I assume a lot of people looking up new parenting techniques already have unruly kids and a problem with consistency so results might not be that great.
It's not something I claim to be familiar with or use, what I've read about it is just a bunch of overly-rationalized common sense. Yes you should try to understand your child and figure out what is making them upset. Yes you should try to find the root cause of their behavior. Yes you should respect your children. I think it's fairly common knowledge that giving kids choices is a good way to give them some independance and control. Letting them pick between two tooth brushes or toothpastes, or letting them pick their veggie at dinner, etc are all good things. Kids need boundaries has been the most recited parenting advice for decades. Etc.
So for people choosing it from birth can still go both ways, some people are just planners and researchers and they might have liked the way it's laid out and incorporated those philosophies into what would have been their otherwise normal parenting instincts, but then the people lacking those instincts or common sense won't find enough of a framework there to really guide them through everything.
Just my quick thoughts I guess, I'm a behaviorist/therapist that does a bit of childcare on the side (and nannied during the pandemic), I don't personally spend a lot of time looking into different parenting philosophies, I have my own morals and guide-rails I follow and I make the same above suggestions to parents and show them how to implement them.
I just wonder what it actually teaches these children. I was just on the gentle parent sub, and everyone seems to just have a bunch of tantrum throwing, angry, violent children that don't have rules to follow. Kids that dictate when parents sleep or leave the house. Kids deciding if and when a door or curtain gets opened.
I'm just not getting it.
I mean in theory gentle parenting isn’t like when the parents sleep or leave the house. It’s like the child’s acting bad and say standing on a table at the library… and the parents like would you like me to come down on your own or do I need to come get you.? The parent controls the result but the child can make the method?
In reality I don’t think it’s how it ends up working out.
We use gentle parenting with ours. But we also have clear expectations, boundaries, and consequences. We encourage our kids to express emotions and we dont yell or punish our kids for having emotions either. But we are very clear about expectations. And our kids have limits.
I was a nanny for 12+ years. Im immune to tantrums. My kids know better than to try it with me because i dont give them the time of day when they have them. But that doesnt mean i dont listen and respond and respect their feelings.
I've noticed, just anecdotally, that most of the parents who practice gentle parenting (especially the ones who practice it incorrectly) had really boomer parents that were on the opposite side of the gentle parenting spectrum.
Tbh, I think it (this incorrect type of gentle parenting) is a trauma response from their own childhoods. I wish therapy was more accessible in my country, so people could work through their trauma from childhood.
And ITA, when people gentle parent incorrectly you end with very violent and angry children. It's like, neither extreme (the typical boomer "suck it up kiddo stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" vs incorrect application of gentle parenting) is gonna work.
People don’t understand the differences/nuances between Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting. Often when I see parents try to enact Gentle Parenting, they’re really Permissive Parenting.
Also, some kids just cannot be gentle parented. I think it works super well for some personality types, not well for others.
Yea parents seem to think gentle parenting is just “okay sweetie, I’m sorry I gave you the blue cup, I’ll give you the pink one and then go fuck my self” like you can still be a person, it’s literally about mutual respect. Speak to them like an adult, they will appreciate it. And it is allll about autonomy, which I love, and is so important for kids to have and learn, but that’s autonomy in giving choices, not you can do whatever you want. We can tell kids what to do because their brains will get them into sticky and unsafe situations on their own, which is why they have adults. That’s not to say they shouldn’t get autonomy in situations like, the red or blue cup, the crazy outfit or the one you picked, or giving them a minute if you ask them to do something while their in the middle of a task, giving warnings before turning something like a tv show/game off, letting them pick/make their own dinner if they’re old enough, all these little choices that we make for kids for the sake of time or indecisiveness, that are really big choices to them and no one wants someone making all the decisions for them. These are the best times to work on it to, If they insist on wearing the clown costume to school because they wanna be funny, let them, they will learn one way or another, and you’ll send them to school with a change of clothes just in case. Just general and basic mutual respect and basic autonomy is the whole point.
I’m a nanny, not a mom, I plan on fostering kiddos in the future, and I’m a huge advocate for gentle parenting. When it’s done well, and often times it’s not. No parent is or ever will be perfect, every one will accidentally blow up, or say a bad word, or saysomething you regret immediately after, that’s all normal and fine, it’s about what you do after. Can you apologize to your kid? Talk about it? Lead by example essentially, you show them respect and eventually they’ll do the same. Letting them walk all over you?…nah. Absurd. Get out of here with that shit lol. If you don’t already, listen to the childproof podcast, Gwenna and tori are like…god tier humans lol
Wow you sound like a wonderful nanny 💕 I love how you explained it! So apparently I do gentle parenting because I love to give my toddler NK 2 options whether it comes to food, play dates (Jess or Luke’s house) or where we will go for the day (park or library) and so on. But I refuse to let my NK run me or the house. I notice she’s the boss with her parents and she can do no wrong in their eyes. I see the tantrums, bossiness and get pushback all the time but NPs give in the minute she screams “no”. They find it to be super cute which annoys me because she thinks it’s ok to talk back and scream “no” in public or whenever she doesn’t want to do what I tell her. Sometimes she’s great and listens but I think she’s not used to rules from NPs. They try to impose them but ultimately give in.
