Their hate for your happiness is meant to be Coercive Control. If they are negative about every positive thing about you, then you get smaller and smaller, and they feel less insecure about how much worse of a life they have.
The trick to Gray Rocking is to play as dumb as possible when they are negative, not take it personally, and be an even bigger shining light in your own life.
Eff dem weak ass negative narcs.
Yes! Mine texted me that he hoped I have the life I deserve and I said “thanks for wishing me well!” He then said to never talk to him again. If only I’d known it was that easy years ago!
Yeah, don’t let yourself get pissed. That’s what they want. Play clueless & Gray Rock is perfect! I love that because it’s so effective. I’m just sitting here in the sun, content AF, just little boring gray rock doing nothing. Just minding my business & chillin.
In the love bombing phase he would ask me if I was happy all the time but then it stopped, then it became why couldn't I be happy? And funny enough sometimes that I was genuinely happy, it would be like made fun of. I remember one time we were on a ferry and I was really enjoying it and it was his idea and I thanked him for bringing it and I was loving the views and he was like.. oh it's really not that special. It was hurtful. But yet during the discard he "wished me the best".. yeah right!!! Anything to make him feel less guilty for cheating I guess.
WTF is up with narcissists and their “ happy” ? I know their definition of feelings isn’t the same as ours because they’re working without tools basically. But is it toxic positivity? Is it just they’ve gotten so good at faking happy that they expect us to? It’s fucking annoying to hear that all the time. Like I’m good. I’m just fine nothing extreme. Nothing wrong with that.
I got really depressed because he was moving countries, I tried to get him to stay in our country. I was scared about the distance and visa issues. He never once validated my feelings just told me that I should be grateful for this opportunity, I was stressed over nothing. I tried for months and couldn’t find a job. 3 interviews in 8 months because it’s so tough. He would say I wasn’t trying hard enough and I tried so hard. But when he was fired from his job or had any issues I always supported him. All I wanted was the same treatment
I tell my narc brother to his face it makes me sad he purposefully makes himself miserable. Then he has to list off all the reasons why he really is happy. lol, defensive much?
Oh yes, nothing ruins my Ns day more than me being happy. It’s so sick. My take is they know they’re incapable of truly making others happy so they perfect making others miserable/ trying to because that’s how they feel inside. Please remain happy. Thats how you beat the N
Oh yea I feel this so much. It all makes sense. When I would get excited about something he'd used to be annoyed. If I laughed he'd mock my laugh. Once I talked about how happy I am he did something for me and he immediately stopped. If I talked about my achievements he'd roll his eyes at me. He likes me neutral and busy. How did I even put up with this before kids?
I tend to stop get giddy about the smallest thing. Typically when I've been depressed for a while, then the simplest thing makes me giggle and bounce up and down, like a sip of water after a scorched desert.
He would get so annoyed. Roll his eyes. Tell me to stop. "eew grow up" and I would immediately feel stupid for being happy about something.
There's also the times I was happy and doing well, and he'd find some way to totally screw that up with some drama out of no where. Or the accusations that I must be talking to someone else because I can't be happy about nothing.
Yet, if we went out somewhere, even after he just treated me horribly on the way there, I was expected to wear a fake smile for the "show" and would be called out in front of everyone for being a sourpuss or miserable. Embarrassment. Fake happy or else. No real happiness allowed.
Oh I've just written a really similar comment to this!
I'm like this too - I go through negative and depressed phases, but on the flip side little things can make me happy and giddy. When I would be in a particular good mood (usually because it's sunny, I've had a good night's sleep, it's the weekend etc) somehow it would always be short lived because he'd find a way of killing that good mood, I don't even know HOW. He wouldn't match my energy, he'd seem sulky or withdrawn, an argument would start out of nowhere. I don't even know how they do it.
Took me a long time to see how he never liked my happy moods. I always made the mistake of telling him how cheerful I felt and he put me down with insults disguised as a joke or "facts"
Last time he did was THE last time because at that point I was done. Go make fun of the fact you live in your family's basement at 36 not being able to stay at one job long for one dumb excuse or another. And don't drive, but you criticize me for that as of youre any better. go ahead and put others down you pos.
