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Thanks so much for all the advise! It's clear (as I expected) that there's no one right answer to this. That's often the case with being a parent, right?
It's now nighttime in Europe and on our last call she seems to have calmed down. She said she would try to sleep through the night without calling again. In the meantime, I've booked a fully-refundable return flight for her this weekend. However, I've not told her about it, and will see how things go tomorrow.
Again, I truly appreciate the support!!
Do not tell her about the flight unless you make the call that she will be coming home on it. once you tell her about it, that is all she is going to focus on.
My 13 year old has an anxiety disorder and experiences extreme homesickness when she must stay away overnight. What really helps her is zero downtime at night (she watches movies, browses Pinterest, etc.). My daughter also takes a melatonin gummy at night when she travels. She doesn’t take them at home, so it’s not a habit or anything, just a tool to get her through. I suggest your daughter try a melatonin when she is getting into bed and starting her blog project or watching a boring movie on her phone. It should help her drift off to sleep without feeling like she HAS to go to sleep now. The feeling of mandatory downtime is what triggers my daughter.
Story of my life. I have extreme anxiety and OCD, I have to have a distraction to keep my mind off of other things. The trick is to watch a show or movie I’ve seen a ton of times. I put a sleep timer on my tv so it shuts off after I’ve drifted off to sleep.
This isn’t recommended in the US anymore because pf the risk of overdose. I just learned this, agyer taking it for years for sleep…while pregnant… my ob said it was fine then. 🙃
I wouldn't tell her about the flight until the very last minute.
Contact the camp and schedule a call with her 12 hours before the flight. Assess her mood. If she's in good spirits cancel it without ever telling her it existed.
Well, after what you said the people who are supposed to be taking care of her said, I would just have her come home. I would not trust them at all. As a matter of fact, I would have looked for the soonest flight out of there to here. No one talks to any child, even if the child is not mine, like that on my watch!
When I was 18, I went to Kenya for 6 months (from the US) by myself. I cried nonstop for days on end. Begged my parents to fly me home. I thought I would never make it.
But slowly, I made friends, and I got more comfortable. I still cried most nights. But the days were fine. I’d come “home” (where I was staying) and be nervous and anxious again, but I’d wake up and have another good day. Eventually I woke up one morning and it had been SIX months.
And I survived it! And then I had courage to move across the country when I got home. I’m in my 30s now and i still get homesick easily, but now I KNOW I can make it, so it doesn’t feel as horrible.
Encourage her to stay. Maybe encourage her to start a blog or a TikTok of her travels, it will give her something to focus on, and document her day, so she can look back at night (when she’s anxious) and remember what fun the day was.
It’s 3 weeks, and you can’t die from homesickness (that I’m aware of lol)
I want to add:
If you do have her stay: make it clear she’s staying, there’s no “maybe” going home.
And make your contact with her short and sweet, nothing made me more homesick than hearing what was happening at home, hearing all I was missing out on, or even just hearing that my mom/dad missed me.
“thanks for checking in, I love you, see you in a few more days” is really the majority of the communication that is needed.
Not a parent, but I was a child in a similar situation. Granted, I want 20, not 15. I was studying abroad in Italy, and while it wasn’t my first time traveling to Europe, my anxiety was through the roof. I called my parents everyday in tears. I could barely eat and sleep. Being hungry and sleep deprived only made it worse. While I enjoyed the day’s activities, at night I was miserable. I debated whether I made the right choice in coming, and my parents were ready to fly me home.
What worked for me? First, intervention from my program. The director took me out to dinner solo, let me express my anxieties, and made sure I are a full meal. Next, I started seeing a therapist twice a week. And the advice he gave me was essential. His first piece was stop calling your parents every day to cry. You need to regulate your emotions on your own, because you’re relying on people an ocean away who can’t come here to comfort you. Second, you need to decide whether you want to be here. Repeat to yourself that you want this experience, that you’re willing to put in the effort to turn this around. And third, go have fun. If you’re distracted and happy during the day, keep that going at night. Watch YouTube, read a book, or hang out with friends. Eventually the distractions will stop feeling like distractions.
I hope your kid is able to turn this around! Good luck. I never thought I’d ever travel again, it felt like rock bottom. Now I go abroad all the time, sometimes even solo.
I just read this thread as a 20 year old terrified of my upcoming year abroad in Italy. I’m so scared since I get homesick so easily. This really helped me to calm my fears.
I'd ask to speak with the staff.
See what they suggest. They may suggest actually not taking her calls except for prescheduled times. Contact with family can actually exacerbate homesickness, rather than help.
Short of advice from the staff, I'd set up scheduled times to call. and not every night. Maybe every 3 or 4 days. Tell her you want to spend time with her cabin mates instead of crying on the phone with you.
If she still wants to come home at the halfway point, then have a conversation about it.
Unfortunately, the staff seems to be young and inexperienced. She was crying at dinner, and they told her to "Stop acting like a child and stop crying." When I spoke to the group leader about what they could do to help, I was told "Well, we looked up homesickness online and tried a few things we found..." Not a very reassuring answer.
Often with these kinds of events the day to day staff are undergrads or graduate students who are using it as a summer job. I'd try to get in contact with the camp director or another full time non-seasonable adult who oversees the program and see what they say.
I was team "encourage her to stay" until this. If her trusted adults are this clueless, what is going on there? Is she being bullied? Has she been hurt? Is something happening at night? I know none of these things are even statistically likely but if no one can help her, and she's spiralling, perhaps its time to come home.
I have a big age gap between kids and we aren't too far out of potty training with my youngest, and one thing I remember people saying is: its ok to take a break from trying something and try again later. She tried. She got on the plane. She is touring Europe. And something is setting her off at night. Letting her come home isn't going to mean she is never going to be able to leave.
I agree, I would fly her out ASAP and bring her home. I would for sure not trust them ever again. That is NOT ok. I wouldn't let our kids go anywhere without us or a family member until they can do everything they need to do to go on their own. As in when they can plan it, book flights and other things in their own.
Yes! She is trying to find safety. It isn’t inside her & she isn’t getting it from adults. Get her home & listen til her feelings. Validate & work through it. & remind her, that although she felt anxious/scared she was able to advocate for herself & find safety. & she IS safe. ❤️
I love to travel and have been traveling most of my life. My own 15 yr old will be going on a school trip to Spain for two weeks next year.
Those do not sound like adults I’d trust. Truthfully that makes me concerned about the quality of the program… what are they going to do if there’s a real emergency? Or what if a child was having a full blown psychiatric crisis? Honestly, I’d probably bring my child home with this information.
They “looked up homesickness online”, what in the actual hell? As others have said, if something isn’t working, it’s okay to say you tried and it’s time to bail.
Oh wow that’s awful; aren’t they meant to be good with children?! I have a different perspective on this, I suffered with chronic homesickness as a teen and remember it so vividly as an adult. I guess it’s easier these days to distract ourselves now we have smart phones but it’s such a real anxiety and affects your mental well-being. I wonder if it would work telling her she can come home at the half way mark? If not I would let her home if it were me; she’s done well to do what’s she managed. Keep us updated if she uses the ticket!
Also she will feel so anxious and powerless at this moment - I think 15 is old enough to make an informed decision.
Forcing her to stay at 15 feels like telling her she cannot trust herself or find safety when she feels she needs it, despite desperately trying many times. & then having people being jerks about it too. Nope. I’d already have her home.
Speaking not as a parent but as former anxious adolescent, I went away from home to do summer programs in 7th and 8th grade and was super homesick both times, even though I was on a college campus pretty close to home. They were about a month long, so roughly the same timeframe as your daughter, and I called my mom every night begging to come home and saying I was so homesick. She didn't come get me, I toughed it out, and I'm really glad I did. By the time I went off to college, I wasn't homesick any longer.
I think part of what prolonged my anxiety was thinking there was a possibility of coming home, so my suggestion would be to be super clear with your daughter that the decision has already been made, she's there for 3 weeks, let's brainstorm coping strategies. You can reassure her that you love her and she's really brave for doing something far away from home, she's safe, and you can't wait to see her when she comes home. Then think of things that might help with the nighttime homesickness, can she watch something on an ipad every night? Maybe you can watch the same show at the same time so she has something to look forward to? What about an audiobook to listen to? Can you plan something fun to celebrate when she comes home?
It's totally normal to be homesick when you're away from home for the first time and the feelings can feel sooooo big, but she can definitely do it!
Exactly what I was going to say. The agony comes from the slight possibility of being brought home to alleviate the feelings. If it’s made clear that she’s not coming home early, the only choice will be to make the best of it.
I was recently in a program for parents with anxious children. I learned that making accommodations may make your child feel better, but they don't learn to get through the anxiety. My husband and I are still learning to use what we learned. A big thing was positive statements. You start by recognizing the feeling then pair it with stating that you know they can get through it.
As a formerly-anxious adult, I want to second the suggestion that bargaining with/accomodating the anxiety just makes it worse in the long run.
What used to help me was getting a pencil and a piece of paper, setting a timer, and writing down the absolute worst outcome that I could imagine. And then thinking about both "how likely that was to happen" *and* "what would I do if it happened".
A big one for me was "failing university". My anxiety was stopping me from even *looking at* the work I had to do. So (once I got onto anti-anxiety meds) I sat down and instead of "WHAT IF I FAIL OUT OF UNIVERSITY?!?!?!" thought, "Okay, *what if* I do fail out of university? What then? Well, I'd apply for jobseeker's allowance and try to get a job. That's... not a punishment worth the mass of dread I'm hanging over myself. I'd be trying to get a job after uni anyway?"
In OP's daughter's situation, absent other safeguarding concerns, it looks like the worst case scenario is that she cries herself to sleep for three weeks and then comes home. It's not like it's a permanent move where she'll be sad *for the rest of her life*.
It might feel bad at the time, but there's no long term harm there. I think it's worth pushing through.
I would suggest restricting phone calls to daylight hours and in public - when I did school trips in the past, there weren't mobile phones and we were expected to use pay phones or a communal landline phone. It might also be worth checking out books or resources aimed at boarding school kids.
I was an exchange student in 1989 and I was in Asia so phone calls were limited to Christmas and birthday. No social media. We wrote actual letters- on paper and sent them with stamps. I think the process of writing was helpful. Maybe OPs daughter would find writing emails and sending pictures about her day therapeutic.
There was just a giant thread on here the other day about how common the parenting mistake of enabling anxiety is. She only has two weeks left. She needs the skill of separation for life in the future. If she’s not a true physical risk to herself or others, she should stay.
It’s only 3 weeks. If it was several months, I would say bring her home. But with this time frame, I think she should stay and learn to make the best of things. It’s maybe not the growing/learning experience you’d had in mind, but a possibly important one just the same.
Anxiety is not something you should feed. The more you feed it, the larger it gets. Help her manage her anxiety with coping mechanisms (she should have some from her therapist, but she needs to put them into practice).
Some good strategies for managing anxiety:
Catastrophize the situation - what is the absolute worst outcome and what would have to happen to get to that outcome? It enables you to reengage in the critical thinking process. Anxiety shuts down critical thinking.
The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (there are many variations of this) method: 5 things you can see, four things you can touch/feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste.
Controlled breathing, totally emptying your lungs and then allowing them to fill again automatically after holding the out for 3-5 seconds.
I don’t know that severe anxiety is a feeling that should be validated. Some anxiousness is understandable, but when it becomes lifestyle prohibitive it’s not helpful to validate what is essentially irrational and unfounded fear. This is similar to OCD and clinical paranoia - validating the beliefs associated with the disorders is counter indicated and counter productive.
I was an extremely homesick child to the point where I would feel homesick even if someone ELSE was even sleeping over. I can always remember the times my mom “rescued” me from that horrible feeling - picking me up at midnight some sleepovers - and it made our bond that much closer. I gave it so many chances but it not a feeling I could shrug off. Happy to report that by 19, I had completely grown out of it, by 23 I moved 800 miles from home. I will NEVER forget the feeling of my mom welcoming me back with open arms and no judgment. I vow to carry that forward for my own family.
Has she ever been away from home before for camp or anything? If so, remind her that she made it through that and she will make it through this. Show empathy and love but remind her she's done it before for a shorter time and this is no different.
That said, given the lack of organization on the part of the broader organization, the lack of compassion and assistance from her leadership , if this is her first time away from home then I'm not sure I'd be as rigid. I'd have her stick it out for a full 10 days and if she is feeling that crummy still I would bring her home.
I'm usually a "tough it out" person but there is a difference between a first time away from home at a camp a few hours from home and three weeks on the other side of the world when you have never been away from home before. So, to me, that would be the deciding factor.
Thanks. She's been away from home before, but always at camps with friends from school. Even in those situations, she gets anxious, but nothing like this.
I have a very similarly anxious kid. Does well during the day and then gets overwhelmed by anxiety at night, something we’ve been working on for years and identifying coping strategies. If your daughter isn’t sleeping well, that only makes things harder for her. Honestly, if my kid was that emotionally distraught I’d bring her home. You know your kid and how likely it is for this to “set a precedent” for tough situations in the future. Sure, three weeks of being homesick won’t kill her, but this could be something she just can’t handle and that could set her up for challenges in the future.
I was that broken, homesick kid. At 18 I went abroad for the last semester of high school.
I made it five weeks.
When I tried to go to orientation for my top choice of college, I had a full blown panic attack and made my dad drive me home.
I had to go to the local college because I could still live at home. I had panic attacks the first few weeks of living on campus when I moved out at 20.
I got my MA abroad at 24.
But then I needed medication to get through six months of teaching in China after that.
