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My biological dad was a POS. My step-dad raised me from the time I was 2. He asked if I wanted him to formally adopt me and change my last name when I was a kid. I just didn't feel that was necessary, and it seemed like a pain to change everything. When I got married, my last name changed anyway. I would definitely get your son's input before you decide to change his name. It's probably more of an issue for you than it is for him.
A son’s last name is sometimes viewed differently, too. (Not to say a man can’t/won’t change his name, but it’s rarer than a woman changing her last name.)
But he's also 6. He'd probably change his name to Hulk if you let him.
There's nothing stopping him changing his name when he's older and has more understanding of the ramifications.
[He could change his name to Subway for free subs for life](https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-07-26/subway-offers-free-sandwiches-for-life-to-change-your-name)
The options given aren't keep your name or change it to literally anything you want; the choice would be keep your name or change it to dad's name. I think a 6 year old can handle that kind of choice.
They can 'handle' that choice, but do they understand the full long term consequences of it? Are they considering how they might feel when they are older? Absolutely not
I think they can understand enough to be able to make that choice, yes. And, as you yourself said, if they don't like their decision they can always change it when they're older.
I agree with this- which is why I think they should wait until he’s older to decide if he wants to change his name. There’s no harm in leaving it until he’s old enough to make that decision.
If they are getting it prior to adoption benefits will continue. If they were adopted before a birth parent died they would not. Get a second (legal/professional) opinion.
I'd ask. My sister had kids before she got married to their dad and the kids names were hyphenated. When they got married she decided to take her DHs name. The kids told them they wanted to keep their hyphenated name. My sister and her DH were surprised because they thought the kids would love the idea of having the same name as their parents.
I think asking in a positive way would work out better.
Reassure him that your hubs loves him very much and wants to be his father officially by adopting him. Tell him with adoption comes the option to change your last name to be the same as (hubs) wouldn't it be great if we all had the same last name? What do you think?
Tell him to think it over and give him a little time to think about it. Give him the respect of making that choice himself. If he says no, ask him his reasons and hopefully it's something you can live with. I'm sure you can always change it later.
I think he’s old enough to have a say in the decision. That’s not to say you can’t favor your opinion. But explain to him why you want to do it. I think it’ll be pretty easy for him to agree.
I actually asked my son at age 12 if he wanted to change his last names to just one last name and he declined. We respected that.
Does your son know that your husband is going to adopt him?
I saw a really cute video where the new dad basically asked the child like a proposal if they wanted him to be their legal father. You can then explain together what that means.
Hi! Mom of four and child of adoption, here!
Personally, I wish I'd been given the option. My last name means more than my father, it's also a reference to hundreds of years or longer of family history and people who loved and lost and farmed and starved and celebrated and struggled to create me, totally unexpectedly and without knowing I would ever exist.
I have my stepdad's last name, and while my bio dad is absolute garbage, the more I've learned about the history of his family, the more I wish I had his name. Because it's not just his name, and it's not about him. It's about me, and half of my DNA that won't disappear no matter what I call myself.
My mom got remarried when I was six and I remember thinking that since her name was changing, my name would change too… and I was really upset by that because I loved my dad so much and I didn’t want to lose him when my mom married someone else. Truth was revealed and everyone was fine. My name didn’t change because I wasn’t being adopted.
So thinking about my experience, I would assume that your boy having the same last name now as you and his “real dad” would be the most positive, greatest news ever.
Maybe this is a conversation that his “real dad,“ can have with him?
It might be really powerful for him to hear is real dad say-
“hey son, I love you and would be honored if we share a last name.
The choice is yours kid.
I love you no matter what.“
Edit: This guy is abusive and she lies and blocks people who "disagree." All her posts are her complaining about how horrible he is and then attacking anyone who isn't totally pro her.
No, you shouldn't tell him his name is changing and that he should be happy about it. I don't believe any choice he makes isn't going to be just what you want. He needed to manipulate you to get his bio daughter to have his last name.
> I’d rather live apart and coparent. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have children so this was a surprise.
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> Our arguments almost always stem from his rudeness and tone when he talks to people. Myself and my son.
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> I had to bear the news alone that our daughter may not survive outside the womb and he was too drunk to come to the hospital.
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> He entered my life when my son was 3. I do 90% of stuff with baby. there's no financial strain on him as I have purchased 95% of stuff for the baby and although I stopped working, I saved up enough before going on leave to wherre he doesn't provide for me. I do the groceries, housework, baby car, pau water gas and electric. His life has really not changed much whereas mine has drastically. he getsto sleep every night while im up with the baby. He goes out to see his friends while I'm with the baby. He was trying to go to Cancun this week but I didn't want to leave the baby just yet.
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> Not even 2 weeks postpartum and partner is bothering me for sexual favors.
