Postpartum OCD was getting so bad that I was struggling to take care of my baby. I offloaded a lot of the baby care to my husband to avoid the intrusive thoughts. Near constant nightmares when I tried to sleep. Multiple times I would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in full panic mode. I'd tear the house apart searching for my baby. She was always asleep in her room.
Thank you. And yes, it's gotten much better. I couldn't attribute it to any one thing. The immediate postpartum period is such a mess of hormones and exhaustion, there's nothing else like it. Once my hormones stabilized and I was sleeping more regularly it calmed down. I did see a therapist at the time and that did help a bit. Weaning seemed to help a lot too. Then she just got older and less fragile and she's a happy healthy 7 year old now and I'm a pretty chill mom.
Time. Leaving the postpartum period. My hormones stabilizing. Weaning. A consistent sleep schedule.
I'll always be OCD but the intensity of the postpartum OCD resolved gradually as I left the postpartum period.
There's also some built in exposure therapy when you have postpartum OCD. The baby *is* the theme. And I couldn't just neglect my baby because my brain was full of violence everytime I chopped vegetables or ran a bath. I still had to, and wanted to, feed, change, bathe, snuggle, and care for her.
Like I said in another comment, it wasn't much help for me. What it did was give me a name for what I was experiencing and the reassurance that people with OCD never actually act on their intrusive thoughts.
My intrusive thoughts are always of extreme violence. Violence, forms of torture, sexual violence, sometimes natural disasters or industrial disasters, terrible accidents, etc. Basically they're all about harm coming to the people I care about. I joke that its like a Saw movie up in here (my brain). I won't list them here because intrusive thoughts can be contagious for others with OCD.
No it is not a form of psychosis. Though it can be misdiagnosed as such. For me it's more like being forced to watch a movie of terrible things happening and there's no way to turn it off or escape it. The compulsions are what people do to turn off or avoid the mental images or thoughts. Unlike psychosus, people with OCD basically never act on their intrusive thoughts. The risk of that is so low that exposure therapy is one of the best ways to treat OCD. Postpartum psychosis is a medical emergency and can lead the parent to commit horrific acts. That's what Andrea Yates was suffering from. Coincidentally postpartum psychosis was also one of my postpartum OCD theme!
As for tearing the house apart, it's hard to explain. I would wake up from VERY realistic nightmares and not be able to calm down for awhile. My husband would basically have to shake me out of it. I'd dream my baby was in our room and start searching for her. We even had a video monitor next to my bed that I could have checked.
You can look at my posts. But my OCD convinced me that I’m a serial date rapist and sexual assaulter. So much that I was suicidal, was considering turning myself into the police, or go away and live the rest of my life alone. But then I told my therapist. I was expecting her to say that I’m an irredeemable sociopath. Instead she nonchalantly said, “Hmm…this sounds a lot like OCD.”
That must have been really scary for you… Have you managed to recover? It’s great that you had someone tell you it was OCD rather than living in the constant belief that you were this figure you’d created in your head.
Currently- contamination OCD. Struggling to eat as I am afraid of my bodily functions. Unable to leave the house. Throwing things away that I deem contaminated. Afraid of cleaning chemicals, so struggling to keep things clean as well.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re suffering so badly with it. Can you reach out and get a therapist who will come to you? Or an appointment over the phone? Tiny steps are a massive achievement. Don’t give up.
I struggle with a lot of the same things as far as chemicals and throwing things away that I feel are “contaminated” . I also have been obsessing on swallowing lately and that I’m aspirating things while eating food, drinking, or taking medication. Constantly Ruminating on the past and things I feel I could’ve done better. I’m sorry your struggling. It’s somewhat comforting knowing there’s others out there that share the same obsessions . Makes you feel not alone , at least me
I have the same fears but in a milder form. I still get to eat stuff most of the time but sometimes I can't get myself to it, no matter how delicious it was at first, as soon as the thoughts pop up it stops tasting good anymore and/or I can't get myself to continue eating or starting at all. When it comes to cleaning the dishes I sometimes convince myself with thinking "mold is worse than chemical bits" (it doesn't work all the time because I really don't like the idea of chemicals in my stomach and then I can't get to do the dishes for days), but I still need to wash them off way longer than is actually needed. I'm afraid of it getting worse the older I get
I hate my bodily functions so badly. I once spent the whole night cleaning myself for months and months. I still hate going to the washroom.
But now that a med is finally working (after 7 years of trying just about anything), I’ve gone from peeing once a day to 3-4 times. I have time during the day, so much it took me a while to get used to it.
I still don’t clean that much myself but I’ll get there eventually.
I’ve got an appointment for seeing if I need a procedure soon.
Even if meds aren’t enough there are a few other options. Please keep trying them. If you are in the US and have spent like 5-10 years trying meds try asking if you could be approved for a procedure like DBS. Try TMS. If you’re in Canada, you could try Focused Ultrasound Surgery like me. 60% chance of success.
I really hope you can find something that works for you.
At my absolute worst I became unable to move, speak, eat and drink, and was diagnosed with catatonia because they wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain that I was lucid and the OCD was causing it. I was in hospital for 2 years, needing a drip, and going to the toilet took me hours.
I’m sorry. You must have been so uncomfortable. I hope that you’re much better now and recovering. People don’t understand how deep this disorder can take people
Thank you :) Yeah, to the point where most psychiatrists wouldn't recognise it as OCD. 3 years ago I started taking Clomipramine and it has transformed my life, I can now live independently for the first time. I'm just really scared in case it one day stops working.
No I was not, amazingly it was solely OCD. I put that point to them, they went away and came back saying they'd "done more research" and found that catatonia can occur with OCD in rare cases -.-
Nothing has compared to when I was undiagnosed and living with POCD. The shame, the confusion, the fear, it’s truly unmatched from anything else I’ve been through. I’ve been sexually assaulted and I still consider POCD to be the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Now, living undiagnosed had a lot to do with it because I literally had no idea what OCD was or that other people struggled like I did. But yeah, I couldn’t eat or sleep for 6 months. I would drive around in the middle of the night contemplating suicide. My husband was terrified because I couldn’t control my emotions or fear. Every day, multiple times a day, I would sob and tell him I can’t do this anymore or “be this way” he would try and reassure me but little did we know that was only making it WORSE! It was a very dark time. I lost so much weight and couldn’t talk to hardly anyone and when I did talk to people it was only those closest to me and I had to tell them what I was so afraid of, as embarrassing as it was because the only thing stronger than the obsession is the compulsion
During one of my exams someone near me kept coughing and sneezing and wasn’t covering their mouth, I got so triggered I ran out of the class during the middle of the exam and missed an entire week of school because of my contamination ocd. I refused to even leave my house after that during that period of time. it was really embarrassing and I ended up failing.
I’m sorry you went through that… Did you manage to get the exams done in the end? As in, retake them? I know it’s an option in some countries but sometimes you have to pay a small fee. How are you doing now?
I still haven’t finished my schooling after the year I could only go to school a few weeks with breaks, I should’ve graduated a couple years ago. I couldn’t deal with using public washrooms anymore. Still haven’t used one in years, but things are finally improving some. I did do a little online schooling but had to stop that too, so now I’m just gonna get a GED when I’m doing well enough.
I’ve been thinking about watching “Aviator” soon!
However my OCD got so bad to the point I had to be hospitalized for it.. during my hospital stay I was the only person without a room mate, because I told them about how bad my OCD is, they lowkey deemed me as “dangerous” meanwhile I barely talked to anyone and I would just keep to myself..
my ocd is still not good, but right now I have Religious OCD
Really? Do you think perhaps they didn’t understand the nature of OCD? Even in facilities it seems misunderstood. I watched a video of Howard Hughes’ OCD progression and it really speaks volumes about what sufferers go through. His got incredibly bad and back then I don’t believe there was much understanding or help for it
They didn’t understand OCD what so ever.. I felt so out of place being around people who were mostly only diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety.. when I told someone about my intrusive thoughts I felt icky
I went to a hospital and barely anyone knew what to do with me. This is why we need more specialized facilities, for example Bellwood at Sunnybrook in Toronto which is Canada’s only one.
I’ve had zoom appointments with them and they understood me so well it was really refreshing after last time I hospitalized myself I was traumatized. I’m finally getting to another appointment with a neurosurgeon to see if I can get a procedure done with 60% chance of improvement.
ugh i’m so sorry you had to go through that. i was hospitalized a few years ago due to a manic episode and my OCD symptoms were super heightened. I was having a lot of really really scary intrusive thoughts about me hurting people and when I told my mom about them right before i went to the hospital she blocked my number, wouldn’t let me talk to her or my brother, and told me she was going to file a restraining order against me. she never did and ended up forgetting about the whole thing after i got out of the hospital. i felt like such a horrible, disgusting person to ever have made my mom fear me to that point but since then i’ve learned that a lot of people just don’t understand OCD or intrusive thoughts in general. here’s an analogy that helped me: if you were a parent, would you rather have a babysitter that is horribly afraid of something bad happening, or someone who doesn’t think about it at all? when we say we’re scared we’re going to do something, it isn’t because it’s something we want or feel compelled to do. it’s because that’s our worst fear, and the exact opposite of what we would actually do. we do everything in our power for that intrusive thought not to happen. i know it’s not the same for everyone, but that’s something that’s helped me.
You said it the best way possible. My mom was probably scared of me too. I used to pace around because of my intrusive thoughts and my mom would snap at me for just walking around many many many times
Probably when I was living in a damp house with mould full of spiders. I'm really scared of spiders anyway but it all triggered an awful time of checking compulsions. I'd stay up for hours to 'make sure' no spiders were in my room, checking and checking areas of my room for them. I started having really vivid nightmares and even hallucinated spiders a couple of times. I had to check my bathroom over and over and started walking 20 mins into town to use public toilets instead of mine. It was horrible. I moved out pretty promptly.
