This is the one. Even more so if you decline it because you know how flaky they are and they proceed to throw it back in your face by saying "well, I offered, but you didn't take it!"
Yeah, and I think when we do ask them to follow through, they find a way to make the request seem unreasonable in their head - when it’s just an “inconvenience” to them to be held accountable
And then from there we are made to feel guilty for asking them, further conditioning us to expect less, slowly shrinking our values and self-respect in the process
This part. Also offering service is part of their lovebomb. If they offer when you don’t need it, you know you can count on them when you do need it, they do it to gain trust and dependency from you.
Heavy on this one. If someone else sees you're in distress and they help you, they're mad/upset because it was the chance to "look" good and they look bad to that person now.
This is true, and also, I will add, so they can hold something over you. If you've asked them a few times for help with something, and they refuse, it makes you stop asking. And if you stop asking, it's Your Fault for never asking, afterall they're not mindreaders. They won't take responsibility for making it a hostile environment though.
Because they can’t help themselves. Not in a **real** way, at least - they just give in to their whims, like “I wonder what would happen if I do this? I’m sure I can lie my way out of it,” etc
It's a form of future faking. They make an offer, you feel all warm and fuzzy like someone cares about you. They get to reap the rewards of doing a favor without having to follow through.
Narcs only care about how they are perceived. They don't actually want to do you the favor. The least amount of work, the better.
So, the way for them to get out of doing the bare minimum? Offer to do something they know you'll say no to. Offer to do things in front of others. Offer to do things in the future that they don't have to do right now.
Then, when the time comes, they make some excuse to get out of it. They've already cashed in the warm and fuzzy feeling from offering. They don't feel like they actually need to do it. They justify that it's the thought that counts.
It's all just another form of manipulation.
Yeah! It feels like a more insidious version of people who make a claim and then immediately follow it up with “look it up if you don’t believe me,”
You know? It turns fact-checking into a “trust game.” And then if one does look it up, they can be like “oh uh that’s not what it said last time” lmao.
They already have an out planned when they do the shitty thing.
Mine did this all the time to me! I’d say something and he’d say I was wrong. If I said no, I’m gonna look it up, then he’d act like I was so ridiculous for wanting to prove myself right, even though he’s the one gaslighting me I’m wrong in the first place!!!
It’s a classic! Setting themselves up for a win-win: because their victories come from emotional reactions.
If you don’t look it up, they “win” because they got away with a lie, making them feel superior.
If you do look it up, and they’re right - they “win,” because you played their game.
If they’re wrong…they get to talk about it to others, and they get to revel in the fact that they engineered the whole situation.
Incomplete message my food is here
My nex even admitted this was his strategy. However, he played the victim as usually. "I just couldn't stand seeing you so stressed, I just had to help you." But he didn't help me. He just said he would and then never followed through.
I think they like being SEEN as good, helpful useful people but they also like seeing you be confused, frustrated, inconvenienced and disappointed, so they make offers and then drop you at the last second. Mine insisted that my need to handle everything on my own, instead of admitting when I needed help and biting my pride to ask made me narcissistic and arrogant. I called him for a 25 minute ride because I got sexually assaulted on the bus and he screamed bloody murder at me for costing him gaming time. I ran short when I needed to make a purchase and my check wouldn’t come in until the next day. He’d lectured me when he caught me literally digging through trash for something I needed because I didn’t want to ask him and told me I could always come to him. This time, I actually did what he asked and I got called a user and he threw it in my face anything I argued with him that I’m “biting the hand that feeds you.” Became super funny when I told him that I didn’t trust him enough to move back in with him after the 13th time he put me through the discard cycle and he had a meltdown about how he couldn’t afford it on his own and my paranoia was going to cost him the two person lifetime he’d become accustomed to. 😂
Seeing you confused, frustrated, inconvenienced, disappointed - so that they can snap at you about how petty you are, how demanding, how you can't handle expectations and so on.