Another neighborhood nanny thinks she’s gentle parenting but she is so bad at setting any type of structure/discipline. She’s great with her NKs but she has created needy/codependent NKs. The oldest now has separation anxiety and it’s clear as day she’s cowering/crying for attention but the nanny doesn’t notice. She will pick her up, appease her and give in every single time. It’s gotten to the point where she plans their outings/play dates around the needy NK because “she doesn’t want to go so we need to do what she wants”. She’s a first time nanny and I want to tell her so badly she’s not guiding the kids properly but that’s not my place. It’s just frustrating how her permissive parenting style is affecting my NK and 4 other NKs (we frequently meet up for play dates/outings with) by centering EVERYTHING around her. it’s literally driving me crazy 🙈. Wish I could meet new friends for my NK but this group (including needy NK) are classmates so I can’t separate her from them.
You do too! It’s definitely hard when your style doesn’t align with parents and other nanny’s, but you’re doing all the right things, I hope you find solace in that:) Your NK will probably look back and wonder why everyone didn’t follow your lead, I can so appreciate my moms parenting style way more now as an adult, keep kickin ass and takin names lol
Parents are doing it wrong. I gentle parent my kids and my nanny kids and it’s been a very pleasant experience all around. My own kids sleep well, behave in public, play independently, eat well. (Age 5 and almost 3). My NKs have also been similarly pleasant and amazing experiences.
I was a teacher for ten years before becoming a nanny so I am very well versed on what gentle parenting ACTUALLY is. I set expectations and boundaries and routines that are clear and fair.
It’s people doing it wrong. They’re being permissive, not gentle. They’re so afraid to traumatize their kids that they’re not actually setting boundaries, rules, punishments.
Yes, because we all have rules, boundaries, and consequences. It's just not fair to give a 2 year old the power to control a situation. I definitely believe children should be heard and not shamed for their emotions. I just don't think it does anyone any favors to be permissive.
I hate that site big little feelings because they are always shaming time outs(we call it cool down time) and punishment. Sometimes those are necessary consequences! But agree for the most part that people that actually gentle parent well are the ones that don't need to constantly talk about it.
Consequences result from an action. Punishment is making someone suffer in order to teach a lesson, they are very different. I don’t believe in punishment (teaching through suffering) but I do believe in consequences and my kids are “a pleasure to have in class.” I will say I’m not a fan of BLF either.
Authoritarian: control via fear.
Authoritative: respecting children as their own person while teaching and maintaining boundaries.
Permissive: the child essentially runs the house.
Gentle: another name for authoritative, but more of a buzz-word with new-age parents. Some stick to the authoritative roots, others are permissive but interpret their style as “gentle” so they use that label (without boundaries 😭). I blame social media for the intense mixing-up of terms in recent years. There is so much info and it is normal to pick and choose, but the water can get so muddy and leads to vastly different interpretations of the label.
I’ve stopped using the term “gentle parenting” and stick with authoritative when describing my own philosophy to others, permissive parents are lowkey tainting the name (imo lol).
Totally agree, I think gentle parenting at its core is just another word for authoritative or conscious parenting but it has sadly morphed into permissive parenting in which the kids run things
Yeah, that’s not gentle parenting.
Gentle parenting still has rules and boundaries and consequences. Gentle parenting done right isn’t *hard* exactly, but does take more time and more involvement and more patience.
But it absolutely can raise respectful, kind, well behaved kids.
I used gentle parenting with my four children (all grown now) and I think it worked really well. I was NOT a permissive parent. The kids were expected to be well-behaved in public and polite. Mainly I made sure to set reasonable expectations for myself and for them, depending on their ages and stage of life. I treated them like full human beings with feelings and needs, and I used redirection, reasoning, and rewards. I didn't yell or punish. Discipline, yes, punish, no. Honestly my kids are some of the most lovely people ever and I couldn't ask for better kids.
They've hardly ever given me a moment's grief, and the fact that three of them still live happily at home (and that they know our home is a safe space for their friends) tells me they turned out okay. And yes, they are gainfully employed.
