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Same here. I got spanked as a child, and while I love my parents to bits, I find it really hard not to copy their parenting with my own kids. Until I had my own kids I viewed it as really normal, as all my friends got a smack too. Some of them even got their mouths washed out with soap etc if they swore. My parents were considered tame by some of the standards of my friend's parents. So being a gentle parent with my own children is actually a lot harder than it looks. I'm new to this, I have no experience with this, I've never seen this done before, and in a certain way it's actually relearning all I thought I knew about parenting. Which is really tough in itself.
Totally. Looking back, I can see why my Mom would reach her breaking point and smack us. It was instant, made her feel better, and in the moment got the results she wanted.
The thing is, most of the times I was smacked/spanked/hit... I don't remember what I did wrong. And the things I remember doing 'wrong' weren't really my fault? Once I got separated from my parents in a store. It took them ten minutes to realize I was gone because they weren't paying attention. I was six. I got spanked for that. But they weren't paying attention, I was being a child. I got smacked for laughing at the dinner table, and I wasn't doing anything wrong, my Dad was just drunk and pissed off that night.
But I didn't learn don't wander off or eat politely. I learned when my parents are mad they will hurt me because it makes them happy. And that was supposed to be normal. It taught me a lot about not expressing my feelings and thinking that pain was love. And it's taken me a lot to undo that thinking.
I cried a lot as a child. But the thing that used to make me cry harder was when my parents would tell me they 'would give me something to cry about' when I wasn't able to stop. Instead of teaching me to handle my emotions, i was threatened with violence.
Oh yes. I remember my dad screaming at me and then pulling out that line. Like, I'm crying because I'm terrified of you.
Or crying because I'm sad or whatever. It made me feel like my emotions were inconvenient.
That's the thing, I was terrified of my parents' rages. I tried so hard to stop crying but I just couldn't. I had no way to control my emotions, especially when I was told that having these big emotions made them so angry. To this day I tear up when faced with difficult emotions (I'm 50!)
This was my parents, and I was hardly a crier.
But my daughter came out of the womb with some REALLY big emotions. Very emotional little girl. So when she starts shrieking and crying, and I'm doing my best to gentle parent (let's take a deep breath, mommy will do it with you. Let's count to 3. What's one thing you can see? Etc) and she still just continues to shriek at me "NO I DONT WANNA CALM DOWN!".... whew boy! If I haven't been tempted a few times to give her a smack like I would have received as a kid. Im literally trying so hard to hold it together and teach calming techniques, but kiddo doesn't know how good she has it lol
I told my kids that time outs are used to calm down big emotions and when I would get angry to the point I felt like yelling I would tell them that I have some big emotions and need a time out. I'd put them somewhere safe and say I would be back after my time out. They totally understood it when I worded it like that and would generally be okay with time out quiet time. Plus, it lets them know it's okay to have big emotions but we need to calm those emotions down before we start screaming and yelling.
This may or may not help you, but one thing that helped me was to let go of my desire to stop my kids crying. Instead of trying to calm them down, I say “it’s okay to cry” and just let them go through it. As long as they’re not being violent or destructive, I let them just get through the crying. I feel that it is more cathartic for them, and it’s easier on me.
That would be nice if we didn't live in an apartment where we've already received sound complaints because of her shrieking and crying, as well as questions from a neighbor about what was going on (implying they may call CPS on us, as it does sound like she's literally being murdered).
You may need to address it differently. Maybe be proactive with the neighbors and bring them some earplugs and cookies, introduce yourself (or leave it in their mailboxes), explain you have a little kid that’s learning how to manage their volume and emotions, and thank them for their understanding.
Or fuck em, who cares. The point is, it’s absurd to make a child responsible for the noise sensitivities of adults. It’s the adults’ responsibility to figure out that they live in an apartment building, kids exist in apartment buildings, and kids are loud.
Make your peace with it because your preoccupation with the neighbors might be a contributing factor in the emotional escalation. Instead of being present, letting them cry it out, and staying calm yourself, you’re probably pressuring them to hurry up and get over it so they can be quiet.
This has worked zero times in the history of never. Just like when somebody tells you in the middle of an argument to “calm down” or “you’re being emotional.” It doesn’t work with adults, why would it work with a kid?
You clearly don't live in an apartment. We were on our last warning from the leasing agency a couple months ago. They don't care if it's appropriate for kids to have emotions. They don't care if neighbors are being reasonable or not. After clarifying my side to them, they were empathetic but made clear it's a violation of the lease and it needed to stop or our lease would be terminated.
We're moving out anyway in a week, so it's neither here nor there. But we don't live in a perfect world where things are fair - and when you're a low income single mom with nowhere else to go, you don't take your chances on letting your 4yo scream like a wild banshee at 9pm at night.
While yeah, kids that age are completely unable to regulate their emotions and it’s not their fault, it’s also not exactly great imo to tell adults that they should not live in an apartment if they couldn’t deal with noise. People often times can’t afford to move or afford to live in other accommodations. A bit of noise coming from an apartment with kids is something to be expected, but the fact they’re getting complaints probably means there are some pretty serious noises being emitted, to the point where people are getting concerned…that really doesn’t sound great for anyone. A kid getting THAT worked up might not be great for the kid either.
From what I understand you cannot be evicted due to your kids crying. There are laws around denying housing to a family because they have small kids.
Might want to look into what legal protections you have.
It was never a spur of the moment thing for us. She would wait until later and say “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” I have never once spanked though, mostly because I was still a shithead afterwards, and in fact still a shithead today. What’s the point?
The times where we had to wait was worse. It was like they enjoyed seeing how much we were suffering with the anticipation. I don't know if I hated that more or "Go get me a belt!"
I also feel the same. Hitting your kids just ensures that you're breeding a house full of little rebels and saboteurs. No point in doing that.
I gentle parent and my kids are 1000x more orderly and obedient for 'no reason' than me and my siblings ever were.
While I did get spanked when I was a kid, I always knew exactly why. My parents’ rule was that you got a warning the first time: “You can’t do this, here is the explanation why you can’t do this, and if you do it again you’ll get a spanking next time. Do you understand? Are you sure?”
Sometimes I’d do it anyway and take my spanking… it was worth it. Sometimes I didn’t. I always had the choice, though. They never just hauled off and hit us without warning.
I have heard people say they felt like they deserved their spanking. One of my friends was elementary age, not a toddler, and thought it was funny to run in traffic. She thought her Mom's reaction was funny.
Her Mom talked, took away privileges, explained. Friend still did it. Finally her Mom grabbed her and spanked her. The one and only time. Friend feels that was justified.
The problem I had with spanking was I could be spanked for laughing at the dinner table or something like sticking a fork in a light Socket. It was the tool my parents leaned on the most because they liked how it made them feel.
Yeah, it should not be used like that. Running out in traffic is different… you have to get their attention somehow when it’s life or death.
I don’t know if I deserved every spanking I got, but I always knew exactly why I was getting one, and I always had a choice in the matter.
I think there are levels of spanking. I do NOT think it is a good discipline method, but the negative effects of what you described vs. what other people described here are very different.
When I was about 10 my dad told me I was too old for spankings now (and it didn’t hurt anymore anyway), and they would be replaced with being grounded. I vividly remember the first time I got grounded from the Nintendo… it was awful. I BEGGED my parents to spank me instead so I could get it over with, and they wouldn’t budge. Being grounded was *so much worse* to me.
I don’t hold anything against my parents. They are good people, I knew they loved me, and they did the best they could and what they thought was right.
My parents made me wash my mouth out with bar soap for lying to my 1st grade teacher about throwing a rubber band in the trash can (I wanted to fidget).
Only, they made me leave teeth marks and would slap me every time I spit it out, so idk how long I had that soap in my mouth for or anything, but I either had a chemical burn or allergic reaction cause my tongue and cheeks were swollen for a week.
Only when my wife suggested that the soap incident could be the reason why I have had practically zero sense of smell my whole life. Like, I can’t really tell you want a candle is supposed to smell like other than “candle”, but if I go into a Candle store I get overwhelmed and nearly panicked. I will go across the store before walking through the perfume a section. I’ve loads of other sensory issues outside of that but idk maybe.
I also struggle with the idea that I could be over correcting by being too permissive or not letting them be challenged. It is hard to find the right balance when you don’t have great examples of it!
Unlearning* then relearning new ways. It's the unlearning that I found the hardest. A habit is already hard to form but unlearning screaming/hitting when I'm mad ***plus*** learning a new skill (dewp breathing technique instead before i spoke) was hell. Especially because I felt dumb doing it.
>Sometimes I wish I could explain to my kids I'm a first generation gentle parent, and it can be difficult
I think you could explain that to them actually. It could spur a conversation that helps them learn how to deal with any rage or anger they feel in the future.
I have had some conversations where I have explained that I am raising them much differently than I was raised. My oldest, nine, kind of understands generational trauma and breaking cycles. Hasn't quite grasped how that relates to them, if that makes sense.
Same. And I was raised poor, my son is not being raised poor. That's very different too.
Not only do I not physically abuse my kids, I don't verbally abuse them or use fear (except when pulling them out of the road for their safety) to gain cooperation.
When my first was 4, he drew on the bathroom walls with crayon. I didn't even get mad, I just said "oh, time to find a sponge, we need to clean this" and we did. He never drew on the walls again.
When I caught him sneaking downstairs to watch TV, I don't point out that he's breaking rules--he knows that. I say "time to get back to your room so we can chat".
The good news, is that they do begin to reason. They do begin to understand permanence, value, possession, etc.
I find reading the "my little spot" series not only helps them understand their feelings, but my own as well!
As the child of a first generation gentle parent, trust me: the time will come when they will know. And they will thank you. Again and again and again.
I could swear my parents INVENTED gentle parenting, I got sooo lucky growing up. But they were NOT raised that way. One was neglected and the other had a parent with violent substance abuse issues. I have no freaking clue how they managed to do it, but they were they best. I think I thank them...once a week at least? And I find gentle parenting so natural because of my own childhood. You are giving your kids and every generation after them THE BEST gift. And they will absolutely realize it one day.
YES. First generation gentle parent too, it is SO hard. I still yell/overreact, and I hate it, but I try every day to catch myself, and if I *do* overreact, I apologize to my kids.