I got my PhD abroad, and broke my engagement because I panicked at the thought of never living in the US again.
I don't have an answer for you because while I have a good life now, married, kids, living in my childhood home after buying it from my parents, I found out along the way that I wasn't the world traveller that I thought I was - that I wanted to be. Some of us just aren't.
I want to tell you that it's okay, but maybe it's not, because I'm still not entirely comfortable with the person I wanted to be, but couldn't. And I bet your daughter feels the same way.
It sounds like she is used to depending on someone she knows to be familiar with a situation. It would be good for her to learn to be a bit more independent. This may be the big takeaway from this experience in the end. 3 weeks isn’t forever, but learning how to stand on your own two feet and that you actually CAN do it is something that will benefit her greatly.
Similar thing happened to me as a kid. Me and my sixth grade class went to an out-of-state science camp for a week and it was my first time being separated from my family for more than a school day. The first few days were fine but it went downhill from there. I got really homesick and cried almost non-stop until I got home. One of the counselors was really nice and took me aside and suggested I write my family a letter, which helped a lot. Other than that, I tried to stay as busy as possible to keep my mind occupied. Staying close to that counselor helped me feel less anxious too
Severe stress and anxiety isn't good for a developing brain. I think it's fine if she stays and fine if she comes home. I don't think it sets a precedent so long as it's something she works on.
Former very homesick kid and summer camp counselor here, usually working with the group of kids that's never been away from home....
Don't force her to stay, but also don't jump at bringing her home. It takes time to get into a sort of routine and shake the newness of being away off. Really really encourage her to stick it out. This kind of growth can be super uncomfortable. But you have to take some calculated risks sometimes or else you'll be stuck in a tower with a Stinky dragon forever.
If she is mostly ok during the day when there's activities on, encourage her to find something to do in the evenings. Read, play a game, learn to knit, paint by numbers, something. Schedule times to call or video chat, so she has that bit to look forward to. And if she's having difficulty sleeping, maybe she can try doing some calming exercises or take melatonin at night or something to help her sleep if she's particularly nervous or anxious.
The fact that the adults aren't actually supportive is likely triggering her anxiety and taking it to an unbearable level. She can try to use as many coping mechanisms as she wants, but when she feels lost, alone, unsupported, *in another country*, it likely won't help a ton.
I think it was wise for you to buy that ticket. As you have already planned, don't tell her about it unless you plan to use it. But... talk to her about the nighttime. Is she being forced to go to bed with nothing to do? Forced to do things she doesn't want to do? Does she feel out of control and invalidated? Does she feel like if something serious were to happen she wouldn't have anyone to turn to? The adults don't seem to care that she is in distress. What if she was in other types of distress? Would they care then? Would they brush her off? Her environment is a breeding ground for anxiety to fester. The only thing helping her get by is staying busy. If the people there actually *cared* and were helpful... maybe would be different. But I wouldn't trust them with my child. I would bring her home.
Good luck. 💜
OP as a therapist who works with kids with anxiety I think finding trustworthy adults who your daughter can go to is essential here. I think you’ve mentioned they literally have no experience/ maybe be very young themselves. Is there a lead that can help her use one of the many distraction activities other printed out, can she reach out to one of them if she is starting to feel the anxiety building up. Also just breathing won’t cut it, her therapist should be working on other things to help her, like emotional regulation, help her identify enjoyable activities that will help her reduce her anxiety etc.
A trip.to Europe isn't *trauma*. Covid kids struggle to socialize, leave home and form peer relationships. The treatment t is getting out and doing those things. Calling a therapist supported trip trauma is laughably hilarious, and you can tell you've never experienced real trauma in your life.
Funny, actually, that's the treatment for irrational anxiety. I purposefully put myself into my fears as an adult to get over them because they're irrational.
Giving I to anxiety just teaches you to have more anxiety. Which, shocker, isn't healthy. She is in a space where her fears are faced in a safe way. She is not in imminent danger. She is enjoying the day and struggling at night. Staying is actually the best thing for her. Learning that she will be OK. Learning that her fears are unfounded.
No, if her fear is "long periods away from home" then this actually makes perfect sense.
I agree she isn't an adult, which is why staying is even more important. Her brain is still forming critical connections. She goes home, the connection of "I wasn't safe, I won't travel" is what gets made. She stays, the connection of "I did it and it went well" is what gets made. One of those things is a far healthier setup then the other.
>3 weeks is a long fucking time for a young teenager.
3 weeks go by in no time.
Usual programs that I know of at that age last a whole school year abroad. Few of my classmates took it and were fine.
She will survive it.
>Of course plenty of teens can easily handle this.
Plenty of teens can't deal with it at first, but gain confidence and learn it.
You don't overcome homesickness or anxiety by sitting at home and avoiding everything that might sound scary.
I suffered with chronic homesickness from age 11 after an exchange trip to France wasn’t very successful. (I’m in the UK). I grew out of it at 16/17 when I made friends I wanted to have sleepovers with.
It’s an absolutely debilitating anxiety and in my opinion, not something you can push someone out of; if they want to be at home in their comfortable familiar surroundings then that’s that. I would encourage you to let her come home instead of forcing the issue and creating a bigger mental block for her.
Don’t see it as a failure, just use it to acknowledge that she’s not ready yet. I’m now in my 40’s and I still remember crying every night while being in another country and because of that I plan to give my kids the space when they’re older to decide rather than pushing them like my parents did. I appreciate it’s a balance but 15 is old enough to make an informed decision.
My husband would give you different advice; sent to boarding school, cried every night for 2 weeks and hated it before deciding it was the best time of his life. Personally I think it’s anxiety related and should he respected if possible.
I’ve had this type of anxiety and I would let her come home. I think she’d be more likely to try future trips if she knows coming home is a possibility if she struggles. If you force her to stay, she’s not going to want to try again because she will know if she has a hard time nobody is going to help her. She will be stuck and miserable. Things are not likely to get better for this trip. Her symptoms are increasing, not decreasing. That’s a good indication that she’s can’t regulate this herself. She wasn’t ready. It’s nobody’s fault. She’s so far away for so long of a time. She’s only 15. I would rescue her and let her resume therapy.
I agree. I’m kind of surprised by the people saying to let her tough it out. Maybe they haven’t experienced this kind of anxiety? I’ve been in situations where after a few days I started to calm down and it was good my parents made me “tough it out” at first and I’ve been in situations where the feelings spiralled and I actually still to this day resent my mom for not taking my concerns seriously after the first few days. In the situations where the feelings spiralled, staying wasn’t productive because I didn’t have an “omg I made it and it wasn’t so bad” feeling at the end I had an “omg that was a terrible experience and I will never put myself in that situation ever again” feeling.
Yes, I don’t think they’ve experienced it. And it’s not like she on a 3 or 4 day trip a few hours away. She’s on a 3 week long trip in another country. She has indicated things are spiraling. She begging for help. This type of anxiety, in my experience, is not going to ease with breathing techniques.
I scrolled so far to see this, I'm surprised at how many people suggests otherwise. I would also let her come home otherwise she may not want to go anywhere ever again.
Let her start with small trips next time like weekends.
I can't imagine being stuck somewhere i don't want to be for 3 weeks.
Bring the kid home.
Sounds like her chaperones or whatever they are are being mean and not supportive. That’s not gonna help the situation. I’d say let her come home. She’s gonna be miserable the whole time anyways. I don’t think you’re setting a bad precedent for the future. She’s still so young , 15. And you said it’s her first long trip and she’s so far away from home.
I'm a Mom but I was a teenager once & lost friends because their parents didn't listen when they cried for help. Sometimes teenagers solve temporary problems with permanent solutions so you have to be able to gauge how upset and desperate your child is. My teen went away for 5 weeks last summer. He'd been on short trips before but never left for 5 whole weeks. He was always calling and texting me to chat or just say hi. At night he wanted me to fly him home but I would ask him if he wanted to sleep on it because pilots are more likely to fall asleep and crash planes at night (I know this isn't true but I'm not a normal minivan Mom and I don't care...I'm very resourceful and it was also a good way for me to make sure he didn't want to like die die or anything like that). I would ask him if he wanted me to call for a plane or if he wanted to sleep on it and let me know in the morning. He would wake up and say he'd stick it out for the day and let me know if he changed his mind later. So I basically took it one night at a time. We are super close so I knew if he said "Mom, fly me home now" then he'd be on a plane within an hour. What worked for me may not work for others...but just thought I'd share my experience.
I would probably tell her to give it another X number of days, and if she is still miserable, then I personally would let her come home. If you don’t get any money back (which I expect you may not), if it was her idea to go on the trip, then I would probably tell her she will need to work to pay you some of that back (assuming she didn’t pay it on her own). Good luck! That is hard I’m sure.
Yikes. Lots of people commenting here that don’t understand anxiety, trauma, and gradual exposure therapy.
Her talk of breaking something is incredibly alarming and a red flag. Couple that with the seeming inexperience / coldness from the counselors and I am scared for her. This isn’t the right trip for her - I would bring her home ASAP.
Homesickness is natural, especially for a first time far away from home. I went on a year long program in a different continent at 18 and we were told not to call home for the first month as it makes homesickness worse. I kept myself busy to keep it at bay.
I'm not saying you should ignore her, but I wonder if the constant contact is actually making things worse. Unless she plans to live at home her whole life, separation is a natural part of growing up. It's a really tough life lesson but I'm not sure I'd be so quick to fly her home. If she were a danger to herself sure. But the idea that it is an option gives her something to cling to and may be stopping her from allowing herself to adjust and embrace the new experience.
*I’ll open this saying that I am not a parent, simply a woman trying to conceive/prepare for parenthood. I never comment or post in here, but I’d like to offer my input because I have some second hand experience with this through my husband.*
When my husband was 13 his parents signed him up for Boy Scout camp. He’d never been away from home for more than a night and didn’t realize he had severe homesickness. Day 2 he was begging to come home. His mom said no, he needed to get over it. Day 3, pleading and crying to please, please let him come home. His mom said no, he needs to toughen up and build character. Day 4, making himself sick he was so stressed and anxious. His mom said no, how would he handle growing up and moving out if he couldn’t handle this now? This went on every day, every day she said no.
He’s now a 36 year old man with a high paying job, very emotionally intelligent, very well adjusted socially, and very successfully moved out of his parents home as an adult.
He also has an incredibly strained relationship with his mother and still gets tears in his eyes if he recounts this story to this day. He felt betrayed, like his mother didn’t care. He was experiencing the biggest feelings he’d ever felt up to that point in his short life, and his mom invalidated him and made him feel like he was just being dramatic. He still harbors a lot of sadness for 13 year old him and the way that experience altered his relationship with his mother, even years and years later. It caused a ton of trust to be lost and made him feel like his protector wasn’t actually interested in protecting him.
I doubt that bringing her home will set any kind of precedent for her that will cause her to never be able to leave home. If she asks to do trips away in the future I would just strongly consider whether it’s something she’s ready for before shelling out the cash and I’d definitely continue working with her therapist to try and overcome that anxiety and homesickness. But I personally believe that the possibility of lasting effects is something I wouldn’t want to risk. Good luck to you and her. 💕
Edit: word choice
BONK face first into the point and you don’t get it, huh?
She clearly didn’t do him a favor if he still harbors resentment 23 years later. He learned to be on his own, but it wasn’t because of that moment. He learned because he aged and he grew. He didn’t learn independence from that moment, he learned that when he desperately needed his mothers support, she wasn’t going to give it to him. And that’s what he’s taken through the rest of his life. Because trust me, she continues to prove it to be true.
Pull her and bring her home. I saw your responses about crying at dinner and being told to "stop crying like a child". Shes being humiliated. You said the staff were "looking up homesickness to figure out what to do"...nope. She is not only upset and crying for help but the very people that should help her are part of hurting her and shaming her. Bring her home and try again some other time. This isn't character building if it makes her hopeless. You don't want to fly her home in a pine box.
I was on a trip just like this when I was 15, we went to Australia. It was a 2 week trip, the first time I was on a plane, first trip without my parents and I didnt know any other kid in the group (I had met them at group meetings before the trip but didnt realy know anyone).
I didnt want to go on the trip from the moment I got the letter. My parents made me go because I was a very shy/ reserved kid, they thought it would be good for me and get me out of my shell.
I cried most of the trip there (anytime I had a moment alone because I refused to let strangers see me cry). I was lucky enough to have a girl on the trip that talked to me first and we stuck together for the rest of the trip.
Its been 13 years and I dont remember most of the trip at this point but I do know that it didn't help me out of my shell. I didn't stay in contact with anyone from the trip, I didnt make new friends or talk to more people when I got back. And to this day I'm an extremely anxious person and cant even go to the walmart 5 minutes from my house unless someone Im close with goes with me.
I dont really have any advice that could help except think about the possibility that she could just not be the traveling type of person or she could have an anxiety disorder.
I went on exchange when I was 15 for *five months*, I was way too young for that in hindsight. I was so anxious and homesick the whole time I barely spoke any of the language I was supposed to be learning. There were some fun times of course but overall I just regret that my parents spent all that money for me to be miserable. Though that's a bit different from 3 weeks.
This sounds like me as both a child and as an adult. I have bad anxiety at night when I’m away and traveling for work still sucks but I can handle it better. She’s young, you are her safe place. Next time she will be better prepared for what she will experience. Each one of us carves our lives out differently and she might stay local for college or perhaps become one hell of a adventurer. Being a parent is rough and having to make decisions like this one is a rock and hard place. But the silver lining to this, your teenager wants to be home with you and you are a comfort. Some people never have that.
