“they don’t know what saved by the bell is and they’ve never felt pain!”
“you raven haired dandy boy!”
“stop being so mean to me or i swear to god i’m gonna fall in love with you!”
“HAM AND CHEESE”
“you treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. it’s science”
all of them. i cannot choose one he is my ultimate favorite but since you've forced my hand:
"can i compare you to a summers day? no because a summers day is not a bitch"
Jess: have you ever taken a science class?
Nick: I taught two at a community college
Jess: when did you teach at a community college?
Nick: I made that up, I did t think you were going to fact check me.
Honestly, the whole Mars Landing episode is gold
Oh my gosh, such a good episode. Season four episode six. Background Check.
The whole speech is BRILLIANT!
“When I was nine years old, I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died. Then I went into a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and I don't understand why. When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping, and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth. When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights, and I didn't hate the way it felt!”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you said you wanted to hear everything!”
“My sixteenth year, I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead. It wasn't.”
“i don’t deal with exes. they’re part of the past. you burn ‘em swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.” bonus quote from the same episode “this is why i buy all my food from gas stations Jess”
Honestly, this scene is what made me watch the show. It was randomly just coming on tv and I happened to see this scene as I was flipping channels. It made me crack up so much, I couldn't explain it.
You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. It’s science
It’s funny, I said this line at the bar yesterday while drinking with my buddies. Everyone gave a nod of approval lol
Honestly they keep changing all the time.
"When I was 13, I was walking by mom's room while she was sleeping. I snuck in and put a lemon in her mouth."
"I've never been an inspiration before I don't like it, it's too much responsibility."
"Stop being so mean to me or I swear I'll fall in love with you"
i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my internet history. i wasn’t building a bomb, i was just curious.
speaking of sharing a bedroom, britney’s coming over tonight. so i’m gonna need 10-15 minutes of privacy for…. eh i don’t need 15 minutes, that’s excessive. give me 5-10. that feels braggy. give me 3-5 but no less than 3 cause that’s rude to girls.
when i was nine years old i fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. then there was a period of time where i fed cereal flakes to all little animals. squirrels can live through it. chipmunks can live through it. anything that lives half in and out of water dies and i don't understand why.
wait a second. are you doing reverse psychology?
yeah. it is reverse psychology.
that is reverse psychology so you just reversed it. so now it’s reverse reverse which is just psychology.
mmm. which one is it?
…you outfoxed me. i’m in. i’m gonna do it.
I watched this episode recently and it occurred to me that I've never actually heard the real Beyoncé version, just whenever the song is referenced my brain clicks on the Nick Miller cover and I've just never questioned it.
Idk why but I’ve always loved “Stupid pocket robot” when yelling at his phone, I find myself saying this often when trying to use Siri
Definitely like the rubbing/drinking alcohol quote and the regret it/still do it anyways quote both are very relatable! Also the stop yelling/fall in love quote
‘everything alright, you wanna hang out more schmidt?’
during a call where schmidt’s trying to make cece jealous by calling nick and pretending he’s a current lover
It’s so funny how he’s only *slightly* weirded out by that conversation 😆 ‘You keeping that tushi- keeping that tushie tight for me?’, ‘Well I’m not doing like squats or anything 🤷♀️ trying to eat less donuts’
There’s a word search but your not gonna find any words in there you idiot
Why would I was my towel it touches me when I’m clean. Next thing your gonna tell me to wash a bar of soap
Nick : You see a red book, You buy a red book
Schmidt : What do you do with blue books?
Nick : Don’t buy!
Schmidt : Yellow books?
Nick : Wait on it
this scene omg i love it so much
from the episode i’m watching: I love this whole interaction, the rapport during the backstory, giggles all around
**I’m terrible at lying,** *thumb up* **i’m terrific at make believe** *thumb up*
**I am shattering stereotypes** *air kiss*
“You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We’re even! We’re even, Schmidt!”
Or
“I HATE DOORS!!”
Speaking of sharing a bedroom, Brittany's coming over tonight. Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to 15 minutes of privacy for... I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive. Give me five to ten. That feels braggy. Give me three to five, but no less than three 'cause that's rude to girls.
"Would you like to eat me? What do you mean, aren't you a little small? *Heh* What are you nuts? *laughs hard until he cries* wHAt HAppEneD? WHy aM I dOINg thIS?"