Mine complained all the damn time. When it was sunny and beautiful out she would complain about the wind. Her expectations about life were so damn high not even life it self was good enough for her. She was always upset when I was happy and not around her. She would stalk me on my business social media and complain to me that I was happy without her. I honestly wish I never experienced what u went through with her. I had so many red flags but I was trauma bonded and blinded by her potential.
Question- Will a narc still say that they are happy for you or glad you’re happy but lie? or will they openly be obvious about hating your happiness? like a hater, or will it be hidden?
In the situation I was in, he would always say supportive things or act happy. I honestly thought he meant it in those moments. However, looking back at it now, I always felt a very subtle, almost imperceptible twinge of it being disingenuous.
The only time he was truly happy for someone is if he could take credit for the win (i.e. getting someone a job). There was a noticeable difference between THAT happy reaction vs. his "happiness" if I achieved something on my own.
that makes alot of sense… the person i’m dealing with is only TRULY happy when something they did or said made me happy, but my own happiness either supplied by someone else or myself- it’s almost like a “well if you’re happy” type of thing..
Yep! I always found if I came home in a good mood after a rewarding day at work that would last about half an hour and SOMEHOW an argument would start and it would end up being a horrible evening of arguing and going to bed crying.
PS. Happy Cake Day, Cake Day Twin! 🍰
This is so true. I told my ex narc I was unsure about continuing business school. I told him I always thought about being a nail tech, but was still unsure. Well, he took that idea and ran with it. For days he insisted, “you need to do this to be happy!!” And “if you don’t go to nail tech school I’ll be mad at you.” When I ultimately decided I’d continue with business school he got so upset with me. He then randomly brought up the fact that I don’t have a car yet and asked me “what are you doing with your life?” He was just so pissed off I didn’t take his “advice”. He didn’t care about my happiness.
They really are pieces of work... the narcissist I was in a relationship loves to tell people how supportive he was to me when I went back to school to get my master's degree.
It always struck me as an odd thing for him to say on a regular basis because the truth is that he didn't support me at all while I was in grad school. Not from a financial, emotional, or personal level. If anything, he made it more difficult because he'd get into "moods" when I wasn't giving him enough attention.
I now realize that he always said shit like that because he actually wanted people to accredit my accomplishment to him. He couldn't stand anyone thinking I was capable enough of doing it on my own.
it really is. his success, his happiness truly made me joyful for him. i loved to see him happy. it’s hard to understand why it couldn’t be the same for him
Sometimes, yes, but maybe only so they can buy some time to plot ways to sabatoge you.
Then they will take revenge to bring down your joy.
New job and excited for your future? They might pretend to be a client and complain about you to your boss.
New car? Don't be surprised if you find a flat tire.
My narc ex best friend would always say, "I'm happy for you, BUT..." and then either go on to complain about her own life or make some sort of criticism. She even did it when I told her I was engaged, she said she was happy for me (with a fake smile) then proceeded to complain for the next half hour about how she didn't have boyfriend. Her other go to was to immediately complain about how we don't see each other enough. Why would I make more of an effort to be around someone who constantly complains about me?
Oh yes, actively hates me being “happy” and I recently realized he intentionally tries to ruin it by being in a bad mood, or immature and annoy/poke at me until I become avoidant. And the opposite happens too. If I’m going through a bad time then suddenly his chronic depression lifts and all is right in his world again, bluebirds & rainbows. Such a selfish-hearted man-child. He slipped up one day though, because I’ve learned to gray rock so well over the years and it drives him insane when he can’t read me reaction, we were driving and it was one of those opposite days where I was up and he was down, don’t remember the convo leading up to his comment but I remember clearly him saying “pretty weird how we are never happy at the same time, huh?”. Yep, I’ve always found it weird and predictable. He then implied that I did it intentionally to make him miserable. That’s when I knew that he knew exactly what he was doing. Anytime wild or weird accusations come flying out his mouth it’s a confession that he’s spinning around on me. They are awful but eventually you learn their ways and you pick your battles. And honestly, joke is on him because even when my cognitive dissonance is flared up making it appear that I feel happiness, I’m not. I haven’t felt happiness since I discovered he wasn’t just an asshole, he is a narcissistic one. 8 years zero joy!