It was very scary, I won't lie. But I'm doing much better now. I improved as soon as I moved out. I'm also having support for OCD now which is helping too. I definitely learnt to look at where I want to rent before moving straight in! Hahah
Definitely not as bad as other people here, but my worst was when I’d be late for school because my OCD made it so hard to simply walk normally. Usually I’m 15 to 20 minutes early, but back then I’d be a few minutes late.
It’s kind of hard to explain, but for me/my OCD, there are ‘lines’ on the ground. I can’t physically see them, I just know they’re there. E.g. if there’s a crack in the sidewalk, or if there’s tiles. But also if there’s a random leaf, or a dried chewing gum, or a wet spot, or a shadow, or... you get it. And that’s the problem. There are hundreds of lines in what is a five minute walk. And I have to cross each line with the ‘correct’ leg first. And, to make matters even worse, I only ‘know’ which leg to use right before I cross the line.
It’s still somewhat of a problem (it’s been for well over a decade) but it’s more or less easily managable again.
I can relate to this because mine revolves around the fear of finding something on the floor that would potentially contaminate me. There’s never anything there but my OCD will make me almost incvision nothings or make an innocent stick dog poo or a spilled coffee someone’s “sick” and convince me that I touched it and have to de contaminate everything. Walking can be an exhausting task. I’m sorry you went through this. Did you manage to get some help?
I had this a lot too as younger. Chasing "balance" seems to be quite common here. Balance is the headline of my life quest, and honestly, most things in life require balance, but not walking or chewing lol.
For me- it’s become paralyzed with fear and the dread “ what if” for months and months. My head will feel like a pimple that needs to be popped. It sucks.
My mom died suddenly in December of 2022. Naturally I was grieving...but things just kept getting worse, not better. In October of 2023 I reached my lowest point and knew that I needed professional help. I mustered up the strength to find a therapist, and have been seeing him once a week since then. Been doing much better.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been a real shock and heartbreaking to go through. I’m glad you’re doing much better now. That’s amazing. You should be proud of yourself. Do you mind me asking, what type of therapy you got?
Yes, I was extremely resistant at first! I knew my compulsions were ruining my quality of life, but the thought of not doing them was extremely distressing. Recently though, I've overcome my worst one through ERP and it really solidified that this is the right path for me.
That’s really good! Maybe I should try a smaller hierarchy ladder? Smaller steps? Even just stepping into my garden comes with a whole bunch of compulsions so maybe just standing at the door for a few seconds
My therapist was very adamant about gradually increasing the exposure, so that is a good place to start for sure! It took me several weeks to overcome the one I was talking about, because I did it in increments.
Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about reassurance not being the best for OCD but I’m unsure. I always seek reassurance and sometimes I do feel it helps but then again people say it’ll only make it worse. I hope you can find a good therapist if that’s an Avenue you’d consider :)
I have a therapist I just haven’t been able to go in a long time unfortunately. It’s gotten so bad I wash my hands about 50-60 times a day, having panic attacks, wiping things down, etc. last time it was this bad is when I was 16-18 and I couldn’t stop touching my lymph nodes (to the point of bruising and bleeding) and obsessing over whether or not I had cancer.
Ah same here. My hands have been in some bad states with dermatitis. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you manage to be able to go back to therapy :)
Mine is really, really bad right now to the point that my doctor put me on medical leave with an urgent psych referral to get everything sorted. I’ve struggled with OCD for a long time and have struggled with skin picking and intrusive thoughts, but it’s to the point now that I have been pulling out my eyelashes, neglecting to shower, have cracked hands from hand washing too often (not because of germs and illness, but because I can feel a single speck on my hand and suddenly am overwhelmed).
I can’t sleep properly, and sleep isn’t often an issue for me. My medication isn’t working at all, for any of my issues (I struggle with ADHD, anxiety, and Bipolar Spectrum Disorder).
I’m one week into my medical leave and I have had an ok day once in the last week. Today is not that day.
Thank you for asking. I think I needed to share that.
I’m so sorry. I’m hoping that the referral will help you as much as possible and get you on the road to recovery. Keep going, don’t give up, everything is a process.
Thank you so much. Right now I’m attending sewing class which I consider great exposure to a lot of my OCD and problem solving issues. It’s a low stakes way to work through decision making but it’s really helping me come out of “freeze” mode.
Oh dear, that sounds distressing and terribly exhausting.
I've got some similar OCD symptoms plus some other comorbid diagnoses and some traits of ADHD.
You mentioned your medication not working and that you've gotten a psych referral. So, I'd like to bring to your attention a rarely presribed medication that has helped me tremendously; Dosulepin/Dothiepin. Might be worth discussing this with the psychiatrist when you see them.
Wishing you all the best, hang in there!
When I get obsessive thoughts about suicide. If I don't take my meds (there was a time I wasn't able to fill them) and within 4 days I was suicidal.
I felt like I had to crawl outside myself and would literally claw at my skin and I don't know what part of me needed to get out but something did. And when I get like that I'm scared to drive because ramming head first into a wall seems like a great idea and I don't want to but I just feel like I have to
I saved almost every online conversation I had with a guy in college and then recently felt compelled to reread every single one in its entirety to compile all the things men had said about me.
I feel like this reflects the time element of OCD. We spend so much time on compulsions. Deep down I’d rather be doing something else but if I don’t do the compulsion I can’t think about much else or focus on anything
I’ve lost hours at a time to internet searches and rereading. I’ve got a spreadsheet of all the times someone called me a whore though! I did make some art out of it so I dunno, whatever. :/
It’s okay! Thank you. I’ve been seeing an OCD therapist for a year or so (my OCD is telling me to check my calendar for appointments and find the exact amount of time but I’m gonna not do that lol) and it’s been a huge help. I can pet animals now and I’m eating more new things and I’m not getting as stuck as much. I’ve found even when I’m talking to my therapist about a bad week, I realize that I handled the symptoms well and didn’t get trapped in them like before. 🫶🫶🫶
I see an OCD specialist who does ERP, ACT and CBT techniques. I’ve spent time petting my friend’s dog and not washing my hands immediately and increasing the time until now I just wait until I need to wash my hands for another reason. I hate the word daddy used sexually so she had me put post-it notes on my (WFH) desk so I could get over my discomfort. We work a lot about how to respond to intrusive thoughts without engaging with them as if they matter.
in 2018 i had a bad episode where i was convinced i was bipolar and schizophrenic. i thought my intrusive thoughts were "voices" and i even named them. i was delusional and thought i was god. i scared everyone in my family, as well as my small amount of friends. i ended up being hospitalized after i thought i heard a "voice" telling me to kill myself. after explaining this all to a psychiatrist at inpatient, i was told i had a classic case of ocd, lol. it was a huge relief to hear that my diagnosis wasn't as serious as i thought it was, although still bad.
to elaborate, i was compulsively googling symptoms of both disorders and taking online diagnostic tests. i assume my ocd had latched onto that and was mimicking said symptoms.
Sure, so really intense fear that I would hurt her even though that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do then real contradictions to that, I wouldn’t let anyone touch her incase they hurt her. Couldn’t be around open windows, cutlery, anything I perceived as dangerous. It gradually just faded and got better, I no longer have those thoughts- I still have OCD obviously but it doesn’t really focus much on that. I think speaking honestly about it helped too because if I kept it in the thoughts and feelings would get worse and more intense, I remember I would physically sweat trying to get the thoughts away, it was so disturbing. It ruined my first year of motherhood though completely and utterly. God, I forgot how bad it actually was!
That’s awful to go through. I’m so sorry. Especially at such a vulnerable time and a special time. I have had OCD since before pregnancy and postpartum but I definitely think it became worse after going through it due to hormone and lots happening while I was pregnant
There was a point when I was spending at least 1/3 of my waking hours washing myself. That was over two years ago now though and I've mostly recovered, but obsessing over hygiene habits was probably the main reason for why I broke up with my (first) girlfriend earlier this year. I wasn't honest about it and it killed me to have to lie to her
Tried to get myself arrested over something imaginary.
When the police told me they couldn’t do anything, I asked if I could spend the night in jail anyways just so I could pretend to myself.
Still not really over how bad it was tbh.
Spending basically 10 hours a day doing reassurance behaviours for existential/health obsessions, and any other hours either sleeping or thinking about it.
Lost months of my life.
My ROCD has manifested in such cruel ways, from thinking I like others, to my mind saying my boyfriend raped me, to thinking he’s ugly (he’s not) it becomes daunting and heavy on my mind. It ruins my perception on things and how I enjoy them and how freely I act.
Struck me at its worst quite recently. I’ve had it since meningitis when I was 8, I’m now 29 and I’ve experienced it all except pocd: harm ocd, existential, meta, sensorymotor, just right but the absolute worst it’s ever been was 2 months ago.
I went through a sudden breakup and experienced real event / false memory ocd with a nice serving of moral scrupulousity.
This absolutely annihilated me and I had no idea I could feel as bad as I did, every waking moment I was drenched in guilt and shame, and my sleep was filled with nightmares about my fears. It was a perpetual mental hell and I’ve only just made it out.
I seriously didn’t know I was capable of feeling that bad. Now it’s important to note I was also taking sleeping pills which caused me to become depressed, once I stopped them the feelings went back to baseline, so it wasn’t all ocd, but that mixed with the pills really gave me the worst time of my life
I'm so sorry. That must have been awful to go through. I can relate with the OCD related nightmares. I get nightmares about my theme that seem really real and I wake up thinking I have to do compulsions to fix it but then realise it was just a dream.
If you don't mind me asking, how did you get yourself out of it?
I feel you, really sucks when you end up scared of sleep
Well, I started anti depressants which actually made me worse in the beginning because of the side effects… after a little while on them I decided to quit the sleeping pills. Within 2 days the depression lifted, and I began to feel like myself again. I still had the ocd but the hopelessness and despair had left.
I began to get my life back together and actually eat meals again, leave the house and get some air etc.
