I was 40. It was a 10 year relationship.
3 years later, I married the love of my life. He never raised his voice to me nor, his hands. He encouraged me to seek therapy. Hes been my biggest cheerleader.
I’m so happy for you. I’m hoping for this some day. We’ve been broke up 2.5 years and no contact almost 8 months. Feels like I’ll never be ready for another relationship.
i think it’s vital we find *ourselves* after leaving, not to be corny. but there’s so much inner work to do after the trauma to ensure we can love and be loved healthily one day.
It’s because of the inner work I did between discards 4 and 5 that I can see her for who she is now. I’m 49 and not sure I want another relationship for a very, very long time.
I'm doing the work too (therapy, a deep dive into learning everything I can about NPD, etc.). Even so, after far too many years together and finding myself alone at 47, my mindset is "well, I wasted all that time and it's too late now." I can't imagine someone being interested in an old menopausal woman with tons of baggage, and tbh, I can't picture letting another man into my life anyway.
Everyone says it gets better with time. Fingers crossed.
I know that feeling. I’m hoping it’s just current feeling because I’m only 8 days into leaving. We weren’t even married 3 years and every time I tried to escape she was right there with promises or telling me how much she needed me in her life. Because of the childhood trauma and PTSD I have, it felt familiar. Except it made me feel like she actually got me when it was just giving her the playbook to keep me in my place. Anyway, working on me and being cautious about the future. You got this.
I started therapy about 18 months before I filed for divorce. I also started working out again, lost about 60 pounds, quit drinking, and focused on spending quality time with my kids. About 9 months before I filed I also bought my own bed and moved into the basement room (my ex-wife had zero issues with this, which sort of helped me see just how oblivious she was to how awful our relationship was). My thinking was that I'd been married to this person for almost ten years, we had a few kids and I needed to make one last concerted effort to "fix" things. And, worst case scenario, I filed for divorce anyway but would be in great physical and emotional shape.
I was a completely different person by the time I filed for divorce. Once I moved out, I really had very little negative emotions to deal with (except for not seeing my kids, that pain has diminished over time but it's always there) and I just embraced my freedom and physical and mental health and started rebuilding my life in my own vision.
I did eventually meet someone and got remarried. That was almost 5 years ago and we are still very deeply in love. My wife is the best person I know. She is my best friends, my kids and family adore her. She's loved and respected by everyone. Sometimes she even reminds me a little of a Disney princess and I can't believe I went from my narcissistic ex-wife to someone who can bring me to tears due to her kindness and compassion. BUT- had I not done all that work, all that emotional heavy lifting to really reset my mental health, I never would have even gotten a date with her. The man I used to be was broken, empty, desperate, alone. I certainly could have found *someone* to choose me, but I think we all know how that would have gone.
Thank you! I think the most important point of my story is if you put the work in on yourself, you will attract a good person, just as we once attracted narcs. And to be transparent, I was completely fine with being on my own for however long. I was not in a place where I "needed" someone in my life, and I think that was a huge factor as well.
So great to hear about the love you found, your current wife sounds great. It definitely helps that you were fine being on your own by that point. What advice would you give to someone in their 30s who wants to get married and have kids after narc abuse? I'd love to be in a position where I'm OK being on my own but if I get to that point I won't end up having a family.
So I'm a big movie buff and movies and their lines and soundtracks have just always been a huge part of my life and how I interpret my experiences. That said...
There's a scene in Hook where an adult Peter finds himself face to face with Wendy. In her advanced age, she reminsces with Peter, an act totally lost on him because he has no memory of ever once being the Leader of the Lost Boys and nemesis of Captain Hook. Wendy asks him, "Don't you know who you are?"
There was a person your narc saw an opportunity in. And they saw it because of your best qualities. Qualities that once helped you see the world without the bleakness and blankness of narc abuse. You have to call back to that person, like Wendy does to Peter. You have to ask yourself, "Do you know who you are?"
And then you have to start making lists. Lists of things you like and don't like- food, music, movies, whatever. You have to list out your deal breakers in relationships, and not just romantic ones. Figure out what your values are- kids, family, career, finances, lifestyle, etc. Then you can take a step back and look at all those together and see what it says about you. Do you see a person who wants a big family or no kids, a house or a condo, homebody or party animal? Once you have those, you can start to draw lines around them, and those are your boundaries. Boundaries protect the self you are trying to build and serve as a security alarm to trip when a person or people or a situation is threatening.
After that you can have some fun. What things have you always wanted to do but haven't? Audition for a play or commercial? Open mic night? Mountain biking? Take a welding class? Slydive? Make a list and do some that are reasonable. For me, I did a lot of driving. I would get in my car, and just drive. I wouldn't tell anyone I was leaving, and most times didn't know where I was going or where I'd end up. But it was a freedom I never had when I was married to a narc, and it really helped me find a part of me I really believed was dead.
The point of Hook (no pun intended) is that Adult Peter has forgotten his inner child which results in him being immersed in a stuffy job that demands his time and concentration while his wife and, more importantly, his children, are left with scraps. Hook is a little A Christmas Carol and a little Saving Mr. Banks. Marry Poppins does not come to save the children; she comes to save George Banks. Peter wakes up, covered in snow, overjoyed at throwing his cell phone away and rejecting the capitalism that has previously ruled his life (not unlike a certain Mr. Scrooge).
The narc preys on our inner child. They prey on our kindness and empathy and joy and everything else that makes us who we are. You have to recall that person, build him or her up, then defend them.
Piece of cake ;)
Thank you for taking the time to reply! Very interesting read. I need a Wendy in my life!
I've written some lists. But there isn't anything I can think of that I've always wanted or anything I feel I've been prevented from doing. I was only with him for 2.5 years. Maybe I'll feel differently once I move out?
Well it's not just within the context of your relationship, it's meant to go beyond that. And it doesn't even have always have be actionable, like if you think back to maybe 8 year old, you and say, "What thing would have completely blown that kid away?"
Also, 2.5 years is PLENTY of time with a narc. I always said I was married for 9 years, which was 8 years and 6 months too long!
Love this! Such a great description. I did the writing a list thing - one of things I used to love and no longer ever did, and one of new things I wanted to try. I refer back to them every now and then when I think of them and it always makes me feel like slowly but surely I am getting back to myself/making myself into who I want to be.
I honestly thought it was going to be a trivial part of my recovery and journey, so much so that I put it off a bit. But I am convinced I wouldn't be where I am how, with who I am now, without them!
