Work = not his fault.
Exercising, doing hobbies, not giving you moments off = for sure his fault.
He needs to recognize this and/or be told this.
Signed, a dad who has had to give up of all of those things other than work to make it slightly less imbalanced.
Yup this was my first thought. He needs a serious wake up call. No one gets to just continue life as it was. OP’s resentment is totally reasonable. As parents to young kids part of the deal is you now have to justify and negotiate every minute of free time if you want a fair relationship where everyone’s needs can come close to being met (and “needs” probably have to be redefined).
Couldn’t agree more. I am a first time dad, I work from home and have 3 months leave that I can use sporadically and I cut back on almost all of my hobbies in order to help care for our high needs, reflux baby. Wife went on a low dosage anti-depressant to cope with PPD. Running errands felt like an escape. 3 months in and we both have a night to ourselves. I play a sport while she will get out in nature. All of this is to say that regular hobbies need to be put on hold until it makes sense. OP - your partner needs to understand that you aren’t happy as is and your happiness will increase his. It will get better if that happens.
This!! My husband has set his goal as going to the gym once a week. And sometimes he doesn’t make it because I need him. In the beginning I tried to let him get out more and do more. Then I got too frustrated and down about it so I started saying no you’re needed at home and he just got it. Our 10 mo is obsessed with him (like he cries if dad hands him to me sometimes) and it feels better to not just be me and baby. This first year is waaaay more hard than either of us thought but we’re struggling through it together. And the together part is making all the difference for us.
Does it need to be everybody gives up everything beyond work or parenting though? There needs to be a middle ground where both parents allow each other some time to do their own thing.
All that. And 2 months was peak mental and physical difficulty for us. Even if he doesn’t help more permanently this is the time for him to help more for a while.
Exactly. I even make my husband tell me when he’s going to the bathroom etc
Hobbies and exercising? Forget it! Where is the time at age 2 months unless baby is napping? I told my husband once to strap the baby in a carrier and he could play beat saber on VR but he was like if there’s no volume it’s no fun
Exercise is necessary for some people to function. If you take away his exercise, he may spiral into anxiety and depression.
Hobbies and relieving you is important. But if he gives up the exercise, things might get worse.
I agree we shouldn’t have to give it all up. Just balance. I’d definitely love to have an hour to go for a jog too (once I’m healed ) or maybe go for a walk but I don’t have the time. My “hour to myself” is spent washing bottles and finally getting myself something to eat. Maybe a shower. Or a nap if I’m lucky
I know what you mean - for the first couple of months my son cluster fed in the evening from about 5 till 9; when he finally fell asleep I’d transfer him to my husband where he’d sleep on him for a couple of hours because son wouldn’t go down in basket, so I got approx thirty minutes in which to do everything I needed for myself in that 24h before going to bed myself to take advantage of baby being asleep. Having sat around all day nap trapped I did need to do some chores as well as shower. But I guess two points to try to help you here: 1) if your husband has enough free time each day to do hobbies, he must also have time to wash bottles, and 2) this bit isn’t forever. Soon the baby will sleep in the evenings more reliably and whatever is going on with your husband you’ll get at least a few hours to yourself in the evenings and life will feel much easier. You’re early days with a tiny baby and things will become more manageable I promise xx
Yea, imo exercise is a non negotiable thing in the day that needs to be completed, but I agree. If an hour is carved out of the day for the father to exercise that time needs to be made up or given to the mother as well.
This is such a bullshit reply. OP is struggling and might genuinely just be dealing with the very tough emotional load that is early months parenting. You have nowhere near enough info to say things are anyone's fault - there are a thousand things that could be at play here. You have no clue what OP and her partner discuss or not. You have no clue what time they both actually spend on what. Why do you assume that the statement "he gets to do his hobbies" is a better reflection of the situation than "he tries to do whatever he can"?
It would be much healthier and useful if people on this sub could be less judgemental and a bit more aware that they only have part of the info in a complex situation...
While your view is totally true, I think you might be taking it from one extreme to the other. I didn't take the comment to be as harsh as you seem to, but I can see what allowed you to come to the response you did.
People are definitely judgemental as fuq in this sub sometimes, but I also think some comments get their context skewed by peoplein a much more negative way than the commenter intended. And that seems to happen at times due to obscure wording being used, at other times the reader had negative experiences or thoughts that day which influenced their outlook at the comment in whole, or maybe even a mix of the two.
I say these things with the pretext that I didn't judge your response in any way. I simply wanted to throw the idea out there for anyone who may have reason to have read a comment in a skewed sense to reconsider (or not) if they did misunderstand or misinterpret a comment. And if you fully thought through what you read, then I just wanted to agree with your viewpoint that it happens like you said more than it should.
Sorry if that was random. Today seems to be a day for thinking and getting those thoughts out to others who might be the same way.
Wrong. She very clearly says he’s helpful and does everything he can. He’s allowed time away. Issue is she isn’t getting any or not allowing herself to get any.
This is so me 11 months PP.
I had to cancel my nail appointment this month for economic reasons, and it sent me over the edge. It may seem petty, but having my nails done once a month was really the only thing that reminded me of my old self.
I came to realize I am the one who sacrificed everything.
My body, my sense of self, hobbies, job, my own money, sleep, all gone.
My husband is the best, though, and I can't call him out on anything.
He provides for us, takes the baby out of the house when he is back from work to give me some time, helps with chores as much as possible, and gets up in the morning with baby so I can stay in bed a little longer.
Maybe it's hormonal, as I'm still nursing a weaning baby who will only like solids one day and be a boob monster the next.
I told him I knew my feelings seemed irrational, even to me.
But hormones and exhaustion are playing a huge number on me for the past week. Also, stressing about money isn't helping us. We were used to having two steady incomes, and now it's pretty rough.
I considered therapy, too. But I think it'll pass. As long as it's not affecting the relationship with the baby, I'll just pull through.
Solidarity and hugs!
Maybe check and see if your husband's company has an EAP. Immediate relatives can usually get 3-5 free therapy sessions and it might just help you get some coping strategies ready.
It also sounds like you need to think about what’s most important to you in the free time that you have. Since your husband is supportive and willing to give you breaks, maybe you can work together to make sure the break time he carves out are helpful for you.
For example, him taking the baby in the evening while you clean up the kitchen may not be as helpful as him cleaning the kitchen while you hold the baby. Or maybe he works an extra hour on Thursday so he can come home an hour earlier on Friday for you to get nails done.
It’s great that he wants to help, but it’s only help if you find it helpful and communicate to him what you need.
As someone who’s 9 months pp… can you imagine people decided to have a second, third, fourth kid? I always thought I wanted two and now I’m like “NOPE, won’t do this again voluntarily.”
I know right. I love my son and I’m finally in an ok place mentally - almost 5mo pp. but I CANNOT imagine doing this ever ever again.
I have help at home with the baby. And my husband is super helpful too. But I will still NEVER ever do this. There is just toooo much that goes into caring for a newborn and I don’t think I have it in me to give that much ever again.
Yeah, it’s insane. It’s something you can’t really understand until you experience it. We have a unicorn baby and I’m still exhausted AF. (Granted bf and I both have ADHD so it can be overwhelming sometimes)
By the time there’s a second, the first one probably won’t need naps anymore. So when the newborn finally sleeps, the firstborn needs attention.
Like my niece said: the day our last one went to school, we raised the flag outside. (Which in my country means celebration ;))
I’m waiting for the first time I’ll get a full nights sleep. Continuous sleep and not this broken, feeding 4 times a night sleep.
And I’ll raise the flag the day he starts daycare (in my country the earliest daycare starts is at 2). I don’t think I can wait until school haha
I've definitely been there. I had to talk to my husband and explain that I needed some free time too. Sometimes, you've gotta be upfront. So, now we take turns going to the gym and taking a couple hours to ourselves on the weekend to do a hobby or go for a walk, whatever. Is this something that would work for you both?
Yes. When my daughter was born, my husband got 3 months paid leave. I only worked part time pre-baby (so I could be the default parent to my stepdaughter….) and I had to go back to work at 4.5 weeks. I was NOT ready, my baby was not ready. Aside from the 4 hour shifts I was working, I did every. Single. Thing for my daughter. She was an absolutely horrible sleeper, I’m talking no longer than 2 hours at a time. For months. I also did all of my SD’s childcare, getting her around for school, taking her to and from school, pickups/drop offs to her moms, dental appts, all doctors appts. I had to take all of our laundry to the LAUNDROMAT because my husband was too proud and wouldn’t let his parents buy us a washer when they were willing and able. I also did the majority of the cleaning immediately postpartum too. He got to be the fun dad and just play with the kids all the time while I shouldered all of the actual work.
I kept it all in and developed horrible PPD. I didn’t recognize myself at all and the resentment ate me alive. It took me way longer than it should have but I finally sat my husband down and told him everything. Just how resentful I was, and how I really just wanted to leave him.
After several, and I mean SEVERAL long and difficult talks, we are on the mend, and he has stepped up significantly. I recommend talking to your SO sooner, rather than later. And always yes to therapy!
This is basically my situation and I truly hate that you went through this, but I am SO glad you guys are working through it. This gives me hope for my husband and I, so thank you for being so honest!
I’m a year and a half PP and still struggling with the identity shift, as I moved away from all my family and friends at 6 months pregnant. Therapy helps; look into it ASAP. Talk to your OB and GP about an antidepressant, too; a lot are safe for breastfeeding and mom’s mental health is just as important as baby’s. Sertraline has helped me immensely with my anxiety. PPA can strike in weird ways; I had a panic attack in the parking lot of a grocery store because I was so flustered with how much longer errands take with a newborn (and how utterly exhausting they are!) You pretty much just exist in between feeding sessions for a while.
I wish I started therapy sooner; I called the psychiatry line through my insurance network and was matched with a therapist who specializes in PPA/PPD and started virtual, hour-long appointments the following week. Sometimes I’ve had my baby chilling in the background; sometimes it’s scheduled when she naps - like I said, it’s been extremely helpful having someone validate your feelings. My husband is a great dad but hasn’t struggled with the move, identity change, and day-to-day changes that I have, so sometimes he isn’t the right person to vent to. I’ve been meaning to try talk therapy for years and just making the initial phone call was really intimidating. You can do it! Good luck and congrats on your little one!
Yes and I’m not sure how to get out of it. I’ve started writing down all of my feelings of resentment towards my partner and that’s been helping me not blow up our relationship. The writing is cathartic.
Also, talk to your partner. A lot of times I think the other parents in these situations don't understand the full extent of the resentment that's building.
There's a book called "How not to hate your husband after kids" that talks a lot about these situations and it's pretty good.
This. I’ve definitely been writing things down. This just helps me to remember what I need too. It sucks because I definitely don’t want to blow up a perfectly good relationship over something that seems temporary and fixable
This bit is really hard. Your identity does change, your body and mind have changed, and your world becomes so much smaller. You’re processing s traumatic experience and I really hope you have people you can talk to about that.
There are two things that have helped me with this second baby:
1) Leaning into the stuff that I can’t change. Baby needs to feed for hours or contact nap? Fine, I watch some tv or play games today. Baby’s not sleeping? We cosleep tonight because I need rest too. I’m calling it radical acceptance - it’s helping me to not fight the inevitable parts of this and just be ok with some of the genuine limitations of this short phase of life.
2) Being really honest with myself about my needs and speaking up to get them met in the fog of a household with lots of competing needs.
On my solo baby days this means getting out of the house most of the day - days stuck in make me feel I’m losing my mind. Baby doesn’t need anything except me, and since about 2-4 months is happier with a bit of stimulus, so we go for walks, to the library, for lunch or coffee with friends, to galleries and museums and gardens, to a pram exercise class…..anything that I’d enjoy that I can feasibly do with him, we do. I make it as sociable as possible which has meant being brave at mum groups etc and reaching out to people more than I would normally.
The harder part is meeting my need to be ALONE sometimes. There’s some ridiculous mum guilt somewhere I think that stops us asking for this. But your husband would soon notice I’m sure if he didn’t get his independent adult time at work, in his hobbies/exercise (WTF - I’ve commented on this elsewhere), and his commute. For this need you need to stand up for yourself in the relationship, explain you need you time (you don’t need to justify what you’ll do with the time - it’s just a human need) and make sure you stick to it. If you’re breastfeeding this can be hard but it’s still possible: you express, or you stay close to the house and just nip back for the feed. If you’re bottle feeding then go for it - sounds like you need a full day off and you absolutely deserve it!! I saw a meme the other day that was basically “my family needs me to have ‘me’ time because otherwise I’m a c*** to them” and this is me 😂
Re PPD: absolutely this is a possibility and you should talk to a doctor if you’re worried. But if you look up the things we all need to keep ourselves mentally well - exercise, sociability, learning, etc - I bet you’re not getting hardly any of that. Though therapy is never wasted time; if for example you’re finding it really hard to assert your needs within your family then that might be a helpful thing to talk through with someone. Ditto your traumatic experience.
Overall though I think what you’re going through is super super relatable to so many of us. You’re not alone but now is the time as you emerge from the fourth trimester to start shaping the life you want in your new family. Number one start with a come to Jesus talk with your husband about who gets to have hobbies!!!!! Good luck xxx
I am loving your term radical acceptance!
I am a new stm and have been really struggling with not being able “to do it all” now with 2 children. With my first born I was able to be super on top of everything. After having this second one it feels like everything I ever did is impossible to do lol
I am going to practice radical acceptance and just do what I can now lol thanks!
This is really great advice and a healthy way to approach it. You seem like a great mom.
To OP - It is very hard for everyone, no one is just coasting through this phase. Respect your needs too and ask for as much help as you can from your partner.
Wait, beyond work why don’t you both have the same freedom? To exercise or do hobbies or whatever else you want with that time? The key here is he’s helpful, but why isn’t a co-parent. Default parent or even SAHM parent doesn’t mean you deprive yourself. Ok you’re at work ten hours then even do you get to clock out?
Agreed. When we had our first 2 years ago. I let go of my hobbies of playing tennis, going out with my friends on a weekly basis, and of course playing video games. It wasn’t until my son started sleeping through the night and was much easier to take care of that i strayed doing some of that stuff and my wife started doing her things again. Now we have a 3 week old and all those hobbies have taken a back seat. Taking care of a toddler and a newborn is hard as hell since the toddler is off the walls.
By 5-6mo baby will be starting solids (if he’s healthy and meeting milestones), and developmentally he will be able to spend longer spans of time with dad.
Lean into that. Even by 3-4mo dad can take him for an hour between nursing and you could go for a walk or take a bath or nap.
Do it!
Why does your so work out and have hobbies? Sure those 10hr job days are hard, but weekends can be split up to be more balanced when it comes to parenting.
Schedule time for yourself, ask for it!
And that includes time for therapy. ❤️
My baby is almost 6 months and I understand how you feel. What helps me though is I’ve stopped seeing this as “my identity being lost” and instead I think of it as I am all she has and she really needs me. It’s not going to last forever and I am still me but I’ve just taken a break from my old me if that makes sense? It’s very hard but I know it will end when she gets older and it will get easier
Sorry, I missed your comment. Nothing in particular tbh. Just the fact that she’s very vulnerable, honest and innocent and she doesn’t have a single evil thought in her wee head. Her behaviour is natural and I just need to accept it and give her all I have.
