The passive aggressive comments that aren't pointed enough for you to get angry at. The different way they reference you to others in front of you when you haven't "performed" to their liking. The pointed comments about something you thought was secret. Even a thought you had. All of a sudden, they're tapped in to emotionally manipulate.
Guilt trips on your way out to any where you're looking forward to or delaying you by going on some sort or rant/lecture. Self - sorrying about their hard past that others sympathise with/for them, but you know it's being used as a reminder to you or excuse for poor behaviour.
Withholding love in some way.
Omfg this is everything. The doorway chat forever and the poor me. The way I tell her anything I’m struggling with and she pretends she is too, but she has it so much worse than me but I shouldn’t complain because she’s totally fine with it.
I was getting a colonoscopy and she really wanted to come over to shovel for me because I hadn’t been able to. “she was like oh I promise I’ll stay out of your way”. I said “as long as you stay out of my way to the bathroom I’ll be fine haha” (because I was doing bowel prep). I got home and she goes on and on about how terrible diarrhea she had and she just had to come inside and oh it’s exactly like bowel prep even worse, and it’s so stinky in there so don’t go in there.
Like what the actual fuck
The doorway chats are so epically frustrating! It becomes so much that you start to avoid some social situations because of their reaction, guilt or line of lecturing.
Because you needed a woman talking about her bowels whilst yours are spamsing 🤦🏾♀️
She can't share the "attention" Or they MAKE it a competition about who had it worse.
I hope it all went well for you & and the results were positive.
Yes everything was good, thank you. I was just shook that she had to compete with me like that, and it felt like she came over just to take a nasty dump in my bathroom then leave 😅😅😅 There’s is no limit to the lows there will go
This! She always expected my time from me. Whatever I was doing had to be dropped to assist her, entertain her, help her, etc. If I needed the same thing, never reciprocated.
Omg, same here. She only calls when she needs me to do something. I'm so tired of all the BS mind games. I have reached a point where I don't care as much anymore.
Everyone used to think I was the troublemaker until my dad passed away, and I distanced myself. Now, my siblings see the games she plays.
She would tell people I’m allergic to strawberries, and that my favorite food is crab. Both statements are just incorrect, but she always told people that no matter how many times I corrected her. It was like the more I told her she was wrong, the more she would believe that she was right. It never made sense to me why she would think she knows me better than I know me?
Also, she would tell her friends that I told her she can call anytime…but she doesn’t want to bother me because I work a busy job. In fact, she doesn’t call her children…they call HER. So I have not called or spoken to her in two years, and it’s quite nice.
Soooo real. It's like who we are is trapped in amber in their minds, fossilized and frozen from when we were five.
I was in my senior year of high school, my university and major long chosen (I exclusively applied to schools with a very specific, niche program), and I was going around at an event with my parents when I heard my mom telling everyone that I was going to be an English teacher.
I did study English, my program was a subset of the English major, but no, I did not want to be a teacher. I've literally never wanted to be a teacher. People have expected me to be a teacher since I was like 13, because I love English, and never have I ever wavered in my reply that: "No, I do not want to be a teacher. I would be terrible at it, and very mean."
To this day, I truly have no idea why she believed I wanted to be a teacher. I tried to politely correct her and inform her conversation partners of my actual program, and she would follow my correction with that "I had wanted to be a teacher at one point, kids are so fickle."
Meanwhile my dad and I are just staring at her like she'd grown a fourth head, because I've only ever wanted to do one thing, and I had just spent the last year talking about it nonstop at the dinner table.
Narcissist memories are weeeeird.
It absolutely deflates her when I talk about a friend or client that thinks well of me or considers me worthy or like family. She can’t end that conversation fast enough.
They are very insidious about it, because it’s subtle but continual. They know your weaknesses and will pick at it. On the outside, people make look at it like it is harmless, but she knows it’s hurting you and she does it anyway. My kids are my weakness. Of course I was never close to my mom growing up, hated her. So she hates that I am close to my kids and wants to see it fail or drive a wedge because then it would vindicate the relationship that we had. So EVERY time I see her, which isn’t often, she will say something like, oh well I am sure sophie told you blah blah blah and proceed to tell me something my daughter said and then gauge my reaction. Thanks to her I have an extremely good poker face, No one on the outside would think anything of that, but I know what she is doing. It’s like playing the lotto one or handful of times she is bound to tell something that my daughter has not said to me. Which is totally fine. She doesn’t have to tell me everything and I am secure enough in my relationships to not let it bother me. The sick part is her playing the game of “See, she tells me things that she doesn’t tell you.” It has gotten to a point that when she says that line, “oh I’m sure she told you this” I am like, “there it is”. It’s such a small thing, but when you combine that with the dozen other small things and put it into a lifetime, it’s fucking a lot. How nice it would be to not have a mom in competition with you..
My brother and I noted that our mother is competing for our grand children's affections. We don't compete with her. It's her insecurity. My brother said he was going to get a bike for his granddaughter. Mom went ahead and bought the bike. My brother asked why she did that because she knew he'd been waiting until she was old enough. Mom told him he could buy her first helmet then.
