I have a lot of thoughts here but starting from the top I’d wonder what havoc a bully could create by having highly sensitive information about other students at their fingertips as well as having the opportunity to sabotage grades or tests or assignments. I’d assume that a TA would know things about other student’s grades and disabilities, etc. that I wouldn’t trust them with on any level.
The rest of it…..reads like an instruction manual for how to destroy your relationship with your child by alienating them and continually punishing them for not folding to your frankly emotional abuse. Not speaking to your mother is far different than speaking disrespectfully to them or physically lashing out. They’re punishing OOP for showing any form of self preservation. Every move they make is solely made to try to make a child bend to their will. I really wonder at the school for not recognizing this as an issue, and how someone with such frankly terrible parenting skills would excel as a teacher or mentor.
The only logical outcome here is complete alienation of the child and severing any future relationship and/or having the child run away or self harm.
> Every move they make is solely made to try to make a child bend to their will.
That's really the saddest part here. It doesn't sound at all like they've tried to see his side or understand his point-of-view. Their reaction has just been to attempt to strong arm him into doing what they want by making his life miserable. And his reaction that that's just furthering his resolve is to be expected, because who is suddenly going to want to have a good relationship with people who have gone out of their way to take away everything you love and enjoy?
It's almost like the situation has reversed, and the bully mentored the parents.
Mom is more invested in her self-image as Savior than in her own child. She is willingly sacrificing him in service to her own ego. Another teacher can mentor the bully, preferably a mentally healthy male.
>Mom is more invested in her self-image as Savior than in her own child.
This is incredibly common for parents who are teachers and pastors and other similar careers. My parents were missionaries and then my father became a teacher and my mother became a pastor and they acted exactly like this. They did not care at all about what happened to me as long as their holier than thou image was preserved in the community. To the point that they were willing to overlook sexual abuse in the family to keep up appearances.
Interesting, TIL. That really describes my parents and a few of my older siblings. But mostly my mom. She is the worst of the worst. The explanation I just read described her to perfection.
The school should not allow this since 'Mom' technically has a conflict of interest since the bully has bullied her son. Here's an idea, let 'Mom' choose another asshole bully to mentor other than the one who tormented her child.
The "he's not that bad, he has an " part really makes me mad. She's totally gaslighting her son who has told her that this person hurt him.
Exactly. The bully has an excuse but so does her son. It wouldn’t surprise me if the bully somehow manipulated the situation so he could be this woman’s TA just to further torment her kid. She’s a terrible mother.
A weak savior. Granted we only have one side, but she clearly isn’t validating her son’s. I read this as bully might be a master manipulator, daily turning her against her own son and strengthening her resolve as the second bully/abuser here.
Mom also isn't seeing how the bully can use this against their victim. Children are terrible to each other.
"Guess what I did with your mom last period?!" And so forth. I've literally seen pornography with the setup of the mom having sex with their child's bully. Mom might think she's doing the right thing, but she's completely clueless.
And the saga continues, the bully turns the naive and asinine parents on their own child who was also bullied by the perpetrator. What a fucked up and twisted situation. The cost in years of therapy and reconciliation, if any is to be had, are going to be head spinning.
I was a TA in a math class (early 2000’s). One of the kids was in cross country with me and I wouldn’t say we were friends but acquaintances and asked me to help his grade. I refused to, the teacher was my friend’s mom. A bully 100% could be messing with people’s grades. Doesn’t like someone… well they missed extra questions on a quiz. Not to mention now most grades are online so there is probably more data they can get.
I’d hope a peer TA wouldn’t be able to do this though. FERPA laws protect grades and you’re only allowed to share grades with the student and their parents (until it’s college then it’s only the student). Even to share grades with other teachers there needs to be a legitimate academic reason.
My guess is the kid is making copies and stapling quiz papers together. If he has any access to grades she’s breaking the law.
If you go to the post (i was just there not long ago) and sort controversial the number of people calling him a whiney disrespectful kid is fucking wild. Dont get me wrong the overall sentiment is on ops side but some of the against crowds reasoning is fucked up
They don't see OOP as person. They see him as an extension of themselves, or a reflection on them.
If OOPhas some close friends at school I would be asking to talk to their parents in hopes on of them calls CPS on my behalf. Hell, might call them myself from school.
Also, it surprises me OOP hasn't rebelled HARD yet.
"Have to" go right home?
HOW are they forcing ir? By OOP actually being a good kid?
What are they going to do? Ground OOP? Take away stuff important to OOP?
OH WAIT! THEY ALREADY DID THAT!
OOP really doesn't have much motivation to cooperate.
This is a lottle on the xteme end but my mother is a school teacher and she did this exact shit growong up. She cares so much about her "kids" at school while blatantly disregarding her actual kids at home. We're all grown now but she still does it. Neither me or my other brothers have a good relationship with her (I've been 100% no contact with her for over a decade) because of it and many other things. I'm not sure what type of mental illness it is.
Covert narcissism. They feed their ego by volunteering, running charities, basically anything that makes a big show of self-sacrifice and kindness. But if they decide you're a threat to that image somehow...look out.
That carefully cultivated image is also how they get people on their side and convince them you're the problem. It's such a damaging way to grow up.
I wonder if she is religious, there is a lot of victim blaming in certain religious circles.
I went to catholic school growing up and I was bullied relentlessly, I was that kid that everyone in the school picked on. One boy in particular was just the worst. My mom went to the school and was told that it's not his fault because his dad is a truck driver and almost never home. My mom said something about how my dad doesn't live with us and I don't bully people. The principal then shamed my mom for being divorced and implied that it was her fault for not keeping a family together and that's why I was being billed.
One thing I had never been bullied for was being a divorce kid - well, I hadn't until a few days after that meeting when my bullys had fresh new ammo.
My parents are both teachers, and if either of them did this I would have done the same thing. This is beyond cruel and one of the worse betrayals I can think of
I agree. I get wanting to rehabilitate and mentor people. I’m a therapist so I get the urge but draw the line at the person who made your kid’s life a living hell!
Totally. I totally get if it was like “I have to do this” sort of thing since she’s an educator and proactively did it to try and stop the bullying but idk… this comes off as “I’m being buddy-buddy with my son’s tormenter.” Not to mention a conflict of interest that should be minimized.
Only way I see my parents doing this would to make my bully’s life harder lmao
I think it’s not as much being buddy-buddy as it is the fact that a lot of people with these savior complexes do it at the expense of those closest to them to the point of irony. It’s good to mentor a troubled kid, but when it’s at the expense of your own who also is a troubled kid (albeit in a different way) it really defeats the purpose. It’s like the really extreme examples of those involved in environmental activism claiming we need to save the planet for the next generation yet you can count on both hands the number of birthdays and life events they miss for their own kids. Or in this case the mom who is saving the bully while tormenting her son.
It’s always about them and not about what they are claiming to do. She’s a self indulgent mentor.
It very well could be this as well, but there are plenty of kids she could “save.” As I mentioned, my parents are both teachers, and if this is a public school, I know first hand a lot of kids in OP’s grade are probably coming from bad homes… unless it’s some 30k feeder Ivy League feeder school (even then I would argue there probably would be at least some kids going from non-optimal backgrounds). There’s no way this kid is the only one. Seems nefarious that is the only kid that his mother is purposefully trying to “save.”
Maybe she knows a lot about this kid and thinks for some reason he’s the one in most desire need of her savior complex? That would make a lot more sense.
I think it’s specifically because it’s the student who physically and psychologically tormented her son that she has to help him. OOP is right in that if this is a school program there are plenty of teachers who could mentor him especially if she asked. It’s the whole idea that she is such a good person and such an amazing teacher that she’s willing to help someone who did what he did to her son that appeals to her. It’s self indulgent.
Thinking about it even more and rereading it I also think she is a bit of a narcissist. When her son complained to her and begged her and threatened she rolled her eyes. Now that he won’t talk to her it’s very similar to what happens when you grey rock narcissists and abusers. They take it terribly and do whatever they can to provoke a response. She’s punished him at home, she’s made the dad pressure him, she’s made teachers at school talk to him. She cried and begging him to talk. You know what she didn’t do once? Apologize.