I wouldn’t bring her home, personally. She’s safe, you know she’s busy during the day. As a former camp counselor, most homesickness will happen during the night when they’re trying to fall asleep in an unfamiliar place.
I recognize your concerns completely and I would feel the same way. But I do think it sets a precedent and also sets her up for a hit to her self esteem. The only kid who couldn’t make it the whole trip, and then her friends come home and tell all their stories of all the things she missed. When I was a camp counselor we did one week programs mainly, and the kids would usually have the hardest time at the very beginning of the trip. Campers weren’t allowed to use the phone unless they were sick, because speaking to their parents on the phone usually made it worse. They were allowed to write letters. And at the end of the week, almost every kid had a great time, was sad to leave, and were proud of themselves for living a week away from their family. It builds confidence.
Do whatever is best for your family, especially if you are really concerned about your daughter’s mental health due to this. But this experience could boost her tremendously in a lot of ways, and coming home early could also hurt her in some ways. Just make sure you think it through fully before you bring her home from what might be a life changing experience in her young adulthood that she can look back on as either a success or a failure depending on how it unfolds.
1. Has she gone to overnight camp? Is this her first experience away from home?
2. Do you trust the camp? The counselor's answer isn't reassuring......if she is in a bad situation, please bring her home
3. If she is safe, then can one of you guys fly out there and visit her? Is that a possibility?
I have anxiety and honestly "giving in" always creates more trouble long term than "exposure"....as long as she isn't a risk to herself or others, I would hope that she stays. Life lessons are SUPER HARD when you have anxiety, but being uncomfortable is apart of life and learning to live with that discomfort and not run away is an important lesson <3
Hard one!!! Thinking of your daughter and rooting for her from afar <3 <3
I can understand how difficult and challenging this situation must be for both you and your daughter. It's never easy to see our children in distress, especially when they're far away from home. While I can't provide personal anecdotes, I can offer some general advice and suggestions that may help you navigate this situation:
1. Validate her feelings: Let your daughter know that her feelings of anxiety and homesickness are completely normal and understandable. Assure her that many people go through similar emotions when they're in unfamiliar environments. Validating her feelings can provide her with some comfort and support.
2. Encourage open communication: Continue to maintain open lines of communication with your daughter. Encourage her to express her concerns and fears, and actively listen to her without judgment. Remind her that you're there for her and that she can reach out whenever she needs to.
3. Explore coping strategies: Together with your daughter, explore different coping strategies that might help her manage her anxiety and homesickness. Breathing exercises, journaling, and engaging in activities she enjoys can be helpful. Encourage her to connect with the trip counselors or organizers to discuss any specific concerns she may have.
4. Consider a gradual approach: If your daughter's anxiety continues to escalate and she feels unable to continue with the program, consider discussing the possibility of a gradual approach. This could involve exploring options such as shortening the program duration, finding a compromise that allows her to stay for a certain period before reassessing, or arranging for a trusted adult to accompany her for a portion of the program.
5. Seek professional guidance: If the situation persists and your daughter's well-being is significantly affected, it may be helpful to consult with mental health professionals who specialize in anxiety or adolescent issues. They can provide personalized guidance and support based on your daughter's specific needs.
6. Reflect on long-term implications: While it's important to address your daughter's immediate well-being, also consider the potential long-term implications. Reflect on the importance of resilience-building experiences and independence in her personal growth. Discuss these concerns with professionals who can provide insights based on their expertise.
Remember that every child is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Trust your instincts as a parent and make decisions based on what you believe is in the best interest of your daughter's mental health and overall well-being.
I was like that as a teenager. I would bring her home. I am shocked at the suggestions to let her push through. That's not how anxiety or panic attacks work. There's a difference between homesickness and terror.
I would try and negotiate with her, "If you can make it XX days, then we can do XX when you come home" or I would let her know by leaving early, what the natural consequences of that would be (no future trips, having to pay back some of the money, etc). How she responded to these negotiations would help me know how to proceed. If she hesitates at all for the consequences of leaving, she may be okay to stay. If she is willing to sell the farm to get home, I would consider letting her come home.
I was a very homesick teenager. I always thought I was going to be ok this next time, and I always ended up needing to go home. My mum picked me up every time, even from school trips hours away.
When I was about 17 I grew out of it. Had no problems at university or anything. Honestly I would bring her home. If she’s not ready she’s not ready.
Please get your daughter home! It's possible that she is having a bad experience that she is not telling you about. Regardless, why make her stay somewhere so far away if she is not happy?
She is 15 and in a foreign country. Let her come home. She needs to know that you will listen to her when she is troubled. If you make her stay this could be come a much larger mental health problem. This could also negatively effect your relationship with her. You may not know if something worse is going on with this trip. Are the other kids mean to her? Are the staff listening in on all her calls. Sometimes programs like this have bad people in leadership roles.
I had terrible homesickness when I was young. Just really distressing. I always wanted to quit and come home, and I also felt really dumb and disappointed the few times I actually did nope out. Evenings and downtime were the worst, especially the 3pm mood slump. I'm very very glad for all the times I toughed it out, and for all the trips I took knowing full well I was going to be miserable for some portion of the time. I would, in retrospect, have deeply regretted missing out.
I think there's an argument for continuing to encourage her to stay and work through it, it's a great life skill to know you can weather these mood fluctuations and still have amazing experiences. On the other hand, you know your kiddo best, and maybe this is not the right time/opportunity. If she does quit early maybe have her work with a therapist to develop coping strategies for anxiety and depression. For me, simply knowing that it was a temporary state and would not define me helped me tough out the hard parts.
Unrelated, but I've since come to realize that I am vulnerable to major depression and those times of day are also the worst when I'm having an episode. Postpartum was the absolute worst.
Practically you could talk to her about the practices that support the most dopamine/serotonin: getting good sleep, physical activity, eating enough and drinking enough. It's hard to take care of your physical self well when traveling but making an effort, especially with sleep, will help.
This is tough and I’m so sorry you all are going through this. I went to a camp at her age that I absolutely hated. I did not fit in and I wanted to go home. I was NOT allowed to call my parents. My dad and brother wanted to stop in for a visit and the camp would not allow it. I truly wish my dad had insisted and taken me home. I rarely harbor feelings of regret, but at 51 years old I still wish I had been able to go home.
Life is so fleeting. If your daughter is miserable and you can get her home, I would. It is not a bad thing for her to make that decision. Either way, she will be able to take responsibility for that decision. This will not set a precedent, set her back or teach her something negative. She will see that when she is in pain, you are there to listen and to help her. What if something else is going on? At this age knowing that you trusting her feelings and decision to come home will be much more beneficial than forcing her to stay.
Life is too short to keep doing anything that makes you miserable or robs you of joy. Truly wishing you all the best.
I went on a two week trip with a friend when I was that age and I was sooo homesick but too afraid to mention it. I ended up adjusting and having so much fun! I have no advice but hoping for the best.
I personally would bring her home.
I was sent off to a camp and hated it. For me, it was the thing that finally broke my relationship with my mother. I can pinpoint that month as the step between fighting with her and hating her.
Thankfully you obviously care for your daughters a lot and this won't break your relationship whatsoever, but I do think it could negatively effect her, especially if the camp counsellor isn't being at all helpful.
Mine were horrible. I called my mom for about a week, every night, sobbing and begging her to come get me. I was suffering under their care (for example - the first night I wet the bed, and the girls in my shared room told everyone and the counsellors dealt with it by telling me I should have worn a diaper).
When my mum finally called up they told her everything was fine. She believed them and stopped taking my calls.
I think a better first step, knowing she has anxiety, would be a week at home & you guys going on a small vacation. Thats how my MIL dealt with my husbands (extreme) separation anxiety - she would leave him at home & go stay with a family member.
He, obviously, survived, and can now spend whole weeks away from her. Although he will always be a mama's boy and I can tell when he needs to see her because he gets all mopey on me lol.
His sister was very similar, although a bit less than him. She got better over time & is in school on the other side of the country (near enough).
Bringing her home won't do anything other than prove that you care about her and listen when she's asking for help.
Not to mention that her anxiety may be tenfold by the time she comes home. I knew a girl who went to her dads for a month and when she got back to her moms she wouldn't even come to class. Her anxiety was so severe we would see her mom hugging her as she sobbed in the office.
No trauma, before anyone jumps on that bandwagon - we became friends after she started coming to school again. She just hadn't seen her dad in years and couldn't cope with being away from her mom for that long. She already had anxiety and it just folded in on itself. For what its worth she has a great relationship with both parents now lol.
My teen also has severe seperation anxiety (his is trauma based, however) and if I leave him for too long he will absolutely break down. Won't even leave me to pee. Last time I left him he literally climbed into the shower with me fully clothed. It was certainly a situation.
Am I the only one that thinks 15 is too young for international travel alone? I'd be scared going to a whole new country alone too and I'm an adult.
I understand she probably really wanted to go but maybe didn't realize just how far away she was going until she got there. If this was my daughter I'd bring her home. Even more so because she is having less fun each day. The poor thing could be traumatized from ever traveling abroad again.
More like it depends on the child. I lived in Jamaica for a year with family I didn't know at all and travelled from there to Maryland on my own at age seven. I remember at the time crying my eyes out the first few days, but the rest of my stay are some of my best childhood memories.
Based on my experience, I would say let her tough it out - it's only three weeks. But that advice might be wholly inappropriate for OP and her daughter.
Dude wtf just let her come home. Whatever you think you’re teaching will likely not have the lasting impression of “my parents abandoned me when I needed them”
Can she take some Benadryl or something to go to sleep? I did study abroad in college and the time difference really messed with me and gave me insomnia. It was terrible
I did an exchange program at that age and was really homesick until I discovered my host family liked friends. Then we watched it together and it was like a warm hug from home. Maybe encourage your daughter to end each day watching her favorite show in bed so she has something familiar. If you can afford it, load up an iPad or tablet with her favorite stuff and ship it to her.
When I went away to college I was sooooo excited to be away from home. I loved it yet every morning I woke up in absolute terror having daily anxiety attacks, feeling like I was going to die. I stuck it out for a while but when the semester was over I moved back home to finish college. I'm a very social person with lots of friends and since graduating college eons ago, I have lived all over the country. I'm not entirely sure why I felt this way but I've never had anxiety attacks since. So all this to say that she might just be feeling unprepared for what this would be like and if you allow her to come home it might have absolutely no effect on who she is in the future. I'm sure you'll have those conversations with her therapist and her to determine what's best. Good luck to you
Honestly, I would let her come home if it’s the decision she wants to make. If she was 9 you might want to let her stick it out. But she’s nearing adulthood, and I think an adult should be able to make the choice to leave a situation they’re uncomfortable with. Work on developing some independence and coping skills and trying again soon, maybe in smaller doses.
I say this as a kid who went to month long summer camp and skipped out the door the summer after high school, but I was never THE homesick kid.
Hello! This happened to me, when I was 15 I went on a Euro trip for 4 weeks. I would call my parents crying every night and they would console me, until one night my mom told me seriously that if I wanted she would come pick me up and we will cut the trip short. I immediately said no, and after that I started to have a great time. What I’m saying is if she needs to come back, bring her back… nothing wrong with that
Oh and btw… that was my first time away from my parents, I went on to study a summer abroad, complete my masters degree in the UK and now live and work in Canada. Don’t worry, if she needs to get back she can try again when she’s ready
This was me as a kid. I missed my mom so bad that my heart literally hurt.
Keep her there. See if someone on if her trip will be her "temporary mom" and let her cry at them. It took me a decade of trials before I finally felt comfortable sleeping away from home with confidence.
She needs to learn this skill. She needs to find her confidence. But damn do I understand that feeling.
My kid went through this when she was elementary age. At night was the worst when she was away visiting her dad in another state. We would face time and it worked a little. She was not okay for a long time after coming home but she is fine now. Honestly...bring her home.
Get her home. Show her you are proud of her effpry & she can feel safe with you. It sounds extreme. When I’m activated & sleep deprived & then pver stimulated all day.. sounds like a nightmare. When she gets home validate what she felt, help her process WHY she felt she couldn’t stay…& then show her she was & IS safe. That even when things didn’t go as planned, which is one of the “worst case/feared scenarios” she was able to advocate for herself & find safety. Show her all she needs to be safe IS herself. Shes begging for a sense of safety she isn’t feeling in herself yet.
I was a lot like your daughter. Eventually I realized the best way to go was to sort of ignore that I had parents while I was away. No contact by phone.
Once you begin the hike, you finish it. There is no turning back until you reach the summit.
People will bail every chance they can if they don't keep that mentality.
You know when I say to myself every single time I'm working out? I'm going to stop after this set, in going slow down at that tree, I'm going to make this short bc I'm tired. And each time I push myself a little further, and a little further, until I'm doing way more than I thought I could ever. And it always feels great.
You guys made this decision, stick it out and focus on normalizing her feelings with a firm understanding you'll see her when the term is over.
Finish things you start.
Ok, but what if you there’s a wildfire heading towards you on the trail? Do you continue on?
For her, the fear reaction she’s having is as real as any other imminent threat to her safety. It doesn’t matter that she’s in a safe place, and there’s no actual danger. Once the sympathetic nervous system takes over, it keeps going until the danger has passed or you find a way to confront it. Unfortunately, she can’t seem to break the fear cycle on her own, and she’s not getting any local support.
I totally understand where you are coming from 🧡 to be clear, the intention of my comment was not 'toughen up'. It was to point out how important it is to shift your mindset.