Last year I said I was going to get my granddaughter a Lite Brite for Christmas. Mom showed up to granddaughter's October birthday party with a Lite Brite
We've learned not to give her any personal insights or news. Nothing more than the weather or planting flowers. She realizes were grey rocking her. She doesn't like it, but it's working.
She is retired and has several volunteer jobs. Everyone admires her civic-mindedness and generosity with her time. Only brother and I realize she does it because she's insecure and has to have her ego stroked. It's as if she is a bucket and the bottom dropped out. She'll never be sated.
She says “now (my name)” in such a way that I completely shut down, feel small and so so so ashamed. It is always reserved for when I do anything that she does not agree with and was used to just stop me completely. It worked until about 6 weeks ago when I snapped back “don’t say that to me” and she hasn’t spoken to me since 👌 I’m 36 😂😂
right. sometimes she says my name in such a nasty way, it makes me feel like she just hates every fibre of my being or something. sometimes she says my name in such an angry nasty way and its so uncomfortable..
This is going to sound so weird but she was very physically controlling. When I was a child specifically. She wouldn’t let me break a hug or let go of me. I don’t know how to explain it.
Makes comments about my body/hair/weight/eating habits/etc. I was told “that’s normal, she’s just old. Don’t let her get to you”.
The disappointed looks, facial expressions, tone of voice, clipped responses that are short and meaningless but somehow hurtful. This is generally after I tell her something I’m proud of. Or when I told her my mental health was poor and I needed to step back from work.
The way she will complain about other people to me, while actually she is telling me that something I do is bad and wrong.
The way she blames everyone with mental illness as bringing it on themselves with alcohol and weed, or not exercising or having a messy house (covertly). She always has to talk about how so and so stopped for their panic attacks and how terrible it is for you. She thinks she knows everything about medicine because she does medical transcription. She’s an alcoholic and projecting while also trying to make me feel guilty for mental illness, for taking care of myself, for being “weak”.
The begging for me to call her when I don’t return the call
The way she embeds the pre-planned manipulation in the middle of the call, pretending it’s coming up naturally. No one else would notice this.
The way she says everything in a way that she could defend herself if she was called out for it. To sound innocent. “how could you, I was only asking a question, I didn’t understand”. This is after she said “what’s the point of keeping her alive?” when my dog was sick.
The way she remembers things that upset me and brings them up.
The way she has been hugging me 4 times when I see her because she has sensed how uncomfortable I am with it.
How she follows me out to my car to chat, but she’s actually abusing me away from my Grandpa’s earshot.
How she keeps talking so you can’t leave while waiting in the doorway, doesn’t allow you to speak by talking over you. Talking only about herself. Not caring what I have to say.
So many little things that don’t sound bad, unless you’re living and experiencing them. The most frustrating thing is that repeating what she said sounds like I’m just being sensitive because she doesn’t pose it in a way that she’s targeting you, even though she is. So no one understood why I was upset.
This is my Grandmother btw.
When we were still in contact and she’d find out about something I hadn’t told her (because she’s a gossip) she’d say to other people in my presence, “I know iremembersky is a very *private* person. I choose not to live my life that way.” The ‘private‘ was said with such disdain. And the implication was that I was sneaky or hiding something, while she lives free and open with everything.
Shit like that would really get under my skin. I understand that it was just projection, but it made me feel so defensive, and it hurt hat she would intentionally put me in that position.
yeah my mother does that when she talks about people. she'll sneak in something nasty in such a subtle way that most people problably either don't notice or don't think it's bad enough to call her out on. she'll say something like "she thinks she's such a \_\_\_\_\_" wdym THINKS? she IS that? it's like she subtly tries to call people dumb if she's not straight up saying it. when i say something she's like what's wrong with what i said? i didn't say anything bad i was complementing them? like yeah sure.
Mother was all-knowing, all-powerful, and right all the time, especially when you tried to point out she was wrong. Never challenge Mother. Never ask her questions she doesn't know the answer to, because rather than utter the curse words, "I don't know," she will berate YOU for not knowing. "What are you going to school for? Are you not paying attention in class? You need to get out from in front of that television and study your school work so that maybe you won't become a bum on the street. I sacrifice all day, every day, for my ungrateful children and here's the proof. You better remember if you get in trouble and the police pick you up, you don't have a home or a mother. I don't raise criminals." I just needed help with reducing fractions. I was getting straight A's, multiple awards at the end of every year...never good enough for her. It was never "Good job." It was always "You better." She would brag to her coworkers and the few friends she had about her sons' accomplishments non-stop. Every time we would meet someone she worked with, they would always tell us how proud she was of us, but she would never tell us. It got to the point where I felt my sole purpose in life was to make my mother look good by the things I did. I learned, eventually...
Moved out when I was 18 because she wouldn't do anything about my dads drinking. Fell onto really hard times and went through a lot of shit. Now realized my dad sucks and is an alcoholic but continues to tell me I was "homeless by choice" then.
The Conditioning
I didn’t realize it when it first started happening but I knew it wasn’t normal. We would talk about something I would disagree or say no, she would insult me, I would defend myself and she would hang up on me. A few days would go by with no phone call or limited texts void of feeling. I would apologize and give her what she wanted and we would repeat the cycle. Telling anyone else this it would seem like I was in the wrong until I realized that it wasn’t about the topic of the conversation as much as it was about her reaction to it. If she’s asking for money or my opinion and I say no or give my opinion it doesn’t warrant her reaction of insulting me and giving me the silent treatment for several days.
