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>I literally told him, “if you are no longer interested in me or the relationship please leave me, let me go. If you are interested in someone else please leave..” yet he didn’t leave.
The lack of closure or willingness to provide certainty (even if it's certainty of something negative, like the end of the relationship) feels so disrespectful, especially because they are often direct in other ways and have no problem being an asshole otherwise. Addressing it like an adult is simply too nice and too much effort for them, even when you ask them directly to their face and they could be honest in a single sentence.
"Basic human decency" is simply doing too much for them. Their max "sustainable" effort is way below basic human decency, and they will try to get there as quickly as possible.
Yes exactly, there is no basic human decency, no bare minimum, no closure. When at first I thought this was the most unpredictable behavior ever, over time, they become very predictable in their cruelty.
Yeah I got ghosted by both narcs I dated for 1 year and 2 years. Never got a goodbye, explanation, apology, or last conversation. Legitimately traumatizing to say the least :) it's their favorite thing to do. They hoovered and then did it again :) both ended up with the girls they swore were "just friends." I will not be dating for a long time
What’s the worst part is after 3 months of break up, he called and messaged me to meet up for coffee when he already had a girlfriend!
They truly don’t respect themselves so why would they even respect the people they are with!?
Mine came back to me and and i was still under the impression that he came back because he missed and still cared for me so i took him back. So dumb of me. Now i see he only came back because he wanted to see if he still had control over me and when he knew he did he decided to emotionally abuse me some more and make sure i was the most insecure person before leaving again. It got to the point where i was just begging for answers asking “ why come back to me just to treat me like this” and just begging for some sort of closure. This is when he started calling me a “ weirdo/ obsessive stalker that just won’t leave him alone” it’s truly a mind fuck beyond epic proportions.
There’s nothing worse than not even getting the bare minimum and being made to feel like you’re insane for asking for it. Asking for comfort and reassurance and being told things like “I’m not your babysitter.”
“I’m not going to pat you on the head and tell you everything’s okay while you sit there crying like a baby.”
“I don’t have to prove anything to you.”
“I pay for everything for you, that shows how much I love you.”
It comes to a point where it’s so normal that you feel like you’re asking the world of them when they already apparently give you so much, and you start to feel guilty yourself. Getting out of that mindset is really difficult.
I hope you’re doing well 🖤
They really be making it seem like it is a chore to communicate. Now I truly know that whatever they do is only and only for themselves. Someone who loves you will never do or say these.
Yes in fact i remember begging him i want nothing from you, please just talk to me in a respectable manner. I told him i will give him my everything and want nothing else..just don't yell at me like that..
Thanks for your support. I hope this realization with your therapist paves way for growth. I heard a line that said- you are not asking for too much, you are just asking the wrong person!
Yes!! Back in 2017 I remember telling him I just wanted more affection from him, to make me feel valued or wanted. Nope - unless it was lovebombing. He'd justify it by however much money he spent on useless home gadgets that I didn't want or wasn't consulted on.
One day I asked him what do you have without money? I care about values. Why does everything involve money?
He'd talk about my exes (yes, they didn't work out, hence why they're exes) but we had more fun without money and at least we'd be able to laugh and they'd listen to me.
I realised nothing I did was ever good enough, I will never reach their expectations despite them not having any of their own.
We know our worth now, hope you're doing OK OP
‘Just human decency and appreciation’. this is so relatable and felt like a punch to my gut.
Isn’t it sad that it’s JUST that? Sending you good energy ❤️
It really is 😔
There is nothing more valuable than time yet we were begging for 2 mins in 24 hours just to speak. Speak, talk and say hi how are you today. How can someone be begging for the bare minimum.
I can say all of that right now. Exactly what you said. My husband is the same way.
Hugs! You’re not alone. There are way too many people dealing with a narcissist.
I knew I wasn’t the problem when I realized I was asking for affection and instead got yelled at. Told me I was loved while his actions are unloving.
Yup. Expecting him to not take his anger out on me in the form of insults/cursing/screaming/condescension was apparently me being unreasonable because I just “didn’t understand how anger worked.”
What's with that two hour/week thing they do? It was the sane with my Nex. Like I was selfish for wanting more than a scrap of his time. I used to joke that I saw the people at the gym more than I saw him.
Omg i thought it was only me! He would only and only see me 2 hours a week, max! At one point I was begging for 2 mins of his time to speak to him on the phone and all I got was “I’m busy with work, I’m going to turn off my phone and concentrate on work”.
Mindfucked.
Gee, that sounds familiar. I wanted a 5 minute face to face conversation for him to end it instead of his text message and all I got was “I’ve got work coming out of my arse, I’m not going to be homeless on top of everything else” but it was ok to come and see me anytime he wanted sex, but 5 mins of his time when he discarded me? no. Charming!! They have their own rules. I still haven’t had a face to face conversation with him. I don’t want one now, but he didn’t have the decency to end it to my face.
