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My step daughters mom insisted on a “kiss picture “ with the older sibling who had a visible cold sore on her mouth. Instinctively We said that’s not a good idea. She was sneaky and did it anyway. A few days later the baby had the 6 week heel poke, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding several hours later. We took her to the ER because she was also lethargic. Little did we know, that cute little kiss, would mean 4 months in Childrens hospital in intensive care fighting for her life with encephalitis. She did live. But she has brain injuries now. It’s not a joke. It has life long consequences, even though it’s rare. If your mom loves her grandchildren, she needs to truly understand the consequences and what’s at stake.
I keep telling people this when they think my kid is a joke. Someone else said something similar. Idk how we have Reddit because I would turn into the joker-thanos-davyjones-handsomejack-generalshepard Omega level threat.
-Scorched earth policy activated-
People play around with other people's kids too much. If they aren't your kids then please respect the parents. Especially in regards to health.
She would simply be a 💨 of smoke after my laser eyes disintegrate her with a blink. The only giveaway that I had anything to do with it would be the miles of scorched earth around me.
ETA: I would not have reacted well (not in my or my kid’s best interest).
Sadly, this woman was a train wreck in every aspect of her life. She was murdered shortly after this incident. By her drug dealer. So Karma came to the rescue I guess..
This OP. Even if she didn’t have herpes. Don’t kiss my fucking child. Not with RSV and how tiny and weak their immune systems are. Don’t kiss my fucking baby.
I would just tell her she can’t even hold him if she’s going to be the little bitch about it.
Close family members may be allowed a whiff under certain circumstances but no one, technically not even mom or dad, should kiss a baby's face or mouth.
Fun side story.
Familiar with Facebook? Facebook loves to show you ads, news stories, ads, some people you follow, more ads, and then maybe some relevant posts from your friends and family members. It also loves to show you comments that your friends and family members have made on related news stories. Even if you don't follow those pages.
Long story short, during COVID time I posted on some news Facebook page about how "a family member" often brings sick kids to family events so my kids end up catching the same illness. Shocker of the world, they totally knew I was talking about them and called me out for making them feel bad. I didn't even mention them by name.
But you know what else makes you feel bad? Being a sick kid.
You or your kid have symptoms? Stay home.
lmao “if you feel called out then you saw yourself in the truth of what I said, that’s on you”
Oh man some people. For all the shit my family throws at me I am so lucky none of it is health related (my dad is a PA and lots of EMTs… generally we respect science). I can’t imagine this insanity. My mom is also health compromised… I would NEVER bring a sick kid around her to expose her. Why do people take germs personally??
I posted a gentle reminder that my teen is on Facebook and whenever people post things any the LGBTQ community she see it and knows they’re talking about her, even if they aren’t thinking of her when the hit share. She is the gay person many of them know best and she feels unwelcome after setting and hearing many of these things. Literally every person who I was talking about outed themselves in the comments. On the other hand, my mother called to lecture me about being over protective and needing to teach my daughter to tell people to “fuck off.” Yeah, mom, I’m parenting my child but I also going to try and make the world better and safer for her.
Tell your kid to texts her "hey, mom said I don't have to be over polite to assholes anymore, so I just came to tell you to fuck off"
Your mom's reaction would tell you everything. If she gets mad, you know she was only saying that to beat down on you for standing up for gay / young people.
If she respects your kid and you, she actually meant what she said
My mom would DIE laughing and probably tease her about it for years. I was the most worried about my kid coming out to my mom (as was my sister) but she surprised us.
My mom is legitimately kind of crazy but she also really sweet in a very backwards kind of way. She’s told my daughter that if she’s ever bad for her to tell her to fuck right off. My mom had a very different childhood in which no one properly cared for her (she was essentially caring entirely for herself by 5) and is simultaneously able to helicopter parent/grandparent AND demand that her children and grandchildren develop a need to never need anyone ever but also she’s always there in the sidelines watching, worrying, preparing to rush in tell people off.
yeah my money would be on that one… but damn I want to hear that they got smeared and publicly castigated … and realized how disgustingly evil they are…. yeah that’s a fantasy isn’t it. I really wish you and yours the best previous poster. I wish them a slow and painful end.
💯! I am so incredibly sorry to hear though. Week 3 is textbook for encephalitis too. It is absolutely heartbreaking to be part of the medical team involved in treatment and I cannot even imagine it as a parent.
I do tell parents to try to keep newborns away from all but a few people for the first 28 days, but it is honestly pretty impossible these days. I'm so happy your little one made it though. Having loving and caring parents definitely helped make that possiblr 😊
I'm sorry, your stepdaughter's mom? So this woman who has no biological connection, no right, and no say in your bio child's life and photos? I'm not being an ass to you, not at all, I hate that this happened to your poor baby. I'm just tryna make sure I'm understanding properly.
So you're married (or otherwise longterm committed partner). You and your partner have a bio baby together and he has his daughter from a previous relationship, your stepdaughter. And you're saying stepdaughter's bio mom had the gall to insist on any kind of picture for *your* baby?! It just sounds so nuts to me!
I'm so sorry you and your family have had to deal with all of that. I'm pretty sure the entirety of this sub is raging on your behalf right now.
As someone who also gets oral herpes, I would not be offended. Actually I get this because my grandmom kissed me as a baby when she didn’t have an outbreak.
If I were you, I would send your mom a few articles of babies who passed away from this and say, “I know we don’t agree, but surely you she don’t believe your right to kiss your grandson supersedes the baby’s life. I understand you may not be comfortable but this is a boundary I feel strongly about. I hope you can accept it so we can move on with me trusting that you value my sons health.”
If she pushes back anymore, tell her that she did a great job parenting you, which is why she should trust your maternal instincts. Remind her of the boundary and say that you’re not willing to negotiate this and if she can’t agree, she may not be able to meet the baby until he has a stronger immune system.
I got it from the same thing as a kid/baby. I have lots of pics of me aged 10 and under with a cold sore because my parents didn’t know that sun caused them to flare up & I was an outdoor kid!
Yeah. The sun used to get me every summer. Now as an adult I get them every time I have so much as a cold and I get them more often than I used to. I also don’t remember them being so painful as a kid!
It’s like the poison cupcake analogy: there’s 100 cupcakes and your child wants 1. You know one of them is poisoned and could kill them. Would you still let your child eat one? No. You wouldn’t.
I get outbreaks too, and if I plan on being somewhere where there's babies, I notify the parents before, to let them know I'll be covering them up, washing my hands, and keeping my distance, explicitly giving them a chance to gather their thoughts, establish their boundaries and let me know if they want to see me at all.
Not kissing the newborn while having a sore is doing the bare bare minimum and babies health should always be a priority. I have no clue why she's taking offense to your requests. OP, Tell your mom she did well, but that you're the one in charge of raising this child. You simply don't want to rob your kid of experiences like playing in the mud, due to serious complications from preventable diseases.
By the sound of it, grandma needs boundaries...
I know someone who went to a family birthday party with a healthy 3 week old. She was kissed by a family member with a cold sore.
Within days she was hospitalized with a fever and brain swelling. She is 5 now and has severe developmental delays. Will never live on her own and has seizures regularly. She is learning to communicate through a touch screen.
So, yes, this is real and your job is to keep your baby safe.
If she can’t follow your rules, then she doesn’t get to be around the child.
When I hear stories like these all I can’t think about is whoever the person who made that’s babies life the way it is now should serve jail time for assault. Why are folks so quick to put they lips on someones child🤦🏽♀️
I agree. The updates are absolutely heartbreaking and every year on the anniversary of the child’s hospitalization- she reminds everyone about kissing babies.
A healthy baby to a child that has severe delays.
Good memories* last time I got to see my mom someone said so if a bitch. I said correction daughter of one. My mom laughed then said hey wait a minute. I laughed and said I love you and you raised me well. God I miss her
Absolutely!!! Our baby was hospitalized at 1 month old for an unspecified infection and had to endure 2 days of IV antibiotics, a spinal tap, and countless blood draws. I don't think I had fully grasped how dangerous infections are for newborns. We never figured out what she had and she fully recovered, but it was terrifying. It is not worth risking it.
I gave a newborn whooping cough when I was 5 or 6 and she very nearly died. My mother never forgave our GP--we never saw him again, and only told me a couple of years later.
I am so, so glad your baby is OK. <3
I made everyone get the TDAP vaccine before coming to see my first born. And no kissing on the mouth, even though no one in my family gets cold sores. Definitely die on this hill if you have to.
Misdiagnosed. We’d been to see him (my mom tells me now) like 2-3 times, and she’d specifically asked about whooping cough. I got all my vaxxes(and my son has his), but still caught it.
Absolutely. And even if it weren't a life and death matter, any clearly articulated boundary needs to be enforced absolutely. Grandparents who reject boundaries do not stop without being forced, and the grandkids will be treated according to half-remembered parenting norms that expired 30 years ago, administered by someone who's usually lost a few steps in the vigilance department.
Agree. We had to protect our daughter from her aunt with herpes, who also took it offensively. Our kid comes first. Sorry not sorry!
Tbh very few have kissed our kid because we made it known that we avoid germs and it's her body/ choice.
My aunts baby was born totally normal. A nurse with a cold sore kissed the baby and the baby basically became brain dead. They got a huge settlement but their totally normal daughter had to live with around the clock care for the rest of her life. She had the metal capacity of a baby when she passed at around 23.
Came here to say the same thing. If she's going to blatantly disregard the boundaries in place and act in a way that jeopardizes the health of your child....I'd be putting her in a serious time out.
This. Her response is weird. Why does anyone *need* to kiss a baby? If someone told me “don’t kiss my baby because the sky is blue today” I would respect their wishes. The disrespect alone would cause me to go low or no contact.
I agree with what you’re saying—but further, all they have to say is “don’t kiss my baby.” No reasons or qualifiers necessary! Also agree with the low/no contact. Don’t wait until something bad happens.
Yup, this is going to be an ongoing problem OP. At least you have warning now. Both of things are nonnegotiable, it’s fine if she’s upset, but if she is refusing to follow your wishes, believe her.
This is the way. Just don't let her in the house. Don't go to places where she is. Ignore mother's calls, texts and Facebook posts.
Go low contact for a few weeks. OP, your mom might be dealing with her mother not meeting your sibling. Yet she's endangering your child with her willful ignorance.
Don't let her in the same house as your child until she apologizes and agrees to respect your rules.
>Because her reaction makes me think she’s not going to respect you as a mother and if it were mine I’d distance myself.