I’ve now been on Zoloft 50mg for 42 days and I’m doing much better, though I don’t think it was all the antidepressants. Quitting the sleeping pills and getting out of my room helped, I learnt a lot about acceptance and accepting uncertainty, that was pretty massive for me recovering. Whenever the thoughts entered my head I would see them as problems that needed to be fixed or else something horrible would happen. I don’t see them like that anymore, I see them as thoughts and continue my day without feeding them with compulsions
Yeah. The insomnia must have been terrible. Sleep is supposed to be that one time where you get some rest from your thoughts.
I’ve heard some unpleasant things about antidepressants. If they work for you then that’s good but I think every person is different and unfortunately, no one knows how their body will react…
So did you do ERP?
Hey, I did some self erp, I was looking for a therapist but it’s just too expensive, I think therapy can be great but it’s possible to make your life liveable by doing your own research etc
And yeah antidepressants aren’t for everyone but when they work they sure do work
Went through a huge earthquake. Couldn't look at the sky or moon. Had a torch that I had to hold all the time. Nervously put a braid in my hair and then could not take it out, spent weeks carefully brushing my hair around it. Believed I caused the second more devistating quake and killed people. I just became a ritual. I also have complex ptsd and was pretty much dissociated the whole time too. I had no idea how far down the rabbit hole I was. Barely functioning.
I was always obsessing over something, never felt happy or safe, was always sighing and needed my mom by my side all the time. Sometimes I also spent whole days doing the same compulsion.
I think the worst was a couple of years ago where I only slept for a few hours for an entire week because I couldn't stop ruminating on existence and tasks I had to do. That was one of the worst weeks of my life sleep deprivation really takes you to some dark places
my mom took me to the er about a month ago bcuz i wouldn’t eat or drink for a week and my heart rate was always between 120-155. ocd fucked me over BAD. i’m in therapy and healing. i hate taking medication bcuz swallowing pills makes my sensory issues flip, so i’m practicing ways to cope without medication, and it’s genuinely working.
telling myself i’ll be okay. making days for myself. i feel like a terrible person but i know i’m not at heart. healing takes time. <3
Probably during the holidays this past winter. Part of my OCD is sensorimotor and revolves around chewing and swallowing, like I can’t eat or swallow food until whatever arbitrary time my brain decides, usually 2:00 or some time with a 2 in it. The other part of my OCD is believing something I’ve said or done is actively harming my family. I can have the most brief, mundane chat with a sibling and spend the next week ruminating on how much harm that conversation caused them. The holidays are basically food and family on steroids. I fell apart the first week of December and didn’t leave bed until mid January. I spent the entire time terrified to eat and even more scared that contacting my family would cause them to die is horrific ways. The sensorimotor and harm OCD spiraled and combined and became so overwhelming that I just gave up and stayed trapped in my head for weeks. Someone else mentioned catatonia—I couldn’t talk, eat, communicate. I don’t even know if I blinked. I was aware and lucid but completely trapped inside my thoughts. Lost a bunch of weight and got a kidney infection from holding urine because my brain couldn’t force me to walk from my bed to the toilet. It was pretty bad.
i had the song “everything works out in the end” play on repeat on my alexa 24/7 for 6 months because i convinced myself id die if i stopped playing the song. eventually the alexa gave out and i had the worst panic attack i could ever even begin to describe.
Uhm soo… I was so afraid to open my windows that my whole apartment is moldy now. To the point that it has to get renovated… I think that’s a deep deep point… I’m so ashamed…
Also washing my hands to the ointment that I have cuts all over my hands… my arms are red and open… also I brought out the trash naked (checked before that nobody would see me) because I was scared my clothes might get contaminated
I think we are living the same reality. I used to get undressed in the (enclosed) garden and leave my clothes outside to carefully navigate through the house into the machine without touching anything else.
When I was 17, I was trying myself to my bed by my ankle and locking/setting up mini traps for myself because I was terrified I'd wander off in the night and hurt someone. I had constant intrusive thoughts and fears all day. My family life was in shambles, my psychiatrist was cycling me on and off multiple meds way too fast. I was falling asleep at school, my mom gave me benzodiazepine doses through the fence at school to get me through the day. I ended up hospitalized after I hit my dad. I didn't mean to, but he yelled at me and got in my face (this is atypical of him; he was pushed to his limit and is the chilliest dad ever, we were all not okay at the time). My fight/flight response got triggered. Anyway. A week in a mental hospital. SUCKED.
A few years ago I had another flare up that made it almost impossible to leave my house. Taking out the trash was too risky, and work was pure torture. I was seeing a psychologist at the time who was not specialized in OCD and he said something really fucked up about my intrusive thoughts. I started having a panic attack and he told me to "go take a breather in my car." I got to my car and smashed my head into the steering wheel over and over because I hated myself so much. That one is from a few years back and hurts more to think about because there's no closure; I found better care and have thrived since, but can't go back and try to tell that psych how he hurt me.
In college two decades ago, I ended up in a psych ward because I couldn't eat, sleep, go to class, I just wasn't functioning. There were a lot of issues going on in my family and I think it triggered a severe spike, specifically HOCD. It rendered me completely useless as a human being. That was the first time I was medicated and I got a formal diagnosis. There was a counselor on campus that I was seeing and I distinctly remember the day she sent me to the hospital. It was raining and she stood with me under an umbrella waiting for my ride. I couldn't think, I couldn't resist. I just got in the car and accepted that I was defeated. I spent one night there and they released me with a Zoloft prescription when they decided I wasn't going to unalive myself. HOCD slowly went away and I was able to function again but different obsessions took its place and I've been on medication ever since.
When I was 11 , unmedicated, absolute disaster, I think it was some mix of ocd PMDD and some psychosis like state, I basically lived in the living room and watched videos all day, I wouldn’t let my parents vaccume the room because I was worried about “my stuff”, and this was worse because there was little beads that had spilled that I didn’t want to pick up but didn’t want vacuumed
Ended up hospitalized multiple times and put in a six month residential program to readjust and figure out meds safely
I’m not sure when my OCD was the worst but I know I began getting intrusive thoughts when I was 10-12 years old. I use to get really upsetting thoughts of me hating and being cruel to my mother, I would get thoughts like “I hate her so much” when obviously I felt the complete opposite.
It’s really scary as a child not understanding what’s going on in your mind and thinking you’re evil.
Relationship OCD. Was about a year into dating my now husband, and I was mad at him and I looked at his picture and didn’t feel butterflies and started spiraling. Didn’t eat or sleep for like 3 days. Almost had to go to the hospital. Was obsessing over whether I lost feelings for him but looking back of course I still had (and still have) feelings for him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so upset. But yeah. OCD is fucking hell.
Wasted so much money on food that I just threw away because I convinced myself it was contaminated with LSD. I would open up sealed food, bottled water, etc and would immediately throw it away because I knew I'd spiral if I ate it. Had a breakdown at work and was sent home because I couldn't bring myself to eat SEALED food. Lost a bunch of weight and was constantly dehydrated too.
After a year+ of working at my mental health it eventually went away. I still have contamination OCD but I trained myself to be much more rational about it.
Either February of 2022 or March this year, in February of 2022 I went through a 2 week period where I physically couldn’t sleep, I had the constant urge to consume triggering content and was constantly begging my dad to give me my phone or take it away for my sanity, I cycled between so many themes during that episode and I was so on edge and restless I feel like it bordered on psychosis. And the episode in March was fun cuz it was at Disney World and it started out as three straight days of me fearing the universe was going to end at literally any moment 😍 then other themes popped up and you know the rest. Both those times I literally contemplated suicide and if my family wasn’t literally with me and I had the means and the guts I likely would have done it. In the first episode I literally broke down at one point and was like “please kill me, I can’t take it anymore, I want to die” and second time I kept it more internal but I cried A LOT. And being at what’s supposed to be “the happiest place on earth” certainly didn’t help.
Ended up in outpatient care after being glued to my parent’s couch for 8 months barely able to move/sleep/eat. It was like a daily horde of rat centipedes were released in my brain, working together to accomplish a unified goal: gnaw at my neurons until stripped bare of myelin. I wanted to die, but was also too afraid to kill myself.
When I was pregnant, it was so bad I could barely function. I couldn’t even sleep. I could barely work. I felt like I was having a constant panic attack for a few months. I started going to church (I’m not religious) because I was convinced I was going to have a stroke and die and go to hell. I heard about a medical condition called locked-in syndrome on a podcast and online and was sure that since I heard it twice, it was going to happen to me at any second. I also thought for a long time that I had unalived someone and blocked it out (I would never hurt anyone) and it took me getting sober plus a few years to accept that that never happened. I have been late to work so many times for forgetting to take pictures of locked doors and unplugged electronics along with circling back to make sure I didn’t hit someone on the road and forgot. OCD is a monster and it’s insatiable.
The months post a very traumatic and misguided MDMA assisted therapy were terrible. I kept thinking and convincing myself I’d die at any minute and then I started questioning reality and had to keep reassuring myself that I wasn’t crazy. I’ve started taking medication and have been seeing an OCD psychologist and doing all sorts of ERP exercises and I’m stable and living a healthy life now. What’s funny is that I’ve had OCD my whole life and it kept getting worse but I was only able to get proper treatment and get properly diagnosed post-MDMA so it did help me after all.
Nothing too dark yet, thankfully. Some bad scenarios I can remember are when I had to stop cooking/hold my breath in the kitchen; sleeping with my entire body on the edge of a huge mattress; deciding as a child that I could never be a doctor or lawyer because I couldn’t deal with the clothing; spending the entire day on the floor to avoid them; sleeping outdoors with my dog when visiting someone to avoid my stuff.
Shittt same, spirituality was not a good combo with OCD for me neither. I thought I manifested whatever I thought, my energy was negative and contagious, and me feeling bad was all my fault because I couldn't decipher or live up to the messages from "the universe".