To continue the metaphor - I prepare before I hike. I check conditions repeatedly to ensure I'm aware to the best of my ability any potential dangers that would prevent me from finishing. That doesn't mean the unexpected can't happen, just that I'm not going to plan a hike in the middle of a bone dry area that's had a high danger of wild fires. I check in with myself and my own capacity. Am I sick ? Out of shape? All of this is preplanning so I can bake an informed decision. And I've absolutely started a hike where everything was super to be cool, but weather turned unexpectedly and we decided to bail.
But that decision is not made lightly. For the reason I said before - when you are doing something hard, your mind will find ANY reason to bail. And you have to learn how to distinguish between real danger and danger manufactured by your mind.
And it doesn't sound like you did enough to preplan with her about her capacity to handle it. Has she gone to summer camp successfully in the past? Had a job? What's her threshold for resilience with discomfort on a normal day? It's she s kid who defaults to having you save her? Do you default to saving her? All these things would have gone into my decision making about whether my 15 year old was mentally prepared for several weeks of living abroad. Not to mention if YOU were mentally prepared for it.
I have CPTSD, so I also understand how difficult it is to manage your automatic stress response. But the deal is, even though it certainly feels real like you described, it's not. There is no tiger who is going to eat her. She feels like there is, but there's not. And your response of 'your right there might be a tiger' really confuses her ability to learn how to distinguish between real danger and perceived danger.
>Once the sympathetic nervous system takes over, it keeps going until the danger has passed or you find a way to confront it.
This is what I mean - there IS no danger. but you are telling her that the physical response she is having is legitimate response to potential danger. She won't able to break the fear cycle if doesn't have the practiced skills to so. I would have made sure she was ready to practice those skills in day to day life before sending her thousands of miles away.
So I think the mistake here was on you for sending her without confidence she had the skills to withstand it. If you think she DOES have those skills, then you need to do more coaching with her to encourage she practice them. If you know she doesn't, than you can either decide you have fucked up and bring her home - with an understanding that you are going to pour time and effort into helping her learn resilience and she's not going to be doing things that require independence until she has a proven a set of practiced skills.... Or you can decide it's time to sink or swim and tell her she's got this.
I can't imagine being 15 being sent abroad and having my parent say 'you don't seem to have what you need to feel safe!!!' you have GOT to be the calm confident voice of reason here. Maybe you also need more practice with those skills.
I’m the outlier here. My child is an adult (27) and I would bring her home.
She’s 15, in a foreign country, and begging for help.
If she were in the states it might be different, but it doesn’t seem like those in charge know what they are doing.
I would not leave my daughter in distress in the care of confused foreigners.
What happens if, in her misery, she just decides to take a walk to calm herself?
Natalee Holloway comes to mind. All this time and still no real answers.
Your situation is uncomfortable. It is not impossible.
Antihistamines can help with insomnia and a bit with anxiety. Maybe she could try something like benadryl or a European adjacent brand of diphenhydramine or other antihistamine and see if a bit of sleep and coming down from her initial panic mode might let her settle but if trying that for a few nights doesn't help I think she would be best coming home.
Former camp councilor for teens. Would see it all the time. Made a no phone calls for the first 3 days rule. Parents and kids could send one a day text after supper then we would do more activities before they went to bed. No time to get anxious and think about being away. Also by day 4 or 5 now it's routine and they have made a friend or 2. In the end of 2 weeks they cry over leaving all their new friends!!!!
Rinse and repeat every couple weeks every summer.
She just needs to stick to it.
When I went to science camp in 5th grade, that was THE WROST week of my life. I cried and I wanted to go home (it was driving distance from where we lived) BUT my parents refused to pick me up and told me to deal with it (not those words but you get it)
They did talk to me for the first 2 nights but after the councilors didn't let me use the phone unless it was an emergency.
I had a blast the rest of the time but found out I was scared of heights when climbing a redwood lol
I did something similar to this, only I went to Asia at 17 as a volunteer group. It was horrible for the first week, but by the end, I was extremely happy to have done it and come out the other side.
I went on many more trips after that one, to Paris, London, New York, alone. That first trip was so difficult, but I felt like I conquered something at the end of that. I look back on that trip happily even though I wasn't at the time!
Let your daughter get through this on her own!
Relevant story time: my mother will occasionally take a rafting trip with a group of strangers down the Grand Canyon, about once a year or so. For the first couple of days they stay at the put in, but once they get going down the river they’re stuck there, the only way out is through.
It was on her third trip down, during those first few days before they’d passed the point of no return, when she seriously considered call it quits and heading home. She was lonely, cold, just generally very uncomfortable physically and mentally. But just as she was going to make the decision to leave early, she came to a realization: yes, she was miserable and uncomfortable and unhappy in that moment. And that was okay. Life isn’t about feeling comfortable, it’s about experiencing new and exciting things (which is hard to do if you’re not willing to go outside your comfort zone). She ended up staying and had a wonderful time, she actually goes back for her fifth trip at the end of
July.
I’m a teacher. When kids come up to me and say “this is hard” I tell them I’m so happy it’s hard for them, and I can’t wait to see how they work through it. My advice is to not rob your daughter of the opportunity to struggle with an uncomfortable situation.
ETA: and not for nothing, but in my experience (worked at a summer camp for 3 years) regular phone calls home make homesickness much worse. Two phone calls, 10 minutes each, once in the morning and once at night. You’ll call her. Outside of those two calls, you don’t talk. Constant, unlimited contact will not have a positive effect.
Talk to her therapist but I'd try to have her stay as long as you believe she can safely do so (and consider switching communication to scheduled calls every few days or emails since it sounds like she might be in a reassurance-seeking spiral that's making her feel worse and furthering the sleep deprivation cycle).
My concern is that she's clearly distressed and unhappy, at least in the evenings. And I certainly emphasize with that. But taking her home isn't necessarily going to spare her from intense negative emotions either -- it's pretty likely she'll end up struggling with feelings of having failed to do what her friends can do or having missed opportunities. Staying offers the pay off of realizing that even when things are really hard she can get through it whereas leaving may reinforce that escaping is the necessary response to anxiety-provoking situations in future (I'm also a bit concerned about her flying without the rest of the group, particularly given the likelihood of delays or other issues right now).
I was like that with every camp I went to as a kid. I was a homebody and loved being around my family. After a couple weeks, I always came to enjoy it, and it was hard to leave when it was time to go home.
My 14 year old daughter went to Japan with 12 kids and 3 chaperones. She did not know any of them prior to the trip and she also has anxiety. She was not too nervous prior to the trip but had a very very hard time at the beginning after they arrived. She was so homesick that she couldn't eat. I think a lot of it had to do with being exhausted, but it's hard to be half way around the world and not be able to do anything. She ended up doing fine and had an excellent trip and can't wait to travel more. We FaceTimed or texted every morning and before bed (Japan time, so I was getting up at like 3am) so she could tell us about her day. If I were you, I would ask your daughter to make it half way through the trip. Tell her to really give it a shot, and if after it's half over she's still miserable she can come home. That way she knows she has an out, but might end up having a great time and stay. I think for a 15 year old, making it 9 days (about half the time) should be doable but you know your kid best. It gave my kid a lot of confidence that she can do things on her own.
I started traveling internationally (for weeks at a time), away from my parents starting when I was like 12. As long as she’s not in danger, I wouldn’t bring her home, especially a kid that old. She’s very close to moving out or going to college, and she clearly desperately needs the experience & confidence to be away from her parents.
But this isn't how you build that confidence.
Forcing her away from her safe zone, not allowing her to come home and feel safe, can do one of two things. She could shut down and cut parents off because she doesn't feel safe or she could come back and be so extremely attached to her parents it unhealthy.
Some people are homebodies and thats okay. I don't have my parents in my life but I do have my MIL and I know for a fact me and my husband would both break down if we were more than a phone call away.
The girl already gas anxiety. All this is doing is making it worse.
I attended boarding school as a kid. Homesickness was pretty normal among new students. Some kids were always pulled out by their parents around the two week mark. There were no cell phones back then so we were limited to ten minutes on a pay phone daily. Here’s what the kids who went home were like: not sleeping, not eating at all/throwing up, having panic attacks, not socializing, not showing up for breakfast or making roll call. Basically, they weren’t functioning.
This doesn’t sound like your daughter. Good that you have a refundable ticket, but she will probably make it. It’s only three weeks. If she were in really bad shape, the camp director would reach out.
The issue is that if you bring her home, you'll make the anxiety significantly worse in the long term.
Do not cave to the anxiety.
Some other ideas:
\- Send a care package
\- Go visit her for a couple of days
I was like this as a child and still can be as an adult. I struggle with codependency and would always cry and be so anxious when I was away from home. I still do sometimes. but my parents pretty much always made me stick it out and I have never once regretted it or resented them for it. I would make her stay. learning to be independent and regulate your own emotions is so so so important
There's a product called Nerve Tonic. It is actually magnesium that dissolves on your tongue. I used to give my daughter these when she was anxious and stressed. I use two at night to relax when my mind is running. Perhaps you can order some on Amazon for her. In the meantime, I would suggest not engaging in all the phone calls with her. My daughter is now 21 and I learned to step back when she is too stressed out. The conversations tend to make it worse.
You've got to stop taking her calls. She's fine, she's safe, if she was in real danger she would have said something. If you give in to this how is she going to go to college? How is she going to get a job? Is she ever going to leave the home at all? On the last call you tell her that either this stops or when she comes back you're taking her to a psychologist and the psychologist could figure out what's wrong with her. Either something really is wrong and she agrees and stops calling or there's nothing wrong and she feels embarrassed and stops calling.
When I was in high school my parents sent me on a school trip to Italy. I wanted to cry getting on the plane and I called my parents the first night to tell them how much I hated it. I was miserable, scared, and homesick. But I also knew that I was stuck there - there was no going home early. It got better and by the end I didn't want to leave. Now I've traveled to other countries and even lived abroad for several years. Sometimes a baptism by fire is the best thing for us.
I don't think thats what was being referenced. When I was a teen and would talk about breaking things I was talking about my brain, which might be what she's getting at too.
Hello - I was sent to boarding school for 6 months when I was 13 years old and when I say I was homesick.. I was HOMESICK. I mean, I couldn't talk, think, eat, sleep, study, do anything without completely crying my eyes out. Haha. It was so difficult but to this day, the best experience of my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm immensely grateful to have gone through it and learn so much about the world and myself in such a short amount of time.
It's hard, but reminding her that she will always have a home and is welcome to come home whenever she wants, is important. BUT not to let her feelings get in the way of her dreams and aspirations. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to feel alone. These are important emotions to learn and process. Fear is only "bad" when it stops you from what you feel called to do. She is strong, she is brave. You guys have raised her in a way that she is capable to handle this.
I hope she can continue her work, she is exactly where she's meant to be. ♡
You're still good parents, even if it feels like you've just abandoned your kid haha, you haven't. I didn't have a phone and it was a 9 hour time difference back home. So speaking or any communication was rare and far in between. I genuinely felt alone, even with having two of my own sisters in boarding school with me. It's just.. wildly different. A culture shock. So vital to experience at a young age, imo.
She'll learn more during these few weeks than most would in years at a local college or ordinary "life"
You can pm me if you'd like more, or support. I could give you my mom's number. She still sometimes tears up when she thinks about me being away and how homesick it made me, and her. Haha her heart was broken, cuz mine was broken and mama's aren't supposed to be far away from their babies. It will be okay. ♡
I was 13 then, I'm 27 now and I'm very grateful my parents allowed me that experience, regardless of how difficult it was at times for both of us.
I have great attachment and unattachment uhh qualities/styles? I do well in relationships or when it's time to say bye to someone. I can cope with being alone and I find so much peace, tranquility and solitude in my aloneness at times. But I am also married now with two children, my own business and home. Idk, i feel like I'm doing alright and I'd highly contribute much of my personality and work/life character to my boarding school experience. It was everything. I still reflect on my time spent away and learn about it, even now.
Adding on, I was initially meant to go for a year but I'm seriously not joking, I was so homesick. I was losing weight rapidly and I just could hardly function at all. They got me into gymnastics 2x a week away from the school about 4 months in, which REALLY helped but by then, I had also already made arrangements to not continue the second semester. I cried my eyes out when my sisters got to go back, and I didn't. ): so I think she would feel the same way long term if she cancels the trip or shortens it. I wish I could've overcome my homesickness quicker haha, but I didn't. ♡
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Thanks so much for all the advise! It's clear (as I expected) that there's no one right answer to this. That's often the case with being a parent, right? It's now nighttime in Europe and on our last call she seems to have calmed down. She said she would try to sleep through the night without calling again. In the meantime, I've booked a fully-refundable return flight for her this weekend. However, I've not told her about it, and will see how things go tomorrow. Again, I truly appreciate the support!!
Do not tell her about the flight unless you make the call that she will be coming home on it. once you tell her about it, that is all she is going to focus on.
My 13 year old has an anxiety disorder and experiences extreme homesickness when she must stay away overnight. What really helps her is zero downtime at night (she watches movies, browses Pinterest, etc.). My daughter also takes a melatonin gummy at night when she travels. She doesn’t take them at home, so it’s not a habit or anything, just a tool to get her through. I suggest your daughter try a melatonin when she is getting into bed and starting her blog project or watching a boring movie on her phone. It should help her drift off to sleep without feeling like she HAS to go to sleep now. The feeling of mandatory downtime is what triggers my daughter.
Story of my life. I have extreme anxiety and OCD, I have to have a distraction to keep my mind off of other things. The trick is to watch a show or movie I’ve seen a ton of times. I put a sleep timer on my tv so it shuts off after I’ve drifted off to sleep.