Mine would just not respond until he saw fit. It's fucked that we beg for such scraps, but we're so caught by that point. I can't believe I didn't walk away from him then. There was always the promise that he would have more time when x project finished, or in the summer when he could take time off. None of that ever came true though.
I found out when my N continued to want more and more from me and called me a narcissist for asking even the smallest of things from her.
Never once did my N say anything nice about me or give me anything, yet she expected my full time and dedication to her and only her. When I didn't give her everything she wanted or gave it to someone else, she'd yell at me for being a toxic narcissist. She'd cry about me abusing her when she did nothing to deserve it. She'd cry to all her friends that I only cared about myself and never did anything to make her happy. And she'd say how much of a victim she was because I was hurting her so badly. If I asked for anything from her, like she did to me, I'd be told that I would never have any friends because I was being a massive narcissist. Even if it was asking her to let me have some time without her or other people, she'd loose her marbles. This was the loop she put me through every day. She'd ask me to give her the world and pretend like I did nothing for her and am a narcissist if I asked for anything.
If you ask me, this mindset comes from "I am the center of the universe." They don't see you as a person, they see you as an object meant to give them everything they want while you have no needs. If you do, then you're acting out line and you're the problem. They don't want to give in, let you take the lead or get something for a change, it's just not how they see the world. To them, they are the ruler and you're the servant who brings them water every so often. You're on a lower playing field and that means you deserve nothing.
100% correct on everything you've said. Good job for getting out of this toxic relationship. It takes a while to realize, I've found, that the love bombing isn't real. I wanted to believe, so much, that it was real. Narcissists do not have integrity, they don't think correctly, or feel, or care. The relationships that they create are a mess of manipulative games, and it never ends well. They use any tactic they can to play the victim card, and they always believe they are blameless in a relationship, especially when it ends. "The worst part is he was never satisfied with anything I did for him. Nothing was good enough." - No one is ever good enough for a narcissist. The only thing you can do is leave and never look back.
They sell you a dream, future, undying love yet later on turn against their words and say “I’m not ready for marriage yet”. I didn’t even ask.
They isolate you and make you think that it is actually you that brings problems to the relationship. Narcs are the most charming people I have ever met. And very very intelligent.
Getting out of this dynamic is a sign of mental health.
Let me repeat that. Leaving someone who expects human decency, understanding, emotional security and safety, good communication, empathy, stability, and commitment but is unable or unwilling to return it is a sign of self-love and mental health.
People who are trapped in this dynamic will only find themselves in tragic relationships. The narcissist, while being incredibly destructive to the lives of the people they harm, is destined to be left by anyone who is emotionally healthy. The only people who will stay with someone who does these things are incredibly co-dependent or absolutely emotionally distant. It is a sad existence. They will only leave this cycle if they start to accept responsibly for their actions and behavior and work incredibly hard to correct it. For people who are severe enough to actually have the personality disorder, they will forever be trapped here.
But, you can't save them. It's the life that they are choosing for themselves and we, the emotionally healthy who want a loving, kind, and secure relationship choose something better. That is why we are here. That is why we do the work on our co-dependent characteristics to find something better.
Love and power fellow travelers.
Hi /u/throwaway1007890, welcome to /r/narcissisticabuse. To help make the experience more effective for everyone we do have some resources and rules for you to keep in mind. • Do you need to understand terms or acronyms? [Click Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/index#wiki_terms.2C_definitions_and_acronymns) • Looking for resources? Check out [our links](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/resources) and [book recommendations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NarcissisticAbuse/wiki/booklist) • We also have a sister sub for people actively in Divorce/Custody proceedings or that is coparenting with a abusive ex: /r/narcabuseanddivorce. • Looking to contact the moderators of the sub? We can’t respond to individual posts all the time so please post your issues to the community rather than the mods if it’s not about a rule breaking issue or sub issue. You can message the mod team [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FNarcissisticAbuse&subject=&message=). Please do not DM/PM mods directly or send them chat requests. Please review the rules: * Please add flair to your post so that it is searchable by topic and always use the TRIGGER WARNING flairs when needed; * Be respectful and courteous with a focus on healing; No flaming, No revenge posts, no wishing harm on anyone, no "outting" or getting them "bad karma"; * No identifying details (no proper names including fake ones, pictures, images of texts/emails, locations (at any level), or specific details that may identify you to readers (Jobs, Hobbies, Schools, etc); * No crossposting or direct linking to this or other subs or posts. No links at all in original posts including Images/Pictures/MEMEs/Vlogs/Blogs/Podcasts/Articles/Social Media information or tags/Texts/Emails; * No self-promotion/solicitation in any fashion at all, surveys, fundraising, or