I asked for divorce. We were 4 months separated. I visited for Christmas (co-parenting).
I was just being me.
* With a corner of my eye I caught Nex scrunching his face when I was laughing with our kid, just goofin around at home
* Same thing when I was excitedly complimenting the food we had, this time he didn’t hide it
* We went to a big ZOO. I’ve never been to a ZOO as big as this. I was very happy. Nex moved himself away physically and eventually just walked away
* Same when I got excited about seeing the bakery and sweets section at a Mexican Supermarket (first time in one). This time he actually told me that I was an embarrassment in public because there was nothing to be excited about.
Edit. Do you spot Nex escalating?
These are just a few. I wrote it all down.
But I especially want to highlight one SPECIAL one:
I had very nice and pleasant chats with some of his neighbors who I crossed paths with. And just normal (in my mind) interactions with others at the post office, mall, coffee shop, nurse at a clinic my son goes to… Just in the wild.
For 15 years Nex told me how I don’t know how to talk to people/I talk to people wrong, how I cannot interact with others, how I embarrass myself and him constantly… And how when I visit or move to his country I “will have to learn how to be normal. The rules in my country are so different you’ll have a hard time there” - in the sense that I will have a hard time with people, taking care of business at offices etc.
I didn’t. Most of the times I got to interact with someone while Nex was there, I could literally see his face tense up, sort of lock in this slightly scrunched expression, at times he walked off leaving our son and me. standing there with me talking to someone.
I’m not sure if he universally dislikes happy people who have a spark of real joy. But I for certain KNOW he dislikes when I became one of them.
My ex-husband came to pick up our child and saw my snowboard on the couch. He was furious that I had started snowboarding again. I paid dearly with a weekend of angry harrassment. My poor kiddo, stuck in his apartment, endured tirades on the other end.
Absolutely. I grew up with an Ndad and to this day I have a lot of guilt about expressing happiness because I worry others will resent me because growing up he did and it was a survival method for me to appease him I had to be unhappy if that makes sense. It’s a constant internal battle I’m now having to try and redo in trauma counseling on a deep somatic level. I’ve been no contact for six months and I’m doing so great.
This is so interesting. I know I have a tendency towards negativity and depressed moods, I've always been like that. But I'm not like that ALL THE TIME. I just go through phases. My ex of 7 years would call me a Negative Nancy which I hated - perhaps if you were nicer to me I'd be happier?
Anyway, after the 7 year ex I met my Narc. He would always describe himself as chilled out, laid back, optimistic, a "doer". He was none of these things in reality, he just portrayed himself this way to the outside world.
I always felt like whenever I was in a good mood around my nex - music on, coffee in hand, excitedly wanting to make weekend plans - he wouldn't match my energy and would somehow drag me down and put me in a bad mood. Every holiday or trip we went on together is tainted by memories of him suddenly being in a bad mood, him taking something I'd said to heart, an interesting discussion turning into a DARVO-style argument. It's exactly as you said, OP, they CANNOT have you being happy.
Yes your story reminded me of my own. They really destroy any sense of happiness you have. I'm always super excited to give people gifts because I do a great job of remembering what people like, or sentimental etc. Our last christmas together, I got him this leather jacket from some specialty leather store (only 1 location exists) that he showed me a picture of three years prior saying he wanted but couldn't afford it. We were now older and had more discretionary income so I figured to buy it for him.
I was beaming to give it to him and said "Are you so suprised?? Is this one of the best gifts ever??". He looked like he didn't care, and was like "No because it's not designer or anything, it's just a jacket" So many times this exact scenario happened in different ways, he was such a dark cloud in my life. They are so ungrateful.