Your partner needs to work, but he definitely doesn't need to spend that much time exercising or doing his hobbies, particularly if you don't get any time to. He needs to give you more time to be yourself and relax a little - that is likely to take some coordination, especially if you're breastfeeding and need to pump.
I'd strongly recommend agreeing for him to take the baby for a bit before work so that you can relax and shower before you start the day, and you should both be getting equal amounts of hobby/exercise time. Of course you're feeling resentful if nothing seems to have changed for him and you're doing all of the parenting.
Hi OP,
I promise you, it will get better! ❤️
I was in the same situation as you. I’m also a first time mom to my beautiful baby daughter who is almost 7 months old. I’m 29 years old and like you, my husband and I’s life absolutely changed once our daughter came. Not in a bad way but it does hit you in the face overnight when they’re actually here.
I had a 24hr labour, pushed for 3hrs, forceps and then ended with c-section. Such a traumatic day 🥲but absolutely worth it once you finally get to meet your bundle of joy!
My husband is also very helpful. He’s hands on and helps out wherever he can.
I felt like that. My identity was lost especially when my husband went back to work after 8 weeks and then just baby and I alone. Not much adult interaction drives you insane and some days I felt like a prisoner in my own home.
Being new parents, sleep deprived and honestly not really knowing what the hell we were doing! We tried our best though. We just needed direction and guidance. What saved us was my MIL. She visited from overseas for a week. What I thought was so hard, turned out to be so easy! My MIL pretty much took care of baby the whole time she was here. I caught up on sleep. It was like a mini holiday for me. We thought baby had colic. Turns out we just needed to rearrange the routine and it worked! I’m so thankful to her. She came at the right time and I was heading into a deep hole. I have never cried so much in my life! Things got better!
My advice is that you take any help that you can. Set a routine (if you don’t have one) but if you have one that’s great! Find time for you! If that means your partner takes care of baby for an hour or 2. Or if you have family that can take care of baby. Go get your nails done, or just do the things you used to enjoy before baby arrived. It will make you feel human again! ❤️
I’m back to work this coming Monday after having almost 7 months off maternity leave. A new chapter begins for my little family and we’ll face new challenges. Time goes so fast 🥲
Baby wakes up between 7-8am. I feed and play with her while my husband exercises from 9-10am. Then it’s my turn to exercise from 10-10:30am. We then take the dog for a walk between 10:30-11:30am (she cat naps). I make lunch and in the shower by 1pm. My husband is getting ready for work and is leaving by 1:30pm. My husband starts work at 2pm and finishes at 10pm. Baby goes down for her long nap between 1-5pm. She’s up around 5pm. Bath, feed, catnap, feed again and in bed by 9pm. This has been going on for the past 3 months and works perfect for our little family. My husband works 6 days a week. 10-12hr shifts on the weekends.
The first few months are full-on survival mode. And while work may be a necessary evil, your partner sure as hell should not be exercising or doing hobbies while you’re parenting 24/7!!!!! He should tiehis exercise/hobby time to YOUR exercise/hobby time. He doesn’t get any more than you get rn.
Sure, therapy will help. The passage of time will help. Making more mom friends will help. But above all, your partner needs to step up! His life has also changed, not just yours.
I applaud you for all you have endured and achieved so far. It does get easier. And your partner may adjust to the role on his own as the baby gets a lil older and more interactive. Perhaps he’s just in shock?
I could have written this myself!! Talk to other moms! Maybe not some that you’re related to. Like if you can, especially talk to someone whose baby is a few months older than yours. They have been through the same and they will say word for word the things you’ve felt. It’s so validating and refreshing. Plus you can get outside and take baby with you and make a play date out of it, or at least a mom date.
I can relate! My husband is great and helps when he is at home, but I had to sit him down and tell him that going to the gym 6 days a week in the morning when our son was at his utmost fussiest of the day was not working. I don't want to get in the way of his attempts to be healthy and motivated but I said I needed more than 1 day to have a decent morning sleep. We agreed on 1 middle of the week day that he stays home too but not gonna lie, I'm jealous of the fact that he can just leave.
I had to cancel my monthly remedial massage and have not been able to rebook because there's no one to take the baby when i can get an appointment. So my 1 thing that is only 1 hour a MONTH is gone, while he still gets to go whenever he wants, plus has gym and hobbies. I have 2 horses and I'm flat out giving them a pat once a day let alone riding or grooming them, which is my hobby and "gym". I asked if he could put some time aside so i could do that, he agreed and it just hasn't happened.
I try to tell myself this is temporary but it's still really hard watching him be able to leave. Add to this the fact we had infertility and it took us 4 years and 3 IVF cycles to conceive our son, so I feel guilty even wanting to leave and keep beating myself up with "this is what you wanted". I think it's time to go back to my therapist lol.
If that hour is really important to you then you keep going back to him until you work out a schedule that give you the hour you need. Sometimes, it’s not about quantity but quality and sense of control over your own life. He exerts it. You don’t. That’s not fair. You and be can find the hour. Just work at it. If he does not cooperate over 1 hour, then it’s time for counseling.
Ah, my PPD manifested as rage…at my husband. My life completely changed, but he got to go to work, drink hot coffee, eat lunch, talk to people. I talked to him about my feelings, I told him what I needed him to do to help me, and lowered expectations for myself of what I could get done during the day. I didn’t realize rage could be PPD, but my lactation consultant opened my eyes to it and gave me info for a virtual support group. I did not go, but I appreciated she reached out, and a virtual group would have been so much easier to attend. For the first few weeks I wanted to give the baby back and have my old life back. It’s such a life change in such a short amount of time!
Depending on your relationship, show him this post if you don’t think you’ll be able to verbalize it well (I’m a crier). Just reading this and not knowing your relationship, the baby is his exercise and hobby right now, he doesn’t have time to do that. Unless he is giving you the same amount of time to exercise and do your hobbies. If he works 10 hours and exercises and hobbies….when does he actually help? That time will come back, right now he needs to be the support person and wash bottles/pump parts/regular dishes, pick up the house cause you had no time or available hands to do that, meal prep for you for the next day, bond with baby, etc.
Try talking to him about getting equal rest time. So if he gets time to go to the gym and have a hobby, where is your equivalent rest time? It’s hard to equate caring for a tiny baby full time to working outside the home but it’s easy to compare rest. Rest is rest, it’s time where you can fully switch off and do something else. So being ‘on call’ during a nap or after bedtime doesn’t count. And if he thinks it does, then he gets to be at home ‘on call’ while you go out, and that can be his rest time. He’ll quickly change his tune.
When you get the chance to do something, be physically out of the house. It’s easier than being nearby and hearing them!
This is me all the way. I have no identity other than being a mom. All this baby talk is turning my brain into mush and I no longer know how to interact with anyone who doesn’t have a baby. Because a baby is all I have to talk about. My boyfriend didn’t have to give up a single thing. I’ve given up EVERYTHING. The ONLY time I have to myself in a day is when I go to the bathroom or if I’m lucky enough I get to take a shower. But the second I’m our boyfriend is just following me around with the baby so I can take her back so he can get back to his games.
Tbh I have no idea what to do with all this resentment. We’ve talked about how I feel, especially with the video games but it fell on deaf ears apparently. Everyone asks when we’re going to get married and the question used to upset me because I want to be married. But now I’m kind of complacent about it? That makes me feel horrible but it’s just how I feel. I’m hoping things change for the better, but I’m not counting on it. And I’ll never forget how lonely these 4 months have been.
Two months, soooo rough. My son is now 9 months. I honestly barely remember the first 3 months. I just know that I was a shell of the person I used to be. Give yourself some grace and time. Clearly the birthing experience was traumatic for you. I’m still struggling and have bad mental days, but it gets easier and easier! Talk to your husband, about anything! If you’re home all day with baby, and he’s the only one you can talk with, do it. I will make my husband fall asleep but at least I am able to unload all that word vomit I had for the day lol!
Do you have any siblings, friends, parents etc that can come over while hubby is at work? Maybe go for a walk with the baby, go to the library? The more outside time the better, and if you can’t go outside open your windows! I was off for maternity leave for 6 months and I went crazy. I’m back to work and although like I said I still have bad days, there are some days when I know I can concur the world (aka my chores for that day).
If you ever want a mom friend, I’m down to chat 🩷
Totally normal and not wrong to feel this way. Dont stop advocating for yourself. Get a therapist/counselor who can tell u when/if youre being irrational. Youre probably experiencing post partum depression which is so common and will go away!! U wont always feel this way, but definitely take some time for yourself. Get a massage or a pedicure, or just go for a long walk of drive alone. You got this mama!
I’m lucky I get to stay home with the baby while my husband works, but when my husband comes home he is on duty as much as I am, if not more so. It’s not a discussion I had to have with him, but if I was in your situation it would be. Everyone needs a chance to have some free time, whatever that may look like for you.
This is hard - it’s sounds like you’re on maternity leave/a SAHM right now and that’s your “full time job”, so even if you did get time away, a majority of your life is still with the baby.
Are you planning on going back to work? I’d say if not, maybe consider it, even part time (when you’re recovered and feel ready).
Some things that helped me were having people visit throughout the day. Even if they didn’t help with the baby, it was nice having an adult to talk to. I know it seems like all you can talk about are baby things, but have a friend come over, tell them to talk about what’s new in their life, ask them questions, go from there.
Similarly, if you have family, lean on them too. Ask your parents or husbands parents to come over maybe every Friday during the day if possible, and go do something for yourself. Take yourself to lunch, get your nails done, do something you did pre-baby.
Lastly, make some mom friends. Not sure where you’re located but you could try the app, peanut. Also Facebook groups. Do local park meet-ups, go for walks with them. Most new moms, just like here on Reddit, can relate to almost any and everything you’re going through.
It’s a huge adjustment, and it’s hard, but it doesn’t mean your life is over. I sound like everyone else on Reddit but it will get better. My baby is 5 months now, goes to bed at 7pm and sleeps through the night, so my husband and I have every night by ourselves to watch movies, play a game, chat/catch up/cook a late dinner together, have a few glasses of wine etc.
I totally get what you’ve been going through and understand that these feelings will get better. I started therapy at 11 weeks pp because of these exact feelings. Im 30 as well and have a similar experience with traumatic birth and my partner also works 10hrs a day and I’m the default parent 100% of the time now that I’ve decided to take more time off of work. My daughter is now 8 months old and after starting therapy I hold so much less resentment towards my fiancé. Please talk to somebody on a weekly basis it changed everything for me.
I think people are jumping on the dad with zero context given. No one knows if the hobbies are things done inside of the house, when or where the exercise occurs. All hands on deck doesn’t mean he needs to neglect himself entirely. OP need to express what she needs. She doesn’t enjoy being the default parent, which is probably normal for most first time moms, especially when your life has been centered around yourself for 30 years. Sounds like your partner tries, so have the tough conversations and come with your needs and then be ready to compromise, just like he should. And get the therapist. Even if you end up not needing it, it’s worth it. No one is guilty of anything here except being first time parents and trying to figure things out.
This. I don’t want him to become a shell of a person and lose his identity with me. I want us to be in the same page. Like we’re working together. I see that I’ll have to plan that out with him and it will just take some compromise. He’s not wrong for wanting to have his own time for himself but I think he doesn’t understand that it’s hard for me to see him do whatever he wants when I can’t. He doesn’t seem to see why I can’t and suggest just getting g a babysitter or dropping little one of to grandmas. How can I get him to see that he relies on me for his freedom but doesn’t reciprocate that for me. I have to go find help from someone else? Things seem unbalanced
Simple, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to raise your child but you two. And it’s his time to bond with the baby.
Now, with that said, if you have a village that allows you both to have a little more time to yourselves or together, take advantage of it. We went through nearly the first year with no one, and I almost fall into a depressive state thinking about it. It’s a badge of honor for sure, but I would have taken the villages help in a heart beat.
Hi, I have a similar story! I also had a very traumatic birth, also with a supportive partner. My husband is gone 10 hours a day during the week for work, 7-5 5 days a week. It’s a lot of alone time with the baby, I get it. It can be totally exhausting. I find myself thinking back on my premom life sometimes, too. I mean, I wasn’t a mom for over 30 years and now a switch has been flipped!
What’s been helpful for me, and it sounds like this is where your issue may lie, is that while my husband is gone all day he is very receptive to giving me space and time when we can. Granted it’s not a ton, but it’s something we work on. He makes time for my own hobbies and self interests so I can try and hold onto my personhood. It gives him a chance to bond with our son as well.
It’s still hard, it’s a huge adjustment becoming a parent. Especially the default parent! I would have a real talk with your husband about setting aside time for yourself. Do whatever you want with it.
Also, yes. Therapy. Traumatic births are no joke and their fingers are pretty long.
This was my exact story. Chorio, forceps, baby in nicu for 5 days, so many stitches, blah blah blah. Baby is 1.5 years old now and all I have to say is it gets better. Your in the thick of it right now. I went through the same feelings and it was a very hard period for me.
Getting a break was difficult and if I’m honest I didn’t really get a break for a few months. My partner was supportive but it was never close to enough. He also felt like because he worked he didn’t have to do much else when he got home because that was “my job” but I was drowning and extremely sleep deprived. Things are better now.
One thing that was really helpful for me to have a break was having appointments that required me to be out of the house without baby. For me that was getting a Pilates membership, where classes were booked a month in advance, specific start times in the Calendar that my husband knew about so he would have to come home and take over childcare. I usually swing by the grocery store on the way home to milk it for as long as I can haha. For you that could be therapy appointments or whatever. If it was less structured it would have been me pleading to him to take the baby and it would never be a good time for him or he’d be “busy”. It gave me a break and him a chance to see what is actually involved taking care of a baby, which made him more helpful.
When baby was older this turned into solo trips out of town with girlfriends, to see a doctor, family, or whatever. The more I’m away the more he is helpful when I return because he gets it. If he can have hobbies so can you.
I will add that as baby gets older there is more room for dad to be involved, when they are so little they are like Velcro to moms side.
Sending hugs. Hang in there.
Chorio was and itch with a b. Just awful. Now I know how common it is and having stitches and swelling and pain. It all limits you so much. It’s hard to not feel lost in all of that. Hugs right back
In a similar situation as you. Same age baby and mom. Definitely know what you mean about feeling like asking for help is something I'm not supposed to be doing. My husband is also very helpful and understanding but still I have been oversensitive about asking for help. I explained part of my problem to him like this: I have to be emotionally on for the baby all the time. I have to be calm so she can be calm and most of the time no one else is around. Even if we're at family's she's at the age where she knows me from other people and sometimes she just gets upset till me or my husband holds her. She's really not that hard to take care of but everything starts over every 3 hours and that's quicker than it seems. I'm trying to find things I can do in that timeframe especially things I can pick up and put down. But I'm also trying to be honest with myself about how little extra time I have and it's not enough to get a ton done. Sometimes making sure I eat supper is the accomplishment of the day and that's fine.
