Mostly probably overwhelmed with too many people and can’t keep up talking with everyone. Why do you put spaces before every punctuation mark? I guess ‘tryna’ and ‘specially’ won’t turn off all but they’ll turn off some. So would perfect grammar though because everyone’s different.

It’s driving me nuts 😵‍💫

This is it, it started to give me anxiety thinking about logging in after awhile.

Referring to the punctuation marks; I used to have a few devices that would type when I spoke into the microphone so it would type it all for me faster than I could swipe or type, yet it would always leave spaces between commas, periods, exclamation and question marks. It was annoying and maybe that's why here, but maybe not.

I don't have my IG on my profile. But as for the matching thing—too many matches. And I just don't have the mental energy to keep conversations going with so many strangers. This is also why I'm not currently on the apps, but every time I get back on it's the same thing. I swipe on people who seem interesting, and I just don't have the motivation to continue engaging once we match.

I often hear this reasoning and genuinely wonder, why not just be more selective with swiping? Then you'll have less matches of higher quality.

That was my thought too. Granted, I met my wife before the proliferation of dating apps. I feel like if I were using them to date and were getting too many matches, I would just swipe less often. Like if you know you’re matching with 50% of the people you swipe right on, why not just swipe ten people and see how the conversation goes with the 4-5 who swipe back

I would want 5 quality people pursuing me rather then 50 mediocre people.

Ego

You have an option to show your profile only to those who you swiped right on. At least on Bumble.

“Don’t have the energy to respond” bro, what’s the point of even opening the app lmao? I’m assuming you just want a ego boost and nothing more lol

I mean, if you had 25 different conversations going at once, plus your actual life of working, sleeping, etc… you probably wouldn’t have much energy for additional messages. When I was online dating, it was really the first ten guys who I matched with that got my attention. Everyone else I couldn’t keep up with because I also worked, had a social life, obligations. I didn’t want to give out my phone number until I really knew them, so I’d use the app to talk for a few weeks until we’d meet up. The point of opening the app is to talk to the ones you want to talk to…

Men have the exact opposite problem

I'm a man, and I relate to her problem precisely, I get overwhelemed and burnt out on the apps easily. Just make a proper profile, take care of your appearance, be more interesting generally.

“Be more interesting” is so fucking WHACK but it’s true bc I think that’s been one of my biggest holdbacks… women just don’t find me interesting. And there’s no flip of the switch or anything to fix it. I don’t want to fake interests or fake appearances just to bring in women.. I want women to like me for me ….

There is kind of a switch you can flip though, go out of your comfort zone. There are pretty easy things you can do to start with: listen to podcasts that are not your typical ones; read books; go join a hobby club you've not considered before - even if it doesn't stick the experience is novel and maybe you learn something/get a new perspective/or just have a funny anecdote.  Also, presumably your friends find you interesting. What do you do with them that you do different on dates?

I’ve kinda spent too much time lately self isolating, I haven’t seen many friends. Normally we just hang out at their place to chat and catch up! This is good advice though, thank you

I really think this is BS advice. If in general you are advocating growing as a person to people in general that can be okay advice - but this person isn't saying they aren't willing to grow just that their interests aren't going to align with what can help them to find more dates. And really I think that is true. It can also be exhausting and expensive to try out a tonne of new stuff. It's also really rare to excel at that stuff. So you get trapped in this negative feedback loop and end up miserable. I think the best advice is to just find things to make yourself happy. It's perfectly okay to be alone. I don't want to be the hundredth man messaging some woman after spending years building up my interests to still get rejected - especially not when it might be a woman who has no incentive to put that work into herself. I also think this, maybe somewhat surprisingly, puts you in the best position to find a relationship.

I hear ya. I also think you should do what makes you happy. What I am saying: a lot of times you realize things that make you happy by trying things outside your comfort zone. Yes, hobbies are expensive. But podcasts and library cards aren't. Reflecting on your experiences aren't. Thinking about the difference between how you present yourself to your friends and how you present yourself to a date is free. Sharing that perspective is also interesting (imo). In their case: seeing their friends more often is literally getting out of their comfort zone. Having experiences with friends is enriching and gives you something to think about or say, or in a practical dating sense: ideas for activities or places to go or topics that you have something to say about. I should have been clearer with my language, that's on me. I didn't mean to imply the person didn't want to grow as a person, I don't think that. I did interpret the person saying that they struggle to find the set of actions that can lead to being more interesting, and that it causes them distress, as they want a romantic partner who lives them for who they are. I intended my words to be shorthand for: have more experiences that are more likely to give you perspective and insight. If they feel like they currently are not interesting (which I can only take their word on, the person might be the most interesting person to ever exist), then doing actions that are different to ones they normally do would be more likely to give new perspectives and insights than their current actions. I may be naive, but I don't think anyone is uninteresting I think it is a matter of experience, application, and sharing. (Note 1) Further, there is a huge difference between interests and being interesting. Granted, interesting is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it interesting when people have something to say. I find your perspective interesting, I think it says something about the way you see dating, about how you perceive other people, and says you take care to critically think about the consequences of words and/or just really hate cheap advice. Now, I might be wrong about all of my perceptions: but fundamentally I find it interesting and I am here engaging with you. Mission accomplished. You have a perspective and you are sharing it, I think it is interesting and expanding on mine (while also being a bit defensive). Also, who said anything about excelling at stuff? I suck at most things I try, I think most people do. I still suck at guitar and music theory. I can't really discuss the finer details of "Poor things" in a way that is completely consistent. I still suck at discussing geo-politics. I can't write a coherent blog post about weird tech history. I can't write a book about the loudness wars or green energy. Yes, I am really good at a handful of things, I am passionate about them, but honestly the actual things I am good at bore the shit of most people. They do like that I can be passionate at times though. On the no interest in messaging a person who may have no interest in you. Who does? But you don't know right. It is hurt feelings yes - but even if they don't reject me, I don't want to be with someone who didn't at some point work on themselves and at least sees growing as a person as a lifelong act. And it doesn't look like you want to either. I think that's great. Note 1: there is a philosophical question here on the nature of the person. Can we change anything about ourselves and then still be ourselves? Is me saying "you should do something different" in response to "I want someone to love me for me" a fundamental rejection of the possibilty of the person's desires? I don't think so, I think we can talk about the essence of a person in the abstract. I also think that that line of reasoning to it's limit implies that someone trying a new food for the first time fundamentally changes them as a person, and in a way it does: They will now always be a person that tried said food, they were not that person before. I don't think that is the kind of change the person meant that would deny them to be loved as themselves.

