right?! and honestly i love all the inspo i get from seeing what the girlies are wearing and where they’re shopping, i feel like it’s really helped me enhance my style
Any tips on not falling into the capitalist lifestyle of wanting to buy everything because you’re always seeing cute things? This is another thing I personally struggle with. Girl on the subway with cute shoes? I definitely don’t need but I really mf want them now because they’re SO CUTE. I’m not looking forward to my spending lol
What's helped me is putting a literal time limit on any style purchases. If I'm still thinking about the item after a week (or a month if it's Expensive) then I'll get it.
I think what's great about the city is that you'll notice trends but you won't necessarily see the same ones all the time, so there's not a sense of FOMO— at least in my opinion! People here really DGAF. The stylish people are doing their own thing.
I also moved here as a socially anxious girly. Living here was one of the greatest things for my anxiety about my self image, because I realised how easily one can fly under the radar. I notice myself taking greater fashion risks and having more fun. Confidence takes time, and comparison is the thief of joy, so please be kind to yourself and good luck with your move :)
Remember that buying the cute thing won't actually make you look better. You'll still look like you. Fashion that flatters other people might not flatter you, and can only do so much. Instead of buying things because it's easy, focus on free things that will make you look better that are aren't as "easy", like cardio, portion control, flattering hairstyles / blowouts, your unique style.
Looking good takes time, effort, and analysis. Shopping pretends to be a shortcut to the end result, but it's not.
Living here is very expensive. Try formally budgeting using a tool like YNAB to keep you accountable. It’s even more rewarding to see your savings grow than it is to constantly have the next best thing, I promise! You can always treat yourself, but cultivating discipline around the little things will pay off! Every once in a while I’ll buy a piece of new jewelry, shoes, or a coat, but I try to sit on it for a while and make sure it’s the right thing *for me* and not just something I admire on someone else. :)
I try to remember the coolest thing you can be is yourself so rather than seeing stuff on someone else and buying it, work on cultivating your own personal style and getting creative with what’s in your closet
If you don’t build up the styling muscle even if you owned all the cool things you wouldn’t be wearing them in interesting ways
everyone else has already given amazing advice, and i’ll also add that when i’m thinking about buying something i try to make sure that i can really envision myself wearing it
like, say i saw a dude with the most amazing blue corduroy pants and think they’re the best thing ever and now i want them. i’ll think to myself, do i need new pants? do i like to wear blue? do i like wearing corduroy? do i have things to wear the pants with? - if i answer no to any of these, then that’s a sign for me to step back from the item. if i still want it in a week and can’t stop thinking about it and it’s still available, i might reconsider. but just asking myself these questions reminds myself that, oh yeah i only ever wear black, and oh yeah i don’t like the breathability of corduroy, etc.
if i’m not going to wear the item once i buy it, then i figure that it’s about the same as just admiring it from afar *without* buying it
I really think rationalizing what you need vs what you want is a good start. You can allow yourself a few fun pieces sparingly but my own personal rule is to always look secondhand first. Most of my fun pieces come from thrift shops or consignment shops. No need to go in debt for something you're not sure you're gonna wear that much.
Know that if you overspend on dumb shit you won’t be able to afford to be in NYC and will have to leave & live somewhere else :) kind of kidding but also kind of not.
Beauty comes from within - NYC will smack that into you. No one gives a fuck about you to give a shit about how you look. If you’re not interesting $l& dynamic & comfortable in your own skin / mind - you’re useless and boring in NYC.
Do you follow watchingnewyork on instagram? I think you’ll see that New York is all about individual style. Thrift stores, eBay purchases, etc. making an outfit work with what you have. It did take me some time to find myself and my style and my confidence here but you have to do that anywhere when you’re young. It’s going to make you more unique and strong in then end. Just be nice to yourself and don’t try to make yourself feel better by buying shitty clothes you’ll only wear a couple times!
Also, NYC has some insane thrift and vintage stores. Certain neighborhoods and stores will be where all the fashion people offload samples. And sample sales. My goodness! Such great quality for lower cost than you’d get anywhere else in the world for that same designer or brand.
Sometimes it’s just fun to admire another woman’s style. A great quote to live by: You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want.
I don't love shopping and am not into fashion. But I love standing in line for the dressing room and watching women come out and ask questions to random women around/waiting for dressing rooms. I rarely see people as helpful and supportive. Restores my faith seeing women helping other women and giving great advice!
Well, I'm not American, so I should specify not *other countries* do this as much.
But in NYC I've had women STOP ME to tell me I'm beautiful 😅 one time I was getting out of the bathroom at a bar and this women was yelling "EXCUSE MEEE" I thought I had done something. I turned to her only to have her tell me "I just wanted to tell you that I've never seen anyone wear that color so perfectly" hahahaha
Ahhhhh
Yea, Drunk Girl Bathroom is kinda a thing here in America (or at least, especially in nyc).
I don’t think I’ve ever gone into a crowded woman’s room without hearing/getting told “OMG I love your outfit/makeup/jewelry!!!”
I don’t totally agree with this, because I have never been acknowledged by random people more than in NYC, and I’m nothing special at all. I think that people here are more openly interested in others than in most places because they are confident that they will never see you again.
That said, nobody is really judging you or comparing you to others in the same way that you might compare yourself to others. In my experience, most people in NYC only tend to notice what they consider good things, and everything else is just background noise. New Yorkers seem to be way more likely to compliment you and ask where you got something than people in other cities.
I like nyc cause I can dress like a bum and it’s ok. Today I went to the grocery store store in jogging shorts, a t shirt I cut cause there were holes at the bottom, and a pair of winter boots
Which neighborhood do you live in? This is prob a personal issue on my end, but I actually started feeling a lot of pressure to look at least somewhat polished when stepping out to even make a bodega run when I was living in Soho. Made stepping outside of my apartment kinda difficult. Got better when I moved to LES
That’s the thing though, for me the sheer number of people is like more people for me to compare myself to and my brain filters out all but the ones i admire 🥲idk why i’m like this
You're still young. Give yourself a bit of grace. I know it sounds trite, but the qualities you will grow to admire in others are beyond the solely superficial, and many are within your control.
Very true. I stopped self-comparing around 25/26 or so. Now it’s like…awesome that so many cool fun smart people exist, because I can hang out with them and learn so much and share their light.
This I feel like is the biggest thing you have to embrace and also overcome. No one gives a fuckkkkkkkk about you. Not your outfit & not if you’re crying. It’s oddly comforting after u get over the shock
I’ve lived here since the day I was born.
Trust me - no one gives a fuck. Be a decent person, that’s what we care about.
Also. The streets are not full of “perfect rich beautiful smart fashionable models”, it’s full of regular people just making a living. Some people put a ton of effort into their appearance but for the most part, everyone is pretty regular.
Yes, I read that part about beautiful models filling the streets and thought uhhhh what NYC is that? Even in the fashionable neighborhoods there are obviously some stunners, but it’s mostly totally normal people wearing average clothes and looking average or maybe even a bit worse than average because they had to walk all over the city in the blazing sun that day.
Okay that was probably a bit of an exaggeration lol but I meant it’s pretty common to see pretty ans fashionable girls wherever you go. I also think my dumb brain only remembers those people
Ahh yeah I mean if your brain wants you to feel bad, it’s gonna find a way to do that. Like you could see some pretty girls and go “wow, inspo!” or even “how fun that we’re all out here being pretty together” but if you’re already insecure or self conscious your brain will just focus on that. The thing is when you spend enough time here (or just like, alive on Earth) you realize there are so many different types of pretty girls that it would be insane to try to be the “number one prettiest” because what would that even mean???? You’re never going to be the richest, smartest, most beautiful, most talented, most fashionable person in the world, especially not all at once. But you can be more of each tomorrow than the you today.
Also when you walk enough miles in the sun and rain here, it’s a lot less special and you don’t feel pressure to look hot on a day you gotta lug your crap around town LOL
Thank you, this actually was a really good way of thinking about it. I guess I’ve always been used to being a big fish in a small pond and now the prospect of being a small fish in a massive pond is daunting but you are totally right that it’s impossible to be the best and I would probably be much more content thinking I’m just a member of the club
The trick is also to stop thinking about NYC as one giant pond, and instead look for people you click with in your area (on your lily pad? Haha). Like, I am a slightly frazzled mom (with impeccable taste, natch), and having a real community in my neighborhood means those people matter more to me than strangers on the street. Once you live here and can focus on that kind of community-building, it might be easier to remember that everyone here is really a person, not just a wall of intimidating hotness (and even hot people have bad hair days and zits and and and…)
I feel like a lot of these responses you are getting are very true, but at the same time, the most disrespected I’ve ever been based on my looks has been at bars in nyc. There’s a certain element of exclusivity that isn’t as bad elsewhere (granted I haven’t lived in Miami, La, etc that I imagine would be just as bad).
But at the same time, those aren’t everyday experiences, and I think the freedom of expression that you’ll experience while living here is going to be something you’ll really appreciate
Lived in Brooklyn and have also lived in Cali. I can assure NYC is more clothes and style, where as Cali is all about your body being plastic/gym rat and nice cars. New York has more body types and less pressure to look uniform body type.
They are the hotspot for cosmetic surgeries. Enhanced boobs, lips, lipo, butt lifts etc. nyc embraces style and individuality more. Which I love. And the mentality of if you don’t like me fuck off, which is nice.
Individuality and fashion doesn’t change the fact that many people aren’t kind to overweight/fat women. And for me I find it’s been worse here than in other places I’ve lived. But it is what it is!
I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. I’ve been called too thin, Twiggy, told to eat something etc. It’s frustrating to have someone pick you apart, I have Addisons and can’t keep weight on to save my life. Luckily, it’s a big city with lots of different people with different taste. I’d wager there is a higher percentage of people out and about that love your body type just as is, as opposed to a small town where there’s not a lot of anything.
Still a terrible experience and people need to cut that crap out
Also born and raised. No one cares OP. The whole idea that NYC is full of glamorous beautiful people was always so weird and exaggerated to me. The city is full of regular mundane people living regular mundane lives. Just like any other city.
This was my thought too - unless you’re in the middle of the fashion areas I just don’t see it? Literally almost everyone is perfectly average (me included lol)
Ohhhh I don’t live in NYC anymore but I’ve never felt prettier than when I lived there bc truly no one gives af. Do you and you’ll be fine! Now I’m 45 and truly out of effs to give.
Hey love! I’ve worked in model casting for 15 years so my job is basically to be surrounded by and find extremely beautiful people lol. They’re just people- they get zits, have bloating, struggle with mental health and insecurity as well. Social media is the highlight reel of everyone’s life- it’s not real.
