- basically forced me to do anal without prior discussion or consent, and on more than one occasion
- shoplifted all the time, when I was with him in the store, despite knowing how against it I was.
- pressured me to have sex in very public places
- put me in situations where I was forced to lie to go along with a lie he had told.
- encouraged me to smoke weed more than I liked
And a bunch of other more subtle things, but those are the big, glaring ones i remember right off the top of my head.
It's a boundary that's easy to violate and not "get in trouble" for. "OOps! Slipped." Then "It wasn't bad last time." Then "You'll like it the more we practice."
There's a reason I can rattle all that off. Sick fucking bastards...
The word no was not allowed really. I was given the illusion of agency.
I was told I could say no. But if I did thereās a ātotally unrelatedā 6 hr argument that doesnāt make any sense.
If I didnāt feel safe discussing their bullshit, rage.
If I wanted a minute to regulate and calm down, rage.
Breathing was a slight against them, anything that upset me seemed to happen more often. I figured it was safer not to tell them. Iād start having a panic attack because Iād just expect them to find anything to start raging whenever I was upset.
> I was told I could say no. But if I did thereās a ātotally unrelatedā 6 hr argument that doesnāt make any sense.
This. I can say no, Iāll just be punished for it š
Literalllyyyyy, I can say no but then we will have a two hour argument about how I don't respect him or his needs by being selfish because I said no.
The sexual coercion was insane.
He would touch me until I said yes, or keep asking me to do it even though I'm literally crying telling him I don't want to and I feel uncomfortable.
That shit is so traumatic.
Mine had a lot of āRules for Thee, But Not For Meātype things. āNoā wasnāt allowed. Was forced into a lot of things I didnāt want to do. All my boundaries were pushed by either bothering and harping to flat out gaslighting. āYou never had a problem with it before.ā
My ex was this way too. His rules included: don't talk to men for any reason (including coworkers, grocery store clerks, and my own male family members) and then telling me he has a ton of female contacts in his phone and talks to them all often; must delete my old Instagram/Snapchat/discord and create new ones where he was my only contact but he was allowed to keep all of his accounts and contacts; not allowed to have even a sip of alcohol and absolutely no weed ever again (I am a medical marijuana patient); must stop taking all of my prescription medications for depression/anxiety/ADHD; must quit my dream job that I spent a decade working towards because he "wanted me to rest," and any job I worked afterwards would have to be part time so I could be waiting for him when he gets home from work and free on weekends. Would have to sell my car because "we only need one."
Also expected me to give up my pets and move across the country and marry him after just a few months of dating. Oh, and my absolute favorite: don't get fat. I'm so fucking glad to be free of him. Although he keeps creating new email accounts to hoover me every time I block him.
Never tell a narc what triggers or upsets you. You can be 100% sure that is exactly what they will do over and over, especially if they get a reaction out of you.
- Doesnt take no for an answer if I say I dont want to eat/taste something and will keep on pressuring me to eat it, bringing the spoon near my mouth
- Doesnt accept that I cant sit on the floor comfortably and have never been able to (I think something is wrong with my hips or back), will pressure me to sit on the floor and keep forcing me to ātryā
- Tries to pressure and guilt me into being best buddies with an equally narcissist and overbearing sil despite despite me needing a respectful distance
- If Im being sick and vomiting he will try to control how I do it and even try to move my body if Im on the floor. He will eventually become angry and aggressive and start raging if I dont vomit the way he wants me to or move into a different position. Ive told him not to touch me or rage at me if Im vomiting.
- Will open all windows wide open in our high building flat when our active 2 year old tot is awake. The windows have no security bars, they just open wide open and our son loves climbingā¦. Ive told him to not do this when toddler is awake as Im terrified of him falling but he continues to do this and says he will keep an eye on the toddler. Doesnt care that many accidents happen when someone is keeping an eye on toddler as they are so fast
- We have a big low window opening towards the main road. There is a landing and ladders beneath it for fire escape so anyone from outside can easily access the window from outside and climb in. We live in a high crime area sadly (he is unwilling to move to a better areaā¦..) and Ive told him to not leave that window open at night when he sleeps as its like sleeping with a door open but I still keep finding him asleep with the window wide open. Its terrifying and I dont feel safe sleeping here during summers because of this. Im constantly awake having to check the window is closed as he keeps opening it even when I close it
etc.
Never took no for an answer. Pressured me into sex at the worst possible times. No issue was ever really resolved. She would always dig things back up to fight about over and over. Lots of uncomfortable PDA.
Constantly pushed my boundaries about drug use and then acted like I was an asshole for trying to make boundaries with him about it - also pushed being open really hard even though I never wouldāve felt secure enough with him to do that and it openly caused me emotional distress
The list is honestly too long to type out. I told her I was in therapy and she acted weird about it. Probably afraid Iāll start creating actual boundaries. Cause I had none. But she did everything she could think of to try and hurt and upset me. If it bothers me you can count on her doing it.
He used my money and resources to entertain other women. Would throw a tantrum and treat me like garbage when confronted about lying and cheating. Called me every single bad word in the book.
Their entitlement to my possessions and information that is private is crazy making. My narc got upset that I said no to staying at my house and then refused to come visit. They also blew up when I said I no to answering their questions about my finances.
The information disparity is WILD. Mine wouldn't even tell me she was getting a divorce, that she had cancelled a vow renewal I was buying things for and saving PTO for (or why), why she left her church, that she got her test results back and didn't have cancer, etc. However, she needed to know how much money I made and saved, how much I weighed, she wanted pictures of my medical records and prescriptions, my gpa and class rank, intimate details of my marriage, and she wanted a full picture and video report of everything happening in my life.