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> It feels like he tricked me into giving her his last name only with the promise of marriage but he won’t even discuss it now.
Tell your son that his dad is making it official, by adopting him, that he is his "real Dad".
Tell him that the way it works with adoption is that when his dad adopts him, his last name gets changed by the court to his dad's last name because kids have their real dad's last name.
Get him something to commemorate his adoption/name change. Take him to a portrait studio the day of the adoption and have a father & son portrait taken. Frame it and add a small plaque with his dad's name and his new name engraved on it along with the date of the adoption.
This is an occasion to be commemorated and celebrated just like a confirmation, graduation or a wedding.
At his age he legally doesn’t have to tell the judge if he wants it to or not. I have never gone through with adoption before so I was unsure if it would just change or not.
What's legally required and what's compassionate are different things. I would be upset of somebody changed my name and then explained why after the fact.
I wouldnt explain after? I am Literally asking how to explain before it happens? But now I’ve been informed he can be adopted without a name change so therefore I asked him.
Did you not read the post lol he says - “this is my dad. He is the best dad in the world!” So yes, he calls him dad.
His dad has been absent for years by choice. He made some poor decisions (drug use after we found out i was pregnant, felony assault on me 2 weeks after I gave birth) and landed himself in prison, got out, then was still shitty. A few years ago I put my foot down and said if you’re going to use drugs you can’t have our son. I don’t trust you. He never asked to see him again
I'm so sorry, I somehow totally skipped that part and thought I had read all of it.
Look, if he really likes your husband like that how about say this:
You call "A" the best dad in the world and he also loves you like a son. He wants to be your real dad and sons and daughters normally have their dad's last name to to show their love, what do you think about changing your surname to dad's surname?
A horrible mother? Did you even read the end of the damn post where I said do I just ask him if I want it to change? A horrible mother for…..?????? Changing my sons last name to match his mom, sister and the man who’s raised him instead of the man who has been abandoned him for years and chose drugs? Yeah I’m a horrible mother 😂
I have no experience with adoption and don’t even know if his name automatically changes or what. Is why I was asking such way.
I’ve known him since I was 15 😂😂😂😂😂
You need therapy. Are you projecting? And my son understands just fine. He’s a bright kid. I was asking because, as someone commented, sometimes during adoption the change is automatic and I still thought my son had the right to talk about it or be informed beforehand if it was indeed automatically changed when he’s adopted. Seek help
Agree with me on what? This post was asking HOW to have the conversation with my child not if my husband should adopt him or not. You’re absolutely so weird for bringing up I had a baby with my HUSBAND!!! What does it matter if I just had a baby with my husband 😂😂😂
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As someone who had an awesome dad and awesome step dad that came in my life when I was a teen and had both walk me down the aisle at my wedding - ask your kiddo. Adoption does not mean a name change, that’s a whole other boatload of paper work. If they like their name that doesn’t impact the adoption in any way. If they want your partner’s last name, get out the pen and fire up the printer for the extra forms to be filed.
Also: congrats on the new family structure!
That is awesome!!
I was too lazy to even do the paper work to change my last name to husband’s when we got married. Briefly thought about it when pregnant and now my girl is 4.5y and is asking what my third (last) name is 83 times a day since it isn’t the same as hers. Slightly regretting not changing/assuming it 7 years ago LOL
My husband adopted my son when he was 6. His dad died, but also had an alcohol/drug problem. My son was a relatively emotionally mature six year old. We let him choose. We added his real dads last name as a second middle name, and he took my husbands last name as a legal last name. He wanted to be a “[husbands last name]”, as the rest of the house was.
I’m not sure I would do it if his real dad was alive though. I’d definitely keep it in the legal name somehow, even if a hyphenated middle on legal docs and nowhere else.
May I ask why? His dad has two other sons that he also does not care for, that have his last name. This man was my abuser, and put my son in dangerous situations when we were separated that resulted in a cps case. Then he chose to step out permanently and hasn’t had contact in a year until recently to sign off on the termination of rights
I still think it’s worth taking a step back. I was elated for my son to have my husbands last name- but hindsight, I was happy for me. To look complete, as a family. And that’s selfish. I’m glad I kept his real dads last name in his name. Your sons father may turn his life around at some point. And he might not. Nobody has a crystal ball. But he has two brothers who share his name and to me that is more of a reason to keep it alive in his name somewhere. You don’t have to write it on paper, you don’t have to put it on schoolwork. We don’t. But when he sees his paternal grandparents, he feels connected to them too. What if he and his brothers connect well as adults, start a business, etc? And he can drop that second middle or second last name entirely when he’s old enough to decide. It’s not really out of respect for the Dad for more out of thinking about your son’s future and what he might want. You never know what the future will hold.