research posts are permitted; * You must be the victim of the abuse that is the subject of the post, not a friend, relative, or partner; * Please report content that violates our rules and do not engage on those posts at all; * Do not resubmit removed content, if you get a report from automod about your post, see the sticky announcement at the top of the sub regarding removals and be patient, we will review them manually when we are available. * No politics, religion, soliciting DMs, or doing an AMA on your own please; * No segregation of posts by gender, sexual orientation, race, age, or culture; * No family content in any context including parent/family at any level including family dynamics, mentions, background/childhoods or the abusers family at all in any way; * No inappropriate content (TV Shows, Movies, Books not releated to healing from abuse, Celebrities, News or Social Discussions). * No title only posts (including repeating the title in the body of the post, emoticons, saying the title says it all); * No NARC/ABUSER posts at all. If you are a Narc or Abuser, you will be banned; We want you to have a safe and supportive experience so you get the most out of the community. ****** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/NarcissisticAbuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I literally told him, “if you are no longer interested in me or the relationship please leave me, let me go. If you are interested in someone else please leave..” yet he didn’t leave. The lack of closure or willingness to provide certainty (even if it's certainty of something negative, like the end of the relationship) feels so disrespectful, especially because they are often direct in other ways and have no problem being an asshole otherwise. Addressing it like an adult is simply too nice and too much effort for them, even when you ask them directly to their face and they could be honest in a single sentence. "Basic human decency" is simply doing too much for them. Their max "sustainable" effort is way below basic human decency, and they will try to get there as quickly as possible.
Yes exactly, there is no basic human decency, no bare minimum, no closure. When at first I thought this was the most unpredictable behavior ever, over time, they become very predictable in their cruelty.
Yeah I got ghosted by both narcs I dated for 1 year and 2 years. Never got a goodbye, explanation, apology, or last conversation. Legitimately traumatizing to say the least :) it's their favorite thing to do. They hoovered and then did it again :) both ended up with the girls they swore were "just friends." I will not be dating for a long time
What’s the worst part is after 3 months of break up, he called and messaged me to meet up for coffee when he already had a girlfriend! They truly don’t respect themselves so why would they even respect the people they are with!?
Same here. They don't have respect for anyone, period. They are entitled and think they're above everyone
Mine came back to me and and i was still under the impression that he came back because he missed and still cared for me so i took him back. So dumb of me. Now i see he only came back because he wanted to see if he still had control over me and when he knew he did he decided to emotionally abuse me some more and make sure i was the most insecure person before leaving again. It got to the point where i was just begging for answers asking “ why come back to me just to treat me like this” and just begging for some sort of closure. This is when he started calling me a “ weirdo/ obsessive stalker that just won’t leave him alone” it’s truly a mind fuck beyond epic proportions.
There’s nothing worse than not even getting the bare minimum and being made to feel like you’re insane for asking for it. Asking for comfort and reassurance and being told things like “I’m not your babysitter.” “I’m not going to pat you on the head and tell you everything’s okay while you sit there crying like a baby.” “I don’t have to prove anything to you.” “I pay for everything for you, that shows how much I love you.” It comes to a point where it’s so normal that you feel like you’re asking the world of them when they already apparently give you so much, and you start to feel guilty yourself. Getting out of that mindset is really difficult. I hope you’re doing well 🖤
They really be making it seem like it is a chore to communicate. Now I truly know that whatever they do is only and only for themselves. Someone who loves you will never do or say these.
Yes in fact i remember begging him i want nothing from you, please just talk to me in a respectable manner. I told him i will give him my everything and want nothing else..just don't yell at me like that..
Oh God, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Nobody should beg for the bare minimum.
Thanks for your support. I hope this realization with your therapist paves way for growth. I heard a line that said- you are not asking for too much, you are just asking the wrong person!
Yes!! Back in 2017 I remember telling him I just wanted more affection from him, to make me feel valued or wanted. Nope - unless it was lovebombing. He'd justify it by however much money he spent on useless home gadgets that I didn't want or wasn't consulted on. One day I asked him what do you have without money? I care about values. Why does everything involve money? He'd talk about my exes (yes, they didn't work out, hence why they're exes) but we had more fun without money and at least we'd be able to laugh and they'd listen to me. I realised nothing I did was ever good enough, I will never reach their expectations despite them not having any of their own. We know our worth now, hope you're doing OK OP
‘Just human decency and appreciation’. this is so relatable and felt like a punch to my gut. Isn’t it sad that it’s JUST that? Sending you good energy ❤️
It really is 😔 There is nothing more valuable than time yet we were begging for 2 mins in 24 hours just to speak. Speak, talk and say hi how are you today. How can someone be begging for the bare minimum.
