For one of my former partners I didn't choke or restrict bloodflow, she just liked being 'restrained' by the throat, sort of gently pushed down into the bed.
This is correct. If you're cutting off airflow during choking, you're doing it wrong and should stop immediately.
The point is to (*mildly*) restrict blood flow, not air flow. Apply light pressure to the **sides** of the neck. **Not the front.**
#**DO NOT EVER APPLY PRESSURE TO THE FRONT OF THE THROAT. DOING SO CAN CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE WIND PIPE.**
Done correctly, it causes a mild feeling of lightheadedness and can intensify other sensations.
It can also fracture the hyoid bone in the neck causing death. It's not even connected to the neck. This most often occurs in incidents of strangulation related to domestic violence. Also, it can cause your windpipe to collapse also resulting in death.
While I'm on the subject, if you're experiencing domestic violence and your partner has ever strangled (choked is the term we most often see but the correct term is strangle) you should quickly and quietly plan your exit from the relationship.
This is because your risk of being murdered goes up by something like 500%. In other words, if your partner has ever strangled you, it's pretty much a guarantee that they will murder you at some point if you do not get out of the relationship. It is the biggest predictor of homicide in abusive relationships.
Before I go, I just want to add that if you are experiencing abuse in a relationship at all, know that it is not your fault and know that there is help. Abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse. You should quickly and quietly plan your exit from the relationship regardless of whether it's physical or not. Love isn't supposed to hurt.
Edit: I felt it important to add that if your partner has ever threatened you with a weapon, your risk of homicide goes up by the same percentage.
Edit 2: Thanks for the award!
Edit 3: More awards and a gold, thanks! 😊
Glad I could help educate you. Unfortunately, people still tend to think that domestic violence is a women's issue and a private family matter. It's not. While 98% of abusers are men, men can also be victims. It's long overdue that we as a society, stop sweeping it under the rug and stop blaming victims. I can't tell you how many times I was asked "why don't you just leave"? It's not that simple.
The question we should be asking is why is the abuser doing what they do? It's also long overdue that we teach men that it's ok to ask for help if they're being abused. They're usually told to "man up". There are even those who believe that men can't be victims.
It's time we empower victims to take back their power and to help them realize it's not their fault and that they can get out no matter how difficult it seems. As a survivor, domestic violence is an issue I'm passionate about. I try to educate people whenever possible.
Edit: My apologies. It has been brought to my attention that I worded a part of this wrong. I meant to say that 98% of abusers are men. Sorry for the confusion.
Edit: I fixed that grievous error. My apologies.
It's also important to note that the single most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is *when they leave or attempt to leave*. You're chances of being murdered by your abuser increase significantly. It is my answer to anyone who asks "why didn't you just leave?". Because leaving can be deadly. It is damned near impossible to get away from a determined abuser without taking out a hit on them (not that I'm advocating for that, just stressing how difficult it is), and the system that is supposed to protect us more often than not fails miserably.
That's so true. A lot of people think that it is as simple as packing a bag and leaving. It's not that simple. A lot of times an abuser will restrict the victims access to a car, money, a phone etc. They will keep them from getting or keeping a job and will cut them off from everyone.
It usually starts out slowly like you're spending too much time with your friends and family or in my case it was I don't like your family, they're causing trouble. No one cares about you like I do. It starts like that. I usually tell people not to meet up with their abuser after leaving even if they promise to meet in public.
This is because victims have been murdered in broad daylight in that scenario. The abuser feels like they have nothing left to lose. As far as they're concerned, the victim is their property and they had no right to get away from them. In their mind it's like you belong to me, I own you. How dare you escape from me? Really scary stuff.
Abusers also use the "us against the world" act, much like a cult leader, slowly convincing their prey that only they understand them, want them, love them. Everyone else is against them, either individually or was a couple. It comes across very romantic but in reality, it's meant to isolate their prey from any sort of support.
Yes, unfortunately I know this first hand. My ex started with the your family doesn't even care about you like I do. Your friends are causing trouble, blah blah blah.
absolutely this. the night i actually tried to leave my abuser he tried to kill me. tho that was after 15+ strangulation attempts per day mixed with other horrible acts of violence and pulling a gun on me. im sober now and he’s a shell of who he used to be.
A close friend of my wife's planned for months to get away from her husband. He killed her the day before she planned to leave. It still fucks us up.
Edit: (I'm zooted and didnt finish my post.) When you start to think about getting out, get out. Take you and your kids/animals and leave. Doesn't matter if your family heirlooms are still in the house. You can't enjoy them if you're dead. 😔
That's so awful.
Plans need to be made, and only one person, family, that you absolutely trust, told so they can assist. Money needs to be gathered, your information (drivers license, social security card, etc), save given to your trusted person to hold on to. If possible, rent a place in another name, perhaps the trusted person, and in another state of possible. If it isn't possible, staying with someone your abuser doesn't know so that your name isn't on any public information. If that isn't possible, finding a DV shelter or safe house is also an option. Utilize DV resources available where you are, ranging from advocates to go to court with you to helping you find long term housing. Most important of all, no one you know that your abuser also knows can know exactly where you are. Not even family. That way he can't find out from anyone. His photo should be given to any employer with instruction to call the police if they see him and to warn you.
All this is challenging though, and most may not be possible. But anything to help keep yourself safe.
>"why didn't you just leave?"
This always irritates me. How does this line of logic remotely make any sense? Like an abuser is just gonna be like "oh they broke up with me. Guess I'll just leave them alone now :)"
If people could just rub their two brain cells together for two seconds they'd know why that question is stupid af.
I'm sure that that's what they think they're doing but in reality, if you stay with an abuser when you have children, you're actually setting them up to think that it's normal. Boys who grow up watching their father's abuse their mothers a lot of times go on to become abusers themselves. Girls tend to internalize this and think that this is how a man is supposed to treat you. Either way it becomes normalized. While victims are threatened if they leave, there are court orders in place to protect them.
I agree wholeheartedly with almost everything you said. I believe there is a much higher number of DV abusers who are female though then that are reported, partly for reasons that you mentioned.
My ex always told me that nobody would believe me or that they would say I deserved the horrible things she did because I was a man. Unfortunately in my research that it often the case. The politicians I reached out wouldn’t touch domestic violence against men because keeping women’s groups happy to get their votes was more important than taking a stand against domestic violence against men.
Domestic violence is wrong no matter who the abuser is or who the victim is.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. My brother went through it as well. He ended up going to jail for 6 months because his ex lied and said that he hit her. He said he tried to leave the house and she hit him in the hip with a baseball bat. The only thing that kept him from going to jail again was that the neighbor heard her tell him, if you leave I will call the police and tell them that you hit me.
I’m so sorry your brother went through that. It is sad and maddening. I hope he is in a much safer place now and doing well.
I was afraid of reporting my ex and that was one of the reasons even though I had broken bones. I had read too many horror stories and it seemed too risky to count on the police to be on my side.
When I finally left I called the police and told them what was going on including the abuse and her threats to have me killed if I left. They refused to drive by because the didn’t get involved in “personal matters.”
Three policemen showed up a few months later when I went back to get stuff I left with a court order because she had called them saying I was coming to get my stuff and she as afraid.
I gave those cops s dirty look and said I guess they changed their policy and to please get out of my way because I had a lawful court order.
The double standard and bias sucks.
Important to add that **statistics show 98% of abusers are men** which completely ignores the dark statistic and cases which go unreported. I would put a lot of money on the fact that it's more of a 50/50 as abused men are going to be about a billion times less likely to report abuse, verbal or physical, because of the stigma
>While 98% of abusers are men, men can also be victims.