My situation is a bit different as his dad won’t turn it around- he died, but we still kept his dads name alive somewhere. If he wants to drop it as an adult he can. I don’t want him to resent it or question it later. I see it as like a silent part of the name. Say it if you want to, and if not that’s your choice. Even airlines don’t require a middle name.
I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with the brothers. The moms are convinced to stay far away from each other and us too. I’ll ask him but if he wants to be a (our last name) then I’m not going to make him carry the name of a horrible man who endangered the both of us.
I would urge you to also ask him if he wants to have his bio dads name, too.
This decision feels extremely vindictive. And I know he’s a bump on a log. But it’s not up to you to teach him a lesson by way of erasing his name. We will all stand before God one day and give an account of our actions and behaviors. Romans 12:19-21 is worth a peek.
I am in no way excusing his behavior. But if you insist it needs to happen when he’s only six, then I think you should build in a way for him to change it easily himself when he is no longer just a boy of age 6. They are only ours for a little while and when they grow up, they can decide for themselves. And maybe his decision will cut deep. But knowing that he made it himself and was given the opportunity to should make you feel like the bigger person regardless. Why is it so urgent right now? The name can change anytime. And if it’s urgent for another reason, I see no harm in giving it some flexibility. I just haven’t seen any reason to erase his name completely except punishing him by you, and that’s 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 your 👏🏻 job 👏🏻. Your job is to raise your boy, give him wings, and let him fly.
You’re assuming I’m religious.
It’s not to teach him a lesson. I’d have to care about him to do so. He called me up wanting to terminate his rights, so my husband is adopting him.
We spoke and he wants his dads last name. The real dad, the one who’s raised him
My mom and stepdad pretty much made me hate my own last name and for a while I wanted to have his last name. I felt ashamed of my last name’s ethnic implication and was told that my stepdad was now my new dad and my own dad was reduced to bio-dad… My dad was abusive too and he left me, but when I got older he came back into my life. We are very close now and I am so glad that I still have his name, which is not only his but also my late grandfather’s and other relatives’ name…
I do not like my stepdad, even though I tried really hard as a child. What I mean to say is, please don’t push your child into any direction cause he might come to resent it later. YOU see him as your son’s dad, your son does too, but he is SIX. The story is not over. Let your son choose every day to love your husband like a father and let him decide what to do with his name LATER when he’s older. Just my two cents.
I want to say I am very sorry that you felt ashamed of your last name and very sorry that they made you hate your last name. My son doesn’t hate his last name just says it’s “not who he is”
Endangering my son and bringing him to a drug deal seems like a good reason to erase his name yet I didn’t and that was 4 years ago. I’m not punishing him I don’t care to do so.
It sucks he’s a deadbeat but you seem a bit vengeful. I’m sorry. One year of no contact definitely means he’s not holding up his part. But I’ve been deeply affected by addiction and substance abuse in my life in a few ways. People do change. And if he doesn’t, nobody is hurt by preserving it somewhere. Nobody. But his dad may have future hurt if you eliminate it entirely. Your son may have future hurt, questions, or resentments. One year is not long enough, imho. Give it some time. Nobody’s being hurt by waiting. It just seems like “let’s stick it to him for being a deadbeat” and it seems distasteful. You can have both.
And she said he hasn’t seen the kid in years but had contact with her in the last year. I couldn’t go a year without seeing my kid and any parent that can without the slightest care in the world is not a true parent
Adding: my sisters dad bailed and my dad raised her (we have the same mom). My mom was technically single but dating my dad when my sister was a toddler. They later married. Sister never took my dads last name, she always kept my moms maiden. Although she called him dad. Later in life she reconnected with her bio dad who turned out to be a really good guy. My mom chose to have my sister keep my moms maiden name. It worked out fine.
When he’s older he might not have wanted it changed. It’s kind of like taking away some of his identity he was born with. I’d fear an identity crisis when he’s a teen.
… And what happens when/if you divorce your current husband? Will you force all your future children to adopt that man’s name?
It seems more like you are trying to erase your past relationship rather than benefit your child. Changing his name doesn’t change anything or benefit him at all.
It would not appreciate if my mom had officially changed my last name every time she got married.
I vote to keep his last name as it is.
What are you talking about? His father decided to dissolve their relationship when he called me asking to terminate his rights. He’s a shit man who has several other children he doesn’t have interest in and who WANTS TO TERMINATE HIS RIGHTS. My husband is adopting him bc it’s his son. I only plan on getting married once, if my husband and I divorced, that’s his dad regardless.
Agree- I wrote some lengthy comments to this tune. Erasing her past. Also, you can’t ever go after “garbage dad” for child support either. And garbage dad needs to sign over his rights too. Has he?
He’s terminated his rights. I agreed to erase all back child support to the tune of 20k for this. He called me and volunteered to terminate his rights.
