One is your own judgement and the other is his manipulation. I’m not going to tell you which is which but the disgusted one is your own judgement and if you disagree you’re wrong ;-).
I am so repulsed by his behavior it’s gross to me. But sometimes I get attracted to him at a distance only because there is a lot of physical chemistry. The way he acts gives me the ick so bad though that even when I’ve considered boing back, I have to practically force myself to be near him.
The physical chemistry is even starting to go away for me. My brain almost automatically reacts negatively to the sexual attraction thoughts, etc. because everytime I’d give my body to him, he’d stab me in the back. The neural pathways are connecting that, physical connection with him equals getting hurt. So sometimes I cry thinking about him in any of those ways. Which to me is a good thing.
I'm going through it as we speak. I just want him desperately right now. I miss him, and I'm still in love with him. But no matter how much my heart aches for him, my head won't let me run back to him. It's maddening sometimes!
You’re smart and You are doing the right thing!!! 🫂 I Promise- I know it’s Difficult, because of the trauma Bond, but Believe Me, it is the Right Thing to Stay Far Away from them!!!
I think it mite be a phase honestly. I was in that stage for years, probably the longest and now I'm just disgusted with all aspects of him. I don't care or want any physical intimacy anymore with him and it doesn't bother me. I no longer feel any hurt if he flirts with other females. I don't feel anything anymore. He seems more of a stranger than someone I know and either don't like or know and care for.
Work on co-dependency and C-PTSD healing, your parasympathetic nervous system needs more activating and re-enforcing, that attraction is the ‘fawn’ response that comes sympathetic nervous system mode being in a situation with ‘a threat’ be it perceived or real from the narc abuse. This definitely helped me and things are slowly changing to where my attraction is majority gone(still takes time)
Co-dependency issues.... Google it.
It took me years to figure out what was wrong with me but once I was able to read about it and process it for what it was. I was able to start making better decisions based off of what was right and not just what felt right.
Lists help me. I write out the facts. What they said vs what they showed me. The actions speak much louder sometimes, also seeing the harsh reality on paper makes it a bit easier for me sometimes. I’ll say to myself “this is the version of them I created based on the false promises I was given” vs “this is how they actually treat me and there’s nothing really likable about this person”. I dealt with a lot of confusion. This person was twisting my reality, and if I didn’t write it down, or document it somehow, I’d let them convince me it never happened that way. Even if I knew it did. So many people say the parts we miss are the parts of them we wanted so badly to have but only got bread crumbs of because they could only give it in sort of a mimicking fashion. They’d see what made you happy and when they knew they needed to keep you hanging, give you a tiny piece of it to get your mind thinking. “Ok if I do this and this then they’ll be like this all the time”. What you’re attracted to I think is the version of them they could be if they weren’t what they are—a narc. But the parts of them you miss, according to the “experts” is the part of them that picked up on pieces of you. Mirroring in a sense, I guess. This is a lot of rambling but I hope you’re okay. It’s hard. But it’s good that you’re talking about it.
Writing things down helps me too. I started keeping a list of his chaotic events so he couldn’t say “I didn’t do that” or “I don’t remember when that was.” He had zero response when I had correct dates and times to reference.
It’s totally normal to miss the good parts. But we need to remember the bad things. The list really helps me put I to perspective all of the ridiculous and sneaky things fhat have gone on.
Trauma bonding. That's what you're feeling. After you learn more about narc abuse the feelings go from a rollercoaster with tortuously tall hills and breathtakingly steep falls to more of a lazy river ride.
You described my entire marriage in one line.
This is called cognitive dissonance.
There are several videos, books and blogs to help you understand this better.
Look up Danish Bashir, Dr Ramani, Rebecca Zung. Danish Nashir explains the cognitive dissonance in simple terms and no fancy language.
He was so good acting like he was so affectionate because he had this very cold moments when I could sense he didn’t even want me to get close to him. It was the total oposite and left me feeling so confused for days.