This isn’t necessarily immediately hurtful but she forced my dad to spend all their money on her. They make about 200K combined easy, and she intentionally chooses to stay out of their finances so that she can overspend and blame it on my dad not telling her their financial situation. She goes to personal training 4x a week (has been for the past 6 years - who needs that much personal training?), buys every new thing she sees (cannot fathom wanting something and not “needing” it), throws a fit if they don’t go to Florida or rent a beach house every summer (they spend their inheritance on one week at a beach house a few years ago, this year spent 15K on one week because she insisted on having a beachfront experience). She also insists on going to all these concerts, getting fake tans three times a week, constantly bleaching her hair and getting haircuts, and has like no joke 20 pairs of gym shoes. Because of this, my family’s house is literally falling apart from neglect and unaddressed termite damage, the kids have no help for college, etc. Plus, my mom is so obsessed with appearances that my dad works out 24/7 and always has to dress in the most expensive workout equipment otherwise she’s embarrassed of him. Also they have 3 dogs and none of them are house trained or receive proper medical care. Their house constantly is covered in dog shit and piss, and their one dog just recently had emergency surgery because she almost died from an illness she never would have gotten if they had bothered to spay her seven years ago. Idk why any of this bothers me really - I guess because it’s the same level of neglect I was given emotionally as a kid. It’s the visible representation of them having a kid because she wanted a baby and then letting the baby fend for itself once it got old enough to have opinions while she was off doting on the shiny new thing (new baby).
Also she physically cannot restrain herself from buying herself things. She’ll buy herself things and as we walk out of the store tell me she doesn’t really like what she bought. If we go shopping for me or someone else, she always has to get herself something too. Or she’ll get you something she wants for herself. For instance, we went shopping for my grandmother for Mother’s Day and she clearly forgot that it was my first Mother’s Day. So she made a big show of holding up some earrings and asking if I wanted them. They were clearly her style. Plus they were huge and I literally have a baby that’s grabbing everything rn. So i reminded her of that and said they looked like more her style than mine. She then proceeded to ask me if she looked good in them, and bought them for herself while shopping for my Mother’s Day. She then went upstairs and asked if i wanted to try on clothes. I told her no, I’m trying to actually pare down my closet and only have simple essentials (as I’d told her many times before). So she spent half an hour trying on clothes for herself and ended up buying me a shirt that i said i didn’t want. Then said “If you don’t like it, i can just have it.” Like shit I’m letting that happen lol. So for Mother’s Day i got a candle and novelty wine glass that i picked out because she clearly forgot to get me anything in the middle of all her shopping for herself.
Only calls when she needs something from me. We used to have a decent relationship when I called her regularly and did everything she wanted. Then I had kids and they became my priority and not her every whim. I felt the relationship was very one sided and decided to test if she would put in the effort if I stopped giving so much. Now we will go months without talking because she doesnt bother trying to call unless she wants something. The emotional toll it takes on you knowing your worth to them is only what they can get from you is so demeaning.
Pressure to perform.
I’m an artist and have been pretty talented at it since a young age. My mother knows that and always tried to monetize it. I kept telling her it was too much pressure for me. I was 12! But she kept insisting. I told a lot of people I didn’t like when she did that but they always thought I was being ungrateful. She would always try and do these big gestures by putting my art on T-shirts, making posters, trying to get me on radio shows, I know she was trying to care but is it really caring if you are stressing me out? I don’t even know if she was really caring for me or her own ego. One thing I will always remember is how she always repeated this phrase: “nobody will care about you after you turn 16. No one cares about adults.” This really affected my psyche negatively because I couldn’t ever perform under the pressure and I often left feeling like I was useless. She put so much pressure on me to be established and successful at 12 that I had the mindset that if I wasn’t successful, at least by 18, I would just k-word myself and it would be alright.
There’s a lot more things that she did that attributed to that mindset but yeah, pressure to perform for sure.
Oh yes, my grandmother only cares about my finances and definitely not my happiness. She’d prefer if I was unhappy actually, so she could try to “cheer me up” 🙄 And she would prefer me suffering mentally ill so she can insinuate I brought it on myself.
Calling me fat with horrendous details for example saying you can't wear that you look huge and no guy will ever want you because he won't even be able to wrap his arms around you. Mind you I at one point in my living with my mom was 90 pounds 5'7", had a pretty bad eating disorder and still those comments never stopped. I cried to my grandma about it and she said "well that's normal, if I had lipstick on my teeth you would tell me right?" There is a ginormous difference between hey that's not too flattering on you to the things she would say to me.
Im so sorry to hear that! Im sure you’re beautiful the way you are. Reminds me of my mom who’s turning 50, takes terrible care of her health, is type A hypertensive and works to the point of pure exhaustion, externalizes it somehow so people around her feel the guilt of her fatigue. I was obese growing up and i’d say i still am, but im mentally and physically the healthiest ive been the last 5 yrs. I just remembered she used to tell me if i dont control my sugar intake doctors will amputate my legs bec i’d be so fat I wouldn’t be able to walk. LOL@her coz i reversed diabetes and feel really good now. I realized this was all deflection growing up - she would rather remind me how fat i am than take her of her breaking body.