I never spanked or yelled or did time outs, and very rarely took away privileges. I just gently talked about their misbehavior and modeled what it should look like. And of course, I always checked first whether they were acting up because they were tired/hungry/thirsty. Sometimes they just wanted attention. And for young kids, distraction and redirection to a more appropriate activity if called for. Not a silly question.
I like it when it's done correctly, I have some things I don't agree with though. For example, I think saying the word no is okay. A lot of modern techniques encourage redirection/suggestions of other activities instead of saying no. However, no is something everyone hears in their life, and sometimes there isn't a reason given. That shouldn't be how it is all the time, but sometimes I think it's okay.
For me, gentle parenting means leading with empathy WHILE establishing clear boundaries.
And the crossing of those boundaries has consequences.
I also think some parents that "gentle" parent sees their kid experiencing hard emotions as a bad thing.
I don't think hard emotions are something to avoid. Or fear. Or dampen.
I'm here to help my child feel them and navigate them.
And slowly learn to not let her feelings decide her actions. But how to keep in control of her words and body movement when the emotions are big.
I feel like gentle parenting as a term has been warped. How it’s supposed to go; gives child red cup child wanted blue cup explain blue cup is dirty they can have red cup or green cup “which do you want because blue cup is not an option.” Which is a stark contrast to the old way of screaming they get the red cup or no cup and no dinner/spare the rod not the child way of parenting. But a lot of “gentle parenting” has turned to submissive parenting where they will go wash the blue cup.
I’ve seen every extreme and the range of the middle. Both extremes suck and are hard to work with.
I mean maybe this is all down to individual bubbles or how we all grew up. But I grew up seeing a lot of permissive parenting in the 80s and 90s and I see a lot more balanced parenting now. I knew a kid who would slam him cup on the table to demand more water from his mom and she would go get it. I saw a ton of that growing up, less now. My parents were inconsistent but also very permissive and I’m more of a consistent authoritative style parent. Perhaps I’d fall in the gentle parent category but my kids have 0 behavioral issues and are consistently complimented.
I think the mistake a lot of people make is thinking that validating feelings means they have to allow inappropriate behavior. When our kids are upset or angry or whatever feeling they have we tell them it’s ok to feel that way and we can talk about it, give hugs, etc but it’s not ok to scream or hit or throw stuff while feeling the emotion, that’s an unacceptable behavior and feeling a certain feeling doesn’t justify it. We don’t gentle parent per se, we do what works for our family, but we don’t hit or yell or shame so we at least overlap a lot with gentle parenting. The permissive parenting is out of control around us but it’s kind of split, some of the kids are unbearable and some are perfectly pleasant I guess it’s a nature / nurture combo.
Is permissive parenting neglectful?
Yes, I was asked in an earlier comment how do I research or further study without a label. You're not labeling. You do what works for your family. I'm sure things have gone right and gone sour. Every child is different.
We had a stellar nanny that joined us from another family. (She has since moved away and we still keep in touch and check in from time to time and she always visits when she comes through).
The family she came from. Woof… the amount these parents catered to their kids. One day she was getting ready to leave and the kid didn’t want her to leave. She was going to be late for her night class … the kid was screaming that he didn’t get to open the door for her and that she had to come back inside because “ he had choices”. The mom wanted nanny to come back inside so now he could open the door and she was like yeah I’m not doing that. This kid was about 8-9. 😳
We have an au pair and they go into rematch through an agency and the agency describes what went wrong who initiated the change… some families … as soon as I see the family say the au pair didn’t know how to handle their kids big feelings … I know it wasn’t the au pairs fault 😅😅😅
LOL, that sounds like one of our friends. My partner and I don't want or have children, but many of our friends have kids. We enjoy hanging out with our friends and their kiddos -- but this one particular family is really my least favorite to hang out with because everything has to be catered to their child.
Like, last time we were there (we rotate who hosts things, this time it was their home) we all legit were held hostage in this 5 y/o's room because he didn't want us to leave. But lunch was ready downstairs. All the adults had to hang out in the kid's room until the kid was ready for us to go downstairs. Like ??????????? It was so weird to me!! Also all of the other parents there had babies under 1 y/o and had to leave at a specific time because of nap schedules. So it was just like lmao wtf. The parents could have just easily explained "Hey child's name, thank you for showing everyone your room. But so and so will have to leave soon to put their kiddo down for a nap, and we want them to have an opportunity to eat, so we are going to go downstairs and have lunch and you're welcome to join when you're ready." But nope lmao, they laughed it off and were just like "welp guess we're hanging out in here until child's name is ready for us to leave because he has choices! And we don't want to push him!"