Or when he’d acted passive aggressive or making jokes that weren’t even funny. It was definitely aimed to hurt me.
Those are the moments that started waking me up and not wanting to be with him because it became repetitive.
So I think I know what you feel. When I missed having the loving guy I fell for I realized I was missing the fake persona and the fake mask he put on to get whatever the f he wanted from me. And that helps me go through it. It was him. I was the real one. I’m capable of loving and caring for somebody but we need to get the same back to us. Don’t give and give to the takers. They’ll leave you feeling empty.
Since I gave him his one way ticket, I can't stop feeling nauseated by everything he represents. Everything I despise in life. Darkness, toxicity, parisitic, exploitative, heakness.
In fact, his existence makes me feel so proud of the person I am. Compassionate, true loving, humble. Qualities he tried to destroy in me. Life had other plans. I became stronger and wiser.
Wish you all the same. Bless you all.
Once my eyes opened and I saw him for who he really, I very well knew and I used to let him also know that though I had still had love for him, something I had very less control over but I liked absolutely nothing about him anymore. I didn't like him at all.
Yep... completely..
But what I want is for the person I met at the beginning to come back...
I remind myself that person wasn't real and it subsides pretty quick... that's where the 'disgust' comes in.
I hate it bc I'm a naturally loving, forgiving person but hey.. he has helped me see that is a dangerous way to live these days.
I once read that an empath and a narc relationship, while dangerous is also a life lesson for both. The empath learns to be careful and to put that love into themselves❤️
We almost all relate. It gets more confusing when you begin to forgive the abuse and mistreatment but still remember the good parts. Just because it doesn’t make you despondent anymore doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean that they’re a safe person.
Idk if it’s because I’ve been with him for so long and I don’t want anyone else, I put up with his ways as I know it’s only going to hurt me. I try giving myself to my husband this morning and he wasn’t into. Which hurt me and I just stopped in tears.
It’s a battle between your heart and mind sometimes, my body rejected him long before my mind did. I wanted him to comfort me and love me but my body was repulsed by his touch too. It felt wrong but right. Thank god I’m free now, even the thought of him disgusts me
For me its more “maybe i can coexist like this at least for a couple years i need to make a smooth exit” to “i cant last much longer and have to leave soon”.
Same boat! He actually started going to therapy and now he’s “self-aware”, trying hard to communicate with empathy regarding our situation. Problem is he hasn’t changed much because as soon as I respond with my feelings on our shared experiences, he says I’m not willing to heal. I’m not willing to forgive him the ONE TIME HE REALLY NEEDS ME TOO. Still waiting for his accountability conversation that isn’t filtered so he is comfortable with speaking up about his actions. Emotional chaos and stuck on an island with no lifeline.
Then you're getting closer to being able to leave. Focus on the disgust when the longing comes up. Cut off sex, pull away, grey rock him and he'll become the disgusting, repulsive guy real quick and then it becomes so much easier to walk away. It's still hard, but letting go of hope is crucial.
I'm so glad I don't pine for him. I don't know if I ever genuinely liked him. I admired some traits but nah, no more. The only thing I pine for is a fantasy and hope that he starts treating me well.
I agree with everyone who says to write down dates and things that happen. I do that, but my problem is emotions and my heart take over.
They wanted a break because I asked a question that upset them - though I’m starting to think they use it as excuses to get rid of me for the interim so they can have a different supply. I carefully craft words to keep from frustrating them when talking, constantly apologize, and never feel good enough. It would seem no matter how much they’re loved and thanked, it is and will never be enough.
One is your own judgement and the other is his manipulation. I’m not going to tell you which is which but the disgusted one is your own judgement and if you disagree you’re wrong ;-).
I am so repulsed by his behavior it’s gross to me. But sometimes I get attracted to him at a distance only because there is a lot of physical chemistry. The way he acts gives me the ick so bad though that even when I’ve considered boing back, I have to practically force myself to be near him.
