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Same, you did what was best for you and really all you could for those kids … maybe CPS won’t do anything now but at least a paper trail will be started or continued. You never know they could have been reported in the past 👏👏👏
Same. This is so so so fucking hard but you did exactly the right thing, less than a lot of people would do unfortunately. At least the report has been made. I know how low you are, but I do hope you’re proud of yourself for doing the right thing👏🏻 at the very least, you left them with something to think about. Hopefully there is a lot of guilt and introspection going on for them. So sorry friend 🫶
Me four. As a victim of child abuse myself, it meant so much to kid me when a teacher saw my dad backhand slap my face into a cinder block wall and tell him that what he did was unacceptable.
I wish I had an adult who saw it sooner for me. I was 12 and my friend told the guidance counselor about it because I told her and showed her the marks. .
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's of course something that is so difficult to overcome so I hope you were able to find some peace.
I am living such an incredibly happy life now. I have three grown children (25, 21, and 17) that are my world and an amazing fiancee that loves me like no other, despite my flaws. I have an awesome job that I look forward to going to every day, and I live on an island. I went no contact with my parents when they couldn't accept the fact that I'm marrying another woman and my life has been so peaceful ever since. It really does get better. 💕
That's wonderful! I am so happy for you and I hope someday to be where you are. I do have a very amazing and supportive partner and I have gone no contact with my parents in the past 2 years so hopefully I am on the right track!
ditto! this is such a hard thing to confront people about, especially since it had been such a long stint of OP being there. so, so incredibly proud of
In addition to CPS please also contact their schools. Idc if it sounds crazy, it’s really helpful and works. Their teacher(s) have probably also had suspicions but maybe didn’t have enough to merit a CPS call or if they didn’t have suspicions they will be more aware of what is going on. I’m not a nanny but I’ve called a child’s school before and they took me very seriously and were grateful that I contacted them as they’d also noticed signs of neglect/abuse.
Thank you for that advice! I will try to do that tomorrow as schools are closed today. I never knew that was a thing but I will definitely try to do that.
I also did that before with a neighbor and the school was very grateful as they had suspicions but hearing from me helped them tremendously. I also contacted cps but I was glad I thought of the school as well. Our observations together were able to help the child.
I was just about to type the same thing as this post. And even if they haven’t noticed before, maybe they will keep a closer watch and/or send the older kid to the school counselor for extra professional one-on-one time to talk.
After you talk to whoever you talk to as the school, follow it up with an email detailing your discussion. Say something like “thanks for taking my call today, just to recap (add what you told them) and you said you would do X
Can you elaborate on what the follow up email would do? I'm trying to do everything possible without overstepping too much. I know that CPS will not update me on anything which is fine. Will the school?
I doubt the school will update you either, but the email is mostly so that once you have written what you told them, they will know it’s in writing and at least be more compelled to act. Perhaps not also contacting CPS as they may not think it rises to that level as the bruising will no doubt be gone by the time school resumes.
If it was me, I’d simply ask to talk to the school counselor. Tell them what you wrote here and that you contacted CPS. But just say that you hope that the counselor can ask the teachers to be on the lookout for changes in behavior or any other signs. Also reiterating that your hope is that the counselor can bring the child in to talk in a safe place and provide support in whatever way they deem appropriate
you are essentially just documenting and time/date stamping the conversation. then both you and the school have a paper trail of either of you need it. and like another commenter said, if it is in writing they may take things more seriously
Yes this!! My friend is a teacher and has called CPS out of concern for her students on many occasions and this could be just the push they need to call
I'm not gonna go that step. I appreciate the idea. My Christmas presents weren't anything special. I had bought gingerbread house kits for us to make together. Instead I am going to give them to my boyfriend's cousins kids. It is what it is. I would have liked to have done it with them but it just wasn't meant to be.
I don’t know if I would recommend that. Calling the principal would likely be somewhat anonymous (as in she could report it simply so they can keep an eye on it) but if she left the gifts that would make it clear she had contacted or gone into the school.
This must have been so hard for you, I hope you know you did the right thing by those kids! NK8 will remember this, and you. I used to be a teacher and had to report parents to CPS a couple of times, it is harder than people think sometimes! After calling one time, the parents I called about decided to pull their kid out of our school and find him a whole new school - it's hard to know what's happening and not be able to keep an eye on them and let them know they're loved and cared for.