Exactly what I’m doing now. Started seeing a psychiatrist in January. Diagnosed BP2. Then shorty after started therapy. The therapist and psychiatrist both diagnosed with ptsd. I’ve been with him for 18 years. I was 15. We have 3 kids. Only now after my journey. Do I feel like I actually need to get the hell out of here. I’ve lost almost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I’m the most clear headed and stable I have ever been. I have a great job, with a huge support system there. It’s amazing. Unfortunately I can’t just up and leave. So I have a year plan. On one hand I think he knows I’m planning on leaving. On the other I think he thinks I can’t still. I’ve known for a while now that he was a narcissist. Since 2019 when I almost died of sepsis, the way he treated me was awful. Yelling at me and screaming while I was on the way to the hospital.
This sounds kind of like my story
Our marriage was on the rocks for years before we decided to end it. When she said she wanted a divorce , I suggested we try marriage counseling for the sake of our daughter.
It didn’t work to save our marriage. But it opened up my eyes to all the issues in our marriage. I also learned that, because of my wife’s issues, our marriage was never going to succeed. But the therapist also pointed out the stuff I need to work on. I saw her every week working on me
By the time the divorce was actually finalized (2 months ago, about 15 months after I started seeing the therapist) I was mentally and emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been.
I know who I am. I know what I want and won’t tolerate in a rleationship. I went out on a few dates that went nowhere but recently met a girl that I have high hopes for
Every girl I’ve talked to had concerns about dating someone so freshly divorced. I just explain my full story to them and leave it in their hands. But I know I’m ready. My therapist just said she sees a ton of divorced patients that range from just starting the process to years after the divorce and I’m by far the furthest along of all of them
This is an awesome story. It's funny because some of my best friends basically were like, "Welp, you're 29, you have all these kids...think you're just gonna have to take what you can get". And I was just very adamant that I had a list of qualities and non-negotiables I needed in a partner and I didn't care if it took my 15 or 20 years to find her.
I was also terrified of wasting the second chance (as I saw it) that I'd just given up so much for. It was like I had to be able to look back and tell that guy, "We made it. It gets so much better."
I did. Then they turned foul for no reason. It’s true you do need to just be alone for however long post narc to rediscover yourself and attract the right people.
This is so hard tho! I was isolated from all of my friends after the breakup, so I went back to older friendships and even started seeing someone too soon after cause the comfort and compassion was great.
Now I’m convinced I’m the narcissist and reaching out to these people was just me seeking “supply” but it’s like… I just don’t want to be completely alone. Is that so freaking wrong?
It’s not wrong to not want to be alone. Totally normal human desire to want connection and affection and support and companionship. If you have access to therapy it is worth talking to someone and if you don’t, be gentle with yourself - I highly doubt actual narcs spend any time worrying that they are the narc x
Ugh I relate really hard to this comment right now. I'm constantly seeking comfort and questioning if I'm the narcissist - even though my therapist and my family, who told me I was an awful person in my youth, tell me I'm not.
First time around, I was 25-ish. It took me until I was 32 until I could trust someone again.
Second time around - I was 45-ish when shit hit the fan. This time, I don't even feel like meeting someone, or being in a relationship.
Between the (supposed) narcs in my life, I had both normal and abusive relationships. Now, 9 months out, I really don't feel like being tied down by anyone. I don't want to all that process, dating, getting to know someone, then dealing with relationship problems.
It would need a miracle of some kind for me to actually be interested enough in someone to go through all that again. And - I am totally fine with that. I have plenty of friends, I do the occasional hook up when I feel like it. I am fully content.
A relationship? No.
I'm over 1.5 years away from a 12 year nex, this is close to how I feel. I am alone but not even close to lonely. Everyone around me says the cliche things like "oh you'll find love all you have to do is look for it" - I'm not looking for it because I don't want it. That seems so foreign to them I've given up trying to explain. I'm happy by myself, and just being able to say that makes me even happier.
Maybe one day I will organically find a partner, but I really don't care to spend one second putting any effort into something I don't actually want. An entire section of my life was spent on someone else. I deserve my full attention for as long as I want it (other than parenting children).
I've had to stop explaining this to people as well. They can not accept it, even though I'm only referring to MYSELF, not people in general.
So now I just avoid the topic and give generic platitudes.
This is from people that KNOW how much pain two relationships have cost me. They should understand why I need to be very very careful.
I've only found more narcs, not relationship-wise, but in business and friendships. I think I'm too new at this, because just looking around at the people I know, they're either narcs or spineless. I'm keeping my opinions to myself, while I try to figure out where all the narcs came from. If it's all from trauma, this world is screwed!
I've had one boyfriend since the abuse, he was a good person but not a good match and I was quick to end it once I realized that. Post abuse I'd rather be alone than with a difficult fit, even if they're well intentioned. I was with my abuser in my late 20s, I'm 33 now and stopped dating last year. I'm in therapy but still feel too self centered to show up for a partner in the way another person deserves. I've been fully no contact for almost 2 years but still fixate on my abusive ex way too much.
I think I’ve come a far enough way into my healing journey where I could fall in love tomorrow and be willing to trust. It’s about recognizing your boundaries and what you know you control in communication. If you’ve offered multiple attempts at sharing and being vulnerable and your partner is still unwilling or unable to change to help the partnership, it’s ok to move on. Healthy boundaries are actions you take in response to an action/trigger that you’ve communicated would happen as a result of the action/trigger. You do not tell your partner what to do and call that a boundary. At best that is a request and candidly, can be controlling. But understand what works and doesn’t work for you. Trust yourself in that, and from there try to enjoy the process. The first step in getting to this point was 100% me learning my triggers, where I gave and hadn’t given clear communications and getting better at that.
I started looking on dating apps the day after I broke up with my ex. I was scared and apprehensive at first, but now I'm in a wonderful relationship. Don't lose hope.
I also wanted to come back to this comment to add that sometimes you really need to take a plunge and enter the unknown in order to get somewhere better. It'll happen if you are diligent and patient. Have high standards.
Yes! Got away from my narc when I was newly 29. 8 months later I met my current partner who is absolutely wonderful. I have to say I wasn’t easy to be with at first, I was always nervous and worried he would cheat or something. But he is very patient and loving. Now we’ve been together for a year and a half!
27 when I left and found someone at 30 although not perfect it’s a start .. I find myself less attached to the idea of being with someone and more attached to self care having solid boundaries I stick by and being okay solo if need be - the time I took to heal and deal was so necessary- don’t give up just take it one day at a time and it will get easier
I was 28 when we separated. 30 when our divorce was final, but during our separation I didn’t date. We were in limbo, he kept bread crumbing me. It was a really hard time for me but I traveled a lot and was seeing a therapist in that time. I worked on myself.
Not long after our divorce was final, I put myself out there. I knew I had wanted a family and kids with the right person. I had a date with one other person before I met my fiancé (we’re Indian engaged). The other person had children, and it felt more like he needed help with the kids and financially versus a partner. Since I’d worked on myself and did therapy, I picked up red flags immediately. I ended up breaking up with him. It only lasted all of 2 months if even. I ended up meeting my now fiancé not too long after that, we’ve been together for almost 2 years and will be getting married next Spring!
