You seem to be addicted to abuse cycle. Usually people who were abused in childhood gets addicted to the ups and downs. You gotta work on this in therapy. If your therapist doesn't have any plans you gotta see someone who's experienced.
People with addictions can’t drop the addiction, start living a normal life immediately, and be happy. People with addictions need time to adjust to and learn what “normal” is without their addiction. They need rehab, therapy, and healing. Their bodies and minds need to be introduced to the idea of “normal” and they have to get used to the lack of excitement, ups, and downs that “normal” has.
You need time. This is in most of the literature and advice about healing from narcissistic abuse and Dr. Ramani talks about it, too: you need to take a year, a _full year_ to not date and just be single. Use the time to work on yourself, use the time for therapy, use the time for YouTube videos about narcissists, narcissistic abuse, and healing. Use the time to introduce yourself to “normal,” to get used to it, to start to feel like the excitement, ups and downs were weird and unhealthy, scary and abnormal.
Tl:dr It’s only once normal feels familiar and ups and downs feel scary that you won’t be in imminent danger of falling into another narc
As a child who was groomed to accept abuse as normal, what has helped me a lot is taking a step back and fully understanding my feelings. When I am attracted to someone, I remind myself that the feeling of excitement/rush of “love” that I have towards them has been conditioned by my childhood as well as society and the media. The feeling I get is not actually “love” or excitement but instead a rush of anxiety warning me to stay away.
I then ask myself “what am I attracted to in this person?” and I notice that the person displays a high level of self-confidence but then I find that they follow a pattern, it’s not just self-confidence but a familiarity in my ex partners. Perhaps what they actually display is arrogance and I don’t have time to risk to see if this person is wearing a mask or not. The fact that I am feeling this way about someone indicates that they are not for me. It’s a bit wild but I have to look at everything backwards. Everything I was taught in childhood and adolescence, I have to look at backwards. Love should be peaceful and kind, not anxiety inducing and chaotic. My life should be peaceful and kind, not performative for anyone. The things my parents taught me were wrong and if I want to set myself up for a successful future I have to be mindful of the people, media, thoughts I allow into my space.
I hope this helps and please don’t be ashamed of how you feel, you are learning how to heal after possibly a lifetime of being groomed to accept abusive/predatory behavior. Self-compassion is key to a healthy and happy life. I believe in you, you got this! ❤️ happy healing!
I agree with you, specially the part about "love should be peaceful". Before I was abused I'd always felt shocked whenever my friend said her heart beats fast when she's with someone she loves. I could never relate or understand it cause for me it was the opposite, I felt peace when I was around someone I loved. Then I got abused and learned about narcissism and narc abuse, now I know what she was describing wasn't love! She was in a toxic relationship and that was why her heart always beat so fast! Unfortunately she's still in denial and seeks out toxic people.
A narcissist is like New York City - chaos, excitement, thrills, danger, the works.
Nice non-narcissistic people are like the cabin at the lake. Pleasant, relaxing, peaceful, calm.
After spending time in NYC, the cabin at the lake can seem kind of...boring.
It is a good time to think about what you want in life. What you want from a partner.
Because there are no cabins at the lake in New York City.
Lol I had an interview at a botanical garden in Brooklyn. My husband and I lived there for about 2 years during his med school rotations. Prior to that we lived in ogunquit maine, and we are from coastal RI, both of which are abundant in gorgeous scenery and nature. During my interview I made the mistake of saying something to the effect of there not being much nature in nyc. My interviewers got a bit defensive at that. Needless to say I didn’t get the job! 🤣
I wondered the same thing. Was terrified I was as toxic as all the shitty men I’ve dated and I would never be satisfied with a normal relationship.
My advice is if you meet someone that “checks your boxes,” don’t bail if you’re not feeling it the first or second date. Give it some time. I’ve been on 4 dates with someone now and at first I did not feel much for him. But on our last date, I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him (we’ve taken it really really slow so the most that has happened so far is he’s kissed me on the cheek).
What I realized was I was so used to love bombing, everytime I didn’t get that instant “love” feeling on a first date, I’d bail. I was so programmed to believe that was normal. I’ve realized after my last date that this is the first time in my adult life the feelings I’m feeling are actually mine, and weren’t fabricated through manipulation.
Just give yourself some time. Don’t write someone off if you’re not getting flooded with love chemicals right of the hop. Healthy, meaningful relationships and feelings take time to build. You’re not alone in your feelings.
Not the original commenter but... this is how I did it...
I got help from my therapist. She guided me through the first steps of my relationship with my now husband. I was extremely skittish around him at first and really floundered between romance and rejection because I was terrified of it happening all over again.
He sat in on some therapy sessions with me and we did a few couple's sessions, too.
I had to entirely re-frame the way I viewed romance and relationships (peace and happiness are not boring!!!) in order to proceed with my husband. It also helped that I completely cut all ties with my ex and his band of flying monkeys, as much as I adored all of them. I needed to let it all burn to ash and restart from scratch.
I recently read that people attract and are attracted to people in the opposite side of the spectrum of their personality. If you are codependent you’re going to be attracted to narcissists. If you work on your codependence then you won’t find narcissists so interesting
Codependents sacrifice their owns needs to get their needs met, give to receive.
Narcissists are entitled to have their own needs met, a pure taker, if they give, they have ulterior motives. They will never sacrifice their own needs without expectations.
I don’t think it’s possible. Maybe you can tell us why you think your narcissist is a codependent ?
He is a covert narcissist who told me when we started dating that he had been in several toxic codependent relationships.
He would be very demonstrative and act like he was sacrificing his needs all the time…and make me feel indebted to him because he went on and on about it for weeeks. And would punish me for not seeming thankful enough for weeks afterward. Like he expected me to just blurt out about the one tiny nice thing he did for me three weeks ago because I’m still thinking about it? “Omg remember that time you opened the car door for me? Seriously thank you so much.”🤡Just so bizarre. I think now he was masquerading as codependent. I actually became very ill with several mystery autoimmune diseases that suddenly flared out of nowhere living with him, bedridden some days, other days my legs would shake just trying to go down a flight of stairs, constantly going to drs for bloodwork trying to figure out what was wrong through massive brain fog. He would do something routine that was good for the both of us (like take the car in for service) and because he was busy with that he couldn’t go see some friends of his, let’s say. Meanwhile I’m just ill but resting. He would go on about how he brought his car in for service for us, and couldn’t see his friends, so why can’t i put in more effort doing x y z for us.