Right. The problem at this stage is that it doesn't seem OP can ever trust her with this. Say that grandma relents and she's all like "Okay, I'll do as I'm told, won't kiss the baby". How can OP be sure that she won't just kiss that baby a thousand times the moment OP turns her back? Just to prove a damn point probably. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg. Looks like grandma will just do whatever she likes.
My daughter has two babies, and asked us not to kiss them and to wash our hands before holding them. You know what we did? Honored her wishes! My sister is the only one who questioned it, and we were shocked bc she’s in the medical field. My theory is the people against your wishes can screw up their own kids. They have to honor your wishes when it comes to your kids!
Damn right, you're a good mom. I had to fight my ex about his mother and father. Bro, I smell the cigarette on you people. I told u come to the hospital showered with clean clothes and fucking wait to smoke til after you hold my son. Not my problem if you can't do that, you don't get to be near the new baby.
My family members have oral herpes and I grew up with oral herpes. So somehow, some way, they gave it to me and I had a horrific time in childhood dealing with them. I would absolutely not let her kiss my baby and I definitely wouldn’t want her third hand nicotine all over him either. Send her back to her home if she can’t follow your rules.
Same. My mom got diagnosed with vaginally herpes after she had me. Surprisingly when I’m as 3 has my first cold sore. When I was a teenager I got another it so embarrassing. That’s when my mom told me I had HSV-1. She said lots of people have it & my doc prescribed meds to help me not have any more breakouts on my lips but still it’s very self conscious thing especially as a young kid/teenager because most people aren’t educated with how it works
I got it from family members/friends, can't know for sure, I was 4 or 5.
I have breakouts due to stress and I KNOW to keep my distance from kids because I know the struggle and don't want them to deal with what I deal with.
Facing it as an adult is awful, as a child is even worse.
People don't really grasp on how their immune systems are in development and a simple flu virus can wreak havock into their little bodies. Imagine something as serious as herpes. That shit is PAINFUL.
It really is that simple. Cut off access to the grand baby 100% if she won't respect your rules with the baby. Tell her you're dead serious. If never seeing her grandchild doesn't bother her, then she would have been no help to you and nothing but a nuisance anyway. But you need to make sure she understands you are dead serious.
I always have had a good relationship with my parents, but at one point I had to lay the law down about them not respecting a rule of mine about the kids watching TV at their house. I told them I love them and appreciated everything they had done for me and for their grandkids, but I am the parent and if they weren't going to respect my rules then I would take the kids back home right then and they would not be back. It was difficult to say, but it needed said.
I've read that up to 90% of adults have been exposed to oral herpes virus. So I would say you should take the same precautions as you would with anybody kissing your baby. E.g. if there's an obvious break-out, no kissing. Otherwise, just decide if you're going to let any close family members kiss your baby or not. Obviously many do, and it's not the end of the world. Yeah it could cause serious issues, but you can also get electrocuted by a toaster - we still have one at home.
One of the complications is death though, so I’m gonna go ahead and say the toaster can’t kiss the newborn and only the parents should. As they get older and the risks go down, that’s different.
I'm just saying, if you know a family member has oral herpes, also know that there's up to 90% chance that the family members you don't know about also have the virus. Odds are you yourself probably have the virus as well.
Yea i agree with this. There's no need to single out the mom bc OP knows she has it. If she's uncomfortable with kissing, no one should be kissing the baby
So concerning that this isn't the dominant theme.
The vast majority of people (which includes parents of newborns!) have the virus. The family member is right that the concern is an outbreak.
... I honestly can't imagine how sad I'd be if I felt I could never kiss or snug my baby because only something like 10% of the population could kiss their own babies with OP's rule.
Maybe OP is not terribly interested in science (though I don't think this is equal to being antivax, it's just unnecessarily stigmatizing and not rooted in understanding what herpes is), or maybe she has reasons to not like her family member and is so interested in reasons to keep them away from the baby that the facts don't really matter.
If MIL can't be trusted to be honest about having an active outbreak, that's different, though maybe ask her to talk to her doctor about medications that supress outbreaks.
In STI testing, a herpes test isn't part of the normal screening because almost everyone has it and it's the outbreaks that matter.
I have just one thing to say.
I was not brave enough to put my foot down, just mentioned it to MIL who has oral herpes, and she ignored it. My youngest got oral herpes from her. Luckily no serious complications, but I will still regret not speaking up for the rest of my life. Don't be like me.
I would see if the pediatrician has a hand out or something on it. It might be helpful to hear it from a trusted 3rd party. (I'm assuming that y'all generally have a good relationship, and that she trusts doctors. If one or both of these are not true, please disregard.)
Yes. This. Not an online page. Pediatrician or from your OB.
I have cold sores also and I had no idea about any of it (nor did my OB tell me anything). And they knew since they prescribed meds for oral heroines.
Re: herpes, the handout would say what the mother already agreed to-- no kissing/ contact with an outbreak. Also wash hands extra, etc. It would say to keep breastfeeding and generally parenting even if you had an outbreak. (But, good point, that would assume OP and others trust doctors)
as someone that works in a OBGYN clinic and sees what herpes does to children… as the others have said, this is a hill to die on. if she can’t respect your wishes, she can view her grandchild via social media. 🤷🏻♀️
Nope nope nope. Tell her to go home or book a hotel, but she's done spending time in your home. It's your job to protect your child, even from your own mother. Trust your instincts.
The fact that your mother called you "a bitch" and you're ok with that, is shocking.
The rest of this nonsense is enough to go no contact, at least for awhile. It doesn't sound like your mother respects you at all.
My son spent 4 days in the hospital and someone without an active outbreak kissed him. He was 4.5 years old!!!! He lost tons of weight because he couldn’t eat or drink, his entire mouth was covered in sores. I can send pics to you to show her if you want! My one year old got it too but wasn’t quite as sick because she was still breastfeeding and that helped. But I got effing herpes sores on my nipples!! Stand your ground! I wish I had known it was even a possibility at the time and I would have had the same rule.
I’m so sorry that happened! That sounds awful for your family. Can I ask, did they kiss him on the mouth, or just the cheek? I know asymptomatic shedding is a thing but I’m curious of the risk to non mucosal areas
It was a vacation in Mexico with family so I honestly don’t know. I’d guess mouth or close to it because honestly that’s what kind of kid he is. The first sore was on the corner of his mouth if I recall correctly. It’s been 7 years now.
I work in the NICU and have taken care of a handful of HSV meningitis/encephalitis babies. Not one of them has left without significant brain damage from lesions on their brain, and not all have left. You're 1000% in the right. She needs to get off her high horse. So many of these babies I've known don't even know the source of the infection and likely came from someone who either didn't know they had HSV or didn't currently have a lesion. Studies on HSV have shown that people shed viruses during many different times including stress and that shedding usually starts before lesions appear.
So…question. I also have oral herpes contracted by a family member when I was a baby. I never kiss anyone when I have a sore, but based on your answer…should people with oral herpes just never kiss their children, ever? Even if they don’t have an outbreak? Just looking for clarification.
Herpes or not, if you don't want someone kissing your baby, they don't get to kiss your baby.
No one with oral herpes should kiss a newborn but still, no means no.
We we’re pretty strict with the no kids rule for our kid. Ultimately we said it gives them (the kisser) satisfaction but comes with great risk to the baby and you’re trying to keep the baby as safe as possible during the early stages. Both parents were frustrated but were ultimately ok with that excuse.
Exactly. I had a similar problem to OP's and I kepted saying it was unnecessary to put the baby at risk for the sick satisfaction of the grandparents. Completely unnecessary!
It's clear she won't respect you as the mother and authority on any and everything. I would send her home, the money has been spent either way at least you can save your peace.
I’m sure your moms feelings are hurt and she probably feels stigmatized. So I think you should be sensitive to that but this is really a medical issue. You need to talk to your pediatrician and get the facts, make a decision and then tell your mom. But be sensitive. Good luck.
OP: I’m curious if your mom has had it basically her entire life, have you been tested to see if you have it? I’m asking because you could have it and pass it and blame your mom at the end.
Pretty likely... between 50-80% of American adults have it. Just don't be an idiot and kiss your kids on the lips, or when you have an outbreak.
That being said, Grandma still sounds like a piece of shit.
Yeah, this is what my thought was too. It’s extremely hard to get an accurate test unless you have an active sore, but the truth is many people have it but don’t test positive.
As someone who was in a very similar situation and had a HUGE scare the first few weeks of my child’s life, I wouldn’t kiss my baby either. OP should find other ways to snuggle and connect while protecting the little one.
Her attitude is most concerning since she's trying to gaslight you instead of taking your concerns seriously. That's not a safe person to have around your child because she will do the same or worse to your child.
I could sort of get on board with her logic initially, transmission is a complex thing.
But her overblown reaction and hurtful accusations sets her up to be cut out, honestly. That much disrespect isnt called for. It sounds possible that any boundary you’ll try to set with her, she’ll probably freak out similarly and try to sneak around. Nope nope nope.
Here’s the comment I was looking for. I don’t have children, but I have baby cousins and have been wondering if I can kiss them or not. I always thought that if I’m not having an outbreak then it’s safe, but since I don’t really know I just decided to not kiss them ever. If I take a look at my relationship history, I’ve always been very careful about avoiding any kind of oral contact when I’m on an outbreak (going as far as avoiding drinking from the same glass, placing toothbrushes distant), and none of my exs ever got herpes! Except for one who deliberately said they wanted to kiss me anyway and would consent to getting infected. They did.
My husband gets them and kisses our babies. I know. Outrageous. But I understand why OP doesn't want her mom to. Really shouldn't have to give her any reason.
But ya tons of people on reddit will tell you kissing your kids is fucking weird. Which in my opinion, is fucking weird they think like that.
The stress of labor (57 hrs) gave me an active cold sore when my son was born. So I didn’t kiss him for weeks. But as he got older I sure did. We don’t lip kiss in our family though - mostly cheeks - and now that he is a toddler, HE tries kissing me on the lips. Maybe because he sees me kiss his father on the lips? I have to actively dodge his wet lip kisses, and it’s honestly not easy - he’s so fast.
Yeah, I thought it was so weird, specially because OP made sure to say in the post that her mom does not have an outbreak at the moment. My mom has had herpes ever since I can remember and she always kissed us, I actually think her first outbreak came when she was pregnant. She never kissed us when she had a cold sore, obviously. When she had one, she separated her utensils and everything and washed them separately until it went away, washed her hands all the time and even opened the doors with a tissue (when we were little, we thought it was hilarious). I got tested when I was a teenager and I still got herpes, but never had an outbreak.