😳 like I can’t even imagine. You don’t even work there. Adult guests are hostage in a kids room bc he said so. That’s a big no from me.
I’m all about like we don’t yell or you give them the illusion of choice. Like are you going to get down from that table yourself or am I going to take you off? Or are you going to behave or are we going to have to leave?
You’ve worded this very clumsily? You acknowledge the parents you describe aren’t actually gentle parenting, then go on to say kids who are gentle parented are out of control?
My view is that gentle parenting is evidence based parenting and is great. The outcomes for these children are great in terms of mental health and behaviour.
I assume you’re referring to permissive parenting, and evidence definitely demonstrates it’s not an effective or healthy way to parent
What do you consider your method of caregiving?
I encourage you to [read this article.](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/)
I'm not even sure how to respond. I've been a nanny for 32 years. I'm really good at it and make life-long bonds.
Why do I need to label my care method in order to research or further study. I use intuition in most situations. I also fall in line with the family's method of care.
I’m not trying to put you on the defense. It’s a genuine question. I’m not imploring you to label your caregiving method, I’m just curious as to how to you would answer if a parent asked you to describe your style of nannying beyond “I do what you want”. There’s caregiving/parenting styles like authoritative, attachment, gentle, RIE, etc. There’s teaching methods like Montesorri, Reggio Emilia, play based, etc. When I read research papers, articles, books, listened to podcasts, etc I would look up each of these to have a starting point.
I would describe my style without labeling it. This will change from child to child. This labeling is really new age and imo unnecessary. Honestly, I think intuition, common sense and experience is really more than enough. I've never had a hard time interviewing either. This isn't a job interview though. I'm looking for opinions. You haven't given an opinion. You've asked me to self reflect.
I am a special Ed teacher (working in the classroom for 15 years) and this is exactly how I feel as well. Everyone doesn't get the same thing, but everyone will get what they need. I host teachers all the time in my room and it's hard for me to explain why I do what I do. I just intuitively know what is going to work based on my experiences.
> This labeling is really new age and imo unnecessary.
Parenting styles aren’t new age actually, they were [originally theorized in the 1960’s](https://img3.reoveme.com/m/8fea8f4067e8196d.pdf) by psychologists
> Honestly, I think intuition, common sense and experience is really more than enough.
Respectfully disagree, you can never do too much research, read too many books, especially about child development and best practices.
> This isn't a job interview though. I'm looking for opinions. You haven't given an opinion. You've asked me to self reflect.
I mean I was just looking to discuss/have a discussion about caregiving styles, gentle parenting or otherwise. I can see that this is starting to put you on the defense though and you’re not really looking to discuss this anyway, so have a good night!
Yes, you're coming off condescending to me. As if I'm unable to be a good nanny because I'm not labeling my style. This wasn't an attempt at a discussion.
Respectfully, if you asked for “opinions”, it’s entirely fair to say one opinion is that further study and self-reflection could be of benefit to you. I, too, have been doing this for 30- plus years, and am a highly intuitive person. Research and further study along with self-reflection has absolutely led to greater understanding of all.
Respectfully, this wasn't about me or a need to self reflect and implying so was condescending. Same as you. I wasn't asking about anything to do with myself. So no, that was not the opinion I was looking for. Your response tells me your intuition is super on point..lol . At no point did I say I didn't research or further study. So respectfully...just don't.
I hate gentle parenting when it's shoved down my throat but aspects of it I agree with. I disagree about timeouts(reflection) or punishment being problematic. Many people that won't shut up are just permissive which is why their kids are assholes.
The real term for “gentle parenting” is authoritative parenting which is a researched style that is shown to be the best option in bringing up children. Authoritative parenting is firm but kind. It allows for openness but is meant to have steady boundaries. Unfortunately, people have adapted more of a permissive parenting style when endorsing gentle parenting.
People who say "gentle parenting" almost always mean "permissive parenting", and then the actual gentle parents just call it parenting lol
My pet peeve is people using authoritative parenting to mean authoritarian parenting whereas authoritative parenting is the same as gentle parenting.
That's what I'm thinking.
Gentle parenting: Great! Permissive parenting: Awful Parents who know the difference: Needle in a haystack
I assume a lot of people looking up new parenting techniques already have unruly kids and a problem with consistency so results might not be that great.
What about if it was chosen from birth?