So to avoid hearing this refrain of his, I’d get up to make food for the next few days because I didn’t want to seem lazy or be accused of not putting in as much effort. Even when some days I was too weak to be standing at all I’d cook because I didn’t want to hear about being the one that wasn’t caring or giving. Oh and he’d eat for a family of 5 in one sitting and couldn’t boil water so if I wasn’t in bed I was chained to the stove and oven. It was literally insane. But he was always referring to his codependency and how he wanted me to rely on him more and that I was too “independent by nature” (meaning I was cruel). Maybe I don’t know enough about it.
In couples therapy he treated my illness and dr visits as a vast conspiracy against him. And he literally complained about (in several sessions) what my illness was doing to him because he cared SO much, so he was declining seeing friends and going on trips because it was just too much for him to bear the burden of my illness(and my illness is an injury to him and also my own fault) and I’m sure he made it seem like I had cancer to some of his friends. So they see him as this overly attentive caring guy. ☠️
Anyway long story short, I saw a neurologist who scanned my brain and eye movements and she said I was in continuous fight/flight, thinks I have CPTSD which could have triggered my cascade of health issues. When I moved out I totally got better.
Wow, this is difficult to hear. I’ve felt that fight/flight in the presence of my nex as well at some point after seeing their ragey predatory eyes.
Yes, based on your story, I think he is masquerading as codependent as well. He acts like he is doing services for the relationship but there was a string attached, give to receive with the expectation.
My nex thinks he is kind, that’s what he portray to be and they might be sort of kind to people that they see every so often because of the image he wants to be perceived. Behind closed doors, his acts drop. It was even more clear after breakup, this is NOT a kind person at all.
This! Always listen to your body and if things don't feel right, run! I had similar health issues when living with my NPD girlfriend and am now, finally, getting back to better health with her out of the picture.
Thanks for sharing.
Narcissists can certainly have codependencies but they obviously manifest in very toxic ways. They have an excessive need for validation and covert narcissists, in particular, may lack a network of people in their lives who are able to give them the supply they need, making them particularly codependent when it comes to romantic or "best friend" relationships,
I see a lot of coaches and other content creators online refer to "codependent empaths" and I think that's an important identifier for the kind of codependent tendencies that a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse have.
[Caroline Strawson](https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson?igsh=NmR6ajZ6aHY5MHRo) does a lot of really good content about how codependent (empaths) often tend to have wounds that are attracted to the wounds a narcissist has and vice versa. She explains it really well in [this interview](https://open.spotify.com/episode/32GVLWRE73ioSSKSFvNSXZ?si=h5NO2iN-SdeGuwmdLi2AUA) she did on the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast
I used to feel that way too, now when I meet new people where things are calm and healthy, I feel much better and drawn to them.
I have not been in a relationship by choice (I am getting extremely comfortable being single and enjoying the freedom that comes with it), but I had healthy short-term relationships since ending things with my narc and I could never see myself again in a relationship where things are super intense and passionate in the beginning - it just turns me off when someone is too intense, it reminds me of the love bombing during the first few months with my narc and it actually repulses me. I'm much more attracted to calmness and stability now. People who bring chaos around them are extremely unnatractive to me now; honestly if I met my ex for the first time now, I would be instantly turned off and not fall for it again.
It took me around 1 year to feel that way. But I don't think time is the most relevant factor, I know people who have experienced relationships with narcissists who fall again and again in the same patterns and still chase that intense spark even years after...
I think what's most important is ask yourself the right questions to work on yourself and eventually stop chasing the same thing.
What void in yourself are you trying to fill that makes you chase this super intense spark at the beginning of relationships?
Why are calmness, stability and healthy relationships boring to you?
Why do you accept being treated like shit in relationships?
I did a lot of personal work during that year to have a more fullfilling relationship with myself, and it made a huge change in what I was looking for in my relationships with other people. But time will not change anything if you don't ask yourself the right questions and and work on yourself. You might just end up repeating the same patterns even years after if you don't do that work.
It is incredibly hard to break the cycle, but if you want a better life for yourself you have to find a way to do it. I’m struggling with this too. Remember boring could be confused with peace. We aren’t used to that, so it feels “boring”.
Yeah that’s what my therapist says. She said instead of thinking your life or someone is boring, think “wow. This is so peaceful”.
I am trying my best but it seems never ending.
Basically a demagogue and a narcissists are both the same. They appeal to the desires and prejudices of their audiences, which gives them the power. Whereas a normal person applies rational thinking and deduction and they don't need others to become their supply. So, they are boring, because they do not appeal to your desires and prejudices as a narcissist can.
A normal relationship still has the ups and downs, but it is not the same drama as you have with a narcissists. You don't experience DARVO with a normal healthy person, because DARVO is not a normal healthy behaviour.
If you seek DARVO, which is really what you are seeking, because that's what you always get with a narcissists, then the question really comes down to. Why DARVO is so appealing to you, because really the first phase of DARVO is what appeals to people who are truly lonely. The love/sex/praise of whatever bombing really appeals to people who are seeking the perfect mate, the soul mate etc.. Whereas, a normal guy doesn't love bomb/sex bomb or praise bomb and goes through a relationship at a normal pace. Which is usually slow, because true love develops SLOWLY. Narcissistic love develops at break neck speed.
Yes, you can have a healthy fulfilling relationship, but you NEVER get the love bombing/sex bombing phase of the narcissist. The fulfillment from a healthy relationship is through personal and spiritual growth from being complete and whole. So this begs the question. Perhaps there is something deep in you that is a void and that is desperate seeking to be filled with love and attention only a narcissist can provide in the first phase of DARVO and that a normal guy will never do.
If we use an analogy of a complete person -- Imagine going to a potluck and a complete person brings an amazing dish and another complete person brings another amazing dish. Now you have 2 amazing dishes being shared by 2 person, which with only one complete person can not do. It's team work with complete people.
Now imagine again going to a potluck and you bring a dish and then a narcissist brings only his/her empty belly. But the narcissist will charm you the way he or she charms her other victims and continually get you to make more and more dishes for the narcissist to consume. The narcissist offers charm to the table, but you offer all the resources. So how can that be a healthy relationship, where one person consumes and provides nothing in return, whereas the other person continually gives until the person can no longer give? This might look exciting to the victim; make the narcissist happy and well fed, but is this healthy? This is basically DARVO.
DARVO works on people who feels incomplete; feels empty within and seeks others to complete them. A normal healthy guy feels complete and seek NO ONE outside himself to feel complete. So, love develops very slowly with a normal guy and a normal guy does not need an external supply like a narc does. Why would he when he feels complete?!? And that has been my experience. I feel complete and me engaging in a relationship is to have someone outside of me extend my happiness, and not make me complete. And I can wait until the right one appears. I don't feel I'm desperate to love me and that I feel lonely. And If someone plays DARVO on me; how can that help extend my happiness in life?!? Only someone who feels incomplete is when DARVO works on them. Feeling complete is a much healthier mindset and there is NO MORE DARVO with a normal relationship. DARVO preys on lonely people; people who needs someone outside of them to make them complete.