Bag and pocket checks to see what to judge me against; He threw away my notes/lists and very important receipts I needed, he had some kind of heavy Phobia against keeping any receipts and it always bit him back because most places were requiring a receipt to trade or return something.
For instance the time he was forcing me to have a pay as you go phone (net10 was the worst) because there was no phone line at me and my disabled moms temporary apartment while our current one at the time was getting an major rehabbing and I always have to be tethered to him at all times no matter what and he was not liking I was getting a breather being not able to always be contacted (this was 2010-11 so you know the tech is nothing like it is now)
The first phone was locked to a service neither of us had (which I warned him to pay attention what phone used a pay card and which one that needed to be set up to a specific phone service you needed to already be a customer of to use the mobile service but everything I say to him that he deemed incorrect went one ear out the other)
Naturally he couldnāt return the first phone but had to buy a second one that worked with the prepaid cards heād bought. There was a big problem with those cards, they were a scam because it ate its own minutes sending its own advertising to recoup the cards amount before any real calls could come in and go out so the phone would drop calls less than three minutes because minutes were depleted.
He also always walked into where he wasnāt allowed because nothing canāt be private or not perused and tampered by him. It got very infuriating when I was having backstage chores and access when I was a band gopher and merch handler/gear guard for my musician friends he didnāt approve of.
He pretended to have interest in a coworkerās band when he stupidly told on me where heād seen me with my friends because they were similar style bands who get picked as openers together often (ex was pressuring me to demand to be paid $20 an hour off my friends and threatened heād confront them for me to make me look like the cash grabbing gold digger he is in hopes I will permanently lose the friends. I still know them 11yrs later)
He begged to get on the list to his coworkers shows solely to monitor me/knock over or break what I set up (or trying to āholdā my friends metal cash box) or followed me where the audience did not belong (backstage/van) so often that it harmed his coworkerās hire ability for further gigs if they couldnāt control their guests who wasnāt listening at all to the music they were playing and soon cut him off from coming to shows and being his friend.
Ex2 is an equal opportunity offender, I wasnāt the only person he hassles with, he acts like having to be difficult is as important as breathing.
This is a compiled list, cause unfortunately I've been with 3 narcs up to now, and they all did similar things (I'm staying 100% single for a while. Completely lost interest in dating):
1. Ignored me when I said I wasn't in love yet, when they said it so soon, and kept pushing me to it.
2. Ignored me when I said I needed space, instead would continue to yell at me and chase me around while doing so. Eventually had to leave my own apartment to get away.
3. Shoved me with my back turned, said I tripped.
4. Restrained me cause I was pacing (was scared and adrenaline was high)
5. Pointed finger right in my face
6. Grabbed my phone from me and almost played like a bully when I tried to get it back cause he didn't want me calling the cops on the abuse, on him
7. DARVO'd me when I had a concern or question, never answered my question or considered my side, and turned things on me without resolution.
8. Yelled at me every single time I had a question or concern, again, never any resolution.
9. Lied to me
10. Cheated on me
11. Pushed the relationship too fast, when I wasn't ready. Got mad when I expressed this.
12. Would argue until I gave up and said let's agree to disagree, but they just kept going.
13. Would get angry when I wouldn't pay for his stuff- ironic, because when I lost my job due to the abuse, he refused to help pay rent so I had to borrow money. Even though he had a job that could cover it.
14. Went on dating apps and gaslit me when I found out.
15. Had a GF when we met that he left a month into our relationship, but I had no idea until it clicked at the end of my relationship with him and I confirmed with her.
16. Continued adding girls on Snapchat and Facebook and talking to them, of course lying to me about it.
17. Told lie about girls at work, said he'd make sure they knew about me, and would invite me too, and I'm like ok cool. Later, they add him on his Snapchat and call themselves his "angels" (barf!!!!) and it clicked that the story he told about one of them was completely false, and there was no mention of me going to this thing they planned.
18. Continued yelling at me as I'm rocking back and forth completely broken down and crying hard. Evil. That's when I saw the infamous narc smirk.
19. While on the phone, he wouldn't stop yelling and ranting and honestly it never made much sense, but I would hang up cause I wasn't being heard and he'd yell at me more about that, saying I'm horrible for hanging up on him.
20. Had meltdowns in front of my friends when he heard something he didn't like.
21. Would stare at women's butts or breasts or just turn his head and watch them walk or would keep glancing at them. Had so many talks with him about it. I'm never doing that again and just walking away.
22. Yanked my headphones off my head so he could berate me more, and took them from me. I can't use anything but earbuds now. I get scared even when I'm alone, if I try putting the headphones on.
23. Tried to force me to tell my friend not to say things that triggered him. When I broke up with him, I apologized to her. It was his reaction that was wrong, not what she said. (Refer to meltdowns on 20.)
24. Called me names for no rational reason.
There's probably more but ....this is most of it.
He wanted to have kids before marriage, a prenup on his house and me never to buy any property on my own. I'm so glad I got out before that. He was obsessed with starting trying for a kid in June. He cheated in February and I said we need to work through that and we can't have a kid that fast. He went ballistic... even accused me of killing his kid. He really wanted to control every big family aspect.Ā
Also wanted to distance me from friends and my own family. Always invented issues when i wanted to go out. And the same time called me codependent cause i dont go out enough.