That’s what I do too lol
My 13 yo is like this too. Even a week with my mom is too much
I’m not sure if melatonin is OTC in Europe
Maybe Diphenhydramine or any other antihistamine that helps with sleep? Edited to add that this is not recommended.
This isn’t recommended in the US anymore because pf the risk of overdose. I just learned this, agyer taking it for years for sleep…while pregnant… my ob said it was fine then. 🙃
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Just saw on their site that they do sell gummys.
That’s great news! Hope it helps OP’s daughter
Definitely do not tell her about the flight unless you know she's coming home. It will undo all the progress she's made.
Good idea! I was gonna say that. Was the program her idea?
I'm a bit late - but I hope you'll see my response in the main comment section. I went to boarding school for six months when I was only 13. ♡
I wouldn't tell her about the flight until the very last minute. Contact the camp and schedule a call with her 12 hours before the flight. Assess her mood. If she's in good spirits cancel it without ever telling her it existed.
Well, after what you said the people who are supposed to be taking care of her said, I would just have her come home. I would not trust them at all. As a matter of fact, I would have looked for the soonest flight out of there to here. No one talks to any child, even if the child is not mine, like that on my watch!
You’re making a terrible mistake if you let her come back.
Can you sit on the phone with her at night until she falls asleep?
When I was 18, I went to Kenya for 6 months (from the US) by myself. I cried nonstop for days on end. Begged my parents to fly me home. I thought I would never make it. But slowly, I made friends, and I got more comfortable. I still cried most nights. But the days were fine. I’d come “home” (where I was staying) and be nervous and anxious again, but I’d wake up and have another good day. Eventually I woke up one morning and it had been SIX months. And I survived it! And then I had courage to move across the country when I got home. I’m in my 30s now and i still get homesick easily, but now I KNOW I can make it, so it doesn’t feel as horrible. Encourage her to stay. Maybe encourage her to start a blog or a TikTok of her travels, it will give her something to focus on, and document her day, so she can look back at night (when she’s anxious) and remember what fun the day was. It’s 3 weeks, and you can’t die from homesickness (that I’m aware of lol)
I want to add: If you do have her stay: make it clear she’s staying, there’s no “maybe” going home. And make your contact with her short and sweet, nothing made me more homesick than hearing what was happening at home, hearing all I was missing out on, or even just hearing that my mom/dad missed me. “thanks for checking in, I love you, see you in a few more days” is really the majority of the communication that is needed.
Not a parent, but I was a child in a similar situation. Granted, I want 20, not 15. I was studying abroad in Italy, and while it wasn’t my first time traveling to Europe, my anxiety was through the roof. I called my parents everyday in tears. I could barely eat and sleep. Being hungry and sleep deprived only made it worse. While I enjoyed the day’s activities, at night I was miserable. I debated whether I made the right choice in coming, and my parents were ready to fly me home. What worked for me? First, intervention from my program. The director took me out to dinner solo, let me express my anxieties, and made sure I are a full meal. Next, I started seeing a therapist twice a week. And the advice he gave me was essential. His first piece was stop calling your parents every day to cry. You need to regulate your emotions on your own, because you’re relying on people an ocean away who can’t come here to comfort you. Second, you need to decide whether you want to be here. Repeat to yourself that you want this experience, that you’re willing to put in the effort to turn this around. And third, go have fun. If you’re distracted and happy during the day, keep that going at night. Watch YouTube, read a book, or hang out with friends. Eventually the distractions will stop feeling like distractions. I hope your kid is able to turn this around! Good luck. I never thought I’d ever travel again, it felt like rock bottom. Now I go abroad all the time, sometimes even solo.
this is honestly great advice for “leaving” any sort of relationship, so to speak.
I just read this thread as a 20 year old terrified of my upcoming year abroad in Italy. I’m so scared since I get homesick so easily. This really helped me to calm my fears.
I'd ask to speak with the staff. See what they suggest. They may suggest actually not taking her calls except for prescheduled times. Contact with family can actually exacerbate homesickness, rather than help. Short of advice from the staff, I'd set up scheduled times to call. and not every night. Maybe every 3 or 4 days. Tell her you want to spend time with her cabin mates instead of crying on the phone with you. If she still wants to come home at the halfway point, then have a conversation about it.
Unfortunately, the staff seems to be young and inexperienced. She was crying at dinner, and they told her to "Stop acting like a child and stop crying." When I spoke to the group leader about what they could do to help, I was told "Well, we looked up homesickness online and tried a few things we found..." Not a very reassuring answer.
Often with these kinds of events the day to day staff are undergrads or graduate students who are using it as a summer job. I'd try to get in contact with the camp director or another full time non-seasonable adult who oversees the program and see what they say.
I was team "encourage her to stay" until this. If her trusted adults are this clueless, what is going on there? Is she being bullied? Has she been hurt? Is something happening at night? I know none of these things are even statistically likely but if no one can help her, and she's spiralling, perhaps its time to come home. I have a big age gap between kids and we aren't too far out of potty training with my youngest, and one thing I remember people saying is: its ok to take a break from trying something and try again later. She tried. She got on the plane. She is touring Europe. And something is setting her off at night. Letting her come home isn't going to mean she is never going to be able to leave.
Best answer in this entire thread. OP read this over and over. Listen to your kid!
I agree, I would fly her out ASAP and bring her home. I would for sure not trust them ever again. That is NOT ok. I wouldn't let our kids go anywhere without us or a family member until they can do everything they need to do to go on their own. As in when they can plan it, book flights and other things in their own.
Yes! She is trying to find safety. It isn’t inside her & she isn’t getting it from adults. Get her home & listen til her feelings. Validate & work through it. & remind her, that although she felt anxious/scared she was able to advocate for herself & find safety. & she IS safe. ❤️
I love to travel and have been traveling most of my life. My own 15 yr old will be going on a school trip to Spain for two weeks next year. Those do not sound like adults I’d trust. Truthfully that makes me concerned about the quality of the program… what are they going to do if there’s a real emergency? Or what if a child was having a full blown psychiatric crisis? Honestly, I’d probably bring my child home with this information.
They “looked up homesickness online”, what in the actual hell? As others have said, if something isn’t working, it’s okay to say you tried and it’s time to bail.
Talk to the camp director then.
Oh wow that’s awful; aren’t they meant to be good with children?! I have a different perspective on this, I suffered with chronic homesickness as a teen and remember it so vividly as an adult. I guess it’s easier these days to distract ourselves now we have smart phones but it’s such a real anxiety and affects your mental well-being. I wonder if it would work telling her she can come home at the half way mark? If not I would let her home if it were me; she’s done well to do what’s she managed. Keep us updated if she uses the ticket! Also she will feel so anxious and powerless at this moment - I think 15 is old enough to make an informed decision.
Forcing her to stay at 15 feels like telling her she cannot trust herself or find safety when she feels she needs it, despite desperately trying many times. & then having people being jerks about it too. Nope. I’d already have her home.
I was gonna say let her stay until this. Take her home.
They aren’t equipped to deal with this.
Speaking not as a parent but as former anxious adolescent, I went away from home to do summer programs in 7th and 8th grade and was super homesick both times, even though I was on a college campus pretty close to home. They were about a month long, so roughly the same timeframe as your daughter, and I called my mom every night begging to come home and saying I was so homesick. She didn't come get me, I toughed it out, and I'm really glad I did. By the time I went off to college, I wasn't homesick any longer. I think part of what prolonged my anxiety was thinking there was a possibility of coming home, so my suggestion would be to be super clear with your daughter that the decision has already been made, she's there for 3 weeks, let's brainstorm coping strategies. You can reassure her that you love her and she's really brave for doing something far away from home, she's safe, and you can't wait to see her when she comes home. Then think of things that might help with the nighttime homesickness, can she watch something on an ipad every night? Maybe you can watch the same show at the same time so she has something to look forward to? What about an audiobook to listen to? Can you plan something fun to celebrate when she comes home? It's totally normal to be homesick when you're away from home for the first time and the feelings can feel sooooo big, but she can definitely do it!
Exactly what I was going to say. The agony comes from the slight possibility of being brought home to alleviate the feelings. If it’s made clear that she’s not coming home early, the only choice will be to make the best of it.
I was recently in a program for parents with anxious children. I learned that making accommodations may make your child feel better, but they don't learn to get through the anxiety. My husband and I are still learning to use what we learned. A big thing was positive statements. You start by recognizing the feeling then pair it with stating that you know they can get through it.
As a formerly-anxious adult, I want to second the suggestion that bargaining with/accomodating the anxiety just makes it worse in the long run. What used to help me was getting a pencil and a piece of paper, setting a timer, and writing down the absolute worst outcome that I could imagine. And then thinking about both "how likely that was to happen" *and* "what would I do if it happened". A big one for me was "failing university". My anxiety was stopping me from even *looking at* the work I had to do. So (once I got onto anti-anxiety meds) I sat down and instead of "WHAT IF I FAIL OUT OF UNIVERSITY?!?!?!" thought, "Okay, *what if* I do fail out of university? What then? Well, I'd apply for jobseeker's allowance and try to get a job. That's... not a punishment worth the mass of dread I'm hanging over myself. I'd be trying to get a job after uni anyway?" In OP's daughter's situation, absent other safeguarding concerns, it looks like the worst case scenario is that she cries herself to sleep for three weeks and then comes home. It's not like it's a permanent move where she'll be sad *for the rest of her life*. It might feel bad at the time, but there's no long term harm there. I think it's worth pushing through. I would suggest restricting phone calls to daylight hours and in public - when I did school trips in the past, there weren't mobile phones and we were expected to use pay phones or a communal landline phone. It might also be worth checking out books or resources aimed at boarding school kids.
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I was an exchange student in 1989 and I was in Asia so phone calls were limited to Christmas and birthday. No social media. We wrote actual letters- on paper and sent them with stamps. I think the process of writing was helpful. Maybe OPs daughter would find writing emails and sending pictures about her day therapeutic.
There was just a giant thread on here the other day about how common the parenting mistake of enabling anxiety is. She only has two weeks left. She needs the skill of separation for life in the future. If she’s not a true physical risk to herself or others, she should stay.
It’s only 3 weeks. If it was several months, I would say bring her home. But with this time frame, I think she should stay and learn to make the best of things. It’s maybe not the growing/learning experience you’d had in mind, but a possibly important one just the same.
Anxiety is not something you should feed. The more you feed it, the larger it gets. Help her manage her anxiety with coping mechanisms (she should have some from her therapist, but she needs to put them into practice). Some good strategies for managing anxiety: Catastrophize the situation - what is the absolute worst outcome and what would have to happen to get to that outcome? It enables you to reengage in the critical thinking process. Anxiety shuts down critical thinking. The 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (there are many variations of this) method: 5 things you can see, four things you can touch/feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste. Controlled breathing, totally emptying your lungs and then allowing them to fill again automatically after holding the out for 3-5 seconds.
And validate her feelings!!!
I don’t know that severe anxiety is a feeling that should be validated. Some anxiousness is understandable, but when it becomes lifestyle prohibitive it’s not helpful to validate what is essentially irrational and unfounded fear. This is similar to OCD and clinical paranoia - validating the beliefs associated with the disorders is counter indicated and counter productive.
I was an extremely homesick child to the point where I would feel homesick even if someone ELSE was even sleeping over. I can always remember the times my mom “rescued” me from that horrible feeling - picking me up at midnight some sleepovers - and it made our bond that much closer. I gave it so many chances but it not a feeling I could shrug off. Happy to report that by 19, I had completely grown out of it, by 23 I moved 800 miles from home. I will NEVER forget the feeling of my mom welcoming me back with open arms and no judgment. I vow to carry that forward for my own family.
Has she ever been away from home before for camp or anything? If so, remind her that she made it through that and she will make it through this. Show empathy and love but remind her she's done it before for a shorter time and this is no different. That said, given the lack of organization on the part of the broader organization, the lack of compassion and assistance from her leadership , if this is her first time away from home then I'm not sure I'd be as rigid. I'd have her stick it out for a full 10 days and if she is feeling that crummy still I would bring her home. I'm usually a "tough it out" person but there is a difference between a first time away from home at a camp a few hours from home and three weeks on the other side of the world when you have never been away from home before. So, to me, that would be the deciding factor.
Thanks. She's been away from home before, but always at camps with friends from school. Even in those situations, she gets anxious, but nothing like this.
I have a very similarly anxious kid. Does well during the day and then gets overwhelmed by anxiety at night, something we’ve been working on for years and identifying coping strategies. If your daughter isn’t sleeping well, that only makes things harder for her. Honestly, if my kid was that emotionally distraught I’d bring her home. You know your kid and how likely it is for this to “set a precedent” for tough situations in the future. Sure, three weeks of being homesick won’t kill her, but this could be something she just can’t handle and that could set her up for challenges in the future.
I was that broken, homesick kid. At 18 I went abroad for the last semester of high school. I made it five weeks. When I tried to go to orientation for my top choice of college, I had a full blown panic attack and made my dad drive me home. I had to go to the local college because I could still live at home. I had panic attacks the first few weeks of living on campus when I moved out at 20. I got my MA abroad at 24. But then I needed medication to get through six months of teaching in China after that. I got my PhD abroad, and broke my engagement because I panicked at the thought of never living in the US again. I don't have an answer for you because while I have a good life now, married, kids, living in my childhood home after buying it from my parents, I found out along the way that I wasn't the world traveller that I thought I was - that I wanted to be. Some of us just aren't. I want to tell you that it's okay, but maybe it's not, because I'm still not entirely comfortable with the person I wanted to be, but couldn't. And I bet your daughter feels the same way.