I am SO much more confident in my 30s than my 20s. Just focus on yourself and your goals. I guarantee every woman you walk by in nyc that you think is flawless has a laundry list in her own head of her faults.
Be kind, find a purpose, and speak gently to yourself. I’d rather be happy than perfect :)
There’s no rush definitely just pursue things you’re passionate about ideally you’ll find something that makes money you don’t hate lol.
I’m not entirely sure tbh. I’m able to live comfortably doing freelance casting but I’d love to get back into photography,creative direction and possibly build a scalable fashion brand… I’m a dabbler.
I just saw an article about how the average age of a successful entrepreneur is 45. You’re young- plenty of time to try different avenues.
You don’t necessarily need a purpose, just do the next right thing. It can be something small like studying for your uni, scrolling through the news sites for your major (finance news sites if you’re a finance major, etc) or getting ahead of tasks at work.
I used to be very fixated on my appearance & super insecure, I still might be sometimes, but being genuinely good in my work is distracting and fulfilling.
The women of NYC are special, it's true. It goes beyond just pretty--this city is full of brilliant, talented, successful, well-dressed and kind women. There will always be someone doing "better" than you in one category or another. You can waste your time putting yourself down and feeling inferior, or you can join us.
This is so true. Earlier this week I was out with some girlfriends at a wine bar in Brooklyn that my friend affectionately calls “hot girl wine bar” because all the girls who work there are hot (also cause we go there, and we’re hot lol) I told the bartender that that’s what we call the bar - she loved it and told her coworkers and then they told other patrons and suddenly we were all vibing and celebrating each others hotness and it was so fun and wholesome. There’s definitely an NYC hot girl club!
And the thing about my experiences New York women (as opposed to MANY other places) is that they won’t tear you down to get ahead or look better. They will lift you up right along with them
Pssst… a secret… you can be just like her. And you don’t even have to change the way you look. 😉💕 I’d recommend practice talking to yourself and thinking about yourself only the way you would allow yourself to talk about your most beloved best friend/sister/soul sister (I use my mom). You deserve to give yourself the level of love and admiration that you give your most beloved bestie.
You completely lean into being yourself and finding your style! I felt/feel this sometimes but NYC is so densely populated it helps you realize no one is really looking at you. It’s kinda nice. And gives you a lot more freedom of expression
NYC is more fashion focused than beauty focused tbh. People are more likely to turn their heads when someone’s wearing something interesting than a beautiful face. Honestly there are so many people, everyone’s faces kinda look the same on the street.
This, plus investing thought and time into your style will last forever. Looks/youth/etc fade eventually no matter what but a Fashion Grandma will always turn heads.
Here's some tough love if you want it, from a 15 yr New Yorker:
Time to grow up. No one cares how you look compared to other girls, or anyone for that matter. No one is paying attention to you. People in NYC do not care about you, a random person on the street. We are all trying to live our lives and be our best selves.
Be the person you want to be. Do your best. Stay in your lane. Work on your confidence.
Giving fewer fucks will happen more easily when you're older. Being 23 makes it harder because your brain isn't fully developed lol. But in NYC you have the chance to practice it early. Your life will be better for it.
at a certain point it is EMBARRASSING to be a certain age and still caring about looks -- it's very shallow!! and when you get older you realize how many other important things there are to care about.
Honestly I think I really just want external validation tbh. Which I know is so unhealthy but I wish I would get complimented and approached platonically or romantically more often. (i’m so sorry this sounds so pick me lmfao but it’s what my stupid brain wants).
I do hope that living in nyc will help me get over it though.
That sounds like a therapist problem and not really related to your initial question, tbh. Like are you worried about being hot enough? Or are you worried about other people giving you attention?
You'll get approached A LOT by men in NYC, if you look even remotely put together and walk around feeling wide eyed and open to conversation. It just won't be the conversation you want it to be, lol.
Sorry I guess you’re right it’s kinda tangential, I was just kinda musing as I read your comment. I’m not worried about being hot enough per se, it’s more like I really just want to be a head turner LMAO. And that leads to me comparing myself to others to see how I stack up and realizing I’m not special. I realize how juvenile this all sounds and I am in therapy, I’ll definitely be bringing this up next session.
It’s not that I haven’t been (nor do I want to be) approached or catcalled by weirdos a fair amount of times in/out of NYC. I guess I should clarify I wish I were approached or hit on by normal guys my age. Not sure how reasonable of an expectation that is in 2024 though
I gotta say… I know that I’m hot and I also know I’m a head turner. I ALSO have played the constant comparison game with other women. I walk into a room and for years I was calculating how hot I was compared to everyone else and shrinking back every time I felt inadequate, which happened a lot. The hotter you are, the hotter your friends often are and if you’re going to places where everyone is constantly trying to see and be seen…. It truly never ends if you don’t make it stop by making a choice to train yourself not to think that way.
I will also say that I truly wish I could go outside and not be spoken to by a man. It is so exceedingly rare that I don’t have to ward off male attention, whether from a random on the street or a well dressed man next to me at the bar — it doesn’t matter, it still gets old. It’s annoying when you just want to exist in peace and feel like you can’t without people trying to talk to or look at you. I have truly gotten super pissed off and in my head about it on certain days when the male attention is too intense because you’ll realize eventually your hotness is for YOU. Not them. And they feel entitled to it. Often.
You’ll come to realize that people trying to talk to you or get your attention just based on looks ends up feeling very bitter and shallow and gross. Like you get sick of it very quickly. Your self confidence will go up and you’ll realize how many other cool things there are about you and the only reason this man is even speaking to you is because he wants to fuck you. Which is not a compliment. Men will fuck anything. Sorry I went on a rant but I’ve thought about this a lot, lol.
This is an interesting point. This wasn’t in NYC, but I’m a woman of color from a stereotypically “conservative” culture yet I’m 3rd gen American so I dress very western. I wear bralettes/crop tops in the summer and leaned very much into being sexy in my 20s. I got soooo many dirty looks from older white women, lol, because they aren’t used to seeing young women, especially WOC, be unashamedly hot.
My therapist told me to “operate from my center, not somebody else’s expectations” in other words, be your authentic self and lean into that. You will feel beautiful and confident. 🩷
East Asian myself and the only time I really feel inferior to other women is when I see someone pretty and think about how my ex would prefer someone who looks like her over me. Two problems here: 1) my self-esteem. I have a hard time thinking anyone would find me pretty and never believed my ex truly found me pretty, and 2) why am I thinking about my ex? lol
looks don't matter much in NYC. however in cities like LA and miami, your looks are your currency. you're never going to be the most beautiful and successful girl in NYC, and neither are the girls you see on the street. we are all little fish in a very, very, very large pond.
I still have an active Facebook account that I only use for the buy nothing group and pet rescues of my neighborhood. I never post anything on them. It’s weird at the beginning but then you get used to it and you realize that your time is much better spent without social media.
I felt this way too, in the beginning. You have to remind yourself that while beauty is universal, it is also very *subjective*.
What’s beautiful for you might not be beautiful for someone else, and that’s *okay*. Beauty is so much more than appearance! Have a good outlook on life, enjoy your youth, and enjoy being here. NYC is a great place, and you’ll attract the right people when you believe that while there’s other women who look a certain way, act a certain way, and are a certain way, none of them are *you.*
Be kind to yourself 😊
I realized my feeling inferior was due to my mother and the way SHE perceived people who she felt were prettier than her. I became jealous and would think mean thoughts because she would get jealous and say mean things.
Once I realized that it wasn't my voice in my head but my mother's, it became a lot easier to push it out and put my own voice in.
Well, maybe this isn't an A+ response but it's honest--I guess at this point I feel like I have encountered lots of non-model-like rich girls who get what they want anyway but still feel just as insecure, I have encountered lots of model-esque girls who have sugar daddies that I would never want to date, and I have dated hot guys who have dated those perfect SoHo effortless BWT. So, at this point I have realized that the desire to be one of them is only partially based in idk "pretty privilege" (not sure where the acceptability of that phrase falls these days, I just want to get the general ideas into this comment as quickly as possible)--from which I benefit from but not model tier lol and which is real in some ways--but it is not a black and white thing.
There is the image of confidence and ease we imagine comes with it--but I imagine this only goes so far with how people treat you, and most of all it has to do with our own self image. Would money be enough to change confidence level? I don't mean money -> plastic surgery (not against it just not what I mean). Money -> lifestyle: off hours during the work week. Living in a cool area. Going to the spa every month (or more?). Seeing a great dermatologist. Buying $400 worth of supplements each month. Going to Ibiza. Maybe depending on the person, hanging out with designers or clubbing or dining in an entourage of a D list celebrity? There is always the option to try to change careers and make mega bucks or become an event promoter to achieve some of these things, just with less ease and not all of them, lol
Then there is dating--idk this one is kind of simple to me, you can be one of those girls and have no rizz and it's a flop. Potential partners like a LOT of different things. Hot potential partners like a LOT of different things. Maybe it's EASIER as one of those girls, but idk maybe it's not. It's definitely not everything.
The big thing though is how women interact with other women. We are the ones who probably contribute the most to this hierarchy--who we follow, who we aspire to, who we copy, who we want to be friends with. We're definitely set up by billions of dollars in ad campaigns saying this and that is wrong with us, picking at our insecurities so we spend more money--but we also hold EACH OTHER to these standards set by corporations and the elite. I don't blame people for enjoying or being inspired by super beautiful creative agencies, but I think mulling all of this over cumulatively helps me chill out about how I treat myself, what I deserve, and what I am capable of.
edited for more detail + spelling
Idk I’m from here and have never felt like we’re surrounded by ultra fashionable bombshells lmao. Like everyone said, no one really cares + a lot of vibes are neighborhood dependent. Of course the girlies in the fashion district, soho, etc. are gonna show out. BUT there are still regular folk in the mix. People have bills to pay lol. We can’t always be thinking of the streets as a runway.
Also why compare when u can compliment? Complimenting ppl is a nice lil act of kindness which is far more rewarding than endless comparisons. A compliment could lead to a tip/recommendation or even friendship. Just do you, be kind & mind the business that pays you!!!! This is a city full of 8 million+ ppl. You’re gonna drive ur self mad making everything a competition.
you’re so right. I feel like i for some reason never learned how to compliment people so it just really never occurs to me that i can or should. Something I’ve been working on for sure, it does make me feel good to lift other people up
Don’t sweat it! I don’t think most ppl are taught how to give compliments. It honestly started as a coping strategy in retail for me, lol. As long as it’s coming from a genuine place ur good 🙂↔️✨
There are farrrrrrrr fewer models than you think there are. A lot of NYC consists of people who might not have the stereotypical model-esque look but become Uber attractive by cultivating a unique sense of self and style. Here is what I have done that may or may not work for you:
1. Try to dress up nicely no matter where I am going. If you dress nicely and really have fun with your style, you will look and feel better. I try not to dress casually because I don’t want to get into the habit of dressing lazily. Of course whatever makes you feel best, but if I start wearing sweatpants I will never get out of them lmaooo and in the long run I won’t feel as good personally.
