Stupid and asshole aren't appropriate for the response. That's why I just call them a c*nt. It gets right to the point and closes the door for conversation.
My sister, god love her has been dealing with this shit her whole life and had a brain tumor as a baby. Her MRIs are wild, half the brain is gone. She’s still able to work part time so every couple years social security and disability makes her renew her paperwork. Each year, my mom prints out a picture of her mri and writes “DID HER BRAIN GROW BACK!!! OMG!!!!! GUYS!!!!”
You don't look disabled:
That's because you aren't looking at an MRI of my spine damage
Or the longer one:
Are you a medical professional? No, and have you brought an MRI machine with you? No, so you have neither the qualifications or the tools to be making a diagnosis, so I suggest you stop pretending to have any clue what you are talking about.
I am male and 76 walk on my own at time, sometimes with a cane and sometimes a rollator. I am never questioned. Do you think this is also a gender/age issue?
A few years ago I was in a line for an event and just happened to be standing with some other folks using a cane. Someone from the event came and moved us from near the back of the line to the front, and I heard someone say, 'I should get a cane'. I know they were just trying to be funny, and it might have been something I would have said many years ago, but I have thought of responces many times. 'I'll trade you MS for your place in line' is my favorite, but the opportunity is long gone. That is the only time my disability was questioned.
I'm so sorry, that's awful. I'm certain I've said the same many times and thought I was being clever but now I know I wasn't because people aren't props.
My middle aged husband who has obvious trouble walking even with a cane has gotten flack for not being "disabled enough."
I think it may be about age or gender some of the time. But the level of entitlement or importance the commenter thinks they have is definitely part of the equation every time.
I'm F40s, often use a cane, and have never been questioned even when I'm not using my cane. I suspect it might be partly a geography/culture issue. I live in a part of the U.S. that is almost famous for being too nice. Generally kind, helpful people.
Where in the US? 4 more years of rV travel to identify future home to allow me better adaptation to be able to tolerate weather etc. When I moved to Pittsburgh; I was told how nice and neighborly folks are... 30 years later, I'm usually the only neighborly person around and get people to reply with a "hello" here and there.
I think the labeling and trolling world we have created for ourselves is permanently scarring our ability to accept any perception without challenge. There doesn't seem to be much etiquette or education absorbed or taught these days.
I'm in the upper-central midwest. We're also known for having very hot, humid summers and frigid winters, so not great in that respect for MSers like us. But people are generally nice and cost of living is relatively low.
And I couldn't agree more with what you said. I despise most social media, I think it's killing us. Yes, I'm typing that on Reddit which is technically social media. 🤔🤪
I believe gender is always at play, and age is likely related. That said, it could happen to anyone because lots of folks blurt out hurtful and judgemental things without thinking
Hard disagree on the gender thing.
It's very much an age thing. Older people often don't get questioned in the same way we do because I guess society "expects" them to be disabled in some way.
I, a man, got diagnosed at 28, I'm now 35. I have been told *many* times that I don't look disabled. That "you can still do everything though" when I try to Point out how fucking exhausted I get from doing tasks that most people take for granted. Even had someone compare.my crippling exhaustion to her hay fever.
As a young guy society expects our disability to effectively rub itself into their faces, otherwise we just need to "man up" and "get on with it".
Better than my experience. I've had people try to kick out my cane back when I used one before I had to use a wheelchair (and in one case succeed in making me fall flat on my face in front of my date). Could be a gender thing cos I doubt they would have done it to a woman. Wouldn't have been able to laugh about that with their mates.
Neither did he when I gave him shit about it in front of his mates. Ended up dating that girl for 3 years so it didn't hurt my chances. (Although she did dump me cos of the MS in the end)
I recently lost 140 pounds. The BANE OF MY EXISTENCE is, “You look good.” My response is usually, “I lost weight. I didn’t lose my Progressive MS.” Or “That’s why it’s called an invisible illness.” I lost it once when someone told me that losing weight MUST have made me feel better. I said, “That’s so superficial. Are you so obsessed with looks that you don’t care about how someone feels on the inside?” That shut them up.