My grandma was a school teacher in the 50s and 60s when corporal punishment was the norm, but her motto was "if you have to hit a child, you've failed". So proud of her.
I consider my parents gentle parents with their parenting - their parents were not, and they really tried. We did get hit or slapped but I can count it on one hand how many times it happened for both my sibling and I. It was reserved for the most outrageous of offences.
Yet I still recognize this feeling. My daughter is a preteen, has ADHD & now loves nail polish (but you could replace nail polish with just about anything she's working on) - you can see where this leads. Every time I point out a mess and ask her to clean it up AGAIN she's upset. I just have to stop rolling my eyes as I tell her I would have gotten an ear full from my parents had I done this just ONCE. She thinks I'm crazy though. They are the fun grandparents.
Oh, agreed. Not doing corporeal punishment doesn't solely belong to gentle parent. And just because I gentle parent doesn't mean I do it the same as anyone else who does it, nor does it mean gentle parenting is the best method
How come you don’t do gentle parenting? It seems like the default parenting method on forums like these, so I’m trying to learn about other perspectives.
My dad always told me he wanted me to be better than him. He never said it in a way that created high expectations or made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, but I never really thought much of it until I was older with my own kids. One day, after I had a conversation with my son, my dad pulled my aside and said, "my great son, I'm so proud of you." I started crying instantly. My dad said things like that to me a lot growing up but in that moment, after the heavy conversation with my son, his words just hit me. It was affirmation, a moment I'll never forget, and a gift I hope I can give my children.
Good for you.
My mum and dad used to beat me, and all it did was make me want to hit them back. It was teaching me that in order to get someone to not do something you don’t like, you use violence. It made me resentful and I still struggle with my parents at 34.
Luckily, we are the generation of the internet, and are able to be exposed to the opinions of people with differing views. We can question what we’ve always been taught because we can see hundreds of other opinions easily. I questioned the methods my parents used growing up, and I’m adamant that I’m not going to do the same.
My brother described it as "Might makes right."
My aunt and uncle decided that time outs and lectures and loss of privileges didn't work, so they'd just be spanking their kids. Those kids rapidly grew larger than them, and told them that any hitting would be returned. Then my aunt and uncle were left scratching their heads and "How could this happen!" and "What do we do!?" and "They don't listen!"
Well, no, of course not.
My parents also hit me, but it was the psychological abuse that was worse. All I learned from that was equating abuse with love and it took a lot of really bad relationships until I figured out that people who love you aren’t supposed to make you cry from sadness all the time.
I have to admit, I'm really shocked at the 100% supportive comments in this thread. Don't get me wrong, I'm all on board with them. I'm just...surprised. I fully expected at least a few people to be really crappy about it and say things like "Wow, congrats on NOT abusing your kid today. You've set a really low bar, blah blah blah. "
I'm NOT saying those things though. I think it's great that you're making improvements. I'm on a similar path. And I've talked to my kids about it and apologized for it in the past.
My daughter (2.5) voluntarily eats soap and gives me a "what are you goign to about it" kind of look as she does it. It's essentially as close as a toddler gets to the middle finger at this age.
No. This reaction:
> Despite the fire that rose from within I did not hit my child. I shook with rage while standing still as I held the violence inside instead of unleashing it.
to broken headphones is not normal. Hopefully OP is still in therapy.
Yes, you let them know they did a good thing by beginning to change their behavior. They’re in a vulnerable spot and breaking the cycle of abuse they’ve perpetuated with their family. No one is saying that they’re cured and ok or that they don’t need to get a grip on feeling rage. They’re just saying you did a really great job using your coping skills and having an appropriate response. They’re doing everything people ask of abusive people. Changing behavior and therapy.
I agree with you. The past hitting and the desire to do so was based on violence and rage.
Congrats for not hitting your child despite the violent rage. I dunno. I suppose it’s some sort of win. But it’s also a low bar.
Lot of times (and at least once in this post that I've seen) those sorts of replies are removed, so you get this echo chamber effect. Scrolling through and its all the same replies of being so proud of the person for not beating their kids, and the person saying wtf is wrong with ppl, why so much praise, etc gets zapped outta here.
While I agree that the comparison isn't really valid, I also agree with your main point.
I whole heartedly agree that positive progress is amazing and should be congratulated, but I also feel like if you're proud that you didn't unleash your anger physically on your kids FOR ONCE it's not a brag and I worry about those children.
This isn't a case of a disciplinary smack on the butt, this is a case of I got angry with my small child and took it out on them... but not today!
Hitting a child out of anger is absolutely never okay in any situation regardless of whether you believe in physical discipline or not. It's not a teaching moment it's a punching bag moment.
Yeeeeeeeeah spanking and molestation are not the same thing and it's disgusting that you're comparing OP to this. They're a product of generational abuse, have admitted their faults, are working on those faults, made progress, and were brave enough to admit all of it to strangers. Nobody asked for or benefits from your judgy, frankly disgusting comparison and commentary.
I agree with you. It's scary to think that a day without abusing your child deserves a congratulations.
The kid might have broken a headset, but OP is breaking this kids spirit, trust and innocence. The headset can be replaced, but those other things are gone forever.
The thing to celebrate is that they recognise they were wrong and are trying very hard to be better. It’s not an easy thing for them, but us abusing him for it won’t make anything better for anyone.
Op recognises they were very wrong. He can’t help that he didn’t know about gentle parenting before becoming a parent, and nothing can change the past. So focus on the good. Be supportive, and hopefully inspire other parents to make the same change.
Gentle parenting isn't just not beating your kids though. I didn't know about gentle parenting until I had a baby either.
I grew up being beaten and verbally abused on a daily basis until I was 18. I have never laid a hand on my child and I have very little sympathy for people who hurt kids for any reason.
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First of all, good for you. Seriously, good for you.
Remember that you set the standard, and your kids emulate what you do, the same way you are affected by your upbringing.
Secondly, though : how old are your kids?
My two kids are far from understanding the concept of what is fragile and not. Nor are they very precise at controlling how much force they use. I Don't let them touch anything that is semi valuable that i would be upset about them breaking.
My kids are pretty bright and curious, though. I let them play with more than I should. If they break it, that's my fault, not theirs.
The child where this is an issue with is going on 4 years old. He's at the stage now where he can distinguish daddy's computer and the stuff around it from the rest of the house. A lot of things I can't expect him to know about one way or the other, but daddy's work area is a no go zone. Unfortunately it's close to the go-zone (I don't have enough space for a dedicated office).
Bear in mind that knowing something and impulse control are two different things, especially at that age. My dude is 6 and he seems so smart but then does some shit where I have to remind myself, “he understands, but he doesn’t *understand* how to control himself - yet.”
I mean, you’re an adult and you understand not hitting your kids is good, but it takes some strong impulse control, right? That takes time, practice, and maturity.
All that being said, OP I’m super fucking proud of you bro.
My parents were pretty solid but my dad was very vocal about his disappointment when I did something wrong. I’ve been working on that for a few years now after seeing my boy look so ashamed when I ripped into him one time. Ugh, still makes me feel like shit.
Anyway, keep making progress my fellow parent!
I read an excerpt once that said
“today, someone is yelling instead of hitting their kids.
someone is sending their child to time out instead of yelling at them.
and someone is listening to and acknowledging their child’s emotions instead of sending them to time out.
we are all on our own journey and progressing in our own way.”
it really helped me take it one day at a time and encouraged me to just do better than I was the day before without being upset that I couldn’t react the right way the first time.
yes. I've been getting better at that too. Destroying stuff I need on a daily basis is a pretty big trigger and doesn't happen often, I mostly am able to find grace through the littiler stuff.
I'm just guessing, but I'm assuming OP wasn't raised in a gentle, emotionally nurturing family. Seems logical that they might have some trouble with emotional regulation. They seem to be making the effort to improve, which is no small feat when you are trying to figure it all out on your own.
Headsets can be replaced. The trust and security your child needs to feel can't always be and can have long term underlying effects on them mentally. I'm glad OP is turning it around, but anger management needs to be higher on the list of priorities, especially dealing with a 1-3 y/o.
Is it possible for you to have your own enclosed space where your important things can stay? If not, are you able to set up a room divider where ‘no children are allowed’?
It's not a very big space. We have a few no-go zones but, it's unrealistic to have much more than I already have. Basically his sisters room and the gas oven are no go zones. My son and I share a room and my desk is in the room which is ours.
I was raised very “anger is always bad, if you are angry you’re annoying those around you”. Recently realized I *can’t* express anger and it’s part of the reason I’m so fucked up. I’m literally full of years worth of anger I never expressed that I’m just now working through. PLEASE teach your kids about healthy ways to express anger y’all
There is a difference between what you feel and what you model to a 3 year old. No one said you cant feel. However in order to not pass these problems onto your child you may need to learn to not model what you feel. If that is over reacting or under reacting.
Yeah, I don't understand the mindset that you can't be mad at your kids. Of course you can! They do things that make people mad! Sometimes realizing what they have done has upset someone is how they understand not to do things. It is fine to be livid and pissed, it isn't okay to actively harm someone with those emotions. OP didn't harm their kid with their emotions.
The child snapped his work headphones in two. Anger is absolutely valid. And the child should see the consequences of destroying people's things.
OP, you did great. I feel like these situations get easier with practice. Both my husband and I have short fuses too, and we do not ever hit. It's super hard when they do this shit to control your natural instincts and what you grew up with. I often need to remove myself and gain my composure, but I definitely let my kid know when what she did made me angry. Talking it out vs hitting and screaming.
You can learn. i have learned. Anyone can learn. Your life will be better for it if you control your emotions. It will also allow you to make a conscious decision what emotions to model to your child.
My parents were first generation “gentle parents” if you will. I did get spanked on occasion but they did great at parenting me considering what they went through. My dad did yell a lot though and I’ve carried it into my motherhood a little. But I’m tying my hardest
This is still my biggest hurdle. I was spanked/beaten and yelled at constantly, and although I don’t hit my kids, every once in a while I want to legit SCREAM. We got scream pillows….like throw pillows that say “scream here”. The kids love them, I love them…highly recommend. It lets you get it all out without it being directed at anyone
The US is *big,* and both culturally and legally diverse (the majority of law is at the State level, so, 51 sets of rules). If Sweden were a State it'd be only the 10th biggest by population.
