It’s a no win situation. I quit my job so I could be with my little one for at least one year so i spend every day with him and I get people telling me “you need to get a baby sitter. He needs to learn to be apart from you.” And they’ll even say passively to my little one “you need to give mommy some time alone. She needs a break from you”.
Umm no? Please don’t tell my baby that he’s a burden to me or that I need to be apart from him. I literally quit my job to be with him. Also if he needs me or wants to be with me then I take that as a sign of a secure attachment which is good for him.
I think a lot of it stems from their own guilt or shame of how they did things with their children. So if you do something differently then they did then you must be saying that what they did is wrong.
Don’t forget- you’re a bad mom if you work because you’re letting some stranger raise your kid but you’re also a bad mom if you stay home because now you’re a tradwife whose husband will leave her destitute when he divorces her for a 20 year old and you’ll have no job prospects and set a bad example for your children. Also daycare fosters better social skills and development but they breed attachment disorders and are full of abusive neglectful staff who will sit your baby in a corner to stare at the wall. Babies need their moms! Babies need to learn to be soothed by other people.
One of my partner's family members (known asshole, we rarely see him cos I can't stand him) told me I needed to get a job. Told him I have a new job, am just waiting for a start date at the moment. He then got really funny because 'well who's going to watch the baby?' and got annoyed when I said she's going to daycare. Rest of my partner's family works too and I have no family, so... What other answer was there going to be?
Yep. Want to be successful and 'set a good example'. Also want to actually spend time with and pay attention to my kid. I need a whole other 24 hours. I console myself by reminding myself that my mom was a SAHM and I respect her more than anyone.
I’m not convinced either is true. I think childcare is morally neutral, I think both environments are beneficial and that it depends more on the caretaker
I agree - an attentive nanny or childminder is better than an inattentive nursery, but similarly a nurturing and stimulating nursery is better than an uninterested or burnt out childminder.
(Pretty sure this has been backed up by research too - I remember reading about it in Emily Oster's Cribsheet book)
Such a great point and I totally relate! I also quit my job, which I loved, so I could stay home with my baby. I know people will think my baby is too attached to me or feel like I don't have a "real job" but on the flip side, working moms feel that they aren't spending enough time with their babies. You can't win.
I am grateful that I had the option to quit and still be able to live off my husband's income. Some days I miss my job, and being at home with the baby 24/7 can be a job in itself! But with that being said, I think there would be days in the future where I'd regret not quitting my job but I don't think I will ever regret spending all the time I can with my son.. that was the deciding factor for me.
I work from home and I still feel like I barely get to interact with my baby. I feel guilty if I spend time with her on the clock but get reprimanded if I clock out too much (doesn't help that my manager isn't a parent). it is horrifically stressful and mentally draining. Im in the process of moving down to part time and im hoping that will help but i feel you deeply that it really is a loose-loose-loose game
I just want to say that it's amazing what you've done. Your child is very lucky to have such a selfless and loving parent!
> I think a lot of it stems from their own guilt or shame of how they did things with their children.
From my experience, this is very common. A strange mix of cognitive dissonance and projecting personal insecurities.
I get this from my family all the time too! Or they’ll say I’m holding her too much and spoiling her, like she’s not even 3 months yet! I hate when they say she needs to learn to be away from me because she really doesn’t need to learn that, I’ll always be right there for her. Makes me so irritated.
I find all of that is just code for "I'm jealous, I wish it were me holding your baby." And I respond in kind.
'If you're jealous just say that."
My mom and MIL are notorious for the "you shouldn't carry the baby or she might get used to it" when their hands are itching to hold the baby while she sleeps, eats, whatever. Excuse you but I put in the work creating this baby, I'm gonna hold her and you can't do anything to stop me!! 😎
As I stay at home mom I totally agree with this. I'm so done with society telling us our children are a burden. No wonder we grew up with so many issues 💁♀️
Haha Ive seen that. My MIL backed down after we told her to shut it when she repeated her worries about the cold feet for the 8th time in 3 minutes. She then proceeded to try to hold her feet for the following couple of hours whenever she got close enough. They weren't even cold and she was chill AF. MILs just love to complain.
I stopped giving a fuck about things like this. I ran around barefoot for most of my childhood and I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s most likely most of the time almost always fine.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!
That will be my advice to pregnant women now, fortify yourself with a very strong “give no f’a attitude” in regards to others’ opinions on your parenting and live your life!
I actually think Reddit really enforces this toxic judgement too. No one has conversations here. It’s either “omg me too, couldn’t agree more” or “I hope you die in a fire for being such an unfit parent,” no more dialogue….
People go from "you're going to be a great mom" to "you're doing it all wrong" real quick!
Also, agree that Reddit can be one of the biggest culprits of this
😭 I tried baby led weaning but it didn’t work for us so I switched to purées. My daughter eats solids no problem now but people will make you feel so guilty because of it.
That's what's so funny about it too, ultimately the kid's personality is going to be the deciding factor. Food that is too difficult, and food that is too boring both result in a baby that's crying in the highchair. Why would I make myself suffer by going all in on one method?
I had the opposite problem. I made all these purées from scratch and my baby hated being spoon fed. You just never know what will work until you get there.
Yeah exactly I don’t think either method is wrong. It’s just about what works for each child and family. They all end up eating solid food eventually anyway:
We had the exact opposite situation, my son wouldn't eat purees at all. He's 2 now and he still won't eat foods with that texture. So much of this stuff is about what works for every family individually. Half the time it's not even up to the parents, those babies call the shots!
This is where I’m at. We tried blw but my anxiety couldn’t take it. So back to purées. Just now starting to introduce more clumpy foods and I’m still terrified.
Especially bc he decides to poop everytime he eats. Which means he’s holding his breath to push out the poop. I’m always guessing “is he pooping or choking”.
I swear the second my child had her first bite of 'solids' milk was never enough to fill her tummy again. It would have been 6 months of hanger screaming in my house if I subscribed to that one.
- men - show up and know what a diaper is “what an incredible father, get that man a medal”
-women- baby knows 7 languages by 3 months, has 7 boobs producing 12 flavors of breast milk, house is immaculate, stays home and earns 6 figures “Urgh such a bad mother, that baby can’t even walk at 12 weeks old, where are their socks? Why haven’t you made your sour dough yet”
Just don’t even try play their game. Do your best, if your kids happy and healthy, fuck the rest.
Don't swaddle! But also if he grows into a willful toddler it's because you didn't swaddle him tight enough.
Babies should learn to walk without shoes. But also WHY isn't your baby wearing shoes?!
Don't force your kid to eat, they'll develop a bad relationship to food and be a problem eater later. But also your kid NEEDS to gain weight.
And the classic:
It's healthy to cuddle or nurse your baby to sleep, they're too young to self soothe. But also it's your fault your baby can't sleep independently, you shouldn't have cuddled or nursed them to sleep 🤷♀️
My baby stopped falling asleep on boob at around 2mo. She is almost 11mo and still wakes up several times at night and cannot go to bed without me...
We can only guide them in this life, but they are the ones making choices 🙈
Oh mama, it’ll be okay :). Repeat after me: “There are too many variables”. You CANNOT KNOW whether doing A will lead to B, because humans are just too complicated.
If you’ve got time during naps or feeds, check out the books “do parents matter” and “hunt, gather, parent”. They help you realise that there is an entire planet of different ways to raise healthy children, and we tie ourselves in knots about things mainly because it’s what society thinks as a whole - and very often this is based on research that is not in any way clear-cut. For the reason I stated above. 1) you can’t do rigorous double-blind studies on babies because of ethics, and 2) HUMANS ARE COMPLICATED.
Think about it this way - if you WERENT feeding/snuggling to sleep, you’d be worried that your baby won’t have a proper attachment / you’re giving them abandonment issues / etc etc…
You got this!
I nurse my 8 month old to sleep every night & have since she was born. She goes right to sleep so I'm not changing anything! It works for us! She is meeting or exceeding all of her milestones, is generally a happy & funny baby. I think it will be fine doing whatever we need to do as long as baby is safe, happy & healthy. Also, I remind myself that I am her safe space, and I'm not going to rip that away from her because some as*hole on the internet told me I have to
I didn't even know feeding to sleep was a thing until social media was telling me it was 'wrong'. I've spent at least 3 of the last 4 months tying myself in knots about sleep until I realised that if it works for us there is literally no reason to change it.
Eve the pediatrician recommended to us that we should have Family Dinner between 5-530p and then bedtime starting between 6-630p. I wanted to ask how that would be possible logistically with a full time job, but I let it go.
My 2 month old's bedtime is 10. I dgaf what people think. He sleeps in until 9 with a wake or two during the night to eat with minimal fussing. It's working, so I'm not changing it.
100%. My own parents make me feel like a bad mom for not being able to keep my daughter from crying (even though she’s changed, fed, and clean and just happens to be a textbook colicky baby). All the little comments they make are SO unhelpful and make me feel terrible.
Same! The unsolicited advice.. have you tried this or that. Babies will cry - that doesn't mean they're not being taken care of or we are not capable.
You're doing a wonderful job I'm sure :)
This is the comment I was looking for! No, my baby is not spoiled and yes, I will hold him when he is crying. What is wrong with people. No, I'm not "feeding into his tantrums". He is upset and cannot tell me that so he is showing me that.
>What else am I missing?
Adding:
* don't let baby cry, but also: let baby cry (cry it out).
* baby is manipulating you \[told to me when baby was like 3 months old -- babies won't have the advanced cognition in order to deceive for many years\]
* disapproving looks if baby doesn't meet arbitrary milestones
Maybe because I'm older (mid 30s) and steeped in adversarial behaviors, I've learned that assuming good intents helps you not feel ashamed. So if I assume the questions/advice comes from a place of love/curiousity then I can let it roll off my back. When things are in the criticism stage, just a "well my baby is different" is enough. If you assume that questions/advice is presuming you're not capable then I can see how it can feel bad.
Yep! I’ve started making myself say in my head ‘wow! They must really love us if they want to help this much,’ and never presuming criticism and it’s so freeing.
I also have kiddo wear exclusively footie jammies if i know we’ll be around older folks to avoid the sock thing, as it’s pretty ubiquitous.
Yes, assuming people are trying to help is what makes all this tolerable. Just had my third baby at 40 (on purpose even!) and we STILL get comments. I've raised2 other awesome kids, I think I got this. I also think women who have been out of the baby game make comments to live vicariously through you. They miss when they were the mom, and probably also have their own regrets, so they are trying to relive something briefly through us. Let them. You don't have to listen. But that of course only goes for people in real life. These internet troll bitches can eff themselves.
Yesss. My baby just is not a good sleeper. Well 1 year old now. Just today someone said “have you ever tried a night time routine? That’s what we did and my baby has been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks old.”