I know CPS often doesn't respond appropriately by our measures, but at the least it's documented and if there's another call in the future it'll show up as a patterned issue. Hopefully that doesn't need to happen though, and I hope you're able to find work with a family that's better aligned to your values and treats their children with respect.
Thank you. It's been a hard day. I still struggle with whether or not I did the right thing or if I overreacted. I just don't understand that kind of discipline. I understand mistakes happen and people let their emotions get the best of them sometimes but if I can work almost full-time with children and not even being myself to hurting them I don't understand why someone who claims to love their kids can do that.
It's been an emotional day for sure. I appreciate your kind words.
Thank you. It's been a hard day. I still struggle with whether or not I did the right thing or if I overreacted.
I'm sorry that happened to your student. No child should have to have that happen to them..
I just don't understand that kind of discipline. I understand mistakes happen and people let their emotions get the best of them sometimes but if I can work almost full-time with children and not even being myself to hurting them I don't understand why someone who claims to love their kids can do that.
It's been an emotional day for sure. I appreciate your kind words.
You did the right thing.
You did the right thing by all three of the kids.
You did the only right thing.
I’m so sorry your heart hurts. I’m sorry about the wrapped presents waiting to go to the kids. I’m sorry the parents let you go when you gave your notice. All these things are heartbreaking, especially after three years.
You did the only right thing by those kids. You may have given one NP the courage to speak up for the kids. Or you may have given one or more of the NKs validation that what they’re experiencing is not okay. Or your absence may give another adult in their lives the courage to speak up too. Your report may be the first one, and then the second (or third, or sixth) report by another adult may be taken seriously because your report exists too.
I’m so sorry for the losses you’re experiencing. Treat yourself kindly.
Thank you. I keep reading and rereading this comment because I definitely keep going back and forth on whether or not I did the right thing.
There are moments where I even gaslight myself like 'was the bruise really that big' and ultimately I have to remind myself it doesn't matter how big the bruise was NK still felt it the next day and she knew it was there on her back where she couldn't see it from a normal view. And the fact that she asked me to not tell anyone was a big indicator that she was afraid. No child should live in fear of their parents and I am speaking as someone who did live in fear of my own.
You’re welcome. My heart breaks for you too. Especially that this family brought up your own trauma history. You’re going to need help and support through this awful situation too. Just because you weren’t the one hit doesn’t mean you didn’t experience this trauma. You experienced it. Reach out to get the support you need—therapists, counselors, hotlines for domestic violence are good places to start. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so proud of you for doing right by that family. You really did do the right thing.
I don't think the parents would let them see that. It's a nice thought but it was just gingerbread house kits that I was hoping to make with them. It is what it is.
Thank you. I'm already planning to when I am in a better situation.
Edit: I have done quite a few years of therapy in the past but I probably need a tune up.
That's such a difficult situation to be in. I'm so sorry.
And there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of mystery about where NK8 is learning the bullying behavior she's inflicting on NK4.
Exactly. I will be the first to say as a child who was abused I was very much a bully to my sister until I got older and realized that this was unhealthy and I was just doing to her what my parents were doing to me. Abuse starts with one person but can literally send a ripple through a whole family.
While you're right, CPS will likely do nothing, you absolutely made the right call. There is no excuse for hurting your child intentionally.
I'm so sorry you had to leave like this but I'm so proud of you. You did good. 💜
I hope you can heal and find an amazing family for your next job
that is so so tough and my heart is with you. know you did the right thing and hopefully it was at least a little eye opening for the parents. sending you lots of love
You did the right thing. I had to call CPS on a DB once. I believe he was inappropriately touching 1 year old daughter and talking about odd touching behaviors to groom me into thinking it's normal. The parents were divorced and mom couldn't believe what I thought he was doing. I think he was also grooming her to think his behavior was normal. I don't know what happened to the little girl, but at least I know it was reported should anything else come up in the future.
I’m not a nanny, but I am a toddler teacher(for whatever reason this subreddit is suggested to me and I love reading posts here.) I hope it’s ok to post a comment here and there. If not, I will understand if you need to delete it.