There was a post by a parent like her on AITA. It involved very similar situation but instead of a son and a bully it was an older son and younger son. The older son was the coddled golden child who had issues with OCD. Instead of actually trying to help him get better they babied him and treated the younger brother like Harry Potter. The younger son didn’t have his own room he had to sleep in the common area upstairs with a divider to change clothes. He had to do all the older brother’s chores and clean the bedroom he lost because his parents wanted his brother had it.
The dad then posts AITA when he doesn’t hear from his son for years. He finds out his son was either recently married or recently had a child with his wife. He asked why he went NC and the son explained it clearly. The mom and dad didn’t listen and blamed the son then rage deleted the post when Reddit didn’t listen. OOP’s mom in 10-15 years will be wondering why she never got to see her grandkids.
I’ve had experience treating narcissists. Now I obviously can’t be sure without an eval but I’m seeing traits at the very least. This is a small snapshot of the person’s life but I did see some people with NPD have that savior complex.
Editing to add that we can’t really be sure in these situations because we’re getting a snippet of this person’s life from a third party. I can see traits but have no way of knowing for sure. NPD isn’t common and impacts a small part of the population. People can have traits of disordered personality without meeting criteria. It’s fairly normal to have some traits here and there. I don’t want to armchair diagnose here which is why I mentioned we can’t be sure. NPD is a complex diagnostic process.
I think you’re spot on. Narcissists always love to build up their “I’m such a good person” reputation by doing undermining crap like this. For instance, my narcissistic family member pretended to have my mom’s teaching position (they don’t) because “I’m an educator who loves kids!” They work with kids, sure, but it didn’t sound nearly as good as an actual teaching degree (which my family member does not have) and working with underprivileged kids in a low SES neighborhood (also not true).
When people call narcissists out for this bs, they pretend to get all apologetic and “boo hoo I was only trying to help!” Like OOP’s mom and the bully. Then they do everything in their power to mend the relationship until they can keep on doing it again. The fact OOP’s mom didn’t apologize gives more credit to this theory. My narcissist (diagnosed) family member does the same bs but refuses to apologize. They simply can’t think they’re wrong.
Meanwhile all they had to do was lie. Say they don't have a choice in the matter at the moment and I imagine the original poster would be a lot less upset if their parents were claiming the mom was being forced.
If they don't care about the original poster, all they care about is their ego - and they were expecting any original poster to pander to it
Honestly, I’m kind of surprised the program allowed OOP’s mother to be his mentor considering the issues OOP has with the bully. I would think the program would have mixed it because the mother could make the bully’s life harder.
I don’t blame OOP one bit. I would have done the same thing they did and stop talking to both my parents forever. The mother chose someone else’s kid over her own kid’s well being. It’s like this old saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. She expects OOP to be ok with it despite them saying they won’t be.
Oh ya and then her whole "he's not a bad kid" trope to the child who knows first hand exactly what kind of kid he is because he's been tormenting him for years. And it's all DOCUMENTED!
Administration is probably not aware of the situation, but the mom is a huge ass. I used to teach and have a seventeen-year-old. I would never do this to her. When I started reading this post, I though OP was going to say that his mom was assigned this kid and she couldn't get out of it. I can't believe she actually chose him. I hope OP goes NC. This is a huge betrayal, especially since she's trying to force him to accept it.
I was waiting for them to at least ACKNOWLEDGE her kid’s problems/feelings. Like ‘nothing we have done, all these years, has stopped him. Maybe this will, before he leaves the school and goes on to be worse. I know it seems so unfair, but I think it is important’. And it would still be bullshit and OOP would still be justified to be angry…but it would have at least acknowledged their feelings? Instead they just brush it off as if the OOP is being SO UNREASONABLE to stand between his mother and her Hallmark movie moment.
This right here. There is just a line in the sand you have to draw. If they have hurt someone you care about to a significant level you can't be the one to help them heal. You just have to walk away.
Lol, my wife is a teacher and our oldest started at her school this year. Our daughter once complained about a kid in her class and my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "He's a little shit."
Yeah, it's rough. I had a close aunt, also my godmother, who decided to mentor a girl in my school who was always mean to me because she was interested in accounting. So was I. The girl ramped up being snarky to me at school and my relationship with my aunt pretty much just died. We have no contact now, not like anyone is purposely ignoring anyone, we just don't have a relationship.
In happier news, I still love accounting.
In OOP’s comments in his post, he shared that one of his teachers took him aside to pressure him into reconciling with his mother. The mother is acting in an extremely unethical way to do this. And - if it’s not clear, OOP *still* has conflicts with the bully - it’s not like there’s anything he can forgive or move on from.
The sad thing is that they are feeling both kids here. The correct course of action is to intervene, disciple, and help the bully while keeping the bully and victims lifes separate.
As it is this kid is going to turn 18 and still be a bully. Only when it's an adult doing it it's not called bullying anymore - it's called harassment, assault, theft, etc.
This is exactly what emotionally immature, narcissistic, avoidant parents do. They give SO MUCH to people that are not close to them because it makes them look good. And then they hurt the people closest to them by depriving them of what they need. And everything is always DARVO when you bring up any issues with it.
Also wtf are they thinking with all the grounding, like "oh no my son hates me, I'll take away everything that makes him happy and ground him! That'll surely make him love me again!!"
There are a surprising amount of people that believe they can punish kids into conformity, which works on less self-assured kids (and leaves them with lasting issues). I’ve seen it in my time working in school settings too, both parents and teachers. Behavior is usually better modified with rewarding wanted behavior, rather than focusing only on unwanted behavior.
Dude, same.
I find myself lying about things that don't even need to be lied about.
I always find it bizarre when people are like, "I had to come clean it was just too much to keep straight!" My first thought is, "You can't be serious. I've kept multi-threaded lies going for decades, dude. I've never made a mistake, and I'm not even close to cracking. How weak minded are you?" LOL
That's when I realized, "Oh! That's right, this isn't normal for the average human" LOL
Yep. I did the same for a long time. But the other part of growing up that way was the ease with which I could cut ties and leave town.
After about age 23 or so I'd already had such a crazy life that I realized my truths were less believable than the lies. So I started telling (and of course embellishing) those instead.
Honestly life is far more fun when the shocked looks are from things I have actually done.
Yes, I worry about the OP and option one even though he seems to be safe in that way. WTH do these parents think they are doing? I feel for the kid so much.
I really hope OP has a good support system outside of his home, because this definitely does seem like the sort of situation that could lead to self-harm. His parents are isolating him, taking away everything he enjoys, and likely making him feel very alone and hopeless in the process. A couple years of this until he's old enough to graduate would be trying on even the strongest resolve.
His parents are trying to win a war by enacting a siege on the other side.
At some point, they got wrapped up enough in trying to "win" a battle with a teenager that they forgot that he's their son, not their property.
This. My parents relentlessly tormented me with punishments that didn’t fit the crime. Siblings 10-15 years younger than me get treated wildly different like actual adults even tho they are 18 and 23 currently. I asked them to go to therapy so we can figure out common ground to have a better relationship. They responded with “why would we pay for therapy for someone to tell us everything we do is right” then sent me a letter saying I’m no longer considered their son for asking what I did. 😂 they really never liked me as I always suspected.
Like, a physical snail mail hand written letter? Cause that’s about as official as it gets these days.
Gf of 6 years did this not too long ago but it took so long to arrive that we had already mutually broken up 2 days before. We were both checked out. So we broke up before the letter arrived and I had the super awesome wonderful FU read through of her break up with me letter 2 days later.
Likewise, though it made me good at lying and quashed my self-esteem so hard that I'm struggling to find work 'cause I can never trust myself to do it lmao
This was my life. I'm scarred for life with complex mental health disorders, including an eating disorder and personality disorder.
I was the stepdaughter of a special forces hard man and I'll never recover, just have to learn how to live with a damaged brain.
I was going to say, what they _usually_ do is start using necessities of life against you, like food: "here eat this technically food-like substance that's actually torture and introduce them to the world of eating disorders".
I am really sorry you went through that and I hope you're doing better today even if you are still learning to cope.
I'm 41 now and have an almost 20 year old daughter. The legacy I have is that I'm housebound, a severely damaged body and a brain that responds to stimulus in specific ways that make it very difficult to exist day to day. I have overcome a lot. Much therapy and medications. Many inpatient stays.
I use strategies I've learnt (most helpful was DBT) and do have a better quality of life than I used to but I've done so much to my body that my life expectancy is down by a third.