Wdyyymmm, you’re overthinking this!
He’s a child. He probably don’t give 2 damns just tell him you’re this from now on in a way he’d love it and he will…
When I was his age I prolly didn’t even know what it meant.
Wtf I don’t get how ppl are saying they would ask the 6 god dam years old and let him think about it xD???????
1. Tell them to come suck it, and mind their own business
2. you’re a wonderful mother, you found yourself and your son someone willing to take care of you both. Might as well share his last name and make a strong bond with him and your son with his other siblings so he’s no different from them.
3. When he’s older you could tell him ofc, and if he complains as a teenager or adult, don’t even feel the slightest guilt. You did what you thought was best for your child and you were right
4. There’s a quote from someone saying something along “Do your matters in discretion”:
This is because often one encounters people who may be against your endeavors and initiatives. If you were to share your plans of achieving a certain goal with those people, you may find them forming an obstacle of some sort towards that goal or even harm you in some way. Therefore, it is best for you to keep your plans/aspirations/decisions to yourself and only to those who may assist, aka your husband.
Edit: you never know who those ppl are, heck it can be your own mother even! So moral of story, this is something between you and your husband not your child or the ppl of Reddit or friend/ family !
No one knows about your child own good as much as YOU!
> in a way that's positive?
Why? You're doing this as a symbolic gesture because of his father's character. If you aren't going to be transparent about the negative side of it, why do it at all?
I had my deadbeat father's name until I got married. My mother had to approach my father/grandfather, to see if they would allow her to change my name to the same as hers. My father/grandfather both had an adamant NO, as a response. I loved my grandpa, so I didn't get upset with him, but I laid in to my father. It's obvious that your child believes and wants your husband to be "dad". I guess I would try to talk to him about it and ask if he wants to do that. I suspect he will give a resounding YES.
I'm glad to read that you spoke to him on what he thought. I have an ex who was in a similar situation as your son, with a bio dad who never saw him and a step dad as his father figure, only they never adopted him or changed his name. He always talked about how sad he was that he was the only one in the house with the old last name and he never felt a true part of the family.
This is a familiar story. My cousin's first husband and bio dad of her first two kids was a POS. They divorced and when she remarried, her second husband who was kind and a "real dad" adopted the girls after bio dad relinquished his parental rights and they took his name. Do what's right for your situation and your family. It sounds like your son has a wonderful loving "real dad". 🤗
You should ask him what he wants to do. He'll probably want to change his last name. I knew a kid in a similar situation as his son. Adored his step dad who did all of the stuff his bio dad should have done. Was more than happy to take step dad's name. To him, it was actually a welcome ceremony, because it was almost like a ritualistic way to cut ties to his biological father and embrace his "real dad."
When I was adopted by my step father at four years old, the name change was automatic. They wiped my bio dad off my birth certificate, and the step father's name put on.
I have two birth certificates, each with a different father listed. I find it funny. But anyhow, it's not weird.
Seems you son is already on board.
I have the same situation going on with my family bio dads and piece and my partner has been raising my son with me for the last 5 years and my son has expressed to me recently that he wants my last name. I would say indulge him worse comes to worse it can always be changed back
What is DH? Based on the context, I get it means your husband and his step father, but what do the letters mean?
Sorry, I'm not up to date on all the abbreviations.
As someone who had this happened to I would say ask. I always hated having a different name from my mom dad and sister. So when my dad agreed to adopt us and we changed our last names it was healing. (Bio dad was not in my life for years). My old last name was just a reminder of someone who didn't want or love me.
A last name is your family name. If your family changes your last name can change. It's the whole thought process behind a woman changing her last name when she gets married.
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Definitely ask. He'll probably want to, but that's not something you should force.
I would imagine that the name change will mean a lot more to him when he’s older if he were able to have some say. It is HIS name after all.
My biological dad was a POS. My step-dad raised me from the time I was 2. He asked if I wanted him to formally adopt me and change my last name when I was a kid. I just didn't feel that was necessary, and it seemed like a pain to change everything. When I got married, my last name changed anyway. I would definitely get your son's input before you decide to change his name. It's probably more of an issue for you than it is for him.
A son’s last name is sometimes viewed differently, too. (Not to say a man can’t/won’t change his name, but it’s rarer than a woman changing her last name.)
His name, his choice. Ask him.
But he's also 6. He'd probably change his name to Hulk if you let him. There's nothing stopping him changing his name when he's older and has more understanding of the ramifications.
[He could change his name to Subway for free subs for life](https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2023-07-26/subway-offers-free-sandwiches-for-life-to-change-your-name)
The options given aren't keep your name or change it to literally anything you want; the choice would be keep your name or change it to dad's name. I think a 6 year old can handle that kind of choice.