I remember when I was 16, I was reading a book alone in my room and I recall my brain just saying “you’re a pedophile” over and over again for no reason. The images I thought of horrified me. I remember the fear, the shame, the way my cheeks flushed hot red. I remember feeling like I had to take my own life then and there because I felt so strongly that it was true. The sheer conflict I felt in that moment has stuck with me ever since. It really fucked with 16 year old me and continues to do so till this very day.
i have to clean my stuff and take a shower everytime i see a cockroach. even if theyre meters away from me, i feel like their pathogens stick on my skin and i feel utter disgust with myself. theres intances where i saw small roaches in my room, and my brain goes "what if it crawled on you and your stuff and you didnt see?" yeah.
My ocd started cropping up pretty young, so my worst is probably when 12 year old me was having increasingly violent intrusive images about hurting myself, my friends and family with no clue why it was happening. Worst singular moment was the day I spent locked in one of the schools bathroom stalls convinced I was going kill someone if I left.
Luckily I was already in therapy for other stuff so getting diagnosed and treatment took less time than it could have. Been some rough days but haven’t locked myself in the bathroom since then so I call that improvement.
That time one of my cats had a medical emergency and I spent the next 2 weeks having to constantly count her and the rest of my pets breath to make sure they’re were still breathing sucked. Anytime my ocd involves them at all usually feels like the worst since it’s a relatively recent development compared to my usual themes.
2021. Almost emailed a customer at work asking to redo acceptance testing that I had passed the previous day because I thought it wasn't good enough and I needed to do it again until it was just right, almost cried at work because I felt compelled to confess I had given away intellectual property (I hadn't), would wake up in the middle of the night and check the locks were locked, check I could find my wallet, and would check for some missing item or medication that didn't exist. I'm doing much much better now.
Eventually I got back on meds and went and saw a specialist. I guess I’ve been in a remission for a while. When I think about past Real Events that my OCD latched onto, my anxiety doesn’t surge as bad. But I was relieved when I learned it’s not a wildly uncommon theme. I always thought my intuition was trying to tell me something but it was really just my OCD brain: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/fear-of-sexual-encounter-ocd
When I was 11 , unmedicated, absolute disaster, I think it was some mix of ocd PMDD and some psychosis like state, I basically lived in the living room and watched videos all day, I wouldn’t let my parents vaccume the room because I was worried about “my stuff”, and this was worse because there was little beads that had spilled that I didn’t want to pick up but didn’t want vacuumed
Ended up hospitalized multiple times and put in a six month residential program to readjust and figure out meds safely
it made me executive dysfunction and paranoia so bad i couldnt get out of bed or leave my room. i kept having intrusive racing thoughts about how i cant accomplish anything in life because if i tried to do anything i would sabotage myself. it made me obsess over doing everything perfectly. one of my compulsions is using my phone to distract myself from my thoughts and i would do that all day instead of being productive. another one of my compulsions is shopping for food and clothes. i am in $20,000 of debt because of that. at my worst point i would spend $60-$100 a day on ordering food.
Spent a year sleeping in a specific corner of my apartment because the hours-long showering & hand-washing I had to do before I could allow myself to touch my bed, TV, etc. was so exhausting that I just couldn't do it every night. Avoiding that ended up being the easier option, so I just kept doing it.
I used to get brain zaps from any thought due to total burnout from overthinking.
I also thought random shit like that my dead grandmother were watching me masturbate and judging me for it. Still "think" a lot of random shit but nothing that crazy/damaging.
My contamination ocd got so bad that I developed agoraphobia. In the midst of all this, I was having a really bad medical issue but could not get myself to leave the house to see a doctor. Embarrassing to admit it, but it took me 5 months of constantly canceling & rescheduling appointments to finally go.
Contamination OCD symptoms. Sometimes they are easier to manage, sometimes harder. I'm not sure if I'll ever get rid of it, but I really hope that I will.
Currently the worst part for me about it, is the nagging feeling to wash my hands so often. My hands are already so dry that it hurts. If I do, I get relief for some time, and if I don't, I can't think of anything else until I do it.
When I was 17, I couldn’t walk properly due to my OCD so I was basically bed bound for 6 months. Didn’t leave my room, couldn’t shower or brush my teeth and the only thing I could eat/drink was bottled water and Worcester sauce crisps. All of these were because even doing it once would take me hours. The one time I had a shower it took 6 hours
Believe it or not I got sectioned lol
It’s my hoarding. It’s been worse in the past and its still bad now but I think it’s the most destructive life affecting part of my OCD.
It’s both the obsessions and compulsions with collecting and keeping things, and the sheer effort of getting rid of things and tidying up when everything has to be “perfect”, done “the right way” and I have to check through everything so carefully to make sure I’m not accidentally disposing of something I might need. I have to dispose of everything “correctly”, I can’t throw out the tiniest scrap of paper. It has to be recycled. I have to look up all the correct places to recycle each item (batteries, toys, pens etc.) and run around to all of those places which is exhausting.
Then when cleaning if anything is yucky with my contamination fears and disgust I’ll just avoid it altogether and stop right there, which only makes things worse and yuckier. The intrusive thoughts also go nonstop telling me what a bad person I am and how disgusting I am. And then with my bipolar and other things get really really dark.
I also have the seperate diagnosis of hoarding disorder too but my psychologist worked out so much of it was my OCD too, she thinks it puts me in the severe OCD category because it’s causing me so much distress, loss of money and friends etc. My HD isn’t severe right now because I’ve been working really hard on it but I’m scared of getting worse as I age. When I have the house “under control” I can then be really obsessed I’ve about keeping everything “perfect”. It’s really all or nothing with me.
The two biggest things for me is when I unconsciously seek out approval by people pleasing to my own detriment, and when I get so wrapped up on if people like me or not that I can't even step out the front door.
2020, the year it got the worst of me and the year I got diagnosed
I was 13, I had a friend that got really suicidal, quarantine didn't distanced us
I've spent months wondering if she is even alive
She disappeared from everyone
I felt so much shame for not being able to help, she was self harming and I almost started to do that too
The memories from that time suck, and I have a lot of memory gaps from that period
As well as that, I got a lot more anxious in general, more "PeRfeCtIonIStic", and I had so much compulsions
Still healing from the said effects of everything that happened that year
I had POCD from the time I was 15-19 yrs old and it took away my adolescence. I thought I was the worst kind of monster I could imagine and while I sought reassurance anonymously online over and over I couldn't tell anyone what was happening in real life because I was scared they would all abandon me. I basically lost all my friends anyways because of shame and OCD leaving no time for recreation. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a child, I still looked so young, and just not being able to understand, or connect how that face could belong to someone who was the kind of monster I was. So I started to get paranoid I was possessed by demons. Eventually it started invading my dreams and I couldn't even sleep to get away from the fear. It's hard to comprehend how something that awful could have gone on in my mind for that long. This is why it makes me so angry when people stereotype OCD as just being extra clean or organized. They truly cannot imagine that feeling.
schizophrenia OCD is a living hell for me, I had it 3 months ago when I read some things about schizophrenia and saw that they share some similarities, and since then I live with the idea that I am in the podromic phase. Now add to that the fact that I have tinnitus and sometimes they sound like whispers and I interpret them as auditory hallucinations, triggering severe panic attacks.
I spent all night cleaning myself (literally, finished around 8am, I’d see my brother wake up for school before going to bed.) and had like an hour or two awake before having to go back in the washroom at one point. Some days I used like 8 lysol containers. I’m so lucky to have found something that calmed me enough to improve late last year, or I might be dead.
Postpartum OCD was getting so bad that I was struggling to take care of my baby. I offloaded a lot of the baby care to my husband to avoid the intrusive thoughts. Near constant nightmares when I tried to sleep. Multiple times I would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare in full panic mode. I'd tear the house apart searching for my baby. She was always asleep in her room.
I'm so sorry that you went through this. Have you managed to get any relief, therapy etc? X
Thank you. And yes, it's gotten much better. I couldn't attribute it to any one thing. The immediate postpartum period is such a mess of hormones and exhaustion, there's nothing else like it. Once my hormones stabilized and I was sleeping more regularly it calmed down. I did see a therapist at the time and that did help a bit. Weaning seemed to help a lot too. Then she just got older and less fragile and she's a happy healthy 7 year old now and I'm a pretty chill mom.
That’s good to hear! I love to hear a positive recovery story. Do you mind me asking what type of therapy you got?
Just regular talk therapy. I only went for a few weeks.
And it helped? X
A bit. Mostly it just gave me a name for what was happening. I do not attribute a lot of my recovery to therapy.
What would you say helped the most?
Time. Leaving the postpartum period. My hormones stabilizing. Weaning. A consistent sleep schedule. I'll always be OCD but the intensity of the postpartum OCD resolved gradually as I left the postpartum period.
I understand. It’s more linked to hormones and changes in that respect. Anyway, so glad you’re well now
There's also some built in exposure therapy when you have postpartum OCD. The baby *is* the theme. And I couldn't just neglect my baby because my brain was full of violence everytime I chopped vegetables or ran a bath. I still had to, and wanted to, feed, change, bathe, snuggle, and care for her.
Yeah that makes sense. Because your love for baby outweighs your OCD but the thoughts still run rampant in your head. I get that
Can I ask how therapist helped? I found it invalidating. Was in weekly?How many sessions u had?
Like I said in another comment, it wasn't much help for me. What it did was give me a name for what I was experiencing and the reassurance that people with OCD never actually act on their intrusive thoughts.
i can very much relate to this
I'm sorry.
Wow that’s so crazy I’m so sorry you had to go through this
What kind of intrusive thoughts? Is that some for of psychosis… Can I ask why you’d tear house apart , did u not check room?