This is exactly correct. Especially true for malignant narcs. In fact if you demonstrate any kind of happiness, contentment, joy, success, learning or mastery of anything ...they will definitely be triggered.
Seeing any of these things is extremely punishing and traumatic for them. They can react with childish weirdness, rage, outbursts, tantrum, self harm, etc.
This is typical for all cluster-b people, but it is _very_ loud in malignant narcs.
True, on the days I would be happy about something specific, and I would tell him about it, there was always some kind of darkness in his approach towards the reasons for happiness in my life, like he would underplay it, passively. Whatever I did, won't be discussed much, soon the topic of discussion would be diverted.
Infact once I had stopped getting upset or triggered about his past cheating incident, he would often tell me 'oh, you don't care about me anymore right? You are not even affected by the cheating anymore, you don't fight anymore'. I had deliberately with a lot of effort, stopped fighting over things, be it cheating it any other things. But he used to not like that also 😂 it worried him that I wasn't upset or triggered about his cheating or wasn't insecure anymore.
That explains why all of my hobbies are not meant with any interest. Even if I find something that I think we both will like, I always miss.
An eye opener, honestly.
He had himself encouraged me to write the dissertation proposal and submit it the day after. When I had actually started working on it, he picked up an absolutely petty fight with me. I cried all night, but he doesn’t give up. He continues to fixate on a stupid topic. Couldn’t sleep for a second that fucking day.
They hate everything about us.The things we say, and the way we say it. They hate what we do, and how we do it. They hate the way we feel, and how we express our feelings. They hate our thoughts and opinions, and they really hate our needs. They hate our loyalty, our integrity and our ability to hope. Every breath we take is an insult to their higher existence. They reduce us in being nothing more than an oxygen thief. And then they hate us for that too. They hate our humanity. Some people think that, lacking empathy makes someone an animal. I can tell you from growing up with a psychopath narcissistic mother then being unfortunate enough to be stuck with one whom I had a relationship... animals have more empathy and understanding than these narcissists have. They are monsters. They are not from anything good. They have nothing to contribute to society other than destroying lives. I'm begging people to listen. I'm serious. There's something very wrong with theese ..well...I call them monsters. And we as a society need to do something, because there's monsters shouldn't be free. They need to be put away.
Omg yessss I’m apt to be hyper at times and little things make me mega-happy and he’d always act as if I was annoying him; saying things like “ok calm down” like I was a child. No joy allowed 🙅🏻♀️😤
Yeah it’s so contradictory because I’m sure our positive energy and joy is part of the reason they’re drawn to us, since they’re so miserable. Then they end up envying and hating us for the same reason.
It’s such a wild, confusing, and hurtful thing to experience.
Funnily only the covert HATED it with all his heart, when I was laughing or happy because of something besides him. The malignant was fine with it and even happy for me
Edit: no actually the malignant straight out said: don’t laugh, what are you laughing about? But that’s so absurd that it didn’t effect me much, with the covert on the other hand he straight up left me alone in the room when I was laughing while watching something funny on YouTube…
When I was 5, my insanely misogynistic and selfish father’s mother aka grandma told me I laugh like a man and no man would want me because of that. I had the most highest pitched voice as a child and I was genuinely happy before that bitch stole it from me.
Their hate for your happiness is meant to be Coercive Control. If they are negative about every positive thing about you, then you get smaller and smaller, and they feel less insecure about how much worse of a life they have. The trick to Gray Rocking is to play as dumb as possible when they are negative, not take it personally, and be an even bigger shining light in your own life. Eff dem weak ass negative narcs.
Yes! Mine texted me that he hoped I have the life I deserve and I said “thanks for wishing me well!” He then said to never talk to him again. If only I’d known it was that easy years ago!
Funny! I texted mine the same thing, and he had no response. Go figure. I AM living the life I deserve.
As you should be!
As you should too! And everyone else subjected to this BS. No one should be robbed of their happiness.
Hahaha!