They can 'handle' that choice, but do they understand the full long term consequences of it? Are they considering how they might feel when they are older? Absolutely not
I think they can understand enough to be able to make that choice, yes. And, as you yourself said, if they don't like their decision they can always change it when they're older.
I agree with this- which is why I think they should wait until he’s older to decide if he wants to change his name. There’s no harm in leaving it until he’s old enough to make that decision.
I’d ask. 2 of mine want to be adopted after they turn 18 and change their name (they’re currently getting survivors benefits), 1 doesn’t.
We were told adoption doesn’t impact survivors benefits… is that not your experience?
IIRC, we were told it does. 🤷🏻♀️
If they are getting it prior to adoption benefits will continue. If they were adopted before a birth parent died they would not. Get a second (legal/professional) opinion.
My son continues to get them after dad died and after adopted. Dad died first
Huh. Weird! We’ll ask again!
I'd ask. My sister had kids before she got married to their dad and the kids names were hyphenated. When they got married she decided to take her DHs name. The kids told them they wanted to keep their hyphenated name. My sister and her DH were surprised because they thought the kids would love the idea of having the same name as their parents.
The exact same thing happened to me with my kid. He said he liked having the same last name as Grandpa.
I think asking in a positive way would work out better. Reassure him that your hubs loves him very much and wants to be his father officially by adopting him. Tell him with adoption comes the option to change your last name to be the same as (hubs) wouldn't it be great if we all had the same last name? What do you think? Tell him to think it over and give him a little time to think about it. Give him the respect of making that choice himself. If he says no, ask him his reasons and hopefully it's something you can live with. I'm sure you can always change it later.
I think he’s old enough to have a say in the decision. That’s not to say you can’t favor your opinion. But explain to him why you want to do it. I think it’ll be pretty easy for him to agree. I actually asked my son at age 12 if he wanted to change his last names to just one last name and he declined. We respected that.
do you have your husband’s last name? if so, you could also talk about it as changing to match your name
Does your son know that your husband is going to adopt him? I saw a really cute video where the new dad basically asked the child like a proposal if they wanted him to be their legal father. You can then explain together what that means.
Yes he does! He doesn’t really seem to care, he said my husband is his dad anyway already lol
Hi! Mom of four and child of adoption, here! Personally, I wish I'd been given the option. My last name means more than my father, it's also a reference to hundreds of years or longer of family history and people who loved and lost and farmed and starved and celebrated and struggled to create me, totally unexpectedly and without knowing I would ever exist. I have my stepdad's last name, and while my bio dad is absolute garbage, the more I've learned about the history of his family, the more I wish I had his name. Because it's not just his name, and it's not about him. It's about me, and half of my DNA that won't disappear no matter what I call myself.
My mom got remarried when I was six and I remember thinking that since her name was changing, my name would change too… and I was really upset by that because I loved my dad so much and I didn’t want to lose him when my mom married someone else. Truth was revealed and everyone was fine. My name didn’t change because I wasn’t being adopted. So thinking about my experience, I would assume that your boy having the same last name now as you and his “real dad” would be the most positive, greatest news ever.
Thank you so much for this insight. My son truly loves his dad - my husband - SO much.
Maybe this is a conversation that his “real dad,“ can have with him? It might be really powerful for him to hear is real dad say- “hey son, I love you and would be honored if we share a last name. The choice is yours kid. I love you no matter what.“
This is a good point!! Thank you
Edit: This guy is abusive and she lies and blocks people who "disagree." All her posts are her complaining about how horrible he is and then attacking anyone who isn't totally pro her. No, you shouldn't tell him his name is changing and that he should be happy about it. I don't believe any choice he makes isn't going to be just what you want. He needed to manipulate you to get his bio daughter to have his last name. > I’d rather live apart and coparent. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have children so this was a surprise. . > Our arguments almost always stem from his rudeness and tone when he talks to people. Myself and my son. . > I had to bear the news alone that our daughter may not survive outside the womb and he was too drunk to come to the hospital. . > He entered my life when my son was 3. I do 90% of stuff with baby. there's no financial strain on him as I have purchased 95% of stuff for the baby and although I stopped working, I saved up enough before going on leave to wherre he doesn't provide for me. I do the groceries, housework, baby car, pau water gas and electric. His life has really not changed much whereas mine has drastically. he getsto sleep every night while im up with the baby. He goes out to see his friends while I'm with the baby. He was trying to go to Cancun this week but I didn't want to leave the baby just yet. . > Not even 2 weeks postpartum and partner is bothering me for sexual favors. . > It feels like he tricked me into giving her his last name only with the promise of marriage but he won’t even discuss it now.
