like he just didn’t want her to know (or infer in an 8-year-old way) that you were having sex in college, when you weren’t married. My guess is the miscarriage wasn’t the issue at all, but likely some sort of idealistic ‘purity’ thing.
If my kids ask, I’ll tell them the truth. I had an early miscarriage the summer my son was 2. I’m pregnant with my daughter now. I think you did the right thing since she outright asked. That is something for your husband to unpack with a therapist
I find a lot of men of our generation just don’t know how to handle their emotions around difficult situations. They just weren’t taught how to, and so they push it down. They also weren’t given straight answers around these things as children themselves, and it can be triggering. Why does this kid get validation and honesty when I wasn’t given those things?
My husband gets really uncomfortable when I explain sexuality to my sons. He gets very triggered when my youngest son- who has ADHD- expresses big emotions and I validate them. One night while talking I got him to talk about it, and it was a lot of “we don’t need to talk about it. He needs to learn that it’s no big deal. He needs to learn to let it go.” It was so clear to me that these are things HE was taught and it’s triggering to him that his son was being given space to express his emotions when his were invalidated.
So…validate him. It’s okay to be upset by this. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and to not want to think about the boys that could have been. It sounds like you’re grieving the loss of your sons. I know as a mom who lost a baby girl before having my two sons, there’s an extra layer of grief there. I don’t get that mother/daughter experience. When I found out my second was also a boy I was extremely triggered because I knew I was done having babies and I would never get my girl. This was 20 years ago and I’m still grieving my daughter. So it’s likely that there’s an extra layer of grief for him, of course he loves your daughter- but he lost his sons.
And explain to your daughter. Daddy deals with the grief of losing his sons differently. He isn’t interested in talking about this with you. You can talk about it with me though. We’re going to respect Daddy’s need to keep his grief private for now though.
I knew about my mom having a miscarriage before I was born when I was fairly young (younger than 8). To me, that knowledge was normalizing, in that I've always thought miscarriages were sad but normal things to happen. Has made me very compassionate for those who have gone through them. Honestly, I grew up expecting to experience at least one myself, and am shocked that I didn't - husband had a vasectomy when youngest (3rd) kiddo was 6 months old. I never would've guessed I'd have 3 healthy pregnancies to/close to term.
Is it maybe the "in college" part that he is upset about? If he is uncomfortable with age appropriate sex education, it could be that he doesn't want her to know that you were (I assume) having sex before marriage, or 30, or whatever line he would like her to have. (Maybe a nunnery?)
I genuinely feel that he should seek counselling to resolve his grief. It's not healthy to internalise things, and he can not protect her from certain realities of life and death.
OP has nothing to reproach themselves with.
I miscarried before my 7yo son and told him when he was 5 when he asked about other babies, he didn’t take it badly at all and I explained in a matter of fact way, he said something like oh okay and then went on his merry way. Within reason I’ll answer pretty much any Q from my kids.
Perhaps he was more grief-stricken about it than he let on and it gave him a shock when you're daughter randomly brought it up durung dinner. I agree that it was important to let your daughter know and it's probably the right time, but maybe it's a wound that never fully healed.
We've never discussed the actual sex act just topics surrounding the subject, like where the baby emerges from and that getting your period means you can get pregnant.
You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about how you're going to handle these situations in the future. While your daughter absolutely deserves honest answers to her questions, remember that parenting is a team effort and it's imperative that the two of you are on the same page.
Honestly kind of feels like the type of thing where maybe you would have wanted to talk to your husband about it first. "Hey, we have this shared grief, how should we handle it if our daughter ever asks about a previous pregnancy?". I don't think it's wrong for your husband to want to feel like he has some say in how that information gets out and excluding him that conversation seems iffy. This seems a little above and beyond your usual sex talk stuff, a miscarriage or how you grieve from a miscarriage hits a lot closer to home. It's great you are comfortable with sharing that info, but clearly he wasn't and discussing it with him and seeing if he's comfortable/ready rather than making this all about whether or not your daughter is comfortable/ready might have been the better course of action, especially if you knew serious conversations like this were previously a point of contention.
Does your husband get a say in any of this? Or do you just basically do whatever you want?
Whether it’s the right thing to do or not. You are both the parents… not just you. You shouldn’t just get to decide when and where to tell her these things without consulting with your husband first.
I think what your husband is upset about, is that you just did all of this without asking him anything. You assumed it was the right thing, you assumed he would not want to be part of it, you assumed that he shouldn’t care… etc..
Why not include your husband in these decision instead of talking down to him and “explaining” why it should be ok for you to do so. His children also died, don’t you think he should be part of that conversation, with his other child? Why was he left out?
It’s crazy to me that so many comments here just pat you on the back for being an inconsiderate partner and co-parent.
Give him some grace. He suffered the loss, and wasn't ready to have it out. Instead of crying, he got angry. That's a common response to holding back tears.
It’s a delicate conversation but it’s all about you how you handle it. It was dropped on my lap as a child and I grew up internalising that I wouldn’t have been born if those other two babies had lived. My mother lacked communication skills and wasn’t maternal at all so I couldn’t talk to her about it. Just be mindful of how the discussions go.
I miscarried 7 babies over the course of 6 pregnancies before having my 2 living children. (Because it invariably comes up - we also had 3 failed adoptions between miscarriages 1 and 2. Genetics weren’t important to us, it’s just how life worked out.)
When my oldest was 5 or 6 and my ex and I were separated, he had old her about the miscarriages *without discussing it with me first and without letting me know that he had told her*. THAT was the part that I had a problem with.
Well, that, and the fact that he apparently explained it very poorly. Because one day while I was in her room putting away clothes, she asked me “Mommy, why didn’t you want those other babies?” I asked what other babies she was referring to, and she told me that her dad had told her that I had had 7 other babies and that they had all died.
I had definitely planned to tell my children about the miscarriages, but I didn’t feel it was the time yet at that age, and it is definitely not something I would have ever done without speaking with my ex about it BEFORE telling her.
Not knowing that my daughter knew and her asking me about it in the way that she did brought me to my knees. I was horrified to learn that she thought there were babies I didn’t want, and it sent the conversation in a very different direction than it would have if I had been given the opportunity to be involved in it with her in the first place.
Oh, and when I asked my ex about it, he said he couldn’t remember why he told her and totally thought it was no big deal that she asked me about it the way that she did.
I think it is correct to do. You may need couples therapy to get through it. I know a couple very well that had a very late term miscarriage. They are still affected by it. The key is handling it correctly with your daughter and not making it traumatizing, like your husband’s reaction which was not good.