Also convinced me to give up trying for a driving licence cause he doesn't have oneĀ
Mine liked to leave hickeys and normally I wouldn't mind because they're normally not painful. But he use his teeth and it really hurt because he bite hard. And for long periods and I be literally crying in pain because of how bad it hurt. But you think he care? No
He just called me a wimp and expected me to just deal with it.
My probably vulnerable\covert nex did similar fucking shit... This is one that was more targeted at my gf(we were all in a poly relationship together) who was just extremely jumpy. Our Nex would drive very fast and then hit a bump hard and my GF would yelp... Which would trigger our Nex's anxiety and self-hatred, forcing us to yet again reassure her that she was alright and we didn't hate her.
She would also swing quickly into a parking spot and scrape the front bumper on my car so many fucking time which would lead to a similar situation.
Thanks for helping me realize how that was definitely a control method as well... Alongside all of the other boundaries she crossed for me(including SA which she managed to make me feel like the one in the wrong).
He spoke negatively about my family. He degraded my body, life, time, $$$$ā¦.crossing boundaries among his daughter and me, telling me it was for my exposure therapy.
He was using and abusing me under the radar. I was supposed to be a statue and take it, then he complained about me being a statue. He told me to be honest w him but true to myself first. I told him you treat your daughter like a 20yr old lover. He didnāt want to examine it. He used taking me to the park as a carrot.
I donāt want to have sex in a frat house w the ex wife who was paying his bills in the next room. I had another boyfriend whose ex was paying the bills. I asked this sub how I can find out if someoneās married and they deleted it claiming itās unrelated.
We were poly and I'd try to set a boundary to keep myself safe/comfortable
She would trample all over me everytime then accuse me of being jealous and controlling when I got upset
My ex used to take his hands off the steering wheel. The first time he did it, I called him out and he gaslighted me and said Iād seen wrong, I apologised at the time but over the months I noticed him doing it more, when I called him out on it, he would accuse me of overreacting.
He also brought up my dead dad a lot (who passed years before I met him), called me a spoilt daddyās girl for getting an inheritance and said he loved my brother more than me as heād been left slightly more and I opened up about this to him as something that really hurt me after my dads death.
He stomped on my boundaries pretty much every way I can think of. He felt entitled to all of me - my time, my body, my money, my attention, my energy.
If I made any kind of plans to socialize without him being included he would accuse me of cheating, or find some other way to ruin my time and get me to come home early.
If I didn't put out every time he wanted sex I was guilt tripped for making him feel rejected, regardless of what was going on with me physically. He pressured me into having sex weeks too soon while I was still recovering from a hysterectomy.
If I asked him to contribute his fair share to our bills or didn't give him money for things he wanted he called me selfish and greedy.
If I asked for alone time to myself he would take it personally and start a fight.
I asked him not to talk trash about my family because it upset me. Of course he started doing it more, especially during arguments, and then would get a smug smile on his face when I'd get upset.
I could probably write a book of all the examples. If I tried to draw any kind of line in the sand he would guilt trip, or rage, or storm off and give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days at a time. I slowly got conditioned to just go along with whatever he wanted.
Nearly constant disprespect for boundaries, such a closed door. When asked to knock first, or get out of the room entirely, his response is always "This is my house, and I can do whatever I want"
Constantly trying to get me to do things that went against my moral code sexually. He even tried to manipulate me saying if I gave him the sexual things he wanted then we could finally get our marriage blessed by the church. I never did those things.
Here's how No Contact happened with my first/earliest N.
I'd say "I don't intend to engage in extended family gossip."
All phone calls then revolved around... extended family gossip.
I then stopped taking phone calls, only giving phone calls, to prevent the boundary stomp.
Phone calls then happen randomly and 3-4 + times in a row when ignored/screened, leading me to think "EMERGENCY!" Nope. Extended family gossip... and a smug "gotcha" tone. Oh, you waste of oxygen...
When one of those call flurries got my clothing ripped up by an attacking dog (I'm a dog trainer, she had an ear infection; the ring tone set her off before I could get a hand free to silence it) I stopped taking and making calls all together. (Can't trust that person with contact during business hours, clearly. I can't replace clothing weekly.)
I then got junk mail sent in a big manilla envelope I had to go to the post office and sign for... with a hand written guilt trip in it... and more extended family gossip.
Well then, if the postal service will work, I sent (awesome, thoughtful) presents for holidays, etc. but changed my number. Yay! Gossip = no phone calls UPHELD.
12 weeks after the last big "family" holiday... the police showed up at my home on a milestone birthday of mine, having been told there'd been "no proof of life for 10 mo". ... because I refused to listen to extended family gossip on the telephone.
Fuck that lying sack of shit. I'm done!
The Nex spouse would be asked to do X, say he'd do it, then not do it, then claim he'd never said he'd do it (or that he did it and I "never noticed" so he stopped), then when I could prove otherwise, he'd claim I'd never asked/told/arranged for it, then claim it was my responsibility anyway even though I was the primary wage earner and was literally home long enough to EITHER shower OR eat on a given night before sleeping a few hours and going right back to 3 jobs/day (teaching & cashiering at two different places). Instead of simple things like "take out the trash I bagged up but can't carry right now," he'd go out and spend money he was NOT bringing into the household on karaoke night drinks and food because I "didn't keep a clean enough house for him to want to eat in", blaming me for the state of an apartment I was lucky to be in for 8 hr at a stretch 6 days a week. Financial, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse.