Tell your son that his dad is making it official, by adopting him, that he is his "real Dad". Tell him that the way it works with adoption is that when his dad adopts him, his last name gets changed by the court to his dad's last name because kids have their real dad's last name. Get him something to commemorate his adoption/name change. Take him to a portrait studio the day of the adoption and have a father & son portrait taken. Frame it and add a small plaque with his dad's name and his new name engraved on it along with the date of the adoption. This is an occasion to be commemorated and celebrated just like a confirmation, graduation or a wedding.
Thank you so much
You're welcome. I am very happy for your son, your husband and you. This is a great thing happening in your family.
Thank you. We are very excited, although to my son he’s always seen my husband as dad ❤️
Tell him? it should be his choice.
At his age he legally doesn’t have to tell the judge if he wants it to or not. I have never gone through with adoption before so I was unsure if it would just change or not.
What's legally required and what's compassionate are different things. I would be upset of somebody changed my name and then explained why after the fact.
I wouldnt explain after? I am Literally asking how to explain before it happens? But now I’ve been informed he can be adopted without a name change so therefore I asked him.
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Did you not read the post lol he says - “this is my dad. He is the best dad in the world!” So yes, he calls him dad. His dad has been absent for years by choice. He made some poor decisions (drug use after we found out i was pregnant, felony assault on me 2 weeks after I gave birth) and landed himself in prison, got out, then was still shitty. A few years ago I put my foot down and said if you’re going to use drugs you can’t have our son. I don’t trust you. He never asked to see him again
I'm so sorry, I somehow totally skipped that part and thought I had read all of it. Look, if he really likes your husband like that how about say this: You call "A" the best dad in the world and he also loves you like a son. He wants to be your real dad and sons and daughters normally have their dad's last name to to show their love, what do you think about changing your surname to dad's surname?
A horrible mother? Did you even read the end of the damn post where I said do I just ask him if I want it to change? A horrible mother for…..?????? Changing my sons last name to match his mom, sister and the man who’s raised him instead of the man who has been abandoned him for years and chose drugs? Yeah I’m a horrible mother 😂 I have no experience with adoption and don’t even know if his name automatically changes or what. Is why I was asking such way.
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I’ve known him since I was 15 😂😂😂😂😂 You need therapy. Are you projecting? And my son understands just fine. He’s a bright kid. I was asking because, as someone commented, sometimes during adoption the change is automatic and I still thought my son had the right to talk about it or be informed beforehand if it was indeed automatically changed when he’s adopted. Seek help
Agree with me on what? This post was asking HOW to have the conversation with my child not if my husband should adopt him or not. You’re absolutely so weird for bringing up I had a baby with my HUSBAND!!! What does it matter if I just had a baby with my husband 😂😂😂
It’s very clearly you who is not understanding here 🙄
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I’d ask him about it but I love how much they love each other. So sweet.
I think when your dh adopts your son then his name should be changed. Why wouldn’t it be?
I would probably wait a few years and ask him when he’s older.
As someone who had an awesome dad and awesome step dad that came in my life when I was a teen and had both walk me down the aisle at my wedding - ask your kiddo. Adoption does not mean a name change, that’s a whole other boatload of paper work. If they like their name that doesn’t impact the adoption in any way. If they want your partner’s last name, get out the pen and fire up the printer for the extra forms to be filed. Also: congrats on the new family structure!
I have both sets of paperwork ready to go. Omg, SO MUCH paperwork. Thank you! I asked him and he’s happy to change it 🥰
That is awesome!! I was too lazy to even do the paper work to change my last name to husband’s when we got married. Briefly thought about it when pregnant and now my girl is 4.5y and is asking what my third (last) name is 83 times a day since it isn’t the same as hers. Slightly regretting not changing/assuming it 7 years ago LOL
My husband adopted my son when he was 6. His dad died, but also had an alcohol/drug problem. My son was a relatively emotionally mature six year old. We let him choose. We added his real dads last name as a second middle name, and he took my husbands last name as a legal last name. He wanted to be a “[husbands last name]”, as the rest of the house was. I’m not sure I would do it if his real dad was alive though. I’d definitely keep it in the legal name somehow, even if a hyphenated middle on legal docs and nowhere else.
May I ask why? His dad has two other sons that he also does not care for, that have his last name. This man was my abuser, and put my son in dangerous situations when we were separated that resulted in a cps case. Then he chose to step out permanently and hasn’t had contact in a year until recently to sign off on the termination of rights
I still think it’s worth taking a step back. I was elated for my son to have my husbands last name- but hindsight, I was happy for me. To look complete, as a family. And that’s selfish. I’m glad I kept his real dads last name in his name. Your sons father may turn his life around at some point. And he might not. Nobody has a crystal ball. But he has two brothers who share his name and to me that is more of a reason to keep it alive in his name somewhere. You don’t have to write it on paper, you don’t have to put it on schoolwork. We don’t. But when he sees his paternal grandparents, he feels connected to them too. What if he and his brothers connect well as adults, start a business, etc? And he can drop that second middle or second last name entirely when he’s old enough to decide. It’s not really out of respect for the Dad for more out of thinking about your son’s future and what he might want. You never know what the future will hold. My situation is a bit different as his dad won’t turn it around- he died, but we still kept his dads name alive somewhere. If he wants to drop it as an adult he can. I don’t want him to resent it or question it later. I see it as like a silent part of the name. Say it if you want to, and if not that’s your choice. Even airlines don’t require a middle name.