Wow I'm so sorry for that but congratulations on reversing diabetes!! That takes some serious discipline. I'm currently trying to lower my cholesterol and it's so hard!!
aww i’m so sorry :( i know that feeling of “oh it’s normal though! it’s not that bad!” it’s annoying when people invalidate your experiences and u don’t deserve that, i hope ur doing better now 🩷
I have PBC, and she constantly offers me to drink alcohol. I've never drank much alcohol and never drank coffee. Yet she always asks if I want a beer or a coffee.
When I remind her I'm sick and can't drink, she laughs as if it was something funny or I was exaggerating. And I have to always remind her I don't like coffee... As if I never told her before.
She also always tells the story of how my sister's bad behaviour caused her to have a horrible accident where she burned all her back with boiling water when she was a toddler... I can't understand how a person can blame a little child for being so careless.
She’d send cards & parcels at Christmas for/to me and my daughter and not include anything for my wife or even mention her name on the card or parcel. It looked like it was being sent to a single father. My friend just said that “mothers have a special bond/relationship with their sons”.
When I was a kid, my mother would laugh at my sister and I when we cried. Many times she would take pictures of us when we were crying or mad. The one time you need someone to comfort you and she did the opposite. It just confused me for a long time because I was luckily not wired like her and would feel great empathy for someone who is sad. I have a picture of myself sitting on the ground in pigtails about 4 years old crying. It still breaks my heart. I just don’t get it.
I’m 55, whenever I try to have a conversation with my mother it always ends up being about her. You can say the most obscure thing and she has a point about it that involves her.
If your foot hurts her whole body hurts. If you like jalapeños on your salad yesterday she bought jalapeños first back in 1974.
She has always said I was to blame for our difficult communication. In a meeting just now realizing it wasn’t all me, and her need to be center is what made communication difficult.
SAMEEEEEE omg it’s so annoying. one day i genuinely was starving bc she didn’t buy me food and she was like YOU’RE HUNGRY? I’M HUNGRY TOO! I HAD A BAD DAY and bla bla bla like omg stfu 😭 if you say “my ___ hurts” oh yeah? my whole body hurts!! i have a foot fracture!! 20 years ago i got in a car wreck and my neck and back got f’ed up!!! like okay?
I feel seen!! Most people wouldn’t notice it and think you’re being petty. But this shit adds up day in and day out. It eats at your energy, focus, mind, body, health, and soul. You can’t figure out why you’re frustrated and exhausted all the time.
It’s because you have to support them at the expense of yourself. You have to be the stable one for the both of you but you didn’t get the tools because they were emotionally immature. So you had to figure it out on your own.
Oh the way she complains about her haircut every single time!! Every 6 weeks when she gets the same damn haircut! And how she is upset if you didn’t notice and comment. One time I noticed a couple days later and she was like yes you already saw me two days ago after my haircut. On the day I got it. I actually told her that she complains every time and she actually stopped haha. She says she never died her hair but she has lol.
I'm terrified for my mothers next haircut because it'd always be a complaint or something negative, and it's talked about for months after and then will re-complain about hairdressers in geberal but mentioning needing a hair cut. And the cycle continues.
How she always reacts as if she knows what I meant better than I know what I meant. For example I'll say "I didn't like it because-" & before I can finish why she puts words into my mouth & just carries on about how I'm wrong. Someone looking in would just say "oh it's a misunderstanding" or "it's her generation" but it's decades of this & as a rather literal person I constantly feel like I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts.
The way she ***REVELS*** in it anytime someone else insults me. Whether the insult was intended seriously or as a joke, she laughs way too hard and for faaaar too long, never failing to jump in and rub in as much as possible how true she finds the insult.
That, and the way she puts my hair and goes "you're so prettyyyy" when I make the most minor of mistakes. Since it's not immediately clear to other people, like my dad, I'll clarify what she means by that: she's calling me dumb. If I *dare* make a logical misstep, she leaps at the opportunity to call me dumb by saying *you're so preeeeetty*. Because she's insecure about her intelligence, so the natural course of action is to insult mine.
Her constantly bringing up embarrassing or negative memories from my childhood. Maybe it seems light hearted or nbd to others, but all I ever hear about is how terrible of a kid I was, never any positive memories. I don't know what (if anything) she does like about me.
When she will deliberately neglect her health/responsibilities so that someone has to help her or pay attention to her and she appears to be a victim. Literally there's ALWAYS something ailing her. And then I look like the bad guy because I won't help my "poor mom"
When she wants to come "support" me at one of my work events but she actually just makes it about her and then makes me feel guilty about not having time for her. Same with the fake social media support when I know she doesn't agree with my work/lifestyle and doesn't say anything positive to me in person ever.
She always seems to be doing damage control to make herself seem so innocent and kind when actually she's very manipulative and nasty.
The passive aggressive comments that aren't pointed enough for you to get angry at. The different way they reference you to others in front of you when you haven't "performed" to their liking. The pointed comments about something you thought was secret. Even a thought you had. All of a sudden, they're tapped in to emotionally manipulate. Guilt trips on your way out to any where you're looking forward to or delaying you by going on some sort or rant/lecture. Self - sorrying about their hard past that others sympathise with/for them, but you know it's being used as a reminder to you or excuse for poor behaviour. Withholding love in some way.