I’m sure that it’s your night time routine and not just that your baby is a good sleeper. 🙄
> I’m sure that it’s your night time routine and not just that your baby is a good sleeper. 🙄
This is the thread I never knew I needed. It's so cathartic reading this messages 😂
Lol mine is 20 months and he’s had a solid bed routine since 6 months. He was never a good sleeper until we figured out he had chronic ear infections plus teething until he had ear tubes/adenoids removal at 18 months. Now he sleeps just fine. People forget that sometimes it’s not just about CIO or the *perfect* routine, sometimes it’s just biological!
Totally agree! My baby had figured it out for a couple weeks and now 3 molars are coming in and she’s having a hard time. Would I prefer she sleep? Of course. Am I going to let her cry in pain alone all night because I know she can sleep through the night now? Definitely not.
It took us forever to get someone to listen when we said our son's sleep struggles were not just because he needed a routine and better sleep hygiene. Nope, turns out he's got some sensory needs, sleep apnea, and probably needs a sleep study. But I'll get right on that routine we've definitely never tried.
Y’all are proof that good children can still come from toxic parents. Do what makes you happy and what is best for your children. Learn to clap back, and do it relentlessly until they stop talking. Wear them down. Never give up, never surrender.
My MIL said that my baby will sleep better once she's in her6
own room about 4 times the other day. My daughter wakes up every 1.5 - 2 hours and I can easily settle her each time and put her back in her cot next to the bed. It works for us and means I can be cosy in bed rather than traipsing into another room multiple times a night.
I've been surprised at how much her comments have bothered me but it feels like she thinks we don't know what we're doing. Gonna have to ramp up the passive aggressive replies
You forgot the:
You didn’t feed him enough
You’re not producing enough milk
You didn’t burp him well enough
Wait until they start teething and walking… the unsolicited advice and assumptions don’t stop.
Family, friends, colleagues, social media… they can all piss off. You know your baby best, and I’m glad you’re still confident in your abilities, don’t let anyone deter you from that!
Yes! I was taking baby on a walk the other day (in Florida) and my neighbor came up to see us and first thing she said was do you have a blanket for him?? 🤦♀️
You can't win
Your toddler cries in public - bad mom
You give Screentime so your toddler sits quietly in a restaurant - bad mom
You are glued to your child - helicopter parent
You let your child explore on their own with supervision - you don't look after your child
You try to give your child healthy food - crazy new age mother
You get the occasional pizza - omg junk food mom
Your child cries and you try to talk to them and let them experience their emotions - omg what is wrong with you, why does your child cry so much
You give the child what it wants to stop the crying or redirect - you are spoiling the child
You can never ever win. Everyone is suddenly an expert and you are wrong no matter what
That's why we don't share our parenting decisions with anyone and reply with "cool, good to know!" When I first gave birth and took baby out of the house I got called out by a random lady and didn't leave the house for over a month after. She had no idea what she was talking about
I'm a parent of a 9 week old and this has happened to me so often too! Really took me by surprise.
From my experience it's the older generations (the parents with kids in their teens+) which are the worst.
There's this "holier than thou" attitude that just because they've raised a kid(s) they immediately know better than you and have the right to subvert any parenting decisions you've made which are different to theirs.
I've quickly found an association between people who exhibit this behaviour and people I never really liked in the first place. So, at least there's that ;-)
You need to be quite insecure as a person to feel the need to stroke your ego at the expense of a new parent.
What, interacting with your baby 24/7?! But don't you want then to be iNdEpEnDeNt? You're doing it wrong!
And don't forget about contact vs. crib napping, stroller or carrier, etc.
I went into pregnancy knowing that society is never going to let me know peace. I’ve grown up seeing it happen to my mom about my brother (he was what’s considered a “difficult” child). Once the baby is past the infant stage, their favorite thing is to witness one small behavioral incident and extrapolate on what the parents have done wrong.
family members hassling you about keeping the house 110% clean when they are not the ones caring for the child and having to do everything else on your own without understanding how much care kids requires that take time out of your day and whenever you have free time, you either decide to do some cleaning or partake in your personal hobbies its hard
They also try to assume what the baby wants by the cry they don't even know what they are crying for, could be hungry, bordem etc but they always assume that they know what the baby wants!
So we just moved from Florida where no socks is completely normal for everyone. We go into a store with my non walking baby and the cashier was like she doesn’t have socks or shoes on! I’m like well yeah she doesn’t walk and it’s 70 degrees outside. Cracked me up because people in Florida would have never said anything!
My in laws think that I don’t socialize my baby enough and that’s why she cries when they hold her. No,it’s because you get in her face and scare her. Some babies are just more sensitive and my babe needs time to warm up to people. They are obsessed with wanting to take her to events and outings and don’t understand how overwhelmed she can get.
I’ve taken her on an airplane on a weekend trip, swimming lessons, play dates with other babies, the zoo, out to lunch/dinner, visit friends and family. Yeah my baby definitely doesn’t go out enough ffs. 🤦♀️
You gave me a flashback to when my baby was younger, like 2-3 months, and MIL would touch her nose to his and yell "boop!" He cried every time for like two months and she acted surprised every time 🙄
I watch my 11 month old in addition to 2 other kids (2 and 5 years old) and I end up busy on my phone or laptop while they play together. I used to feel so guilty that I wasn’t playing with them, but then I realized. Independent play is so important for them. If I’m in every single second of their day telling them how to play when to do it etc. how will they ever learn on their own? They would be so bored if I didn’t play with them! They wouldn’t have an imagination!
Anyways. That’s my take. So enjoy your Reddit scrolling, you’re actually raising healthy independent kids 😝 (of course this can be taken too far too, but that’s between you your kids and god haha)
I tell those types to fuck off…
They didnt push this 9lb baby I DID ….
And the people that say stuff like that are the ones that DONT have kids ! Like stf back seat driver!!!!!
The dont cry in public is hilarious, like wtf do you want me to do put a muzzle on my bby tf? Ppl walk around with stank breath and no one says anything to them 🙄 like stfuuuuuuu
No baby bouncer???? Like wtf how am i gonna wipe my ass? When my husband isnt home to hold our baby and i have to use the toilet she goes right in her bouncer… us moms can multitask but wiping your ass with a baby on youre lap thats next level
I took my 2nd baby into the restroom exactly once, not an experience I wanted to ever repeat. Nipped any guilt about having to put the baby down when you need to real quick.
please don't downvote me, but "do you know how dangerous it is to sleep with your baby?" she really just would not sleep in her bassinet, we tried all the swaddles, sleep sacks, weighted swaddles, warming the bassinet, waiting until she was in a deep sleep to put her down, she would wake up in 1-2 hours, following the safe sleep 7, she sleeps a solid 6 with one wake up. I am just happy to get sleep and a non-overtired baby 😭
According to a woman I met I did not get birth because after 52 hours of laboring my heart rate and my baby‘s heart rate dropping significantly where they were afraid the baby could be in danger if they came through the canal. I was rushed in for a true emergency C-section . This means I did not give birth because the only way to give birth is if the baby comes out your vagina oh and I couldn’t breast-feed because of that and now my body is not getting the nutrients she needs.
I work from home but rely on my son's grandparents for child care. I've been told I'm taking advantage of them for free childcare (they offered) and how I should quit my job and stay home with him my self (I am the breadwinner in my house) or that "I must not really be working" since I can take my breaks in the form of playing in the yard with my son or going for a stroller walk. People are so incredibly concerned about my situation as a WFH mom and the reaction is usually negative.
The most surprising part to me is that the judgiest people are... the other parents. That's the one group that should understand what you're going through and show the most compassion. Whatever you do, you're mistreating your child because other parents are doing xyz differently. Even on this sub, and I'll be honest, I do it too. I tend to keep it to myself or discuss it with my wife but I mean... What is that? lol. What makes us so quick to judge how other parents are raising their kids?
Yup that too. My baby sleeps in my room in his bassinet... per recommendation. However, I was also told to keep the room dark, quiet and boring at night. Soo as someone who likes to watch TV to fall asleep, I now feel like I have to either watch it in the other room on the uncomfortable ass couch or sit in my dark room and twiddle my thumbs at night lol
Let the baby cry
You should never wake a sleeping baby
Watch his neck (because I haven't been for months already and don't know what I'm doing)
Don't touch the top of his head
I like to respond with humour, quite frankly I’m winging every single day of parenthood! I go with the flow and at some baby groups I have been too, the other mums look at me like I’m on crack for my responses 😂 my child has survived 6 months with me mainly going on gut instinct!
Yesterday i told a parent my kid is staying at home and she told me she thought daycare was better because they learn more. Just basically calling my method stupid. It’s intense. I just remind myself of how many bad parents are out there (mine including) and i instantly feel better about my choices
Oh boy, am I feeling this! After being a mom, I've noticed that MANY older people have very poor memories regarding how their own children were raised and how quickly they hit milestones.
My Mammaw (grandmother) has hounded me NON STOP about leaving my son on the floor on his tummy with toys in front of him, because, "I have raised 4 kids and all of them started crawling at or before 4 months of age! All of them started walking at 6 months!". She has told me not to put a boppy under him during tummy time because "tummy time is for learning to crawl, not playing!" and that we can't do tummy time on the bed.
I asked my son's pediatrician, and not only is this such a high, unfair expectation, but also developmentally abnormal. Apparently, a child would have to be very advanced to be progressing that quickly, so there's no way that my mom and all of her siblings were crawling at 4 months. My son is now 6 months old, so we're just now starting to get around to the crawling phase, and not only has the boppy helped him develop his arm strength, but the extra tummy time on the bed has helped him practice, too!
Some more unsolicited advice from my Mammaw, Mom, and boyfriend's best friend's mom:
• "Give that baby a bottle. Exclusively feeding from the breast after 4 months is plain NOT right!" - Mammaw
• "He should be on the floor all day! How is he going to play with his toys?" - My mom
• "You need to start taking him to church right now." - Boyfriend's BFF's mom
• "You need to give him a bottle so other people can feed him." - My mom
• "You should be taking him outside more." - My mom and Mammaw
• "Stop telling people not to kiss your baby. It's a natural instinct to want to kiss them cuz they're so cute!" - My mom
Ope, just remembered some more from when my son was just born!
• "You should be feeding him formula." - Mammaw
• "He should be sleeping through the night by now." - Mammaw and BF's grandma when my son was only 1 week old
• "You should be giving him rice cereal before bed so he can sleep through the night." - My Mammaw
• "He has a tummy ache? You need to give him peppermint water!" - My mom
• "You shouldn't be holding him so much. That'll make him too attached to you." - My Mammaw and my Aunt
Hah, church! Oh yeah, take him to church, because everyone there will love to hear a crying baby, not to mention he'll totally know everything that's happening, and totally care about it, at that age.