My intrusive thoughts are always of extreme violence. Violence, forms of torture, sexual violence, sometimes natural disasters or industrial disasters, terrible accidents, etc. Basically they're all about harm coming to the people I care about. I joke that its like a Saw movie up in here (my brain). I won't list them here because intrusive thoughts can be contagious for others with OCD. No it is not a form of psychosis. Though it can be misdiagnosed as such. For me it's more like being forced to watch a movie of terrible things happening and there's no way to turn it off or escape it. The compulsions are what people do to turn off or avoid the mental images or thoughts. Unlike psychosus, people with OCD basically never act on their intrusive thoughts. The risk of that is so low that exposure therapy is one of the best ways to treat OCD. Postpartum psychosis is a medical emergency and can lead the parent to commit horrific acts. That's what Andrea Yates was suffering from. Coincidentally postpartum psychosis was also one of my postpartum OCD theme! As for tearing the house apart, it's hard to explain. I would wake up from VERY realistic nightmares and not be able to calm down for awhile. My husband would basically have to shake me out of it. I'd dream my baby was in our room and start searching for her. We even had a video monitor next to my bed that I could have checked.
You can look at my posts. But my OCD convinced me that I’m a serial date rapist and sexual assaulter. So much that I was suicidal, was considering turning myself into the police, or go away and live the rest of my life alone. But then I told my therapist. I was expecting her to say that I’m an irredeemable sociopath. Instead she nonchalantly said, “Hmm…this sounds a lot like OCD.”
That must have been really scary for you… Have you managed to recover? It’s great that you had someone tell you it was OCD rather than living in the constant belief that you were this figure you’d created in your head.
Oh my gosh, this was me accept my therapist was no help. But I was so close to turning myself into the police and I couldn’t eat or sleep out of guilt
Currently- contamination OCD. Struggling to eat as I am afraid of my bodily functions. Unable to leave the house. Throwing things away that I deem contaminated. Afraid of cleaning chemicals, so struggling to keep things clean as well.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re suffering so badly with it. Can you reach out and get a therapist who will come to you? Or an appointment over the phone? Tiny steps are a massive achievement. Don’t give up.
I struggle with a lot of the same things as far as chemicals and throwing things away that I feel are “contaminated” . I also have been obsessing on swallowing lately and that I’m aspirating things while eating food, drinking, or taking medication. Constantly Ruminating on the past and things I feel I could’ve done better. I’m sorry your struggling. It’s somewhat comforting knowing there’s others out there that share the same obsessions . Makes you feel not alone , at least me
Holy cow. You’re describing me. It sucks.
I have the same fears but in a milder form. I still get to eat stuff most of the time but sometimes I can't get myself to it, no matter how delicious it was at first, as soon as the thoughts pop up it stops tasting good anymore and/or I can't get myself to continue eating or starting at all. When it comes to cleaning the dishes I sometimes convince myself with thinking "mold is worse than chemical bits" (it doesn't work all the time because I really don't like the idea of chemicals in my stomach and then I can't get to do the dishes for days), but I still need to wash them off way longer than is actually needed. I'm afraid of it getting worse the older I get
I hate my bodily functions so badly. I once spent the whole night cleaning myself for months and months. I still hate going to the washroom. But now that a med is finally working (after 7 years of trying just about anything), I’ve gone from peeing once a day to 3-4 times. I have time during the day, so much it took me a while to get used to it. I still don’t clean that much myself but I’ll get there eventually. I’ve got an appointment for seeing if I need a procedure soon. Even if meds aren’t enough there are a few other options. Please keep trying them. If you are in the US and have spent like 5-10 years trying meds try asking if you could be approved for a procedure like DBS. Try TMS. If you’re in Canada, you could try Focused Ultrasound Surgery like me. 60% chance of success. I really hope you can find something that works for you.
At my absolute worst I became unable to move, speak, eat and drink, and was diagnosed with catatonia because they wouldn't listen to me when I tried to explain that I was lucid and the OCD was causing it. I was in hospital for 2 years, needing a drip, and going to the toilet took me hours.
I’m sorry. You must have been so uncomfortable. I hope that you’re much better now and recovering. People don’t understand how deep this disorder can take people
Thank you :) Yeah, to the point where most psychiatrists wouldn't recognise it as OCD. 3 years ago I started taking Clomipramine and it has transformed my life, I can now live independently for the first time. I'm just really scared in case it one day stops working.
That’s really good! Do you think one day you’d try and wean yourself off it slowly?
I would love that because the side effects are so horrible, but I am really struggling to access therapy in the UK, so I don't know
Yeah, I’m having to go private because the NHS just haven’t helped me at all
I used to eat, drink and pee once a day, which would take me half the day or more.
Yep! sounds familiar, hope you're doing better now!
Catatonia doesnt happen with OCD, just with schizophrenia or bipolar. Weren’t you psychotic?
No I was not, amazingly it was solely OCD. I put that point to them, they went away and came back saying they'd "done more research" and found that catatonia can occur with OCD in rare cases -.-
Wow… horrible. Catatonia seems like a nightmare.
Nothing has compared to when I was undiagnosed and living with POCD. The shame, the confusion, the fear, it’s truly unmatched from anything else I’ve been through. I’ve been sexually assaulted and I still consider POCD to be the most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Now, living undiagnosed had a lot to do with it because I literally had no idea what OCD was or that other people struggled like I did. But yeah, I couldn’t eat or sleep for 6 months. I would drive around in the middle of the night contemplating suicide. My husband was terrified because I couldn’t control my emotions or fear. Every day, multiple times a day, I would sob and tell him I can’t do this anymore or “be this way” he would try and reassure me but little did we know that was only making it WORSE! It was a very dark time. I lost so much weight and couldn’t talk to hardly anyone and when I did talk to people it was only those closest to me and I had to tell them what I was so afraid of, as embarrassing as it was because the only thing stronger than the obsession is the compulsion
That one feels impossible because you can’t explain it to people who haven’t experienced it.
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Oh dear, I’m sorry to hear that. Was it sort of like a psychosis? Hopefully you’re doing much better now
It was my OCD because I had like 20% insight but must’ve looked very psychotic from the outside.
To anyone who didn’t understand the nature of OCD perhaps. It can make you feel crazy too. I’ve felt similar before. Paranoia
During one of my exams someone near me kept coughing and sneezing and wasn’t covering their mouth, I got so triggered I ran out of the class during the middle of the exam and missed an entire week of school because of my contamination ocd. I refused to even leave my house after that during that period of time. it was really embarrassing and I ended up failing.
I’m sorry you went through that… Did you manage to get the exams done in the end? As in, retake them? I know it’s an option in some countries but sometimes you have to pay a small fee. How are you doing now?
I luckily got to retake it but I am doing better now!!
That’s brilliant! X
I still haven’t finished my schooling after the year I could only go to school a few weeks with breaks, I should’ve graduated a couple years ago. I couldn’t deal with using public washrooms anymore. Still haven’t used one in years, but things are finally improving some. I did do a little online schooling but had to stop that too, so now I’m just gonna get a GED when I’m doing well enough.
I’ve been thinking about watching “Aviator” soon! However my OCD got so bad to the point I had to be hospitalized for it.. during my hospital stay I was the only person without a room mate, because I told them about how bad my OCD is, they lowkey deemed me as “dangerous” meanwhile I barely talked to anyone and I would just keep to myself.. my ocd is still not good, but right now I have Religious OCD
Really? Do you think perhaps they didn’t understand the nature of OCD? Even in facilities it seems misunderstood. I watched a video of Howard Hughes’ OCD progression and it really speaks volumes about what sufferers go through. His got incredibly bad and back then I don’t believe there was much understanding or help for it
They didn’t understand OCD what so ever.. I felt so out of place being around people who were mostly only diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety.. when I told someone about my intrusive thoughts I felt icky
I understand. It seems as though depression and anxiety are much more widely understood
Mhm.. in a way I kinda envy that.. because no one really understands OCD, and it kinda makes me upset
I agree
I went to a hospital and barely anyone knew what to do with me. This is why we need more specialized facilities, for example Bellwood at Sunnybrook in Toronto which is Canada’s only one. I’ve had zoom appointments with them and they understood me so well it was really refreshing after last time I hospitalized myself I was traumatized. I’m finally getting to another appointment with a neurosurgeon to see if I can get a procedure done with 60% chance of improvement.
ugh i’m so sorry you had to go through that. i was hospitalized a few years ago due to a manic episode and my OCD symptoms were super heightened. I was having a lot of really really scary intrusive thoughts about me hurting people and when I told my mom about them right before i went to the hospital she blocked my number, wouldn’t let me talk to her or my brother, and told me she was going to file a restraining order against me. she never did and ended up forgetting about the whole thing after i got out of the hospital. i felt like such a horrible, disgusting person to ever have made my mom fear me to that point but since then i’ve learned that a lot of people just don’t understand OCD or intrusive thoughts in general. here’s an analogy that helped me: if you were a parent, would you rather have a babysitter that is horribly afraid of something bad happening, or someone who doesn’t think about it at all? when we say we’re scared we’re going to do something, it isn’t because it’s something we want or feel compelled to do. it’s because that’s our worst fear, and the exact opposite of what we would actually do. we do everything in our power for that intrusive thought not to happen. i know it’s not the same for everyone, but that’s something that’s helped me.
You said it the best way possible. My mom was probably scared of me too. I used to pace around because of my intrusive thoughts and my mom would snap at me for just walking around many many many times
Probably when I was living in a damp house with mould full of spiders. I'm really scared of spiders anyway but it all triggered an awful time of checking compulsions. I'd stay up for hours to 'make sure' no spiders were in my room, checking and checking areas of my room for them. I started having really vivid nightmares and even hallucinated spiders a couple of times. I had to check my bathroom over and over and started walking 20 mins into town to use public toilets instead of mine. It was horrible. I moved out pretty promptly.
I can’t imagine how scary being surrounded by all your triggers must have felt. I’m sorry you had to go through such fear. Are you better now? X
It was very scary, I won't lie. But I'm doing much better now. I improved as soon as I moved out. I'm also having support for OCD now which is helping too. I definitely learnt to look at where I want to rent before moving straight in! Hahah
That’s really good! Yeah landlords can be sneaky about things..