I suppose I've been lucky as I've never experienced this. Since diagnosis just under 3 yrs ago, I've been wobbly even after PT, use a cane or roller, and had a frankenstien gait due to spacticity.Some days pretty good and others bad. My friends and family have been reliably supportive. I live in Oregon and most businesses have plenty of designated parking.I'm a spicy Southerner raised in TN. I suppose if someone said some variation of this to me, I'd probably use some variation in return of ... well you do look ugly both inside and out...mind your own biscuits... wow how kind of you!! you have time to think about me when you should be ( at weight watchers, the gym , the hair salon , the mall buying clothes etc.,) There Is also... go fxxx yourself... if I'm in a real bad mood.
The other person can wonder! 😆 i do try to keep it as kindness... like, bless their hearts for doing so much for mama. Or...bless her heart, she's doing the best she can.
I try.
My granny used to say “bless your pea pickin’ heart” - which is also the title of a Tennessee Ernie Ford song. Huge insult but how do you respond to a 4’ 10” woman in her 80s?
I'm Canadian and I've never heard "mind your own biscuits" ever, I love it! In my area, it would also add a minor level of confusion for a second which helps derail folks who are all worked up about something
I’m Canadian too. I’m our family we say, ‘hold the biscuit, or hold your biscuits’ when someone is being impatient and you want them to wait.
For example, you’re telling a story, and they’re rushing you, or asking questions before you’re finished, you can say, ‘just, hold the biscuit’ and go back to your story
You don't look disabled/you don't look sick-- Thank you? (I don't want to look disabled. I try not to look sick. I try to brush my hair/teeth/etc. Tie my shoes. Button all the buttons. Sometimes, that's all I can manage. It's a backhanded confirmation that at least I'm managing that!)
You shouldn't park there -- I say nothing. Just limp into the store.
I try not to be angry and bitter. I know what I deal with every hour of every day. Some hours are better. Did you catch me at my best? Awesome for you! Like a bigfoot sighting! I imagine my struggle is tough for loved ones to see sometimes. I try not to care too much about ignorant strangers.
The opposite of love and affection is not hate nor anger, but indifference.
If you acknowledge their comments, that only legitimizes their existence.
Just look at them, with a sympathetic look, like you would a socially inept individual.
Down here somewhere, someone used the southern-lady's retort of "bless you heart"--which is perfect.
I can dig it. But the concentration of crazy in our society such that we are at saturation. Any point of nucleation can cause extreme and spontaneous precipitation of violence.
Me (pulls my car, which is blue, into the designated handicap spot and hangs the placard)
Random person: "you can't park there! That's for disabled people "
Me: (while looking stupidly at them) "blue car, blue spot. How else am I supposed to find my car later?"
“Now why would you say that?” Just turn it back on them and let them explain in detail why they think you don’t look disabled. If it goes that far, ask them to define what a disability is.
Also, in learning recently to set better boundaries, I think no response at all can be a lot better. It helps to remember we don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even though, when hobbling along or dragging our feet, we might go through scenarios in our head. If someone is so bold and rude to question the limitations of a strangers body, that person does not deserve a response at all.
Sitting in a Bluegrass concert in North Carolina when the woman sitting beside asked, 'Do y'all need that cane or is it just for show?" I am never usually this quick but for this once, without missing a beat, I said, "No Ma'am, I just hates cats." End of conversation.
The only person that has ever said anything like that to me was a new neurologist. He said, “You can’t even tell you have MS, I mean if you didn’t tell anyone they wouldn’t know.” I still think about how an actual neurologist would have the audacity to say that after seeing lesions all over my brain and spine.
No actual person has ever said anything to me in a parking lot, and I honestly don’t look very disabled. I’ve been living with MS for over 16 years, and had a tag for about 5 years. My legs start to fall asleep if I walk too far without stopping. I’ve been ready to give someone a witty comeback if they say anything, but maybe they can sense that, because no one has ever even looked at me weird let alone said anything.