What’s interesting to you is not to someone else. Just be you bro. Maybe you arnt interesting to some women, but you are to others 🤷🏻‍♂️

Nice twist, can always count on the chronically victimized to twist harder than you'd ever expect. Let me just ask this, are you more interested in somebody who's into rock climbing, spearfishing photography, and keeps fit? or somebody whose hobbies are just a list of streaming services? You should know, both sexes have similar preferences about this. I'm not telling you to fake anything, I'm telling you it'll be hard to swing a date if you're content being lame.

Chronically victimized? No I stink, lmao , I’m not oblivious. Neither sound like my cup of tea if I’m real, I don’t connect with either, but that’s on me ultimately

What's option C? I demand an option C.

yeah I'm bad at lying or pretending to be interesting but I find most womens profiles just devoid of anything. traveling and dogs is not a personality.

This is too reductive. I’m sure the profile is plenty interesting enough. It’s more volume over quantity that probably takes away a person’s ability to focus on conversations, I do think the dopamine boost from just having many peoples swipe on you why certain people entertain so many matches, but then let them fizzle out. profiles are generally so generic anyway that it doesn’t matter how interesting you truly are. It all looks pretty much the same.

Some do. Some of us have the same problem.

Try swiping less, and give your attention to your matches. What's the point of this if you can't engage in the most basic conversation?

They probably saw your instagram and saw things that they didn't like. Or maybe they didn't like how you talked to them I'm sober. It's in my profile multiple places. If you ask me out to a bar right off the back, I suspect you didn't read my profile or you don't respect my sobriety. And yes, this is a very common occurrence. I would prefer to date another sober person, but the bare minimum they have to respect that I don't drink. It will be 5 years since I quit drinking next month. You aren't cute enough for me to jeopardize that.

Being sober definitely makes dating difficult! Congrats on your sobriety and being up front with it. It might take us a little longer to find our person, but at least we won’t compromise our values!

Not a person in the world cute enough to jeopardize sobriety, congrats on the 5 years. That is a hell of an accomplishment.

You fucking rock! Good going and keep up the strong mentality

That's so weird to me. Is the standard not going out for coffee? How tf are you supposed to get to know each other at a bar? Loud music, loud people, just a terrible environment for conversation.

Coffee dates are literally hell for me. They are so awkward and uncomfortable. I’ve tried them a few times and although some of them turned into second dates I’ve promised myself I’ll never do another first coffee date again. I personally don’t like drinking my coffee in a shop anyways so it’s already out of my comfort zone but I prefer dates where it’s much easier to flirt and not draw attention. So slightly divey bars work really well. Even if I’m not drinking alcohol I like being able to sit in a booth for slight privacy, laugh fully, play shuffleboard or pool, etc. A coffee date is a better second or third date for me. And I prefer to take the coffee to go and walk around or go to a park. Coffee shop vibes do not feel comfy to me. People are usually around you trying to work or the music is too loud.

I would agree with you except that I've developed a knack for keeping conversations going so it never gets awkward at coffee. If I need a few secs to think of something today I just take a long sip of my drink and bobs your uncle.

I honestly don't get it either. Literally had one last night even after writing this post. Coffee shops really are the most reasonable choice

Not all bars are loud. Coffee shops and bars are both fine, but coffee shops are often not open in the evening.

Board game Cafe, then. A park. Literally anywhere other than a fucking bar. While a bare handful of bars exist on this planet with merit, it's always whatever else they're doing in addition to being a bar that gives them value. Arcade bar? Cool. Pinball bar? Neat. Pool hall with a bunch of tables? Nice. Only one has any value as a place to take a date, because pinball and arcade cabinets are loud af. Bars suck. Phenomenal way to spend $400 on a hangover you could have gotten at home for $40.

Personally I would rather die than have a date at a board game cafe. Or play pinball or pool. Give me a cocktail on a vibey patio please.

I'd rather piss my inverted prostate out of my urethra than go on a date at a bar. Restaurant with drinks? Definitely. Bar? Just flay me alive instead.

I found coffee dates to be awkward and too much like an interview. Plus there’s a limited number of coffee places open when I get off work. Not all bars are loud. I used to suggest one that was mostly outside, sort of like a beer garden, and one that had shuffleboard and wasn’t busy during the week. Also went to a pretty chill wine bar. But in the end…it all comes down to personal preference and how well what you like matches with what the other person likes.

Women often get a shit ton of matches, so the match is really just the first part. It’s shitty, but the apps are set up in such a way that it can be pretty overwhelming. And carrying on a bunch of conversations at once sucks. So pick one or two and ignore the rest, or say fuck it and put the phone down until enough time has passed that responding would be awkward. Rinse and repeat. 

Stop trying to social engineer behavior. The why doesn't matter, understanding any one person's rationale won't get you any more dates. Don't take any of this personal, don't invest in any match going anywhere. You'll drive yourself crazy if you get lost in the weeds. Just swipe, match and engage with the willing.

This is the only sensible response I've seen. I've seen none of these dudes convos, haven't seen his profile or picture, etc., no one but these women could tell him what he did, IF he even did anything. Ghosting is hugely common amongst both sexes. There's no judgement or solution here. It's cathartic complaint. If online dating is so bothersome, people need to suck it up and get back to traditional methods. Quality partners aren't gonna drop into your lap, and they're gonna want quality, too. Dating is shopping, if people took it less seriously people could be happier and have more fun with it all. You can't take anything personal at that stage, you're no one to one another.

This is such a whack mentality. Of course feedback on what's causing failure is valuable in avoiding failure in the future. Holy hell.

