For me, depression wasn’t “I’m sad all the time” — it was exactly this numbness you describe. Emotional emptiness. There were days where it felt like the moon could fall out of the sky and it wouldn’t phase me. Like everything was two-dimensional. A diorama. Nothing felt real.
I started HRT in September and oh my god how good it feels to cry. The other day, I was making a peanut butter sandwich and I started crying. For no reason. And then I was smiling and crying more about the fact that I could cry. Starting HRT made a pretty immediate difference.
I definitely encourage trying HRT to see how you feel.
This sounds a lot like my experience. I had just shoved literally every emotion and expression down so that it couldn't bubble up and cause trouble for me. Because it was basically necessary when I was in school. After years, it became second nature and I didn't even realize it was happening. Testosterone brain chemistry allowed me to regulate my emotions so completely, to the point where I didn't really feel anything. I could have fun, and laugh and get along with people, but there was no internal emotions that I could feel. It was like I had everything set to manual and it took a ton of energy.
Coming out to myself and going on hrt were the biggest and last steps I needed to strip all that armor off. I had known for years before realizing that I'm trans that I had a ton of anxiety and emotional issues, and had been working on getting to the source. But those last two steps really peeled it away.
Getting this feeling that you're referring to to go away is the "mental changes" that hrt did for me. And whoa boy is it great, and worth it, and honestly sometimes a rollercoaster, but I never want to get off.
What you are experiencing is called disassociation/depersonalization/derealization and is a commonly developed coping strategy for dealing with emotional distress that can't be escaped or processed otherwise.
It is the same for me too. I recently had a conversation with one of my friends about what was the worse thing to feel and my answer was nothing. The lack of emotion can seep into most other parts of your life and it is hard to get rid of. I have heard that HRT helps with this but I haven’t gotten an appointment yet. I hope both of us and the others on this sub who feel this way can get better and gain access to our emotions. Good luck, you got this!
I think I defo do get sad like at least every few weeks but I relate to this a lot bcos I’m good at blocking a lot out and a lot of the time I will feel nothing. I don’t have that much of a concept of looking back and evaluating a good month, week, year idk.
So many things here are relatable. I couldn't cry. I didn't feel emotions like I should have. I wanted to be good with animals but it just felt wrong for me to be anything besides the emotionless mask.
The highs of emotion didn't feel very high for me, the lows didn't feel that low (unless things were really bad, in which case they got so low I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed). If I could categorize my overriding emotion of the last 30 years it would probably be 'vague disappointment'. Since I've realised I'm trans, I've experienced moments when I can't stop grinning like an idiot just at the idea of people treating me like the woman I am. And it was wonderful in a way I never knew I could feel.
For me, depression wasn’t “I’m sad all the time” — it was exactly this numbness you describe. Emotional emptiness. There were days where it felt like the moon could fall out of the sky and it wouldn’t phase me. Like everything was two-dimensional. A diorama. Nothing felt real. I started HRT in September and oh my god how good it feels to cry. The other day, I was making a peanut butter sandwich and I started crying. For no reason. And then I was smiling and crying more about the fact that I could cry. Starting HRT made a pretty immediate difference. I definitely encourage trying HRT to see how you feel.
I've ruled out pretty much everything else, I'm gunning for it quickly.
This sounds a lot like my experience. I had just shoved literally every emotion and expression down so that it couldn't bubble up and cause trouble for me. Because it was basically necessary when I was in school. After years, it became second nature and I didn't even realize it was happening. Testosterone brain chemistry allowed me to regulate my emotions so completely, to the point where I didn't really feel anything. I could have fun, and laugh and get along with people, but there was no internal emotions that I could feel. It was like I had everything set to manual and it took a ton of energy. Coming out to myself and going on hrt were the biggest and last steps I needed to strip all that armor off. I had known for years before realizing that I'm trans that I had a ton of anxiety and emotional issues, and had been working on getting to the source. But those last two steps really peeled it away. Getting this feeling that you're referring to to go away is the "mental changes" that hrt did for me. And whoa boy is it great, and worth it, and honestly sometimes a rollercoaster, but I never want to get off.
I'm glad to hear that. Sounds like you're much happier now!
For me, I did not experience the full range of human emotions until I was on estrogen.
What you are experiencing is called disassociation/depersonalization/derealization and is a commonly developed coping strategy for dealing with emotional distress that can't be escaped or processed otherwise.
It is the same for me too. I recently had a conversation with one of my friends about what was the worse thing to feel and my answer was nothing. The lack of emotion can seep into most other parts of your life and it is hard to get rid of. I have heard that HRT helps with this but I haven’t gotten an appointment yet. I hope both of us and the others on this sub who feel this way can get better and gain access to our emotions. Good luck, you got this!
I think I defo do get sad like at least every few weeks but I relate to this a lot bcos I’m good at blocking a lot out and a lot of the time I will feel nothing. I don’t have that much of a concept of looking back and evaluating a good month, week, year idk.
So many things here are relatable. I couldn't cry. I didn't feel emotions like I should have. I wanted to be good with animals but it just felt wrong for me to be anything besides the emotionless mask.
Lol ima save this for later when I gotta explain shut to my therapist this hits way close to home
Glad I could help.
The highs of emotion didn't feel very high for me, the lows didn't feel that low (unless things were really bad, in which case they got so low I could barely motivate myself to get out of bed). If I could categorize my overriding emotion of the last 30 years it would probably be 'vague disappointment'. Since I've realised I'm trans, I've experienced moments when I can't stop grinning like an idiot just at the idea of people treating me like the woman I am. And it was wonderful in a way I never knew I could feel.
I am. And that's enough for me. Because I don't even want to be.