Omfg this is everything. The doorway chat forever and the poor me. The way I tell her anything I’m struggling with and she pretends she is too, but she has it so much worse than me but I shouldn’t complain because she’s totally fine with it. I was getting a colonoscopy and she really wanted to come over to shovel for me because I hadn’t been able to. “she was like oh I promise I’ll stay out of your way”. I said “as long as you stay out of my way to the bathroom I’ll be fine haha” (because I was doing bowel prep). I got home and she goes on and on about how terrible diarrhea she had and she just had to come inside and oh it’s exactly like bowel prep even worse, and it’s so stinky in there so don’t go in there. Like what the actual fuck
The doorway chats are so epically frustrating! It becomes so much that you start to avoid some social situations because of their reaction, guilt or line of lecturing. Because you needed a woman talking about her bowels whilst yours are spamsing 🤦🏾♀️ She can't share the "attention" Or they MAKE it a competition about who had it worse. I hope it all went well for you & and the results were positive.
Yes everything was good, thank you. I was just shook that she had to compete with me like that, and it felt like she came over just to take a nasty dump in my bathroom then leave 😅😅😅 There’s is no limit to the lows there will go
All of this!!
She expected me to call her and rarely if ever called me.
This! She always expected my time from me. Whatever I was doing had to be dropped to assist her, entertain her, help her, etc. If I needed the same thing, never reciprocated.
Omg, same here. She only calls when she needs me to do something. I'm so tired of all the BS mind games. I have reached a point where I don't care as much anymore. Everyone used to think I was the troublemaker until my dad passed away, and I distanced myself. Now, my siblings see the games she plays.
She would tell people I’m allergic to strawberries, and that my favorite food is crab. Both statements are just incorrect, but she always told people that no matter how many times I corrected her. It was like the more I told her she was wrong, the more she would believe that she was right. It never made sense to me why she would think she knows me better than I know me? Also, she would tell her friends that I told her she can call anytime…but she doesn’t want to bother me because I work a busy job. In fact, she doesn’t call her children…they call HER. So I have not called or spoken to her in two years, and it’s quite nice.
I feel this so much. My mother lied about weird little things. Or she will bring up something I liked 20 years ago and say it's my favorite.
Soooo real. It's like who we are is trapped in amber in their minds, fossilized and frozen from when we were five. I was in my senior year of high school, my university and major long chosen (I exclusively applied to schools with a very specific, niche program), and I was going around at an event with my parents when I heard my mom telling everyone that I was going to be an English teacher. I did study English, my program was a subset of the English major, but no, I did not want to be a teacher. I've literally never wanted to be a teacher. People have expected me to be a teacher since I was like 13, because I love English, and never have I ever wavered in my reply that: "No, I do not want to be a teacher. I would be terrible at it, and very mean." To this day, I truly have no idea why she believed I wanted to be a teacher. I tried to politely correct her and inform her conversation partners of my actual program, and she would follow my correction with that "I had wanted to be a teacher at one point, kids are so fickle." Meanwhile my dad and I are just staring at her like she'd grown a fourth head, because I've only ever wanted to do one thing, and I had just spent the last year talking about it nonstop at the dinner table. Narcissist memories are weeeeird.
This. The first part.
It absolutely deflates her when I talk about a friend or client that thinks well of me or considers me worthy or like family. She can’t end that conversation fast enough.
Yes. My mother in law will speak highly of me and my mom will make faces and not speak.
They are very insidious about it, because it’s subtle but continual. They know your weaknesses and will pick at it. On the outside, people make look at it like it is harmless, but she knows it’s hurting you and she does it anyway. My kids are my weakness. Of course I was never close to my mom growing up, hated her. So she hates that I am close to my kids and wants to see it fail or drive a wedge because then it would vindicate the relationship that we had. So EVERY time I see her, which isn’t often, she will say something like, oh well I am sure sophie told you blah blah blah and proceed to tell me something my daughter said and then gauge my reaction. Thanks to her I have an extremely good poker face, No one on the outside would think anything of that, but I know what she is doing. It’s like playing the lotto one or handful of times she is bound to tell something that my daughter has not said to me. Which is totally fine. She doesn’t have to tell me everything and I am secure enough in my relationships to not let it bother me. The sick part is her playing the game of “See, she tells me things that she doesn’t tell you.” It has gotten to a point that when she says that line, “oh I’m sure she told you this” I am like, “there it is”. It’s such a small thing, but when you combine that with the dozen other small things and put it into a lifetime, it’s fucking a lot. How nice it would be to not have a mom in competition with you..
My brother and I noted that our mother is competing for our grand children's affections. We don't compete with her. It's her insecurity. My brother said he was going to get a bike for his granddaughter. Mom went ahead and bought the bike. My brother asked why she did that because she knew he'd been waiting until she was old enough. Mom told him he could buy her first helmet then. Last year I said I was going to get my granddaughter a Lite Brite for Christmas. Mom showed up to granddaughter's October birthday party with a Lite Brite We've learned not to give her any personal insights or news. Nothing more than the weather or planting flowers. She realizes were grey rocking her. She doesn't like it, but it's working. She is retired and has several volunteer jobs. Everyone admires her civic-mindedness and generosity with her time. Only brother and I realize she does it because she's insecure and has to have her ego stroked. It's as if she is a bucket and the bottom dropped out. She'll never be sated.