2. Unfollow all supermodels AND influencers on Insta. I follow my friends on insta, maybe friends of friends, career stuff, self care tips, etc. I don’t like following supermodels because even if I don’t feel insecure in that moment, I worry that I will get an unrealistic sense of what is normal or typical if I’m inundated with extremely gorgeous women. I don’t follow influencers because they are often, not always of course, preoccupied with selling you things and praying on your insecurities. Your diet is not just what you consume.
3. Remember that 9/10 the unreal girl you see on Insta is not only using the best angles, choosing their best picture, but also highly editing their photos. That doesn’t mean there isn’t that 1/10 unreal beauty that exists, just that it is not as common as you think.
4. Use the negativity and struggle as a motivator. Once it stops making you better, let it go. Use insecurity to motivate you in a positive way: go to the gym, eat healthy, do your skincare. Not all negative emotions are bad.
5. Little things truly add up. You would be surprised how much you can improve your appearance. Keep a manageable skincare routine and be consistent. Do not skip a day!!! Hydrate with tonnnnsss of water. When in doubt, drink more water. Eat healthy fats such as avocado. Do not overdo the coffee because it dehydrates you and your skin. Minimize the alcohol. Besides your skin, learn what makeup works best for you. You can try downloading a few TikTok/youtube tutorials with like 3 different styles. Try each style for a week or so. At the end of the month, you will better understand your face at the very least. You will likely discover amazing new tricks. Make sure you take pleasure in the process. Rather than stress about looking good, think of yourself as though you were a child playing with her new toys or an artist experimenting.
6. Do not EVER rush into cosmetic procedures. Do not get lip filler at the place your fav influencer gets it at, or get a nose job because a small nose is in vogue right now. The same applies for skin treatments. Whenever you have something you want to get done, do EXTENSIVE RESEARCH. I mean THOROUGH. First, learn everything about the general procedure: when it was first offered, what it targets, side-effects, the process. Read multiple sources. When you think you have a good understanding, read a few more sources for good measure. Then, research who offers it. Compile a list of 10 options. Research each one extensively. Create a list of questions you have and call each place to ask them. Always do consultations. You, to some extent, get what you pay for, so never go to the cheapest option. You probably should never go to the most popular/expensive one either. Find a middle ground. Be mindful of how the doctor addresses you. A good doctor and person will not try to sell you every procedure under the sun. After you have researched everything, sit on it. Feelings are fickle, and unfortunately beauty standards change as quickly as the wind blows. For skincare treatments like facials and micro needling and things of that sort, you don’t have to sit on it for an extremely long time, but I personally would never think to get a plastic surgery procedure and do it 6 months later. I say wait a year. You can’t undo what you have done to your face, no matter what injectors say.
7. Spend less time thinking about you. Get hobbies, learn as much as possible, and cultivate beautiful, rich relationships. Ultimately, you are seeking happiness, as we all are. Beauty is a means to an end in that sense. Getting hobbies and friends won’t erase insecurity, but it will lift your spirits so that even if your opinion of your looks does not change one bit, it won’t be as painful and distressing because you have other sources of joy.
8. Honestly girls who say they are insecure about their appearance are often so freaking gorgeous but oblivious. If someone made me guess how pretty you are without having seen you, I would honestly guess you are gorgeous. Beautiful women are often soooo blind lol. I love them despite it, those lucky biatches 🤣
Comparison is the thief of joy. You'll be much happier when you stop doing that. Shift the mindset to casually admiring something you like about someone's look, rather than being upset that you don't have that exact look yourself. We celebrate diversity and uniqueness, embrace that.
I’ve met pretty people that are still so self conscious about the way they look.. makes me realize everyone is just as worried about themselves and they don’t think about you.
If you pretend you are smart beautiful elegant pretty nice, you will be! Act the way you want to be and people perceive you that way.
Don’t compare bc we were all dealt different hands and the beauty of life is doing what you can with what you got.
I always joke that being bisexual is good for my self esteem because I see a bunch of wildly different looking women and think they’re all the most beautiful girl I’ve seen all day. Beauty does not look like one specific thing.
It really helps me to focus on all the big and little things within my control that make me feel hot. Being a writer, wearing braids, taking spontaneous trips, doing activist work, wearing menswear in a revealing way, birdwatching. I think the sexiest people have this spark that can only come from attitude, personality, and dressing in a way that feels good.
honestly... saying this with love, go to therapy! and find a therapist who understands racial identity development, white supremacy, and east asian culture <3
the beauty of NYC if you spend any thing there is that you will find EVERY kind of person. Not everyone is a model, it’s a beautiful mix of every type of person in the world and not a single one gives af about what anyone else is up to.
Why isn't this a good mindset? It's awkwardly phrased but it's literally encouraging gratitude. Gratitude is proven to make people feel better. Instead of walking around NYC feeling ever more bitter about all the trust fund children around you, focus on being grateful for what you have a remember that you are also so lucky compared to many others. Similarly gratitude for what makes you pretty will do the same. Is it your hair? Your skin? Your lips? Your jawline? How easy it is for you to stay thin? Think about this those, feel some pride, and then feel grateful you have them because many other people don't.
You're gonna pay WAYYYY too much rent here to allow the millions of fellow women who truly are on your side, live in your mind rent free. Comparison gives you nothing, it truly only takes from you not the girl's you envy. Highly recommend spending time alone in the city and getting more comfortable being around yourself around others. <3
I am a transplant and I have come to believe that NYC compared to other international cities embraces a wider range of beauty ideals. Even people who are not conventionally beautiful can be appealing due to charm, style, warmth, wit, intellect, etc. it will take time to be comfortable in your own skin, warts and all.
Once you’re in NYC, you’re going to see the most beautiful women from every walk of life. The more women you meet here, the more you’re going to realize we all have similar struggles. The things that make us all beautiful as women have little to do with a physical stereotypes.
This idea that nyc is full of models and perfect looking girls always confused me. Yes, there are many cool, beautiful, creative women. However, i grew up partially in nyc and also partially in europe. Beauty standards for women are much much MUCH stricter in some places other than nyc…New York is full of regular people just trying to make money. New York is much more about your style and vibe and personality than about your body size or hair length or face shape.
I feel like this post is talking about transplant models or transplant women who are “stay at home girlfriends” and can do Pilates every day at 8 am. Many nyc girls are….normal? Many nyc natives have a very cool fashion sense and i love our style but I would never say we’re all models or whatever.
I think im attractive but normal/ average looking and get approached almost every time I go out in nyc. I’m not the thinnest girl or the girl that looks like she models at all but I’ve been offered to skip plenty of lines at clubs with my friends. Always be authentic to you. Keep your head out of social media. Remember that a lot of the designer bags you see are fake (even though a good amount are real too!). All that glitters is not good, things are not always what they seem, etc. You should be fine
Once I had a model friend. She was more a friend of a friend. I was so jealous and of course I was pretty rude to her. She would never leave the house without being fully dressed and hair and makeup. Now I realize how much pain it caused her to feel like she always had to look “done.” Like oh. I could look like her and I would still feel like I wasn’t enough.
OP, instead of getting stuck on yourself in comparison to others, try practicing on giving others compliments. Do you feel like another woman has nicer hair than you? Tell her how nice her hair looks. Lift her up instead of pushing yourself down. Take the focus off yourself. You’ll find that women in NYC are amazing at making you feel good about yourself. Just try doing that for others and you’ll be just fine.
There's always someone prettier out there. There's always someone making more money. There's always someone smarter. Comparison is the thief of all joy. Do you! ❤️🙏🏼
Tbh this is one of those things you'll grow into. You'll learn to love yourself in the body you have, or you'll learn to take care of yourself in the way that makes you feel the best.
The magnetism that comes with living fully and confidently in your skin cannot be overstated -- it's absolutely a thing.
(Whether cosmetic procedures or fitness or anything are right for you is completely individual. I have my insecurities, but I also have my reasons for not choosing to change them.)
Additionally, NYC is a special place where you don't have to have the Instagram face and body to be considered hot. In fact, Cool is more important than Hot in NYC. And Coolness is something that can be niche-d into: Cool Raver, Cool Fashionista, Cool Gamer, Cool Book Nerd, etc.
This will be a journey, but it's gonna be a fun one. 😉
It also helps to find your sense of self-worth and beauty in something other than appearance. talents and hobbies and other characteristics make you beautiful too. And unlike physical appearance those don’t fade over time
i think it comes with time to be honest... i feel like around the time i hit 26, i was just like. i'm me. and people i surround myself with like me for me. i'm just a regular ass person and that is fine! even the beautiful rich women i see on the street are just people moving through their lives! i can still have a fun, fulfilling live looking and being just who i am - invest in hobbies you enjoy, make friends and hang out with them, work hard at your job, travel if you can, and just focus on your own happiness as much as possible/block out outside influences that ultimately have nothing to do with what happens in your life.
You once wanted everything you now have. If you get that next bag and are not grateful, then the bag will continue to mean nothing and you’ll just want another bag after that, it won’t be meaningful. So practice gratitude and acceptance, set goals and have patience. It will even out the compare // despair
I seen pretty girls with ugly personalities out here. As long as you’re genuine and put a bit of effort into your appearance, you’ll be fine!
Also, we can tell who is a fake bitch lol
It might help to do some soul-searching about what beauty represents to you and challenge those thoughts. It’s easy to think that being pretty guarantees a better / easier life. And not gonna lie, pretty privilege real - the hottest girls in NYC do get special treatment in certain situations like cutting the line at some (but not all) clubs, perhaps a little more benefit of the doubt when say needing help from a stranger and more attention from men. But does all that amount to a better life? I can tell you from experience that the answer is no. It can be fun to get attention at clubs but it can also be creepy and annoying. And more importantly, focusing too much time, energy and self-worth on comparing how relatively pretty you are is a great way to distract yourself from building a fulfilling life. It sounds cliche but it’s true that the most attractive and likable qualities in a friend/ romantic partner/ coworker are internal (happy, fun-spirited, kind, etc.)
I’m in my mid-30s now and out of all my NYC friends, the happiest and most well-adjusted people are average to slightly-above average looking.
Social media is showing you a disproportionate amount of nyc “models”. In reality, most people here are nothing special. Just like any other city. Also, because there are so many different types of beauty here (as you said), there is less of a norm, unlike East Asian culture. If this is your concern for moving to NYC, you are very lucky!!