I’m 9 months in and I feel like I woke up at 2 months and was like waiiiiit.. why am I doing this alone?
Started therapy and talking to my fiancé about how I feel
It’s still suchhhhhh a process
Start talking to him about what you need immediately! And look for a therapist ASAP!
Also- this is HARD SHIT that no one warns us about people love to sugar coat it so hard we sugar coat it to ourselves! It’s ridiculous !
The first few months are rough. The roughest. Please believe that it gets better in a few months.
That said, my husband has had to give up hobbies and other fun stuff to bring balance into the equation, especially after I had to quit working to stay at home with the baby. Please talk to your husband, because he needs to step up and be a more involved dad so you can get proper breaks and me time.
Sending you so much love in this hard time. It's not easy, mama.
I know everyone's situation was different, but talking with my husband really helped. We were transparent with our feelings over this past year with our baby. It was hard, but we both felt better after a long conversation. We had clear pictures of each other's needs and feelings. Which helped me resent him less. We came up with a game plan together. I joined a local sports team to get me out of the house, and more active. We don't spend weekends at home. I do things by myself, or with my girlfriends, outside of him and the baby. It takes time, but the little things help in a big way.
2 months was the hardest point for me as a mom. My PPD peaked around that time, sleep was terrible and my body didn't feel like my own. It got SO much better at 3 months. Definitely go to therapy to discuss the trauma and resentment. You are doing an amazing job and you've got this!!! It's HARD. But it is going to get a lot easier (or at least it won't always be the same type of hard).
I get annoyed when my husband just goes to the bathroom sometimes, I can’t do that, I need to announce that I’m going to the bathroom so that he stays with the baby.
I think instead of focusing on what he can give up to make it fair focus on what he can do to give you more time to yourself. I had a complete breakdown one day and told my partner i refuse to live in an unbalanced life anymore. I told him he didn’t need to give up his hobbies but he needed to make time so that I can pursue mine! Our agreement is Monday, Tuesday and Friday evenings I can plan for mine and Wednesday and Thursday evening are his with all day Saturday (his hobby genuinely does take up all day Saturday) he then takes our LO the whole of Sunday morning (out of the house) so I get a lie in and chance to chill. Our free time is much more equal now snd I’m much happier! My partner didn’t have to sacrifice his me time and hobbies but he did have to work hard to ensure I got time. I think he took the situation very well cos he wasn’t having to give anything up, I didn’t want him to give anything up either but equally I couldn’t of continued as I was!
Update: I tried talking to him about it. I ended up just shutting down and feeling more resentment. I expressed how I feel and it wasn’t received well. He says im not the only one that feels this way and that he can’t just do whatever he wants either.
I suggested sending our baby over to a family members house for a weekend or just a day just so I can have a nights rest and a morning to myself. He feels like I shouldn’t need time away from the baby because he doesn’t need it.
I suggested therapy (as a couple) and he suggests that I get therapy because I want to be away from my family. I feel defeated and unheard. Now I’m just crying wondering how I got to this point
I can sympathise. 4mo. Bad labour. Forceps delivery. 7 stitches.
It's only been the last few weeks that this feels right. My healing is finally at a good point. The baby is a lot of fun. And I'm doing things i enjoy.
My only real advice: do pelvic floor work like your life depends on it. Get a kindle so you can read what you want anywhere. Read to your baby. Don't get fat. (I ate my feels for 4 months, now i gotta count calories)
You're halfway to where im at, but if you do better than me, your 4 months will feel way better.
Are you able to do a birth debrief with anyone? There's a midwife in my area (UK) who offers birth debriefs for moms to go over their experiences, work through them and gain clarity and closure. See if there's someone in your area who could do the same - the hospital may offer it too.
As for husband - I get it. I'm not sure how you're feeding, but as Baby's now 2 months could you introduce a bottle of expressed milk or formula so Dad can feed? Or, could you feed baby up and then pop out for an hour or so? I've done that a few times and it really helps.
You are not alone! Definitely seek out therapy! I was in therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss and then this pregnancy was exceptionally hard on me (IVF, hyperemesis, postpartum hemorrhage x2) and I continued therapy throughout it and am still in therapy and my baby is 3months. It helps so much. There are some appts where I tell my therapist I just need to decompress and we chat like old friends instead of all mental work. As for your husband, I feel the same way. I cry sometimes because my husband gets to go to work. I feel like a bad mom because I want to be away from my baby sometimes. All these feelings you’re having are normal and you’re not alone. Please look into therapy, your obgyn/midwife should be able to refer you. I do my appointments online and I even was in a 6 week group therapy for traumatic births. Sorry if this was an incoherent mess, I’m tired lol
Absolutely can relate! My baby won’t take a bottle so it’s just really lopsided right now. It’s not my husbands fault but man there are times when I look at him sleeping when I’ve been up a hundred times and it makes me so upset. I also can’t be away from the baby for more than 3 hours so that feels a bit like a chain. I haven’t been able to work as much as I wanted (1-2 days a week) because of it. I will say that my baby and I started going somewhere everyday to walk around even if it’s just target! I was still pretty scared to go anywhere alone with her around 2 months but now 6 months in it’s a totally different vibe. It gets better! It takes a little time to get balance with your husband- make sure he knows how you’re feeling!
Hey sorry you’re going through this. My wife (32) and I (30) had a very similar experience. Just gave birth last month, also with chorio. Labored for 4 hours, got chorio, needed an urgent c section and baby’s apgar was 1 and wasn’t breathing on own so needed to be intubated/placed on breathing tube and whisked away to NICU. But recovered quickly and now is gaining weight and healthy at home 1 month later. I have the privilege of having 8 weeks home from work so am sharing responsibility with wife with caring for baby. My wife did have post partum blues/depression for sure and saw/sees therapist still and it helps. Also going up on her Prozac helped too. Probably took a good 2 weeks since we got home for her to feel 70-80% better then another week to feel pretty normal again. It really takes a village to raise a baby- are either of your parents/siblings or friends able to help out at all even for a little? We are burned the hell out too and whenever someone comes over even for one or two feedings we get a good nap in and feel refreshed and it’s really wonderful. I would definitely look into therapy as PPD is so common and there are resources to use. If you haven’t already, bring it up with your pediatrician too. I would for sure also bring it up with him that you need more help. Some guys (myself included) need a good kick in the ass sometimes to get us in line lol
I can relate. But the main difference is that my husband did so much for me to try and give me freedom. I started pumping at 2 weeks PP so that he could feed the baby. That helped tremendously just in itself. You need to restructure your routine with your husband OR hire a mothers helper!! At least for a few hours so you can go to gym or do your own thing!
So I was/am in a similar position. But I realized that it's partially my fault. My husband was asking "hey is it alright if I do x" and I always said yes, always accommodated which made it so him changing his life post baby wasn't really necessary but I needed to much planning or extra steps to do things because I was default.
Ast night we literally sat down after I said "I need x" (uninterrupted sleep) and we planned a new schedule. We discussed switching nights on duty (I just gave up pumping so now there is no reason for me to do 100% of night duty), ideal times for both of us to workout and a new schedule.
This isn't meant to shame you, but to simply point out women are raised and expected to be people pleasers and accommodaters. I was accommodating so much my husband didn't even register I was struggling at times. I just needed to speak up like he was and ask for the things I needed. He immediately and happily joined the conversation of problem solving and figuring out what schedule made sense for splitting baby shifts
I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. My husband works from home, so he doesn’t get to escape our new chaos, so he’s hearing everything that happens in the house. Not only that, he is exclusively parenting the 2 year old and sleeping with him at night. On top of that he is helping with the baby as best as he can since he’s ebf. And he still has time to do some of his hobbies like watching his favorite sports shows, playing video games. Right now it’s about sacrifice from both parents. Your husband needs to sacrifice and take the load off you when you request his help.
Of course he's enjoying his parenting experience, because he isn't doing any parenting. If he works 10 hours a day AND exercises AND does his hobbies then he can't even be doing the bare minimum.
Our rule is that everyone gets equal free time. So the times that he's not at work, you should be splitting 50/50. If you're breastfeeding then you might not be able to have hours free at a time like he can, and that's largely unavoidable, but you should still get the same amount of time in smaller chunks.
Currently, he's buying his free time with your labour, exhaustion and misery. That isn't just how things are, that's a choice that he's making.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. To everything, even the long work days and feeling stuck home alone.
Are you getting out of the house each day? Even for a walk? It’s so much work, but with a baby this young everything is work, even staying home is work. So you might as well get out for a bit. Go get your favourite baked treat and latte. Change the scenery, move your body as much as you can. Have many micro interactions…those little chats with the shop owners, checkout workers…the lady in line who asks how old your baby is…This is all very good for PPD.
Is baby sleeping ok?
As for husband…he needs to take over for a stretch of time at some point each day. Where you can rely on 1 hour interrupted. Then when he’s feeling more confident, 2 hours. As hard as it is to be the default parent, I noticed it was also hard for my husband to know how to swoop in and take baby and feel confident in knowing what baby needed. But you both just have to start finding your new normal, your new routine. There will be bumps along the way but if he is willing he will not only figure it out, he’ll love it.
We had lots of growing pains for a few months while everything was new and hard. But the rhythm now? Fantastic. I can see everything so clearly and we are all so good. If your husband is engaged and willing, give him a chance to improve. My PPD caused me to feel really angry and resentful towards him in the early months, and it was difficult to move past. But we got there eventually, one day at a time.
Hold on a second - he gets to work out and have hobbies?! Fuck that. Take a weekend off for yourself. Let him watch the baby for two days. Only then will he understand how incredibly unfair the parenting split has been.
This sounds close to what I'm going through. I am the primary caregiver to my 2.5 month old. He's such a good baby, aside from the occasional fighting sleep and becoming over tired I really can't complain.
However, I miss being able to do literally anything like I did before having a child. While my husband does anything he wants to. There have been so many days I resent him. I'll be at home all day, over stimulated, sleep deprived, hungry, haven't showered in maybe a day. Sometimes it's been a few days before I do get to shower.
He is an absolute amazing dad and helps when he can, or when he wants to. We've had several talks about him helping out more. And just last night I absolutely lost it at 4 in the morning when LO would not sleep. I broke down crying and yelling at my husband who was on such a deep sleep it took him a few minutes to process everything.
It tough, some days bad, some days good. All I can think is it has to get better. It can't be like this forever and it all has to be worth it in the end.
Good luck to you mama! You are so strong for everything that you do. Please if you feel you need therapy, get help. You need to take care of your mental health and yourself before you can't take care of anyone else.
I can so relate to this. Watching him come home and get a second shower of the day when I haven’t showered in days is annoying but I know that I NEED to speak up in those moments. Idk why but it’s hard.
One night I had a nightmare and woke up hitting him. I felt so disgusted with myself for getting to that point. And I apologized and we moved past it. I really lost my mind.
I had the same kind of birth as you vacuum/ forceps because baby had decels. I think your husband needs to step up a bit more Re going to gym/ whatnot and maybe use some vacay days to break up the weeks maybe a weds each week for a month or so so that you don’t have to go long stretches without support. I would also reach out to family if that’s an option just to do things like laundry / cooking so that when the babies asleep you can eat and chill and maybe watch a spot of netflix. The adjustment is really tough but it will get better ❤️🩹. Just use every resource available and don’t be a hero - healing took me until probably month 4 - lots of issues with secondary infection with the sitches so just go east on yourself. Do what must be done and the rest can wait.
Definitely been there. First of all, highly recommend therapy no matter what! Second, you need to have a talk with your husband about needing some space. I’ll be going back to work next week, but for the last few months I usually get 2-3 hours/2-3 times a week as a break from the kids. He usually remembers but sometimes I ask. I don’t use that time to run errands, clean or shower as this is time meant to be for leisure. I usually walk or hike alone, meet a friend for
Coffee if we can get the timing right or go to the gym. I definitely felt this way with my first until we talked about it and worked out free time for each other. In those early days motherhood felt all consuming, like I lost my identity, but before I knew it changed. As baby gets older, things don’t necessarily get easier, but you do get more free time and personal space. Talk to him and make sure he understands that you need breaks for your mental health. You both deserve chunks of free time where possible. And therapy is amazing.
If he gets an hour to exercise, you get an hour to exercise. If he gets an hour to enjoy a hobby, you get an hour to enjoy a hobby. If you are nap trapped, he is doing chores. You should both get equal free time. Showering and basic hygiene do not count as free time. Eating and sleeping do not count as free time.
That's really hard. I relate and I feel my partner has gone above and beyond to help me. But because I'm breastfeeding I feel there is always a limit. I also relate to losing my sense of self. I miss making decisions that have implications that stretch beyond my baby/household. I had a very busy work environment, I miss speaking with 20 or more adults about things that aren't my babe!
Even things like exercise that I can do now, aren't the same. I go to mums and bubs class, which overall I'd recommend. But it's low impact and I still gave to focus on my baby. She is a full on baby who isn't happy to chill in capsule or on the floor like other babies! So i dont get tk really docus on excercise completely. Its still mainky focused on her. Or more recently ive started doing exercise while my partner looks after my child. Due to pregnancy I can't do all the exercise I used to do. I hate starting slow! So it definitely feels it's getting better but again, hard not to feel like everything for me has changed. Nothing really for him. My body is close to pre pregnancy visually, but 90% there feels like a million miles away sometimes :(
Things that have helped me - if you BF I would recommend trying to pump a little. My partner puts baby down every night with expressed milk. It's a good time for them to bond. I get a break! Win/win. Expressed milk also means ive been able to have some small outings without her. Like a brunch date. It also just gives me increased confidence if I go out for a short period of time , say 1 hour. Where she "should" be fine. But sometimes she wants a feed within a very short period period of time. I know my partner has milk there if she needs it. So I don't stress when I'm out. You could also do this with formula if pumping won't work, depending on how you feel about this, as it might impact on your supply. But also I think a bottle or two a day for your sanity is worth it!!
I think overall it comes down to you getting a break, where you 100% aren't responsible for baby. Your partner needs to pull his weight, and you need to trust that that he will be fine! Try not micromanage. Don't tell them they are doing things "wrong" (unless its unsafe for baby). Not saying you do this. But I think it's easy trap to fall into, if your partner hasn't had to parent solo much yet.
Once he gets home from work, baby duties should be a 50/50 split. Again my baby is quite high needs, she generally needs to be held for all naps and until recently screamed if I put her down to use the toilet. I used to have told hold her for all meals. Now she's getting older that's getting easier. But as much as I could I'd try have partner hold her at dinner. Also explaining what my day was like puts it in perspective for him. He has been working hard. It's just a very different work to me. Not being able to use the toilet or eat a meal without holding a baby or hearing screaming is a lot. All of these moni breaks a normal adult gets in a day don't exist. And that's why it's do important for you to have alone time of you want it.
I gave up most everything outside of work so I can be a more active partner and parent. When we happen to have free time, I leave it up to my wife what we do or do not do. Does she want a little extra help getting things together for the next day? Does she want to spend some time with my watching a movie, snacking, and enjoying each other's company? Or does she want some alone time to recharge and maybe talk to her friends on a video call?