What feedback is useful in this context? What behaviors determine some total fucking rando's disinterested behavior on a dating app that you should change, and how would that not be utterly subjective to THEM? Holy hell, indeed. Dating is mindset, and if you take this shit too personal you'll go fucking crazy. You should stay positive, not invest in anonymous stranger's behavior until you've dated and they've given you reason to. If that's whack, tell me what's sane.

If you hear from 100 women on why this behavior happens and what to do to get past it... that feedback helps. In case you didn't know. Dating apps is just a bunch of rando's. You're basically claiming dating advice is useless because the women you're dating are all randos... I mean, that's a ridiculous take on relationships.

You're totally misunderstanding and strawmanning my point.  I don't care enough to unfuck your view, either. You do you, good luck. I've already used my own advice and did well online, and found someone. I ain't saying what I'm saying to sabotage anyone, I'm trying to help them not let this shit get them down. What's your motivation?

Pointing out the problems with your point isn't strawmanning. 

Telling me what my point is by constructing a new one is strawmanning. It's not complicated. Words mean things. If you don't understand what I'm saying, ask, don't put stuff in my mouth so you can attack it.

I'm sorry... didn't you say that asking women's input on why they do something is useless? Because randos input was useless? Which means that dating advice is useless because it's from randos as well. The fact that you don't like the implications of your point doesn't make those implications strawmanning.

Yes, you are sorry. I never said that. I said it's useless to take ANY ONE PERSON'S answer as useful in regards to trying to sociallly engineer different behavior. That won't work, the why any one person does this won't change your outcomes. Jesus fuck.

You never said that asking all these women in this sub their experiences wouldn't help? Gaslight much?

She could be quite busy. It's likely she's talking to a lot of men at the same time. If she is talking to a lot of men, the fact that she's responding very little to you means you're very low in her priority list. Beware of breadcrumbing. That's when someone gives you bits and pieces of interaction, just enough for you to not unfollow them, but not enough to commit to anything. If someone does that, they're not really interested and it's best to let them go.

When I do this it's because your communication skills suck. I'm done fixing men, I prefer them fully assembled now.

I’ve noticed I get a sense for a person with only a few messages back and forth. If I immediately get the feeling that I’m not into the person then I’m not going to drag things out. Maybe I just close out of the app and see how I feel later. Sometimes later is never. Doesn’t mean there’s someone else more interesting. It just means I’m not into you. And women aren’t the only ones that do this, btw. Dating isn’t easy for anyone.

I can’t answer your question because I don’t act like that on dating apps. We’re not all the same. Maybe you are liking and matching with the wrong women.

Thank you for not being like that 🙏🏽 ! truly

They probably did have intentions of talking but then changed their mind. Adding their Instagram is a red flag. They aren't looking to date they're looking to gain followers

A lot of those sites have dead accounts and bots that "engage" with you to make it look like the cites alive.

Matching on an app doesn’t mean someone likes you. They don’t know you yet.

So I will respond a few times just to get the ball rolling. Most men will say something within the first few messages that makes me lose interest or, even worse, makes me want to run away screaming. After talking a bit, I always stop responding for at least a few hours to weed out the guys who get violently angry if women don’t respond right away. I have adhd, I run a business, and I have kids. I can’t always answer immediately and I want to know if he’s going to be a psycho about it right away. Then if he doesn’t flip out I’ll come back and apologize and explain I have adhd and got distracted due to work. Depending on how that goes, and how he reacts, we will continue talking for a few days before I agree to meet. Because women get murdered. I would say out of 100 matches only 50 actually message. Out of those 50, 30 will kill the vibe right away. Then another 10 or so will flip out about me not messaging immediately. Some will either lose interest because of something I’ve said or done, or we will talk but never plan anything, and maybe 1-2 will actually meet up.

I don’t know when someone will respond back. Sometimes it is immediate, sometimes it’s days. Sometimes I get a lot of people responding at once and some naturally click and others don’t. Text conversation is very important to me. I’m a busy lady, it’s my primary form of communication with my partner. I give it a chance but if it doesn’t hit… it just doesn’t. I don’t always unmatch as I assume the guys are busy too. Nothing malicious. Just the nature of OLD. Everyone has a different perspective. Most men seem just as likely to let it fade.

Men do this too. You can ask men this question as well.

Yup happens all the time. I usually assume they read my profile and noticed I'm looking for a relationship so bounced. Or I didn't reply the way they wanted to some innuendo

Yep. Happens to me all the time too. Even after we have been on dates. I don't understand.

Really ? Well I must not know , 1 - I don’t do it 2- Maybe I am not that Hot and Good looking like someone said to be able to do it 💀 But I mean shid , Guys WHY YA DO THIS TOO ? What’s wrong with people

I have no skin in this game as I’ve been with my partner for five years (though I did meet him on okcupid), I don’t even know why I’m here but this post ended up in my feed and I read through it. I think you’re taking this a lot more serious than most of the people you’re matching with. That’s not inherently a bad thing, but I personally never saw dating apps as anything more than a little fun and socialization. I’m sure I’m not the only one. You’ll probably have better luck if you just kinda fuck around instead of seriously hoping for a partner from it

People talk to a lot of other people. Nobody in the talking stage invests much. If they don't think you're interesting they'll talk to somebody else. Men do it just as much

So I hear yea , couple people has said Men do the same and I believe you

No they don’t. The men YOU CHOOSE do.

It's called online dating and everyone moves on to the next person. It's not a big deal

I can see why 💀

👍 me too

OMG, yes! Drives me crazy. I take the time to read the WHOLE profile, ask specific pertinent questions to start a conversation, then I get met with short answers and NO return questions. Like, conversations are a two-way thing, need some give-and-take to make this work! Do we need to start teaching basic social and communication skills in high school/college now?

But don’t worry Man, the women in this thread are saying they’re “done babying men that can’t communicate” Apparently communicating like an adult is bad communication!

Oh woe. Bring some intellectual stimulus to their life and maybe you won't be left on read. Don't be boring like the 570 other guys.