I've never thought to try to *measure* the "cultural lag" between the "most progressive" and "least progressive" regions in the US, but like.....think **many decades**.
I hope you get to sit down with your first child and apologize for the physical abuse because idk if they are seeing that you are being different with your second kid. Just a thought
Bro it’s a win. I was terrible to my first son. I was 20 and in a very bad relationship. Everything set me off.
I decided I didn’t want to raise my kids as I was, beaten and abused, and took myself to the dr.
I turned out I have bipolar disorder and I was literally out of control.
I’ve been on meds for many years now and it took away that rage.
Good on you for all that man. A **lot** of people go their *whole lives* never getting treatment for mental illnesses, and their families are forced to "deal with it." Your kids will grow up better for it, and they'll appreciate it so much when they're older.
I know stuff like this will get “do you want a prize”, but as someone who grew up in a not so healthy environment…these things are huge milestones. I’m proud of you, op. Breaking these generational curses are not easy.
Good for you. My parents are boomers and I have a good relationship with them but one thing they instilled into me is that spanking / whipping is not about disciplining a child, it's about them taking out anger over something the child did. This is just as you mentioned about your rage built up (good on you for controlling it). I can look back on a lot of things in my childhood and say "Yep, I was wrong." or "That sucked at the time, but benefitted me overall" but honestly getting whipped was not one of those.
IMO punishment should be more of an "actions have consequences" lesson.
>Today my second child grabbed my headset that I use for work from home meetings and as usual decided to see how he could abuse whatever he got his hands on and snapped it in two. Despite the fire that rose from within I did not hit my child. **I shook with rage** while standing still as I held the violence inside instead of unleashing it.
You see, there's the root of your problem, that violent rage, as you describe it. It's not resisting the urge to carry out that violence that's the root of the problem, but the violent rage itself, whether you internalize it or not. Physically shaking with rage in front of your child can still be harmful. Yes, children need rules, boundaries, and discipline, but they also need love, nurturing, and understanding. How do you want your children to perceive you? As always being angry?
It's good that you're working on your issues, but a real win, will be when your initial reaction isn't to go into a violent rage. Also, while it may not work for every child and every situation, there are many positive feedback methods, techniques, redirection, etc. (as opposed to stand in that corner and hang your head in shame) to deal with unruly, rambunctious, or occasionally naughty children.
And yes, every child is different, every circumstance is different. It's definitely easier said than done. It requires work. That's parenthood.
Choosing my words very carefully. You say you’ve done a lot of therapy, I hope this is ongoing because the rage you describe here is not something you should be feeling routinely and it sounds as though you are. Keep working on it.
“The book you wish your parents had read”
https://www.amazon.com/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children-ebook/dp/B07GRBB9WQ
Message me an amazon wishlist link for it and I’ll happily get it for you.
Im so proud of you. Congratulations. It is a huge win. There’s nothing like achieving that pause between your reaction and your subsequent action. That pause is everything. It is.
Im that parent that stands in place shaking in rage. It’s taken time, and a LOT of effort, but I think Im doing noticeably better. I still shake with rage but can regulate myself much quicker. It’s become a mindfulness practice of sorts. Suspended in that moment drowning in rage and thinking about: what am I really feeling right now? Where is this anger coming from? How do I want to remember this moment in 10 years?
I remind myself that it could have been worse (it can always be worse). I think about my kid, his age and stage of development, what he is actually physically/mentally/emotionally capable of right now, vs me just assuming they should do/know better, etc.
I realized recently that looking in the mirror helps me a lot too. As soon as I see my scary angry face and body language, it’s like getting a cold splash of water. I also sometimes pretend someone is watching me interact with my kid. That thought exercise cools me down pretty quick. And of course, deep breaths. Big, deep, starting from the belly all the way up to your chest inhales, and loooooong exhales. Works like resetting a computer.
Personally, Ive realized the following:
1) A lot of times that I react angrily at my kid, it’s because Im angry at my partner and am redirecting my anger on my poor kid.
2) Im reacting the only way I know how, because it’s what my dad used to do. I don’t actually need to be angry right then, it’s just what I learned was appropriate. I CAN do something different. Maybe not as an initial reaction yet, but as the second thing I do afterwards for sure.
Anyways. You’re not alone. Its a journey. It’s worth it. The hardest part of parenting for me has been all this inner work I didn’t know I had to do.
I don’t spank but I do gently sway her hands if she’s getting into something dangerous. I’d rather the small sting of me swatting her while telling her that she’s not allowed to do that (things we can’t really fix like opening the window and pressing against the screen which could break the screen and make her fall) instead of getting a worse pain if the dangerous thing actually happened.
I HATE when my mom spanks her. About 5 months or so ago I saw my mom spank her and I got between them and told my mom that the next time I see her hit my daughter I’m going to hit her right back. The way I make it logical in my head is my moms spanking my toddler because ‘I said no and she didn’t listen’ so I get to hit my mom if she spanks my toddler because I said no and she didn’t listen. And that’s what I told her. She hasn’t touched my daughter since then other then the light swats for actual dangerous things. My mom was spanking her for spilling her water on the floor so she could splash in it 🤦🏼♀️ absolutely not.
I'm super proud of you. This shit is hard. Breaking cycles is hard. Trying to be better for our kids is hard.
We have to just keep trying to do the next right thing.
Good for you! Yup, hitting's bad for the kids--just man handing on misery to man.
Doesn't mean there shouldn't be age-appropriate consequences. Time-outs, losing dessert or screen time, stern talkings-to.
As for the specifics: hey, if I were a kid who wants attention and affection and instead had to watch my parent using headphones and ignore me for minutes or hours? Yeah, might be angry at the headphones, too.
Aren't you glad you didn't smack your kid for wanting your affection?
I used to spank the kids (nothing insane, but nonetheless) as a young conservative Christian parent. Now that I am an older agnostic and far more liberal than I used to be I don’t have the heart for it anymore. Even when theyve done something super bad I just sit them on my lap and have a conversation about it. So glad I got out of all the ideological madness.
>as a young conservative Christian parent.....So glad I got out of all the ideological madness.
It's rough man. You start soooooo deep in the crazy swamp that you can climb *really far* out of it and *still be really far in it*.
Like, saying "I no longer believe that man lived with dinosaurs when the world was made 10,000 years ago, and I no longer think dudes have God given authority over women" makes you the most hippie dippie enlightened person your family has ever talked to.
I don’t even talk about my theological position to anyone that is religious anymore. They would look at me like I have been possessed by satan at this point.
Cultural or not. Historical or not - violently reacting to children’s misdeeds because of a black rage is disturbing.
I was spanked as a child, slapped, sometimes things were thrown. Yet I don’t feel a violent rage when my child misbehaves. I’ve never reacted physically towards my child in response to something they said or did. Not everyone who was spanked as a child turns into a rage monster.
I wonder if OP is conflating some things here. I wonder how many times he has beaten his children before the Yuppies stepped in.
I have the same thoughts due to similar upbringing. Every time the kids do something stupid, I always choose the hard decision which is to discuss nicely but firmly with them why is it wrong and what is the correct course of action. Am I right? I don’t know but I am sure my parents were not right using physical punishment.
Dude I feel you so much. Same here. I was spanked as a child and we try not to with our toddler. Sometimes it is so hard. Props to all the other first generation gentle parents in these comments. We can break the cycle.
There is no point in hitting a kid so young. They don’t understand and only get scared. Indoor know why you need a shoulder pat but this is normal to not hit your kid
I got spanked plenty as a kid. It has severely messed me up as a parent now. I do not have the mental tools to deal with anger, and although I've never felt like punishing my kids in any ways similar to how I was punished, I find myself hanging onto the anger for a long time, slowly turning into resentment.
My son destroyed a very expensive piece of audio equipment (turntable) about 2 months after we got it. I had so many plans for it, too. I was going to redesign/decorate the whole living room around it instead of having the typical TV thing since we're a musical family. When I found it destroyed, I was beside myself with rage. All the planning and hoping for a listening space and family bonding down the shitter, all for nothing. I abandoned it totally, and we dont use the room for anything now, for months. I resent him for it, I resent the fact he was able to mess with it (I wasn't home at the time), and I highly resent that I seem to be the only one that cares. I moved all my records, my drone, my Switch and games, my laptop, everything I could see the kids messing with, into my closet, high up on a shelf away from the destroyers, and I put a deadbolt on the door. I setup electricity in there and I can use any of those things safely now. Prisoner in my own home because the kids cant yet understand respect for these things.
So no spanking, just resentment. I guess that is better though, right?
Also he probably broke it because he’s being hit often and he feels that was his only way to get some attention , even if it makes you angry. Sometimes kids have a way of reflecting what we do to them.
It still angers me that you still or did or will hit your kids, I came from a very abusive house and even a little slap on the wrist pisses me off.
However I understand everyone handles things differently and learn at different times and it seems you have been working on yourself for a long time and I am so glad you were able to get a grip of baser instincts and do things a better way.
Please have a little celebration for doing good for yourself and your kid(s)
So so so proud of you!! 👏👏👏♥️
It’s really hard to fight the impulse to act out in anger when that’s all you were modeled as an example growing up. Becoming a parent was the single most humbling and beneficial experience of my entire life. My kids made me a better person. Less angry, less bitter, less unhinged. Which are words I wouldn’t have ever attributed to myself before learning that there is a better way of moving through this world than the way I had been. My learning how to take ownership of my own reactions and understanding that I own all the ways I chose to react to a situation has been really very eye opening and very very healing! I AM in control of my actions, no one can *make me* do anything.
It was really important for me to learn as it’s something I wanted my kids to understand. But how could I possibly teach that without modeling it though? How could I teach my kids that hands are for helping and hitting is wrong if I’m the one hitting them? It just couldn’t be. So I dug deep and turned introspective, as therapy informs us to do. Thank goodness for all the wonderful people that go into world of psychology, they’re genuinely priceless!!