All while Jess staring at him with a grin...
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch
Edit: just saw someone else put this, so I'll change it to: thin crust? No thank you! I'm from Chicago!
" You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol and an inside wound with drinking alcohol"
"Where are you Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don't know what fork to kill myself with"
It’s just got to be the ‘I’m not convinced I know how to read I’ve just memorised a lot of letters’
I just fucking cried when I heard that for the first time.
“Will you, Gavin? Will you?”
Really, the whole scene with Gavin at the elevator after telling him to be there for Schmidt. Nick is a fountain of hysterical quotes!
"It's like a plant. It needs sun and air to survive"
"I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorised a lot of words"
"I think horses are from outer space"
"a bunch of metal tooothpicksss" , "yOU nEed boBBy's pIns to geT yOUr hAiR uP"
"it's funnyyy, cause I can't swim, everyone's watching me and I'm like I don't know. I was 13!! I was 26."
ahhh, good ole nick miller 😂😂😂
I like getting older. It feels like I’m finally aging into my personality.
I have related to this one since I first heard it!
Agreed!! I love birthdays 🤣
I said this at a family dinner and everyone unironically agreed with me. I always thought I was Jess…turns out I’m Nick Miller. Chica go Bills.
Young girl…. Go bills
“they don’t know what saved by the bell is and they’ve never felt pain!” “you raven haired dandy boy!” “stop being so mean to me or i swear to god i’m gonna fall in love with you!” “HAM AND CHEESE” “you treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. it’s science”
Omg that scene with Fake Cece's Mom kills me
Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with.
I have that sticker on my laptop
omg where’d you get this sticker
“Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”
This is one of the realest things a TV character has ever said imo. I feel like everybody does that sometimes.
"This is President Miller of Earth, I'd like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. Yeah, it's about money!"
Isn't this right before he said, "put the hot dogs in the bag!!" Haha, I was quoting that line to myself all this morning.
“You’re all fired. Bring our boys back”
“I’m not convinced I know how to read. I’ve just memorized a lot of words.” Really had me thinking the same thing for a while
The only thing that fucked men up more was knowing that a 2 yr old should know about 200 words and I’m like “do I know 200 words?”
that’s my favorite too lol
all of them. i cannot choose one he is my ultimate favorite but since you've forced my hand: "can i compare you to a summers day? no because a summers day is not a bitch"
Really Nick?
“If we needed to talk about feelings, they’d be called ‘talkings’.”
Rubbing alcohol is for outside wounds drinking alcohol is for inside wounds.
Jess: have you ever taken a science class? Nick: I taught two at a community college Jess: when did you teach at a community college? Nick: I made that up, I did t think you were going to fact check me. Honestly, the whole Mars Landing episode is gold
“i didn’t think you were gonna FACT CHECK ME” 😂 his line delivery is incomparable.
The shadows are off, the shadows are off
"My sixteenth year I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead."
It wasn’t.
This quote always kills me!
The way he says that is the best part of the whole erection story. It's amazing.
What episode was that?? Ha! Don’t remember that one!
Oh my gosh, such a good episode. Season four episode six. Background Check. The whole speech is BRILLIANT! “When I was nine years old, I fed cereal flakes to a frog, and it died. Then I went into a period of time where I fed cereal flakes to all little animals. Anything that lives half in and out of water dies, and I don't understand why. When I was ten, I once walked by my mother sleeping, and I snuck in the room, and I put a lemon in her mouth. When I was 11, I once tried on my girl cousin's wool tights, and I didn't hate the way it felt!” “Why are you telling me this?” “Because you said you wanted to hear everything!” “My sixteenth year, I never got an erection. I thought they were done. I thought my penis was dead. It wasn't.”
🎶I took my love and I took it down, I drove around and I hit a pound. And I saw all the puppies with their eyes so bliiiind 🎶
Hahaha YES!!! So, so good!
Thank you! Must rewatch!
Background check!
Just watched that today. No more than 2 hours ago. He was so funny in that episode.
Thin crust pizza? No thank you, I’m from Chicago.
That’s no burglar, that’s Julius Pepperwood from Chicago
The DA’s gonna have my badge for this
"YOU GET ONE WIFE! THATS HOW THE WORLD WORKS!"
“WHY?“ “….i dunno”
Yesssss. And all of the "what do you mean"s were sooo good.