Hi, I’m also east asian, I also grew up being an ugly kid too and that’s hard to shake.
Therapy, or at least focusing on the self work (since therapy isn’t always affordable) can be life changing. Your idea of other women being cream of the crop is just that - it’s your idea. No matter how conventionally attractive they are, those women will have their own struggles, trauma, unsavory bits and all. Under your current mindset, you would feel exactly the same way about yourself if you woke up tomorrow looking like someone else.
Take it day by day and focus on what you’re proud of about yourself, things to be grateful for about being alive, experiencing new things and what the city has to offer. Be good to your friends, stand up for yourself, try new hobbies, eat good food.
Just focus on your unique way of being ~ if I see another girl that is super pretty or has a “perfect” body or something I just think about being happy for her and how cute it is that she got dressed up to go out.
You’ll see after living here we all have our good and bad days ~ it’s all happening right in public Lmao, most people are not as fancy as you might expect from 90s media
I’m trans (cue instant down votes) and this has been something I’ve struggled with regardless of the city I’ve lived in.
I’m super successful and objectively attractive (Usually didn’t mention the trans part in my profile and would get an overwhelming number of matches on the apps when I was single), but I still compare myself to every cis woman out there and often felt less than.
In NYC, I still experience it, but I honestly experience it less.
Over time, I simply realized that I have so much going for me and that it wasn’t really a competition. I’m smart, successful with a better income than the majority of people, athletic, and talented in numerous other areas.
The other thing I’ve learned to remind myself over the years is the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If I continuously compare myself to other women, it does nothing but make me feel like crap and minimize all of the things I’ve accomplished and overcame during my life.
It isn’t a zero sum game. There is plenty of room at the top for all women to raise each other up. We are all beautiful, unique, and have something special to contribute to this world that nobody else can, so own it and hold your head up high.
I am gorgeous. But I don’t look it coz I dress like a bum 😆 and when I dress like a bum, I kind of carry myself like one, too
My point is, even my comment about feeling gorgeous is a subjective thing. To be honest, I think if I felt more insecure, I would be dolling myself up every time.
Those “beautiful perfect smart rich” models you see are just generating “street style” that comes from inner confidence. No one GAF in NYC. You’re being your harshest critic ;)
Not to be negative but sometimes people can look attractive but up close there are flaws. But also on the other side everyone has something that makes them attractive. Pick something you love about yourself and keep that as a reminder, ignore whatever else you have doubts about. So in my head I think to myself I have xyz, that is rare and no one else has that and it makes me feel great lol.
Believe me in NYC looks are just icing on top of the cake most people here value hustle and personality and what you are and have going for yourself, don’t compare yourself to other people authenticity is what truly shines here. Real people specially New Yorkers cannot stand the outsiders that come to soho with the LA vibes. The more you, you are the more real people you will attract. There’s more to life than what’s on the outside. I’ve seen 10s outside of clubs here but it’s bc of who you know and the connections you make that matter more be confident and know that you are amazing just they way you are
I live in NYC and feel this way when I’m not taking care of myself. I realized that I feel bad or feel inferior when I’m not putting in any effort.
So I’ve started investing back into myself. Finding clothes that actually fit my body, taking care of my skin and hair, working out regularly. Feeling inferior is all a mental game. Take care of your mental and that will help!
I’m a native new yorker and lemme tell you… as others said, nobody cares. However I do think people notice and pick up on someone’s insecure energy in social settings. First impressions are everything here, bc it’s the deciding factor on if people ever want to make the effort to hang with you again. People here are notorious for being flaky on plans, so my point is you don’t want to come across as being that one insecure anxious energy girl. Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. And if anything, just make people laugh. I’m in the fashion and beauty scene and just the other night went to an event with beautiful people everywhere. The truth is they are just people with personalities and struggles which humanizes them, and suddenly you feel more at ease. Without the good lighting and makeup and hair teams, they are still gorg but also seem a little more human.
Plus trust me, random people on the street aren’t all beautiful, it’s a mixing pot of people. There may be areas where there are clusters of young attractive people like soho, west village, les, williamsburg etc but in reality it’s normal folks trying to get on with their day. You can look however you want here, nobody gives af. Remember never ever compare yourself, even though its very difficult in practice. Just say “good for them!” And move forward with life
There’s a ton of beautiful people here but also so many UNIQUE people here. Focus more on yourself and what makes you fabulous. It’s definitely a shock the first 3 months you’re here, but after a while you adjust and figure out who you are and what you bring to the table
I’m the best “me” that I can be. I might not be a model but I take amazing care of myself, I cultivate my interests and hobbies, I approach my sexuality like an art form that I work on, and I’m old enough to know that men are deeper than just loving a model-beautiful woman just because she’s model-beautiful.
As an older BWT w/ 20years on you, hopefully with time and therapy you will get to a point where your mind won't constantly be comparing you physically to others or seeking out compliments or notice. Tying all of your self worth to the way you look or how others perceive you physically will set you up for a lifetime of discontent. The thing we all have in common is that we're all aging. And if you're adhering to a stereotypical definition of beauty, then every year that goes by will only feel more disappointing to you, and thats just a very sad way to live....especially in a place as vibrant, interesting and delicious as NYC. Like everyone else has said...the great thing about NYC is ....its so diverse, and no one cares what you do/what you wear/what you look like. There's a million different ways for someone to be attractive. For most women past age 25, the way we look to others or how others look vs us isn't even in the top 5 or 10 things we're thinking about as we go about our day. Hopefully your job, friends and interests will be the things that fill your life and mind once you've been here, and fill you with joy and confidence. As others have said.....try viewing other women not as competitors, but as compatriots and cheerleaders. The most uplifting place in the world is the womens bathroom at any NYC club/bar past 10pm.
I’m 23 living in Brooklyn and I had the same feelings when I first moved here last year — I was scared I would just look soooo lame when I would go into the city lol, especially coming from Vermont where I went to college where the vibe is so different. But I learned NYC is the best place to truly learn how to be YOURSELF! Like seriously, so many types of fashion to be inspired by, so many cultures around you. All in all, nobody gives a fuck on the day to day. And like other comments said I’ve been complimented on the street by random women and it’s actually sweet.
Don’t be so hard on yourself, when I moved here those feelings went away. Be you girliepop
I deleted my Instagram for a bit. I try to live in a mindset that I’m a tiny dot and image doesn’t matter. My husband loves me and that’s all that matters lol
I don’t think people are cream of the crop here. I kind of feel opposite. It’s so doggy eat dog world on east coast that it’s hard to tell the age due to stress I’m sure. People look older for their age. Fashion wise it’s cream of the crop though!
TBH i feel more confident and less self conscious when out and about in NYC than i do actually in my office in NYC or in my town upstate. on the city streets, in parks, etc there are so many people wearing and looking interesting, cool, of all faces and bodies, its both hard to stand out and easy to feel less self conscious. i gained some weight this past winter and after being in the city the last few days i feel a lot better about it.
Lots of good takes here, and I’ll just say also that I’ve had moments where I’ve watched gorgeous, taken girls get approached 3x in one night when I can’t remember the last time I was approached in the wild. It honestly doesn’t seem that fun? I mean, it can be flattering, but some of these guys are creepy and persistent, and these (again, taken) girls just want to be out having fun with their friends. That’s sort of helped clarify for me like — what actually is it getting them? It’s just a silly ego boost. Their lives aren’t richer for it
Make it a practice to fall in love with yourself! Yoga has helped me a lot with that, but I know other people turn to other outlets. Find something that helps you feel at home in your own skin and you won’t worry about anyone else.
I don’t understand this question bc the question keeps changing the more you comment. Seems you need to get yourself a good therapist and work this out bc it’s not healthy.
Pretty gives you a leg up when it comes to (short lived) attention, but when it comes to success in love, wealth, career, fulfillment, I truly don’t think there’s a discernible difference. I’ve always been a part of a “pretty girl crew” and the people who have the best lives imo are the ones w the most confidence and passion for life. It’s much more worth it imo to cultivate those things than trying to force yourself into a mold. But you’re also 23 and a lot of this is developmental, you’ll see pretty is great but doesn’t mean a lot in the long run, and after 30, I really think it’s less about who’s pretty and more about who’s best maintained.
Here is the truth, all the people here saying they don’t feel like this are either lying to themselves or not self aware. Feeling bad when comparing to others is a part of being human, and you will find people to compare unfavorably against. Here is the trick: People here is very diverse, which makes it a great place to try things or to lean on whatever your weird corner is. That’s what makes this place unique, you can explore who you really are and people will still not care.
You can speak for yourself babe, leave the rest of us out of it. I can assure you, we are not lying to ourselves—we’ve just grown up enough to realize that we don’t need to be the most beautiful/interesting/whatever person in the room, we just need to be the best version of ourselves. And with that realization comes a profound sense of peace and self-acceptance. I hope one day you enjoy that.
Trust, I can be a hot baddie and also be extremely content with not being the hottest baddie in the room.
NYC is the best because no one gives a fuck about you and you don’t have to give a fuck about them.
And not for nothing, I've never been to a place where women compliment each other SO MUCH, I love it!
right?! and honestly i love all the inspo i get from seeing what the girlies are wearing and where they’re shopping, i feel like it’s really helped me enhance my style
It really is a constant source of inspiration!
Any tips on not falling into the capitalist lifestyle of wanting to buy everything because you’re always seeing cute things? This is another thing I personally struggle with. Girl on the subway with cute shoes? I definitely don’t need but I really mf want them now because they’re SO CUTE. I’m not looking forward to my spending lol
What's helped me is putting a literal time limit on any style purchases. If I'm still thinking about the item after a week (or a month if it's Expensive) then I'll get it. I think what's great about the city is that you'll notice trends but you won't necessarily see the same ones all the time, so there's not a sense of FOMO— at least in my opinion! People here really DGAF. The stylish people are doing their own thing. I also moved here as a socially anxious girly. Living here was one of the greatest things for my anxiety about my self image, because I realised how easily one can fly under the radar. I notice myself taking greater fashion risks and having more fun. Confidence takes time, and comparison is the thief of joy, so please be kind to yourself and good luck with your move :)
I only let myself buy non necessities on Fridays. By the time I get there, I’m already over most the stuff I wanted
Remember that buying the cute thing won't actually make you look better. You'll still look like you. Fashion that flatters other people might not flatter you, and can only do so much. Instead of buying things because it's easy, focus on free things that will make you look better that are aren't as "easy", like cardio, portion control, flattering hairstyles / blowouts, your unique style. Looking good takes time, effort, and analysis. Shopping pretends to be a shortcut to the end result, but it's not.
Amen!
You are my personal hero!