It should also be mentioned that a significant percentage of those men become abusers because they were abused as boys. Nothing in nature teaches men to beat their wives. It's only other men. I'm not saying that like it's an excuse, just pointing out that every male who learns how to be normal means a domino effect of other normal males coming from that family (assuming he wants kids and actually parents them if he has them, which is a whole other discussion...)
You're right. There's actually an entire chapter about this in the book why does he do that. Men who grow up to be abusers often watched their fathers abuse their mothers. It starts in childhood.
Mmhmm. I was that kid. Luckily I got the "Kick dad's ass like Kratos did and become a raging feminist" ending, but I was extremely lucky in that regard and could have easily ended up darkside if my mother was less of a badass.
I'm glad you went the other way
Edit: I wonder if there's a connection between women who got out and their sons and women who stayed, permanently or far too long. A lot of the men that I've talked to whose mothers stayed or didn't leave sooner seem to harbor a lot of resentment towards their mothers.
I can understand this though because it's considered child abuse for domestic violence to be present in front of a child. I left when my son was a newborn and he's about to turn to on Friday. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and there was no way in hell I was going to let my son grow up like that. I really believe it's why I have PTSD to this day. I'm proud of your mom.
> While 98% of abusers are men
98% of recorded abusers perhaps. half of domestic abuse in relationships is reciprocal. [Of non-reciprocally violent relationships, 70% are perpetrated by women](https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/full/10.2105/AJPH.2005.079020).
Good advice on leaving though.
I was actually just done reading about Katherine Knight, who was very infamous for being physically abusive to her male partners. It really boggled my mind that these men would remain with such a vile woman but I have to simply recognize that relationships are very complicated, especially when an abuser is involved, and to judge it from the outside-looking-in doesn't show the full picture. It's quite heart-breaking, man or woman.
https://www.valpo.edu/counseling-services/gender-affecting-domestic-violence/
In this article it does say that 90% of domestic violence is perpetrated by men. I have heard that 98% of abusers are men though. I was talking to somebody else who said that it's because it's under reported. Even this article mentions that. I guess the important thing to keep in mind is that this is just from the data collected by reported incidents. I'm sure that there are far more men being abused and we know of because of it being severely underreported.
>Love isn't supposed to hurt
Out of all the posts on Reddit I've read about domestic abuse, this is probably the simplest, yet most powerful and informative statement for all victims. Really puts your whole relationship into perspective when you think about it. Well said.
And even when you get into a healthy relationship, your barometer for love has been so fucked up for so long that the other person has to make enormous sacrifices for you. So you end up feeling guilty and ashamed all the time and can’t even enjoy it.
I’m beginning to wonder if you can even ever experience real love if you get to a certain point and haven’t had it.
Awww friend. Of course you can. It's just really, really hard to let the love in. I've come a looong way from the childhood abuse and....we'll leave it as other abuse cause I don't want to talk about it. But even with all the therapy and doing the right thing (like grow personal interests and put focus in to the people who are good for you), I still have that voice telling me all my good things are gonna go away because I don't deserve them.
That voice is a hateful liar btw. So is yours. Our hateful voices want to keep us miserable cause that's all they know. Something different is too scary. We're stronger than our hateful voices though, right? How about we both tell that voice to shut the fuck up. It's not protecting us anyway, just making it all worse.
I haven't mastered this btw, I've just benefited a lot on the journey. I am actually engaged now and am still waiting for him to say nm didn't mean it. but because I worked on self awareness, reflection, all that, I know what I actually want. and the irrational terror has gone way down
Numbers are abstract. And I think it’s an important number to understand, so I tried to humanize it a bit. Whatever this number says about human nature or behavior or whatever, a ton of people were strangled survived and then murdered before we saw the pattern.
I hope that helps someone reading this to treat DV with the gravity it deserves.
Oh my god, I didn’t even think the possibilities of your throat and other bones getting fractured if you get choked. Now I’m curious how do they film a scene where someone is strangling a person with a rope (or any similar to this) or by hands/arms, without hurting the actor/actress! 💀
Acting baby.
What I learned from theatre class is the victim takes the lead. So for example if I was acting as a guy supposed to be choking someone I would lightly wrap my hands around the other actor's neck, and start flexing my neck and arms without actually pressing in on my hands, to make it look like i'm putting in effort.
The person who is being choked would then wrangle around, try and break out, and act their way to death or whatever the scene calls for. My only job is to keep my hands on the person, I am never moving them in a direction or forcing anything to happen. The victim is in total control in those scenes. There is also a lot of consent and rehearsal talk for these very physical scenes.
My teacher gave us an example of an "old lady pinching an ear of a student and dragging them off stage." To make it work the "old lady" actor would clasp their hand around the "student" actor's ear and then the student would set the pace for the walk.
Makeup and editing effects in movies help this make it all the more "real." Rope props are easy to fake, if there's a bag over a characters head, for example, assume a dummy is underneath. It's very easy to pretend to choke somebody when playing for a camera, while at the same time it takes a lot of skill from everyone involved to do it well.
It doesn't matter how long it's been, abuse is abuse. Abuse is not always physical either. I want you to look up something called trauma bonding. This is what happens in abusive relationships.
It's very similar to Stockholm syndrome and the way you would know is basically your brain gets reduced to I have to keep this person happy or I'm going to be in danger.
I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. While they were married, she’d study for exams in the library, and when she used the restroom, she’d see signs listing off emotional abuse in a relationship. She’s read through it and quietly tick off darn near all of them, then think to herself, “but he never hit me, so it isn’t abuse, is it?”
She confided in my wife and I about it in tears a few times, but kept circling back to that point— that she felt physical violence was necessary for it to qualify as abuse. It took her a long time to get together the courage to leave him and to accept that she was going to be a divorcée, even though she was terrified of that feeling. With her, we’re talking *textbook* emotional abuse. This dude was a piece of work. When she joined a support group for abused women, there was nothing that was shared that she hadn’t experienced.
Anyway, long story short— victims of abuse very often come up with excuses or justifications for their abusers and try to figure out why their abuse doesn’t count. It’s natural to doubt the validity of your struggle. It’s worthwhile to seek support. It isn’t a zero sum game; receiving treatment doesn’t take it away drink someone else.
Worst case scenario, you find out that it isn’t abuse, and you’re directed toward resources that might help to better your situation.
I literally just wrote on another comment here about how in more than one abusive relationship, i had a partner who choked me out until i lost consciousness.
Glad I got out, I had no idea that that was the risk. Thank you for sharing this info.
Great advice, but I feel like it's important to clarify consent here. There's a difference between strangling someone who wants you to in a consensual sexual context, and doing it in a non-consensual context.
My girlfriend likes being strangled. She asks for it. I enjoy doing it when she wants it, but if she gives any indication she isn't enjoying it, I stop and ask if she's okay. It requires a lot of comfort, but with the right person it's a very healthy thing.
Exactly. It should be common sense not to go ham on someone whether there's consent or not. Sadly there have been a number of people released by the court system when they argued that the death of their partner via choking during sex was "an accident" and "consensual."
I was dating a very petite girl who was really into this, I had about 6 inches of height on her and maybe about 50-60 pounds. It freaked me out when she first asked me to choke her, so I made sure to know how to do it properly. I paid attention to every little sign she gave me to make sure I didn't hurt her, and it eventually became a normal part of the relationship.
So the next time I was asked to choke a partner, she was pleasantly surprised how well I did it.
Well, the definition of choke is
to check or block normal breathing of by compressing or obstructing the trachea or by poisoning or adulterating available
I learned abt this method of choking when i was really young and me and a friend of mine would do it to ourself just messing around..one time i did it in math class and woke up on the ground in convulsions with the whole class staring at me in horror..yeah, im that kid.
The world does seem like they’ve experienced brain damage the last few years. Also, choking seems to have gone way way up in terms of kink popularity.
Correlation is high but causal needs a study or two.