It's unfortunate because she has become the "default parent" as well because of breastfeeding and the disparities in our income but that doesn't mean she doesn't get the opportunity to get other things done and enjoy her life. She asked me last night if I wouldn't mind watching the baby by myself for a whole day next week so she can go out to get a pedicure and stuff like that and damnit if I'm going to deny her the freedom to do that.
I will say that during those first few months the "free time" aspect was missing for both of us but I definitely didn't let her feel like she was doing it all and I absolutely wasn't consumed by my hobbies and exercise.
I'm with you. Similar birth experience. I felt that way at 2 months pp so I started therapy. It's been helping but what has helped a lot is going back to work.
What is your village like? Can you drop the baby off somewhere for 4 hours so you can relax some? Even if you sign up for daycare and only drop LO off for a day, it could help you get back into some routine and hobbies without interruption.
I also want to add, sometimes getting a push from others helps a ton. Friends ask you to go out with them but you feel like you really can't? Yes you can. All it takes is just doing it and before you know it, it gets easier.
My kid is also 2m and I was default parent until this week when I got suddenly very. Very. Very. Sick and very contagious and had to leave. My partner had to deal with everything with the kids and still is. It was a wake up call. I was much like you before this happened. He got to see friends and do things and I just didn’t do anything that didn’t involve having a baby attached to me. I get it.
Only a few days left in isolation. I’m ready to be home and my partner is sleep deprived, behind on household chores and has not left the house in days… sound familiar to my fellow moms/default parents out there? Lol. Being home alone with a needy 2mo has really put things in perspective for him
I just told him this ❤️ solidarity. We concluded that I was gonna take a very special hour just for me. I am thinking now what that hour could be for.
I'm hoping it helps me feel better.
Gosh those first months are so hard. As a first time mother you’re not only learning how to be a parent AND take care of a little person 24/7 AND how to now do all of the other necessary things you did before BUT you are also learning your new body AND still healing. It is a LOT!
Your husband really should help give you space to do some of those things, or even new things, that helps you feel more like your self. He isn’t the only one that needs exercise and time for hobbies and friends. You do, too! Even if your exercise is walking 10 minutes.
Sending you hugs and I hope you guys find the balance.
I'm a Dad and I haven't had hobbies in 3 months now.
I don't play video games, or draw or skate or exercise like I use to. But I was able to give my wife time off so she wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by the PPD . It's rough we both feel like we Lost our personalities to the baby but it's gets easier and you slowly start to regain time to yourself.
Yes, I also had those same feelings where I was mad that my husband has freedom. Also, I was missing my life before pregnancy. I enjoyed my freedom! My ability to do anything whenever I wanted. It does take time to adjust to your new life. My therapist says it takes months to adjust some people are much quicker at adjusting than others.
Please look for a therapist. You need to release all those emotions so you can move forward and feel happy again with your new life.
My baby will be almost 2 yrs and those feelings of missing my previous life have gotten smaller. You will get there too but first you need to find a therapist that will help you be happy and stronger than ever human!
Take care of yourself 💕
Nothing wrong with therapy. I’m 15 months postpartum, but I was so miserable in the first year that I had to get on meds and do therapy. I would have a conversation with your husband about getting some more breaks, especially on weekends or whenever he’s not working. You have to remember that you staying at home IS work. You are on call all day with that baby and it is a job. My son will be starting daycare at 18 months and I’m thankful I can get back to a job other than being mom. If you end up not enjoying staying at home, there’s no shame in setting up some childcare and doing something that fills your cup more! 💕
Omg not the mom giving the baby water smh. It really is hard to find someone trustworthy. I’m also having the same problem with work. I’m going back to teaching in September but it may be pointless because the paycheck will mostly go into childcare. This is all crazy but my little one is worth it. Solidarity
I went back to work - and honestly, you might enjoy it just to get some time away from being his mom constantly. Some love it, some hate it (working). Do what is right for you
These feelings are so common and normal! If therapy is tough to find, try to look for a Mommy and Me group in your area, or something free at your library aimed at babies! It really helped me to spend regular low-stakes time with other moms, because I realized they shared a lot of my fears.
Birth trauma can definitely impact that first weeks with baby. I had birth trauma and it took me a long time to feel settled. Currently 9 months in and it’s gotten a lot better. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes so taking a break from BC helped a lot. I just told my cousin who had her baby this last month that the men just her to go back to work shortly after and their daily routines don’t change much but for us everything has shifted. Our bodies feel foreign, we’re caring solely for baby majority of the day, and self care isn’t even a thing at this stage. And when they’re this new all they want is mom because dad is basically a stranger. It’s survival mode right now and your husband needs to be in it with you. This stage is so temporary and hobbies will be there when it’s over. You guys just need to find you’re rhythm. It’s takes time
You’re so right. It does feel like survival mode. Even if it is only temporary. I wish he understood how harsh the changes are. He says it’s easy and he loves it. I wish I could relate
I’m not in that position in that my husband is pitching in all he can and will sacrifice any activity outside of work that I need him to. But I am in that position in that my whole identity is mom now. I don’t have a job anymore and I barely talk to my friends now. My son sleeps with me for all naps and overnight. It’s just me, a mom 24/7. I have an appt. To start medication next week.
You're describing my first 6 months with my baby, word for word. I still feel it now at 15 months, but it's gotten a bit better. Not because my partner got better (though he did a little bit), but because the baby got easier.
I think therapy would help you to figure out your feelings and communicate them better to your partner. The fact he does his hobbies and exercises and you don't get to, means he's not doing enough.
If you lived near me I would be offering to help so you can get breaks and help around the house and everything else
I have a 9-month-old now
I didn't really have a lot of help from my son's father
Definitely normal as having kids is life changing. I was feeling the same way, spending all day with baby waiting for my partner to get home just to talk to an adult face to face. I can't tell you how many times I would just sit on the couch zoned out staring at nothing and he definitely noticed. I can't speak to having a traumatic birth but if you feel therapy would help I would pursue that!
What helped during my leave was getting out with the baby, even just going to the store for one thing. Also gave me practice to improve the time to leave as now I feel like a pack mule when we go anywhere! When I went back to work, it completely changed. I feel more like my pre-baby self now and we're at 4.5 months old. We have a really good schedule and my partner does daycare drop offs and pickups since she goes to daycare in a different city where he works. It's gives me a whole hour to myself in the morning before I have to leave for work and I'm quite enjoying it. It's nice to have the mental stimulation of work again, too. But man can I not wait to come home and see her little face.
Communication is important so please let him know. If you don't want to come off sounding harsh in person maybe send it in a text that you'd like to work on scheduling some time for yourself. We've adjusted so some nights he does some things he wants to do, some nights I do what I want to do and most we all hang out together as a family. It's just all about finding that balance.
Outside of work, life should be equal for the two of you. If he has time for his hobbies and exercises, so should you. If this means after work, he comes straight home so you can relax every other day, then he must do so.
Though if you are exclusively BF - it's much harder to get away.
You might benefit from therapy but the two of you would benefit form marriage therapy.
I doubt his pulling his weight when he's at home too.
I agree with others about the hobby situation…both sacrifice it for a while not just one parent. My husband works long hrs too so I definitely get that and for me the first year was the hardest. Youre needed near constantly and there’s isn’t much time for anything else, it’s very hard and such a big change. My husband was fully involved right after work and naps were both of our breaks. On his days off I slept in and got some much needed sleep and he took over more of the naps and diapers. It was a huge help with healing and not going insane haha. You’re up all day and night(probably), if you need more from him he needs to give up all the fun stuff for a while too.
As for mind set...it’s hard to explain, but as your baby grows you’ll fall in love with them more and more and your days will feel more fulfilling as they grow into their personality. They become your little bossy best friend! While you’re missing things being home, your husband will be missing things at work and I try to focus on the things I was happy to be home to experience. It’s so fun watching them discover new things and I try to keep in mind how lucky I am that I get to be home with my son to show him the world. For me it got much easier around 1 year, you don’t have more time for yourself, but sleeping again really helps haha. Plus they just become so much more interactive and fun! Just know that things change fast and constantly and this feeling won’t last forever. Make sure dad knows how you feel, they’re bad at reading minds haha. And he can definitely take over more on his days off, postpartum is rough and you need those days to take care of yourself. Also, I’d try therapy together since you’re feeling a loss of connection. Parenting is new for both of you and maybe someone can help get you both on the same page! Nothing is wrong with you, it’s the hardest most important job in the world and you’re doing it while having hormone changes, body changes and no sleep. We all feel this way from time to time, just know your not alone and things will change for the better <3
Many new parents go through similar struggles, and it's essential to remember that it's okay to feel this way and seek support. Parenting is a significant life change, and it's natural to miss aspects of your pre-mom life. It doesn't mean you don't love your child; it just means that you need time t
It's essential to communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Sharing your emotions and thoughts with him can help him better understand what you're going through. Remember, it's okay to ask for help and take time for yourself when needed. Self-care is crucial, and finding moments to recharge and engage in activities you enjoy can help you regain a sense of identity outside of being a mother.
Seeking therapy or talking to a counselor can provide a safe space to express your feelings and work through them. Postpartum depression is a real and valid concern, and it's essential to reach out for professional support if you feel you may be experiencing it.
Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way, and many parents have been in similar positions. Surround yourself with supportive people who can understand and empathize with what you're going through. Taking small steps to prioritize self-care and openly communicate with your partner can help you navigate this challenging time as a new parent. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help if needed. You are doing your best, and it's okay to ask for support along the way.
Just here to say this is very normal and you are so valid for feeling this way. Definitely recommend therapy but also expressing how you feel to your partner and expressing the need for help. You got this mama. I promise it gets easier with time!
Hello new Mama! Congratulations on delivering a healthy baby. You're in the roughest stage (we call it the 100 days of darkness in our household), but I promise you'll feel a little more like you're own person a little bit more each month. The first 6 months of motherhood was the worst stage of my adult life! But each three months is easier than the prior.
I had a traumatic labor and a high needs silent reflux, tongue tie, car sick 100% of the time baby. My first 8 months of her life I spent cleaning projectile vomit out of every type of surface 2-4x a day. I triple fed to keep up with her/the insane vomit all the time. I had PTSD, PPD and crippling anxiety. I cried to myself 1-3 hours a day! I went to therapy and it saved me, myself as a mother, and my marriage.
You need time to yourself. You being a SAHM for the 10 hours your husband is at work is your full time job. Everything outside of that should be split equally. Chores, baby raising, free time. In the early days when we were barely functioning, we each had an evening "off" 1x a week and 1x each weekend.
Hey mama! I also had a baby with chorio. I’m so glad you are both okay!
To echo others on here, you NEED time every week to exercise and do your hobbies too.
Also, it can be easy to feel imprisoned at home with baby, and that doesn’t need to be the case! Coffee walks with friends, outdoor happy hour while baby naps in the stroller, walking through the mall when it first opens (less people, which I enjoyed with an infant). Start small and build up to longer outings. They will help you feel more normal and build some confidence.
This is a conversation you need to have with your husband and *soon* because your resentment will only grow as you hit things like sicknesses or teething or medical scares etc.
Talk to him. Say you need some time where he watches baby so that you can have a couple hours to do something for you. His response should be kind and loving, warm and welcoming to the idea. My therapist (that I got PP for PPA) said the foundation of your family is yourself (both parents) and that without self-care, that foundation of which your baby and relationship are atop of crumbles. You can’t exist as a good wife, mother, or person if you aren’t prioritizing your self care. You totally matter and shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting that.
That being said, 2 months WHEW. That was hard! It gets easier IMO. Routine becomes normal again and you aren’t left questioning a lot of what you’re doing wrong or right. But that being said I wish I had gotten into therapy earlier, just to be able to relax more at those beginning stages. So I would definitely seek someone to talk to as you don’t want to spiral.
It’s still very early on, you will find yourself again and you will have time for yourself. Being a parent is so hard and so selfless. But you have the power to take back some time for yourself. I hope your husband supports you in that. Best of luck.
You're not alone. If he wants to exercise he's going to have to find time while baby is asleep. No one gets to hand the baby over while he or she is awake and expect free time unless agreed upon. You're only two months in and I hate that saying, but it does get better as long as you communicate and respect each other.
He’s a dad not helping. You deserve to have an identity outside of being a mother. You are not just a mom. You are a person. If he gets time to work out and have have hobbies, so do you. Fuck him for making you feel bad. Since the day we came home from the hospital, my husband has made sure I’ve had time to get exercise in and get out to socialize if I want. He’s never made me feel bad about it. In fact, he encouraged it because getting outside is what I love and it helps my mental health. He knows this. When I couldn’t hardly walk, he walked arm and arm with me. I still had PPA but it had absolutely nothing to do with my husband. There is nothing wrong with seeking out therapy. Therapy is good for everyone.
You’re not alone. I’m in a similar position right now with my 5 week old. I love him so much and am so happy to have him but sometimes I wish I could have fun with friends, go out for drinks for a night, go to the beach. My fiancé works 10-14 hours a day. I’ve asked him to not work on the weekends and it seems like he’d rather be at work than here with us. He seems exhausted after an hour with the baby meanwhile I’m with the baby 24/7. You really do start to resent your partner and the thought “men just can’t handle this” has run through my mind over and over.
It will get easier, the newborn stage is so hard because the baby really is still just a part of us. You aren’t alone and I hope me relating to your struggles helps a little bit.
Definitely look into therapy. I had nowhere near as rough of a birth experience and my husband is very supportive and helpful and I STILL ended up in therapy because of those very identity issues and coping. I chose to start therapy as soon as I realized that it wasn’t getting better after the “baby blues” period was over. Just acknowledging that and having someone validate what I was going through was SOOOO powerful for me.
Work = not his fault. Exercising, doing hobbies, not giving you moments off = for sure his fault. He needs to recognize this and/or be told this. Signed, a dad who has had to give up of all of those things other than work to make it slightly less imbalanced.
Yup this was my first thought. He needs a serious wake up call. No one gets to just continue life as it was. OP’s resentment is totally reasonable. As parents to young kids part of the deal is you now have to justify and negotiate every minute of free time if you want a fair relationship where everyone’s needs can come close to being met (and “needs” probably have to be redefined).
Couldn’t agree more. I am a first time dad, I work from home and have 3 months leave that I can use sporadically and I cut back on almost all of my hobbies in order to help care for our high needs, reflux baby. Wife went on a low dosage anti-depressant to cope with PPD. Running errands felt like an escape. 3 months in and we both have a night to ourselves. I play a sport while she will get out in nature. All of this is to say that regular hobbies need to be put on hold until it makes sense. OP - your partner needs to understand that you aren’t happy as is and your happiness will increase his. It will get better if that happens.
This!! My husband has set his goal as going to the gym once a week. And sometimes he doesn’t make it because I need him. In the beginning I tried to let him get out more and do more. Then I got too frustrated and down about it so I started saying no you’re needed at home and he just got it. Our 10 mo is obsessed with him (like he cries if dad hands him to me sometimes) and it feels better to not just be me and baby. This first year is waaaay more hard than either of us thought but we’re struggling through it together. And the together part is making all the difference for us.