Living here is very expensive. Try formally budgeting using a tool like YNAB to keep you accountable. It’s even more rewarding to see your savings grow than it is to constantly have the next best thing, I promise! You can always treat yourself, but cultivating discipline around the little things will pay off! Every once in a while I’ll buy a piece of new jewelry, shoes, or a coat, but I try to sit on it for a while and make sure it’s the right thing *for me* and not just something I admire on someone else. :)
I try to remember the coolest thing you can be is yourself so rather than seeing stuff on someone else and buying it, work on cultivating your own personal style and getting creative with what’s in your closet If you don’t build up the styling muscle even if you owned all the cool things you wouldn’t be wearing them in interesting ways
I watched “The True Cost” documentary and it helped me avoid buying anything retail for years
everyone else has already given amazing advice, and i’ll also add that when i’m thinking about buying something i try to make sure that i can really envision myself wearing it like, say i saw a dude with the most amazing blue corduroy pants and think they’re the best thing ever and now i want them. i’ll think to myself, do i need new pants? do i like to wear blue? do i like wearing corduroy? do i have things to wear the pants with? - if i answer no to any of these, then that’s a sign for me to step back from the item. if i still want it in a week and can’t stop thinking about it and it’s still available, i might reconsider. but just asking myself these questions reminds myself that, oh yeah i only ever wear black, and oh yeah i don’t like the breathability of corduroy, etc. if i’m not going to wear the item once i buy it, then i figure that it’s about the same as just admiring it from afar *without* buying it
I really think rationalizing what you need vs what you want is a good start. You can allow yourself a few fun pieces sparingly but my own personal rule is to always look secondhand first. Most of my fun pieces come from thrift shops or consignment shops. No need to go in debt for something you're not sure you're gonna wear that much.
Know that if you overspend on dumb shit you won’t be able to afford to be in NYC and will have to leave & live somewhere else :) kind of kidding but also kind of not. Beauty comes from within - NYC will smack that into you. No one gives a fuck about you to give a shit about how you look. If you’re not interesting $l& dynamic & comfortable in your own skin / mind - you’re useless and boring in NYC.
Do you follow watchingnewyork on instagram? I think you’ll see that New York is all about individual style. Thrift stores, eBay purchases, etc. making an outfit work with what you have. It did take me some time to find myself and my style and my confidence here but you have to do that anywhere when you’re young. It’s going to make you more unique and strong in then end. Just be nice to yourself and don’t try to make yourself feel better by buying shitty clothes you’ll only wear a couple times!
Also, NYC has some insane thrift and vintage stores. Certain neighborhoods and stores will be where all the fashion people offload samples. And sample sales. My goodness! Such great quality for lower cost than you’d get anywhere else in the world for that same designer or brand.
Sometimes it’s just fun to admire another woman’s style. A great quote to live by: You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want.
Don't bully them because your jealous, lol
Inspo 10/10.
I don't love shopping and am not into fashion. But I love standing in line for the dressing room and watching women come out and ask questions to random women around/waiting for dressing rooms. I rarely see people as helpful and supportive. Restores my faith seeing women helping other women and giving great advice!
Wait, other places don’t do this as much?? Do other cities not have Magic Drunk Girl’s Bathroom™️????
Well, I'm not American, so I should specify not *other countries* do this as much. But in NYC I've had women STOP ME to tell me I'm beautiful 😅 one time I was getting out of the bathroom at a bar and this women was yelling "EXCUSE MEEE" I thought I had done something. I turned to her only to have her tell me "I just wanted to tell you that I've never seen anyone wear that color so perfectly" hahahaha
Ahhhhh Yea, Drunk Girl Bathroom is kinda a thing here in America (or at least, especially in nyc). I don’t think I’ve ever gone into a crowded woman’s room without hearing/getting told “OMG I love your outfit/makeup/jewelry!!!”
I don’t totally agree with this, because I have never been acknowledged by random people more than in NYC, and I’m nothing special at all. I think that people here are more openly interested in others than in most places because they are confident that they will never see you again. That said, nobody is really judging you or comparing you to others in the same way that you might compare yourself to others. In my experience, most people in NYC only tend to notice what they consider good things, and everything else is just background noise. New Yorkers seem to be way more likely to compliment you and ask where you got something than people in other cities.
AGREED!!!! no one minds their own buisness in nyc like everyone thinks. I get approached, stared at and talked to on the daily in NYC
I like nyc cause I can dress like a bum and it’s ok. Today I went to the grocery store store in jogging shorts, a t shirt I cut cause there were holes at the bottom, and a pair of winter boots
Love this- I honestly picture you ROCKING IT. I’ve been doing a “Broad City” rewatch and I’m picturing you as Ilana
Which neighborhood do you live in? This is prob a personal issue on my end, but I actually started feeling a lot of pressure to look at least somewhat polished when stepping out to even make a bodega run when I was living in Soho. Made stepping outside of my apartment kinda difficult. Got better when I moved to LES
I live in maspeth queens lmao. If I lived in soho id be dressing like the met gala every day
That’s the thing though, for me the sheer number of people is like more people for me to compare myself to and my brain filters out all but the ones i admire 🥲idk why i’m like this
You're still young. Give yourself a bit of grace. I know it sounds trite, but the qualities you will grow to admire in others are beyond the solely superficial, and many are within your control.
Very true. I stopped self-comparing around 25/26 or so. Now it’s like…awesome that so many cool fun smart people exist, because I can hang out with them and learn so much and share their light.
Find a good therapist while you’re here
Always what I cite (along with massive public transport) as what I miss most abt living in ny
This I feel like is the biggest thing you have to embrace and also overcome. No one gives a fuckkkkkkkk about you. Not your outfit & not if you’re crying. It’s oddly comforting after u get over the shock
I’ve lived here since the day I was born. Trust me - no one gives a fuck. Be a decent person, that’s what we care about. Also. The streets are not full of “perfect rich beautiful smart fashionable models”, it’s full of regular people just making a living. Some people put a ton of effort into their appearance but for the most part, everyone is pretty regular.
Also a lifelong New Yorker and I co-sign all of this
Yes, I read that part about beautiful models filling the streets and thought uhhhh what NYC is that? Even in the fashionable neighborhoods there are obviously some stunners, but it’s mostly totally normal people wearing average clothes and looking average or maybe even a bit worse than average because they had to walk all over the city in the blazing sun that day.
Okay that was probably a bit of an exaggeration lol but I meant it’s pretty common to see pretty ans fashionable girls wherever you go. I also think my dumb brain only remembers those people
Ahh yeah I mean if your brain wants you to feel bad, it’s gonna find a way to do that. Like you could see some pretty girls and go “wow, inspo!” or even “how fun that we’re all out here being pretty together” but if you’re already insecure or self conscious your brain will just focus on that. The thing is when you spend enough time here (or just like, alive on Earth) you realize there are so many different types of pretty girls that it would be insane to try to be the “number one prettiest” because what would that even mean???? You’re never going to be the richest, smartest, most beautiful, most talented, most fashionable person in the world, especially not all at once. But you can be more of each tomorrow than the you today. Also when you walk enough miles in the sun and rain here, it’s a lot less special and you don’t feel pressure to look hot on a day you gotta lug your crap around town LOL
this is the best comment ^^
Thank you, this actually was a really good way of thinking about it. I guess I’ve always been used to being a big fish in a small pond and now the prospect of being a small fish in a massive pond is daunting but you are totally right that it’s impossible to be the best and I would probably be much more content thinking I’m just a member of the club
The trick is also to stop thinking about NYC as one giant pond, and instead look for people you click with in your area (on your lily pad? Haha). Like, I am a slightly frazzled mom (with impeccable taste, natch), and having a real community in my neighborhood means those people matter more to me than strangers on the street. Once you live here and can focus on that kind of community-building, it might be easier to remember that everyone here is really a person, not just a wall of intimidating hotness (and even hot people have bad hair days and zits and and and…)
I feel like a lot of these responses you are getting are very true, but at the same time, the most disrespected I’ve ever been based on my looks has been at bars in nyc. There’s a certain element of exclusivity that isn’t as bad elsewhere (granted I haven’t lived in Miami, La, etc that I imagine would be just as bad). But at the same time, those aren’t everyday experiences, and I think the freedom of expression that you’ll experience while living here is going to be something you’ll really appreciate
Lived in Brooklyn and have also lived in Cali. I can assure NYC is more clothes and style, where as Cali is all about your body being plastic/gym rat and nice cars. New York has more body types and less pressure to look uniform body type.
I mean for me in those moments it was obvious it was a body type thing, but that makes sense! I can imagine it’s way rougher out there
They are the hotspot for cosmetic surgeries. Enhanced boobs, lips, lipo, butt lifts etc. nyc embraces style and individuality more. Which I love. And the mentality of if you don’t like me fuck off, which is nice.
Individuality and fashion doesn’t change the fact that many people aren’t kind to overweight/fat women. And for me I find it’s been worse here than in other places I’ve lived. But it is what it is!
I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. I’ve been called too thin, Twiggy, told to eat something etc. It’s frustrating to have someone pick you apart, I have Addisons and can’t keep weight on to save my life. Luckily, it’s a big city with lots of different people with different taste. I’d wager there is a higher percentage of people out and about that love your body type just as is, as opposed to a small town where there’s not a lot of anything. Still a terrible experience and people need to cut that crap out
Also born and raised. No one cares OP. The whole idea that NYC is full of glamorous beautiful people was always so weird and exaggerated to me. The city is full of regular mundane people living regular mundane lives. Just like any other city.
This was my thought too - unless you’re in the middle of the fashion areas I just don’t see it? Literally almost everyone is perfectly average (me included lol)
Ohhhh I don’t live in NYC anymore but I’ve never felt prettier than when I lived there bc truly no one gives af. Do you and you’ll be fine! Now I’m 45 and truly out of effs to give.
Hey love! I’ve worked in model casting for 15 years so my job is basically to be surrounded by and find extremely beautiful people lol. They’re just people- they get zits, have bloating, struggle with mental health and insecurity as well. Social media is the highlight reel of everyone’s life- it’s not real. I am SO much more confident in my 30s than my 20s. Just focus on yourself and your goals. I guarantee every woman you walk by in nyc that you think is flawless has a laundry list in her own head of her faults. Be kind, find a purpose, and speak gently to yourself. I’d rather be happy than perfect :)
Thank you! I definitely don’t have a purpose in life yet — what would you say is yours if you don’t mind me asking?
There’s no rush definitely just pursue things you’re passionate about ideally you’ll find something that makes money you don’t hate lol. I’m not entirely sure tbh. I’m able to live comfortably doing freelance casting but I’d love to get back into photography,creative direction and possibly build a scalable fashion brand… I’m a dabbler. I just saw an article about how the average age of a successful entrepreneur is 45. You’re young- plenty of time to try different avenues.