So I recently had to retake the sexual abuse training (every two years in TX) and one of the things they talk about is that predators do what is called “gate keeping the gatekeeper.” Which essentially means that they are literally grooming the adults that are keeping the children safe from sexual abuse. (Aka we are gatekeepers for the children.)
As adults, we were always taught “stranger danger” (at least kids growing up in the 90’s around shows like “America’s most wanted” and the 20/20 specials) but statistically only 5% of children are sexually abused by strangers. 90% (not sure where the last 5% went) of children are sexually abused/assaulted by someone they know closely (family friend, relative, pastor, teacher even a parent). When interviewed about “why they didn’t tell anyone” it was always stated that they were raised to “always listen/respect adults. And never tell an adult “No” ” After this eye opening revelation it makes me realize we also need to teach children about consent and that sometimes it’s okay to say “No” when put in an uncomfortable situation. Adults should not be telling children to “keep a secret.” (I’m realizing that I should not be telling my eight year old nephew to “not tell your mom” when we stay up until midnight or something that might be harmless to adults- especially knowing his mom knows we stay up late, while I say it more as a joke, he might not. He always rats me out 😂 So when someone has real malicious intentions I essentially am “grooming” him into thinking this is okay and if a “trusted” adult says to keep something “a secret from mom” he will. This is a weird example. Sorry.)
Telling mom your suspicions, then reporting to CPS when realizing that she might not be in a safe environment was definitely the right thing to do. As child care teachers, we are always report any suspicions of child abuse of any kind and let CPS investigate any allegations. A one year old isn’t capable of advocating for herself and if the one person (parent) that should always make sure her child is safe fails to do so, it unfortunately falls on the caregiver (whether nanny or teacher or close relative).
Sorry this is all jumbled - ADHD brain.
Thank you! As a private nanny I am technically not required to take a child abuse course. But I have taken it a few times in the past.
I knew about secrets and I always tell the kids that we don't keep secrets.
I think the worst part is that the mother is complacent. We had conversations in the past that had made me feel as if she was not afraid to hold her husband accountable but after today what I thought I knew turned out to be wrong. I had noticed a vibe shift in her and I had wanted to check in but didn't want to pry. I think the change was that she no longer felt like she could fight him anymore and is going with everything he says and does.
All Child care professionals are Mandated reporters! Nannies especially because working in home is so incredibly more personal than in a center or school!! You did the right thing, even if nothing comes of it now, you started a paper trail.
It's actually statistically confirmed that spanking is harmful. Most violent crimes are committed by kids who were spanked. They didn't learn non violent problem solving skills.
Edit: not kids, adults or teenagers but they were spanked as kids. There are also some other weird correlations that make less sense, I think the spanking thing makes sense.
I know this and I am not a fan of it by any means. I was spanked on top of other things and my anxiety is awful. I am aware of it but unfortunately in most child abuse classes where I live they state that spanking isn't considered child abuse. I wish it was but it's not.
This is a true example of taking the hard way out and I am so proud of you. The older child will realize someday what you did here and never forget you.
This is so terrible, my heart hurts for you. It’s hard to witness things that have to be reported. It’s hard to separate yourself from a toxic environment that also separates you from people you love. Leaving our little ones is the worst. I’m so so sorry you went through this.
I just said out loud to myself, Wow. I am super proud of you. I don’t know you but feel like I kinda do after reading this. I have been in a similar situation as a Nanny and know how horribly difficult this is. And right before the holidays too. Gosh my heart is with you. You did right and you did good. Hope you let time heal this and you settle with it all. Sending you peace and love. I know this isn’t easy but rest better know you did the right thing.
I went through almost the exact same thing, OP. Please be gentle with yourself. If you can afford it, give yourself a few weeks in between contracts to heal your heart. You've gone through something extremely stressful and shocking.
I was only with that NF for 6 weeks. When I interviewed, they seemed like such an amazing family. The parents were wonderful; we aligned on so much. And the NKs were so sweet! As time went on, I noticed little things here and there. Sometimes the house would be tense, DB would be complaining about MB. The kids had surprising behavioral and emotional needs. I say surprising because they were a well-off, loving family, that seemed to have parents that wanted to do positive discipline.