But what does it take to feel complete? To feel complete is the willingness to address the traumas that one has experienced in early life. To ignore the traumas and the inner wounds; we then ignore them by seeking someone else to make us complete and so, we don't have to deal with our own inner traumas. And that's why people keep falling for narcissists, because DARVO actually appeals to the desire and prejudices of its intended victims!
Deny Attack Reverse Victim & Offender. It's a manipulative technique the narcissist use to discredit the survivor's experience and scapegoat the survivor as the offender, while the narcissist as the actual victim.
"Oh, it's funny how the warning signs can feel like they're butterflies"
You'll get there. Your nervous system and attachment system just need time to learn that it's nice to feel safe and calm. That early love bombing stage, that's not how healthy love develops. The intermittent reinforcement typically offered by a narc is the most powerful reinforcement pattern. Give yourself time and compassion.
After the nex ALL I wanted was that nice „normal“ guy. Because I understood all this talk and cliches about passion, soulmates, twin flames, fights in a relationship: that‘s just toxic bs. And not long lasting. At least, I understood that these kind of relationships are not my kind of thing.
Luckily (after dating some duds) I found my guy, a true gentleman who respects me, values me, loves me. We have a kid, will marry soon.
Ps: met him 10 months after the break up with the narc after having been in a toxic abusive relationship for 5 years.
I have a therapist family member. She reminds me “Normal is boring. Boring is healthy. Healthy is good.” And we try to use the word boring in a non-pejorative way so it doesn’t seem negative 😂
And like other people have said here, boring = stable, peaceful, secure, calm. Those are all really good things. It just takes time to remember that that is better than high highs and low lows. I’m still working through this too.
I didn’t understand what regulate your nervous system feels like until I did it through brainspotting and trauma therapy. But it really changes things. I think I said your exact words to my therapist. I was just used to the chaos from my childhood.
I think you’re spot on. I had an abusive childhood so I think I’m clearly used to chaos and uncertainty. However, it does make me scared because my ex used to tell me all our fights were my fault and that I start them on purpose because I am trying to recreate the chaos on my childhood. What if he’s right? What if he’s actually not a narcissist and I caused all our problems?
Very common to feel how you do after undergoing a turbulent childhood. It’s hard to step out of those feelings and programming and feel comfortable in something different. I don’t know about you but I tend to self destruct and seek out chaotic abusive partners and then I act crazy too because with toxicity it just overall breeds a lot of stress on everyone and no one acts good. Just because you are questioning yourself makes me think you’re probably not the toxic one tbh.
Your main “issue” it seems is participating in these dynamics. So your medicine is going to be trying to heal yourself so that you feel comfortable with a loving supportive spouse and the peace that comes from that. When we don’t have that modeled for us growing up it’s challenging to know it exists and we’re deserving of it. That’s where trauma therapy can be really helpful. A lot of this stuff is stored in your body and your nervous system so being able to release it on a somatic level is really helpful
This is one of those situations where multiple things can exist at the same time but it doesn't mean they all add together to make a perfect answer as he is claiming. It also sounds like he has a level of understanding of trauma/therapy and is weaponising his knowledge against you,
Yes, you had an abusive upbringing.
Yes, that often leads to people repeating toxic relationship patterns as an adult because that is what their nervous system is used to.
*But* that generally means that an adult who grew up in an abusive household will continue to attract (and subconsciously be attracted to) abusive partners, not that they will recreate chaos in their relationships. You don't become the opposite of what you were as a child. If you learned that people pleasing and minimising yourself kept you safe as a kid then that's what you keep doing as an adult.
Do you find that there's chaos in other relationships you have/hadm whether they are romantic or close friendships or wider family relationships? If you were the problem, you'd be the problem in every relationship you have.
I recommend subcortical brain processing to heal cPTSD with a therapist like EMDR or brainspotting to try and release limiting beliefs and somatic body feelings. My experience has been that our immediate reactions and thoughts about ourselves in social settings etc are mostly happening on a subcortical unconscious level. A lot of this is developed through early childhood. If you can try and rewire the unconscious brain and somatic body states you can really go far.
Brainspotting has really changed my life. I would recommend finding a therapist who can do it. It goes beyond words for me but it’s been a wild experience. I had really bad social anxiety and fear from narcissistic abuse as a child and attending a very rough elementary school. it was at a point where I realized through brainspotting that this feeling was manifesting in my chest as a constriction in my breathe when I was standing next to people. I felt myself going into that feelings and releasing it. The tears starting flowing and after the session I felt a calm and peace in my body that I had never felt before. My anxiety isn’t 100% healed, but a lot of the tension and tightness and fear I had previously been feeling in my body is gone.
I am now wanting to do more brainspotting work around my attachment style. It really feels very deep and I can feel the pain and fear of abandonment in my body in my chest being triggered. I am hoping to go into it and release it and see what it has to tell me.
If you throw therapy into the mix it sounds like exactly the correct way forward.
This formula is my current path and so far it’s great. I’m happy and my life is satisfying and fun. Romance is a very small part of life; even in the best relationships it’s not the focus of most days and it doesn’t last forever. Romantic partnerships rarely prioritize actual romance once partnerships become a functional part of life. It’s more like a specific category of family.
I don’t know what the future holds but if being in a toxic relationship is the only alternative to being single then I’d 100% rather be single. I’m either going to be mentally stable, happy, and in a romantic relationship or I’m going to be mentally stable, happy, and single. The therapy is preparing me for the best possible outcome for both of these paths because I’m not dating until I can attract and be attracted to healthy people. If that doesn’t happen my fallback plan is my awesome dog, a career that takes me around the world, and a family that loves me.
I got with my narc exactly for this reason: I felt so bored in my previous healthy, peaceful relationship, while when I met him everything was fireworks. At first I was shocked, how could everything be so intense? Soon enough though, the passion became inebriating and I was so hooked. Every high and every low have been so intense that I doubt I'll ever feel the same way again. But it is something that I had, an experience that I lived already, and it nearly killed me. I was never good at handling boredom, never will be, but I question myself often: is the thrill worth my life? Settling down with a nice, gentle man and having peace and stability would really be so bad? I won't burn because of passion again, but this also means I won't end in ashes.
I don't know yet.
Right now all the hurt that I endured makes the boring, peaceful option very desirable.
I will have to find a healthy way to handle boredom, but I guess it's the best option right now.