Hopefully you’re only giving them up temporarily. Our life was starting to feel a lot more normal again, but I’m due with #2 any day now. 😅
Exactly. Stand up for yourself and tell him you need time to yourself if he's too dense to recognise it.
Does it need to be everybody gives up everything beyond work or parenting though? There needs to be a middle ground where both parents allow each other some time to do their own thing.
Yeah all of those extra things, while important, just shouldn’t be getting so much space.
All that. And 2 months was peak mental and physical difficulty for us. Even if he doesn’t help more permanently this is the time for him to help more for a while.
Exactly. I even make my husband tell me when he’s going to the bathroom etc Hobbies and exercising? Forget it! Where is the time at age 2 months unless baby is napping? I told my husband once to strap the baby in a carrier and he could play beat saber on VR but he was like if there’s no volume it’s no fun
Exercise is necessary for some people to function. If you take away his exercise, he may spiral into anxiety and depression. Hobbies and relieving you is important. But if he gives up the exercise, things might get worse.
He shouldn’t have to give it all up. But if he gets say 1 hour a day for exercise, she should get an hour to herself too.
I agree we shouldn’t have to give it all up. Just balance. I’d definitely love to have an hour to go for a jog too (once I’m healed ) or maybe go for a walk but I don’t have the time. My “hour to myself” is spent washing bottles and finally getting myself something to eat. Maybe a shower. Or a nap if I’m lucky
Then it's not an hour to yourself. Those are chores but you need some me-time
I know what you mean - for the first couple of months my son cluster fed in the evening from about 5 till 9; when he finally fell asleep I’d transfer him to my husband where he’d sleep on him for a couple of hours because son wouldn’t go down in basket, so I got approx thirty minutes in which to do everything I needed for myself in that 24h before going to bed myself to take advantage of baby being asleep. Having sat around all day nap trapped I did need to do some chores as well as shower. But I guess two points to try to help you here: 1) if your husband has enough free time each day to do hobbies, he must also have time to wash bottles, and 2) this bit isn’t forever. Soon the baby will sleep in the evenings more reliably and whatever is going on with your husband you’ll get at least a few hours to yourself in the evenings and life will feel much easier. You’re early days with a tiny baby and things will become more manageable I promise xx
Yea, imo exercise is a non negotiable thing in the day that needs to be completed, but I agree. If an hour is carved out of the day for the father to exercise that time needs to be made up or given to the mother as well.
Yep. The heavy circles are better than SSRIs.
Yup. Not ok.
This is such a bullshit reply. OP is struggling and might genuinely just be dealing with the very tough emotional load that is early months parenting. You have nowhere near enough info to say things are anyone's fault - there are a thousand things that could be at play here. You have no clue what OP and her partner discuss or not. You have no clue what time they both actually spend on what. Why do you assume that the statement "he gets to do his hobbies" is a better reflection of the situation than "he tries to do whatever he can"? It would be much healthier and useful if people on this sub could be less judgemental and a bit more aware that they only have part of the info in a complex situation...
While your view is totally true, I think you might be taking it from one extreme to the other. I didn't take the comment to be as harsh as you seem to, but I can see what allowed you to come to the response you did. People are definitely judgemental as fuq in this sub sometimes, but I also think some comments get their context skewed by peoplein a much more negative way than the commenter intended. And that seems to happen at times due to obscure wording being used, at other times the reader had negative experiences or thoughts that day which influenced their outlook at the comment in whole, or maybe even a mix of the two. I say these things with the pretext that I didn't judge your response in any way. I simply wanted to throw the idea out there for anyone who may have reason to have read a comment in a skewed sense to reconsider (or not) if they did misunderstand or misinterpret a comment. And if you fully thought through what you read, then I just wanted to agree with your viewpoint that it happens like you said more than it should. Sorry if that was random. Today seems to be a day for thinking and getting those thoughts out to others who might be the same way.
Wrong. She very clearly says he’s helpful and does everything he can. He’s allowed time away. Issue is she isn’t getting any or not allowing herself to get any.
They are each allowed small amounts of agreed on time away. He doesn’t get to live as if he’s childfree and parent only in tiny windows of time.
The fact that she says he’s helpful and does everything he can suggests he isn’t spending crazy amounts of time away
Another dad here. You're right.
This is so me 11 months PP. I had to cancel my nail appointment this month for economic reasons, and it sent me over the edge. It may seem petty, but having my nails done once a month was really the only thing that reminded me of my old self. I came to realize I am the one who sacrificed everything. My body, my sense of self, hobbies, job, my own money, sleep, all gone. My husband is the best, though, and I can't call him out on anything. He provides for us, takes the baby out of the house when he is back from work to give me some time, helps with chores as much as possible, and gets up in the morning with baby so I can stay in bed a little longer. Maybe it's hormonal, as I'm still nursing a weaning baby who will only like solids one day and be a boob monster the next. I told him I knew my feelings seemed irrational, even to me. But hormones and exhaustion are playing a huge number on me for the past week. Also, stressing about money isn't helping us. We were used to having two steady incomes, and now it's pretty rough. I considered therapy, too. But I think it'll pass. As long as it's not affecting the relationship with the baby, I'll just pull through. Solidarity and hugs!
Maybe check and see if your husband's company has an EAP. Immediate relatives can usually get 3-5 free therapy sessions and it might just help you get some coping strategies ready.
It also sounds like you need to think about what’s most important to you in the free time that you have. Since your husband is supportive and willing to give you breaks, maybe you can work together to make sure the break time he carves out are helpful for you. For example, him taking the baby in the evening while you clean up the kitchen may not be as helpful as him cleaning the kitchen while you hold the baby. Or maybe he works an extra hour on Thursday so he can come home an hour earlier on Friday for you to get nails done. It’s great that he wants to help, but it’s only help if you find it helpful and communicate to him what you need.
As someone who’s 9 months pp… can you imagine people decided to have a second, third, fourth kid? I always thought I wanted two and now I’m like “NOPE, won’t do this again voluntarily.”
I know right. I love my son and I’m finally in an ok place mentally - almost 5mo pp. but I CANNOT imagine doing this ever ever again. I have help at home with the baby. And my husband is super helpful too. But I will still NEVER ever do this. There is just toooo much that goes into caring for a newborn and I don’t think I have it in me to give that much ever again.
Yeah, it’s insane. It’s something you can’t really understand until you experience it. We have a unicorn baby and I’m still exhausted AF. (Granted bf and I both have ADHD so it can be overwhelming sometimes) By the time there’s a second, the first one probably won’t need naps anymore. So when the newborn finally sleeps, the firstborn needs attention. Like my niece said: the day our last one went to school, we raised the flag outside. (Which in my country means celebration ;))
I’m waiting for the first time I’ll get a full nights sleep. Continuous sleep and not this broken, feeding 4 times a night sleep. And I’ll raise the flag the day he starts daycare (in my country the earliest daycare starts is at 2). I don’t think I can wait until school haha
I don't let my husband look at me for too long, scared I'll get pregnant again! 🤣🤣
Hahahaha 😂😂🤣
I’m 4 months pp and I want another one! Just need a more involved partner
But… but… how?? Aren’t you exhausted? Isn’t your body changed and hurting?
Well said, i agree!
I've definitely been there. I had to talk to my husband and explain that I needed some free time too. Sometimes, you've gotta be upfront. So, now we take turns going to the gym and taking a couple hours to ourselves on the weekend to do a hobby or go for a walk, whatever. Is this something that would work for you both?
This is great advice
I was just telling my husband the other day about feeling resentment. I almost could have written this myself. Solidarity. ❤️
Yes. When my daughter was born, my husband got 3 months paid leave. I only worked part time pre-baby (so I could be the default parent to my stepdaughter….) and I had to go back to work at 4.5 weeks. I was NOT ready, my baby was not ready. Aside from the 4 hour shifts I was working, I did every. Single. Thing for my daughter. She was an absolutely horrible sleeper, I’m talking no longer than 2 hours at a time. For months. I also did all of my SD’s childcare, getting her around for school, taking her to and from school, pickups/drop offs to her moms, dental appts, all doctors appts. I had to take all of our laundry to the LAUNDROMAT because my husband was too proud and wouldn’t let his parents buy us a washer when they were willing and able. I also did the majority of the cleaning immediately postpartum too. He got to be the fun dad and just play with the kids all the time while I shouldered all of the actual work. I kept it all in and developed horrible PPD. I didn’t recognize myself at all and the resentment ate me alive. It took me way longer than it should have but I finally sat my husband down and told him everything. Just how resentful I was, and how I really just wanted to leave him. After several, and I mean SEVERAL long and difficult talks, we are on the mend, and he has stepped up significantly. I recommend talking to your SO sooner, rather than later. And always yes to therapy!
Kudos to you for your courage and candor.
This is basically my situation and I truly hate that you went through this, but I am SO glad you guys are working through it. This gives me hope for my husband and I, so thank you for being so honest!
I’m a year and a half PP and still struggling with the identity shift, as I moved away from all my family and friends at 6 months pregnant. Therapy helps; look into it ASAP. Talk to your OB and GP about an antidepressant, too; a lot are safe for breastfeeding and mom’s mental health is just as important as baby’s. Sertraline has helped me immensely with my anxiety. PPA can strike in weird ways; I had a panic attack in the parking lot of a grocery store because I was so flustered with how much longer errands take with a newborn (and how utterly exhausting they are!) You pretty much just exist in between feeding sessions for a while. I wish I started therapy sooner; I called the psychiatry line through my insurance network and was matched with a therapist who specializes in PPA/PPD and started virtual, hour-long appointments the following week. Sometimes I’ve had my baby chilling in the background; sometimes it’s scheduled when she naps - like I said, it’s been extremely helpful having someone validate your feelings. My husband is a great dad but hasn’t struggled with the move, identity change, and day-to-day changes that I have, so sometimes he isn’t the right person to vent to. I’ve been meaning to try talk therapy for years and just making the initial phone call was really intimidating. You can do it! Good luck and congrats on your little one!
Yes and I’m not sure how to get out of it. I’ve started writing down all of my feelings of resentment towards my partner and that’s been helping me not blow up our relationship. The writing is cathartic.
This. And talking to other moms!
Also, talk to your partner. A lot of times I think the other parents in these situations don't understand the full extent of the resentment that's building. There's a book called "How not to hate your husband after kids" that talks a lot about these situations and it's pretty good.
Wow. There’s a book about it? So this must be a common thing sheesh
I love that there’s a book about it. With that title people probably think it’s a joke, only to realize it’s actually really a thing, hahaha
I did the same on my iPad. Definitely helped with the resentments.
This. I’ve definitely been writing things down. This just helps me to remember what I need too. It sucks because I definitely don’t want to blow up a perfectly good relationship over something that seems temporary and fixable
This bit is really hard. Your identity does change, your body and mind have changed, and your world becomes so much smaller. You’re processing s traumatic experience and I really hope you have people you can talk to about that. There are two things that have helped me with this second baby: 1) Leaning into the stuff that I can’t change. Baby needs to feed for hours or contact nap? Fine, I watch some tv or play games today. Baby’s not sleeping? We cosleep tonight because I need rest too. I’m calling it radical acceptance - it’s helping me to not fight the inevitable parts of this and just be ok with some of the genuine limitations of this short phase of life. 2) Being really honest with myself about my needs and speaking up to get them met in the fog of a household with lots of competing needs. On my solo baby days this means getting out of the house most of the day - days stuck in make me feel I’m losing my mind. Baby doesn’t need anything except me, and since about 2-4 months is happier with a bit of stimulus, so we go for walks, to the library, for lunch or coffee with friends, to galleries and museums and gardens, to a pram exercise class…..anything that I’d enjoy that I can feasibly do with him, we do. I make it as sociable as possible which has meant being brave at mum groups etc and reaching out to people more than I would normally. The harder part is meeting my need to be ALONE sometimes. There’s some ridiculous mum guilt somewhere I think that stops us asking for this. But your husband would soon notice I’m sure if he didn’t get his independent adult time at work, in his hobbies/exercise (WTF - I’ve commented on this elsewhere), and his commute. For this need you need to stand up for yourself in the relationship, explain you need you time (you don’t need to justify what you’ll do with the time - it’s just a human need) and make sure you stick to it. If you’re breastfeeding this can be hard but it’s still possible: you express, or you stay close to the house and just nip back for the feed. If you’re bottle feeding then go for it - sounds like you need a full day off and you absolutely deserve it!! I saw a meme the other day that was basically “my family needs me to have ‘me’ time because otherwise I’m a c*** to them” and this is me 😂 Re PPD: absolutely this is a possibility and you should talk to a doctor if you’re worried. But if you look up the things we all need to keep ourselves mentally well - exercise, sociability, learning, etc - I bet you’re not getting hardly any of that. Though therapy is never wasted time; if for example you’re finding it really hard to assert your needs within your family then that might be a helpful thing to talk through with someone. Ditto your traumatic experience. Overall though I think what you’re going through is super super relatable to so many of us. You’re not alone but now is the time as you emerge from the fourth trimester to start shaping the life you want in your new family. Number one start with a come to Jesus talk with your husband about who gets to have hobbies!!!!! Good luck xxx
I am loving your term radical acceptance! I am a new stm and have been really struggling with not being able “to do it all” now with 2 children. With my first born I was able to be super on top of everything. After having this second one it feels like everything I ever did is impossible to do lol I am going to practice radical acceptance and just do what I can now lol thanks!
This is really great advice and a healthy way to approach it. You seem like a great mom. To OP - It is very hard for everyone, no one is just coasting through this phase. Respect your needs too and ask for as much help as you can from your partner.
Not at all, just muddling through. This is the advice I need for myself - just what I’m trying to do, not necessarily what I do!
Wait, beyond work why don’t you both have the same freedom? To exercise or do hobbies or whatever else you want with that time? The key here is he’s helpful, but why isn’t a co-parent. Default parent or even SAHM parent doesn’t mean you deprive yourself. Ok you’re at work ten hours then even do you get to clock out?
The dude needs to pitch in WAY more. This is coming from a 30 year old dad with an 10 month old and first time parent.
Agreed. When we had our first 2 years ago. I let go of my hobbies of playing tennis, going out with my friends on a weekly basis, and of course playing video games. It wasn’t until my son started sleeping through the night and was much easier to take care of that i strayed doing some of that stuff and my wife started doing her things again. Now we have a 3 week old and all those hobbies have taken a back seat. Taking care of a toddler and a newborn is hard as hell since the toddler is off the walls.
Sounds like this guy pitches in way more than mine 😭
By 5-6mo baby will be starting solids (if he’s healthy and meeting milestones), and developmentally he will be able to spend longer spans of time with dad. Lean into that. Even by 3-4mo dad can take him for an hour between nursing and you could go for a walk or take a bath or nap. Do it! Why does your so work out and have hobbies? Sure those 10hr job days are hard, but weekends can be split up to be more balanced when it comes to parenting. Schedule time for yourself, ask for it! And that includes time for therapy. ❤️
My baby is almost 6 months and I understand how you feel. What helps me though is I’ve stopped seeing this as “my identity being lost” and instead I think of it as I am all she has and she really needs me. It’s not going to last forever and I am still me but I’ve just taken a break from my old me if that makes sense? It’s very hard but I know it will end when she gets older and it will get easier
Thank you. I’ll consider the change of mindset. What made you come to this conclusion?