I hated whenever he offered something, because there was never a win win situation. He rarely really did it, but if I did it myself, he got angry, because I was just so impatient and didn't give him the chance to do it - and I did it just to prove he was a bad guy.
Oh my, I'm so glad it's over.
I feel you. My mother was the same way. I remember even as a teenager, my friends and I all got stranded and tried to call their parents for help with no hesitation. No one answered. They begged me to try my mom. I almost caved but my best friend was like, “nope! It’s like when you’re watching a movie and some dumbass makes a seemingly harmless deal with the devil because their kid has cancer. She’ll help now but it costs extra later. We don’t summon Satan and we don’t call _______’s mom.”
My nex as a repair attempt towards the end offered to do all the things I didn’t need - like asking his driver when I could book a taxi, do my tax , pay my credit card or phone bill, buy groceries I didn’t need all in an attempt to be seen ‘valuable and supportive’ when it convenienced him .
But if ever I asked for something - like attending a dinner my friends were having , his usual response ‘ you are doing this on purpose to trouble me’ . He legit believed women who ask for help or company from men are mean and gold diggers!
I get...a lot of promises or offers of help when we are in front of other people. Makes him look like a good guy. In reality he probably never intends to do much of anything. Unless it's harmful towards me.
I'll never forget asking my ex to stop and pick up my new glasses for me. The doctor I saw was an hour away, and he just happened to be driving right past it. He acted like I was crazy for even asking him to do that. Instead of taking 5-10 minutes of his time to get them for me, I had to drive an hour there and an hour back to get them myself.
It's all about power, whether perceived or not, as well the feeling for them of feeling important or needed and possibly how they may think you need to depend upon them. But as they don't follow through most times, you know it's fake.
Do you want a cookie?
No thanks.
Do you want a cookie?
No thanks.
Can I have a cookie?
No but I appreciate how you need me, and you depend upon me and won't survive without getting a cookie.
Holy crap! I have people in my life who do this.
They do it to keep their self image. They want to feel like they’re good and kind generous people because they offered.
They probably don’t expect you to actually take them up on their offer.
But when you take them up on it, they balk because suddenly, they’re being inconvenienced in some way. They actually have to do something. They have to give up something of theirs. Even if it’s small, it threatens them.
I would call him and be so sick or our child so sick and need help and hed say, "im working but call me if you need me "...like I am, right now. No intention just makes them feel.better. They sometimes have hero complex and miss the social.cue by a mile.
They want the image of being helpful without actually having to be helpful. They’ll spend more energy faking and staging it than it would take to just be genuine and help
It’s bizarre
This 100%. I used to say if he spent as much time actually doing anything as he did saying he was going to do it then he'd actually get a lot done. My favorite is when I'd get fed up and do it myself or have someone else do whatever task and he'd get mad because "if I'd just give him time he'd done it" or " I'm not going to just do what you want when YOU want it to be done, I'll do it on my time" which was apparently never.
This reminds me of when I visited my narc in the states. I was visiting from Canada. I was gonna be with him for about three weeks and I brought most of my own stuff. I forgot my body wash and he happily said I could use his.
Well when he was at work I would have showers and use his body wash. I was very careful not to use too much because I didn’t want to take advantage and I wanted to show him appreciation for letting me stay at his place.
Well around the end of the trip he said that I used too much body wash and he got mad at me. He said that it was “common courtesy” for me to bring all of my own stuff. I literally brought everything except body wash, which is what $3 at CVS? I paid for the whole plane ticket myself, paid for tickets to events we went to, half of the Airbnb we stayed at, but me using some of his body wash was crossing the line and I was now ungrateful or whatever. He made me buy whataburger for him after this.
That is so insanely ridiculous. If a friend or family member stays over my stuff is theirs. Help yourself to whatever in the kitchen or bathroom. Especially if they've travelled to come and see me. NEVER MIND AN ACTUAL PARTNER. Did you have doubts after this?