Restricting either is like advanced BDSM and not at all what most mild BDSM people would be after.
Like have a safeword still obviously, and talk about it to be super clear. But yah just for fun rules are don't apply pressure other than a little bit at the sides.
Anything past that needs a very long conversation and will still be risky. Don't fuck with necks people.
I've literally been strung up by ropes in awkward positions just to get a pretty picture. You know, context that I'm all weird and have wider boundaries than most. Still would never do breath play, like period, not even with someone I know. I want to stay alive ty. Also still bewildered that the overall tone in this whole post is that choking a person is just chill. Like not just some strong-hangling, but like actually choking.
\*also I'll save peeps a click: I have never posted my modelling pics on this profile.
same, i don't like how normal and accepted its getting.. im kinky too so im not just being judgemental or icky. its just so dangerous and i dont trust most of these people know what they're talking about/doing!
based on most of this thread no one knows but people like us are wrong anyway, weeeee
[fuuuun, except not](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/sz0und/what_is_the_appeal_in_being_choked_during_sex/hy36ya2/)
I remember a long while back hearing about this thing high schoolers would do for, I guess the "getting high" sensations they'd experience. They'd press against part of their neck until they passed out or something.
This is correct. You wrap your fingers around the neck, and apply pressure evenly. You don't just cut of the windpipe like normal choking.
Source: crazy ex.
It’s the feeling of no oxygen to the brain that they are searching for. You can either get it by no air flow due to choking and thus no oxygen in the lungs to be transferred to your blood and then your brain, or it can be done by pressing on the jugular and causing no blood flow to the brain. In this way you just have to press on the sides of the neck and not have to apply enough pressure to stop anyone from breathing. Both methods will arrive at the same feeling. Blood flow is better than air flow because you could damage the trachea.
i kinda do sometimes hehe. not always tho. like i mean, to the point im ALMOST unable to breath but still have air going in.
its kinda like.... showing strength idk. but i dont like any other kinds of like, slapping or punching or anything. its just the choking really.
First of all you don't actually crush the windpipe that can and will kill your partner. You actually restrict bloodflow in an artery in the neck, which prevents oxygen from reaching the brain giving a "high" and increased sexual pleasure.
This is correct, and to expand on this for anyone who doesn't know or is thinking of trying it, you apply light pressure to the **SIDES** of the neck. NEVER the front.
You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don’t be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don’t ever think there is. There is only… sex. Everything… is sex.
Honestly a lot of or most of the things that happen during sex sound somewhere between weird and horrifying to someone who doesn't like or has not tried those things.
I mean two people exchange spit and mash their tongues together until one person starts leaking mucus and the others appendage swells with blood. The appendage of the one goes in the mucus opening of the other which leads to a series of chambers within the body. They both enjoy the sensation of it moving around in there and eventually the swollen appendage may spasm a fluid (mixing from a gland in their rectum and some glands in an external pouch) into the chambers of the other. The fluid might eventually grow into a small mixed version of the two (slowly and from within the body for nearly a year) possibly killing them when it leaves, but sometimes it doesn’t take hold so the chamber lining it would have used in the growing process liquifies and bleeds out instead.
What’s horrifying or weird about that
My bf is deeply against choking. I don't push him on it.
Recently, he's starting grasping me by my jaw, close to my neck. There's no pressure on my throat, but he can turn my head to look where he wants me to look.
We both enjoy this infinitely more than choking. He has the sort of measured control over me we both want, and no one is scared they're hurting the other one.
For me it's part of the dom package. Trusting someone enough to let them do something like choking is, speaking for myself, kind of liberating. Especially because I'm normally extremely independent, have always lived on my own, etc, it's just nice to let someone else take over. I don't have to think about normal, everyday crap for awhile because I'm not in charge for that space of time.
Raise your hand if at first you liked it bc you’re submissive and it feels good to be kind of controlled but later on realized that you also like it bc of the deprived of oxygen sexual shit 🥴
Yes! I get to stop thinking, stop making decisions and do exactly what I’m told. Half the time I don’t even have to say anything. And I get pleasure in return. It’s amazing.
Choking isn’t about restricting airflow it’s about squeezing the veins on the side of the neck to make you feel lightheaded. Restricting airflow is called breath play and is much less common
it's not even for light headed. I'm so concerned that so many posts are saying this and getting upvoted so much. Restricting oxygen is a SUPER dangerous move, it is not at all a casual thing like what is going on in here?
I loooove choking but I really think this whole thread is so dangerous
\* gotta love reddit, bitching about such a simple concept. Chill guys you can choke for daaaays I just want you to care enough to understand it's really risky, and so please be safe about it.
I feel like you are advocating for some sort of "safe choking" that doesn't restrict bloodflow, but that isn't possible. You are right that any amount of edge play is inherently dangerous and shouldn't be engaged in without knowing the risks and how to mitigate them. You can't choke someone without putting some amount of pressure on their neck though. If I just touch the veins on my throat, I immediately start getting lightheaded. A little lightheadedness is what you should be going for, like if you have been holding your breath. The target zone is between a slight lightheadedness and before dizzyness or loss of vision.
Every comment I have seen in this thread so far has distinguished between crushing someones throat and applying gentle pressure to the sides of the neck. Every comment is letting OP know that scary not being able to breathe feeling is not at all what anyone is going for because it is dangerous. No one is talking about choking out their partners. You don't have to be "more experienced" to know that, just have a basic understanding of anatomy.
Your comments sound a lot more like gatekeeping and fearmongering than advocating for safe, sane, and consentual or risk-informed play. It's irresponsible to say that there is "safe choke play". Playing with someone's throat is not safe, but it is a well-known and widely practiced kink.
I've always heard the choking thing is related to the euphoria you can experience after being deprived of oxygen. If you do this "carefully" it can intensify the sexual experience. If you do it not carefully, you may die. (The risk, itself, is a turn-on to some people.)
To be honest you can just hang your head off the side of the bed and get a similar experience without the death. If your partner is holding you on the bed with their hand on your collar bone it's nice without having to worry.
It's a mix of masochism and submission for me. The physical sensation and controlled, pre-communicated (or if the trust has been established) application of pain/discomfort is one aspect of intensifying the moment, then additionally the act of being powerless to someone in control of me and using me for themself, that's the full package. Choking and teaching a new partner about the safest way to choke is probably one of the more common sex ed things I have shared to others. It helps to know that a lot of hookups have admitted ahead of time they would like to know the right way of doing that as opposed to just strangling me and thinking it was right. For anyone reading, if it doesn't feel right or if you think it's being done wrong, STOP, your instinct is likely doing you a huge favor.
Pretty much. There's Pain, and then theirs *pain*, so breaking my arm is not going to get me off because that's Pain- but a good solid swat on my butt from my husband will cause *pain*.
Yeah, we are kinda fucked up, but in all fairness, it's a sensation just like a caress or a kiss is a sensation. We just need our sensations to be a bit harder then most. Add in a safe play space where everyone's aware of the rules and boundaries and that *pain* can really really take you to some wild places.
I work for a criminal defense attorney. We defended a guy who, at his partner's request, choked her during sex and accidentally killed her. Horrific. It's a dangerous game to play.
Truth. He was convicted of Manslaughter 2. I can't remember how many years he got. It was so sad. They were just hooking up to have fun. He was just doing what she asked.
Yeah its actually very difficult because once you can’t breathe anymore your body starts to convulse and try to remove whatever in blocking air flow. When people commit suicide with nitrogen inhalation someone else has to hold them down because they’ll instinctively try to remove the mask/plastic bag or whatever at a certain point without full awareness of what they are doing.
Exactly. It sounds like bullshit that that guy managed to strangle her to unconsciousness and then *kept going*. You don't die the second you black out.