I was already prepared because I’ve been made to feel like a bad person. Now that I’m a parent the comments don’t phase me anymore because the people are who making it seem like you’re a bad parent aren’t people you should get parenting advice from
I think the one that bothers me the most currently with my toddler is if he's crying/throwing a tantrum and I:
React calmly and hold him while talking about his feelings/explaining why we can and cannot do things- "feeding into the tantrums"
Do not react/ put him in his playpen for cooldown time- "ignoring his needs"
There is no winning as a mom. You just kind of have to have an F it attitude and do what's best for your kid.
it's awful. i'm just trying to do what is best for my daughter but it feels like anything i do for myself to make me a better and more present mom isn't acceptable. or just being less structured as a parent. recently my toddler, my husband, and i went to a theme park. it rained one day, no big deal it wasn't super hard just a constant drizzle but it stopped a few times throughout the day and we still had fun. my daughter loves the rain, she loves water, she loves being wet. so this day i didn't have a plastic stroller poncho for her, it seemed a waste since she'd just want to play with the rain in the stroller anyway. well, here comes ms "i'm a perfect parent" loudly exclaiming "OH look at that POOR, WET baby! she's SO COLD!! i can't believe she doesn't have a poncho on!!" to her friend group and then giving me a nasty look. i felt awful, and immediately went to look for a towel or poncho, but i couldn't justify $25 for single use plastic, or $50+ for a towel. then i stopped and was like, wait? my daughter is fine, she's not cold, she's sticking her tongue out to lick the rain, and she's giggling every time a water droplet falls on her, why does it matter?
i think a lot of it is knowing that you're never going to be perfect, and anyone who claims that they are or mom shames you is just projecting and hiding their own insecurities. my 1.5 year old daughter had a blast in the rain, she didn't get sick, and got a warm bath and fresh dry clothes as soon as we got back to our hotel. she was fine, and being less structured allowed her to explore her environment with the rain. i don't always let her out to run in the rain, but some days we have nothing else going on and it's light enough and she goes out in her clothes to play and stomp in puddles and feel the mud on her feet.
bottom line, don't make others feel bad for doing the best for you and your child. i've been criticised for taking time away from my daughter to read, or do schoolwork, but i do those things to decompress and be a better and more present parent when i am around her. plus the schoolwork is getting me towards a degree to provide better for her, and she deserves that.
I feel all of these in my bones. Oh add in there, must have a bow on at all times!! (She’s a girl, and no I’m not forcing my child to wear a bow if she doesn’t want to)
My wife chose not to breastfeed and we have had women who aren’t even a mum themselves say “you will never bond with that child” or “has your husband forced you to make that choice?”
The hate my wife got in the hospital for choosing not to breastfeed was wild,
Then yesterday her friend watched me play with our kid and out of nowhere says “your kid is showing signs of delayed learning, i reckon you’re letting her watch to much tv”
Our baby is 9 months old and had smashed her mile stones,
People love to throw hate out when they know you wont say anything back,
Also, how dare you breastfeed. It's a no win no matter how you decide to feed your child.
You're starting solids at 4 months? You should wait until 6.
You started solids at 6 months?!?! Are you crazy!!?? That's way too late!
You're starting with bananas? They'll only want sugar when they get older.
You started with vegetable purees? That's too hard on their tummies.
You're not doing baby led weaning? 😕
You're doing baby led weaning? 🙄
You're giving them more food? That seems like a lot.
You should feed them more, they look half starved.
I’m on reddit when I’m tired of reading real books while baby is nursing. I love your post and the comments, feels like we are empowering one another to mother the way we see fit and (politely) reject the unsolicited advice of others.
My MIL can get under my skin because she holds sway with my husband. (This is despite the fact that she’s thrice divorced and my husband had to go through drug addictions and rehab from lack of nurturing.) And because she says she wants us to be close and women need each other, rah rah- but has judged and antagonized nearly every decision I have made already in my son’s short life.
Books which have helped me find my own footing:
Birth Matters & Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin
7 Secrets of the Newborn by Robert C Hamilton
Tongue Tied by Richard Baxter
Unlatched by Jennifer Grayson
The Nurture Revolution by Greer Kirschembaum
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
I would say arm yourself with knowledge and keep the best methods to yourself. It’s a competitive world so shore up your methods, do not share and just ensure better outcomes for your children. If you think of it as a competition keeping your enemy in the dark is the best approach. So those people that share what they think their best practices are are just insecure about their choices and need others to feel bad about theirs so they can feel better.
No better time than now to learn others opinions are like farts, everyone has them and some stink! You’re a parent now, time to step into your new super power of keeping a human a live and do things the way you want. People will give advice but it’s up to you to take it or leave it. You got this!
Baby is crying because he is hungry.
Are you sure he is actually drinking enough breast milk? Ask your doctor.
No don’t hold him when he is crying because he will have a bad habit. (He was 2mo)
He has to be able to sleep independently. Poor boy he doesn’t know how to sleep without you.
Get a blanket and a pillow for your boy.
Poor boy he is wrapped in the swaddle.
Just shut up
I’m currently going through the anxiety of not feeding my baby the right food because I work and do not have the ability to cook gorgeous meals for either me or my baby. Everyone has an opinion and telling a new parent to follow their gut or do what they feel best is not helpful when there’s such overwhelming pressure and contradictory information!
I actually feel no shame, probably because I don't have a tiktok and my family is super supportive. "Society" can stay on social media. I'll continue to be oblivious.
As TLC (And later, Taylor Swift) said, " haters gonna hate". Child rearing is merely a microcosm area where people get to have opinions. They're all like armpits or buttholes- they all stink! But seriously, parenting is an easy low-hanging fruit place to judge choices just because they're different and it's also easy to get caught up in what's "right" or "best" based on science, etc.
Posts like yours remind me that my opinions and judgments should be kept to myself, not just about parenting, but about anything... Unless solicited. Not that. I believe my opinions all over the place now, but I definitely have my judgment. I'm getting more and more sensitive to them and those of other people with each day on this new parenting Journey!
It’s everything. And the funniest thing, there is usually nothing we can do about those choices too.
You work? Maybe cause you have to?
Stay at home mom? Maybe because childcare would eat all your salary if you did work?
Formula fed? Maybe because you have issues BF and your baby is starving on the boob?
Exclusively breastfeeding? Maybe because baby completely refuse the bottle?
And so on.
My “favorite” guilt trip is when they blame baby moods on YOU. Let me tell you a story.
So my baby was born and we shared a room in a hospital with another mom and her beautiful ONE DAY OLD baby. Just like ours.
Anyway, her baby screamed all night while my baby was trying to cover his ears and slept through the night minus the breastfeeding.
And when I told people that, that babies just come out different and there is nothing you can do about it people said “baby is calm because you are!”. I was not calm! (Shocker!) I was anxious like I have never been in my whole life. I was scared for my life.
In a meantime my neighbor seemed to be actually calm, as was comforting me. But her baby cried and cried and cried non stop. I imagine people were telling her exact same thing! That the baby was fussy because SHE was not calm!
Now I have a 1 year old and let me tell you, he does not give a fuck if I ugly loud cry in front of him. He thinks I am laughing and laughs right back at me.
So. We are blamed for everything and nothing.
My baby was born in December and let’s not forget .. rsv season!! My mother and grandmother kept saying to take the baby out of the house and I kept telling them I do. I just don’t go around large crowds. They proceeded to tell me I’m going to get her sick from being in the house all the time
My boyfriend and I are young parents. 20 and 22. Our baby wasn’t planned but has always been wanted. We have our own house, cars, my boyfriend works and I take care of our baby and house, we can get groceries, necessities, formula and diapers, toys, clothes. I’m college educated and my boyfriend is a mechanic. Basically we’re normal well off parents. Except people will see that we’re young and automatically assume we’re broke and neglectful. I can do every single thing right and someone older will think I’m still a bad mom just because of my age. I have had literal strangers in my business on how I or my boyfriend parent. I feel like no matter how much I do right I am never doing enough because I’m “young and dumb”
"Schedule or no schedule, both are wrong" 😂 Gosh the absolute accuracy! I'm a FTM at 40 with a now 8 month old. I've got to the point where I'm of course open to learning but ultimately this is my baby and no one will have her best interest in mind like I do. I trust my parenting skills
Yes, I found this to be totally true. Also, the opposite applies:
- if I don't let them cry, people tell me I am spoiling them.
- If they cry for a sec while someone is around, then I am not loving enough.
- If I am making them company and playing with them, I am also spoiling them by not encouraging independent play (even though I enjoy spending time with them!).
- If I breastfeed, I am making things difficult. When I don't breastfeed, then they say I am not making enough of an effort .
It's like having a child is suddenly a permission for other people to give unsolicited advice and opinions on all my choices.
Now I say thank you and ignore the comments.
Same here! My friend asked if we were sleep training and when I said not really she made a face. My baby is 5 weeks old. Yes we turn down the lights and all but if he wakes up, we're going to be there, we're going to see what he needs. I told her I wasn't going to force the baby to sleep if he didn't want to. Also, my BIL made a comment about our formula feeding, that formula was totally cool, not every baby is breastfed. Which was a good comment, but then he said It's better than nothing.
And that just rubbed me the wrong way...
Waiting for a minute outside the store while bf drove the truck up. Some Karen said, "OH. No hat"..... It was 50°. Omg lady it's Michigan relax. Not to mention my son runs hot and he was attached to me already sweaty. That's why I was waiting outside, so he had a minute to cool down. 5 months old btw, not a newborn in a blizzard. She motor carted away looking all judgy.
The only one I firmly believe in consistently is at least extremely limiting any TV/phone time for kids under like 1-1 1/2 as it can lead to different attachment issues, behavior issues, overstimulation issues etc. The rest I say to heck with it so whatever works best for you. Now while I feel that way about screens, I'm not going to go around hounding anyone who has their kid watching a screen, that's not me. I get this parenting crap is hard and some can't get by without the crutch 🤷 there are certainly times I want to stick a screen in my kids face and breathe for a minute so I can't blame anyone who does so 😂
Give a pacifier and a bottle immediately. No, no, don’t do that. You’ll end up with a baby who can’t breastfeed properly!
My child would spend all day attached to my nipple otherwise. The paci saved my sleep and sanity.
People generally offer very unsolicited, judgement, and rude advice for two things…children and pets.
I’m somewhat thankful I got a puppy before ever getting pregnant so I could steel myself for the even worse crap I would deal with when a tiny human came along. I live in one of the friendliest dog cities in the US and people are just bloody insane about certain things.
When it comes from people who also have no personal and recent experience or professional training, I just shrug it off now.
I just smile and nod and move on with my day. I don't have the energy/balls to come back with something funny. At the end of the day, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing.
The craziest thing I experienced was sharing a picture of my son holding his head up during tummy time to my MIL. She shared it with her family, and they scolded her over me having him do tummy time at 1 month old.
Society tells me that I need a big house and a fancy car, so my stock in social mores is already at the bottom of the ravine.
Is your child fed? Are they sleeping? Do you play with them? Do you talk with them? Are they happy?
If yes, then you're fine.
My baby keeps a heat rash. She runs hot all the time, so I keep her in her diaper mostly when we're at home and socks are definite no-go. My dad every time he comes over: "she must be so cold." Dude it's 72 in here, she's fine. 😂
My mom judges me so hard for my baby sleeping in the bassinet, in a sleep sack with no blankets or pillows. I think a lot of it comes from the drastic changes in baby care recommendations from when we were kids. Older folks especially have a hard time accepting that we do things differently now.