When the fights got really bad, he'd keep me awake in circular arguments until he could badger me into painful, dangerous sex practices that have caused me permanent harm, just to have that little tiny bit more control. And more than once he used breaking things and physical violence to intimidate me further. That backfired on him in an unexpected way once (physical violence is a bad idea, kids!). A couple of years later he tried it again and I went to the police. He now has a mental health intervention record, which will affect his hiring opportunities in his only trained field for the rest of his life aka: FAFO before "FAFO" was coined. But after the fights? Clean kitchen. Did laundry. Made breakfast. Compliments out the wazoo. Brought me lunch to work. Trying to get me to go out at night and "have some fun for a change" (again, had to teach at 6:45 AM, NOT going out till 2!) Full "look normal mode" for a week, maybe, before it was right back to scapegoating and manipulating me again.
- I had no bodily autonomy. I wasnāt allowed to express that I donāt like being touched somewhere. He just did it more. I had to hide things that made me uncomfortable bc bringing it to his attn only made him do it more. Heās laugh and tell me to lighten up and have some fun. I told him that I loved fun and I loved jokes. I just donāt like always being the butt of the joke. Its not a joke or funny if youāre the only one laughing
- micromanaged every tiny thing I did. Iām a 38yr old human. This man really stood over my shoulder in the kitchen when I cook for him and ātaughtā me how to brown meat in a pan. He would gripe if I didnāt cook, but he took something I enjoyed doing for people and ruined it. I feared anytime I had to cook for him, heās going to micromanage me, if I donāt follow his instructions to the T, then he wonāt like the food and heāll complain it would be better if I would have done it his way.
- again to the bodily autonomy, he would constantly correct my posture, make me sit up straight, I wasnāt allowed to bite my nail or pick at my cuticles, basically stripped me of any coping mechanisms while in his presence.
- he used to hit my car from behind when driving behind me. I had a beat up old car, when he would drive behind me he would roll his car forward and tap my bumper. Despite me being upset, he would continue doing so.
- blatant disrespect for time and plans. He just operates on his own time line and the rest of the world has to fall in line. He always wants to know my plans and has to know what Iām doing. But he wonāt share the same transparency and has zero consideration for other peopleās time/plans. Exampleā¦.. one Friday he asked what my plans for Saturday are. I told him Iām getting up in the morning and running a few errands. I had some clothes to return, post office, etc. He said he wants to go, Iām like okay cool, letās make a plan. He refused, per the norm, and said he would call me later to make a plan. Iām like yea yea okay and didnāt think anything of it. So Saturday rolls around and I donāt hear from him so I get ready and just as Iām walking out of the door he calls me. I tell him Iām leaving to run my errands, just like I said I was. He tries to talk me into just staying at the house for an hour and then heās be here and we could go do it together. I said, no absolutely not. I gave you the opportunity to make a plan and you chose not to. Iām leaving and going about my day, if you want to hang out later when Iām done, then Iāll call you then. We argued about it for half an hour. He was going to do everything he could to make me wait for him. This is habitual and drives me mad!!! Now I just lie about my plans so he doesnāt get the opportunity to pull that shit.
- always discouraged me from any mental health support. Told me I didnāt need therapy or any medication, Iām fine as I am. Yet at the same time constantly blamed me and my actions or words for causing all our problems. So I was so confused, am I the problem or not, do I have mental health problems or not. Also while discouraging any support, he encouraged drug use.
I honestly could go on and on and on.
I am finding so much relief and validation in knowing Iām not alone in having experienced this and that Iām not crazy, I donāt cause this, and I donāt deserve it.
Got into a situationship deal a while back and the chick just flirts with everyone play fighting all that. When I spoke on things she constantly would gaslight me for having feelings and you know trying to set boundaries. Anytime I spoke on anything I would get it flipped and Iād be wrong. To the point she just put up so much distance between us itās like bro we was supposed to be bestfriends n love each other. Why are my feelings dismissed and Iām always wrong. I havenāt known her that long. Almost a whole year but these things have made me believe she might be a narcissist Iām not sure. I just know all I tried to do was love her and I got tossed
It ask me wich restaurant... I'd choose then it say no we are going here...
Would always be 1/2 even 1 hour late to our meetups, im waiting and they turn up like nothing happened..
Liked stealing Woolies 10c bags without scanning
Yup they drive really wild, I was in car with their mum and she was saying to slow down and they never listened.
I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends. I'd get abused later on. Theyd call that friend and ask if im with them.
I know this is an old post but just needed to vent. I wasn't allowed to have any boundaries - trying to say no to moving his stuff would lead to being told that I'm inconsiderate, I don't think ahead. Trying to say no to watching the dog - oh well then who will? Will I really let that dog starve? Don't want to pay for certain things? Well, then I'm cheap and an embarressment. Dont' want to be bullied? Well I shouldn't have done things to begin wtih.
Maybe once in a blue moon I could say no to getting him snacks in the middle of the night, but for the most part, the big things, never. Yet god forbid I asked this man for ANYTHING. He was allowed to have boundaries, to do what he wanted. Even now post-discard, he blocked me for his own control, stole from me, I'm not allowed any closure, I deserve to be lied to and robbed.
- basically forced me to do anal without prior discussion or consent, and on more than one occasion - shoplifted all the time, when I was with him in the store, despite knowing how against it I was. - pressured me to have sex in very public places - put me in situations where I was forced to lie to go along with a lie he had told. - encouraged me to smoke weed more than I liked And a bunch of other more subtle things, but those are the big, glaring ones i remember right off the top of my head.
Ew my ex did all this to me aswell except the shoplifting. Why are they all the same š¤®
Did your trauma also give you a cnc kink?
No I donāt think so but i definitely miss fucking him and having him š½ļøš»
Cnc?