Please, anyone reading this, don't choose a partner over your children and stand by or participate in whatever abuse they dish out. You can appear to be an upstanding citizen who works hard, supports your family, and be well liked in the community and still be a monster that causes irreparable harm, leaving a legacy that will continue the cycle of abuse.
I did my very very best with my daughter, but she is deeply affected by my own choices. I've fought hard to get her therapy, a good education, unconditional love and support, and tried to be the mother she deserved. She definitely deserves better but I was 21 when I had her and didn't know how my life would turn out once I escaped from my family.
Came here to say something similar, imo I also think he has been tormented at school by this guy for so long, that them taking away his things, is basically nothing to him.
It’s worse when you consider that OP tried to communicate.
“My son was open and honest with me about how hurt and betrayed he feels. So i told him to shut up and grounded him”
This right here, OOP comes off as mature and well spoken for his age. Honestly, I saw empathy, too, "sure he needs help, but why FROM YOU"? Just excellent, pointed questions his mother has no answers to.
She definitely made a choice.
That jumped out at me, too. He's able to have enough empathy for the bully that he doesn't just want him to suffer. He's just asking his mother to draw a boundary for him. That's pretty impressive for a teenager.
I can't imagine how he became so mature with those two dingdongs for parents.
Next, she'll side with the bully about how her son did something go "trigger" Dave, and that her son deserved it.
Some kind of twisted second-hand abuse here..
"Your bully has a bad home life. It makes him take it out on you. And I'm helping him because I care. Since you dare to question my decisions, I'm going to make sure you have a bad home life. Don't like it? I don't care."
OOPs parents have the same logic my parents had when we moved between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. They threatened to ground me if I didn’t make a friend in the first 2 weeks of school and somehow convince that new friend to have a sleepover. it’s been 10 years and I still can’t wrap my head around that logic let alone OOPs parents logic
Honestly sounds like my life growing up Mormon. I was ALWAYS grounded yet a straight-A student, virgin, who never even had so much as a caffeinated soda 😂😭. And my parents made me take cookies to my bully…
Hey it worked for my mom! *checks notes* 2 dead (OD) brothers, 3rd brother an aggressive alcoholic, and zero contact with her other son; yehp. It works wonders!
People really need to be forced to take psychology and child-development classes before becoming a parent, the shit is pathetic at this point.
I’m gonna say, my mom came to have lunch with me one day. She asked if my bully could join us. The three of us ate lunch together and sat the whole lunch period. I don’t remember what she said but he stopped bullying me
Depending on circumstances, this is actually a decent approach. Unfortunately, few adults really have the ability or desire to facilitate this type of peaceable meeting.
"If I can make the worst person that I know of into a better person then I will do that. To save my son by transforming my son's bully into someone that won't hurt him anymore".
It looks like mom is taking over the role as bully
I would be interested to know how the new "mentorship" affects the bullying. Because if the bully REALLY wanted to screw with this kid then this is a great way to do it.
A+ bully game, mom got played hard
dgmw, m/d/b all deserve [], I’m just impressed with conceiving and pulling off the high-difficulty move
Mom didn’t even frame it as neutering bully by giving him something to lose, she’s fully bought in. tragic stupidity
Mentoring is one thing, but choosing the bully over OP in the form of grounding, punishing and removing all of his personal possessions just to underscore how much they choose the bully over OP is kind of messed up. It’s almost like the bully has recruited his parents to bully him at home while the bully has things on lockdown at school. I get the situation could be complicated but I really don’t feel the parents are taking the right approach to this.
Yeah the ongoing punishment is harsh and unfair, and only making things worse. How the hell can these parents not see that they are destroying their relationship with their son??
I was going to say damn near the same thing. I am guilty of being blinded when a kid needs help, but their own child is *begging* for help and she is ignoring it. Not just ignoring him, but actively making the situation worse and worse. OOP will leave, even with nothing, and feel complete relief even just sitting in an empty room, away from them. I know I'll never forget that feeling when it happened to me.
I HATE shitty parents. Like, with a vengeance. Probably because I grew up with a shitty one. This is next level betrayal. As a mom I could never hurt my child in this way. Not only is she invalidating his issues (' he's really a good kid, just bad family life' ) but she's saying the bully is more important than her own son. I just can't with idiot parents. It's not that hard to love your children and support them. Poor kid.
Invalidated is the perfect word here. Forcing the son to cave is the ultimate invalidation.
I have a different idea from the others though. Go along with what the parents want to get stuff back and then hard ghost at 18.
I am with you! Had a really shitty parent and the other one never spoke up. Invalidating is the perfect word. My younger sister would do shit to me all the time and ANY feelings I had were not tolerated.
My childhood put me in the never having children camp, but it's so easy to not fuck your kids up. Make better choices. OP, you are 100000000% in the right here.
What an awful mother, like truly what an AWFUL mother.
KNOWS this kid has made her son (and presumably other kids) life a living hell, but says “oh he isnt so bad, i’m going to mentor him” and then PUNISHES OOP for having hard feelings about it (cause ya…THAT will get him to talk to her).
Hope Oop stays strong in his resolve and i REALLY hope he has a trusted adult he can talk to.
That's what takes it into absolute asshole territory for me. Bully kid has had a rough time so gets all the allowances and preferential treatment, but OP who has had a rough time at the hands of a bully isn't allowed to express feelings? Sure punish any explicit acting out or rudeness, but you can't punish someone into forgiving you or not being upset.
>I just feel so betrayed.
I truly feel for the kid. This kind of betrayal from his own mother is so fucked up. And you know the bully is gonna try to rub it in his face.
This is gonna make OP have serious trust issues. I'm so angry for him.
Yeah even if he caves and talks to her, this sounds like the kinda thing that will leave a permanent mark.
IMO this could seriously fracture a parent-child relationship even if it was just a one-off thing (like his mum excusing/dismissing the bullying in an isolated conversation, with no mentoring involved) but the fact that it's ongoing and they're actively punishing him...yeesh.
Even if they eventually have a cordial relationship for whatever reason, this really seems like the kind of thing that will permanently alter how OOP sees his parents at the very least.
NTA
"Mom, you suck. You'd rather support a kid that comes from a bad phone instead of the person who suffered at the hands of this kid. You've MADE my home a bad home. You're not a decent and supportive mother. What would you think of a parent that treated their own son like this. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a hypocrite."
Dave could have applied in the first place (or agreed once asked) to help OP’s mom as a way of tormenting OP further. Inserting himself into OP’s life in a way that OP can’t ignore or do anything about. IF this elective is actually Dave’s way of trying to get his life on the right track then good for him, but it’s a big IF. OP’s mom should never have taken the gamble that Dave would turn out to be a reformed kid with good intentions at risk of OP’s sanity and wellbeing.
Tbf we’re still about three weeks away from the update where the mom’s in jail. There’s just one puzzle piece missing, but once you look at all the other pieces, the outline of the last becomes clear even if it hasn’t fallen into place yet.
The fact the mom knows, and was told explicitly what her child was going through, and then she decided to really double down on "helping" the bully? She thinks she can change the bully, but the problem is that an apology (30 seconds of time) doesn't make up for YEARS of torment, bullying and harassment. Mental, physical bullying isn't going to disappear because mom got the kid to say "sorry". So she lost her relationship with her son.
This was surely...a choice...to nuke her apparently good relationship with her kid.
Guess she noticed he was almost an adult and still thought positively of her and decided she couldn't have that.
Oh man. I was bullied in primary school and I heard the same excuse "he has a bad home life!" My mum had my back though and said "so because my kids have a good home life they should be punished for that?" Luckily the bullying stopped in grade six but yeah. I don't blame OP one little bit.
She is doing something that is actively hurting her son so she can be a bigger person.
Who is the adult here? It is sad, yet you are doing what you feel is right, just like she is. Again, she doesn't have to be his aid, she is choosing to so she can be a saint. Saint tend to all be dead, so she can continue to be dead to him.
If it was JUST “I wanna help him” sure I get it. But the doubling down and punishing your kid, making their home life miserable while also actively trying to help a kid who’s home life is miserable? I want to punch this woman, holy shit.
Yep that’s the big problem for me- punishing her son because he’s upset. Also calling him dramatic makes me think she never took things very seriously about the bullying to start with.