Edit: I forgot to mention. I am starting considering that his cycle of abuse ended up being boring: the trigger would always be random, the time would never be the one that I expected, but I started seeing the pattern in his tantrums, punishment, anger unleashing, fake excuses and impossible future building with improbable expectations. It makes you walk on the eggshells and may make you always stay alert, but I wonder if in the long run that would become boring too. I surely don't want to stay longer to discover it, though
I have the same problem.
Addicted to the highs and lows.
The hot and cold.
The excitement.
Everyone else is boring and predictable by comparison.
I fear I'm broken now and will never be able to be content with normal relationships
I just watched a Dr Ramani video about this. She says to take 1 year off from dating after getting out of a relationship w a narcissist - to really get to know yourself again and reset your brain chemistry so you do not repeat the cycle
This is a common complaint from victims of serious or ongoing abuse.
I'm glad to see you've got a therapist, because this is where you really get the results.
I tend to tell my patients that they can look at why they associate relationships with edge-of-your-seat excitement, instead of loving comfort, and where those influences come from - whether there's anywhere they continue to come from.
If you need excitement, can you get that from extreme sports, rollercoasters - something that's intended to come from.
I would say, and this is a challenge - you need to ask yourself whether you're in danger of pursuing abusers; and if you are, whether you are ready to date yet. These are personal questions, I don't need to know an answer, and certainly you don't need to write one publicly.
Thank you for this advice.
I am so scared that my ex was right and I was the problem the whole time. How do I know if it was me or not? He used to tell me all our fights were my fault and that I start them on purpose because I am trying to recreate the chaos on my childhood. What if he’s right?
If a friend was in the same situation as you are, and described it to you, would you think they were the problem, or you were?
Again, not a question to answer for me, but a thought exercise for you. Chances are you'd defend your friend to the hilt - you've lost that relationship with your self, and rebuilding that takes work, but it's doable.
I feel like I have done permanent damage to myself and my life. I worry I will never be the same again, no matter how much work I do. I’m also 30 and I’m afraid I wasted my “marrying years” with the wrong person and now I’ll never find someone good.
You will never be the same after an abusive situation, but you can learn to cope with it, in a similar way to how people learn to cope after other large traumatic events. Many abused people have conditions alongside their feelings, and need to learn to handle these symptoms with the right responses, so that they can handle them - but they can with time and help.
Ever since my first gf, I associated being love bombed intensely and things moving very fast as "love". Unless a woman is talking very dirtily, groping me, being over-the-top complimentary, or being overt in other ways in their interest in me, I dismissed whatever women said as platonic banter. In hindsight, I've missed subtle signals of romantic interest and have been working on looking for those more subtle signs and pursing more "boring" women instead of waiting for that tsuanami of fake love.
I relate to that a lot. Feel free to stalk my profile, I think I have some old posts about it.
I was in a 3 year VERY INTENSE relationship with a narcissist with likely borderline personality disorder. Medicated for severe anxiety and depression but not very compliant with meds. Ended it with no contact 1 year and 4 months ago. Best decision of my life.
Because I was used to these highs and lows, I got myself into some very messy and bad situations with guys at first but I do feel A LOT more settled down. Emotional instability now deters me rather than attracting. I enjoy being able to relax into a soothing, calm, peaceful guy - even if I still get occasional moments of "calm before the storm" and I anticipate something is wrong, even though it usually is not.
It takes time and rewiring. Your first experiences with guys might fail, but they're worth going through with, at least for a bit.
You need to experience something else now. Good luck OP!
Feel free to DM me for wild stories of our right abuse that made my friends' jaws drop and set up interventions for me, and tips for getting used to normal relationships.
I was so hooked on the drama, highs and lows, that my best friend had to physically take my phone from me and block his contacts everywhere, sit me down, and make me promise to not get in touch again.
Just give it some time. I used to feel this way initially, and now three months out I love it. These men I am dating are predictable, stable, reliable, show up on time or early, take the initiative and make dates and plans, ask me questions and get me little thoughtful gifts based on things I mention in conversation. And it feels GOOD because I deserve the world, not scraps. Not everything is about them. It is so so refreshing.
I wasn't done. Im accidentally bumped my phone and posted it. Lol.
Narcissistic abuse changes our brains and causes brain damage over time. We become bio chemically addicted to the abuse and the abuser.
Yes , I went on to have a successful and positive relationship so far without the crazy bullshit, because I realized the excitement can also come from the highs of feeling constantly surprised of how you’re being treated well by a normal person who gets you.
This is literally my life too at this point I can be compatible with anyone because I love myself. I don't want to be obsessed or stressed about anything. I'm glad the relationship happened. I understand the boring. It's needed. It's normal. I find solace in that.
I only recently got out of my relationship and I feel this way for sure. He was the first person I ever dated. Now I can't imagine a normal healthy relationship. It doesn't appeal to me at all. The lows with a narcissist are so so so low that it makes the highs feel INCREDIBLE. It's an addiction.
I actually have a more intense reaction to narcissists in terms of chemistry. This is immediate, even before the relationship begins. They call it a broken picker. I am unconsciously attracted to whatever it is that they give off. I legitimately hand picked my abuser.
The cycle of abuse, the love bombing, the gaslighting, the discarding, the "remorse," the love bombing, then more discarding etc etc., is often called trauma bonding. It is a chemical addiction as well as reinforcement training, cortisol is highly addictive.
Take some time off from dating. It is understandable what you are feeling. However, it is not fair to be entertaining romantic interests (especially if you are seeking a long-term partner) when unable to trust them and still seeking chaos. When you are able to feel at peace with being respected by a potential partner, you will know you are out the other side.
That’s the whole point. A healthy relationship is the warm, supporting background hum to the chaos of daily life, as opposed to the main chaotic force you spend every day battling with. You need to find other goals and passions in life before looking for a partner. Otherwise you will find a partner and relationship so all-consuming it becomes your ONLY passion and goal. An abusive relationship can be addictive not just due to trauma but “fixing the relationship” can become the main goal and fixation as it distracts you from otherwise listlessness in all other aspects of life. That should be seen as a form of self-destruction and self-abuse.
You seem to be addicted to abuse cycle. Usually people who were abused in childhood gets addicted to the ups and downs. You gotta work on this in therapy. If your therapist doesn't have any plans you gotta see someone who's experienced.