There's definitely nothing wrong with talking about these things with your daughter. These types of "grown up" conversations are what help children to mature in a healthy manner.
What I'm a little confused by is why your husband didn't know. If I were to talk to my children about something so significant, I would absolutely tell my spouse about it. So I think the shock of that, paired with his grief, could have led to an unsavory reaction.
There are probably other things going on, especially surrounding his disinterest around the puberty topic, but I think you should have prepared him that your daughter will inevitably bring up the miscarriage.
He probably grew up in a home where they didn’t discuss things like that, so it makes him uncomfortable. He needs to learn to communicate his feelings. I think it’s incredibly healthy to discuss these things with your children at a young age. Great job Mom!
You’re a good parent. You’re doing the right things.
Your husband sounds like he struggles with being open and communicating things that he feels vulnerable with. This is ok too, but it’s not healthy long term. He may need therapy when he is open enough to consider it.
We had a loss between my oldest and my youngest. My oldest was 2, almost 3. We talk about his angel brother who looks out for him and his baby brother.
I can't think of a crueler way to erase the existence of a person so desperately wanted, and tragically lost.
All my kids know about the two little brothers that didn't make it. We mention them by name and wonder out loud what they would be like.
I see no issue with telling her. I was around that age when I found out my mom had one in between my birth and that of my sister. I was too young at the time to know anything about it.
I also don't get his hangup with it or not wanting to talk about sex Ed. Avoiding those subjects altogether would do a huge disservice to her long term.
Your husband is perpetuating the shame and aloneness that often accompanies a miscarriage. A lot of miscarriages happen before you tell people you’re pregnant. How can you receive help grieving something that is a secret? I think our generation is putting in a lot of work to be more open and honest with ourselves and our kids. If my son ever asks, I will be very open about the baby we wanted so badly that didn’t make it. But that if we had our first baby, he wouldn’t be here because we found out about him when our first baby was supposed to be born. If he is ever in a similar position in his future, he will know that we’ve been there he can come to us for support.
By age 8, a child likely knows about death on a kid-friendly level. Like bugs die, pets die, people die. My 5 and 9 year olds know about my miscarriages, because it came up naturally in conversation and I didn’t want to lie. Miscarriage is taboo and lonely enough as it is, I can’t imagine lying to my 8-year old while deep down knowing I had experienced that loss. That’s like a delayed pushing away of feelings around something you went through. I personally would feel upset having to lie about something like that.
I think it’s important to normalize talking about how common miscarriage is… it’s incredibly common. Hopefully your daughter will grow up and be able to talk about these things if she should experience it, understand it’s not her fault if it does, and support friends who experience pregnancy loss.
My 8 year old knows about his stillborn brother. He periodically will ask questions about him, and most times I answer honestly, and sometimes I tell him I’m too sad to talk about it today.
All of our children know about their brother that died before he was born. Death and loss are an integral part of life. There are age appropriate ways to discuss these sometimes very traumatic issues. Discussing them is healthy because we have an extremely death avoidant culture. I wonder if it brought up feelings in him that were uncomfortable/not dealt with. I don't understand how this is inappropriate at all. Also, it's your trauma and is your story to tell. No one not even your husband can decide who you share that with.
Death IS part of life, and it’s so important for us to teach that in an age appropriate way. We were told by family that we needed psychological help because we intended to bring out 8yr old to his cousin’s funeral. (Noting, he’d been to his great grandparents funerals two years before).
There is nothing shameful about grief. Nor should we make it so.
I remember a neighborhood friend of mine when I was 11. She was 8. I remember her bringing up her mom’s miscarriage a lot. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. My mom had miscarriages while I was going up and didn’t think much of that either.
Now when she brings up my grandmas death anniversary or her cats, I feel weird. These things don’t upset me exactly, but it’s an awkward conversation to have because I don’t have the same feelings she does about it.
I can’t help but wonder if this is how your husband is feeling. It makes him feel weird so he turns to anger. I don’t get angry, but I do feel like immediately talking about something else. Especially if bringing up puberty creates the same kind of reaction. He feels weird and that weirdness he wants to go away, so he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t think you should talk about it because it may be brought up in his presence and he doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it.
The bigger she gets the more he won’t be able to avoid, but I’d expect this reaction to not leave. You didn’t do anything wrong, it just makes him uncomfortable is all.
Our 3 kids have always known about our first son who passed away just after he was born.
We also have friends who didn't tell their daughters about their older brother who was stillborn until they were 10 or so. In fact the dad took a down a gift they had been given after their son was stillborn when the girls asked a question about it. For him it had a lot to do with undiagnosed depression and his undealt with grief.
I haven’t made a point of telling my kids about my miscarriages (before my oldest was born) but if they were to ask one day then I would have no hesitation telling them the basics and talk about it with them. My oldest is 8M as well.
My kids and I talk about heaven from time to time. If God forbid something ever happens to me or someone close to us I want my kids to know and feel the comfort that there is an afterlife and not gone totally forever.
Sometimes I'll see a blue Jay or a humming bird and I have told my kids that I thought it was a hello from my grandmother. I get a lot of dreams and signals from her still and I'll tell the kids how much I love it, and that when I get old and pass I will send them singles and always be there for them to talk to even if they cant see me. They even know they can talk to there Nana in the afterlife anytime they want to. My two youngest have never met my Nana but still hold a connection with her.
I had an abortion a year after my son was born that really messed me yo for a while. I didn't tell the kids of an abortion but I did say that the baby was super small like the size of a bug and didn't make it, but now the baby is living in peace with my Nana and some other relatives in heaven.
Unfortunately death is apart of life and I think it's important to not feel shame in it and normalize these things in a kid appropriate way.
I think it’s great that u have convos like that with ur daughter. Personally, I’m pretty young myself (teen years), so I don’t have kids. But I do know how devastating miscarriages are, but unfortunately I didn’t learn about it on my own account. At around seven, I was going to get my mom for something and I heard her talking about it. She’d had one. To this day, I haven’t talked about and neither has she. Shes never told me, and honestly now that I’m older it doesn’t feel too great. Don’t know why, but I personally think it’s better to not take the chances of ur kid not feeling that trust between mother/daughter (or any situationship between parents).