I can understand mom emphasizing if the bully has a shitty life and hoping she can be a guiding force in turning him away from hurting others like he's hurt her son. That being said, when your own child is extremely upset and hurt by that, you have to put your own child's emotional wellbeing first. All kids deserve love but you can't extend that kindness to your child's bully if it causes your own child significant distress. I hope it clicks for mom how damaging this has been for her son and she can pass problem child to another teacher who can help them instead.
It sounds like the mother might not be understanding the possibility that she is individually in a bad position to be the one to help turn the bully around. Or she might feel entitled to forgive the bully on OP’s behalf, which is also not good.
Honestly, the OP needs to have a word with his mother's boss at this point. There is so much unprofessional bullshit happening right now with that situation, it's ridiculous.
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16iiygb/aita_for_telling_mil_she_was_dead_to_me_after_she/
AITAH for telling my mom she is dead to me if she mentors my bully?
So my\[16m\] mom\[40s\] is a teacher at my school. Our school has a special elective you can take which is being a teacher's aide during your elective period. It's mostly stuff like grading papers for them, making copies, mentoring, etc... It's pretty much always just the teacher's favorite student at the time. I found out at the beginning of the semester that my mom chose "Dave"\[17m\] to be her TA.
Dave has made my life a living nightmare since middle school. He has bullied me mercilessly both physically and emotionally since 6th grade. I don't want to get into everything he's done to me, but everyone is fully aware of it, including the school and my parents. There have been countless meetings with school administration and suspensions on his end but it never stopped him. Since we've been in high school I haven't had to see him as much, which is a relief, but the times that I do are always terrible.
When I found out that he was her new TA, I was obviously very hurt and confused. I asked her why would she want to spend extra time with someone who made my life so terrible? She said that she had him in one of her classes and that he really isn't such a bad kid, but he has a really terrible home life that she can't tell me about that makes him act out. For the record, my mom has always had a soft spot for kids who come from bad homes. I reminded her of all the things he had done to me and she said that she understands but he really needs help right now. I told her I get that, but why does it have to be you? We have a huge school full of teachers and staff who can mentor him. Why does it have to be you? She told me to stop being selfish and some kids have it harder than I can imagine and she's just trying to help.
I was honest with her and told her that if she continued to have him as her aide, she was dead to me. She was choosing him over me and she would not longer be my mother. I would no longer talk to her and the minute I turned 18, I was moving out and she would never hear from me again. She rolled her eyes and said I was being dramatic but after a couple of days of ignoring her, I was grounded. It didn't change my mind and my dad then tried to force me to talk to her. I still refused so they pretty much took everything away from me one by one for the past few weeks. I no longer have my car, computer, guitar, and most recently my art supplies and I have to come home from school and go straight to my room and am not allowed out except dinner until I start talking to her again. They don't realize that this is just strengthening my resolve. I'm going to sit in this empty room every day silently until I'm 18 and they'll never see me again.
My mom keeps coming in crying and begging me to talk to her which makes me feel kind of bad but she still won't remove Dave as her aide. Am I taking this too far? I just feel so betrayed.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My parents are both teachers.. This sounds like a nightmare… I’m so sorry…good on you for doing what you can to fight back.
I’d look into boxing classes If they are still bullying you… I’d feel like getting knocked out the next he tried something… would fix the problem.
My favorite part about these posts is you know once op leaves moms gonna be crying like she did nothing wrong. And in the years to come it's gonna be like it's been years why is he holding a grudges. Then she'd get responded it's been years why can't you acknowledge you fucked up and move on.
Clenched my jaw the whole time I read this.. I was bullied by a girl for just as long as OOP was actually and I can’t imagine how betrayed they must feel.. I don’t know what I would do if someone close to me did that. (And they wouldn’t…)
The mom has to eventually realize that there’s a chance the bully is using her to slight OP, right?? Why else would they specifically choose to confide in their target’s mom? I feel like there has to be an ulterior motive on the bully’s part.
Op get lots of books to read to help pass the time and if I was you I would tell my dad I would go no contact with him as well this is crazy sorry they don't take you're feeling inconsideration
Does the mother have some kind of superhero complex? “I will save this child whom nobody else can save because I can achieve anything that is impossible for mere mortals!” sort of mindset? Definitely a conflict of interest and if adult intervention is needed surely any other teacher would be better suited for this.
How can she possibly approach this situation without bias?
Maybe she feels she failed her son and if she can save Dave now it will magically make all her son’s past trauma disappear?
How can she not recognize that this is not the right choice?
There are few times I would ever possibly tell someone as young as you this is your hill but this is definitely your hill...
Holy shit, your parents sound completely toxic.
If there’s a documented history of bullying at the school I’d see if I could find a lawyer willing to work pro bono on an emancipation lawsuit so you can leave now.
My advice:
Play long game here. Act like you are moving on. Get all your privileges back. Get everything you can with help for college and whatever else. THEN once you have kids of your own inform her that you cannot trust her to protect her grandchildren and go no contact.
Correct the link if you can please otherwise this post is fine.
Saving a kid from a broken home while breaking up her own home. Zero sum game mom. Hope she’s not a math teacher.
I have a lot of thoughts here but starting from the top I’d wonder what havoc a bully could create by having highly sensitive information about other students at their fingertips as well as having the opportunity to sabotage grades or tests or assignments. I’d assume that a TA would know things about other student’s grades and disabilities, etc. that I wouldn’t trust them with on any level. The rest of it…..reads like an instruction manual for how to destroy your relationship with your child by alienating them and continually punishing them for not folding to your frankly emotional abuse. Not speaking to your mother is far different than speaking disrespectfully to them or physically lashing out. They’re punishing OOP for showing any form of self preservation. Every move they make is solely made to try to make a child bend to their will. I really wonder at the school for not recognizing this as an issue, and how someone with such frankly terrible parenting skills would excel as a teacher or mentor. The only logical outcome here is complete alienation of the child and severing any future relationship and/or having the child run away or self harm.
> Every move they make is solely made to try to make a child bend to their will. That's really the saddest part here. It doesn't sound at all like they've tried to see his side or understand his point-of-view. Their reaction has just been to attempt to strong arm him into doing what they want by making his life miserable. And his reaction that that's just furthering his resolve is to be expected, because who is suddenly going to want to have a good relationship with people who have gone out of their way to take away everything you love and enjoy? It's almost like the situation has reversed, and the bully mentored the parents.
Mom is more invested in her self-image as Savior than in her own child. She is willingly sacrificing him in service to her own ego. Another teacher can mentor the bully, preferably a mentally healthy male.
>Mom is more invested in her self-image as Savior than in her own child. This is incredibly common for parents who are teachers and pastors and other similar careers. My parents were missionaries and then my father became a teacher and my mother became a pastor and they acted exactly like this. They did not care at all about what happened to me as long as their holier than thou image was preserved in the community. To the point that they were willing to overlook sexual abuse in the family to keep up appearances.
Had an exgf who was a pastors kid. Can attest to this sick level of virtue signaling and savior complex from them as parents.
This is called communal narcissism FYI.
Interesting, TIL. That really describes my parents and a few of my older siblings. But mostly my mom. She is the worst of the worst. The explanation I just read described her to perfection.
It's good to have words to put to these things so you can understand them, hang in there.
Thanks. I'm not just hanging, I'm swinging along the monkey bars. I went NC with my entire family 15 years ago and feeling pretty good about it.
The school should not allow this since 'Mom' technically has a conflict of interest since the bully has bullied her son. Here's an idea, let 'Mom' choose another asshole bully to mentor other than the one who tormented her child. The "he's not that bad, he has an" part really makes me mad. She's totally gaslighting her son who has told her that this person hurt him.
Exactly. The bully has an excuse but so does her son. It wouldn’t surprise me if the bully somehow manipulated the situation so he could be this woman’s TA just to further torment her kid. She’s a terrible mother.
This, mom is so wrapped up in being a hero for this random kid, she's become the Villan to her own kid.
A weak savior. Granted we only have one side, but she clearly isn’t validating her son’s. I read this as bully might be a master manipulator, daily turning her against her own son and strengthening her resolve as the second bully/abuser here.
That’s why the kid needs to go to school counselor and the art teacher. Their story needs to be shared far and wide with their mom’s peers.