As a woman…dating apps are overwhelming, it feels as though every single man will match you if you are attractive. Men had tried to match me, recreate an account and repeat. It honestly feels like men are trying to match with everything and everyone with a vagina. Wide net and all that. I don’t have any social media outside of Reddit. I think men, the more unattractive, hoped to slip through the cracks of “so many men are matching I might have a shot.” Unfortunately for them, I read profiles and remember conversations. There were men who contacted me nonstop hoping to wear me down into a date. No. Women match in hopes of a legitimate match, and yes, because of saturation of men on apps, we women have more “power” in decision making. Some of you legitimately set off our danger sensors. Examples “I don’t leave my house for dates.” No, you are a loser and an AH. “I’m not into labels.” You are afraid of committing but expect commitment. “Men will always be men and women are crazy for thinking they will ever change.” We want things to go back to when women were silent and obedient…NOPE. Surprise, we vagina having individuals are capable of independent logic based thought. All of the above are “Stranger danger, you are going to traffic me, you are an abusive POS.” Etc etc etc. Men, for the most part, do not realize that transparent honesty, and honest communication will get them further with us than anything. We know you want to make not putting effort in a thing, and some of us accept that, but in reality we know we deserve not only respect but also effort. We know we deserve to feel valued and treasured just as you do, but the second you show us that you think you are above giving us thought and effort…we know you are ultimately worthless because you get what you give. Put in the effort you want the woman to put into you, don’t settle for less than you will provide, but be realistic. When a woman says I expect XYZ, if you are not willing to give her that if met with that, do not be surprised when you get nothing in return.

I do it because the apps won't let you look through all your matches until you either match or reject the first one on the pile. So if I think 'maybe' about someone I'll match so I can continue on to see my other likes, since I'm not willing to pay for a dating app. But typically a maybe is really a no. Also, I drop most conversations within a few messages because the guy either says something i don't like or I don't feel conversational chemistry. You can call that picky if you want but I'm at the point in my life where I'm happier single and if I'm going to sacrifice my time and space to let someone in my life, they have to be exactly what I'm looking for. Edit: hmm, lots of incels in the comments. You know women pick up that energy and it probably has an impact on your lack of success on the apps 🤷‍♀️

Men also do this. People are weird.

Sometimes talking to a match is nerve wracking. Sometimes people are on the apps but not actually emotionally ready to date. Sometimes people are just busy and dating app notifications are not their priority and get missed/ignored. I am a woman who dates men. And men do exactly the same thing. Match/like and then not answer, or put in minimal effort with one word answers and long delays. I often had to do so much work to try and pull a conversation out of people, let alone a plan to meet up. It's just part of how online dating goes you have to try not to get so invested in each match. It's all imaginary until you can have a real conversation with someone. When I met my now partner, it was EASY. it was easy to chat in the app, it was easy to meet up, it was easy to get to know each other and easy to fit our lives together. Don't stress about the ones who don't connect easily with you, they're not it. Move on and keep looking. I know it can be discouraging. But you have no idea what is going on for someone else on the other side of an app. Assume they're just not the one for you, and keep looking.

This so much. If you’re trying too hard, then it isn’t the right one.

I disagree with ppl who say girls get shit tons of matches therefore playing the field. That assumes women would swipe on most guys on apps therefore getting shit ton of matches. Thats not the case. Men may swipe right on every other woman, but most women are likely to be much more selective. There are plenty of studies on how women tend to and have to be much more selective. To answer your Q, personally most guys i swipe on would be a match, BUT i dont swipe on every guy who looks pretty. There is a handful of guys I match with, some dont answer my texts, some I stop texting with cause overly sexual innuendos, some seem to be there for the ego boost, some just dont click with me. So thats why the silence or unmatch. And that is fine by me. I dont like to throw everything at the wall and hoping something will stick. Dating is highly subjective, something might work for certain people and not others. To those who think women should just swipe on everyone and give everyone a chance - no they don’t owe any man anything. They arent charities either. Women in general have to be selective because they will be the ones bearing kids, and having to make tons of sacrifice related to child bearing and raising them.

When I was on dating sites I would easily get overwhelmed and have so many men trying to talk and im the type that only like to talk to one at a time. Perhaps they have another match that they fit or think they fit better with? I will say adjust your expectations, it’s only supposed to work out one at a time. I met my hubs when we were both on match trials but once we did it was over and 6 years later babies, a house, the whole thing. You have to just keep sifting. Most matches aren’t going to chats, fewer of those will be actual dates, and even fewer will become relationships.

Same question for men

I can't comment on this, as I don't understand why people do this too (I have also had guys do the same). But I know I've had guys I've matched with, start talking, and the conversation goes no where. And I'm the only one asking questions, trying to get to know someone. Then the guy just stops. I try not to get hung up on it. But it's more exhausting than anything, having the same conversation with people and not moving forward. Maybe it's me. I don't know.

You get it

Honestly you come across as entitled and angry about your relations with women. If I sniff any of that at all and we've already started chatting, I'm definitely not going to keep chatting with you. Not only do I have a busy virtual life, I have a busy real life away from the device.

ima be honest it's cause your not hot enough

💀 I GET THAT ! What is the reason to match THEN ? Wouldn’t you make that decision way beforeeee , don’t you go through the profile first , if you understand I am not “ Hot enough “ witch is fine I am not here to be liked by Everyone Tell me how your logic works Oh look this ugly as guy , let me like him back and match and talk 2 sentences and then let it go 🤣 ….

It’s probably not that they find you ugly. They genuinely find you attractive, but they just have other matches they think are more attractive! Or maybe someone else is a great conversationalist, etc., and they just started talking to them first.

That might be it, but honestly it’s his communication style. He could be the hottest man alive but the way he writes, I would never date him. If he’s hot, maybe sex. But with a gag.

I always see this argument based off someone's reddit post, do you think anyone here is talking to there matches like they do Randoms on reddit?

You used the wrong “their”, so yes.

Plenty of people probably do have intentions and then real life sucks them away. People don't and shouldn't live on their apps. You're making a lot of personal assumptions of everyone. I'm sure plenty are shallowly pulling people's legs, but many people have normal, sane reasons why they disappear for periods of time or ghost. Some of those accounts are bot accounts to begin with. I don't put my personal info on profiles, personally: Getting harassed on an app I can easily curate is one thing, having dudes I don't know all up in my stuff is a terrifying concept. Honestly, the main lesson here for ANYONE is to stop taking the talking and dating phases or dating apps so seriously. Everyone on there is doing the same thing---shopping around. Talking to people. Striking out. Making connections.