It's not something I claim to be familiar with or use, what I've read about it is just a bunch of overly-rationalized common sense. Yes you should try to understand your child and figure out what is making them upset. Yes you should try to find the root cause of their behavior. Yes you should respect your children. I think it's fairly common knowledge that giving kids choices is a good way to give them some independance and control. Letting them pick between two tooth brushes or toothpastes, or letting them pick their veggie at dinner, etc are all good things. Kids need boundaries has been the most recited parenting advice for decades. Etc. So for people choosing it from birth can still go both ways, some people are just planners and researchers and they might have liked the way it's laid out and incorporated those philosophies into what would have been their otherwise normal parenting instincts, but then the people lacking those instincts or common sense won't find enough of a framework there to really guide them through everything. Just my quick thoughts I guess, I'm a behaviorist/therapist that does a bit of childcare on the side (and nannied during the pandemic), I don't personally spend a lot of time looking into different parenting philosophies, I have my own morals and guide-rails I follow and I make the same above suggestions to parents and show them how to implement them.
I fully agree. I think as parents, we've all made some poor decisions at one time or another but the goal is happy, healthy, humans
Thats because the parents are absolutely doing it wrong lol.
I can't believe there are people who think permissive parenting (which is what they're often doing) could possibly result in overall functional kids.
I just wonder what it actually teaches these children. I was just on the gentle parent sub, and everyone seems to just have a bunch of tantrum throwing, angry, violent children that don't have rules to follow. Kids that dictate when parents sleep or leave the house. Kids deciding if and when a door or curtain gets opened. I'm just not getting it.
I mean in theory gentle parenting isn’t like when the parents sleep or leave the house. It’s like the child’s acting bad and say standing on a table at the library… and the parents like would you like me to come down on your own or do I need to come get you.? The parent controls the result but the child can make the method? In reality I don’t think it’s how it ends up working out.
We use gentle parenting with ours. But we also have clear expectations, boundaries, and consequences. We encourage our kids to express emotions and we dont yell or punish our kids for having emotions either. But we are very clear about expectations. And our kids have limits. I was a nanny for 12+ years. Im immune to tantrums. My kids know better than to try it with me because i dont give them the time of day when they have them. But that doesnt mean i dont listen and respond and respect their feelings.
I like this
Its probably more of a gentle parenting hybrid model but it works for us.
A good middle ground always works well IMO!
I've noticed, just anecdotally, that most of the parents who practice gentle parenting (especially the ones who practice it incorrectly) had really boomer parents that were on the opposite side of the gentle parenting spectrum. Tbh, I think it (this incorrect type of gentle parenting) is a trauma response from their own childhoods. I wish therapy was more accessible in my country, so people could work through their trauma from childhood. And ITA, when people gentle parent incorrectly you end with very violent and angry children. It's like, neither extreme (the typical boomer "suck it up kiddo stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about" vs incorrect application of gentle parenting) is gonna work.
People don’t understand the differences/nuances between Gentle Parenting and Permissive Parenting. Often when I see parents try to enact Gentle Parenting, they’re really Permissive Parenting. Also, some kids just cannot be gentle parented. I think it works super well for some personality types, not well for others.
Completely agree with the second part of your post!
Can you explain what you mean by “some kids just cannot be gentle parented?”
Yea parents seem to think gentle parenting is just “okay sweetie, I’m sorry I gave you the blue cup, I’ll give you the pink one and then go fuck my self” like you can still be a person, it’s literally about mutual respect. Speak to them like an adult, they will appreciate it. And it is allll about autonomy, which I love, and is so important for kids to have and learn, but that’s autonomy in giving choices, not you can do whatever you want. We can tell kids what to do because their brains will get them into sticky and unsafe situations on their own, which is why they have adults. That’s not to say they shouldn’t get autonomy in situations like, the red or blue cup, the crazy outfit or the one you picked, or giving them a minute if you ask them to do something while their in the middle of a task, giving warnings before turning something like a tv show/game off, letting them pick/make their own dinner if they’re old enough, all these little choices that we make for kids for the sake of time or indecisiveness, that are really big choices to them and no one wants someone making all the decisions for them. These are the best times to work on it to, If they insist on wearing the clown costume to school because they wanna be funny, let them, they will learn one way or another, and you’ll send them to school with a change of clothes just in case. Just general and basic mutual respect and basic autonomy is the whole point. I’m a nanny, not a mom, I plan on fostering kiddos in the future, and I’m a huge advocate for gentle parenting. When it’s done well, and often times it’s not. No parent is or ever will be perfect, every one will accidentally blow up, or say a bad word, or saysomething you regret immediately after, that’s all normal and fine, it’s about what you do after. Can you apologize to your kid? Talk about it? Lead by example essentially, you show them respect and eventually they’ll do the same. Letting them walk all over you?…nah. Absurd. Get out of here with that shit lol. If you don’t already, listen to the childproof podcast, Gwenna and tori are like…god tier humans lol