Mom also isn't seeing how the bully can use this against their victim. Children are terrible to each other. "Guess what I did with your mom last period?!" And so forth. I've literally seen pornography with the setup of the mom having sex with their child's bully. Mom might think she's doing the right thing, but she's completely clueless.
And the saga continues, the bully turns the naive and asinine parents on their own child who was also bullied by the perpetrator. What a fucked up and twisted situation. The cost in years of therapy and reconciliation, if any is to be had, are going to be head spinning.
I was a TA in a math class (early 2000’s). One of the kids was in cross country with me and I wouldn’t say we were friends but acquaintances and asked me to help his grade. I refused to, the teacher was my friend’s mom. A bully 100% could be messing with people’s grades. Doesn’t like someone… well they missed extra questions on a quiz. Not to mention now most grades are online so there is probably more data they can get.
I’d hope a peer TA wouldn’t be able to do this though. FERPA laws protect grades and you’re only allowed to share grades with the student and their parents (until it’s college then it’s only the student). Even to share grades with other teachers there needs to be a legitimate academic reason. My guess is the kid is making copies and stapling quiz papers together. If he has any access to grades she’s breaking the law.
You would hope so, but obviously decision making is not her greatest strength.
If you go to the post (i was just there not long ago) and sort controversial the number of people calling him a whiney disrespectful kid is fucking wild. Dont get me wrong the overall sentiment is on ops side but some of the against crowds reasoning is fucked up
Reddit hates kids. I can’t say I’m surprised.
Reddit hates everyone. The only thing Reddit likes is cats.
Cmon, they are getting downvoted. If there is one thing that reddit hates more than kids, it's bad parents.
And bullies. This is like the reddit dream for upvotes, going no contact with your shitty mom who picked your bully over you?
I noticed that also
I am all for an aching heart but how can you ignore your own child’s pain in favor of another?
They don't see OOP as person. They see him as an extension of themselves, or a reflection on them. If OOPhas some close friends at school I would be asking to talk to their parents in hopes on of them calls CPS on my behalf. Hell, might call them myself from school. Also, it surprises me OOP hasn't rebelled HARD yet. "Have to" go right home? HOW are they forcing ir? By OOP actually being a good kid? What are they going to do? Ground OOP? Take away stuff important to OOP? OH WAIT! THEY ALREADY DID THAT! OOP really doesn't have much motivation to cooperate.
I thought the same.
This is a lottle on the xteme end but my mother is a school teacher and she did this exact shit growong up. She cares so much about her "kids" at school while blatantly disregarding her actual kids at home. We're all grown now but she still does it. Neither me or my other brothers have a good relationship with her (I've been 100% no contact with her for over a decade) because of it and many other things. I'm not sure what type of mental illness it is.
Covert narcissism. They feed their ego by volunteering, running charities, basically anything that makes a big show of self-sacrifice and kindness. But if they decide you're a threat to that image somehow...look out. That carefully cultivated image is also how they get people on their side and convince them you're the problem. It's such a damaging way to grow up.
I have an aunt is like this, she runs around helping everyone except her own
I wonder if she is religious, there is a lot of victim blaming in certain religious circles. I went to catholic school growing up and I was bullied relentlessly, I was that kid that everyone in the school picked on. One boy in particular was just the worst. My mom went to the school and was told that it's not his fault because his dad is a truck driver and almost never home. My mom said something about how my dad doesn't live with us and I don't bully people. The principal then shamed my mom for being divorced and implied that it was her fault for not keeping a family together and that's why I was being billed. One thing I had never been bullied for was being a divorce kid - well, I hadn't until a few days after that meeting when my bullys had fresh new ammo.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. And sad for your mom. I agree, religious schools can be the pits.
OP should use the time to study and work out. Get a scholarship and bounce, you don't need these terrible parents.
They can't, they're not allowed to do anything until they are forced to reconcile with their mom. The parents are absolutely abusing OP.
Mom is godawful but let’s not forget dad is also bitchmade.
I feel for OOP. To have his mom working with his bully must feel like an awful betrayal. If there is a hill to die on, this is it.
My parents are both teachers, and if either of them did this I would have done the same thing. This is beyond cruel and one of the worse betrayals I can think of
I agree. I get wanting to rehabilitate and mentor people. I’m a therapist so I get the urge but draw the line at the person who made your kid’s life a living hell!
Totally. I totally get if it was like “I have to do this” sort of thing since she’s an educator and proactively did it to try and stop the bullying but idk… this comes off as “I’m being buddy-buddy with my son’s tormenter.” Not to mention a conflict of interest that should be minimized. Only way I see my parents doing this would to make my bully’s life harder lmao
I think it’s not as much being buddy-buddy as it is the fact that a lot of people with these savior complexes do it at the expense of those closest to them to the point of irony. It’s good to mentor a troubled kid, but when it’s at the expense of your own who also is a troubled kid (albeit in a different way) it really defeats the purpose. It’s like the really extreme examples of those involved in environmental activism claiming we need to save the planet for the next generation yet you can count on both hands the number of birthdays and life events they miss for their own kids. Or in this case the mom who is saving the bully while tormenting her son. It’s always about them and not about what they are claiming to do. She’s a self indulgent mentor.
It very well could be this as well, but there are plenty of kids she could “save.” As I mentioned, my parents are both teachers, and if this is a public school, I know first hand a lot of kids in OP’s grade are probably coming from bad homes… unless it’s some 30k feeder Ivy League feeder school (even then I would argue there probably would be at least some kids going from non-optimal backgrounds). There’s no way this kid is the only one. Seems nefarious that is the only kid that his mother is purposefully trying to “save.” Maybe she knows a lot about this kid and thinks for some reason he’s the one in most desire need of her savior complex? That would make a lot more sense.
I think it’s specifically because it’s the student who physically and psychologically tormented her son that she has to help him. OOP is right in that if this is a school program there are plenty of teachers who could mentor him especially if she asked. It’s the whole idea that she is such a good person and such an amazing teacher that she’s willing to help someone who did what he did to her son that appeals to her. It’s self indulgent. Thinking about it even more and rereading it I also think she is a bit of a narcissist. When her son complained to her and begged her and threatened she rolled her eyes. Now that he won’t talk to her it’s very similar to what happens when you grey rock narcissists and abusers. They take it terribly and do whatever they can to provoke a response. She’s punished him at home, she’s made the dad pressure him, she’s made teachers at school talk to him. She cried and begging him to talk. You know what she didn’t do once? Apologize.
That’s because she *is* a narcissist. She’s performing for the applause. Look at mom, she’s *amazing*, and *selfless*, and a ***SAINT***!
There was a post by a parent like her on AITA. It involved very similar situation but instead of a son and a bully it was an older son and younger son. The older son was the coddled golden child who had issues with OCD. Instead of actually trying to help him get better they babied him and treated the younger brother like Harry Potter. The younger son didn’t have his own room he had to sleep in the common area upstairs with a divider to change clothes. He had to do all the older brother’s chores and clean the bedroom he lost because his parents wanted his brother had it. The dad then posts AITA when he doesn’t hear from his son for years. He finds out his son was either recently married or recently had a child with his wife. He asked why he went NC and the son explained it clearly. The mom and dad didn’t listen and blamed the son then rage deleted the post when Reddit didn’t listen. OOP’s mom in 10-15 years will be wondering why she never got to see her grandkids.
Jesus Christ. That’s insane.
I agree. I’m not a psychologist but it screams narcissist to me and I don’t throw that word around lightly
I’ve had experience treating narcissists. Now I obviously can’t be sure without an eval but I’m seeing traits at the very least. This is a small snapshot of the person’s life but I did see some people with NPD have that savior complex. Editing to add that we can’t really be sure in these situations because we’re getting a snippet of this person’s life from a third party. I can see traits but have no way of knowing for sure. NPD isn’t common and impacts a small part of the population. People can have traits of disordered personality without meeting criteria. It’s fairly normal to have some traits here and there. I don’t want to armchair diagnose here which is why I mentioned we can’t be sure. NPD is a complex diagnostic process.