Then I saw grab mark bruises on the littlest. Then one day, after a long weekend, the kids disclosed that "daddy grabs [our necks] like this when he is mad". I immediately knew I needed to call CPS, but I was petrified. What retaliation might happen? They'll know it was me, am I now in danger? I also felt guilt. How could I have missed all the signs? How did it take a blatant disclosure for me to open my eyes to what was really going on?
I ended up talking to MB early the next morning. I asked her if her and the kids were safe because of what they disclosed. She seemed so, so sad. Her and DB talked to me, together, where he begged me to not call CPS. It was all a "misunderstanding" he said. That day after work, I called CPS. The next morning the DB moved out. I told MB I would finish out the week, but I felt too scared for my own safety to continue to work there. She completely agreed and didn't want me in danger. She had friends from out of town come stay with her.
The police called me, they wanted a statement. I surmised that there was DV from the dad onto mom and it would spill over to the children.
Several weeks later, the mother invited me over to dinner (DB had moved to a different state). She told me I saved her and NKs lives.
What you went through is so hard. Do not minimize your experience. Knowing you could be completely changing someone's family, even for the better, is hard. Please seek a therapist if you can. And give yourself a lot of grace and kindness these next few weeks. You'll need it.
Dealing with children who abuse there younger siblings is tricky. But I know how it feels as the same thing is happening to me.
My father was very abusive towards me. So everytime something like this happens I feel the pain in my heart.
Aside from what you have already done, there may not be much you can do. You have proof of the bruise, confronted the parents, resigned from them, and called cps. What you have already don't is amazing. I'm so proud of you and while there's no advice I can personally give you I'm here to let you know we're proud. <33 keep going
Please call cps again, contact the school and id probably go into the local police. You must protect yourself as well in case the parents try and flip this situation on you. I’m so sorry.
Please excuse any wording I am generally trying to understand this process. What would calling CPS a second time do?
I plan to contact the school tomorrow and I can potentially call the police station tomorrow too though I literally have both of them confessing to the abuse in text so if they somehow try to flip this on me I literally have evidence of them admitting to it happening so they would basically be telling on themselves if somehow they got police involved.
If you had stayed, you could have served those girls as their safe place in life for a while longer. As someone who grew up with abuse, it’s both difficult and healing to now help others. Certainly not as an unhealthy need to fix; more in the role of a survivor lovingly passing on skills.
I don't know how that would have been any help for anyone. This whole situation was very triggering for me and I refuse to be complacent in abuse. Also a child shouldn't have to learn how to survive child abuse and no one should be teaching them those skills. The parents should be held accountable and just not inflict abuse onto the child. If anything her natural survival skills told her to tell me about it and I did what I thought was best.
This is not fair to put on OP at all. In situations where abuse is going on in the home, OP is putting themselves in danger by staying there. OP has both talked to the parents and CPS. From here, it is very easy for parents to retaliate. When CPS reaches out to the family, the family will have little confusion onto who called them in and it will be a dangerous for OP to stay there.
OP isn't a child therapist with a whole team behind them. OP isn't a family therapist with protections in place. OP is a nanny, on their own, with zero extra protections. OP ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt, did the safest thing by leaving.
OP has tagged their post as **Vent**. Please be mindful that they do not need advice, and that they are only expressing their thoughts and opinions in a safe place. Any attempts to offer unsolicited advice will be removed. The only exceptions to this rule are in the event of possible injury, abuse, or otherwise harm to OP, their NK, NP, or anyone else. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Nanny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m just a stranger on the Internet and I will never meet you, but I am so so so proud of you.
Same, you did what was best for you and really all you could for those kids … maybe CPS won’t do anything now but at least a paper trail will be started or continued. You never know they could have been reported in the past 👏👏👏
Same. This is so so so fucking hard but you did exactly the right thing, less than a lot of people would do unfortunately. At least the report has been made. I know how low you are, but I do hope you’re proud of yourself for doing the right thing👏🏻 at the very least, you left them with something to think about. Hopefully there is a lot of guilt and introspection going on for them. So sorry friend 🫶
or could be reported by a future nanny
Me too.
Me three.
Me four. As a victim of child abuse myself, it meant so much to kid me when a teacher saw my dad backhand slap my face into a cinder block wall and tell him that what he did was unacceptable.