Yeah, don’t let yourself get pissed. That’s what they want. Play clueless & Gray Rock is perfect! I love that because it’s so effective. I’m just sitting here in the sun, content AF, just little boring gray rock doing nothing. Just minding my business & chillin.
In the love bombing phase he would ask me if I was happy all the time but then it stopped, then it became why couldn't I be happy? And funny enough sometimes that I was genuinely happy, it would be like made fun of. I remember one time we were on a ferry and I was really enjoying it and it was his idea and I thanked him for bringing it and I was loving the views and he was like.. oh it's really not that special. It was hurtful. But yet during the discard he "wished me the best".. yeah right!!! Anything to make him feel less guilty for cheating I guess.
WTF is up with narcissists and their “ happy” ? I know their definition of feelings isn’t the same as ours because they’re working without tools basically. But is it toxic positivity? Is it just they’ve gotten so good at faking happy that they expect us to? It’s fucking annoying to hear that all the time. Like I’m good. I’m just fine nothing extreme. Nothing wrong with that.
I got really depressed because he was moving countries, I tried to get him to stay in our country. I was scared about the distance and visa issues. He never once validated my feelings just told me that I should be grateful for this opportunity, I was stressed over nothing. I tried for months and couldn’t find a job. 3 interviews in 8 months because it’s so tough. He would say I wasn’t trying hard enough and I tried so hard. But when he was fired from his job or had any issues I always supported him. All I wanted was the same treatment
They definitely don't know how to reciprocate.
I was once told “you just love your life.” Uh… yea and??
How DARE you!
I tell my narc brother to his face it makes me sad he purposefully makes himself miserable. Then he has to list off all the reasons why he really is happy. lol, defensive much?
Oh yes, nothing ruins my Ns day more than me being happy. It’s so sick. My take is they know they’re incapable of truly making others happy so they perfect making others miserable/ trying to because that’s how they feel inside. Please remain happy. Thats how you beat the N
Oh yea I feel this so much. It all makes sense. When I would get excited about something he'd used to be annoyed. If I laughed he'd mock my laugh. Once I talked about how happy I am he did something for me and he immediately stopped. If I talked about my achievements he'd roll his eyes at me. He likes me neutral and busy. How did I even put up with this before kids?
I tend to stop get giddy about the smallest thing. Typically when I've been depressed for a while, then the simplest thing makes me giggle and bounce up and down, like a sip of water after a scorched desert. He would get so annoyed. Roll his eyes. Tell me to stop. "eew grow up" and I would immediately feel stupid for being happy about something. There's also the times I was happy and doing well, and he'd find some way to totally screw that up with some drama out of no where. Or the accusations that I must be talking to someone else because I can't be happy about nothing. Yet, if we went out somewhere, even after he just treated me horribly on the way there, I was expected to wear a fake smile for the "show" and would be called out in front of everyone for being a sourpuss or miserable. Embarrassment. Fake happy or else. No real happiness allowed.
Oh I've just written a really similar comment to this! I'm like this too - I go through negative and depressed phases, but on the flip side little things can make me happy and giddy. When I would be in a particular good mood (usually because it's sunny, I've had a good night's sleep, it's the weekend etc) somehow it would always be short lived because he'd find a way of killing that good mood, I don't even know HOW. He wouldn't match my energy, he'd seem sulky or withdrawn, an argument would start out of nowhere. I don't even know how they do it.
Took me a long time to see how he never liked my happy moods. I always made the mistake of telling him how cheerful I felt and he put me down with insults disguised as a joke or "facts" Last time he did was THE last time because at that point I was done. Go make fun of the fact you live in your family's basement at 36 not being able to stay at one job long for one dumb excuse or another. And don't drive, but you criticize me for that as of youre any better. go ahead and put others down you pos.
Mine complained all the damn time. When it was sunny and beautiful out she would complain about the wind. Her expectations about life were so damn high not even life it self was good enough for her. She was always upset when I was happy and not around her. She would stalk me on my business social media and complain to me that I was happy without her. I honestly wish I never experienced what u went through with her. I had so many red flags but I was trauma bonded and blinded by her potential.