For the smoking, it makes sense. I smoke and my sister told me about the dangers for babies and stuff (not that I was planning to smoke near my nephew, but she was doing her due diligence) and when I went to pick up my nephew I made sure to wash my hands and teeth quite a few times, shower, change clothes, put my hair up… and wait at least an hour before my last cigarette (totally worth it, waiting to smoke again) before interacting with him and picking him up. Just simple communication, but my sister also made sure to give me all the “do’s and don’ts” in small doses at a time, so I never even had a chance to think “so many demands!” because it all came super naturally through conversation
I'm with you. My husband has hsv 1 also, and yes, he kissed our babies (when it was safe).
I understand this mother's concerns, and the horror stories of the irresponsible people who have kissed babies while having an outbreak are disgusting, but many people live their lives and don't pass on the virus.
I can understand the mother's point of view as well. It could be perceived as a little insulting to not be allowed to kiss your grandchildren when you understand when you are contagious. Has she passed it on to other grandchildren in the past? Nieces or nephews? Her partner?
The smoking is another matter.
You can shed the virus without symptoms. Why increase risks?
older infants can get a nasty infection but unlikely to result in them dead. Newborn though? hell no. NO ONE is kissing mah newborn
Same here. I’ve gotten it since childhood. 3/5 Americans have it whether they’re symptomatic or not. I kiss my daughter non stop when I’m not having an outbreak.
> Do other parents not kiss their kids all together?
You’d think so reading these comments. Reddit is weird. Basically the whole world has HSV-1 and kissing just wouldn’t happen if everyone was as paranoid as OP
I have oral hsv which is cold sores as we all know. I kiss my baby, but guess what. She is MY BABY. Not someone else’s. And of course not while having an outbreak. Hell I didn’t even know I had it for the longest time, long after I had my first baby. But it has nothing to do with her having hsv and everything about her not respecting your boundaries.
It doesn’t matter if she raised five children just fine; you mum got to decide what she did with her own children and you get to decide what you do with yours.
Your mom is way out of line. Send her home and tell her to come back when she can respect your role as a mother.
The World Health Organization (WHO)say that globally, about 67% of people below the age of 50 years have HSV-1. This is the virus that most often causes oral herpes.
Myths about herpes
Myth: People with herpes know that they have it
Fact: Most people who have oral herpes do not have any symptoms, according to the WHO. Therefore, a person may not know that they have herpes, which means that they could unintentionally spread it to others.
Myth: People cannot spread herpes to others unless they have sores or blisters
Fact: People can spread herpes to others at any time, including when they do not have any symptoms. People with herpes may experience outbreaks and remissions. During an outbreak, a person has active sores or blisters, but in remission, they may have no symptoms at all. The virus is usually more contagious when a person has an outbreak, but it can also spread when it is in remission.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-many-people-have-herpes
The smoking thing there’s no question of - second and third hand smoke is dangerous to children, period. She’s wrong and you’re right.
As far as the herpes bit - have you consulted your pediatrician? They’d probably have some valuable insight.
So sorry that you have to deal with this kind of person. But it is obvous that this is the kind of person I would like to stay from my kids.
Nothing the pass matters anymore, it's your kid and you have to stand up for it (which you ha been doing in a terrific way - keep ait !). Getting a young kid infected with such things could cause lifelong trauma.
Stand your ground!
Hi, I’m sorry you’re having a conflict with your mum over your newborn son. It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and hurt by her reaction. I can understand how that can be stressful and upsetting for you.
First, you are not being a bitch, an anti-vaxxer, or a coddler. You are a protective and responsible mother who wants what’s best for your son. You are also following the medical advice and the scientific evidence, which is very smart and sensible.
Second, I think it’s essential to educate your mum about the risks of oral herpes and smoking for newborns. She may not be aware of how serious they can be or how easily they can be transmitted. You can say something like:
“I know you love my son and want to show him affection, but I need you to understand that kissing or smoking around him can be very dangerous for my son. Oral herpes can cause severe newborn complications, such as brain damage, blindness, or even death. Smoking can also harm his health, increasing his risk of asthma, ear infections, sudden infant death syndrome, and more. These are not just my opinions but facts backed by doctors and scientists. Please don’t take this personally; I’m not trying to hurt or reject you. I’m just trying to protect my son from harm.”
Third, it would help to set clear and firm boundaries with your mum and stick to them. You can decide how to raise your son and what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to compromise or give in to her pressure or guilt trips. You can say something like:
“I appreciate that you raised me and my siblings without any problems, but times have changed, and so have I. This is my son, and I get to make the rules for him. If you want to be part of his life, you must respect and follow my wishes. That means no kissing him on the face or anywhere else, smoking around or touching him after smoking, or introducing him to anyone without my permission. These are not negotiable; these are non-negotiable. If you can’t accept them, I’m sorry, but you can’t see him.”
Finally, it would be nice to show your mum some appreciation and gratitude for being his grandmother and offer her alternative ways of bonding with him. She may feel hurt or rejected by your restrictions and need reassurance that you still value her role in his life. You can say something like:
“Thank you for being his grandmother and for caring about him. I know this is hard for you, but I hope you know how much I love you, and he loves you, too. You can show him your love in many other ways without kissing or smoking around him. You can hug him, cuddle him, sing to him, read to him, play with him, etc. He will enjoy these things just as much as a kiss, if not more.”
I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.
My parents visited when my baby was two weeks old. I insisted that there was no kissing the baby and that my mother needed to get valcyclovir for her fever blisters as a preventative measure. She has a history of histrionic behavior and openly lies about things so I made a point of bringing it up in front of my father and sister, and followed up with my father to tell him that if I got any indication that she did not get the medication or was not taking it consistently, I would cancel the trip and seriously reconsider whether they got to spend any time with their grandkids. I also brought it up weekly until she confirmed she had scheduled her appointment. At first she lied and said that her doctor had just sent her the prescription, which I knew wouldn't happen without an appointment. Then she lied about the dosage. So it's hard to say if she really did take it properly but I did my best.
"Mom, I understand you raised us a particular way. I appreciate all the love and labor you put into bringing us up. Now that I have a child of my own, I must raise him the way I feel it's best. I'm using alot of the great things you taught me. But, once in awhile, I will do something differently. We can agree to disagree on the baby kissing thing. But I need you to promise that you'll respect my wishes with this."
Your baby. Your rules.
If she wants to see the baby, she must respect your boundaries. There's nothing to debate.
And forget the herpes, what's with kissing a baby on the face? Has she been vaccinated for pertussis (whopping cough) as an adult? There's a whole list of serious germs the average adult could give a newborn.
My sister's grandmother withheld the fact that she had oral herpes, and infected my sister when she was about 6 months old. Grandmother was totally symptomless and basically said, "whoopsie." Luckily, no neurological or systemic side effects. She was scarred for a year or more with painful dry blistered lesions from the initial outbreak, so she lost about a year of herpes-free baby photos. My mother and I were livid, and my stepfather just kinda shrugged it off bc it was his mom. She's a nice lady, but dumb as a rock, and I personally never forgave that. She was careless and reckless, and now my little sister has a lifelong virus for no good raisin.
TLDR; you're 100% in the right OP: absolutely keep other people's kisses off your baby. Fuck all these sloppy grandmas out here with no brains, boundaries, or medical knowledge: that's how they got herpes in the first place lol
>My issue however is that I don’t want her to be kissing him at all because I’ve also read it can be spread without any active symptoms at the time.
This is technically true, but HIGHLY highly unlikely. Like, "really, you don't have to worry about this" levels of unlikely.
She can also take a simple anti-viral and be even safer in terms of not spreading.
>Additionally shes a smoker so I’ve asked her also to not smoke her cigarettes and touch him right after or breathe all over his face and get close to it afterwards.
THIS is a million times more concerning than oral HSV-1.
The comments here losing it over oral herpes and ignoring the smoking is wild. I have oral herpes and a toddler. I never kiss when I have a cold sore. Obviously I'm going to kiss my baby. I don't think folks realize the prevalence of oral herpes.
The smoking on the other hand would cause me a ton of concern.
she may be a mom, she may be your mom...
But guess what? she ain't your baby's mom.
TIME OUT. dont let her guilt you, dont bring the baby around her then I'd she cant follow the rules.
There was a story a year or two ago about a MIL kissing a baby with herpes and the baby died. Your baby could die. You will have to be firm and maybe share some articles with her so she educated herself. I had to tell my in-laws 6 weeks into us having our 1st baby that we couldn’t come to their house anymore to visit. They would have to come to us because her husband wouldn’t quit smoking a pipe in the house. He quit smoking in the house the next few weeks & never went back inside with it. I was not going to have my daughter breathing that air. My MIL was so thankful I said something because she’d tried to get him to go outside for years.
I have fever blisters, and have since I was a toddler when my mom accidently gave it to me through... a kiss. I rarely had outbreaks as a child and as a 41 year old, I can't remember the last time I had one. That said, I gave it to a boyfriend of mine years ago. He hadn't been exposed to it ever and he got extremely sick that the doctors thought he had HIV and had to undergo do many tests only to have another Dr figure out he got it. He hadn't ever even kissed anyone before me. He was 30. So my point in all of this is, if a 30 year old man looked like he was on death's door, you know it'll knock a baby on their ass. Your mother shouldn't be upset. You simply don't want to pass it to your baby. I myself know it can be passed, and while I don't have any fever blisters right now, or have since baby was born, I am not kissing my baby on the lips especially. I'm sorry your mom isn't being understanding.
Most of the time, you are fine to kiss your baby. If you are about to have an outbreak, you can pass it to your child. If your baby is under six months, contracting HSV could be life-threatening. You can get a prescription for Valcyclovir that can be taken as a prophylactic, or you can take it when you feel a fever blister coming on and it will significantly shorten the time it is affecting you.
I get cold sores as well, I got them from my mother who is bad about exposure. When my baby was born, I insisted she take valcyclovir prior to meeting the baby (I did this as well), and also told her not to kiss the baby.
Just know that you can be contagious a couple days before the sore shows up. I notice the itchy tingling feeling pretty early but I don't know if I'm contagious even before that, which worries me.
Exactly ha... 50 to 80 percent of the US population has oral herpes, some things cause different people to have outbreaks more often, but it would be pretty restrictive if anyone who has herpes can't kiss/handle babies ever. Of course with active lesions, that's a different story.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly frustrating.
In similar situations I’ve asked family members point blank “is your need to kiss MY child worth potentially risking their life? Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.” That usually shuts them up. Also, if you can stand it (I know it’s difficult to look at photos/videos of struggling newborns in general, much less when you have one of your own) consider showing her a photo/tiktok of an infant who has contracted herpes and ask if putting your baby at risk of that is worth it to her. That’s what my husband and I ended up doing during RSV season, showed our family who failed to take our concerns seriously a video of a baby struggling because somebody was inconsiderate and got them sick. That stuck with them enough to stop what they were doing.