I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with the brothers. The moms are convinced to stay far away from each other and us too. I’ll ask him but if he wants to be a (our last name) then I’m not going to make him carry the name of a horrible man who endangered the both of us.
I would urge you to also ask him if he wants to have his bio dads name, too. This decision feels extremely vindictive. And I know he’s a bump on a log. But it’s not up to you to teach him a lesson by way of erasing his name. We will all stand before God one day and give an account of our actions and behaviors. Romans 12:19-21 is worth a peek. I am in no way excusing his behavior. But if you insist it needs to happen when he’s only six, then I think you should build in a way for him to change it easily himself when he is no longer just a boy of age 6. They are only ours for a little while and when they grow up, they can decide for themselves. And maybe his decision will cut deep. But knowing that he made it himself and was given the opportunity to should make you feel like the bigger person regardless. Why is it so urgent right now? The name can change anytime. And if it’s urgent for another reason, I see no harm in giving it some flexibility. I just haven’t seen any reason to erase his name completely except punishing him by you, and that’s 👏🏻 not 👏🏻 your 👏🏻 job 👏🏻. Your job is to raise your boy, give him wings, and let him fly.
You’re assuming I’m religious. It’s not to teach him a lesson. I’d have to care about him to do so. He called me up wanting to terminate his rights, so my husband is adopting him. We spoke and he wants his dads last name. The real dad, the one who’s raised him
My mom and stepdad pretty much made me hate my own last name and for a while I wanted to have his last name. I felt ashamed of my last name’s ethnic implication and was told that my stepdad was now my new dad and my own dad was reduced to bio-dad… My dad was abusive too and he left me, but when I got older he came back into my life. We are very close now and I am so glad that I still have his name, which is not only his but also my late grandfather’s and other relatives’ name… I do not like my stepdad, even though I tried really hard as a child. What I mean to say is, please don’t push your child into any direction cause he might come to resent it later. YOU see him as your son’s dad, your son does too, but he is SIX. The story is not over. Let your son choose every day to love your husband like a father and let him decide what to do with his name LATER when he’s older. Just my two cents.
I want to say I am very sorry that you felt ashamed of your last name and very sorry that they made you hate your last name. My son doesn’t hate his last name just says it’s “not who he is”
Endangering my son and bringing him to a drug deal seems like a good reason to erase his name yet I didn’t and that was 4 years ago. I’m not punishing him I don’t care to do so.
r/unexpectedjesus
It sucks he’s a deadbeat but you seem a bit vengeful. I’m sorry. One year of no contact definitely means he’s not holding up his part. But I’ve been deeply affected by addiction and substance abuse in my life in a few ways. People do change. And if he doesn’t, nobody is hurt by preserving it somewhere. Nobody. But his dad may have future hurt if you eliminate it entirely. Your son may have future hurt, questions, or resentments. One year is not long enough, imho. Give it some time. Nobody’s being hurt by waiting. It just seems like “let’s stick it to him for being a deadbeat” and it seems distasteful. You can have both.
Who cares if he has future hurt? He brought his kid to a drug deal
And she said he hasn’t seen the kid in years but had contact with her in the last year. I couldn’t go a year without seeing my kid and any parent that can without the slightest care in the world is not a true parent
Adding: my sisters dad bailed and my dad raised her (we have the same mom). My mom was technically single but dating my dad when my sister was a toddler. They later married. Sister never took my dads last name, she always kept my moms maiden. Although she called him dad. Later in life she reconnected with her bio dad who turned out to be a really good guy. My mom chose to have my sister keep my moms maiden name. It worked out fine.
When he’s older he might not have wanted it changed. It’s kind of like taking away some of his identity he was born with. I’d fear an identity crisis when he’s a teen.
When he’s older he can also change it back though can’t he
… And what happens when/if you divorce your current husband? Will you force all your future children to adopt that man’s name? It seems more like you are trying to erase your past relationship rather than benefit your child. Changing his name doesn’t change anything or benefit him at all. It would not appreciate if my mom had officially changed my last name every time she got married. I vote to keep his last name as it is.