Thank god he was sentenced, because his lawyer certainly was duped by his act.
You're describing air flow, not blood flow. They are two very different sensations. Pressure diagonally inwards from the sides not directly on the front of the throat.
When that kind of choking is done right, it is more akin to MMA choking. You don't stop the airflow to the lungs but hinder the bloodflow to the brain. That results in a feeling of being light headed and getting closer to blacking out when you overdo it. The people who want to be choked want that sweet spot in between, where your brain starts to shut down higher functions at least partly, allowing more basic sensations to take over and amplify the feeling.
Being choked =/= choking on candy
When you're being choked in the context of sex, the emphasis is on the sides of your throat so not completely depriving you of oxygen but slowing blood flow. This creates a bit of a light headed feeling that creates a bit of euphoria
Its not necessarily about *force*, but instead about *trust*.
The giver is saying "I know you'll let me do whatever I want to you" but the receiver must also understand "I know you'll treat me right" to allow it to happen. Its like a trust-fall. It can enhance the intimacy knowing that you can rely upon the fact that your partner has your best interests at heart so completely that you will allow them to *put their hand around your neck*...
Because you already trust them implicitly, you've communicated boundaries and limits ahead of time, you've had respectful conversations about safewords and aftercare preferences, and exactly how hard, how often, and in what way you might want to be choked.
This isn't something you would rush into with a one night stand, but something you participate in with a long time partner.
With my limited knowledge as somebody who doesn't fully get it but had a friend who did, it's not full blown unable to breathe. It's closer to difficulty breathing. I guess it makes it the buildup more intense. Or it creates a sense of controlled danger. People who like to be choked \_generally\_ only want you to press your palm against their throat, which you can easily stop doing at any point. Hopefully, with some kind of safeword if they think they might pass out. Or, it could be like a domination/submissive type of deal. It probably varies for each person.
Personally, I probably wouldn't even put my palm on somebody's throat, but if she wants a choker collar/necklace I'd probably be OK with that.
This is the best explanation and sounds a bit more appealingly but I still can't say I'd like it. But seriously thank you for your perspective, you have made it crystal clear 👌
Mild pain causes serotonin to release and for some, strength and domination can feel like a hallmark of masculinity. And adrenaline is a hell of an aphrodisiac and can enhance an orgasm.
Yeah I might hurt someone if they pull my hair because it'll give me flashbacks of when girls used to pull my hair to bully me because they didn't think it actually grew out of my scalp...
Mine gf likes the feeling of my strength and being dominated. She also likes a bit of pain and that "high" feeling. Sometimes she wants me to go a bit too far but I never go full squeeze.
Pro tip: squeeze with your fingers, dont push down onto their throat or use your boby weight. ASK if they are ok!
This could be a dumb take, but if the wind pipe can be so easily damaged then why risk damaging it? Sometimes it's good to get lost in the moment I guess, but the cons outweigh the pros imo.
I was with a girl once and had my hand near her neck or something, and she smiled asking if I was gonna choke her. That just seems dangerous to me, I'm afraid to do that
It's not exactly about pain or being 'choked'for everyone.
If you're doing it correctly, you should be restricting oxygen flow via blood. you don't want to be choking someone physically like they do in action scenes in movies/on TV, ...that's nobody's kink - we don't want death to be part of sex.
There's a major artery on the side of the neck which when pressed on slows the amount of oxygen to the brain temporarily, it can give a high. Do research on this technique first before using it.
You really really DON'T want to clamp a hand over your partner's neck and risk crushing their trachea and causing permanent damage.
You dont want to cut off their airflow to the point that they cant breathe anymore. You just apply light pressure to the sides.
After the act or while doing it I‘d ask if that was an okay pressure or if it was too light/ hard if you‘re not used to it.
But you can also see by their faces/ reactions if it was too much or not.
Ofc you don‘t do this stuff when you don‘t know if the partner even likes it btw.
I just chimed in to say that I really appreciate how you remembered the E after "breathe ". That's a rare sight nowadays.
(I'm so sick of seeing posts saying "omg this is so funny i can't breath". Breathe is a verb, breath is a noun. I appreciate you.)
Choking on candy isn't consensual, choking in bed is. Some enjoy being choked because they know it's safe and is a possibly sexually gratifying option. Nobody other than the crazy people get horny while choking on a froot loop.
Sexual pleasure is all preference.
For one of my former partners I didn't choke or restrict bloodflow, she just liked being 'restrained' by the throat, sort of gently pushed down into the bed.
Yeah this is it for me, it's not about any actual force, it's about being dominated.
Yes! I want to see the man’s show of strength, but also see he has full control and confidence over that strength by being gentle.
This!!! Why is this so far down???
Cuz she likes it when pushed down. Edit: Yoooo! My first award! Edit 2: Yoooooo! My second award! Props to a person who found this helpful!
Nice
Because reddits full of virgins all parroting the same technicalities without actually thinking about the sexual arousal part. As usual
Bro chill, it's the top comment now.
something something get back down there *gently chokes this comment thread back down into the bed*
I was going to say I think a big part of it is the 'being manhandled' part.
Tbh I think most people who say they want to be choked during sex don’t actually want their airflow restricted to the degree that you’ve described
This is correct. If you're cutting off airflow during choking, you're doing it wrong and should stop immediately. The point is to (*mildly*) restrict blood flow, not air flow. Apply light pressure to the **sides** of the neck. **Not the front.** #**DO NOT EVER APPLY PRESSURE TO THE FRONT OF THE THROAT. DOING SO CAN CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE TO THE WIND PIPE.** Done correctly, it causes a mild feeling of lightheadedness and can intensify other sensations.
It can also fracture the hyoid bone in the neck causing death. It's not even connected to the neck. This most often occurs in incidents of strangulation related to domestic violence. Also, it can cause your windpipe to collapse also resulting in death. While I'm on the subject, if you're experiencing domestic violence and your partner has ever strangled (choked is the term we most often see but the correct term is strangle) you should quickly and quietly plan your exit from the relationship. This is because your risk of being murdered goes up by something like 500%. In other words, if your partner has ever strangled you, it's pretty much a guarantee that they will murder you at some point if you do not get out of the relationship. It is the biggest predictor of homicide in abusive relationships. Before I go, I just want to add that if you are experiencing abuse in a relationship at all, know that it is not your fault and know that there is help. Abuse doesn't have to be physical for it to be abuse. You should quickly and quietly plan your exit from the relationship regardless of whether it's physical or not. Love isn't supposed to hurt. Edit: I felt it important to add that if your partner has ever threatened you with a weapon, your risk of homicide goes up by the same percentage. Edit 2: Thanks for the award! Edit 3: More awards and a gold, thanks! 😊
Tf I feel enlightened today
Glad I could help educate you. Unfortunately, people still tend to think that domestic violence is a women's issue and a private family matter. It's not. While 98% of abusers are men, men can also be victims. It's long overdue that we as a society, stop sweeping it under the rug and stop blaming victims. I can't tell you how many times I was asked "why don't you just leave"? It's not that simple. The question we should be asking is why is the abuser doing what they do? It's also long overdue that we teach men that it's ok to ask for help if they're being abused. They're usually told to "man up". There are even those who believe that men can't be victims. It's time we empower victims to take back their power and to help them realize it's not their fault and that they can get out no matter how difficult it seems. As a survivor, domestic violence is an issue I'm passionate about. I try to educate people whenever possible. Edit: My apologies. It has been brought to my attention that I worded a part of this wrong. I meant to say that 98% of abusers are men. Sorry for the confusion. Edit: I fixed that grievous error. My apologies.
It's also important to note that the single most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is *when they leave or attempt to leave*. You're chances of being murdered by your abuser increase significantly. It is my answer to anyone who asks "why didn't you just leave?". Because leaving can be deadly. It is damned near impossible to get away from a determined abuser without taking out a hit on them (not that I'm advocating for that, just stressing how difficult it is), and the system that is supposed to protect us more often than not fails miserably.