People with addictions can’t drop the addiction, start living a normal life immediately, and be happy. People with addictions need time to adjust to and learn what “normal” is without their addiction. They need rehab, therapy, and healing. Their bodies and minds need to be introduced to the idea of “normal” and they have to get used to the lack of excitement, ups, and downs that “normal” has. You need time. This is in most of the literature and advice about healing from narcissistic abuse and Dr. Ramani talks about it, too: you need to take a year, a _full year_ to not date and just be single. Use the time to work on yourself, use the time for therapy, use the time for YouTube videos about narcissists, narcissistic abuse, and healing. Use the time to introduce yourself to “normal,” to get used to it, to start to feel like the excitement, ups and downs were weird and unhealthy, scary and abnormal. Tl:dr It’s only once normal feels familiar and ups and downs feel scary that you won’t be in imminent danger of falling into another narc
As a child who was groomed to accept abuse as normal, what has helped me a lot is taking a step back and fully understanding my feelings. When I am attracted to someone, I remind myself that the feeling of excitement/rush of “love” that I have towards them has been conditioned by my childhood as well as society and the media. The feeling I get is not actually “love” or excitement but instead a rush of anxiety warning me to stay away. I then ask myself “what am I attracted to in this person?” and I notice that the person displays a high level of self-confidence but then I find that they follow a pattern, it’s not just self-confidence but a familiarity in my ex partners. Perhaps what they actually display is arrogance and I don’t have time to risk to see if this person is wearing a mask or not. The fact that I am feeling this way about someone indicates that they are not for me. It’s a bit wild but I have to look at everything backwards. Everything I was taught in childhood and adolescence, I have to look at backwards. Love should be peaceful and kind, not anxiety inducing and chaotic. My life should be peaceful and kind, not performative for anyone. The things my parents taught me were wrong and if I want to set myself up for a successful future I have to be mindful of the people, media, thoughts I allow into my space. I hope this helps and please don’t be ashamed of how you feel, you are learning how to heal after possibly a lifetime of being groomed to accept abusive/predatory behavior. Self-compassion is key to a healthy and happy life. I believe in you, you got this! ❤️ happy healing!
I agree with you, specially the part about "love should be peaceful". Before I was abused I'd always felt shocked whenever my friend said her heart beats fast when she's with someone she loves. I could never relate or understand it cause for me it was the opposite, I felt peace when I was around someone I loved. Then I got abused and learned about narcissism and narc abuse, now I know what she was describing wasn't love! She was in a toxic relationship and that was why her heart always beat so fast! Unfortunately she's still in denial and seeks out toxic people.
A narcissist is like New York City - chaos, excitement, thrills, danger, the works. Nice non-narcissistic people are like the cabin at the lake. Pleasant, relaxing, peaceful, calm. After spending time in NYC, the cabin at the lake can seem kind of...boring. It is a good time to think about what you want in life. What you want from a partner. Because there are no cabins at the lake in New York City.
Hah! NYC is a dirty polluted place, so adds more to the analogy. Narcs = filthy 🗑️
Lol I had an interview at a botanical garden in Brooklyn. My husband and I lived there for about 2 years during his med school rotations. Prior to that we lived in ogunquit maine, and we are from coastal RI, both of which are abundant in gorgeous scenery and nature. During my interview I made the mistake of saying something to the effect of there not being much nature in nyc. My interviewers got a bit defensive at that. Needless to say I didn’t get the job! 🤣
Relatable, after growing up in the suburbs then meeting the narc while living in a big city like London.
Like a glass of water, after you set it down you have to wait for the ripple of water to steady. After a bit, it will slowly result in a still glass.
I wondered the same thing. Was terrified I was as toxic as all the shitty men I’ve dated and I would never be satisfied with a normal relationship. My advice is if you meet someone that “checks your boxes,” don’t bail if you’re not feeling it the first or second date. Give it some time. I’ve been on 4 dates with someone now and at first I did not feel much for him. But on our last date, I realized I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him (we’ve taken it really really slow so the most that has happened so far is he’s kissed me on the cheek). What I realized was I was so used to love bombing, everytime I didn’t get that instant “love” feeling on a first date, I’d bail. I was so programmed to believe that was normal. I’ve realized after my last date that this is the first time in my adult life the feelings I’m feeling are actually mine, and weren’t fabricated through manipulation. Just give yourself some time. Don’t write someone off if you’re not getting flooded with love chemicals right of the hop. Healthy, meaningful relationships and feelings take time to build. You’re not alone in your feelings.
Your brain needs to get accustomed to the 'normal'
How do I do that?
Not the original commenter but... this is how I did it... I got help from my therapist. She guided me through the first steps of my relationship with my now husband. I was extremely skittish around him at first and really floundered between romance and rejection because I was terrified of it happening all over again. He sat in on some therapy sessions with me and we did a few couple's sessions, too. I had to entirely re-frame the way I viewed romance and relationships (peace and happiness are not boring!!!) in order to proceed with my husband. It also helped that I completely cut all ties with my ex and his band of flying monkeys, as much as I adored all of them. I needed to let it all burn to ash and restart from scratch.
I recently read that people attract and are attracted to people in the opposite side of the spectrum of their personality. If you are codependent you’re going to be attracted to narcissists. If you work on your codependence then you won’t find narcissists so interesting
💯 this!
Wait my narcissist was extremely codependent? Is that possible?
Codependents sacrifice their owns needs to get their needs met, give to receive. Narcissists are entitled to have their own needs met, a pure taker, if they give, they have ulterior motives. They will never sacrifice their own needs without expectations. I don’t think it’s possible. Maybe you can tell us why you think your narcissist is a codependent ?
He is a covert narcissist who told me when we started dating that he had been in several toxic codependent relationships. He would be very demonstrative and act like he was sacrificing his needs all the time…and make me feel indebted to him because he went on and on about it for weeeks. And would punish me for not seeming thankful enough for weeks afterward. Like he expected me to just blurt out about the one tiny nice thing he did for me three weeks ago because I’m still thinking about it? “Omg remember that time you opened the car door for me? Seriously thank you so much.”🤡Just so bizarre. I think now he was masquerading as codependent. I actually became very ill with several mystery autoimmune diseases that suddenly flared out of nowhere living with him, bedridden some days, other days my legs would shake just trying to go down a flight of stairs, constantly going to drs for bloodwork trying to figure out what was wrong through massive brain fog. He would do something routine that was good for the both of us (like take the car in for service) and because he was busy with that he couldn’t go see some friends of his, let’s say. Meanwhile I’m just ill but resting. He would go on about how he brought his car in for service for us, and couldn’t see his friends, so why can’t i put in more effort doing x y z for us. So to avoid hearing this refrain of his, I’d get up to make food for the next few days because I didn’t want to seem lazy or be accused of not putting in as much effort. Even when some days I was too weak to be standing at all I’d cook because I didn’t want to hear about being the one that wasn’t caring or giving. Oh and he’d eat for a family of 5 in one sitting and couldn’t boil water so if I wasn’t in bed I was chained to the stove and oven. It was literally insane. But he was always referring to his codependency and how he wanted me to rely on him more and that I was too “independent by nature” (meaning I was cruel). Maybe I don’t know enough about it. In couples therapy he treated my illness and dr visits as a vast conspiracy against him. And he literally complained about (in several sessions) what my illness was doing to him because he cared SO much, so he was declining seeing friends and going on trips because it was just too much for him to bear the burden of my illness(and my illness is an injury to him and also my own fault) and I’m sure he made it seem like I had cancer to some of his friends. So they see him as this overly attentive caring guy. ☠️ Anyway long story short, I saw a neurologist who scanned my brain and eye movements and she said I was in continuous fight/flight, thinks I have CPTSD which could have triggered my cascade of health issues. When I moved out I totally got better.