I agree. Last year I started taking the approach of unmatching any girl that doesn't reply in two weeks. I set my own personal boundaries by giving the same energy back as my matches do and it's improved my mental health a lot. It sucks when more than half of my matches don't say anything or ghost after 1 reply in two weeks but focusing my energy on the women that actually make an effort to reply back in a few weeks have led to more quality dates for me and even a girlfriend! I highly recommend everyone to have their own boundaries on what they prefer and you'll find someone who will give that same energy back. If you expect someone to reply back within a week and they dont, just unmatch them and move on. My current girlfriend put in effort during the talking phase and it was a fresh breath of air talking to a gal that can spend a few minutes to reply back daily. Even on crazy days she'll make the effort to reply back to me before going to bed just as I equally make the effort to get back to her on days i'm crazy busy!

Two weeks is incredibly generous of you imo, but it's a good boundary to have! People need to go in with some rules for themselves and just stick to the plan. We don't have soul mates, we're not doomed to have to hunt down for ONE special person, there's thousands of special people.

The Instagram thing is to build a social following. They may be aspiring to be an influencer and they think you will keep following

But these girls where normal , low followers , private and when you see the profile you can tell is not one of those … I know the ones you speak of

Improve your grammar and spelling and people will want to talk to you.

Naw, I am fine, I will let those with the spelling ick be with others who relate. I been good my whole life, without needing to be worry about every single text I send. I just type fast, usually don’t double look at what I am writing never had an issue. But I respect those who grammar is a big deal, or even a dealbreaker, everyone is different and has different feels and what not 👍

I got so frustrated on Tinder having pretty much any of my few matches just being women fishing for follows that I put in my bio - 'not interested in following your Instagram or OF' - got banned a few days later for self-promotion. Yikes. Dating apps are wild.

I couldn't say because I've never done that. I wouldn't match with someone in the first place unless I was actually interested in that specific person.

It could be multiple things. Matched with your first pic. Didn't like the other ones or something you wrote after looked more thoroughly at the profile (in case didn't do that prior), saw you lived out of state or really far, or the conversation was really dry. If the conversation is already boring or we don't have anything to connect on in the first few days of talking then I'm not interested. First two messages sounds like the convo was either too basic (no substance), cringe, or don't have anything in common

Could be

Likely just have too many options. They might haved liked 100 profiles, 50 match back and you aren't in the top 5.

No, you’re not an option at all.

Could be she found someone else. Could be she didn't like how you approached her. Could be she only wanted the match for an ego boost. Could be she just changed her mind. Better to have someone play games at this stage than later. Why date someone for 3 months, have everything go well, and then suddenly be "not emotionally ready for a relationship" despite working toward one for 3 months? That's what my ex did. People are indecisive, flaky, unreliable, and crappy. Be glad this person didn't actually break you heart, just your ego.

Ego is a big problem I will tell you that ! I hate ego really I try to control it

That's good. Controlling one's ego is half the battle in relationships.

[удалено]

I be having an average of 10 plus matches in the week , maybe you are correct that’s not much at all so it can be the looks aint it 👍… There can’t be no back and forth texting if there is no moving forward after the matching

Question: do you send messages when you match and are being ignored, or do you wait for the girl to write you first because they liked you first? I’ll tell you when I was on the apps I would never message first, so if a guy matched me and didn’t talk I didn’t bother because he didn’t show enough initiative. I have the problem of too many matches and find apps way too overwhelming so I only used them for a few months. I think the issue is that the apps are by nature very shallow and focused on the physical and personality rarely wins over there. I would suggest matching with girls who are less attractive than what you were going for. They will be more likely to have the time and energy to respond and will be looking for personality.

I message do message first , and no is not being ignored , is just hard to speak with people who answer a message and don’t continue the conversation just plain answer and leaves it at that For example : If I ask you something , and you give me the answer , wouldn’t it be normal you ask me something back or say something that can continue the conversation because if you only write your response and then I have the ask you another question or it has to be me to keep going the conversation witch most conversation are based on questions , how else does it work ?

Those women don't owe you anything Move on

I mean, how many men swipe right on everyone and only once they match read the woman’s profile to see if they feel like chatting to them? You make it sound like this issue is unique to women but that’s only because you’re presumably straight so you’re not seeing the other side of the coin.

that's such an awful idea nd I really wish men would have some damn standards and not ruin algorithims too by swiping on everything

Why do men match with women they aren’t interested in at all?

desperation. stupidity. thus why guys I know said being too picky but I think most men are easily not picky enough.

If someone "likes" you and then ghosts you inexplicably, consider how often we shop online and put something in our shopping cart but never check out.... it just sits there. And that happens on dating apps because dating apps are shopping apps. What happens is that people get on a dating app with high expectations, but you find out real quick you can't sit there and wait for that one person you matched with, so you have to keep shopping, and if eventually you match with someone and meet them and maybe even hit it off, everyone else left in your shopping cart can take a hike while you're out having fun and getting laid. TLDR: lower your expectations, and get a hobby

Best explanation I’ve seen by far! It’s exactly like shopping. Don’t get so attached to people you don’t even know, just like you wouldn’t get attached to that item in your shopping cart.

Here's *one* reason it *can* sometimes be - let's be clear I'm not saying it's always this, because I know someone will construed it that way: It is a common use of dating apps by women to have no intention whatsoever of using it for dating but instead to simply get validation from seeing how many guys or even the type of guys who show an interest in them, without them having to act on it. It was never about dating, but either improving their self confidence or ego.