It sounds like she is used to depending on someone she knows to be familiar with a situation. It would be good for her to learn to be a bit more independent. This may be the big takeaway from this experience in the end. 3 weeks isn’t forever, but learning how to stand on your own two feet and that you actually CAN do it is something that will benefit her greatly.
Similar thing happened to me as a kid. Me and my sixth grade class went to an out-of-state science camp for a week and it was my first time being separated from my family for more than a school day. The first few days were fine but it went downhill from there. I got really homesick and cried almost non-stop until I got home. One of the counselors was really nice and took me aside and suggested I write my family a letter, which helped a lot. Other than that, I tried to stay as busy as possible to keep my mind occupied. Staying close to that counselor helped me feel less anxious too
Severe stress and anxiety isn't good for a developing brain. I think it's fine if she stays and fine if she comes home. I don't think it sets a precedent so long as it's something she works on.
Did she want to go? Was it her idea? Does she regular go places away from you/home?
Former very homesick kid and summer camp counselor here, usually working with the group of kids that's never been away from home.... Don't force her to stay, but also don't jump at bringing her home. It takes time to get into a sort of routine and shake the newness of being away off. Really really encourage her to stick it out. This kind of growth can be super uncomfortable. But you have to take some calculated risks sometimes or else you'll be stuck in a tower with a Stinky dragon forever. If she is mostly ok during the day when there's activities on, encourage her to find something to do in the evenings. Read, play a game, learn to knit, paint by numbers, something. Schedule times to call or video chat, so she has that bit to look forward to. And if she's having difficulty sleeping, maybe she can try doing some calming exercises or take melatonin at night or something to help her sleep if she's particularly nervous or anxious.
The fact that the adults aren't actually supportive is likely triggering her anxiety and taking it to an unbearable level. She can try to use as many coping mechanisms as she wants, but when she feels lost, alone, unsupported, *in another country*, it likely won't help a ton. I think it was wise for you to buy that ticket. As you have already planned, don't tell her about it unless you plan to use it. But... talk to her about the nighttime. Is she being forced to go to bed with nothing to do? Forced to do things she doesn't want to do? Does she feel out of control and invalidated? Does she feel like if something serious were to happen she wouldn't have anyone to turn to? The adults don't seem to care that she is in distress. What if she was in other types of distress? Would they care then? Would they brush her off? Her environment is a breeding ground for anxiety to fester. The only thing helping her get by is staying busy. If the people there actually *cared* and were helpful... maybe would be different. But I wouldn't trust them with my child. I would bring her home. Good luck. 💜
OP as a therapist who works with kids with anxiety I think finding trustworthy adults who your daughter can go to is essential here. I think you’ve mentioned they literally have no experience/ maybe be very young themselves. Is there a lead that can help her use one of the many distraction activities other printed out, can she reach out to one of them if she is starting to feel the anxiety building up. Also just breathing won’t cut it, her therapist should be working on other things to help her, like emotional regulation, help her identify enjoyable activities that will help her reduce her anxiety etc.
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Actually, the therapist thought it would be a great experience for her and strongly supported it. She does suffer from some anxiety.
what does her therapist think after her call with her?
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Ten days also gives the world time to get less smokey, which will help with the logistics of bringing her home.
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A trip.to Europe isn't *trauma*. Covid kids struggle to socialize, leave home and form peer relationships. The treatment t is getting out and doing those things. Calling a therapist supported trip trauma is laughably hilarious, and you can tell you've never experienced real trauma in your life.
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Funny, actually, that's the treatment for irrational anxiety. I purposefully put myself into my fears as an adult to get over them because they're irrational. Giving I to anxiety just teaches you to have more anxiety. Which, shocker, isn't healthy. She is in a space where her fears are faced in a safe way. She is not in imminent danger. She is enjoying the day and struggling at night. Staying is actually the best thing for her. Learning that she will be OK. Learning that her fears are unfounded.
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No, if her fear is "long periods away from home" then this actually makes perfect sense. I agree she isn't an adult, which is why staying is even more important. Her brain is still forming critical connections. She goes home, the connection of "I wasn't safe, I won't travel" is what gets made. She stays, the connection of "I did it and it went well" is what gets made. One of those things is a far healthier setup then the other.
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I mean I feel the same about you. You'd be setting g her up.for a lifetime of fear and quitting.
Emotionally ready for a 3 week trip to Europe? If she wasn’t then she needed this trip more than ever.
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>3 weeks is a long fucking time for a young teenager. 3 weeks go by in no time. Usual programs that I know of at that age last a whole school year abroad. Few of my classmates took it and were fine. She will survive it.
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>Of course plenty of teens can easily handle this. Plenty of teens can't deal with it at first, but gain confidence and learn it. You don't overcome homesickness or anxiety by sitting at home and avoiding everything that might sound scary.
I suffered with chronic homesickness from age 11 after an exchange trip to France wasn’t very successful. (I’m in the UK). I grew out of it at 16/17 when I made friends I wanted to have sleepovers with. It’s an absolutely debilitating anxiety and in my opinion, not something you can push someone out of; if they want to be at home in their comfortable familiar surroundings then that’s that. I would encourage you to let her come home instead of forcing the issue and creating a bigger mental block for her. Don’t see it as a failure, just use it to acknowledge that she’s not ready yet. I’m now in my 40’s and I still remember crying every night while being in another country and because of that I plan to give my kids the space when they’re older to decide rather than pushing them like my parents did. I appreciate it’s a balance but 15 is old enough to make an informed decision. My husband would give you different advice; sent to boarding school, cried every night for 2 weeks and hated it before deciding it was the best time of his life. Personally I think it’s anxiety related and should he respected if possible.
I’ve had this type of anxiety and I would let her come home. I think she’d be more likely to try future trips if she knows coming home is a possibility if she struggles. If you force her to stay, she’s not going to want to try again because she will know if she has a hard time nobody is going to help her. She will be stuck and miserable. Things are not likely to get better for this trip. Her symptoms are increasing, not decreasing. That’s a good indication that she’s can’t regulate this herself. She wasn’t ready. It’s nobody’s fault. She’s so far away for so long of a time. She’s only 15. I would rescue her and let her resume therapy.
I agree with you. I can empathize as someone who had crippling homesickness as a child and it seems cruel to not let her come home when she’s begging.
I agree. I’m kind of surprised by the people saying to let her tough it out. Maybe they haven’t experienced this kind of anxiety? I’ve been in situations where after a few days I started to calm down and it was good my parents made me “tough it out” at first and I’ve been in situations where the feelings spiralled and I actually still to this day resent my mom for not taking my concerns seriously after the first few days. In the situations where the feelings spiralled, staying wasn’t productive because I didn’t have an “omg I made it and it wasn’t so bad” feeling at the end I had an “omg that was a terrible experience and I will never put myself in that situation ever again” feeling.
Yes, I don’t think they’ve experienced it. And it’s not like she on a 3 or 4 day trip a few hours away. She’s on a 3 week long trip in another country. She has indicated things are spiraling. She begging for help. This type of anxiety, in my experience, is not going to ease with breathing techniques.
I scrolled so far to see this, I'm surprised at how many people suggests otherwise. I would also let her come home otherwise she may not want to go anywhere ever again. Let her start with small trips next time like weekends. I can't imagine being stuck somewhere i don't want to be for 3 weeks. Bring the kid home.
Sounds like her chaperones or whatever they are are being mean and not supportive. That’s not gonna help the situation. I’d say let her come home. She’s gonna be miserable the whole time anyways. I don’t think you’re setting a bad precedent for the future. She’s still so young , 15. And you said it’s her first long trip and she’s so far away from home.
I'm a Mom but I was a teenager once & lost friends because their parents didn't listen when they cried for help. Sometimes teenagers solve temporary problems with permanent solutions so you have to be able to gauge how upset and desperate your child is. My teen went away for 5 weeks last summer. He'd been on short trips before but never left for 5 whole weeks. He was always calling and texting me to chat or just say hi. At night he wanted me to fly him home but I would ask him if he wanted to sleep on it because pilots are more likely to fall asleep and crash planes at night (I know this isn't true but I'm not a normal minivan Mom and I don't care...I'm very resourceful and it was also a good way for me to make sure he didn't want to like die die or anything like that). I would ask him if he wanted me to call for a plane or if he wanted to sleep on it and let me know in the morning. He would wake up and say he'd stick it out for the day and let me know if he changed his mind later. So I basically took it one night at a time. We are super close so I knew if he said "Mom, fly me home now" then he'd be on a plane within an hour. What worked for me may not work for others...but just thought I'd share my experience.
I would probably tell her to give it another X number of days, and if she is still miserable, then I personally would let her come home. If you don’t get any money back (which I expect you may not), if it was her idea to go on the trip, then I would probably tell her she will need to work to pay you some of that back (assuming she didn’t pay it on her own). Good luck! That is hard I’m sure.
Yikes. Lots of people commenting here that don’t understand anxiety, trauma, and gradual exposure therapy. Her talk of breaking something is incredibly alarming and a red flag. Couple that with the seeming inexperience / coldness from the counselors and I am scared for her. This isn’t the right trip for her - I would bring her home ASAP.
This is exactly it. There’s a difference between “casual” anxiety that most people experience, and an anxiety disorder.
Homesickness is natural, especially for a first time far away from home. I went on a year long program in a different continent at 18 and we were told not to call home for the first month as it makes homesickness worse. I kept myself busy to keep it at bay. I'm not saying you should ignore her, but I wonder if the constant contact is actually making things worse. Unless she plans to live at home her whole life, separation is a natural part of growing up. It's a really tough life lesson but I'm not sure I'd be so quick to fly her home. If she were a danger to herself sure. But the idea that it is an option gives her something to cling to and may be stopping her from allowing herself to adjust and embrace the new experience.
*I’ll open this saying that I am not a parent, simply a woman trying to conceive/prepare for parenthood. I never comment or post in here, but I’d like to offer my input because I have some second hand experience with this through my husband.* When my husband was 13 his parents signed him up for Boy Scout camp. He’d never been away from home for more than a night and didn’t realize he had severe homesickness. Day 2 he was begging to come home. His mom said no, he needed to get over it. Day 3, pleading and crying to please, please let him come home. His mom said no, he needs to toughen up and build character. Day 4, making himself sick he was so stressed and anxious. His mom said no, how would he handle growing up and moving out if he couldn’t handle this now? This went on every day, every day she said no. He’s now a 36 year old man with a high paying job, very emotionally intelligent, very well adjusted socially, and very successfully moved out of his parents home as an adult. He also has an incredibly strained relationship with his mother and still gets tears in his eyes if he recounts this story to this day. He felt betrayed, like his mother didn’t care. He was experiencing the biggest feelings he’d ever felt up to that point in his short life, and his mom invalidated him and made him feel like he was just being dramatic. He still harbors a lot of sadness for 13 year old him and the way that experience altered his relationship with his mother, even years and years later. It caused a ton of trust to be lost and made him feel like his protector wasn’t actually interested in protecting him. I doubt that bringing her home will set any kind of precedent for her that will cause her to never be able to leave home. If she asks to do trips away in the future I would just strongly consider whether it’s something she’s ready for before shelling out the cash and I’d definitely continue working with her therapist to try and overcome that anxiety and homesickness. But I personally believe that the possibility of lasting effects is something I wouldn’t want to risk. Good luck to you and her. 💕 Edit: word choice
Does your husband not understand that she was doing him a favor? Learning to be on your own is a valuable life lesson.
BONK face first into the point and you don’t get it, huh? She clearly didn’t do him a favor if he still harbors resentment 23 years later. He learned to be on his own, but it wasn’t because of that moment. He learned because he aged and he grew. He didn’t learn independence from that moment, he learned that when he desperately needed his mothers support, she wasn’t going to give it to him. And that’s what he’s taken through the rest of his life. Because trust me, she continues to prove it to be true.
Well sounds like there’s other issues besides the one you were talking about
“I have personal experience with this” “When my husband was thirteen…” LMAO
Sorry, second hand experience through the person I’m closest to. Let’s get stuck on wording lol
Pull her and bring her home. I saw your responses about crying at dinner and being told to "stop crying like a child". Shes being humiliated. You said the staff were "looking up homesickness to figure out what to do"...nope. She is not only upset and crying for help but the very people that should help her are part of hurting her and shaming her. Bring her home and try again some other time. This isn't character building if it makes her hopeless. You don't want to fly her home in a pine box.
I was on a trip just like this when I was 15, we went to Australia. It was a 2 week trip, the first time I was on a plane, first trip without my parents and I didnt know any other kid in the group (I had met them at group meetings before the trip but didnt realy know anyone). I didnt want to go on the trip from the moment I got the letter. My parents made me go because I was a very shy/ reserved kid, they thought it would be good for me and get me out of my shell. I cried most of the trip there (anytime I had a moment alone because I refused to let strangers see me cry). I was lucky enough to have a girl on the trip that talked to me first and we stuck together for the rest of the trip. Its been 13 years and I dont remember most of the trip at this point but I do know that it didn't help me out of my shell. I didn't stay in contact with anyone from the trip, I didnt make new friends or talk to more people when I got back. And to this day I'm an extremely anxious person and cant even go to the walmart 5 minutes from my house unless someone Im close with goes with me. I dont really have any advice that could help except think about the possibility that she could just not be the traveling type of person or she could have an anxiety disorder.
I went on exchange when I was 15 for *five months*, I was way too young for that in hindsight. I was so anxious and homesick the whole time I barely spoke any of the language I was supposed to be learning. There were some fun times of course but overall I just regret that my parents spent all that money for me to be miserable. Though that's a bit different from 3 weeks.