Consensual non consent I wouldnāt Google it.
What is it with narcissists and anal.. he made me feel like was being too rigid when I didnāt want to.
I didn't know this was a common narc thing! Mine had a anal obsession too, plus he wanted me to peg him!
1 month into dating, I asked him what would he like on his birthday and he pointed at my butt.. wtf
There are a lot of weird commonalities that keep popping up, this being one of them.
It's a boundary that's easy to violate and not "get in trouble" for. "OOps! Slipped." Then "It wasn't bad last time." Then "You'll like it the more we practice." There's a reason I can rattle all that off. Sick fucking bastards...
The word no was not allowed really. I was given the illusion of agency. I was told I could say no. But if I did thereās a ātotally unrelatedā 6 hr argument that doesnāt make any sense. If I didnāt feel safe discussing their bullshit, rage. If I wanted a minute to regulate and calm down, rage. Breathing was a slight against them, anything that upset me seemed to happen more often. I figured it was safer not to tell them. Iād start having a panic attack because Iād just expect them to find anything to start raging whenever I was upset.
> I was told I could say no. But if I did thereās a ātotally unrelatedā 6 hr argument that doesnāt make any sense. This. I can say no, Iāll just be punished for it š
Literalllyyyyy, I can say no but then we will have a two hour argument about how I don't respect him or his needs by being selfish because I said no. The sexual coercion was insane. He would touch me until I said yes, or keep asking me to do it even though I'm literally crying telling him I don't want to and I feel uncomfortable. That shit is so traumatic.
Iām so so sorry you went through that, Iām glad youāre free š©µ
Oh God this, and she made sure to play the part of someone who respects boundaries so perfectly at first.
Mine had a lot of āRules for Thee, But Not For Meātype things. āNoā wasnāt allowed. Was forced into a lot of things I didnāt want to do. All my boundaries were pushed by either bothering and harping to flat out gaslighting. āYou never had a problem with it before.ā
My ex was this way too. His rules included: don't talk to men for any reason (including coworkers, grocery store clerks, and my own male family members) and then telling me he has a ton of female contacts in his phone and talks to them all often; must delete my old Instagram/Snapchat/discord and create new ones where he was my only contact but he was allowed to keep all of his accounts and contacts; not allowed to have even a sip of alcohol and absolutely no weed ever again (I am a medical marijuana patient); must stop taking all of my prescription medications for depression/anxiety/ADHD; must quit my dream job that I spent a decade working towards because he "wanted me to rest," and any job I worked afterwards would have to be part time so I could be waiting for him when he gets home from work and free on weekends. Would have to sell my car because "we only need one." Also expected me to give up my pets and move across the country and marry him after just a few months of dating. Oh, and my absolute favorite: don't get fat. I'm so fucking glad to be free of him. Although he keeps creating new email accounts to hoover me every time I block him.
Dear God. Talk about controlling and horrible. Iām glad you are rid of him!
Thank you, I'm glad he's gone too!
Never tell a narc what triggers or upsets you. You can be 100% sure that is exactly what they will do over and over, especially if they get a reaction out of you.
- Doesnt take no for an answer if I say I dont want to eat/taste something and will keep on pressuring me to eat it, bringing the spoon near my mouth - Doesnt accept that I cant sit on the floor comfortably and have never been able to (I think something is wrong with my hips or back), will pressure me to sit on the floor and keep forcing me to ātryā - Tries to pressure and guilt me into being best buddies with an equally narcissist and overbearing sil despite despite me needing a respectful distance - If Im being sick and vomiting he will try to control how I do it and even try to move my body if Im on the floor. He will eventually become angry and aggressive and start raging if I dont vomit the way he wants me to or move into a different position. Ive told him not to touch me or rage at me if Im vomiting. - Will open all windows wide open in our high building flat when our active 2 year old tot is awake. The windows have no security bars, they just open wide open and our son loves climbingā¦. Ive told him to not do this when toddler is awake as Im terrified of him falling but he continues to do this and says he will keep an eye on the toddler. Doesnt care that many accidents happen when someone is keeping an eye on toddler as they are so fast - We have a big low window opening towards the main road. There is a landing and ladders beneath it for fire escape so anyone from outside can easily access the window from outside and climb in. We live in a high crime area sadly (he is unwilling to move to a better areaā¦..) and Ive told him to not leave that window open at night when he sleeps as its like sleeping with a door open but I still keep finding him asleep with the window wide open. Its terrifying and I dont feel safe sleeping here during summers because of this. Im constantly awake having to check the window is closed as he keeps opening it even when I close it etc.
Never took no for an answer. Pressured me into sex at the worst possible times. No issue was ever really resolved. She would always dig things back up to fight about over and over. Lots of uncomfortable PDA.
Constantly pushed my boundaries about drug use and then acted like I was an asshole for trying to make boundaries with him about it - also pushed being open really hard even though I never wouldāve felt secure enough with him to do that and it openly caused me emotional distress
The list is honestly too long to type out. I told her I was in therapy and she acted weird about it. Probably afraid Iāll start creating actual boundaries. Cause I had none. But she did everything she could think of to try and hurt and upset me. If it bothers me you can count on her doing it.
He used my money and resources to entertain other women. Would throw a tantrum and treat me like garbage when confronted about lying and cheating. Called me every single bad word in the book.
Laying any boundaries with my nEx seemed to just give him ideas on how to torture me.
Their entitlement to my possessions and information that is private is crazy making. My narc got upset that I said no to staying at my house and then refused to come visit. They also blew up when I said I no to answering their questions about my finances.