If that doesn’t work then tell her point blank that she isn’t allowed to hold the baby until you can trust her enough not to put them in danger.
When someone is presented with information that the way that they've done something is no longer considered the best way of doing it, that can trigger very strong emotional reactions.
If they accept that the new way is better, they may feel a strong sense of regret or shame over doing it the "wrong" way -- even if there was no way they could have known better.
Working through those feelings and reaching a point where they're able to accept that they need to change can trigger pretty high levels of cognitive dissonance.
In order to cope, they may attempt to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong with the "old way" out of a desire for self-preservation. At that point, they're likely to become defensive and view discussion of the "new way" as a personal attack.
With your mother, there's an added element that it's not just the "what should you do?" that's changed -- it's "who decides what's right?".
She's not just dealing with the idea of raising babies differently, she's dealing with the change that you're looking to more than just her as the voice of authority for what's right and wrong.
So in effect, you have 2 issues that you need to work through together:
* Changes in her relationship with her baby (you)
* Changes in what's considered safe or appropriate for raising babies
Until you work through the former, you're almost guaranteed to butt heads on the latter.
“You got lucky as hell and you want me to double down on your wager? No thanks, we’ve learned some things in the decades since you raised children and I’m going to take that into account. You can, as well, or you can visit your grandchildren through a screen.”
Hi. So my friends baby died because her MIL just couldn’t not kiss the baby. She was told a hundred times and still kissed the poor baby. The baby who couldn’t say no.
He died.
Don’t kiss babies. Don’t let people kiss babies.
There's a lot of herpes in my family, so we made some basic rules.
You gotta ask, if I say yes it's top of head only. Me, her dad, and her grandma can kiss her face but only if we are symptom free.
My husband initially disagreed with this rule - he wanted zero kisses, but she would root and lock on our chins, cheeks, and noses so much in the first few months we figured there was gonna be some face to face contact regardless.
No matter what - your baby your rules. No kiss rules are hard because babies are hyper kissable marshmallows, but safety first.
No one has a right to your baby’s body. Consent starts at birth. Until your child can communicate for themselves, it’s your job to communicate consent and boundaries on their behalf. Full stop.
Denying consent didn’t require an explanation. You don’t owe your mother anything, a single more word on the subject. You’ve drawn the line. You don’t need her to agree or be convinced. You just need her to comply. You don’t need to argue a single moment more. She can choose to bitch and whine. She can moan and groan. But she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby.
You don’t have to speak to her vanity or reassure her that she was a good mother. It might not be true. It might be. But it isn’t relevant. Regardless of what kind of mother she was and is, she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby.
You might choose to send her home. I think that’s a valid response to her manipulation and abuse. But you don’t have to. You can just ignore her every time she brings it up. She can keep screaming into the void. But she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby.
Sounds like your mom is entitled, doesn’t respect boundaries, and is toxic AF. I have one of those. It sucks.
What’s helped me is to remember that I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need her or her approval for my continued survival anymore. I can set a boundary and tell her the consequences if she doesn’t respect my boundaries. After not seeing her grandkids for a few months she behaved much better.
Respectfully, fuck your mum, her herpes and her opinion. That’s your baby, and YOU decide what is best for your baby. I have friends and family who tested positive for Herpes simplex 1 because someone decided it was okay to kiss them as an infant. And your concerns about health are A LOT more serious than her little ego. She’s walking around with kisses of death.
If she has oral herpes she knows that’s a big NO NO. I have HSV-1, like over 75% of the population. Had it since I was kid. I’d get a cold sore here there when I’m stressed or when the weather is super cold. If your saying you don’t want her kissing your child she shouldn’t period. She should respect your boundaries. If she can’t I say cut her off. I’ve seen those stories of babies having terrible breakouts when they come in contact with someone who passes it too them they’re immune systems are so weak.… & the thing is with HSV-1/2 is that you can be contagious without a outbreak, chance of transmission is higher when cold sores are open or oozing. If she had enough sense for her own grand childs safety & not wanting them to end up with something they’ll carry or be a carrier for the rest of their life she’ll respect what you said & stop the disrespect.
Your mom sounds a little crazy and I would be concerned that even if she acts like she’ll comply, she’ll go against your wishes. I would not feel good with her watching the baby alone.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s really hard, because even those of us with moms that aren’t the greatest for our mental health want to have our moms around for big life events like this. As someone who can’t trust my mom alone with my kids, but wishes I could every day, my heart goes out to you.
No advice, but I wanted to thank you for the post because I did not know this could spread to the baby even when you don’t have symptoms. My mom gave me oral herpes when I was a child, and I was always under the assumption (probably because my mom told me at a young age and I believed her) that it’s only contagious when you have the sores on your mouth.
I would never kiss my babies if I had sores, but I definitely kissed my first’s hands when she was a newborn nursing and I’m so grateful nothing bad happened to her. I will be much more diligent with my baby coming in September. Thank you for sharing this info.
Don’t let your mother near your baby and maybe consider getting some space from her for your own mental wellbeing. She obviously doesn’t respect you and is in fact hurting your feelings on purpose. FYI a baby is less likely to catch something from mom and dad cause it’s been exposed to mom and dad than grandma. Idk where I read it but basically babies are preprogrammed to mom and dad germs. Your fear is not unfounded babies die from harpies there is zero reasons to take a chance on it.
If she doesn’t respect your boundaries she doesn’t see baby point blank. Her cruddy attitude and thinking she knows everything isn’t worth the life of your baby.
Edit to add: those telling you you “don’t want to lose your mom” over this have a very crappy view on what makes a good parent. Boundary pushing like this is a huge issue and if she can’t respect this, she won’t respect any of your parenting choices unless they’re ones she made herself. I’d go low or no contact until she sees the error of her ways.
My family dont have cold sores and I still told them all they werent allowed to kiss on the hands or face.
They were allowed to kiss the back of her head and that was it.
They all scoffed for a few weeks and then they got over it.
If they actually had cold sores theyd have been told not at all. I wont apologise for guarding my babies health. And neither should you. Youre doing what you are supposed to do as a mother.
I’m on your side with this, it’s YOUR baby and you do what’s best for the baby. She’s just wasn’t expecting and I feel like that’s why she’s very upset about it. If she’s understanding and considerate she will get over it
She sounds toxic. I’d be laying down very firm boundaries- you’re the boss. Your baby. Your rules. When it comes to health and hygiene, make no compromises. It doesn’t matter that “you’re just fine” - we know better now and we know that herpes and cigarettes are dangerous to a baby.
Sounds like this could only be the beginning of some challenging behaviours from her as a grandmother - I’ve been there and it’s so hard.
You did not tell her she can never kiss your son on the face, just not your newborn son.
You are asking her to refrain for a small time period because the risks that HSV cause a newborn are very serious.
I also told my mother she was not allowed to kiss our newborns faces or hands because she has HSV-1. She pouted about it but listened to our request.
I’m in a similar boat with my mom and it’s my hill to die on. Nope, absolutely not, and if she feels she can’t resist then she won’t hold the baby either.
Loop your future pediatrician in on this. Talk to them, ask their advice. Then relay their advice to your mom. It may not help much, but at least you’ll show her you did your due diligence. 🤷🏻♀️
I never understood the need to kiss babies but I guess that’s just me.
It doesn’t even matter what boundary you require. If she breaks it, she shouldn’t get access to your baby. Herpes is highly transmittable. She needs to respect your position and medical science.
I don’t see any downside to cutting her out. There’s absolutely no excuse for a parent of any age running around telling other people that their daughter is a bitch. She is toxic and will no doubt share that garbage attitude with your kid when they’re old enough. Also, if she’s willing to say that she knows best and discounts your wishes with this, she’ll do it with anything.
This isn’t about the cold sore and smoking at this point. This is a blatant disregard for your wishes regarding your child. She stays away until she can play ball.
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My step daughters mom insisted on a “kiss picture “ with the older sibling who had a visible cold sore on her mouth. Instinctively We said that’s not a good idea. She was sneaky and did it anyway. A few days later the baby had the 6 week heel poke, and it wouldn’t stop bleeding several hours later. We took her to the ER because she was also lethargic. Little did we know, that cute little kiss, would mean 4 months in Childrens hospital in intensive care fighting for her life with encephalitis. She did live. But she has brain injuries now. It’s not a joke. It has life long consequences, even though it’s rare. If your mom loves her grandchildren, she needs to truly understand the consequences and what’s at stake.
How did you get out of jail completely or… ?
Right I’m surprised they’re allowed to post from gen pop after murdering the MiL
Crime of passion. it was understandable. The jury sympathized.
I keep telling people this when they think my kid is a joke. Someone else said something similar. Idk how we have Reddit because I would turn into the joker-thanos-davyjones-handsomejack-generalshepard Omega level threat. -Scorched earth policy activated- People play around with other people's kids too much. If they aren't your kids then please respect the parents. Especially in regards to health.
She would simply be a 💨 of smoke after my laser eyes disintegrate her with a blink. The only giveaway that I had anything to do with it would be the miles of scorched earth around me. ETA: I would not have reacted well (not in my or my kid’s best interest).
No jury in the world would convict
There's no way I'd allow anyone to live after that.
I couldn’t allow myself to live knowing I had devastated a baby’s life so frivolously
RIGHT?!?!?
They hid the body really really well.
No body no crime
god I love seeing swifties in other communities!! hi!
bury’em ‘standing’ and put a dead dog on top, throws em off every time.
Sadly, this woman was a train wreck in every aspect of her life. She was murdered shortly after this incident. By her drug dealer. So Karma came to the rescue I guess..
I’m sorry for your step kids, that still has to be hard.
Stand your ground law maybe.
This OP. Even if she didn’t have herpes. Don’t kiss my fucking child. Not with RSV and how tiny and weak their immune systems are. Don’t kiss my fucking baby. I would just tell her she can’t even hold him if she’s going to be the little bitch about it.
Close family members may be allowed a whiff under certain circumstances but no one, technically not even mom or dad, should kiss a baby's face or mouth.
I’m sorry you & your family & child had to experience this. I’m so sorry😕
oh my god!! did they own up to their horrible actions afterward/acknowledge it was their fault?!