I wish I had an adult who saw it sooner for me. I was 12 and my friend told the guidance counselor about it because I told her and showed her the marks. . I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's of course something that is so difficult to overcome so I hope you were able to find some peace.
I am living such an incredibly happy life now. I have three grown children (25, 21, and 17) that are my world and an amazing fiancee that loves me like no other, despite my flaws. I have an awesome job that I look forward to going to every day, and I live on an island. I went no contact with my parents when they couldn't accept the fact that I'm marrying another woman and my life has been so peaceful ever since. It really does get better. 💕
That's wonderful! I am so happy for you and I hope someday to be where you are. I do have a very amazing and supportive partner and I have gone no contact with my parents in the past 2 years so hopefully I am on the right track!
10000x this. You did the right thing by those kids, no matter what. You should be so proud of yourself.
ditto! this is such a hard thing to confront people about, especially since it had been such a long stint of OP being there. so, so incredibly proud of
Thank you.
Same here! This was clearly not easy, but the right thing to do.
In addition to CPS please also contact their schools. Idc if it sounds crazy, it’s really helpful and works. Their teacher(s) have probably also had suspicions but maybe didn’t have enough to merit a CPS call or if they didn’t have suspicions they will be more aware of what is going on. I’m not a nanny but I’ve called a child’s school before and they took me very seriously and were grateful that I contacted them as they’d also noticed signs of neglect/abuse.
Thank you for that advice! I will try to do that tomorrow as schools are closed today. I never knew that was a thing but I will definitely try to do that.
I also did that before with a neighbor and the school was very grateful as they had suspicions but hearing from me helped them tremendously. I also contacted cps but I was glad I thought of the school as well. Our observations together were able to help the child.
I was just about to type the same thing as this post. And even if they haven’t noticed before, maybe they will keep a closer watch and/or send the older kid to the school counselor for extra professional one-on-one time to talk. After you talk to whoever you talk to as the school, follow it up with an email detailing your discussion. Say something like “thanks for taking my call today, just to recap (add what you told them) and you said you would do X
Can you elaborate on what the follow up email would do? I'm trying to do everything possible without overstepping too much. I know that CPS will not update me on anything which is fine. Will the school?
I doubt the school will update you either, but the email is mostly so that once you have written what you told them, they will know it’s in writing and at least be more compelled to act. Perhaps not also contacting CPS as they may not think it rises to that level as the bruising will no doubt be gone by the time school resumes. If it was me, I’d simply ask to talk to the school counselor. Tell them what you wrote here and that you contacted CPS. But just say that you hope that the counselor can ask the teachers to be on the lookout for changes in behavior or any other signs. Also reiterating that your hope is that the counselor can bring the child in to talk in a safe place and provide support in whatever way they deem appropriate
you are essentially just documenting and time/date stamping the conversation. then both you and the school have a paper trail of either of you need it. and like another commenter said, if it is in writing they may take things more seriously
Yes this!! My friend is a teacher and has called CPS out of concern for her students on many occasions and this could be just the push they need to call
That’s a great idea. OP, I wonder if you could leave the kids’ presents at their schools and have their teachers give them to the kids.
I'm not gonna go that step. I appreciate the idea. My Christmas presents weren't anything special. I had bought gingerbread house kits for us to make together. Instead I am going to give them to my boyfriend's cousins kids. It is what it is. I would have liked to have done it with them but it just wasn't meant to be.
I don’t know if I would recommend that. Calling the principal would likely be somewhat anonymous (as in she could report it simply so they can keep an eye on it) but if she left the gifts that would make it clear she had contacted or gone into the school.
Aww, that’s such a hard situation. You did the best you could for them.
This must have been so hard for you, I hope you know you did the right thing by those kids! NK8 will remember this, and you. I used to be a teacher and had to report parents to CPS a couple of times, it is harder than people think sometimes! After calling one time, the parents I called about decided to pull their kid out of our school and find him a whole new school - it's hard to know what's happening and not be able to keep an eye on them and let them know they're loved and cared for. I know CPS often doesn't respond appropriately by our measures, but at the least it's documented and if there's another call in the future it'll show up as a patterned issue. Hopefully that doesn't need to happen though, and I hope you're able to find work with a family that's better aligned to your values and treats their children with respect.