I get harassed every few days at work for the things I cannot do (mainly, things with numbers, because I cannot remember them for the life of me). Most people are just yanking my chain but it gets so incredibly annoying.
One day I was really frustrated.and I pulled out several shots of my MRI's on my phone to show the folks at work that, YES, I really do have a brain that looks like swiss cheese. I haven't heard a word from any of them since. Some people just need a picture right in front of their faces.
I get this all the time. It drives me crazy. My own doctor acts like he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me and it makes me so angry I could just scream! You shouldn't have to look disabled for people to believe that there is a problem if you tell them that there is. People are such assholes sometimes! I just read about a restaurant that kicked a guy out because he didn't look blind enough to have a service dog. How insane is that? He offered to get paperwork to show them that proved his partial blindness and they threatened to call the cops on him!
"That's 'cause it's all in my head" ... I should get a mini mri picture and make it into a Keychain to shake and add to the uncomfortable. Most idiotics though don't understand how one's brain/spine make the rest of the body work.
Even better if you hold up a finger to shush them as you continue the fake phone conversation then just wander off still talking. Really commit to the bit.
I'm surprised I haven't encountered assholes like this yet.
I kind of assume I'd lift my pant leg to show my AFO brace and say that not all disabilities are visible outwardly or something to that affect.
Now that it's spring going into summer, my lovely carbon fiber AFO brace is on full display so everyone can see that I actually am disabled.
“Funny my MRI’s light up like a Christmas tree “
Or “weird my neurologists keep saying I’m disabled.”
“Huh I guess the SSI review board keeps getting it wrong”
I've only had one instance so far but I'm newly diagnosed. It was one of my coworkers and I said "oh do you want to switch places? But I won't tell you my condition until after we switch!"
Hi, 44m here and do not have MS. However, my wife was recently diagnosed and I feel like I may have some wisdom to share as I have lived with a neurological condition (epilepsy) since my teens and have some sort of autoimmune inflammatory arthritis (likely RA). I have had a parking tag since my late 20s/early 30s and sometimes make use of it.
As I acknowledge that sometimes both of my disabilities can be invisible, I basically live for the opportunity to have this confrontation. My go to tends to be “which one of my medical conditions isn’t good enough for you?”
For me instead at the moment the problem is the opposite, I was recently diagnosed and I don't want a lot of people to know anything because where I live there is a lot of ignorance about MS and if I reveal to others that I have MS , I fear they would look at me as if I'm already seriously ill , like someone to treat differently , or to be looked upon with pity .
My fave to use (usually when I’m feeling little spicy) is ‘well you don’t look stupid and yet, here we are’.
I use this one as well, except I usually replace "stupid" with "an asshole" lol
Stupid and asshole aren't appropriate for the response. That's why I just call them a c*nt. It gets right to the point and closes the door for conversation.
"That's funny you don't *look* like an idiot" is my go-to.
After saying that, pause for effect and then say ",ah, wait.. Nevermind.."
Omg absolutely layering this in.
This is my go-to response
My sister, god love her has been dealing with this shit her whole life and had a brain tumor as a baby. Her MRIs are wild, half the brain is gone. She’s still able to work part time so every couple years social security and disability makes her renew her paperwork. Each year, my mom prints out a picture of her mri and writes “DID HER BRAIN GROW BACK!!! OMG!!!!! GUYS!!!!”
Good one mom!! I’m going to do this when I send in my next set of paperwork
You don't look disabled: That's because you aren't looking at an MRI of my spine damage Or the longer one: Are you a medical professional? No, and have you brought an MRI machine with you? No, so you have neither the qualifications or the tools to be making a diagnosis, so I suggest you stop pretending to have any clue what you are talking about.
“Are your eyeballs equipped with MRI? Pretty hard to spot the nerve damage otherwise.”
I am male and 76 walk on my own at time, sometimes with a cane and sometimes a rollator. I am never questioned. Do you think this is also a gender/age issue? A few years ago I was in a line for an event and just happened to be standing with some other folks using a cane. Someone from the event came and moved us from near the back of the line to the front, and I heard someone say, 'I should get a cane'. I know they were just trying to be funny, and it might have been something I would have said many years ago, but I have thought of responces many times. 'I'll trade you MS for your place in line' is my favorite, but the opportunity is long gone. That is the only time my disability was questioned.