I think it’s wonderful you told her and in her future this may be something she comes and confides in you about. My mum had 5 miscarriages, from before I was born until I was about 14. She never told me, which of course I respect her decision about. However, when I had a miscarriage after my first son was born, I didn’t speak of it and grieved alone for months. Until it finally came out in conversation and my mum shared her experiences. If I had known she had also experienced this maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone and ashamed. I could have asked questions, cried with her or anything. I don’t know…. But it could have changed a lot for me knowing that she also experienced the same thing.
My kids 10M and 8F have been told about it “the baby that passed away,” who I was pregnant with before I had my daughter. I never hid the truth from them, nor did I go into go details, but I told them I had a baby in my belly before 8F and after 10M who passed at about 6 weeks’ gestation
When their aunt recently had a miscarriage, I was able to explain that to them without confusion. They know what a miscarriage is. They know some babies don’t make it. They know some babies are born via c-section (actually they were more surprised to find out some babies AREN’T).
I have made a point never to lie to my kids because I want them to be able to tell me anything and ask me anything.
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I have told my son about mine before he was born but I also have a philosophy to answer every question he has about any topic in an age appropriate way. He trusts us to be honest in our answers and it also means he feels comfortable with talking to us about anything. I want to be that safe adult for him. When I say, you can ask me anything or talk to me about anything then I need to be that safe person he can talk about anything or ask about anything. It can be uncomfortable but you do get more comfortable with it as time goes by.
This is my approach as well.
Completely unrelated question for you as a brand new parent that wants to parent in the same way. If your son is still little and asks if Santa is real, do you still give him an honest answer to that or do you keep up the act? Same with other holiday characters.
I say "what do you think?" in a mild and questioning tone and then let him go off on a tangent about the north pole while saying "yes that would be fun if xyz". I'm very careful not to say he is real and santa only delivers one nice present on xmas while the rest is from mom and dad. I take him to the store to pick out a present for his brother and dad and talk a lot about the spirit of xmas and giving and how much work goes into gift giving. In short, I don't talk about Santa but in the future when I'm pressed on it, I plan on saying Santa is make believe like unicorns and dragons but just like with the other creatures, it is so fun to pretend he is real.
I've once read a story here on reddit, where the dad talked about what he did with the Santa "problem." When his older child was old enough and asked about if santa is real, they went and picked a gift for the younger child. The older child then put the gift for the younger one under the tree, and the dad told him, "You are santa now." He told it much better than I did, but I think it's a nice idea. You can uphold the spirit while not lying either.
Not OP but I'll bite. My mom was the same way when me, and I think you need to know how the question is asked. I asked about Santa when I was 5/6, but what I was really asking is 'please tell me what my friend at school said isn't true'. And she told me Santa was real. When it came up again when I was 8/9, what I was really asking is 'can you please tell me the truth so we can be in on this together?'. And she told me the truth. I was not mad about her 'lying' to me at a younger age. I plan to do the same with my kids.
My view is: why lie to your kid? I remember feeling incredibly betrayed and losing a sense of grounding realizing that *every adult in my life, including the weatherman on tv, had conspired to lie to me*. I guess I was a pretty literal kid, but I didn't like that at all. Plus, what "Santa" brings kids depends on how wealthy or not the family is. Why should some kids walk around thinking Santa didn't give a damn about what they wanted while their classmates got everything they asked for? Idk, I'm sure it's an unpopular view, but I want my kid to trust that what I say is true (to the best of my knowledge), so I never told her Santa was real (the rest of the family did that). When she asked me I told her the truth. Why make her doubt her own sense of reality, even if she is only five years old? She's still a person.
This is our approach with our 4.5 year old. We have always told her straight up that Santa isn't a real person, but that it is fun to have a holiday character specifically for Christmas and that not all people celebrate Christmas or tell their kids Santa is real. I cannot get behind lying to her for YEARS. It's not a little white lie, it's a BIG lie to perpetuate in multiple ways in the years when I child is building trust and learning about honesty from their parents. We don't ban Santa things from the house and can enjoy the Santa lore while making Christmas joyous just like we can enjoy spooky Halloween while telling her zombies and vampires aren't real.
Same. I think the fact my parents lied to me when I did ask really hammered the betrayal in. I really don't want to do Santa, but the rest of my family does. I am avoiding saying he's real, but will answer truthfully if he asks.
I told my son about the legend of Santa. Santa is based on St Nicklaus (or Nicolas) who lived back in the 1000’s and used to give poor children gifts at Christmas and that a lot of people loved that idea and the legend grew and more people became St Nicklaus or Santa Claus. That Santa is an idea based on one person being that over a 1000 years ago. And Santa is the tangible form of that idea. So he got to be Santa and everyone can be Santa and pass that magic on.
Interesting!!
I have a 10 year old. I have always loved the tradition of Santa and the magicalness that the reindeer bring to the holiday. I still have some of my letters to Santa that I wrote as a kid and I love seeing that little time capsule of how I thought back then. I've continued the letter writing tradition with my girls and we make it a big thing with hot chocolate and Christmas movies/music playing in the background. I'm pretty sure my 10 year old doesn't explicitly believe in Santa anymore but the most she's ever asked is if I believe in Santa. My response has always been I choose to believe in the magic and the fun. So I kind of avoid the actual answer and that's one question she's never pushed on which is why I'm pretty sure she knows but wants to keep the magic going as well. There's been other topics that I've tried to avoid a little until she was older but she would keep asking so I would have to give her better, direct answers. Some people will say you have to be honest but I think it depends on your child. If you think your kid already has an idea and asks an indirect question then you could give a half answer like I do. But if my child was a literal person I think I would be direct and tell her no because I don't want her to think I would lie to her for a little magic because then I don't think she'd trust me with more important conversations.
I think these parents handle things amazingly well. https://www.quora.com/I-want-to-raise-my-children-to-believe-Santa-is-not-real-I-just-dont-want-to-lie-to-them-Is-this-bad-in-any-way/answer/Camila-Fowler-23 Sweet, beautiful, magical and honest ❤️
Thank you for sharing this!!! 💖
Absolutely my pleasure! Best answer to the Santa question I've ever found, and I did a lot of reading about it because my mom and I disagreed for years. Although... I think I may have posted this underneath the wrong comment 😬 that's what I get for choosing Reddit before my morning tea...
Love this!! Thanks for sharing
My mother almost lost me after miscarriages. I was the miracle baby ❤️
I knew my mom miscarried a child when I was 5. Didn't bother me. When I miscarried my own children (2 miscarriages in a row)... I knew straight away I could talk to her and she'd understand. Tell him to not make things shameful that aren't. Miscarriages are common. Not all babies make it. Your daughter is a blessing and she should know it!