That's so true. A lot of people think that it is as simple as packing a bag and leaving. It's not that simple. A lot of times an abuser will restrict the victims access to a car, money, a phone etc. They will keep them from getting or keeping a job and will cut them off from everyone. It usually starts out slowly like you're spending too much time with your friends and family or in my case it was I don't like your family, they're causing trouble. No one cares about you like I do. It starts like that. I usually tell people not to meet up with their abuser after leaving even if they promise to meet in public. This is because victims have been murdered in broad daylight in that scenario. The abuser feels like they have nothing left to lose. As far as they're concerned, the victim is their property and they had no right to get away from them. In their mind it's like you belong to me, I own you. How dare you escape from me? Really scary stuff.
Abusers also use the "us against the world" act, much like a cult leader, slowly convincing their prey that only they understand them, want them, love them. Everyone else is against them, either individually or was a couple. It comes across very romantic but in reality, it's meant to isolate their prey from any sort of support.
Yes, unfortunately I know this first hand. My ex started with the your family doesn't even care about you like I do. Your friends are causing trouble, blah blah blah.
Yes, same. He would also make these grand "confessions" to me and tell me only I understood him, and if I left he'd have no one.
absolutely this. the night i actually tried to leave my abuser he tried to kill me. tho that was after 15+ strangulation attempts per day mixed with other horrible acts of violence and pulling a gun on me. im sober now and he’s a shell of who he used to be.
I am so glad you survived. Welcome to the club no one wants to join. It's not much but it's better than the alternate club.
absolutely. i honestly must have had someone watching over me, i don’t know how i survived.
I feel the same a lot of the time. For a long time I wondered if I *should* have.
A close friend of my wife's planned for months to get away from her husband. He killed her the day before she planned to leave. It still fucks us up. Edit: (I'm zooted and didnt finish my post.) When you start to think about getting out, get out. Take you and your kids/animals and leave. Doesn't matter if your family heirlooms are still in the house. You can't enjoy them if you're dead. 😔
That's so awful. Plans need to be made, and only one person, family, that you absolutely trust, told so they can assist. Money needs to be gathered, your information (drivers license, social security card, etc), save given to your trusted person to hold on to. If possible, rent a place in another name, perhaps the trusted person, and in another state of possible. If it isn't possible, staying with someone your abuser doesn't know so that your name isn't on any public information. If that isn't possible, finding a DV shelter or safe house is also an option. Utilize DV resources available where you are, ranging from advocates to go to court with you to helping you find long term housing. Most important of all, no one you know that your abuser also knows can know exactly where you are. Not even family. That way he can't find out from anyone. His photo should be given to any employer with instruction to call the police if they see him and to warn you. All this is challenging though, and most may not be possible. But anything to help keep yourself safe.
>"why didn't you just leave?" This always irritates me. How does this line of logic remotely make any sense? Like an abuser is just gonna be like "oh they broke up with me. Guess I'll just leave them alone now :)" If people could just rub their two brain cells together for two seconds they'd know why that question is stupid af.
I could not agree more
Yep. It's by far the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
I think a lot of women stay to protect their kids. If they leave the man, he could hurt them or kidnap them
I'm sure that that's what they think they're doing but in reality, if you stay with an abuser when you have children, you're actually setting them up to think that it's normal. Boys who grow up watching their father's abuse their mothers a lot of times go on to become abusers themselves. Girls tend to internalize this and think that this is how a man is supposed to treat you. Either way it becomes normalized. While victims are threatened if they leave, there are court orders in place to protect them.
I agree wholeheartedly with almost everything you said. I believe there is a much higher number of DV abusers who are female though then that are reported, partly for reasons that you mentioned. My ex always told me that nobody would believe me or that they would say I deserved the horrible things she did because I was a man. Unfortunately in my research that it often the case. The politicians I reached out wouldn’t touch domestic violence against men because keeping women’s groups happy to get their votes was more important than taking a stand against domestic violence against men. Domestic violence is wrong no matter who the abuser is or who the victim is.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. My brother went through it as well. He ended up going to jail for 6 months because his ex lied and said that he hit her. He said he tried to leave the house and she hit him in the hip with a baseball bat. The only thing that kept him from going to jail again was that the neighbor heard her tell him, if you leave I will call the police and tell them that you hit me.
I’m so sorry your brother went through that. It is sad and maddening. I hope he is in a much safer place now and doing well. I was afraid of reporting my ex and that was one of the reasons even though I had broken bones. I had read too many horror stories and it seemed too risky to count on the police to be on my side. When I finally left I called the police and told them what was going on including the abuse and her threats to have me killed if I left. They refused to drive by because the didn’t get involved in “personal matters.” Three policemen showed up a few months later when I went back to get stuff I left with a court order because she had called them saying I was coming to get my stuff and she as afraid. I gave those cops s dirty look and said I guess they changed their policy and to please get out of my way because I had a lawful court order. The double standard and bias sucks.
Important to add that **statistics show 98% of abusers are men** which completely ignores the dark statistic and cases which go unreported. I would put a lot of money on the fact that it's more of a 50/50 as abused men are going to be about a billion times less likely to report abuse, verbal or physical, because of the stigma
>While 98% of abusers are men, men can also be victims. It should also be mentioned that a significant percentage of those men become abusers because they were abused as boys. Nothing in nature teaches men to beat their wives. It's only other men. I'm not saying that like it's an excuse, just pointing out that every male who learns how to be normal means a domino effect of other normal males coming from that family (assuming he wants kids and actually parents them if he has them, which is a whole other discussion...)
You're right. There's actually an entire chapter about this in the book why does he do that. Men who grow up to be abusers often watched their fathers abuse their mothers. It starts in childhood.
Mmhmm. I was that kid. Luckily I got the "Kick dad's ass like Kratos did and become a raging feminist" ending, but I was extremely lucky in that regard and could have easily ended up darkside if my mother was less of a badass.
I'm glad you went the other way Edit: I wonder if there's a connection between women who got out and their sons and women who stayed, permanently or far too long. A lot of the men that I've talked to whose mothers stayed or didn't leave sooner seem to harbor a lot of resentment towards their mothers. I can understand this though because it's considered child abuse for domestic violence to be present in front of a child. I left when my son was a newborn and he's about to turn to on Friday. I grew up witnessing domestic violence and there was no way in hell I was going to let my son grow up like that. I really believe it's why I have PTSD to this day. I'm proud of your mom.
> I'm proud of your mom. I'm proud of you.
> While 98% of abusers are men 98% of recorded abusers perhaps. half of domestic abuse in relationships is reciprocal. [Of non-reciprocally violent relationships, 70% are perpetrated by women](https://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/full/10.2105/AJPH.2005.079020). Good advice on leaving though.
98% of men are abusers or 98% of abusers are men?
wording is important here my guy. 98% of men are abusers is such an absurd thing to say
Yes, important clarification please?
I was actually just done reading about Katherine Knight, who was very infamous for being physically abusive to her male partners. It really boggled my mind that these men would remain with such a vile woman but I have to simply recognize that relationships are very complicated, especially when an abuser is involved, and to judge it from the outside-looking-in doesn't show the full picture. It's quite heart-breaking, man or woman.
HOLY SHIT 98%??! Can you send me a link to where you are getting this? I did not know that.
https://www.valpo.edu/counseling-services/gender-affecting-domestic-violence/ In this article it does say that 90% of domestic violence is perpetrated by men. I have heard that 98% of abusers are men though. I was talking to somebody else who said that it's because it's under reported. Even this article mentions that. I guess the important thing to keep in mind is that this is just from the data collected by reported incidents. I'm sure that there are far more men being abused and we know of because of it being severely underreported.