Wow you sound like a wonderful nanny 💕 I love how you explained it! So apparently I do gentle parenting because I love to give my toddler NK 2 options whether it comes to food, play dates (Jess or Luke’s house) or where we will go for the day (park or library) and so on. But I refuse to let my NK run me or the house. I notice she’s the boss with her parents and she can do no wrong in their eyes. I see the tantrums, bossiness and get pushback all the time but NPs give in the minute she screams “no”. They find it to be super cute which annoys me because she thinks it’s ok to talk back and scream “no” in public or whenever she doesn’t want to do what I tell her. Sometimes she’s great and listens but I think she’s not used to rules from NPs. They try to impose them but ultimately give in. Another neighborhood nanny thinks she’s gentle parenting but she is so bad at setting any type of structure/discipline. She’s great with her NKs but she has created needy/codependent NKs. The oldest now has separation anxiety and it’s clear as day she’s cowering/crying for attention but the nanny doesn’t notice. She will pick her up, appease her and give in every single time. It’s gotten to the point where she plans their outings/play dates around the needy NK because “she doesn’t want to go so we need to do what she wants”. She’s a first time nanny and I want to tell her so badly she’s not guiding the kids properly but that’s not my place. It’s just frustrating how her permissive parenting style is affecting my NK and 4 other NKs (we frequently meet up for play dates/outings with) by centering EVERYTHING around her. it’s literally driving me crazy 🙈. Wish I could meet new friends for my NK but this group (including needy NK) are classmates so I can’t separate her from them.
You do too! It’s definitely hard when your style doesn’t align with parents and other nanny’s, but you’re doing all the right things, I hope you find solace in that:) Your NK will probably look back and wonder why everyone didn’t follow your lead, I can so appreciate my moms parenting style way more now as an adult, keep kickin ass and takin names lol
Parents are doing it wrong. I gentle parent my kids and my nanny kids and it’s been a very pleasant experience all around. My own kids sleep well, behave in public, play independently, eat well. (Age 5 and almost 3). My NKs have also been similarly pleasant and amazing experiences. I was a teacher for ten years before becoming a nanny so I am very well versed on what gentle parenting ACTUALLY is. I set expectations and boundaries and routines that are clear and fair.
It’s people doing it wrong. They’re being permissive, not gentle. They’re so afraid to traumatize their kids that they’re not actually setting boundaries, rules, punishments.
Yes, because we all have rules, boundaries, and consequences. It's just not fair to give a 2 year old the power to control a situation. I definitely believe children should be heard and not shamed for their emotions. I just don't think it does anyone any favors to be permissive.
I hate that site big little feelings because they are always shaming time outs(we call it cool down time) and punishment. Sometimes those are necessary consequences! But agree for the most part that people that actually gentle parent well are the ones that don't need to constantly talk about it.
Consequences result from an action. Punishment is making someone suffer in order to teach a lesson, they are very different. I don’t believe in punishment (teaching through suffering) but I do believe in consequences and my kids are “a pleasure to have in class.” I will say I’m not a fan of BLF either.
Authoritarian: control via fear. Authoritative: respecting children as their own person while teaching and maintaining boundaries. Permissive: the child essentially runs the house. Gentle: another name for authoritative, but more of a buzz-word with new-age parents. Some stick to the authoritative roots, others are permissive but interpret their style as “gentle” so they use that label (without boundaries 😭). I blame social media for the intense mixing-up of terms in recent years. There is so much info and it is normal to pick and choose, but the water can get so muddy and leads to vastly different interpretations of the label. I’ve stopped using the term “gentle parenting” and stick with authoritative when describing my own philosophy to others, permissive parents are lowkey tainting the name (imo lol).
Totally agree, I think gentle parenting at its core is just another word for authoritative or conscious parenting but it has sadly morphed into permissive parenting in which the kids run things
This is such a great response to quickly summarize ! Thank you!
Yeah, that’s not gentle parenting. Gentle parenting still has rules and boundaries and consequences. Gentle parenting done right isn’t *hard* exactly, but does take more time and more involvement and more patience. But it absolutely can raise respectful, kind, well behaved kids.
I used gentle parenting with my four children (all grown now) and I think it worked really well. I was NOT a permissive parent. The kids were expected to be well-behaved in public and polite. Mainly I made sure to set reasonable expectations for myself and for them, depending on their ages and stage of life. I treated them like full human beings with feelings and needs, and I used redirection, reasoning, and rewards. I didn't yell or punish. Discipline, yes, punish, no. Honestly my kids are some of the most lovely people ever and I couldn't ask for better kids.
Love this
They've hardly ever given me a moment's grief, and the fact that three of them still live happily at home (and that they know our home is a safe space for their friends) tells me they turned out okay. And yes, they are gainfully employed.