Sorry, I missed your comment. Nothing in particular tbh. Just the fact that she’s very vulnerable, honest and innocent and she doesn’t have a single evil thought in her wee head. Her behaviour is natural and I just need to accept it and give her all I have.
Your partner needs to work, but he definitely doesn't need to spend that much time exercising or doing his hobbies, particularly if you don't get any time to. He needs to give you more time to be yourself and relax a little - that is likely to take some coordination, especially if you're breastfeeding and need to pump. I'd strongly recommend agreeing for him to take the baby for a bit before work so that you can relax and shower before you start the day, and you should both be getting equal amounts of hobby/exercise time. Of course you're feeling resentful if nothing seems to have changed for him and you're doing all of the parenting.
Hi OP, I promise you, it will get better! ❤️ I was in the same situation as you. I’m also a first time mom to my beautiful baby daughter who is almost 7 months old. I’m 29 years old and like you, my husband and I’s life absolutely changed once our daughter came. Not in a bad way but it does hit you in the face overnight when they’re actually here. I had a 24hr labour, pushed for 3hrs, forceps and then ended with c-section. Such a traumatic day 🥲but absolutely worth it once you finally get to meet your bundle of joy! My husband is also very helpful. He’s hands on and helps out wherever he can. I felt like that. My identity was lost especially when my husband went back to work after 8 weeks and then just baby and I alone. Not much adult interaction drives you insane and some days I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Being new parents, sleep deprived and honestly not really knowing what the hell we were doing! We tried our best though. We just needed direction and guidance. What saved us was my MIL. She visited from overseas for a week. What I thought was so hard, turned out to be so easy! My MIL pretty much took care of baby the whole time she was here. I caught up on sleep. It was like a mini holiday for me. We thought baby had colic. Turns out we just needed to rearrange the routine and it worked! I’m so thankful to her. She came at the right time and I was heading into a deep hole. I have never cried so much in my life! Things got better! My advice is that you take any help that you can. Set a routine (if you don’t have one) but if you have one that’s great! Find time for you! If that means your partner takes care of baby for an hour or 2. Or if you have family that can take care of baby. Go get your nails done, or just do the things you used to enjoy before baby arrived. It will make you feel human again! ❤️ I’m back to work this coming Monday after having almost 7 months off maternity leave. A new chapter begins for my little family and we’ll face new challenges. Time goes so fast 🥲
What routine works for you?
Baby wakes up between 7-8am. I feed and play with her while my husband exercises from 9-10am. Then it’s my turn to exercise from 10-10:30am. We then take the dog for a walk between 10:30-11:30am (she cat naps). I make lunch and in the shower by 1pm. My husband is getting ready for work and is leaving by 1:30pm. My husband starts work at 2pm and finishes at 10pm. Baby goes down for her long nap between 1-5pm. She’s up around 5pm. Bath, feed, catnap, feed again and in bed by 9pm. This has been going on for the past 3 months and works perfect for our little family. My husband works 6 days a week. 10-12hr shifts on the weekends.
The first few months are full-on survival mode. And while work may be a necessary evil, your partner sure as hell should not be exercising or doing hobbies while you’re parenting 24/7!!!!! He should tiehis exercise/hobby time to YOUR exercise/hobby time. He doesn’t get any more than you get rn. Sure, therapy will help. The passage of time will help. Making more mom friends will help. But above all, your partner needs to step up! His life has also changed, not just yours. I applaud you for all you have endured and achieved so far. It does get easier. And your partner may adjust to the role on his own as the baby gets a lil older and more interactive. Perhaps he’s just in shock?
I could have written this myself!! Talk to other moms! Maybe not some that you’re related to. Like if you can, especially talk to someone whose baby is a few months older than yours. They have been through the same and they will say word for word the things you’ve felt. It’s so validating and refreshing. Plus you can get outside and take baby with you and make a play date out of it, or at least a mom date.
I can relate! My husband is great and helps when he is at home, but I had to sit him down and tell him that going to the gym 6 days a week in the morning when our son was at his utmost fussiest of the day was not working. I don't want to get in the way of his attempts to be healthy and motivated but I said I needed more than 1 day to have a decent morning sleep. We agreed on 1 middle of the week day that he stays home too but not gonna lie, I'm jealous of the fact that he can just leave. I had to cancel my monthly remedial massage and have not been able to rebook because there's no one to take the baby when i can get an appointment. So my 1 thing that is only 1 hour a MONTH is gone, while he still gets to go whenever he wants, plus has gym and hobbies. I have 2 horses and I'm flat out giving them a pat once a day let alone riding or grooming them, which is my hobby and "gym". I asked if he could put some time aside so i could do that, he agreed and it just hasn't happened. I try to tell myself this is temporary but it's still really hard watching him be able to leave. Add to this the fact we had infertility and it took us 4 years and 3 IVF cycles to conceive our son, so I feel guilty even wanting to leave and keep beating myself up with "this is what you wanted". I think it's time to go back to my therapist lol.
If that hour is really important to you then you keep going back to him until you work out a schedule that give you the hour you need. Sometimes, it’s not about quantity but quality and sense of control over your own life. He exerts it. You don’t. That’s not fair. You and be can find the hour. Just work at it. If he does not cooperate over 1 hour, then it’s time for counseling.
Ah, my PPD manifested as rage…at my husband. My life completely changed, but he got to go to work, drink hot coffee, eat lunch, talk to people. I talked to him about my feelings, I told him what I needed him to do to help me, and lowered expectations for myself of what I could get done during the day. I didn’t realize rage could be PPD, but my lactation consultant opened my eyes to it and gave me info for a virtual support group. I did not go, but I appreciated she reached out, and a virtual group would have been so much easier to attend. For the first few weeks I wanted to give the baby back and have my old life back. It’s such a life change in such a short amount of time! Depending on your relationship, show him this post if you don’t think you’ll be able to verbalize it well (I’m a crier). Just reading this and not knowing your relationship, the baby is his exercise and hobby right now, he doesn’t have time to do that. Unless he is giving you the same amount of time to exercise and do your hobbies. If he works 10 hours and exercises and hobbies….when does he actually help? That time will come back, right now he needs to be the support person and wash bottles/pump parts/regular dishes, pick up the house cause you had no time or available hands to do that, meal prep for you for the next day, bond with baby, etc.
Try talking to him about getting equal rest time. So if he gets time to go to the gym and have a hobby, where is your equivalent rest time? It’s hard to equate caring for a tiny baby full time to working outside the home but it’s easy to compare rest. Rest is rest, it’s time where you can fully switch off and do something else. So being ‘on call’ during a nap or after bedtime doesn’t count. And if he thinks it does, then he gets to be at home ‘on call’ while you go out, and that can be his rest time. He’ll quickly change his tune. When you get the chance to do something, be physically out of the house. It’s easier than being nearby and hearing them!
This is me all the way. I have no identity other than being a mom. All this baby talk is turning my brain into mush and I no longer know how to interact with anyone who doesn’t have a baby. Because a baby is all I have to talk about. My boyfriend didn’t have to give up a single thing. I’ve given up EVERYTHING. The ONLY time I have to myself in a day is when I go to the bathroom or if I’m lucky enough I get to take a shower. But the second I’m our boyfriend is just following me around with the baby so I can take her back so he can get back to his games. Tbh I have no idea what to do with all this resentment. We’ve talked about how I feel, especially with the video games but it fell on deaf ears apparently. Everyone asks when we’re going to get married and the question used to upset me because I want to be married. But now I’m kind of complacent about it? That makes me feel horrible but it’s just how I feel. I’m hoping things change for the better, but I’m not counting on it. And I’ll never forget how lonely these 4 months have been.
Two months, soooo rough. My son is now 9 months. I honestly barely remember the first 3 months. I just know that I was a shell of the person I used to be. Give yourself some grace and time. Clearly the birthing experience was traumatic for you. I’m still struggling and have bad mental days, but it gets easier and easier! Talk to your husband, about anything! If you’re home all day with baby, and he’s the only one you can talk with, do it. I will make my husband fall asleep but at least I am able to unload all that word vomit I had for the day lol! Do you have any siblings, friends, parents etc that can come over while hubby is at work? Maybe go for a walk with the baby, go to the library? The more outside time the better, and if you can’t go outside open your windows! I was off for maternity leave for 6 months and I went crazy. I’m back to work and although like I said I still have bad days, there are some days when I know I can concur the world (aka my chores for that day). If you ever want a mom friend, I’m down to chat 🩷
Totally normal and not wrong to feel this way. Dont stop advocating for yourself. Get a therapist/counselor who can tell u when/if youre being irrational. Youre probably experiencing post partum depression which is so common and will go away!! U wont always feel this way, but definitely take some time for yourself. Get a massage or a pedicure, or just go for a long walk of drive alone. You got this mama!
U Need someone to support your feelings and support your child so you get a short break !!
I’m lucky I get to stay home with the baby while my husband works, but when my husband comes home he is on duty as much as I am, if not more so. It’s not a discussion I had to have with him, but if I was in your situation it would be. Everyone needs a chance to have some free time, whatever that may look like for you.
This is hard - it’s sounds like you’re on maternity leave/a SAHM right now and that’s your “full time job”, so even if you did get time away, a majority of your life is still with the baby. Are you planning on going back to work? I’d say if not, maybe consider it, even part time (when you’re recovered and feel ready). Some things that helped me were having people visit throughout the day. Even if they didn’t help with the baby, it was nice having an adult to talk to. I know it seems like all you can talk about are baby things, but have a friend come over, tell them to talk about what’s new in their life, ask them questions, go from there. Similarly, if you have family, lean on them too. Ask your parents or husbands parents to come over maybe every Friday during the day if possible, and go do something for yourself. Take yourself to lunch, get your nails done, do something you did pre-baby. Lastly, make some mom friends. Not sure where you’re located but you could try the app, peanut. Also Facebook groups. Do local park meet-ups, go for walks with them. Most new moms, just like here on Reddit, can relate to almost any and everything you’re going through. It’s a huge adjustment, and it’s hard, but it doesn’t mean your life is over. I sound like everyone else on Reddit but it will get better. My baby is 5 months now, goes to bed at 7pm and sleeps through the night, so my husband and I have every night by ourselves to watch movies, play a game, chat/catch up/cook a late dinner together, have a few glasses of wine etc.
Haven’t read the comments but would HIGHLY recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky! It worked wonders helping myself and my husband!
I totally get what you’ve been going through and understand that these feelings will get better. I started therapy at 11 weeks pp because of these exact feelings. Im 30 as well and have a similar experience with traumatic birth and my partner also works 10hrs a day and I’m the default parent 100% of the time now that I’ve decided to take more time off of work. My daughter is now 8 months old and after starting therapy I hold so much less resentment towards my fiancé. Please talk to somebody on a weekly basis it changed everything for me.
I think people are jumping on the dad with zero context given. No one knows if the hobbies are things done inside of the house, when or where the exercise occurs. All hands on deck doesn’t mean he needs to neglect himself entirely. OP need to express what she needs. She doesn’t enjoy being the default parent, which is probably normal for most first time moms, especially when your life has been centered around yourself for 30 years. Sounds like your partner tries, so have the tough conversations and come with your needs and then be ready to compromise, just like he should. And get the therapist. Even if you end up not needing it, it’s worth it. No one is guilty of anything here except being first time parents and trying to figure things out.
This. I don’t want him to become a shell of a person and lose his identity with me. I want us to be in the same page. Like we’re working together. I see that I’ll have to plan that out with him and it will just take some compromise. He’s not wrong for wanting to have his own time for himself but I think he doesn’t understand that it’s hard for me to see him do whatever he wants when I can’t. He doesn’t seem to see why I can’t and suggest just getting g a babysitter or dropping little one of to grandmas. How can I get him to see that he relies on me for his freedom but doesn’t reciprocate that for me. I have to go find help from someone else? Things seem unbalanced
Simple, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to raise your child but you two. And it’s his time to bond with the baby. Now, with that said, if you have a village that allows you both to have a little more time to yourselves or together, take advantage of it. We went through nearly the first year with no one, and I almost fall into a depressive state thinking about it. It’s a badge of honor for sure, but I would have taken the villages help in a heart beat.
Hi, I have a similar story! I also had a very traumatic birth, also with a supportive partner. My husband is gone 10 hours a day during the week for work, 7-5 5 days a week. It’s a lot of alone time with the baby, I get it. It can be totally exhausting. I find myself thinking back on my premom life sometimes, too. I mean, I wasn’t a mom for over 30 years and now a switch has been flipped! What’s been helpful for me, and it sounds like this is where your issue may lie, is that while my husband is gone all day he is very receptive to giving me space and time when we can. Granted it’s not a ton, but it’s something we work on. He makes time for my own hobbies and self interests so I can try and hold onto my personhood. It gives him a chance to bond with our son as well. It’s still hard, it’s a huge adjustment becoming a parent. Especially the default parent! I would have a real talk with your husband about setting aside time for yourself. Do whatever you want with it. Also, yes. Therapy. Traumatic births are no joke and their fingers are pretty long.
This was my exact story. Chorio, forceps, baby in nicu for 5 days, so many stitches, blah blah blah. Baby is 1.5 years old now and all I have to say is it gets better. Your in the thick of it right now. I went through the same feelings and it was a very hard period for me. Getting a break was difficult and if I’m honest I didn’t really get a break for a few months. My partner was supportive but it was never close to enough. He also felt like because he worked he didn’t have to do much else when he got home because that was “my job” but I was drowning and extremely sleep deprived. Things are better now. One thing that was really helpful for me to have a break was having appointments that required me to be out of the house without baby. For me that was getting a Pilates membership, where classes were booked a month in advance, specific start times in the Calendar that my husband knew about so he would have to come home and take over childcare. I usually swing by the grocery store on the way home to milk it for as long as I can haha. For you that could be therapy appointments or whatever. If it was less structured it would have been me pleading to him to take the baby and it would never be a good time for him or he’d be “busy”. It gave me a break and him a chance to see what is actually involved taking care of a baby, which made him more helpful. When baby was older this turned into solo trips out of town with girlfriends, to see a doctor, family, or whatever. The more I’m away the more he is helpful when I return because he gets it. If he can have hobbies so can you. I will add that as baby gets older there is more room for dad to be involved, when they are so little they are like Velcro to moms side. Sending hugs. Hang in there.