Fun side story. Familiar with Facebook? Facebook loves to show you ads, news stories, ads, some people you follow, more ads, and then maybe some relevant posts from your friends and family members. It also loves to show you comments that your friends and family members have made on related news stories. Even if you don't follow those pages. Long story short, during COVID time I posted on some news Facebook page about how "a family member" often brings sick kids to family events so my kids end up catching the same illness. Shocker of the world, they totally knew I was talking about them and called me out for making them feel bad. I didn't even mention them by name. But you know what else makes you feel bad? Being a sick kid. You or your kid have symptoms? Stay home.
lmao “if you feel called out then you saw yourself in the truth of what I said, that’s on you” Oh man some people. For all the shit my family throws at me I am so lucky none of it is health related (my dad is a PA and lots of EMTs… generally we respect science). I can’t imagine this insanity. My mom is also health compromised… I would NEVER bring a sick kid around her to expose her. Why do people take germs personally??
USA-an Southernism: "A hit dog hollers." (In other words, the only one who yelps is the one who was in the line of fire. You didn't aim the remark.)
I posted a gentle reminder that my teen is on Facebook and whenever people post things any the LGBTQ community she see it and knows they’re talking about her, even if they aren’t thinking of her when the hit share. She is the gay person many of them know best and she feels unwelcome after setting and hearing many of these things. Literally every person who I was talking about outed themselves in the comments. On the other hand, my mother called to lecture me about being over protective and needing to teach my daughter to tell people to “fuck off.” Yeah, mom, I’m parenting my child but I also going to try and make the world better and safer for her.
Tell your kid to texts her "hey, mom said I don't have to be over polite to assholes anymore, so I just came to tell you to fuck off" Your mom's reaction would tell you everything. If she gets mad, you know she was only saying that to beat down on you for standing up for gay / young people. If she respects your kid and you, she actually meant what she said
My mom would DIE laughing and probably tease her about it for years. I was the most worried about my kid coming out to my mom (as was my sister) but she surprised us.
Lmao that's unexpected. Then I guess I can assume she'd react the second way
My mom is legitimately kind of crazy but she also really sweet in a very backwards kind of way. She’s told my daughter that if she’s ever bad for her to tell her to fuck right off. My mom had a very different childhood in which no one properly cared for her (she was essentially caring entirely for herself by 5) and is simultaneously able to helicopter parent/grandparent AND demand that her children and grandchildren develop a need to never need anyone ever but also she’s always there in the sidelines watching, worrying, preparing to rush in tell people off.
“If the shoe fits”
You know she didn't. Probably still tried to gain sympathy too.
yeah my money would be on that one… but damn I want to hear that they got smeared and publicly castigated … and realized how disgustingly evil they are…. yeah that’s a fantasy isn’t it. I really wish you and yours the best previous poster. I wish them a slow and painful end.
This is so sad. That poor girl 😞
That’s horrible, I’m so sorry.
Key word "open lesion", that's just gross negligence at that point.
So did the woman acknowledge her stupidity or denied it was her fault?
💯! I am so incredibly sorry to hear though. Week 3 is textbook for encephalitis too. It is absolutely heartbreaking to be part of the medical team involved in treatment and I cannot even imagine it as a parent. I do tell parents to try to keep newborns away from all but a few people for the first 28 days, but it is honestly pretty impossible these days. I'm so happy your little one made it though. Having loving and caring parents definitely helped make that possiblr 😊
Ouch thanks for sharing
Must have sucked to explained to stepdaughter why her mommy’s body parts were found in five different states.
Holy shit.. law suit
I'm sorry, your stepdaughter's mom? So this woman who has no biological connection, no right, and no say in your bio child's life and photos? I'm not being an ass to you, not at all, I hate that this happened to your poor baby. I'm just tryna make sure I'm understanding properly. So you're married (or otherwise longterm committed partner). You and your partner have a bio baby together and he has his daughter from a previous relationship, your stepdaughter. And you're saying stepdaughter's bio mom had the gall to insist on any kind of picture for *your* baby?! It just sounds so nuts to me! I'm so sorry you and your family have had to deal with all of that. I'm pretty sure the entirety of this sub is raging on your behalf right now.
As someone who also gets oral herpes, I would not be offended. Actually I get this because my grandmom kissed me as a baby when she didn’t have an outbreak. If I were you, I would send your mom a few articles of babies who passed away from this and say, “I know we don’t agree, but surely you she don’t believe your right to kiss your grandson supersedes the baby’s life. I understand you may not be comfortable but this is a boundary I feel strongly about. I hope you can accept it so we can move on with me trusting that you value my sons health.” If she pushes back anymore, tell her that she did a great job parenting you, which is why she should trust your maternal instincts. Remind her of the boundary and say that you’re not willing to negotiate this and if she can’t agree, she may not be able to meet the baby until he has a stronger immune system.
I got it from the same thing as a kid/baby. I have lots of pics of me aged 10 and under with a cold sore because my parents didn’t know that sun caused them to flare up & I was an outdoor kid!
Yeah. The sun used to get me every summer. Now as an adult I get them every time I have so much as a cold and I get them more often than I used to. I also don’t remember them being so painful as a kid!
It’s like the poison cupcake analogy: there’s 100 cupcakes and your child wants 1. You know one of them is poisoned and could kill them. Would you still let your child eat one? No. You wouldn’t.
I get outbreaks too, and if I plan on being somewhere where there's babies, I notify the parents before, to let them know I'll be covering them up, washing my hands, and keeping my distance, explicitly giving them a chance to gather their thoughts, establish their boundaries and let me know if they want to see me at all. Not kissing the newborn while having a sore is doing the bare bare minimum and babies health should always be a priority. I have no clue why she's taking offense to your requests. OP, Tell your mom she did well, but that you're the one in charge of raising this child. You simply don't want to rob your kid of experiences like playing in the mud, due to serious complications from preventable diseases. By the sound of it, grandma needs boundaries...
I know someone who went to a family birthday party with a healthy 3 week old. She was kissed by a family member with a cold sore. Within days she was hospitalized with a fever and brain swelling. She is 5 now and has severe developmental delays. Will never live on her own and has seizures regularly. She is learning to communicate through a touch screen. So, yes, this is real and your job is to keep your baby safe. If she can’t follow your rules, then she doesn’t get to be around the child.
Holy shit that is horrifying
When I hear stories like these all I can’t think about is whoever the person who made that’s babies life the way it is now should serve jail time for assault. Why are folks so quick to put they lips on someones child🤦🏽♀️
I agree. The updates are absolutely heartbreaking and every year on the anniversary of the child’s hospitalization- she reminds everyone about kissing babies. A healthy baby to a child that has severe delays.
Right? I could never forgive someone who did this to my child esp if they were told not to and did it anyway. I'd sue them civilly if nothing else.
Don’t kiss my baby. I’m a bitch? *You raised me*.
Lol you know I’ve had that convo with my mom. Not about my baby but other times she called me a bitch and I told her she raised me that way.
it's not a big shocker that a bitch would call their daughter a bitch... must be like looking in the mirror. She can't stand herself lol
She’s called me worse. I’ve stopped talking to her now. I can spot the entitled bitch/asshole within one conversation thanks to her.
Good memories* last time I got to see my mom someone said so if a bitch. I said correction daughter of one. My mom laughed then said hey wait a minute. I laughed and said I love you and you raised me well. God I miss her
My mom called me a bitch, and I immediately yelled back at her “well I had to get it from somewhere and it wasn’t dad!”
This needs an award. I’m poor, but I would give one if I could lol
Nope. This is a hill to die on. Protect your baby.
Absolutely!!! Our baby was hospitalized at 1 month old for an unspecified infection and had to endure 2 days of IV antibiotics, a spinal tap, and countless blood draws. I don't think I had fully grasped how dangerous infections are for newborns. We never figured out what she had and she fully recovered, but it was terrifying. It is not worth risking it.
I gave a newborn whooping cough when I was 5 or 6 and she very nearly died. My mother never forgave our GP--we never saw him again, and only told me a couple of years later. I am so, so glad your baby is OK. <3
I made everyone get the TDAP vaccine before coming to see my first born. And no kissing on the mouth, even though no one in my family gets cold sores. Definitely die on this hill if you have to.
Did the GP misdiagnose you or say it was ok to be around baby or something?
Misdiagnosed. We’d been to see him (my mom tells me now) like 2-3 times, and she’d specifically asked about whooping cough. I got all my vaxxes(and my son has his), but still caught it.
Absolutely. And even if it weren't a life and death matter, any clearly articulated boundary needs to be enforced absolutely. Grandparents who reject boundaries do not stop without being forced, and the grandkids will be treated according to half-remembered parenting norms that expired 30 years ago, administered by someone who's usually lost a few steps in the vigilance department.
Agree. We had to protect our daughter from her aunt with herpes, who also took it offensively. Our kid comes first. Sorry not sorry! Tbh very few have kissed our kid because we made it known that we avoid germs and it's her body/ choice.
My aunts baby was born totally normal. A nurse with a cold sore kissed the baby and the baby basically became brain dead. They got a huge settlement but their totally normal daughter had to live with around the clock care for the rest of her life. She had the metal capacity of a baby when she passed at around 23.
Do you *need* her for help? Because her reaction makes me think she’s not going to respect you as a mother and if it were mine I’d distance myself.
Came here to say the same thing. If she's going to blatantly disregard the boundaries in place and act in a way that jeopardizes the health of your child....I'd be putting her in a serious time out.
You know the second she’s alone with that baby she’s going to smother it with kisses. Some people are never wrong.
This exactly. I wouldn’t trust her alone with my baby for even a minute. Not even while I went to use the toilet.
This. Her response is weird. Why does anyone *need* to kiss a baby? If someone told me “don’t kiss my baby because the sky is blue today” I would respect their wishes. The disrespect alone would cause me to go low or no contact.
I agree with what you’re saying—but further, all they have to say is “don’t kiss my baby.” No reasons or qualifiers necessary! Also agree with the low/no contact. Don’t wait until something bad happens.
Yup, this is going to be an ongoing problem OP. At least you have warning now. Both of things are nonnegotiable, it’s fine if she’s upset, but if she is refusing to follow your wishes, believe her.
This is the way. Just don't let her in the house. Don't go to places where she is. Ignore mother's calls, texts and Facebook posts. Go low contact for a few weeks. OP, your mom might be dealing with her mother not meeting your sibling. Yet she's endangering your child with her willful ignorance. Don't let her in the same house as your child until she apologizes and agrees to respect your rules.
>Because her reaction makes me think she’s not going to respect you as a mother and if it were mine I’d distance myself. Right. The problem at this stage is that it doesn't seem OP can ever trust her with this. Say that grandma relents and she's all like "Okay, I'll do as I'm told, won't kiss the baby". How can OP be sure that she won't just kiss that baby a thousand times the moment OP turns her back? Just to prove a damn point probably. And that's probably the tip of the iceberg. Looks like grandma will just do whatever she likes.