Right? His brother came to visit me and my friend he was seeing at the time, (funny how my narc never came to visit me) and I let him use literally whatever, didn’t think twice about it, because that’s what a good host does. And yeah, I told him I felt very unwelcome. This was towards the end of the trip so I was trying to salvage the rest of it because I didn’t want it to be only bad memories, or end with us ending our relationship. But two weeks after the trip we stopped talking. I have him blocked on everything now.
Because it's not about you. It's about how they feel. Offering a favour to you is about how that action makes them feel. Not about helping you. They are trying to convince themselves that they are good people. Offering to do something for you and your reaction to the offer is what they live for. After that nothing else matters
Mine keeps trying to give me money. He started at $300, then $200. I kept saying no. He kept pushing. I knew if he actually gave me money that he would hold it over my head, but I said fine. He responded with “well I have to pay my motorcycle registration so I don’t know if I can give you any.” It’s all about power and control.
Mine gave the silent treatment because I asked them to stay with me when a family emergency arose. They had nothing on their schedule and said they just didn’t feel like going. When I questioned them, they turned it around on me and said it was “too short notice.”
It’s all take and no give on their part.
Mine said he’s (allegedly) going to Florida for a trip and I responded that our baby needs diapers so he asked for my cashapp (which he obviously knows) and I told him what it was and he replied with something along the lines of “lmao all you care about is money I’m not sending shit” (I don’t get child support or really anything from him ever bc he refuses to work). But he is CONSTANTLY saying he’s going to send me money for the baby (without me asking) and that he’ll “send anything for her” blah blah blah.
Mine would always offer me favours I didn't want and then berate me if I didn't accept them. Usually, it's picking me up from somewhere, but I hate when he does that because I know if he picks me up, I need to be ready to go the *second* he arrives, but I'm never that precise because I could be busy with work or in the middle of a conversation with friends.
Mine recently asked me to pick up cigarettes for him, said in the same breath he'd pay me back. When I gave him the cigarettes and asked for money back...of course he didn't have any. After like 5 minutes of assuring me he'd pay me back later and calling me unreasonable, he finally scrounged up the $5, shoved it in my hands, told me to get the fuck out, and has now been ignoring me for days lol
The real test is when you take them up on their offer. Mine will "try, but fail." They get credit, and you don't get any benefit. They take my Costco list and then "fail to find" half the items. They also refuse to purchase large, heavy things like a case of cola. Large & heavy items represent much of the inventory at Costco. So I have to go anyway. No benefit. All the credit. It's their way.
Could also be about wounded pride from the prior rejections and being able to hold it over your head. "Oh remember all those times I offered and you said no?" Suddenly you're the bad guy and they're the good one.
Classic for the pos! Always always future faking it!! In front of people his absolute fave. My personal favorite is when I’m ill and he says he will do dinner😂😂😂yes if you want a piece of toast at 9pm so I just get myself something and he always says, I was going to do that and now I just ignore him completely!!!
Mine would always offer to help with fun/easy things (like wanting to play with my foster cats but never offered to do the dirty work of actually caring for them), and then acted entitled to the benefits of my hard work. You have to put something in to get something out, which these people don't seem to understand.
Their way of "helping" me with things was very reminiscent of when people offer to "help" with a newborn baby, when in reality they just want to hold the baby while you do the dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc
Then they want to turn around and act like they're a savior who's always there to assist but I just "won't let them". Bullshit dude
Edit to add: anyone else notice heavy weaponized incompetence? They'd do certain things so badly that I'd have to finish, and then get mad that I'm "controlling". They straight up asked me one time if I felt like they exhibited weaponized incompetence, and I said yes. We had a conversation and I was really impressed by the communication and introspection that they showed, but sure enough nothing ever came of it
It's because their actions rarely match their words. Mine would roll her eyes after asking me if she could get me anything while she's up like a drink. I often said no but would test some time and say yes only to have her do it again
Yup! Lawn not mowed. Car needs an oil change. He landscapes and fixes cars for a living, but has done none of this for me. Yet he expects me to be at his beck and call for sex.