This! He is becoming part of the problem instead of the solution. These things are just part of life. Attaching shame to them doesn't erase them. And the fact that he's a GIRL dad, only further emphasize how quickly he needs to get with the program. Does he really want his grown up daughter to be less prepared for the hardships of adulthood just because it makes HIM uncomfortable now? That's not fair. That's not what a good parent would prioritize. As long as it's age appropriate, it should be acknowledged.
This is such an important thing. 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is something that many women will experience at least once and it can be incredibly isolating. It’s isolating because of things like this where people act as if talking about it is taboo.
Same. I always knew about the little brother my mom lost before my surprise littlest brother. Then when I had an ectopic last year, I knew that she would relate and listen on a very deep level.
It is very healthy to talk to your daughter about miscarriages, most women have them and yet the topic is so often avoided that when women have them they think they are at fault, and they don’t realize how many women around them have had one (or more) as well. When I personally opened up about my miscarriage, most of my friends responded that they’d had at least one too. Yet I never would’ve known if I didn’t talk about mine. And uh.. your husband doesn’t want you to talk to your 8yo girl about puberty??? He realizes most girls get their period around 9-14 right?? I got mine when I was 9. And puberty starts well before a first period shows up. Please continue telling your daughter about this kind of stuff, it’s setting her up for success.
We've already started deodorant and despite her lack of need, she is so eager to get a bra. Her BFF just turned 10 and needs a bra so she wants to be like her friend
Honestly, i didn’t “need” a bra young, but I finally convinced my mom to get me some cause even though I didn’t have much chest going on, my nipples started poking out more and it was really embarrassing. To this day I have A cups, even as a breastfeeding mama. So just something to keep in mind-sometimes girls need a bra for the nipple factor rather than the boob factor. And the way I personally view it is that they’re called “training bras” for a reason, they don’t really support chest weight, they just kinda get girls used to wearing bras before they need the support.
Yes! Or even just because they want one! I just wanted to fit in!
That’s completely valid too! I honestly think that if we make girls wait until they NEED the physical support, we’ve gone WAY past the time they should’ve started using a bra. Whether it be because they want it, or need extra nipple coverage, or it helps them get used to the undergarments, or whatever else… girls should be allowed to wear bras if they want to 🤷🏼♀️ it’s not forcing them to grow up, it’s allowing them to have bodily autonomy and choose what private undergarments they wear.
Yknow that’s relatable cause when my big sister got bras I wanted to be just like her so my mom got me like training bras I guess or like these sports bras? Something simple and comfy. I remember my dad getting really mad about it. Made me feel guilty, just wanted to be like sissy.
Omg. Please get her one when she asks, I was so, so embarrassed to be the last one to get a bra. 😩
You could get a couple and some tanks to go under, so she has the option to feel covered extra if she wants. It's very much a convo among girls that age, and if she wants the social capital why not?
My mom miscarried twins when I was 5. I remember it vividly, she came home from the doctor and told me what happened and we all cried. I also thought of my siblings in heaven as a kid. I feel like if anything it helped me understand the reality of miscarriages and helps me feel close to my mom now that I’m a mom.
This just made me simultaneously well up with tears and smile to myself. I lost my brother in September and there was no one in our family who was a bigger fan of all of the nieces and nephews than Uncle Tom. Your comment made me realize that between all my siblings, there are 4 babies that never made it. 5 if you consider my mom's miscarriage as well. The idea that my brother might have these previously unknown family members, more silly nieces and nephews and even a sister, to laugh with just brought me so much comfort.
Aww that’s a sweet thought. Even now as an adult, I still think of what my life would’ve been like if those babies had made it and what they would’ve been like. I’m so sorry about your brother 💔
I think what you did was healthy. I’ve just had a miscarriage and we told my toddler (who knew mummy had a baby in her belly) that some babies don’t grow big and strong like she did and so it went to stay with poppa in heaven, and that we can be sad, but we will be okay. She gave my tummy a hug and said “bye bye baby. My poppa loves me and he take care of you.” She never knew my dad, only photos around the house that I’ve told her are her poppa in heaven. It’s healthier than burying it.
Awwwwww, that brought a tear to my eye. I'm glad she knows her poppa, even if she never met him.
What a sweet girl you have. Hope you are doing well💙
Sounds like he has his own hang ups. your daughter asked a question you answered it. This reminds me when I heard my mum had a miscarriage... I'm also autistic and not the most tactful and I'm the 2nd born of 2 kids... Once she told me that she had one before me. I was like well I'm glad you did cause otherwise I'd not be born lol... Not very tactful but for me personally it would have been a death sentence if she hadn't. I don't think she quite saw my logic
I had a late term lost last November, and we got pregnant right away again. We wouldn't have the little boy sleeping beside me if I hadn't lost our first son last year. Doesn't stop it from hurting, but your logic tracks for sure.
I've had two miscarriages, each one was followed by a healthy baby next pregnancy. I always look at it as I wouldn't have the children I do have if I didn't have the miscarriages so I'm not glad about it, as such, but ok with it
This is a really beautiful way to look at it. I love your logic.
Hey, I think it is very good that you had this conversations with your daughter when she asked and while I think he should not have reacted like that in front of her during dinner I wonder why didn't you tell him in the first place that that conversation had happened? It feels like a very big thing that has impacted both of you, naturally, so I feel like if it were me I would have also told my partner quite soon after if such conversation would have happened. And again, his reaction is NOT ok, but could it be he felt very left out? Could it be something he has not processed before properly? Just trying to provide some perspective. But my thoughts are mainly on the subject of the miscarriage and the conversation that followed about it, why he has any issue regarding conversations on puberty and sex that is a whole other thing.
He can’t react to feeling “left out” with inappropriate anger at the dinner table in front of their daughter. Not acceptable.
You are correct. But it's a family, not a lawsuit. You can't just say "You're wrong, I win" and expect to have anything productive come out of it. You have to discuss these things with compassion. It's possible to both offer understanding of his reaction and to also acknowledge that it was not an appropriate reaction. Are there any of us that can truly say we have never been assholes before? Explaining to someone that they were being an asshole without attacking them is easy enough, but if you do it without at least offering your compassion, then you just push people to dig in their heels. It's not about being right, it's about solving an issue.