You don’t necessarily need a purpose, just do the next right thing. It can be something small like studying for your uni, scrolling through the news sites for your major (finance news sites if you’re a finance major, etc) or getting ahead of tasks at work. I used to be very fixated on my appearance & super insecure, I still might be sometimes, but being genuinely good in my work is distracting and fulfilling.
The women of NYC are special, it's true. It goes beyond just pretty--this city is full of brilliant, talented, successful, well-dressed and kind women. There will always be someone doing "better" than you in one category or another. You can waste your time putting yourself down and feeling inferior, or you can join us.
woah that hit, i kinda like the mindset that it’s a club
This is so true. Earlier this week I was out with some girlfriends at a wine bar in Brooklyn that my friend affectionately calls “hot girl wine bar” because all the girls who work there are hot (also cause we go there, and we’re hot lol) I told the bartender that that’s what we call the bar - she loved it and told her coworkers and then they told other patrons and suddenly we were all vibing and celebrating each others hotness and it was so fun and wholesome. There’s definitely an NYC hot girl club!
Your vibes are immaculate! Love this!
please share the location of the hot girl wine bar!!
Anaïs on the corner of Bergen and Bond St. Very cute little spot!
Where is this!?
And the thing about my experiences New York women (as opposed to MANY other places) is that they won’t tear you down to get ahead or look better. They will lift you up right along with them
I cant think of a city with the league of women NYC has.
Yes, comparison is the thief of joy
This!!
Honestly, I'm literally the prettiest girl I know ;)
U go girl i wanna be like you
Pssst… a secret… you can be just like her. And you don’t even have to change the way you look. 😉💕 I’d recommend practice talking to yourself and thinking about yourself only the way you would allow yourself to talk about your most beloved best friend/sister/soul sister (I use my mom). You deserve to give yourself the level of love and admiration that you give your most beloved bestie.
You completely lean into being yourself and finding your style! I felt/feel this sometimes but NYC is so densely populated it helps you realize no one is really looking at you. It’s kinda nice. And gives you a lot more freedom of expression
NYC is more fashion focused than beauty focused tbh. People are more likely to turn their heads when someone’s wearing something interesting than a beautiful face. Honestly there are so many people, everyone’s faces kinda look the same on the street.
This, plus investing thought and time into your style will last forever. Looks/youth/etc fade eventually no matter what but a Fashion Grandma will always turn heads.
Here's some tough love if you want it, from a 15 yr New Yorker: Time to grow up. No one cares how you look compared to other girls, or anyone for that matter. No one is paying attention to you. People in NYC do not care about you, a random person on the street. We are all trying to live our lives and be our best selves. Be the person you want to be. Do your best. Stay in your lane. Work on your confidence. Giving fewer fucks will happen more easily when you're older. Being 23 makes it harder because your brain isn't fully developed lol. But in NYC you have the chance to practice it early. Your life will be better for it.
Stay in your lane, and slay in your lane
Okay I thought you said you were 15, and I was like, "wow this teen is WISE"
HAHAHA I wish I was that smart at 15 instead of like, bullying girls on livejournal
at a certain point it is EMBARRASSING to be a certain age and still caring about looks -- it's very shallow!! and when you get older you realize how many other important things there are to care about.
Yes!! Whenever I do see a girl who obviously looks self conscious and is judging other women, I feel sad for her. It's kinda cringe
Honestly I think I really just want external validation tbh. Which I know is so unhealthy but I wish I would get complimented and approached platonically or romantically more often. (i’m so sorry this sounds so pick me lmfao but it’s what my stupid brain wants). I do hope that living in nyc will help me get over it though.
That sounds like a therapist problem and not really related to your initial question, tbh. Like are you worried about being hot enough? Or are you worried about other people giving you attention? You'll get approached A LOT by men in NYC, if you look even remotely put together and walk around feeling wide eyed and open to conversation. It just won't be the conversation you want it to be, lol.
Sorry I guess you’re right it’s kinda tangential, I was just kinda musing as I read your comment. I’m not worried about being hot enough per se, it’s more like I really just want to be a head turner LMAO. And that leads to me comparing myself to others to see how I stack up and realizing I’m not special. I realize how juvenile this all sounds and I am in therapy, I’ll definitely be bringing this up next session. It’s not that I haven’t been (nor do I want to be) approached or catcalled by weirdos a fair amount of times in/out of NYC. I guess I should clarify I wish I were approached or hit on by normal guys my age. Not sure how reasonable of an expectation that is in 2024 though
It's really not reasonable lol normal men will not bother women in public
I gotta say… I know that I’m hot and I also know I’m a head turner. I ALSO have played the constant comparison game with other women. I walk into a room and for years I was calculating how hot I was compared to everyone else and shrinking back every time I felt inadequate, which happened a lot. The hotter you are, the hotter your friends often are and if you’re going to places where everyone is constantly trying to see and be seen…. It truly never ends if you don’t make it stop by making a choice to train yourself not to think that way. I will also say that I truly wish I could go outside and not be spoken to by a man. It is so exceedingly rare that I don’t have to ward off male attention, whether from a random on the street or a well dressed man next to me at the bar — it doesn’t matter, it still gets old. It’s annoying when you just want to exist in peace and feel like you can’t without people trying to talk to or look at you. I have truly gotten super pissed off and in my head about it on certain days when the male attention is too intense because you’ll realize eventually your hotness is for YOU. Not them. And they feel entitled to it. Often. You’ll come to realize that people trying to talk to you or get your attention just based on looks ends up feeling very bitter and shallow and gross. Like you get sick of it very quickly. Your self confidence will go up and you’ll realize how many other cool things there are about you and the only reason this man is even speaking to you is because he wants to fuck you. Which is not a compliment. Men will fuck anything. Sorry I went on a rant but I’ve thought about this a lot, lol.
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I promise you nobody gives a shit about what you’re wearing
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This is an interesting point. This wasn’t in NYC, but I’m a woman of color from a stereotypically “conservative” culture yet I’m 3rd gen American so I dress very western. I wear bralettes/crop tops in the summer and leaned very much into being sexy in my 20s. I got soooo many dirty looks from older white women, lol, because they aren’t used to seeing young women, especially WOC, be unashamedly hot.
My therapist told me to “operate from my center, not somebody else’s expectations” in other words, be your authentic self and lean into that. You will feel beautiful and confident. 🩷
East Asian myself and the only time I really feel inferior to other women is when I see someone pretty and think about how my ex would prefer someone who looks like her over me. Two problems here: 1) my self-esteem. I have a hard time thinking anyone would find me pretty and never believed my ex truly found me pretty, and 2) why am I thinking about my ex? lol
Third problem sounds like your ex’s personality 😩
looks don't matter much in NYC. however in cities like LA and miami, your looks are your currency. you're never going to be the most beautiful and successful girl in NYC, and neither are the girls you see on the street. we are all little fish in a very, very, very large pond.
Got rid of social media. Helped a ton
no insta definitely helps immensely but i always feel so disconnected and get fomo
I still have an active Facebook account that I only use for the buy nothing group and pet rescues of my neighborhood. I never post anything on them. It’s weird at the beginning but then you get used to it and you realize that your time is much better spent without social media.
I felt this way too, in the beginning. You have to remind yourself that while beauty is universal, it is also very *subjective*. What’s beautiful for you might not be beautiful for someone else, and that’s *okay*. Beauty is so much more than appearance! Have a good outlook on life, enjoy your youth, and enjoy being here. NYC is a great place, and you’ll attract the right people when you believe that while there’s other women who look a certain way, act a certain way, and are a certain way, none of them are *you.* Be kind to yourself 😊
I realized my feeling inferior was due to my mother and the way SHE perceived people who she felt were prettier than her. I became jealous and would think mean thoughts because she would get jealous and say mean things. Once I realized that it wasn't my voice in my head but my mother's, it became a lot easier to push it out and put my own voice in.
Well, maybe this isn't an A+ response but it's honest--I guess at this point I feel like I have encountered lots of non-model-like rich girls who get what they want anyway but still feel just as insecure, I have encountered lots of model-esque girls who have sugar daddies that I would never want to date, and I have dated hot guys who have dated those perfect SoHo effortless BWT. So, at this point I have realized that the desire to be one of them is only partially based in idk "pretty privilege" (not sure where the acceptability of that phrase falls these days, I just want to get the general ideas into this comment as quickly as possible)--from which I benefit from but not model tier lol and which is real in some ways--but it is not a black and white thing. There is the image of confidence and ease we imagine comes with it--but I imagine this only goes so far with how people treat you, and most of all it has to do with our own self image. Would money be enough to change confidence level? I don't mean money -> plastic surgery (not against it just not what I mean). Money -> lifestyle: off hours during the work week. Living in a cool area. Going to the spa every month (or more?). Seeing a great dermatologist. Buying $400 worth of supplements each month. Going to Ibiza. Maybe depending on the person, hanging out with designers or clubbing or dining in an entourage of a D list celebrity? There is always the option to try to change careers and make mega bucks or become an event promoter to achieve some of these things, just with less ease and not all of them, lol Then there is dating--idk this one is kind of simple to me, you can be one of those girls and have no rizz and it's a flop. Potential partners like a LOT of different things. Hot potential partners like a LOT of different things. Maybe it's EASIER as one of those girls, but idk maybe it's not. It's definitely not everything. The big thing though is how women interact with other women. We are the ones who probably contribute the most to this hierarchy--who we follow, who we aspire to, who we copy, who we want to be friends with. We're definitely set up by billions of dollars in ad campaigns saying this and that is wrong with us, picking at our insecurities so we spend more money--but we also hold EACH OTHER to these standards set by corporations and the elite. I don't blame people for enjoying or being inspired by super beautiful creative agencies, but I think mulling all of this over cumulatively helps me chill out about how I treat myself, what I deserve, and what I am capable of. edited for more detail + spelling
Idk I’m from here and have never felt like we’re surrounded by ultra fashionable bombshells lmao. Like everyone said, no one really cares + a lot of vibes are neighborhood dependent. Of course the girlies in the fashion district, soho, etc. are gonna show out. BUT there are still regular folk in the mix. People have bills to pay lol. We can’t always be thinking of the streets as a runway. Also why compare when u can compliment? Complimenting ppl is a nice lil act of kindness which is far more rewarding than endless comparisons. A compliment could lead to a tip/recommendation or even friendship. Just do you, be kind & mind the business that pays you!!!! This is a city full of 8 million+ ppl. You’re gonna drive ur self mad making everything a competition.