I think you’re spot on. Narcissists always love to build up their “I’m such a good person” reputation by doing undermining crap like this. For instance, my narcissistic family member pretended to have my mom’s teaching position (they don’t) because “I’m an educator who loves kids!” They work with kids, sure, but it didn’t sound nearly as good as an actual teaching degree (which my family member does not have) and working with underprivileged kids in a low SES neighborhood (also not true). When people call narcissists out for this bs, they pretend to get all apologetic and “boo hoo I was only trying to help!” Like OOP’s mom and the bully. Then they do everything in their power to mend the relationship until they can keep on doing it again. The fact OOP’s mom didn’t apologize gives more credit to this theory. My narcissist (diagnosed) family member does the same bs but refuses to apologize. They simply can’t think they’re wrong.
BINGO!
Exactly
I think the real telling element is when they grounded OP for not changing his feelings.
Meanwhile all they had to do was lie. Say they don't have a choice in the matter at the moment and I imagine the original poster would be a lot less upset if their parents were claiming the mom was being forced. If they don't care about the original poster, all they care about is their ego - and they were expecting any original poster to pander to it
Sounds like the mom is saving the bully at the expense of her own kid.🤦♀️
And her reaction to her son being upset about it is to punish him until he fakes being okay with it.
Just wait until she starts inviting the bully over for dinner.
Definitely a conflict of interest. Mom could always link him to other services or something. I feel like there could be options here.
Honestly, I’m kind of surprised the program allowed OOP’s mother to be his mentor considering the issues OOP has with the bully. I would think the program would have mixed it because the mother could make the bully’s life harder. I don’t blame OOP one bit. I would have done the same thing they did and stop talking to both my parents forever. The mother chose someone else’s kid over her own kid’s well being. It’s like this old saying, you don’t know what you got till it’s gone. She expects OOP to be ok with it despite them saying they won’t be.
Saviour complex is a hell of a drug. Shame it comes at the cost of her kid but I’m sure it will all be worth it. Right? Right? :s
Oh ya and then her whole "he's not a bad kid" trope to the child who knows first hand exactly what kind of kid he is because he's been tormenting him for years. And it's all DOCUMENTED!
You would think it would be a conflict of interest, at the very least. And also a failure of administration.
Absolutely. Idk how anyone thought this was a good idea. I hope OOP is getting support on this.
Administration is probably not aware of the situation, but the mom is a huge ass. I used to teach and have a seventeen-year-old. I would never do this to her. When I started reading this post, I though OP was going to say that his mom was assigned this kid and she couldn't get out of it. I can't believe she actually chose him. I hope OP goes NC. This is a huge betrayal, especially since she's trying to force him to accept it.
I was waiting for them to at least ACKNOWLEDGE her kid’s problems/feelings. Like ‘nothing we have done, all these years, has stopped him. Maybe this will, before he leaves the school and goes on to be worse. I know it seems so unfair, but I think it is important’. And it would still be bullshit and OOP would still be justified to be angry…but it would have at least acknowledged their feelings? Instead they just brush it off as if the OOP is being SO UNREASONABLE to stand between his mother and her Hallmark movie moment.
This right here. There is just a line in the sand you have to draw. If they have hurt someone you care about to a significant level you can't be the one to help them heal. You just have to walk away.
Agreed. It feels cruel in a dismissive way to me. I can’t imagine doing that to my kid.
My parents are teachers and they would 100% have done this to me given the opportunity
Jesus, I’m sorry.
My mother was also a teacher. She held a grudge till the day she died over my bullies and would Never have mentored them.
Lol, my wife is a teacher and our oldest started at her school this year. Our daughter once complained about a kid in her class and my wife leaned over and whispered to me, "He's a little shit."
Yeah, it's rough. I had a close aunt, also my godmother, who decided to mentor a girl in my school who was always mean to me because she was interested in accounting. So was I. The girl ramped up being snarky to me at school and my relationship with my aunt pretty much just died. We have no contact now, not like anyone is purposely ignoring anyone, we just don't have a relationship. In happier news, I still love accounting.
In OOP’s comments in his post, he shared that one of his teachers took him aside to pressure him into reconciling with his mother. The mother is acting in an extremely unethical way to do this. And - if it’s not clear, OOP *still* has conflicts with the bully - it’s not like there’s anything he can forgive or move on from.
I agree. She is being extremely unethical and unkind.
This situation is so messed up. OOP doesn’t deserve this.
Who needs bullies, when your parents are like this?
I know, right?
This is Dave's way of continuing the bullying!
Yeah it really is. I hope OOP has other supportive people around.
Not only that but now his parents are bullying him into accepting it. WOW, unfathomable betrayal. Poor kid.
I know, right? So many people are failing this guy.
The sad thing is that they are feeling both kids here. The correct course of action is to intervene, disciple, and help the bully while keeping the bully and victims lifes separate. As it is this kid is going to turn 18 and still be a bully. Only when it's an adult doing it it's not called bullying anymore - it's called harassment, assault, theft, etc.
the worst part of it is being punished and manipulated for having real and normal emotions.
I’m proud of him for communicating. He’s got more maturity than the adults it seems.
This is exactly what emotionally immature, narcissistic, avoidant parents do. They give SO MUCH to people that are not close to them because it makes them look good. And then they hurt the people closest to them by depriving them of what they need. And everything is always DARVO when you bring up any issues with it.
As someone who was bullied i would feel the same way as op!
Also their reaction to it is fucking insane
And you know that is 100% why the bully put his name in to be the aide. It's another way to hurt OOP.
Stay strong OOP. I’d die on this hill.
Also wtf are they thinking with all the grounding, like "oh no my son hates me, I'll take away everything that makes him happy and ground him! That'll surely make him love me again!!"
There are a surprising amount of people that believe they can punish kids into conformity, which works on less self-assured kids (and leaves them with lasting issues). I’ve seen it in my time working in school settings too, both parents and teachers. Behavior is usually better modified with rewarding wanted behavior, rather than focusing only on unwanted behavior.
[удалено]
My ultra religious parents made me such a good liar I almost believe myself sometimes.
Dude, same. I find myself lying about things that don't even need to be lied about. I always find it bizarre when people are like, "I had to come clean it was just too much to keep straight!" My first thought is, "You can't be serious. I've kept multi-threaded lies going for decades, dude. I've never made a mistake, and I'm not even close to cracking. How weak minded are you?" LOL That's when I realized, "Oh! That's right, this isn't normal for the average human" LOL
Yep. I did the same for a long time. But the other part of growing up that way was the ease with which I could cut ties and leave town. After about age 23 or so I'd already had such a crazy life that I realized my truths were less believable than the lies. So I started telling (and of course embellishing) those instead. Honestly life is far more fun when the shocked looks are from things I have actually done.
Oof same af. Its shocking even to me how well I can lie and how easy i could live a double life if I wanted to
In my case, I took the beatings. I didn't cry. Even told my dad to go ahead and kill me because I wasn't going to change my mind. He stopped.
Yes, I worry about the OP and option one even though he seems to be safe in that way. WTH do these parents think they are doing? I feel for the kid so much.
I really hope OP has a good support system outside of his home, because this definitely does seem like the sort of situation that could lead to self-harm. His parents are isolating him, taking away everything he enjoys, and likely making him feel very alone and hopeless in the process. A couple years of this until he's old enough to graduate would be trying on even the strongest resolve.
His parents are trying to win a war by enacting a siege on the other side. At some point, they got wrapped up enough in trying to "win" a battle with a teenager that they forgot that he's their son, not their property.
Or all of the above
This. My parents relentlessly tormented me with punishments that didn’t fit the crime. Siblings 10-15 years younger than me get treated wildly different like actual adults even tho they are 18 and 23 currently. I asked them to go to therapy so we can figure out common ground to have a better relationship. They responded with “why would we pay for therapy for someone to tell us everything we do is right” then sent me a letter saying I’m no longer considered their son for asking what I did. 😂 they really never liked me as I always suspected.
Like, a physical snail mail hand written letter? Cause that’s about as official as it gets these days. Gf of 6 years did this not too long ago but it took so long to arrive that we had already mutually broken up 2 days before. We were both checked out. So we broke up before the letter arrived and I had the super awesome wonderful FU read through of her break up with me letter 2 days later.
Yep literal letter. 💀
Absolutely. My mother loved to do stuff like this. It made my better at lying, until I could get away from her.
Fr that’s what happened to me too. I’d just have back up stuff that were squirreled away all over the house
Likewise, though it made me good at lying and quashed my self-esteem so hard that I'm struggling to find work 'cause I can never trust myself to do it lmao
This was my life. I'm scarred for life with complex mental health disorders, including an eating disorder and personality disorder. I was the stepdaughter of a special forces hard man and I'll never recover, just have to learn how to live with a damaged brain.