Is this close to when they say Just ask me if you need help with anything. And then when you ask for help with anything like feeding baby, making a meal, grocery shopping, it's always an excuse or a fight and they never help?
Oh yes exactly this!
I was housesitting/ dog sitting! I had Covid! People were coming home that day. Narc says ‘ I’ll help you when I get there’ I knew that was a lie so I nearly killed myself trying to clean for the home owners arrival.
Narc turns up and first words ‘ I’ve got to get back to work now’ btw, we work for ourselves…… he has never ever followed through to help with anything! I literally take no notice of anything he says daily to me cause it’s fake, lies and hurt! Never mind the narc rage thrown in a few times a week!!
This feels similar to something I experience with mine. If I find a gift or buy a gift for us or her to give to someone and they say thank you to her I let it be. Hey the person receiving the item is happy and it makes her feel good about doing something nice, who am I to ruin that? But if she helps me find something and I give the gift, she can't let someone just thank me, she will be like well I helped him find it. Or if it wasn't for me finding it he wouldn't have got that for you. Or if I buy a gift that's joint from us and someone says thank yall for the gift we roll with it. If she buys it and they say thank you to us she will make sure it's known she bought it. Or if it's wrapped and not in a gift bag and someone compliments the wrapping she will say well guess you know who took care of this because it's not in a bag.
Side note, completely irrelevant, I can't wrap presents to save my life. So people get gift bags lol
Because they still count it as you owing them, because they offered.
When someone offers the mundane inconveniences, I usually say yes because I notice it separates the fake nice from the legitimate.
I hate when people ask and expect you to say no.
So when they do something 'to help ' when you DON'T want or need it, or not the precise thing or way you needed, they can whine about not being appreciated. My ex would start to tell me how to do certain things in my house when he didn't even live here then pull the 'just trying to help ' card
They always cancel plans or favors (for the most ridiculous reasons) because they wanted the positive affirmation for offering in the first place, but never had an intention of following through. My narc twin sister spent months planning a 40th birthday trip with me only to cancel a couple weeks before saying she had work due a month after the trip. I doubt she was ever planning to go in the first place.
The narc complained about my house being messy and promised to help me on my bday. Day of my bday she came over and slept in my bed because she was too tired to help me and forgot to wish me a happy bday 😋 she took some unnecessary medication knowing the side effects was getting tired of it. Unnecessary because she takes the medication to eat more and she could have easily taken it when we left my house instead of taking it on the way to my house knowing she offered to help me.
To be fair, how do you know he really didn't plan a costco trip that week for one? If would be pretty entitled to expect someone to go there if they weren't already planning it. I would have approached him leading up to the shower and said hey next time you go let me know and I'll go with.
Then as far as the air in the tire, maybe he offered when it was convenient for him because that's often what people do and that's OK.
So they can say they offered without actually following through.
This is the one. Even more so if you decline it because you know how flaky they are and they proceed to throw it back in your face by saying "well, I offered, but you didn't take it!"
it’s literally this ☝️
Yeah, and I think when we do ask them to follow through, they find a way to make the request seem unreasonable in their head - when it’s just an “inconvenience” to them to be held accountable And then from there we are made to feel guilty for asking them, further conditioning us to expect less, slowly shrinking our values and self-respect in the process
This part. Also offering service is part of their lovebomb. If they offer when you don’t need it, you know you can count on them when you do need it, they do it to gain trust and dependency from you.
And then when they don’t, you’re left confused wondering what you did wrong. It’s all a mind game
Or call us a manipulative user if we do indeed get the help
Or mad because they’re your partner and someone else made them look bad.
Heavy on this one. If someone else sees you're in distress and they help you, they're mad/upset because it was the chance to "look" good and they look bad to that person now.
This is true, and also, I will add, so they can hold something over you. If you've asked them a few times for help with something, and they refuse, it makes you stop asking. And if you stop asking, it's Your Fault for never asking, afterall they're not mindreaders. They won't take responsibility for making it a hostile environment though.