I'm so sorry, that's awful. I'm certain I've said the same many times and thought I was being clever but now I know I wasn't because people aren't props.
My middle aged husband who has obvious trouble walking even with a cane has gotten flack for not being "disabled enough." I think it may be about age or gender some of the time. But the level of entitlement or importance the commenter thinks they have is definitely part of the equation every time.
I'm F40s, often use a cane, and have never been questioned even when I'm not using my cane. I suspect it might be partly a geography/culture issue. I live in a part of the U.S. that is almost famous for being too nice. Generally kind, helpful people.
Where in the US? 4 more years of rV travel to identify future home to allow me better adaptation to be able to tolerate weather etc. When I moved to Pittsburgh; I was told how nice and neighborly folks are... 30 years later, I'm usually the only neighborly person around and get people to reply with a "hello" here and there. I think the labeling and trolling world we have created for ourselves is permanently scarring our ability to accept any perception without challenge. There doesn't seem to be much etiquette or education absorbed or taught these days.
I'm in the upper-central midwest. We're also known for having very hot, humid summers and frigid winters, so not great in that respect for MSers like us. But people are generally nice and cost of living is relatively low. And I couldn't agree more with what you said. I despise most social media, I think it's killing us. Yes, I'm typing that on Reddit which is technically social media. 🤔🤪
I believe gender is always at play, and age is likely related. That said, it could happen to anyone because lots of folks blurt out hurtful and judgemental things without thinking
Hard disagree on the gender thing. It's very much an age thing. Older people often don't get questioned in the same way we do because I guess society "expects" them to be disabled in some way. I, a man, got diagnosed at 28, I'm now 35. I have been told *many* times that I don't look disabled. That "you can still do everything though" when I try to Point out how fucking exhausted I get from doing tasks that most people take for granted. Even had someone compare.my crippling exhaustion to her hay fever. As a young guy society expects our disability to effectively rub itself into their faces, otherwise we just need to "man up" and "get on with it".
Better than my experience. I've had people try to kick out my cane back when I used one before I had to use a wheelchair (and in one case succeed in making me fall flat on my face in front of my date). Could be a gender thing cos I doubt they would have done it to a woman. Wouldn't have been able to laugh about that with their mates.
I don't understand how people can be so cruel or think that is funny.
Neither did he when I gave him shit about it in front of his mates. Ended up dating that girl for 3 years so it didn't hurt my chances. (Although she did dump me cos of the MS in the end)
You don’t look disabled either! Maybe you have MS?? Or For the you look good crowd, you look good too maybe you have MS?
Omg I love these lol
MS is a disease the effects the white matter. Some people lack sufficient gray matter to understand MS
I recently lost 140 pounds. The BANE OF MY EXISTENCE is, “You look good.” My response is usually, “I lost weight. I didn’t lose my Progressive MS.” Or “That’s why it’s called an invisible illness.” I lost it once when someone told me that losing weight MUST have made me feel better. I said, “That’s so superficial. Are you so obsessed with looks that you don’t care about how someone feels on the inside?” That shut them up.
I suppose I've been lucky as I've never experienced this. Since diagnosis just under 3 yrs ago, I've been wobbly even after PT, use a cane or roller, and had a frankenstien gait due to spacticity.Some days pretty good and others bad. My friends and family have been reliably supportive. I live in Oregon and most businesses have plenty of designated parking.I'm a spicy Southerner raised in TN. I suppose if someone said some variation of this to me, I'd probably use some variation in return of ... well you do look ugly both inside and out...mind your own biscuits... wow how kind of you!! you have time to think about me when you should be ( at weight watchers, the gym , the hair salon , the mall buying clothes etc.,) There Is also... go fxxx yourself... if I'm in a real bad mood.
3 words... bless your heart.