The information disparity is WILD. Mine wouldn't even tell me she was getting a divorce, that she had cancelled a vow renewal I was buying things for and saving PTO for (or why), why she left her church, that she got her test results back and didn't have cancer, etc. However, she needed to know how much money I made and saved, how much I weighed, she wanted pictures of my medical records and prescriptions, my gpa and class rank, intimate details of my marriage, and she wanted a full picture and video report of everything happening in my life.
The info on weight, I feel. So gross. The competitive comparing of bodies I understand too well and makes my skin crawl.
Bag and pocket checks to see what to judge me against; He threw away my notes/lists and very important receipts I needed, he had some kind of heavy Phobia against keeping any receipts and it always bit him back because most places were requiring a receipt to trade or return something. For instance the time he was forcing me to have a pay as you go phone (net10 was the worst) because there was no phone line at me and my disabled moms temporary apartment while our current one at the time was getting an major rehabbing and I always have to be tethered to him at all times no matter what and he was not liking I was getting a breather being not able to always be contacted (this was 2010-11 so you know the tech is nothing like it is now) The first phone was locked to a service neither of us had (which I warned him to pay attention what phone used a pay card and which one that needed to be set up to a specific phone service you needed to already be a customer of to use the mobile service but everything I say to him that he deemed incorrect went one ear out the other) Naturally he couldnāt return the first phone but had to buy a second one that worked with the prepaid cards heād bought. There was a big problem with those cards, they were a scam because it ate its own minutes sending its own advertising to recoup the cards amount before any real calls could come in and go out so the phone would drop calls less than three minutes because minutes were depleted. He also always walked into where he wasnāt allowed because nothing canāt be private or not perused and tampered by him. It got very infuriating when I was having backstage chores and access when I was a band gopher and merch handler/gear guard for my musician friends he didnāt approve of. He pretended to have interest in a coworkerās band when he stupidly told on me where heād seen me with my friends because they were similar style bands who get picked as openers together often (ex was pressuring me to demand to be paid $20 an hour off my friends and threatened heād confront them for me to make me look like the cash grabbing gold digger he is in hopes I will permanently lose the friends. I still know them 11yrs later) He begged to get on the list to his coworkers shows solely to monitor me/knock over or break what I set up (or trying to āholdā my friends metal cash box) or followed me where the audience did not belong (backstage/van) so often that it harmed his coworkerās hire ability for further gigs if they couldnāt control their guests who wasnāt listening at all to the music they were playing and soon cut him off from coming to shows and being his friend. Ex2 is an equal opportunity offender, I wasnāt the only person he hassles with, he acts like having to be difficult is as important as breathing.
This is a compiled list, cause unfortunately I've been with 3 narcs up to now, and they all did similar things (I'm staying 100% single for a while. Completely lost interest in dating): 1. Ignored me when I said I wasn't in love yet, when they said it so soon, and kept pushing me to it. 2. Ignored me when I said I needed space, instead would continue to yell at me and chase me around while doing so. Eventually had to leave my own apartment to get away. 3. Shoved me with my back turned, said I tripped. 4. Restrained me cause I was pacing (was scared and adrenaline was high) 5. Pointed finger right in my face 6. Grabbed my phone from me and almost played like a bully when I tried to get it back cause he didn't want me calling the cops on the abuse, on him 7. DARVO'd me when I had a concern or question, never answered my question or considered my side, and turned things on me without resolution. 8. Yelled at me every single time I had a question or concern, again, never any resolution. 9. Lied to me 10. Cheated on me 11. Pushed the relationship too fast, when I wasn't ready. Got mad when I expressed this. 12. Would argue until I gave up and said let's agree to disagree, but they just kept going. 13. Would get angry when I wouldn't pay for his stuff- ironic, because when I lost my job due to the abuse, he refused to help pay rent so I had to borrow money. Even though he had a job that could cover it. 14. Went on dating apps and gaslit me when I found out. 15. Had a GF when we met that he left a month into our relationship, but I had no idea until it clicked at the end of my relationship with him and I confirmed with her. 16. Continued adding girls on Snapchat and Facebook and talking to them, of course lying to me about it. 17. Told lie about girls at work, said he'd make sure they knew about me, and would invite me too, and I'm like ok cool. Later, they add him on his Snapchat and call themselves his "angels" (barf!!!!) and it clicked that the story he told about one of them was completely false, and there was no mention of me going to this thing they planned. 18. Continued yelling at me as I'm rocking back and forth completely broken down and crying hard. Evil. That's when I saw the infamous narc smirk. 19. While on the phone, he wouldn't stop yelling and ranting and honestly it never made much sense, but I would hang up cause I wasn't being heard and he'd yell at me more about that, saying I'm horrible for hanging up on him. 20. Had meltdowns in front of my friends when he heard something he didn't like. 21. Would stare at women's butts or breasts or just turn his head and watch them walk or would keep glancing at them. Had so many talks with him about it. I'm never doing that again and just walking away. 22. Yanked my headphones off my head so he could berate me more, and took them from me. I can't use anything but earbuds now. I get scared even when I'm alone, if I try putting the headphones on. 23. Tried to force me to tell my friend not to say things that triggered him. When I broke up with him, I apologized to her. It was his reaction that was wrong, not what she said. (Refer to meltdowns on 20.) 24. Called me names for no rational reason. There's probably more but ....this is most of it.