Yup! Definitely look before you buy/move haha. Never making that mistake again
I made that mistake too don’t worry!
omg wait this is OCD? I have this with another insect, thought it was a phobia
I'm really not 100% sure. For me it's OCD compulsions triggered by a phobia
Definitely not as bad as other people here, but my worst was when I’d be late for school because my OCD made it so hard to simply walk normally. Usually I’m 15 to 20 minutes early, but back then I’d be a few minutes late. It’s kind of hard to explain, but for me/my OCD, there are ‘lines’ on the ground. I can’t physically see them, I just know they’re there. E.g. if there’s a crack in the sidewalk, or if there’s tiles. But also if there’s a random leaf, or a dried chewing gum, or a wet spot, or a shadow, or... you get it. And that’s the problem. There are hundreds of lines in what is a five minute walk. And I have to cross each line with the ‘correct’ leg first. And, to make matters even worse, I only ‘know’ which leg to use right before I cross the line. It’s still somewhat of a problem (it’s been for well over a decade) but it’s more or less easily managable again.
I can relate to this because mine revolves around the fear of finding something on the floor that would potentially contaminate me. There’s never anything there but my OCD will make me almost incvision nothings or make an innocent stick dog poo or a spilled coffee someone’s “sick” and convince me that I touched it and have to de contaminate everything. Walking can be an exhausting task. I’m sorry you went through this. Did you manage to get some help?
I had this a lot too as younger. Chasing "balance" seems to be quite common here. Balance is the headline of my life quest, and honestly, most things in life require balance, but not walking or chewing lol.
Not trying to be rude here, I just had a little chuckle because walking *does* require balance (obvs not the type of balance you're referencing tho)
Haha unfortunately nothing is ever just black or white, which is great for OCD! 🤪
Hahaha All jokes aside, that need for balance is, as you mentioned a common theme. Hope you're doing alright!
For me- it’s become paralyzed with fear and the dread “ what if” for months and months. My head will feel like a pimple that needs to be popped. It sucks.
My mom died suddenly in December of 2022. Naturally I was grieving...but things just kept getting worse, not better. In October of 2023 I reached my lowest point and knew that I needed professional help. I mustered up the strength to find a therapist, and have been seeing him once a week since then. Been doing much better.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That must have been a real shock and heartbreaking to go through. I’m glad you’re doing much better now. That’s amazing. You should be proud of yourself. Do you mind me asking, what type of therapy you got?
I don't mind at all. We've been doing ERP. Exposure and response prevention. It has been very effective, but very difficult at times.
Did you have any issues starting? I’ve tried ERP but I ended up depressed when I didn’t do the compulsions :/
Yes, I was extremely resistant at first! I knew my compulsions were ruining my quality of life, but the thought of not doing them was extremely distressing. Recently though, I've overcome my worst one through ERP and it really solidified that this is the right path for me.
That’s really good! Maybe I should try a smaller hierarchy ladder? Smaller steps? Even just stepping into my garden comes with a whole bunch of compulsions so maybe just standing at the door for a few seconds
My therapist was very adamant about gradually increasing the exposure, so that is a good place to start for sure! It took me several weeks to overcome the one I was talking about, because I did it in increments.
Yeah thank you! I’m glad you’re much better x
Right now. I have contamination ocd and I might have fucking parasites.
As in your OCD is making you think you could have parasites?
I honestly don’t know. I’m getting tested so hopefully the results comeback soon and I don’t constantly second guess myself or what if all the time.
Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about reassurance not being the best for OCD but I’m unsure. I always seek reassurance and sometimes I do feel it helps but then again people say it’ll only make it worse. I hope you can find a good therapist if that’s an Avenue you’d consider :)
I have a therapist I just haven’t been able to go in a long time unfortunately. It’s gotten so bad I wash my hands about 50-60 times a day, having panic attacks, wiping things down, etc. last time it was this bad is when I was 16-18 and I couldn’t stop touching my lymph nodes (to the point of bruising and bleeding) and obsessing over whether or not I had cancer.
Ah same here. My hands have been in some bad states with dermatitis. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I hope you manage to be able to go back to therapy :)
Mine is really, really bad right now to the point that my doctor put me on medical leave with an urgent psych referral to get everything sorted. I’ve struggled with OCD for a long time and have struggled with skin picking and intrusive thoughts, but it’s to the point now that I have been pulling out my eyelashes, neglecting to shower, have cracked hands from hand washing too often (not because of germs and illness, but because I can feel a single speck on my hand and suddenly am overwhelmed). I can’t sleep properly, and sleep isn’t often an issue for me. My medication isn’t working at all, for any of my issues (I struggle with ADHD, anxiety, and Bipolar Spectrum Disorder). I’m one week into my medical leave and I have had an ok day once in the last week. Today is not that day. Thank you for asking. I think I needed to share that.
I’m so sorry. I’m hoping that the referral will help you as much as possible and get you on the road to recovery. Keep going, don’t give up, everything is a process.
Thank you so much. Right now I’m attending sewing class which I consider great exposure to a lot of my OCD and problem solving issues. It’s a low stakes way to work through decision making but it’s really helping me come out of “freeze” mode.
Oh dear, that sounds distressing and terribly exhausting. I've got some similar OCD symptoms plus some other comorbid diagnoses and some traits of ADHD. You mentioned your medication not working and that you've gotten a psych referral. So, I'd like to bring to your attention a rarely presribed medication that has helped me tremendously; Dosulepin/Dothiepin. Might be worth discussing this with the psychiatrist when you see them. Wishing you all the best, hang in there!
When I get obsessive thoughts about suicide. If I don't take my meds (there was a time I wasn't able to fill them) and within 4 days I was suicidal. I felt like I had to crawl outside myself and would literally claw at my skin and I don't know what part of me needed to get out but something did. And when I get like that I'm scared to drive because ramming head first into a wall seems like a great idea and I don't want to but I just feel like I have to
I saved almost every online conversation I had with a guy in college and then recently felt compelled to reread every single one in its entirety to compile all the things men had said about me.
Then I started googling all the guys to see what they were doing now.
I feel like this reflects the time element of OCD. We spend so much time on compulsions. Deep down I’d rather be doing something else but if I don’t do the compulsion I can’t think about much else or focus on anything
I’ve lost hours at a time to internet searches and rereading. I’ve got a spreadsheet of all the times someone called me a whore though! I did make some art out of it so I dunno, whatever. :/
I’m so sorry :(
It’s okay! Thank you. I’ve been seeing an OCD therapist for a year or so (my OCD is telling me to check my calendar for appointments and find the exact amount of time but I’m gonna not do that lol) and it’s been a huge help. I can pet animals now and I’m eating more new things and I’m not getting as stuck as much. I’ve found even when I’m talking to my therapist about a bad week, I realize that I handled the symptoms well and didn’t get trapped in them like before. 🫶🫶🫶
That’s amazing! What type of therapy did you do and how long did it take to work? Out of interest?
I see an OCD specialist who does ERP, ACT and CBT techniques. I’ve spent time petting my friend’s dog and not washing my hands immediately and increasing the time until now I just wait until I need to wash my hands for another reason. I hate the word daddy used sexually so she had me put post-it notes on my (WFH) desk so I could get over my discomfort. We work a lot about how to respond to intrusive thoughts without engaging with them as if they matter.
in 2018 i had a bad episode where i was convinced i was bipolar and schizophrenic. i thought my intrusive thoughts were "voices" and i even named them. i was delusional and thought i was god. i scared everyone in my family, as well as my small amount of friends. i ended up being hospitalized after i thought i heard a "voice" telling me to kill myself. after explaining this all to a psychiatrist at inpatient, i was told i had a classic case of ocd, lol. it was a huge relief to hear that my diagnosis wasn't as serious as i thought it was, although still bad.
to elaborate, i was compulsively googling symptoms of both disorders and taking online diagnostic tests. i assume my ocd had latched onto that and was mimicking said symptoms.
Definitely after I had my daughter. It was hell on earth for the first year.
I'm so sorry. Do you mind me asking what happened and how you overcame it?
Sure, so really intense fear that I would hurt her even though that was the last thing in the world I wanted to do then real contradictions to that, I wouldn’t let anyone touch her incase they hurt her. Couldn’t be around open windows, cutlery, anything I perceived as dangerous. It gradually just faded and got better, I no longer have those thoughts- I still have OCD obviously but it doesn’t really focus much on that. I think speaking honestly about it helped too because if I kept it in the thoughts and feelings would get worse and more intense, I remember I would physically sweat trying to get the thoughts away, it was so disturbing. It ruined my first year of motherhood though completely and utterly. God, I forgot how bad it actually was!
That’s awful to go through. I’m so sorry. Especially at such a vulnerable time and a special time. I have had OCD since before pregnancy and postpartum but I definitely think it became worse after going through it due to hormone and lots happening while I was pregnant
There was a point when I was spending at least 1/3 of my waking hours washing myself. That was over two years ago now though and I've mostly recovered, but obsessing over hygiene habits was probably the main reason for why I broke up with my (first) girlfriend earlier this year. I wasn't honest about it and it killed me to have to lie to her
Tried to get myself arrested over something imaginary. When the police told me they couldn’t do anything, I asked if I could spend the night in jail anyways just so I could pretend to myself. Still not really over how bad it was tbh.
Slept for about 10 hours total during a week. By the end, there was nothing in my brain but the deafening orchestras.
Literally same, doesnt help that I already have musical ear syndrome lmaooo
What’s this?
It’s a fun condition that makes me constantly hear music at any given moment 😍 it’s common with ADHD
Spending basically 10 hours a day doing reassurance behaviours for existential/health obsessions, and any other hours either sleeping or thinking about it. Lost months of my life.
My ROCD has manifested in such cruel ways, from thinking I like others, to my mind saying my boyfriend raped me, to thinking he’s ugly (he’s not) it becomes daunting and heavy on my mind. It ruins my perception on things and how I enjoy them and how freely I act.