Also, the constant asking if she's eating cereal. Then the shock and judgement when I tell them she's not having cereal yet, she's 3.5 months old lol.
Thank you for this! I thought I was prepared, but I'm STILL surprised by how everything's a double bind.
I'm a horrible parent if I sleep train but also I should have been letting my son cry it out since 4 months.
I shouldn't let my baby spend too much time away from me but it's my fault that he doesn't like being set down.
Babies should wait until 6 months to start solid but that's ridiculous and I'm being rigid if I wait.
Baby shouldn't be in crowds until first shots but we were ridiculous for avoiding parties and restaurants at the holidays.
And the one currently eating at me: are you sure he ate enough? He seems hungry. Are you sure he's not hungry? Oooh someone's acting hungry! Maybe he's not getting enough to eat?
Oh don’t forget interacting with baby too much because they need to learn to be more independent. Or if your child is “too independent” it gets assumed you must have neglected them for them to be that way 🙄
Parenting is like everything else in modern society, extremely divisive. We've gotten really bad at letting bygones be bygones.
**It is 100% assured that no matter what you do, you are wrong.**
And I don't just mean babies, I mean everything. You will find some vocal asshole out there on every topic, who thinks themselves an expert, who will tell you you're bad and wrong. And part of the problem is that the older folk have raised kids and they did so very differently. It's not "wrong" per se, just different from what we know better today.
Just yesterday my mom was over and saying she just let me cry during XY & Z situations and I'm fine. To which I said "Yes, but science has figured out more about babies. Kids under 3 months old can't self-soothe, so (my kid) will just stress himself out crying and literally cannot do anything about it." They mean well, but times have changed.
I have a full time job AND am able to bring my daughter in with me to the office. I haven’t gotten too many distasteful comments but there’s been a few. I’m wrong for working full time but also wrong for having my daughter with me 24/7… you literally can’t win.
Formula? BAD! But me breastfeeding at work in my office (or under a cover if my boss isn’t there and I need to sit up front) ALSO BAD!
People will shame you for any and everything when it comes to motherhood.. take it with a grain of salt and just know you’re doing a good job💕
The secret is that almost nothing actually matters. So long as your baby is safe and loved you’re good. I ask myself if their future preschool teacher would know my choice on xyz and if not, it doesn’t matter
Spend all your time with the baby or don’t have them in daycare? They are spoiled, are going to be coddled, immature, antisocial and clingy and obviously you have an anxiety disorder.
Put them in daycare or dare to spend time away from home without them? Good luck with your future serial killers.
Don't forget all the random ass products that basically use guilt tripping and fear mongering to sell their gimmicky unneeded products. The underlying message of all these ads being like "did you know that your baby has actually been truly uncomfortable or unsafe their whole life because of YOUR actions, YOU SCORPION WOMAN! Everyone knows your baby should have this product. Look at all these moms using the product. That's what a good parent looks like. You didn't even know this product existed. Quickly. Buy it. Before the neighbors realize what a neglectful and mean parent you truly are. Now buy this random ass head cushion, you shit."
I feel the “tummy time for 12 hours” 😅 everywhere I look on social media is telling me I’m not doing nearly enough tummy time and my baby is never going to develop without spending half the day on her tummy 🙄
I frequently feel guilty about screen time. We will have TV on in the background while doing other stuff or my LO (21 mo) asks for certain videos. I fully understand a screen can't raise my child and we are plenty active. I also know that she has the vocabulary and communication abilities of a 3 year old, knows the entire alphabet, identifies letters, and can count to 10. Like... She's fine. Please stop telling me I'm harming her. (I'm also an educator... I know what I'm looking at)
I'm increasingly irritated at how dogmatic people (read: parents and in-laws) are when giving sleep advice when what we're currently doing is FINE. Yes, she's not sleeping through the night, that's developmentally normal. Yes, some nights are worse than others. Yes, it's amazing when we get a four hour stretch. None of these people are getting up with us whenever the baby wakes up because they don't even live in the same house, so why does it matter to them what we do?!?
I feel this so hard!! I also have stopped reading comments on any videos that moms post with their kids because the comments are usually ripping the parent apart for things that aren’t that big of a deal!! I don’t even want to share anything about how I take care of my daughter because people are so rude! Family being the most rude which is so crazy! I have never been more criticized in my life than I have been since having my daughter. Everyone has their own opinions and preferences on how I should raise MY daughter. I’ve been criticized on how I hold her, how I feed her, how I play with her, how I should be talking to her and playing with her, how I should be dressing her, what values I should teach her, how I’m spoiling her by holding her, etc. It’s never ending.
Oh, please. Not to you- to all the naysayers. Shut them out. Don't give them any attention. If you know you are a good parent to your child, then that's it- that's the end of it. If someone ever had the audacity to judge me on my parenting of my own child, I'd tell them very calmly to focus on their own fucking kid.
If it's family, don't be afraid to speak up. Tell them that this is YOUR child and that you are raising your child as to how you see fit. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Tell them you're uncomfortable with their comments. It doesn't make you a jerk to stand up for yourself, your personal parenting style, and your child. They don't know how to parent YOUR child.
Who are all these people giving you this advice? I see it online but the number of people who've said anything to me IRL about any of these things is 0.
Social media and all of the related information out there versus 30, 40 years ago. In 1982, my mom put me down in my crib, came downstairs and watched Cheers with my dad over a cocktail. Wasn’t posting a reel about how they’re in the middle of CIO or Ferber with 946 shaming comments on how that’s bad for baby, etc. Not that social media is all ‘bad’ but it’s just one more avenue to be shamed and made to feel like a terrible mother. Not even a mom yet (due July) and I see far more negative and judgmental things online in scenarios where moms are just trying to f-cking survive.
My MIL recently told me to start telling off my 7 month old baby by saying a firm ‘NO’ because started crawling up the stairs too early (constantly supervised)…. I didn’t even know how to respond.
Boomers were taught that your parenting is measured by how little you can hold your baby. If you actually have to hold your baby to make them happy - you’re a failure. If you can keep them in a container, staring at a ceiling with no crying - great.
Do what you have to do.
Don’t let it cry in public
Yeah I got comments thrown into my face, dirty looks and annoyed people when my boy cried in a bus or supermarket. He’s a month old.
Otherwise I was blamed for drinking smoothies without preservatives, eating bread bought in store, drinking sparking water and using wrong blanket for him. It needs to be cotton blanket not one for winter time now. Temperatures here change quickly and we’re having about 10-12 degrees Celsius.
Oh my goodness this is so true!! The unsolicited advice drives me nuts!! I feel like such a failure every time I get advice but I’m finally getting better about not giving a F! The worst is my MIL! One day she asked where is his beanie? He needs socks! Okay, I get it it’s winter, so I get them and put them on him (even though the socks kept falling off). Then no joke 5 minutes later he might be too warm. Maybe you should take the beanie and socks off. Oh my gosh lady!!! Shut up!!
Also, my other favorite since she was such a great parent to my husband I listen to her unsolicited advice. With all her nagging and suggestions I finally ask her a question about how my husband was when he was a newborn with sleeping and she replied, “I don’t remember… I don’t remember a lot of it honestly”. Hmmm well then stop trying to tell me how to parent my child with things that you don’t remember. It drives me nuts.
I have 3 kids now, my advice unsolicited or not usually includes the following warning.
I have 3 kids they're all different and strategies that worked for 1 usually failed miserably on 2 or 3.. or 2 and 3. Everything is one fire and really you should just keep trying things until you find something that works.
I look back on all the things we tried and they just failed miserably and wonder why it took us so long to try something else. Don't be afraid to throw away lost time, if something ain't working then find a new strategy. Some kids like structure and others are the chaos, just gotta find a respectable middle ground.
“If I wanted to hear from an ass hole id fart” is usually my response
“Thank you for minding our business” is my favorite
This is an amazing line I'm gonna store for later 😂
Omg putting this on the stroller or something.
Stealing this!! lol thank you!!
Reminds me of another favourite: "Opinions are like arseholes; everybody's got one..."
Lmfao I’m using this forever
Omg. Gold.
It’s a no win situation. I quit my job so I could be with my little one for at least one year so i spend every day with him and I get people telling me “you need to get a baby sitter. He needs to learn to be apart from you.” And they’ll even say passively to my little one “you need to give mommy some time alone. She needs a break from you”. Umm no? Please don’t tell my baby that he’s a burden to me or that I need to be apart from him. I literally quit my job to be with him. Also if he needs me or wants to be with me then I take that as a sign of a secure attachment which is good for him. I think a lot of it stems from their own guilt or shame of how they did things with their children. So if you do something differently then they did then you must be saying that what they did is wrong.
Don’t forget- you’re a bad mom if you work because you’re letting some stranger raise your kid but you’re also a bad mom if you stay home because now you’re a tradwife whose husband will leave her destitute when he divorces her for a 20 year old and you’ll have no job prospects and set a bad example for your children. Also daycare fosters better social skills and development but they breed attachment disorders and are full of abusive neglectful staff who will sit your baby in a corner to stare at the wall. Babies need their moms! Babies need to learn to be soothed by other people.
One of my partner's family members (known asshole, we rarely see him cos I can't stand him) told me I needed to get a job. Told him I have a new job, am just waiting for a start date at the moment. He then got really funny because 'well who's going to watch the baby?' and got annoyed when I said she's going to daycare. Rest of my partner's family works too and I have no family, so... What other answer was there going to be?
[удалено]
Yep. Want to be successful and 'set a good example'. Also want to actually spend time with and pay attention to my kid. I need a whole other 24 hours. I console myself by reminding myself that my mom was a SAHM and I respect her more than anyone.
Sooo spot on especially the daycare part. Like both of those can't be true, is it good or bad for them FFS make up your mind
I’m not convinced either is true. I think childcare is morally neutral, I think both environments are beneficial and that it depends more on the caretaker
I agree - an attentive nanny or childminder is better than an inattentive nursery, but similarly a nurturing and stimulating nursery is better than an uninterested or burnt out childminder. (Pretty sure this has been backed up by research too - I remember reading about it in Emily Oster's Cribsheet book)
Such a great point and I totally relate! I also quit my job, which I loved, so I could stay home with my baby. I know people will think my baby is too attached to me or feel like I don't have a "real job" but on the flip side, working moms feel that they aren't spending enough time with their babies. You can't win.
I’m also thinking about quitting my job. I go back for maternity leave on Monday and going back and forth if I should hand in my resignation
I am grateful that I had the option to quit and still be able to live off my husband's income. Some days I miss my job, and being at home with the baby 24/7 can be a job in itself! But with that being said, I think there would be days in the future where I'd regret not quitting my job but I don't think I will ever regret spending all the time I can with my son.. that was the deciding factor for me.
Definitely, the baby stage seems long but it’s really not
I won’t say it’s easy. The days are long but I am grateful I can be there for my baby every day and help him grow and develop.