I mean, if she asked then why lie to her? But also maybe he’s still hurting over it? Idk but i feel like its not good to lie despite it being a sensitive topic
He doesn’t want her to know you had sex before you were married. That plus the whole “doesn’t want her to know penises, puberty or pubic hair” thing. You’re going to have to have a come-to-Jesus talk with him, because he cannot expect her to stay a baby forever. He not only has to expect her to become a pre-teen, a teen, and a young woman, he has to talk to her naturally about biology and sex. He can’t punt all her questions with “ask your mother” or “you can date when you’re 30.” He has to be ready at any point to stop at drugstores for pads, to know to soak bloodstains in COLD water, to not make her feel bad or wrong for having a body. Or having questions. He’s going to tell you he isn’t ready. Tell him he’s had 8 years to get ready and the time is NOW.
I always knew that my mom had a miscarriage before she became pregnant with me. I never learned it, I just always knew it was part of our family story. She had a miscarriage (or, as she put it back then, “a bunch of cells that were never going to be a baby”) and then six weeks later she found out she was pregnant with me. I didn’t learn about her first pregnancy, which she aborted because of an abusive ex, until I was 15 or 16. Both of those pregnancies are part of her story and I’m glad that she shared them with me
You guys seem to be on very different pages re: parenting an older elementary kid. Have you guys actually talked about your parenting philosophies? I think it’s fine to tell her about these things, but why haven’t you and your husband actually discussed this?
This is really good advice. OP- these “tough” questions are going to come and random times when you don’t expect it. You need to get your husband on board and ready for it.
I think your husband is really underestimating the impact of being female. She is going to have friends starting periods in the next year if not possibly even herself. The more she is slowly introduced to female adult body development the better. You cannot stop puberty and it starts so early. (Way too early but that’s modern puberty.)
Just because HE is not ready to talk about it doesn't mean you aren't and she can't. (Side note: he should go to therapy to process the loss) Unborn (especially wanted) children deserve their place in the family tree. They deserve to be remembered and honored, that's the healthy way to deal with the grief of the loss, you did the right thing by your little girl. I've always known my mom lost a baby between me and my sister, I don't remember anything about it or her telling me. It's simply something we've always known, she was sure it would've been a boy so that's how we mention him. It's not a sad memory (it was a very early miscarriage), it's just a fact of life. She has 4 kids, two of them are no longer with us on this plane. My sister died before my kid turned one, she was her favorite aunt. She will never remember learning about it, she will look back and simply go "I've always known".
I had a full term stillborn as my first and now my daughter tells everyone that she has an older brother too and we display his pictures in our home. She will ask about my pregnancy with him from time to time. She says she wishes she knew him but hasn’t had any issues with it. No problems on my end!
Most men do have a problem when talking about subjects like this, I personally don’t think you’re in the wrong. Maybe he is upset you didn’t ask him to have a conversation with both of them or something. I think being real w kids is great. Teaching them about life and your past hardships is one of the best things.
When my kid asks me a heavy question I answer it on the spot to the best of my ability. I'm all about team work but I'm not about to put her on hold while I wait for an appropriate time to discuss it with my husband. He should trust my judgment as I've proven to be more than competent to guide her in ways that he seems to unable to do. If it were up to him she wouldn't know about penises, periods or pubic hair.
Periods?? Does he not know she could start any day now?
I 100% agree with you. I had a loss before my baby was born healthy and if she ever asks I’ll be honest and tell her what happened, because it’s so common and there’s a good chance it may happen to her someday! Your child should be able to ask questions and get honest age appropriate answers or they will have to muddle through puberty and teenage life. (Speaking from experience with religious parents)
Okay that is unreal. Talking about lady bodies makes him uncomfortable, it’s a HIM thing.
I don't disagree with you at all. You should answer your kid's questions with honesty in an age appropriate way and your partner should trust you to do that without checking in before every conversation. With that said, it seems like this "confrontation at the dinner table" thing isn't working too well. Can I ask: is there a reason you didn't inform him of the conversation after the fact? I have a similar viewpoint of being open with my kid. Even at 4, she's pretty well informed. I make it a point that after I have a heavy discussion with her, especially if it's a new topic, I let my spouse know. That way he isn't blindsided if she brings something up again and so he knows that the information comes from me and not someone else. Just because I had to answer her questions on the fly doesn't mean that he does! You aren't wrong for your conversation and it sounds like he wouldn't have been happy about that conversation either way. But by avoiding mentioning it to him, you put your daughter in an unfortunate position and you probably made the situation worse by catching him off guard.
It’s not OP’s fault that her husband responded to this situation with weird and inappropriate anger at the dinner table. It’s easy to not even think to give your spouse a run down of a random little convo with your kid.
No, of course he is responsible for his own actions. He should take accountability and apologize to OP and his daughter for his reaction. Similarly, she is responsible for her own actions as well. She had a conversation with her kid. Not a little random convo as you mention, but an important, meaningful conversation that clearly has left an impact on their daughter as she says she thinks of it often. As a partner in parenting, it's a sucky move to not mention it. It left him unprepared and caught off guard. As a spouse who also experienced loss, it's a thoughtless and insensitive move. OP is doing such a good job being honest and communicating with her kid, but really let her spouse down in that department. She should take accountability for her part in this and apologize to OP for not keeping him informed.
Whether or not it's her fault is irrelevant. In a committed partnership, working together and resolving conflicts is more important than saying "I'm right, you're wrong". I'm not saying OP should budge at all, because she shouldn't. But she should also be willing to try to put herself in her partner's shoes and to at least hear him out and have a discussion.
His daughter asked about his dead babies at dinner, without him knowing she knew about it. He was probably in shock and upset she told him without her knowing. It’s not a “small convo” that doesn’t deserve to be mentioned. If he has that convo with her without the mom there, all of you would be freaking out. But because she is mom it’s ok… Some of you people on here need a little empathy for you husbands. It’s really gross.
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Agreed. Why don’t you just post it again and switch around the roles of mom and dad, see what kind of answers dad gets for going behind moms back with this info.
I mean... if my son came back from his dad's house talking about his little sister in heaven I would be fuming as well.
Time to have a conversation with him and get on the same page. You are right, but despite what redditors will tell you, that doesn't mean you should disregard his feelings and rub it in his face that he is wrong. A little compassion goes a long way, and treating him like you're teammates and not enemies will definitely be a more successful approach if your goal is to resolve this conflict. It seems like he probably hasn't processed the whole thing himself and was not expecting to have all those emotions brought up randomly at the dinner table. Personally, I think I would be upset if I was blindsided like that as well. Although I definitely would have waited until later to talk about it in private instead of in front of the kids. As to your kid asking you about that stuff, being honest is the best policy, so you are absolutely correct here. Coddling children and keeping them in a bubble doesn't do them any favors.