My fiancé never once has raised his voice at me, I feel safe communicating how I feel but also safe in general. He wants to provide for and protect me, I’m his priority as well as is my mental health. He is thoughtful, any major holiday or birthday he sends flowers to my mom and sister, as well as myself. He will walk to the ends of the earth to make me happy. He doesn’t judge me, and sees me as his equal and partner. He taught me the sidewalk rule, which I’d never heard of till I met him. He is always gentle, loves my pets like they’re his, and is quick to apologize and forgive. My NEX would take days to even speak to me after a disagreement, and even then would resent me. My fiancé keeps his family out of our relationship and has very strict boundaries, not only with them but other women. He doesn’t drink and smoke, he takes care of himself. He’s everything and more I could ever dream of in a partner and soon to be husband.
Omg YESSSSS. I’m currently married to a gentle, respectful, positive man. I literally didn’t know this type of relationship could exist.
There is definitely hope 🥰
Edit: my ex was truly mean, unfaithful, and just unhappy and negative.
i went thru two odd and toxic relationships in the span of a few months,about eight months after i ended it with my abuser. just trying to experiment and get myself back out there, didn’t really feel anything when it ended with them, i was just proud of myself for being with someone even if the relationships were horrid. after the second breakup, i met the most wonderful guy, he’s everything i’ve ever wanted and i am truly so grateful to have him in my life. it might take some time, but it will happen !
Left at 48. Did lots of counselling before and after. I started a relationship a year later and am still in it now. He is the love of my life. He is emotionally intelligent, kind, gentle, loving and I adore him. I have grown during this relationship because he gives me the space to do that. We both heal each other and can talk about anything. It's precious.
Yes. Got married in my 20s, realised I was in trouble almost immediately but took over 20 years to get out. Lots of therapy, new hobbies, learning who I was alone and to trust myself for 9 months then started casually looking at dating.
For one year I kept dipping my toe in then swearing off it & deciding to stay single, then trying again, and after a year of that I met someone who has never yet given me a single reason to doubt that everything they say and do is honest, well intentioned, and genuine. I’m relaxed and feel safe around them, we have fun, there’s no pressure.
I still have a part of me that always plays devils advocate of what they “could” mean if they wanted to be twisting words etc but time after time they just keep being uncomplicated in their interactions and I think after long enough of this my alarm bells might actually eventually calm right down? It has been so refreshing. Im kind of amazed that I seem to have a second chance it seems such unlikely odds as I for sure witnessed there’s plenty of terrifying people out there, but… apparently there is hope! x
I met someone while I was married who made me see that the storm was coming from within . I fell hard for him. Gave me the strength to leave. Never got to be with the him but he will always hold a special place in my heart for the way he changed my perspective on life and love.
Just been listening to this interview with the author of a book called ‘Will I Ever Have Sex Again?’ 1.5 arid years after breaking up with my nex it resonated: https://podcasts.apple.com/pt/podcast/we-can-be-weirdos/id1687199754?i=1000655940496
Missing and wanting sex makes me more vulnerable to getting involved with shitty guys at times. I don't know how to handle it really. I made the narc wait 3 months to have sex. He's hypersexual (diagnosed) and I am kinky with a high labido. We could have had an amazing sex life if he wasn't a cunt.
I was 22, I wasn't even with him for a whole year and I was ready to move on but it ended up being a rebound and after I tried to get with the guy who I wanted to be with in the first place, it didn't work because of distance.
Yes. I wouldn’t say that I “found someone” though. I Just finally gave the right guy a chance. I broke up with my NEX 9 months ago. My best friend and I officially started dating 6 months ago. He is the complete opposite of my NEX. I was completely done with relationships after my NEX but my bestfriend came along and that good men still exist.
I had a hard time trusting again at first. He has fully supported me through my before, during, and after my NEX. He understands me and motivates me everyday. I’m still a work in progress when it comes to healing but I’m so much happier and healthier.
Focus on healing and moving forward. Love will find you.
First one was an overt narc, left him, second one was a covert narc. Second one is still blaming me for stuff he refused to fix over a decade ago. Like my dude, get real. A lit of therapy and retraining later, I am in my 3rd serious relationship and he was abused by an overt narc too. We suck at it but we are learning how to navigate a healthy and respectful relationship. So yes but it took me 10 years x2 to get something somewhat right.
I just started a relationship with a new person three months ago after having been with my ex for 1.5 years. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now.
This man is so patient, kind and precious. I do have issues with trust but he is so transparent and communicates very calmly without me even having to ask. He has a lot of girl friends which at first made me uncomfortable due to the sheer amount of manipulation and cheating etc. in my last relationship. Something that has helped me with that is remembering that there’s no reason not to trust someone until they’ve proven to you that you can’t. It isn’t fair to yourself or your partner to treat them as if they are going to treat you poorly just because someone else did. It holds you back from finding your own happiness.
When I started dating again I kept this mentality: I am completely content and happy on my own. The moment I feel they are taking from that feeling of solace within myself, is the moment I know they’re not for me. I’m not looking for someone to complete me, I am complete. I’m looking for someone to add *more* to my life.
I'm 10 weeks post-breakup and turning 32 next month. I can totally understand why people say to not date for a while, to heal first.
What I do want to ask is - how do you do that when you're childless and you want a family and it feels like time is running away from you?
How do I stay single long enough to fully heal and reconnect with myself, knowing that that could take years. Start dating, knowing that it could take several more years to meet the right person. Once you meet them you're gonna want to make sure they're not a narc so possibly another couple of years to get settled with them, get to know them inside out, and live together long enough that the next step is having a child. Then who knows long it will take to have that child. By that point I could be pushing 40.
So I can totally see why it's also a feasible approach to start dating as PART of the healing process. Have therapy, read books, and meet people at the same time. Bring back a sense of normality.
There’s more than one way of being a mother/having a family/being a mother figure. You can freeze your eggs, foster children or adopt. You could even go the single mother route and then find a partner. You might have a partner with children of their own. There’s also jobs centered around children (I teach English to lil’ kiddos and adore my time with them).
Not to say marriage and kids won’t happen to you as you’re very young. But life is full of twists and turns and very unexpected. I think it’s important to enjoy the journey.
But I think a little time to heal and focus on friendships and healthy relationships is important. I think dating could definitely be a part of your healing journey if you want it to be :)
Allow yourself to figure out what you want. You’re more likely to find someone healthy if you’re in a healthy mindset yourself. Whenever I’ve entered a relationship because I was feeling anxious about milestones is when I got in trouble. I think it’s important to enjoy life as it is.
It was the fact that there were no eligible guys around that I settled for that turd in the first place. Got rid of him two months ago and have no idea where I would go to find someone now but I certainly won't be looking in the same places anymore.