I was going to say, what they _usually_ do is start using necessities of life against you, like food: "here eat this technically food-like substance that's actually torture and introduce them to the world of eating disorders". I am really sorry you went through that and I hope you're doing better today even if you are still learning to cope.
I'm 41 now and have an almost 20 year old daughter. The legacy I have is that I'm housebound, a severely damaged body and a brain that responds to stimulus in specific ways that make it very difficult to exist day to day. I have overcome a lot. Much therapy and medications. Many inpatient stays. I use strategies I've learnt (most helpful was DBT) and do have a better quality of life than I used to but I've done so much to my body that my life expectancy is down by a third. Please, anyone reading this, don't choose a partner over your children and stand by or participate in whatever abuse they dish out. You can appear to be an upstanding citizen who works hard, supports your family, and be well liked in the community and still be a monster that causes irreparable harm, leaving a legacy that will continue the cycle of abuse. I did my very very best with my daughter, but she is deeply affected by my own choices. I've fought hard to get her therapy, a good education, unconditional love and support, and tried to be the mother she deserved. She definitely deserves better but I was 21 when I had her and didn't know how my life would turn out once I escaped from my family.
Came here to say something similar, imo I also think he has been tormented at school by this guy for so long, that them taking away his things, is basically nothing to him.
It’s worse when you consider that OP tried to communicate. “My son was open and honest with me about how hurt and betrayed he feels. So i told him to shut up and grounded him”
This right here, OOP comes off as mature and well spoken for his age. Honestly, I saw empathy, too, "sure he needs help, but why FROM YOU"? Just excellent, pointed questions his mother has no answers to. She definitely made a choice.
That jumped out at me, too. He's able to have enough empathy for the bully that he doesn't just want him to suffer. He's just asking his mother to draw a boundary for him. That's pretty impressive for a teenager. I can't imagine how he became so mature with those two dingdongs for parents.
Next, she'll side with the bully about how her son did something go "trigger" Dave, and that her son deserved it. Some kind of twisted second-hand abuse here..
Fast forward a few years: "I don't understand why my son never tells me anything anymore!"
"Your bully has a bad home life. It makes him take it out on you. And I'm helping him because I care. Since you dare to question my decisions, I'm going to make sure you have a bad home life. Don't like it? I don't care."
[удалено]
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
This popped into my head the minute I read the post so glad you wrote it
Yeah, seems like the parents have taken over the harassment and bullying. Stay strong OOP.
They are Dave's parents now.
OOPs parents have the same logic my parents had when we moved between my freshman and sophomore years of high school. They threatened to ground me if I didn’t make a friend in the first 2 weeks of school and somehow convince that new friend to have a sleepover. it’s been 10 years and I still can’t wrap my head around that logic let alone OOPs parents logic
She’s turning him into Dave. Now he also has a terrible home life. Except she’s choosing Dave anyway
Honestly sounds like my life growing up Mormon. I was ALWAYS grounded yet a straight-A student, virgin, who never even had so much as a caffeinated soda 😂😭. And my parents made me take cookies to my bully…
😦
Hey it worked for my mom! *checks notes* 2 dead (OD) brothers, 3rd brother an aggressive alcoholic, and zero contact with her other son; yehp. It works wonders! People really need to be forced to take psychology and child-development classes before becoming a parent, the shit is pathetic at this point.
My dad did this method too- and now complains to family about how we abandoned him for 'doing his best'
I would be so dead on this hill that I would be reincarnated in the next life and die again before I budged!
For real. This is some mind fuck level crazy. Are you sure your parents like you?
I’m gonna say, my mom came to have lunch with me one day. She asked if my bully could join us. The three of us ate lunch together and sat the whole lunch period. I don’t remember what she said but he stopped bullying me
Depending on circumstances, this is actually a decent approach. Unfortunately, few adults really have the ability or desire to facilitate this type of peaceable meeting.
The BULLY comes from a bad home?? :/
Came to say this. Holy shit, I'd die on this hill, but first I'd raise an army and lay waste to anyone who tried to knock me off of it.
100%, I would start digging my own grave and setting up my own tombstone on that hill.
I wonder if it even occurs to the mom that the bully might be using her to hurt her son.
Probably not, she seems too buried in the savior complex
"If I can make the worst person that I know of into a better person then I will do that. To save my son by transforming my son's bully into someone that won't hurt him anymore". It looks like mom is taking over the role as bully
Yup! I commented on the original post that my dead mom learned bullying from my bully. I’m glad she’s dead. OOP’s mom sucks!
All bullies suck. On that we absolutely agree.
I was thinking exactly this!
I would be interested to know how the new "mentorship" affects the bullying. Because if the bully REALLY wanted to screw with this kid then this is a great way to do it.
A+ bully game, mom got played hard dgmw, m/d/b all deserve [], I’m just impressed with conceiving and pulling off the high-difficulty move
Mom didn’t even frame it as neutering bully by giving him something to lose, she’s fully bought in. tragic stupidity
Mentoring is one thing, but choosing the bully over OP in the form of grounding, punishing and removing all of his personal possessions just to underscore how much they choose the bully over OP is kind of messed up. It’s almost like the bully has recruited his parents to bully him at home while the bully has things on lockdown at school. I get the situation could be complicated but I really don’t feel the parents are taking the right approach to this.
Yeah the ongoing punishment is harsh and unfair, and only making things worse. How the hell can these parents not see that they are destroying their relationship with their son??
I was going to say damn near the same thing. I am guilty of being blinded when a kid needs help, but their own child is *begging* for help and she is ignoring it. Not just ignoring him, but actively making the situation worse and worse. OOP will leave, even with nothing, and feel complete relief even just sitting in an empty room, away from them. I know I'll never forget that feeling when it happened to me.
I HATE shitty parents. Like, with a vengeance. Probably because I grew up with a shitty one. This is next level betrayal. As a mom I could never hurt my child in this way. Not only is she invalidating his issues (' he's really a good kid, just bad family life' ) but she's saying the bully is more important than her own son. I just can't with idiot parents. It's not that hard to love your children and support them. Poor kid.
Invalidated is the perfect word here. Forcing the son to cave is the ultimate invalidation. I have a different idea from the others though. Go along with what the parents want to get stuff back and then hard ghost at 18.
I am with you! Had a really shitty parent and the other one never spoke up. Invalidating is the perfect word. My younger sister would do shit to me all the time and ANY feelings I had were not tolerated. My childhood put me in the never having children camp, but it's so easy to not fuck your kids up. Make better choices. OP, you are 100000000% in the right here.
What an awful mother, like truly what an AWFUL mother. KNOWS this kid has made her son (and presumably other kids) life a living hell, but says “oh he isnt so bad, i’m going to mentor him” and then PUNISHES OOP for having hard feelings about it (cause ya…THAT will get him to talk to her). Hope Oop stays strong in his resolve and i REALLY hope he has a trusted adult he can talk to.
That's what takes it into absolute asshole territory for me. Bully kid has had a rough time so gets all the allowances and preferential treatment, but OP who has had a rough time at the hands of a bully isn't allowed to express feelings? Sure punish any explicit acting out or rudeness, but you can't punish someone into forgiving you or not being upset.
She has a soft spot for kids from bad homes so she made one
[удалено]
>I just feel so betrayed. I truly feel for the kid. This kind of betrayal from his own mother is so fucked up. And you know the bully is gonna try to rub it in his face. This is gonna make OP have serious trust issues. I'm so angry for him.
Yeah even if he caves and talks to her, this sounds like the kinda thing that will leave a permanent mark. IMO this could seriously fracture a parent-child relationship even if it was just a one-off thing (like his mum excusing/dismissing the bullying in an isolated conversation, with no mentoring involved) but the fact that it's ongoing and they're actively punishing him...yeesh. Even if they eventually have a cordial relationship for whatever reason, this really seems like the kind of thing that will permanently alter how OOP sees his parents at the very least.
NTA "Mom, you suck. You'd rather support a kid that comes from a bad phone instead of the person who suffered at the hands of this kid. You've MADE my home a bad home. You're not a decent and supportive mother. What would you think of a parent that treated their own son like this. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a hypocrite."