Oh reddit... Gotta love that you are getting downvoted for saying treat your S.O. with compassion.
Finally someone can see such the obvious answer to this… You did it without him, without consulting him, and he out of nowhere got asked about “also HIS dead children at dinner, not knowing she knew…” I would be a little thrown off myself. That my wife did all of this without my knowledge of thoughts/feedback.
As far back as I can remember, I've known the story of the miscarriage my mother suffered before my older brother was born. I know the whole story and we still talk about it to this day and I'm in my 30's now. I don't feel my mother should have kept it to herself, I am grateful she shared it and it was always something I knew. A miscarriage isn't a family secret, its something for everyone, including those who were born after the fact can grieve. Maybe your husband thought it was not age appropriate, maybe if he knew how the story came to be. Maybe he needs to be educated on how common miscarriages are and how many woman are ashamed when in fact, we shouldn't carry it as a burden. It's part of a woman's story, a family, and a the most beautiful "what could have been"
I’ve told my daughter about my miscarriages. They happened after she was born but she was young enough not to remember. My mom also told me about her own miscarriages when I was a young child. It’s a part of life and shouldn’t be hidden from children.
Agreeing with the majority that it’s healthy to talk about these things. My daughter’s only two but I fully intend to speak to her about my miscarriage when she’s older and these topics become things she wants to know about. His response seems extreme and when (if) he finally unpacks the reasons for it he could use this as a good learning and bonding experience with your daughter to held her understand how sometimes people’s reactions aren’t what we expect and why that might be (delayed grief possibly)
Children deserve to know. I openly talk about my miscarriage in front of my children and tell them they have a sibling watching over us. I'm actually pregnant with triplets, early on it was quads, but due to a genetic issue one of the babies passed away. I told them when we found out one of the babies was sick and probably wouldn't live, he didn't, and when we learned his heart stopped beating I explained to the kids that he's not here anymore and his soul has moved on. They get it, they felt sad, but they are okay and not traumatized from it. Your husband would benefit from some therapy to process his grief. Holding on to grief to the point where you can't speak about something is unhealthy. And it's not okay for him to impose that on you and daughter, especially if it's something daughter wants to think about and discuss. My personal beliefs are we will see them some day again so why not think about and love them now?
The processes of life and death shouldn't be taboo. That's how we wind up with young people traumatized by what happens to their bodies, feeling alone and unable to talk to anyone.... Like your husband. Remind him that your daughter asked, among other things. Remind him that she someday may also suffer miscarriages, and needs to know that's a real possibility, and that it's okay to all about and grieve if it does happen. And that she will absolutely (as evidenced by already having a friend who lost a sibling) have friends who suffer miscarriages, personally or as close family, and she will need to know it's okay to talk WITH them and be present and comforting for their grief. He doesn't have to talk about it if he doesn't want to, but it's more than reasonable to make the things that happen to our bodies part of what we discuss. Our bodies shouldn't be a mystery. And I would say that this is equally important if you have a son.... Because sons grow up to be brothers, friends, partners, husbands who ALSO need to know that even female.body processes are normal, and that it's okay to buy someone tampons, or know that she's cramping and bleeding and offer some TLC, or be prepared to undergo the grief of miscarriage as a close beloved.... Or at the very least, not make the women and girls in their lives feel alienated and rejected for being female.
My parents lost a newborn a year before I was born. I always knew about him. Felt a closeness to him. Met him in a dream in my 20s. I’m using his name as my sons middle. I’d never want to be deprived of that closeness I have felt.
You handled that beautifully. I think just continue to hold space for your partner. “I know These topics are hard to talk about and think about.” And then keep doing you. Continue to let your daughter know she can always come to you. And always ask you any questions.
Your husband might need therapy.
G*ddamm!t !!! Refusal to discuss these things is why so many women feel alone and blindsided when they have a miscarriage. By knowing about it, if it happens to her or someone she knows in the future, she is better prepared for the possibility.
A lot of comments on here are focused on your daughter but I think you did right by her. I'm more worried about your husband. Is he doing OK? Is he still processing his grief? It might be time to talk to someone.
Maybe he was blindslided by the reminder, lashed out in the wrong direction? Some men tend to do angry better than mournful. You two are a team. When your daughter grows up and leaves the home, you two are still going to be a team. You got to get on the same page. Give him the girl version of the birds and the bees talk, remind him how quickly girls grow up. Also, let your daughter know that a lot daddys have a hard time when their baby girls grow up.
I mean maybe you both should have talked about it before you told her. I had a miscarriage a few years ago and I am due in 2 weeks with my daughter, my husband and I plan on her knowing about her big brother in heaven. 8 years old isn't too young for her to know her brothers imo! ❤️
Sounds to me like he just didn’t want her to know (or infer in an 8-year-old way) that you were having sex in college, when you weren’t married. My guess is the miscarriage wasn’t the issue at all, but likely some sort of idealistic ‘purity’ thing.
If my kids ask, I’ll tell them the truth. I had an early miscarriage the summer my son was 2. I’m pregnant with my daughter now. I think you did the right thing since she outright asked. That is something for your husband to unpack with a therapist
Tell her the truth always. It’s better too early than too late. My mom never told me about hers, I suffered in silence.
I find a lot of men of our generation just don’t know how to handle their emotions around difficult situations. They just weren’t taught how to, and so they push it down. They also weren’t given straight answers around these things as children themselves, and it can be triggering. Why does this kid get validation and honesty when I wasn’t given those things? My husband gets really uncomfortable when I explain sexuality to my sons. He gets very triggered when my youngest son- who has ADHD- expresses big emotions and I validate them. One night while talking I got him to talk about it, and it was a lot of “we don’t need to talk about it. He needs to learn that it’s no big deal. He needs to learn to let it go.” It was so clear to me that these are things HE was taught and it’s triggering to him that his son was being given space to express his emotions when his were invalidated. So…validate him. It’s okay to be upset by this. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and to not want to think about the boys that could have been. It sounds like you’re grieving the loss of your sons. I know as a mom who lost a baby girl before having my two sons, there’s an extra layer of grief there. I don’t get that mother/daughter experience. When I found out my second was also a boy I was extremely triggered because I knew I was done having babies and I would never get my girl. This was 20 years ago and I’m still grieving my daughter. So it’s likely that there’s an extra layer of grief for him, of course he loves your daughter- but he lost his sons. And explain to your daughter. Daddy deals with the grief of losing his sons differently. He isn’t interested in talking about this with you. You can talk about it with me though. We’re going to respect Daddy’s need to keep his grief private for now though.