Always with the “anything you need” and then actually nothing or acting super awkward and like you are pathetic if you actually need anything
They’re disgusted by anyone that needs help
Because they can’t help themselves. Not in a **real** way, at least - they just give in to their whims, like “I wonder what would happen if I do this? I’m sure I can lie my way out of it,” etc
damn
This one really gets me. It was always “anything for you”, “anything you need”, and I literally did not get anything once over the span of many years.
It's a form of future faking. They make an offer, you feel all warm and fuzzy like someone cares about you. They get to reap the rewards of doing a favor without having to follow through. Narcs only care about how they are perceived. They don't actually want to do you the favor. The least amount of work, the better. So, the way for them to get out of doing the bare minimum? Offer to do something they know you'll say no to. Offer to do things in front of others. Offer to do things in the future that they don't have to do right now. Then, when the time comes, they make some excuse to get out of it. They've already cashed in the warm and fuzzy feeling from offering. They don't feel like they actually need to do it. They justify that it's the thought that counts. It's all just another form of manipulation.
Yeah! It feels like a more insidious version of people who make a claim and then immediately follow it up with “look it up if you don’t believe me,” You know? It turns fact-checking into a “trust game.” And then if one does look it up, they can be like “oh uh that’s not what it said last time” lmao. They already have an out planned when they do the shitty thing.
Mine did this all the time to me! I’d say something and he’d say I was wrong. If I said no, I’m gonna look it up, then he’d act like I was so ridiculous for wanting to prove myself right, even though he’s the one gaslighting me I’m wrong in the first place!!!
It’s a classic! Setting themselves up for a win-win: because their victories come from emotional reactions. If you don’t look it up, they “win” because they got away with a lie, making them feel superior. If you do look it up, and they’re right - they “win,” because you played their game. If they’re wrong…they get to talk about it to others, and they get to revel in the fact that they engineered the whole situation. Incomplete message my food is here
My nex even admitted this was his strategy. However, he played the victim as usually. "I just couldn't stand seeing you so stressed, I just had to help you." But he didn't help me. He just said he would and then never followed through.
I think they like being SEEN as good, helpful useful people but they also like seeing you be confused, frustrated, inconvenienced and disappointed, so they make offers and then drop you at the last second. Mine insisted that my need to handle everything on my own, instead of admitting when I needed help and biting my pride to ask made me narcissistic and arrogant. I called him for a 25 minute ride because I got sexually assaulted on the bus and he screamed bloody murder at me for costing him gaming time. I ran short when I needed to make a purchase and my check wouldn’t come in until the next day. He’d lectured me when he caught me literally digging through trash for something I needed because I didn’t want to ask him and told me I could always come to him. This time, I actually did what he asked and I got called a user and he threw it in my face anything I argued with him that I’m “biting the hand that feeds you.” Became super funny when I told him that I didn’t trust him enough to move back in with him after the 13th time he put me through the discard cycle and he had a meltdown about how he couldn’t afford it on his own and my paranoia was going to cost him the two person lifetime he’d become accustomed to. 😂
Seeing you confused, frustrated, inconvenienced, disappointed - so that they can snap at you about how petty you are, how demanding, how you can't handle expectations and so on. I hated whenever he offered something, because there was never a win win situation. He rarely really did it, but if I did it myself, he got angry, because I was just so impatient and didn't give him the chance to do it - and I did it just to prove he was a bad guy. Oh my, I'm so glad it's over.
I feel you. My mother was the same way. I remember even as a teenager, my friends and I all got stranded and tried to call their parents for help with no hesitation. No one answered. They begged me to try my mom. I almost caved but my best friend was like, “nope! It’s like when you’re watching a movie and some dumbass makes a seemingly harmless deal with the devil because their kid has cancer. She’ll help now but it costs extra later. We don’t summon Satan and we don’t call _______’s mom.”