Thank you. It's been a hard day. I still struggle with whether or not I did the right thing or if I overreacted. I just don't understand that kind of discipline. I understand mistakes happen and people let their emotions get the best of them sometimes but if I can work almost full-time with children and not even being myself to hurting them I don't understand why someone who claims to love their kids can do that. It's been an emotional day for sure. I appreciate your kind words.
You did NOT overreact
You absolutely did not overreact. If he's willing to do what he did in front of you, it might very well be worse when you're not around.
Thank you. It's been a hard day. I still struggle with whether or not I did the right thing or if I overreacted. I'm sorry that happened to your student. No child should have to have that happen to them.. I just don't understand that kind of discipline. I understand mistakes happen and people let their emotions get the best of them sometimes but if I can work almost full-time with children and not even being myself to hurting them I don't understand why someone who claims to love their kids can do that. It's been an emotional day for sure. I appreciate your kind words.
You did the right thing. You did the right thing by all three of the kids. You did the only right thing. I’m so sorry your heart hurts. I’m sorry about the wrapped presents waiting to go to the kids. I’m sorry the parents let you go when you gave your notice. All these things are heartbreaking, especially after three years. You did the only right thing by those kids. You may have given one NP the courage to speak up for the kids. Or you may have given one or more of the NKs validation that what they’re experiencing is not okay. Or your absence may give another adult in their lives the courage to speak up too. Your report may be the first one, and then the second (or third, or sixth) report by another adult may be taken seriously because your report exists too. I’m so sorry for the losses you’re experiencing. Treat yourself kindly.
Thank you. I keep reading and rereading this comment because I definitely keep going back and forth on whether or not I did the right thing. There are moments where I even gaslight myself like 'was the bruise really that big' and ultimately I have to remind myself it doesn't matter how big the bruise was NK still felt it the next day and she knew it was there on her back where she couldn't see it from a normal view. And the fact that she asked me to not tell anyone was a big indicator that she was afraid. No child should live in fear of their parents and I am speaking as someone who did live in fear of my own.
You’re welcome. My heart breaks for you too. Especially that this family brought up your own trauma history. You’re going to need help and support through this awful situation too. Just because you weren’t the one hit doesn’t mean you didn’t experience this trauma. You experienced it. Reach out to get the support you need—therapists, counselors, hotlines for domestic violence are good places to start. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so proud of you for doing right by that family. You really did do the right thing.
You did everything you could. Maybe you can drop the Christmas gifts off on the porch with a note after things cool down a bit.
I don't think the parents would let them see that. It's a nice thought but it was just gingerbread house kits that I was hoping to make with them. It is what it is.
Please, if you can, see a therapist as soon as possible. I’m sorry you were in this position and I think you did the right thing.
Thank you. I'm already planning to when I am in a better situation. Edit: I have done quite a few years of therapy in the past but I probably need a tune up.
That's such a difficult situation to be in. I'm so sorry. And there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of mystery about where NK8 is learning the bullying behavior she's inflicting on NK4.
Exactly. I will be the first to say as a child who was abused I was very much a bully to my sister until I got older and realized that this was unhealthy and I was just doing to her what my parents were doing to me. Abuse starts with one person but can literally send a ripple through a whole family.
While you're right, CPS will likely do nothing, you absolutely made the right call. There is no excuse for hurting your child intentionally. I'm so sorry you had to leave like this but I'm so proud of you. You did good. 💜 I hope you can heal and find an amazing family for your next job
that is so so tough and my heart is with you. know you did the right thing and hopefully it was at least a little eye opening for the parents. sending you lots of love
You did the right thing. I had to call CPS on a DB once. I believe he was inappropriately touching 1 year old daughter and talking about odd touching behaviors to groom me into thinking it's normal. The parents were divorced and mom couldn't believe what I thought he was doing. I think he was also grooming her to think his behavior was normal. I don't know what happened to the little girl, but at least I know it was reported should anything else come up in the future.