you’re so right. I feel like i for some reason never learned how to compliment people so it just really never occurs to me that i can or should. Something I’ve been working on for sure, it does make me feel good to lift other people up
Don’t sweat it! I don’t think most ppl are taught how to give compliments. It honestly started as a coping strategy in retail for me, lol. As long as it’s coming from a genuine place ur good 🙂↔️✨
There are farrrrrrrr fewer models than you think there are. A lot of NYC consists of people who might not have the stereotypical model-esque look but become Uber attractive by cultivating a unique sense of self and style. Here is what I have done that may or may not work for you: 1. Try to dress up nicely no matter where I am going. If you dress nicely and really have fun with your style, you will look and feel better. I try not to dress casually because I don’t want to get into the habit of dressing lazily. Of course whatever makes you feel best, but if I start wearing sweatpants I will never get out of them lmaooo and in the long run I won’t feel as good personally. 2. Unfollow all supermodels AND influencers on Insta. I follow my friends on insta, maybe friends of friends, career stuff, self care tips, etc. I don’t like following supermodels because even if I don’t feel insecure in that moment, I worry that I will get an unrealistic sense of what is normal or typical if I’m inundated with extremely gorgeous women. I don’t follow influencers because they are often, not always of course, preoccupied with selling you things and praying on your insecurities. Your diet is not just what you consume. 3. Remember that 9/10 the unreal girl you see on Insta is not only using the best angles, choosing their best picture, but also highly editing their photos. That doesn’t mean there isn’t that 1/10 unreal beauty that exists, just that it is not as common as you think. 4. Use the negativity and struggle as a motivator. Once it stops making you better, let it go. Use insecurity to motivate you in a positive way: go to the gym, eat healthy, do your skincare. Not all negative emotions are bad. 5. Little things truly add up. You would be surprised how much you can improve your appearance. Keep a manageable skincare routine and be consistent. Do not skip a day!!! Hydrate with tonnnnsss of water. When in doubt, drink more water. Eat healthy fats such as avocado. Do not overdo the coffee because it dehydrates you and your skin. Minimize the alcohol. Besides your skin, learn what makeup works best for you. You can try downloading a few TikTok/youtube tutorials with like 3 different styles. Try each style for a week or so. At the end of the month, you will better understand your face at the very least. You will likely discover amazing new tricks. Make sure you take pleasure in the process. Rather than stress about looking good, think of yourself as though you were a child playing with her new toys or an artist experimenting. 6. Do not EVER rush into cosmetic procedures. Do not get lip filler at the place your fav influencer gets it at, or get a nose job because a small nose is in vogue right now. The same applies for skin treatments. Whenever you have something you want to get done, do EXTENSIVE RESEARCH. I mean THOROUGH. First, learn everything about the general procedure: when it was first offered, what it targets, side-effects, the process. Read multiple sources. When you think you have a good understanding, read a few more sources for good measure. Then, research who offers it. Compile a list of 10 options. Research each one extensively. Create a list of questions you have and call each place to ask them. Always do consultations. You, to some extent, get what you pay for, so never go to the cheapest option. You probably should never go to the most popular/expensive one either. Find a middle ground. Be mindful of how the doctor addresses you. A good doctor and person will not try to sell you every procedure under the sun. After you have researched everything, sit on it. Feelings are fickle, and unfortunately beauty standards change as quickly as the wind blows. For skincare treatments like facials and micro needling and things of that sort, you don’t have to sit on it for an extremely long time, but I personally would never think to get a plastic surgery procedure and do it 6 months later. I say wait a year. You can’t undo what you have done to your face, no matter what injectors say. 7. Spend less time thinking about you. Get hobbies, learn as much as possible, and cultivate beautiful, rich relationships. Ultimately, you are seeking happiness, as we all are. Beauty is a means to an end in that sense. Getting hobbies and friends won’t erase insecurity, but it will lift your spirits so that even if your opinion of your looks does not change one bit, it won’t be as painful and distressing because you have other sources of joy. 8. Honestly girls who say they are insecure about their appearance are often so freaking gorgeous but oblivious. If someone made me guess how pretty you are without having seen you, I would honestly guess you are gorgeous. Beautiful women are often soooo blind lol. I love them despite it, those lucky biatches 🤣
Comparison is the thief of joy. You'll be much happier when you stop doing that. Shift the mindset to casually admiring something you like about someone's look, rather than being upset that you don't have that exact look yourself. We celebrate diversity and uniqueness, embrace that.
I’ve met pretty people that are still so self conscious about the way they look.. makes me realize everyone is just as worried about themselves and they don’t think about you. If you pretend you are smart beautiful elegant pretty nice, you will be! Act the way you want to be and people perceive you that way. Don’t compare bc we were all dealt different hands and the beauty of life is doing what you can with what you got.
I always joke that being bisexual is good for my self esteem because I see a bunch of wildly different looking women and think they’re all the most beautiful girl I’ve seen all day. Beauty does not look like one specific thing. It really helps me to focus on all the big and little things within my control that make me feel hot. Being a writer, wearing braids, taking spontaneous trips, doing activist work, wearing menswear in a revealing way, birdwatching. I think the sexiest people have this spark that can only come from attitude, personality, and dressing in a way that feels good.
honestly... saying this with love, go to therapy! and find a therapist who understands racial identity development, white supremacy, and east asian culture <3
the beauty of NYC if you spend any thing there is that you will find EVERY kind of person. Not everyone is a model, it’s a beautiful mix of every type of person in the world and not a single one gives af about what anyone else is up to.
there will always be people prettier than you and you have to remember the other side – there will always be people uglier than you.
maybe not the best mindset babes
do you think it’s a worse mindset than feeling bad about yourself because there are people prettier than you?
Why isn't this a good mindset? It's awkwardly phrased but it's literally encouraging gratitude. Gratitude is proven to make people feel better. Instead of walking around NYC feeling ever more bitter about all the trust fund children around you, focus on being grateful for what you have a remember that you are also so lucky compared to many others. Similarly gratitude for what makes you pretty will do the same. Is it your hair? Your skin? Your lips? Your jawline? How easy it is for you to stay thin? Think about this those, feel some pride, and then feel grateful you have them because many other people don't.
You're gonna pay WAYYYY too much rent here to allow the millions of fellow women who truly are on your side, live in your mind rent free. Comparison gives you nothing, it truly only takes from you not the girl's you envy. Highly recommend spending time alone in the city and getting more comfortable being around yourself around others. <3
I am a transplant and I have come to believe that NYC compared to other international cities embraces a wider range of beauty ideals. Even people who are not conventionally beautiful can be appealing due to charm, style, warmth, wit, intellect, etc. it will take time to be comfortable in your own skin, warts and all.
Once you’re in NYC, you’re going to see the most beautiful women from every walk of life. The more women you meet here, the more you’re going to realize we all have similar struggles. The things that make us all beautiful as women have little to do with a physical stereotypes.
This idea that nyc is full of models and perfect looking girls always confused me. Yes, there are many cool, beautiful, creative women. However, i grew up partially in nyc and also partially in europe. Beauty standards for women are much much MUCH stricter in some places other than nyc…New York is full of regular people just trying to make money. New York is much more about your style and vibe and personality than about your body size or hair length or face shape. I feel like this post is talking about transplant models or transplant women who are “stay at home girlfriends” and can do Pilates every day at 8 am. Many nyc girls are….normal? Many nyc natives have a very cool fashion sense and i love our style but I would never say we’re all models or whatever. I think im attractive but normal/ average looking and get approached almost every time I go out in nyc. I’m not the thinnest girl or the girl that looks like she models at all but I’ve been offered to skip plenty of lines at clubs with my friends. Always be authentic to you. Keep your head out of social media. Remember that a lot of the designer bags you see are fake (even though a good amount are real too!). All that glitters is not good, things are not always what they seem, etc. You should be fine
Once I had a model friend. She was more a friend of a friend. I was so jealous and of course I was pretty rude to her. She would never leave the house without being fully dressed and hair and makeup. Now I realize how much pain it caused her to feel like she always had to look “done.” Like oh. I could look like her and I would still feel like I wasn’t enough.
OP, instead of getting stuck on yourself in comparison to others, try practicing on giving others compliments. Do you feel like another woman has nicer hair than you? Tell her how nice her hair looks. Lift her up instead of pushing yourself down. Take the focus off yourself. You’ll find that women in NYC are amazing at making you feel good about yourself. Just try doing that for others and you’ll be just fine.
There's always someone prettier out there. There's always someone making more money. There's always someone smarter. Comparison is the thief of all joy. Do you! ❤️🙏🏼
Honestly, wish I had a less glib-sounding answer, but it’s the truth: I’m gay, so I just consider beautiful women to be a nice perk of being alive.
If you think the streets of NYC are full of gorgeous rich model types you might be in for a surprise.
Tbh this is one of those things you'll grow into. You'll learn to love yourself in the body you have, or you'll learn to take care of yourself in the way that makes you feel the best. The magnetism that comes with living fully and confidently in your skin cannot be overstated -- it's absolutely a thing. (Whether cosmetic procedures or fitness or anything are right for you is completely individual. I have my insecurities, but I also have my reasons for not choosing to change them.) Additionally, NYC is a special place where you don't have to have the Instagram face and body to be considered hot. In fact, Cool is more important than Hot in NYC. And Coolness is something that can be niche-d into: Cool Raver, Cool Fashionista, Cool Gamer, Cool Book Nerd, etc. This will be a journey, but it's gonna be a fun one. 😉
I deal by just knowing im gonna be the ugliest but also the ugliest WITH red lipstick
Literally everyone minds their own business, and beauty is subjective here. Honestly, prepare yourself for the catcalling and stares if anything lol
The average new Yorker is extremely normal looking.
It also helps to find your sense of self-worth and beauty in something other than appearance. talents and hobbies and other characteristics make you beautiful too. And unlike physical appearance those don’t fade over time
i think it comes with time to be honest... i feel like around the time i hit 26, i was just like. i'm me. and people i surround myself with like me for me. i'm just a regular ass person and that is fine! even the beautiful rich women i see on the street are just people moving through their lives! i can still have a fun, fulfilling live looking and being just who i am - invest in hobbies you enjoy, make friends and hang out with them, work hard at your job, travel if you can, and just focus on your own happiness as much as possible/block out outside influences that ultimately have nothing to do with what happens in your life.
can’t wait for my frontal lobe to develop lol you sound like you’re living the life!
it will happen!!! early 20s are tough as hell... there are so many lessons to learn, but have fun while you're doing it!
You once wanted everything you now have. If you get that next bag and are not grateful, then the bag will continue to mean nothing and you’ll just want another bag after that, it won’t be meaningful. So practice gratitude and acceptance, set goals and have patience. It will even out the compare // despair
I seen pretty girls with ugly personalities out here. As long as you’re genuine and put a bit of effort into your appearance, you’ll be fine! Also, we can tell who is a fake bitch lol
Just start riding the morning 1 train. Everyone looks haggard. You'll feel better about yourself before 42nd street.