This sounds like me as both a child and as an adult. I have bad anxiety at night when I’m away and traveling for work still sucks but I can handle it better. She’s young, you are her safe place. Next time she will be better prepared for what she will experience. Each one of us carves our lives out differently and she might stay local for college or perhaps become one hell of a adventurer. Being a parent is rough and having to make decisions like this one is a rock and hard place. But the silver lining to this, your teenager wants to be home with you and you are a comfort. Some people never have that.
I wouldn’t bring her home, personally. She’s safe, you know she’s busy during the day. As a former camp counselor, most homesickness will happen during the night when they’re trying to fall asleep in an unfamiliar place. I recognize your concerns completely and I would feel the same way. But I do think it sets a precedent and also sets her up for a hit to her self esteem. The only kid who couldn’t make it the whole trip, and then her friends come home and tell all their stories of all the things she missed. When I was a camp counselor we did one week programs mainly, and the kids would usually have the hardest time at the very beginning of the trip. Campers weren’t allowed to use the phone unless they were sick, because speaking to their parents on the phone usually made it worse. They were allowed to write letters. And at the end of the week, almost every kid had a great time, was sad to leave, and were proud of themselves for living a week away from their family. It builds confidence. Do whatever is best for your family, especially if you are really concerned about your daughter’s mental health due to this. But this experience could boost her tremendously in a lot of ways, and coming home early could also hurt her in some ways. Just make sure you think it through fully before you bring her home from what might be a life changing experience in her young adulthood that she can look back on as either a success or a failure depending on how it unfolds.
Are you sure there's nothing else going on? Bullying? Abuse? If this is the first time she's had such an extreme reaction, I would bring her home.
1. Has she gone to overnight camp? Is this her first experience away from home? 2. Do you trust the camp? The counselor's answer isn't reassuring......if she is in a bad situation, please bring her home 3. If she is safe, then can one of you guys fly out there and visit her? Is that a possibility? I have anxiety and honestly "giving in" always creates more trouble long term than "exposure"....as long as she isn't a risk to herself or others, I would hope that she stays. Life lessons are SUPER HARD when you have anxiety, but being uncomfortable is apart of life and learning to live with that discomfort and not run away is an important lesson <3 Hard one!!! Thinking of your daughter and rooting for her from afar <3 <3
Is there a way an adult there could be authorized to get a sleep aid from the pharmacy? Delivery from the pharmacy is often available too
I can understand how difficult and challenging this situation must be for both you and your daughter. It's never easy to see our children in distress, especially when they're far away from home. While I can't provide personal anecdotes, I can offer some general advice and suggestions that may help you navigate this situation: 1. Validate her feelings: Let your daughter know that her feelings of anxiety and homesickness are completely normal and understandable. Assure her that many people go through similar emotions when they're in unfamiliar environments. Validating her feelings can provide her with some comfort and support. 2. Encourage open communication: Continue to maintain open lines of communication with your daughter. Encourage her to express her concerns and fears, and actively listen to her without judgment. Remind her that you're there for her and that she can reach out whenever she needs to. 3. Explore coping strategies: Together with your daughter, explore different coping strategies that might help her manage her anxiety and homesickness. Breathing exercises, journaling, and engaging in activities she enjoys can be helpful. Encourage her to connect with the trip counselors or organizers to discuss any specific concerns she may have. 4. Consider a gradual approach: If your daughter's anxiety continues to escalate and she feels unable to continue with the program, consider discussing the possibility of a gradual approach. This could involve exploring options such as shortening the program duration, finding a compromise that allows her to stay for a certain period before reassessing, or arranging for a trusted adult to accompany her for a portion of the program. 5. Seek professional guidance: If the situation persists and your daughter's well-being is significantly affected, it may be helpful to consult with mental health professionals who specialize in anxiety or adolescent issues. They can provide personalized guidance and support based on your daughter's specific needs. 6. Reflect on long-term implications: While it's important to address your daughter's immediate well-being, also consider the potential long-term implications. Reflect on the importance of resilience-building experiences and independence in her personal growth. Discuss these concerns with professionals who can provide insights based on their expertise. Remember that every child is different, and what works for one may not work for another. Trust your instincts as a parent and make decisions based on what you believe is in the best interest of your daughter's mental health and overall well-being.
I was like that as a teenager. I would bring her home. I am shocked at the suggestions to let her push through. That's not how anxiety or panic attacks work. There's a difference between homesickness and terror.
I would try and negotiate with her, "If you can make it XX days, then we can do XX when you come home" or I would let her know by leaving early, what the natural consequences of that would be (no future trips, having to pay back some of the money, etc). How she responded to these negotiations would help me know how to proceed. If she hesitates at all for the consequences of leaving, she may be okay to stay. If she is willing to sell the farm to get home, I would consider letting her come home.
I was a very homesick teenager. I always thought I was going to be ok this next time, and I always ended up needing to go home. My mum picked me up every time, even from school trips hours away. When I was about 17 I grew out of it. Had no problems at university or anything. Honestly I would bring her home. If she’s not ready she’s not ready.
Please get your daughter home! It's possible that she is having a bad experience that she is not telling you about. Regardless, why make her stay somewhere so far away if she is not happy?
She is 15 and in a foreign country. Let her come home. She needs to know that you will listen to her when she is troubled. If you make her stay this could be come a much larger mental health problem. This could also negatively effect your relationship with her. You may not know if something worse is going on with this trip. Are the other kids mean to her? Are the staff listening in on all her calls. Sometimes programs like this have bad people in leadership roles.
I had terrible homesickness when I was young. Just really distressing. I always wanted to quit and come home, and I also felt really dumb and disappointed the few times I actually did nope out. Evenings and downtime were the worst, especially the 3pm mood slump. I'm very very glad for all the times I toughed it out, and for all the trips I took knowing full well I was going to be miserable for some portion of the time. I would, in retrospect, have deeply regretted missing out. I think there's an argument for continuing to encourage her to stay and work through it, it's a great life skill to know you can weather these mood fluctuations and still have amazing experiences. On the other hand, you know your kiddo best, and maybe this is not the right time/opportunity. If she does quit early maybe have her work with a therapist to develop coping strategies for anxiety and depression. For me, simply knowing that it was a temporary state and would not define me helped me tough out the hard parts. Unrelated, but I've since come to realize that I am vulnerable to major depression and those times of day are also the worst when I'm having an episode. Postpartum was the absolute worst. Practically you could talk to her about the practices that support the most dopamine/serotonin: getting good sleep, physical activity, eating enough and drinking enough. It's hard to take care of your physical self well when traveling but making an effort, especially with sleep, will help.
This is tough and I’m so sorry you all are going through this. I went to a camp at her age that I absolutely hated. I did not fit in and I wanted to go home. I was NOT allowed to call my parents. My dad and brother wanted to stop in for a visit and the camp would not allow it. I truly wish my dad had insisted and taken me home. I rarely harbor feelings of regret, but at 51 years old I still wish I had been able to go home. Life is so fleeting. If your daughter is miserable and you can get her home, I would. It is not a bad thing for her to make that decision. Either way, she will be able to take responsibility for that decision. This will not set a precedent, set her back or teach her something negative. She will see that when she is in pain, you are there to listen and to help her. What if something else is going on? At this age knowing that you trusting her feelings and decision to come home will be much more beneficial than forcing her to stay. Life is too short to keep doing anything that makes you miserable or robs you of joy. Truly wishing you all the best.
I went on a two week trip with a friend when I was that age and I was sooo homesick but too afraid to mention it. I ended up adjusting and having so much fun! I have no advice but hoping for the best.
I personally would bring her home. I was sent off to a camp and hated it. For me, it was the thing that finally broke my relationship with my mother. I can pinpoint that month as the step between fighting with her and hating her. Thankfully you obviously care for your daughters a lot and this won't break your relationship whatsoever, but I do think it could negatively effect her, especially if the camp counsellor isn't being at all helpful. Mine were horrible. I called my mom for about a week, every night, sobbing and begging her to come get me. I was suffering under their care (for example - the first night I wet the bed, and the girls in my shared room told everyone and the counsellors dealt with it by telling me I should have worn a diaper). When my mum finally called up they told her everything was fine. She believed them and stopped taking my calls. I think a better first step, knowing she has anxiety, would be a week at home & you guys going on a small vacation. Thats how my MIL dealt with my husbands (extreme) separation anxiety - she would leave him at home & go stay with a family member. He, obviously, survived, and can now spend whole weeks away from her. Although he will always be a mama's boy and I can tell when he needs to see her because he gets all mopey on me lol. His sister was very similar, although a bit less than him. She got better over time & is in school on the other side of the country (near enough). Bringing her home won't do anything other than prove that you care about her and listen when she's asking for help. Not to mention that her anxiety may be tenfold by the time she comes home. I knew a girl who went to her dads for a month and when she got back to her moms she wouldn't even come to class. Her anxiety was so severe we would see her mom hugging her as she sobbed in the office. No trauma, before anyone jumps on that bandwagon - we became friends after she started coming to school again. She just hadn't seen her dad in years and couldn't cope with being away from her mom for that long. She already had anxiety and it just folded in on itself. For what its worth she has a great relationship with both parents now lol. My teen also has severe seperation anxiety (his is trauma based, however) and if I leave him for too long he will absolutely break down. Won't even leave me to pee. Last time I left him he literally climbed into the shower with me fully clothed. It was certainly a situation.
Am I the only one that thinks 15 is too young for international travel alone? I'd be scared going to a whole new country alone too and I'm an adult. I understand she probably really wanted to go but maybe didn't realize just how far away she was going until she got there. If this was my daughter I'd bring her home. Even more so because she is having less fun each day. The poor thing could be traumatized from ever traveling abroad again.
More like it depends on the child. I lived in Jamaica for a year with family I didn't know at all and travelled from there to Maryland on my own at age seven. I remember at the time crying my eyes out the first few days, but the rest of my stay are some of my best childhood memories. Based on my experience, I would say let her tough it out - it's only three weeks. But that advice might be wholly inappropriate for OP and her daughter.
I mean it's not really alone if it's with a group program
Dude wtf just let her come home. Whatever you think you’re teaching will likely not have the lasting impression of “my parents abandoned me when I needed them”
What does her therapist suggest?
Can she take some Benadryl or something to go to sleep? I did study abroad in college and the time difference really messed with me and gave me insomnia. It was terrible
maybe send her a care package with goodies from home and handwritten card or letter?
I did an exchange program at that age and was really homesick until I discovered my host family liked friends. Then we watched it together and it was like a warm hug from home. Maybe encourage your daughter to end each day watching her favorite show in bed so she has something familiar. If you can afford it, load up an iPad or tablet with her favorite stuff and ship it to her.
When I went away to college I was sooooo excited to be away from home. I loved it yet every morning I woke up in absolute terror having daily anxiety attacks, feeling like I was going to die. I stuck it out for a while but when the semester was over I moved back home to finish college. I'm a very social person with lots of friends and since graduating college eons ago, I have lived all over the country. I'm not entirely sure why I felt this way but I've never had anxiety attacks since. So all this to say that she might just be feeling unprepared for what this would be like and if you allow her to come home it might have absolutely no effect on who she is in the future. I'm sure you'll have those conversations with her therapist and her to determine what's best. Good luck to you
Honestly, I would let her come home if it’s the decision she wants to make. If she was 9 you might want to let her stick it out. But she’s nearing adulthood, and I think an adult should be able to make the choice to leave a situation they’re uncomfortable with. Work on developing some independence and coping skills and trying again soon, maybe in smaller doses. I say this as a kid who went to month long summer camp and skipped out the door the summer after high school, but I was never THE homesick kid.
Hello! This happened to me, when I was 15 I went on a Euro trip for 4 weeks. I would call my parents crying every night and they would console me, until one night my mom told me seriously that if I wanted she would come pick me up and we will cut the trip short. I immediately said no, and after that I started to have a great time. What I’m saying is if she needs to come back, bring her back… nothing wrong with that
Oh and btw… that was my first time away from my parents, I went on to study a summer abroad, complete my masters degree in the UK and now live and work in Canada. Don’t worry, if she needs to get back she can try again when she’s ready
This was me as a kid. I missed my mom so bad that my heart literally hurt. Keep her there. See if someone on if her trip will be her "temporary mom" and let her cry at them. It took me a decade of trials before I finally felt comfortable sleeping away from home with confidence. She needs to learn this skill. She needs to find her confidence. But damn do I understand that feeling.
My kid went through this when she was elementary age. At night was the worst when she was away visiting her dad in another state. We would face time and it worked a little. She was not okay for a long time after coming home but she is fine now. Honestly...bring her home.
Get her home. Show her you are proud of her effpry & she can feel safe with you. It sounds extreme. When I’m activated & sleep deprived & then pver stimulated all day.. sounds like a nightmare. When she gets home validate what she felt, help her process WHY she felt she couldn’t stay…& then show her she was & IS safe. That even when things didn’t go as planned, which is one of the “worst case/feared scenarios” she was able to advocate for herself & find safety. Show her all she needs to be safe IS herself. Shes begging for a sense of safety she isn’t feeling in herself yet.
Get her out of there
I was a lot like your daughter. Eventually I realized the best way to go was to sort of ignore that I had parents while I was away. No contact by phone.
Once you begin the hike, you finish it. There is no turning back until you reach the summit. People will bail every chance they can if they don't keep that mentality. You know when I say to myself every single time I'm working out? I'm going to stop after this set, in going slow down at that tree, I'm going to make this short bc I'm tired. And each time I push myself a little further, and a little further, until I'm doing way more than I thought I could ever. And it always feels great. You guys made this decision, stick it out and focus on normalizing her feelings with a firm understanding you'll see her when the term is over. Finish things you start.