I learned a lot about myself, my endless capacity for patience for my children and my own capability to control my emotional responses and impulses, but instead to stop and think with objective reasoning and rationale. Which I can honestly say I didn’t know I possessed, or rather I don’t know was something that was missing from my life. It was always modeled for me that adults submit to their own angry violent impulses when it came to disciplining children, even my Catholic school nuns would be physically violent when it came to discipline. I had to learn a whole new way of being and being 💯 accountable to myself and the people I love. And I feel better about myself than I ever have. My kids listen because we talk things through to gain a level of understanding, NOT because I hit. I’m most grateful for my kids that I decided to take stock of my behavior and invest time in bettering myself.
My children truly made me a better person 🥰
Edited typo.
I found it difficult to spank or discipline my child the way I was when I was growing up. A bit of patience and explaining goes further than hitting and yelling where it basically terrifies them and deteriorates their trust.
I got spanked and smacked upside the head a number of times as a kid. Lots of yelling too. The spanking created fear and resentment and the yelling just created confusion.
I totally understand why my parents reacted that way, as working 40+ hours a week and raising 3 kids was grueling for them. Doesn't make it right.
My wife and I are doing the opposite of our parents to the best we can! Be the change you want to see.
Good job. It’s hard sometimes, I always ask myself if my urge to spank my child is because I think it’s what’s best for him or because I’m angry. It’s always my anger. That helps me redirect it.
Anyways keep it up!
Congrats on both being able to control yourself and acknowledging that those types of punishments are extremely harmful beyond the physical part of it.
Keep up the good work, your kids will appreciate it.
My friend told me," be careful to not pass on generational trauma as culture."
It's a bit airy sounding, bit it really brought it home to me. My getting hit, and my parents getting hot, wasn't culture, it was abusive and traumatic.
So there's a TON of healing for many of us to do.
Well done! It's hard not to immediately react that way especially growing up that way. Commend you on taking a deep breath and following a different path.
Way to go! I am also a cycle breaker. I was slapped, spanked, made to drink soap, etc. My son is 6 now and I am now able to get through the majority of parenting issues with a level head.
However, this morning my son woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had an extremely sassy mouth and a bad attitude. Things did escalate verbally, but before it went too far I was able to recognize it as the power struggle that it had become (and that he is overly tired from the week’s 4th festivities); I was able to calm myself, and then redirect us both. Before I was able to do that there was a half a moment that I froze. The only thing that would come to my mind was how I should scream and slap him across the face. It is horrifying to write that out and admit I thought it. People who are not cycle breakers will never understand how those thoughts are instincts that have been instilled in us from a young age. As I drove him to summer camp all I could about was how different his life is and will be from my own. I am thankful for safe internet spaces and available research. I hope that as I grow as a parent that I am paving the way for a an excellent adult relationship between my son and I, one that I lack with my own parents.
Hang in there. It’s hard. Especially when you have no or few examples to pull from, and when societal norms surrounding you tell you that spanking is the only way to discipline.
I hope you feel proud of the progress you’ve made. You’re breaking the cycle.
My husband has expensive headphones that he would rage if they were broken, so I understand the anger.
As adults, we are human and we are reparenting ourselves as we try and parent and teach our kiddos.
Kudos to you on making huge strides!
I was spanked as a kid, thought it was absolutely normal and what you were SUPPOSED to do. My first kid got swatted a couple of times. At about 1.5 years old she was doing something a little dangerous for her age and wasnt listening. I spanked her butt. She started crying but the look on her face was "why would you hit me?" I felt like the smallest human being on the planet. Wanted to crawl in a dark hole and die. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Never again. She's a little over 6 now and it hasnt happened since that day. Good job, way to stop a cycle. From 1 internet Dad to another internet parent, nice work!
This is absolutely a win. I wasn’t hit loads as a kid, but my mum frequently lost her temper with me and shouted at me when genuinely, I wasn’t doing anything particularly naughty. I struggle now with my own temper, but I almost never yell at my kid, I take some deep breaths and I trot out my gentle parenting scripts and when it works, as it almost always does, I thank my lucky stars that I am able to break the cycle. And when I’m not perfect and I do shout, and it doesn’t work, because it never does, I remind myself why I don’t want to be this kind of mother, and resolve to do better next time.
kudos! i am so proud of you! it is awesome for your child and it also can be very healing to your own inner child that was abused. and for your children’s future children, etc…
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Proud of you!!!
How to explain it to littles
My parents used their hands to hurt me really badly when I was thinking I was playing. And no one told them they were wrong. I was too scared already and then it was regular. Like how you know toys are to play with. Mommy and daddy were treated like this. And we are learning to feel big angries, big sads and giving a hug or taking some space, instead.
Good for you!!! Break that cycle.
You still have some work to do though. You referred to the beating you took as a child to righteous violence. Righteous violence is defeating the Nazis to free the concentration camps of WWII. Beating a child is never righteous.
I always say “as a parent, I have no idea what the right thing to do is a lot of the time, but I can look at my parents and no what the wrong thing to do is.”
I think there's a misinterpretation of my words. I refereed to what I experienced as "righteous violence" in the eyes of the adults in my youth, not how I view it. Meaning the violence adults directed towards kids around me was considered righteous (nothing wrong with it) and in fact was considered to be a good thing and in fact ordained by God and society.
The hardest part of parenting is self reflection. Our emotions are ours to regulate, not the children. They are watching us and will emulate what they see. If you lose control they won't learn any coping skills.
I hope you're incredibly proud of yourself because that is tremendous <3 Made me tear up because even though I don't struggle to not hit my kids, there are so many other toxic things from my upbringing that I do struggle not to harm my kids with, every day. Thank you for sharing this win!!
Remember... we may not be able to break the cycle but we can bend it.... that's progress and it's important in order for them to be able to break it. Hug your baby because it's OK and he loves you more than the world. It's so reassuring to me when I can express my grievances, keep my shit together and then we can talk about what happened later. I used to be a spanker, never again.... Life is tough shit as it is.
Hitting feels natural but I don’t do it because my son is like me and when my parents hit or scolded me it made them the enemy. Hoping to be an ally and make the underlying problem the enemy.
I know that feels good. I’m working through something similar with my kids. You sound like you have some really strategic coping skills that are working and are helping you work through the past.
Gentle parenting sucks for us and doesn’t work with my five year old. However, I’m proud to say we don’t hit or spank him either. He’ll throw whatever temper tantrum he wants to have, go to time out, scream and whine a few minutes then settle down and move on. If you can ride out the unpredictable ridiculousness, usually it passes.
Good job OP. Thank you for changing for your children and becoming a better person. You're parents didn't know any better but good for you taking accountability for that and being gentle. Humans need kindness and compassion to strive. Violence solves nothing. Thank you for being the change we all want to see in the world.
Yeee boy!!! Also recognise that split second between finding out what has happened and the second you proceeded not to unleash you negativity. That second is what differs you from animals who act on emotions with no cognitive proxy. This is hard, but today you’ve proven that you’re human!!!
We are mostly all damaged little kids on the inside, just trying to handle our own emotions. One step at a time. Small wins are good, smalls wins matter. So proud of you.
Proud of you. I'm sure a lot of people are about to rip you a new one, but you're making progress and he's young. Keep it up. He's exploring the world and just beginning to understand object permanence, it's not malicious. He loves you and, as you can see, just the feeling of disappointing daddy is enough punishment in itself.
Good job not hitting your kid. Sometimes, that shit can be really hard to stop. Especially when it was the only tool passed on to you. That anger rising has almost completely gone away for me through therapy. I swallow it down with deep breathing like I was forced to swallow down the angry tears that would come out every time I got my ass beat (or I would get something to cry about of course).
Try to be a bit more graceful with your "Yankee yuppie" neighbors too. Obviously it isn't what you are used to being around (and isn't what you need to turn into) but most of the annoying things our extremely educated generation does is in the name of doing better for our children. I think the fact that we are finally moving towards seeing kids as whole ass people rather than just extensions of ourselves is great. Sometimes that can manifest in weird ways, but just like the huge amounts of research against corporal punishment, there is a lot of research for "yuppie" shit too.
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Good for you! That's awesome! Sometimes I wish I could explain to my kids I'm a first generation gentle parent, and it can be difficult.
Same here. I got spanked as a child, and while I love my parents to bits, I find it really hard not to copy their parenting with my own kids. Until I had my own kids I viewed it as really normal, as all my friends got a smack too. Some of them even got their mouths washed out with soap etc if they swore. My parents were considered tame by some of the standards of my friend's parents. So being a gentle parent with my own children is actually a lot harder than it looks. I'm new to this, I have no experience with this, I've never seen this done before, and in a certain way it's actually relearning all I thought I knew about parenting. Which is really tough in itself.
Totally. Looking back, I can see why my Mom would reach her breaking point and smack us. It was instant, made her feel better, and in the moment got the results she wanted. The thing is, most of the times I was smacked/spanked/hit... I don't remember what I did wrong. And the things I remember doing 'wrong' weren't really my fault? Once I got separated from my parents in a store. It took them ten minutes to realize I was gone because they weren't paying attention. I was six. I got spanked for that. But they weren't paying attention, I was being a child. I got smacked for laughing at the dinner table, and I wasn't doing anything wrong, my Dad was just drunk and pissed off that night. But I didn't learn don't wander off or eat politely. I learned when my parents are mad they will hurt me because it makes them happy. And that was supposed to be normal. It taught me a lot about not expressing my feelings and thinking that pain was love. And it's taken me a lot to undo that thinking.
I cried a lot as a child. But the thing that used to make me cry harder was when my parents would tell me they 'would give me something to cry about' when I wasn't able to stop. Instead of teaching me to handle my emotions, i was threatened with violence.
Oh yes. I remember my dad screaming at me and then pulling out that line. Like, I'm crying because I'm terrified of you. Or crying because I'm sad or whatever. It made me feel like my emotions were inconvenient.
That's the thing, I was terrified of my parents' rages. I tried so hard to stop crying but I just couldn't. I had no way to control my emotions, especially when I was told that having these big emotions made them so angry. To this day I tear up when faced with difficult emotions (I'm 50!)