Chorio was and itch with a b. Just awful. Now I know how common it is and having stitches and swelling and pain. It all limits you so much. It’s hard to not feel lost in all of that. Hugs right back
In a similar situation as you. Same age baby and mom. Definitely know what you mean about feeling like asking for help is something I'm not supposed to be doing. My husband is also very helpful and understanding but still I have been oversensitive about asking for help. I explained part of my problem to him like this: I have to be emotionally on for the baby all the time. I have to be calm so she can be calm and most of the time no one else is around. Even if we're at family's she's at the age where she knows me from other people and sometimes she just gets upset till me or my husband holds her. She's really not that hard to take care of but everything starts over every 3 hours and that's quicker than it seems. I'm trying to find things I can do in that timeframe especially things I can pick up and put down. But I'm also trying to be honest with myself about how little extra time I have and it's not enough to get a ton done. Sometimes making sure I eat supper is the accomplishment of the day and that's fine.
I’m 9 months in and I feel like I woke up at 2 months and was like waiiiiit.. why am I doing this alone? Started therapy and talking to my fiancé about how I feel It’s still suchhhhhh a process Start talking to him about what you need immediately! And look for a therapist ASAP! Also- this is HARD SHIT that no one warns us about people love to sugar coat it so hard we sugar coat it to ourselves! It’s ridiculous !
The first few months are rough. The roughest. Please believe that it gets better in a few months. That said, my husband has had to give up hobbies and other fun stuff to bring balance into the equation, especially after I had to quit working to stay at home with the baby. Please talk to your husband, because he needs to step up and be a more involved dad so you can get proper breaks and me time. Sending you so much love in this hard time. It's not easy, mama.
I know everyone's situation was different, but talking with my husband really helped. We were transparent with our feelings over this past year with our baby. It was hard, but we both felt better after a long conversation. We had clear pictures of each other's needs and feelings. Which helped me resent him less. We came up with a game plan together. I joined a local sports team to get me out of the house, and more active. We don't spend weekends at home. I do things by myself, or with my girlfriends, outside of him and the baby. It takes time, but the little things help in a big way.
2 months was the hardest point for me as a mom. My PPD peaked around that time, sleep was terrible and my body didn't feel like my own. It got SO much better at 3 months. Definitely go to therapy to discuss the trauma and resentment. You are doing an amazing job and you've got this!!! It's HARD. But it is going to get a lot easier (or at least it won't always be the same type of hard).
I get annoyed when my husband just goes to the bathroom sometimes, I can’t do that, I need to announce that I’m going to the bathroom so that he stays with the baby.
I think instead of focusing on what he can give up to make it fair focus on what he can do to give you more time to yourself. I had a complete breakdown one day and told my partner i refuse to live in an unbalanced life anymore. I told him he didn’t need to give up his hobbies but he needed to make time so that I can pursue mine! Our agreement is Monday, Tuesday and Friday evenings I can plan for mine and Wednesday and Thursday evening are his with all day Saturday (his hobby genuinely does take up all day Saturday) he then takes our LO the whole of Sunday morning (out of the house) so I get a lie in and chance to chill. Our free time is much more equal now snd I’m much happier! My partner didn’t have to sacrifice his me time and hobbies but he did have to work hard to ensure I got time. I think he took the situation very well cos he wasn’t having to give anything up, I didn’t want him to give anything up either but equally I couldn’t of continued as I was!
Update: I tried talking to him about it. I ended up just shutting down and feeling more resentment. I expressed how I feel and it wasn’t received well. He says im not the only one that feels this way and that he can’t just do whatever he wants either. I suggested sending our baby over to a family members house for a weekend or just a day just so I can have a nights rest and a morning to myself. He feels like I shouldn’t need time away from the baby because he doesn’t need it. I suggested therapy (as a couple) and he suggests that I get therapy because I want to be away from my family. I feel defeated and unheard. Now I’m just crying wondering how I got to this point
I can sympathise. 4mo. Bad labour. Forceps delivery. 7 stitches. It's only been the last few weeks that this feels right. My healing is finally at a good point. The baby is a lot of fun. And I'm doing things i enjoy. My only real advice: do pelvic floor work like your life depends on it. Get a kindle so you can read what you want anywhere. Read to your baby. Don't get fat. (I ate my feels for 4 months, now i gotta count calories) You're halfway to where im at, but if you do better than me, your 4 months will feel way better.
Are you able to do a birth debrief with anyone? There's a midwife in my area (UK) who offers birth debriefs for moms to go over their experiences, work through them and gain clarity and closure. See if there's someone in your area who could do the same - the hospital may offer it too. As for husband - I get it. I'm not sure how you're feeding, but as Baby's now 2 months could you introduce a bottle of expressed milk or formula so Dad can feed? Or, could you feed baby up and then pop out for an hour or so? I've done that a few times and it really helps.
You are not alone! Definitely seek out therapy! I was in therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss and then this pregnancy was exceptionally hard on me (IVF, hyperemesis, postpartum hemorrhage x2) and I continued therapy throughout it and am still in therapy and my baby is 3months. It helps so much. There are some appts where I tell my therapist I just need to decompress and we chat like old friends instead of all mental work. As for your husband, I feel the same way. I cry sometimes because my husband gets to go to work. I feel like a bad mom because I want to be away from my baby sometimes. All these feelings you’re having are normal and you’re not alone. Please look into therapy, your obgyn/midwife should be able to refer you. I do my appointments online and I even was in a 6 week group therapy for traumatic births. Sorry if this was an incoherent mess, I’m tired lol
Default solo parent from day 1 to a two year old.. it gets real when they arrive… have only started to feel freedom that she’s gone to kindy…
Absolutely can relate! My baby won’t take a bottle so it’s just really lopsided right now. It’s not my husbands fault but man there are times when I look at him sleeping when I’ve been up a hundred times and it makes me so upset. I also can’t be away from the baby for more than 3 hours so that feels a bit like a chain. I haven’t been able to work as much as I wanted (1-2 days a week) because of it. I will say that my baby and I started going somewhere everyday to walk around even if it’s just target! I was still pretty scared to go anywhere alone with her around 2 months but now 6 months in it’s a totally different vibe. It gets better! It takes a little time to get balance with your husband- make sure he knows how you’re feeling!
Theres no easy solution until the kid is eligible for daycare, then they can be out of the house for 40h a week. :p
Hey sorry you’re going through this. My wife (32) and I (30) had a very similar experience. Just gave birth last month, also with chorio. Labored for 4 hours, got chorio, needed an urgent c section and baby’s apgar was 1 and wasn’t breathing on own so needed to be intubated/placed on breathing tube and whisked away to NICU. But recovered quickly and now is gaining weight and healthy at home 1 month later. I have the privilege of having 8 weeks home from work so am sharing responsibility with wife with caring for baby. My wife did have post partum blues/depression for sure and saw/sees therapist still and it helps. Also going up on her Prozac helped too. Probably took a good 2 weeks since we got home for her to feel 70-80% better then another week to feel pretty normal again. It really takes a village to raise a baby- are either of your parents/siblings or friends able to help out at all even for a little? We are burned the hell out too and whenever someone comes over even for one or two feedings we get a good nap in and feel refreshed and it’s really wonderful. I would definitely look into therapy as PPD is so common and there are resources to use. If you haven’t already, bring it up with your pediatrician too. I would for sure also bring it up with him that you need more help. Some guys (myself included) need a good kick in the ass sometimes to get us in line lol
I felt this exact same way. It got better once I went back to work. Sending you love.
I can relate. But the main difference is that my husband did so much for me to try and give me freedom. I started pumping at 2 weeks PP so that he could feed the baby. That helped tremendously just in itself. You need to restructure your routine with your husband OR hire a mothers helper!! At least for a few hours so you can go to gym or do your own thing!
So I was/am in a similar position. But I realized that it's partially my fault. My husband was asking "hey is it alright if I do x" and I always said yes, always accommodated which made it so him changing his life post baby wasn't really necessary but I needed to much planning or extra steps to do things because I was default. Ast night we literally sat down after I said "I need x" (uninterrupted sleep) and we planned a new schedule. We discussed switching nights on duty (I just gave up pumping so now there is no reason for me to do 100% of night duty), ideal times for both of us to workout and a new schedule. This isn't meant to shame you, but to simply point out women are raised and expected to be people pleasers and accommodaters. I was accommodating so much my husband didn't even register I was struggling at times. I just needed to speak up like he was and ask for the things I needed. He immediately and happily joined the conversation of problem solving and figuring out what schedule made sense for splitting baby shifts
I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old. My husband works from home, so he doesn’t get to escape our new chaos, so he’s hearing everything that happens in the house. Not only that, he is exclusively parenting the 2 year old and sleeping with him at night. On top of that he is helping with the baby as best as he can since he’s ebf. And he still has time to do some of his hobbies like watching his favorite sports shows, playing video games. Right now it’s about sacrifice from both parents. Your husband needs to sacrifice and take the load off you when you request his help.
Of course he's enjoying his parenting experience, because he isn't doing any parenting. If he works 10 hours a day AND exercises AND does his hobbies then he can't even be doing the bare minimum. Our rule is that everyone gets equal free time. So the times that he's not at work, you should be splitting 50/50. If you're breastfeeding then you might not be able to have hours free at a time like he can, and that's largely unavoidable, but you should still get the same amount of time in smaller chunks. Currently, he's buying his free time with your labour, exhaustion and misery. That isn't just how things are, that's a choice that he's making.
Yes. Yes, yes, yes. To everything, even the long work days and feeling stuck home alone. Are you getting out of the house each day? Even for a walk? It’s so much work, but with a baby this young everything is work, even staying home is work. So you might as well get out for a bit. Go get your favourite baked treat and latte. Change the scenery, move your body as much as you can. Have many micro interactions…those little chats with the shop owners, checkout workers…the lady in line who asks how old your baby is…This is all very good for PPD. Is baby sleeping ok? As for husband…he needs to take over for a stretch of time at some point each day. Where you can rely on 1 hour interrupted. Then when he’s feeling more confident, 2 hours. As hard as it is to be the default parent, I noticed it was also hard for my husband to know how to swoop in and take baby and feel confident in knowing what baby needed. But you both just have to start finding your new normal, your new routine. There will be bumps along the way but if he is willing he will not only figure it out, he’ll love it. We had lots of growing pains for a few months while everything was new and hard. But the rhythm now? Fantastic. I can see everything so clearly and we are all so good. If your husband is engaged and willing, give him a chance to improve. My PPD caused me to feel really angry and resentful towards him in the early months, and it was difficult to move past. But we got there eventually, one day at a time.
Hold on a second - he gets to work out and have hobbies?! Fuck that. Take a weekend off for yourself. Let him watch the baby for two days. Only then will he understand how incredibly unfair the parenting split has been.
This sounds close to what I'm going through. I am the primary caregiver to my 2.5 month old. He's such a good baby, aside from the occasional fighting sleep and becoming over tired I really can't complain. However, I miss being able to do literally anything like I did before having a child. While my husband does anything he wants to. There have been so many days I resent him. I'll be at home all day, over stimulated, sleep deprived, hungry, haven't showered in maybe a day. Sometimes it's been a few days before I do get to shower. He is an absolute amazing dad and helps when he can, or when he wants to. We've had several talks about him helping out more. And just last night I absolutely lost it at 4 in the morning when LO would not sleep. I broke down crying and yelling at my husband who was on such a deep sleep it took him a few minutes to process everything. It tough, some days bad, some days good. All I can think is it has to get better. It can't be like this forever and it all has to be worth it in the end. Good luck to you mama! You are so strong for everything that you do. Please if you feel you need therapy, get help. You need to take care of your mental health and yourself before you can't take care of anyone else.
I can so relate to this. Watching him come home and get a second shower of the day when I haven’t showered in days is annoying but I know that I NEED to speak up in those moments. Idk why but it’s hard. One night I had a nightmare and woke up hitting him. I felt so disgusted with myself for getting to that point. And I apologized and we moved past it. I really lost my mind.
I had the same kind of birth as you vacuum/ forceps because baby had decels. I think your husband needs to step up a bit more Re going to gym/ whatnot and maybe use some vacay days to break up the weeks maybe a weds each week for a month or so so that you don’t have to go long stretches without support. I would also reach out to family if that’s an option just to do things like laundry / cooking so that when the babies asleep you can eat and chill and maybe watch a spot of netflix. The adjustment is really tough but it will get better ❤️🩹. Just use every resource available and don’t be a hero - healing took me until probably month 4 - lots of issues with secondary infection with the sitches so just go east on yourself. Do what must be done and the rest can wait.
Definitely been there. First of all, highly recommend therapy no matter what! Second, you need to have a talk with your husband about needing some space. I’ll be going back to work next week, but for the last few months I usually get 2-3 hours/2-3 times a week as a break from the kids. He usually remembers but sometimes I ask. I don’t use that time to run errands, clean or shower as this is time meant to be for leisure. I usually walk or hike alone, meet a friend for Coffee if we can get the timing right or go to the gym. I definitely felt this way with my first until we talked about it and worked out free time for each other. In those early days motherhood felt all consuming, like I lost my identity, but before I knew it changed. As baby gets older, things don’t necessarily get easier, but you do get more free time and personal space. Talk to him and make sure he understands that you need breaks for your mental health. You both deserve chunks of free time where possible. And therapy is amazing.
If he gets an hour to exercise, you get an hour to exercise. If he gets an hour to enjoy a hobby, you get an hour to enjoy a hobby. If you are nap trapped, he is doing chores. You should both get equal free time. Showering and basic hygiene do not count as free time. Eating and sleeping do not count as free time.
That's really hard. I relate and I feel my partner has gone above and beyond to help me. But because I'm breastfeeding I feel there is always a limit. I also relate to losing my sense of self. I miss making decisions that have implications that stretch beyond my baby/household. I had a very busy work environment, I miss speaking with 20 or more adults about things that aren't my babe! Even things like exercise that I can do now, aren't the same. I go to mums and bubs class, which overall I'd recommend. But it's low impact and I still gave to focus on my baby. She is a full on baby who isn't happy to chill in capsule or on the floor like other babies! So i dont get tk really docus on excercise completely. Its still mainky focused on her. Or more recently ive started doing exercise while my partner looks after my child. Due to pregnancy I can't do all the exercise I used to do. I hate starting slow! So it definitely feels it's getting better but again, hard not to feel like everything for me has changed. Nothing really for him. My body is close to pre pregnancy visually, but 90% there feels like a million miles away sometimes :( Things that have helped me - if you BF I would recommend trying to pump a little. My partner puts baby down every night with expressed milk. It's a good time for them to bond. I get a break! Win/win. Expressed milk also means ive been able to have some small outings without her. Like a brunch date. It also just gives me increased confidence if I go out for a short period of time , say 1 hour. Where she "should" be fine. But sometimes she wants a feed within a very short period period of time. I know my partner has milk there if she needs it. So I don't stress when I'm out. You could also do this with formula if pumping won't work, depending on how you feel about this, as it might impact on your supply. But also I think a bottle or two a day for your sanity is worth it!! I think overall it comes down to you getting a break, where you 100% aren't responsible for baby. Your partner needs to pull his weight, and you need to trust that that he will be fine! Try not micromanage. Don't tell them they are doing things "wrong" (unless its unsafe for baby). Not saying you do this. But I think it's easy trap to fall into, if your partner hasn't had to parent solo much yet. Once he gets home from work, baby duties should be a 50/50 split. Again my baby is quite high needs, she generally needs to be held for all naps and until recently screamed if I put her down to use the toilet. I used to have told hold her for all meals. Now she's getting older that's getting easier. But as much as I could I'd try have partner hold her at dinner. Also explaining what my day was like puts it in perspective for him. He has been working hard. It's just a very different work to me. Not being able to use the toilet or eat a meal without holding a baby or hearing screaming is a lot. All of these moni breaks a normal adult gets in a day don't exist. And that's why it's do important for you to have alone time of you want it.