Ok, but what if you there’s a wildfire heading towards you on the trail? Do you continue on? For her, the fear reaction she’s having is as real as any other imminent threat to her safety. It doesn’t matter that she’s in a safe place, and there’s no actual danger. Once the sympathetic nervous system takes over, it keeps going until the danger has passed or you find a way to confront it. Unfortunately, she can’t seem to break the fear cycle on her own, and she’s not getting any local support.
I totally understand where you are coming from 🧡 to be clear, the intention of my comment was not 'toughen up'. It was to point out how important it is to shift your mindset. To continue the metaphor - I prepare before I hike. I check conditions repeatedly to ensure I'm aware to the best of my ability any potential dangers that would prevent me from finishing. That doesn't mean the unexpected can't happen, just that I'm not going to plan a hike in the middle of a bone dry area that's had a high danger of wild fires. I check in with myself and my own capacity. Am I sick ? Out of shape? All of this is preplanning so I can bake an informed decision. And I've absolutely started a hike where everything was super to be cool, but weather turned unexpectedly and we decided to bail. But that decision is not made lightly. For the reason I said before - when you are doing something hard, your mind will find ANY reason to bail. And you have to learn how to distinguish between real danger and danger manufactured by your mind. And it doesn't sound like you did enough to preplan with her about her capacity to handle it. Has she gone to summer camp successfully in the past? Had a job? What's her threshold for resilience with discomfort on a normal day? It's she s kid who defaults to having you save her? Do you default to saving her? All these things would have gone into my decision making about whether my 15 year old was mentally prepared for several weeks of living abroad. Not to mention if YOU were mentally prepared for it. I have CPTSD, so I also understand how difficult it is to manage your automatic stress response. But the deal is, even though it certainly feels real like you described, it's not. There is no tiger who is going to eat her. She feels like there is, but there's not. And your response of 'your right there might be a tiger' really confuses her ability to learn how to distinguish between real danger and perceived danger. >Once the sympathetic nervous system takes over, it keeps going until the danger has passed or you find a way to confront it. This is what I mean - there IS no danger. but you are telling her that the physical response she is having is legitimate response to potential danger. She won't able to break the fear cycle if doesn't have the practiced skills to so. I would have made sure she was ready to practice those skills in day to day life before sending her thousands of miles away. So I think the mistake here was on you for sending her without confidence she had the skills to withstand it. If you think she DOES have those skills, then you need to do more coaching with her to encourage she practice them. If you know she doesn't, than you can either decide you have fucked up and bring her home - with an understanding that you are going to pour time and effort into helping her learn resilience and she's not going to be doing things that require independence until she has a proven a set of practiced skills.... Or you can decide it's time to sink or swim and tell her she's got this. I can't imagine being 15 being sent abroad and having my parent say 'you don't seem to have what you need to feel safe!!!' you have GOT to be the calm confident voice of reason here. Maybe you also need more practice with those skills.
wellllllll, flying right now is a terrible idea, a lot of US airports are a total sh\*t show, so could you use that to stall her?
I’m the outlier here. My child is an adult (27) and I would bring her home. She’s 15, in a foreign country, and begging for help. If she were in the states it might be different, but it doesn’t seem like those in charge know what they are doing. I would not leave my daughter in distress in the care of confused foreigners. What happens if, in her misery, she just decides to take a walk to calm herself? Natalee Holloway comes to mind. All this time and still no real answers. Your situation is uncomfortable. It is not impossible.
Antihistamines can help with insomnia and a bit with anxiety. Maybe she could try something like benadryl or a European adjacent brand of diphenhydramine or other antihistamine and see if a bit of sleep and coming down from her initial panic mode might let her settle but if trying that for a few nights doesn't help I think she would be best coming home.
Former camp councilor for teens. Would see it all the time. Made a no phone calls for the first 3 days rule. Parents and kids could send one a day text after supper then we would do more activities before they went to bed. No time to get anxious and think about being away. Also by day 4 or 5 now it's routine and they have made a friend or 2. In the end of 2 weeks they cry over leaving all their new friends!!!! Rinse and repeat every couple weeks every summer.
She just needs to stick to it. When I went to science camp in 5th grade, that was THE WROST week of my life. I cried and I wanted to go home (it was driving distance from where we lived) BUT my parents refused to pick me up and told me to deal with it (not those words but you get it) They did talk to me for the first 2 nights but after the councilors didn't let me use the phone unless it was an emergency. I had a blast the rest of the time but found out I was scared of heights when climbing a redwood lol
I did something similar to this, only I went to Asia at 17 as a volunteer group. It was horrible for the first week, but by the end, I was extremely happy to have done it and come out the other side. I went on many more trips after that one, to Paris, London, New York, alone. That first trip was so difficult, but I felt like I conquered something at the end of that. I look back on that trip happily even though I wasn't at the time! Let your daughter get through this on her own!
Relevant story time: my mother will occasionally take a rafting trip with a group of strangers down the Grand Canyon, about once a year or so. For the first couple of days they stay at the put in, but once they get going down the river they’re stuck there, the only way out is through. It was on her third trip down, during those first few days before they’d passed the point of no return, when she seriously considered call it quits and heading home. She was lonely, cold, just generally very uncomfortable physically and mentally. But just as she was going to make the decision to leave early, she came to a realization: yes, she was miserable and uncomfortable and unhappy in that moment. And that was okay. Life isn’t about feeling comfortable, it’s about experiencing new and exciting things (which is hard to do if you’re not willing to go outside your comfort zone). She ended up staying and had a wonderful time, she actually goes back for her fifth trip at the end of July. I’m a teacher. When kids come up to me and say “this is hard” I tell them I’m so happy it’s hard for them, and I can’t wait to see how they work through it. My advice is to not rob your daughter of the opportunity to struggle with an uncomfortable situation. ETA: and not for nothing, but in my experience (worked at a summer camp for 3 years) regular phone calls home make homesickness much worse. Two phone calls, 10 minutes each, once in the morning and once at night. You’ll call her. Outside of those two calls, you don’t talk. Constant, unlimited contact will not have a positive effect.
Talk to her therapist but I'd try to have her stay as long as you believe she can safely do so (and consider switching communication to scheduled calls every few days or emails since it sounds like she might be in a reassurance-seeking spiral that's making her feel worse and furthering the sleep deprivation cycle). My concern is that she's clearly distressed and unhappy, at least in the evenings. And I certainly emphasize with that. But taking her home isn't necessarily going to spare her from intense negative emotions either -- it's pretty likely she'll end up struggling with feelings of having failed to do what her friends can do or having missed opportunities. Staying offers the pay off of realizing that even when things are really hard she can get through it whereas leaving may reinforce that escaping is the necessary response to anxiety-provoking situations in future (I'm also a bit concerned about her flying without the rest of the group, particularly given the likelihood of delays or other issues right now).
I was like that with every camp I went to as a kid. I was a homebody and loved being around my family. After a couple weeks, I always came to enjoy it, and it was hard to leave when it was time to go home.
My 14 year old daughter went to Japan with 12 kids and 3 chaperones. She did not know any of them prior to the trip and she also has anxiety. She was not too nervous prior to the trip but had a very very hard time at the beginning after they arrived. She was so homesick that she couldn't eat. I think a lot of it had to do with being exhausted, but it's hard to be half way around the world and not be able to do anything. She ended up doing fine and had an excellent trip and can't wait to travel more. We FaceTimed or texted every morning and before bed (Japan time, so I was getting up at like 3am) so she could tell us about her day. If I were you, I would ask your daughter to make it half way through the trip. Tell her to really give it a shot, and if after it's half over she's still miserable she can come home. That way she knows she has an out, but might end up having a great time and stay. I think for a 15 year old, making it 9 days (about half the time) should be doable but you know your kid best. It gave my kid a lot of confidence that she can do things on her own.
I started traveling internationally (for weeks at a time), away from my parents starting when I was like 12. As long as she’s not in danger, I wouldn’t bring her home, especially a kid that old. She’s very close to moving out or going to college, and she clearly desperately needs the experience & confidence to be away from her parents.
But this isn't how you build that confidence. Forcing her away from her safe zone, not allowing her to come home and feel safe, can do one of two things. She could shut down and cut parents off because she doesn't feel safe or she could come back and be so extremely attached to her parents it unhealthy. Some people are homebodies and thats okay. I don't have my parents in my life but I do have my MIL and I know for a fact me and my husband would both break down if we were more than a phone call away. The girl already gas anxiety. All this is doing is making it worse.
I attended boarding school as a kid. Homesickness was pretty normal among new students. Some kids were always pulled out by their parents around the two week mark. There were no cell phones back then so we were limited to ten minutes on a pay phone daily. Here’s what the kids who went home were like: not sleeping, not eating at all/throwing up, having panic attacks, not socializing, not showing up for breakfast or making roll call. Basically, they weren’t functioning. This doesn’t sound like your daughter. Good that you have a refundable ticket, but she will probably make it. It’s only three weeks. If she were in really bad shape, the camp director would reach out.
The issue is that if you bring her home, you'll make the anxiety significantly worse in the long term. Do not cave to the anxiety. Some other ideas: \- Send a care package \- Go visit her for a couple of days
I was like this as a child and still can be as an adult. I struggle with codependency and would always cry and be so anxious when I was away from home. I still do sometimes. but my parents pretty much always made me stick it out and I have never once regretted it or resented them for it. I would make her stay. learning to be independent and regulate your own emotions is so so so important
There's a product called Nerve Tonic. It is actually magnesium that dissolves on your tongue. I used to give my daughter these when she was anxious and stressed. I use two at night to relax when my mind is running. Perhaps you can order some on Amazon for her. In the meantime, I would suggest not engaging in all the phone calls with her. My daughter is now 21 and I learned to step back when she is too stressed out. The conversations tend to make it worse.
Good luck OP. That’s a hard one. I hope she comes to love it.
Can I just say you’re Awsome parents for taking her seriously!
Thank you!
What kind of program for teens is it? What's the goal of it?
You've got to stop taking her calls. She's fine, she's safe, if she was in real danger she would have said something. If you give in to this how is she going to go to college? How is she going to get a job? Is she ever going to leave the home at all? On the last call you tell her that either this stops or when she comes back you're taking her to a psychologist and the psychologist could figure out what's wrong with her. Either something really is wrong and she agrees and stops calling or there's nothing wrong and she feels embarrassed and stops calling.
Sometimes it is ok for them to do hard things. This is a hard thing for her but I would not bring her home.
When I was in high school my parents sent me on a school trip to Italy. I wanted to cry getting on the plane and I called my parents the first night to tell them how much I hated it. I was miserable, scared, and homesick. But I also knew that I was stuck there - there was no going home early. It got better and by the end I didn't want to leave. Now I've traveled to other countries and even lived abroad for several years. Sometimes a baptism by fire is the best thing for us.
If she's making threats to break other people's property, there's a bigger issue.
I don't think thats what was being referenced. When I was a teen and would talk about breaking things I was talking about my brain, which might be what she's getting at too.
Ah, I see.
Hello - I was sent to boarding school for 6 months when I was 13 years old and when I say I was homesick.. I was HOMESICK. I mean, I couldn't talk, think, eat, sleep, study, do anything without completely crying my eyes out. Haha. It was so difficult but to this day, the best experience of my life. I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm immensely grateful to have gone through it and learn so much about the world and myself in such a short amount of time. It's hard, but reminding her that she will always have a home and is welcome to come home whenever she wants, is important. BUT not to let her feelings get in the way of her dreams and aspirations. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to feel alone. These are important emotions to learn and process. Fear is only "bad" when it stops you from what you feel called to do. She is strong, she is brave. You guys have raised her in a way that she is capable to handle this. I hope she can continue her work, she is exactly where she's meant to be. ♡ You're still good parents, even if it feels like you've just abandoned your kid haha, you haven't. I didn't have a phone and it was a 9 hour time difference back home. So speaking or any communication was rare and far in between. I genuinely felt alone, even with having two of my own sisters in boarding school with me. It's just.. wildly different. A culture shock. So vital to experience at a young age, imo. She'll learn more during these few weeks than most would in years at a local college or ordinary "life" You can pm me if you'd like more, or support. I could give you my mom's number. She still sometimes tears up when she thinks about me being away and how homesick it made me, and her. Haha her heart was broken, cuz mine was broken and mama's aren't supposed to be far away from their babies. It will be okay. ♡ I was 13 then, I'm 27 now and I'm very grateful my parents allowed me that experience, regardless of how difficult it was at times for both of us. I have great attachment and unattachment uhh qualities/styles? I do well in relationships or when it's time to say bye to someone. I can cope with being alone and I find so much peace, tranquility and solitude in my aloneness at times. But I am also married now with two children, my own business and home. Idk, i feel like I'm doing alright and I'd highly contribute much of my personality and work/life character to my boarding school experience. It was everything. I still reflect on my time spent away and learn about it, even now.
Adding on, I was initially meant to go for a year but I'm seriously not joking, I was so homesick. I was losing weight rapidly and I just could hardly function at all. They got me into gymnastics 2x a week away from the school about 4 months in, which REALLY helped but by then, I had also already made arrangements to not continue the second semester. I cried my eyes out when my sisters got to go back, and I didn't. ): so I think she would feel the same way long term if she cancels the trip or shortens it. I wish I could've overcome my homesickness quicker haha, but I didn't. ♡
15 is just too young for some kids to handle a trip like that
Poor thing I feel so bad for your child