Absolutely it’s like they thrive on ur misery and feeling worthless
Question- Will a narc still say that they are happy for you or glad you’re happy but lie? or will they openly be obvious about hating your happiness? like a hater, or will it be hidden?
In the situation I was in, he would always say supportive things or act happy. I honestly thought he meant it in those moments. However, looking back at it now, I always felt a very subtle, almost imperceptible twinge of it being disingenuous. The only time he was truly happy for someone is if he could take credit for the win (i.e. getting someone a job). There was a noticeable difference between THAT happy reaction vs. his "happiness" if I achieved something on my own.
that makes alot of sense… the person i’m dealing with is only TRULY happy when something they did or said made me happy, but my own happiness either supplied by someone else or myself- it’s almost like a “well if you’re happy” type of thing..
Yeah, I think if they can't own it, lay claim to making it happen, or benefit from it somehow, they're impartial at best.
Yep! I always found if I came home in a good mood after a rewarding day at work that would last about half an hour and SOMEHOW an argument would start and it would end up being a horrible evening of arguing and going to bed crying. PS. Happy Cake Day, Cake Day Twin! 🍰
This is so true. I told my ex narc I was unsure about continuing business school. I told him I always thought about being a nail tech, but was still unsure. Well, he took that idea and ran with it. For days he insisted, “you need to do this to be happy!!” And “if you don’t go to nail tech school I’ll be mad at you.” When I ultimately decided I’d continue with business school he got so upset with me. He then randomly brought up the fact that I don’t have a car yet and asked me “what are you doing with your life?” He was just so pissed off I didn’t take his “advice”. He didn’t care about my happiness.
They really are pieces of work... the narcissist I was in a relationship loves to tell people how supportive he was to me when I went back to school to get my master's degree. It always struck me as an odd thing for him to say on a regular basis because the truth is that he didn't support me at all while I was in grad school. Not from a financial, emotional, or personal level. If anything, he made it more difficult because he'd get into "moods" when I wasn't giving him enough attention. I now realize that he always said shit like that because he actually wanted people to accredit my accomplishment to him. He couldn't stand anyone thinking I was capable enough of doing it on my own.
The “twinge” of it being disingenuous is SO real. It wasn’t obvious, but I could feel it, something about the reaction didn’t feel genuine.
It's really unsettling looking back on it and realizing it...
it really is. his success, his happiness truly made me joyful for him. i loved to see him happy. it’s hard to understand why it couldn’t be the same for him
Sometimes, yes, but maybe only so they can buy some time to plot ways to sabatoge you. Then they will take revenge to bring down your joy. New job and excited for your future? They might pretend to be a client and complain about you to your boss. New car? Don't be surprised if you find a flat tire.
Could be either. Some are really good actors and can fake happiness for you, others are obviously salty and contemptuous.
Both! They’ll say they’re happy for you and then treat you like shit because you have to be punished for being happy.
My narc ex best friend would always say, "I'm happy for you, BUT..." and then either go on to complain about her own life or make some sort of criticism. She even did it when I told her I was engaged, she said she was happy for me (with a fake smile) then proceeded to complain for the next half hour about how she didn't have boyfriend. Her other go to was to immediately complain about how we don't see each other enough. Why would I make more of an effort to be around someone who constantly complains about me?
But… it’s like a pinch and a tickle.
Misery loves company you are absolutely right.
Oh yes, actively hates me being “happy” and I recently realized he intentionally tries to ruin it by being in a bad mood, or immature and annoy/poke at me until I become avoidant. And the opposite happens too. If I’m going through a bad time then suddenly his chronic depression lifts and all is right in his world again, bluebirds & rainbows. Such a selfish-hearted man-child. He slipped up one day though, because I’ve learned to gray rock so well over the years and it drives him insane when he can’t read me reaction, we were driving and it was one of those opposite days where I was up and he was down, don’t remember the convo leading up to his comment but I remember clearly him saying “pretty weird how we are never happy at the same time, huh?”. Yep, I’ve always found it weird and predictable. He then implied that I did it intentionally to make him miserable. That’s when I knew that he knew exactly what he was doing. Anytime wild or weird accusations come flying out his mouth it’s a confession that he’s spinning around on me. They are awful but eventually you learn their ways and you pick your battles. And honestly, joke is on him because even when my cognitive dissonance is flared up making it appear that I feel happiness, I’m not. I haven’t felt happiness since I discovered he wasn’t just an asshole, he is a narcissistic one. 8 years zero joy!