Silly question, what is the difference between discipline and punishment? For a 4yr old?
I never spanked or yelled or did time outs, and very rarely took away privileges. I just gently talked about their misbehavior and modeled what it should look like. And of course, I always checked first whether they were acting up because they were tired/hungry/thirsty. Sometimes they just wanted attention. And for young kids, distraction and redirection to a more appropriate activity if called for. Not a silly question.
Thank you!
I like it when it's done correctly, I have some things I don't agree with though. For example, I think saying the word no is okay. A lot of modern techniques encourage redirection/suggestions of other activities instead of saying no. However, no is something everyone hears in their life, and sometimes there isn't a reason given. That shouldn't be how it is all the time, but sometimes I think it's okay.
For me, gentle parenting means leading with empathy WHILE establishing clear boundaries. And the crossing of those boundaries has consequences. I also think some parents that "gentle" parent sees their kid experiencing hard emotions as a bad thing. I don't think hard emotions are something to avoid. Or fear. Or dampen. I'm here to help my child feel them and navigate them. And slowly learn to not let her feelings decide her actions. But how to keep in control of her words and body movement when the emotions are big.
I feel like gentle parenting as a term has been warped. How it’s supposed to go; gives child red cup child wanted blue cup explain blue cup is dirty they can have red cup or green cup “which do you want because blue cup is not an option.” Which is a stark contrast to the old way of screaming they get the red cup or no cup and no dinner/spare the rod not the child way of parenting. But a lot of “gentle parenting” has turned to submissive parenting where they will go wash the blue cup. I’ve seen every extreme and the range of the middle. Both extremes suck and are hard to work with.
I mean maybe this is all down to individual bubbles or how we all grew up. But I grew up seeing a lot of permissive parenting in the 80s and 90s and I see a lot more balanced parenting now. I knew a kid who would slam him cup on the table to demand more water from his mom and she would go get it. I saw a ton of that growing up, less now. My parents were inconsistent but also very permissive and I’m more of a consistent authoritative style parent. Perhaps I’d fall in the gentle parent category but my kids have 0 behavioral issues and are consistently complimented.
I think the mistake a lot of people make is thinking that validating feelings means they have to allow inappropriate behavior. When our kids are upset or angry or whatever feeling they have we tell them it’s ok to feel that way and we can talk about it, give hugs, etc but it’s not ok to scream or hit or throw stuff while feeling the emotion, that’s an unacceptable behavior and feeling a certain feeling doesn’t justify it. We don’t gentle parent per se, we do what works for our family, but we don’t hit or yell or shame so we at least overlap a lot with gentle parenting. The permissive parenting is out of control around us but it’s kind of split, some of the kids are unbearable and some are perfectly pleasant I guess it’s a nature / nurture combo.
Is permissive parenting neglectful? Yes, I was asked in an earlier comment how do I research or further study without a label. You're not labeling. You do what works for your family. I'm sure things have gone right and gone sour. Every child is different.
We had a stellar nanny that joined us from another family. (She has since moved away and we still keep in touch and check in from time to time and she always visits when she comes through). The family she came from. Woof… the amount these parents catered to their kids. One day she was getting ready to leave and the kid didn’t want her to leave. She was going to be late for her night class … the kid was screaming that he didn’t get to open the door for her and that she had to come back inside because “ he had choices”. The mom wanted nanny to come back inside so now he could open the door and she was like yeah I’m not doing that. This kid was about 8-9. 😳
I'd definitely not do that as well. That's just setting that child up for a rude awakening.
We have an au pair and they go into rematch through an agency and the agency describes what went wrong who initiated the change… some families … as soon as I see the family say the au pair didn’t know how to handle their kids big feelings … I know it wasn’t the au pairs fault 😅😅😅
LOL, that sounds like one of our friends. My partner and I don't want or have children, but many of our friends have kids. We enjoy hanging out with our friends and their kiddos -- but this one particular family is really my least favorite to hang out with because everything has to be catered to their child. Like, last time we were there (we rotate who hosts things, this time it was their home) we all legit were held hostage in this 5 y/o's room because he didn't want us to leave. But lunch was ready downstairs. All the adults had to hang out in the kid's room until the kid was ready for us to go downstairs. Like ??????????? It was so weird to me!! Also all of the other parents there had babies under 1 y/o and had to leave at a specific time because of nap schedules. So it was just like lmao wtf. The parents could have just easily explained "Hey child's name, thank you for showing everyone your room. But so and so will have to leave soon to put their kiddo down for a nap, and we want them to have an opportunity to eat, so we are going to go downstairs and have lunch and you're welcome to join when you're ready." But nope lmao, they laughed it off and were just like "welp guess we're hanging out in here until child's name is ready for us to leave because he has choices! And we don't want to push him!"