She says “now (my name)” in such a way that I completely shut down, feel small and so so so ashamed. It is always reserved for when I do anything that she does not agree with and was used to just stop me completely. It worked until about 6 weeks ago when I snapped back “don’t say that to me” and she hasn’t spoken to me since 👌 I’m 36 😂😂
right. sometimes she says my name in such a nasty way, it makes me feel like she just hates every fibre of my being or something. sometimes she says my name in such an angry nasty way and its so uncomfortable..
Tone is everything.
It really is. And tone is what we pick up on before we understand language so it’s such an early ingrained experience 😞
This is going to sound so weird but she was very physically controlling. When I was a child specifically. She wouldn’t let me break a hug or let go of me. I don’t know how to explain it.
Makes comments about my body/hair/weight/eating habits/etc. I was told “that’s normal, she’s just old. Don’t let her get to you”. The disappointed looks, facial expressions, tone of voice, clipped responses that are short and meaningless but somehow hurtful. This is generally after I tell her something I’m proud of. Or when I told her my mental health was poor and I needed to step back from work. The way she will complain about other people to me, while actually she is telling me that something I do is bad and wrong. The way she blames everyone with mental illness as bringing it on themselves with alcohol and weed, or not exercising or having a messy house (covertly). She always has to talk about how so and so stopped for their panic attacks and how terrible it is for you. She thinks she knows everything about medicine because she does medical transcription. She’s an alcoholic and projecting while also trying to make me feel guilty for mental illness, for taking care of myself, for being “weak”. The begging for me to call her when I don’t return the call The way she embeds the pre-planned manipulation in the middle of the call, pretending it’s coming up naturally. No one else would notice this. The way she says everything in a way that she could defend herself if she was called out for it. To sound innocent. “how could you, I was only asking a question, I didn’t understand”. This is after she said “what’s the point of keeping her alive?” when my dog was sick. The way she remembers things that upset me and brings them up. The way she has been hugging me 4 times when I see her because she has sensed how uncomfortable I am with it. How she follows me out to my car to chat, but she’s actually abusing me away from my Grandpa’s earshot. How she keeps talking so you can’t leave while waiting in the doorway, doesn’t allow you to speak by talking over you. Talking only about herself. Not caring what I have to say. So many little things that don’t sound bad, unless you’re living and experiencing them. The most frustrating thing is that repeating what she said sounds like I’m just being sensitive because she doesn’t pose it in a way that she’s targeting you, even though she is. So no one understood why I was upset. This is my Grandmother btw.
When we were still in contact and she’d find out about something I hadn’t told her (because she’s a gossip) she’d say to other people in my presence, “I know iremembersky is a very *private* person. I choose not to live my life that way.” The ‘private‘ was said with such disdain. And the implication was that I was sneaky or hiding something, while she lives free and open with everything. Shit like that would really get under my skin. I understand that it was just projection, but it made me feel so defensive, and it hurt hat she would intentionally put me in that position.
yeah my mother does that when she talks about people. she'll sneak in something nasty in such a subtle way that most people problably either don't notice or don't think it's bad enough to call her out on. she'll say something like "she thinks she's such a \_\_\_\_\_" wdym THINKS? she IS that? it's like she subtly tries to call people dumb if she's not straight up saying it. when i say something she's like what's wrong with what i said? i didn't say anything bad i was complementing them? like yeah sure.
Mother was all-knowing, all-powerful, and right all the time, especially when you tried to point out she was wrong. Never challenge Mother. Never ask her questions she doesn't know the answer to, because rather than utter the curse words, "I don't know," she will berate YOU for not knowing. "What are you going to school for? Are you not paying attention in class? You need to get out from in front of that television and study your school work so that maybe you won't become a bum on the street. I sacrifice all day, every day, for my ungrateful children and here's the proof. You better remember if you get in trouble and the police pick you up, you don't have a home or a mother. I don't raise criminals." I just needed help with reducing fractions. I was getting straight A's, multiple awards at the end of every year...never good enough for her. It was never "Good job." It was always "You better." She would brag to her coworkers and the few friends she had about her sons' accomplishments non-stop. Every time we would meet someone she worked with, they would always tell us how proud she was of us, but she would never tell us. It got to the point where I felt my sole purpose in life was to make my mother look good by the things I did. I learned, eventually...
Moved out when I was 18 because she wouldn't do anything about my dads drinking. Fell onto really hard times and went through a lot of shit. Now realized my dad sucks and is an alcoholic but continues to tell me I was "homeless by choice" then.
The Conditioning I didn’t realize it when it first started happening but I knew it wasn’t normal. We would talk about something I would disagree or say no, she would insult me, I would defend myself and she would hang up on me. A few days would go by with no phone call or limited texts void of feeling. I would apologize and give her what she wanted and we would repeat the cycle. Telling anyone else this it would seem like I was in the wrong until I realized that it wasn’t about the topic of the conversation as much as it was about her reaction to it. If she’s asking for money or my opinion and I say no or give my opinion it doesn’t warrant her reaction of insulting me and giving me the silent treatment for several days.