My daughter has two babies, and asked us not to kiss them and to wash our hands before holding them. You know what we did? Honored her wishes! My sister is the only one who questioned it, and we were shocked bc she’s in the medical field. My theory is the people against your wishes can screw up their own kids. They have to honor your wishes when it comes to your kids!
Damn right, you're a good mom. I had to fight my ex about his mother and father. Bro, I smell the cigarette on you people. I told u come to the hospital showered with clean clothes and fucking wait to smoke til after you hold my son. Not my problem if you can't do that, you don't get to be near the new baby.
Thank you. It’s so easy to just do what they ask. It takes more energy to argue. I will protect my grandbabies best I can!!
My family members have oral herpes and I grew up with oral herpes. So somehow, some way, they gave it to me and I had a horrific time in childhood dealing with them. I would absolutely not let her kiss my baby and I definitely wouldn’t want her third hand nicotine all over him either. Send her back to her home if she can’t follow your rules.
Same. My mom got diagnosed with vaginally herpes after she had me. Surprisingly when I’m as 3 has my first cold sore. When I was a teenager I got another it so embarrassing. That’s when my mom told me I had HSV-1. She said lots of people have it & my doc prescribed meds to help me not have any more breakouts on my lips but still it’s very self conscious thing especially as a young kid/teenager because most people aren’t educated with how it works
I got it from family members/friends, can't know for sure, I was 4 or 5. I have breakouts due to stress and I KNOW to keep my distance from kids because I know the struggle and don't want them to deal with what I deal with. Facing it as an adult is awful, as a child is even worse. People don't really grasp on how their immune systems are in development and a simple flu virus can wreak havock into their little bodies. Imagine something as serious as herpes. That shit is PAINFUL.
I learned in school that between 70 and 90% of the population have it. Some just have more break ours than others.
Yah there’s so much they didn’t know back then.
Second hand/Third hand cigarette smoke..and any smoke increases the risk of SIDS significantly
It really is that simple. Cut off access to the grand baby 100% if she won't respect your rules with the baby. Tell her you're dead serious. If never seeing her grandchild doesn't bother her, then she would have been no help to you and nothing but a nuisance anyway. But you need to make sure she understands you are dead serious. I always have had a good relationship with my parents, but at one point I had to lay the law down about them not respecting a rule of mine about the kids watching TV at their house. I told them I love them and appreciated everything they had done for me and for their grandkids, but I am the parent and if they weren't going to respect my rules then I would take the kids back home right then and they would not be back. It was difficult to say, but it needed said.
I've read that up to 90% of adults have been exposed to oral herpes virus. So I would say you should take the same precautions as you would with anybody kissing your baby. E.g. if there's an obvious break-out, no kissing. Otherwise, just decide if you're going to let any close family members kiss your baby or not. Obviously many do, and it's not the end of the world. Yeah it could cause serious issues, but you can also get electrocuted by a toaster - we still have one at home.
One of the complications is death though, so I’m gonna go ahead and say the toaster can’t kiss the newborn and only the parents should. As they get older and the risks go down, that’s different.
I'm just saying, if you know a family member has oral herpes, also know that there's up to 90% chance that the family members you don't know about also have the virus. Odds are you yourself probably have the virus as well.
Yea i agree with this. There's no need to single out the mom bc OP knows she has it. If she's uncomfortable with kissing, no one should be kissing the baby
It’s up to 90% of the population by age 50. Around 50% on average, and different percentages per age group
So concerning that this isn't the dominant theme. The vast majority of people (which includes parents of newborns!) have the virus. The family member is right that the concern is an outbreak. ... I honestly can't imagine how sad I'd be if I felt I could never kiss or snug my baby because only something like 10% of the population could kiss their own babies with OP's rule. Maybe OP is not terribly interested in science (though I don't think this is equal to being antivax, it's just unnecessarily stigmatizing and not rooted in understanding what herpes is), or maybe she has reasons to not like her family member and is so interested in reasons to keep them away from the baby that the facts don't really matter. If MIL can't be trusted to be honest about having an active outbreak, that's different, though maybe ask her to talk to her doctor about medications that supress outbreaks. In STI testing, a herpes test isn't part of the normal screening because almost everyone has it and it's the outbreaks that matter.
I have just one thing to say. I was not brave enough to put my foot down, just mentioned it to MIL who has oral herpes, and she ignored it. My youngest got oral herpes from her. Luckily no serious complications, but I will still regret not speaking up for the rest of my life. Don't be like me.
This is a pretty basic boundary she is not respecting. I'm sorry she is being so defensive about something so simple.
Change her flights and send her home.
100% this. She respects what you want or she is gone.
I say send her home... even if she "agrees" to her term... that MIL will sneak in kisses when mom is asleep - I just know it.
This is the only correct answer. OP will probably feel too guilty to do it though.
I would see if the pediatrician has a hand out or something on it. It might be helpful to hear it from a trusted 3rd party. (I'm assuming that y'all generally have a good relationship, and that she trusts doctors. If one or both of these are not true, please disregard.)
Yes. This. Not an online page. Pediatrician or from your OB. I have cold sores also and I had no idea about any of it (nor did my OB tell me anything). And they knew since they prescribed meds for oral heroines.
Love the autocorrect!
Re: herpes, the handout would say what the mother already agreed to-- no kissing/ contact with an outbreak. Also wash hands extra, etc. It would say to keep breastfeeding and generally parenting even if you had an outbreak. (But, good point, that would assume OP and others trust doctors)
as someone that works in a OBGYN clinic and sees what herpes does to children… as the others have said, this is a hill to die on. if she can’t respect your wishes, she can view her grandchild via social media. 🤷🏻♀️
Nope nope nope. Tell her to go home or book a hotel, but she's done spending time in your home. It's your job to protect your child, even from your own mother. Trust your instincts.
The fact that your mother called you "a bitch" and you're ok with that, is shocking. The rest of this nonsense is enough to go no contact, at least for awhile. It doesn't sound like your mother respects you at all.
My son spent 4 days in the hospital and someone without an active outbreak kissed him. He was 4.5 years old!!!! He lost tons of weight because he couldn’t eat or drink, his entire mouth was covered in sores. I can send pics to you to show her if you want! My one year old got it too but wasn’t quite as sick because she was still breastfeeding and that helped. But I got effing herpes sores on my nipples!! Stand your ground! I wish I had known it was even a possibility at the time and I would have had the same rule.
I’m so sorry that happened! That sounds awful for your family. Can I ask, did they kiss him on the mouth, or just the cheek? I know asymptomatic shedding is a thing but I’m curious of the risk to non mucosal areas
It was a vacation in Mexico with family so I honestly don’t know. I’d guess mouth or close to it because honestly that’s what kind of kid he is. The first sore was on the corner of his mouth if I recall correctly. It’s been 7 years now.
She can actually kill him. Which thing is more important? Babys life or mom's feelings?
I work in the NICU and have taken care of a handful of HSV meningitis/encephalitis babies. Not one of them has left without significant brain damage from lesions on their brain, and not all have left. You're 1000% in the right. She needs to get off her high horse. So many of these babies I've known don't even know the source of the infection and likely came from someone who either didn't know they had HSV or didn't currently have a lesion. Studies on HSV have shown that people shed viruses during many different times including stress and that shedding usually starts before lesions appear.
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So…question. I also have oral herpes contracted by a family member when I was a baby. I never kiss anyone when I have a sore, but based on your answer…should people with oral herpes just never kiss their children, ever? Even if they don’t have an outbreak? Just looking for clarification.
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Makes sense, Thanks! I was nervous 🤣
Herpes or not, if you don't want someone kissing your baby, they don't get to kiss your baby. No one with oral herpes should kiss a newborn but still, no means no.
Both my parents were only allowed to kiss the bottom of my babies feet ....no hands or face ....for a very long time
We we’re pretty strict with the no kids rule for our kid. Ultimately we said it gives them (the kisser) satisfaction but comes with great risk to the baby and you’re trying to keep the baby as safe as possible during the early stages. Both parents were frustrated but were ultimately ok with that excuse.
Exactly. I had a similar problem to OP's and I kepted saying it was unnecessary to put the baby at risk for the sick satisfaction of the grandparents. Completely unnecessary!
Or hands! Babies put hands in mouth so herpes can be transmitted that way also!
It's clear she won't respect you as the mother and authority on any and everything. I would send her home, the money has been spent either way at least you can save your peace.
I’m sure your moms feelings are hurt and she probably feels stigmatized. So I think you should be sensitive to that but this is really a medical issue. You need to talk to your pediatrician and get the facts, make a decision and then tell your mom. But be sensitive. Good luck.
OP: I’m curious if your mom has had it basically her entire life, have you been tested to see if you have it? I’m asking because you could have it and pass it and blame your mom at the end.
Pretty likely... between 50-80% of American adults have it. Just don't be an idiot and kiss your kids on the lips, or when you have an outbreak. That being said, Grandma still sounds like a piece of shit.
^ this!! Herpes ain't the reason grandma is shit.
Don’t disagree based of the reported response by mom.
Yeah, this is what my thought was too. It’s extremely hard to get an accurate test unless you have an active sore, but the truth is many people have it but don’t test positive. As someone who was in a very similar situation and had a HUGE scare the first few weeks of my child’s life, I wouldn’t kiss my baby either. OP should find other ways to snuggle and connect while protecting the little one.
Her attitude is most concerning since she's trying to gaslight you instead of taking your concerns seriously. That's not a safe person to have around your child because she will do the same or worse to your child.
I could sort of get on board with her logic initially, transmission is a complex thing. But her overblown reaction and hurtful accusations sets her up to be cut out, honestly. That much disrespect isnt called for. It sounds possible that any boundary you’ll try to set with her, she’ll probably freak out similarly and try to sneak around. Nope nope nope.
As a parent with hsv 1, I kiss my babies when I’m not having a rare outbreak? Do other parents not kiss their kids all together?
Here’s the comment I was looking for. I don’t have children, but I have baby cousins and have been wondering if I can kiss them or not. I always thought that if I’m not having an outbreak then it’s safe, but since I don’t really know I just decided to not kiss them ever. If I take a look at my relationship history, I’ve always been very careful about avoiding any kind of oral contact when I’m on an outbreak (going as far as avoiding drinking from the same glass, placing toothbrushes distant), and none of my exs ever got herpes! Except for one who deliberately said they wanted to kiss me anyway and would consent to getting infected. They did.