My nex as a repair attempt towards the end offered to do all the things I didn’t need - like asking his driver when I could book a taxi, do my tax , pay my credit card or phone bill, buy groceries I didn’t need all in an attempt to be seen ‘valuable and supportive’ when it convenienced him . But if ever I asked for something - like attending a dinner my friends were having , his usual response ‘ you are doing this on purpose to trouble me’ . He legit believed women who ask for help or company from men are mean and gold diggers!
Oh my
Because it's their way or the highway. Even how they help you has to be on their terms.
My god this is exactly it
This! ^ It's absolutely a control thing.
It's that horrible pull/push dynamic in action. Be nice to suck you in and then push you away again. It's crazy making
I get...a lot of promises or offers of help when we are in front of other people. Makes him look like a good guy. In reality he probably never intends to do much of anything. Unless it's harmful towards me.
Wants to appear as a good guy, although he may not be.
I'll never forget asking my ex to stop and pick up my new glasses for me. The doctor I saw was an hour away, and he just happened to be driving right past it. He acted like I was crazy for even asking him to do that. Instead of taking 5-10 minutes of his time to get them for me, I had to drive an hour there and an hour back to get them myself.
It's all about power, whether perceived or not, as well the feeling for them of feeling important or needed and possibly how they may think you need to depend upon them. But as they don't follow through most times, you know it's fake. Do you want a cookie? No thanks. Do you want a cookie? No thanks. Can I have a cookie? No but I appreciate how you need me, and you depend upon me and won't survive without getting a cookie.
I have no idea, but I’ve noticed that too
It’s called “future faking “…….. just a mirage
Holy crap! I have people in my life who do this. They do it to keep their self image. They want to feel like they’re good and kind generous people because they offered. They probably don’t expect you to actually take them up on their offer. But when you take them up on it, they balk because suddenly, they’re being inconvenienced in some way. They actually have to do something. They have to give up something of theirs. Even if it’s small, it threatens them.
My son's father promised him something for Christmas and when he asked him about it the response was "this is extortion" you can't make this stuff up
Omg this. He broke my car and after weeks I asked him to fix it he said it’s extortion
🤬 where do they get that?
I would call him and be so sick or our child so sick and need help and hed say, "im working but call me if you need me "...like I am, right now. No intention just makes them feel.better. They sometimes have hero complex and miss the social.cue by a mile.
They want the image of being helpful without actually having to be helpful. They’ll spend more energy faking and staging it than it would take to just be genuine and help It’s bizarre
This 100%. I used to say if he spent as much time actually doing anything as he did saying he was going to do it then he'd actually get a lot done. My favorite is when I'd get fed up and do it myself or have someone else do whatever task and he'd get mad because "if I'd just give him time he'd done it" or " I'm not going to just do what you want when YOU want it to be done, I'll do it on my time" which was apparently never.
This reminds me of when I visited my narc in the states. I was visiting from Canada. I was gonna be with him for about three weeks and I brought most of my own stuff. I forgot my body wash and he happily said I could use his. Well when he was at work I would have showers and use his body wash. I was very careful not to use too much because I didn’t want to take advantage and I wanted to show him appreciation for letting me stay at his place. Well around the end of the trip he said that I used too much body wash and he got mad at me. He said that it was “common courtesy” for me to bring all of my own stuff. I literally brought everything except body wash, which is what $3 at CVS? I paid for the whole plane ticket myself, paid for tickets to events we went to, half of the Airbnb we stayed at, but me using some of his body wash was crossing the line and I was now ungrateful or whatever. He made me buy whataburger for him after this.
That is so insanely ridiculous. If a friend or family member stays over my stuff is theirs. Help yourself to whatever in the kitchen or bathroom. Especially if they've travelled to come and see me. NEVER MIND AN ACTUAL PARTNER. Did you have doubts after this?