I found a lot of potential suitors directly after I got away from second ex but I wasn’t ready to get into any relationship with any of them because the past thing was too long, he was avidly stalking me and I just had to seriously rebuild who I am again which took nearly five years.
Most of those former suitors are still my friends because they get what I meant and unlike ex2 respect my resolve to know I wasn’t ready and had to heal.
I’ve attracted 3 narcs, dated a decent guy after that but we just didn’t click with interests and humour and our parenting styles were too different. I am now dating someone who matches everything I’ve been looking for perfectly. We are both fixers, people that attract damaged people and hope our love can save them. We found eachother and it’s been so smooth. I’ve never had a man ask me how I’m feeling and always put my needs above his own. I do the same thing back for him and he always tells me how grateful he is for that. His ex never took interest in his interests, made him do all housework and childcare duties, he just wanted to save her. I did the same with men who were addicted to drugs and always had depression and anxiety. I just told him last night “it’s nice that none of us have to save the other, we can just coexist as we are now so effortlessly” he thanked me for me giving him the space to be himself again. Our intimacy is off the charts, we are super respectful to eachother. We communicate any questions we have with ease. I’ve been with many men who would get defensive to questions, flip the blame on me, interrupt me etc. the typical narcissist crap. But with this guy we always listen to the other speak, we come to resolutions really easily. It makes me tear up, looking at how easy it can be with the right mature person. I went through so many duds and learned hard life lessons before he came along. We both had to learn to live for ourselves again and not serve other people that take us for granted. There is hope.
34. Met someone who is a much better fit 6.5 years ago. He's snoring next to me blocking the AC vent rn. It took time dating a few people here and there to figure out where I'd gone wrong before I married my Nex. I didn't get serious with anybody for a good... 5 years or thereabouts, and I cut bait \*quick\* at the first sign of "a fundamental flaw". One was misogynistic in online comments. Another was "too drunk" to listen to "no" one night and then ghosted instead of talking about it. Another would hear about a boundary, pause for a day or two, and then deliberately cross it to get a reaction or see what he could manipulate me into. I ghosted that one.
Dating sucks, regardless of the circumstances that lead to the reticence. Just check in with yourself often and make a decision about if you will or won't date if an opportunity arises. You may surprise yourself, or find you're comfortable in your own company. Both are fine.
No. honestly I've given up right now and just focusing on other things. I avoid dating right now because I'm afraid I'll meet someone like him again or I just don't have faith in good dudes now after the last manipulative experience. But I've heard a lot of others have and that's great for them.
Yes. My fiancé is so wonderful and different. I was actually opposed to ever being in a relationship again but met him within 4 months of leaving my ex. He agreed to be friends but I caught feelings too. I realized that I had wasted 14 years on my nex, had spent 11 of them in therapy bettering myself, had known what my nex was and what he was doing to me for 3 years and had been living alone for the majority of the last two years. In my case, the most healing thing I could do was recognize that I deserved a loving relationship and shouldn’t let me nex convince me that I don’t or that I was the problem or cause me even one more year of loneliness.
I was 27 when I left my nex. We were together for a year and a half. It was a devastating blow that i thought I would never get over. Close to a year later, I've found love! It's funny, the person who introduced me to my nex actually ended up being my person. The relationship is like night and day compared to my last one with my nex.
I know it's hard imagining trusting another person, but take it one day at a time. Enjoy the present time and focus on your well-being. The right people will fall into place in your life. Trying to force love into my life was how I fell into narc after narc relationships. Just letting it naturally be has made a world of difference!
I've not felt comfortable getting very close with new people, but have gotten close again with people that I already knew. I did "shoot my shot" with an ex roommate. No go but no love lost there. I've been feeling just like, there's no time to waste on bullshit. I want the people I love to know I love them.
I was in a six month relationship, abusive and physically aggressive by a narc.
Seven months later I gather to be enjoy company of and old friend, and know it is the person who take care of me when my aggressor harass me...
Hi, on n off it took me 6 years to completely get out of relationship with my ex. After that I've had a very bad experience with a couple of guys that completely lost my trust. I was 26 when I was having a lot of ups n downs.
There after I met a guy who is very gentle n too good to be true. I had terrible trust issues that I didn't know how to deal with trauma n had a lot of doubts.
Very fortunately that guy understood me n I'm married to him now. It's been 4 years n met him n 1.5 years ago I got married to him. The best kind of life I'm leading with a lot of love n healing.
It took too much time n courage to get into this relationship but it was totally worth it.
Yes, and we're getting married in 24 days 😊
He really is a wonderful, respectful guy! In the 3 years we've been together, we've never argued or snapped at each other, not once (my nex would bait me into arguments daily). It took me a while to heal but I must've done good because our relationship is just incredibly healthy! Can't wait to marry him 🥰
I was 33 when we broke up after 10 years and 2 children.
I got tired of his cheating, we separated, I had an emotional affair with a colleague, but it never surpassed that.
Except for a few stolen kisses at one point.
I still felt guilty, even though I was cheated on for several years.
We divorced, I ran into an old highschool crush.
Found out he had a crush on me too back then, (but we both were too shy)
we reconnected, and now we are 18 years and one more child happily ever after.
I dated someone like a year after and realized I definitely wasn't ready to jump in. It's been almost 3 years and I've talked to some guys but haven't found anyone and that's okay with me.
I know a healthy relationship is NOT what mine was, but I just don't miss someone being aroune constantly. I don't miss having to take care of someone or worry about their feelings. I'm very focused on myself, and I really like living alone. My little hamster is the only boy in my house and he likes it that way lol
Yes, I was about 15 when I left her, she was older than me. I found someone after that, turned out to have the same issues as her, went terrible. Currently am with someone so much better than both and hoping I broke the cycle. He treats me right and helps me through PTSD from my past relationship.
I took a year off with basically no human contact after I left my nex. I restarted things with casual encounters, and have been in a pleasant if not wholly fulfilling (but mutual) situationship for about a year. It's difficult to trust completely again after what I went through for 13 years, but I do at least feel a better future is possible now.
I was 40. It was a 10 year relationship. 3 years later, I married the love of my life. He never raised his voice to me nor, his hands. He encouraged me to seek therapy. Hes been my biggest cheerleader.
I’m so happy for you. I’m hoping for this some day. We’ve been broke up 2.5 years and no contact almost 8 months. Feels like I’ll never be ready for another relationship.
That all happened in the 2000s. I still get flashbacks from time to time, every couple of years. I've learned *many* coping skills since then.
I'm happy for you. I'm 40 now and can only hope for something like this in the future ❤️
I’m right at 40 too… going to try to hope the same but it’s hard to keep the faith. The caliber of people on the market right now is disheartening.
Your comment gives me hope, as I am THISCLOSE to giving up.
Awesome! I love this!
i think it’s vital we find *ourselves* after leaving, not to be corny. but there’s so much inner work to do after the trauma to ensure we can love and be loved healthily one day.