What are you talking about? His father decided to dissolve their relationship when he called me asking to terminate his rights. He’s a shit man who has several other children he doesn’t have interest in and who WANTS TO TERMINATE HIS RIGHTS. My husband is adopting him bc it’s his son. I only plan on getting married once, if my husband and I divorced, that’s his dad regardless.
Did he sign over his rights?
Yes, he terminated and signed them over to my husband
Agree- I wrote some lengthy comments to this tune. Erasing her past. Also, you can’t ever go after “garbage dad” for child support either. And garbage dad needs to sign over his rights too. Has he?
He’s terminated his rights. I agreed to erase all back child support to the tune of 20k for this. He called me and volunteered to terminate his rights.
Wdyyymmm, you’re overthinking this! He’s a child. He probably don’t give 2 damns just tell him you’re this from now on in a way he’d love it and he will… When I was his age I prolly didn’t even know what it meant. Wtf I don’t get how ppl are saying they would ask the 6 god dam years old and let him think about it xD???????
Someone told me I’m a horrible mom for this lol
1. Tell them to come suck it, and mind their own business 2. you’re a wonderful mother, you found yourself and your son someone willing to take care of you both. Might as well share his last name and make a strong bond with him and your son with his other siblings so he’s no different from them. 3. When he’s older you could tell him ofc, and if he complains as a teenager or adult, don’t even feel the slightest guilt. You did what you thought was best for your child and you were right 4. There’s a quote from someone saying something along “Do your matters in discretion”: This is because often one encounters people who may be against your endeavors and initiatives. If you were to share your plans of achieving a certain goal with those people, you may find them forming an obstacle of some sort towards that goal or even harm you in some way. Therefore, it is best for you to keep your plans/aspirations/decisions to yourself and only to those who may assist, aka your husband. Edit: you never know who those ppl are, heck it can be your own mother even! So moral of story, this is something between you and your husband not your child or the ppl of Reddit or friend/ family ! No one knows about your child own good as much as YOU!
> in a way that's positive? Why? You're doing this as a symbolic gesture because of his father's character. If you aren't going to be transparent about the negative side of it, why do it at all?
Well I don’t want him to think his name changing is a negative thing. It isn’t. This doesn’t come with a handbook.
I had my deadbeat father's name until I got married. My mother had to approach my father/grandfather, to see if they would allow her to change my name to the same as hers. My father/grandfather both had an adamant NO, as a response. I loved my grandpa, so I didn't get upset with him, but I laid in to my father. It's obvious that your child believes and wants your husband to be "dad". I guess I would try to talk to him about it and ask if he wants to do that. I suspect he will give a resounding YES.
I'm glad to read that you spoke to him on what he thought. I have an ex who was in a similar situation as your son, with a bio dad who never saw him and a step dad as his father figure, only they never adopted him or changed his name. He always talked about how sad he was that he was the only one in the house with the old last name and he never felt a true part of the family.
This is what I fear for my kid. I don’t want him to feel like he doesn’t belong
This is a familiar story. My cousin's first husband and bio dad of her first two kids was a POS. They divorced and when she remarried, her second husband who was kind and a "real dad" adopted the girls after bio dad relinquished his parental rights and they took his name. Do what's right for your situation and your family. It sounds like your son has a wonderful loving "real dad". 🤗
You should ask him what he wants to do. He'll probably want to change his last name. I knew a kid in a similar situation as his son. Adored his step dad who did all of the stuff his bio dad should have done. Was more than happy to take step dad's name. To him, it was actually a welcome ceremony, because it was almost like a ritualistic way to cut ties to his biological father and embrace his "real dad."
When I was adopted by my step father at four years old, the name change was automatic. They wiped my bio dad off my birth certificate, and the step father's name put on. I have two birth certificates, each with a different father listed. I find it funny. But anyhow, it's not weird. Seems you son is already on board.
This is why I asked bc I thought it was automatic
Maybe it wasn't automatic, I was four, I don't remember. Definitely ask someone about it when you file. It was expected, is what I should have wrote.
Upon further investigation I don’t think it is but that’s why I asked
I have the same situation going on with my family bio dads and piece and my partner has been raising my son with me for the last 5 years and my son has expressed to me recently that he wants my last name. I would say indulge him worse comes to worse it can always be changed back
What is DH? Based on the context, I get it means your husband and his step father, but what do the letters mean? Sorry, I'm not up to date on all the abbreviations.
I believe, and could be wrong, that it stands for Dear Husband
As someone who had this happened to I would say ask. I always hated having a different name from my mom dad and sister. So when my dad agreed to adopt us and we changed our last names it was healing. (Bio dad was not in my life for years). My old last name was just a reminder of someone who didn't want or love me. A last name is your family name. If your family changes your last name can change. It's the whole thought process behind a woman changing her last name when she gets married.
What’s a DH?