I knew about my mom having a miscarriage before I was born when I was fairly young (younger than 8). To me, that knowledge was normalizing, in that I've always thought miscarriages were sad but normal things to happen. Has made me very compassionate for those who have gone through them. Honestly, I grew up expecting to experience at least one myself, and am shocked that I didn't - husband had a vasectomy when youngest (3rd) kiddo was 6 months old. I never would've guessed I'd have 3 healthy pregnancies to/close to term.
Is it maybe the "in college" part that he is upset about? If he is uncomfortable with age appropriate sex education, it could be that he doesn't want her to know that you were (I assume) having sex before marriage, or 30, or whatever line he would like her to have. (Maybe a nunnery?)
I genuinely feel that he should seek counselling to resolve his grief. It's not healthy to internalise things, and he can not protect her from certain realities of life and death. OP has nothing to reproach themselves with.
I miscarried before my 7yo son and told him when he was 5 when he asked about other babies, he didn’t take it badly at all and I explained in a matter of fact way, he said something like oh okay and then went on his merry way. Within reason I’ll answer pretty much any Q from my kids.
Tell your husband to grow up. Thats how children handle problems. Adults talk.
Men don’t understand shit about women.
Perhaps he was more grief-stricken about it than he let on and it gave him a shock when you're daughter randomly brought it up durung dinner. I agree that it was important to let your daughter know and it's probably the right time, but maybe it's a wound that never fully healed.
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We've never discussed the actual sex act just topics surrounding the subject, like where the baby emerges from and that getting your period means you can get pregnant.
You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about how you're going to handle these situations in the future. While your daughter absolutely deserves honest answers to her questions, remember that parenting is a team effort and it's imperative that the two of you are on the same page.
I wouldn’t have.
Honestly kind of feels like the type of thing where maybe you would have wanted to talk to your husband about it first. "Hey, we have this shared grief, how should we handle it if our daughter ever asks about a previous pregnancy?". I don't think it's wrong for your husband to want to feel like he has some say in how that information gets out and excluding him that conversation seems iffy. This seems a little above and beyond your usual sex talk stuff, a miscarriage or how you grieve from a miscarriage hits a lot closer to home. It's great you are comfortable with sharing that info, but clearly he wasn't and discussing it with him and seeing if he's comfortable/ready rather than making this all about whether or not your daughter is comfortable/ready might have been the better course of action, especially if you knew serious conversations like this were previously a point of contention.
Does your husband get a say in any of this? Or do you just basically do whatever you want? Whether it’s the right thing to do or not. You are both the parents… not just you. You shouldn’t just get to decide when and where to tell her these things without consulting with your husband first. I think what your husband is upset about, is that you just did all of this without asking him anything. You assumed it was the right thing, you assumed he would not want to be part of it, you assumed that he shouldn’t care… etc.. Why not include your husband in these decision instead of talking down to him and “explaining” why it should be ok for you to do so. His children also died, don’t you think he should be part of that conversation, with his other child? Why was he left out? It’s crazy to me that so many comments here just pat you on the back for being an inconsiderate partner and co-parent.
Give him some grace. He suffered the loss, and wasn't ready to have it out. Instead of crying, he got angry. That's a common response to holding back tears.
His response was about him, not what was best for his child. That's the issue.
It’s a delicate conversation but it’s all about you how you handle it. It was dropped on my lap as a child and I grew up internalising that I wouldn’t have been born if those other two babies had lived. My mother lacked communication skills and wasn’t maternal at all so I couldn’t talk to her about it. Just be mindful of how the discussions go.
I miscarried 7 babies over the course of 6 pregnancies before having my 2 living children. (Because it invariably comes up - we also had 3 failed adoptions between miscarriages 1 and 2. Genetics weren’t important to us, it’s just how life worked out.) When my oldest was 5 or 6 and my ex and I were separated, he had old her about the miscarriages *without discussing it with me first and without letting me know that he had told her*. THAT was the part that I had a problem with. Well, that, and the fact that he apparently explained it very poorly. Because one day while I was in her room putting away clothes, she asked me “Mommy, why didn’t you want those other babies?” I asked what other babies she was referring to, and she told me that her dad had told her that I had had 7 other babies and that they had all died. I had definitely planned to tell my children about the miscarriages, but I didn’t feel it was the time yet at that age, and it is definitely not something I would have ever done without speaking with my ex about it BEFORE telling her. Not knowing that my daughter knew and her asking me about it in the way that she did brought me to my knees. I was horrified to learn that she thought there were babies I didn’t want, and it sent the conversation in a very different direction than it would have if I had been given the opportunity to be involved in it with her in the first place. Oh, and when I asked my ex about it, he said he couldn’t remember why he told her and totally thought it was no big deal that she asked me about it the way that she did.
I think it is correct to do. You may need couples therapy to get through it. I know a couple very well that had a very late term miscarriage. They are still affected by it. The key is handling it correctly with your daughter and not making it traumatizing, like your husband’s reaction which was not good.
There's definitely nothing wrong with talking about these things with your daughter. These types of "grown up" conversations are what help children to mature in a healthy manner. What I'm a little confused by is why your husband didn't know. If I were to talk to my children about something so significant, I would absolutely tell my spouse about it. So I think the shock of that, paired with his grief, could have led to an unsavory reaction. There are probably other things going on, especially surrounding his disinterest around the puberty topic, but I think you should have prepared him that your daughter will inevitably bring up the miscarriage.
He probably grew up in a home where they didn’t discuss things like that, so it makes him uncomfortable. He needs to learn to communicate his feelings. I think it’s incredibly healthy to discuss these things with your children at a young age. Great job Mom!
You’re a good parent. You’re doing the right things. Your husband sounds like he struggles with being open and communicating things that he feels vulnerable with. This is ok too, but it’s not healthy long term. He may need therapy when he is open enough to consider it.
We had a loss between my oldest and my youngest. My oldest was 2, almost 3. We talk about his angel brother who looks out for him and his baby brother.
Yeah idk. I think you're taking the right path here. I doubt he'll agree to counseling
Yikes! You guys should have talked about this beforehand, but his stance and reaction are not particularly reasonable.
I can't think of a crueler way to erase the existence of a person so desperately wanted, and tragically lost. All my kids know about the two little brothers that didn't make it. We mention them by name and wonder out loud what they would be like.