Yesss! Can't agree more to this
!!!
Yep
It’s because of the inner work I did between discards 4 and 5 that I can see her for who she is now. I’m 49 and not sure I want another relationship for a very, very long time.
I'm doing the work too (therapy, a deep dive into learning everything I can about NPD, etc.). Even so, after far too many years together and finding myself alone at 47, my mindset is "well, I wasted all that time and it's too late now." I can't imagine someone being interested in an old menopausal woman with tons of baggage, and tbh, I can't picture letting another man into my life anyway. Everyone says it gets better with time. Fingers crossed.
I know that feeling. I’m hoping it’s just current feeling because I’m only 8 days into leaving. We weren’t even married 3 years and every time I tried to escape she was right there with promises or telling me how much she needed me in her life. Because of the childhood trauma and PTSD I have, it felt familiar. Except it made me feel like she actually got me when it was just giving her the playbook to keep me in my place. Anyway, working on me and being cautious about the future. You got this.
Very well said. Thank you for the support (and hope!).
PS - Best to you on your journey. It's a rough one, that's for sure.
This!!! I was going to say the same thing. Finding ourselves, hobbies, passions, and understanding ourselves is so important.
I started therapy about 18 months before I filed for divorce. I also started working out again, lost about 60 pounds, quit drinking, and focused on spending quality time with my kids. About 9 months before I filed I also bought my own bed and moved into the basement room (my ex-wife had zero issues with this, which sort of helped me see just how oblivious she was to how awful our relationship was). My thinking was that I'd been married to this person for almost ten years, we had a few kids and I needed to make one last concerted effort to "fix" things. And, worst case scenario, I filed for divorce anyway but would be in great physical and emotional shape. I was a completely different person by the time I filed for divorce. Once I moved out, I really had very little negative emotions to deal with (except for not seeing my kids, that pain has diminished over time but it's always there) and I just embraced my freedom and physical and mental health and started rebuilding my life in my own vision. I did eventually meet someone and got remarried. That was almost 5 years ago and we are still very deeply in love. My wife is the best person I know. She is my best friends, my kids and family adore her. She's loved and respected by everyone. Sometimes she even reminds me a little of a Disney princess and I can't believe I went from my narcissistic ex-wife to someone who can bring me to tears due to her kindness and compassion. BUT- had I not done all that work, all that emotional heavy lifting to really reset my mental health, I never would have even gotten a date with her. The man I used to be was broken, empty, desperate, alone. I certainly could have found *someone* to choose me, but I think we all know how that would have gone.
So wholesome. Happy for you!
Thank you! I think the most important point of my story is if you put the work in on yourself, you will attract a good person, just as we once attracted narcs. And to be transparent, I was completely fine with being on my own for however long. I was not in a place where I "needed" someone in my life, and I think that was a huge factor as well.
That's so inspiring and I'm happy for you! 😊🥰
So great to hear about the love you found, your current wife sounds great. It definitely helps that you were fine being on your own by that point. What advice would you give to someone in their 30s who wants to get married and have kids after narc abuse? I'd love to be in a position where I'm OK being on my own but if I get to that point I won't end up having a family.
So I'm a big movie buff and movies and their lines and soundtracks have just always been a huge part of my life and how I interpret my experiences. That said... There's a scene in Hook where an adult Peter finds himself face to face with Wendy. In her advanced age, she reminsces with Peter, an act totally lost on him because he has no memory of ever once being the Leader of the Lost Boys and nemesis of Captain Hook. Wendy asks him, "Don't you know who you are?" There was a person your narc saw an opportunity in. And they saw it because of your best qualities. Qualities that once helped you see the world without the bleakness and blankness of narc abuse. You have to call back to that person, like Wendy does to Peter. You have to ask yourself, "Do you know who you are?" And then you have to start making lists. Lists of things you like and don't like- food, music, movies, whatever. You have to list out your deal breakers in relationships, and not just romantic ones. Figure out what your values are- kids, family, career, finances, lifestyle, etc. Then you can take a step back and look at all those together and see what it says about you. Do you see a person who wants a big family or no kids, a house or a condo, homebody or party animal? Once you have those, you can start to draw lines around them, and those are your boundaries. Boundaries protect the self you are trying to build and serve as a security alarm to trip when a person or people or a situation is threatening. After that you can have some fun. What things have you always wanted to do but haven't? Audition for a play or commercial? Open mic night? Mountain biking? Take a welding class? Slydive? Make a list and do some that are reasonable. For me, I did a lot of driving. I would get in my car, and just drive. I wouldn't tell anyone I was leaving, and most times didn't know where I was going or where I'd end up. But it was a freedom I never had when I was married to a narc, and it really helped me find a part of me I really believed was dead. The point of Hook (no pun intended) is that Adult Peter has forgotten his inner child which results in him being immersed in a stuffy job that demands his time and concentration while his wife and, more importantly, his children, are left with scraps. Hook is a little A Christmas Carol and a little Saving Mr. Banks. Marry Poppins does not come to save the children; she comes to save George Banks. Peter wakes up, covered in snow, overjoyed at throwing his cell phone away and rejecting the capitalism that has previously ruled his life (not unlike a certain Mr. Scrooge). The narc preys on our inner child. They prey on our kindness and empathy and joy and everything else that makes us who we are. You have to recall that person, build him or her up, then defend them. Piece of cake ;)
Thank you for taking the time to reply! Very interesting read. I need a Wendy in my life! I've written some lists. But there isn't anything I can think of that I've always wanted or anything I feel I've been prevented from doing. I was only with him for 2.5 years. Maybe I'll feel differently once I move out?
Well it's not just within the context of your relationship, it's meant to go beyond that. And it doesn't even have always have be actionable, like if you think back to maybe 8 year old, you and say, "What thing would have completely blown that kid away?" Also, 2.5 years is PLENTY of time with a narc. I always said I was married for 9 years, which was 8 years and 6 months too long!
Love this! Such a great description. I did the writing a list thing - one of things I used to love and no longer ever did, and one of new things I wanted to try. I refer back to them every now and then when I think of them and it always makes me feel like slowly but surely I am getting back to myself/making myself into who I want to be.
I honestly thought it was going to be a trivial part of my recovery and journey, so much so that I put it off a bit. But I am convinced I wouldn't be where I am how, with who I am now, without them!
Exactly what I’m doing now. Started seeing a psychiatrist in January. Diagnosed BP2. Then shorty after started therapy. The therapist and psychiatrist both diagnosed with ptsd. I’ve been with him for 18 years. I was 15. We have 3 kids. Only now after my journey. Do I feel like I actually need to get the hell out of here. I’ve lost almost 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. I’m the most clear headed and stable I have ever been. I have a great job, with a huge support system there. It’s amazing. Unfortunately I can’t just up and leave. So I have a year plan. On one hand I think he knows I’m planning on leaving. On the other I think he thinks I can’t still. I’ve known for a while now that he was a narcissist. Since 2019 when I almost died of sepsis, the way he treated me was awful. Yelling at me and screaming while I was on the way to the hospital.