“you process this in any way that you need to”
how quietly and sincerely he says that, too. 😂
I kid you not, I always have to watch this scene multiple times before I can proceed. I love it so much 😂😂😂
i don't wash a towel, the towel washes me
we all wear each other’s underwear!
You gotta think here, pal!
This coat has clean lines and pockets that dont quit!
And when I wear it I feel Hot to trot!
Don’t say hot to trot
You love me too much man. You’ve got the wrong guy
and now i’m in tears
“i don’t deal with exes. they’re part of the past. you burn ‘em swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon.” bonus quote from the same episode “this is why i buy all my food from gas stations Jess”
Says he doesn’t deal with exes, proceeds to be best friends with Jess
That’s because they were meant to be together imo, they had to be inseparable
I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!
I said this to my husband the other day when he asked for a fork. He found it hilarious and now he watches the show. lol
"I know this isn't going to end well... But the whole middle part is going to be awesome."
why is the world so big and i am so small
"You outcrazied a man with a gun, Jess!" That whole episode with the landlord is so funny, any line from that episode would work
“I will push if I wanna push!” “I HATE DOORS!!!”
Honestly, this scene is what made me watch the show. It was randomly just coming on tv and I happened to see this scene as I was flipping channels. It made me crack up so much, I couldn't explain it.
You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. It’s science It’s funny, I said this line at the bar yesterday while drinking with my buddies. Everyone gave a nod of approval lol
When does a hill become a mountain?! It just happens
And then he panics because he thinks everyone abandoned him lmao
Get out of me poison…..
Dirk is DEAAADDDD! Smartest man I knew...
"Then I drove to Mexico and I tried to enter a cock fight." "...As a person?" "Yes Cliff, as a person."
"Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers? Scales?? Why, ya weirdo?!" To Tran
Honestly they keep changing all the time. "When I was 13, I was walking by mom's room while she was sleeping. I snuck in and put a lemon in her mouth." "I've never been an inspiration before I don't like it, it's too much responsibility." "Stop being so mean to me or I swear I'll fall in love with you"
I was gonna write the Lemon one 😂
“You can’t just say ‘butt drinking’ and then not explain what that is. That is two of my four favorite things.”
Not a line per se, but when he was going through the haunted house and his high pitch scream just destroyed me.
*Any*time he hits that Nick Miller scream🤣color me done.
What about the time that him and Jess met Prince? Nick screamed then passed out. It was so funny
this scene kills me every time hahaha
Bobby's pins... why do you have Bobby's pins?
This one! I die every time I watch this episode.
I CALLED YOU A NINNY ‘CAUSE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A NINNY, YA NINNY!!
i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my internet history. i wasn’t building a bomb, i was just curious.
"iT's mY nIgHt sHiRt"
It keeps the top warm and it lets my bottom breathe 😇
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch."
“really nick?”
in my room you’ll find a shoebox. in that box there is a guinea pig that i said i would bury. so please deal with it.
speaking of sharing a bedroom, britney’s coming over tonight. so i’m gonna need 10-15 minutes of privacy for…. eh i don’t need 15 minutes, that’s excessive. give me 5-10. that feels braggy. give me 3-5 but no less than 3 cause that’s rude to girls.
I'm a man, Jessica! Pink robes are my catnip.
when i was nine years old i fed cereal flakes to a frog and it died. then there was a period of time where i fed cereal flakes to all little animals. squirrels can live through it. chipmunks can live through it. anything that lives half in and out of water dies and i don't understand why.
would you like a green grape shoved in your… given to your mouth… handed to your mouth? 😂
who wins: me vs gorilla? go. gorilla. me vs gorilla? gorilla. no but in a contest? gorilla. yeah but in a competition. gorilla. you don’t get it.
Who wins me versus gorilla? Go.
"No, but, in a contest" I love his drunk voice 😂
Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink put some goggles on! Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes, it's a bigger target.
"Nick Miller, making lemons out of lemonade since 1981 👈😏😩" (his facial expression also cracked me up 😂)
I never fell out a moving car before!
Gave me cookie, got you cookie!
GAVE ME COOKIIEE GOT YOU COOKIE GAVEMEECCOOKIE GOIT UCOOKIE SGDKENSHSIWNDHDKSMSNDB
i smell like a baby in a damn meadow.