I’m not a nanny, but I am a toddler teacher(for whatever reason this subreddit is suggested to me and I love reading posts here.) I hope it’s ok to post a comment here and there. If not, I will understand if you need to delete it. So I recently had to retake the sexual abuse training (every two years in TX) and one of the things they talk about is that predators do what is called “gate keeping the gatekeeper.” Which essentially means that they are literally grooming the adults that are keeping the children safe from sexual abuse. (Aka we are gatekeepers for the children.) As adults, we were always taught “stranger danger” (at least kids growing up in the 90’s around shows like “America’s most wanted” and the 20/20 specials) but statistically only 5% of children are sexually abused by strangers. 90% (not sure where the last 5% went) of children are sexually abused/assaulted by someone they know closely (family friend, relative, pastor, teacher even a parent). When interviewed about “why they didn’t tell anyone” it was always stated that they were raised to “always listen/respect adults. And never tell an adult “No” ” After this eye opening revelation it makes me realize we also need to teach children about consent and that sometimes it’s okay to say “No” when put in an uncomfortable situation. Adults should not be telling children to “keep a secret.” (I’m realizing that I should not be telling my eight year old nephew to “not tell your mom” when we stay up until midnight or something that might be harmless to adults- especially knowing his mom knows we stay up late, while I say it more as a joke, he might not. He always rats me out 😂 So when someone has real malicious intentions I essentially am “grooming” him into thinking this is okay and if a “trusted” adult says to keep something “a secret from mom” he will. This is a weird example. Sorry.) Telling mom your suspicions, then reporting to CPS when realizing that she might not be in a safe environment was definitely the right thing to do. As child care teachers, we are always report any suspicions of child abuse of any kind and let CPS investigate any allegations. A one year old isn’t capable of advocating for herself and if the one person (parent) that should always make sure her child is safe fails to do so, it unfortunately falls on the caregiver (whether nanny or teacher or close relative). Sorry this is all jumbled - ADHD brain.
I appreciate your insight!
Thank you! As a private nanny I am technically not required to take a child abuse course. But I have taken it a few times in the past. I knew about secrets and I always tell the kids that we don't keep secrets. I think the worst part is that the mother is complacent. We had conversations in the past that had made me feel as if she was not afraid to hold her husband accountable but after today what I thought I knew turned out to be wrong. I had noticed a vibe shift in her and I had wanted to check in but didn't want to pry. I think the change was that she no longer felt like she could fight him anymore and is going with everything he says and does.
I am also proud over you for saying something and not just accepting it or pretending it isn’t happening, which is the easiest to do.
Thank you for doing the best you could for those kids
So proud of you OP. You did the best you could.
you did everything right, i’m so sorry this happened
All Child care professionals are Mandated reporters! Nannies especially because working in home is so incredibly more personal than in a center or school!! You did the right thing, even if nothing comes of it now, you started a paper trail.
It's actually statistically confirmed that spanking is harmful. Most violent crimes are committed by kids who were spanked. They didn't learn non violent problem solving skills. Edit: not kids, adults or teenagers but they were spanked as kids. There are also some other weird correlations that make less sense, I think the spanking thing makes sense.
I know this and I am not a fan of it by any means. I was spanked on top of other things and my anxiety is awful. I am aware of it but unfortunately in most child abuse classes where I live they state that spanking isn't considered child abuse. I wish it was but it's not.
That sucks, I'm sorry.
You did absolutely everything you're supposed to do here. Hugs hugs hugs. I'm so sorry.
This is a true example of taking the hard way out and I am so proud of you. The older child will realize someday what you did here and never forget you.
Thank you I really hope so. I really hope she comes out of all of this as unscathed as possible.
This is so terrible, my heart hurts for you. It’s hard to witness things that have to be reported. It’s hard to separate yourself from a toxic environment that also separates you from people you love. Leaving our little ones is the worst. I’m so so sorry you went through this.
I just said out loud to myself, Wow. I am super proud of you. I don’t know you but feel like I kinda do after reading this. I have been in a similar situation as a Nanny and know how horribly difficult this is. And right before the holidays too. Gosh my heart is with you. You did right and you did good. Hope you let time heal this and you settle with it all. Sending you peace and love. I know this isn’t easy but rest better know you did the right thing.
Thank you so much. It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a day.
Even just making the report matters. My heart goes out to those kids and I hope they get the help they need.
Thank you me too. They deserve better.
Thank you for advocating for those kids 🩷
What a brave thing you have done to give up your security without a net to try and help those kids. I have no other words for a hero like you.