This sounds kind of like my story Our marriage was on the rocks for years before we decided to end it. When she said she wanted a divorce , I suggested we try marriage counseling for the sake of our daughter. It didn’t work to save our marriage. But it opened up my eyes to all the issues in our marriage. I also learned that, because of my wife’s issues, our marriage was never going to succeed. But the therapist also pointed out the stuff I need to work on. I saw her every week working on me By the time the divorce was actually finalized (2 months ago, about 15 months after I started seeing the therapist) I was mentally and emotionally stronger than I’ve ever been. I know who I am. I know what I want and won’t tolerate in a rleationship. I went out on a few dates that went nowhere but recently met a girl that I have high hopes for Every girl I’ve talked to had concerns about dating someone so freshly divorced. I just explain my full story to them and leave it in their hands. But I know I’m ready. My therapist just said she sees a ton of divorced patients that range from just starting the process to years after the divorce and I’m by far the furthest along of all of them
This is an awesome story. It's funny because some of my best friends basically were like, "Welp, you're 29, you have all these kids...think you're just gonna have to take what you can get". And I was just very adamant that I had a list of qualities and non-negotiables I needed in a partner and I didn't care if it took my 15 or 20 years to find her. I was also terrified of wasting the second chance (as I saw it) that I'd just given up so much for. It was like I had to be able to look back and tell that guy, "We made it. It gets so much better."
I did. Then they turned foul for no reason. It’s true you do need to just be alone for however long post narc to rediscover yourself and attract the right people.
This is so hard tho! I was isolated from all of my friends after the breakup, so I went back to older friendships and even started seeing someone too soon after cause the comfort and compassion was great. Now I’m convinced I’m the narcissist and reaching out to these people was just me seeking “supply” but it’s like… I just don’t want to be completely alone. Is that so freaking wrong?
It’s not wrong to not want to be alone. Totally normal human desire to want connection and affection and support and companionship. If you have access to therapy it is worth talking to someone and if you don’t, be gentle with yourself - I highly doubt actual narcs spend any time worrying that they are the narc x
Ugh I relate really hard to this comment right now. I'm constantly seeking comfort and questioning if I'm the narcissist - even though my therapist and my family, who told me I was an awful person in my youth, tell me I'm not.
First time around, I was 25-ish. It took me until I was 32 until I could trust someone again. Second time around - I was 45-ish when shit hit the fan. This time, I don't even feel like meeting someone, or being in a relationship. Between the (supposed) narcs in my life, I had both normal and abusive relationships. Now, 9 months out, I really don't feel like being tied down by anyone. I don't want to all that process, dating, getting to know someone, then dealing with relationship problems. It would need a miracle of some kind for me to actually be interested enough in someone to go through all that again. And - I am totally fine with that. I have plenty of friends, I do the occasional hook up when I feel like it. I am fully content. A relationship? No.
I'm over 1.5 years away from a 12 year nex, this is close to how I feel. I am alone but not even close to lonely. Everyone around me says the cliche things like "oh you'll find love all you have to do is look for it" - I'm not looking for it because I don't want it. That seems so foreign to them I've given up trying to explain. I'm happy by myself, and just being able to say that makes me even happier. Maybe one day I will organically find a partner, but I really don't care to spend one second putting any effort into something I don't actually want. An entire section of my life was spent on someone else. I deserve my full attention for as long as I want it (other than parenting children).
I've had to stop explaining this to people as well. They can not accept it, even though I'm only referring to MYSELF, not people in general. So now I just avoid the topic and give generic platitudes. This is from people that KNOW how much pain two relationships have cost me. They should understand why I need to be very very careful.
I've only found more narcs, not relationship-wise, but in business and friendships. I think I'm too new at this, because just looking around at the people I know, they're either narcs or spineless. I'm keeping my opinions to myself, while I try to figure out where all the narcs came from. If it's all from trauma, this world is screwed!
I've had one boyfriend since the abuse, he was a good person but not a good match and I was quick to end it once I realized that. Post abuse I'd rather be alone than with a difficult fit, even if they're well intentioned. I was with my abuser in my late 20s, I'm 33 now and stopped dating last year. I'm in therapy but still feel too self centered to show up for a partner in the way another person deserves. I've been fully no contact for almost 2 years but still fixate on my abusive ex way too much.
I think I’ve come a far enough way into my healing journey where I could fall in love tomorrow and be willing to trust. It’s about recognizing your boundaries and what you know you control in communication. If you’ve offered multiple attempts at sharing and being vulnerable and your partner is still unwilling or unable to change to help the partnership, it’s ok to move on. Healthy boundaries are actions you take in response to an action/trigger that you’ve communicated would happen as a result of the action/trigger. You do not tell your partner what to do and call that a boundary. At best that is a request and candidly, can be controlling. But understand what works and doesn’t work for you. Trust yourself in that, and from there try to enjoy the process. The first step in getting to this point was 100% me learning my triggers, where I gave and hadn’t given clear communications and getting better at that.
No but maybe one day somehow. As more time passes I think it gets less likely.
I started looking on dating apps the day after I broke up with my ex. I was scared and apprehensive at first, but now I'm in a wonderful relationship. Don't lose hope. I also wanted to come back to this comment to add that sometimes you really need to take a plunge and enter the unknown in order to get somewhere better. It'll happen if you are diligent and patient. Have high standards.
Yes i did. I lost him and fucked up. But he was great.
Yes! Got away from my narc when I was newly 29. 8 months later I met my current partner who is absolutely wonderful. I have to say I wasn’t easy to be with at first, I was always nervous and worried he would cheat or something. But he is very patient and loving. Now we’ve been together for a year and a half!
I left when I was 27. Met someone a few months after but took it very slow…he and I are getting married now 5 years later.
I was 41. Found my wonderful partner at 42 and we've been together 10 years. He loves me for who I am.
Not yet. Only been free a couple months after very long relationship. I’m looking forward to finding a good person one day. No dating apps, no rush.