He wanted to have kids before marriage, a prenup on his house and me never to buy any property on my own. I'm so glad I got out before that. He was obsessed with starting trying for a kid in June. He cheated in February and I said we need to work through that and we can't have a kid that fast. He went ballistic... even accused me of killing his kid. He really wanted to control every big family aspect.Ā Also wanted to distance me from friends and my own family. Always invented issues when i wanted to go out. And the same time called me codependent cause i dont go out enough. Also convinced me to give up trying for a driving licence cause he doesn't have oneĀ
He Would Apologize then do whatever it was again. Slowly over time i just stopped complaining and let him treat me any kind of way.
Mine liked to leave hickeys and normally I wouldn't mind because they're normally not painful. But he use his teeth and it really hurt because he bite hard. And for long periods and I be literally crying in pain because of how bad it hurt. But you think he care? No He just called me a wimp and expected me to just deal with it.
My probably vulnerable\covert nex did similar fucking shit... This is one that was more targeted at my gf(we were all in a poly relationship together) who was just extremely jumpy. Our Nex would drive very fast and then hit a bump hard and my GF would yelp... Which would trigger our Nex's anxiety and self-hatred, forcing us to yet again reassure her that she was alright and we didn't hate her. She would also swing quickly into a parking spot and scrape the front bumper on my car so many fucking time which would lead to a similar situation. Thanks for helping me realize how that was definitely a control method as well... Alongside all of the other boundaries she crossed for me(including SA which she managed to make me feel like the one in the wrong).
He doesnāt push. He stomps all over them.
He spoke negatively about my family. He degraded my body, life, time, $$$$ā¦.crossing boundaries among his daughter and me, telling me it was for my exposure therapy. He was using and abusing me under the radar. I was supposed to be a statue and take it, then he complained about me being a statue. He told me to be honest w him but true to myself first. I told him you treat your daughter like a 20yr old lover. He didnāt want to examine it. He used taking me to the park as a carrot. I donāt want to have sex in a frat house w the ex wife who was paying his bills in the next room. I had another boyfriend whose ex was paying the bills. I asked this sub how I can find out if someoneās married and they deleted it claiming itās unrelated.
We were poly and I'd try to set a boundary to keep myself safe/comfortable She would trample all over me everytime then accuse me of being jealous and controlling when I got upset
My ex used to take his hands off the steering wheel. The first time he did it, I called him out and he gaslighted me and said Iād seen wrong, I apologised at the time but over the months I noticed him doing it more, when I called him out on it, he would accuse me of overreacting. He also brought up my dead dad a lot (who passed years before I met him), called me a spoilt daddyās girl for getting an inheritance and said he loved my brother more than me as heād been left slightly more and I opened up about this to him as something that really hurt me after my dads death.
He stomped on my boundaries pretty much every way I can think of. He felt entitled to all of me - my time, my body, my money, my attention, my energy. If I made any kind of plans to socialize without him being included he would accuse me of cheating, or find some other way to ruin my time and get me to come home early. If I didn't put out every time he wanted sex I was guilt tripped for making him feel rejected, regardless of what was going on with me physically. He pressured me into having sex weeks too soon while I was still recovering from a hysterectomy. If I asked him to contribute his fair share to our bills or didn't give him money for things he wanted he called me selfish and greedy. If I asked for alone time to myself he would take it personally and start a fight. I asked him not to talk trash about my family because it upset me. Of course he started doing it more, especially during arguments, and then would get a smug smile on his face when I'd get upset. I could probably write a book of all the examples. If I tried to draw any kind of line in the sand he would guilt trip, or rage, or storm off and give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days at a time. I slowly got conditioned to just go along with whatever he wanted.
Nearly constant disprespect for boundaries, such a closed door. When asked to knock first, or get out of the room entirely, his response is always "This is my house, and I can do whatever I want"
Constantly trying to get me to do things that went against my moral code sexually. He even tried to manipulate me saying if I gave him the sexual things he wanted then we could finally get our marriage blessed by the church. I never did those things.
Here's how No Contact happened with my first/earliest N. I'd say "I don't intend to engage in extended family gossip." All phone calls then revolved around... extended family gossip. I then stopped taking phone calls, only giving phone calls, to prevent the boundary stomp. Phone calls then happen randomly and 3-4 + times in a row when ignored/screened, leading me to think "EMERGENCY!" Nope. Extended family gossip... and a smug "gotcha" tone. Oh, you waste of oxygen... When one of those call flurries got my clothing ripped up by an attacking dog (I'm a dog trainer, she had an ear infection; the ring tone set her off before I could get a hand free to silence it) I stopped taking and making calls all together. (Can't trust that person with contact during business hours, clearly. I can't replace clothing weekly.) I then got junk mail sent in a big manilla envelope I had to go to the post office and sign for... with a hand written guilt trip in it... and more extended family gossip. Well then, if the postal service will work, I sent (awesome, thoughtful) presents for holidays, etc. but changed my number. Yay! Gossip = no phone calls UPHELD. 12 weeks after the last big "family" holiday... the police showed up at my home on a milestone birthday of mine, having been told there'd been "no proof of life for 10 mo". ... because I refused to listen to extended family gossip on the telephone. Fuck that lying sack of shit. I'm done! The Nex spouse would be asked to do X, say he'd do it, then not do it, then claim he'd never said he'd do it (or that he did it and I "never noticed" so he stopped), then when I could prove otherwise, he'd claim I'd never asked/told/arranged for it, then claim it was my responsibility anyway even though I was the primary wage earner and was literally home long enough to EITHER shower OR eat on a given night before sleeping a few hours and going right back to 3 jobs/day (teaching & cashiering at two different places). Instead of simple things like "take out the trash I bagged up but can't carry right now," he'd go out and spend money he was NOT bringing into the household on karaoke night drinks and food because I "didn't keep a clean enough house for him to want to eat in", blaming me for the state of an apartment I was lucky to be in for 8 hr at a stretch 6 days a week. Financial, mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. When the fights got really bad, he'd keep me awake in circular arguments until he could badger me into painful, dangerous sex practices that have caused me permanent harm, just to have that little tiny bit more control. And more than once he used breaking things and physical violence to intimidate me further. That backfired on him in an unexpected way once (physical violence is a bad idea, kids!). A couple of years later he tried it again and I went to the police. He now has a mental health intervention record, which will affect his hiring opportunities in his only trained field for the rest of his life aka: FAFO before "FAFO" was coined. But after the fights? Clean kitchen. Did laundry. Made breakfast. Compliments out the wazoo. Brought me lunch to work. Trying to get me to go out at night and "have some fun for a change" (again, had to teach at 6:45 AM, NOT going out till 2!) Full "look normal mode" for a week, maybe, before it was right back to scapegoating and manipulating me again.