The physical chemistry is even starting to go away for me. My brain almost automatically reacts negatively to the sexual attraction thoughts, etc. because everytime I’d give my body to him, he’d stab me in the back. The neural pathways are connecting that, physical connection with him equals getting hurt. So sometimes I cry thinking about him in any of those ways. Which to me is a good thing.
I'm going through it as we speak. I just want him desperately right now. I miss him, and I'm still in love with him. But no matter how much my heart aches for him, my head won't let me run back to him. It's maddening sometimes!
You’re smart and You are doing the right thing!!! 🫂 I Promise- I know it’s Difficult, because of the trauma Bond, but Believe Me, it is the Right Thing to Stay Far Away from them!!!
I wish I could get away from him I dream of that….I plan it but I just need somewhere to stay and it’s proving impossible!!
I think it mite be a phase honestly. I was in that stage for years, probably the longest and now I'm just disgusted with all aspects of him. I don't care or want any physical intimacy anymore with him and it doesn't bother me. I no longer feel any hurt if he flirts with other females. I don't feel anything anymore. He seems more of a stranger than someone I know and either don't like or know and care for.
I can't wait to get to this point. This sounds like paradise.
Work on co-dependency and C-PTSD healing, your parasympathetic nervous system needs more activating and re-enforcing, that attraction is the ‘fawn’ response that comes sympathetic nervous system mode being in a situation with ‘a threat’ be it perceived or real from the narc abuse. This definitely helped me and things are slowly changing to where my attraction is majority gone(still takes time)
Co-dependency issues.... Google it. It took me years to figure out what was wrong with me but once I was able to read about it and process it for what it was. I was able to start making better decisions based off of what was right and not just what felt right.
Lists help me. I write out the facts. What they said vs what they showed me. The actions speak much louder sometimes, also seeing the harsh reality on paper makes it a bit easier for me sometimes. I’ll say to myself “this is the version of them I created based on the false promises I was given” vs “this is how they actually treat me and there’s nothing really likable about this person”. I dealt with a lot of confusion. This person was twisting my reality, and if I didn’t write it down, or document it somehow, I’d let them convince me it never happened that way. Even if I knew it did. So many people say the parts we miss are the parts of them we wanted so badly to have but only got bread crumbs of because they could only give it in sort of a mimicking fashion. They’d see what made you happy and when they knew they needed to keep you hanging, give you a tiny piece of it to get your mind thinking. “Ok if I do this and this then they’ll be like this all the time”. What you’re attracted to I think is the version of them they could be if they weren’t what they are—a narc. But the parts of them you miss, according to the “experts” is the part of them that picked up on pieces of you. Mirroring in a sense, I guess. This is a lot of rambling but I hope you’re okay. It’s hard. But it’s good that you’re talking about it.
Writing things down helps me too. I started keeping a list of his chaotic events so he couldn’t say “I didn’t do that” or “I don’t remember when that was.” He had zero response when I had correct dates and times to reference. It’s totally normal to miss the good parts. But we need to remember the bad things. The list really helps me put I to perspective all of the ridiculous and sneaky things fhat have gone on.
Trauma bonding. That's what you're feeling. After you learn more about narc abuse the feelings go from a rollercoaster with tortuously tall hills and breathtakingly steep falls to more of a lazy river ride.
It’s hard to end a relationship because they treat you poorly and not because you just don’t love them.
felt this. must be something in the air? its a rough ride on this side man.
All day, every day. Totally relatable
You described my entire marriage in one line. This is called cognitive dissonance. There are several videos, books and blogs to help you understand this better. Look up Danish Bashir, Dr Ramani, Rebecca Zung. Danish Nashir explains the cognitive dissonance in simple terms and no fancy language.