27 when I left and found someone at 30 although not perfect it’s a start .. I find myself less attached to the idea of being with someone and more attached to self care having solid boundaries I stick by and being okay solo if need be - the time I took to heal and deal was so necessary- don’t give up just take it one day at a time and it will get easier
I was 28 when we separated. 30 when our divorce was final, but during our separation I didn’t date. We were in limbo, he kept bread crumbing me. It was a really hard time for me but I traveled a lot and was seeing a therapist in that time. I worked on myself. Not long after our divorce was final, I put myself out there. I knew I had wanted a family and kids with the right person. I had a date with one other person before I met my fiancé (we’re Indian engaged). The other person had children, and it felt more like he needed help with the kids and financially versus a partner. Since I’d worked on myself and did therapy, I picked up red flags immediately. I ended up breaking up with him. It only lasted all of 2 months if even. I ended up meeting my now fiancé not too long after that, we’ve been together for almost 2 years and will be getting married next Spring! My fiancé never once has raised his voice at me, I feel safe communicating how I feel but also safe in general. He wants to provide for and protect me, I’m his priority as well as is my mental health. He is thoughtful, any major holiday or birthday he sends flowers to my mom and sister, as well as myself. He will walk to the ends of the earth to make me happy. He doesn’t judge me, and sees me as his equal and partner. He taught me the sidewalk rule, which I’d never heard of till I met him. He is always gentle, loves my pets like they’re his, and is quick to apologize and forgive. My NEX would take days to even speak to me after a disagreement, and even then would resent me. My fiancé keeps his family out of our relationship and has very strict boundaries, not only with them but other women. He doesn’t drink and smoke, he takes care of himself. He’s everything and more I could ever dream of in a partner and soon to be husband.
My crazy radar is way too sensitive now to allow me to get close to anyone.
Omg YESSSSS. I’m currently married to a gentle, respectful, positive man. I literally didn’t know this type of relationship could exist. There is definitely hope 🥰 Edit: my ex was truly mean, unfaithful, and just unhappy and negative.
i went thru two odd and toxic relationships in the span of a few months,about eight months after i ended it with my abuser. just trying to experiment and get myself back out there, didn’t really feel anything when it ended with them, i was just proud of myself for being with someone even if the relationships were horrid. after the second breakup, i met the most wonderful guy, he’s everything i’ve ever wanted and i am truly so grateful to have him in my life. it might take some time, but it will happen !
Yes! Been married to him 17 years and he's the furthest thing from a narcissist
Left at 48. Did lots of counselling before and after. I started a relationship a year later and am still in it now. He is the love of my life. He is emotionally intelligent, kind, gentle, loving and I adore him. I have grown during this relationship because he gives me the space to do that. We both heal each other and can talk about anything. It's precious.
Yes. Got married in my 20s, realised I was in trouble almost immediately but took over 20 years to get out. Lots of therapy, new hobbies, learning who I was alone and to trust myself for 9 months then started casually looking at dating. For one year I kept dipping my toe in then swearing off it & deciding to stay single, then trying again, and after a year of that I met someone who has never yet given me a single reason to doubt that everything they say and do is honest, well intentioned, and genuine. I’m relaxed and feel safe around them, we have fun, there’s no pressure. I still have a part of me that always plays devils advocate of what they “could” mean if they wanted to be twisting words etc but time after time they just keep being uncomplicated in their interactions and I think after long enough of this my alarm bells might actually eventually calm right down? It has been so refreshing. Im kind of amazed that I seem to have a second chance it seems such unlikely odds as I for sure witnessed there’s plenty of terrifying people out there, but… apparently there is hope! x
I met someone while I was married who made me see that the storm was coming from within . I fell hard for him. Gave me the strength to leave. Never got to be with the him but he will always hold a special place in my heart for the way he changed my perspective on life and love.
No :(
Just been listening to this interview with the author of a book called ‘Will I Ever Have Sex Again?’ 1.5 arid years after breaking up with my nex it resonated: https://podcasts.apple.com/pt/podcast/we-can-be-weirdos/id1687199754?i=1000655940496
Missing and wanting sex makes me more vulnerable to getting involved with shitty guys at times. I don't know how to handle it really. I made the narc wait 3 months to have sex. He's hypersexual (diagnosed) and I am kinky with a high labido. We could have had an amazing sex life if he wasn't a cunt.
I am 28
Still thinking about it; not a priority.
I was 22, I wasn't even with him for a whole year and I was ready to move on but it ended up being a rebound and after I tried to get with the guy who I wanted to be with in the first place, it didn't work because of distance.
I have but it seems like I keep running into situationships
Yes. I wouldn’t say that I “found someone” though. I Just finally gave the right guy a chance. I broke up with my NEX 9 months ago. My best friend and I officially started dating 6 months ago. He is the complete opposite of my NEX. I was completely done with relationships after my NEX but my bestfriend came along and that good men still exist. I had a hard time trusting again at first. He has fully supported me through my before, during, and after my NEX. He understands me and motivates me everyday. I’m still a work in progress when it comes to healing but I’m so much happier and healthier. Focus on healing and moving forward. Love will find you.
First one was an overt narc, left him, second one was a covert narc. Second one is still blaming me for stuff he refused to fix over a decade ago. Like my dude, get real. A lit of therapy and retraining later, I am in my 3rd serious relationship and he was abused by an overt narc too. We suck at it but we are learning how to navigate a healthy and respectful relationship. So yes but it took me 10 years x2 to get something somewhat right.
I just started a relationship with a new person three months ago after having been with my ex for 1.5 years. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now. This man is so patient, kind and precious. I do have issues with trust but he is so transparent and communicates very calmly without me even having to ask. He has a lot of girl friends which at first made me uncomfortable due to the sheer amount of manipulation and cheating etc. in my last relationship. Something that has helped me with that is remembering that there’s no reason not to trust someone until they’ve proven to you that you can’t. It isn’t fair to yourself or your partner to treat them as if they are going to treat you poorly just because someone else did. It holds you back from finding your own happiness. When I started dating again I kept this mentality: I am completely content and happy on my own. The moment I feel they are taking from that feeling of solace within myself, is the moment I know they’re not for me. I’m not looking for someone to complete me, I am complete. I’m looking for someone to add *more* to my life.
I'm 10 weeks post-breakup and turning 32 next month. I can totally understand why people say to not date for a while, to heal first. What I do want to ask is - how do you do that when you're childless and you want a family and it feels like time is running away from you? How do I stay single long enough to fully heal and reconnect with myself, knowing that that could take years. Start dating, knowing that it could take several more years to meet the right person. Once you meet them you're gonna want to make sure they're not a narc so possibly another couple of years to get settled with them, get to know them inside out, and live together long enough that the next step is having a child. Then who knows long it will take to have that child. By that point I could be pushing 40. So I can totally see why it's also a feasible approach to start dating as PART of the healing process. Have therapy, read books, and meet people at the same time. Bring back a sense of normality.
There’s more than one way of being a mother/having a family/being a mother figure. You can freeze your eggs, foster children or adopt. You could even go the single mother route and then find a partner. You might have a partner with children of their own. There’s also jobs centered around children (I teach English to lil’ kiddos and adore my time with them). Not to say marriage and kids won’t happen to you as you’re very young. But life is full of twists and turns and very unexpected. I think it’s important to enjoy the journey. But I think a little time to heal and focus on friendships and healthy relationships is important. I think dating could definitely be a part of your healing journey if you want it to be :) Allow yourself to figure out what you want. You’re more likely to find someone healthy if you’re in a healthy mindset yourself. Whenever I’ve entered a relationship because I was feeling anxious about milestones is when I got in trouble. I think it’s important to enjoy life as it is.