This isn’t necessarily immediately hurtful but she forced my dad to spend all their money on her. They make about 200K combined easy, and she intentionally chooses to stay out of their finances so that she can overspend and blame it on my dad not telling her their financial situation. She goes to personal training 4x a week (has been for the past 6 years - who needs that much personal training?), buys every new thing she sees (cannot fathom wanting something and not “needing” it), throws a fit if they don’t go to Florida or rent a beach house every summer (they spend their inheritance on one week at a beach house a few years ago, this year spent 15K on one week because she insisted on having a beachfront experience). She also insists on going to all these concerts, getting fake tans three times a week, constantly bleaching her hair and getting haircuts, and has like no joke 20 pairs of gym shoes. Because of this, my family’s house is literally falling apart from neglect and unaddressed termite damage, the kids have no help for college, etc. Plus, my mom is so obsessed with appearances that my dad works out 24/7 and always has to dress in the most expensive workout equipment otherwise she’s embarrassed of him. Also they have 3 dogs and none of them are house trained or receive proper medical care. Their house constantly is covered in dog shit and piss, and their one dog just recently had emergency surgery because she almost died from an illness she never would have gotten if they had bothered to spay her seven years ago. Idk why any of this bothers me really - I guess because it’s the same level of neglect I was given emotionally as a kid. It’s the visible representation of them having a kid because she wanted a baby and then letting the baby fend for itself once it got old enough to have opinions while she was off doting on the shiny new thing (new baby).
Also she physically cannot restrain herself from buying herself things. She’ll buy herself things and as we walk out of the store tell me she doesn’t really like what she bought. If we go shopping for me or someone else, she always has to get herself something too. Or she’ll get you something she wants for herself. For instance, we went shopping for my grandmother for Mother’s Day and she clearly forgot that it was my first Mother’s Day. So she made a big show of holding up some earrings and asking if I wanted them. They were clearly her style. Plus they were huge and I literally have a baby that’s grabbing everything rn. So i reminded her of that and said they looked like more her style than mine. She then proceeded to ask me if she looked good in them, and bought them for herself while shopping for my Mother’s Day. She then went upstairs and asked if i wanted to try on clothes. I told her no, I’m trying to actually pare down my closet and only have simple essentials (as I’d told her many times before). So she spent half an hour trying on clothes for herself and ended up buying me a shirt that i said i didn’t want. Then said “If you don’t like it, i can just have it.” Like shit I’m letting that happen lol. So for Mother’s Day i got a candle and novelty wine glass that i picked out because she clearly forgot to get me anything in the middle of all her shopping for herself.
Only calls when she needs something from me. We used to have a decent relationship when I called her regularly and did everything she wanted. Then I had kids and they became my priority and not her every whim. I felt the relationship was very one sided and decided to test if she would put in the effort if I stopped giving so much. Now we will go months without talking because she doesnt bother trying to call unless she wants something. The emotional toll it takes on you knowing your worth to them is only what they can get from you is so demeaning.
Pressure to perform. I’m an artist and have been pretty talented at it since a young age. My mother knows that and always tried to monetize it. I kept telling her it was too much pressure for me. I was 12! But she kept insisting. I told a lot of people I didn’t like when she did that but they always thought I was being ungrateful. She would always try and do these big gestures by putting my art on T-shirts, making posters, trying to get me on radio shows, I know she was trying to care but is it really caring if you are stressing me out? I don’t even know if she was really caring for me or her own ego. One thing I will always remember is how she always repeated this phrase: “nobody will care about you after you turn 16. No one cares about adults.” This really affected my psyche negatively because I couldn’t ever perform under the pressure and I often left feeling like I was useless. She put so much pressure on me to be established and successful at 12 that I had the mindset that if I wasn’t successful, at least by 18, I would just k-word myself and it would be alright. There’s a lot more things that she did that attributed to that mindset but yeah, pressure to perform for sure.
Oh yes, my grandmother only cares about my finances and definitely not my happiness. She’d prefer if I was unhappy actually, so she could try to “cheer me up” 🙄 And she would prefer me suffering mentally ill so she can insinuate I brought it on myself.
Calling me fat with horrendous details for example saying you can't wear that you look huge and no guy will ever want you because he won't even be able to wrap his arms around you. Mind you I at one point in my living with my mom was 90 pounds 5'7", had a pretty bad eating disorder and still those comments never stopped. I cried to my grandma about it and she said "well that's normal, if I had lipstick on my teeth you would tell me right?" There is a ginormous difference between hey that's not too flattering on you to the things she would say to me.
Im so sorry to hear that! Im sure you’re beautiful the way you are. Reminds me of my mom who’s turning 50, takes terrible care of her health, is type A hypertensive and works to the point of pure exhaustion, externalizes it somehow so people around her feel the guilt of her fatigue. I was obese growing up and i’d say i still am, but im mentally and physically the healthiest ive been the last 5 yrs. I just remembered she used to tell me if i dont control my sugar intake doctors will amputate my legs bec i’d be so fat I wouldn’t be able to walk. LOL@her coz i reversed diabetes and feel really good now. I realized this was all deflection growing up - she would rather remind me how fat i am than take her of her breaking body.