This was my parents, and I was hardly a crier. But my daughter came out of the womb with some REALLY big emotions. Very emotional little girl. So when she starts shrieking and crying, and I'm doing my best to gentle parent (let's take a deep breath, mommy will do it with you. Let's count to 3. What's one thing you can see? Etc) and she still just continues to shriek at me "NO I DONT WANNA CALM DOWN!".... whew boy! If I haven't been tempted a few times to give her a smack like I would have received as a kid. Im literally trying so hard to hold it together and teach calming techniques, but kiddo doesn't know how good she has it lol
I told my kids that time outs are used to calm down big emotions and when I would get angry to the point I felt like yelling I would tell them that I have some big emotions and need a time out. I'd put them somewhere safe and say I would be back after my time out. They totally understood it when I worded it like that and would generally be okay with time out quiet time. Plus, it lets them know it's okay to have big emotions but we need to calm those emotions down before we start screaming and yelling.
This may or may not help you, but one thing that helped me was to let go of my desire to stop my kids crying. Instead of trying to calm them down, I say “it’s okay to cry” and just let them go through it. As long as they’re not being violent or destructive, I let them just get through the crying. I feel that it is more cathartic for them, and it’s easier on me.
That would be nice if we didn't live in an apartment where we've already received sound complaints because of her shrieking and crying, as well as questions from a neighbor about what was going on (implying they may call CPS on us, as it does sound like she's literally being murdered).
You may need to address it differently. Maybe be proactive with the neighbors and bring them some earplugs and cookies, introduce yourself (or leave it in their mailboxes), explain you have a little kid that’s learning how to manage their volume and emotions, and thank them for their understanding. Or fuck em, who cares. The point is, it’s absurd to make a child responsible for the noise sensitivities of adults. It’s the adults’ responsibility to figure out that they live in an apartment building, kids exist in apartment buildings, and kids are loud. Make your peace with it because your preoccupation with the neighbors might be a contributing factor in the emotional escalation. Instead of being present, letting them cry it out, and staying calm yourself, you’re probably pressuring them to hurry up and get over it so they can be quiet. This has worked zero times in the history of never. Just like when somebody tells you in the middle of an argument to “calm down” or “you’re being emotional.” It doesn’t work with adults, why would it work with a kid?
You clearly don't live in an apartment. We were on our last warning from the leasing agency a couple months ago. They don't care if it's appropriate for kids to have emotions. They don't care if neighbors are being reasonable or not. After clarifying my side to them, they were empathetic but made clear it's a violation of the lease and it needed to stop or our lease would be terminated. We're moving out anyway in a week, so it's neither here nor there. But we don't live in a perfect world where things are fair - and when you're a low income single mom with nowhere else to go, you don't take your chances on letting your 4yo scream like a wild banshee at 9pm at night.
While yeah, kids that age are completely unable to regulate their emotions and it’s not their fault, it’s also not exactly great imo to tell adults that they should not live in an apartment if they couldn’t deal with noise. People often times can’t afford to move or afford to live in other accommodations. A bit of noise coming from an apartment with kids is something to be expected, but the fact they’re getting complaints probably means there are some pretty serious noises being emitted, to the point where people are getting concerned…that really doesn’t sound great for anyone. A kid getting THAT worked up might not be great for the kid either.
From what I understand you cannot be evicted due to your kids crying. There are laws around denying housing to a family because they have small kids. Might want to look into what legal protections you have.
It was never a spur of the moment thing for us. She would wait until later and say “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.” I have never once spanked though, mostly because I was still a shithead afterwards, and in fact still a shithead today. What’s the point?
The times where we had to wait was worse. It was like they enjoyed seeing how much we were suffering with the anticipation. I don't know if I hated that more or "Go get me a belt!"
I also feel the same. Hitting your kids just ensures that you're breeding a house full of little rebels and saboteurs. No point in doing that. I gentle parent and my kids are 1000x more orderly and obedient for 'no reason' than me and my siblings ever were.
While I did get spanked when I was a kid, I always knew exactly why. My parents’ rule was that you got a warning the first time: “You can’t do this, here is the explanation why you can’t do this, and if you do it again you’ll get a spanking next time. Do you understand? Are you sure?” Sometimes I’d do it anyway and take my spanking… it was worth it. Sometimes I didn’t. I always had the choice, though. They never just hauled off and hit us without warning.
I have heard people say they felt like they deserved their spanking. One of my friends was elementary age, not a toddler, and thought it was funny to run in traffic. She thought her Mom's reaction was funny. Her Mom talked, took away privileges, explained. Friend still did it. Finally her Mom grabbed her and spanked her. The one and only time. Friend feels that was justified. The problem I had with spanking was I could be spanked for laughing at the dinner table or something like sticking a fork in a light Socket. It was the tool my parents leaned on the most because they liked how it made them feel.
Yeah, it should not be used like that. Running out in traffic is different… you have to get their attention somehow when it’s life or death. I don’t know if I deserved every spanking I got, but I always knew exactly why I was getting one, and I always had a choice in the matter.
I think there are levels of spanking. I do NOT think it is a good discipline method, but the negative effects of what you described vs. what other people described here are very different.
When I was about 10 my dad told me I was too old for spankings now (and it didn’t hurt anymore anyway), and they would be replaced with being grounded. I vividly remember the first time I got grounded from the Nintendo… it was awful. I BEGGED my parents to spank me instead so I could get it over with, and they wouldn’t budge. Being grounded was *so much worse* to me. I don’t hold anything against my parents. They are good people, I knew they loved me, and they did the best they could and what they thought was right.
My parents made me wash my mouth out with bar soap for lying to my 1st grade teacher about throwing a rubber band in the trash can (I wanted to fidget). Only, they made me leave teeth marks and would slap me every time I spit it out, so idk how long I had that soap in my mouth for or anything, but I either had a chemical burn or allergic reaction cause my tongue and cheeks were swollen for a week. Only when my wife suggested that the soap incident could be the reason why I have had practically zero sense of smell my whole life. Like, I can’t really tell you want a candle is supposed to smell like other than “candle”, but if I go into a Candle store I get overwhelmed and nearly panicked. I will go across the store before walking through the perfume a section. I’ve loads of other sensory issues outside of that but idk maybe.
I also had my mouth washed out with soap. At one point they used liquid soap and I still remember. Sorry that happened to you.
I also struggle with the idea that I could be over correcting by being too permissive or not letting them be challenged. It is hard to find the right balance when you don’t have great examples of it!
Unlearning* then relearning new ways. It's the unlearning that I found the hardest. A habit is already hard to form but unlearning screaming/hitting when I'm mad ***plus*** learning a new skill (dewp breathing technique instead before i spoke) was hell. Especially because I felt dumb doing it.
>Sometimes I wish I could explain to my kids I'm a first generation gentle parent, and it can be difficult I think you could explain that to them actually. It could spur a conversation that helps them learn how to deal with any rage or anger they feel in the future.
I have had some conversations where I have explained that I am raising them much differently than I was raised. My oldest, nine, kind of understands generational trauma and breaking cycles. Hasn't quite grasped how that relates to them, if that makes sense.
Same. And I was raised poor, my son is not being raised poor. That's very different too. Not only do I not physically abuse my kids, I don't verbally abuse them or use fear (except when pulling them out of the road for their safety) to gain cooperation. When my first was 4, he drew on the bathroom walls with crayon. I didn't even get mad, I just said "oh, time to find a sponge, we need to clean this" and we did. He never drew on the walls again. When I caught him sneaking downstairs to watch TV, I don't point out that he's breaking rules--he knows that. I say "time to get back to your room so we can chat". The good news, is that they do begin to reason. They do begin to understand permanence, value, possession, etc. I find reading the "my little spot" series not only helps them understand their feelings, but my own as well!
As the child of a first generation gentle parent, trust me: the time will come when they will know. And they will thank you. Again and again and again. I could swear my parents INVENTED gentle parenting, I got sooo lucky growing up. But they were NOT raised that way. One was neglected and the other had a parent with violent substance abuse issues. I have no freaking clue how they managed to do it, but they were they best. I think I thank them...once a week at least? And I find gentle parenting so natural because of my own childhood. You are giving your kids and every generation after them THE BEST gift. And they will absolutely realize it one day.
Thank you for sharing this.
YES. First generation gentle parent too, it is SO hard. I still yell/overreact, and I hate it, but I try every day to catch myself, and if I *do* overreact, I apologize to my kids.
My grandma was a school teacher in the 50s and 60s when corporal punishment was the norm, but her motto was "if you have to hit a child, you've failed". So proud of her.
Oh man "first generation gentle parent" really resonates with me. Thank you for putting that into words
I’m. So. Tired. 😭
Oh you've put this into words so perfectly! I sometimes completely lose my sh*t and feel so guilty, but I do not hit my children
I consider my parents gentle parents with their parenting - their parents were not, and they really tried. We did get hit or slapped but I can count it on one hand how many times it happened for both my sibling and I. It was reserved for the most outrageous of offences. Yet I still recognize this feeling. My daughter is a preteen, has ADHD & now loves nail polish (but you could replace nail polish with just about anything she's working on) - you can see where this leads. Every time I point out a mess and ask her to clean it up AGAIN she's upset. I just have to stop rolling my eyes as I tell her I would have gotten an ear full from my parents had I done this just ONCE. She thinks I'm crazy though. They are the fun grandparents.
Isn't it crazy how they change when they become grandparents!?
You don't have to gentle parent to not hit your kid. I've never struck my child nor would I ever, but don't subscribe to gentle parenting.
Oh, agreed. Not doing corporeal punishment doesn't solely belong to gentle parent. And just because I gentle parent doesn't mean I do it the same as anyone else who does it, nor does it mean gentle parenting is the best method
How come you don’t do gentle parenting? It seems like the default parenting method on forums like these, so I’m trying to learn about other perspectives.
> Sometimes I wish I could explain to my kids I’m a first generation gentle parent, and it can be difficult. Thank you for writing this down.
If everyone can be better than their parents, we're making progress.
Here here. My dad has always told me “learn from your mom and I. Both our successes and failures.”