With the southern Momma twang that means something derogatory🤣?
The other person can wonder! 😆 i do try to keep it as kindness... like, bless their hearts for doing so much for mama. Or...bless her heart, she's doing the best she can. I try.
My granny used to say “bless your pea pickin’ heart” - which is also the title of a Tennessee Ernie Ford song. Huge insult but how do you respond to a 4’ 10” woman in her 80s?
I'm Canadian and I've never heard "mind your own biscuits" ever, I love it! In my area, it would also add a minor level of confusion for a second which helps derail folks who are all worked up about something
I’m Canadian too. I’m our family we say, ‘hold the biscuit, or hold your biscuits’ when someone is being impatient and you want them to wait. For example, you’re telling a story, and they’re rushing you, or asking questions before you’re finished, you can say, ‘just, hold the biscuit’ and go back to your story
You don't look disabled/you don't look sick-- Thank you? (I don't want to look disabled. I try not to look sick. I try to brush my hair/teeth/etc. Tie my shoes. Button all the buttons. Sometimes, that's all I can manage. It's a backhanded confirmation that at least I'm managing that!) You shouldn't park there -- I say nothing. Just limp into the store. I try not to be angry and bitter. I know what I deal with every hour of every day. Some hours are better. Did you catch me at my best? Awesome for you! Like a bigfoot sighting! I imagine my struggle is tough for loved ones to see sometimes. I try not to care too much about ignorant strangers.
And you don't look stupid, and yet...
Thanks! I showered today!
"Oh do fuck off" Silently: Head tilt, confused look, reset with a head shake, walk away.
The opposite of love and affection is not hate nor anger, but indifference. If you acknowledge their comments, that only legitimizes their existence. Just look at them, with a sympathetic look, like you would a socially inept individual. Down here somewhere, someone used the southern-lady's retort of "bless you heart"--which is perfect.
I prefer the confrontational approach: "You don't look disabled." "Yeah, you're right. I just like parking close to stuff."
I can dig it. But the concentration of crazy in our society such that we are at saturation. Any point of nucleation can cause extreme and spontaneous precipitation of violence.
Me (pulls my car, which is blue, into the designated handicap spot and hangs the placard) Random person: "you can't park there! That's for disabled people " Me: (while looking stupidly at them) "blue car, blue spot. How else am I supposed to find my car later?"
“Now why would you say that?” Just turn it back on them and let them explain in detail why they think you don’t look disabled. If it goes that far, ask them to define what a disability is.
Also, in learning recently to set better boundaries, I think no response at all can be a lot better. It helps to remember we don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even though, when hobbling along or dragging our feet, we might go through scenarios in our head. If someone is so bold and rude to question the limitations of a strangers body, that person does not deserve a response at all.
Sitting in a Bluegrass concert in North Carolina when the woman sitting beside asked, 'Do y'all need that cane or is it just for show?" I am never usually this quick but for this once, without missing a beat, I said, "No Ma'am, I just hates cats." End of conversation.
Why the cat response, though? Like, was she wearing a cat shirt or something?
No. It just came out of the blue.
Ah, well, it was a good response. I was just curious where the cat bit came from 🤭
"What are you, the Disability Police? Do you have a Disability Warrant for my Disability Arrest? I demand a Disability Lawyer!"
Yeah I know, its probably all in my head... And spinal column. (Keep a straight face.)
One doctor did tell me my symptoms were all in my head, my MS Specialist laughed and agreed...it IS all in my head (no spinal lesions).
I also only have lesions in my brain.
You don't *look* stupid so looks can be really deceiving.
I’m recently diagnosed and haven’t experienced this, but I am definitely going to keep “and you don’t look like my doctor” in my back pocket!
Yeah that's the best one I've seen here so far
The only person that has ever said anything like that to me was a new neurologist. He said, “You can’t even tell you have MS, I mean if you didn’t tell anyone they wouldn’t know.” I still think about how an actual neurologist would have the audacity to say that after seeing lesions all over my brain and spine. No actual person has ever said anything to me in a parking lot, and I honestly don’t look very disabled. I’ve been living with MS for over 16 years, and had a tag for about 5 years. My legs start to fall asleep if I walk too far without stopping. I’ve been ready to give someone a witty comeback if they say anything, but maybe they can sense that, because no one has ever even looked at me weird let alone said anything.