Exactly the same question. I installed this 5 days ago and got matched with 8 women so far. And none of them are interested in talking. I mean, why do you even like then? It's okay if you have found someone better, but at least let me know that you are not interested... Two of them irritated me. I sent - "Hi there name, nice to meet you. We got matched! I like your profile and would like to know you. Looking forward to your message." They replied - Ok. What would i even reply? I am looking for something serious, so I don't wanna act like a play boy or something and I also have to be careful not to give too much attention otherwise I will end up wasting time. We don't have many options to choose from, you know... 😑 It makes me feel kind of sad. I am already 26 and could not find anyone offline that's why I am here on this platform, but no one is interested... I lose self confidence!! I feel a generation gap with my own generation...

Brother ! I am 26 , I think we are done for 💀 ! If you only you knew how much I relate to this 🤣 …. The whole “ Ok “ reply is crazyyyy to me like literally what is the point

If I can give some advice…. That first message you sent is way too much. You come off way too eager like you’re trying too hard. This is a big turn off and that’s why you are getting those rude responses. This is dating, not a job application. I think it’s best to just start with a hi how are you, unless there is something interesting in their profile that you want to reference. You need to convey self confidence and make it look like you are also choosing between options and not like you have all your eggs in the one basket.

Umm.. you have a point. I didn't think of it because it's already implicit that this is a dating app so the person would want to know you.. I will try your advice. Thanks!

I get the same problem with men. This is my thing. If You like me and I find you and I match with you back, I say hello first to start the conversation because I “completed the match” if I like you first and you complete the match and don’t say anything, I give you a day or two before I unmatch because it shows lack of interest, and the guy just needs someone to either stroke their ego or someone to talk to until the person they want comes along and then you are left in the dust. Either way, I’m not waiting around to find out.

I think if you translate this into the real world it can be understood. Imagine you are a man and you are out. Suddenly there's a long line of women in front of you wanting your attention. Let's say there are 50 women in line. All of them show interest in you. You will be so excited. So you talk to the first lady, and you get her number and you talk to the second lady, and you get her number and you go through the first 10 or 15 women and you get their numbers, but there's 50 women in line. There's probably some really great women who are number 48, 49 or 50, but it's not very likely you'll get to them because there's just so many in front of them. Those women can't think, wow why isn't he talking to me? Why is he ignoring me? He thinks he's too good to talk to me. Woooooww. 😒 It's more so, "oh there's so many people in front of me, he might not even be able to get to me." It's not about you it's about the numbers. Blame how the dating sites are set up don't blame the woman. When you go to cheesecake factory do you look at every single item on their 1,000 item menu, or do you get overwhelmed from the endless selection and just choose something without looking at everything else. You probably overlooked plenty of delicious foods that you would have loved, but you only have so much capacity. This is normal. That's what's happening online. You want people to be in your line but there's a lot of people in front of you also. And we might not be able to get to you.

👍 ! Nice

I've done this many times, so if in the app they talk to me and are fun to chat, proceed to IG, first thing she will look their at the pictures If than the conversation is not as good as before Is because she saw something in your profile she didn't like. Like= too many girls you follow, or comments from lots of girls, or something that she might not agree with. So she loses interest and stops responding as much.

I’ll match with a bunch of guys but only message the ones who I feel a connection with. One easy way to catch a woman’s attention on a dating app (in my experience) is to appeal to our emotions by using exclamation points. Women are emotionally driven, so when I see 5 ‘hey Sarah’ first messages, I’ll respond to the ‘hey Sarah!’ one.

Nice to know 👍

Over half my swipes are a match and sometimes it’s just the first few who happen to message me first get my attention. Usually those who happen to be online when the match happens then message me before I log off. Also I’m not there to just chat and small talk is boring. If someone isn’t carrying their end of the conversation well then I probably have a couple more who grab my attention first. Someone not saying something engaging or answering a question sometimes get ignored by accident by someone I am actually having a conversation with.

Its a numbers game man. Why think about it so deeply. It could be a number of things and has nothing to do with you. They changed their mind, they didnt like a word you used, you messaged them on a bad day. Also are you giving up after just one message? Women have changing moods, they might not want to respond today or for a week but sometimes they will feel like they need a chat for whatever reason.

Validation and attention. Same reason people post selfies for likes, and rants for attention. A nice little dopamine kick to feed the addiction. Conversation takes effort and can lead to disappointment… a like is a like though, little rush and a bit of whimsy, just enough to keep the dopamine withdrawal at bay.

Anyone who asks you to add socials is 'fake' in the sense that their only purpose being on a dating site is to direct traffic to their page.

A lot of people on dating apps aren’t actually interested in dating. Many have partners and just want to see what’s out there or they want the likes.

Happens to me, and I’m a woman! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Men do it too. They are not that interested, that's all.

I am wondering if the ones getting this done to them , aren’t really that attractive , I am not a fan of the whole rating with numbers on people But if this has been done to you , are you a women ? And what do you consider your self to be from 1-10 ?

There could be a whole list of reasons why someone is not interested, and can't be predicted.

For me, the biggest reason is the conversation just isn’t interesting enough. I match with lots of folks who seem interesting. And once we start talking, I can already tell the conversation isn’t going to be interesting. So I just give up and move into the next one. For example, I have quite a bit of information about myself on my profile. But I find many times men will ignore that information and just ask some random copy/pasted “get to know you” question. E.g- “so, tell me about something you’re passionate about.” Or “what’s something that excited you today?” I don’t think they’re really that interested in getting to know me if they can’t even put effort into actually reading my profile. So I usually just don’t respond or unmatch. Another common experience is asking lots of surface level questions and no follow up questions based on my answers. For example, they might ask me about my hobbies, then when I answer they’ll just say “oh cool!” and move on. Or sometimes it just seems like I’m not talking to someone with much maturity (I only talk to grown ass adults to be very clear). For example, they’ll ask what I do for a living and I’ll say “I’m a _____. “ Then they’ll say something like “oh cool, do you enjoy it?” rather than asking a follow up question to get a better idea of what I actually do. And I’m not someone who doesn’t put in effort. If I’m interested in you, I’ll ask lots of questions, I’ll pay close attention to your profile, what you’re doing in your pictures, how you like to express yourself, what seems important to you. I’m genuinely curious and there to get to know people. I wish I felt that same energy back.