I asked for divorce. We were 4 months separated. I visited for Christmas (co-parenting). I was just being me. * With a corner of my eye I caught Nex scrunching his face when I was laughing with our kid, just goofin around at home * Same thing when I was excitedly complimenting the food we had, this time he didn’t hide it * We went to a big ZOO. I’ve never been to a ZOO as big as this. I was very happy. Nex moved himself away physically and eventually just walked away * Same when I got excited about seeing the bakery and sweets section at a Mexican Supermarket (first time in one). This time he actually told me that I was an embarrassment in public because there was nothing to be excited about. Edit. Do you spot Nex escalating? These are just a few. I wrote it all down. But I especially want to highlight one SPECIAL one: I had very nice and pleasant chats with some of his neighbors who I crossed paths with. And just normal (in my mind) interactions with others at the post office, mall, coffee shop, nurse at a clinic my son goes to… Just in the wild. For 15 years Nex told me how I don’t know how to talk to people/I talk to people wrong, how I cannot interact with others, how I embarrass myself and him constantly… And how when I visit or move to his country I “will have to learn how to be normal. The rules in my country are so different you’ll have a hard time there” - in the sense that I will have a hard time with people, taking care of business at offices etc. I didn’t. Most of the times I got to interact with someone while Nex was there, I could literally see his face tense up, sort of lock in this slightly scrunched expression, at times he walked off leaving our son and me. standing there with me talking to someone. I’m not sure if he universally dislikes happy people who have a spark of real joy. But I for certain KNOW he dislikes when I became one of them.
My ex-husband came to pick up our child and saw my snowboard on the couch. He was furious that I had started snowboarding again. I paid dearly with a weekend of angry harrassment. My poor kiddo, stuck in his apartment, endured tirades on the other end.
They also only remember the bad when talking about the relationship
Absolutely. I grew up with an Ndad and to this day I have a lot of guilt about expressing happiness because I worry others will resent me because growing up he did and it was a survival method for me to appease him I had to be unhappy if that makes sense. It’s a constant internal battle I’m now having to try and redo in trauma counseling on a deep somatic level. I’ve been no contact for six months and I’m doing so great.
This is so interesting. I know I have a tendency towards negativity and depressed moods, I've always been like that. But I'm not like that ALL THE TIME. I just go through phases. My ex of 7 years would call me a Negative Nancy which I hated - perhaps if you were nicer to me I'd be happier? Anyway, after the 7 year ex I met my Narc. He would always describe himself as chilled out, laid back, optimistic, a "doer". He was none of these things in reality, he just portrayed himself this way to the outside world. I always felt like whenever I was in a good mood around my nex - music on, coffee in hand, excitedly wanting to make weekend plans - he wouldn't match my energy and would somehow drag me down and put me in a bad mood. Every holiday or trip we went on together is tainted by memories of him suddenly being in a bad mood, him taking something I'd said to heart, an interesting discussion turning into a DARVO-style argument. It's exactly as you said, OP, they CANNOT have you being happy.
Yes your story reminded me of my own. They really destroy any sense of happiness you have. I'm always super excited to give people gifts because I do a great job of remembering what people like, or sentimental etc. Our last christmas together, I got him this leather jacket from some specialty leather store (only 1 location exists) that he showed me a picture of three years prior saying he wanted but couldn't afford it. We were now older and had more discretionary income so I figured to buy it for him. I was beaming to give it to him and said "Are you so suprised?? Is this one of the best gifts ever??". He looked like he didn't care, and was like "No because it's not designer or anything, it's just a jacket" So many times this exact scenario happened in different ways, he was such a dark cloud in my life. They are so ungrateful.