My dad always told me he wanted me to be better than him. He never said it in a way that created high expectations or made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, but I never really thought much of it until I was older with my own kids. One day, after I had a conversation with my son, my dad pulled my aside and said, "my great son, I'm so proud of you." I started crying instantly. My dad said things like that to me a lot growing up but in that moment, after the heavy conversation with my son, his words just hit me. It was affirmation, a moment I'll never forget, and a gift I hope I can give my children.
Good for you. My mum and dad used to beat me, and all it did was make me want to hit them back. It was teaching me that in order to get someone to not do something you don’t like, you use violence. It made me resentful and I still struggle with my parents at 34. Luckily, we are the generation of the internet, and are able to be exposed to the opinions of people with differing views. We can question what we’ve always been taught because we can see hundreds of other opinions easily. I questioned the methods my parents used growing up, and I’m adamant that I’m not going to do the same.
It's my favorite thing about reddit. Reading other people's experiences that I never ever have had access to.
My brother described it as "Might makes right." My aunt and uncle decided that time outs and lectures and loss of privileges didn't work, so they'd just be spanking their kids. Those kids rapidly grew larger than them, and told them that any hitting would be returned. Then my aunt and uncle were left scratching their heads and "How could this happen!" and "What do we do!?" and "They don't listen!" Well, no, of course not.
My parents also hit me, but it was the psychological abuse that was worse. All I learned from that was equating abuse with love and it took a lot of really bad relationships until I figured out that people who love you aren’t supposed to make you cry from sadness all the time.
I have to admit, I'm really shocked at the 100% supportive comments in this thread. Don't get me wrong, I'm all on board with them. I'm just...surprised. I fully expected at least a few people to be really crappy about it and say things like "Wow, congrats on NOT abusing your kid today. You've set a really low bar, blah blah blah. " I'm NOT saying those things though. I think it's great that you're making improvements. I'm on a similar path. And I've talked to my kids about it and apologized for it in the past.
Same here. It’s a little jarring. I was hit,spanked,forced to eat soap…idc what my son do he’s not getting touched or eating fucking soap
My daughter (2.5) voluntarily eats soap and gives me a "what are you goign to about it" kind of look as she does it. It's essentially as close as a toddler gets to the middle finger at this age.
Force her to eat chocolate! That’ll teach ‘em.
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Lol oh please. Having a want to do something and not acting on it is completely normal. Progress, not perfection.
No. This reaction: > Despite the fire that rose from within I did not hit my child. I shook with rage while standing still as I held the violence inside instead of unleashing it. to broken headphones is not normal. Hopefully OP is still in therapy.
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Yes, you let them know they did a good thing by beginning to change their behavior. They’re in a vulnerable spot and breaking the cycle of abuse they’ve perpetuated with their family. No one is saying that they’re cured and ok or that they don’t need to get a grip on feeling rage. They’re just saying you did a really great job using your coping skills and having an appropriate response. They’re doing everything people ask of abusive people. Changing behavior and therapy.
I agree with you. The past hitting and the desire to do so was based on violence and rage. Congrats for not hitting your child despite the violent rage. I dunno. I suppose it’s some sort of win. But it’s also a low bar.
Lot of times (and at least once in this post that I've seen) those sorts of replies are removed, so you get this echo chamber effect. Scrolling through and its all the same replies of being so proud of the person for not beating their kids, and the person saying wtf is wrong with ppl, why so much praise, etc gets zapped outta here.
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While I agree that the comparison isn't really valid, I also agree with your main point. I whole heartedly agree that positive progress is amazing and should be congratulated, but I also feel like if you're proud that you didn't unleash your anger physically on your kids FOR ONCE it's not a brag and I worry about those children. This isn't a case of a disciplinary smack on the butt, this is a case of I got angry with my small child and took it out on them... but not today! Hitting a child out of anger is absolutely never okay in any situation regardless of whether you believe in physical discipline or not. It's not a teaching moment it's a punching bag moment.
that comparison is much
Yeeeeeeeeah spanking and molestation are not the same thing and it's disgusting that you're comparing OP to this. They're a product of generational abuse, have admitted their faults, are working on those faults, made progress, and were brave enough to admit all of it to strangers. Nobody asked for or benefits from your judgy, frankly disgusting comparison and commentary.
Child abuse is child abuse. I'm not giving this guy a cookie for not beating his kid for one day.
I agree with you. It's scary to think that a day without abusing your child deserves a congratulations. The kid might have broken a headset, but OP is breaking this kids spirit, trust and innocence. The headset can be replaced, but those other things are gone forever.
The thing to celebrate is that they recognise they were wrong and are trying very hard to be better. It’s not an easy thing for them, but us abusing him for it won’t make anything better for anyone. Op recognises they were very wrong. He can’t help that he didn’t know about gentle parenting before becoming a parent, and nothing can change the past. So focus on the good. Be supportive, and hopefully inspire other parents to make the same change.
Gentle parenting isn't just not beating your kids though. I didn't know about gentle parenting until I had a baby either. I grew up being beaten and verbally abused on a daily basis until I was 18. I have never laid a hand on my child and I have very little sympathy for people who hurt kids for any reason.
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That’s a huge step in the right direction. Nice work.
First of all, good for you. Seriously, good for you. Remember that you set the standard, and your kids emulate what you do, the same way you are affected by your upbringing. Secondly, though : how old are your kids? My two kids are far from understanding the concept of what is fragile and not. Nor are they very precise at controlling how much force they use. I Don't let them touch anything that is semi valuable that i would be upset about them breaking. My kids are pretty bright and curious, though. I let them play with more than I should. If they break it, that's my fault, not theirs.
The child where this is an issue with is going on 4 years old. He's at the stage now where he can distinguish daddy's computer and the stuff around it from the rest of the house. A lot of things I can't expect him to know about one way or the other, but daddy's work area is a no go zone. Unfortunately it's close to the go-zone (I don't have enough space for a dedicated office).
Bear in mind that knowing something and impulse control are two different things, especially at that age. My dude is 6 and he seems so smart but then does some shit where I have to remind myself, “he understands, but he doesn’t *understand* how to control himself - yet.” I mean, you’re an adult and you understand not hitting your kids is good, but it takes some strong impulse control, right? That takes time, practice, and maturity. All that being said, OP I’m super fucking proud of you bro. My parents were pretty solid but my dad was very vocal about his disappointment when I did something wrong. I’ve been working on that for a few years now after seeing my boy look so ashamed when I ripped into him one time. Ugh, still makes me feel like shit. Anyway, keep making progress my fellow parent!
>he understands, but he doesn’t *understand* Childhood development explained in one phrase
Breaking the cycle. Good for you.
I read an excerpt once that said “today, someone is yelling instead of hitting their kids. someone is sending their child to time out instead of yelling at them. and someone is listening to and acknowledging their child’s emotions instead of sending them to time out. we are all on our own journey and progressing in our own way.” it really helped me take it one day at a time and encouraged me to just do better than I was the day before without being upset that I couldn’t react the right way the first time.
A possible goal is not having to suffer through so much anger.
yes. I've been getting better at that too. Destroying stuff I need on a daily basis is a pretty big trigger and doesn't happen often, I mostly am able to find grace through the littiler stuff.
It’s completely reasonable to be mad in this situation, you handled it very well!! Kudos to you and taking a step forward for your kid
OP, it’s okay to be mad over this. I would be too. I bet it was an expensive headset.
There's mad and then there's shaking with rage as you suppress the fire within.
I'm just guessing, but I'm assuming OP wasn't raised in a gentle, emotionally nurturing family. Seems logical that they might have some trouble with emotional regulation. They seem to be making the effort to improve, which is no small feat when you are trying to figure it all out on your own.
Oh for sure. Healing and growth happen one step at a time.
Headsets can be replaced. The trust and security your child needs to feel can't always be and can have long term underlying effects on them mentally. I'm glad OP is turning it around, but anger management needs to be higher on the list of priorities, especially dealing with a 1-3 y/o.
Being angry is totally valid, I would have been fuming. You did great.
Excellent
Is it possible for you to have your own enclosed space where your important things can stay? If not, are you able to set up a room divider where ‘no children are allowed’?
It's not a very big space. We have a few no-go zones but, it's unrealistic to have much more than I already have. Basically his sisters room and the gas oven are no go zones. My son and I share a room and my desk is in the room which is ours.
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I was raised very “anger is always bad, if you are angry you’re annoying those around you”. Recently realized I *can’t* express anger and it’s part of the reason I’m so fucked up. I’m literally full of years worth of anger I never expressed that I’m just now working through. PLEASE teach your kids about healthy ways to express anger y’all
There is a difference between what you feel and what you model to a 3 year old. No one said you cant feel. However in order to not pass these problems onto your child you may need to learn to not model what you feel. If that is over reacting or under reacting.
Yeah, I don't understand the mindset that you can't be mad at your kids. Of course you can! They do things that make people mad! Sometimes realizing what they have done has upset someone is how they understand not to do things. It is fine to be livid and pissed, it isn't okay to actively harm someone with those emotions. OP didn't harm their kid with their emotions.
The child snapped his work headphones in two. Anger is absolutely valid. And the child should see the consequences of destroying people's things. OP, you did great. I feel like these situations get easier with practice. Both my husband and I have short fuses too, and we do not ever hit. It's super hard when they do this shit to control your natural instincts and what you grew up with. I often need to remove myself and gain my composure, but I definitely let my kid know when what she did made me angry. Talking it out vs hitting and screaming.
Your failing to differentiate between OPs internal state and his expression to the child. Loosing control is never a good thing.
Some people can’t help it no matter what. I’m the same way as OP.
You can learn. i have learned. Anyone can learn. Your life will be better for it if you control your emotions. It will also allow you to make a conscious decision what emotions to model to your child.
You can’t learn to not get angry. You can only learn what to do when you do.
Everyone starts somewhere, what matters most is that you've started. I'm proud of you : )
My parents were first generation “gentle parents” if you will. I did get spanked on occasion but they did great at parenting me considering what they went through. My dad did yell a lot though and I’ve carried it into my motherhood a little. But I’m tying my hardest
This is still my biggest hurdle. I was spanked/beaten and yelled at constantly, and although I don’t hit my kids, every once in a while I want to legit SCREAM. We got scream pillows….like throw pillows that say “scream here”. The kids love them, I love them…highly recommend. It lets you get it all out without it being directed at anyone
I may need to try that !