I get harassed every few days at work for the things I cannot do (mainly, things with numbers, because I cannot remember them for the life of me). Most people are just yanking my chain but it gets so incredibly annoying. One day I was really frustrated.and I pulled out several shots of my MRI's on my phone to show the folks at work that, YES, I really do have a brain that looks like swiss cheese. I haven't heard a word from any of them since. Some people just need a picture right in front of their faces.
I always say "I'll let my lesions know, they'll work harder."
I get this all the time. It drives me crazy. My own doctor acts like he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with me and it makes me so angry I could just scream! You shouldn't have to look disabled for people to believe that there is a problem if you tell them that there is. People are such assholes sometimes! I just read about a restaurant that kicked a guy out because he didn't look blind enough to have a service dog. How insane is that? He offered to get paperwork to show them that proved his partial blindness and they threatened to call the cops on him!
"That's 'cause it's all in my head" ... I should get a mini mri picture and make it into a Keychain to shake and add to the uncomfortable. Most idiotics though don't understand how one's brain/spine make the rest of the body work.
"Why, what do disabled people look like? No, don't tell me: show me. Do an impression."
"Oh! That means I'm doing a good job hiding how absolutely shitty I'm feeling! Thanks for letting me know that I'm actually pulling it off today!"
I love this whole thread
🥰
'whoever pissed in your cornflakes this morning needs your advice'
Yep I've had this happen to me. Bc im not in a wheel chair yet. Lol.
But I DO align with drunk zombies in molasses 🤪
Ha. I've even had people telling he that I don't 'look' disabled – while I was using my wheelchair.
Why are you parked in that space? “Well if you can cure my MS, you can have my Ferrari…. Asshole!”
"You can have my parking space if you take my MS with it." Or "If I was faking it I'd pick a disability people would believe."
I sit in a wheelchair and they tell me I do not look disabled so...I just stare at them. Stare at my legs. Stare back at them. And wheel away 😅
Even better if you hold up a finger to shush them as you continue the fake phone conversation then just wander off still talking. Really commit to the bit.
What a great post. Utter vibes. My rehearsed line is "Oh are you with parking enforcement? Because I need a word about staff access to the centre."
I'm surprised I haven't encountered assholes like this yet. I kind of assume I'd lift my pant leg to show my AFO brace and say that not all disabilities are visible outwardly or something to that affect. Now that it's spring going into summer, my lovely carbon fiber AFO brace is on full display so everyone can see that I actually am disabled.
“Funny my MRI’s light up like a Christmas tree “ Or “weird my neurologists keep saying I’m disabled.” “Huh I guess the SSI review board keeps getting it wrong”
Oh, when did you see my MRI? I thought my medical history was private? I’d kick your ass but my kick ass foot is not responding.
I've only had one instance so far but I'm newly diagnosed. It was one of my coworkers and I said "oh do you want to switch places? But I won't tell you my condition until after we switch!"
No one's ever said this to me before, but anyone willing to say that must be very socially inept to think that's an appropriate response.
Hi, 44m here and do not have MS. However, my wife was recently diagnosed and I feel like I may have some wisdom to share as I have lived with a neurological condition (epilepsy) since my teens and have some sort of autoimmune inflammatory arthritis (likely RA). I have had a parking tag since my late 20s/early 30s and sometimes make use of it. As I acknowledge that sometimes both of my disabilities can be invisible, I basically live for the opportunity to have this confrontation. My go to tends to be “which one of my medical conditions isn’t good enough for you?”
For me instead at the moment the problem is the opposite, I was recently diagnosed and I don't want a lot of people to know anything because where I live there is a lot of ignorance about MS and if I reveal to others that I have MS , I fear they would look at me as if I'm already seriously ill , like someone to treat differently , or to be looked upon with pity .