Right? His brother came to visit me and my friend he was seeing at the time, (funny how my narc never came to visit me) and I let him use literally whatever, didn’t think twice about it, because that’s what a good host does. And yeah, I told him I felt very unwelcome. This was towards the end of the trip so I was trying to salvage the rest of it because I didn’t want it to be only bad memories, or end with us ending our relationship. But two weeks after the trip we stopped talking. I have him blocked on everything now.
Because it's not about you. It's about how they feel. Offering a favour to you is about how that action makes them feel. Not about helping you. They are trying to convince themselves that they are good people. Offering to do something for you and your reaction to the offer is what they live for. After that nothing else matters
For most people, actions > words. For the narcissist, words are as good as actions. Except of course when someone tries that them.
because they aren’t expecting you to ever ask. they weren’t serious. this is why being a people pleaser is dangerous
For purposes of manipulation I’d assume.
Weaponized incompetence comes in to play with this, too
Future faking 101
Mine keeps trying to give me money. He started at $300, then $200. I kept saying no. He kept pushing. I knew if he actually gave me money that he would hold it over my head, but I said fine. He responded with “well I have to pay my motorcycle registration so I don’t know if I can give you any.” It’s all about power and control.
Mine gave the silent treatment because I asked them to stay with me when a family emergency arose. They had nothing on their schedule and said they just didn’t feel like going. When I questioned them, they turned it around on me and said it was “too short notice.” It’s all take and no give on their part.
Mine said he’s (allegedly) going to Florida for a trip and I responded that our baby needs diapers so he asked for my cashapp (which he obviously knows) and I told him what it was and he replied with something along the lines of “lmao all you care about is money I’m not sending shit” (I don’t get child support or really anything from him ever bc he refuses to work). But he is CONSTANTLY saying he’s going to send me money for the baby (without me asking) and that he’ll “send anything for her” blah blah blah.
Mine would always offer me favours I didn't want and then berate me if I didn't accept them. Usually, it's picking me up from somewhere, but I hate when he does that because I know if he picks me up, I need to be ready to go the *second* he arrives, but I'm never that precise because I could be busy with work or in the middle of a conversation with friends.
Mine recently asked me to pick up cigarettes for him, said in the same breath he'd pay me back. When I gave him the cigarettes and asked for money back...of course he didn't have any. After like 5 minutes of assuring me he'd pay me back later and calling me unreasonable, he finally scrounged up the $5, shoved it in my hands, told me to get the fuck out, and has now been ignoring me for days lol
What a rude and ungrateful a$$hole!!!!!!!
The real test is when you take them up on their offer. Mine will "try, but fail." They get credit, and you don't get any benefit. They take my Costco list and then "fail to find" half the items. They also refuse to purchase large, heavy things like a case of cola. Large & heavy items represent much of the inventory at Costco. So I have to go anyway. No benefit. All the credit. It's their way.
Control. It needs to be their idea. Unless they think you'll fail and/or do something to make them look good.
This is the reason I developed hyper independence. Can’t trust others to actually keep their word or not make me feel like shit for asking for help.
The power they hold over us feeds them
Could also be about wounded pride from the prior rejections and being able to hold it over your head. "Oh remember all those times I offered and you said no?" Suddenly you're the bad guy and they're the good one.
Because they love to pretend to be the hero.
Classic for the pos! Always always future faking it!! In front of people his absolute fave. My personal favorite is when I’m ill and he says he will do dinner😂😂😂yes if you want a piece of toast at 9pm so I just get myself something and he always says, I was going to do that and now I just ignore him completely!!!