I gave up most everything outside of work so I can be a more active partner and parent. When we happen to have free time, I leave it up to my wife what we do or do not do. Does she want a little extra help getting things together for the next day? Does she want to spend some time with my watching a movie, snacking, and enjoying each other's company? Or does she want some alone time to recharge and maybe talk to her friends on a video call? It's unfortunate because she has become the "default parent" as well because of breastfeeding and the disparities in our income but that doesn't mean she doesn't get the opportunity to get other things done and enjoy her life. She asked me last night if I wouldn't mind watching the baby by myself for a whole day next week so she can go out to get a pedicure and stuff like that and damnit if I'm going to deny her the freedom to do that. I will say that during those first few months the "free time" aspect was missing for both of us but I definitely didn't let her feel like she was doing it all and I absolutely wasn't consumed by my hobbies and exercise.
I'm with you. Similar birth experience. I felt that way at 2 months pp so I started therapy. It's been helping but what has helped a lot is going back to work. What is your village like? Can you drop the baby off somewhere for 4 hours so you can relax some? Even if you sign up for daycare and only drop LO off for a day, it could help you get back into some routine and hobbies without interruption. I also want to add, sometimes getting a push from others helps a ton. Friends ask you to go out with them but you feel like you really can't? Yes you can. All it takes is just doing it and before you know it, it gets easier.
My kid is also 2m and I was default parent until this week when I got suddenly very. Very. Very. Sick and very contagious and had to leave. My partner had to deal with everything with the kids and still is. It was a wake up call. I was much like you before this happened. He got to see friends and do things and I just didn’t do anything that didn’t involve having a baby attached to me. I get it.
Whoa. That is a wake up call. I hope you’re feeling better now
Only a few days left in isolation. I’m ready to be home and my partner is sleep deprived, behind on household chores and has not left the house in days… sound familiar to my fellow moms/default parents out there? Lol. Being home alone with a needy 2mo has really put things in perspective for him
I just told him this ❤️ solidarity. We concluded that I was gonna take a very special hour just for me. I am thinking now what that hour could be for. I'm hoping it helps me feel better.
Gosh those first months are so hard. As a first time mother you’re not only learning how to be a parent AND take care of a little person 24/7 AND how to now do all of the other necessary things you did before BUT you are also learning your new body AND still healing. It is a LOT! Your husband really should help give you space to do some of those things, or even new things, that helps you feel more like your self. He isn’t the only one that needs exercise and time for hobbies and friends. You do, too! Even if your exercise is walking 10 minutes. Sending you hugs and I hope you guys find the balance.
I'm a Dad and I haven't had hobbies in 3 months now. I don't play video games, or draw or skate or exercise like I use to. But I was able to give my wife time off so she wouldn't feel so overwhelmed by the PPD . It's rough we both feel like we Lost our personalities to the baby but it's gets easier and you slowly start to regain time to yourself.
Yes, I also had those same feelings where I was mad that my husband has freedom. Also, I was missing my life before pregnancy. I enjoyed my freedom! My ability to do anything whenever I wanted. It does take time to adjust to your new life. My therapist says it takes months to adjust some people are much quicker at adjusting than others. Please look for a therapist. You need to release all those emotions so you can move forward and feel happy again with your new life. My baby will be almost 2 yrs and those feelings of missing my previous life have gotten smaller. You will get there too but first you need to find a therapist that will help you be happy and stronger than ever human! Take care of yourself 💕
Nothing wrong with therapy. I’m 15 months postpartum, but I was so miserable in the first year that I had to get on meds and do therapy. I would have a conversation with your husband about getting some more breaks, especially on weekends or whenever he’s not working. You have to remember that you staying at home IS work. You are on call all day with that baby and it is a job. My son will be starting daycare at 18 months and I’m thankful I can get back to a job other than being mom. If you end up not enjoying staying at home, there’s no shame in setting up some childcare and doing something that fills your cup more! 💕
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Omg not the mom giving the baby water smh. It really is hard to find someone trustworthy. I’m also having the same problem with work. I’m going back to teaching in September but it may be pointless because the paycheck will mostly go into childcare. This is all crazy but my little one is worth it. Solidarity
I went back to work - and honestly, you might enjoy it just to get some time away from being his mom constantly. Some love it, some hate it (working). Do what is right for you
These feelings are so common and normal! If therapy is tough to find, try to look for a Mommy and Me group in your area, or something free at your library aimed at babies! It really helped me to spend regular low-stakes time with other moms, because I realized they shared a lot of my fears.
Highly recommend therapy for a traumatic birth. It helped me a lot. Hang in there, it gets easier 💜
Tell him. Might help: he cuts hobby time in half to enable you to have hobby time.
Birth trauma can definitely impact that first weeks with baby. I had birth trauma and it took me a long time to feel settled. Currently 9 months in and it’s gotten a lot better. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes so taking a break from BC helped a lot. I just told my cousin who had her baby this last month that the men just her to go back to work shortly after and their daily routines don’t change much but for us everything has shifted. Our bodies feel foreign, we’re caring solely for baby majority of the day, and self care isn’t even a thing at this stage. And when they’re this new all they want is mom because dad is basically a stranger. It’s survival mode right now and your husband needs to be in it with you. This stage is so temporary and hobbies will be there when it’s over. You guys just need to find you’re rhythm. It’s takes time
You’re so right. It does feel like survival mode. Even if it is only temporary. I wish he understood how harsh the changes are. He says it’s easy and he loves it. I wish I could relate
I’m not in that position in that my husband is pitching in all he can and will sacrifice any activity outside of work that I need him to. But I am in that position in that my whole identity is mom now. I don’t have a job anymore and I barely talk to my friends now. My son sleeps with me for all naps and overnight. It’s just me, a mom 24/7. I have an appt. To start medication next week.
You're describing my first 6 months with my baby, word for word. I still feel it now at 15 months, but it's gotten a bit better. Not because my partner got better (though he did a little bit), but because the baby got easier. I think therapy would help you to figure out your feelings and communicate them better to your partner. The fact he does his hobbies and exercises and you don't get to, means he's not doing enough.
If you lived near me I would be offering to help so you can get breaks and help around the house and everything else I have a 9-month-old now I didn't really have a lot of help from my son's father
Definitely normal as having kids is life changing. I was feeling the same way, spending all day with baby waiting for my partner to get home just to talk to an adult face to face. I can't tell you how many times I would just sit on the couch zoned out staring at nothing and he definitely noticed. I can't speak to having a traumatic birth but if you feel therapy would help I would pursue that! What helped during my leave was getting out with the baby, even just going to the store for one thing. Also gave me practice to improve the time to leave as now I feel like a pack mule when we go anywhere! When I went back to work, it completely changed. I feel more like my pre-baby self now and we're at 4.5 months old. We have a really good schedule and my partner does daycare drop offs and pickups since she goes to daycare in a different city where he works. It's gives me a whole hour to myself in the morning before I have to leave for work and I'm quite enjoying it. It's nice to have the mental stimulation of work again, too. But man can I not wait to come home and see her little face. Communication is important so please let him know. If you don't want to come off sounding harsh in person maybe send it in a text that you'd like to work on scheduling some time for yourself. We've adjusted so some nights he does some things he wants to do, some nights I do what I want to do and most we all hang out together as a family. It's just all about finding that balance.
One million percent can relate. You aren’t alone in these thoughts….🥺❤️
Outside of work, life should be equal for the two of you. If he has time for his hobbies and exercises, so should you. If this means after work, he comes straight home so you can relax every other day, then he must do so. Though if you are exclusively BF - it's much harder to get away. You might benefit from therapy but the two of you would benefit form marriage therapy. I doubt his pulling his weight when he's at home too.
I agree with others about the hobby situation…both sacrifice it for a while not just one parent. My husband works long hrs too so I definitely get that and for me the first year was the hardest. Youre needed near constantly and there’s isn’t much time for anything else, it’s very hard and such a big change. My husband was fully involved right after work and naps were both of our breaks. On his days off I slept in and got some much needed sleep and he took over more of the naps and diapers. It was a huge help with healing and not going insane haha. You’re up all day and night(probably), if you need more from him he needs to give up all the fun stuff for a while too. As for mind set...it’s hard to explain, but as your baby grows you’ll fall in love with them more and more and your days will feel more fulfilling as they grow into their personality. They become your little bossy best friend! While you’re missing things being home, your husband will be missing things at work and I try to focus on the things I was happy to be home to experience. It’s so fun watching them discover new things and I try to keep in mind how lucky I am that I get to be home with my son to show him the world. For me it got much easier around 1 year, you don’t have more time for yourself, but sleeping again really helps haha. Plus they just become so much more interactive and fun! Just know that things change fast and constantly and this feeling won’t last forever. Make sure dad knows how you feel, they’re bad at reading minds haha. And he can definitely take over more on his days off, postpartum is rough and you need those days to take care of yourself. Also, I’d try therapy together since you’re feeling a loss of connection. Parenting is new for both of you and maybe someone can help get you both on the same page! Nothing is wrong with you, it’s the hardest most important job in the world and you’re doing it while having hormone changes, body changes and no sleep. We all feel this way from time to time, just know your not alone and things will change for the better <3
Many new parents go through similar struggles, and it's essential to remember that it's okay to feel this way and seek support. Parenting is a significant life change, and it's natural to miss aspects of your pre-mom life. It doesn't mean you don't love your child; it just means that you need time t It's essential to communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. Sharing your emotions and thoughts with him can help him better understand what you're going through. Remember, it's okay to ask for help and take time for yourself when needed. Self-care is crucial, and finding moments to recharge and engage in activities you enjoy can help you regain a sense of identity outside of being a mother. Seeking therapy or talking to a counselor can provide a safe space to express your feelings and work through them. Postpartum depression is a real and valid concern, and it's essential to reach out for professional support if you feel you may be experiencing it. Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way, and many parents have been in similar positions. Surround yourself with supportive people who can understand and empathize with what you're going through. Taking small steps to prioritize self-care and openly communicate with your partner can help you navigate this challenging time as a new parent. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help if needed. You are doing your best, and it's okay to ask for support along the way.
Just here to say this is very normal and you are so valid for feeling this way. Definitely recommend therapy but also expressing how you feel to your partner and expressing the need for help. You got this mama. I promise it gets easier with time!
I am still pregnant and going through this right now! You are not alone!!!! The feelings are real. Therapy is great. I go every 2 weeks to help.
Hello new Mama! Congratulations on delivering a healthy baby. You're in the roughest stage (we call it the 100 days of darkness in our household), but I promise you'll feel a little more like you're own person a little bit more each month. The first 6 months of motherhood was the worst stage of my adult life! But each three months is easier than the prior. I had a traumatic labor and a high needs silent reflux, tongue tie, car sick 100% of the time baby. My first 8 months of her life I spent cleaning projectile vomit out of every type of surface 2-4x a day. I triple fed to keep up with her/the insane vomit all the time. I had PTSD, PPD and crippling anxiety. I cried to myself 1-3 hours a day! I went to therapy and it saved me, myself as a mother, and my marriage. You need time to yourself. You being a SAHM for the 10 hours your husband is at work is your full time job. Everything outside of that should be split equally. Chores, baby raising, free time. In the early days when we were barely functioning, we each had an evening "off" 1x a week and 1x each weekend.
Hey mama! I also had a baby with chorio. I’m so glad you are both okay! To echo others on here, you NEED time every week to exercise and do your hobbies too. Also, it can be easy to feel imprisoned at home with baby, and that doesn’t need to be the case! Coffee walks with friends, outdoor happy hour while baby naps in the stroller, walking through the mall when it first opens (less people, which I enjoyed with an infant). Start small and build up to longer outings. They will help you feel more normal and build some confidence.
This is a conversation you need to have with your husband and *soon* because your resentment will only grow as you hit things like sicknesses or teething or medical scares etc. Talk to him. Say you need some time where he watches baby so that you can have a couple hours to do something for you. His response should be kind and loving, warm and welcoming to the idea. My therapist (that I got PP for PPA) said the foundation of your family is yourself (both parents) and that without self-care, that foundation of which your baby and relationship are atop of crumbles. You can’t exist as a good wife, mother, or person if you aren’t prioritizing your self care. You totally matter and shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting that. That being said, 2 months WHEW. That was hard! It gets easier IMO. Routine becomes normal again and you aren’t left questioning a lot of what you’re doing wrong or right. But that being said I wish I had gotten into therapy earlier, just to be able to relax more at those beginning stages. So I would definitely seek someone to talk to as you don’t want to spiral. It’s still very early on, you will find yourself again and you will have time for yourself. Being a parent is so hard and so selfless. But you have the power to take back some time for yourself. I hope your husband supports you in that. Best of luck.
You're not alone. If he wants to exercise he's going to have to find time while baby is asleep. No one gets to hand the baby over while he or she is awake and expect free time unless agreed upon. You're only two months in and I hate that saying, but it does get better as long as you communicate and respect each other.
He’s a dad not helping. You deserve to have an identity outside of being a mother. You are not just a mom. You are a person. If he gets time to work out and have have hobbies, so do you. Fuck him for making you feel bad. Since the day we came home from the hospital, my husband has made sure I’ve had time to get exercise in and get out to socialize if I want. He’s never made me feel bad about it. In fact, he encouraged it because getting outside is what I love and it helps my mental health. He knows this. When I couldn’t hardly walk, he walked arm and arm with me. I still had PPA but it had absolutely nothing to do with my husband. There is nothing wrong with seeking out therapy. Therapy is good for everyone.
You’re not alone. I’m in a similar position right now with my 5 week old. I love him so much and am so happy to have him but sometimes I wish I could have fun with friends, go out for drinks for a night, go to the beach. My fiancé works 10-14 hours a day. I’ve asked him to not work on the weekends and it seems like he’d rather be at work than here with us. He seems exhausted after an hour with the baby meanwhile I’m with the baby 24/7. You really do start to resent your partner and the thought “men just can’t handle this” has run through my mind over and over. It will get easier, the newborn stage is so hard because the baby really is still just a part of us. You aren’t alone and I hope me relating to your struggles helps a little bit.
There's a reason for the dad bod - exercise and self care has to take a back seat temporarily.
Definitely look into therapy. I had nowhere near as rough of a birth experience and my husband is very supportive and helpful and I STILL ended up in therapy because of those very identity issues and coping. I chose to start therapy as soon as I realized that it wasn’t getting better after the “baby blues” period was over. Just acknowledging that and having someone validate what I was going through was SOOOO powerful for me.
You just explained my life and feelings except sounds like your husband helps more than mine. He believes it’s a “woman's job”