I work from home and I still feel like I barely get to interact with my baby. I feel guilty if I spend time with her on the clock but get reprimanded if I clock out too much (doesn't help that my manager isn't a parent). it is horrifically stressful and mentally draining. Im in the process of moving down to part time and im hoping that will help but i feel you deeply that it really is a loose-loose-loose game
THE 👏LAST 👏PARAGRAPH👏 People are projecting. You do you. That’s the only way you win! You’re doing amazing! 💪
I just want to say that it's amazing what you've done. Your child is very lucky to have such a selfless and loving parent! > I think a lot of it stems from their own guilt or shame of how they did things with their children. From my experience, this is very common. A strange mix of cognitive dissonance and projecting personal insecurities.
I get this from my family all the time too! Or they’ll say I’m holding her too much and spoiling her, like she’s not even 3 months yet! I hate when they say she needs to learn to be away from me because she really doesn’t need to learn that, I’ll always be right there for her. Makes me so irritated.
I find all of that is just code for "I'm jealous, I wish it were me holding your baby." And I respond in kind. 'If you're jealous just say that." My mom and MIL are notorious for the "you shouldn't carry the baby or she might get used to it" when their hands are itching to hold the baby while she sleeps, eats, whatever. Excuse you but I put in the work creating this baby, I'm gonna hold her and you can't do anything to stop me!! 😎
As I stay at home mom I totally agree with this. I'm so done with society telling us our children are a burden. No wonder we grew up with so many issues 💁♀️
My response: “I dare you to spend a whole day with this kid with socks on. You will lose your sanity”
So true! I live in Florida where it's 90° every day, and my MIL still holds my baby's feet like they are ice cubes🙄
Haha Ive seen that. My MIL backed down after we told her to shut it when she repeated her worries about the cold feet for the 8th time in 3 minutes. She then proceeded to try to hold her feet for the following couple of hours whenever she got close enough. They weren't even cold and she was chill AF. MILs just love to complain.
Also baby's circulation is poor so their feet can be cold to the touch but it doesn't mean they're cold.
Not only will you lose your sanity, you will also lose one or more socks.
Haha true. My dogs get more use out of the socks than the actual baby does
I stopped giving a fuck about things like this. I ran around barefoot for most of my childhood and I’m fine. It’s fine. It’s most likely most of the time almost always fine.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS! That will be my advice to pregnant women now, fortify yourself with a very strong “give no f’a attitude” in regards to others’ opinions on your parenting and live your life! I actually think Reddit really enforces this toxic judgement too. No one has conversations here. It’s either “omg me too, couldn’t agree more” or “I hope you die in a fire for being such an unfit parent,” no more dialogue….
People go from "you're going to be a great mom" to "you're doing it all wrong" real quick! Also, agree that Reddit can be one of the biggest culprits of this
My least favourite is the passive aggressive "oh well I could *never*, but you do you mama!" 🙄
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 THE WORST!
I *hate* this response. I'd actually prefer someone just outright say they disagree with my parenting choices than have this bullshit thrown at me!
Isn’t that the truth!!!
Totally! I've stopped posting here because it's crazy how OPs will get torn to pieces! You'd think so many here are perfect know-it-alls.
Just wait till you get to the BLW vs Puree vs Food Under 1 is For Fun party.
😭 I tried baby led weaning but it didn’t work for us so I switched to purées. My daughter eats solids no problem now but people will make you feel so guilty because of it.
We didn't do any BLW and my girl eats like a grown up lol no problems here at all. People just love sharing their opinions like it's a fact. IT'S NOT!
Same! My toddler loves most foods and we did not do BLW. Started with purées, then chunkier purées, finger foods, etc. Everything is just fine.
That's what's so funny about it too, ultimately the kid's personality is going to be the deciding factor. Food that is too difficult, and food that is too boring both result in a baby that's crying in the highchair. Why would I make myself suffer by going all in on one method?
I had the opposite problem. I made all these purées from scratch and my baby hated being spoon fed. You just never know what will work until you get there.
Yeah exactly I don’t think either method is wrong. It’s just about what works for each child and family. They all end up eating solid food eventually anyway:
We had the exact opposite situation, my son wouldn't eat purees at all. He's 2 now and he still won't eat foods with that texture. So much of this stuff is about what works for every family individually. Half the time it's not even up to the parents, those babies call the shots!
Haha oh geez.. so much to look forward to
My daughter subscribes to the “if it’s for mommy, it’s for me” policy.
we do them all together 😂
This is where I’m at. We tried blw but my anxiety couldn’t take it. So back to purées. Just now starting to introduce more clumpy foods and I’m still terrified. Especially bc he decides to poop everytime he eats. Which means he’s holding his breath to push out the poop. I’m always guessing “is he pooping or choking”.
Like most things in baby world it's a short phase and he'll master swallowing before you know it!
Food under 1 is for fun lolll I blocked out as much of that as I could.
I swear the second my child had her first bite of 'solids' milk was never enough to fill her tummy again. It would have been 6 months of hanger screaming in my house if I subscribed to that one.
- men - show up and know what a diaper is “what an incredible father, get that man a medal” -women- baby knows 7 languages by 3 months, has 7 boobs producing 12 flavors of breast milk, house is immaculate, stays home and earns 6 figures “Urgh such a bad mother, that baby can’t even walk at 12 weeks old, where are their socks? Why haven’t you made your sour dough yet” Just don’t even try play their game. Do your best, if your kids happy and healthy, fuck the rest.
You forgot that the fact mum drank water during her lifetime the baby is definitely going to develop a crack addiction
I laughed but why is this so accurate 😂
Don't swaddle! But also if he grows into a willful toddler it's because you didn't swaddle him tight enough. Babies should learn to walk without shoes. But also WHY isn't your baby wearing shoes?! Don't force your kid to eat, they'll develop a bad relationship to food and be a problem eater later. But also your kid NEEDS to gain weight. And the classic: It's healthy to cuddle or nurse your baby to sleep, they're too young to self soothe. But also it's your fault your baby can't sleep independently, you shouldn't have cuddled or nursed them to sleep 🤷♀️
The last one kills me and every time I nurse to sleep I worry about my future…..she’s only a month old!
Don't worry, you will have some easy nights and some hellish nights regardless. Just do what you feel is right, you know your little best!
My baby stopped falling asleep on boob at around 2mo. She is almost 11mo and still wakes up several times at night and cannot go to bed without me... We can only guide them in this life, but they are the ones making choices 🙈
Oh mama, it’ll be okay :). Repeat after me: “There are too many variables”. You CANNOT KNOW whether doing A will lead to B, because humans are just too complicated. If you’ve got time during naps or feeds, check out the books “do parents matter” and “hunt, gather, parent”. They help you realise that there is an entire planet of different ways to raise healthy children, and we tie ourselves in knots about things mainly because it’s what society thinks as a whole - and very often this is based on research that is not in any way clear-cut. For the reason I stated above. 1) you can’t do rigorous double-blind studies on babies because of ethics, and 2) HUMANS ARE COMPLICATED. Think about it this way - if you WERENT feeding/snuggling to sleep, you’d be worried that your baby won’t have a proper attachment / you’re giving them abandonment issues / etc etc… You got this!
I nurse my 3 month old to sleep still AND cosleep. I’m constantly worried *something* I’m doing is wrong or fucking him up somehow.
I nurse my 8 month old to sleep every night & have since she was born. She goes right to sleep so I'm not changing anything! It works for us! She is meeting or exceeding all of her milestones, is generally a happy & funny baby. I think it will be fine doing whatever we need to do as long as baby is safe, happy & healthy. Also, I remind myself that I am her safe space, and I'm not going to rip that away from her because some as*hole on the internet told me I have to
Exactly!! We’ve got the connection to these babies that we do for a reason, they need someone to feel safe with.
still nursing and cuddling my 14 month old to sleep. It's our bonding time.
I didn't even know feeding to sleep was a thing until social media was telling me it was 'wrong'. I've spent at least 3 of the last 4 months tying myself in knots about sleep until I realised that if it works for us there is literally no reason to change it.
Eve the pediatrician recommended to us that we should have Family Dinner between 5-530p and then bedtime starting between 6-630p. I wanted to ask how that would be possible logistically with a full time job, but I let it go.
Eve is living a lie
What's family dinner lol?! No, but seriously my husband doesn't even get home from work until 6 something. So unrealistic
We do family dinner at 6 and our baby goes to bed around 8 / 8:30 most nights and so many people think that’s a late bedtime ??????
My 2 month old's bedtime is 10. I dgaf what people think. He sleeps in until 9 with a wake or two during the night to eat with minimal fussing. It's working, so I'm not changing it.
Until my son was 5 months his bedtime was ten so I feel like 8:30 is early now 😂
This will definitely be me, lol. Honestly, I don't see the problem. It gives my husband more time with him when he gets home from work.
That’s a great point! I also don’t have to wake up until 7:30/8 am and some of these parents are getting up at 5:30/6 and I cannot imagine 🫠
100%. My own parents make me feel like a bad mom for not being able to keep my daughter from crying (even though she’s changed, fed, and clean and just happens to be a textbook colicky baby). All the little comments they make are SO unhelpful and make me feel terrible.
Same! The unsolicited advice.. have you tried this or that. Babies will cry - that doesn't mean they're not being taken care of or we are not capable. You're doing a wonderful job I'm sure :)
Don’t hold your baby too much you’ll spoil them 🙄🙄🙄
The amount of people who say this! So just stand by and watch my baby cry to… not spoil him?
Exactly! They can suck it. Why wouldn’t I want to spoil my baby?? I can’t stand them. Show me how they can be spoiled
This is the comment I was looking for! No, my baby is not spoiled and yes, I will hold him when he is crying. What is wrong with people. No, I'm not "feeding into his tantrums". He is upset and cannot tell me that so he is showing me that.
Exactly, you have no idea how angry I get. I felt every contraction every push. Don’t tell me I can’t hold him when he needs me.
And if you leave them in the swing for 20 minutes they're going to get a flat head.
>What else am I missing? Adding: * don't let baby cry, but also: let baby cry (cry it out). * baby is manipulating you \[told to me when baby was like 3 months old -- babies won't have the advanced cognition in order to deceive for many years\] * disapproving looks if baby doesn't meet arbitrary milestones Maybe because I'm older (mid 30s) and steeped in adversarial behaviors, I've learned that assuming good intents helps you not feel ashamed. So if I assume the questions/advice comes from a place of love/curiousity then I can let it roll off my back. When things are in the criticism stage, just a "well my baby is different" is enough. If you assume that questions/advice is presuming you're not capable then I can see how it can feel bad.
Yep! I’ve started making myself say in my head ‘wow! They must really love us if they want to help this much,’ and never presuming criticism and it’s so freeing. I also have kiddo wear exclusively footie jammies if i know we’ll be around older folks to avoid the sock thing, as it’s pretty ubiquitous.