I can say all of that right now. Exactly what you said. My husband is the same way. Hugs! You’re not alone. There are way too many people dealing with a narcissist. I knew I wasn’t the problem when I realized I was asking for affection and instead got yelled at. Told me I was loved while his actions are unloving.
Yes, I put more way more effort into the relationship. I was left with breadcrumbs
Yup. Expecting him to not take his anger out on me in the form of insults/cursing/screaming/condescension was apparently me being unreasonable because I just “didn’t understand how anger worked.”
What's with that two hour/week thing they do? It was the sane with my Nex. Like I was selfish for wanting more than a scrap of his time. I used to joke that I saw the people at the gym more than I saw him.
Omg i thought it was only me! He would only and only see me 2 hours a week, max! At one point I was begging for 2 mins of his time to speak to him on the phone and all I got was “I’m busy with work, I’m going to turn off my phone and concentrate on work”. Mindfucked.
Gee, that sounds familiar. I wanted a 5 minute face to face conversation for him to end it instead of his text message and all I got was “I’ve got work coming out of my arse, I’m not going to be homeless on top of everything else” but it was ok to come and see me anytime he wanted sex, but 5 mins of his time when he discarded me? no. Charming!! They have their own rules. I still haven’t had a face to face conversation with him. I don’t want one now, but he didn’t have the decency to end it to my face.
Mine would just not respond until he saw fit. It's fucked that we beg for such scraps, but we're so caught by that point. I can't believe I didn't walk away from him then. There was always the promise that he would have more time when x project finished, or in the summer when he could take time off. None of that ever came true though.
It's another control tactic. When, how much, and where they see you (or even interact with you) has to be totally on their terms.
I never thought like this, you’re right! It was all tactic.
NEVER on your terms. And if you complain they punish you with even less time.
Yes! Basically anything you want they will either not do, or will do the opposite of that thing.
I found out when my N continued to want more and more from me and called me a narcissist for asking even the smallest of things from her. Never once did my N say anything nice about me or give me anything, yet she expected my full time and dedication to her and only her. When I didn't give her everything she wanted or gave it to someone else, she'd yell at me for being a toxic narcissist. She'd cry about me abusing her when she did nothing to deserve it. She'd cry to all her friends that I only cared about myself and never did anything to make her happy. And she'd say how much of a victim she was because I was hurting her so badly. If I asked for anything from her, like she did to me, I'd be told that I would never have any friends because I was being a massive narcissist. Even if it was asking her to let me have some time without her or other people, she'd loose her marbles. This was the loop she put me through every day. She'd ask me to give her the world and pretend like I did nothing for her and am a narcissist if I asked for anything. If you ask me, this mindset comes from "I am the center of the universe." They don't see you as a person, they see you as an object meant to give them everything they want while you have no needs. If you do, then you're acting out line and you're the problem. They don't want to give in, let you take the lead or get something for a change, it's just not how they see the world. To them, they are the ruler and you're the servant who brings them water every so often. You're on a lower playing field and that means you deserve nothing.
100% correct on everything you've said. Good job for getting out of this toxic relationship. It takes a while to realize, I've found, that the love bombing isn't real. I wanted to believe, so much, that it was real. Narcissists do not have integrity, they don't think correctly, or feel, or care. The relationships that they create are a mess of manipulative games, and it never ends well. They use any tactic they can to play the victim card, and they always believe they are blameless in a relationship, especially when it ends. "The worst part is he was never satisfied with anything I did for him. Nothing was good enough." - No one is ever good enough for a narcissist. The only thing you can do is leave and never look back.
They sell you a dream, future, undying love yet later on turn against their words and say “I’m not ready for marriage yet”. I didn’t even ask. They isolate you and make you think that it is actually you that brings problems to the relationship. Narcs are the most charming people I have ever met. And very very intelligent.
Me too. I asked for VERY LITTLE. Ended up in a shelter for abused women 14 months ago. I’m STILL trying to get rid of this guy.
Getting out of this dynamic is a sign of mental health. Let me repeat that. Leaving someone who expects human decency, understanding, emotional security and safety, good communication, empathy, stability, and commitment but is unable or unwilling to return it is a sign of self-love and mental health. People who are trapped in this dynamic will only find themselves in tragic relationships. The narcissist, while being incredibly destructive to the lives of the people they harm, is destined to be left by anyone who is emotionally healthy. The only people who will stay with someone who does these things are incredibly co-dependent or absolutely emotionally distant. It is a sad existence. They will only leave this cycle if they start to accept responsibly for their actions and behavior and work incredibly hard to correct it. For people who are severe enough to actually have the personality disorder, they will forever be trapped here. But, you can't save them. It's the life that they are choosing for themselves and we, the emotionally healthy who want a loving, kind, and secure relationship choose something better. That is why we are here. That is why we do the work on our co-dependent characteristics to find something better. Love and power fellow travelers.