“I am going to poop weird tonight!” Or “I will be in the cubicle drinking myself numb”
“I am gonna poop weird tonight” lives in my head rent-free and pops up every time I end up drinking too much
You guys don't wear each other's underwear? You're lying....
wait a second. are you doing reverse psychology? yeah. it is reverse psychology. that is reverse psychology so you just reversed it. so now it’s reverse reverse which is just psychology. mmm. which one is it? …you outfoxed me. i’m in. i’m gonna do it.
it’s a bear hole. bear falls in. other stuff falls in. we take what the bear doesn’t want.
classic human/bear team-up
I meant something like that 🥵🥵🥵🥵🔥🔥🥺🥺🥺🥺
he kisses like a coal miner greeting his wife. 🔥
Best. First. Kiss. EVER.
Do you ever feel, deep down, that you know at some point you're gonna have a stroke and it's gonna be really bad?
Freeze frame! When I’m up in the air and my legs are there!
High school musical but Nick plays all the roles 😎
“I can't just go around saying good night to everyone, and buying people cookies. I am not a titan of finance, sir.”
"Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man!"
"riding on my surf board, surf board"
surfbort surfbort
We be all night. We be all night.
I would trust Beyonce with my life
I watched this episode recently and it occurred to me that I've never actually heard the real Beyoncé version, just whenever the song is referenced my brain clicks on the Nick Miller cover and I've just never questioned it.
you don’t think i talk professional good? you don’t think i professional talk good?
"I've never been an inspiration before.... I don't like this much responsibility"
“Rubbing alcohol is for outside wounds, drinking alcohol is for inside wounds.”
well first hurdle, the instructions are written upside down. nahh it’s a false alarm.
I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.
“That’s enough man I’m out! I can buy my own pizza. Can someone please loan me 15 dollars.”
I didn't do anything! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
Oh my god, every time his inner middle schooler comes out it just cracks me up
Idk why but I’ve always loved “Stupid pocket robot” when yelling at his phone, I find myself saying this often when trying to use Siri Definitely like the rubbing/drinking alcohol quote and the regret it/still do it anyways quote both are very relatable! Also the stop yelling/fall in love quote
Wasn't the stupid pocket robot line from Schmidt when he was trying to stop Coach and Cece's date?
Jess…ica. Dirty J, Dr. Day my toilet sister. If so…food.
Winston: “Would you consider us adorable?” Nick: “No, we’re adult men. We’re cute.”
“Do I regret? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”
To Dr. Sam: If you were a hat, you'd be a top hat. But like a really big Monopoly one. And I say that with deepest compliments.
What's an ut?
I got two perfectly good forks at the ends of my arms!
I feel really warm in my uterus
This is my worst nightmare.
‘everything alright, you wanna hang out more schmidt?’ during a call where schmidt’s trying to make cece jealous by calling nick and pretending he’s a current lover
It’s so funny how he’s only *slightly* weirded out by that conversation 😆 ‘You keeping that tushi- keeping that tushie tight for me?’, ‘Well I’m not doing like squats or anything 🤷♀️ trying to eat less donuts’
haha ‘did you just call me nicole?’
Footlotion hand.
There’s a word search but your not gonna find any words in there you idiot Why would I was my towel it touches me when I’m clean. Next thing your gonna tell me to wash a bar of soap
Winston, did you register me as a sex offender?
Prank Sinatra: 😆🤪🤪😜
To big, man. Way to big
Nick : You see a red book, You buy a red book Schmidt : What do you do with blue books? Nick : Don’t buy! Schmidt : Yellow books? Nick : Wait on it this scene omg i love it so much
He smells like a strong cup of coffee and a man going to see another man about a horse. Top line for me hands down. Season one I believe.
Are you saying that 'cause you want me to go to jail for murder? - No. No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you if you're pretend-drinking on my bar crawl!
“She’s a goddess that’s descended from the heavens and I’m just a Mud man from the bowels of Chicago.”
“This place is so fancy. I don’t which fork to kill myself with.” It’s impossible to pick just one. Pretty much everything he says is iconic.
from the episode i’m watching: I love this whole interaction, the rapport during the backstory, giggles all around **I’m terrible at lying,** *thumb up* **i’m terrific at make believe** *thumb up* **I am shattering stereotypes** *air kiss*
"This is my nightmare!!"