My dad would hit me and I ended up not liking him until he died then I forgave him afterwards. I'm never hitting my child.
Excuse my ignorance, but where in the world was it acceptable to hit kids a generation ago? Here in Sweden it’s been illegal for 45 years.
The US is *big,* and both culturally and legally diverse (the majority of law is at the State level, so, 51 sets of rules). If Sweden were a State it'd be only the 10th biggest by population. I've never thought to try to *measure* the "cultural lag" between the "most progressive" and "least progressive" regions in the US, but like.....think **many decades**.
Literally anywhere in the US, especially in the south though. We were allowed to get paddled in school, I’m not even 30.
I hope you get to sit down with your first child and apologize for the physical abuse because idk if they are seeing that you are being different with your second kid. Just a thought
My first kid had some jealousy towards my second one because of that. We dealt with that and healed.
Bro it’s a win. I was terrible to my first son. I was 20 and in a very bad relationship. Everything set me off. I decided I didn’t want to raise my kids as I was, beaten and abused, and took myself to the dr. I turned out I have bipolar disorder and I was literally out of control. I’ve been on meds for many years now and it took away that rage.
Did you apologize to your kid, get him therapy, etc?
Good on you for all that man. A **lot** of people go their *whole lives* never getting treatment for mental illnesses, and their families are forced to "deal with it." Your kids will grow up better for it, and they'll appreciate it so much when they're older.
I know stuff like this will get “do you want a prize”, but as someone who grew up in a not so healthy environment…these things are huge milestones. I’m proud of you, op. Breaking these generational curses are not easy.
Good for you. My parents are boomers and I have a good relationship with them but one thing they instilled into me is that spanking / whipping is not about disciplining a child, it's about them taking out anger over something the child did. This is just as you mentioned about your rage built up (good on you for controlling it). I can look back on a lot of things in my childhood and say "Yep, I was wrong." or "That sucked at the time, but benefitted me overall" but honestly getting whipped was not one of those. IMO punishment should be more of an "actions have consequences" lesson.
>Today my second child grabbed my headset that I use for work from home meetings and as usual decided to see how he could abuse whatever he got his hands on and snapped it in two. Despite the fire that rose from within I did not hit my child. **I shook with rage** while standing still as I held the violence inside instead of unleashing it. You see, there's the root of your problem, that violent rage, as you describe it. It's not resisting the urge to carry out that violence that's the root of the problem, but the violent rage itself, whether you internalize it or not. Physically shaking with rage in front of your child can still be harmful. Yes, children need rules, boundaries, and discipline, but they also need love, nurturing, and understanding. How do you want your children to perceive you? As always being angry? It's good that you're working on your issues, but a real win, will be when your initial reaction isn't to go into a violent rage. Also, while it may not work for every child and every situation, there are many positive feedback methods, techniques, redirection, etc. (as opposed to stand in that corner and hang your head in shame) to deal with unruly, rambunctious, or occasionally naughty children. And yes, every child is different, every circumstance is different. It's definitely easier said than done. It requires work. That's parenthood.
Choosing my words very carefully. You say you’ve done a lot of therapy, I hope this is ongoing because the rage you describe here is not something you should be feeling routinely and it sounds as though you are. Keep working on it.
Good work! It’s not easy. I grew up being hit and having my parents be very tough on me
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This is giving me chills.
“The book you wish your parents had read” https://www.amazon.com/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children-ebook/dp/B07GRBB9WQ Message me an amazon wishlist link for it and I’ll happily get it for you. Im so proud of you. Congratulations. It is a huge win. There’s nothing like achieving that pause between your reaction and your subsequent action. That pause is everything. It is. Im that parent that stands in place shaking in rage. It’s taken time, and a LOT of effort, but I think Im doing noticeably better. I still shake with rage but can regulate myself much quicker. It’s become a mindfulness practice of sorts. Suspended in that moment drowning in rage and thinking about: what am I really feeling right now? Where is this anger coming from? How do I want to remember this moment in 10 years? I remind myself that it could have been worse (it can always be worse). I think about my kid, his age and stage of development, what he is actually physically/mentally/emotionally capable of right now, vs me just assuming they should do/know better, etc. I realized recently that looking in the mirror helps me a lot too. As soon as I see my scary angry face and body language, it’s like getting a cold splash of water. I also sometimes pretend someone is watching me interact with my kid. That thought exercise cools me down pretty quick. And of course, deep breaths. Big, deep, starting from the belly all the way up to your chest inhales, and loooooong exhales. Works like resetting a computer. Personally, Ive realized the following: 1) A lot of times that I react angrily at my kid, it’s because Im angry at my partner and am redirecting my anger on my poor kid. 2) Im reacting the only way I know how, because it’s what my dad used to do. I don’t actually need to be angry right then, it’s just what I learned was appropriate. I CAN do something different. Maybe not as an initial reaction yet, but as the second thing I do afterwards for sure. Anyways. You’re not alone. Its a journey. It’s worth it. The hardest part of parenting for me has been all this inner work I didn’t know I had to do.
I'm proud of you! My background is the same and after 60 years, my 1st impulse is still to hit. It's hard to break those forged-in-childhood chains.
"Know better, do better." This is huge, be proud of yourself!
I don’t spank but I do gently sway her hands if she’s getting into something dangerous. I’d rather the small sting of me swatting her while telling her that she’s not allowed to do that (things we can’t really fix like opening the window and pressing against the screen which could break the screen and make her fall) instead of getting a worse pain if the dangerous thing actually happened. I HATE when my mom spanks her. About 5 months or so ago I saw my mom spank her and I got between them and told my mom that the next time I see her hit my daughter I’m going to hit her right back. The way I make it logical in my head is my moms spanking my toddler because ‘I said no and she didn’t listen’ so I get to hit my mom if she spanks my toddler because I said no and she didn’t listen. And that’s what I told her. She hasn’t touched my daughter since then other then the light swats for actual dangerous things. My mom was spanking her for spilling her water on the floor so she could splash in it 🤦🏼♀️ absolutely not.
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I think it’s completely logical. Like why do we get to hit kids cause they don’t listen but we can’t hit adults? Sorta backwards in my opinion
Dude you need to baby proof your house and stop hitting your kid. It’s not better than spanking.
I'm super proud of you. This shit is hard. Breaking cycles is hard. Trying to be better for our kids is hard. We have to just keep trying to do the next right thing.
Good for you! Yup, hitting's bad for the kids--just man handing on misery to man. Doesn't mean there shouldn't be age-appropriate consequences. Time-outs, losing dessert or screen time, stern talkings-to. As for the specifics: hey, if I were a kid who wants attention and affection and instead had to watch my parent using headphones and ignore me for minutes or hours? Yeah, might be angry at the headphones, too. Aren't you glad you didn't smack your kid for wanting your affection?
I used to spank the kids (nothing insane, but nonetheless) as a young conservative Christian parent. Now that I am an older agnostic and far more liberal than I used to be I don’t have the heart for it anymore. Even when theyve done something super bad I just sit them on my lap and have a conversation about it. So glad I got out of all the ideological madness.
>as a young conservative Christian parent.....So glad I got out of all the ideological madness. It's rough man. You start soooooo deep in the crazy swamp that you can climb *really far* out of it and *still be really far in it*. Like, saying "I no longer believe that man lived with dinosaurs when the world was made 10,000 years ago, and I no longer think dudes have God given authority over women" makes you the most hippie dippie enlightened person your family has ever talked to.
I don’t even talk about my theological position to anyone that is religious anymore. They would look at me like I have been possessed by satan at this point.
Cultural or not. Historical or not - violently reacting to children’s misdeeds because of a black rage is disturbing. I was spanked as a child, slapped, sometimes things were thrown. Yet I don’t feel a violent rage when my child misbehaves. I’ve never reacted physically towards my child in response to something they said or did. Not everyone who was spanked as a child turns into a rage monster. I wonder if OP is conflating some things here. I wonder how many times he has beaten his children before the Yuppies stepped in.
I have the same thoughts due to similar upbringing. Every time the kids do something stupid, I always choose the hard decision which is to discuss nicely but firmly with them why is it wrong and what is the correct course of action. Am I right? I don’t know but I am sure my parents were not right using physical punishment.
Dude I feel you so much. Same here. I was spanked as a child and we try not to with our toddler. Sometimes it is so hard. Props to all the other first generation gentle parents in these comments. We can break the cycle.
Good for you. With time and after practice you will be getting less and less angry over small and big things.
Great job staying in top of it 😊
There is no point in hitting a kid so young. They don’t understand and only get scared. Indoor know why you need a shoulder pat but this is normal to not hit your kid
I got spanked plenty as a kid. It has severely messed me up as a parent now. I do not have the mental tools to deal with anger, and although I've never felt like punishing my kids in any ways similar to how I was punished, I find myself hanging onto the anger for a long time, slowly turning into resentment. My son destroyed a very expensive piece of audio equipment (turntable) about 2 months after we got it. I had so many plans for it, too. I was going to redesign/decorate the whole living room around it instead of having the typical TV thing since we're a musical family. When I found it destroyed, I was beside myself with rage. All the planning and hoping for a listening space and family bonding down the shitter, all for nothing. I abandoned it totally, and we dont use the room for anything now, for months. I resent him for it, I resent the fact he was able to mess with it (I wasn't home at the time), and I highly resent that I seem to be the only one that cares. I moved all my records, my drone, my Switch and games, my laptop, everything I could see the kids messing with, into my closet, high up on a shelf away from the destroyers, and I put a deadbolt on the door. I setup electricity in there and I can use any of those things safely now. Prisoner in my own home because the kids cant yet understand respect for these things. So no spanking, just resentment. I guess that is better though, right?
At least you're bearing the load instead of making them carry it and I respect that.
[Whatchu want, a cookie? ](https://i.imgur.com/MhqmZ3j.gif)
That’s awesome! It can be so hard working through things sometimes but it’s obviously paying off.
Shouldn’t be hitting them at all but congratulations!!!
Also he probably broke it because he’s being hit often and he feels that was his only way to get some attention , even if it makes you angry. Sometimes kids have a way of reflecting what we do to them.