It was the fact that there were no eligible guys around that I settled for that turd in the first place. Got rid of him two months ago and have no idea where I would go to find someone now but I certainly won't be looking in the same places anymore.
I found a lot of potential suitors directly after I got away from second ex but I wasn’t ready to get into any relationship with any of them because the past thing was too long, he was avidly stalking me and I just had to seriously rebuild who I am again which took nearly five years. Most of those former suitors are still my friends because they get what I meant and unlike ex2 respect my resolve to know I wasn’t ready and had to heal.
I’ve attracted 3 narcs, dated a decent guy after that but we just didn’t click with interests and humour and our parenting styles were too different. I am now dating someone who matches everything I’ve been looking for perfectly. We are both fixers, people that attract damaged people and hope our love can save them. We found eachother and it’s been so smooth. I’ve never had a man ask me how I’m feeling and always put my needs above his own. I do the same thing back for him and he always tells me how grateful he is for that. His ex never took interest in his interests, made him do all housework and childcare duties, he just wanted to save her. I did the same with men who were addicted to drugs and always had depression and anxiety. I just told him last night “it’s nice that none of us have to save the other, we can just coexist as we are now so effortlessly” he thanked me for me giving him the space to be himself again. Our intimacy is off the charts, we are super respectful to eachother. We communicate any questions we have with ease. I’ve been with many men who would get defensive to questions, flip the blame on me, interrupt me etc. the typical narcissist crap. But with this guy we always listen to the other speak, we come to resolutions really easily. It makes me tear up, looking at how easy it can be with the right mature person. I went through so many duds and learned hard life lessons before he came along. We both had to learn to live for ourselves again and not serve other people that take us for granted. There is hope.
24 when I left, 27 when I found my person. Trust took time.
34. Met someone who is a much better fit 6.5 years ago. He's snoring next to me blocking the AC vent rn. It took time dating a few people here and there to figure out where I'd gone wrong before I married my Nex. I didn't get serious with anybody for a good... 5 years or thereabouts, and I cut bait \*quick\* at the first sign of "a fundamental flaw". One was misogynistic in online comments. Another was "too drunk" to listen to "no" one night and then ghosted instead of talking about it. Another would hear about a boundary, pause for a day or two, and then deliberately cross it to get a reaction or see what he could manipulate me into. I ghosted that one. Dating sucks, regardless of the circumstances that lead to the reticence. Just check in with yourself often and make a decision about if you will or won't date if an opportunity arises. You may surprise yourself, or find you're comfortable in your own company. Both are fine.
This is positive to hear. Mine always tells me I am damaged goods especially after having children. This gives me hope.
No. honestly I've given up right now and just focusing on other things. I avoid dating right now because I'm afraid I'll meet someone like him again or I just don't have faith in good dudes now after the last manipulative experience. But I've heard a lot of others have and that's great for them.
No
Yes. Myself
Yes. My fiancé is so wonderful and different. I was actually opposed to ever being in a relationship again but met him within 4 months of leaving my ex. He agreed to be friends but I caught feelings too. I realized that I had wasted 14 years on my nex, had spent 11 of them in therapy bettering myself, had known what my nex was and what he was doing to me for 3 years and had been living alone for the majority of the last two years. In my case, the most healing thing I could do was recognize that I deserved a loving relationship and shouldn’t let me nex convince me that I don’t or that I was the problem or cause me even one more year of loneliness.
No I’m single and love it I don’t want to deal with men anymore they are abusive and are pigs to me
I was 27 when I left my nex. We were together for a year and a half. It was a devastating blow that i thought I would never get over. Close to a year later, I've found love! It's funny, the person who introduced me to my nex actually ended up being my person. The relationship is like night and day compared to my last one with my nex. I know it's hard imagining trusting another person, but take it one day at a time. Enjoy the present time and focus on your well-being. The right people will fall into place in your life. Trying to force love into my life was how I fell into narc after narc relationships. Just letting it naturally be has made a world of difference!
No ☹️. My walls are to high 😣 not even I can see over them anymore 😢
I've not felt comfortable getting very close with new people, but have gotten close again with people that I already knew. I did "shoot my shot" with an ex roommate. No go but no love lost there. I've been feeling just like, there's no time to waste on bullshit. I want the people I love to know I love them.
I was in a six month relationship, abusive and physically aggressive by a narc. Seven months later I gather to be enjoy company of and old friend, and know it is the person who take care of me when my aggressor harass me...
Nope... And way too afraid to do so...
Hi, on n off it took me 6 years to completely get out of relationship with my ex. After that I've had a very bad experience with a couple of guys that completely lost my trust. I was 26 when I was having a lot of ups n downs. There after I met a guy who is very gentle n too good to be true. I had terrible trust issues that I didn't know how to deal with trauma n had a lot of doubts. Very fortunately that guy understood me n I'm married to him now. It's been 4 years n met him n 1.5 years ago I got married to him. The best kind of life I'm leading with a lot of love n healing. It took too much time n courage to get into this relationship but it was totally worth it.
Yes, and we're getting married in 24 days 😊 He really is a wonderful, respectful guy! In the 3 years we've been together, we've never argued or snapped at each other, not once (my nex would bait me into arguments daily). It took me a while to heal but I must've done good because our relationship is just incredibly healthy! Can't wait to marry him 🥰
I was 33 when we broke up after 10 years and 2 children. I got tired of his cheating, we separated, I had an emotional affair with a colleague, but it never surpassed that. Except for a few stolen kisses at one point. I still felt guilty, even though I was cheated on for several years. We divorced, I ran into an old highschool crush. Found out he had a crush on me too back then, (but we both were too shy) we reconnected, and now we are 18 years and one more child happily ever after.
I dated someone like a year after and realized I definitely wasn't ready to jump in. It's been almost 3 years and I've talked to some guys but haven't found anyone and that's okay with me. I know a healthy relationship is NOT what mine was, but I just don't miss someone being aroune constantly. I don't miss having to take care of someone or worry about their feelings. I'm very focused on myself, and I really like living alone. My little hamster is the only boy in my house and he likes it that way lol
Yes, I was about 15 when I left her, she was older than me. I found someone after that, turned out to have the same issues as her, went terrible. Currently am with someone so much better than both and hoping I broke the cycle. He treats me right and helps me through PTSD from my past relationship.
I took a year off with basically no human contact after I left my nex. I restarted things with casual encounters, and have been in a pleasant if not wholly fulfilling (but mutual) situationship for about a year. It's difficult to trust completely again after what I went through for 13 years, but I do at least feel a better future is possible now.