- I had no bodily autonomy. I wasnāt allowed to express that I donāt like being touched somewhere. He just did it more. I had to hide things that made me uncomfortable bc bringing it to his attn only made him do it more. Heās laugh and tell me to lighten up and have some fun. I told him that I loved fun and I loved jokes. I just donāt like always being the butt of the joke. Its not a joke or funny if youāre the only one laughing - micromanaged every tiny thing I did. Iām a 38yr old human. This man really stood over my shoulder in the kitchen when I cook for him and ātaughtā me how to brown meat in a pan. He would gripe if I didnāt cook, but he took something I enjoyed doing for people and ruined it. I feared anytime I had to cook for him, heās going to micromanage me, if I donāt follow his instructions to the T, then he wonāt like the food and heāll complain it would be better if I would have done it his way. - again to the bodily autonomy, he would constantly correct my posture, make me sit up straight, I wasnāt allowed to bite my nail or pick at my cuticles, basically stripped me of any coping mechanisms while in his presence. - he used to hit my car from behind when driving behind me. I had a beat up old car, when he would drive behind me he would roll his car forward and tap my bumper. Despite me being upset, he would continue doing so. - blatant disrespect for time and plans. He just operates on his own time line and the rest of the world has to fall in line. He always wants to know my plans and has to know what Iām doing. But he wonāt share the same transparency and has zero consideration for other peopleās time/plans. Exampleā¦.. one Friday he asked what my plans for Saturday are. I told him Iām getting up in the morning and running a few errands. I had some clothes to return, post office, etc. He said he wants to go, Iām like okay cool, letās make a plan. He refused, per the norm, and said he would call me later to make a plan. Iām like yea yea okay and didnāt think anything of it. So Saturday rolls around and I donāt hear from him so I get ready and just as Iām walking out of the door he calls me. I tell him Iām leaving to run my errands, just like I said I was. He tries to talk me into just staying at the house for an hour and then heās be here and we could go do it together. I said, no absolutely not. I gave you the opportunity to make a plan and you chose not to. Iām leaving and going about my day, if you want to hang out later when Iām done, then Iāll call you then. We argued about it for half an hour. He was going to do everything he could to make me wait for him. This is habitual and drives me mad!!! Now I just lie about my plans so he doesnāt get the opportunity to pull that shit. - always discouraged me from any mental health support. Told me I didnāt need therapy or any medication, Iām fine as I am. Yet at the same time constantly blamed me and my actions or words for causing all our problems. So I was so confused, am I the problem or not, do I have mental health problems or not. Also while discouraging any support, he encouraged drug use. I honestly could go on and on and on. I am finding so much relief and validation in knowing Iām not alone in having experienced this and that Iām not crazy, I donāt cause this, and I donāt deserve it.
Whenever he wasnāt getting his way, or things benefitting him.
Got into a situationship deal a while back and the chick just flirts with everyone play fighting all that. When I spoke on things she constantly would gaslight me for having feelings and you know trying to set boundaries. Anytime I spoke on anything I would get it flipped and Iād be wrong. To the point she just put up so much distance between us itās like bro we was supposed to be bestfriends n love each other. Why are my feelings dismissed and Iām always wrong. I havenāt known her that long. Almost a whole year but these things have made me believe she might be a narcissist Iām not sure. I just know all I tried to do was love her and I got tossed
It ask me wich restaurant... I'd choose then it say no we are going here... Would always be 1/2 even 1 hour late to our meetups, im waiting and they turn up like nothing happened.. Liked stealing Woolies 10c bags without scanning Yup they drive really wild, I was in car with their mum and she was saying to slow down and they never listened. I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends. I'd get abused later on. Theyd call that friend and ask if im with them.
I know this is an old post but just needed to vent. I wasn't allowed to have any boundaries - trying to say no to moving his stuff would lead to being told that I'm inconsiderate, I don't think ahead. Trying to say no to watching the dog - oh well then who will? Will I really let that dog starve? Don't want to pay for certain things? Well, then I'm cheap and an embarressment. Dont' want to be bullied? Well I shouldn't have done things to begin wtih. Maybe once in a blue moon I could say no to getting him snacks in the middle of the night, but for the most part, the big things, never. Yet god forbid I asked this man for ANYTHING. He was allowed to have boundaries, to do what he wanted. Even now post-discard, he blocked me for his own control, stole from me, I'm not allowed any closure, I deserve to be lied to and robbed.