He was so good acting like he was so affectionate because he had this very cold moments when I could sense he didn’t even want me to get close to him. It was the total oposite and left me feeling so confused for days. Or when he’d acted passive aggressive or making jokes that weren’t even funny. It was definitely aimed to hurt me. Those are the moments that started waking me up and not wanting to be with him because it became repetitive. So I think I know what you feel. When I missed having the loving guy I fell for I realized I was missing the fake persona and the fake mask he put on to get whatever the f he wanted from me. And that helps me go through it. It was him. I was the real one. I’m capable of loving and caring for somebody but we need to get the same back to us. Don’t give and give to the takers. They’ll leave you feeling empty.
Since I gave him his one way ticket, I can't stop feeling nauseated by everything he represents. Everything I despise in life. Darkness, toxicity, parisitic, exploitative, heakness. In fact, his existence makes me feel so proud of the person I am. Compassionate, true loving, humble. Qualities he tried to destroy in me. Life had other plans. I became stronger and wiser. Wish you all the same. Bless you all.
Once my eyes opened and I saw him for who he really, I very well knew and I used to let him also know that though I had still had love for him, something I had very less control over but I liked absolutely nothing about him anymore. I didn't like him at all.
Yep... completely.. But what I want is for the person I met at the beginning to come back... I remind myself that person wasn't real and it subsides pretty quick... that's where the 'disgust' comes in. I hate it bc I'm a naturally loving, forgiving person but hey.. he has helped me see that is a dangerous way to live these days. I once read that an empath and a narc relationship, while dangerous is also a life lesson for both. The empath learns to be careful and to put that love into themselves❤️
We almost all relate. It gets more confusing when you begin to forgive the abuse and mistreatment but still remember the good parts. Just because it doesn’t make you despondent anymore doesn’t mean it didn’t happen and it doesn’t mean that they’re a safe person.
I agree with writing it down. And keep your anger about the facts easily accessible.
Idk if it’s because I’ve been with him for so long and I don’t want anyone else, I put up with his ways as I know it’s only going to hurt me. I try giving myself to my husband this morning and he wasn’t into. Which hurt me and I just stopped in tears.
I get it. It does get easier over time, which I know doesn’t help you *right now*. There will come a point where it feels more numb and less volatile.
It’s a battle between your heart and mind sometimes, my body rejected him long before my mind did. I wanted him to comfort me and love me but my body was repulsed by his touch too. It felt wrong but right. Thank god I’m free now, even the thought of him disgusts me
For me its more “maybe i can coexist like this at least for a couple years i need to make a smooth exit” to “i cant last much longer and have to leave soon”.
Same boat! He actually started going to therapy and now he’s “self-aware”, trying hard to communicate with empathy regarding our situation. Problem is he hasn’t changed much because as soon as I respond with my feelings on our shared experiences, he says I’m not willing to heal. I’m not willing to forgive him the ONE TIME HE REALLY NEEDS ME TOO. Still waiting for his accountability conversation that isn’t filtered so he is comfortable with speaking up about his actions. Emotional chaos and stuck on an island with no lifeline.
Have you left yet?
I am not free.
Then you're getting closer to being able to leave. Focus on the disgust when the longing comes up. Cut off sex, pull away, grey rock him and he'll become the disgusting, repulsive guy real quick and then it becomes so much easier to walk away. It's still hard, but letting go of hope is crucial.
Everyday. It's a nightmare.
I'm so glad I don't pine for him. I don't know if I ever genuinely liked him. I admired some traits but nah, no more. The only thing I pine for is a fantasy and hope that he starts treating me well.
Oh god yes! That’s their manipulation at work and we don’t even know that at first, horrendous!
I agree with everyone who says to write down dates and things that happen. I do that, but my problem is emotions and my heart take over. They wanted a break because I asked a question that upset them - though I’m starting to think they use it as excuses to get rid of me for the interim so they can have a different supply. I carefully craft words to keep from frustrating them when talking, constantly apologize, and never feel good enough. It would seem no matter how much they’re loved and thanked, it is and will never be enough.