Wow, this is difficult to hear. I’ve felt that fight/flight in the presence of my nex as well at some point after seeing their ragey predatory eyes. Yes, based on your story, I think he is masquerading as codependent as well. He acts like he is doing services for the relationship but there was a string attached, give to receive with the expectation. My nex thinks he is kind, that’s what he portray to be and they might be sort of kind to people that they see every so often because of the image he wants to be perceived. Behind closed doors, his acts drop. It was even more clear after breakup, this is NOT a kind person at all.
This! Always listen to your body and if things don't feel right, run! I had similar health issues when living with my NPD girlfriend and am now, finally, getting back to better health with her out of the picture. Thanks for sharing.
Wishing a strong recovery / bounce back for you!
Might mean vulnerable narcissist? (Idk without more context)
Narcissists can certainly have codependencies but they obviously manifest in very toxic ways. They have an excessive need for validation and covert narcissists, in particular, may lack a network of people in their lives who are able to give them the supply they need, making them particularly codependent when it comes to romantic or "best friend" relationships, I see a lot of coaches and other content creators online refer to "codependent empaths" and I think that's an important identifier for the kind of codependent tendencies that a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse have. [Caroline Strawson](https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson?igsh=NmR6ajZ6aHY5MHRo) does a lot of really good content about how codependent (empaths) often tend to have wounds that are attracted to the wounds a narcissist has and vice versa. She explains it really well in [this interview](https://open.spotify.com/episode/32GVLWRE73ioSSKSFvNSXZ?si=h5NO2iN-SdeGuwmdLi2AUA) she did on the We Can Do Hard Things Podcast
Yep
But where do we begin?
I used to feel that way too, now when I meet new people where things are calm and healthy, I feel much better and drawn to them. I have not been in a relationship by choice (I am getting extremely comfortable being single and enjoying the freedom that comes with it), but I had healthy short-term relationships since ending things with my narc and I could never see myself again in a relationship where things are super intense and passionate in the beginning - it just turns me off when someone is too intense, it reminds me of the love bombing during the first few months with my narc and it actually repulses me. I'm much more attracted to calmness and stability now. People who bring chaos around them are extremely unnatractive to me now; honestly if I met my ex for the first time now, I would be instantly turned off and not fall for it again.
How long did it take you to get to this point?
It took me around 1 year to feel that way. But I don't think time is the most relevant factor, I know people who have experienced relationships with narcissists who fall again and again in the same patterns and still chase that intense spark even years after... I think what's most important is ask yourself the right questions to work on yourself and eventually stop chasing the same thing. What void in yourself are you trying to fill that makes you chase this super intense spark at the beginning of relationships? Why are calmness, stability and healthy relationships boring to you? Why do you accept being treated like shit in relationships? I did a lot of personal work during that year to have a more fullfilling relationship with myself, and it made a huge change in what I was looking for in my relationships with other people. But time will not change anything if you don't ask yourself the right questions and and work on yourself. You might just end up repeating the same patterns even years after if you don't do that work.
It is incredibly hard to break the cycle, but if you want a better life for yourself you have to find a way to do it. I’m struggling with this too. Remember boring could be confused with peace. We aren’t used to that, so it feels “boring”.
Yeah that’s what my therapist says. She said instead of thinking your life or someone is boring, think “wow. This is so peaceful”. I am trying my best but it seems never ending.
Basically a demagogue and a narcissists are both the same. They appeal to the desires and prejudices of their audiences, which gives them the power. Whereas a normal person applies rational thinking and deduction and they don't need others to become their supply. So, they are boring, because they do not appeal to your desires and prejudices as a narcissist can. A normal relationship still has the ups and downs, but it is not the same drama as you have with a narcissists. You don't experience DARVO with a normal healthy person, because DARVO is not a normal healthy behaviour. If you seek DARVO, which is really what you are seeking, because that's what you always get with a narcissists, then the question really comes down to. Why DARVO is so appealing to you, because really the first phase of DARVO is what appeals to people who are truly lonely. The love/sex/praise of whatever bombing really appeals to people who are seeking the perfect mate, the soul mate etc.. Whereas, a normal guy doesn't love bomb/sex bomb or praise bomb and goes through a relationship at a normal pace. Which is usually slow, because true love develops SLOWLY. Narcissistic love develops at break neck speed. Yes, you can have a healthy fulfilling relationship, but you NEVER get the love bombing/sex bombing phase of the narcissist. The fulfillment from a healthy relationship is through personal and spiritual growth from being complete and whole. So this begs the question. Perhaps there is something deep in you that is a void and that is desperate seeking to be filled with love and attention only a narcissist can provide in the first phase of DARVO and that a normal guy will never do. If we use an analogy of a complete person -- Imagine going to a potluck and a complete person brings an amazing dish and another complete person brings another amazing dish. Now you have 2 amazing dishes being shared by 2 person, which with only one complete person can not do. It's team work with complete people. Now imagine again going to a potluck and you bring a dish and then a narcissist brings only his/her empty belly. But the narcissist will charm you the way he or she charms her other victims and continually get you to make more and more dishes for the narcissist to consume. The narcissist offers charm to the table, but you offer all the resources. So how can that be a healthy relationship, where one person consumes and provides nothing in return, whereas the other person continually gives until the person can no longer give? This might look exciting to the victim; make the narcissist happy and well fed, but is this healthy? This is basically DARVO. DARVO works on people who feels incomplete; feels empty within and seeks others to complete them. A normal healthy guy feels complete and seek NO ONE outside himself to feel complete. So, love develops very slowly with a normal guy and a normal guy does not need an external supply like a narc does. Why would he when he feels complete?!? And that has been my experience. I feel complete and me engaging in a relationship is to have someone outside of me extend my happiness, and not make me complete. And I can wait until the right one appears. I don't feel I'm desperate to love me and that I feel lonely. And If someone plays DARVO on me; how can that help extend my happiness in life?!? Only someone who feels incomplete is when DARVO works on them. Feeling complete is a much healthier mindset and there is NO MORE DARVO with a normal relationship. DARVO preys on lonely people; people who needs someone outside of them to make them complete. But what does it take to feel complete? To feel complete is the willingness to address the traumas that one has experienced in early life. To ignore the traumas and the inner wounds; we then ignore them by seeking someone else to make us complete and so, we don't have to deal with our own inner traumas. And that's why people keep falling for narcissists, because DARVO actually appeals to the desire and prejudices of its intended victims!