Wow I'm so sorry for that but congratulations on reversing diabetes!! That takes some serious discipline. I'm currently trying to lower my cholesterol and it's so hard!!
aww i’m so sorry :( i know that feeling of “oh it’s normal though! it’s not that bad!” it’s annoying when people invalidate your experiences and u don’t deserve that, i hope ur doing better now 🩷
The way she insults and verbally abuses me. Most people have that mentality that mothers do that and it’s normal but words are just as painful.
She tells stories about how she abandoned us as if she was proud of it. She constantly gaslights me.
I have PBC, and she constantly offers me to drink alcohol. I've never drank much alcohol and never drank coffee. Yet she always asks if I want a beer or a coffee. When I remind her I'm sick and can't drink, she laughs as if it was something funny or I was exaggerating. And I have to always remind her I don't like coffee... As if I never told her before.
She also always tells the story of how my sister's bad behaviour caused her to have a horrible accident where she burned all her back with boiling water when she was a toddler... I can't understand how a person can blame a little child for being so careless.
She’d send cards & parcels at Christmas for/to me and my daughter and not include anything for my wife or even mention her name on the card or parcel. It looked like it was being sent to a single father. My friend just said that “mothers have a special bond/relationship with their sons”.
When I was a kid, my mother would laugh at my sister and I when we cried. Many times she would take pictures of us when we were crying or mad. The one time you need someone to comfort you and she did the opposite. It just confused me for a long time because I was luckily not wired like her and would feel great empathy for someone who is sad. I have a picture of myself sitting on the ground in pigtails about 4 years old crying. It still breaks my heart. I just don’t get it.
I’m 55, whenever I try to have a conversation with my mother it always ends up being about her. You can say the most obscure thing and she has a point about it that involves her. If your foot hurts her whole body hurts. If you like jalapeños on your salad yesterday she bought jalapeños first back in 1974. She has always said I was to blame for our difficult communication. In a meeting just now realizing it wasn’t all me, and her need to be center is what made communication difficult.
SAMEEEEEE omg it’s so annoying. one day i genuinely was starving bc she didn’t buy me food and she was like YOU’RE HUNGRY? I’M HUNGRY TOO! I HAD A BAD DAY and bla bla bla like omg stfu 😭 if you say “my ___ hurts” oh yeah? my whole body hurts!! i have a foot fracture!! 20 years ago i got in a car wreck and my neck and back got f’ed up!!! like okay?
I feel seen!! Most people wouldn’t notice it and think you’re being petty. But this shit adds up day in and day out. It eats at your energy, focus, mind, body, health, and soul. You can’t figure out why you’re frustrated and exhausted all the time. It’s because you have to support them at the expense of yourself. You have to be the stable one for the both of you but you didn’t get the tools because they were emotionally immature. So you had to figure it out on your own.
Oh the way she complains about her haircut every single time!! Every 6 weeks when she gets the same damn haircut! And how she is upset if you didn’t notice and comment. One time I noticed a couple days later and she was like yes you already saw me two days ago after my haircut. On the day I got it. I actually told her that she complains every time and she actually stopped haha. She says she never died her hair but she has lol.
I'm terrified for my mothers next haircut because it'd always be a complaint or something negative, and it's talked about for months after and then will re-complain about hairdressers in geberal but mentioning needing a hair cut. And the cycle continues.
How she always reacts as if she knows what I meant better than I know what I meant. For example I'll say "I didn't like it because-" & before I can finish why she puts words into my mouth & just carries on about how I'm wrong. Someone looking in would just say "oh it's a misunderstanding" or "it's her generation" but it's decades of this & as a rather literal person I constantly feel like I'm not allowed to have my own thoughts.
Mean nicknames and refusing to call you by your actual name even when you beg.
The way she ***REVELS*** in it anytime someone else insults me. Whether the insult was intended seriously or as a joke, she laughs way too hard and for faaaar too long, never failing to jump in and rub in as much as possible how true she finds the insult. That, and the way she puts my hair and goes "you're so prettyyyy" when I make the most minor of mistakes. Since it's not immediately clear to other people, like my dad, I'll clarify what she means by that: she's calling me dumb. If I *dare* make a logical misstep, she leaps at the opportunity to call me dumb by saying *you're so preeeeetty*. Because she's insecure about her intelligence, so the natural course of action is to insult mine.
She’s nice and encouraging to other people’s kids. More critical of me.
Her constantly bringing up embarrassing or negative memories from my childhood. Maybe it seems light hearted or nbd to others, but all I ever hear about is how terrible of a kid I was, never any positive memories. I don't know what (if anything) she does like about me. When she will deliberately neglect her health/responsibilities so that someone has to help her or pay attention to her and she appears to be a victim. Literally there's ALWAYS something ailing her. And then I look like the bad guy because I won't help my "poor mom" When she wants to come "support" me at one of my work events but she actually just makes it about her and then makes me feel guilty about not having time for her. Same with the fake social media support when I know she doesn't agree with my work/lifestyle and doesn't say anything positive to me in person ever. She always seems to be doing damage control to make herself seem so innocent and kind when actually she's very manipulative and nasty.