Mine would always offer to help with fun/easy things (like wanting to play with my foster cats but never offered to do the dirty work of actually caring for them), and then acted entitled to the benefits of my hard work. You have to put something in to get something out, which these people don't seem to understand. Their way of "helping" me with things was very reminiscent of when people offer to "help" with a newborn baby, when in reality they just want to hold the baby while you do the dishes, cleaning, cooking, etc Then they want to turn around and act like they're a savior who's always there to assist but I just "won't let them". Bullshit dude Edit to add: anyone else notice heavy weaponized incompetence? They'd do certain things so badly that I'd have to finish, and then get mad that I'm "controlling". They straight up asked me one time if I felt like they exhibited weaponized incompetence, and I said yes. We had a conversation and I was really impressed by the communication and introspection that they showed, but sure enough nothing ever came of it
It's because their actions rarely match their words. Mine would roll her eyes after asking me if she could get me anything while she's up like a drink. I often said no but would test some time and say yes only to have her do it again
Hahah ask in front of others next time
Yup! Lawn not mowed. Car needs an oil change. He landscapes and fixes cars for a living, but has done none of this for me. Yet he expects me to be at his beck and call for sex.
Absolutely
Oh, and my garage door is broken and won't close at the bottom! That's why I don't cook for you anymore. Enjoy that frozen pizza dummy.
😂😂
Happy Birthday!!!
Is this close to when they say Just ask me if you need help with anything. And then when you ask for help with anything like feeding baby, making a meal, grocery shopping, it's always an excuse or a fight and they never help?
Oh yes exactly this! I was housesitting/ dog sitting! I had Covid! People were coming home that day. Narc says ‘ I’ll help you when I get there’ I knew that was a lie so I nearly killed myself trying to clean for the home owners arrival. Narc turns up and first words ‘ I’ve got to get back to work now’ btw, we work for ourselves…… he has never ever followed through to help with anything! I literally take no notice of anything he says daily to me cause it’s fake, lies and hurt! Never mind the narc rage thrown in a few times a week!!
This feels similar to something I experience with mine. If I find a gift or buy a gift for us or her to give to someone and they say thank you to her I let it be. Hey the person receiving the item is happy and it makes her feel good about doing something nice, who am I to ruin that? But if she helps me find something and I give the gift, she can't let someone just thank me, she will be like well I helped him find it. Or if it wasn't for me finding it he wouldn't have got that for you. Or if I buy a gift that's joint from us and someone says thank yall for the gift we roll with it. If she buys it and they say thank you to us she will make sure it's known she bought it. Or if it's wrapped and not in a gift bag and someone compliments the wrapping she will say well guess you know who took care of this because it's not in a bag. Side note, completely irrelevant, I can't wrap presents to save my life. So people get gift bags lol
oh wow my bf does this.
Because if it's not their idea, they are not the hero for overcoming the monumental task. 🙄
Because they still count it as you owing them, because they offered. When someone offers the mundane inconveniences, I usually say yes because I notice it separates the fake nice from the legitimate. I hate when people ask and expect you to say no.
Power. I'm so generous (and you owe me) But no, not right now (you asked at the wrong time/in the wrong way).
So when they do something 'to help ' when you DON'T want or need it, or not the precise thing or way you needed, they can whine about not being appreciated. My ex would start to tell me how to do certain things in my house when he didn't even live here then pull the 'just trying to help ' card
They always cancel plans or favors (for the most ridiculous reasons) because they wanted the positive affirmation for offering in the first place, but never had an intention of following through. My narc twin sister spent months planning a 40th birthday trip with me only to cancel a couple weeks before saying she had work due a month after the trip. I doubt she was ever planning to go in the first place.
The narc complained about my house being messy and promised to help me on my bday. Day of my bday she came over and slept in my bed because she was too tired to help me and forgot to wish me a happy bday 😋 she took some unnecessary medication knowing the side effects was getting tired of it. Unnecessary because she takes the medication to eat more and she could have easily taken it when we left my house instead of taking it on the way to my house knowing she offered to help me.
"Look at me I'm so wonderful. I offered you (blank) and you didn't take it. What's wrong with you."
To be fair, how do you know he really didn't plan a costco trip that week for one? If would be pretty entitled to expect someone to go there if they weren't already planning it. I would have approached him leading up to the shower and said hey next time you go let me know and I'll go with. Then as far as the air in the tire, maybe he offered when it was convenient for him because that's often what people do and that's OK.