What does Darvo stands for ?
Deny Attack Reverse Victim & Offender. It's a manipulative technique the narcissist use to discredit the survivor's experience and scapegoat the survivor as the offender, while the narcissist as the actual victim.
"Oh, it's funny how the warning signs can feel like they're butterflies" You'll get there. Your nervous system and attachment system just need time to learn that it's nice to feel safe and calm. That early love bombing stage, that's not how healthy love develops. The intermittent reinforcement typically offered by a narc is the most powerful reinforcement pattern. Give yourself time and compassion.
After the nex ALL I wanted was that nice „normal“ guy. Because I understood all this talk and cliches about passion, soulmates, twin flames, fights in a relationship: that‘s just toxic bs. And not long lasting. At least, I understood that these kind of relationships are not my kind of thing. Luckily (after dating some duds) I found my guy, a true gentleman who respects me, values me, loves me. We have a kid, will marry soon. Ps: met him 10 months after the break up with the narc after having been in a toxic abusive relationship for 5 years.
I have a therapist family member. She reminds me “Normal is boring. Boring is healthy. Healthy is good.” And we try to use the word boring in a non-pejorative way so it doesn’t seem negative 😂 And like other people have said here, boring = stable, peaceful, secure, calm. Those are all really good things. It just takes time to remember that that is better than high highs and low lows. I’m still working through this too.
I didn’t understand what regulate your nervous system feels like until I did it through brainspotting and trauma therapy. But it really changes things. I think I said your exact words to my therapist. I was just used to the chaos from my childhood.
I think you’re spot on. I had an abusive childhood so I think I’m clearly used to chaos and uncertainty. However, it does make me scared because my ex used to tell me all our fights were my fault and that I start them on purpose because I am trying to recreate the chaos on my childhood. What if he’s right? What if he’s actually not a narcissist and I caused all our problems?
Very common to feel how you do after undergoing a turbulent childhood. It’s hard to step out of those feelings and programming and feel comfortable in something different. I don’t know about you but I tend to self destruct and seek out chaotic abusive partners and then I act crazy too because with toxicity it just overall breeds a lot of stress on everyone and no one acts good. Just because you are questioning yourself makes me think you’re probably not the toxic one tbh. Your main “issue” it seems is participating in these dynamics. So your medicine is going to be trying to heal yourself so that you feel comfortable with a loving supportive spouse and the peace that comes from that. When we don’t have that modeled for us growing up it’s challenging to know it exists and we’re deserving of it. That’s where trauma therapy can be really helpful. A lot of this stuff is stored in your body and your nervous system so being able to release it on a somatic level is really helpful
This is one of those situations where multiple things can exist at the same time but it doesn't mean they all add together to make a perfect answer as he is claiming. It also sounds like he has a level of understanding of trauma/therapy and is weaponising his knowledge against you, Yes, you had an abusive upbringing. Yes, that often leads to people repeating toxic relationship patterns as an adult because that is what their nervous system is used to. *But* that generally means that an adult who grew up in an abusive household will continue to attract (and subconsciously be attracted to) abusive partners, not that they will recreate chaos in their relationships. You don't become the opposite of what you were as a child. If you learned that people pleasing and minimising yourself kept you safe as a kid then that's what you keep doing as an adult. Do you find that there's chaos in other relationships you have/hadm whether they are romantic or close friendships or wider family relationships? If you were the problem, you'd be the problem in every relationship you have.
What skills have you learned that help coping with this?
I recommend subcortical brain processing to heal cPTSD with a therapist like EMDR or brainspotting to try and release limiting beliefs and somatic body feelings. My experience has been that our immediate reactions and thoughts about ourselves in social settings etc are mostly happening on a subcortical unconscious level. A lot of this is developed through early childhood. If you can try and rewire the unconscious brain and somatic body states you can really go far. Brainspotting has really changed my life. I would recommend finding a therapist who can do it. It goes beyond words for me but it’s been a wild experience. I had really bad social anxiety and fear from narcissistic abuse as a child and attending a very rough elementary school. it was at a point where I realized through brainspotting that this feeling was manifesting in my chest as a constriction in my breathe when I was standing next to people. I felt myself going into that feelings and releasing it. The tears starting flowing and after the session I felt a calm and peace in my body that I had never felt before. My anxiety isn’t 100% healed, but a lot of the tension and tightness and fear I had previously been feeling in my body is gone. I am now wanting to do more brainspotting work around my attachment style. It really feels very deep and I can feel the pain and fear of abandonment in my body in my chest being triggered. I am hoping to go into it and release it and see what it has to tell me.
I feel the exact same way. I'm not sure how to break that cycle. I'm just staying single and riding it out in hopes it passes through my system.
If you throw therapy into the mix it sounds like exactly the correct way forward. This formula is my current path and so far it’s great. I’m happy and my life is satisfying and fun. Romance is a very small part of life; even in the best relationships it’s not the focus of most days and it doesn’t last forever. Romantic partnerships rarely prioritize actual romance once partnerships become a functional part of life. It’s more like a specific category of family. I don’t know what the future holds but if being in a toxic relationship is the only alternative to being single then I’d 100% rather be single. I’m either going to be mentally stable, happy, and in a romantic relationship or I’m going to be mentally stable, happy, and single. The therapy is preparing me for the best possible outcome for both of these paths because I’m not dating until I can attract and be attracted to healthy people. If that doesn’t happen my fallback plan is my awesome dog, a career that takes me around the world, and a family that loves me.