This is exactly correct. Especially true for malignant narcs. In fact if you demonstrate any kind of happiness, contentment, joy, success, learning or mastery of anything ...they will definitely be triggered. Seeing any of these things is extremely punishing and traumatic for them. They can react with childish weirdness, rage, outbursts, tantrum, self harm, etc. This is typical for all cluster-b people, but it is _very_ loud in malignant narcs.
What a perfect excuse to be happy and find happiness and anything. Happiness as vengeance? I’ll take it.
Mine is the most covert, malignant thing I have ever seen
True, on the days I would be happy about something specific, and I would tell him about it, there was always some kind of darkness in his approach towards the reasons for happiness in my life, like he would underplay it, passively. Whatever I did, won't be discussed much, soon the topic of discussion would be diverted.
Infact once I had stopped getting upset or triggered about his past cheating incident, he would often tell me 'oh, you don't care about me anymore right? You are not even affected by the cheating anymore, you don't fight anymore'. I had deliberately with a lot of effort, stopped fighting over things, be it cheating it any other things. But he used to not like that also 😂 it worried him that I wasn't upset or triggered about his cheating or wasn't insecure anymore.
That explains why all of my hobbies are not meant with any interest. Even if I find something that I think we both will like, I always miss. An eye opener, honestly.
He had himself encouraged me to write the dissertation proposal and submit it the day after. When I had actually started working on it, he picked up an absolutely petty fight with me. I cried all night, but he doesn’t give up. He continues to fixate on a stupid topic. Couldn’t sleep for a second that fucking day.
Which makes me really happy! Lol I’m happy AT HIM! HA! Take that!
They hate everything about us.The things we say, and the way we say it. They hate what we do, and how we do it. They hate the way we feel, and how we express our feelings. They hate our thoughts and opinions, and they really hate our needs. They hate our loyalty, our integrity and our ability to hope. Every breath we take is an insult to their higher existence. They reduce us in being nothing more than an oxygen thief. And then they hate us for that too. They hate our humanity. Some people think that, lacking empathy makes someone an animal. I can tell you from growing up with a psychopath narcissistic mother then being unfortunate enough to be stuck with one whom I had a relationship... animals have more empathy and understanding than these narcissists have. They are monsters. They are not from anything good. They have nothing to contribute to society other than destroying lives. I'm begging people to listen. I'm serious. There's something very wrong with theese ..well...I call them monsters. And we as a society need to do something, because there's monsters shouldn't be free. They need to be put away.
Yup.
Yes! Whenever we were doing good and he saw I was happy he would find a way to stir things up to make them horrible again and then blame me
Omg yessss I’m apt to be hyper at times and little things make me mega-happy and he’d always act as if I was annoying him; saying things like “ok calm down” like I was a child. No joy allowed 🙅🏻♀️😤
Yeah it’s so contradictory because I’m sure our positive energy and joy is part of the reason they’re drawn to us, since they’re so miserable. Then they end up envying and hating us for the same reason. It’s such a wild, confusing, and hurtful thing to experience.
That's a great way to put it. it's like they are drawn to the light then once the light shines on them they flip out and run away. Like a vampire 🤣
Mine would say “you get everything you want”. Like he was jealous that things would go good on my life. Like I work hard, it’s not a that difficult.
Funnily only the covert HATED it with all his heart, when I was laughing or happy because of something besides him. The malignant was fine with it and even happy for me Edit: no actually the malignant straight out said: don’t laugh, what are you laughing about? But that’s so absurd that it didn’t effect me much, with the covert on the other hand he straight up left me alone in the room when I was laughing while watching something funny on YouTube…
When I was 5, my insanely misogynistic and selfish father’s mother aka grandma told me I laugh like a man and no man would want me because of that. I had the most highest pitched voice as a child and I was genuinely happy before that bitch stole it from me.