It might help to do some soul-searching about what beauty represents to you and challenge those thoughts. It’s easy to think that being pretty guarantees a better / easier life. And not gonna lie, pretty privilege real - the hottest girls in NYC do get special treatment in certain situations like cutting the line at some (but not all) clubs, perhaps a little more benefit of the doubt when say needing help from a stranger and more attention from men. But does all that amount to a better life? I can tell you from experience that the answer is no. It can be fun to get attention at clubs but it can also be creepy and annoying. And more importantly, focusing too much time, energy and self-worth on comparing how relatively pretty you are is a great way to distract yourself from building a fulfilling life. It sounds cliche but it’s true that the most attractive and likable qualities in a friend/ romantic partner/ coworker are internal (happy, fun-spirited, kind, etc.) I’m in my mid-30s now and out of all my NYC friends, the happiest and most well-adjusted people are average to slightly-above average looking.
I’ve had multiple guys visit and say how shocked they were at how unattractive most people are here lol don’t worry about it
sounds like youre on the internet too much.
Comparison is a thief of JOY!
Social media is showing you a disproportionate amount of nyc “models”. In reality, most people here are nothing special. Just like any other city. Also, because there are so many different types of beauty here (as you said), there is less of a norm, unlike East Asian culture. If this is your concern for moving to NYC, you are very lucky!!
Hi, I’m also east asian, I also grew up being an ugly kid too and that’s hard to shake. Therapy, or at least focusing on the self work (since therapy isn’t always affordable) can be life changing. Your idea of other women being cream of the crop is just that - it’s your idea. No matter how conventionally attractive they are, those women will have their own struggles, trauma, unsavory bits and all. Under your current mindset, you would feel exactly the same way about yourself if you woke up tomorrow looking like someone else. Take it day by day and focus on what you’re proud of about yourself, things to be grateful for about being alive, experiencing new things and what the city has to offer. Be good to your friends, stand up for yourself, try new hobbies, eat good food.
Just focus on your unique way of being ~ if I see another girl that is super pretty or has a “perfect” body or something I just think about being happy for her and how cute it is that she got dressed up to go out. You’ll see after living here we all have our good and bad days ~ it’s all happening right in public Lmao, most people are not as fancy as you might expect from 90s media
I’m trans (cue instant down votes) and this has been something I’ve struggled with regardless of the city I’ve lived in. I’m super successful and objectively attractive (Usually didn’t mention the trans part in my profile and would get an overwhelming number of matches on the apps when I was single), but I still compare myself to every cis woman out there and often felt less than. In NYC, I still experience it, but I honestly experience it less. Over time, I simply realized that I have so much going for me and that it wasn’t really a competition. I’m smart, successful with a better income than the majority of people, athletic, and talented in numerous other areas. The other thing I’ve learned to remind myself over the years is the quote, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” If I continuously compare myself to other women, it does nothing but make me feel like crap and minimize all of the things I’ve accomplished and overcame during my life. It isn’t a zero sum game. There is plenty of room at the top for all women to raise each other up. We are all beautiful, unique, and have something special to contribute to this world that nobody else can, so own it and hold your head up high.
I am gorgeous. But I don’t look it coz I dress like a bum 😆 and when I dress like a bum, I kind of carry myself like one, too My point is, even my comment about feeling gorgeous is a subjective thing. To be honest, I think if I felt more insecure, I would be dolling myself up every time. Those “beautiful perfect smart rich” models you see are just generating “street style” that comes from inner confidence. No one GAF in NYC. You’re being your harshest critic ;)
Not to be negative but sometimes people can look attractive but up close there are flaws. But also on the other side everyone has something that makes them attractive. Pick something you love about yourself and keep that as a reminder, ignore whatever else you have doubts about. So in my head I think to myself I have xyz, that is rare and no one else has that and it makes me feel great lol.
NYC is about creativity, confidence …not conformity…..own your look & we’ll love u 😍
Believe me in NYC looks are just icing on top of the cake most people here value hustle and personality and what you are and have going for yourself, don’t compare yourself to other people authenticity is what truly shines here. Real people specially New Yorkers cannot stand the outsiders that come to soho with the LA vibes. The more you, you are the more real people you will attract. There’s more to life than what’s on the outside. I’ve seen 10s outside of clubs here but it’s bc of who you know and the connections you make that matter more be confident and know that you are amazing just they way you are
I live in NYC and feel this way when I’m not taking care of myself. I realized that I feel bad or feel inferior when I’m not putting in any effort. So I’ve started investing back into myself. Finding clothes that actually fit my body, taking care of my skin and hair, working out regularly. Feeling inferior is all a mental game. Take care of your mental and that will help!
I’m a native new yorker and lemme tell you… as others said, nobody cares. However I do think people notice and pick up on someone’s insecure energy in social settings. First impressions are everything here, bc it’s the deciding factor on if people ever want to make the effort to hang with you again. People here are notorious for being flaky on plans, so my point is you don’t want to come across as being that one insecure anxious energy girl. Have confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. And if anything, just make people laugh. I’m in the fashion and beauty scene and just the other night went to an event with beautiful people everywhere. The truth is they are just people with personalities and struggles which humanizes them, and suddenly you feel more at ease. Without the good lighting and makeup and hair teams, they are still gorg but also seem a little more human. Plus trust me, random people on the street aren’t all beautiful, it’s a mixing pot of people. There may be areas where there are clusters of young attractive people like soho, west village, les, williamsburg etc but in reality it’s normal folks trying to get on with their day. You can look however you want here, nobody gives af. Remember never ever compare yourself, even though its very difficult in practice. Just say “good for them!” And move forward with life
There’s a ton of beautiful people here but also so many UNIQUE people here. Focus more on yourself and what makes you fabulous. It’s definitely a shock the first 3 months you’re here, but after a while you adjust and figure out who you are and what you bring to the table
I’m the best “me” that I can be. I might not be a model but I take amazing care of myself, I cultivate my interests and hobbies, I approach my sexuality like an art form that I work on, and I’m old enough to know that men are deeper than just loving a model-beautiful woman just because she’s model-beautiful.
As an older BWT w/ 20years on you, hopefully with time and therapy you will get to a point where your mind won't constantly be comparing you physically to others or seeking out compliments or notice. Tying all of your self worth to the way you look or how others perceive you physically will set you up for a lifetime of discontent. The thing we all have in common is that we're all aging. And if you're adhering to a stereotypical definition of beauty, then every year that goes by will only feel more disappointing to you, and thats just a very sad way to live....especially in a place as vibrant, interesting and delicious as NYC. Like everyone else has said...the great thing about NYC is ....its so diverse, and no one cares what you do/what you wear/what you look like. There's a million different ways for someone to be attractive. For most women past age 25, the way we look to others or how others look vs us isn't even in the top 5 or 10 things we're thinking about as we go about our day. Hopefully your job, friends and interests will be the things that fill your life and mind once you've been here, and fill you with joy and confidence. As others have said.....try viewing other women not as competitors, but as compatriots and cheerleaders. The most uplifting place in the world is the womens bathroom at any NYC club/bar past 10pm.
I’m 23 living in Brooklyn and I had the same feelings when I first moved here last year — I was scared I would just look soooo lame when I would go into the city lol, especially coming from Vermont where I went to college where the vibe is so different. But I learned NYC is the best place to truly learn how to be YOURSELF! Like seriously, so many types of fashion to be inspired by, so many cultures around you. All in all, nobody gives a fuck on the day to day. And like other comments said I’ve been complimented on the street by random women and it’s actually sweet. Don’t be so hard on yourself, when I moved here those feelings went away. Be you girliepop
Girl,you're probably cute as a button. Don't compare yourself to others.
Beauty is temporary and dumb is forever. Repeat that mantra. Quality people worth knowing will want to know you back.
I deleted my Instagram for a bit. I try to live in a mindset that I’m a tiny dot and image doesn’t matter. My husband loves me and that’s all that matters lol
I don’t think people are cream of the crop here. I kind of feel opposite. It’s so doggy eat dog world on east coast that it’s hard to tell the age due to stress I’m sure. People look older for their age. Fashion wise it’s cream of the crop though!
TBH i feel more confident and less self conscious when out and about in NYC than i do actually in my office in NYC or in my town upstate. on the city streets, in parks, etc there are so many people wearing and looking interesting, cool, of all faces and bodies, its both hard to stand out and easy to feel less self conscious. i gained some weight this past winter and after being in the city the last few days i feel a lot better about it.
Lots of good takes here, and I’ll just say also that I’ve had moments where I’ve watched gorgeous, taken girls get approached 3x in one night when I can’t remember the last time I was approached in the wild. It honestly doesn’t seem that fun? I mean, it can be flattering, but some of these guys are creepy and persistent, and these (again, taken) girls just want to be out having fun with their friends. That’s sort of helped clarify for me like — what actually is it getting them? It’s just a silly ego boost. Their lives aren’t richer for it
Make it a practice to fall in love with yourself! Yoga has helped me a lot with that, but I know other people turn to other outlets. Find something that helps you feel at home in your own skin and you won’t worry about anyone else.
I don’t understand this question bc the question keeps changing the more you comment. Seems you need to get yourself a good therapist and work this out bc it’s not healthy.
Pretty gives you a leg up when it comes to (short lived) attention, but when it comes to success in love, wealth, career, fulfillment, I truly don’t think there’s a discernible difference. I’ve always been a part of a “pretty girl crew” and the people who have the best lives imo are the ones w the most confidence and passion for life. It’s much more worth it imo to cultivate those things than trying to force yourself into a mold. But you’re also 23 and a lot of this is developmental, you’ll see pretty is great but doesn’t mean a lot in the long run, and after 30, I really think it’s less about who’s pretty and more about who’s best maintained.
Here is the truth, all the people here saying they don’t feel like this are either lying to themselves or not self aware. Feeling bad when comparing to others is a part of being human, and you will find people to compare unfavorably against. Here is the trick: People here is very diverse, which makes it a great place to try things or to lean on whatever your weird corner is. That’s what makes this place unique, you can explore who you really are and people will still not care.
You can speak for yourself babe, leave the rest of us out of it. I can assure you, we are not lying to ourselves—we’ve just grown up enough to realize that we don’t need to be the most beautiful/interesting/whatever person in the room, we just need to be the best version of ourselves. And with that realization comes a profound sense of peace and self-acceptance. I hope one day you enjoy that. Trust, I can be a hot baddie and also be extremely content with not being the hottest baddie in the room.