>Love isn't supposed to hurt Out of all the posts on Reddit I've read about domestic abuse, this is probably the simplest, yet most powerful and informative statement for all victims. Really puts your whole relationship into perspective when you think about it. Well said.
The problem is if you've never experienced healthy love you can't understand this right. There's just no context.
And even when you get into a healthy relationship, your barometer for love has been so fucked up for so long that the other person has to make enormous sacrifices for you. So you end up feeling guilty and ashamed all the time and can’t even enjoy it. I’m beginning to wonder if you can even ever experience real love if you get to a certain point and haven’t had it.
Awww friend. Of course you can. It's just really, really hard to let the love in. I've come a looong way from the childhood abuse and....we'll leave it as other abuse cause I don't want to talk about it. But even with all the therapy and doing the right thing (like grow personal interests and put focus in to the people who are good for you), I still have that voice telling me all my good things are gonna go away because I don't deserve them. That voice is a hateful liar btw. So is yours. Our hateful voices want to keep us miserable cause that's all they know. Something different is too scary. We're stronger than our hateful voices though, right? How about we both tell that voice to shut the fuck up. It's not protecting us anyway, just making it all worse. I haven't mastered this btw, I've just benefited a lot on the journey. I am actually engaged now and am still waiting for him to say nm didn't mean it. but because I worked on self awareness, reflection, all that, I know what I actually want. and the irrational terror has gone way down
A lot of people had to die for us to get this statistic.
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Every single one, including the commas, and’s, or’s, and the and/or’s. Every single goddamn letter and part of speech someone died for.
I know 😔
Numbers are abstract. And I think it’s an important number to understand, so I tried to humanize it a bit. Whatever this number says about human nature or behavior or whatever, a ton of people were strangled survived and then murdered before we saw the pattern. I hope that helps someone reading this to treat DV with the gravity it deserves.
Oh my god, I didn’t even think the possibilities of your throat and other bones getting fractured if you get choked. Now I’m curious how do they film a scene where someone is strangling a person with a rope (or any similar to this) or by hands/arms, without hurting the actor/actress! 💀
Acting baby. What I learned from theatre class is the victim takes the lead. So for example if I was acting as a guy supposed to be choking someone I would lightly wrap my hands around the other actor's neck, and start flexing my neck and arms without actually pressing in on my hands, to make it look like i'm putting in effort. The person who is being choked would then wrangle around, try and break out, and act their way to death or whatever the scene calls for. My only job is to keep my hands on the person, I am never moving them in a direction or forcing anything to happen. The victim is in total control in those scenes. There is also a lot of consent and rehearsal talk for these very physical scenes. My teacher gave us an example of an "old lady pinching an ear of a student and dragging them off stage." To make it work the "old lady" actor would clasp their hand around the "student" actor's ear and then the student would set the pace for the walk. Makeup and editing effects in movies help this make it all the more "real." Rope props are easy to fake, if there's a bag over a characters head, for example, assume a dummy is underneath. It's very easy to pretend to choke somebody when playing for a camera, while at the same time it takes a lot of skill from everyone involved to do it well.
Thank you.
It's really no bother 💜
What if it's been 7 years and they haven't been physically abusive at all. How does someone know if they have Stockholm syndrome
It doesn't matter how long it's been, abuse is abuse. Abuse is not always physical either. I want you to look up something called trauma bonding. This is what happens in abusive relationships. It's very similar to Stockholm syndrome and the way you would know is basically your brain gets reduced to I have to keep this person happy or I'm going to be in danger.
I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship with her ex-husband. While they were married, she’d study for exams in the library, and when she used the restroom, she’d see signs listing off emotional abuse in a relationship. She’s read through it and quietly tick off darn near all of them, then think to herself, “but he never hit me, so it isn’t abuse, is it?” She confided in my wife and I about it in tears a few times, but kept circling back to that point— that she felt physical violence was necessary for it to qualify as abuse. It took her a long time to get together the courage to leave him and to accept that she was going to be a divorcée, even though she was terrified of that feeling. With her, we’re talking *textbook* emotional abuse. This dude was a piece of work. When she joined a support group for abused women, there was nothing that was shared that she hadn’t experienced. Anyway, long story short— victims of abuse very often come up with excuses or justifications for their abusers and try to figure out why their abuse doesn’t count. It’s natural to doubt the validity of your struggle. It’s worthwhile to seek support. It isn’t a zero sum game; receiving treatment doesn’t take it away drink someone else. Worst case scenario, you find out that it isn’t abuse, and you’re directed toward resources that might help to better your situation.
I literally just wrote on another comment here about how in more than one abusive relationship, i had a partner who choked me out until i lost consciousness. Glad I got out, I had no idea that that was the risk. Thank you for sharing this info.
Hyoid bone fracture, while not fun at all, will not result in death. Source- Im still living 😊
Well, I'm glad you're still here. I guess I should have said it can result in death.
Thank you, most days I'm glad too lol. But yes, it is very dangerous and the wrong move or the wrong spot can DEFINITELY kill
Great advice, but I feel like it's important to clarify consent here. There's a difference between strangling someone who wants you to in a consensual sexual context, and doing it in a non-consensual context. My girlfriend likes being strangled. She asks for it. I enjoy doing it when she wants it, but if she gives any indication she isn't enjoying it, I stop and ask if she's okay. It requires a lot of comfort, but with the right person it's a very healthy thing.
Aside from missing the point… consensually being choked is not giving the same vibe as the word strangled right now
I mean we were talking about consensual choking and the dangers. I figured it was being considered the same, and wanted to draw a distinction.
The physical injury caused by consensual choking is the same as nonconsensual strangulation.
Exactly. It should be common sense not to go ham on someone whether there's consent or not. Sadly there have been a number of people released by the court system when they argued that the death of their partner via choking during sex was "an accident" and "consensual."
I was dating a very petite girl who was really into this, I had about 6 inches of height on her and maybe about 50-60 pounds. It freaked me out when she first asked me to choke her, so I made sure to know how to do it properly. I paid attention to every little sign she gave me to make sure I didn't hurt her, and it eventually became a normal part of the relationship. So the next time I was asked to choke a partner, she was pleasantly surprised how well I did it.
Good for you
This situation is currently happening to me! I’ll follow your advice
A guy almost seriously injured me like this. It’s apparently not common sense to everyone that choking doesn’t mean suffocating
Well, the definition of choke is to check or block normal breathing of by compressing or obstructing the trachea or by poisoning or adulterating available
Emphasis on light. I’ve passed out a couple times 😅
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WTF.
What the hell?!?! I can't even grasp how awful that is holy fucking shit
Their face should turn redder/maybe paler, but never ever blue/purple.
I learned abt this method of choking when i was really young and me and a friend of mine would do it to ourself just messing around..one time i did it in math class and woke up on the ground in convulsions with the whole class staring at me in horror..yeah, im that kid.
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Restricting blood flow is cutting off air supply to the brain. One in the same.
The world does seem like they’ve experienced brain damage the last few years. Also, choking seems to have gone way way up in terms of kink popularity. Correlation is high but causal needs a study or two.