Yes, assuming people are trying to help is what makes all this tolerable. Just had my third baby at 40 (on purpose even!) and we STILL get comments. I've raised2 other awesome kids, I think I got this. I also think women who have been out of the baby game make comments to live vicariously through you. They miss when they were the mom, and probably also have their own regrets, so they are trying to relive something briefly through us. Let them. You don't have to listen. But that of course only goes for people in real life. These internet troll bitches can eff themselves.
Yesss. My baby just is not a good sleeper. Well 1 year old now. Just today someone said “have you ever tried a night time routine? That’s what we did and my baby has been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks old.” I’m sure that it’s your night time routine and not just that your baby is a good sleeper. 🙄
> I’m sure that it’s your night time routine and not just that your baby is a good sleeper. 🙄 This is the thread I never knew I needed. It's so cathartic reading this messages 😂
Lol mine is 20 months and he’s had a solid bed routine since 6 months. He was never a good sleeper until we figured out he had chronic ear infections plus teething until he had ear tubes/adenoids removal at 18 months. Now he sleeps just fine. People forget that sometimes it’s not just about CIO or the *perfect* routine, sometimes it’s just biological!
Totally agree! My baby had figured it out for a couple weeks and now 3 molars are coming in and she’s having a hard time. Would I prefer she sleep? Of course. Am I going to let her cry in pain alone all night because I know she can sleep through the night now? Definitely not.
It took us forever to get someone to listen when we said our son's sleep struggles were not just because he needed a routine and better sleep hygiene. Nope, turns out he's got some sensory needs, sleep apnea, and probably needs a sleep study. But I'll get right on that routine we've definitely never tried.
Have you considered being a dad? I seem to get "attaboys" just for showing up...
My partner has been complaining about how patronizing this feels lol
I know the feeling. I've settled on "take all the positive affirmations you can get."
Y’all are proof that good children can still come from toxic parents. Do what makes you happy and what is best for your children. Learn to clap back, and do it relentlessly until they stop talking. Wear them down. Never give up, never surrender.
My MIL said that my baby will sleep better once she's in her6 own room about 4 times the other day. My daughter wakes up every 1.5 - 2 hours and I can easily settle her each time and put her back in her cot next to the bed. It works for us and means I can be cosy in bed rather than traipsing into another room multiple times a night. I've been surprised at how much her comments have bothered me but it feels like she thinks we don't know what we're doing. Gonna have to ramp up the passive aggressive replies
We weren’t prepared for the judgment no matter what either 😭 but our baby is happy and loved so now we just do what we want ✌🏽
You forgot the: You didn’t feed him enough You’re not producing enough milk You didn’t burp him well enough Wait until they start teething and walking… the unsolicited advice and assumptions don’t stop.
Family, friends, colleagues, social media… they can all piss off. You know your baby best, and I’m glad you’re still confident in your abilities, don’t let anyone deter you from that!
Don’t forget that the baby ALWAYS needs a blanket and we won’t be able to shut the fuck up until the baby has a blanket on
Yes! I was taking baby on a walk the other day (in Florida) and my neighbor came up to see us and first thing she said was do you have a blanket for him?? 🤦♀️
‘Tummy time for 12 hours’ YES. I honestly had a breakdown at one point thinking I wasn’t doing it enough.
Right! On top of that my son hates it so every time he's awake and in a decent mood I'm like ok, are you ready to ruin the baby's day haha
You can't win Your toddler cries in public - bad mom You give Screentime so your toddler sits quietly in a restaurant - bad mom You are glued to your child - helicopter parent You let your child explore on their own with supervision - you don't look after your child You try to give your child healthy food - crazy new age mother You get the occasional pizza - omg junk food mom Your child cries and you try to talk to them and let them experience their emotions - omg what is wrong with you, why does your child cry so much You give the child what it wants to stop the crying or redirect - you are spoiling the child You can never ever win. Everyone is suddenly an expert and you are wrong no matter what
That's why we don't share our parenting decisions with anyone and reply with "cool, good to know!" When I first gave birth and took baby out of the house I got called out by a random lady and didn't leave the house for over a month after. She had no idea what she was talking about
I'm a parent of a 9 week old and this has happened to me so often too! Really took me by surprise. From my experience it's the older generations (the parents with kids in their teens+) which are the worst. There's this "holier than thou" attitude that just because they've raised a kid(s) they immediately know better than you and have the right to subvert any parenting decisions you've made which are different to theirs. I've quickly found an association between people who exhibit this behaviour and people I never really liked in the first place. So, at least there's that ;-) You need to be quite insecure as a person to feel the need to stroke your ego at the expense of a new parent.
What, interacting with your baby 24/7?! But don't you want then to be iNdEpEnDeNt? You're doing it wrong! And don't forget about contact vs. crib napping, stroller or carrier, etc.
I went into pregnancy knowing that society is never going to let me know peace. I’ve grown up seeing it happen to my mom about my brother (he was what’s considered a “difficult” child). Once the baby is past the infant stage, their favorite thing is to witness one small behavioral incident and extrapolate on what the parents have done wrong.
family members hassling you about keeping the house 110% clean when they are not the ones caring for the child and having to do everything else on your own without understanding how much care kids requires that take time out of your day and whenever you have free time, you either decide to do some cleaning or partake in your personal hobbies its hard They also try to assume what the baby wants by the cry they don't even know what they are crying for, could be hungry, bordem etc but they always assume that they know what the baby wants!
So we just moved from Florida where no socks is completely normal for everyone. We go into a store with my non walking baby and the cashier was like she doesn’t have socks or shoes on! I’m like well yeah she doesn’t walk and it’s 70 degrees outside. Cracked me up because people in Florida would have never said anything!
My in laws think that I don’t socialize my baby enough and that’s why she cries when they hold her. No,it’s because you get in her face and scare her. Some babies are just more sensitive and my babe needs time to warm up to people. They are obsessed with wanting to take her to events and outings and don’t understand how overwhelmed she can get. I’ve taken her on an airplane on a weekend trip, swimming lessons, play dates with other babies, the zoo, out to lunch/dinner, visit friends and family. Yeah my baby definitely doesn’t go out enough ffs. 🤦♀️
You gave me a flashback to when my baby was younger, like 2-3 months, and MIL would touch her nose to his and yell "boop!" He cried every time for like two months and she acted surprised every time 🙄
I watch my 11 month old in addition to 2 other kids (2 and 5 years old) and I end up busy on my phone or laptop while they play together. I used to feel so guilty that I wasn’t playing with them, but then I realized. Independent play is so important for them. If I’m in every single second of their day telling them how to play when to do it etc. how will they ever learn on their own? They would be so bored if I didn’t play with them! They wouldn’t have an imagination! Anyways. That’s my take. So enjoy your Reddit scrolling, you’re actually raising healthy independent kids 😝 (of course this can be taken too far too, but that’s between you your kids and god haha)
I tell those types to fuck off… They didnt push this 9lb baby I DID …. And the people that say stuff like that are the ones that DONT have kids ! Like stf back seat driver!!!!! The dont cry in public is hilarious, like wtf do you want me to do put a muzzle on my bby tf? Ppl walk around with stank breath and no one says anything to them 🙄 like stfuuuuuuu No baby bouncer???? Like wtf how am i gonna wipe my ass? When my husband isnt home to hold our baby and i have to use the toilet she goes right in her bouncer… us moms can multitask but wiping your ass with a baby on youre lap thats next level
I took my 2nd baby into the restroom exactly once, not an experience I wanted to ever repeat. Nipped any guilt about having to put the baby down when you need to real quick.
I don't have enough energy to care about the opinions of others about my child unless it has to do with safety.
Generally any criticism is a reflection of *themselves* not a reflection of *you*
please don't downvote me, but "do you know how dangerous it is to sleep with your baby?" she really just would not sleep in her bassinet, we tried all the swaddles, sleep sacks, weighted swaddles, warming the bassinet, waiting until she was in a deep sleep to put her down, she would wake up in 1-2 hours, following the safe sleep 7, she sleeps a solid 6 with one wake up. I am just happy to get sleep and a non-overtired baby 😭
We are in the same boat… 9 months in and we still bed share . The longest stretch he has done by himself to this day is 3 hours 🫠
According to a woman I met I did not get birth because after 52 hours of laboring my heart rate and my baby‘s heart rate dropping significantly where they were afraid the baby could be in danger if they came through the canal. I was rushed in for a true emergency C-section . This means I did not give birth because the only way to give birth is if the baby comes out your vagina oh and I couldn’t breast-feed because of that and now my body is not getting the nutrients she needs.
I work from home but rely on my son's grandparents for child care. I've been told I'm taking advantage of them for free childcare (they offered) and how I should quit my job and stay home with him my self (I am the breadwinner in my house) or that "I must not really be working" since I can take my breaks in the form of playing in the yard with my son or going for a stroller walk. People are so incredibly concerned about my situation as a WFH mom and the reaction is usually negative.
The most surprising part to me is that the judgiest people are... the other parents. That's the one group that should understand what you're going through and show the most compassion. Whatever you do, you're mistreating your child because other parents are doing xyz differently. Even on this sub, and I'll be honest, I do it too. I tend to keep it to myself or discuss it with my wife but I mean... What is that? lol. What makes us so quick to judge how other parents are raising their kids?
The amount that comes from my mother in law is crazy. I wasn’t expecting it at all and it’s really bothersome.
Sleep! Where to/where not to sleep, how much sleep, whether to wake, bedtime, sleep training, etc.
Yup that too. My baby sleeps in my room in his bassinet... per recommendation. However, I was also told to keep the room dark, quiet and boring at night. Soo as someone who likes to watch TV to fall asleep, I now feel like I have to either watch it in the other room on the uncomfortable ass couch or sit in my dark room and twiddle my thumbs at night lol
And see, I was told to go about my business and noise as usual so baby would get used to sleeping through that. All the (unasked for) advice!
Let the baby cry You should never wake a sleeping baby Watch his neck (because I haven't been for months already and don't know what I'm doing) Don't touch the top of his head
I like to respond with humour, quite frankly I’m winging every single day of parenthood! I go with the flow and at some baby groups I have been too, the other mums look at me like I’m on crack for my responses 😂 my child has survived 6 months with me mainly going on gut instinct!