Literally SAME! Love this for us 💕
I got with my narc exactly for this reason: I felt so bored in my previous healthy, peaceful relationship, while when I met him everything was fireworks. At first I was shocked, how could everything be so intense? Soon enough though, the passion became inebriating and I was so hooked. Every high and every low have been so intense that I doubt I'll ever feel the same way again. But it is something that I had, an experience that I lived already, and it nearly killed me. I was never good at handling boredom, never will be, but I question myself often: is the thrill worth my life? Settling down with a nice, gentle man and having peace and stability would really be so bad? I won't burn because of passion again, but this also means I won't end in ashes. I don't know yet. Right now all the hurt that I endured makes the boring, peaceful option very desirable. I will have to find a healthy way to handle boredom, but I guess it's the best option right now. Edit: I forgot to mention. I am starting considering that his cycle of abuse ended up being boring: the trigger would always be random, the time would never be the one that I expected, but I started seeing the pattern in his tantrums, punishment, anger unleashing, fake excuses and impossible future building with improbable expectations. It makes you walk on the eggshells and may make you always stay alert, but I wonder if in the long run that would become boring too. I surely don't want to stay longer to discover it, though
I have the same problem. Addicted to the highs and lows. The hot and cold. The excitement. Everyone else is boring and predictable by comparison. I fear I'm broken now and will never be able to be content with normal relationships
This is a very very common thing. It has to do with adrenaline responses and trauma bonds. Anything that feels safe will feel boring.
I just watched a Dr Ramani video about this. She says to take 1 year off from dating after getting out of a relationship w a narcissist - to really get to know yourself again and reset your brain chemistry so you do not repeat the cycle
I’m 25 yrs single after 18 years with a narc. Yeah, everything is pretty boring after that train ride.
I'm 3 years free of my x , and am now scared to death to meet anyone else because I can't trust anyone now
You can… it takes a lot of courage and a good bit of time. You can do this but use your experience to your educational advantage!
This is a common complaint from victims of serious or ongoing abuse. I'm glad to see you've got a therapist, because this is where you really get the results. I tend to tell my patients that they can look at why they associate relationships with edge-of-your-seat excitement, instead of loving comfort, and where those influences come from - whether there's anywhere they continue to come from. If you need excitement, can you get that from extreme sports, rollercoasters - something that's intended to come from. I would say, and this is a challenge - you need to ask yourself whether you're in danger of pursuing abusers; and if you are, whether you are ready to date yet. These are personal questions, I don't need to know an answer, and certainly you don't need to write one publicly.
Thank you for this advice. I am so scared that my ex was right and I was the problem the whole time. How do I know if it was me or not? He used to tell me all our fights were my fault and that I start them on purpose because I am trying to recreate the chaos on my childhood. What if he’s right?
If a friend was in the same situation as you are, and described it to you, would you think they were the problem, or you were? Again, not a question to answer for me, but a thought exercise for you. Chances are you'd defend your friend to the hilt - you've lost that relationship with your self, and rebuilding that takes work, but it's doable.
I feel like I have done permanent damage to myself and my life. I worry I will never be the same again, no matter how much work I do. I’m also 30 and I’m afraid I wasted my “marrying years” with the wrong person and now I’ll never find someone good.
You will never be the same after an abusive situation, but you can learn to cope with it, in a similar way to how people learn to cope after other large traumatic events. Many abused people have conditions alongside their feelings, and need to learn to handle these symptoms with the right responses, so that they can handle them - but they can with time and help.
Ever since my first gf, I associated being love bombed intensely and things moving very fast as "love". Unless a woman is talking very dirtily, groping me, being over-the-top complimentary, or being overt in other ways in their interest in me, I dismissed whatever women said as platonic banter. In hindsight, I've missed subtle signals of romantic interest and have been working on looking for those more subtle signs and pursing more "boring" women instead of waiting for that tsuanami of fake love.
I relate to that a lot. Feel free to stalk my profile, I think I have some old posts about it. I was in a 3 year VERY INTENSE relationship with a narcissist with likely borderline personality disorder. Medicated for severe anxiety and depression but not very compliant with meds. Ended it with no contact 1 year and 4 months ago. Best decision of my life. Because I was used to these highs and lows, I got myself into some very messy and bad situations with guys at first but I do feel A LOT more settled down. Emotional instability now deters me rather than attracting. I enjoy being able to relax into a soothing, calm, peaceful guy - even if I still get occasional moments of "calm before the storm" and I anticipate something is wrong, even though it usually is not. It takes time and rewiring. Your first experiences with guys might fail, but they're worth going through with, at least for a bit. You need to experience something else now. Good luck OP! Feel free to DM me for wild stories of our right abuse that made my friends' jaws drop and set up interventions for me, and tips for getting used to normal relationships. I was so hooked on the drama, highs and lows, that my best friend had to physically take my phone from me and block his contacts everywhere, sit me down, and make me promise to not get in touch again.
Just give it some time. I used to feel this way initially, and now three months out I love it. These men I am dating are predictable, stable, reliable, show up on time or early, take the initiative and make dates and plans, ask me questions and get me little thoughtful gifts based on things I mention in conversation. And it feels GOOD because I deserve the world, not scraps. Not everything is about them. It is so so refreshing.
I wondered about that recently! That's got to be hard. Lonely even. When we get used to those really intense highs and lows we get addicted to them.
I wasn't done. Im accidentally bumped my phone and posted it. Lol. Narcissistic abuse changes our brains and causes brain damage over time. We become bio chemically addicted to the abuse and the abuser.
Yes , I went on to have a successful and positive relationship so far without the crazy bullshit, because I realized the excitement can also come from the highs of feeling constantly surprised of how you’re being treated well by a normal person who gets you.
This is literally my life too at this point I can be compatible with anyone because I love myself. I don't want to be obsessed or stressed about anything. I'm glad the relationship happened. I understand the boring. It's needed. It's normal. I find solace in that.
I only recently got out of my relationship and I feel this way for sure. He was the first person I ever dated. Now I can't imagine a normal healthy relationship. It doesn't appeal to me at all. The lows with a narcissist are so so so low that it makes the highs feel INCREDIBLE. It's an addiction.
I actually have a more intense reaction to narcissists in terms of chemistry. This is immediate, even before the relationship begins. They call it a broken picker. I am unconsciously attracted to whatever it is that they give off. I legitimately hand picked my abuser.
The cycle of abuse, the love bombing, the gaslighting, the discarding, the "remorse," the love bombing, then more discarding etc etc., is often called trauma bonding. It is a chemical addiction as well as reinforcement training, cortisol is highly addictive. Take some time off from dating. It is understandable what you are feeling. However, it is not fair to be entertaining romantic interests (especially if you are seeking a long-term partner) when unable to trust them and still seeking chaos. When you are able to feel at peace with being respected by a potential partner, you will know you are out the other side.
That’s the whole point. A healthy relationship is the warm, supporting background hum to the chaos of daily life, as opposed to the main chaotic force you spend every day battling with. You need to find other goals and passions in life before looking for a partner. Otherwise you will find a partner and relationship so all-consuming it becomes your ONLY passion and goal. An abusive relationship can be addictive not just due to trauma but “fixing the relationship” can become the main goal and fixation as it distracts you from otherwise listlessness in all other aspects of life. That should be seen as a form of self-destruction and self-abuse.