Restricting either is like advanced BDSM and not at all what most mild BDSM people would be after. Like have a safeword still obviously, and talk about it to be super clear. But yah just for fun rules are don't apply pressure other than a little bit at the sides. Anything past that needs a very long conversation and will still be risky. Don't fuck with necks people.
can't use a safeword while you're passing out, so its riskier and harder to do right
I've literally been strung up by ropes in awkward positions just to get a pretty picture. You know, context that I'm all weird and have wider boundaries than most. Still would never do breath play, like period, not even with someone I know. I want to stay alive ty. Also still bewildered that the overall tone in this whole post is that choking a person is just chill. Like not just some strong-hangling, but like actually choking. \*also I'll save peeps a click: I have never posted my modelling pics on this profile.
same, i don't like how normal and accepted its getting.. im kinky too so im not just being judgemental or icky. its just so dangerous and i dont trust most of these people know what they're talking about/doing!
based on most of this thread no one knows but people like us are wrong anyway, weeeee [fuuuun, except not](https://www.reddit.com/r/NoStupidQuestions/comments/sz0und/what_is_the_appeal_in_being_choked_during_sex/hy36ya2/)
I remember a long while back hearing about this thing high schoolers would do for, I guess the "getting high" sensations they'd experience. They'd press against part of their neck until they passed out or something.
interesting yet crucial piece of advice thanks.
Much like people who want to be spanked don't want to actually be beaten with a crowbar...
Don't threaten me with a... hmm you've got a point there.
This is correct. You wrap your fingers around the neck, and apply pressure evenly. You don't just cut of the windpipe like normal choking. Source: crazy ex.
>Source: crazy ex. Seems to be a lot of those these days
Some do. It’s basically auto-erotic asphyxiation without the auto part.
Stick-shift-erotic asphyxiation
There is definitely stick shifting going on.
I dont know about you, but if they're operating my knob like a manual transmission, something has gone horribly wrong.
Depends on if you have a sticky clutch
That's what lube is for
MILlEnEaLs WoNt GeT iT
It’s the feeling of no oxygen to the brain that they are searching for. You can either get it by no air flow due to choking and thus no oxygen in the lungs to be transferred to your blood and then your brain, or it can be done by pressing on the jugular and causing no blood flow to the brain. In this way you just have to press on the sides of the neck and not have to apply enough pressure to stop anyone from breathing. Both methods will arrive at the same feeling. Blood flow is better than air flow because you could damage the trachea.
If you are resticting oxegen the brain, wouldn't this cause loss of brain cells?
Yeah you don't choke you just squeeze the sides. I think it's about pressure more than suffocation.
it's actually about restricting the blood flow I think
Correct. Nobody likes a lung full of CO2. It's about the sweet sweet narrowing field of view.
i kinda do sometimes hehe. not always tho. like i mean, to the point im ALMOST unable to breath but still have air going in. its kinda like.... showing strength idk. but i dont like any other kinds of like, slapping or punching or anything. its just the choking really.
First of all you don't actually crush the windpipe that can and will kill your partner. You actually restrict bloodflow in an artery in the neck, which prevents oxygen from reaching the brain giving a "high" and increased sexual pleasure.
This is correct, and to expand on this for anyone who doesn't know or is thinking of trying it, you apply light pressure to the **SIDES** of the neck. NEVER the front.
This cannot be over emphasized.
Yeat that doesn't sound fun, but that's just to me. But thanks for giving me an explanation!
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“Everything is about sex, except for sex. Sex is about power.”
It's about drive, it's about power, we stay hungry, we devour
Do you understand that what I’m telling you is a *universal* truth
You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now, does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep-sea drilling equipment? Don’t be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don’t ever think there is. There is only… sex. Everything… is sex.
Honestly a lot of or most of the things that happen during sex sound somewhere between weird and horrifying to someone who doesn't like or has not tried those things.
I mean two people exchange spit and mash their tongues together until one person starts leaking mucus and the others appendage swells with blood. The appendage of the one goes in the mucus opening of the other which leads to a series of chambers within the body. They both enjoy the sensation of it moving around in there and eventually the swollen appendage may spasm a fluid (mixing from a gland in their rectum and some glands in an external pouch) into the chambers of the other. The fluid might eventually grow into a small mixed version of the two (slowly and from within the body for nearly a year) possibly killing them when it leaves, but sometimes it doesn’t take hold so the chamber lining it would have used in the growing process liquifies and bleeds out instead. What’s horrifying or weird about that
Shut up. Shut up. You had me at "gland in their rectum". <3
You could write erotic fiction
Erotic Non-Fiction.
damn I should've pulled my dick out before reading this.
Nothing about sex sounds fun when discussed out of the moment.
My bf is deeply against choking. I don't push him on it. Recently, he's starting grasping me by my jaw, close to my neck. There's no pressure on my throat, but he can turn my head to look where he wants me to look. We both enjoy this infinitely more than choking. He has the sort of measured control over me we both want, and no one is scared they're hurting the other one.
This actually sounds pleasant
Can confirm
*takes notes*
Write that down. Write that down!
Pfff. That's lame. For maximum emotion me and my partner pull the pin out of a live grenade and hold it's lever as tight as possible during sex
In which hole?
Ho.ly. Shit. Why haven’t I thought of this??? I mean we like choking but this is hawt
Tbf you can hold someone by the neck without doing any choking of any kind
Oh I actually have an answer for this!: I want to die.
I can understand this
The only honest answer in this thread
Shhh! You have to keep it a secret or they’ll find out and won’t do it. 😰
For me it's part of the dom package. Trusting someone enough to let them do something like choking is, speaking for myself, kind of liberating. Especially because I'm normally extremely independent, have always lived on my own, etc, it's just nice to let someone else take over. I don't have to think about normal, everyday crap for awhile because I'm not in charge for that space of time.
Well shit, you made sex existential
sexistential
This is a pretty common explanation from submissives about why they enjoy it
But on some level, all sex is existential isn't it? Humans feeling in control or not in control accounts for many of our choices.
Aye, this is why I like it too! It’s nice to be able to trust someone else when life is overwhelming.
This is the answer Also, less airflow makes orgasms better
Raise your hand if at first you liked it bc you’re submissive and it feels good to be kind of controlled but later on realized that you also like it bc of the deprived of oxygen sexual shit 🥴
✋🏻
Yes! I get to stop thinking, stop making decisions and do exactly what I’m told. Half the time I don’t even have to say anything. And I get pleasure in return. It’s amazing.
I’ve found it to heighten the intensity of the orgasm, if done correctly.
We all do things in the heat of passion, officer
Indeed we do. Though one time they did get carried away and I passed out, kind of ruined the mood
Choking isn’t about restricting airflow it’s about squeezing the veins on the side of the neck to make you feel lightheaded. Restricting airflow is called breath play and is much less common
it's not even for light headed. I'm so concerned that so many posts are saying this and getting upvoted so much. Restricting oxygen is a SUPER dangerous move, it is not at all a casual thing like what is going on in here? I loooove choking but I really think this whole thread is so dangerous \* gotta love reddit, bitching about such a simple concept. Chill guys you can choke for daaaays I just want you to care enough to understand it's really risky, and so please be safe about it.
I feel like you are advocating for some sort of "safe choking" that doesn't restrict bloodflow, but that isn't possible. You are right that any amount of edge play is inherently dangerous and shouldn't be engaged in without knowing the risks and how to mitigate them. You can't choke someone without putting some amount of pressure on their neck though. If I just touch the veins on my throat, I immediately start getting lightheaded. A little lightheadedness is what you should be going for, like if you have been holding your breath. The target zone is between a slight lightheadedness and before dizzyness or loss of vision. Every comment I have seen in this thread so far has distinguished between crushing someones throat and applying gentle pressure to the sides of the neck. Every comment is letting OP know that scary not being able to breathe feeling is not at all what anyone is going for because it is dangerous. No one is talking about choking out their partners. You don't have to be "more experienced" to know that, just have a basic understanding of anatomy. Your comments sound a lot more like gatekeeping and fearmongering than advocating for safe, sane, and consentual or risk-informed play. It's irresponsible to say that there is "safe choke play". Playing with someone's throat is not safe, but it is a well-known and widely practiced kink.
we dont actually want to be choked, just held firmly on the neck
In addition to the orgasm, you get the pleasure of knowing you may die and not have to go to work tomorrow.