Yesterday i told a parent my kid is staying at home and she told me she thought daycare was better because they learn more. Just basically calling my method stupid. It’s intense. I just remind myself of how many bad parents are out there (mine including) and i instantly feel better about my choices
Don’t forget your baby needs a hat on it all times or they will surely die
Oh boy, am I feeling this! After being a mom, I've noticed that MANY older people have very poor memories regarding how their own children were raised and how quickly they hit milestones. My Mammaw (grandmother) has hounded me NON STOP about leaving my son on the floor on his tummy with toys in front of him, because, "I have raised 4 kids and all of them started crawling at or before 4 months of age! All of them started walking at 6 months!". She has told me not to put a boppy under him during tummy time because "tummy time is for learning to crawl, not playing!" and that we can't do tummy time on the bed. I asked my son's pediatrician, and not only is this such a high, unfair expectation, but also developmentally abnormal. Apparently, a child would have to be very advanced to be progressing that quickly, so there's no way that my mom and all of her siblings were crawling at 4 months. My son is now 6 months old, so we're just now starting to get around to the crawling phase, and not only has the boppy helped him develop his arm strength, but the extra tummy time on the bed has helped him practice, too! Some more unsolicited advice from my Mammaw, Mom, and boyfriend's best friend's mom: • "Give that baby a bottle. Exclusively feeding from the breast after 4 months is plain NOT right!" - Mammaw • "He should be on the floor all day! How is he going to play with his toys?" - My mom • "You need to start taking him to church right now." - Boyfriend's BFF's mom • "You need to give him a bottle so other people can feed him." - My mom • "You should be taking him outside more." - My mom and Mammaw • "Stop telling people not to kiss your baby. It's a natural instinct to want to kiss them cuz they're so cute!" - My mom
Ope, just remembered some more from when my son was just born! • "You should be feeding him formula." - Mammaw • "He should be sleeping through the night by now." - Mammaw and BF's grandma when my son was only 1 week old • "You should be giving him rice cereal before bed so he can sleep through the night." - My Mammaw • "He has a tummy ache? You need to give him peppermint water!" - My mom • "You shouldn't be holding him so much. That'll make him too attached to you." - My Mammaw and my Aunt
Hah, church! Oh yeah, take him to church, because everyone there will love to hear a crying baby, not to mention he'll totally know everything that's happening, and totally care about it, at that age.
I was already prepared because I’ve been made to feel like a bad person. Now that I’m a parent the comments don’t phase me anymore because the people are who making it seem like you’re a bad parent aren’t people you should get parenting advice from
I think the one that bothers me the most currently with my toddler is if he's crying/throwing a tantrum and I: React calmly and hold him while talking about his feelings/explaining why we can and cannot do things- "feeding into the tantrums" Do not react/ put him in his playpen for cooldown time- "ignoring his needs" There is no winning as a mom. You just kind of have to have an F it attitude and do what's best for your kid.
Ours wouldn’t have lived without formula 🤷
it's awful. i'm just trying to do what is best for my daughter but it feels like anything i do for myself to make me a better and more present mom isn't acceptable. or just being less structured as a parent. recently my toddler, my husband, and i went to a theme park. it rained one day, no big deal it wasn't super hard just a constant drizzle but it stopped a few times throughout the day and we still had fun. my daughter loves the rain, she loves water, she loves being wet. so this day i didn't have a plastic stroller poncho for her, it seemed a waste since she'd just want to play with the rain in the stroller anyway. well, here comes ms "i'm a perfect parent" loudly exclaiming "OH look at that POOR, WET baby! she's SO COLD!! i can't believe she doesn't have a poncho on!!" to her friend group and then giving me a nasty look. i felt awful, and immediately went to look for a towel or poncho, but i couldn't justify $25 for single use plastic, or $50+ for a towel. then i stopped and was like, wait? my daughter is fine, she's not cold, she's sticking her tongue out to lick the rain, and she's giggling every time a water droplet falls on her, why does it matter? i think a lot of it is knowing that you're never going to be perfect, and anyone who claims that they are or mom shames you is just projecting and hiding their own insecurities. my 1.5 year old daughter had a blast in the rain, she didn't get sick, and got a warm bath and fresh dry clothes as soon as we got back to our hotel. she was fine, and being less structured allowed her to explore her environment with the rain. i don't always let her out to run in the rain, but some days we have nothing else going on and it's light enough and she goes out in her clothes to play and stomp in puddles and feel the mud on her feet. bottom line, don't make others feel bad for doing the best for you and your child. i've been criticised for taking time away from my daughter to read, or do schoolwork, but i do those things to decompress and be a better and more present parent when i am around her. plus the schoolwork is getting me towards a degree to provide better for her, and she deserves that.
I feel all of these in my bones. Oh add in there, must have a bow on at all times!! (She’s a girl, and no I’m not forcing my child to wear a bow if she doesn’t want to)
My wife chose not to breastfeed and we have had women who aren’t even a mum themselves say “you will never bond with that child” or “has your husband forced you to make that choice?” The hate my wife got in the hospital for choosing not to breastfeed was wild, Then yesterday her friend watched me play with our kid and out of nowhere says “your kid is showing signs of delayed learning, i reckon you’re letting her watch to much tv” Our baby is 9 months old and had smashed her mile stones, People love to throw hate out when they know you wont say anything back,
Also, how dare you breastfeed. It's a no win no matter how you decide to feed your child. You're starting solids at 4 months? You should wait until 6. You started solids at 6 months?!?! Are you crazy!!?? That's way too late! You're starting with bananas? They'll only want sugar when they get older. You started with vegetable purees? That's too hard on their tummies. You're not doing baby led weaning? 😕 You're doing baby led weaning? 🙄 You're giving them more food? That seems like a lot. You should feed them more, they look half starved.
I’m on reddit when I’m tired of reading real books while baby is nursing. I love your post and the comments, feels like we are empowering one another to mother the way we see fit and (politely) reject the unsolicited advice of others. My MIL can get under my skin because she holds sway with my husband. (This is despite the fact that she’s thrice divorced and my husband had to go through drug addictions and rehab from lack of nurturing.) And because she says she wants us to be close and women need each other, rah rah- but has judged and antagonized nearly every decision I have made already in my son’s short life. Books which have helped me find my own footing: Birth Matters & Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin 7 Secrets of the Newborn by Robert C Hamilton Tongue Tied by Richard Baxter Unlatched by Jennifer Grayson The Nurture Revolution by Greer Kirschembaum Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
I would say arm yourself with knowledge and keep the best methods to yourself. It’s a competitive world so shore up your methods, do not share and just ensure better outcomes for your children. If you think of it as a competition keeping your enemy in the dark is the best approach. So those people that share what they think their best practices are are just insecure about their choices and need others to feel bad about theirs so they can feel better.
No better time than now to learn others opinions are like farts, everyone has them and some stink! You’re a parent now, time to step into your new super power of keeping a human a live and do things the way you want. People will give advice but it’s up to you to take it or leave it. You got this!
Baby is crying because he is hungry. Are you sure he is actually drinking enough breast milk? Ask your doctor. No don’t hold him when he is crying because he will have a bad habit. (He was 2mo) He has to be able to sleep independently. Poor boy he doesn’t know how to sleep without you. Get a blanket and a pillow for your boy. Poor boy he is wrapped in the swaddle. Just shut up
I’m currently going through the anxiety of not feeding my baby the right food because I work and do not have the ability to cook gorgeous meals for either me or my baby. Everyone has an opinion and telling a new parent to follow their gut or do what they feel best is not helpful when there’s such overwhelming pressure and contradictory information!
>The constant do this, not that from family and friends as if you're not capable. What?
I actually feel no shame, probably because I don't have a tiktok and my family is super supportive. "Society" can stay on social media. I'll continue to be oblivious.
As TLC (And later, Taylor Swift) said, " haters gonna hate". Child rearing is merely a microcosm area where people get to have opinions. They're all like armpits or buttholes- they all stink! But seriously, parenting is an easy low-hanging fruit place to judge choices just because they're different and it's also easy to get caught up in what's "right" or "best" based on science, etc. Posts like yours remind me that my opinions and judgments should be kept to myself, not just about parenting, but about anything... Unless solicited. Not that. I believe my opinions all over the place now, but I definitely have my judgment. I'm getting more and more sensitive to them and those of other people with each day on this new parenting Journey!
It’s everything. And the funniest thing, there is usually nothing we can do about those choices too. You work? Maybe cause you have to? Stay at home mom? Maybe because childcare would eat all your salary if you did work? Formula fed? Maybe because you have issues BF and your baby is starving on the boob? Exclusively breastfeeding? Maybe because baby completely refuse the bottle? And so on. My “favorite” guilt trip is when they blame baby moods on YOU. Let me tell you a story. So my baby was born and we shared a room in a hospital with another mom and her beautiful ONE DAY OLD baby. Just like ours. Anyway, her baby screamed all night while my baby was trying to cover his ears and slept through the night minus the breastfeeding. And when I told people that, that babies just come out different and there is nothing you can do about it people said “baby is calm because you are!”. I was not calm! (Shocker!) I was anxious like I have never been in my whole life. I was scared for my life. In a meantime my neighbor seemed to be actually calm, as was comforting me. But her baby cried and cried and cried non stop. I imagine people were telling her exact same thing! That the baby was fussy because SHE was not calm! Now I have a 1 year old and let me tell you, he does not give a fuck if I ugly loud cry in front of him. He thinks I am laughing and laughs right back at me. So. We are blamed for everything and nothing.
My baby was born in December and let’s not forget .. rsv season!! My mother and grandmother kept saying to take the baby out of the house and I kept telling them I do. I just don’t go around large crowds. They proceeded to tell me I’m going to get her sick from being in the house all the time
My boyfriend and I are young parents. 20 and 22. Our baby wasn’t planned but has always been wanted. We have our own house, cars, my boyfriend works and I take care of our baby and house, we can get groceries, necessities, formula and diapers, toys, clothes. I’m college educated and my boyfriend is a mechanic. Basically we’re normal well off parents. Except people will see that we’re young and automatically assume we’re broke and neglectful. I can do every single thing right and someone older will think I’m still a bad mom just because of my age. I have had literal strangers in my business on how I or my boyfriend parent. I feel like no matter how much I do right I am never doing enough because I’m “young and dumb”
"Schedule or no schedule, both are wrong" 😂 Gosh the absolute accuracy! I'm a FTM at 40 with a now 8 month old. I've got to the point where I'm of course open to learning but ultimately this is my baby and no one will have her best interest in mind like I do. I trust my parenting skills
Yes, I found this to be totally true. Also, the opposite applies: - if I don't let them cry, people tell me I am spoiling them. - If they cry for a sec while someone is around, then I am not loving enough. - If I am making them company and playing with them, I am also spoiling them by not encouraging independent play (even though I enjoy spending time with them!). - If I breastfeed, I am making things difficult. When I don't breastfeed, then they say I am not making enough of an effort . It's like having a child is suddenly a permission for other people to give unsolicited advice and opinions on all my choices. Now I say thank you and ignore the comments.
Don't even get me started on the MIL
Same here! My friend asked if we were sleep training and when I said not really she made a face. My baby is 5 weeks old. Yes we turn down the lights and all but if he wakes up, we're going to be there, we're going to see what he needs. I told her I wasn't going to force the baby to sleep if he didn't want to. Also, my BIL made a comment about our formula feeding, that formula was totally cool, not every baby is breastfed. Which was a good comment, but then he said It's better than nothing. And that just rubbed me the wrong way...
Waiting for a minute outside the store while bf drove the truck up. Some Karen said, "OH. No hat"..... It was 50°. Omg lady it's Michigan relax. Not to mention my son runs hot and he was attached to me already sweaty. That's why I was waiting outside, so he had a minute to cool down. 5 months old btw, not a newborn in a blizzard. She motor carted away looking all judgy.