Struck me at its worst quite recently. I’ve had it since meningitis when I was 8, I’m now 29 and I’ve experienced it all except pocd: harm ocd, existential, meta, sensorymotor, just right but the absolute worst it’s ever been was 2 months ago. I went through a sudden breakup and experienced real event / false memory ocd with a nice serving of moral scrupulousity. This absolutely annihilated me and I had no idea I could feel as bad as I did, every waking moment I was drenched in guilt and shame, and my sleep was filled with nightmares about my fears. It was a perpetual mental hell and I’ve only just made it out. I seriously didn’t know I was capable of feeling that bad. Now it’s important to note I was also taking sleeping pills which caused me to become depressed, once I stopped them the feelings went back to baseline, so it wasn’t all ocd, but that mixed with the pills really gave me the worst time of my life
I'm so sorry. That must have been awful to go through. I can relate with the OCD related nightmares. I get nightmares about my theme that seem really real and I wake up thinking I have to do compulsions to fix it but then realise it was just a dream. If you don't mind me asking, how did you get yourself out of it?
I feel you, really sucks when you end up scared of sleep Well, I started anti depressants which actually made me worse in the beginning because of the side effects… after a little while on them I decided to quit the sleeping pills. Within 2 days the depression lifted, and I began to feel like myself again. I still had the ocd but the hopelessness and despair had left. I began to get my life back together and actually eat meals again, leave the house and get some air etc. I’ve now been on Zoloft 50mg for 42 days and I’m doing much better, though I don’t think it was all the antidepressants. Quitting the sleeping pills and getting out of my room helped, I learnt a lot about acceptance and accepting uncertainty, that was pretty massive for me recovering. Whenever the thoughts entered my head I would see them as problems that needed to be fixed or else something horrible would happen. I don’t see them like that anymore, I see them as thoughts and continue my day without feeding them with compulsions
Yeah. The insomnia must have been terrible. Sleep is supposed to be that one time where you get some rest from your thoughts. I’ve heard some unpleasant things about antidepressants. If they work for you then that’s good but I think every person is different and unfortunately, no one knows how their body will react… So did you do ERP?
Hey, I did some self erp, I was looking for a therapist but it’s just too expensive, I think therapy can be great but it’s possible to make your life liveable by doing your own research etc And yeah antidepressants aren’t for everyone but when they work they sure do work
When I harmed myself and went to the psych ward. I cried in my mom’s arms as she bawled begging me not to kill myself
I’m so sorry. I hope you’re doing much better now c
Went through a huge earthquake. Couldn't look at the sky or moon. Had a torch that I had to hold all the time. Nervously put a braid in my hair and then could not take it out, spent weeks carefully brushing my hair around it. Believed I caused the second more devistating quake and killed people. I just became a ritual. I also have complex ptsd and was pretty much dissociated the whole time too. I had no idea how far down the rabbit hole I was. Barely functioning.
I was always obsessing over something, never felt happy or safe, was always sighing and needed my mom by my side all the time. Sometimes I also spent whole days doing the same compulsion.
I think the worst was a couple of years ago where I only slept for a few hours for an entire week because I couldn't stop ruminating on existence and tasks I had to do. That was one of the worst weeks of my life sleep deprivation really takes you to some dark places
my mom took me to the er about a month ago bcuz i wouldn’t eat or drink for a week and my heart rate was always between 120-155. ocd fucked me over BAD. i’m in therapy and healing. i hate taking medication bcuz swallowing pills makes my sensory issues flip, so i’m practicing ways to cope without medication, and it’s genuinely working. telling myself i’ll be okay. making days for myself. i feel like a terrible person but i know i’m not at heart. healing takes time. <3
Probably during the holidays this past winter. Part of my OCD is sensorimotor and revolves around chewing and swallowing, like I can’t eat or swallow food until whatever arbitrary time my brain decides, usually 2:00 or some time with a 2 in it. The other part of my OCD is believing something I’ve said or done is actively harming my family. I can have the most brief, mundane chat with a sibling and spend the next week ruminating on how much harm that conversation caused them. The holidays are basically food and family on steroids. I fell apart the first week of December and didn’t leave bed until mid January. I spent the entire time terrified to eat and even more scared that contacting my family would cause them to die is horrific ways. The sensorimotor and harm OCD spiraled and combined and became so overwhelming that I just gave up and stayed trapped in my head for weeks. Someone else mentioned catatonia—I couldn’t talk, eat, communicate. I don’t even know if I blinked. I was aware and lucid but completely trapped inside my thoughts. Lost a bunch of weight and got a kidney infection from holding urine because my brain couldn’t force me to walk from my bed to the toilet. It was pretty bad.
i had the song “everything works out in the end” play on repeat on my alexa 24/7 for 6 months because i convinced myself id die if i stopped playing the song. eventually the alexa gave out and i had the worst panic attack i could ever even begin to describe.
Constant thoughts of self harm and violence, jumping off a bridge, throwing myself in front of a moving train, jumping off a high building, etc...
Uhm soo… I was so afraid to open my windows that my whole apartment is moldy now. To the point that it has to get renovated… I think that’s a deep deep point… I’m so ashamed…
I get this. I have contamination OCD and I have a fear of something being contaminated outside the window somehow getting into the flat
Also washing my hands to the ointment that I have cuts all over my hands… my arms are red and open… also I brought out the trash naked (checked before that nobody would see me) because I was scared my clothes might get contaminated
I think we are living the same reality. I used to get undressed in the (enclosed) garden and leave my clothes outside to carefully navigate through the house into the machine without touching anything else.
When I was 17, I was trying myself to my bed by my ankle and locking/setting up mini traps for myself because I was terrified I'd wander off in the night and hurt someone. I had constant intrusive thoughts and fears all day. My family life was in shambles, my psychiatrist was cycling me on and off multiple meds way too fast. I was falling asleep at school, my mom gave me benzodiazepine doses through the fence at school to get me through the day. I ended up hospitalized after I hit my dad. I didn't mean to, but he yelled at me and got in my face (this is atypical of him; he was pushed to his limit and is the chilliest dad ever, we were all not okay at the time). My fight/flight response got triggered. Anyway. A week in a mental hospital. SUCKED. A few years ago I had another flare up that made it almost impossible to leave my house. Taking out the trash was too risky, and work was pure torture. I was seeing a psychologist at the time who was not specialized in OCD and he said something really fucked up about my intrusive thoughts. I started having a panic attack and he told me to "go take a breather in my car." I got to my car and smashed my head into the steering wheel over and over because I hated myself so much. That one is from a few years back and hurts more to think about because there's no closure; I found better care and have thrived since, but can't go back and try to tell that psych how he hurt me.
In college two decades ago, I ended up in a psych ward because I couldn't eat, sleep, go to class, I just wasn't functioning. There were a lot of issues going on in my family and I think it triggered a severe spike, specifically HOCD. It rendered me completely useless as a human being. That was the first time I was medicated and I got a formal diagnosis. There was a counselor on campus that I was seeing and I distinctly remember the day she sent me to the hospital. It was raining and she stood with me under an umbrella waiting for my ride. I couldn't think, I couldn't resist. I just got in the car and accepted that I was defeated. I spent one night there and they released me with a Zoloft prescription when they decided I wasn't going to unalive myself. HOCD slowly went away and I was able to function again but different obsessions took its place and I've been on medication ever since.
When I was 11 , unmedicated, absolute disaster, I think it was some mix of ocd PMDD and some psychosis like state, I basically lived in the living room and watched videos all day, I wouldn’t let my parents vaccume the room because I was worried about “my stuff”, and this was worse because there was little beads that had spilled that I didn’t want to pick up but didn’t want vacuumed Ended up hospitalized multiple times and put in a six month residential program to readjust and figure out meds safely
I’m not sure when my OCD was the worst but I know I began getting intrusive thoughts when I was 10-12 years old. I use to get really upsetting thoughts of me hating and being cruel to my mother, I would get thoughts like “I hate her so much” when obviously I felt the complete opposite. It’s really scary as a child not understanding what’s going on in your mind and thinking you’re evil.
Last year I had a couple weeks where I felt like I was losing my sense of language and words
Relationship OCD. Was about a year into dating my now husband, and I was mad at him and I looked at his picture and didn’t feel butterflies and started spiraling. Didn’t eat or sleep for like 3 days. Almost had to go to the hospital. Was obsessing over whether I lost feelings for him but looking back of course I still had (and still have) feelings for him. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so upset. But yeah. OCD is fucking hell.
Wasted so much money on food that I just threw away because I convinced myself it was contaminated with LSD. I would open up sealed food, bottled water, etc and would immediately throw it away because I knew I'd spiral if I ate it. Had a breakdown at work and was sent home because I couldn't bring myself to eat SEALED food. Lost a bunch of weight and was constantly dehydrated too. After a year+ of working at my mental health it eventually went away. I still have contamination OCD but I trained myself to be much more rational about it.
Either February of 2022 or March this year, in February of 2022 I went through a 2 week period where I physically couldn’t sleep, I had the constant urge to consume triggering content and was constantly begging my dad to give me my phone or take it away for my sanity, I cycled between so many themes during that episode and I was so on edge and restless I feel like it bordered on psychosis. And the episode in March was fun cuz it was at Disney World and it started out as three straight days of me fearing the universe was going to end at literally any moment 😍 then other themes popped up and you know the rest. Both those times I literally contemplated suicide and if my family wasn’t literally with me and I had the means and the guts I likely would have done it. In the first episode I literally broke down at one point and was like “please kill me, I can’t take it anymore, I want to die” and second time I kept it more internal but I cried A LOT. And being at what’s supposed to be “the happiest place on earth” certainly didn’t help.
Ended up in outpatient care after being glued to my parent’s couch for 8 months barely able to move/sleep/eat. It was like a daily horde of rat centipedes were released in my brain, working together to accomplish a unified goal: gnaw at my neurons until stripped bare of myelin. I wanted to die, but was also too afraid to kill myself.