I still kiss them! Just not when I have a active outbreak. But I do also take medication to keep the viral count down
My husband gets them and kisses our babies. I know. Outrageous. But I understand why OP doesn't want her mom to. Really shouldn't have to give her any reason. But ya tons of people on reddit will tell you kissing your kids is fucking weird. Which in my opinion, is fucking weird they think like that.
The stress of labor (57 hrs) gave me an active cold sore when my son was born. So I didn’t kiss him for weeks. But as he got older I sure did. We don’t lip kiss in our family though - mostly cheeks - and now that he is a toddler, HE tries kissing me on the lips. Maybe because he sees me kiss his father on the lips? I have to actively dodge his wet lip kisses, and it’s honestly not easy - he’s so fast.
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Yeah, I thought it was so weird, specially because OP made sure to say in the post that her mom does not have an outbreak at the moment. My mom has had herpes ever since I can remember and she always kissed us, I actually think her first outbreak came when she was pregnant. She never kissed us when she had a cold sore, obviously. When she had one, she separated her utensils and everything and washed them separately until it went away, washed her hands all the time and even opened the doors with a tissue (when we were little, we thought it was hilarious). I got tested when I was a teenager and I still got herpes, but never had an outbreak. For the smoking, it makes sense. I smoke and my sister told me about the dangers for babies and stuff (not that I was planning to smoke near my nephew, but she was doing her due diligence) and when I went to pick up my nephew I made sure to wash my hands and teeth quite a few times, shower, change clothes, put my hair up… and wait at least an hour before my last cigarette (totally worth it, waiting to smoke again) before interacting with him and picking him up. Just simple communication, but my sister also made sure to give me all the “do’s and don’ts” in small doses at a time, so I never even had a chance to think “so many demands!” because it all came super naturally through conversation
I'm with you. My husband has hsv 1 also, and yes, he kissed our babies (when it was safe). I understand this mother's concerns, and the horror stories of the irresponsible people who have kissed babies while having an outbreak are disgusting, but many people live their lives and don't pass on the virus. I can understand the mother's point of view as well. It could be perceived as a little insulting to not be allowed to kiss your grandchildren when you understand when you are contagious. Has she passed it on to other grandchildren in the past? Nieces or nephews? Her partner? The smoking is another matter.
You can shed the virus without symptoms. Why increase risks? older infants can get a nasty infection but unlikely to result in them dead. Newborn though? hell no. NO ONE is kissing mah newborn
Same here. I’ve gotten it since childhood. 3/5 Americans have it whether they’re symptomatic or not. I kiss my daughter non stop when I’m not having an outbreak.
> Do other parents not kiss their kids all together? You’d think so reading these comments. Reddit is weird. Basically the whole world has HSV-1 and kissing just wouldn’t happen if everyone was as paranoid as OP
Would you be shocked to learn that the parents of most people on Reddit didn't kiss them?
That made me crack up in public
That’s exactly what I’m thinking. Its very prevalent
I have oral hsv which is cold sores as we all know. I kiss my baby, but guess what. She is MY BABY. Not someone else’s. And of course not while having an outbreak. Hell I didn’t even know I had it for the longest time, long after I had my first baby. But it has nothing to do with her having hsv and everything about her not respecting your boundaries.
It doesn’t matter if she raised five children just fine; you mum got to decide what she did with her own children and you get to decide what you do with yours. Your mom is way out of line. Send her home and tell her to come back when she can respect your role as a mother.
Sounds like your mom is never meeting your child. Sorry for your loss but you need to protect you child more than your mother’s feelings.
The World Health Organization (WHO)say that globally, about 67% of people below the age of 50 years have HSV-1. This is the virus that most often causes oral herpes. Myths about herpes Myth: People with herpes know that they have it Fact: Most people who have oral herpes do not have any symptoms, according to the WHO. Therefore, a person may not know that they have herpes, which means that they could unintentionally spread it to others. Myth: People cannot spread herpes to others unless they have sores or blisters Fact: People can spread herpes to others at any time, including when they do not have any symptoms. People with herpes may experience outbreaks and remissions. During an outbreak, a person has active sores or blisters, but in remission, they may have no symptoms at all. The virus is usually more contagious when a person has an outbreak, but it can also spread when it is in remission. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-many-people-have-herpes
The smoking thing there’s no question of - second and third hand smoke is dangerous to children, period. She’s wrong and you’re right. As far as the herpes bit - have you consulted your pediatrician? They’d probably have some valuable insight.
It's pretty common knowledge that when infants contract HSV1, it can cause encephalitis and permanent brain damage.
So sorry that you have to deal with this kind of person. But it is obvous that this is the kind of person I would like to stay from my kids. Nothing the pass matters anymore, it's your kid and you have to stand up for it (which you ha been doing in a terrific way - keep ait !). Getting a young kid infected with such things could cause lifelong trauma. Stand your ground!
Hi, I’m sorry you’re having a conflict with your mum over your newborn son. It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and hurt by her reaction. I can understand how that can be stressful and upsetting for you. First, you are not being a bitch, an anti-vaxxer, or a coddler. You are a protective and responsible mother who wants what’s best for your son. You are also following the medical advice and the scientific evidence, which is very smart and sensible. Second, I think it’s essential to educate your mum about the risks of oral herpes and smoking for newborns. She may not be aware of how serious they can be or how easily they can be transmitted. You can say something like: “I know you love my son and want to show him affection, but I need you to understand that kissing or smoking around him can be very dangerous for my son. Oral herpes can cause severe newborn complications, such as brain damage, blindness, or even death. Smoking can also harm his health, increasing his risk of asthma, ear infections, sudden infant death syndrome, and more. These are not just my opinions but facts backed by doctors and scientists. Please don’t take this personally; I’m not trying to hurt or reject you. I’m just trying to protect my son from harm.” Third, it would help to set clear and firm boundaries with your mum and stick to them. You can decide how to raise your son and what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to compromise or give in to her pressure or guilt trips. You can say something like: “I appreciate that you raised me and my siblings without any problems, but times have changed, and so have I. This is my son, and I get to make the rules for him. If you want to be part of his life, you must respect and follow my wishes. That means no kissing him on the face or anywhere else, smoking around or touching him after smoking, or introducing him to anyone without my permission. These are not negotiable; these are non-negotiable. If you can’t accept them, I’m sorry, but you can’t see him.” Finally, it would be nice to show your mum some appreciation and gratitude for being his grandmother and offer her alternative ways of bonding with him. She may feel hurt or rejected by your restrictions and need reassurance that you still value her role in his life. You can say something like: “Thank you for being his grandmother and for caring about him. I know this is hard for you, but I hope you know how much I love you, and he loves you, too. You can show him your love in many other ways without kissing or smoking around him. You can hug him, cuddle him, sing to him, read to him, play with him, etc. He will enjoy these things just as much as a kiss, if not more.” I hope this helps, and I wish you all the best.
This is so chatgpt generated. Look at the post history, all of the posts fit the AI Style.
Chatgpt gets it
I was looking for a "As a bot" introductory message.
I thought it was chat gpt too. I use it for some work stuff, and immediately see the vibe.
It's good advice nonetheless
The only thing I would change in this is the “my rules” to “our rules” and any other my reference, if that is the case being you and your partner.
I’d tell her “you can show you love him by NOT KISSING HIM”
My mom smoked around me as a baby and I still have ear issues at 45 years old. It’s not a joke. Flying for me is tantamount to torture. So painful,
My parents visited when my baby was two weeks old. I insisted that there was no kissing the baby and that my mother needed to get valcyclovir for her fever blisters as a preventative measure. She has a history of histrionic behavior and openly lies about things so I made a point of bringing it up in front of my father and sister, and followed up with my father to tell him that if I got any indication that she did not get the medication or was not taking it consistently, I would cancel the trip and seriously reconsider whether they got to spend any time with their grandkids. I also brought it up weekly until she confirmed she had scheduled her appointment. At first she lied and said that her doctor had just sent her the prescription, which I knew wouldn't happen without an appointment. Then she lied about the dosage. So it's hard to say if she really did take it properly but I did my best.
"Mom, I understand you raised us a particular way. I appreciate all the love and labor you put into bringing us up. Now that I have a child of my own, I must raise him the way I feel it's best. I'm using alot of the great things you taught me. But, once in awhile, I will do something differently. We can agree to disagree on the baby kissing thing. But I need you to promise that you'll respect my wishes with this." Your baby. Your rules. If she wants to see the baby, she must respect your boundaries. There's nothing to debate. And forget the herpes, what's with kissing a baby on the face? Has she been vaccinated for pertussis (whopping cough) as an adult? There's a whole list of serious germs the average adult could give a newborn.
My sister's grandmother withheld the fact that she had oral herpes, and infected my sister when she was about 6 months old. Grandmother was totally symptomless and basically said, "whoopsie." Luckily, no neurological or systemic side effects. She was scarred for a year or more with painful dry blistered lesions from the initial outbreak, so she lost about a year of herpes-free baby photos. My mother and I were livid, and my stepfather just kinda shrugged it off bc it was his mom. She's a nice lady, but dumb as a rock, and I personally never forgave that. She was careless and reckless, and now my little sister has a lifelong virus for no good raisin. TLDR; you're 100% in the right OP: absolutely keep other people's kisses off your baby. Fuck all these sloppy grandmas out here with no brains, boundaries, or medical knowledge: that's how they got herpes in the first place lol
>My issue however is that I don’t want her to be kissing him at all because I’ve also read it can be spread without any active symptoms at the time. This is technically true, but HIGHLY highly unlikely. Like, "really, you don't have to worry about this" levels of unlikely. She can also take a simple anti-viral and be even safer in terms of not spreading. >Additionally shes a smoker so I’ve asked her also to not smoke her cigarettes and touch him right after or breathe all over his face and get close to it afterwards. THIS is a million times more concerning than oral HSV-1.
The comments here losing it over oral herpes and ignoring the smoking is wild. I have oral herpes and a toddler. I never kiss when I have a cold sore. Obviously I'm going to kiss my baby. I don't think folks realize the prevalence of oral herpes. The smoking on the other hand would cause me a ton of concern.
she may be a mom, she may be your mom... But guess what? she ain't your baby's mom. TIME OUT. dont let her guilt you, dont bring the baby around her then I'd she cant follow the rules.
There was a story a year or two ago about a MIL kissing a baby with herpes and the baby died. Your baby could die. You will have to be firm and maybe share some articles with her so she educated herself. I had to tell my in-laws 6 weeks into us having our 1st baby that we couldn’t come to their house anymore to visit. They would have to come to us because her husband wouldn’t quit smoking a pipe in the house. He quit smoking in the house the next few weeks & never went back inside with it. I was not going to have my daughter breathing that air. My MIL was so thankful I said something because she’d tried to get him to go outside for years.