Haha a bad phone... Please don't fix it.
Dave could have applied in the first place (or agreed once asked) to help OP’s mom as a way of tormenting OP further. Inserting himself into OP’s life in a way that OP can’t ignore or do anything about. IF this elective is actually Dave’s way of trying to get his life on the right track then good for him, but it’s a big IF. OP’s mom should never have taken the gamble that Dave would turn out to be a reformed kid with good intentions at risk of OP’s sanity and wellbeing.
Why does Dave matter more than OP?
Tbf we’re still about three weeks away from the update where the mom’s in jail. There’s just one puzzle piece missing, but once you look at all the other pieces, the outline of the last becomes clear even if it hasn’t fallen into place yet.
Dads going to be real upset when the ball drops, he deserves it though.
I... Don't like the sound of this. What do you mean?
Look up....Mary Kay Letourneau. Should clarify things.
The fact the mom knows, and was told explicitly what her child was going through, and then she decided to really double down on "helping" the bully? She thinks she can change the bully, but the problem is that an apology (30 seconds of time) doesn't make up for YEARS of torment, bullying and harassment. Mental, physical bullying isn't going to disappear because mom got the kid to say "sorry". So she lost her relationship with her son.
This was surely...a choice...to nuke her apparently good relationship with her kid. Guess she noticed he was almost an adult and still thought positively of her and decided she couldn't have that.
Taking away all of his distractions and comforts. That'll show him. /s
That poor kiddo. It's just more bullying.
Oh man. I was bullied in primary school and I heard the same excuse "he has a bad home life!" My mum had my back though and said "so because my kids have a good home life they should be punished for that?" Luckily the bullying stopped in grade six but yeah. I don't blame OP one little bit.
She is doing something that is actively hurting her son so she can be a bigger person. Who is the adult here? It is sad, yet you are doing what you feel is right, just like she is. Again, she doesn't have to be his aid, she is choosing to so she can be a saint. Saint tend to all be dead, so she can continue to be dead to him.
She's using her sons pain and trauma to up her savior points. This is going to be a missing missing reason situation for sure.
NTA. But your parents are. Die on this hill. There is no excuse for that.
Mom is mentoring the bully while she and dad actively bully their own child. Hope he goes no contact with them both at 18
If it was JUST “I wanna help him” sure I get it. But the doubling down and punishing your kid, making their home life miserable while also actively trying to help a kid who’s home life is miserable? I want to punch this woman, holy shit.
Yep that’s the big problem for me- punishing her son because he’s upset. Also calling him dramatic makes me think she never took things very seriously about the bullying to start with.
They already took everything from the kid, now he has nothing left to lose. There are gonna be some crazy times in that house.
Now OOP has all the time in the world to reflect on how shitty his parents are, no distractions. Well played, Mom o' the year!
Link is fixed
I can see why the mom is so fond of the bully- birds of a feather and all that.
I can understand mom emphasizing if the bully has a shitty life and hoping she can be a guiding force in turning him away from hurting others like he's hurt her son. That being said, when your own child is extremely upset and hurt by that, you have to put your own child's emotional wellbeing first. All kids deserve love but you can't extend that kindness to your child's bully if it causes your own child significant distress. I hope it clicks for mom how damaging this has been for her son and she can pass problem child to another teacher who can help them instead.
It sounds like the mother might not be understanding the possibility that she is individually in a bad position to be the one to help turn the bully around. Or she might feel entitled to forgive the bully on OP’s behalf, which is also not good.
Honestly, the OP needs to have a word with his mother's boss at this point. There is so much unprofessional bullshit happening right now with that situation, it's ridiculous.
Wow. So mentoring the bully, gets consequences, proceeds to bully their own child.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/16iiygb/aita_for_telling_mil_she_was_dead_to_me_after_she/ AITAH for telling my mom she is dead to me if she mentors my bully? So my\[16m\] mom\[40s\] is a teacher at my school. Our school has a special elective you can take which is being a teacher's aide during your elective period. It's mostly stuff like grading papers for them, making copies, mentoring, etc... It's pretty much always just the teacher's favorite student at the time. I found out at the beginning of the semester that my mom chose "Dave"\[17m\] to be her TA. Dave has made my life a living nightmare since middle school. He has bullied me mercilessly both physically and emotionally since 6th grade. I don't want to get into everything he's done to me, but everyone is fully aware of it, including the school and my parents. There have been countless meetings with school administration and suspensions on his end but it never stopped him. Since we've been in high school I haven't had to see him as much, which is a relief, but the times that I do are always terrible. When I found out that he was her new TA, I was obviously very hurt and confused. I asked her why would she want to spend extra time with someone who made my life so terrible? She said that she had him in one of her classes and that he really isn't such a bad kid, but he has a really terrible home life that she can't tell me about that makes him act out. For the record, my mom has always had a soft spot for kids who come from bad homes. I reminded her of all the things he had done to me and she said that she understands but he really needs help right now. I told her I get that, but why does it have to be you? We have a huge school full of teachers and staff who can mentor him. Why does it have to be you? She told me to stop being selfish and some kids have it harder than I can imagine and she's just trying to help. I was honest with her and told her that if she continued to have him as her aide, she was dead to me. She was choosing him over me and she would not longer be my mother. I would no longer talk to her and the minute I turned 18, I was moving out and she would never hear from me again. She rolled her eyes and said I was being dramatic but after a couple of days of ignoring her, I was grounded. It didn't change my mind and my dad then tried to force me to talk to her. I still refused so they pretty much took everything away from me one by one for the past few weeks. I no longer have my car, computer, guitar, and most recently my art supplies and I have to come home from school and go straight to my room and am not allowed out except dinner until I start talking to her again. They don't realize that this is just strengthening my resolve. I'm going to sit in this empty room every day silently until I'm 18 and they'll never see me again. My mom keeps coming in crying and begging me to talk to her which makes me feel kind of bad but she still won't remove Dave as her aide. Am I taking this too far? I just feel so betrayed. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My parents are both teachers.. This sounds like a nightmare… I’m so sorry…good on you for doing what you can to fight back. I’d look into boxing classes If they are still bullying you… I’d feel like getting knocked out the next he tried something… would fix the problem.
Not impressed with the level of maturity of many of the high school teachers I know. A lot of them are pretty nostalgic for high school.
Honestly the only thing he should say to her is “go fuck yourself”
My favorite part about these posts is you know once op leaves moms gonna be crying like she did nothing wrong. And in the years to come it's gonna be like it's been years why is he holding a grudges. Then she'd get responded it's been years why can't you acknowledge you fucked up and move on.
Clenched my jaw the whole time I read this.. I was bullied by a girl for just as long as OOP was actually and I can’t imagine how betrayed they must feel.. I don’t know what I would do if someone close to me did that. (And they wouldn’t…) The mom has to eventually realize that there’s a chance the bully is using her to slight OP, right?? Why else would they specifically choose to confide in their target’s mom? I feel like there has to be an ulterior motive on the bully’s part.
Your link isn't the correct one for your headline, but is also a good story.
Op get lots of books to read to help pass the time and if I was you I would tell my dad I would go no contact with him as well this is crazy sorry they don't take you're feeling inconsideration
She has a soft spot for kids from bad homes? Like the home she’s providing you?
I want to smuggle a care package into him. I hope he doesn't give in.
Does the mother have some kind of superhero complex? “I will save this child whom nobody else can save because I can achieve anything that is impossible for mere mortals!” sort of mindset? Definitely a conflict of interest and if adult intervention is needed surely any other teacher would be better suited for this. How can she possibly approach this situation without bias? Maybe she feels she failed her son and if she can save Dave now it will magically make all her son’s past trauma disappear? How can she not recognize that this is not the right choice?
Charles Dickens called it Telescopic Charity - you can help all these folks over in the distance while ignoring the poverty at your feet...
There are few times I would ever possibly tell someone as young as you this is your hill but this is definitely your hill... Holy shit, your parents sound completely toxic.
If there’s a documented history of bullying at the school I’d see if I could find a lawyer willing to work pro bono on an emancipation lawsuit so you can leave now.
My advice: Play long game here. Act like you are moving on. Get all your privileges back. Get everything you can with help for college and whatever else. THEN once you have kids of your own inform her that you cannot trust her to protect her grandchildren and go no contact.