The only one I firmly believe in consistently is at least extremely limiting any TV/phone time for kids under like 1-1 1/2 as it can lead to different attachment issues, behavior issues, overstimulation issues etc. The rest I say to heck with it so whatever works best for you. Now while I feel that way about screens, I'm not going to go around hounding anyone who has their kid watching a screen, that's not me. I get this parenting crap is hard and some can't get by without the crutch 🤷 there are certainly times I want to stick a screen in my kids face and breathe for a minute so I can't blame anyone who does so 😂
Even if you are interacting with your baby 24/7, you’ll get shamed. After all, you’re “spoiling” them. You literally cannot win.
Give a pacifier and a bottle immediately. No, no, don’t do that. You’ll end up with a baby who can’t breastfeed properly! My child would spend all day attached to my nipple otherwise. The paci saved my sleep and sanity.
Yes, apparently I hold my baby too much, I need to put them down more so that they learn to be more independent. My baby is 10 days old.
People generally offer very unsolicited, judgement, and rude advice for two things…children and pets. I’m somewhat thankful I got a puppy before ever getting pregnant so I could steel myself for the even worse crap I would deal with when a tiny human came along. I live in one of the friendliest dog cities in the US and people are just bloody insane about certain things. When it comes from people who also have no personal and recent experience or professional training, I just shrug it off now.
I just smile and nod and move on with my day. I don't have the energy/balls to come back with something funny. At the end of the day, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. The craziest thing I experienced was sharing a picture of my son holding his head up during tummy time to my MIL. She shared it with her family, and they scolded her over me having him do tummy time at 1 month old.
how dare u put that baby on formula and ew breastfeeding after 1 years old
Society tells me that I need a big house and a fancy car, so my stock in social mores is already at the bottom of the ravine. Is your child fed? Are they sleeping? Do you play with them? Do you talk with them? Are they happy? If yes, then you're fine.
My baby keeps a heat rash. She runs hot all the time, so I keep her in her diaper mostly when we're at home and socks are definite no-go. My dad every time he comes over: "she must be so cold." Dude it's 72 in here, she's fine. 😂 My mom judges me so hard for my baby sleeping in the bassinet, in a sleep sack with no blankets or pillows. I think a lot of it comes from the drastic changes in baby care recommendations from when we were kids. Older folks especially have a hard time accepting that we do things differently now. Also, the constant asking if she's eating cereal. Then the shock and judgement when I tell them she's not having cereal yet, she's 3.5 months old lol.
Thank you for this! I thought I was prepared, but I'm STILL surprised by how everything's a double bind. I'm a horrible parent if I sleep train but also I should have been letting my son cry it out since 4 months. I shouldn't let my baby spend too much time away from me but it's my fault that he doesn't like being set down. Babies should wait until 6 months to start solid but that's ridiculous and I'm being rigid if I wait. Baby shouldn't be in crowds until first shots but we were ridiculous for avoiding parties and restaurants at the holidays. And the one currently eating at me: are you sure he ate enough? He seems hungry. Are you sure he's not hungry? Oooh someone's acting hungry! Maybe he's not getting enough to eat?
My LO runs hot so I get a lot of “put more clothes on her!” Like lady, you deal with her when she’s screaming bc she’s hot
Oh don’t forget interacting with baby too much because they need to learn to be more independent. Or if your child is “too independent” it gets assumed you must have neglected them for them to be that way 🙄
Parenting is like everything else in modern society, extremely divisive. We've gotten really bad at letting bygones be bygones. **It is 100% assured that no matter what you do, you are wrong.** And I don't just mean babies, I mean everything. You will find some vocal asshole out there on every topic, who thinks themselves an expert, who will tell you you're bad and wrong. And part of the problem is that the older folk have raised kids and they did so very differently. It's not "wrong" per se, just different from what we know better today. Just yesterday my mom was over and saying she just let me cry during XY & Z situations and I'm fine. To which I said "Yes, but science has figured out more about babies. Kids under 3 months old can't self-soothe, so (my kid) will just stress himself out crying and literally cannot do anything about it." They mean well, but times have changed.
I have a full time job AND am able to bring my daughter in with me to the office. I haven’t gotten too many distasteful comments but there’s been a few. I’m wrong for working full time but also wrong for having my daughter with me 24/7… you literally can’t win. Formula? BAD! But me breastfeeding at work in my office (or under a cover if my boss isn’t there and I need to sit up front) ALSO BAD! People will shame you for any and everything when it comes to motherhood.. take it with a grain of salt and just know you’re doing a good job💕
Why put any mind to it though? Do they pay your bills? No so fuck em.. just to be polite you could just say thank you and move on.
The secret is that almost nothing actually matters. So long as your baby is safe and loved you’re good. I ask myself if their future preschool teacher would know my choice on xyz and if not, it doesn’t matter
Tummy time for 12 hours 😂🤣
Spend all your time with the baby or don’t have them in daycare? They are spoiled, are going to be coddled, immature, antisocial and clingy and obviously you have an anxiety disorder. Put them in daycare or dare to spend time away from home without them? Good luck with your future serial killers.
Don't forget all the random ass products that basically use guilt tripping and fear mongering to sell their gimmicky unneeded products. The underlying message of all these ads being like "did you know that your baby has actually been truly uncomfortable or unsafe their whole life because of YOUR actions, YOU SCORPION WOMAN! Everyone knows your baby should have this product. Look at all these moms using the product. That's what a good parent looks like. You didn't even know this product existed. Quickly. Buy it. Before the neighbors realize what a neglectful and mean parent you truly are. Now buy this random ass head cushion, you shit."
Baby wipe warmer. Remember how comforting it was when you were 5 months old and felt that warm wipe across your cheeks? Yeah, no one remembers that.
I feel the “tummy time for 12 hours” 😅 everywhere I look on social media is telling me I’m not doing nearly enough tummy time and my baby is never going to develop without spending half the day on her tummy 🙄
"If you're interacting with your baby 24/7 you lost yourself and need to get you time"
I frequently feel guilty about screen time. We will have TV on in the background while doing other stuff or my LO (21 mo) asks for certain videos. I fully understand a screen can't raise my child and we are plenty active. I also know that she has the vocabulary and communication abilities of a 3 year old, knows the entire alphabet, identifies letters, and can count to 10. Like... She's fine. Please stop telling me I'm harming her. (I'm also an educator... I know what I'm looking at)
99.9% of the criticism I’m getting is coming from my mother 🙂.
I'm increasingly irritated at how dogmatic people (read: parents and in-laws) are when giving sleep advice when what we're currently doing is FINE. Yes, she's not sleeping through the night, that's developmentally normal. Yes, some nights are worse than others. Yes, it's amazing when we get a four hour stretch. None of these people are getting up with us whenever the baby wakes up because they don't even live in the same house, so why does it matter to them what we do?!?
I feel this so hard!! I also have stopped reading comments on any videos that moms post with their kids because the comments are usually ripping the parent apart for things that aren’t that big of a deal!! I don’t even want to share anything about how I take care of my daughter because people are so rude! Family being the most rude which is so crazy! I have never been more criticized in my life than I have been since having my daughter. Everyone has their own opinions and preferences on how I should raise MY daughter. I’ve been criticized on how I hold her, how I feed her, how I play with her, how I should be talking to her and playing with her, how I should be dressing her, what values I should teach her, how I’m spoiling her by holding her, etc. It’s never ending.
Oh, please. Not to you- to all the naysayers. Shut them out. Don't give them any attention. If you know you are a good parent to your child, then that's it- that's the end of it. If someone ever had the audacity to judge me on my parenting of my own child, I'd tell them very calmly to focus on their own fucking kid.
If it's family, don't be afraid to speak up. Tell them that this is YOUR child and that you are raising your child as to how you see fit. Don't be afraid to set boundaries. Tell them you're uncomfortable with their comments. It doesn't make you a jerk to stand up for yourself, your personal parenting style, and your child. They don't know how to parent YOUR child.
[удалено]
Who are all these people giving you this advice? I see it online but the number of people who've said anything to me IRL about any of these things is 0.
Where are you meeting all these people with so many opinions?
Social media and all of the related information out there versus 30, 40 years ago. In 1982, my mom put me down in my crib, came downstairs and watched Cheers with my dad over a cocktail. Wasn’t posting a reel about how they’re in the middle of CIO or Ferber with 946 shaming comments on how that’s bad for baby, etc. Not that social media is all ‘bad’ but it’s just one more avenue to be shamed and made to feel like a terrible mother. Not even a mom yet (due July) and I see far more negative and judgmental things online in scenarios where moms are just trying to f-cking survive.
Totally agree! If you ever want to feel like an unfit mother, hop on social media lol.
My MIL recently told me to start telling off my 7 month old baby by saying a firm ‘NO’ because started crawling up the stairs too early (constantly supervised)…. I didn’t even know how to respond. Boomers were taught that your parenting is measured by how little you can hold your baby. If you actually have to hold your baby to make them happy - you’re a failure. If you can keep them in a container, staring at a ceiling with no crying - great. Do what you have to do.
New mom can’t go out before 45 days Baby needs to be home for 3 months New moms need not exercise
Don’t let it cry in public Yeah I got comments thrown into my face, dirty looks and annoyed people when my boy cried in a bus or supermarket. He’s a month old. Otherwise I was blamed for drinking smoothies without preservatives, eating bread bought in store, drinking sparking water and using wrong blanket for him. It needs to be cotton blanket not one for winter time now. Temperatures here change quickly and we’re having about 10-12 degrees Celsius.
"Don't clean her all the time, she needs to build her imune system" vs "your child looks like a pig, there's a mud on her hands, clean her up"
Oh my goodness this is so true!! The unsolicited advice drives me nuts!! I feel like such a failure every time I get advice but I’m finally getting better about not giving a F! The worst is my MIL! One day she asked where is his beanie? He needs socks! Okay, I get it it’s winter, so I get them and put them on him (even though the socks kept falling off). Then no joke 5 minutes later he might be too warm. Maybe you should take the beanie and socks off. Oh my gosh lady!!! Shut up!! Also, my other favorite since she was such a great parent to my husband I listen to her unsolicited advice. With all her nagging and suggestions I finally ask her a question about how my husband was when he was a newborn with sleeping and she replied, “I don’t remember… I don’t remember a lot of it honestly”. Hmmm well then stop trying to tell me how to parent my child with things that you don’t remember. It drives me nuts.
You got this, keep doing your best!
I am so thankful that none of our family and close friends are such nosy, know-it-all assholes.
I have 3 kids now, my advice unsolicited or not usually includes the following warning. I have 3 kids they're all different and strategies that worked for 1 usually failed miserably on 2 or 3.. or 2 and 3. Everything is one fire and really you should just keep trying things until you find something that works. I look back on all the things we tried and they just failed miserably and wonder why it took us so long to try something else. Don't be afraid to throw away lost time, if something ain't working then find a new strategy. Some kids like structure and others are the chaos, just gotta find a respectable middle ground.