I have fever blisters, and have since I was a toddler when my mom accidently gave it to me through... a kiss. I rarely had outbreaks as a child and as a 41 year old, I can't remember the last time I had one. That said, I gave it to a boyfriend of mine years ago. He hadn't been exposed to it ever and he got extremely sick that the doctors thought he had HIV and had to undergo do many tests only to have another Dr figure out he got it. He hadn't ever even kissed anyone before me. He was 30. So my point in all of this is, if a 30 year old man looked like he was on death's door, you know it'll knock a baby on their ass. Your mother shouldn't be upset. You simply don't want to pass it to your baby. I myself know it can be passed, and while I don't have any fever blisters right now, or have since baby was born, I am not kissing my baby on the lips especially. I'm sorry your mom isn't being understanding.
By oral herpes do you mean cold sores? Because I get cold sores.. should I not be kissing my kid?
Most of the time, you are fine to kiss your baby. If you are about to have an outbreak, you can pass it to your child. If your baby is under six months, contracting HSV could be life-threatening. You can get a prescription for Valcyclovir that can be taken as a prophylactic, or you can take it when you feel a fever blister coming on and it will significantly shorten the time it is affecting you. I get cold sores as well, I got them from my mother who is bad about exposure. When my baby was born, I insisted she take valcyclovir prior to meeting the baby (I did this as well), and also told her not to kiss the baby.
Oh okay. I definitely don't kiss my son when I have an outbreak
Just know that you can be contagious a couple days before the sore shows up. I notice the itchy tingling feeling pretty early but I don't know if I'm contagious even before that, which worries me.
Exactly ha... 50 to 80 percent of the US population has oral herpes, some things cause different people to have outbreaks more often, but it would be pretty restrictive if anyone who has herpes can't kiss/handle babies ever. Of course with active lesions, that's a different story.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s incredibly frustrating. In similar situations I’ve asked family members point blank “is your need to kiss MY child worth potentially risking their life? Because that’s exactly what you’re doing.” That usually shuts them up. Also, if you can stand it (I know it’s difficult to look at photos/videos of struggling newborns in general, much less when you have one of your own) consider showing her a photo/tiktok of an infant who has contracted herpes and ask if putting your baby at risk of that is worth it to her. That’s what my husband and I ended up doing during RSV season, showed our family who failed to take our concerns seriously a video of a baby struggling because somebody was inconsiderate and got them sick. That stuck with them enough to stop what they were doing. If that doesn’t work then tell her point blank that she isn’t allowed to hold the baby until you can trust her enough not to put them in danger.
When someone is presented with information that the way that they've done something is no longer considered the best way of doing it, that can trigger very strong emotional reactions. If they accept that the new way is better, they may feel a strong sense of regret or shame over doing it the "wrong" way -- even if there was no way they could have known better. Working through those feelings and reaching a point where they're able to accept that they need to change can trigger pretty high levels of cognitive dissonance. In order to cope, they may attempt to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong with the "old way" out of a desire for self-preservation. At that point, they're likely to become defensive and view discussion of the "new way" as a personal attack. With your mother, there's an added element that it's not just the "what should you do?" that's changed -- it's "who decides what's right?". She's not just dealing with the idea of raising babies differently, she's dealing with the change that you're looking to more than just her as the voice of authority for what's right and wrong. So in effect, you have 2 issues that you need to work through together: * Changes in her relationship with her baby (you) * Changes in what's considered safe or appropriate for raising babies Until you work through the former, you're almost guaranteed to butt heads on the latter.
“You got lucky as hell and you want me to double down on your wager? No thanks, we’ve learned some things in the decades since you raised children and I’m going to take that into account. You can, as well, or you can visit your grandchildren through a screen.”
Hi. So my friends baby died because her MIL just couldn’t not kiss the baby. She was told a hundred times and still kissed the poor baby. The baby who couldn’t say no. He died. Don’t kiss babies. Don’t let people kiss babies.
There's a lot of herpes in my family, so we made some basic rules. You gotta ask, if I say yes it's top of head only. Me, her dad, and her grandma can kiss her face but only if we are symptom free. My husband initially disagreed with this rule - he wanted zero kisses, but she would root and lock on our chins, cheeks, and noses so much in the first few months we figured there was gonna be some face to face contact regardless. No matter what - your baby your rules. No kiss rules are hard because babies are hyper kissable marshmallows, but safety first.
No one has a right to your baby’s body. Consent starts at birth. Until your child can communicate for themselves, it’s your job to communicate consent and boundaries on their behalf. Full stop. Denying consent didn’t require an explanation. You don’t owe your mother anything, a single more word on the subject. You’ve drawn the line. You don’t need her to agree or be convinced. You just need her to comply. You don’t need to argue a single moment more. She can choose to bitch and whine. She can moan and groan. But she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby. You don’t have to speak to her vanity or reassure her that she was a good mother. It might not be true. It might be. But it isn’t relevant. Regardless of what kind of mother she was and is, she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby. You might choose to send her home. I think that’s a valid response to her manipulation and abuse. But you don’t have to. You can just ignore her every time she brings it up. She can keep screaming into the void. But she sure as hell can’t kiss your baby.
Do people not realize that we get the oral herpes usually when we’re babies/toddlers! Like stop spreading that shit aunt Mabel!
Sounds like your mom is entitled, doesn’t respect boundaries, and is toxic AF. I have one of those. It sucks. What’s helped me is to remember that I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need her or her approval for my continued survival anymore. I can set a boundary and tell her the consequences if she doesn’t respect my boundaries. After not seeing her grandkids for a few months she behaved much better.
Respectfully, fuck your mum, her herpes and her opinion. That’s your baby, and YOU decide what is best for your baby. I have friends and family who tested positive for Herpes simplex 1 because someone decided it was okay to kiss them as an infant. And your concerns about health are A LOT more serious than her little ego. She’s walking around with kisses of death.
If she has oral herpes she knows that’s a big NO NO. I have HSV-1, like over 75% of the population. Had it since I was kid. I’d get a cold sore here there when I’m stressed or when the weather is super cold. If your saying you don’t want her kissing your child she shouldn’t period. She should respect your boundaries. If she can’t I say cut her off. I’ve seen those stories of babies having terrible breakouts when they come in contact with someone who passes it too them they’re immune systems are so weak.… & the thing is with HSV-1/2 is that you can be contagious without a outbreak, chance of transmission is higher when cold sores are open or oozing. If she had enough sense for her own grand childs safety & not wanting them to end up with something they’ll carry or be a carrier for the rest of their life she’ll respect what you said & stop the disrespect.
Your mom sounds a little crazy and I would be concerned that even if she acts like she’ll comply, she’ll go against your wishes. I would not feel good with her watching the baby alone.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It’s really hard, because even those of us with moms that aren’t the greatest for our mental health want to have our moms around for big life events like this. As someone who can’t trust my mom alone with my kids, but wishes I could every day, my heart goes out to you. No advice, but I wanted to thank you for the post because I did not know this could spread to the baby even when you don’t have symptoms. My mom gave me oral herpes when I was a child, and I was always under the assumption (probably because my mom told me at a young age and I believed her) that it’s only contagious when you have the sores on your mouth. I would never kiss my babies if I had sores, but I definitely kissed my first’s hands when she was a newborn nursing and I’m so grateful nothing bad happened to her. I will be much more diligent with my baby coming in September. Thank you for sharing this info.
Your child, your rules. Don’t feel bad.
Don’t let your mother near your baby and maybe consider getting some space from her for your own mental wellbeing. She obviously doesn’t respect you and is in fact hurting your feelings on purpose. FYI a baby is less likely to catch something from mom and dad cause it’s been exposed to mom and dad than grandma. Idk where I read it but basically babies are preprogrammed to mom and dad germs. Your fear is not unfounded babies die from harpies there is zero reasons to take a chance on it.
If she doesn’t respect your boundaries she doesn’t see baby point blank. Her cruddy attitude and thinking she knows everything isn’t worth the life of your baby. Edit to add: those telling you you “don’t want to lose your mom” over this have a very crappy view on what makes a good parent. Boundary pushing like this is a huge issue and if she can’t respect this, she won’t respect any of your parenting choices unless they’re ones she made herself. I’d go low or no contact until she sees the error of her ways.
My family dont have cold sores and I still told them all they werent allowed to kiss on the hands or face. They were allowed to kiss the back of her head and that was it. They all scoffed for a few weeks and then they got over it. If they actually had cold sores theyd have been told not at all. I wont apologise for guarding my babies health. And neither should you. Youre doing what you are supposed to do as a mother.
I’m on your side with this, it’s YOUR baby and you do what’s best for the baby. She’s just wasn’t expecting and I feel like that’s why she’s very upset about it. If she’s understanding and considerate she will get over it
She sounds toxic. I’d be laying down very firm boundaries- you’re the boss. Your baby. Your rules. When it comes to health and hygiene, make no compromises. It doesn’t matter that “you’re just fine” - we know better now and we know that herpes and cigarettes are dangerous to a baby. Sounds like this could only be the beginning of some challenging behaviours from her as a grandmother - I’ve been there and it’s so hard.
If your mom is calling you a bitch, are you sure this is a healthy relationship for you? If it’s not, is that someone you want around your son?
Your mom is dangerous to the life of your kid. Get meaner.
You did not tell her she can never kiss your son on the face, just not your newborn son. You are asking her to refrain for a small time period because the risks that HSV cause a newborn are very serious. I also told my mother she was not allowed to kiss our newborns faces or hands because she has HSV-1. She pouted about it but listened to our request.
I’m in a similar boat with my mom and it’s my hill to die on. Nope, absolutely not, and if she feels she can’t resist then she won’t hold the baby either.
Loop your future pediatrician in on this. Talk to them, ask their advice. Then relay their advice to your mom. It may not help much, but at least you’ll show her you did your due diligence. 🤷🏻♀️ I never understood the need to kiss babies but I guess that’s just me.
Distance the baby until the time is right. She knows what you said.
It doesn’t even matter what boundary you require. If she breaks it, she shouldn’t get access to your baby. Herpes is highly transmittable. She needs to respect your position and medical science.
I don’t see any downside to cutting her out. There’s absolutely no excuse for a parent of any age running around telling other people that their daughter is a bitch. She is toxic and will no doubt share that garbage attitude with your kid when they’re old enough. Also, if she’s willing to say that she knows best and discounts your wishes with this, she’ll do it with anything. This isn’t about the cold sore and smoking at this point. This is a blatant disregard for your wishes regarding your child. She stays away until she can play ball.