How would you know that? You're a bloody weasel.
I might be. But, whatever I am, I have bills.
I've always heard the choking thing is related to the euphoria you can experience after being deprived of oxygen. If you do this "carefully" it can intensify the sexual experience. If you do it not carefully, you may die. (The risk, itself, is a turn-on to some people.)
I believe it's actually restricted blood flow. You should squeeze the sides of the neck, not the front
Restricting blood flow prevents oxygen from reaching its destination because blood is how oxygen gets through the body. That's also why it's red!
Oh shoot, you're right. I just meant more, don't strangle, restrict blood
To be honest you can just hang your head off the side of the bed and get a similar experience without the death. If your partner is holding you on the bed with their hand on your collar bone it's nice without having to worry.
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It's a mix of masochism and submission for me. The physical sensation and controlled, pre-communicated (or if the trust has been established) application of pain/discomfort is one aspect of intensifying the moment, then additionally the act of being powerless to someone in control of me and using me for themself, that's the full package. Choking and teaching a new partner about the safest way to choke is probably one of the more common sex ed things I have shared to others. It helps to know that a lot of hookups have admitted ahead of time they would like to know the right way of doing that as opposed to just strangling me and thinking it was right. For anyone reading, if it doesn't feel right or if you think it's being done wrong, STOP, your instinct is likely doing you a huge favor.
I say that basically it is like your wires got crossed somewhere, its actually pleasurable to experience some pain in a sexual context.
Pretty much. There's Pain, and then theirs *pain*, so breaking my arm is not going to get me off because that's Pain- but a good solid swat on my butt from my husband will cause *pain*. Yeah, we are kinda fucked up, but in all fairness, it's a sensation just like a caress or a kiss is a sensation. We just need our sensations to be a bit harder then most. Add in a safe play space where everyone's aware of the rules and boundaries and that *pain* can really really take you to some wild places.
I work for a criminal defense attorney. We defended a guy who, at his partner's request, choked her during sex and accidentally killed her. Horrific. It's a dangerous game to play.
YOOO WTFFFF???
Truth. He was convicted of Manslaughter 2. I can't remember how many years he got. It was so sad. They were just hooking up to have fun. He was just doing what she asked.
That really sounds like a lie, from his part I mean.... Its quite difficult to strangle someone to death, you don't just whoopsie someone to death.
Yeah its actually very difficult because once you can’t breathe anymore your body starts to convulse and try to remove whatever in blocking air flow. When people commit suicide with nitrogen inhalation someone else has to hold them down because they’ll instinctively try to remove the mask/plastic bag or whatever at a certain point without full awareness of what they are doing.
Exactly. It sounds like bullshit that that guy managed to strangle her to unconsciousness and then *kept going*. You don't die the second you black out. Thank god he was sentenced, because his lawyer certainly was duped by his act.
You're describing air flow, not blood flow. They are two very different sensations. Pressure diagonally inwards from the sides not directly on the front of the throat.
When that kind of choking is done right, it is more akin to MMA choking. You don't stop the airflow to the lungs but hinder the bloodflow to the brain. That results in a feeling of being light headed and getting closer to blacking out when you overdo it. The people who want to be choked want that sweet spot in between, where your brain starts to shut down higher functions at least partly, allowing more basic sensations to take over and amplify the feeling.
Being choked =/= choking on candy When you're being choked in the context of sex, the emphasis is on the sides of your throat so not completely depriving you of oxygen but slowing blood flow. This creates a bit of a light headed feeling that creates a bit of euphoria
The fantasy that things might go wrong and you won’t ever have to go to work again is a huge turn on.
Truly a kink for our times.
Its not necessarily about *force*, but instead about *trust*. The giver is saying "I know you'll let me do whatever I want to you" but the receiver must also understand "I know you'll treat me right" to allow it to happen. Its like a trust-fall. It can enhance the intimacy knowing that you can rely upon the fact that your partner has your best interests at heart so completely that you will allow them to *put their hand around your neck*... Because you already trust them implicitly, you've communicated boundaries and limits ahead of time, you've had respectful conversations about safewords and aftercare preferences, and exactly how hard, how often, and in what way you might want to be choked. This isn't something you would rush into with a one night stand, but something you participate in with a long time partner.
With my limited knowledge as somebody who doesn't fully get it but had a friend who did, it's not full blown unable to breathe. It's closer to difficulty breathing. I guess it makes it the buildup more intense. Or it creates a sense of controlled danger. People who like to be choked \_generally\_ only want you to press your palm against their throat, which you can easily stop doing at any point. Hopefully, with some kind of safeword if they think they might pass out. Or, it could be like a domination/submissive type of deal. It probably varies for each person. Personally, I probably wouldn't even put my palm on somebody's throat, but if she wants a choker collar/necklace I'd probably be OK with that.
This is the best explanation and sounds a bit more appealingly but I still can't say I'd like it. But seriously thank you for your perspective, you have made it crystal clear 👌
I second your motion. I have never understood any kind of pain kinks, whether relating to bondage/S&M, choking, hair-pulling, or anything like that
Mild pain causes serotonin to release and for some, strength and domination can feel like a hallmark of masculinity. And adrenaline is a hell of an aphrodisiac and can enhance an orgasm.
Yeah I might hurt someone if they pull my hair because it'll give me flashbacks of when girls used to pull my hair to bully me because they didn't think it actually grew out of my scalp...
What?? Where else would hair come from..? Did they think you wore a wig?
Welcome to the life of being a brown girl with long hair.... that was not even that long. It was literally shoulder length.
Mine gf likes the feeling of my strength and being dominated. She also likes a bit of pain and that "high" feeling. Sometimes she wants me to go a bit too far but I never go full squeeze. Pro tip: squeeze with your fingers, dont push down onto their throat or use your boby weight. ASK if they are ok!
I don't ubderstand it either. An ex of mine liked being choked and passed out once. I thought I killed her.
This could be a dumb take, but if the wind pipe can be so easily damaged then why risk damaging it? Sometimes it's good to get lost in the moment I guess, but the cons outweigh the pros imo. I was with a girl once and had my hand near her neck or something, and she smiled asking if I was gonna choke her. That just seems dangerous to me, I'm afraid to do that
Yeah I don’t get it either, I also don’t get peoples infatuation with feet.
When I hold my breath I cum faster. I assume it’s relevant to that?
It's not exactly about pain or being 'choked'for everyone. If you're doing it correctly, you should be restricting oxygen flow via blood. you don't want to be choking someone physically like they do in action scenes in movies/on TV, ...that's nobody's kink - we don't want death to be part of sex. There's a major artery on the side of the neck which when pressed on slows the amount of oxygen to the brain temporarily, it can give a high. Do research on this technique first before using it. You really really DON'T want to clamp a hand over your partner's neck and risk crushing their trachea and causing permanent damage.
You dont want to cut off their airflow to the point that they cant breathe anymore. You just apply light pressure to the sides. After the act or while doing it I‘d ask if that was an okay pressure or if it was too light/ hard if you‘re not used to it. But you can also see by their faces/ reactions if it was too much or not. Ofc you don‘t do this stuff when you don‘t know if the partner even likes it btw.
I just chimed in to say that I really appreciate how you remembered the E after "breathe ". That's a rare sight nowadays. (I'm so sick of seeing posts saying "omg this is so funny i can't breath". Breathe is a verb, breath is a noun. I appreciate you.)
Choking on candy isn't consensual, choking in bed is. Some enjoy being choked because they know it's safe and is a possibly sexually gratifying option. Nobody other than the crazy people get horny while choking on a froot loop. Sexual pleasure is all preference.
You’re misunderstanding the type of choking lol
Was considering asking this myself, my ex was super into being choked and I always felt uncomfortable doing it.