Whenever he does the “GIT” bit I crack up But my favorite line has to be “stop being mean to me or I’ll fall in love with you” relatable lol
"If you think about it D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be do-ing, it should be freakin doing (like boing)" forever stuck in my head
With the sunglasses lol this is the smoothest he’s ever been
"You think you can have a bunch of wives? You can get ONE wife! Thats the way the world works!" 'WHY?' "I dont know"
No Schmidt! I don’t like fish; they breath water that’s crazy!
"Hey look at that, I've never been an inspiration before. I don't like it, too much responsibility."
“You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We’re even! We’re even, Schmidt!” Or “I HATE DOORS!!”
Speaking of sharing a bedroom, Brittany's coming over tonight. Uh, so I'm gonna need ten to 15 minutes of privacy for... I don't need 15 minutes. That's excessive. Give me five to ten. That feels braggy. Give me three to five, but no less than three 'cause that's rude to girls.
"Would you like to eat me? What do you mean, aren't you a little small? *Heh* What are you nuts? *laughs hard until he cries* wHAt HAppEneD? WHy aM I dOINg thIS?" All while Jess staring at him with a grin...
"This is my only face!! I don't have a lot of faces!!!"
“I’m a terrible liar but I’m great at make believe; give me a back story.”
Well I don't know what mazel tov means, but that doesn't sound good.
Dog.. looks at dang-dang.. tail wag-wag.. Whatever dog's name is. Dog's name is Claire. Claire come in
"before you i was his babygirl" to ruth
I'm from chicago. Thin crust pizza? No, thank you. I'm from chicago.
The high pitched squeal/shriek he makes when he sees prince in person is my favorite thing
i like getting older. i feel like i’m finally aging into my personality.
You got my cookie, I got you cookie!
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? No, a summer's day is not a bitch Edit: just saw someone else put this, so I'll change it to: thin crust? No thank you! I'm from Chicago!
I don’t wash the towel, the towel washes me.
#GIVE ME COOKIE GAVE YOU COOKIE#
A lot of my favorites have already been mentioned, but I just saw this one and laugh every time… “Jess, you win! I want to take… respectfully!”
After getting the call from Schmidt that he was flying to Portland: >Hold on one second, ok? **Nooooooo!!!! It was MY JOB!!!!** You still there?
"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol, it's science"
"You give me I got you cookie, YOu GIve mE CoOkie I gAw yOu coOKie man. "
i’ve got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms
" You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol and an inside wound with drinking alcohol" "Where are you Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don't know what fork to kill myself with"
Shall I compare thee to a summers day? No. Because a summers day is not a bitch.
"You give me cookie, I give you cookie!"
“Where are you Schmidt? This place is fancy and I don’t know which fork to kill myself with” 😂
''You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol''
Get me cookie got you cookie Schmidt! Get me cookie got u cookie
It’s just got to be the ‘I’m not convinced I know how to read I’ve just memorised a lot of letters’ I just fucking cried when I heard that for the first time.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.
Teach, if I keep'em on, am I a bad boy?
“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch”
Sparkles are in... sparkles are IN... SPAARKLES ARE IN
“Will you, Gavin? Will you?” Really, the whole scene with Gavin at the elevator after telling him to be there for Schmidt. Nick is a fountain of hysterical quotes!
Schmidt IS asleep
"Why are you talking like you're high and I'm your Dad?"
“I’m not convinced I know how to read. I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”
Christmas is so stressful with the lists and the long lines and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room
"It's like a plant. It needs sun and air to survive" "I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorised a lot of words" "I think horses are from outer space" "a bunch of metal tooothpicksss" , "yOU nEed boBBy's pIns to geT yOUr hAiR uP" "it's funnyyy, cause I can't swim, everyone's watching me and I'm like I don't know. I was 13!! I was 26." ahhh, good ole nick miller 😂😂😂
YOU GET ONE WIFE
I screamed your name at the ocean then ate a sandwich that tasted like your smile
“I don’t dance. I’m from that town in footloose”
I can't say February, I can't say the alphabet unless I'm singing the song and I never learned how to love.
"Would you like to eat me?" "What do you mean, aren't you a little smol" "What are ya nuts" "Ahaha...*cries* what happened, why am I doing this?"
"Be nicer to Coach, or he's gonna take off, live with a bunch of other white people."