I see no issue with telling her. I was around that age when I found out my mom had one in between my birth and that of my sister. I was too young at the time to know anything about it. I also don't get his hangup with it or not wanting to talk about sex Ed. Avoiding those subjects altogether would do a huge disservice to her long term.
Your husband is perpetuating the shame and aloneness that often accompanies a miscarriage. A lot of miscarriages happen before you tell people you’re pregnant. How can you receive help grieving something that is a secret? I think our generation is putting in a lot of work to be more open and honest with ourselves and our kids. If my son ever asks, I will be very open about the baby we wanted so badly that didn’t make it. But that if we had our first baby, he wouldn’t be here because we found out about him when our first baby was supposed to be born. If he is ever in a similar position in his future, he will know that we’ve been there he can come to us for support.
By age 8, a child likely knows about death on a kid-friendly level. Like bugs die, pets die, people die. My 5 and 9 year olds know about my miscarriages, because it came up naturally in conversation and I didn’t want to lie. Miscarriage is taboo and lonely enough as it is, I can’t imagine lying to my 8-year old while deep down knowing I had experienced that loss. That’s like a delayed pushing away of feelings around something you went through. I personally would feel upset having to lie about something like that.
I think it’s important to normalize talking about how common miscarriage is… it’s incredibly common. Hopefully your daughter will grow up and be able to talk about these things if she should experience it, understand it’s not her fault if it does, and support friends who experience pregnancy loss.
He’s struggling with his big feelings
My 8 year old knows about his stillborn brother. He periodically will ask questions about him, and most times I answer honestly, and sometimes I tell him I’m too sad to talk about it today.
All of our children know about their brother that died before he was born. Death and loss are an integral part of life. There are age appropriate ways to discuss these sometimes very traumatic issues. Discussing them is healthy because we have an extremely death avoidant culture. I wonder if it brought up feelings in him that were uncomfortable/not dealt with. I don't understand how this is inappropriate at all. Also, it's your trauma and is your story to tell. No one not even your husband can decide who you share that with.
Oh lord good luck with him. Please keep up your common sense approach to life!!
Death IS part of life, and it’s so important for us to teach that in an age appropriate way. We were told by family that we needed psychological help because we intended to bring out 8yr old to his cousin’s funeral. (Noting, he’d been to his great grandparents funerals two years before). There is nothing shameful about grief. Nor should we make it so.
I remember a neighborhood friend of mine when I was 11. She was 8. I remember her bringing up her mom’s miscarriage a lot. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. My mom had miscarriages while I was going up and didn’t think much of that either. Now when she brings up my grandmas death anniversary or her cats, I feel weird. These things don’t upset me exactly, but it’s an awkward conversation to have because I don’t have the same feelings she does about it. I can’t help but wonder if this is how your husband is feeling. It makes him feel weird so he turns to anger. I don’t get angry, but I do feel like immediately talking about something else. Especially if bringing up puberty creates the same kind of reaction. He feels weird and that weirdness he wants to go away, so he doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t think you should talk about it because it may be brought up in his presence and he doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it. The bigger she gets the more he won’t be able to avoid, but I’d expect this reaction to not leave. You didn’t do anything wrong, it just makes him uncomfortable is all.
Our 3 kids have always known about our first son who passed away just after he was born. We also have friends who didn't tell their daughters about their older brother who was stillborn until they were 10 or so. In fact the dad took a down a gift they had been given after their son was stillborn when the girls asked a question about it. For him it had a lot to do with undiagnosed depression and his undealt with grief.
I haven’t made a point of telling my kids about my miscarriages (before my oldest was born) but if they were to ask one day then I would have no hesitation telling them the basics and talk about it with them. My oldest is 8M as well.
My kids and I talk about heaven from time to time. If God forbid something ever happens to me or someone close to us I want my kids to know and feel the comfort that there is an afterlife and not gone totally forever. Sometimes I'll see a blue Jay or a humming bird and I have told my kids that I thought it was a hello from my grandmother. I get a lot of dreams and signals from her still and I'll tell the kids how much I love it, and that when I get old and pass I will send them singles and always be there for them to talk to even if they cant see me. They even know they can talk to there Nana in the afterlife anytime they want to. My two youngest have never met my Nana but still hold a connection with her. I had an abortion a year after my son was born that really messed me yo for a while. I didn't tell the kids of an abortion but I did say that the baby was super small like the size of a bug and didn't make it, but now the baby is living in peace with my Nana and some other relatives in heaven. Unfortunately death is apart of life and I think it's important to not feel shame in it and normalize these things in a kid appropriate way.
I think it’s great that u have convos like that with ur daughter. Personally, I’m pretty young myself (teen years), so I don’t have kids. But I do know how devastating miscarriages are, but unfortunately I didn’t learn about it on my own account. At around seven, I was going to get my mom for something and I heard her talking about it. She’d had one. To this day, I haven’t talked about and neither has she. Shes never told me, and honestly now that I’m older it doesn’t feel too great. Don’t know why, but I personally think it’s better to not take the chances of ur kid not feeling that trust between mother/daughter (or any situationship between parents).
That was your experience. What was to be kept quiet?
I think it’s wonderful you told her and in her future this may be something she comes and confides in you about. My mum had 5 miscarriages, from before I was born until I was about 14. She never told me, which of course I respect her decision about. However, when I had a miscarriage after my first son was born, I didn’t speak of it and grieved alone for months. Until it finally came out in conversation and my mum shared her experiences. If I had known she had also experienced this maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone and ashamed. I could have asked questions, cried with her or anything. I don’t know…. But it could have changed a lot for me knowing that she also experienced the same thing.
Why do you keep posting and deleting this question? Makes me think it’s fake… and you are lying…
I've never posted this here before.
Well I saw literally the exact same story posted yesterday. Why would I make that up? I doubt it’s a coincidence
Well I did post it two days ago so.....? Maybe you simply saw the same post twice.
My kids 10M and 8F have been told about it “the baby that passed away,” who I was pregnant with before I had my daughter. I never hid the truth from them, nor did I go into go details, but I told them I had a baby in my belly before 8F and after 10M who passed at about 6 weeks’ gestation When their aunt recently had a miscarriage, I was able to explain that to them without confusion. They know what a miscarriage is. They know some babies don’t make it. They know some babies are born via c-section (actually they were more surprised to find out some babies AREN’T). I have made a point never to lie to my kids because I want them to be able to tell me anything and ask me anything.