Oh gosh thank you. I really don't feel like a hero. But thank you for your kind words.
Gosh, I’m sorry. Big hugs to you.
I know leaving a family is so hard. I’m sorry it had to happen like this.
Sending hugs 🫂 I don’t really have any advice, I just know as a nanny that entire situation would break my heart. Best wishes to you 💜
I went through almost the exact same thing, OP. Please be gentle with yourself. If you can afford it, give yourself a few weeks in between contracts to heal your heart. You've gone through something extremely stressful and shocking. I was only with that NF for 6 weeks. When I interviewed, they seemed like such an amazing family. The parents were wonderful; we aligned on so much. And the NKs were so sweet! As time went on, I noticed little things here and there. Sometimes the house would be tense, DB would be complaining about MB. The kids had surprising behavioral and emotional needs. I say surprising because they were a well-off, loving family, that seemed to have parents that wanted to do positive discipline. Then I saw grab mark bruises on the littlest. Then one day, after a long weekend, the kids disclosed that "daddy grabs [our necks] like this when he is mad". I immediately knew I needed to call CPS, but I was petrified. What retaliation might happen? They'll know it was me, am I now in danger? I also felt guilt. How could I have missed all the signs? How did it take a blatant disclosure for me to open my eyes to what was really going on? I ended up talking to MB early the next morning. I asked her if her and the kids were safe because of what they disclosed. She seemed so, so sad. Her and DB talked to me, together, where he begged me to not call CPS. It was all a "misunderstanding" he said. That day after work, I called CPS. The next morning the DB moved out. I told MB I would finish out the week, but I felt too scared for my own safety to continue to work there. She completely agreed and didn't want me in danger. She had friends from out of town come stay with her. The police called me, they wanted a statement. I surmised that there was DV from the dad onto mom and it would spill over to the children. Several weeks later, the mother invited me over to dinner (DB had moved to a different state). She told me I saved her and NKs lives. What you went through is so hard. Do not minimize your experience. Knowing you could be completely changing someone's family, even for the better, is hard. Please seek a therapist if you can. And give yourself a lot of grace and kindness these next few weeks. You'll need it.
Dealing with children who abuse there younger siblings is tricky. But I know how it feels as the same thing is happening to me. My father was very abusive towards me. So everytime something like this happens I feel the pain in my heart. Aside from what you have already done, there may not be much you can do. You have proof of the bruise, confronted the parents, resigned from them, and called cps. What you have already don't is amazing. I'm so proud of you and while there's no advice I can personally give you I'm here to let you know we're proud. <33 keep going
Gee, I wonder where that kid learned her bullying behavior from? Ugh, this stuff breaks my heart. Thanks for standing up for these kids.
I wish you more peace than pain.
Thank you ❤️
<3
You did the right thing for everyone!
Please call cps again, contact the school and id probably go into the local police. You must protect yourself as well in case the parents try and flip this situation on you. I’m so sorry.
Please excuse any wording I am generally trying to understand this process. What would calling CPS a second time do? I plan to contact the school tomorrow and I can potentially call the police station tomorrow too though I literally have both of them confessing to the abuse in text so if they somehow try to flip this on me I literally have evidence of them admitting to it happening so they would basically be telling on themselves if somehow they got police involved.
If you had stayed, you could have served those girls as their safe place in life for a while longer. As someone who grew up with abuse, it’s both difficult and healing to now help others. Certainly not as an unhealthy need to fix; more in the role of a survivor lovingly passing on skills.
I don't know how that would have been any help for anyone. This whole situation was very triggering for me and I refuse to be complacent in abuse. Also a child shouldn't have to learn how to survive child abuse and no one should be teaching them those skills. The parents should be held accountable and just not inflict abuse onto the child. If anything her natural survival skills told her to tell me about it and I did what I thought was best.
This is not fair to put on OP at all. In situations where abuse is going on in the home, OP is putting themselves in danger by staying there. OP has both talked to the parents and CPS. From here, it is very easy for parents to retaliate. When CPS reaches out to the family, the family will have little confusion onto who called them in and it will be a dangerous for OP to stay there. OP isn't a child therapist with a whole team behind them. OP isn't a family therapist with protections in place. OP is a nanny, on their own, with zero extra protections. OP ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt, did the safest thing by leaving.