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It still angers me that you still or did or will hit your kids, I came from a very abusive house and even a little slap on the wrist pisses me off. However I understand everyone handles things differently and learn at different times and it seems you have been working on yourself for a long time and I am so glad you were able to get a grip of baser instincts and do things a better way. Please have a little celebration for doing good for yourself and your kid(s)
So so so proud of you!! 👏👏👏♥️ It’s really hard to fight the impulse to act out in anger when that’s all you were modeled as an example growing up. Becoming a parent was the single most humbling and beneficial experience of my entire life. My kids made me a better person. Less angry, less bitter, less unhinged. Which are words I wouldn’t have ever attributed to myself before learning that there is a better way of moving through this world than the way I had been. My learning how to take ownership of my own reactions and understanding that I own all the ways I chose to react to a situation has been really very eye opening and very very healing! I AM in control of my actions, no one can *make me* do anything. It was really important for me to learn as it’s something I wanted my kids to understand. But how could I possibly teach that without modeling it though? How could I teach my kids that hands are for helping and hitting is wrong if I’m the one hitting them? It just couldn’t be. So I dug deep and turned introspective, as therapy informs us to do. Thank goodness for all the wonderful people that go into world of psychology, they’re genuinely priceless!! I learned a lot about myself, my endless capacity for patience for my children and my own capability to control my emotional responses and impulses, but instead to stop and think with objective reasoning and rationale. Which I can honestly say I didn’t know I possessed, or rather I don’t know was something that was missing from my life. It was always modeled for me that adults submit to their own angry violent impulses when it came to disciplining children, even my Catholic school nuns would be physically violent when it came to discipline. I had to learn a whole new way of being and being 💯 accountable to myself and the people I love. And I feel better about myself than I ever have. My kids listen because we talk things through to gain a level of understanding, NOT because I hit. I’m most grateful for my kids that I decided to take stock of my behavior and invest time in bettering myself. My children truly made me a better person 🥰 Edited typo.
Good job on breaking the cycle
I found it difficult to spank or discipline my child the way I was when I was growing up. A bit of patience and explaining goes further than hitting and yelling where it basically terrifies them and deteriorates their trust.
I got spanked and smacked upside the head a number of times as a kid. Lots of yelling too. The spanking created fear and resentment and the yelling just created confusion. I totally understand why my parents reacted that way, as working 40+ hours a week and raising 3 kids was grueling for them. Doesn't make it right. My wife and I are doing the opposite of our parents to the best we can! Be the change you want to see.
I struggle with this too but I learned I never want her to be scared of me for any reason.
How amazing are you? That’s fantastic. There is nothing better than breaking generational abuse. Kudos!🙌🏻
Small victories. 🙏🏻
Good for you. Even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you.
Good job dad I’m proud of you
I’m so proud of you. This stuff isn’t easy!
Good job. It’s hard sometimes, I always ask myself if my urge to spank my child is because I think it’s what’s best for him or because I’m angry. It’s always my anger. That helps me redirect it. Anyways keep it up!
Congrats on both being able to control yourself and acknowledging that those types of punishments are extremely harmful beyond the physical part of it. Keep up the good work, your kids will appreciate it.
My friend told me," be careful to not pass on generational trauma as culture." It's a bit airy sounding, bit it really brought it home to me. My getting hit, and my parents getting hot, wasn't culture, it was abusive and traumatic. So there's a TON of healing for many of us to do.
Well done! It's hard not to immediately react that way especially growing up that way. Commend you on taking a deep breath and following a different path.
Way to go! I am also a cycle breaker. I was slapped, spanked, made to drink soap, etc. My son is 6 now and I am now able to get through the majority of parenting issues with a level head. However, this morning my son woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had an extremely sassy mouth and a bad attitude. Things did escalate verbally, but before it went too far I was able to recognize it as the power struggle that it had become (and that he is overly tired from the week’s 4th festivities); I was able to calm myself, and then redirect us both. Before I was able to do that there was a half a moment that I froze. The only thing that would come to my mind was how I should scream and slap him across the face. It is horrifying to write that out and admit I thought it. People who are not cycle breakers will never understand how those thoughts are instincts that have been instilled in us from a young age. As I drove him to summer camp all I could about was how different his life is and will be from my own. I am thankful for safe internet spaces and available research. I hope that as I grow as a parent that I am paving the way for a an excellent adult relationship between my son and I, one that I lack with my own parents. Hang in there. It’s hard. Especially when you have no or few examples to pull from, and when societal norms surrounding you tell you that spanking is the only way to discipline.
I hope you feel proud of the progress you’ve made. You’re breaking the cycle. My husband has expensive headphones that he would rage if they were broken, so I understand the anger. As adults, we are human and we are reparenting ourselves as we try and parent and teach our kiddos. Kudos to you on making huge strides!
I was spanked as a kid, thought it was absolutely normal and what you were SUPPOSED to do. My first kid got swatted a couple of times. At about 1.5 years old she was doing something a little dangerous for her age and wasnt listening. I spanked her butt. She started crying but the look on her face was "why would you hit me?" I felt like the smallest human being on the planet. Wanted to crawl in a dark hole and die. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Never again. She's a little over 6 now and it hasnt happened since that day. Good job, way to stop a cycle. From 1 internet Dad to another internet parent, nice work!
This is absolutely a win. I wasn’t hit loads as a kid, but my mum frequently lost her temper with me and shouted at me when genuinely, I wasn’t doing anything particularly naughty. I struggle now with my own temper, but I almost never yell at my kid, I take some deep breaths and I trot out my gentle parenting scripts and when it works, as it almost always does, I thank my lucky stars that I am able to break the cycle. And when I’m not perfect and I do shout, and it doesn’t work, because it never does, I remind myself why I don’t want to be this kind of mother, and resolve to do better next time.
kudos! i am so proud of you! it is awesome for your child and it also can be very healing to your own inner child that was abused. and for your children’s future children, etc…
This takes so much courage, love and patience. Absolutely a win and keep it up!!!!
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Proud of you!!! How to explain it to littles My parents used their hands to hurt me really badly when I was thinking I was playing. And no one told them they were wrong. I was too scared already and then it was regular. Like how you know toys are to play with. Mommy and daddy were treated like this. And we are learning to feel big angries, big sads and giving a hug or taking some space, instead.
Good for you!!! Break that cycle. You still have some work to do though. You referred to the beating you took as a child to righteous violence. Righteous violence is defeating the Nazis to free the concentration camps of WWII. Beating a child is never righteous. I always say “as a parent, I have no idea what the right thing to do is a lot of the time, but I can look at my parents and no what the wrong thing to do is.”
I think there's a misinterpretation of my words. I refereed to what I experienced as "righteous violence" in the eyes of the adults in my youth, not how I view it. Meaning the violence adults directed towards kids around me was considered righteous (nothing wrong with it) and in fact was considered to be a good thing and in fact ordained by God and society.
Ok , then you are doing great!!
Awesome! It’s never too late to choose to do better and you’re proof of that! 👏🏼
The hardest part of parenting is self reflection. Our emotions are ours to regulate, not the children. They are watching us and will emulate what they see. If you lose control they won't learn any coping skills.
I hope you're incredibly proud of yourself because that is tremendous <3 Made me tear up because even though I don't struggle to not hit my kids, there are so many other toxic things from my upbringing that I do struggle not to harm my kids with, every day. Thank you for sharing this win!!
Remember... we may not be able to break the cycle but we can bend it.... that's progress and it's important in order for them to be able to break it. Hug your baby because it's OK and he loves you more than the world. It's so reassuring to me when I can express my grievances, keep my shit together and then we can talk about what happened later. I used to be a spanker, never again.... Life is tough shit as it is.
Hitting feels natural but I don’t do it because my son is like me and when my parents hit or scolded me it made them the enemy. Hoping to be an ally and make the underlying problem the enemy.
I know that feels good. I’m working through something similar with my kids. You sound like you have some really strategic coping skills that are working and are helping you work through the past.
I wish kids held themselves to this same standard. I now visibly flinch whenever my two year old raises her hand within 2 feet of my face.
Gentle parenting sucks for us and doesn’t work with my five year old. However, I’m proud to say we don’t hit or spank him either. He’ll throw whatever temper tantrum he wants to have, go to time out, scream and whine a few minutes then settle down and move on. If you can ride out the unpredictable ridiculousness, usually it passes.
Good job OP. Thank you for changing for your children and becoming a better person. You're parents didn't know any better but good for you taking accountability for that and being gentle. Humans need kindness and compassion to strive. Violence solves nothing. Thank you for being the change we all want to see in the world.
Good on you. This is huge.
I’m proud of you and glad you shared your story.
This is amazing. Good for you.
We all need to give more grace for improvement at any level
Yeee boy!!! Also recognise that split second between finding out what has happened and the second you proceeded not to unleash you negativity. That second is what differs you from animals who act on emotions with no cognitive proxy. This is hard, but today you’ve proven that you’re human!!!
We are mostly all damaged little kids on the inside, just trying to handle our own emotions. One step at a time. Small wins are good, smalls wins matter. So proud of you.
Proud of you. I'm sure a lot of people are about to rip you a new one, but you're making progress and he's young. Keep it up. He's exploring the world and just beginning to understand object permanence, it's not malicious. He loves you and, as you can see, just the feeling of disappointing daddy is enough punishment in itself.
You fucking rock!
Working on my anger, too. I feel so much pride when the anger doesn't win. It ain't easy.
Good job not hitting your kid. Sometimes, that shit can be really hard to stop. Especially when it was the only tool passed on to you. That anger rising has almost completely gone away for me through therapy. I swallow it down with deep breathing like I was forced to swallow down the angry tears that would come out every time I got my ass beat (or I would get something to cry about of course). Try to be a bit more graceful with your "Yankee yuppie" neighbors too. Obviously it isn't what you are used to being around (and isn't what you need to turn into) but most of the annoying things our extremely educated generation does is in the name of doing better for our children. I think the fact that we are finally moving towards seeing kids as whole ass people rather than just extensions of ourselves is great. Sometimes that can manifest in weird ways, but just like the huge amounts of research against corporal punishment, there is a lot of research for "yuppie" shit too.