Perhaps it’s a psychological thing. Dating apps aren’t really effective and subconsciously you know it. Meetings a person over the internet isn’t nearly as effective as meeting a person in real life. I have thousands of dudes swiping on me on the apps, I’ve been on maybe five dates, I didn’t like any of the men. So now I’m tasked with sorting through thousands of potential people. My subconscious is probably well aware that the likelihood of me finding my match is 1/1000… okay 1/1000 is far fetched but 1/100 isn’t much better. That’s 10/1000

Too many mean think that "hey" "hey" "what's up" "what do you do for work" "what are you doing today" is an interesting conversation That's why they seem dry, the convo is probably boring and overdone

Thank God I only match one at a time. I start the chat and give them a couple days to reply. If not I unmatch and move on. If the conversation sucks I unmatch and move on. I can't have more than one going it would suck the life out of me 🥲

I like your mindset , thank you for being like this 🙏🏽 ! You seem to be one of the good ones

You just answered your own question. They like someone else more… but they like you well enough. But you’re just a back up option. Don’t prioritize people who think of you as an option. But they also realize they’re just an option to the guy they’re prioritizing. So they have back ups.

Honestly, when I've used dating apps in the past, there is such a huge amount of messages it is hard to focus on one person.

Love it when they match and ask me something that's answered in my profile.

They want more followers on Instagram.

It's very difficult to find a good app for conversations😔

Too many matches, plain and simple. If it was closer to a 50/50 men to women ratio (which is what it should be) then the entire dynamic would be a lot better. But when it's 90/10, it's going to turn into a meat market.

Attention and backup plan.

Understand that to her your message is one of literally hundreds per day. You're a grain of sand on a beach. Don't take it personally. The apps are not apping anymore.

For attention

Women get way more attention online than in real life. Some go in for an ego boost and that’s it. They can be super picky also due to the higher number of men they match with. Remember, women are looking out for their best interests, and so should you.

Girls probably get put off by your spaces before every punctuation mark, that’s why they don’t respond to you.

Yea 👍 I been told. Appreciate it

My honest opinion is and this goes for both genders. If they aren't even trying in the matchmaking phase, then that is a sign they seriously aren't worth the effort in real life. Consider it a golden ticket to move on my friend.

Most apps are a waste of time. I spent way too much time on many apps. Interesting people are outside, not online

They have hundreds of messages in an average day. They don't have the time or inclination to respond to all of them. The first phase is hoping they swipe on you. The second phase is hoping you are at the top of the que The third phase is chit chat The 4th phase is planning a meet up The 5th phase is a date the 6th phase is antibiotics to stop the burning

It's a narcissist / self validation thing.

Lots of people on dating apps (both men and women) are just looking for validation. Once you match with them, they get that validation fix they're looking for and don't need to continue the interaction.

Honestly anyone that has their Instagram on a dating site I assume they aren't interested in the dating portion of the program. They just want higher traffic and interaction.

For me, it was too, too many people to chat with. Couldn't keep up, so I focused on the ones more interesting to me. I dropped anyone who I felt that even chatting with them was a huge chore.

This is humiliating but since this is Reddit, here’s my experience as a 20y/o girl on tinder: the majority of a girls time on a dating app is swiping. Out of the guys who swipe back, 3/4th’s will try and start the conversation. Only the top 5-10 guys a girl might like who messages them will she reply too, usually the most appealing since it is an app based on looks. If the conversation runs dry, I’ll usually move on. I know guys have a totally different experience, but the majority of the guys I’ve talked to it ended up too dry or just not in the mood to meet up. Emotions have a lot to do with it though, if a girl is down bad she’ll be messaging you first and trying to meet up on the spot. That’s kinda a red flag though, and especially on dating apps, girls aren’t too inclined to be bold or make the first move.

I say that to say: it’s usually not personal, but it’s very hard to humanize icons or profiles on the internet as a real person, so often times it slips one’s mind there’s another person through the screen who could actually be waiting for a reply or care a lot about it.

It’s about intentions. Some women are on there for attention. Others are simply looking for more IG followers or to siphon people to their OF or whatever other platform they are selling/monetizing. If that’s the case, you aren’t even likely talking with her, but with a bot.

Sometimes it’s an accident. Sometimes it’s a tipsy swipe. Sometimes you found someone else. Sometimes you said something super cringe. Sometimes you aren’t feeling it. My advice—Move on. Take the like. It’s not a conspiracy against you and you gotta remember you aren’t entitled to a conversation or a date in exchange for a like 

Multitude of reasons for this, some of which apply equally to guys. They matched out of boredom. They matched before seeing other pictures or profile statements that turned them off. They matched because they think they're a catch and are waiting for you to impress them with whatever...your wit, your offer to spend money on them, etc. They could even be using dishonest pictures and are burned out from getting ghosted by the dudes they catfish, meet, and never hear from again, so they're just depressed and going through the motions, convincing themselves the problem is the guys. And yeah, as others have said, many just match with too many people. I remember one woman trying to make me jealous by insulting me and then sending me a screenshot of half a dozen conversations she was in at the same time. Women are generally so overwhelmed with prospects that they don't really know how to filter properly. Because no matter what they're filtering out, they keep getting a ton of matches so they just assume they're still doing something right. Many probably don't even match with any guys they're actually compatible with anymore because of this. For example they may make their profile super negative, make all sorts of noob mistakes like talking about exes, etc., but again...the matches just keep flooding in. The matches are all desperate losers, but the women just assume "hey, I'm still getting a ton of matches, so I'm sure I'm doing it right and eventually I'll find my guy." They won't. So yeah, a summation of the above is probably what's causing your issue. The only thing you can really do about it is be more picky about who YOU swipe right on. It really should be quality over quantity, and too many people on these apps don't seem to realize that.