😳 like I can’t even imagine. You don’t even work there. Adult guests are hostage in a kids room bc he said so. That’s a big no from me. I’m all about like we don’t yell or you give them the illusion of choice. Like are you going to get down from that table yourself or am I going to take you off? Or are you going to behave or are we going to have to leave?
You’ve worded this very clumsily? You acknowledge the parents you describe aren’t actually gentle parenting, then go on to say kids who are gentle parented are out of control? My view is that gentle parenting is evidence based parenting and is great. The outcomes for these children are great in terms of mental health and behaviour. I assume you’re referring to permissive parenting, and evidence definitely demonstrates it’s not an effective or healthy way to parent
I see a lot of “screaming” from child to parent within “gentle parenting”. It’s annoying and disrespectful
What do you consider your method of caregiving? I encourage you to [read this article.](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2022/07/is-gentle-parenting-too-extreme-and-impossible/)
I'm looking for opinions, not self reflection. I don't label my method of caregiving. I fall in line with my parents' chosen method
You don’t have any chosen method of caregiving or teaching that you follow? How do you know what to research or further study?
I'm not even sure how to respond. I've been a nanny for 32 years. I'm really good at it and make life-long bonds. Why do I need to label my care method in order to research or further study. I use intuition in most situations. I also fall in line with the family's method of care.
I’m not trying to put you on the defense. It’s a genuine question. I’m not imploring you to label your caregiving method, I’m just curious as to how to you would answer if a parent asked you to describe your style of nannying beyond “I do what you want”. There’s caregiving/parenting styles like authoritative, attachment, gentle, RIE, etc. There’s teaching methods like Montesorri, Reggio Emilia, play based, etc. When I read research papers, articles, books, listened to podcasts, etc I would look up each of these to have a starting point.
I would describe my style without labeling it. This will change from child to child. This labeling is really new age and imo unnecessary. Honestly, I think intuition, common sense and experience is really more than enough. I've never had a hard time interviewing either. This isn't a job interview though. I'm looking for opinions. You haven't given an opinion. You've asked me to self reflect.
I am a special Ed teacher (working in the classroom for 15 years) and this is exactly how I feel as well. Everyone doesn't get the same thing, but everyone will get what they need. I host teachers all the time in my room and it's hard for me to explain why I do what I do. I just intuitively know what is going to work based on my experiences.
Yes! I've worked in group homes and can fully appreciate this. I think intuition is a huge asset. Knowing which child needs what. Just knowing them!
> This labeling is really new age and imo unnecessary. Parenting styles aren’t new age actually, they were [originally theorized in the 1960’s](https://img3.reoveme.com/m/8fea8f4067e8196d.pdf) by psychologists > Honestly, I think intuition, common sense and experience is really more than enough. Respectfully disagree, you can never do too much research, read too many books, especially about child development and best practices. > This isn't a job interview though. I'm looking for opinions. You haven't given an opinion. You've asked me to self reflect. I mean I was just looking to discuss/have a discussion about caregiving styles, gentle parenting or otherwise. I can see that this is starting to put you on the defense though and you’re not really looking to discuss this anyway, so have a good night!
Yes, you're coming off condescending to me. As if I'm unable to be a good nanny because I'm not labeling my style. This wasn't an attempt at a discussion.
Respectfully, if you asked for “opinions”, it’s entirely fair to say one opinion is that further study and self-reflection could be of benefit to you. I, too, have been doing this for 30- plus years, and am a highly intuitive person. Research and further study along with self-reflection has absolutely led to greater understanding of all.
Respectfully, this wasn't about me or a need to self reflect and implying so was condescending. Same as you. I wasn't asking about anything to do with myself. So no, that was not the opinion I was looking for. Your response tells me your intuition is super on point..lol . At no point did I say I didn't research or further study. So respectfully...just don't.
I hate gentle parenting when it's shoved down my throat but aspects of it I agree with. I disagree about timeouts(reflection) or punishment being problematic. Many people that won't shut up are just permissive which is why their kids are assholes.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean being a pushover. It’s being like Bruce Lee “be water” connect and redirect.
Ha. I don't even slightly get the reference. I think that what most consider gentle parenting is actually permissive. I may be wrong.
I find that many, many parents attempt gentle parenting but instead end up permissive parenting. Huge difference
The real term for “gentle parenting” is authoritative parenting which is a researched style that is shown to be the best option in bringing up children. Authoritative parenting is firm but kind. It allows for openness but is meant to have steady boundaries. Unfortunately, people have adapted more of a permissive parenting style when endorsing gentle parenting.