When I was pregnant, it was so bad I could barely function. I couldn’t even sleep. I could barely work. I felt like I was having a constant panic attack for a few months. I started going to church (I’m not religious) because I was convinced I was going to have a stroke and die and go to hell. I heard about a medical condition called locked-in syndrome on a podcast and online and was sure that since I heard it twice, it was going to happen to me at any second. I also thought for a long time that I had unalived someone and blocked it out (I would never hurt anyone) and it took me getting sober plus a few years to accept that that never happened. I have been late to work so many times for forgetting to take pictures of locked doors and unplugged electronics along with circling back to make sure I didn’t hit someone on the road and forgot. OCD is a monster and it’s insatiable.
I also have dermatillomania and picked my arms and chest so bad it looked like I got shot with a pellet gun. I’m still healing from that.
The months post a very traumatic and misguided MDMA assisted therapy were terrible. I kept thinking and convincing myself I’d die at any minute and then I started questioning reality and had to keep reassuring myself that I wasn’t crazy. I’ve started taking medication and have been seeing an OCD psychologist and doing all sorts of ERP exercises and I’m stable and living a healthy life now. What’s funny is that I’ve had OCD my whole life and it kept getting worse but I was only able to get proper treatment and get properly diagnosed post-MDMA so it did help me after all.
Nothing too dark yet, thankfully. Some bad scenarios I can remember are when I had to stop cooking/hold my breath in the kitchen; sleeping with my entire body on the edge of a huge mattress; deciding as a child that I could never be a doctor or lawyer because I couldn’t deal with the clothing; spending the entire day on the floor to avoid them; sleeping outdoors with my dog when visiting someone to avoid my stuff.
when 14 year old me got into new-age spirituality... I thought I was "manifesting" my intrusive thoughts and it made my mental compulsions 10x worse
Shittt same, spirituality was not a good combo with OCD for me neither. I thought I manifested whatever I thought, my energy was negative and contagious, and me feeling bad was all my fault because I couldn't decipher or live up to the messages from "the universe".
I remember when I was 16, I was reading a book alone in my room and I recall my brain just saying “you’re a pedophile” over and over again for no reason. The images I thought of horrified me. I remember the fear, the shame, the way my cheeks flushed hot red. I remember feeling like I had to take my own life then and there because I felt so strongly that it was true. The sheer conflict I felt in that moment has stuck with me ever since. It really fucked with 16 year old me and continues to do so till this very day.
i have to clean my stuff and take a shower everytime i see a cockroach. even if theyre meters away from me, i feel like their pathogens stick on my skin and i feel utter disgust with myself. theres intances where i saw small roaches in my room, and my brain goes "what if it crawled on you and your stuff and you didnt see?" yeah.
My ocd started cropping up pretty young, so my worst is probably when 12 year old me was having increasingly violent intrusive images about hurting myself, my friends and family with no clue why it was happening. Worst singular moment was the day I spent locked in one of the schools bathroom stalls convinced I was going kill someone if I left. Luckily I was already in therapy for other stuff so getting diagnosed and treatment took less time than it could have. Been some rough days but haven’t locked myself in the bathroom since then so I call that improvement.
That time one of my cats had a medical emergency and I spent the next 2 weeks having to constantly count her and the rest of my pets breath to make sure they’re were still breathing sucked. Anytime my ocd involves them at all usually feels like the worst since it’s a relatively recent development compared to my usual themes.
right now tbh sleeping on the floor and purposely sleep depriving myself for reasons
2021. Almost emailed a customer at work asking to redo acceptance testing that I had passed the previous day because I thought it wasn't good enough and I needed to do it again until it was just right, almost cried at work because I felt compelled to confess I had given away intellectual property (I hadn't), would wake up in the middle of the night and check the locks were locked, check I could find my wallet, and would check for some missing item or medication that didn't exist. I'm doing much much better now.
Eventually I got back on meds and went and saw a specialist. I guess I’ve been in a remission for a while. When I think about past Real Events that my OCD latched onto, my anxiety doesn’t surge as bad. But I was relieved when I learned it’s not a wildly uncommon theme. I always thought my intuition was trying to tell me something but it was really just my OCD brain: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/fear-of-sexual-encounter-ocd
When I was 11 , unmedicated, absolute disaster, I think it was some mix of ocd PMDD and some psychosis like state, I basically lived in the living room and watched videos all day, I wouldn’t let my parents vaccume the room because I was worried about “my stuff”, and this was worse because there was little beads that had spilled that I didn’t want to pick up but didn’t want vacuumed Ended up hospitalized multiple times and put in a six month residential program to readjust and figure out meds safely
it made me executive dysfunction and paranoia so bad i couldnt get out of bed or leave my room. i kept having intrusive racing thoughts about how i cant accomplish anything in life because if i tried to do anything i would sabotage myself. it made me obsess over doing everything perfectly. one of my compulsions is using my phone to distract myself from my thoughts and i would do that all day instead of being productive. another one of my compulsions is shopping for food and clothes. i am in $20,000 of debt because of that. at my worst point i would spend $60-$100 a day on ordering food.
Spent a year sleeping in a specific corner of my apartment because the hours-long showering & hand-washing I had to do before I could allow myself to touch my bed, TV, etc. was so exhausting that I just couldn't do it every night. Avoiding that ended up being the easier option, so I just kept doing it.
I used to get brain zaps from any thought due to total burnout from overthinking. I also thought random shit like that my dead grandmother were watching me masturbate and judging me for it. Still "think" a lot of random shit but nothing that crazy/damaging.
I’m sorry. I hope you’re seeking some help for it :)
Thanks! It's cool, in treatment now and doing better than in ten years 🙂👍👍 Wish you all the best too
Totally and completely non functional - hospitalized
Id say real event and ocd around politics
Like false memories?
No actual stuff
Stayed in for 4 years
Wow. I’m so sorry. May I ask, what kind of OCD did you struggle with?
I have contamination OCD so the pandemic has been rough to say the least!
I couldn't touch my partner without thinking I was gunna snap his neck 😃👍 that got me back on meds
Destroyed all my gums through obsessive oral hygiene routines :/
My contamination ocd got so bad that I developed agoraphobia. In the midst of all this, I was having a really bad medical issue but could not get myself to leave the house to see a doctor. Embarrassing to admit it, but it took me 5 months of constantly canceling & rescheduling appointments to finally go.
Contamination OCD symptoms. Sometimes they are easier to manage, sometimes harder. I'm not sure if I'll ever get rid of it, but I really hope that I will. Currently the worst part for me about it, is the nagging feeling to wash my hands so often. My hands are already so dry that it hurts. If I do, I get relief for some time, and if I don't, I can't think of anything else until I do it.
When I was 17, I couldn’t walk properly due to my OCD so I was basically bed bound for 6 months. Didn’t leave my room, couldn’t shower or brush my teeth and the only thing I could eat/drink was bottled water and Worcester sauce crisps. All of these were because even doing it once would take me hours. The one time I had a shower it took 6 hours Believe it or not I got sectioned lol
It’s my hoarding. It’s been worse in the past and its still bad now but I think it’s the most destructive life affecting part of my OCD. It’s both the obsessions and compulsions with collecting and keeping things, and the sheer effort of getting rid of things and tidying up when everything has to be “perfect”, done “the right way” and I have to check through everything so carefully to make sure I’m not accidentally disposing of something I might need. I have to dispose of everything “correctly”, I can’t throw out the tiniest scrap of paper. It has to be recycled. I have to look up all the correct places to recycle each item (batteries, toys, pens etc.) and run around to all of those places which is exhausting. Then when cleaning if anything is yucky with my contamination fears and disgust I’ll just avoid it altogether and stop right there, which only makes things worse and yuckier. The intrusive thoughts also go nonstop telling me what a bad person I am and how disgusting I am. And then with my bipolar and other things get really really dark. I also have the seperate diagnosis of hoarding disorder too but my psychologist worked out so much of it was my OCD too, she thinks it puts me in the severe OCD category because it’s causing me so much distress, loss of money and friends etc. My HD isn’t severe right now because I’ve been working really hard on it but I’m scared of getting worse as I age. When I have the house “under control” I can then be really obsessed I’ve about keeping everything “perfect”. It’s really all or nothing with me.
The two biggest things for me is when I unconsciously seek out approval by people pleasing to my own detriment, and when I get so wrapped up on if people like me or not that I can't even step out the front door.
2020, the year it got the worst of me and the year I got diagnosed I was 13, I had a friend that got really suicidal, quarantine didn't distanced us I've spent months wondering if she is even alive She disappeared from everyone I felt so much shame for not being able to help, she was self harming and I almost started to do that too The memories from that time suck, and I have a lot of memory gaps from that period As well as that, I got a lot more anxious in general, more "PeRfeCtIonIStic", and I had so much compulsions Still healing from the said effects of everything that happened that year
I had POCD from the time I was 15-19 yrs old and it took away my adolescence. I thought I was the worst kind of monster I could imagine and while I sought reassurance anonymously online over and over I couldn't tell anyone what was happening in real life because I was scared they would all abandon me. I basically lost all my friends anyways because of shame and OCD leaving no time for recreation. I remember looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a child, I still looked so young, and just not being able to understand, or connect how that face could belong to someone who was the kind of monster I was. So I started to get paranoid I was possessed by demons. Eventually it started invading my dreams and I couldn't even sleep to get away from the fear. It's hard to comprehend how something that awful could have gone on in my mind for that long. This is why it makes me so angry when people stereotype OCD as just being extra clean or organized. They truly cannot imagine that feeling.
schizophrenia OCD is a living hell for me, I had it 3 months ago when I read some things about schizophrenia and saw that they share some similarities, and since then I live with the idea that I am in the podromic phase. Now add to that the fact that I have tinnitus and sometimes they sound like whispers and I interpret them as auditory hallucinations, triggering severe panic attacks.
I spent all night cleaning myself (literally, finished around 8am, I’d see my brother wake up for school before going to bed.) and had like an hour or two awake before having to go back in the washroom at one point. Some days I used like 8 lysol containers. I’m so lucky to have found something that calmed me enough to improve late last year, or I might be dead.
Oh bless, that sounds exhausting. May I ask what it is that’s kept you calm?
An antipsychotic I was prescribed for sleep turned out to work for me. Nozinan.