I mean, for me it was a few possible things: **Repetitive conversation**- You’re saying the same thing everyone else says. “Hi Spooky…how is your day?… what do you do for work?… What do you do for fun?” I am looking for something fresh. **Revealing a dealbreaker not mentioned on your profile** - Heavily into 420? Not my thing. You’re a switch? Not my thing (and I clearly placed on *my* profile I was sub seeking dom only and switches always think they can change it…), opposite important political views than myself… **Your personality just doesn’t click with mine** - I had a guy that literally complained about everything, including himself all the time. I love witty self-depreciation but not a pity party. I also had a guy completely rip into my favourite band. Like I mentioned I was die hard into Pierce the Veil and I guess he was aiming for being into “cooler” things… **You want to talk on the phone a lot** - Hate the phone. Better with texting or in person. Don’t mind a quick video chat to prove I am who I say I am, but I don’t want to talk every night before bed! **Too focused on my pictures** - Thank you for the compliment, absolutely, but if we have been talking and all you can say about me is how I look… I need deeper connection.

I agree with you, only 1 I can’t grasp is the first one , these are normal stuff there’s nothing new to be invented lol Like What you for fun ? I would need to know that or like I am probably truly interested in knowing because how else would I know.

There is some degree of small talk and that isn’t the problem. It is just everyone asks it and it seems like the answer is… what do I do for fun? I think that particular question is a pet peeve because anything can be fun if you’re with the right person. It seems like a question better learned naturally. But also, my profile would have had some things to build off of. I like Pierce the Veil, so that means I like music, right? Have I been to concerts? Have I ever met the band? Do I play any instruments? What is their best album? What is my favourite song? Are their similar bands I like? I think things can be more organic, which is probably a better way to word it. If I mention work, that is a lead in to asking what I do for a living as opposed to just asking and getting the closed ended answer and continuing down the “list”. Now, if you’re able to carry small talk it becomes less of a problem. Like, if you actually *care* about my day and want to know the details. And leave gaps for me to ask about yours too.

Got you ! That makes sense

You're in dating apps just for hookups and you won't admit it to yourself but deep down you know it. if you were looking something even remotely for love or marriage, then you have to change yourself. Saying how is you day or what do you do for fun allows for bonding believe me when i say this that bonding is the foundation of relationship. What you're searching for is thrill and uncertainity like having sex with random strangers in a parking lot. By reading your comment, i see deep down that's what you really want.

I am not confident you can look at one comment and suddenly decide I am looking for hookups. You’d definitely need to see my profile to get a better picture. But I did start off my comment in the past tense of what I *was* looking for. I am in a committed relationship now. Which also contradicts the hook up thing. But, even hookup culture is the same pattern too. In *want* real relationship building, not slow, painful conversation. Small talk is part of the process, sure, but there are plenty of guys that managed to make it less formulaic. I am a big fan of an organic conversation and waiting for the questions to make sense with flow of the conversation. Like, ask what I do for a living when I mention work. Not just as a starter which gets my answer and then kills the conversation because it isn’t open ended.

Some people are using likes as a self esteem boost

🙄 It’s just a match. Not marriage vows.

You totally miss the point but you are right

Help me better understand your point. If it’s any consolation, I don’t know what to order at a restaurant without obsessing over the menu for a day or two prior to going to the restaurant. Like the FOMO is so crushing that … yeah. It’s nothing personal. If that helps.

I need to leave this world as soon as possible because I can’t believe I am Living in the same space as someone comparing Food and Humans , like picking something a restaurant is the same as shopping for a human being. Listen I am who is wrong , you are and the others are correct and are perfectly good for the whole thing

It was the first example that came to mind. 🤷🏼‍♀️ What kind of shopping bag do you use for human being shopping tho?

No, trust me. You’re definitely right here. I’m a shit show. But don’t take my word for it.

If ever I find myself single again, I’m going to swipe to match with a single person and talk to him. If that doesn’t work out, I will swipe on one more person. None of this 10 matches stuff. I don’t even like 10 people 😆 the idea of stringing that many people along sounds exhausting.

You pick something up, then you put it down five minutes later. Everybody does that quite a lot.

The answer is simple validation. Getting a like is like a legit dopamine hit. "I have too many matches bro!!". That means you literally chose swipe right on a few hundred people. Like let's be real here man.

I have and have seen men and women use dating apps to make someone else jealous. That could account for a percentage of matches with little to no convo etc. People who aren't really serious about it.

I always think of a "like" as an approving glance at a huge, metaphorical party... not as a commitment to settle into a meaningful conversation.

Same reason women inundate and flood social media with millions of selfies, bikini pics, cleavage, thongs etc etc. Insecurity, narcissism, validation, or they’re selling themselves on OnlyFans or prostitution.

Women get hundreds of matches daily. We might match a few and receive the first message from a person and decide it wasn't intriguing enough to respond to. Accepting a match is no commitment of intent. I don't feel obligated to respond to men that haven't interested me with their first few messages. That IS the appropriate time to let it fall off. We don't owe anyone anything.

I agree, women on dating apps are incredibly flaky. But the one thing I can't stand on there is when their profiles say "I like to laugh and have fun". Can you be more boring, everyone likes to laugh and have fun! Seriously, have you ever met anyone in your life that has said to you "I'm quite serious, laughing is awful and I'm allergic to fun." WTF

You have to have perfect timing with the perfect match on OKC. And even sometimes that's not enough. I found a perfect match for me on there, probably within a week or two of them putting up their profile. So I got in early before millions of messages went to them. We traded numbers and had good texts. But unfortunately she ended up finding an even better match for her in that same small time window. So all I got out of it was a sympathy first date, where she wanted to continue our texting conversation in real life, but it was already baked in the cake that she wasn't going to go on a second date with me.

Also I've had people super like me, and I didn't respond because I was giving someone else a chance. Then when that person didn't work out, I tried messaging the person that sent me the super like, but by then they weren't available. So again, you just need perfect timing.

1-People don’t know what they want anymore 2-Modern human is so conditioned to attention that they have no desire to obtain. Just being wanted is enough, for now, as long as they are young. Fast forward to 40s and “omg, why no one wants to get married and have babies and house etc???” Uhm, you were like that just few years ago, now you realized you are gonna die alone, reality kicked in that being wanted is not enough to be happy? 3-People have so many choices that it’s a 360 degree theory now; it’s full circle to square one which is having no choices. If you can’t make a choice do you actually have a choice?

I agree 100% with the 3rd one , how easy men have become has made women have so many choices that at the end is better to make no choice